Shweta Rajwaar PARAGRAPH 1 Pulling on my robe, I follow him through a door into a sitting. Two red couches face each other over a low table. Three walls are blank; the fourth is entirely glass, providing a window to the city. I can see by the light that it must be around noon, although the sunny sky has turned overcast. Cinna invites me to sit on one of the couches and takes his place across from me. He presses a button on the side of the table. The top split and from below rises a second tabletop that holds our lunch. Chicken and chunks of oranges cooked in a creamy sauce laid on a bed of pearly white grain, tiny green peas and onions, rolls shaped like flowers, and for dessert, a pudding the colour of honey. EFFECTIVENESS This is the part in the book where Katniss and Cinna have lunch together after meeting for the first time. Sight is appealed in the first sentences by the use of ‘two red couches facing each other’ and ‘three walls are blank’ and ‘fourth is entirely glass’. This helps us create the image in our head. The ‘noon’ time is shown by telling us that she can decide it by the light through ‘a window to the city’. The positioning of both the people is shown by using the phrase ‘his place across from me’. Then the food is described. It comes from the ‘top split’ of the ‘side of the table’ by a press of ‘a button’. This shows that this is set in the future by using this kind of technology. Then the ‘chicken’ comes out and it is described as being cooked with ‘oranges’. This gives us an effect of the taste of the two pieces combined. There is also a ‘creamy sauce’, again appealing the taste and sight. There are also ‘bed of pearly white grain’ effectively showing us the order of the grain and its colour. Then more eating items are described effectively like the ‘tiny green peas and onions’ and ‘pudding the colour of honey’. The shape of some of them is also described as ‘rolls shaped like flowers’. Here a simile is also used making the effect of the roll more real. There is a great use of different kinds of adjectives which makes the passage very effective, in this case visually. PARAGRAPH 2 Sitting at Prim’s knees, guarding her, is the world’s ugliest cat. Mashedin nose, half of one ear missing, eyes the colour of rotting squash. Prim named him Buttercup, insisting that his muddy yellow coat matched the bright flower. He hates me. Or at least distrusts me. Even though it was years ago, I think he still remembers how I tried to drown him in a bucket when Prim brought him home. Scrawny kitten, belly swollen with worms, crawling with fleas. The last thing I needed was another mouth to feed. But Prim begged so hard, cried even, I had to let him stay. It turned out OK. My mother even got rid of the vermin and he’s a born mouser. Even catched the occasion rat. Sometimes, when I clean a kill, I feed Buttercup the entrails, He has stopped hissing at me. EFFECTIVENESS
This passage talks about Prim’s cat buttercup and the impression of Katniss about him. The cat is describes as a protector first ‘guarding’ at ‘Prim’s knees’. However, after this the impression is changed by describing his facial features which makes him look ugly. ‘Mashedin nose’, ‘half of one ear missing’ and ‘eyes the colour of rotting squash’ give us a very negative dominant impression of the cat. The fur is also described as ‘muddy yellow coat’ which seemed to ‘match the bright flower’ of Buttercup. This also makes the cat very ugly and the description makes it easy to visualize the cat with all the features that have been used here to describe the cat. Then a variety of sentences lengths are used and also simple sentences like ‘he hates me’ and ‘or at least distrusts me’. This makes the passage very effective as different techniques are used to achieve it. Furthermore the cat is described in the past. ‘Scrawny kitten’, ‘belly swollen with worms’ and ‘crawling with fleas’ makes him look very disgusting and unpleasing to see. This also shows how Prim cares about animals as she brought him home even after looking at his state. It is said that she ‘begged so hard, cried even’ for the cat. This shows that she cares about animals. This is shown rather than told. We also know that the family is poor by the phrase ‘the last thing I needed was another mouth to feed’. This is shown rather than told also. PARAGRAPH 3 I am still the “girl on fire”. The sheer fabric softly glows. Even the slight movement in the air sends a ripple up my body. By comparison, the chariot costume seems garish, the interview dress too contrived. In this dress, I give the illusion of wearing candlelight. “What do you think?” asks Cinna. “I think it’s the best yet,” I say. When I manage to pull my eyes away from the flickering fabric, I’m in for something of a shock. My hair’s lose, held back by a simple headband. The makeup rounds and fills out the sharp angles of my face. A clear polish coats my nail. The sleeveless dress is gathered at my ribs, not my waist, largely eliminating any help the padding would have given my figure. The hem falls just to my knees. Without heels, you can see my true stature. I look, very simple, like a girl. A young one. Fourteen at the most. Innocent. Harmless. Yes, it is shocking that Cinna has pulled this off when you remember I’ve just won the Games. EFFECTIVENESS In the story, this is when Katniss has won the games and has to appear in front of the camera, have an interview one final time. This abstract comes towards the end and talks about the dress she has to wear to the show with Peeta. Her clothing has been described as very gentle in the paragraph. Words like ‘soft’ and ‘glows’ shows this. The dominant impression is bright and beautiful of the passage. The dress seems to be very delicate using words like ‘slightest movement’ and ‘ripple’. Then there is the use of some negative words and other dresses are given a negative impression like ‘garish’ and ‘too contrived’ This makes this dress even prettier as comparison took place, giving us an effect of out of all the dresses this one felt perfect. This is shown rather than told. Also, further, use of the phrase ‘manage to pull my eyes away’ shows us that the dress is very stunning. The ‘illusion of wearing a candlelight’ makes her seem very bright in the darkness. She also agrees by saying ’it’s the best yet’. After, the effect of the dress being really pretty comes up again as ‘I manage to
pll eyes away’. The use of the word ‘flickering’ makes it even more effective. Then, the word choice that is used to describe Katniss is very ordinary. Words like ‘simple’ and ‘clear polish’ help giving this effect of plain. Then she is described as very naive and childlike. Words like “innocent’, ‘young one’, ‘harmless’ signify this and make it look more effective. REWRITING paragraph 3 I am still the ‘girl on fire’ but not quite. The fabric glows with a very faint light. The slightest movement seems to wake the dress up out of the dullness, shining a little too brightly after. By comparison, the chariot dress was very original and creative, the interview dress elegant. In this dress, I look plain and uninteresting. “What do you think?” asks Cinna hopefully. “I think it’s the most simple, yet,” I manage to say pleasingly. After finally looking away from the glossy fabric, I’m in for a shock. My hair’s lose, held back by a simple headband. The makeup rounds and fills out the sharp angles of my face, giving me a standard look. A clear polish coats my nails. The sleeveless dress is gathered at my ribs, not my waist, largely eliminating any help the padding would have given my figure. The dress abbreviated, the hem falling at my knees. With no heels, my true stature is exposed. I look, very simple, like a young girl. Fourteen at most, hiding away my brutal years spent in district 12. I look innocent and harmless. Not rough and harsh. My true nature concealed, not showing what the Games has made me. Yes, it is shocking that Cinna can make me look this way when you remember I’ve just won the Games. RATIONALE for paragraph 3 I have changed the dominant impression from positive to negative. The dress was described very unique and different and I have made it sound unusual in a bad way. By the use of many adjectives I have added my descriptions very negative. The positive adjectives like ‘glows softly’, ‘best’, and ‘flickering fabric’ were replaced by ‘faint light’, ‘most simple’, and ‘glossy fabric’. I have also made the other dresses look better, as if Katniss liked them better. In the real passage she does not. Then the other descriptions are made negative as well. The makeup makes her look ‘standard’ and the dress is ‘abbreviated’ which gives it very negative look. It makes the dress sound very short and the makeup very plain. Then instead of saying ‘you can see ‘, I have said ‘my true stature is exposed’ which makes it sound negative. Then I have included many things like ‘hiding my brutal years’ and ‘not rough and harsh’. This addition is to talk about how her life has been and it is affecting her feelings in this situation. Also, ‘my true nature is concealed’ shows that the dress makes her look like someone she has not. Then I also say that the Hunger Games has changed her as she has become ‘rough and harsh’. Here I have also used varied sentences sizes for more effect. PARAGRAPH 4 The door opens and a young man who must be Cinna enters. I’m taken aback by how normal he looks. Most of the stylists they interviewed on television are so dyed, stencilled and surgically altered they’re grotesque. But Cinna’s closecropped hair appears to be it’s natural
shade of brown. He’s in a simple black shirt and trousers. The only concession to selfalterations seems to be metallic gold eyeliner that has been applied with a light hand. It brings out the flecks of gold in his green eyes. And, despite my disgust with Capitol and their hideous fashion, I can’t help thinking how attractive it looks. “Hello, Katniss. I’m Cinna, your stylist,” he says in a quiet voice somewhat lacking in the Capitol’s affectations. EFFECTIVENESS This is the introduction of Cinna, Katniss’s stylist and their first meeting in the book. Cinna is described as a ‘young man’ and very unusual. The phrase ‘how normal he looks’ shows that he was so very different from others which didn’t happen quite often as Katniss was ‘taken aback’. Furthermore the other stylists are shown in a negative light by using words like ‘so dyed’, ‘stencilled and surgically altered they’re grotesque’. However, Cinna is different as his hair is “closecropped’ and ‘it’s natural colour of brown’. This then proves that he is different from the usual stylists and even the rest of the people of the Capitol. He is a simple person wearing ‘simple black shirt and trousers’. He is also not very keen in the makeup part as he wears a ‘metallic gold eyeliner that has been applied with a light hand’. This makes him look good as it ‘brings out the flecks of gold in his green eyes’. All of this makes Cinna look very handsome despite not wearing anything fancy or trying to look good. Others do not have a good sense of He also lacks the ‘affectations’ of the ‘Capitol’. All of this makes him look like an alien in that surrounding. He doesn’t belong there and it is very questionable if he is one of the people who are from the ‘Capitol’. This is the effect that is created by the passage. REWRITING paragraph 4 The door opens and a youthful man comes in. He must be Cinna. I’m astounded by how normal and orderly he looks. Most of the stylist they interviewed on television are so dyed, stencilled and surgically altered they’re grotesque. But Cinna’s shiny crosscropped hair does not seem to be painted with the heavy colors of the Capitol. It appears to be natural shade of brown. He’s in a simple outfit, same color shirt and trousers. He does not look from the Capitol at all where looking like a rainbow is the fashion. The only concession to selfalterations seems to be metallic gold eyeliner. It is a very light shade as if a very subtle hand has been used. But it looks amazing on him, it brings out the flecks of gold in his green crystal eyes. And, despite the burning hate and disgust I have towards these people, I can’t help thinking how mesmerizing and attractive it looks. “Hello, Katniss. I’m Cinna, your stylist,” he says in the barely audible quiet voice which somewhat lacks the Capitol’s affectations and their hysteria with The Games.
RATIONALE for paragraph 4 In this passage, I have maintained the tone, however made it more prominent. The affection Katniss has for Cinna is now more noticeable. Also, the hate for the capitol. I have done this by adding many adjectives in places where the effect was lacking or where the extra adjective would have made the passage more effective. For example, I have
added ‘shiny’, ‘subtle’, ‘amazing’, ‘crystal’ and ‘mesmerizing’ in places where they were missing. This adds extra effect to the situation and makes Cinna look good, better than in the original passage. I have made him very distinct from others as this is what appealed to Katniss in the real passage. I have done this by comparing him further to other people in the Capitol. For example, ‘with heavy colours of the Capitol’ and the sentence ‘He does not look from the Capitol at all where looking like a rainbow is the fashion.’ is added by me. This makes him look very different from others and more likeable. I have also used a simile in that sentence making it easier to connect. At the end I have added ‘as if a very subtle hand’. This is done because Katniss does not know about the makeup techniques and is guessing how the eyeliner could have applied. This makes more sense according to the book since she has lived in District 12 all her life until now. I have also added ‘burning hate’ in order to make the hate more noticeable. At the end I have clearly said that he is different and she likes him by saying that ‘barely audible quiet voice which somewhat lacks the Capitol’s affectations and their hysteria with The Games.’