No Sign of Missing Knickers
Police report no progress and no leads on the curious case of 3,062 pair of underwear that went missing during the Maturantski ples. However, 3,062 used condoms have been recovered, a police spokesman said. “I’ve never seen anything like it” is the mantra of the police force investigating the mysterious disappearance at Gospodarsko Razstavi!"e, which is currently off-limits to pedestrians.
Student Cheat Executed
Gimnazija Be#igrad student Marijan Cvitokovi" was executed at dawn Sunday morning at Ljubljana Castle. His claim that this year’s Matura was just a random rearrangement of words from last year’s Matura resulted in a conviction for heresy. Execution was carried out according to the Zavod RS za !olstvo guidelines.
Full details on page
Information About Matura Grading
A force of 76 policemen (most of them mercenaries from Ikea) searched every single Arch Examiner separates passes and failures room in the building for The Be#igrad Sheet is proud to present you the a washing machine, believing that the underwear information about the grading process for your were simply being washed, but failed to find one. The Matura exam. Our reporters have gained the right to school cleaning ladies could not give any information present all the requirements for a good grade on your at all, since they were rolling on the floor final exam. Let us look at the grading process of a howling written exam paper. with laughter during the interrogation. Police For a paper to be assessed according to the ZRS$ psychologists describe them as suffering from postcriteria there is a form that needs to be followed. disappearance syndrome. However, after six hours of investigating, one of Calligraphy is not important, but most of the the policemen noticed a number of strange artifacts, examiners don't bother reading bad writing and which he described as long rubber tubes, closed at consider a writer with a good calligraphy an arrogant one end, at the site of the dance. Through a series of and foolish idiot. Every page has to be numbered with forensic tests, the police are now quite convinced that Mayan or Babylonian numerals. On the top left part the long tubes are condoms, despite them being of the page is the right spot to write your name, along stretched to a size that seemed misleading at first. with the class, your longest toe length and your Reporters gazed in silence as the brave policemen set political and religious beliefs. The date is to be written according to the Bulgarian Julian calendar. off counting the condoms.
Full story on page 6.
Continued on page 5.
DISCLAIMER: The Be!igrad Sheet is a humor magazine. Everything in here is entirely fictional, and any resemblances to real people are purely coincidental. Should you not find The Sheet to be amusing, you have no sense of humor, and should not read at all.
From the Editor: A Sheety Ending
Bežigrad’s Former Students – Where Are They Now?
Albertius Enstin the V has recently became famous by proving Albert Einstein was wrong in one of his theories. In one of the equations, Einstein forgot to multiply with $365 and then divide the result with z$4omg. Therefore, Albertinus was nominated for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Physics. Jane-Jane Gertruda is currently one of the most famous ex-Be!igrad students, as she discovered the lost city Atlantis in the Piran bay, only 100 meters from Tartini’s square. The international public’s reactions were mixed. Gilbet Umbertus invented pills that increase knowledge. When you study after taking the pills, the knowledge in your brain will be 15 times bigger. For this invention G.U was nominated for the 2010 Nobel Prize in Medicine.
Sit down and shut the fuck up! This is the 10th and most likely the final edition of The Be!igrad Sheet. We have had a lot of laughs producing this ridiculous trashy tabloid over the last six years and we hope to have given you smiles or at least something to wrap dead fish in. My superiors in Langley have finally forgiven my sins, and I am to be reassigned at the Slovenia desk in the central office, basement level 3a. While my mission to subvert and corrupt the youth of Slovenia has been a failure, no one at Langley ever checked my entirely fictional reports or, most likely, even read them. Funding for The Sheet comes entirely from the CIA I can now reveal. They are astonishingly stupid with their money. We have used the funds for wild parties, trips to Las Vegas, and elaborate dinners featuring ostrich stuffed with beluga caviar. The paper itself is stolen and the printers worked at gunpoint. And I am leaving laughing, absolutely delighted at having fooled everyone for years that I was an English teacher. So long and thanks for all the fish!
! Vol. LXXVIII, No 2, Spring issue 2010 Published by: Gimnazija Be!igrad, Peri"eva 4, 1000 Ljubljana 750.000 copies printed in over 20 languages and dialects, including Esperanto, Swahili and Dalèjn#"ina. All rights reserved.
Popy T. has recently discovered the Philosopher's stone while walking her dog on Golovec. The stone, which at first seemed like ordinary granite, was really the most wanted stone in history. Her husband, a well-recognized alchemist, revealed the truth and made them billionaires. Georder dem Villan is the author of the most brilliant way of transportation that works overseas too. The best thing about it it’s 100% terrorist safe. The projects main sponsor is AlQuaeda
Letter from the Royal Ambassador of Gibber Akhtabi Be!igrad,
Skfola tjugarja internaktjol, mij sunko aktebaterater. He ko, goramtok deenferij hostabi, kostat lessio ad ambasa ar Gibber. Jo keho, napar geroftio felli ad ferantobas gedamker priivuarum. Gibber ambasa mij, Ander Stendabol, filsom jebaat am Be!igrad ey hor deffekandet as IB program, konst abigh seroti gerref. Heppij em ged ad filsom am IB, koz skfola Be!igrad respektavret in Ljubljana, Slovenija ut. Basefron gherau konstanteg frau ey hor deffekand skfola proga. Internaktjolit kafunt ad dikh saken. Yebeem tee skfola, fekanra Be!igrad. Ander Stendabol Royal Ambassador of Gibber
Letters to the editor: firstname.lastname@example.org
2 •• The Be!igrad • The Be!igrad Sheet M ay 2010 Sheet • May 2010
The Shocking Performance of DJ Public Urination
Yesterday, senior students of GIMB witnessed the tragic demise of DJ Public urination during the annual GIMB graduation ball. DJ Public Urination was one of the main attractions of the ball. He offered great amusement through incredibly (un)entertaining, profane jokes such as: “What’s the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can’t peanut butter my willy up someone’s corn hole!” The particular DJ is very well known for his tendency to piss profligately whenever and wherever he pleases. In the tragic case of yesterday’s performance, that happened to be the foot of a gorilla. The gorilla was very much offended by this obscene act and proceeded to rip the ignorant fool to shreds.
Janitor’s Farewell Address
Fellow cleaning staff, students, parents and my mom who is sitting right there in the corner, A productive year has passed by and I can proudly say I’ve conquered almost the entire Bristle woods and am now located in the Forbidden grove. I smashed the Horn of many surprises with the sword of a thousand truths a dozen of times to gain enough mysterious points to purchase the Arcane Capturing Rod Of Never Yielding Mystery. Many sacrifices were made for this achievement and I stand here before you today holding my glass with thy holy fingers numbed by multiple sclerosis, ironically diagnosed by Dr. Sclerosis from the senior citizens’ infirmary. The bastard scheduled me at 4 o’ clock, exactly when the portal of the dancing fairies was about to open for the very first time. And that kids, is what real world is like. You can’t always get the radioactive seeds from the flaming parrots. Let this thought guide you from the Mighty Mountains to the Chocolate Chambers.
First, the gorilla put down his whiskey glass and stopped smoking his cigar. What followed could only be described as divine justice. The gorilla grabbed the DJ by his family jewels and tore them off, throwing them high into the air and making them land in a bowl of punch which the janitor later drank. Other limbs flew all around the hall, but none reached the glory of his gonads. The gorilla, a gentle, sophisticated being of somewhat large proportions had this to say about the accident: “I was just there, sitting in the VIP lounge, drinking my whiskey, smoking a cigar, when this ignoramus committed a crime against my mild mannered nature by expelling his bodily fluids onto my foot. I had no choice, but to defend my honor.” The gorilla was brought as a last minute replacement for a Cambodian sex act. It was a new, revolutionary act that has fortunately proven to be rather unpredictable. As it turns out, gorillas are rather unpredictable, a fact that nobody managed to predict. Fortunately, an alternative DJ was available and the dance was able to proceed as planned. The new motivator and leader of the dance was the infamous MC shit my pants frequently. Luckily for him though, his excretion of ordure was confined to his pants and did not touch the gorilla. GIMB leadership has so far refused to give much feedback about the accident. They did however reassure us, that next time there is going to be no gorilla as chimpanzees are far more predictable.
There is a reason why I have been voted most popular janitor of this year. The teachers may teach you what 2+2 equals, but only I, the master Dwarf, can teach you the supreme Snail language needed in the caves of justice. How else would you be able to communicate with the Crematorium Snail, who determines your future adventures? You know, I have a little window in my storage room with the most amazing view of the girl’s toilet. You can’t imagine how many hours have passed by with me looking at you guys being so grown up – kissing, fighting and smoking. I regret I didn’t have the chance to get to know you better. But you must understand that as a janitor one is always in a hurry. You rush all over the place – from spilled milk to a broken interactive board. And as I run from the cellar to the third floor with a broom in one hand and a bucket of sponges in the other, I pass you guys without even giving you a sincere hug. Well, maybe I can do some of that tonight. All and all, not bad, not bad at all.
3 • The Be!igrad Sheet • May 2010
• The Be!igrad Sheet • M ay 2010
By His grace and by the power entrusted to me and two of my fellow reporters, a visit to our Lord’s school Be!igrad was made possible in the vision of His greater plan. It was not luck nor was it pity that drove the High council of Arch-Examiners to decide about three humble reporters, His peasants and sheep, to perceive with their humble eyes the magnificence of His Lordship’s examination of the lustful youth, still eager for their mothers’ breasts, encouraged to do their best and receive the mark of His approval.
Every single person prepares differently for the final exams, but the editors of Sheet decided to join together the best from the noblest Slovenian guilds and came up with a list of 'things-to-do-before-thefinal-exams-if-you-want-to-pass'. All rituals have proved to be helpful with a chance of an injured party, most likely you. Nonetheless, they say 'The nastier, the better!'.
As I approached the gardens of Be!igrad, two men I saw. The two were taking a stroll, glorified, basking in the beauty of His work. By my Lord’s light I could see both of them were my helpers in this task. Exchanging pleasantries is no hard task for those who are chosen by the will of our Protector and Lord. The three of us, humbly stepped forward to the entrance of Be!igrad, eager to see what visions and horrors those doors, locked by His will in every situation. Two guards were standing in front of the old door, marked by antique scars. The guards, dressed by the will of the Arch-Examiners in Swiss Guard fashion, stood there soulless. Only the faith I had in His will was enough for me to stay still and wait for what could happen. It was near the end of the first morning that we heard the first locks of the mighty door being opened. Three locks we heard before the door began to show the figure of the old man, our guide. The taller of my fellows first spoke a word to the master: “Who are you? What is your name, master?”
• • • •
Kill a pig, make a whip from his skin and you are ready for a romantic night at home with your friend flagellation! Fast for 40 days on grasshoppers and dry grass! Wear a hair shirt for a week! It should be made out of Nobel prize winner's pubic hair, if he still has some. Nail yourself to a cross in front of your school and pray Poker faces! If you pray loud enough, people will help you come down from the cross. Probably to shut you up with force, but that is quite irrelevant. Set on fire all school books and snort the ashes of the interactive blackboards! Side effect: addiction to snorting ashes. Side effect to side effect: all property soon loses its former application and becomes a 'burn-it-sniff-it' drug. Catch a monkey (No, we are not talking about your little brother.) and do that thing that Hannibal does with human brains! That old fool had no idea that monkey's brains are the answer to everything. Visit a nun and object yourself to the discipline of her ruler! Naughty, isn't it?
“No man am I, though what you see here was once a man. I was here before the coming of the exams; foolishly I did not accept their rule when time had came. If you truly wish to enter this domain, you must first pass through the halls of punishment and the rooms of despair. For not every man, nor lady, may pass the Lord’s exam.” Then he moved and close behind we followed.
Continued on page 4.
4 • The Be!igrad Sheet • May 2010
• The Be!igrad Sheet • M ay 2010
Do Universities Exist?
Are universities real, or is their alleged existence merely a ploy to provide naïve high school students with a sense of meaning, and prevent them from being consumed by fear and apathy? If they do exist, where on Earth are they? We are all familiar with the traditional story our educational system preaches. Be good, study hard, get good grades… these are the prerequisites to getting into a good university. If you don't, you will also die old, homeless, jobless and lonely. In a ditch. Finished off by a band of mangy dogs. While a lot of the debate consists just of people's personal opinions, there are also facts that dispute the existence of universities. • there is no evidence as to the existence of university campuses, neither anecdotally nor on satellite images • there is no definitive proof that anyone going away to university has ever returned • alleged photos of universities are consistently shown to be fake So-called “university representatives” never provide any additional or definitive information, but merely say that doubts are not helpful, since we all should strive to live a life that would guarantee acceptance to university. All the evidence points to universities not existing at all, and anyone investigating the matter can see that we've been quite obviously conned into an irrational belief. However, even if it's highly improbable that universities exist, even if there's a 99.9% certainty that they don't… there is still that 0.1% to take into account. So, in fact, it is better to study and behave as though universities really do exist, just in case.
Information About Matura Grading Continued from page 1.
Every page of a paper has to include exactly a number of words equal to a multiple of 13. The words that result to be an odd number will be cut out of the exam and the 59th word will be inserted into the special computer program to control traces of plagiarism. All the papers that don't result to be of plagiarist nature will be piled and transported to the special grading department in the Ljubljana zoo, where a group of trained primates will assess the papers according to the instructions, which include also the throwing of feces at the papers. The amount of feces and the stage of filth are than examined and sent to the offshore examiners in the Q'tupu islands. There, every paper is checked by a group of blonde virgins, born on the third moon of the Chinese New Year.
monastery of Chateau-Immbecilleaux. The papers are distributed among the monks, who will select parts of the papers to be inserted in bottles of the monastery beer along with special hops, barley and urine. It is then up to the school's taste examiner to determine the grade of the year's papers. All of the following examples are graded according to the previously mentioned requirements. An innovative method has been found to assess creativity in math exams: the student has to adapt a unique style of writing equations, as the following signs for numbers and operators are not accepted anymore: + (plus), = (equals to), $ (square root), % (smiley face) and 2 (two). Foreign languages: these papers will be assessed exclusively by native speakers of a certain country. Some examples are: French – a group of inhabitants of a Clinique psychiatrique with the Napoleon syndrome; German – Nazi refugees in South America; Italian – the political group “Meeting of Associates For Internal Arrangements” (the M.A.F.I.A); Spanish – the Mexican champion wrestling team, the Luchadores. History: there is nothing special or new in the grading of the history papers, but the examiners, a group of Communist revisionist that believe in the spirit of the greater leader Stalin. Biology and Physics: these papers will be sent to the Vatican, where a group of priests will assess them according to the Pre-Roman Catholic dogmas. After this examination and correction, the papers will be sent in the laboratories of CERN, where a group of scientists will correct the Vatican’s corrections with scientific proofs. The cycle will repeat until the Vatican Church and CERN agree on a certain matter. This process will take a while. Geography: the examination consists on the durability and survivability of the papers which will be sent to each and every environment on our planet to test their global knowledge of the environment. Philosophy: the philosophy paper will be sent to a group of Existentialists, which will firstly doubt of the existence and the purpose of the paper. A group of Pythagoreans will then assess the paper doubting its connection to the mathematical world. Nihilists will also examine the paper and express their reluctance to its existence. After passing these examinations, the papers will be used to light and produce cigars for further discussions. It is up to the school’s cigar taster to determine the last part of the grade. Psychology: the paper will be used as “What do you see in this picture” pictures for patients with maniacal, suicidal, homicidal, uxoricidal, fratricidal, patricidal mental disorders. The team of the Be!igrad sheet reporters wishes you success in your Matura exam.
After the offshore examination, the papers are sent to the next part of the examination in the French
%&! • The Be!igrad Sheet5 •• The M ayBe!igrad 2010 Sheet • May 2010 !
Continued from page 4.
First we passed through a door, made of ancient stone, on which bloody letters were carved: ABANDON EVERY HOPE, YOU WHO ENTER. Rough was the passing through the threshold for the four of us, as we entered a place where light was forbidden. The light of our prayers alone drove us to follow the old guide in the halls of instruction. Screaming and shouting was absorbing our hope and the curses of the damned were lacerating the very skin of our pure souls. First we passed the room of the liars; chained were their hands to the ground, while their foreheads were eternally being chewed by one of the heads of the mighty dog Cerberus. Second was the room of the cheaters, whose bodies were tormented by unending illness. If the crime of cheating was harder than usual, the sinner was slowly transformed into a vile snake, condemned to crawl around the rotting bodies of his fellow sinners. Third and most gruesome was the fate of the partial knowers; a land of fiery desert was their path to follow, while a rain of fire was pouring on them. As the guide took us through the halls, we have seen a whole in the ground from which darkness was rising and even more howling screams to hurt our ears. “Watch your step”, was our master’s advice in this time of grieving for those poor souls, who never saw the light of His Lordship’s forgiveness. As the darkness finally began to seem familiar, a ray of light shone upon our master’s nose, greedily gasping for the blood-soaked and tormented air. It was finally the light of the examining hall. Finally our eyes were feeling our Lord’s power and beauty. Three were the steps before this door, in front of which an examiner with the forms of an angel was standing, wielding a flaming sword in his hand. The sword had the divine purpose of the Holy marking. Whoever would be brave and faithful to our Lord enough to step before the doors of the exam rooms, he would receive a Holy mark in the form of mortal letters on his forehead according to what trial he had the courage and faith to attend. With no facial expression did the examiner respond, when he was opening the door to the examining halls. Silence we didn’t find here. Crackling sounds of pencils, the windy sound of scribbling. Our master led us to five of the regular exam rooms and to one classroom that was marked by Holy engravings, populated by those who are inclined to fail to His judgment. The five classrooms were seemingly identical, if not for the diversity of the students’ sinful clothing. Two guards at each door were controlling the peace of the exam day, as was His command during the first day of the first Examination. Three of the chosen believers were present to keep the order and to punish those who deserve punishment in case of the nullification of the Divine laws about cheating of His Word, established by the High Council of ArchExaminers, during the days of the first Examination.
The sight of the marked classroom was horrifying and glorious at the same time, following the rules our Lord has set in such places of His domain. On a throne, to which seven stairs were leading, sat one of the magnificent and honorable Arch-Examiners, dressed in the clothing of His colors that cannot be described in word. In his hands were the tools of judgment: the chalice of St. Matroficus, which was emptied only once and is, since then, full with the ink of the Holy examiner’s book, and the Antomyphorsican staff, used by the first High Arch-Examiner to banish old, vicious stray dogs from the garden of the First Council. In front of him, the stand of a book was holding the just holiness of the last copy of the Holy Book of the Examiners, a transcript from the might of His voice itself.
Torture Chamber Polisher Add some extra shine to your dungeon! Call our toll-free number, 0-800-TORTURE, or visit us online at:
www.P roT orture.com
No Sign of Missing Underwear Continued from cover.
Curiously, it turns out that the number of used condoms present in the room equaled the number of pair of underwear that went missing. The head of the investigation told us that, according to his instinct, this is not a coincidence. When the graduates finally began recovering from the Maturantski ples they were individually asked if they had seen anyone stealing a large number of their underwear. Apparently, the students could not recollect a thing. Apparently they had been intoxicated and robbed without noticing, to which the head policeman said it must have been the underwear-condom bandit, which the police claim to have encountered before. Furthermore, 3000 of the students could recall loud and rhythmical wailing very close to them. After putting the pieces of information together, the police claim that the underwear-condom bandit preformed the robbery with an army of cattle, which would explain the wailing and the milk that one of the policemen found inside the condoms. Making this mysterious discovery, the police called in support, which came on horseback, carrying large boxes of unused condoms, which will be compared to the ones found at the site of the Maturantski ples. Although the cunning police have been able to identify clues, the truth of what happened on the night of the Maturantski ples is yet to be revealed.
%'! • The Be!igrad Sheet6 •• The M ayBe!igrad 2010 Sheet • May 2010 !
Entire Class Fails Illiteracy Examination
For the first time in history, an entire class at GIMB failed the Slovene examination by demonstrating literacy. Inexplicably every student in the class could read and write, even showing traces of original thought on their test papers.
More on page 13.
Microcephalic Voted Prom King!
Phrenology professor, Luka Glavonja, has selected Janez (Zippy) Novak as 2010 Prom King. According to Glavonja, Novok’s skull shows all the noblest bumps and dents of the great kings of Karantanija.
Continued on page 23.
Convincing Arguments for the Existence of Universities
Has your faith in the existence of universities been shaken by newfound doubts? Are you thinking, “I WANT TO BELIEVE,” yet battling internal demons which whisper that you should listen to reason and let go of this childish belief with no grounds in reality? Fear no more! We have compiled a comprehensive list of rational arguments that will surely convince you that universities are real. 1. TRANSCENDENTAL ARGUMENT (1) If reason exists then Universities exist. (2) Reason exists. (3) Therefore, Universities exist. 2. ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (1) I define Universities to be X. (2) Since I can conceive of X, X must exist. (3) Therefore, Universities exists. 3. MODAL ONTOLOGICAL ARGUMENT (1) Universities are either necessary or unnecessary. (2) Universites are not unnecessary, therefore Universities must exist. (3) Therefore, Universities exist. 4. ARGUMENT FROM DESIGN (1) Check out that watch/plane/computer. Isn't it complex? (2) Only a University graduate could have made it so complex. (3) Therefore, Universities exists. 5. ARGUMENT FROM FEAR (1) If there are no Universities then we're all going to be uneducated after high school, get horrible jobs and die lonely. (2) I am afraid of that. (3) Therefore, Universities exist. 6. ARGUMENT FROM SHEER WILL (1) I DO believe in University! I DO believe in University! I do I do I DO believe in University! (2) Therefore, Universities exist.
7. ARGUMENT FROM BELIEF (1) If Universities exist, I should believe in them. (2) I believe in Universities. (3) Therefore, Universities exist. 8. ARGUMENT FROM INTIMIDATION (1) See this torturing equipment? (2) Therefore, Universities exist. 9. PARENTAL ARGUMENT (1) Mommy and daddy told me that Universities exist. (2) Therefore, Universities exist. 10. ARGUMENT FROM NUMBERS (1) Millions of people believe in University. (2) They can't all be wrong, can they? (3) Therefore, Universities exist. 11. ARGUMENT FROM WRITTEN AUTHORITY (1) There is a newspaper that successfully argues the existence of University. (2) Here is the name of it. (3) Therefore, Universities exist. 12. ARGUMENT FROM COLLEGE-PREP SUMMER PROGRAMS (1) Telling Universities exist makes me filthy rich. (2) Therefore, Universities exist. 13. ARGUMENT FROM FALLIBILITY (1) Human reasoning is inherently flawed. (2) Therefore, there is no reasonable way to challenge a proposition. (3) I propose that Universities exist. (4) Therefore, Universities exist. 14. ARGUMENT FROM MANIFESTATIONS (1) If you turn your head sideways and squint a little, you can see an image of a University diploma on that piece of toast. (2) Therefore, Universities exist. 15. ARGUMENT FROM POSSIBLE WORLDS (1) If things had been different, then things would be different. (2) That would be bad. (3) Therefore, Universities exist. 16. ARGUMENT FROM INEVITABILITY (1) I have proof that Universities exist. (2) I won't bother to tell you what it is because, being non-believers, you would be hostile to the conclusion anyway. (2) Therefore, Universities exist. 17. ARGUMENT FROM POST-HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE (1) Person X graduated high school without believing in University. (2) He now realized his mistake. (3) Therefore, Universities exist. 18. ARGUMENT FROM HIDDEN LOGIC (1) Non-believers say that University doesn't exist because they want to look cool in front of their peers. (2) But they don't fool me! (3) Therefore, Universities exist.
7 • The Be!igrad Sheet • May 2010
%(! • The Be!igrad Sheet • M ay 2010 !
378th Annual Dash for Maturantski Ples Buffet Results in Casualties
Ljubljana, April 2010 – 25 students were trampled to death in an attempt to reach the food buffet and 52 more hospitalized for stomachs burst from laughter. In an attempt to reach the food buffet during the Maturantski ples ceremony at Gospodarsko Razstavi#"e, Ljubljana police department reports.
With the last item on the list, the organizers of the event managed to evade last year’s occurrence of starvation due to sudden food disappearance. Unfortunately, the geek squad and their proud breeders ran amok upon seeing such a feast in front of their eyes.
Just like all the years before, a new Slovenian elite was formed on that fateful night. As the horrid dresses were bought, cases of hairspray intoxication treated, tie suffocations prevented and the parents’ excitement (for finally having an outing where they could show off the new dress/suit they bought in the 80’s) was under control, the feasting could begin. Unfortunately, this year, the guests were tortured with the entertaining program for even longer than ever before, resulting in the students getting even more hammered than ever before and perceiving everything as much more amusing than it actually was. This resulted in a hilarious food fight (that was otherwise accompanied by polite remarks) for the food that proved to be a complete opposite of the bland gunk the students were used to. Provided by an innovative, avant-garde caterer (that is rumored to be the former supplier of fodder for the Ljubljana Zoo), the guests were lured into obesity by:
Maturantski Ples Buffet Menu •
A lion’s head in Safari sauce, sautéed together with magic Portuguese mushrooms;
Giraffe tongues with freshman urine dressing, sprinkled with fried cockroach legs;
The best of African ostriches, sacrificed to the honor of the 3rd floor Ostrich King, served in a broth of their own eggs and eye whites;
For the vegetarian elite: The greenest grass from the plains of Ireland, seasoned in the gastric juice from a tribe bull’s stomach;
The vegan option: Finest, driest Gorenjska hay;
Partially dissected worms from the Biology department, fried in a certain teacher’s generous donation of hair grease;
School goldfish caviar;
The tastiest of Chemistry lab assistants’ slightly toxic brains, seasoned in pure-breed German shepherd blood;
4-storey cake as a symbol of our great establishment, made from genuine building materials and sprinkled with asbestos of the highest quality;
Lines of Flour™ on a rococo-style carved mirror, so the most beautiful of Slovenia’s elite did not feel aesthetically deprived;
2010 EXTRA! A very special buffet table for a very special teacher.
The area around the buffet tables quickly became jam-packed, disabling anyone to move anywhere but towards the food. Many were unable to escape or get enough air and so happily collapsed beneath the smelly armpits of their beloved foodcovered schoolmates. Or even better, on the buffet itself. Upon closer inspection, it became clearly evident why this was so; the lucky bastards who did, in fact, manage to get to the food, did not want to move and started gorging right away, smudging their 100% acrylic silk with the substances no industrial washing liquid or mother’s tears will wash out.
‘’I am devastated. Not only is my daughter dead, but my confidence in my clothes-washing abilities has been forever destroyed because of this year’s Maturantski ples,’’ a mother cried after the ceremony. The same reaction was induced in many others, creating yet another chaotic situation on an already very eventful night. As the crowd eventually spread with loud grunts of disappointment because of the party’s abrupt ending and the paramedics were finally let in by the always-dutiful Amoeba security guard, the total amount of beautifullysmelling cadavers could be calculated by the Math class students. The school headmaster has yet to make a statement, but a certain smiling teacher told us: ‘’I am very pleased with this year’s organization. For once, there is enough food for me. I was left starving for minutes all the years prior to this!’’ We all pray for the souls that were lost in this terrible accident and ask any readers who might know it, to send us the number of the caterer for this year’s Maturantski ples.
• The %#! • The Be!igrad Sheet8 • M ayBe!igrad 2010 Sheet • May 2010 !
Student Study Session Banned From YouTube
A video showing the group study practices of three Be!igrad students was banned from YouTube on account of graphic sexual violence. The three students, Mandrijana K., Ortol B., and Borana L. W., got perfect scores on all of their Matura examinations.
Full story on page 17.
Missing Ostriches Discovered!
The remains of 25 missing ostriches, stolen from a farm near Kranj, have been discovered in several garbage bags in the vicinity of Gospodarsko razstavisce. Police forensics revealed signs that the bones had been gnawed clean by hundreds of people.
More on page 14.
Poetry Class Graduation Limericks Academic Molasses The Big Man with glasses harasses God’s incomplete little asses The little blue balls As the PMS stalls Distinct academic molasses
Janitor’s Slash Determined Lap Dancers
The hundred years old tradition of The Lap Dance was brought back to life by Gimnazija Be!igrad. It is one of the most distinguished rituals in Slovenia and highly esteemed abroad, therefore a detailed explanation of the happening was requested. At 12 o'clock on the night of Maturanski ples the parents and teachers gathered on the dance floor, each choosing their representative with the help of the crowd. Every single one of the teachers and parents had to show their underwear to the public fighting for the loudest screaming from the electorate. An elderly teacher won due to her 10th century-like undergarment and a daring (or maybe just exceptionally stupid) father triumphed his lack of underclothes. The two representatives stepped under the great balcony in the main hall of Gospodarsko razstavi#"e, waiting to be selected.The tradition requires the drunken janitor ascends to the balcony while The blue Danube echoes in the hall, and pissing copiously from the balcony. Whomsoever stands last wins his team the role of lap dancers. The janitor undoubtedly didn't disappoint us, because the losing party 'Sausage Daddy' needed paramedics to bring him back to consciousness. The US (Urine Specialists) measured 12,000 liters of stupefying yellow liquid descending the balcony. Unquestionably, the janitor of Gimnazija Be!igrad is an outstanding drunk. Hence, the parents sat on the plastic chairs on the dancing floor and teachers began the ceremonial lap dancing, while students sang Gaudeamus igitur . Combining the singing and dancing in one event was supposedly in attempt to shorten the Maturantski ples. This time it lasted only 6 hours and 5 minutes.
A librarian’s major regret Mishandling a lit cigarette What the handmaid would do With a hand made of glue In a headmaster’s office sextet
We can openly blame teachers' talent and zeal for the events that took place afterwards. The teachers and parents started to power drill the yippee bog with the dude piston. Women's screams like "Kiss me where it smells funny!" echoed in the hall for the rest of the night.
The liquid that covers a fraction Of security guard meat contraction The tension that dies And the pleasure will rise It’s sasquatch fellatio in action
In every aspect, the ceremony was a success and due to be revived next year.
World Blood Alcohol Record Set!
The Guinness Book of World Records record for blood alcohol in a living being was shattered on April 16th by GimB student Pehta Kekec. Pehta was pulled over by the police for suspicion of driving while intoxicated and blew a 5.0 on a breath test – 10 times the previously accepted lethal level; thus proving the unmatched qualities of Be!igrad students.
Continued on page 16. 9 • The Be!igrad Sheet • May 2010
%$! • The Be!igrad Sheet • M ay 2010 !
Some Missing Korean Exchange Students Found
12 missing Korean students on an exchange program with GimB were discovered chained to a wall in a dungeon beneath the school. Their kidnappers intended to force them to take their place in the math Matura examination with false IDs. The remaining 4 missing students, however, have not yet been located, according to the Korean ambassador, Kim Park. His secretary, Miss Chagchwi claims that he is extremely upset over the event as he spent the whole day muttering Korean proverbs, such as “Only the bad plowman quarrels with his oxen,” “Even a monk can't shave his own head” and “Never lend a Be!igrad student your wit, or you shall end up chained in a dungeon.” The incident has exacerbated our relations with the Democratic People's Republic of Korea while the investigation team is preoccupied with the case of missing underwear.
Pious Student Has Vision Pope Declares Miracle
St. Joseph of Cupertino, the patron saint of examinees, appeared in a vision in boys’ locker room in the school gymnasium. Witnessed by three young boys, who were changing at the time, the saint told them success comes through silence. This has been the last in a line of sightings revealed to have happened over the last century. As more and more sightings are coming to light, scientists argue that saint sightings might be an event more common than anybody has ever dared to imagine. The saint is said to have been very poor, as he was wearing nothing but a loincloth. The boys report being emotionally shaken from the revealing event and demands that the church pay them money for being St. Joseph’s messengers on Earth.
The question of who has chained the Korean students in the Bre!igrad dungeons remains unsolved. &tefka Ma"ek, a 4. J student, said: “I bet it was those 4.A geeks! I mean, who else would need Korean underpaid child workforce to pass the math Matura examinations?! And I cannot believe the Koreans would actually do it just to be able to attend the infamous Maturantski ples… It was so easy to lure them with the false promises of extra buffet tables and lap dancing… Oh, I mean, the 4. A must have done something like that. ” The 12 located students will return to their homeland in a hot air balloon as it is more environmentally friendly way to travel than by plane, since Slovenian Ministry of the Environment and Spatial Planning has decided to cut our emissions and set an example in the fight against global warming.
Read how this is connected to the missing English teacher case on page 14…
Mysterious Student Death Not Human Sacrifice
Police forensic expert, Svetlana K., announced on Tuesday that Be!igrad student, Jelka Hrast, had not been victim of ritual sacrifice to appease the Arch Matura Examiner. It turned out that Jelka had simply been killed and eaten by Be!igrad security guard, V. Bogataj, as a snack.
Exclusive details on page 15.
School officials report that plans are already in the making for a shrine, to honor the rare event. However, some parents are mounting a furious opposition, saying that nobody deserves to be additionally prioritized because a saint chose them. Mrs. Novak had this to say: “My son has been seeking his saint for his entire life. While I am glad for those boys, I feel they shouldn’t receive any special treatment, so as not to taint the sincere desire for meeting a saint, which my son exhibits. Being chosen by a saint is privilege enough.” Church officials are worried as to whether or not the sighting might spur a series of fake testimonials of saint sightings and are doing everything in their power to prevent such an occurrence.
10 • The Be!igrad Sheet • May 2010
'&! • The Be!igrad Sheet • M ay 2010 !
Professor of Sports Nutrition and Archeology, Mr. Boranjek, in his bacon suit – a surefire hit with the ladies… and the dogs!
Spice up your study session with one of our premium-quality whips! -
purple see-through portable pocket-sized chili flavor
Maturantski Ples Fashion Highlights
The Bertol twins wearing finest quality Japanese silk dyed with the blood of baby Eskimos. Russian exchange student Ilea Volkova, sporting an authentic wild fox cap.
4.C Student Natalija Prikraj#ek wearing a diamondencrusted live rat headpiece.
4.A student Nikolaj Brnivec showed up wearing the skin of Bill Clinton.
Professor of Paleolithic Architecture, Mrs. Andrejek, proudly displaying her chicken foot earrings.
Professor of High Fashion, Marie Lukova, wearing a coat of live kittens.
11 • The Be!igrad Sheet • May 2010
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Sample Matura Exam
Aries Your Matura results will emotionally affect your parents until they burn in hell and even then. Taurus The dwarf planet AX125 is in the line with your anus, so do not eat beans. Gemini Today you should pretend you have a twin and have sex twice with the same random stranger. Double-bag it! Cancer Guess what? You will get cancer and the crabs. Enjoy! Leo Your owners will take you to the vet and get you fixed! Virgo Your sign is totally inappropriate to your character. Skank! Libra Flip a coin, for Christ’s sake! Scorpio If you’re a woman you’re on the rag, if you’re a man you might as well be!
First section – multiple choice. Answer some personal questions: Sex? a) 0
Religion? a) Flying Spaghetti Monster c) Wiccan d) Google
e) 4+ b) Jedi e) Communist
How many feet are there in a stone? a) 10 b) 12 c) 14 d) 18 e) 108 Weight? a) Kate Moss d) fluffy
b) healthy e) DAMN!
Are you really a moron? a) yes b) no c) maybe d) I don’t know e) can you repeat the question? Will you fail this exam? a) yes b) of course c) certainly d) that is correct e) affirmative How many times per day do you think of unicorn rape memorabilia? a) many b) more c c) never d) what’s memorabilia? e) maybe What is the Arch Examiner? a) a Nazi b) Antichrist c) a Muslim d) vicious old women at Filof ax Second section – written work. W rite a 500 word essay on “would’a, should’a, could’a”.
Brazilian Giant Centipede Juice!
Sagittarius You’ll make some new friends who will run up your phone bill. And never call you back.
Better than a protein shake – natural, pure centipede protein! Now Removes Blood!
Capricorn You have a glorious future as a blueballed scapegoat. Aquarius Hey, waterboy! Bring me a drink! Ha, ha, ha! Pisces You’ll be sleeping with the fishes. In your new cement boots.
Unable to Read? Congratulations! You had a breeze passing the illiteracy exam. If you’re stuck with regaining your literacy skills, write to us at: P.O. Box 16 Second Floor Republic of Sealand Please enclose a sum of £320 with your request.
12 • The Bežigrad Sheet • May 2010
'(! • The Be!igrad Sheet • M ay 2010 !