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Noel Gallagher Tales from the Middle of Nowhere


26th August 2008

H

iya kid.

So...I’m leaving home in London yesterday. Literally putting my bags in the car and this lad comes up to me.. «Can I get a quick picture?» he asks. «Dunno..CAN you?» says I. Anyway while his mate is taking a reasonably quick snap he informs me that he was one of the lucky ones to get tickets for our tour in October. «I hope you’re not putting any of ‘em on e-bay?» «No chance, mate» he says «I’m going with my granddad ..he fuckin’ loves you lot!» JESUS CHRIST!!! I ask him how old his granddad is in the vain hope he might be freakishly young...like. say..50? «65» he says. «He’s been into you lot since ‘94!!» At Heathrow airport the righteous people of B.A. have upgraded everyone to 1st class except for tour dj Phil Smith who has been mysteriously downgraded to «premium economy» (whatever that is). Halfway through the flight I’m interrupted by one of the cabin crew who’s laughing nervously saying, «Mr. Gallagher your brother seems to have collapsed in the aisle!» (YES! AT LAST!!!) And sure enough....there he is, face down in the aisle unconscious. «Shall I wake him?» asks the attendant. «Nah, leave him there..he’s only looking for attention!» Somewhat predictably U.S. immigration nearly takes as long as the flight. I think the sight of a true, real life evil genius has the young officer flustered. No major drama though except one of my bags hasn’t made it. THE BASTARD. Please don’t let me suffer the indignity of shopping for undies on the morning of the gig the person who serves me is bound to be a fan! Seattle seems to have changed though (and for the better, I might add) since the last time we were here (whenever that was). Had a quick skip down the venue to check what the wizards have done with the lights for this tour. It looks pretty good, I must say. Fuck knows how we manage to afford all this stuff. Pink Floyd eat your heart out! Anyway gotta fly, I have an excruciatingly pointless interview to do…’til next time. In a bit.

4


27th August 2008

S

o we arrive at the sound-check for the gig in Seattle and Jesus, you want to see this place! It’s supposed to be a warm up, it’s massive! The sound-check’s a bit shit really. Sounds like we’ve not played for 10 days (which we haven’t). The dressing room’s a joke. It looks like the inside of a big brother house. White fake leather sofas you can’t actually sit on as much as slouch about 4 inches off the floor AND a little Buddha surrounded by little fake flowers in a little fake fountain that makes you just want to go for a little fake piss. LUDICROUS! Someone’s taking this 60’s thing too far. Who do they think we used to be? Kula Shaker? Meet Matt Costa backstage (he’s a singer/songwriter!) He’s opening the show on this leg of the tour. And Ryan Adams, who’s wearing VERY stripy socks. Me and Gem are nominated by our fellow housemates to do ANOTHER interview which turns out to be quite serious for a change. Does kind of make me feel like I’m in Radiohead though. It gets to that weird time of the day where no one’s sure what to do with themselves. Most have gone for dinner (I don’t do dinner before a show; there’s something not quite right about playing rock’n’roll music on a full stomach), I’m going outside for a smoke. Run into a few fans who ask THE most annoying question – “can we get a quick picture?” (“Erm..dunno CAN you?”). They try emotional blackmail by informing me that they’ve come “all the way from St. Louis» (wherever that is). I tell them that that matters not a jot as I’ve come all the way from England, which is (as everyone knows) FUCKIN’MILES AWAY!! Matt Costa gets up and sings some songs that he wrote all by himself, two of which are pretty good. Ryan gets up and also sings some songs he wrote by himself but he plays them with his band The Cardinals. It’s really good (just my opinion!). As for us? We were ok. Alright. Not bad. I know we’ve done better gigs and I’m sure we’ll do worse. Off to Canada tonight. Vancouver to be exact. 4 hours door to door it is. Not enough time to get really pissed. Never mind, it’s early days. There’s plenty of time for that. And yes, my missing bag did eventually turn up (thanks for asking). In a bit.

5


28th August 2008

I

really shouldn’t moan but the venue in Vancouver holds 12,000 people! TWELVE THOUSAND!! I mean, if these are warm up shows then God only knows what kind of gigs we’ll be doing when the album comes out. Mind you, it makes for a great atmosphere. The gig itself? We smashed it. The crowd were fuckin’ amazing. We salute you Vancouver. There seems to be a problem with the rider; too much shit red wine and not enough vodka. This will not stand! We’re all on the bus tonight. 18 hours to Edmonton! EIGHTEEN HOURS!!! Now THAT is gonna involve some boozing. I’m proud to say there were still a couple of us going at it with vodka and Neu (70’s german rock) at 9.00am!! NOW THAT’S A DRINK. Wake up at 4.00.pm. Feel horrific. We are literally driving across the middle of nowhere. Pull over at a truck stop for a belated breakfast. The gaff seems to be manned solely by 13 year old girls in identical black uniforms and sporting enormous smiles. It’s like we’ve stumbled into a Stephen King novel. Creepy. We order breakfast. What did I have you ask? Well, I had what any English gentleman worth his salt would have..fish and chips! Turns out we haven’t been lured to our death by the teenage waitresses. They’re on their school holidays. AND THEY CHOOSE TO WORK? Kids today, eh? Back on the bus I notice I’ve got 26 messages on my phone. That usually means some famous person or other has got upset with my turn of phrase in an interview or something and my manager’s going ape-shit. Turns out it’s great news. SWP* has signed for Man City. What a coup! We might actually win something this time. The boys are up the front of the bus watching that film ‘Grizzly Man’. Think I’m gonna hang back here and watch the world go by. FEELING like a grizzly man. In a bit.

6


29th August 2008

D

ay off today. Not much to do in Edmonton. They have the largest shopping mall in the western hemisphere though!! It’s that big it has a fuckin’ fake lake in it and a half sunken pirate ship!! Manage to catch that Barrack Obama’s speech to the Democratic rally. Impressive stuff. Spellbinding in fact. Wish he was one of ours. Why do Americans believe they’re electing the president of THE WORLD though? Me and Sharrock head out for a Chinese (any day that starts with fish and chips for breakfast and ends with a Chinese for tea is a glorious day!) The thing inside my fortune cookie has these numbers on the back 9, 24, 31, 35, 38 and 49 (you can have them) and this cryptic message on the front: ‘YOU WILL SOON WITNESS A MIRACLE” We’ll see, eh? In a bit.

7


30th August 2008

W

oke up to a beautiful sunny day today in Edmonton. Didn’t get nearly enough kip though. This jet-lag’s a fucker. There seems to be a wedding party milling around the bar in the hotel so a couple of us jib outside to the terrace for tea and cigarettes. We’re discussing another player (who we’ve never heard of) who’s just signed for City (he’s an Argentinian. I predict fireworks!) Some old lady approaches us to ask if we’d mind doing a “quick picture” with the bride and groom! “Erm..no, I don’t think so” (who do they think we are? Robbie Williams?) “Oh, go on, the bride will be heartbroken”. “Good”, I think to myself and off we go to the venue. Ryan Adams was good tonight. Even Liam’s having him and he hates everything! Our gig was great. Just wish I was in better shape to enjoy it. Still a bit fucked from the other nights session on the bus. We left immediately after the gig. It’s what’s commonly known as “doing the Elvis”. Andy and his iPod are shuffling on the bus. It’s all good. Jimi Hendrix’s “Spanish Castle Magic” and Hawkwind’s “Silver Machine” are the highlights for me. I even turn a blind ear to some Beach Boys tune or other (told you I wasn’t feeling myself!) No sign of the miracle I’m supposed to witness soon. Saying that, someone did throw their bra onstage tonight! Or could it be that we’ve just seen the 1st English paper since we left home. Apparently Margaret Thatcher’s got dementia! The lord moves in mysterious ways, eh? In a bit.

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9


31st August 2008

T

hat hotel in Calgary was like something out of that film, “The Shining”: massive and virtually empty. There was ANOTHER wedding party going on! It must be that time of year. The gig tonight is at a place called the Saddledrome. It’s a fuckin’ rodeo arena and it’s shaped like a saddle (hence the name!) Ryan Adams has really surprised everyone so far. Didn’t think he’d be this good. Our show was brilliant. Everything is beginning to click now. Again there were a lot of people for a warm up. 13,000! Great crowd though. No undies onstage this time but good crack all the same. This gig in Calgary will go down in history as the first ever Oasis gig where there was NO ONE on the guest list! In the dressing room the traditional debate has started about “The Top 10”. This means the top 10 bands of all time. No solo artists allowed. No female artists allowed. No collectives allowed (Public Enemy etc.) This is the 1,000th time we’ve been here with this. It never gets any less interesting for me. For the record, THE DEFINITIVE top 10 is this.. 1. The Beatles 2. The Rolling Stones 3. The Who 4. The Sex Pistols 5. The Kinks 6. The La’s 7. Pink Floyd 8. The Bee Gees 9. The Specials 10. Peter Green’s Fleetwood Mac End of. Someone’s forgotten to bring the Laurel & Hardy box-set for the bus. We have to make do with watching “The Rutles 2”! It’s shit, by the way. Tonight is a 17 hour drive to Winnipeg, the birthplace of Neil Young. My liver is shitting itself! Wish me luck. In a bit.

10


1st September 2008

F

orgot to mention. Did a couple of interviews yesterday. One with a guy who looked EXACTLY like Woody Harrelson. And one with some guitar magazine. They’re funny those guitar mags, unless you’re into discussing the science of guitar sound. The questions are always ludicrous. Example: Q: “Describe to me the guitars you used on this new record.” A: “Erm..one was red and one was blonde!? Are you gonna ask me what my favourite string is too?” Q: “You have a favourite STRING!?” A: “Yep..the ‘e’ string” Q: “Why?” A: “Cos there’s 2 of ‘em!” Q: “Really!?” OH, FUCK OFF!!! The journey is quite uneventful really. Had a little drink. Talked a lot of shit. Got some kip. Handsome! Pulled into some truck stop for breakfast. I love truck stops, you never know if you’re gonna meet a preacher or a serial killer. This one is pure David Lynch gear, old and deserted. Ask the waitress for 7 menus. She looked at us like it was the 1st time she’d been asked for 7 of anything in her life! The restaurant / bar area has a little dance floor and a stage at one end and a speak your weight machine at the other! What the fuck? Shit food and all. It’s a small price to pay though. The rest of the boys have flown rather than brave the bus. I’ve never understood that. This is the whole point of touring. Staring out the window, watching the world go by. We’re supposed to be going out for dinner tonight with Ryan and The Cardinals. Should get to know them a bit better. They seem like most Americans you meet who are in bands, pretty cool. The weather’s been strangely warm. Looking forward to tomorrow. In a bit.

11


2nd September 2008

F

uck me!! That fortune cookie actually worked. Woke up to 19 text messages. Man City have been bought out by an Arab prince! Rock the fuckin’ Casbah! They’re buying everything that moves in the transfer market. It’s beautiful madness. WE MUST ALL BOW TO THE NEW MECCA OF ENGLISH FOOTBALL, THE MIDDLE-EASTLANDS!!! What a way to start the day. Breakfast has never tasted so good (even if was shit!) It was boiling hot here yesterday. Today it’s fuckin’ freezing. How can that be? I’m reading in the local press that Gerry and the Pacemakers are in town next week!! Got ‘Walk On’’ in my head now, or is it called “You’ll Never Walk Alone”? Either way, what a tune. Only 7,000 people tonight. Feels more like a warm up. Crowd are a bit subdued. Maybe they’re leaving some in the tank for Gerry, eh? To be honest, the gig pales into insignificance against the news coming out of Manchester. It is simply staggering. For our club to go from being a laughing stock to the richest club in England in a matter of moments is ludicrous!! AND WE’VE SIGNED ROBINHO!!! It’s like the end of the world or summat. We celebrate accordingly. And get on this.. the iPod’s on shuffle, and guess what tune comes on as we’re toasting the Arabs? A tune by Jackson C. Frank called “The Blues Run The Game’! Perfect. In a bit. P.S – The gig got 3.5 stars in the Winnipeg Free Press. THAT’S NEARLY 4!! (and that’s almost perfect)

12


2nd September 2008

R

yan Adams has described the light show as looking like ELO with fangs! I’m not sure what it means, but I like it. Does anyone listen to the Russell Brand show? I only ask because some people in the crowd have been singing that little jingle he plays before I appear on his show (you know the one). It’s become fairly amusing for me and confusing for everyone else. Keep it up, I like it. We’re getting a flight to Montreal today. It’s too far to drive! 20-odd hours apparently. Meet ANOTHER married couple at the airport. “Can we get a quick picture?” “No.” “Oh, please. We’re your biggest fans but missed your show last night because of the wedding.” “Definitely no chance. That’s just rude. You could’ve got married any day of the week, but we won’t be playing Winnipeg again, so do one.” The flight is 2 and a bit hours long. Just enough time to watch that film that Martin Scorsese made about them Rolling Stones. If you haven’t seen it, you should check it out. It’s fuckin’ ludicrous. Q Magazine is out in the UK, I believe. I hope whatever’s been said comes across alright. Although it’s inconceivable that some fucker won’t take offence to something. I apologise now if that IS the case. Montreal is a strange place. Everything is French: menus, street signs, shop signs, tv channels. Got a day off tomorrow but we’re doing a photo shoot. Now, you may not know this but I fuckin’ HATE having my photo taken. It’s mind-numbingly boring. I’d much rather be working properly. I like doing interviews and playing, see? Off for a Chinese with Phil and Steve (Headline Security Ltd) who’s basically a fuckin’ comedian who looks after us. Wonder what’ll be in the fortune cookie tonight! It’ll probably be in French anyway. Au revoir

13


3rd September 2008

B

onjour, n’all that. Didn’t get a fortune cookie last night. What a swizz! It’s boiling hot here today. Humid though. The photo session was (unlike most others) pretty painless. Just how we like it. Bang, bang! In-out, put the kettle on. Somebody mentioned the ‘B’ word today! That’s outrageous, I never heard of hearing such a thing!! This isn’t a blog. A blog is for someone who’s got no mates (I’ve got more than a dozen, and that’s a fact) or who’s in a band that no one can remember hearing of. And in any case, one has to have a computer to have a blog, innit? These messages are being sent by text. I also believe a couple of these have found their way into the national press and that NME. Do me a favour will you, you media slags? Mind your own fuckin’ business and let the rest of us chat amongst ourselves. Now, where were we? Oh yes.. City’s new owner has just announced the players he intends to buy. “The dream team”. I won’t list them. That lot from Stretford have had enough for 1 week. I will say this though, every gallon of delicious petrol you mob buy for your second-hand Ford Escorts, from now on will eventually end up in our transfer budget. Bon voyage, lads (as they say round these parts!)

14


4th September 2008

N

ot a great deal going on today, droogs. Seems to be one of those days. The gig’s in Ottawa. It’s a 2 hour drive from Montreal (if anyone’s interested). Stopped for fast food on the way (if anyone’s interested). Some of the troops are failing. Someone’s got tennis elbow. Someone’s got water on the knee and someone’s had to have a tooth out. It’s getting like Dad’s Army!! A journalist informed us before the gig that the crowd might be a bit quiet as they’re not sure of what they’re supposed to do! (Her words, not mine). Turns out they weren’t too bad. Neither were we. Done the Elvis after the show. Not much going on after. Watched that John McCain’s speech at the Republican rally on the bus on the way back to Montreal. I’ve never seen so many fuckin’ balloons! Some buffoon held up a placard during his speech that said simply “Mavrick”!! That’s right, MAVRICK!! Obviously the subtlety of the spelling of the word “maverick” had been lost on them. Says it all really.

15


5th September 2008

F

uck!! The heat. It’s oppressive. We’ve got a photo-shoot today AND it’s outside. HORRIFIC. The sky-lord is arriving tonight from England via New York. Should make for a good solid drink-up. Ryan got up with us at the soundcheck. He’s been bugging us to play «Roll With It» for him and as r-kid doesn’t do soundchecks Ryan stood in on vocals. Gig was good. The crowd were really good. An amazing thing happened on stage (and if you were there you would’ve witnessed this). Our bass player vanished into thin air! One of the girls from our office in London arrives with the news that there’s no news from back home. The drink-up is good and solid. 7 hours on the bus to Toronto. Get to the hotel and who’s in reception? Jimmy Page! I fuckin’ love Jimmy Page. We hugged it out for breakfast. It’s raining. I’m off to my bed. In a bit.

6th September 2008

N

ot much happening today. Did I mention I bumped into Jimmy Page? We only ever seem to cross paths when I’m hammered. By the way.. has anyone seen that YouTube footage of Lee Mavers hanging out with Pete Doherty? BONGOS!!!

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17


7th September 2008

H

mmm..got a festival tonight. The V Fest in Toronto. I have a bad feeling about it. Mind you, we do have the greatest rock’n’roll singer of his generation doing the delivery so we should be ok. Weller and Stereophonics are on the bill though so it’ll be good to see Paul and Kelly. A funny thing happened in the hotel bar last night. A guy came up to me and says very quietly, almost secret-agent-like, “Are you Jack White?” The temptation was just too much. “Yes”, I replied. “Wow, really?! I love your music, man. You’re a great guitar player, man!” “Thanks very much”, I said and declined the picture.

8th September 2008

I’

ll have to stop this prophesising. I knew something was going to happen last night. I said I had a bad feeling, didn’t I!? Someone, who can only be described as a “Canadian” was able to get onstage, somehow managed to evade our crack security team (Trotters Independent Security Service) and assaulted my mid-riff. Can’t say much more than that as the “perpetrator’s” gonna get the book thrown at him. Repeatedly. It was all going so well up until that point’n’all. Feel like I’ve had a sparring session with Ricky Hatton. Still, we’ll probably get an extra couple of days in NYC. Every cloud, eh?

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19


9th September 2008

N

ot down today, droogs. Spent all day in bed suffering from my severe tickling at the hands of that drunken Canadian who, it transpires, is a grown man of 47 years!! (And I thought I was the oldest person at our gigs!) In his defence though, he’s probably having one of those mid-life crises things. Apparently it’s on YouTube. Imagine doing an assault on world television!? Did get to watch 4 «Seinfeld»s though. And some American football, so not too dissimilar to a normal day back home. Have to get another check up tomorrow. I’m gonna ask for new bionic ribs. Apologies for blowing out the show in London (that’s London in Canada). You can thank your comrade from Toronto for that. We will return though. Probably in December. Anyway, gotta go. These painkillers are kicking in again.

20


10th September 2009

W

e’re traveling to NYC today. Wish we were arriving in different circumstances. The doc says it could take 3 weeks ‘til I’m 100% again. Nothing they can give me either. Just gotta grit your teeth and bear it. This gig in NYC is not looking too good. We’ll take it day-by-day (if that’s alright with you?) 10 hours on the bus. Felt every fuckin’ bump. That film Sid and Nancy was on TV. What a ludicrous piece of shit!! I have no doubt it probably launched the career of many a U.S. «punk» band. Russell’s caused a mild shit-storm over here at the MTV awards. There was a phone in on CNN and the title on the screen was: RUSSELL BRAND - BAD HAIR, BAD JOKE. I’d have pissed myself laughing if it didn’t hurt so much. Some woman called in saying as an American she didn’t like a British guy coming over here, insulting her commander-in-chief!! Very funny. But NOT funny at all. If Chris Rock, for example, says that kind of thing everybody laughs because they think they should, but if it’s a man who’s dressed up like a vampire’s lamp-shade? Well? He was wasted on the shower of God-fearing, corporate hot-dogs anyway. We’ve just arrived in the capitol of the world. I’m off to bed.

21


11th September 2008

W

aking up in NYC knowing you’re pretty much spending the day in bed is a fucker, let me tell you. Doctor’s orders though. It’s too much. There’s shit going on out there that I need to be getting involved in and instead I’m laid up watching BBC America. I like Top Gear. Cash In The Attic’s fuckin’ ridiculous. And as for that David Dickinson on Bargain Hunt? He’s on acid, right? Or maybe it’s these pain-killers? Read Q Magazine today. The new one. There’s 2 covers. One with Joan of Arc on and one with Albert Steptoe on. I fuckin’ love David Bailey but how DOES he do that?? It’s a fuckin’ monster piece. Slightly over the top though. Nice to see so many people saying nice things about us and all. Went for some acupuncture earlier. Doc says it might help with straightening myself up. Can’t see it but I’ll try anything to make the gig happen. The guy’s not a miracle worker. He is a funny little Chinese man though. He greeted me by saying, «Come in, don’t worry, be happy!» KILL ME NOW!!! Didn’t work. Still feel pretty stiff. I’m walking like an old man. The NYC gig’s not gonna happen. Sorry ‘bout that. Best start thinking about packing up and going home, I guess. Yet another North American trip ends in chaos. If I believed in God, I’d begin to think he had it in for us. To be continued...

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23


9th October 2008

S

o..where we were? 4 weeks off? No thanks. Not at my age. Think my missus had had just about enough of my creaky bones moping around the house. In fact, I know she has ‘cos she told me so (more than once). We are currently in the home of skiffle. Liverpool. Both shows were great (in places). Don’t think the set-list is quite right yet. It’s maybe a bit too long (I think). Them scousers were wild, wild, wild though. You could feel the noise (more of the same for the rest of the tour please). Big thanks to Ricky Hatton who kicked off proceedings by threatening the entire audience! I think every scouse band that ever was was on the guest list. Caught up with old friends and family. Had a few with Digsy (yep him!) and met Andrew Loog Oldham. What a gent. And I think that was that, apart from me leaving my new electric toothbrush in London, but that’s another story. We’re homeward bound today. Got a day off in Manchester. It’ll be great to walk those streets again. It’s good to be back. In a bit.

24


12th October 2008

N

ow then. 3 days in Manchester and 2 nights in Sheffield have done us the world of good. Was great being back home where it’s at. Makes me wonder what on earth we were thinking about when we left for London all those years ago. The city seems to have gone from strength to strength. A wondrous place indeed. The 2 nights up in Sheffield were colossal. Played like a c*** on the 2nd night, mind. Sorry ‘bout that. The 1st night though..phew! It was the gig of the year so far and a pleasure to be there. Currently on the bus. The boys are trawling through the 2nd series of ‘Rising Damp’. Very funny. We’re en route to Birmingham. See you there if you’re going. In a bit.

25


15th October 2008

W

ho’d have thought it, eh? (Not me, that’s for sure) The 2 nights in Birmingham being the best of the entire world tour so far. I’m not one for blowing smoke up people’s arses (does anyone know what that means? Has anyone ever tried it?) but if you were in the crowd on the 2nd night, buy yourselves a drink. It was really special. I’m currently with my right-hand man Gem. We’re on the way to the Republic of Ireland aka ‘The Land of my Fathers’ to give a press conference in order to make an announcement about some supergig we’re doing there next year. I’d tell you but by the time you read this you’ll have heard about it anyway (or maybe not). Either way it’ll give me a chance to get rid of some of them Euros at the local sweet shops, Irish sweeties being the best in the world’n’all that. Mind how you go.

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20th October 2008

F

uck me! They were 2 big, big nights in London, ‘specially the Friday. One of the best I’ve ever been to anyway. Apologies for the 1st night, it being filmed by MTV and all. It felt a bit like doing the Brits or summat. I’ve never seen so many TV presenters back stage. If someone would have let a bomb off at one point they could well have wiped out most of ITV’s 2, 3 and 4!! Who are these people with? Got to see the actual Wembley Stadium on Thursday. We had a photo call/press conference there. And much fun it was too. We were promoting the super-gigs that are happening next summer. Maybe you’ve heard? Maybe you’ve not!! Come along anyway. All are welcome. They’re gonna be very brilliant nights. Decade defining nights. Don’t be saying in 10 years time you were there if you weren’t. The on-going war against hypocrisy and indifference takes us to Bournemouth tonight. If I don’t see you there I’ll see you in Cardiff maybe. In a bit.

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“I

love dogs, dogs are brilliant. Is there anything funnier than a dog, going down the high street with his face hangin’ out the window? Y’know when you see dogs in the passenger seat, someone’s wound down the window and the dog’s got his face out the window and he’s like «Whoa! We’re goin’ 43 miles an hour!» and he’s got his tongue out!


23th October 2008

N

ow then. Hello there. I’m on a choo-choo train. On my way to Cardiff. I travel alone today. Sitting in silence. People watching. Perfect. I’ve got that bastard cold, see? Have you? Bournemouth was odd. Strange clientele (I thought so anyway). Good shows though (I thought so anyway). Just stopped at Reading. No one got off. No one got on. Just got a COFFEE from the «buffet trolley». I’m not much of a fan of coffee. Too middle class for me. But as I won’t be served tea by anyone other than my missus, «coffee» it is. Just stopped at Swindon. A person got off. Couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman. They was too fat, y’see? The scenery has become more green. it’s nice, innit...the greenery? A couple of lads just come to say hello. They’re going to see the gig, they say. So am I. They’re already on the piss. Nice enough lads though. That «coffee» was shit by the way. Better than the tea I expect though. Why do trains do that thing? They all of a sudden go from 1,000mph to walking pace for 20 minutes. Why? Is it sleepy time for the cows and sheeps or summat? We’re going REALLY fast again. Why? We’re stopping at Bristol. Let’s see what happens here then, eh? Hmm..not a lot. 2 more stops to go. Newport and then Cardiff. I’m bored now. Fuck all happened at Newport.

30


25th October 2008

Y

es people. We’re on the bus. Leaving the Wales. Heading back to London. Cardiff, the shows and the people were brilliant. There was quite a bit of violence at both gigs. Not nice. Can’t those fuckers take it outside. Or at least sort it out in the car park before the gig? Just a thought. We did have much fun though. Caught up with Rhys and The Peth. Lovely, lovely lads. The Roundhouse is up next. For them Electric Proms. With a 50-piece choir. Rehearsals were immense. Celestial in fact. I wish you could all come along and hear it. There’s always YouTube though, eh? By the way, if any of you got involved in any of that ticket buying business yesterday I thank you from the bottom of my guitar case. Can’t speak for anyone else but I promise that I’LL be brilliant at those shows. Saying that - who knows where we’ll be next year? There’s plenty of time for the shit to hit the fan before then, eh? In a bit.

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29th October 2008

Y

es brothers and sisters. What a beautiful morning, no? It is where I am. On the way to Heathrow Airport that is. On the way to Belfast. Are you coming? That Roundhouse gig was fuckin’ far out. Those were there will tell you. James Bond! He was there. As was Russell Brand. Who incidentally has caused what seemingly has turned into a major shit storm. A sad sign of the times, I’m afraid. We live in a country where fat ugly columnists can somehow dictate to the rest of us what we should and shouldn’t think. Who gives a shit anyway? Me? You? Max Clifford? And as for the 10,000 people who it took 5 days to be offended??......... go back to your coffee morning crosswords and fade to grey. Anyway, ask him he was there. Just landed in Belfast. Pissing down. Still a bit fucked from Sunday. Gotta stop this drinking until breakfast malarky. Right I’m off. In a bit. PS. My bags have gone missing. AGAIN!!

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31th October 2008

A

rright. What to say? Not a lot happening at the minute. The boys are on their way to Aberdeen. I’m on my way to Dublin. Got some interviews to attend to. Which pretty much amounts to being asked some very heavily loaded questions about U2/Bono. We’ve all been in Belfast the last couple of days. Somewhat predictably the gigs were great. I went to see that Giant’s Causeway thing and I can report that it’s still there! Can’t believe that non-story involving Russell and Jonathan is STILL rumbling on. How is it that a talented handsome devil loses his job because of The Daily Mail and a “Satanic Slut” gets rich because of The Tabloids? That’s the English and its media for you, I suppose. And yes, my bags did eventually turn up. In a bit.

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4th November 2008

A

berdeen? Bloody hell! Them kids was crazy!! A pleasure to have been there, etc. Where are we? Glasgow, that’s where. Spent the day in my adopted 2nd city yesterday, Edinburgh. Went to see the in-laws. My boy’s up there visiting with his mam. God, it’s peaceful in that city. Haven’t been up there since New Year’s Eve. If you haven’t done NYE in Edinburgh, then you haven’t done NYE. It’s some piss-up let me tell you. It’s all about that American election today. I guess we’d all like Obama to win, no? The other fella’s rhetoric is just laughable (not that it’s any of our business). I’m going shopping. I need some dancing shoes. See you at the S.E.C.C., if you’re coming. In a bit.

34


6th November 2008

T

he UK tour has officially finished. Thank god. There’s been too much to do. Too many people to see. Too much boozing. Too much, too much. It’ll be good to get out into the world and see what everyone else is up to. We’re flying to Cologne today. I love Germany. And them Germans. I don’t know why, I just do. We were up half the night the other night watching the American election. Not that it’s any of my business you understand but we have a couple of Americans what work with us and they were very excited that Obama smashed it. Good for them. And him. And America, eh? Will it change anything? Probably not. Good speech though. Then again, they usually are. It’s gonna be a day of hanging around airport lounges today. Not the best way to spend a day off. It never ceases to amaze me how many people get offended when they ask you for «a quick picture» and you tell them you can’t be arsed. It fuckin’ winds me right up. People actually get the needle. Put your phones back in your pockets and grow up!! In a bit.

35


8th November 2008

T

hat gig in Cologne last night was the most underwhelming experience of my recent life. Let me explain. It was a gig for competition winners. 600 of ‘em. SIX HUNDRED!! I’ve done rehearsals with more people in attendance. All of these next few shows are re-scheduled from 3 months ago. We had to cancel them because of the incident in Toronto. Little gigs are not for me. I find them boring and pointless. Give me the spectacle of a stadium gig any day of week. 60,000, that’s where it’s at for me. Some very funny Euro dancing going on in the hotel bar afterwards. There is no greater sight than the euro dancer in full flow. We’re off to Copenhagen today. On the Oasis private jet-plane. I love Copenhagen. Can’t wait. It’s another low-key gig. There’ll be at least a 1,000 people there though. I might even get excited. In a bit.

38


9th November 2008

T

hat gig in Copenhagen was pretty good after all. A deceptively sweaty little number. A journalist who hadn’t spoke to me since ‘94 at the Hultsfred Festival accused me of stealing her bag DURING an interview!! Not guilty, your honour. Another insisted that I owed them money! INSISTED!! I have no recollection of ever meeting either of these people. Stayed up half the bastard night to watch that Joe Calzaghe fight. What a lump of shit that was. I’ve had better fights with r-kid. We’re flying to Milan today for about an hour to do some TV show or other then back on the jet and head for Paris. We’re making serious enquiries as to how much one of these private jets cost. We think with a bit of creative accounting we could probably afford one. We’ve christened ours «The Credit-Crunch?» It’s the only way to fly, y’know? Never get enough time to stay in Copenhagen. It looks like it might be a fun-place. We’ll never know. Pity. In a bit.

39


11th November 2008

B

onjour.

That gig in Paris was the last of the tour. That’s it now for a couple of weeks. I’m looking forward to a break. Me and Gem are on the Eurostar heading back to London. Liam and the increasingly odd Andy Bell have stayed in Paris for the day. Pity no one told them it’s Armistice day. Everything’s shut! Saw Sting in our hotel last night. STING!!! Crikey, wonder what he was up to? There’s a man on this train who’s just pulled out a rather large book called «101 Great Breads»!! Wow..he must be a chef of some description, eh? We’ve made it through the Channel Tunnel. It’s actually sunny. Unbelieveable. It’ll piss down for the next 2 weeks though, I guarantee it. In a bit.

40


24th November 2008

N

ow then, it’s been a couple of weeks. How’s things?

Been in that Las Vegas for the last couple of days. Me and wots’iz’name were carrying Ricky Hatton’s belts out for his world title fight against Paulie something-or-other. A great, great night. What a buzz! The atmospherics at Ricky’s fights are unbelievable. Met David Beckham for the very first time and I can tell you he smells magnificent!! Fuck me, we had a proper drink up afterwards. Felt like a lump of shit yesterday though. On the way to LA today. Got to do a couple of days of press then fly down to Mexico. Few gigs there. Back to the States for 3 weeks touring. It’s good to be back. In a bit.

41


26th November 2008

H

ola.

We’ve finally made it to Mexico. That day of press in LA was great. All of us went into Indie 103 see that Sex Pistol Steve Jones. He’s fuckin’ great, Jonesy. We had a top laugh. The show descended into farce when he ran an impromptu competition to win tickets to come see Oasis next week. Fuckin’ funny. Sven-Göran Eriksson’s coming to the show tonight! Can’t wait. We seem to have lost Ricky Hatton in a sea of Guinness. Fuck knows where he is. Hope he makes it. Well up for this tonight. 22,000! SOLD OUT!! It only holds 16,000!! AY, CARAMBA!! In a bit.

42


27th November 2008

W

ell, Ricky turned up. Sven didn’t. Mexico have lost a couple of games and apparently he’s not flavour of the month. He thought it would be best if he didn’t play out. He sends his regards though. Shame. I loved that man. Gig wasn’t all that, to be honest. We haven’t played for 2 weeks and it felt like it. Nursing a sore head today. Sat up most of the night drinking with Ricky. Feeling it now though. Good job we’ve got a day off. Not in any fit shape to do anything other than stay in bed and watch TV, which is exactly what I’m doing. Flying to Guadalajara tonight. Gonna get me some room service now, so...hasta luego.

43


29th November 2008

W

hat happened there then? Seem to have missed a couple of days! That’ll teach me to try keeping up with Ricky Hatton (safe journey home, lad - it’s been a fuckin’ pleasure!). Been in Guadalajara for the last 48 hours (or is it 24? Fuck knows, I can’t remember). Met a woman at Mexico airport who asked me could I get her son any tickets for last night’s gig. «Tickets? Not my bag, love. I can put him on the guest list though? «Tell him to bring i.d.» I said. «Just in case there’s any problemos». «I.d.?» says the woman. «He has no i.d.. He’s only 6!!» SIX!!? City won away in Europe. Wonders never cease, etc. Fuck that «orange» kit though. Actually, its official title is «Blaze»! Either way, it’s horrible. Get rid. Couldn’t tell you what the show was like last night. The crowd were so loud I couldn’t hear much of anything else. They seemed to enjoy it so it’s all good, I expect. Incidentally, I may have tasted the greatest can of Guinness of all time last night. Quite unbelievable. Just about to fly to Monterey. Not the one where they had that festival in the 60s (that’s in California), but the real one about 5 hours from here. Gotta plane to catch. Hasta luego.

44


30th November 2008

J

ust waking up in Monterey. What a day! The sun has go his hat on. Beautiful sunrise. Nervously waiting on this very phone for updates on the score of the Manchester derby. Can’t see us getting anything today. 0-0 would be perfectly acceptable. Done a photo shoot yesterday in some shady neighbourhood. Wot’s-iz-name shit himself from start to finish. He doesn’t seem to like being out on the streets even if we’re surrounded by 6 armed guards. BOLLOCKS!! Little Spongebob Rooney’s just scored. Typical clown-ish behaviour in the box apparently. Now here’s a thing. In Mexico right, the hombres who flog the bootleg t-shirts etc. have been selling Man Utd shirts with their shit badge and the Oasis logo side by side on the front and GALLAGHER and a big no. 10 on the back?! MAN UTD SHIRTS!!!! That’s out-fuckin’-rageous. The gig was great - give or take the odd freestyle cock up. Half time. Shit-cunts - 1. City - 0. Flying back to LA today. Gonna be based there for a week. Cue torrential rain, no doubt. Gotta go via Dallas international airport. Immigration officials haven’t taken too kindly to me the last couple of times I’ve been in transit there - what with me being an evil genius’n’all. I’m steeling myself for a game of cat and mouse with whoever they send to deal with me this time. My missus is waiting for me in California with my boy so it’ll all be worthwhile. Adios Mexico. Hasta luego, and all that. PS - The match finished 1-0 to the squares.

45


“M

aybe i could rock out with coldplay, be nice to hang out with chris martin for a year on the road cus he’s mental. he’s as mad as a brush.


2nd December 2008

T

here’s a fog upon LA (the quiet one said that). I love the fog. We don’t get it much in England anymore (not round my manor anyway). I’m growing to like this town more and more. Is that wrong? Went to a party the other night. Andy was dj’ing. Speed dj’ing, in fact. Like a crackhead. He must’ve set some record for the most amount of tunes played in the least amount of time. Got 2 days off now. Not much fun without the sun though. There’s always shopping, I suppose. Seen the shittest busker of all time yesterday in Santa Monica, but I did purchase a lovely pair of brown cords. That’s pretty much it. In a bit.

48


4th December 2008

W

e were up in northern California yesterday. Oakland. The scenery from the airplane window on the way up was stunning stunning, I tells ya! Back on the road with Ryan Adams. Good to see him again. Gig weren’t all that. Had a few «technical problems» which pretty much amounts to cunts not doing their cunting jobs properly. I won’t go into detail - I’ll be here all morning. Mind you, someone in the front row fainted half way through. It’s a strange sight when someone gets oxygen and then stretchered out while the band plays on! Back in LA (AGAIN!!) today. Actually gonna get to do a gig here tonight. Seems like we’ve been here for weeks without doing anything. They reckon Morrissey’s on the guest list tonight! Really? I’ll believe it when I see him. An Oasis concert doesn’t sound like the natural environment where one would see a Morrissey. Beautiful day though. I’m off for a walk with my girl and my boy. In a bit.

49


6th December

W

ell, well, well. He turned up! Morrissey was actually in our actual dressing room. Being very funny. He asked me did I have any «new moves»!! Genius. Steve Jones (the Sex Pistol) was there. A proper dude. Can’t tell you what a buzz it is to have 2 of the people who are absolutely responsible for you making music in the room. I love meeting my heroes. They’re all top, top geezers. Gig was good. Went to the after show to see a few cats who come over from England. Didn’t hit it hard though. Got my boy in town. Not fair dad rolling in at dawn stinking the gaff out. Got another 2 weeks of that. Which brings me to tonight. Back in Vegas. At The Palms. Very 70s. Ricky Hatton’s in town (again!) as is Russell Brand and the elusive Matt Morgan. Gonna watch the Oscar de la Hoya fight and then rip it up (so to speak). Could and should get messy. In a bit.

50


7th December 2008

I

fuckin’ love Vegas. I think I may have mentioned this before. Have I? It’s mental. And not good for the soul but I’m glad there’s a place on Earth that exists like that and I get to go there once in a while. The room they gave me at The Palms was incredible. It had a pool table in it! And a disco shower (that’s right, a shower/discotheque)! Got taken to what’s called a high-rollers suite to watch the fight between Manny Paquiao and Fighting Oscar de la Hoya and what a fight! Paquiao battered him senseless. De la Hoya quit in the 8th (shithouse!). Tricky-Ricky-Hatton was in town (‘coz he’s fighting the winner, see?). He popped his little head round the door 5 mins before showtime. Good to see him again. I may have mentioned this once or twice before but he’s a good fuckin’ lad. He cleared out a few Guinness and went out front to watch the gig. The first person I spot in the gig (out of thousands) is my 4th best friend Russell Brand casually eyeing up people to get pregnant. Sadly for him it’s mainly boys at our gig (although I’m not sure that’d stop him). That dressing room was too small for all them people, it could’ve got dangerous. Good fun though. Me, Russell, Ricky, Burnin’Natty and various others had a look upstairs at the Bunny-Club (did I mention that The Palms is somehow affiliated to Playboy?). Poor Russell, he didn’t know where to start. He was like a dog in a cake shop. There’s too much to tell really. Ricky turned up in a wheelchair, the DJ played some hip-hop bootleg of ‘Wonderwall’, all manner of shit was going on. I slung it before sunrise (a wise move!). I’m at this moment back on the bus. Underneath the big sky. In the middle of nowhere. On the way to Denver. Mountains out of every window. Glorious. No wonder they all believe in God out here. Anyway, my head hurts. I need breakfast. In a bit.

51


9th December 2008

D

enver was cold, man! Fuckin’ freezing. Minus something or other. Left and went to bed in a snowstorm. Woke up somewhere else. 12 hours away. Think we’re in Minnesota. Bob Dylan country. It’s cold, flat, grey and bleak. No wonder he fucked off to NYC. Even the cattle look miserable. Just had breakfast at Trumps’ Truck Stop. It was full of fat men in baseball caps in sleeveless t-shirts!! Sleeveless!? It’s fuckin’ freezing!!! We’re on the way to Minneapolis. I’m expecting endless boredom. It’s a long way from California. In a bit.

52


10th December 2008

S

tayed in last night. Endlessly flickin’ round on the telly. I found THE most ludicrous programme I think I’ve ever seen. It was on a channel called Spike TV. And the programme was called «Manswers». Which - if I’m not very much mistaken - is a show that answers the questions American men are asking. «Manswers». Get it? Ok. What follows is TRUE. It’s what I saw and I hadn’t been drinking. 1. What’s the most powerful handgun available on the market? (There was a few to choose from and their power was demonstrated by birds with big tits in bikinis firing them in slow motion!! It looked and sounded like a spoof trailer for a Quentin Tarantino movie. Fuckin’ mental yet, strangely compelling!) 2. How can you survive being hit by a car? (Apparently there IS a technique which was demonstrated by a trained stuntman (not in a bikini) and I was told NOT to try it at home!! What? Not even a little practice?) 3. How would big boobs bounce on the moon?!!! (An «expert» actually explained that they (the boobs) would react in the same way as they would if they were underwater! FUCKIN’ LUDICROUS!!) 4. What’s faster - a man or his sperm? (To demonstrate this they had a midget in a white all-in-one Lycra body suit on a running machine. He signified the sperm, I think?) 5. What’s the horniest animal in the jungle? (You simply HAVE to know, don’t you? Thinking on...maybe I’d been spiked with acid). Fuckin’ ludicrous the lot of it. Gimme Seinfeld any day. In a bit. PS. The Bonobo Chimpanzee is the horniest animal in the jungle (just in case you were wondering).

53


11th December 2008

N

othing to say today. Nothing happened. We’re in Chicago. It’s equally as cold as Minneapolis. We did catch up with some old friends yesterday though. Them being The Black Crowes. We toured with them in 2002 (I think). They were playing across the street. Good to see Chris. He’s a lord. That’s it. Fuck all y’all. I’m going back to bed.

12th December 2008

N

othing doing here, kids. Went shopping yesterday. For guitars. Didn’t buy any. I’ve already got all the good ones. Went for a Chinese. They had a freshly boiled frog on the menu!! Boiled frog? YUMMY!! We’re in Chicago, by the way (but you knew that anyway). In a bit.

54


55


14th December 2008

I

t seems like I’m saying this a lot recently, but - fuck me - there’s nothing going on at the minute. NOTHING. Played Detroit last night. Got a day off today (in Detroit). It’s a Sunday. Utterly soul-destroyingly dull. So dull in fact that I actually bought something off that ebay last night. A vintage Gibson organ. Very fuckin’ cool. Gotta go and pick it up today at some fella’s house. Thinking on..that should be quite exciting! Going to a real American person’s actual house? Well, there’s fuck-all else to do. I’m currently watching some of that American Football. The New York Jets-V-The Buffalo Bills, in fact. I like it. I’m one of the few Mancunians who actually understand it. It’s a very simple game made extremely complicated by mathematics. For example, it’s currently 14-3 to the Jets. It’s 14.26 in the 2nd. The Jets have the ball on the 22 and it’s 3rd down and 8. Erm..sorry? In a bit.

56


57


15th December 2008

G

ot that organ. Very fuckin’ cool. Had to go to the guy’s house to get it. Don’t think I’ve ever been to an American’s actual house. Can’t remember being anyway. They do like a flashing, gardenbound x.mas decoration over here, don’t they? They love the old Stars’n’Stripes too, eh? Every fuckin’ house has got one on the porch (just in case one forgets where one is)! Watched a couple of great documentaries about a couple of unsavoury American characters of the late 60s, early 70s. 1st one was about Jim Jones and the People’s Temple (Google him, I can’t be arsed explaining who he was). The other one was about Charles Manson - whose bullshit, hippy rhetoric about revolution, free love and sex orgies reminds me (funnily enough) of my mate Russell Brand! Great films though. Talking of greatness, if you’re wondering what to ask Santa for x.mas, ask him for an album called «A Monstrous Psychedelic Bubble Exploding In Your Mind (Vol 1. Space Rock)». It’s a compilation album by someone called «The Amorphous Androgynous» (I’d hazard a guess that’s a made-up name). I’ve had it on in the dressing room for a month now. It’s one of the best things I’ve ever, ever heard. Go and find it NOW! It’ll blow your tiny little minds. In a bit. P.S. Did you see that Arab slinging his flip-flops at Georgie-boyBush? Genius. Reminded me of what it’s like playing «The Barra» in Glasgow!

58


16th December 2008

D

isaster struck last night. The fuckin’ bus broke down. 4 hours kip was all we got ‘til we ground to a halt in the middle of nowhere. Pitch-black and snowing sideways. Me, Tall Scratch and The Shroud had to pile on Romeo Dread’s bus. Nightmare. I can safely say, «I bet that’s never happened to Bono». Didn’t sweat it though. We’re on the way to NYC, baby, and Neil Young’s playing tonight. Can’t wait. I fuckin’ love that cat (and I’ll tell him as much if we get to speak to him later). Still snowing. Must be nearly x.mas, eh? In a bit.

59


19th December 2008

N

ow then. Been lost in the city for the last few days. Lots to tell. Where do we start? Neil Young was fuckin’ awesome. Outrageous even. The last true living legend. 63 years of age and he fuckin’ smashed it. He finished his set with not one single string left on his axe! NOT ONE!! Immense. Snowing again here. Had a sore head yesterday. Proper drink the night before. At the Beatrice Inn. Nice gaff. Typical NYC bar though. Pitch black. Strange people. Very tall. I met a guy. French he was. Comes up to me and sez in a perfect Inspector Clouseau accent, «Do you remember me? We met in Camden town 15 years ago. I asked you for a light and you punched me in the throat and said, ‘Go and fuck yourself, you fuckin’ tourist!!’ You don’t remember?» My missus is in town. Done a bit of freewheelin’ round the Village yesterday. Got serenaded with Stevie Wonder’s «Just Enough For The City» by a homeless (pretty good version actually). Shopped a bit for various kids. Met up with Cool Prophet and Tall Scratch. Few drinks in the hotel bar and bedways. Just leaving town for Philadelphia. 2 more gigs and that’s it. Looking forward to getting home. City are in crisis. They need me. In a bit.

60


21th December 2008

S

o that’s that then. What a tour! Been to Vegas twice. Carried Ricky Hatton’s belts out. Met David Beckham. Met Sly Stallone and that guy that says, «Let’s get ready to rumble!» at the big fights. Seen a great Beatles tribute band. Got shit-faced with Ricky in 2 different countries. Watched Tall Scratch set a new world record for speed dj’ing. Hung out with a Sex Pistol and an ex-Smith. Met up with old Russ’ in Vegas. Seen De La Hoya get his face smashed in. Got more shit-faced with Ricky. Witnessed an actual miracle in the Playboy Bunny Club. Gasped at the glory of the mountains out in the big country. Froze at least one of my bollocks off in the arctic wastelands in the middle of nowhere. Met up with our old hippy brothers, The Black Crowes. Dj’d at a couple of radio stations. Seen Neil Young and we smashed it at the Garden. Purchased: 1 Organ. 2 amps. 6 fx pedals. 2 pairs of trainers. 1 pair of jeans. 2 scarfs. 1 leather jacket. Bought a book on The Who and read a book by that Jack Kerouac. Listened to a lot of cosmic space music from the cosmic juke-box. And fell in love with one truly great, great album (seriously - buy that ‘Monstrous Psychedelic Bubble’ record. NOW! Do it NOW!) Like I say.. WHAT A TOUR!! See you next year. Thanks for listening.

61


13th January 2009

A

rright. Happy new year and all that. How was x.mas for you (not that I give a shit)? I didn’t bother much with the unpacking when we got home after the USA tour. But on closer inspection, on the day I packed for this bit, it would seem that somewhere between Washington and Heathrow some C**T baggage handler has been and stole a leather jacket (my favourite, favourite jacket) out of my suitcase. Don’t know why I’m telling you this, but I’m devastated. It’s good to be back at work, I must say. If only to pick up the electric guitar again. Just come from Nantes. In France. Which, quite frankly, felt like it was still closed for the holidays. Did manage to stay in THE SHITTEST hotel in the world though. And buy a pair of scissors (don’t ask). I’m looking forwards to this. It’s my favourite bit. Great countries. Great cities. Nice people all over the place. We’ve got some actually brilliant support bands as well.. Twisted Wheel. Glasvegas and Free Peace (who you won’t have heard of yet). Google them (I believe that’s what you young people do, innit?) Today we’re in Brussels. It’s pissing down. I’m staying in bed all day. In a bit. PS: Did anyone get that «Psychedelic Bubbles» album?

62


15th January 2009

F

uck me it’s cold!! Is this tour just gonna follow the snow, or what? Hello. We’re currently in Dresden. In the former East Germany. And it fuckin’ feels like it!! My voice is slowly going. I’ve got one of those annoying tickley coughs. Apologies in advance if you come to one of the gigs and I can’t hit the high-notes but the winter’s a bitch and people get colds so, like..erm..fuck off. My «people» have managed to track me down a replacement jacket for the one that was robbed out of my case. I love my «people». Hamburg tomorrow. That’s where The Beatles came before they went back to Liverpool. I’m off to suck on some throat sweeties. In a bit.

63


17th January 2009

I

f anyone came to the Hamburg show last night (well done, by the way!), can I just apologise that you had to witness me coughing my insides up at various points during the evening. An undignified sight I know, but this cold is killing me. We’re in Berlin so today I can say, ‘Ich bin fuckin’ freezing!’. Not much happening lately. The daily chat’s been dominated by the story of that Kaka’s proposed move to the almighty Man City. Looks like the Sheiks are starting to put their money where their mouths are. So it looks like Robinho really was just the start! Colossal amounts of money are being talked about. Obscene, some have said. Ferguson’s face was a picture in his press conference yesterday though. That in itself was worth £100m. He looked shellshocked. Bring it on, I say. Fuck morals. Fuck Arsene Wenger and his socialist football nonsense. Fuck all that bollocks about the club losing its identity. What identity?? The fact that we’ve been skint for 30 years? Just a thought though, your highness... now you’ve started throwing the money around - can we have a new kit? No one likes the current one. In a bit.

64


20th January 2009

W

hen was the last time I sent one of these? I can’t remember. Berlin maybe? Fuck knows. Had to blow the show out in Dusseldorf yesterday. Romeo’s lost his voice and can’t sing. Think it’s already been re-scheduled for sometime in the next week or so. It does mean we get 2 days off in Amsterdam though (every cloud’n’all that, eh?). I’m not a massive fan of the ‘dam. It used to be pretty laid back and serene in the 80s. It just seems to be full of c***s these days. They all seem to be English and all. Ended up in some Irish bar last night (what would the world be without Irish bars?). Playing pool and getting pissed. It seems me and Cool Prophet are the pool masters. Dunno what to do today. Go for a walk and get high, I suppose. Or get high and go for a walk? Decisions, decisions.. In a bit.

65


22th January 2009

B

ored of Amsterdam now. Been here 3 days. Far too long for my liking. Still got another show tonight. And a fuckin’ day off here tomorrow. There’s not a great deal to do here at the best of times but it’s particularly grim in the middle of winter. Glad that Kaka business is over. Somewhat predictably he didn’t fancy it. The fuckin’ newspapers are having a field day with City at the moment. It’s getting boring. Talking of the papers. Did anyone see that story of Oasis allegedly meeting Tom Cruise in a hotel in Berlin?! Ludicrous. The mind boggles at where these stories come from. Pure nonsense. Q magazine are with us for a couple of days. At least it’ll alleviate the boredom. I like doing interviews. I find myself having opinions on things I truly couldn’t care less about. I wonder what they’ll ask me about this time? Blur re-forming, I suppose. We’ll find out soon enough. In a bit.

66


23th January 2009

U

rgh! My head hurts today. Had a bit of a smash-up last night. Where? But an Irish bar of course. Me and Cool Prophet were the last ones left at it - again! So I got left with the bar bill - which I’ve just found in my pocket. It reads as follows: 29 pints of Guinness 16 pints of Strongbow 6 pints of Jupiler (whatever the fuck that is!) 4 pints of Heineken 3 Gordon’s gin 5 Sauza Tequila 12 Bacardis 11 Vodka Stolis 14 Jameson whiskey 10 Bushmills Malt 16 bottles of Coke 7 bottles of tonic 4 7-Up ...and this is the killer: 1 glass of Port and a packet of Cheese and Onion crisps!!?? All came to a colossal €708.40. Bargain. In a bit.

67


26th January 2009

W

here’ve we been since last time? Fuck knows. Gothenburg last night. That much I do know. Met up with some old friends. From that band «The Soundtrack Of Our Lives». They were dj’ing at some club. Pretty fuckin’ rowdy, as I remember. Think there was a definite Viking element to the evening. Met the Swedish cultural minister last night! Bit of a dude, by all accounts. Lord knows what shit I filled his head with. Sven Goran Eriksson probably. Just on the way to Oslo. Norway. I like Scandinavia . Very clean. I must go. I think I’m starting to ramble. In a bit. PS: Still trying to get to the bottom of who had 1 glass of Port and a packet of cheese and onion crisps in Amsterdam the other night. Everyone’s taking the 5th. The smart money’s on the guy from Q Magazine though. We may never know.

68


28th January 2009

N

ow..I know there’s a world financial crisis going on, but I went for a Chinese the other night in Oslo, right - and guess what? No fortune cookie! What the fuck is all that about? How is anyone supposed to plan for future events pertaining to one’s personal situation if you don’t know what the future holds? If the Chinese can’t afford to put cryptic analysis of future events (with lottery numbers) on a strip of paper inside a bendy-biscuit then we are well and truly fucked!! I wonder if Obama can sort that? Talking of whom - I see me and him are going head-to-head for an NME award. Burnin’ Natty sent me a full colour page piece they ran about it in the Manchester Evening News. Ganja Prince remarked that it looked like a boxing promo poster. Apparently Obama’s people have asked for a framed copy to put in the bog at the White House! We were in Stockholm last night. That band The Caesars have been opening up for us the last few nights. I’ve liked them for a while. They’ve got a few good tunes and 1 fuckin’ belter called «Kick You Out». And a very smart, very good drummer. The crowds are getting younger and younger. Kids! Actual real kids. Been watching MTV a bit on this tour (don’t ask me why?). That Justin Timberlake is in nearly every fuckin’ video - even his own! Does he ever have a day off? France today. Dunno where. Some city that sounds like a babygirl’s name. Mange tout, and all that.

69


30th January 2009

C

an’t get shut of this fuckin’ cold. A major-major pain in the arsehole. Still, it does mean one can legitimately drink before going onstage. Whiskey, hot water, half a lemon and a splash of honey (a Hot Toddy they call it - handsome!). Helps make it fun, at least. Incidentally, I hate that word, ‘Toddy’. It makes me feel uncomfortable, that and the word ‘latte’ AND the word ‘bonkers’. The latter almost drives me to violence. We’re in Belgium. I have no idea why. We’re supposed to be in France. I’m in a hotel in Brussels. Called the «Amigo»? How very.. erm, Spanish. Added to that I have a fuckin’ didgeridoo in my room!! A fuckin’ didgeridoo? It’s a cultural mess. It’s absolutely bastard bonk..oh, fuck off!! In a bit.

70


71


3rd February 2009

H

ello there. Been a few days, eh? Where HAVE we been? I know we were in Milan last night. What a night! A great, great gig was followed - somewhat predictably - by a monumental drink-up. Didn’t go out anywhere. Just at the hotel bar. David Beckham came to the gig. Was good to catch up with him again after that night in Vegas - remember? Irie Nancy was in town and all. Shopping, of course. She brought me big laughs and tales of The Mighty I. who’s taken to wearing tights while the cold bites back home. Am currently in a TV studio in Paris. Hanging around. Doing nothing. Still a little bit drunk, I think. Flying to Germany tonight to do that show we cancelled the other week. Or maybe it’s tomorrow. Fuck knows. Either way, I’d rather be in bed. Au revoir’n’all that.

72


4th February 2009

W

ell, that’s all for now, droogs. Got a week off. This bit’s been hard graft, man. Europe in the dead of winter is fuckin’ grim. Must make a mental note not to do this again. Some great nights though. Milan, in particular. Those crazy kids killed me, man. FORZA MILANO. Amsterdam and all. Never did get to the bottom of that bastard glass of port! By the way, there’s gonna be a very special release coming your way soon. Remember that «Amorphous Androgynous» lot I was telling you about? Well, they’ve done a «Monstrous Psychedelic Bubble» mix of «Falling Down». It’s 22 mins long. I’ll repeat that, TWENTY-TWO MINUTES LONG!! I fully expect 50% of you not to have the attention span to deal with something like that but the rest of you, I hope, will be blown away. It’s a staggering piece of music. Monumental even. All superlatives will apply. Anyway, enough. Time off has just begun. In a bit.

73


12th February 2009

H

ola.

We’re in Madrid. The sun’s out and it’s actually warm! WARM!! New band from Liverpool are on this bit of the tour with us. Free Peace is their name. Heavy R’n’B is their game. With emphasis on the ‘B’. Looking forward to this leg. Then again, I always say that. It IS warm though (did I mention that?). Hasta Luego.

74


13th February 2009

H

ola.

Great show last night. We were a bit rusty after a week off but the gig was mega. Possibly the loudest crowd yet. Free Peace were outrageous. The kid who plays the electric guitar is far out, man. No plectrum!! I’m being a bit of a muso, but it was stunning. Off to Barcelona today. Tuff Levi’s coming over for a night out. Should be messy. I’ll be out of the game for the next 48 hours. See you on the other side. «All we are saay-ing is give Free Peace a chance».

75


15th February 2009

A

lright there. Phew! Barcelona was a great gig. And a great night. Free Peace are still having it. Tuff Levi turned up. Played us some of his new tunes. Sounded great the first couple of times then it got a bit silly. Must’ve heard ‘em 20 times in a row! All good though. Couple of Swedish friends of ours were in town (they’re DJs). Me, The Prophet, Romeo, Levi and a few stragglers went to some discotheque they were playing at after the show. A good night. If I remember correctly (which I don’t!). Currently in Lisbon. Dunno much about the place. We don’t seem to come here often. Or do we? Fuck knows. It���s a nice day though. In a bit.

76


18th February 2009

S

orry droogs. Forgot about you lot!

Now then - what’s been happening? Well, we went to Lisbon. I thought it wouldn’t get any better than Barcelona and Madrid - how wrong I was. I think it was my favourite night of the whole tour so far. It may well have been the best gig too. Them kids sang it LOUD, man. Gave our disc-jockey a lesson in heavy psychedelic rock music in the dressing room afterwards. I really should try my hand at that dj’ing malarky. I’d be fuckin’ brilliant. Left the people of Lisbon with a message of love for José Mourinho. We really do need him back in England. Preferably at Man City. We were in Toulouse last night (that’s in France, if anyone’s reading this from The Daily Star). Them French kids are a bit more laid back than their Latino cousins. A quiet gig. Watched ‘Scarface’ last night on the bus. Suddenly dawned on me that it’s the first time I’ve seen it since «the 90s» and not been acting out nearly every scene with Tony Montana - political refugee. (I never did get that tiger I promised myself). Great film though. I send you this message from Marseille (that’s also in France). Gig tonight, then onto our spiritual home ITALIA. In a bit.

77


iam is like a man with a fork in a world full of soup.

“L


18th March 2009

N polite.

ow then. How is everybody? Not that I give a shit, just being

We’re in Japan. I’ve got quite a soft spot for this mob. Who hasn’t? Lovely little fellas, they are. Got thrown out of a taxi this morning. At least I think I did. Hard to tell over here. There was shouting and pointing and then the international hand signal for «Get the fuck out of my cab, you western dog!» Jet lag will put a downer on the gig tonight. I already can’t be arsed. Nevermind. They’ve got Yorkshire tea bags on the rider which, let’s face it, is all that matters to a 40 year old Northerner. In a bit.

80


20th March 2009

A

rright’dare, la’.

That bullet train malarky was most enjoyable. The sight of Mount Fuji was, and indeed is, always amazing. Majestic, in fact. A bit like that new Kasabian album. But then I am biased. Had a mooch round Shinjuku yesterday. What a day’n’all. The sun had his hat on, let me tell you. Jet lag’s a killer, man. Was well spaced out all day. Bought a colossal jacket. For real. Can’t work out how much it was though. I’m shit at maths. It was from Stone Island so I’d be amazed if it wasn’t about 5 grand!! I see City went through to the last 8 of the UEFA cup. With a whimper. Typical. At least we got there though. Shay Given, I will kiss you on the face if we win it - which is a ludicrous thought. Still..best start thinking of what to do if we actually get in the final. Just done a round of interviews in which I was asked to explain what I thought has gone wrong with the global economy!! Apart from the fact that the global conspiracy theorists have seemingly been right all along, we managed to trace back the actual moment the storms clouds started to gather to when Franz Ferdinand won the Mercury Muzak Prize. THINK ABOUT IT. In a bit.

81


23th March 2009

B

een in Sapporo for the last couple of days (did I mention that?). It’s snowing. SNOWING! Thought we’d left the winter behind in Europe. Apparently not. Seems like we’re being haunted by the cold on this tour. Gig was good. Uneventful, but good. I say gig, they’re more like concert performances over here. You can hear a pin drop between songs. Played that song «Whatever» for the first time in.. what.. 12 years? Bizarrely enough it’s our most famous song in Japan. The kids are always mithering for it. Dunno why I decided to play it last night. Guess it means I’ll have to play it every night now. Went out to watch the Liverpool-Aston Villa match after the concert last night. At an IRISH BAR!! They’re everywhere. I bet there’s one in Kabul. Liverpool won 5-0, as I remember. Every time they scored, the DJ in the bar played «You’ll Never Walk Alone» by Gerry and the bloody Pacemakers. 5 times he played it!! 5 TIMES!! Good times though. We’re flying to Osaka today. Now, in fact. Before I get off, tell me what you think of this.. There’s been a fan following me around since I got here carrying a sign that says, in fluorescent lettering, NOEL OR DIE! Now given the fact that the Japanese have a certain way with the English, I’m still not quite sure what it means. NOEL OR DIE!?? In a bit. PS. As I’m sending this I’m watching some «human beat-box battle» on Japanese telly. Human beat-box? Human cunt-box, more like.

82


24th March 2009

T

hat girl was waiting for me at the airport. With the sign. «NOEL OR DIE». What does it mean!? I did try and ask her, sadly all she was interested in was a bloody picture. I then used the tried and tested English method for international communication; I asked her really ..slowly. «WHAT ...DOES ...IT ...MEAN?» She looked at me like The Mighty I looks at me when I’m asking him something. «THE SIGN ...WHAT ...DOES ...IT ...MEAN?» She replied very slowly with two simple words. «SIGN? ...YES» That’s got to the bottom of that then, eh? I’m glad I AM Noel though. Wouldn’t want to die, or anything. We’re in Osaka for the next 3 days. What can I tell you about Osaka? Nothing. I bought a guitar here once. With that in mind, I think I’ll order breakfast and get out and about. In a bit.

83


26th March 2009

T

his is probably gonna be a load of rambling nonsense. It’s 5am. I’ve been awake since 3.30am, I only went to bed at midnight!! Feel like that dude in that song by Faithless. I can’t get no sleep. It’s killing me, man. Not a great deal going on either. The gigs in Osaka were quite runof-the-mill. Unenjoyably run-of-the-mill. «The Sign» (I shall now refer to it from now on as «The Sign») was there. Down the front. Bright as a button. NOEL OR DIE. Went to Tower Records yesterday. They still have amazing record shops out here. It was quite early so it was virtually empty. I’m in there 2 mins and on comes ‘Stop The Clocks - The Best of Oasis’ really fuckin’ loud over the in-store PA. «Ah..just what I wanted to hear». I’m trying to ignore it and one of the little-uns comes up and asks for «my sign, please!», while pointing to the ceiling, very pleased with himself. «Thanks for that». Bought 5 albums. All shit. I won’t name names. I was just taking a punt, so to speak. I’m fuckin’ starving. I’m gonna order breakfast... Done, be here in 30 mins.

84


Bought a guitar yesterday. A Gibson SG. It’s a new one. A re-issue of the George model. Not the ACTUAL model, but near enough. Looks good. Plays good. Talking of guitars, I’m getting a bit concerned about my main one. The big red one. It’s suddenly started to sound a bit old and tired. And it will NOT stay in tune. It is nearly 50 years old though. Might have to stop using it for a while. Bit worried, to be honest. I’m quite literally fucked without it. We’re traveling back to Tokyo today (but we’ve just come from there, surely?). 4 more nights there and that’ll be it. Mind you, always a pleasure on that bullet train. Incidentally, I was watching summat on BBC World the other day about them bullet trains and apparently since they went into service in the 60s, the average delay time..in almost 50 years..is 6 seconds. SIX SECONDS over 50 years!!?? And they’ve only had one derailment and that was during an earthquake!! Staggering, eh? No? Well, it is at 5am!! Breakfast will be here in 11 seconds. Gotta go. In a bit.

85


28th March 2009

N

ow then. Have actually managed to get some much needed kip. 17 hours over 2 nights! It wasn’t un-aided, nor un-interupted. 17 hours it was, nonetheless. I feel like my old self. Or a new man. Whatever. Done some crazy TV show last night called...I can’t remember! Big deal though, apparently. Went on for 3 hours! Watching the camera work by the cameramen (and women, y’know, whatever) was amazing. They had it all choreographed like a dance routine. Really brilliant. Didn’t see «The Sign» yesterday. Mr al-Fayed’s shoes were hanging around though. They truly are incredible. Not much else to tell really. No..that’s it, I’m afraid. If anything exciting happens, I’ll be in touch. In a bit.

86


87


2nd April 2009

S

oz for the break in transmission. My phone don’t work in Korea. Now..where were we? The Japanese leg finished up with a bang. Great show. Was still feeling wiped out. Don’t really think they seen us at our best this time. Does that make any sense? It does to me. Talking of not making sense, tell me what you make of this. Y’know how them Japanese have a unique take on things? Well I was strutting ‘round Shibuya (in Tokyo) the other day and I spotted something that made me laugh. Found myself on a street full of themed bars. Get on these. An Irish bar (naturally). An English bar. A BRITISH bar (can’t leave the Scots and the Welsh out - sweet really). A Victorian bar?! And this is the killer - a lads bar!? The sign in the window (in very laddish pink neon) read: LADS BAR (FOR CASUAL DRINKING). I had to have a look in. Y’never know, Mr al-Fayed’s shoes might’ve been at the bar. There was a few boys in there with fresh NME/Shockwaves hairdooz. Looking about as casual as Franz Ferdinand putting on eyeliner! Remember «The Sign»? Well the kids had them in Korea. Except these ones said «Noel Or Death»!! There was one at the airport today. In Taipei!! Madness. That gig in Seoul was truly amazing. The stand-out gig of the whole tour so far. Who’d have thought it? Not me, that’s for sure. God bless them South Korean kids. Gotta go. It’s taken me nearly 2 hours to write this. Bit too much to drink last night, etc. In a bit.

88


4th April 2009

S

o that was a bit mad. 18,000 people. Upstairs. On the 2nd floor of a huge exhibition centre. You could feel the building shake during «Rock ‘N’ Roll Star». Scary fun. Taipei’s mad as fuck. Never seen so many scooters in all my life. Suddenly feel very far from home. They worship snakes and electronic goods??? Bit like myself (apart from the snakes). The Shoes and Tall Scratch have been having a philosophical discussion about the book of Tao! (That’s not a joke, by the way!!) Highly amusing. Am currently at the airport boarding a flight to Singapore. I liked it there last time. Hope it hasn’t changed. City play Arsenal tonight. Planning a night out to watch it. Gotta go. In a bit.

89


6th April 2009

H

rmph. So City lost (again!). No surprise there. We were woeful though. What’s happened to Robinho? It properly pissed down here yesterday. Yer’actual tropical thunder storm. Beautiful. Gig was splendid. Hot and sticky. It was 86 degrees at 11 o’clock at night. Nice. Does kind of mean that there tends to be a lot of flipflops around! Lot of British people out here which I’m always suspicious of. Don’t know why. What are they doing here? Buying cheap handbags for fat birds back home? Dunno. Talking of back home - what’s going on, anything exciting? Haven’t seen a paper for weeks. No bad thing. Is it true that Madonna is trying to buy Shaun-Wright Phillips from Man City? Say it ain’t so! I’m on the way to Hong Kong. In a bit.

90


9th April 2009

S

o that’s that for South-East Asia. Glad it’s over, to be honest. As much as I love the food, the people, etc.. there’s only so many times one can eat noodles. That last gig in Hong Kong was rubbish. A good night, but a shit gig. Managed at last to finally see a bit of Hong Kong itself yesterday. It’s got the same kind of atmosphere as NYC. Busy. Cosmopolitan. Multi-culti. Whatever. I liked it a lot. Horrendous traffic though. Just landed in Johannesburg after a 14 hour flight. I saw a copy of The News Of The World on the stands in Hong Kong airport. Has someone died since we’ve been away? The headline said «Goodbye Princess» against a picture from a funeral cortege. Please don’t tell me Tina from Coronation St. is dead?! I couldn’t cope. Managed to sleep most of the way!! Unbelievable. Woke to see the sunrise over Africa. Just amazing. This is my first time on the dark continent. Actually, I tell a lie.. it’s my third!! Went to Egypt once to see the great pyramids. Fuckin’ colossal. And to Marrakech. Where I ended up at a party in a castle, blind drunk with Richard Branson’s dad!! That’s actually true. He was that pissed he asked me how many wives I had! «One», I replied. «And she’s not gonna be around much longer». Think he thought I was one of the natives. Top geezer though. Currently on the way into downtown Johannesburg. In a car with 3 security guards! THREE!! And two of those are armed to the teeth. Shit, man!! Must be a heavy place, eh? In a bit.

91


10th April 2009

P

hew! What a couple of days. Sunshine! At last. Been sat on the balcony in my room doing fuck all. Listening to tunes. Drinking tea. Smoking. If that’s not heaven, then I don’t know what is. Done a press conference yesterday. Loved it. Good fun. «Will you be singing ‘Champagne Supernova’ at the Coke-Fest?» Sez a journalist. «’Champagne Supernova’? Coke-Fest? Reminds me of a party I once had!» Sez I. «Boom-boom», went the crowd (to themselves). Did I mention the reason we’re here is ‘coz we’re doing a festival? Two, in fact. One here and one in Cape Town, day after tomorrow. Anyway, gotta go. In a bit.

92


11th April 2009

W

ell that was a bit weird. The Coke-Fest. Not sure what to make of it. Strange crowd. It seemed to be made up of every conceivable type of person imaginable. Very quiet. Some of them unfurled a huge banner that said, «NOEL’S PISS IS THE CURE FOR CANCER»!!?? We were on after Snow Patrol. Gotta say, I was staggered at the amount of gear they have onstage. And it all seemed to be working! We must’ve sounded like Buddy Holly’s backing band by comparison. Leaving for Cape Town in a bit. Meeting up with the rest of Team Gallagher. They’re on board for the rest of this bit of tour. Can’t wait. In a bit. PS. That thing about my piss has NOT been proven.

93


13th April 2009

‘E

ye oop. Made it to Cape Town. What a place! Far less shady than Jo’burg. Beautiful weather. Real old-school hotel. Table Mountain is virtually outside my bedroom window. It’s right THERE!! Amazing. Great to see everyone from Team NG. Irie Nancy, The Mighty I and Ganga Wailer all present and correct and in good spirits. Had a trip to Boulder Beach yesterday to see some penguins. Funny little fellas. Not my bag, you understand. It’s all about the kids, see? City lost again yesterday. Utter shite. I feel for the manager. Think he’ll go in the summer. Hope not. But I think he will. Not much else to report. I’m off to get some rays before tonight’s gig. It’s the last one before a 2 week break. Thank god. In a bit.

94


28th April 2009

i

t’s all got a bit mad over here. This swine flu malarky is freaking people out. Landed at Crack’arse airport yesterday. All the ground staff are wearing those little white face masks! ALL OF THEM. It was like something out of another Stephen King novel. I suddenly feel quite naked without one. Then if that wasn’t bad enough my mam called me at that very moment and tells me to be «careful» or I WILL die of pig flu. I swear at that point I did a massive sneeze and the entire airport fell silent and started to stare!! I WANT A MASK!!! Crack’arse, it must be said, is not the most glamourous of destinations, despite what we were led to believe as kids from that film «Gregory’s Girl». I currently have an armed guard outside my room! What does that say? Am I vulnerable to a robbery from room service? Anyway, could be worse, at least the sun’s out and I have a balcony and it’s 86*. Mind you, what about snipers (as Bobby Gillespie once said to me as we were getting pissed in my back garden)?? In a bit.

95


29th April 2009

B

aba-do-baah!..POW! That gig was pretty good. Considering we ain’t played for 2 weeks it was really good. Crowd was a bit weird. Very calm. Underwhelmed even. I’m assured that’s good though. What to tell...? Nothing really. Flying to Peru today. I’ve never been. Have you? What’s it like? Are there Irish bars? Surely there must be? Rest of the boys are leaving early. I’m staying here for the day. Got special permission to watch the Man-U-V-The-Arsenal. Can’t wait. Ain’t got that pig flu yet, by the way. Give it time though. In a bit.

96


1st May 2009

i

t’s been a couple of days, right? Had a bit of a panic. Lost my phone. AGAIN. That’s the 4th time this tour. It’s leading a charmed life, let me tell you. I must thank the air hostess who found it. Anyway, got myself a pig flu mask and I must say, I quite like it. Makes one feel like a James Bond baddy. And look like an evil genius. No wonder Mike Jackson wears ‘em all the time. Wonder if we should get Oasis ones knocked up for the merchandise store? Am currently nursing a bad head in Lima. Peru. Never know what to expect from gaffs like this. Not many people come here, see? No one that I know anyway. We played the national football stadium last night. 48,000 sell-out!! Outrageous. Amazing gig. Proper jumpin’. Strange weather today. It’s about 80* and foggy!? Hot-fog! Mad as custard. Hang on a minute..hot-fog? That sounds like a name for an early 70s prog band. And if isn’t then it should be. In fact, I hereby copyright the name HOT-FOG for future use - y’know, if I ever start a dance troupe, or summat. HOT-FOG! It’s fuckin’ genius and you heard it here first. In a bit.

97


3rd May 2009

‘E

ye-oop. We speak at bad times for the Oasis tour. Bad times. We are a rudderless ship at the minute. And there’s a fuckin’ shit-storm on the horizon. I guess all will be revealed in due course. Strange atmosphere. I wouldn’t mind but we’re in South America! Playing massive stadiums and there’s a bit too much hrmph-ing going on for my liking. Shame really. Just back from the soundcheck at the River Plate Stadium. Sounded really good. Looking forward to it. By the way, before I forget, that new song that appeared on your internet is called «If I Had A Gun..» It’s not quite finished yet but it was quite nice to hear that someone had taped it. Been doing a few new ones lately. They sound quite epic. Stayed up late to watch Ricky Hatton’s fight last night. A fuckin’ disaster. knocked out in 2 rounds. Crushed. I guess the cheque will soften the blow, but still..fuck!! Never mind, we can all help him drown his sorrows at Heaton Park. In a bit.

4th May 2009

W

ell, what a night!! People of Argentina, I salute you. One of the best nights of all time. Amazing. There’s not a great deal to say after that. I’m leaving for Chile. Santiago, in fact. Adios muchachos (‘n’all that).

98


99


6th May 2009

G

reat show last night. They just keep getting better and better.

Very little else to report. Some kids had made up «Noel Or Die» badges. The Japanese kids will be thrilled at that. I’m at Santiago Airoporto. Just waiting on a flight to Rio. Gonna be hot, hot, hot. And the hotel’s right on the Copacabana beach. Not that I’ll get to see much of it. The kids there are fuckin’ crazy. I’ll be confined to barracks. Never mind. Got my trusty axe. I’ve been doing a bit of writing for the 1st time in ages - did I mention that already? Maybe? Very disappointing to to see Man Utd get to the Champ’s League final - AGAIN! They were fuckin’ good though. Swatted the Arsenal like little French Flies. Hope Barca murder Chelsea tonight. Anyway, fuck all that AND fuck all this. I’m bored. Seen some classic Ray-Bans in the shops. And I want them so I’m going to get them. In a bit.

100


7th May 2009

I

z’rite. Only just stopped pissing myself at Chelsea getting knocked out of the Champ’s League last night. Is there a greater sight in world football than a pissed off Didier Drogba? Hmm ...a sniveling John Terry, maybe? Whatever, vamos Barca. We’re in Brazil! Rio De Janeiro. Or as the natives say «Redge-AnAiro». Should be a good gig tonight. Always is here. The story of the day is that the Sheik, his highness, the guy that ACTUALLY OWNS Man City is coming to the gig!! THE FUCKIN’ BULLDOZER!! Bet he doesn’t. He’ll probably send someone to see us for him! I’ll keep you posted. In a bit.

101


8th May 2009

T

hese gigs just keep getting better and better. I didn’t think we could top Peru, Argentina and Chile but fuck me, last night was easily up there with the best nights EVER! Amazing crowd. I suppose one should expect nothing less from Brazilians, but still «well done». And if that wasn’t enough, I spent the day by a virtually deserted pool right on the beach. Hungover. Just me. And some beautiful people playing volleyball in the pool. The atmosphere was spoiled somewhat by «Man, I Feel LIke A Women» by that Shania Twain playing somewhere in the distance. 3 TIMES!! Still, it’s days like these that I’m glad I persevered with that bloody guitar when I was a young boy. Sao Paulo tomorrow. Home of Robinho and Elano. WE ARE CITY etc.. In a bit. PS. By the way, The Bulldozer didn’t show up.

102


10th May 2009

S

o. Last night was eventful. The gig was outdoors and it fuckin’ pissed down. PISSED DOWN! Monsoon style. Thunder and lightning. You wouldn’t get away with that anywhere else in the world. These Brazilians don’t give a fuck though. Amazing night. As it always is in Sao Paulo. I was particularly good (well!? I was!!). We are currently in Curitiba. CURITIBA!! That’s NOT a country, Mr Tabloid Writer. It’s a city in Brazil. In a bit.

103


4th June 2009

N

ow then. The summer of bigness is upon us. We are in the righteous North-West. In God’s own city. Manchester. Soundcheck went well yesterday, I think. Hard to tell when you’re playing in an empty park. Looks good though. Went round to Umbro last night to see Man City’s new kits for next season. Tell you what, even if we don’t win anything next season we’ll be the best looking team in the league. No question. They are the bollocks. Got a free tracksuit top and all! The Enemy have pulled out of tonight’s show. Tom’s got food poisoning. Shame. Was looking forward to seeing them for the 1st time. Nevermind. Big-John-the-Reverend and his Makers are doing the honours and stepping in. While I’m on the subject of The Enemy. There’s been an attempt by the NME to try and start some juvenille, pathetic feud between the bands in the run up to these gigs. Can I assure everyone that there is not and never will be anything between the working classes and its heroes. If I personally see any weasel from the NME at these gigs (which is highly unlikely) they’ll be getting escorted off site. In fact, you could do me a favour here. If you see an NME journalist at any of the gigs (and let’s face it, they’re pretty easy to spot; they don’t stray far from hospitality, wear God-awful clothes - particularly the shoes - got dreadful hair and that kind of «mug me» look about them), give ‘em a clip round the ear-hole from me and tell ‘em to behave. In a bit.

104


5th June 2009

W

ell, Well, Well. Where do we start?

What should’ve been the start of something monumental turned into a fuckin’ shambles. No sound. Half the lights. No inspiration. Fuckin’ rubbish. Somebody lost a LOT of money last night – probably me. I think I’m still a bit furious. I would apologise but it was nothing to do with me – you can’t get the staff, etc. I guess if you’re cheeky enough to ask for a refund you’ll get one. In a bit.

105


9th June 2009

P

hew!! Have been having so much fun I’ve forgotten to stay in touch. Been up in Mcr for 6 days. What a joy it’s been. Them gigs were amazing. You will be aware of the problems on the opening night. The PA blew up twice and we hadn’t been onstage for 10 mins! Not the best start. But the crowd were pretty cool about it. In hindsight we may have overreacted by offering refunds etc. If any of you who were there feel genuinely aggrieved and it spoiled your night I guess you’ll somehow get your money back. The weather, being very Mancunian, didn’t get in the way of the other 2 nights being fantastic. Saturday was truly, truly special. It was a pleasure just to be there! I feel though that I must just give one final little bit of «kudos» (her word, not mine) to Angela Bernstein - a ginger whinger from the MEN who has written a couple of shitty little pieces over the last few days. In them she claimed that we - and by that I mean YOU - had no «right» to «come up here» from London, Liverpool, Birmingham, Leeds, Glasgow, Tokyo, LA, Milan, all over the world in fact, to «her» wonderful piece of England and enjoy ourselves and leave a little bit of mud. What a joyless old husk!! Pity Mr Bernstein - I’m assuming there is one - and her beloved little dog, that’s what I say! The fact that people - young people (remember them grandma? You were probably one once) - from ALL OVER THE WORLD came to Mcr for the weekend, some for the first time, might actually not be all that bad a thing? Think of that the next time you’re bent over in «your» park wiping your little dog’s business. We probably paid for the bins you’ll be dropping his poo-poo in. To the rest of you. The 210,000 people who came to see us. The general consensus is that you were a credit to us - and by that I mean the band - and ultimately to yourselves. I THANK YOU. Am currently on the way to Newcastle to see Kasabian do a sneaky little gig tonight before we smash it in Sunderland tomorrow. In a bit.

106


11th June 2009

A

rright.

Great night last night. Watched all 3 bands. The Makers. The Enemy and Kasabian. From out front. All brilliant. It may have been the best I’ve ever seen from Kasabian. Great crowd. Very young. Very male. Saying that, you’re never quite sure up in the northeast, could’ve been lots of girls there. Everyone looks the same!! Unbelievable audience though. Kind of makes you wish you were 20 again and down the front with your mates. Anyway, enough of that bollocks. Little spotty-arse Ronaldo is finally leaving England!! £80m. To Real Madrid (they could’ve bought Newcastle for that). Good riddance, I say. Am currently en route to Cardiff. This one WILL get messy. The Peth are opening up. All 10 of ‘em. Apparently Rhys has broken his leg - and he’s still doing the gig!! He fuckin’ loves it. In a bit.

107


13th June 2009

G

ood afternoon.

Last night was our 99th gig of this tour. NINETY-FUCKIN’-NINE!! I have to say the people of Wales were right up there with the best. What a choir!!! You could hear them in the valleys. Kasabian again were fuckin’ outrageous. If they’re not selling out stadiums within 2 years I’ll eat Joanna Lumley’s shit!! Can’t remember great swathes of the night. Ricky «The Hitman» and Rhys «The (S)hit(faced)man» were on board for the evening. Apart from some woeful dj’ing by Romeo the night was a good ‘un, I think. Off to the South of France tonight. Someone’s booked a random gig for us in Lyon (is that in the South of France?). Weather’s nice, apparently. Tous-tous le monde ‘n’ all that.

108


19th June 2009

H

ello? Is there anybody out there?

Been having technical problems with the lines of communication of late. Sorry for the break in transmission. Normal service is now resumed - and no, you’re not getting your money back!! While I’m on that subject, it seems that around 20,000 of you have asked for a refund from that night at Heaton Park!! 20,000!! So you were genuinely disappointed? I don’t recall seeing a 20,000 gap in the crowd. Cheeky cunts! Tsk ..some people. Anyway, no such problems in Scotland. Gig at Murrayfield was great. Great crowd, as always. The Enemy and Kasabian were on top form. Didn’t see The Reverend. Apart from - yet again! - some poor DJ’ing from Romeo the party in the dressing room was a good-un. Didn’t leave ‘til the sun came up. Respect to Kasabian. They were still there when I left and they had a gig in Glasgow last night! Fuck that. They must’ve been rough as arseholes. Off to Dublin today where, for one night only, we will welcome The Prodigy to the tour. Slane Castle tomorrow. Silvermints, Tayto crisps and brunches! YUMMY. In a bit.

109


21th June 2009

U

rgh..what a hangover! Horrific. Great, great night though. As spectacles go (and I don’t mean the ones you wear) Slane Castle takes some beating. I don’t think I’ve seen The Prodigy since Knebworth but fuck me, they had it yesterday. Incredible behaviour. You gotta be good to follow Kasabian. They are. Don’t remember leaving the gig! I feel poisoned. Not looking forward to the flight home AND me and Irie Nancy have got to go to a friend’s 40th tomorrow. More boozing. Shit!! Got 10 days off though so mustn’t grumble. In a bit.

110


2nd July 2009

N

ow then. Long time, etc.. certainly seems like it anyway. What’s been going on then? I believe somebody’s died? Festival season is upon us. My favourite part of the tour. Living la vida loca. In-out-put the kettle on. We are on the Eurostar. Heading for Brussels. Belgium. And the Hotel Amigo (the one with the identity crisis). Dunno what the festival’s called or what it’s about. I do know we’re playing with some of the titans of British music. Google the bill, it’s staggering in its shitness. Nevermind. Like I say, in-out-put the kettle on, etc. Don’t know if I’ve got anything else for you..no..no, that’s it. In a bit.

111


3rd July 2009

W

ell last night was brilliant. Great big, big crowd. 70-odd thousand. Fuck me, it was hot though. Lily Allen was on our stage. I haven’t seen her in a while. I’ve known Lil’ since she was a kid. Her old fella used to bring her round to that Supernova Heights gaff of mine in the 90s. A good kid. Works hard, plays hard. Am currently heading to Denmark where we will play the Roskilde Festival. Get on the bill (see if you can spot the odd one out): FAITH NO MORE!!! NICK CAVE AND THEM BAD SEEDS!!! oasis NINE INCH NAILS!!! Can you tell? Someone’s having a shit night, eh? In a bit.

112


4th July 2009

S

o last night was fuckin’ brilliant. One of the bestest. Don’t ask why. It just was. Roskilde’s not as big as I remembered it. I had it in my head it was about 100,000 people. Seemed like maybe half that. Still..it was one of those rare gigs where straight from the very 1st note you just know it’s gonna be good. I’ve lost one of my bags - AGAIN!! It’s becoming a theme of this tour. Lost bags, lost clothes, broken ribs. It’s beginning to get on my tits. Back in dat’dare London. Coventry on Tuesday then Wembley!! Cannot wait. In a bit.

113


7th July 2009

B

oom! Boom!! D’you know what that is? That’s the sound of thunder - or so my little lad informed me over the weekend. How’s things? Fine and dandy? Good. Am in Coventry today. Haven’t been here since, ooh 2 months ago. Came to see The Specials, innit? After a week of glorious weather while we were away it’s pissing down. C***’s trick. The Ricoh Arena’s mega though. Very tidy. Looking forward to tonight. My mates «Free Peace» are opening up. Good boys. Top band. The Enemy are the main band on before us tonight. Kasabian are busy being weird somewhere odd. It’s a homer for them. Should be mad as fuck. Wonder what Bruno will wear tonight? Mr al Fayed’s shoes have made their long-awaited re-appearance! Life’s been dull without them. This Mike Jackson thing’s dragging on a bit, innit? Who do they think he is, Jade Goody? Listen out for the dedication tonight. There’s bound to be one. If it’s during Live Forever I may do a little poo-poo..then vomit. In a bit.

114


8th July 2009

W

ell, that was much fun. Shit weather though. Still, no one seemed to mind. Enemy were great. Hometown gig, and all that. They pulled it out of the hat, so to speak. Bruno seemed determined, and I mean DETERMINED that no one, and I mean NO ONE was gonna enjoy themselves. Very strange. Y’can’t keep the kids down though. A couple of The Specials were in attendance. Lynval and Sir Horace, in fact. Lynval came and said hello. What a dude. And my mate Jamie Carragher. Good lad, Carragh’. Anyway, look, I gotta go. In a bit.

115


“C

an I just say, that none is getting a refund this time! It cost us half a million quid last time. No you, not you, not you, not you, not you with the glasses, no, no refunds for people with glasses.

“


14th July 2009

P

hew! Thank the good Lord that weekend’s over. Been absolutely ruined by the Wembley smash up. Still feeling like a little lump of dog-shit and it’s fuckin’ Tuesday!! Anyway, here’s the story - what I can remember of it, at least! Thursday night had a bit of a Thursday night feel to it, if you know what I mean? Incidentally, what a shit night Thursday night has become! No Top Of The Pops. No Coronation Street. Nothing. I bet nothing of any significance has ever happened on a Thursday - in the world of Rock’N’Roll, that is. I bet Altamont wasn’t on a Thursday. I bet Shea Stadium wasn’t on a Thursday. Knebworth wasn’t on a Thursday. We should fuck Thursday off anyway. Cut it back to a 6 day week. The gig was really good, for a Thursday. The best thing about it though was the magnificent green leather jacket Serge was wearing. Too good for a Thursday. Friday was a bit of a lazy day. Went and done an interview with Johnny Ross. He’s a naughty boy, Jonathan. He was determined to try and get me to have a pop at the Blur re-union. Not this time. Those days are long gone. Although it was fun at the time I’d like to think we’ve all grown up a little bit since then. He has, and it was funny though.

118


Saturday was altogether a different kettle of fish. What a night. One of THOSE nights. What an atmosphere! It pissed down but that only added to it. Easily one of the best nights ever. There was some moments, let me tell you. If you were in that crowd, and if I wore a hat I’d doff it in your general direction. I wouldn’t go as far as Mr Bruno saying, «You’re the best fans in the world». As Arsene Wenger once said, «Everybody thinks they have the most beautiful wife», or even more ludicrously (is that a word? ..it is now!!), «You’re the best human beings in the world!»?? Nonsense! My kids are the best human beings in the world. Fact. BUT the version of «Don’t Look Back In Anger» was very special indeed. Which brings us to Sunday. Party time. Another very special night. Lots of friends in attendance. Great, great gig. Not as good as the piss up after though. 9’n’half hours we was in that dressing room. Drinking, dancing, smoking and talking shite. A colossal end to an epic weekend. Am currently on a train in Devon heading to the Eden Project. Doing that gig we had to cancel last August!! I must go as I need to strangle a child that’s been crying all the way from London! In a bit.

119


16th July 2009

S

o! The Eden Project. A wonderful place. Particularly for the kids, one would’ve thought. As for a rock’n’roll show? I’m not so sure. It was a re-scheduled show from last September (did I mention that?) when that idiot broke up my rib-cage. Somewhat predictably it fuckin’ pissed down! SIDEWAYS!! It was raining on stage at one point. The audience were all in proper wet weather gear. Was like playing to the hippies at Greenham Common in the 80s. All that being said, I really enjoyed it. Quite intimate. 6,000 wurzels. Think there was actually more people in the dressing room on Sunday night at Wembley. Good laugh. Didn’t hang around after, still felt rough after the weekend. Feel tip-top today though. Which is great ‘cos we’re in Valencia for that Benicassim festival. SCORCHIO!! Having a lazy day. Getting some sun. Basking in the glory of Man City’s spending. Carlos Tevez joined us yesterday (or maybe the day before)!! What an exciting time for us. The Oasis tour finishes about 2 games into the new season. I fully plan to go to every game possible next season. Usually manage about 6 a season. Gonna have a lot of time on my hands in the near future so bring it on. WE ARE CITY. In a bit.

122


17th July 2009

H

ola.

Benicassim? What a fuckin’ waste of time! If it wasn’t for those bloody kids it would’ve been a disaster. I really can’t say enough about the crowd. Unbelievable behaviour. Special mention to the topless birds - what a welcome sight that was! The problem was...wait for it...yes! The fuckin’ PA. It blew TWICE!! And the monitor system blew TWICE!! It’s becoming a joke. And not a very funny one. Those little lads from The View joined us backstage for warm beer. Now, I’m down with the Scotch. Irie Nancy’s one. So is The Mighty I (effectively). No problem with them. But what that lot were going on about I’ll never know. Had to get James from Glasvegas to translate. He was none the wiser. Weller’s up there tonight. Some of us are going to see him. It’ll probably get pretty messy. Off to Berne in the morning. That’s in Switzerland. I’ve got nothing else to say. In a bit.

123


19th July 2009

H

ello. Seems like the problems we experienced at that Benicassim were, in the grand scheme of things, minor irritations. The next 2 days were cancelled. High winds caused chaos, by all accounts. There was a massive, massive fire on site. Weller only played half his set before he was pulled off (not like that, you filthy little twat!). No such troubles up in the Alps here in Switzerland. The fezzies here run like clockwork. Bit nippy though. Didn’t spoil the gig. It was really fuckin’ good. Didn’t see any other bands so nothing to report on that front. Off to Germany today. Last festival of this little trip. Roundhouse on Tuesday. Then off to Japan/South Korea on Wednesday. Kasabian are on the same stage as us today. Should be fun. In a bit.

124


21th July 2009

F

uck! Forgot about you. Where were we?

That festival in Germany was pretty fuckin’ mad. It was in an old disused coal mine. All the old machinery had been preserved and turned into a mad gothic industrial landscape. I imagine it’s what the inside of Marilyn Manson’s head looks like. Gig was great. Kasabian were..actually, I didn’t even see them, I was doing interviews. Back in London now. Playing The Roundhouse tonight. Then off to Japan in the morning. I’m fucked. Hope I’m not getting that swine flu. In a bit.

125


22th July 2009

W

ell that gig at The Roundhouse was..erm..very odd. What’siz’name exploded with pretend rage the minute he walked on. Strange cat. Probably on his man period. Saying that, it was a full moon’n’all. Didn’t notice him getting any more hairy though. Mind you, those that were there seemed to enjoy it, so..y’know, onwards and sideways. Didn’t stick around after the gig. Just couldn’t be arsed. Too many squares for my liking. Just on the way to Heathrow. Off to Japan / South Korea for a week. My phone doesn’t work out there so there’ll be a break in transmission. Will spill any relevant beans when I get back. In a bit.

126


127


28th July 2009

P

hew. Just back from that whistle stop tour of the far east. Japan, South Korea and Hong Kong. 5 days. 2 gigs. Lots of noodles and a million air miles. My phone didn’t work out there and I wasn’t keeping notes so you’ll have to do with what I can remember, which doesn’t bode well. Here goes. At Heathrow, on the way out, I bumped into that Jenson Button. He’s a racing car driver. A famous one. Pretty good too, by all accounts. And I seen that Stephen Fry. He’s famous for knowing pretty much everything. Got hassled by a man (I think it was a man!) in a kilt. Who wasn’t famous or Scottish, just annoying. The flight was mobbed. Watched that film about that heavy metal band «Anvil». Fuckin’ funny. Metal is though, innit? Was met at the airport by that girl who invented the «Noel Or Die» sign. Only now she’s made t-shirts. With me as a Simpsons character who looks more like Tom Hanks!! Do I look like Tom Hanks? Tokyo was hot, damp and humid. Tried to stay awake by shopping my bollocks off. It was a minor success. Had some noodles - real ones - and went to bed. So far, so good. Had a great kip. Unbelievable. 10 hours! A personal best. Man City was on the BBC World News for meeting that Nelson Mandela!!! MAN CITY!! No one gave a monkey’s ‘bout Man City 6 months ago, now we’re on the news meeting world leaders! Now that is mental. Still hot and humid, only now it’s raining, and I mean raining. Monsoon gear. Biblical. Missed the train to the gig. No panic. They literally run every 3 minutes. Got to that Fuji Rock just in time to see my old mate and soul brother #1, Paul Weller. Hadn’t seen him play since May. He was well psychedelic. It pissed down all the way through his set. Good though.

128


Had to drive back to Tokyo after. 3 c**ting hours. Grim as fuck. Still raining. Hard, boiling hot rain. Didn’t get any kip that night. Not a single second. Flew to Seoul the next day. Feeling slightly mental. I thought I was losing my eyesight at one point. Totally fucked. Can’t remember much after that. Apart from 2 things. I seen an advert for a play called «Breakout». It was billed as an «Extreme dance comedy»!? EXTREME DANCE COMEDY? What on God’s green earth is that gonna be like? And what’s extreme about it? The dance or the comedy? Ludicrous dance comedy, more like. Not only that, I seen an Italian restaurant - in Seoul - called «Mad For Garlic»!! MAD FOR GARLIC?!!! And it was fuckin’ packed. The gig was immense. They really do know how to do that synchronised hand clapping shit in Korea. Spectacular. Jet - the band - were on before us. Hadn’t seen them since that American tour in 2006, was it? They’ve been in the gym, let me tell you. Flew home the next day (have I missed a day?). Had a 5 hour stopover in Hong Kong. Caught up with the English newspapers. Mardy-bum John Terry’s not coming to City. Halle-fuckin’-looya. Ate more crisps than even Irie Nancy could imagine. Bored shitless. Slept like a small elephant on the flight home. Arrived at a deserted Heathrow at 5.05 this morning. Hope this made sense, if it didn’t, fuck’all y’all. It’s 3 o’clock next Thursday afternoon in my head. In a bit.

129


20th August 2009

T

he massive. How on earth is everyone? All good? Wonderful.

Fuck me, I enjoyed those 2 weeks off. Had some beautiful quiet nights in with Nancy and a couple of truly magical nights out with.. well, if I told you, you wouldn’t believe me. I will say this though, there was royalty involved!! Had a few days on the Amalfi coast in Italia. Very nice. Lovely weather. What else? BUT, OF COURSE!! The football season’s started. Me and Burning Natty and various comrades made our way up to Blackburn to see Man City take the first steps of the new revolution. What a day! Must’ve been 10,000 Blues there. Unbelievable atmosphere. Bit like an Oasis gig. Talking of which, I’m at Kings Cross Station. Former home of Russell Brand. Catching a train to York. Got a gig tonight at a health spa in Bridlington. A warm up for that V Festival this weekend. If you’re coming, I’ll see you there. I’ll be stage right. Being brilliant. In a bit.

130


21th August 2009

A’

reet.

Last night? Blinding. Very, very hot. Loud crowd. Bridlington’s like the land that time forgot. Y’know that tune by Morrissey, «Every Day Is Like Sunday»? Surely he wrote it about Bridlington? Nice people though. Legged it to York straight after the gig with Burning Natty. Had to get an early train back to London in the a.m. Got some family business to take care of. The York races are on so there was some wonderful sights on the platform. Fat orange birds in ludicrous hats. Day off today. Heading back up north tomorrow. Going to see City before we smash the V Festival in Stafford. In a bit.

131


20th August 2009

T

he massive. How on earth is everyone? All good? Wonderful.

Fuck me, I enjoyed those 2 weeks off. Had some beautiful quiet nights in with Nancy and a couple of truly magical nights out with.. well, if I told you, you wouldn’t believe me. I will say this though, there was royalty involved!! Had a few days on the Amalfi coast in Italia. Very nice. Lovely weather. What else? BUT, OF COURSE!! The football season’s started. Me and Burning Natty and various comrades made our way up to Blackburn to see Man City take the first steps of the new revolution. What a day! Must’ve been 10,000 Blues there. Unbelievable atmosphere. Bit like an Oasis gig. Talking of which, I’m at Kings Cross Station. Former home of Russell Brand. Catching a train to York. Got a gig tonight at a health spa in Bridlington. A warm up for that V Festival this weekend. If you’re coming, I’ll see you there. I’ll be stage right. Being brilliant. In a bit.

132


21th August 2009

A’

reet.

Last night? Blinding. Very, very hot. Loud crowd. Bridlington’s like the land that time forgot. Y’know that tune by Morrissey, «Every Day Is Like Sunday»? Surely he wrote it about Bridlington? Nice people though. Legged it to York straight after the gig with Burning Natty. Had to get an early train back to London in the a.m. Got some family business to take care of. The York races are on so there was some wonderful sights on the platform. Fat orange birds in ludicrous hats. Day off today. Heading back up north tomorrow. Going to see City before we smash the V Festival in Stafford. In a bit.

22th August 2009

B

oo! Just come off stage at V in Stafford. And I don’t mind admitting that I didn’t enjoy it one bit. Dunno know. Couldn’t get into it. Very strange. Don’t feel too clever. Outrageous stomach ache. Feel like I’m coming down with summat. Bugger. Might have to get the doctor out in the morning. Hope it came out of the speakers ok. Gutted. Oh well, there’s always tomorrow. In a bit.

133


29th August 2009

D

early beloved, it is with a heavy heart and a sad face that I say this to you this morning. As of last Friday the 28th August, I have been forced to leave the Manchester rock’n’roll pop group Oasis. The details are not important and of too great a number to list. But I feel you have the right to know that the level of verbal and violent intimidation towards me, my family, friends and comrades has become intolerable. And the lack of support and understanding from my management and band mates has left me with no other option than to get me cape and seek pastures new. I would like firstly to offer my apologies to them kids in Paris who’d paid money and waited all day to see us only to be let down AGAIN by the band. Apologies are probably not enough, I know, but I’m afraid it’s all I’ve got. While I’m on the subject, I’d like to say to the good people of V Festival that experienced the same thing. Again, I can only apologise - although I don’t know why, it was nothing to do with me. I was match fit and ready to be brilliant. Alas, other people in the group weren’t up to it. In closing I would like to thank all the Oasis fans, all over the world. The last 18 years have been truly, truly amazing (and I hate that word, but today is the one time I’ll deem it appropriate). A dream come true. I take with me glorious memories. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a family and a football team to indulge. I’ll see you somewhere down the road. It’s been a fuckin’ pleasure. Thanks very much. Goodbye.

134


135


“I

t’s with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight. People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer.

Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan.



Tales from the middle of nowhere