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t e e w s n. o r i te us t Bi onf C

Natalie .T , Summer of 2012


Cry my Stress-Tears at Night I stress about things I don’t even know why I’m stressing about them. I stress about everyone. Not even myself. The hours I lose to boredom The minutes I lose to goofing off. My relationship: what am I doing? Is it worth it? Why am I saying these things? I worry about my self image. Can I pass today? Am I going to have another person barking Down my throat for being myself. Am I going to have to worry about getting harassed. I worry about my friends. Where they are and if they’re sober. And if they’re happy and safe. And if they know I care. I worry about my family. Like my mom Like if we’re ever going to be a family again. All this stress Drives me insane. Makes me act weird Makes me question my sanity, Makes me hug my pillow and cry my stress-tears at night, Drops of instant insanity That if they touched your forehead could burn a hole straight through. If I could, I’d throw it all up. Like one giant puke of stress-rainbow With a doom-prism of indescribable colors Laid to rest in the porcelain god’s tomb. Then I’d be free From this pain in my gut And this ache in my hands And this tear soaked pillow. I’d be able to think And not have to force a smile.


My Love I just want to blow it off the face of the world . It ruins people It kills people People kill for it! Nothing good can come from it. My whole childhood was ruined by it. All I can do is watch as it destroys my un-sober friends But it will never take my love. NO! You will never take him! I will not allow you! I know you’re close .you creep when I sleep, Filling his head with thoughts of escape From his pain. I will not allow it! You don’t tell him he’s beautiful every day You don't hold him when he cries for his mother YOU DON’T LOVE HIM! You will never know love! You will only ever know chaos, hate & destruction. So try me! I dare you! Because I will knock you down! I will destroy you! Because you are nothing but a filthy drug


Waiting for you Broken promises Words of love Fighting Grasping onto something that’s beautifully withering away like the wilted rose I hold in my coffin. I want to break out. I’m clawing, scratching kicking, screaming! To come back. There is six feet of terrible emotion I find myself digging through. I'm out nails red and raw face covered by a thin soot of the past. I clear my eyes and shiver from the cold, waiting for you to save me. For you to come and dust me off and greet me But you’re never going to come because we’re dead .


Tie-Dye and messiness. My hands are stained with color, Dry because I’ve had to wash them repeatedly like a chore. The colors distract me. Purple drips from my hands and bleeds on everything if I’m not cautious. Blue floats like a thick mist of emotion for you. Blue for me is dark and light depending on time of day. In the morning blue is shut out by closed curtains, At night blue is drained from the sky by a hungry sun. My arms are stained with colors, The colors of beads—green, blue and yellow And black and red and orange, All saying joy. I express myself through bright colors Instead of yesterday’s darkness. My heart is stained with colors. The colors of the rainbow. Orange standing for sexuality. I dream of coy fish swimming In a bayou of giant trailers on stilts And people racing by On makeshift lawnmowers and jet skies While the fish swam through, not caring. My brain is stained with colors. It’s like a stained glass window. of bright, resilient colors Outlined by a thick, black confusion. A jumbled mesh trying to make an image. My soul is stained with colors. Yellow and white like a small candle Trying to shine bright In too much wind I keep shining though, getting bigger, Making new colors, waxes of unimaginable colors a tie-dye mess drips from my soul spreading Colors.


Bitter-Sweet Confusion