Every programme that I was ever taught came up to haunt me. How could I leave my children? By this time my marriage had broken down and I was a lone parent. So long as I stayed in my old role I was loved but the changed me was not good enough. In the end it was a choice, I could remain the same as I had been as a human doing, damaging my health and crippling my children or I could go solo. Sometimes, we think we have a choice but when there is a knowing within you that there is no choice, there is only one way to go. I chose that way. I believed before that I must stay at home and do everything in my power to make my children happy. I had become Mom’s Taxi as I see on the stickers on the backs of many cars. We do so much for our children that there is no time to relax and allow inspiration in. I was not listening to them, seeing their talents. Focusing on their weakness but not seeing their strengths. This way of being was depriving my children of their ability to take responsibility for their happiness. It deprived them of a means to understand themselves and be co-creators of their lives. I also saw that I was not actually seeing them. I was seeing them through my filter of need. How could they learn to see themselves and their talents when their mother couldn’t see her own? That first trip to India opened doors for us all and I returned to Lonavla to facilitate retreats with Francis many times. I was the only western woman to teach awareness at Sadhana Institute. It was a huge privilege. Strolling down the road eating ice-cream cones, my youngest daughter said to me “Do you remember when I said to you, what is there to look forward to in life now. Am I going to live a life like yours where all you do is work. Well, now that you have gone to India, I am seeing that there is more to life”. I was stunned.
"THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED IS NOT AN EASY ONE, MOVING FROM THE KNOWN TO THE UNKNOWN, BUT IT IS WORTHWHILE"
I had experienced so much guilt going on that trip, yet I knew I had to go. I had to do something with my life. The life I had been living was seeing through the filter of my subconscious memories. My reactions to challenges and relationships brought these memories to the surface and they will continue to come until we pay attention to them. When I saw that my perception was limiting, not only my life but theirs, that I was passing on my: "please for peace sake; don’t rock the boat; stop boasting you only upset people; you won’t mind if I don’t give you a present, but I did mind if my birthday was forgotten." I had no voice and I was teaching them how to follow my path. They will have their own life challenges, that is evolution, but I was determined that if it were possible to delete the apps I had downloaded, so that they were no longer present in my life. I am continuing that journey. Rome wasn’t built in a day and you take it one step at a time. You begin finding a voice in areas you know you can manage and you work from there. I knew I could no longer blame another human being. Blame leaves you controlled. The question I ask myself now is “What am I going to do about this? Sometimes, I stand back as it is not my problem. By trying to solve the problems of the Universe you can easily be distracted from your own. The Road Less Travelled is not an easy one, moving from the known to the unknown but it is worthwhile. Our happiness is to be found in the ordinary, it is there where you will see what is limiting you today, I received a bouquet of flowers from my children. The note said “Happy Mother’s Day from your Internationally planted begottens. We love you lots and hope you have a wonderful day. They are surely Internationally planted, singing their songs and living their lives. My desire behind my doing was that they should have the ability to live their own individual lives, until my eyes were forced open through the pain I was not able to see, that I could never see them until I could see me. The World Will Only Change As We Change.
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