Really Funny Facebook Status Updates Does liking a sad status update mean I’m sympathetic for them or I like that they are sad? Everyone has an annoying friend. If you don’t have one, it’s probably you. I get a sense of pride and achievement when my boss catches me actually doing work. I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here? Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. Nice food pictures people, please keep it to yourself unless you’re planning on taking me along. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. Phases of love. 1) xoxo. 2) xxx. 3) ex. We all have that one skinny friend that eats more than fat person. What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing they just waved. Did you sea what I did there? I’m shore you did, beach. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car”. When people are singing Happy Birthday to me, I have no idea where to look. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎ ןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying ‘boy was that fun. America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture. Can I take your picture?? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters.. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up. Death is life’s way of telling you that you’ve been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, “you can’t fire me, I Quit!” Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman? A lady does what she’s told and a woman does what she dam well pleases! Doctors finally figured out whats wrong with a boys brain; on the left side, there’s nothing right; and on the right side, there’s nothing left… Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes. Don`t you know it`s rude to talk while I`m interrupting? Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
Every rule has an exception, especially this one. Facebook is like a fridge. When you’re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there’s anything good in it FACEBOOK STORY: Add as friend – Approve -> Write something on wall -Intro – Everyday chatting – Ask number phone – Messaging – Calling – Meeting – Express love – Make relationship status – Hangout – Misunderstanding – Fight – Break up – Unfriend – Block !THE END Have you noticed that the “lol” symbol looks like a drowning guy? I bet hes not laughing out loud! History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. I always hated weddings because old people would come over and poke me saying “You’re next.”. They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals. I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, i mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreze. I am wondering if one can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars? I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives. I follow the quote, “Always be true to yourself” because I only lie to others! I have finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, “for extra volume and body.” I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing. I may be old enough to know better, but I am STILL young enough to DO IT.. I sometimes think that Facebook should change the status question from “What’s on your mind?” to “What’s your problem today?” I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos. I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.” I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in. I`m jealous of my parents, i`ll never have a kid as cool as theirs… I’d call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose. I’m a smart person, I just do stupid things. I’m not 40, I’m eighteen with 22 years experience… I’m not getting older, I’m just becoming a classic.. I’m thinkin about takin my own life, I might as well. Except they might not sell weed in hell :P If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you! If life gives you questions, Google gives you answers.
If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read.. If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down & kill it. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. I'll be back in five minutes. If I'm not, read this again :D It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Life’s a bitch, if it were easy it’d be a slut.I’d call you a tool, but even THEY serve a purpose. Marriage is like going to a restaurant and order your choice from the menu, And then look at neighbouring table n wish you”d ordered that. Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Money can’t buy happiness, but it pays for internet, which is pretty much the same thing. My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business. My mate changed his Facebook status to “suicidal, standing on the edge of a clifft” So i poked him… My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!! Phases of love. 1) xoxo. 2) xxx. 3) ex. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips. Some relationships are like tom and Jerry, they irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can’t live without each other.. That awkward moment when somebody is doing dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart. Thinks I feel great when I go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap. Obviously sleep is bad for you. Three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere: ‘Hold my purse. Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown URGENT WARNING! Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to kitchen, get aluminum foil, and wrap it around your head. Stay calm, and breathe through your left nostril ONLY. This is a serious problem and has been confirmed by a friend's cousin's girlfriend's neighbour's son's baby's mama and her pet chihuahua. wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Weird discovery of the day. If you type a word in Facebook (in a comment, status, etc.) that happens to be the same as your password, after you click "Share", Facebook automatically converts it to asterisks to protect your security. Allow me to demonstrate. My password is *******. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. When people are singing Happy Birthday to me, I have no idea where to look. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man….I could be eating a slow learner. Without ME, it’s just AWESO. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.