IT’S JUST A FISH
A FABLE RETOLD BY THIS AUTHOR WHILST COMPLETELY DRUNK
About two hundred years ago next to a Great Lake there was a very little town called Obscurity. All the people of the town loved to go fishing, and that’s nearly all they ate, except for potatoes, cabbage, turnips, mushrooms, carrots, peas and cats. In this town lived Kevin and Nevin Bitmar. They were brothers and they also loved to go fishing. They would take their father’s boat called “Interminable” (named after their mother) far out onto the lake to see who would catch the biggest fish.
The Bitmar Boys & others race to the lake for one of the many fishing competitions
Also in this town lived the very beautiful girl, Only Fingasso. She would wait in the boatshed for the Bitmar boys to return because she would give whoever caught the biggest fish, a kiss. 1
Kevin always caught the biggest fish and always got the kiss. As time went by this started to really piss off Nevin, ‘cos he really liked Only. Each year there was a big fishing contest on the lake. Nevin always tried his hardest to win but Kevin always won.
The boatshed by the lake where Only used to wait to kiss the boy with the biggest fish
The Bitmar’s boat “Interminable” at the dock 2
It was the Summer of their twentieth birthday and Only’s father, Bastid Fingasso, announced that the winner of this year’s competition would marry his daughter. This news was exciting for the town……..
Kevin sings to Only Fingasso
and very very very exciting for the Bitmar boys. On the morning of the contest, Kevin told Only, right in front of Nevin, “I’m going to win this contest and you and I will be married.” Nevin said, “No way Kevin! I’m sick of you winning all the kisses. This year I will win for sure, and only she shall be mine!”
The fish are going crazy in the lake on the big day 3
Only was scared, and didn’t really like Nevin that much anyway. At last that Bastid Fingasso finally said, “It’s time for the contest!”, and as he fired his starter’s pistol he yelled, “Gentlemen, start your boats!” The contest was on. All day the townspeople fished and fished and wee’d quite a lot too, because they drank a lot of water, as you should when fishing in the sun.
Only’s father, Bastid Fingasso fires the starter's pistol to start the competition
Nevin was fishing near an old tree when his boat became tangled amongst the branches. As he struggled to free his stricken vessel from the confusion of tree bits, it tipped over and started sinking. He cried out, “Kev! Help! Mate I’m sinkin’!” Kevin made his way over and helped Nevin into his own boat. Everyone cheered when they saw Nevin was safe.
On the shore, the girl Only cooed, “Ooooh, Kevvy, you’re my hero..” or something like that. As they fished and fished Kevin kept saying how he was going to win the contest for Only.
Ooooh.. Help me Kevvy!!
Cats from the church glee club ham up a re-enactment of Nevin’s boat sinking
Nevin got madder and madder. All of a sudden Nevin hooked a fish, a big one too. He struggled to pull it in. When it got close to the boat, Kevin saw how big it was, and he was really afraid that Nevin would win. 5
There is quite a commotion down at the lake for the fishing competition
Just as Nevin was bringing the great prize into the boat, Kevin knocked him out of the way and cut the great fish loose. It flipped and flapped away, still with the big red hook sticking out of its mouth. Nevin was so angry. He yelled at Kevin, jumped out of the boat and swam ashore. By the time Nevin pulled himself out of the water he was exhausted. The people gathered around and he tried to say what Kevin had done, but no one would believe that Kevin Bitmar would do such a thing. Only looked down and said, “I wouldn’t marry you even if you did catch the big fish, Nevin Bitmar!” As Kevin’s boat pulled up at the dock, he stepped out with the winning fish and everyone cheered and cried out, “Kevin the winner! With Only his wife!” And Kevin said, “No! It’s just a fish!” 6
As Only Fingasso stepped in to kiss Kevin, Nevin grabbed her and said coldly, “Just you wait, one day someone will catch that big fish with the big red hook, and then you will see.” He glared at all the townspeople and repeated, “You will all see!” So Kevin and Only were married and opened a chapeau shop called “Bitmar-Fingasso Hats” and imported the best fishing hats that were ever destined for Obscurity. Eventually they had a baby, a boy, and named him Causey. He had the reddest hair in the world. Little Causey Bitmar-Fingasso loved wearing his Mum and Dad’s hats, especially when he went fishing on the lake with his dad.
A new shipment of hats arrives at Kevin & Only’s new shop in the middle of town 7
Nevin retells the story of the big fish to some locals
Nevin was often forgotten by this time, but the story of the biggest fish with the big red hook was well known by all, and when questioned of his dislike for Kevin and Only, Nevin would say, “Just wait ‘til someone catches that fish...” But he would never fish on the Lake again…but, that’s another story. Causey loved to go fishing with his Dad Kevin, and Only would always wait at the boatshed to give them both a kiss when they got back with the fish dinner. Today they proudly wore their Bitmar-Fingasso Autumn hats and as they jumped into ‘Interminable’, 8
Causey asked his Dad ,”Why is Nevin so sad, and why does he tell that nasty story about how you cut loose the biggest fish with the big red hook?” Kevin told Causey that Nevin was a jealous fool and a liar and not to ask about him again.
Causey & Kevin Bitmar–Fingasso fishing on the lake
The lake was especially calm this day and the fish were feeding straight ahead. Causey and Kevin threw in their lines and sat shaded by the best hats in Obscurity. Suddenly, Causey’s line tugged and WHAM!! The whole boat was pulled around. He shouted, “HOLY MOLY DAD!! It’s a big one!” Kevin pulled his line in so it wouldn’t be in the way and grabbed the landing net to lift the big catch into the boat.
Some of the Bitmar-Fingasso spring collection 1872 9
As Causey skillfully brought the great thing close to the boat, Kevin reached down with the net. Causey grabbed at the net as well and it took both of them to lift it into the boat. As the fish flapped around interminably, They could see that this was the biggest fish ever caught in the lake. Causey tried to lift it up and Kevin helped, but as they brought the full weight of the monster up, it turned and as it bit Causey’s little finger, to their horror they both saw the big red hook sticking out of its mouth! As Causey looked at his father, his proud smile & the giant fish slipped away into the lake. And so now while the people fish on the Lake, you can hear them sing….
“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, Once I caught a fish alive. 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, Then I let him go again. Why did you let him go Causey Bitmar-Fingasso? Which finger did he bite? This little finger on my right.”