The Mottos book

Part 1 – The key mottos

1.

Understand what makes a relationship work

Understanding the mindset and behaviours behind a successful relationship is paramount. Many people dive into a relationship without understanding what will make their partnership go the distance. A successful relationship relies not just on passion and affection, but on understanding the key skills that make a relationship work. So what are these central principles?

Each partner in the relationship should play an equal role. There should be a balance in what the two parties contribute to the relationship in order to create a workable status quo. You do not have to contribute the same things; the key is to show that you are putting in as much as you would like to receive in terms of love, support

and communication. Problems can arise in a relationship when one person perceives that they are giving more than they are receiving.

Both partners should feel some level of control. Clearly defining shared goals as a couple and working out the necessary steps towards achieving these will influence the direction you are heading in. There is also some psychology behind this. Creating joint goals allows us to feel a greater sense of control, so that we feel more secure in a relationship.

Positivity is important in long-term relationships. People like to be around positive people, not someone negative who will bring them down. A shared sense of humour has been shown to improve resilience in relationships, as well as communication: people are more relaxed when they laugh and are able to express their true feelings and release any pent-up emotions (such as anger) in a more positive way, which is more likely to lead to greater levels of trust and intimacy. By having a positive attitude to a relationship and being relaxed, you are more likely to make your partner feel happy and loved, as positivity is contagious. Being positive will also help you to cope more easily with any stresses in a relationship.

What makes us want to stay with someone for the long term can be very different to what makes us start a relationship. Real love is based on friendship combined with attraction – shared backgrounds, value systems and relationship goals, along with similar moral codes and mutual understanding. People are extremely social creatures: we wish for someone we can communicate with and laugh with, someone who will support us.

2.

Kindness is key

The golden rule of treating others as you would like to be treated by them allows us to reap rewards in our relationships. Furthermore, by being kind to others we are inadvertently also helping ourselves: improving our mood, strengthening our selfrespect and confidence and making ourselves more attractive to others.

From an evolutionary perspective, the development and adoption of this rule makes sense. We are social animals, we live in groups, so reciprocity in caring behaviours, involving emotions such as empathy and compassion, to other members of our group is something that can only help our species to survive. Of course, to be motivated to effectively practise this behaviour requires us to have a healthy view of ourselves as equally deserving of receiving kindness from others.

Supporting this theoretical perspective is neuroscientific research that suggests our ability to treat others with kindness is actually hardwired into our brains. Dr Marco Iacobini1 found that our brains contain ‘mirror neurons’ that automatically fire when we observe the actions of others, prompting us to naturally empathise with them – in other words, to feel what they are feeling. These neurons only stop firing when we attribute a negative label to the other person that dampens our empathic response.

Kindness can also be learned through a process of conditioning. When we are kind to others we are rewarded by the release of a cocktail of neurochemicals, such as oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine. These are known to improve our mental and physical well-being. This improvement in our mood makes it more likely that we will repeat that behaviour.

So, why do we say that kindness can make us more attractive to others?

Research has found that kindness and warmth are the most desirable traits in any type of relationship, and are considered even more essential than physical attractiveness 1 Iacobini, M. (2009) ‘Imitation, empathy and mirror neurons.’ Annual Reviews in Psychology, 60, 653–70.

when selecting a romantic partner. Professor Arthur Aron,2 whose research interests including discovering determinants of successful long-term romantic relationships, states that being attractive ‘doesn’t help that much’, suggesting that people tend to fall in love more readily with kind people, and arguing that kindness from both parties is the strongest indicator of a successful long-term relationship.

Decades of research by the Gottman Institute, an organisation that helps couples to build and maintain healthy relationships, goes some way to explaining why these traits are important. This may seem obvious, but they found that, in order for relationships to flourish, both parties’ emotional needs have to be met, and that ‘interaction styles’ involving kindness and generosity (rather than contempt and disinterest) are preferred. Observing couples’ interaction styles has enabled psychologists at the Institute to predict, with a 94% accuracy rate, whether or not couples will remain together.

There are a number of ways that we can become kinder: 

We can practise forgiveness and tolerance towards others – as well as to ourselves – for things that have happened to us.

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We can give our time to others less fortunate than ourselves, perhaps through volunteering.

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We can demonstrate random acts of kindness, either to people we know or to strangers.

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We can express gratitude to people who have shown us kindness.

Being kind to others does not mean that you should be taken for granted, and it is vital to recognise that there are some individuals for whom no amount of kindness 2 Aron, A. (2005) Why do we fall in love? (10 May). At: http://health.howstuffworks.com/relationships/love/why-do-we-fall-in-love.htm.

will prompt them to similarly respond to you, respect you or even like you. Being kind doesn’t mean that you have to be a doormat. You can be kind and assertive; they are not mutually exclusive traits.

The important point to remember is that, by being kind, you are respecting yourself and can be proud of your behaviour. Also, you are increasing your own attractiveness by being both kind and positive.