'REAL NEWS' INSIDE: EARTH MONTH PLANS • PAGE 8 | PORCUPINE OPENS FOR MEAT PUPPETS • PAGE 12
Pick The Ci’s Beﬆ balot | page 6
VOLUME 10, NO. 12
APRIL FOOL'S DAY, 2010
News in Brief
SATIRE THREAT ADVISORY:
Gilbert Brown can't finish Unk's Mess
Gilbert Brown, the 325-pound head coach of the La Crosse Spartans who noshed eponymous quadruple cheeseburgers during his career with the Green Bay Packers, could not finish Unk’s Mess, sources at Marge’s Restaurant reported Sunday. After hearing about a 7-pound skillet served at the Northside café, Brown reportedly “swaggered” into Marge’s at 11 a.m. on Sunday, determined to add his own Polaroid to Marge’s extensive Hall of Shame. “Let’s do this!” Brown reportedly said, before pantomiming his iconic “Gravedigger” with a fork. But after 15 minutes of furious gobbling, Brown’s pace slowed as the mountains of carbohydrates gathered in his digestive track. He continued picking at the Mess for another half-hour but ultimately threw in his napkin after coughing on a sausage link. He was last seen carrying approximately three pounds of the Mess home in a Styrofoam carton. “You La Crosse-ians,” Brown reportedly wheezed. “You’re going to make me dig an early grave.”
Nocturnal Pettibone visitor prevents river drowning Local resident Samuel Vetter alerted authorities of an intoxicated male wearing a backwards baseball cap and baby blue Tapout T-shirt stumbling close to the water's edge in Riverside Park about 3 a.m. Friday. According to police reports, Vetter noticed the the offender from across the river, where he had been loitering in the bushes of Pettibone Park. The sharp-eyed Vetter then alerted the authorities, who arrived to find a 20-year-old urinating off the levy in Riverside Park. "H-h-h-how did you find me," slurred the 20-year-old, whose name is being witheld due to arbitrary newspaper standards. Following the life-saving rescue, La Crosse Police Chief Edward Kondracki issued a press release praising Vetter's heroics. "Due to this local voyeur's selfless commitment to the public good, La Crosse is a much safer place today." Vetter was last seen hopping in a 1998 Toyota with flashing headlights. He has not come forward to claim his medal.
Severe risk of April Fools satire on Pages 1, 3 and 9
Angry moms say 'dam it' PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY JAKE GROTEUSCHEN
Walgreens has solved downtown's retail vacancy problem with its decision to open 35 stores in the area.
35 Walgreens to open in vacant downtown storefronts Citing an untapped market and an abundance of cheap commercial real estate, Walgreens announced plans to open 35 drug stores in downtown La Crosse. Business experts see the move as a direct challenge to Kwik Trip, which operates 71 stores in the immediate La Crosse area. When the new Walgreens open in September, the two convenience behemoths are expected to provide nutritional and hygienic sustenance to approximately 93 percent of La Crosse County. Bill Gladsky, director of business development for the Chicago-based Walgreens, called the 35-store expansion “synergistic enterprise.” With most of the new locations sitting vacant for the past five years, the publicly traded Wallgreens was able to secure the storefronts at bargain basement prices. While some experts considered the 35-store expansion to be excessive, Gladsky said the figure was in line with the company’s policy of “locally rooted hegemony.” “It is part of the Walgreens mission to provide moderate-cost life essentials to every man, woman and domesticated animal on Earth,” Gladsky said. “While some detrac-
tors may question our recent expansion into western Wisconsin, we like to think that they are just Wal-greens with envy. Hey, at least we’re not Walmart!” When asked why the company decided to locate 35 new stores within a half-mile radius, Gladsky said it was just meeting the demand of a market that currently lacks a pharmacy, grocery, optometrist, toy store, newspaper stand, soda jerk, office outlet, camera shop, pet store or reproductive clinic. It also lacks cable television, which is why the company also plans to introduce 35 Red Boxes for mass market DVD rentals. “Sure, some people may look at this expansion as overly ambitious, but we’re just keeping up with the realities of the market. With 30 million new Americans on the health insurance rolls, the profit possibilities are endless,” Gladsky said. In response to the recent expansion by its southern competitor, Kwik Trip officials are reportedly considering constructing new stores in highway medians, city parks and church basements. As of press time, no independent local pharmacists could be reached for comment.
Group offers concrete solution to drownings
Recently formed activist group Mothers Against the Mississippi is proposing a radical idea in the wake of yet another river death. Their proposal: dam the river. “Mothers Against the Mississippi has formed to let the citizens of La Crosse know that we have had enough!” said founder Gail Stromm during a rally Thursday at Riverside Park. “This river has caused too much heartbreak and damage to our fair city. It is far past time that it be removed. Damming the Mississippi is the only way to ensure that the tragedies that claim the lives of our young boys will not be repeated.” Stromm’s proposal calls for the creation of a concrete dam that will span the width of the river. The location has yet to be determined, but the most popular location is said to be at the north ends of Riverside and Pettibone parks. A more radical plan is also making the rounds, which advocates the filling of Lake Itasca, the beginning point of the Mississippi, with concrete. These plans are not without their detractors, some of whom showed up at Thursday’s gathering. Fishermen and conservationists derided the plan’s ecological effects, while the more economically minded viewed the dam’s cost as outweighing its benefits. All opponents of the proposal were agreed on one point, however: Damming the Mississippi River would flood America. Stromm was not discouraged. “We must destroy the Mississippi River,” she shouted over a chorus of cheers and boos, “for our children!”
PLUS: SOCIAL NETWORKING • PAGE 2 | STATE POLITICAL REPORT • PAGE 4 | THE ADVICE GODDESS • PAGE 15
2// April 1, 2010
CELEBRITY CRUSH: Keira Knightley FIRST CONCERT YOU WENT TO: Hoobastank … lol, I know.
Second Supper 614 Main St., La Crosse, WI 54601 Phone: (608) 782-7001 Online: secondsupper.com Publisher: Roger Bartel firstname.lastname@example.org Editor in Chief: Adam Bissen email@example.com Student Editor: Emily Faeth firstname.lastname@example.org Sales: Mike Keith email@example.com Sales: Jenaveve Bell firstname.lastname@example.org Sales: Ansel Ericksen email@example.com Regular Contributors: Amy Alkon, Jacob Bielanski, Erich Boldt, Nick Cabreza, Mary Catanese, Brett Emerson, Jake Groteuschen, Shuggypop Jackson, Matt Jones, Stephanie Schultz, Anna Soldner Second Supper is a weekly alternative newspaper published by Bartanese Enterprises LLC, 614 Main St., La Crosse, WI 54601
WHAT IS YOUR BEVERAGE OF CHOICE? Sprecher Light WHAT BOOK ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? "The Art of Seduction and Jesus without Religion" NAME AND AGE: Sam Gavic, 20 ... almost 21 WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Green Bay
TELL US YOUR GUILTIEST PLEASURE: I BLAST Josh Groban’s “You lift me up” to get a good cry out. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? When people say "Just kidding" or "jk" when clearly they were kidding.
CURRENT JOB: Student/artist
TELL US A JOKE: Nickleback wins a Grammy.
DREAM JOB: Stay-at-home dad
WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Cinnamon carnival donuts
LAST THING YOU GOOGLED: “Do pigeons have ears?” IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, WHERE WOULD IT BE? Gjøvik, Norway WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE? Get a bear hug from a real bear! IF A GENIE GRANTED YOU ONE WISH, WHAT WOULD YOU ASK FOR? Wish all my friends and family live happy and healthy lives.
WHAT'S IN YOUR POCKET RIGHT NOW?: $5, part of a rosary, cell phone and a receipt from Subway. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF SECOND SUPPER? The movie and book reviews. HOW DO YOU KNOW ALEX (LAST WEEK'S INTERVIEW)? It went back to the days when we were kidspracticing karate and writing sand script under Old Mr. Nicker's bridge. — Shuggypop Jackson, firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Reader: This is the space where I normally talk about myself. In previous issues I’ve waxed poetic about my mustaches, vacations, political inclinations and preferred way to cook eggs. It’s not my fault. I was born at the tail end of the “Me Generation,” and since this is my space, I figured I should write about what I know best. But hey, I’m not the only one. Facebook is a veritable temple to the ego, and 21st century media know no detail so personal it cannot be broadcast to everyone. But then, one foggy morning while Twittering on my iPhone, I came across a tinyurl that would change my life forever. It was “The Unknown Teachings of Lao Tzu.” I clicked on verse 46 (my favorite number) and had my worldview rocked from its foundation. “The Tao gives birth to One./One gives birth to yin and yang./Yin and yang give birth to all things./Now forget this.” @GlobalConsciousness! I realized that my entire concept of the self was an illusion. There is no “I.” There are no “yous.” We are all engaged in an eternal struggle of perception, one where musings of an illusory ego only serve to prolong our suffering. The solution, then, is not to think of an “I.” That bondage-inducing pronoun will no longerappear in the pages of Second Supper. Instead, we will be a news force dedicated to the eternal One-ness of the universe. Never again will you have to read my facile opinions. This is a space for all humanity. Sha right! April Fools!
— Adam Bissen
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Things To Do End Human Rights Awareness Week on high note
Things to look forward to this April 1. Lady Gaga at Hollywood Theatre, April 24 2. Daylight Savings Time recall, April 8 3. "Lost" season finale, April 16 4. Parking ticket clemency day, April 5 5. New 2Pac CD, April 11 6. Lawn darts tournament, April 19 7. "Shrek 5" in theatres, April 30
Days of the week 1. Thursday 2. Saturday 3. Friday
April 1, 2010 // 3
FIRST THINGS FIRST
There's still one day left of Human Rights Awareness Week at UW-La Crosse. The weeklong event culminates Thursday in a “Power With Your Bike” workshop, which will provide instructions on how to generate electricity with an exercise bike; a lecture by speaker Patrick Vickers on natural remedies; and a bicyclepowered concert featuring Shoeless Revolution at the Concordia Ballroom. Tickets are $4 and can be purchased at event tables throughout campus, or at the door. Also, an “Everything You Don't Want” drive will be taking place at all events and event tables, and people are encouraged to donate everything from clothing to household items to non-perishable food items. Human Rights Awareness week is sponsored by the Progressives, the Environmental Council, Women's Studies Student Association, Rainbow Unity, College Democrats and others.
Enjoy the smooth jazz of Nat's little brother
Freddy Cole, brother of the late Nat King Cole, will perform at 7 p.m. Tuesday, April 6, at Valhalla Hall in the Cartwright Center on the UW-La Crosse campus, 1741 State St. Over the years, Cole, 78, has emerged from the shadow of his legendary brother and has established his own reputation as a top jazz performer. The New York Times calls him "the most maturely expressive male jazz singer of his generation, if not the best alive." He plays piano and sings and performs live with guitar and upright bass. Tickets are $2 for UW-L students; $10 for the general public. Tickets are available from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Monday through Friday at the Cartwright Center Information Center. They also can be purchased over the phone at (608) 785-8898.
Help build an orphanage in Haiti
A Help for Haiti benefit concert will be held from 7:30 to 9 p.m. Saturday, April 3, at La Crescent High School. Proceeds will go toward efforts to build an orphanage in Les Cayes, Haiti for children who have been newly orphaned and/or handicapped by the earthquake that killed thousands in January. The event features a variety of singers, dancers, musicians and other performers, including the award-winning performance company from Misty's Dance Unlimited. Tickets are $10 and go on sale at 6:30 p.m. There also will be a brat sale. For information, contact Charis Windschill at email@example.com.
Learn what can be done with greens, eggs and cheese
Chefs from area restaurants will compete to prepare the "best locally grown meal" at the Greens, Eggs and Cheese Gala on Monday, April 5, at Myrick Hixon EcoPark. For $20, attendees can vote for their favorite signature main dish and salad prepared by the chefs. The price also includes wine, coffee and carrot cake. The event is from 5 to 8 p.m. For more information, call (608) 784-0303, ext. 221.
Try the Jaycees' finger lickin' good chicken
If your signs of spring include chicken barbecues, the season is upon us. The La Crosse Jaycees will hold its annual Chicken Q, catered by Pogy’s, from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. Thursday, April 8, at the VFW hall, 6th and Market streets, La Crosse. Chicken dinners are $7 and include ½ chicken, beans, potato salad, roll and butter. Proceeds benefit the Jaycees' civic projects such as Toys for Tots, Neighbors Day, Punt, Pass, and Kick, MDA Shamrocks, and Walkin’ for Wishes. Orders may be placed in advance by calling Alicia at (608) 385-6895 or Sara at (608) 799-4193. Delivery is available.
4// April 1, 2010
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RISING Tom Petri The Fond du Lac Republican has spent the past 25 years fighting to overhaul student loans. And he finally sees that work come to fruition — even if he ended up voting against the reforms after they were mixed in with health care reform. Dems added the package to the health care reconciliation bill in part because they could only move one reconciliation package through the Senate until a new budget resolution passes. If the changes hadn’t been included, they would have had to wait until later this year to take up the package. The measure ends federal subsidies of student loans from private lenders; backers predict it will save the government billions, though some conservatives complain it’s another government takeover.
Diploma privilege The provision allowing graduates of Wisconsin’s law schools to practice law without taking the bar exam is safe for now. The state reaches a settlement in a lawsuit filed more than three years ago to challenge the diploma privilege, which is unique in the nation. While still an out-of-state law student, Waukesha lawyer Christopher Wiesmueller filed suit seeking to overturn the privilege, and it was eventually granted federal classaction status. It was dismissed twice, though Wiesmueller twice won appeals before the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals, but it was dealt a blow last year when it was decertified as a class-action suit. That left just Wiesmueller and his wife, also a graduate of an outof-state law school, as plaintiffs. Wiesmueller said he was getting tired of the case. His wife was the only remaining plaintiff, but she's scheduled to take the exam in July, meaning someone else would have to take up the cause. The state agrees to pay $7,500 to settle the suit in a settlement that also prohibits the Wiesmuellers from ever again challenging bar admission policies or participating in anyone else’s challenge. Opponents can now pin their hopes on a petition filed with the state Supreme Court asking the justices to either make Marquette and Wisconsin law grads take the exam or abolish it for any graduate of an accredited law school. The court has taken no action on the request.
Employment The state's seasonally adjusted unemployment rate remained steady in February at 8.7 percent, under the national average of 9.7 percent. And new figures from the Department of Workforce Development show the state added 4,800 jobs last month, the first such January-to-February increase since 2006. The labor department says the largest gains were in construction, manufacturing, and administrative and support services. DWD Roberta Gassman says the gains show Wisconsin "moving toward recovery out of the worst national economic downturn since the Great Depression."
MIXED Mark Neumann
For the first time in the campaign, the former congressman and Nashotah homebuilder outperformed Scott Walker in a poll when matched up with Dem Tom Barrett. But some insiders aren’t putting much stock in the poll numbers and question if that matters much considering the deficit he has to make up among GOP primary voters. The survey from the Dem-affiliated Public Policy Polling found Neumann up on Barrett 43-38, while Walker edged him 42-39. Some dismiss the difference as statistically insignificant. But Neumann’s backers trumpet the results as a sign of his momentum. Neumann got up on TV before Walker and has been on the air for more than a month now. Neumann has never been a favorite of insiders, but some say his strategy may be helping to move numbers. Walker backers scoff, saying the two may be tied outstate, but Walker is so far ahead among Republicans in southeastern Wisconsin that Neumann will likely never bridge that gap in the GOP primary. Still, few expect Neumann to go away
J.B. Van Hollen
Republicans banged the drum loudly for the GOP AG to join the various state lawsuits filed against the health care overhaul, and Van Hollen scores some points with the base by seeking approval to do just that. But some say his fellow Republicans may have put Van Hollen in a bit of a difficult situation considering he can’t do anything without the permission of Gov. Jim Doyle or the Dem-controlled Legislature. That caveat may be lost on the public, who may start to wonder why Wisconsin isn’t joining the national suits, some say. It also gives Dems another opportunity to bash Van Hollen as partisan and opportunistic. One Dem suggests Van Hollen made a big show of asking permission to appease his conservative base, but may end up alienating the middle in the process.
The liberal lion says his 40-year advocacy for health care reform culminated with the bills that make it out of the House, and he oversees the first roll call on the legislation. But Republicans see the bill as one more avenue to take him down this fall. They say putting Obey in the chair for the debate is an image that can be used against him, just like video of him kissing Nancy Pelosi on the cheek and holding her hand as House Dems marched to the Capitol for the health care vote. Obey could be the 2010 version of Tom Foley in 1994, one Republican declares, saying the stimulus, health care and bailouts could be the perfect storm that persuade voters Obey has to go. Dems acknowledge leading Republican challenger Sean Duffy isn’t to be taken lightly. But they say Republicans have talked themselves into believing Obey is more vulnerable than he really is and expect his po-
litical machine — the best of any Wisconsin member, one Dem says — to carry him.
Insiders have long suspected Dems would vastly change the “Clean Energy Jobs Act” before voting on it, and the signals confirm that. But skeptics wonder whether the changes will be enough to assure legislative passage. Sen. Mark Miller, who co-chairs the Senate committee working on the bill with Sen. Jeff Plale, said an agreement has been reached on key areas of the legislation, including low carbon fuel standards, California car emission standards and mandatory renewable energy tariffs. With Dems already skittish about the tax hikes they’ve approved this session, some have no desire to do anything else that could be seen as driving up costs for state residents. Plus, the path to victory is still cloudy with the session winding down.
FALLING Corporate money ban
Many believed a Supreme Court decision from earlier this year rendered the state’s ban on corporate spending on elections unconstitutional, and state regulators decide to drop the century-old ban. The 1905 law banned corporations from spending money out of their treasuries on campaign contributions, campaign ads or other expenditures on a candidate’s behalf. But the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in January that a similar federal law violated the First Amendment, though it also upheld requiring corporations to disclose their activities. Government Accountability Board staff warned that trying to enforce the state law following the federal court decision could invite costly lawsuits. Instead, the GAB is asking corporations to voluntarily report their activities as it works on an emergency rule it hopes to have ready for its May meeting that would require corporations to disclose political spending.
African-American reading scores
Wisconsin has long been home to one of the worst racial gaps on standardized testing in the country. Now it’s also got the worst reading scores among AfricanAmerican fourth-graders, according to a new government report. Only 9 percent of African-American fourth-graders were considered proficient on the National Assessment of Education Progress. Overall, the state’s fourth-graders are losing ground on reading scores as well. In 1994, the state’s fourth-graders had an average score of 224, which was 12 points higher than the national average. They now have an average score of 220, the same as the national average. Things are slightly better with eighth-graders, who matched their best score of the past decade but still only had 34 percent considered proficient in reading. Education observers bemoan the results as officials ponder what should be done.
Dispatches from HQ Group's spring fashion show features models with disabilities
The Student Occupational Therapy Association at UW-La Crosse will host Project Funway at 1 p.m. Saturday, April 10, at the Valley View Mall. Project Funway is a nonprofit event promoting inclusion and featuring models who have disabilities. Clothing for the event has been donated by Maurices, Vanity, Herbergers, Buckle, Tradehome Shoes, Pacific Sun Wear, Aeropostale, JC Penny andChristopher & Banks.
Musician will perform or write song as part of raffle benefit
A raffle is being held to raise funds to help cover expenses for Deena Faruseth, who was seriously injured in a car accident Feb. 20 and is being cared for in an assistedliving facility. She has a husband and young daughter at home. The winner of the raffle will receive either a private concert from Jim Seem on Sunday, May 23, or a Seem song written just for you (or the object of your affection) that he will perform Saturday, May 22, at the Root Note, 115 4th St. Raffle tickets cost $5, and you can enter as many times as you want. Tickets can be purchased at the Root Note. Donations also are being accepted. The winner will be announced Thursday, April 22, during the Root Note's open mic. For more information, contact John David at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Tour. The bus, which has been the tour bus for rock stars such as Rod Stewart, Def Leppard, Bryan Adams, Jimmy Buffet, Huey Lewis, Velvet Revolver, Third Eye Blind and Poison in the past, has been converted into a rock and roll hair salon, and is on tour across America stopping at 120 salons that have sold the most Bed Head products, including Orange Pearl Salon. There will be a cutathon, where you can get a $15 haircut from the Orange Pearl stylists on the bus, with proceeds going to a local charity. Heart Song Center also will offer massages. For more information, call (608) 782-2868.
Between the Bluffs entries due April 13
Calling all homebrewers: The Between the Bluffs Beer, Wine and Cheese Festival wants your best stuff. Entries are being accepted now through April 13 for the second annual homebrew contest. Contestants can enter homemade beers in any of the six categories: lagers, English ales, dark ales, pale ales, wheat beers and Belgian/strong beers. The cost to enter is $5 per brew, and contestants must supply two bottles of each entered beer. Judging will take place on April 17 with the winner crowned at the Beer, Wine and Cheese Festival on April 24. For more information, visit www.betweenthebluffsbeerfest. com.
Pump House's annual auction is weekend of April 10-11
The 28th Annual Pump House WIZM Radio Auction will take place from 1 to 5 p.m. Saturday and Sunday, April 10 and 11, live on 1410 AM. Auction items can be viewed online at www.thepumphouse.org. Bids can be submitted by phone or in person at the Pump House, 119 King St. Funds raised go to help support the Pump House Regional Arts Center. For more information, call (608) 785-1434.
Rocker's former tour bus now used for haircuts
The Bed Head Rockaholic tour bus will be parked at 3rd and Pearl streets in downtown La Crosse from 3 to 7 p.m. Wednesday, April 7, as part of the Livin' the Dream
Reminds you to support the retailers, restaurants, taverns and bands that support us. We are funded solely by advertising so if you want to support us, support them!
CONSCIENTIOUS COMMERCE: It's no joke
April 1, 2010 // 5
6// April 1, 2010
2010 Best of La Crosse
Cheese curds o Eduardo’s o Rudy’s Drive In Restaurant o Rocky’s Supper Club o Flipside Pub & Grill o Bruisers Sports Grill o Other: ___________________
Sandwich/wrap selection o Pickerman’s Soup & Sandwich o Lindy’s o Erberts & Gerbert’s o Bodega Brew Pub o Pizza King o Other: ___________________
Beer selection o Bodega Brew Bar o Pearl Street Brewery o JB’s Speakeasy o Rivoli Theatre o Popcorn Tavern o Other: ___________________
Spa/salon o Metropolitan Salon & Spa o Salon Medusa o The Hair Station o The Oasis Salon o Serenity o Other: ___________________
Bowling alley o All-Star Lanes o South Lanes o Features o Coulee Golf Bowl o Pla-Mor o Other: ___________________
Candy shop o Sweet-Shop o The Pearl Ice Cream Parlor o Finnottes Nut & Chocolate Shop o Ranison Ice Cream & Candy o The Candy Outlet o Other: ___________________
Bakery o St. Francis o Peoples Food Co-op o International Bake Shoppe o Linda’s Bakery o Fayze’s o Other: ___________________
College bar o Eagle’s Nest o Coconut Joes o Brother’s o Library o Animal House o Other: ___________________
Outdoors/recreation store o Three Rivers Outdoors o Smith’s Cycling & Fitness o Bikes Unlimited o Buzz’s Bike Shop o Mt. La Crosse ski shop o Other: ___________________
Place to shoot pool o Top Shots o Varsity Club o Mirage o Chapter II o Other: ___________________
Pizza - restaurant o Big Al’s o T-Jos o Pizza Amore o Edwardo’s o Ebeneezer’s o Other: ____________________
Breakfasts o Rosie’s Cafe o Marge’s on Rose o La Crosse Family Restaurant o Fayze’s o Old Style Inn o Other: ___________________
Coffee shop o Jules Coffee House o Grounded Specialty Coffee o Bean Juice o Java Vino o The Root Note o Other: ___________________
Dance club o Legends o Arena o Players o Impulse o Cognac Club o Other: ___________________
Private employer to work for o Logistics Health Inc. o Kaplan o Gundersen Lutheran o Franciscan Skemp o CenturyLink o Other: ___________________
Pizza - delivery/pickup o Breadeaux Pizza o Toppers o Happy Joe’s o Pizza King o Jeff & Jim’s Pizza o Other: ____________________
Cheap lunch o Maid-Rite o Ralph’s o Pickerman’s Soup & Sandwich o Coney Island o Gracie’s o Other: ___________________
Deli o People’s Food Co-op o Quillin’s o Festival Foods o Piggly Wiggly o Other: ___________________
Chinese food o The Dragon o Peking Chinese Restaurant o Hunan Chinese Restaurant o China Star o China Buffet o Other: ____________________
Wings o Brother’s o Buffalo Wild Wings o Hooters o Blue Moon o Features o Other: ___________________
Vote for one per category FOOD/RESTAURANTS Fine Dining o Kate’s on State o Freight House o Traditions o The Waterfront o Piggy’s o Other: ____________________
Steak o Freight House o Digger’s Sting o The Waterfront o Kate’s on State o Piggy’s o Other: ___________________
Burger o Alpine Inn o Bucky’s Burger Barn o Fayze’s o Pettibone Boat Club o Big Al’s o Other: ____________________
Soup selection o The People’s Food Co-op o Erbert & Gerbert’s o Pickerman’s Soup & Sandwich o Kwik Trip o International Bake Shoppe o Other: ___________________
BARS/ALCOHOL Sports bar o Bruisers Sports Grill o Mirage Bar o Snuffy’s o Flipside o Glory Days o Other: ___________________
Mexican restaurant o Tequila’s o Los Tres Compadres o Fiesta Mexicana o Manny’s o El Charro o Other: ____________________
Fish fry o River Jack’s o Syl’s o Ardie’s o The Commodore o Maggie’s o Other: ___________________
Bloody Mary o Del’s Bar o Digger’s Sting Restaurant o Bodega Brew Pub o Marge’s Lakeview Lounge o Alpine Inn o Other: ___________________
Ethnic food o Yoko’s o Gracie’s o Hmong’s Golden Egg Rolls o Ciatti’s Italian Restaurant o Buzzard Billy’s o Other: ____________________
Family restaurant o Schmidty’s o Country Kitchen o King St. Restaurant o Fayze’s o The Train Station BBQ o Other: ___________________
Cocktail bar o Starlite Lounge o The Cavalier o The Waterfront o 3 Rivers Lounge o Piggy’s o Other: ___________________
COMMERCE Boutique o Kick o Funk o 2Fifteen o Margrets Hip Hop Fashions o Other: ___________________
Bank o Altra Federal Credit Union o Bank One o Citizens State Bank o Coulee Bank o State Bank of La Crosse o Other: ___________________
Gym o Snap Fitness o YMCA o Shake ‘n Shed o Premier Fitness o La Crosse Fitness o Other: ___________________ Golf course o Country Club o Cedar Creek o Forest Hills o Fox Hollow o Coulee Golf Bowl o Other: ___________________
Live music venue o Popcorn Tavern o JB’s Speakeasy o Howie’s o Nighthawk’s Tap o The Warehouse o Other: ___________________ Karaoke nights o The Cavalier o Players o Library o Howie’s o Sher-Bears o Other: ___________________ Radio station o WLSU, 88.9 o Z-93, 93.3 o The Rock, 95.7 o Classic Rock 100.1 o CC106 106.3 o Other: _________________ Drag queen o Tammy Whynott? o Liza Hollywoodz o Champagne o Holiday Rose o Averi Bois-Dream o Other: ___________________
Antique shop o Treasures on Main o Antique Center o Purple Pig o Caledonia St. Antique Mall o Other: ___________________
Local periodical o La Crosse Tribune o Second Supper o Visitors Guide o La Crosse Magazine o Coulee Region Women o Other: ___________________
MUSIC Jukebox o JB’s Speakeasy o Del’s o The Cavalier o All-Star Lanes o Yesterdaze o Other: ___________________
Vintage/thrift store o Vintage Vogue o Good Steward o Second Showing o Fine Things o The Elite Repeat o Other: ___________________
Tattoo parlor o 3rd St. Ink o Blue line o Paradigm o Vandalism o Mind Altering o Other: ___________________
Rock band o Orwell o Paxico o T.U.G.G. o Monkey Wrench o Porcupine o Other: ___________________
UNIQUE LA CROSSE Annual or ongoing event that’s not Oktoberfest o Farmer’s market o Elvis Explosion o Beer and Cheese Fest o La Crosse Interstate Fair o Historic Downtown Day o Other: ___________________
Music related store o Dave’s Guitar Shop o Deaf Ear Records o SSE Music o Leithold Music o Instrument Repair of La Crosse o Guitar Exchange o Other: ___________________
CULTURE/ARTS Theatre season o Muse o Pump House o La Crosse CommunityTheatre o UW-La Crosse o Viterbo
Jamband o Smokin’ Bandits o Moon Boot Posse o SOMA o Shoeless Revolution o Burnt Brownies o Other: ___________________
View of the city o Grandad’s Bluff o Pettibone Park o Boat in the Mississippi o Hixon Forest o Apple Blossom Drive o Other: _________________
SPORTS/OUTDOORS Sports team o La Crosse Loggers o La Crosse Spartans o La Crosse Skating Sirens o Mississippi Valley Mahem o Other: ___________________
Songwriter o Michelle Lynn o Brahman Shaman o Nick Shattuck o Dan Sebranic o Chris Zobin o Other: ___________________
Place to people watch o Riverside Park o Valley View Mall o Myric Park o Third Street o Pettibone Beach o Other: _________________
Novelty/specialty store o River City Comics o Pearl Street Books o The Skate Shop o The Bead Shoppe o Other: ___________________
Pick one per category. Return ballot by May 1 to Second Supper, 614 Main St., or selected outlets. You also can vote online at www.secondsupper.com.
April 1, 2010 // 7
Guest Artists Kenni Holmen Nicholas Payton Randy Sabien Connie Evingson
43rd Annual Eau Claire Jazz Festival
Bringing world‑class jazz to Western Wisconsin. Plan your weekend getaway to beautiful Eau Claire, Wisconsin!
Tickets available online: www.eauclairejazz.com
register online to win a free getaway package.
Tickets available online or by calling: 715-836-4092.
8// April 1, 2010
La Crosse environmentalists dedicate 30 days for the Earth By Adam Bissen
email@example.com The Coulee Region. God’s Country. The Tri-State area. Whatever you call this land of ours, people in the La Crosse area love the Earth. Back in 1970, La Crosse was one of the first communities to celebrate Earth Day, an “environmental teach-in” established by Wisconsin Sen. Gaylord Nelson. The city continued celebrating Earth Day every April 22. Beginning in 2005, the UW-La Crosse Environmental Council took up the cause, and its annual gathering in Cameron Park mixed music and activism and became the “green” social event of the season. Seeking to expand the message, the La Crosse Earth Week Coalition stepped up last year and expanded the celebration to seven days. This year, to honor the 40th anniversary of Earth Day, the Coulee Region is ratch-
eting up green awareness yet again and will dedicate the entire month of April to promoting environmental causes. For a small community in a semi-rural area, La Crosse Earth Month seems both ambitious and vital. About 30 community organizations came together to plan the event, and the schedule they compiled (partially reprinted below) is impressive. “This whole month is just packed,” said Rebecca Brown, a co-chair of the La Crosse Earth Week Coalition. “There’s something going on nearly every day.” Some highlights of Earth Month include the Greens, Eggs & Cheese Gala, where area restaurants compete to make the best meal out of locally grown food. Twenty dollars lets you sample all the food, sip locally produced wine and vote for a winner at the newly opened Myrick Hixon EcoPark. To appreciate the source of that food, Earth Month will feature a bus tour of two
Community Supported Agriculture farms. Another bus tour will visit the “green” homes of Guy and Joan Wolf — who installed geothermal heat, green houses and free-range chicken pens — and Roald Gundersen and Amelia Baxter, whose home is the vanguard of “whole trees” construction. “I hope that [attendees] can learn something about being sustainable and how much the community is behind us,” Brown said. “Because I know personally I was doing stuff at home and felt kind of isolated and alone. … And then I found these people and I thought ‘Well, I’m not the only one!’” Other events during Earth Month include movie screenings, guided hikes, gardening workshops and stargazing. Grammy winner Bill Miller and Dan Sebranek will perform an Earth Day concert April 22 at the Cargill Ballroom, while the Green Rock Fest on April 23 will feature Fayme Rochelle & The Waxwings, Fur Low Riders and Hyphon.
The capstone events for Earth Month will be the Earth Fair and Green Expo, both on April 24. The Earth Fair will be held at the Three Rivers Waldorf School, 901 Caledonia St., and feature family-friendly workshops, film screenings, crafts, speakers, door prizes and a “local lunch.” The Green Expo will be held at the Lunda Center on the Western Technical College campus and feature workshops and vendors for “Green Homes” and “Green Transportation.” Both events are free, and a shuttle bus will run every half-hour between the two sites. It all seems like a fitting 40th birthday celebration for Earth Day. But as for next year? “I think it will just go back to a week,” said Vicki Miller, another LEWC co-chair. “Someone said we should make it Earth Year, because we’ve already done a month and a week and a day, but I don’t know about that.”
Earth Month Schedule THURSDAY, APRIL 1
5–6 p.m. Riverside Park International Friendship Gardens Earth Month Kickoff — La Crosse Mayor Matt Harter and County Board Chair Steve Doyle issue a joint proclamation declaring April to be “Earth Month” for the City and County of La Crosse.
MONDAY, APRIL 5
5:30–8 p.m. Myrick Hixon EcoPark Nature Center Greens, Eggs, and Cheese Gala — Culinary competition involving several local restaurants competing for best “locally grown meal.”Winner will be determined by guests. Tickets $20.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7
2:15-4 p.m. 122 Carl Wimberly Hall, UW-La Crosse Food Fight & discussion with Ron Kind — Screening of the documentary Food Fight followed by discussion of agricultural and food policy with Rep. Ron Kind. 8-10 p.m. Myrick Hixon EcoPark Wonderful Woodcocks — Experience the wonders of nature at night while searching for woodcocks. 8-9 p.m. Myrick Hixon EcoPark Astronomy Program — Members of the La Crosse Area Astronomical Society give a presentation on interesting celestial objects and a short history of the telescope. Followed by public stargazing, weather permitting.
THURSDAY, APRIL 8
6:30-8:30 p.m. La Crosse Public Library Main Auditorium Movie screening, FRESH — FRESH celebrates the farmers, thinkers and business people across America who are re-inventing our food system.
FRIDAY, APRIL 9
7–9:30 p.m. Mryick Hixon EcoPark Owl Prowl — Learn about these amazing birds and hike at night in Hixon Forest.
SATURDAY, APRIL 10
La Crosse Main Library Preserving the Summer Harvest — Meet Mary T. Bell author of several food drying books and freezing expert Marge Loch-Wouters to learn great techniques to prepare for the 5th Season.
SUNDAY, APRIL 11
1–4 p.m. Three Rivers Waldorf School Beginning Homemakers Cheese 101 — Learn the basics of cheese making using fresh goat milk while making three different types of cheeses. Cost $50.
TUESDAY, APRIL 13
7–8:30 p.m. UW-L Crosse Graff Main Hall Auditorium (2nd floor) Will Allen of Growing Power, Inc. — A recipient of a 2008 MacArthur Foundation Fellowship, Allen is an urban farmer who is transforming the cultivation, production, and delivery of healthy foods to underserved, urban populations.
THURSDAY, APRIL 15
6-8 p.m. Franciscan Spirituality Center Movie, Food Inc. — Filmmaker Robert Kenner lifts the veil on our nation's food industry, exposing the highly mechanized underbelly that has been hidden from the American consumer with the consent of our government's regulatory agencies.
SATURDAY, APRIL 17
9–5 p.m. Mryrick Hixon EcoPark Prescribed Burn School — For volunteers who want to help area conservation organizations with prescribed burns: $30 for members of MHEP, TPE and MVC, $35 for nonmembers, $20 for students.
SATURDAY, APRIL 17
12:30-5 p.m. WTC parking lot, corner of 7th & Vine CSA Farms Bus Tour — Learn about Community Supported Agriculture and tour two organic family farms set amidst the rolling hills of Vernon County’s farm country. Bus picks up and returns to same location. Cost $5.
SATURDAY, APRIL 17
2:30-7 p.m. Unity Park, East Lake Winona Winona Earth Day — Free concert in the park featuring per-
formances by Lucy Michelle and the Velvet Lappelles, a folk-pop sextet, and Magic Mama, an eco-edu-tainer who celebrates organic hip-hop. Also with vendors, exhibitors and food.
SUNDAY, APRIL 18
9 a.m.–5 p.m. Myrick Hixon EcoPark Prescribed Burn School — Day 2 of the class
TUESDAY, APRIL 20
6:30–8:30 p.m. La Crosse Public Library Auditorium Basin to Backyard: The Mississippi River and How You Can Help Improve the Vitality — An Earth Month celebration designed to help you learn how to make a lasting contribution to improve water quality, locally and down river.
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21
6:30–9 p.m. Myrick Hixon EcoPark Frog Frenzy Freakout — Find out why frogs are frenzied and call as we walk along the marsh trails. 6:30–8 p.m. La Crosse Public Library auditorium Green Film Series: No Impact Man — Follow the Manhattan Beavan family as they abandon their high consumption 5th Avenue lifestyle and try to live a year while making no net environmental impact.
EARTH DAY THURSDAY, APRIL 22
Noon–1 p.m. Viterbo Fine Arts Center Sacred Ground — Celebrating the 40th Anniversary of Earth Day, musician Bill Miller will give an inspirational talk titled "Sacred Ground.” 6:30-9:30 p.m. The Cargill Ballroom at The Waterfront Restaurant Earth Day Concert — Three-time Grammy Award-winning singer Bill Miller will perform with Dan Sebranek. $10 admission. Bring non-perishable item for WAFER. 6:30–7:30 p.m. La Crosse Public Main Library auditorium Meet Rick Chrustowski — Rick is a Wisconsin children’s author and illustrator of earth-friendly titles that focus on creatures from the Midwest and their amazing habits.
FRIDAY, APRIL 23
7:30 p.m.-Midnight Concordia Ballroom Green Rock Fest — Concert featuring Fayme Rochelle & the Waxwings, Fur Low Riders and Hyphon
SATURDAY, APRIL 24
8–10 a.m. Myrick Hixon EcoPark Marsh Walk and Cleanup — Hosted by the Marsh Coalition and Myrick Hixon EcoPark. Hike begins at 8 a.m., with the marsh cleanup starting at 9 a.m. Myrick Hixon EcoPark 10 a.m.-3 p.m. Astronomy Day — Activities run during the day and resume at dusk for night viewing. Starlab portable planetarium in EcoCenter from 1-2:30 p.m. 11 a.m.–5 p.m. Three Rivers Waldorf School Earth Fair — A family-oriented event with Farmers Market, "Green" vendors, children’s crafts and activities, workshops, and environmental films. Door prizes! Lunch featuring local foods. (Shuttle bus available between Earth Fair and Green Expo.) 11 a.m.– 4 p.m. Lunda Center, Western Technical College Green Expo — Featuring “Green Homes” and “Green Transportation” vendors, informational booths, workshops and more. Also offers door prizes and a local lunch.
SUNDAY, APRIL 25
12:30-5 p.m. People’s Food Co-op Parking lot Green Homes Bus Tour — Visit the Roald Gundersen & Amelia Baxter home and Guy & Joan Wolf home, rain or shine, $5 per person.
FRIDAY, APRIL 30
6:30–7:30 p.m. Myrick Hixon EcoPark Nature Center Hans Mayer — Popular local children’s singer Hans Mayer performs songs from his CD “It’s Our World: The Green Album.” Source: www.greenlacrosse.com. All events are free unless otherwise noted
APRIL FOOL'S TALES
April 1, 2010 // 9
Mayor Matt Harter, who recently began attending the University of WisconsinLa Crosse, was spotted peeking at another student's homework in his political science class Tuesday, according to campus sources. Marcus Hammell, a student in Joe Heim's State and Local Government class, stated that he was reviewing his homework before turning it in on Tuesday when he noticed Harter behaving strangely. “He was leaning way over. I thought he was just tying his shoe,” says freshman Hammell, 19. “But then he got all flustered when he noticed me looking at him. I'm not usually one to point fingers, but...”. Other students in Heim's class have had similar experiences. Michaela Krumrie, a sophomore, said she felt uncomfortable
when Harter asked her how she'd responded to homework questions. “Maybe he was just trying to get a feel for what the students are understanding about local government, since, you know, he is the mayor and everything. But I didn't really like sharing my responses with him, since he's a student, too, you know?” said Krumrie, 20. When asked about his behavior, Harter flashed his signature smile and responded, “Well, you know, when you think about it, uh, my actions in Dr. Heim's class — he's a really great teacher by the way — it's all just part of business when you tighten up the ship of government and, uh, move forward with — hey, what paper did you say you wrote for?”
Rudy's forms roller derby league There’s a new roller derby team in town, and they’re hungry for satisfaction. The Rudy’s Drive-In Cranky Carhops will roll out this summer as La Crosse’s third competitive derby team, owner Gary Rudy announced Monday at a root beersoaked unveiling ceremony. “Sure we could have just joined one of the other teams [the Mississippi Valley Mayhem or La Crosse Skating Sirens], but they don’t offer our distinct brand of wheeled entertainment,” Rudy said. “It’s one thing to deliver a check into the boards, but to deliver cheese curds and chili dogs at the same time, that really puts a smile on people’s faces.” The Cranky Carhops will compete nationally in the Sonic Cup league, which is
comprised of drive-in restaurant employees and does not permit salacious puns or music recorded after 1961. In addition to standard roller derby rules, all competitors must skate with a tray of open beverages and are penalized for spills. When an asked if they were also considering joining the Sonic Cup league, an employee at another La Crosse’s drive-in, A&W Family Restaurant, responded “What? No, we just walk to the cars.”
Owner plans to breathe new life into Casino Casino owner Don Padesky recently revealed to Second Supper plans to reopen the down-on-its-luck downtown dive bar. But patrons can expect quite a change from the formerly dingy ambiance. “I heard a lot of complaints from [customers] who wanted to see it reopened,” Padesky said in an interview at a local assisted care facility. “So I finally decided to invest in the place. I finally complied with the city and got an ice machine — I guess I didn't think it was that big of a deal.” But Padesky has even bigger plans for his new venture. “Yeah, I was looking on the World Wide Web at those fancy oxygen bars they have in big cities. So I though, hell, I've got here
about 13 oxygen tanks; why not put them to use?” Padesky says he plans to renovate the decades-old bar and redecorate in a swanky, cocktail lounge theme. He also has rigged his collection of oxygen tanks to provide a variety of flavors, such as cherry, pina colada and mango. “With all these tanks, folks can just belly up to the bar to get some nice, fresh oxygen," said Pedesky between huffs on pineapple O2. "I'm hoping it will draw in new customers." Following a protracted standoff with public safety advocates, smoking will not be allowed within 30 feet the oxygen bar.
©2010 Treasure Island Resort & Casino
Mayor accused of cheating in government class
10// April 1, 2010
The Arts Review The Designer's Drugs Media: Book vs. Film Stimuli: The Green Mile Combatants: Stephen King, Frank Darabont The Green Mile is one of Stephen King’s best works. It was originally written as a serial novel, split into six parts and released as such. In contrast, Frank Darabont’s film version is a whole work, not needing to constantly catch the reader up to the current point or use literary prophecy to foreshadow what’s to come. Beyond that it’s largely faithful to the source material, only slightly changing elements toward the end in ways that don’t cheapen the original story. Both book and film are magnificent pieces of art, and it’s really difficult to decide the superior work. In the end I’m going with the film. The obvious factor that tips the scales is the performance of Michael Clarke Duncan. Rarely has an actor been so well-suited to a role. Duncan plays the hulking, doomed and miraculous death row inmate John Coffey with so much intensity and passion that he hijacked the entire story. After seeing the film, one can’t go back to the book and ignore his presence. Hell, I read the book first and still couldn’t escape it. Standing behind Duncan’s gentle giant is a stellar supporting cast, headed by Tom Hanks. Considering that he’s portraying the boss of the death row block, one with grown children and a severe urinary infection, Hanks might have been a bit young for the part of the Pontius Pilate-like Paul Edgecombe. Yet Hanks carries himself with such a solemn bearing that the point isn’t a pressing one. His crew shares his gravity in sending the condemned to the electric chair, and while their roles and fates are expanded
ARTS in the book, the film captures in a visceral way each person’s reaction to the tale’s executions. Everything — all the horror, selfloathing and cowardly sadism — comes out in their faces. What advances the film even further is its drastic alteration between the gruesome and the elegant. Certain scenes are as terrible as anything found in a conventional horror film, and perhaps they’re even more terrible because they concern fully developed characters that create gnawing senses of despair and loss. But there are moments where the camera doesn’t show everything in the same way that the eye of the page reveals. In this way, the story’s conclusion doesn’t show the expected climax, but watches everything and everyone around it, and is all the more powerful and awful for this restraint. That I’m giving Darabont’s film the duke is no slight against King’s book; in fact, it speaks well that the book provided such a solid foundation for the film to transcend it. A lesser book would have led to a lesser film, whereas The Green Mile, no matter how it’s absorbed, is stunning. Winner: Film — Brett Emerson
Bizarro Masterpiece Theatre Medium: Film Rock n’ Roll High School Forever (1991) Director: Deborah Brock Stars: Corey Feldman, Mary Woronov Writer: Deborah Brock This may be my favorite Corey Feldman film of all time! This tribute to the power of rock n’ roll (and to sequels to tributes to the power of rock n’ roll) features Feldman in all his glory, enraptured by the yuppie hatin’, lower half gyratin’, beanie-weenie eatin’ Spirit of Rock n’ Roll! Said Spirit of Rock n’ Roll is played by Mojo Nixon, who comes to Feldman in a dream and lights a fire under his ass with a powerful musical number. It works. The reason why Feldman’s character was down in the dumps was because the yuppies and administrative fascists of Reagan High had backed him into a corner and cut him off at every turn. Following a particularly legendary Rock and Roll High School day, the evil Dr. Vadar was brought in to reinforce discipline. She set about this goal by turning the campus into a prison yard, recruit-
ing the Young Republicans to rat out their classmates and hiring two drawling spawns of Randy Quaid to do her bidding as security guards. Feldman and his Eradicators, once the kings and queens of the school, were reduced to second-class citizens, framed and scapegoated for their music and refrigeratorworshiping antics. But once Feldman receives his Rock n’ Roll Carol from Mr. Nixon, the fight is back on! The only thing I don’t like about this film is that Eaglebauer, the aged black market hipster who assists the kids in their battle against authority, is not played by the lovely Clint Howard, who filled the role in the original Rock n’ Roll High School. A Clint Howard/Corey Feldman meeting of minds would have solved many of the world’s ills. But alas, the Eaglebauer of Forever is some wavy-maned goofball who wants to hawk horsemeat to American lunchrooms. But everything else is wonderful! Mary Woronov is terrifying as Dr. Vadar, the onehanded Hitler of Reagan High. Her henchmen cavort around with dimwitted glee, as happy putting pails on their heads and swordfighting with nightsticks as they are busting teen malcontents (so they’re not all that bad). The yuppies are sniveling turds who believe that virgins locked in the throes of passion will inevitably give each other AIDS. The teenage witch who knows the four food groups as booze, fat, sugar, and salt is kind of adorable. And the Eradicators, well, they eradicate! Viva Corey Feldman! — Brett Emerson
The Screening Room Medium: Film Greenberg (2010) Director: Noah Baumbach Stars: Ben Stiller, Greta Gerwig, Rhys Ifans Writers: Noah Baumbach and Jennifer Jason For his role in Greenberg, Ben Stiller appears to have consumed some kind of ageaccelerating elixir. His skin looks sickly, his back hunches forward and he's skinny to the point of appearing unhealthy. Oddly enough, this languid appearance fits Stiller who in turn fits the part. His 41-year-old
Roger Greenberg recently completed a stint at an institute for the sanity-impaired, and has returned to his hometown of L.A. to half-assedly repair bridges he burned 15 years earlier. Or maybe the bridges burned from the other end: Greenberg is immensely unlikeable, a pessimist of the most egotistical order. Greenberg dwells lengthily on its lead's destructive schizoid behavior. Director Noah Baumbach essentially challenges his audience to put in the work necessary to connect with Roger Greenberg — no easy task considering the titular character is as standoffish as they come. Baumbach pulls a cruel bait and switch on the audience early, getting viewers invested in mumblecore mainstay Greta Gerwig's sweet, likable Florence and then snatching her away to focus instead on the obnoxious Greenberg, a once-promising musician who fled L.A. to try his luck unsuccessfully in New York. Twenty-something Florence — the nanny of Greenberg's successful, family-oriented brother — exhibits a degree of aimless-existence anxiety not dissimilar to Roger's. Their parallel stories assert both that broad, at-odds-with-the-world confusion isn't generation specific, and that some never find the means to overcome it. It's a little late for somebody like Greenberg to grow up, and even if he did stumble into some lifealtering epiphany, what would be the point? The shot at his ideal life has already passed him by. A failure by his own standards, Roger concentrates his efforts, perhaps involuntarily, on bringing others down with him, a habit that to him has become second nature. It's a nuance that intensifies his insecurities, and it takes a toll not only on his friends ("friends" used loosely) and family, but on the film's audience as well. Greenberg meanders on the cause-effect dynamic between Roger's actions and the people they hurt. The film's redundancy constantly threatens whatever genuine pathos it manages to scrape together. But the experience isn't without its rewards. Anyone willing to stick it out with Stiller and Gerwig is rewarded with a glimpse at a relationship that could stand as an exemplary antithesis to the entire romanticcomedy genre. Greenberg plays it almost too real, painstakingly portraying life as the series of letdowns that it becomes for so many people, no matter what generation. — Nick Cabreza
April 1, 2010 // 11
music directory // April 2 to April 8 FRIDAY,
just a roadie away
DEWEY'S SIDE STREET // 621 St. Paul St.
Bitz and Pieces (rock) • 8:30 p.m
CHICK COREA // APRIL 16-17 Dakota Jazz Club • $25-$90
FISH'S BAR // 612 Caledonia St. Joe Cody & Rick Weeth (acoustic duo) •
KARL DENISON'S TINY UNIVERSE // APRIL 16 Fine Line Music Cafe • $18.50
8 p.m. NEUIE'S NORTH STAR // 1732 George St. Led Foot (new band) • 8 p.m.
CLIPSE // APRIL 19 Fine Line Music Cafe • $16.50
NIGHTHAWKS TAP // 401 S. Third St.
GOGOL BORDELLO // APRIL 24-25 First Avenue • $25
Dr. Lee and the Terminally Chill Band (rock/blues) • 10 p.m.
NORTH SIDE OASIS // 620 Gillette St. Lifeline (new rock band) • 9 p.m. ONALASKA AM. LEGION // 731 Sand Lake Road Buck Hollow Band (oldies) • 7 p.m. PEARL STREET BREWERY // 1401 St. Andrew St. Dave Orr (man about town)• 5 p.m.
PIGGY'S BLUES LOUNGE // 501 Front St. S. Doghouse Jon & the Misbehavers (blues)
• 8 p.m.
While the biggest show of the weekend will be Saturday night's Meat Puppets/Porcupine concert at the Warehouse (see article, page 12), you would also be wise to check out Ayurveda when they roll through the club the previous night. The band hails from Ithaca, New York, but their horizons are much wider. With two Napelese-born guitarists and a Sanskrit name evoking an ancient Hindu life philosophy, Ayurveda brings more to the table than your typical hard rock band. Their music weaves spacey atmospherics and thundering rock crescendos — a bit like Tool in that regard. Ayurveda is touring in support of "H. luminious," an eight-song EP exploring contemporary shamanism and the Mayan 2012 prophecy.
HOWIE'S // 1125 La Crosse St. Junkyard Saints (rock) • 9 p.m. JB'S SPEAKEASY // 717 Rose St. Six Nights Alone (punk-country) • 10 p.m.
NEUIE'S NORTH STAR // 1732 George St.
POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Sterus (face-melting) • 10 p.m.
SHER BEARS // 329 Goddard St.
Flashback (classic hair band) • 9: p.m.
p.m. THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S.
Songwriters Showcase (sign up to perform) • 8:30 p.m.
THE WAREHOUSE // 324 Pearl St. Ayurveda (rock/world beat) • 9 p.m. THE WATERFRONT TAVERN // 328 Front St. Greg Balfany and Guests (jazz) • 8 p.m.
& roll) • 7 p.m.
THE WATERFRONT TAVERN // 328 Front St. Greg Balfany and Guests (jazz) • 8 p.m. TREMPEALEAU HOTEL // 150 Main St. Michelle Lynn (folk) • 7 p.m.
The Fabulous Baloney Skins (variety) • 8
The Fabulous Baloney Skins (variety) • 8
DEWEY'S SIDE STREET // 621 St. Paul St. Blackwater (R&B, funk) • 8 p.m. FLIPSIDE PUB AND GRILL // 400 Lang Drive Seven Ravens (rock septet) • 9 p.m.
NEUIE'S VARSITY CLUB // 1920 Ward Ave.
POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Som'n Jazz (jazz) • 10 p.m.
NIGHTHAWKS TAP // 401 S. Third St.
Dr. Lee and the Terminally Chill Band (rock/blues) • 10 p.m.
NORTH SIDE OASIS // 620 Gillette St. Olson Dunn Band (country) • 9 p.m.
DEL’S BAR // 229 Third St. Open Jam • 10 p.m.
PIGGY'S BLUES LOUNGE // 501 Front St. S.
POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St.
Doghouse Jon & the Misbehavers (blues)
• 8 p.m.
Shawn "Interesting Headwear" jam • 10
POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St.
Organic Banana Quartet (reunion show)
• 10 p.m. THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S.
Grey to Blue, The Songs For (indie pop)
• 8:30 p.m. THE WAREHOUSE // 324 Pearl St.
Meat Puppets, Porcupine, Czarbles (rock
MARK KNOPFLER // Apri 25 State Theatre • $66-$106 CANNIBAL CORPSE // May 1 Station 4 • $18
THE ROOT NOTE // 114 Fourth St. S. Jazz jam • 8:30 p.m. THE WAREHOUSE // 324 Pearl St.
Mac Lethal f/ DJ Sku, Soulcrate Music, Prof, Akream (hip-hop) • 7 p.m.
DEL’S BAR // 229 Third St. SOMA (jam) • 10 p.m. NIGHTHAWKS TAP // 401 S. Third St. The Bad Axe Band (open jam) • 10 p.m.
POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Open jam • 10 p.m.
NIGHTHAWKS TAP // 401 S. Third St.
POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Fayme Rochelle and the Waxwings (bluegrass jam) • 8 p.m. THE JOINT // 324 Jay St. SOMA (open jam) • 9 p.m.
Dave Orr's Damn Jam (open jam) • 10 p.m.
POPCORN TAVERN // 308 S. Fourth St. Two Many Banjos (bluegrass) • 10 p.m. THE ROOT NOTE // 114 4th St. S. Open Mic • 8 p.m. THE STARLITE LOUNGE // 222 Pearl St. Kies and Kompanie (jazz) • 5 p.m.
12// April 1, 2010
Local band Porcupine will open for the Meat Puppets at The Warehouse on Saturday night. They also will be rocking Concordia Ballroom on April 9. The group is working on its second album, to be released late this summer. PHOTO PROVIDED BY STEPHEN HARM
Porcupine preps for Puppets II By Anna Soldner firstname.lastname@example.org A little over a year ago, local rock trio Porcupine opened for the legendary Meat Puppets at The Warehouse in downtown La Crosse. The Meat Puppets have been making music for more than 30 years, influencing bands from Nirvana to Pavement, as well as the members of Porcupine when they were teenagers. What was it like for Porcupine to meet and precede such influential rock stars? “It was, like, a dream because they were one of my favorite bands and I used to play their songs in older bands,” lead singer and guitarist Casey Virock said in an easygoing interview with his band mates at a downtown coffee shop. “It was cool. I got to hang with them. They’re great guys.” This Saturday, April 3, they’re at it again — opening for the Meat Puppets with the same sense of surprise, excitement and gratitude, but perhaps without the pre-show
jitters. “I think it will differ because we’ve actually met them now and we kind of know them a little bit,” explains drummer Jeff Bahr. “In an excitement regard, I hope it was as cool as it was last year.” Virock, Bahr and bass player Dave Reinders are seasoned musicians and have histories to prove it. Virock and Reinders played in the local group Space Bike, a popular indie band that scored on college radio charts and was even played by famous British D.J. John Peel. Bahr has been around the block, too, drumming for the award-winning Minneapolis band Remover. Porcupine have already reached success with the College Music Journalism charts. “We sent 300 records to college radio,” Bahr says. “We actually did pretty well . We broke the top 200.” Despite boasting many years of musical experience and several significant successes, Porcupine manage to remain humble and
appreciative — refreshing qualities that make them strikingly down-to-earth. Over the course of the interview, marked with bursts of laughter and Dave’s lively anecdotes about his children’s reactions to their music videos, it becomes evident that these three share an undeniable chemistry. Four years have passed since they formed Porcupine, named after a favorite Echo and the Bunnymen record, and today they are considered one of La Crosse’s most notable rock bands. Often compared and heavily influenced by groups such as Queens of the Stone Age and Foo Fighters, Porcupine recently released their debut album, “The Trouble With You,” showcasing grungy guitar lines, playful melodies and lyrics about life, the universe and “anything and everything.” Bahr explains further, “We take our everyday lives and funnel it into our music because it helps relieve a lot of stress for us.” Currently they are writing and recording for their sophomore album, set to release late this summer. They hope it will make them more established and are working to possibly expand outside of the Midwest, but don’t expect them to forget their home roots in order to sell records. “We’re not making a dime off of this,” Reinders admits. Bahr adds, “If we do, it usually goes back into it somehow, somewhere. It’s a cycle.” There’s a short pause until Reinders concludes, “We care about people. We’re giving, and we give, and then when there’s no more to give, ya know what we do? We give a little bit more.” Spoken like true rock stars. After the Meat Puppets show, Porcupine's next concert is April 9 at the Concordia Ballroom.
Oh hi, right now I'm gonna tell you Shuggypop's most played newish stuff from March. "American VI: Ain't No Grave" by the iconic Johnny Cash is the most morose, world weary bunch of tunes I've listened to since, well, the last installment of the "American" series. Recorded in the months before his death in 2003 with producer Rick Rubin in Johnny's Tennessee cabin, these grim covers of Appalachian ballads and recent rock hits set to a stark musical accompaniment show a man in black who was ready to meet his maker. The grim reaper himself is channeled through the grandfatherly baritone of a man who has more badassitude in his little finger than most people will ever have. "Going Places" by noise rock duo Yellow Swans is some washed out instrumental bliss of majestic serenity that can make you feel you are floating in a sea of embryonic fluids that have been spiked with opiates. Ethereal guitar drones layered over the heart beat of heavenly angels with just enough anxiety to give it some edge. Spooky, yet calming, packed with beautiful melancholy. "A Sufi and a Killer" by Gonjasufi takes the dubbed out beats of freaks like Flying Lotus and Gaslamp Killah with whom this dreadlocked yoga instructor/hip hop junkie pals around with, throws in some vintage fuzzed out raga-rock guitar workouts worthy of an acid tinged Fillmore West show circa 1968 and the raspy vocals of a man doing his best to channel Billie Holiday, and you've got yourself a slice of awesome. "Swim" by London-based producer Caribou gives you some sunny psychedelic pop backed by funky synth squiggles and some propulsive microhouse beats that will put enough bounce in your step to clear the bar at 5 feet in the high jump. This funky electro is a springtime shot of sunshine, rainbows and lollipops that will put a smile on your face bigger than a coked out Venice Beach roller disco team. "Causers of This" by electropop dude Toro Y Moi falls under the umbrella of the relatively new genre that's been dubbed glo-fi (aka chillwave) that started blowing up last summer from bands like Washed Out, Memory Tapes, and Neon Indian that seeks to blend elements of '90s rave with tripped out lo-fi pop sounds of Animal Collective and all their clones, with a liberal dose of '80s synth pop cheeze influences like Hall & Oates and Billy Ocean. This is basically catchy dance music for quirky and awkward youngsters who like to get their weird on. "In Search of Stoney Jackson" by Madlib & Strong Arm Steady is the latest blunted release to get hit by the Madlib genius. Strong Arm Steady is a quartet of Los Angeles rappers who have been whittled down to a duo whose skills aren't really all that, but throw some Madlib beats behind them, and the ish becomes gold. A handful of guest MCs pop up, such as Talib Kweli, Guilty Simpson and Fashawn to add a little flavor, but I listen to this one for the medical card enhanced beats.
— Shuggypop Jackson
The Best Food & Drink Specials in Town LOCATION
April 1, 2010 // 13
YOUR GUIDE TO CONSUMPTION
To advertise here, call (608) 782-7001 or e-mail us at email@example.com.
Midwest Poker League 7 p.m.
Wyld Wednesday: $2 Jumbo UV, mixers $1.50 Coronas
Ladies' Night, $5 Long Island pitchers
$1 Cherry Bombs, $1 Keystone Light silos
$1 Cherry Bombs, $1 Keystone Light silos
BODEGA BREW PUB
$2 BBQ Pork Sliders
2-Fers, Buy any regularly priced food item and get one of equal or lesser value for free
$2.50 Coors vs. Keystone pitchers. All specials 9 p.m. to close
AUC2D: $5, domestic taps, rail mix- 10-cent wings, $1 Miller High Life ers, Long Islands. All specials 9 p.m. bottles, $1.50 rail mixers; $2.50 call to close drinks. All specials 9 p.m. to close.
107 3rd St. S. 782-1883 122 4th St. 782-0677
306 Pearl St. 784-0522
Free beer 5:30-6:30; Free wings 7:30- Taco buffet 11-2; 8:30, Free bowling after 9 $1 Pabst bottles and $1 bowling after 9
W3923 State Highway 16 786-9000
Fish Tacos: 1 / $2.50, 2 / $5.00, 3 / $6.50. AUC2D: $5, domestic taps, rail mixers and Long Islands. Wristband Night: $2.50 SoCo & Jack. All specials 9 p.m. to close.
$3 3 Olives mixers, $3 Mojitos, $2 $3 Bacardi mixers, $3 Mojitos, $2 Cherry Bombs, $1 Bazooka Joe's; Cherry bombs, $1 Bazooka Joe's. FAC: $3 domestic pitchers, micro/ All specials 9 p.m. to close. import taps, anything that pours. 4-9 p.m.
All you care to eat pizza buffet, 11-2
All you care to eat fish fry 4-10; un- Prime rib dinner 4-10; limited Glow-N-Bowl $9.99 unlimited Glow-N-Bowl $9.99
1125 La Crosse St. 784-7400
Happy hour 4 to 9 p.m.; 9 p.m. to 9 p.m. to close: $3.50 domestic 9 p.m. to close: $1 rails, $2.50 pitch- $5 all you can drink close: Night Before Class - $3 pitch- pitchers ers, beer pong ers of the beast
9 p.m. to close: $1.25 rails, $1.75 bottles/cans
9 p.m. to close: $2 Captain mixers, $2 bottles/cans, $3 Jager bombs
Karaoke 9 p.m.-Close; Happy Hour daily 5-8
Wine & martini night; Happy Hour daily 5-8
18+ night (1st and 3rd Thursday of each month); Happy Hour daily 5-8
$25 open bar package, 11 p.m. to Happy Hour daily 5-8 close: domestic/import beer, rail, call drinks, martinis; Happy Hour daily 5-8
$1.75 domestic bottles
$1.75 domestic bottles
Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m.
Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m.
Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m.
TJ's Oasis 620 Gillette St., 3 p.m. Howie's 1128 La Crosse St., 7 p.m.
Arena 620 107 S. 3rd St. 7 p.m.
The Commodore 215 S. Chestnut St., 6 p.m. Dewey's Side Street Pub 621 St. Paul St., 6 p.m.
Sloopy's Alma Mater 163 Copeland Ave., 7 p.m. Days Hotel 101 Sky Harbor Drive, 7 p.m.
Adams Street Pub 1200 11th St. S., 6:30 p.m. Ike's Jabber Jaws 433 Avon St., 6 p.m.
$6.95 lunch buffet $9.95 breakfast buffet 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.
$2 can beer (2-6 p.m.) $11 buckets of beers (6-close)
$2 can beer (2-6 p.m.) 12" pizza: $8.99 up to 5 toppings (4-close)
Wings, Wings, Wings... $2 off 14: Ladies night, 2 for 1 drinks (6-close), Friday Fish, $2 can beer (2-6) pizza, $2 can beer (2-6 p.m.) $2 can beer (2-6 p.m.)
2 for 1 pints/pitches w/ student ID over 21
$8.99 12-ounce T-bone
$1.50 taps 6 to 8 p.m.
All Mojitos $5
214 Main St. 782-6010
9 p.m. to close: $2 Bacardi mixers, $2 domestic pints, $1.50 shots blackberry brandy
Happy Hour 5 to 7 p.m.
717 Rose St. 796-1161
MIDWEST POKER LEAGUE firstname.lastname@example.org
SCHMIDTY’S 3119 State Road 788-5110
SLOOPY'S ALMA MATER 163 Copeland Ave. 785-0245
Cruz-in Pub and Eatery W5450 Keil Coulee Road, 2 p.m.
801 Rose St. 784-1811
THE CAVALIER LOUNGE 114 5th Ave. N. 782-2111
Sunday Fun Day - Wristband Night
Half price tequilla, $1 domestic taps Karaoke, $2 double rails & all bottles Beer Pong Tourney and and rails wristband night
123 3rd St. 784-8020
$3 Bacardi mixers, $3 Jumbo Long Island Iced Teas
$3 Jumbo Long Island Iced Teas, $3 3 Olives mixers $5 Miller/Bud Light Pitchers, $2.25 Leinies Bottles (7-1AM)
137 4th St. 782-6622
$5 Pitchers/$2 bottles of Miller $1.75 Miller/Bud Light Taps, $2.25 $1.75 Rails, $1.50 Domestic Taps, $2 domestic bottles, $2.50 Skyy/ products (11-4pm) MIcro/Craft Taps, $2.50 Cherry Bombs $3.50 Jager Bombs Absolut mixers, $2 Dr. shots $2 Corona Bottles, $2 Kilo Kai Mixers (7-1AM) (7-1AM) (7-1am) , $3 Bloodys (7-1AM)
5 Domestic Bottles for $10, $5 $2 Captain Mixers, $2. Long Island Micro/Import Bottles $11.50, $7 Mixers, $3 Effen Vodka Mixers (7Micro/Craft Pitchers (7-1AM) 1AM)
TRAIN STATION BBQ
Ask for great eats
11 a.m. to 3 p.m., Barn burner $7.95; 4 to 9 p.m., Hobo dinner (serves two) $30.95
WHO'S ON THIRD
Happy Hour until 10 p.m. $1.50 domestic taps, $2 rails from 10 to close
601 St. Andrew St. 781-0005 126 3rd St. N. 782-9467
$1 taps of PBR, $1 rails
11 a.m. to 3 p.m., extra side with sandwich; 4 to 9 p.m., $1 off rib dinner
11 a.m. to 3 p.m., Chicken on fire One-half chicken three bones $7.95; 4 to 9 p.m., Bones and bris- $12.95 kets $13.95
Wristband night, includes rails and domestic taps, 8 p.m.-1 a.m. $3 call doubles, $2 Bud products
Ladies' Night: $2 top shelf, $1 Pink $8.50 Fish Bowls, $2 Miller products $1 off Three Olives, $2 domestic taps Tacos Everyone: $2.50 bombs, $2 taps, $3 Jack/Captain doubles
14// April 1, 2010
CONSUMPTION By Erich Boldt
Freefillin' Take the plunge into random vocabulary By Matt Jones
The Beer Review
Maibock Capital Brewery Middleton, Wisconsin
In the land of the Bocks, Capital Brewery’s Kirby Nelson is king. This German style has never grabbed much traction in the United States, but over the past 15 years, Nelson has rolled out five awardwinning bocks: the Blonde Dopplebock, Dark Doppelbock, DoppelWeizen Bock, Autumnal Fire and the Maibock I’m reviewing today. While Capital Brewery also produces a handful of ales, Nelson is arguably the nation’s best brewer of lagers, and Bocks are his signature style. This is best exemplified by Bockfest, a celebration held every February for the past 12 years at the Capital Brewery in Middleton. Highlights include the blessing of the Blonde Dopplebock — a cultish beer often ranked among the best in the world — and Nelson climbing to the roof of his brewery to throw frozen chub at the revelers. OK, so I didn’t say I fully understood Nelson’s passion for Bocks, but they certainly taste like he loves them. His Maibock is certainly no slouch. It has earned six medals at the
World Beer Championships, including a gold in 2007. And should you consider that faint praise, it’s also the best Maibock I’ve drank all year. The beer pours a beautifully translucent copper color with a white frothy head that has decent retention. The aroma is clean, not overly malted and with a faint Appearance: 9 whiff of hops. The taste is bready with notes of Aroma: 7 caramel, orange, pine needles and — in in- Taste: 9 spired Wisconsin fashion — butter. After lift- Mouthfeel: 10 ing a glass, the Maibock slides effortlessly across Drinkability: 8 the tongue and sweet malts arise from the rear taste buds. Honey Total: 43 and lemon notes dominate, but it’s not overpoweringly sweet. It’s more like ate-a-Twinkie-5-minutes-ago sweet, and then a deft hop blend dries the mouth for a smooth finish. For being 6.2 percent alcohol, the beer is disarmingly easy to drink. It’s medium-bodied, medium-hopped, medium-colored and medium-finished. By many schematics, this would make it the perfect lager. The Capital Maibock is one of those beers that is so effortlessly crafted that no taste is especially pronounced. But after you drink one you sit and lick the inside of your lips and think “Damn, that was a good beer.” Someone toss Kirby Nelson a fish. — Adam Bissen
ACROSS 1 Word after rubber or brass 5 They eject matter, theoretically 15 Sunburn remedy 16 Make all the same, to a Brit 17 City in central Arizona 18 Reconciliations 19 Canned 20 Gets comfy, perhaps 21 Spanish equivalent of Mmes. 23 Amtrak stop: abbr. 24 Hwy. 25 Doofuses 28 Circus precaution 29 From Sumatra or Timor, old-style 34 Leather shoe, for short 35 "In that case..." 36 As predicted 37 Coup d'___
39 Athletic supporter? 40 Isolated places 42 Crafty 43 Designation for driver's licenses 44 Like dog kisses 45 Opposite of NNE 48 Israeli singer Naim with the 2008 hit "New Soul" 49 Skating show 52 Long stare 56 Logical philosopher 57 Finito 58 Type of job that pays the lowest, usually 59 Cartoon explorer 60 2000 Sting duet with Cheb Mami 61 Spoiled kid DOWN 1 College football champs 2 Sean's foil on "Celebrity Jeopardy!"
Answers to March 25 puzzle Stuff it! My cup runneth over
3 Deviated septum site 4 Unstoppable regarding 5 Comment about the pretentious 6 "It's ___ hell in here" 7 "Everything's fine" 8 Vocal qualities 9 Discharge 10 Masters of the Universe leader 11 Cash for strippers 12 They may include lyrics 13 Station wagons, in England 14 Part of a sonnet 22 Diamond stat 25 Opus ___ 26 Ice cream shop option 27 Writing for grades 30 "Fingerprinting" sample 31 Netherlands-based tribunal, for short 32 Black and white bird 33 English city known for coal and beer
34 Hard rock guitar legends, to some 38 Airport screening org. 41 The A of IPA 42 Ran a check card 45 Mythical horn-dog 46 Tipped over 47 Go back and forth 48 Survey answers, sometimes 50 Wax, in French 51 Il ___ (operatic pop group) 53 Company that comes a-calling 54 Number in the Cookie Monster song "They Not Take That Away From Me" 55 Part of QED For answers, call (900) 226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Or to bill to a credit card, call (800) 655-6549. Reference puzzle #0461.
Have an opinion? Send your letters to the editor to Second Supper, 614 Main St., La Crosse, WI 54601 or by e-mail to email@example.com. Letters should be signed and include phone number for verification purposes. Please limit letters to no more than 300 words. Second Supper reserves the right to edit letters for length, clarity and grammar. For more information, call (608) 782-7001.
April 1, 2010 // 15
THE LAST WORD
The Advice Goddess By Amy Alkon firstname.lastname@example.org Curtain maul
I'm a theater performer, and there’s a tendency among theater people that disturbs me: dreadful over-the-top flirting. I’m a portly, bearded guy pushing 40. At my last show, I was sitting in a seat minding my own business when a young woman in the cast I barely knew came and sat on my lap. I'm straight, so naturally, I enjoyed this. But, when I responded by putting my hand on her knee, she jumped up as if she’d been electrocuted and ignored me for the rest of the show’s run. Humiliating. To pre-empt that humiliation, is there a polite time, perhaps when rehearsals begin, to announce “I'm not your daddy or Santa Claus, and I'm not gay, so if any of you young ladies come sit on my lap, you might find my hand on your knee. Comport yourselves accordingly.” — Miscast
“Dear Advice Goddess, “I’m so troubled. Hot young women sit on my lap.” Well, definitely start wearing pants fitted with those spikes they use to keep pigeons off liquor store signs, or at least sew golf cleats to the front of your jeans. Or, if this sounds like a lot of bother, you could just consider yourself mildly lucky, and leave it at that. In your defense, it’s not like you’re some chronic knee molester, constantly dropping to all fours in rehearsals — all the better to grope the ingenue’s patella. You were apparently supposed to consider this a sort of static lap dance. (You don’t get to touch the stripper when you’re getting a lap dance — at least not without tossing her a couple extra hundreds.) Of course, in a strip club, the rules are clear. In drama group, it’s harder to differentiate between “I want you” lap-sits and look-but-don’t-touch “I want you to pay homage to hot little me.” There are many ways to communicate, but women who wish to avoid being misunderstood will find the spoken and written word far more effective than the silent language of butt cheeks on a man’s thigh. Let’s be honest: What disturbs you isn’t the “dreadful over-the-top flirting,” but the dreadful leaping up from your lap as if electrocuted. The answer isn’t making pre-emptive announcements — not unless you’re in some race to humiliate yourself before other people can get to it. You just
need to act like the kind of guy who’d be dangerous for a girl to tease. For a role model, I suggest the one-eyed, boozing, chain-smoking, gourmet food-hoovering poet/novelist Jim Harrison, who looks and sounds like the product of drunk sex between a pirate and a grizzly. At 73, with his mere presence, he makes young playerdudes seem to have all the sexual mojo of Julie Andrews. (As a woman, you get the sense that if you get too close, he just might grab you with one of his big paws, pop a truffle on you and wash you down with a swig of Spanish wine.) In other words, your problem isn’t that you’ve been humiliated, but that you’re acting humiliated, letting this girliepoo set the tone. Instead of hanging your head and hoping to evaporate, refuse to be shunned by teasing the tease: maybe pointing to your knee and asking if she’d like another ride on her new pony, or grinning and sticking out your hand, fingers wriggling, as if it might get loose and make another run for her leg. This should not only give you your superpowers back, but teach her an important lesson: If you’re over 12, and you plop down on a man’s lap, you aren’t going to be asked what you want for Christmas.
Men of haircolor
I’m a 30-something-year-old guy in decent shape, but my prematurely graying hair makes me look much older. Should I try some of that hair dye
for men I see at the drugstore? — Color Me Uninformed Men self-dyeing their graying hair are today’s version of bald men who thought they were fooling people while looking like a small animal dropped off a tree and landed on their head. It’s understandable that you don’t want to look “distinguished” in your 30s — a word 28-year-old girls use to describe their grandpa. But, what’s worse than going prematurely gray? Going prematurely the color of fresh baby eggplant, like so many do-it-yourself Mr. Clairols. Others go way too dark; for example, light-skinned Jewish guys who end up looking like they hair-robbed Benicio Del Toro. If you must dye, make tracks for the salon. But, consider the look of self-acceptance: seeming comfortable in your own skin (and gray hair). You might call this the other “Just For Men” — just for men who’d rather avoid being the guy who posted in a Web forum, “Just for Men hair color turned the skin around my mustace [sic] a reddish purple color. How do I fix this?” Amy Alkon's just-published book, "I see rude people: One woman's battle to beat some manners into impolite society" is available from McGraw-Hill ($16.95). Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, at AdviceAmy@aol.com. (c) 2010, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved.
Downtown La Crosse, above Fayzes - 782-6622
top shots joke of the week How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But he gets money, a car and three credits for it. Check out our new Beers on Tap!
Good People, Good Drinks, Good Times
$5 Pitchers $2 Bottles of Miller Products (11-4 pm) $2 Corona Bottles $2 Kilo Kai Mixers $3 Bloody’s (7-1am)
$1.75 - Miller/Bud Taps $2.25 Micro/Craft Taps $2.50 Cherry Bombs (7-1am)
$1.75 Rails $1.50 Domestic Taps $3.50 Jager Bombs (7-1am)
$2.00 - 1 Player, $3.00 - 2 Players 50 Cents Off Drinks, $1 Off Pitchers
WEDNESDAY $2 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Skyy/Absolute Mixers $2 Dr. Shots (7-1am)
THURSDAY FRIDAY 5 Domestic Bottles 4 $10 $5 Micro/Import Bottles $11.50, $7 Micro/Craft Pitchers (7-1am)
$5 Miller Lite/Bud Light Pitchers
SATURDAY $2.25 Leinies Bottles (7-1am)
$2 Captain Mixers $2 Long Islands $3 Effen Vodka Mixers (7-1am)
16// April 1, 2010
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Let us help you find a location: visit uscellular.com or call 1-888-BUY-USCC Things we want you to know: New two-year agreement (subject to early termination fee) and credit approval required. A $30 activation fee may apply. Regulatory Cost Recovery Fee applies; this is not a tax or government-required charge. Additional fees, taxes, terms, conditions and coverage areas apply and vary by plan, service and phone. Use of service constitutes acceptance of the terms of our Customer Service Agreement. See store for details or visit uscellular.com. BOGO: Buy one handset and get a second handset for free. Mail-in rebate and activation required on each handset. Promotional Phones subject to change. U.S. Cellular Visa Debit Card issued by MetaBank pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. Allow 10–12 weeks for processing. Card does not have cash access and can be used at any merchant location that accepts Visa Debit Cards. Card valid for 120 days after issued. Premium Mobile Internet Plan is $19.95 per month. Application and data network usage charges may apply when accessing applications. Mobile Broadband on 3G Network only available with select handsets. Users can expect an average download speed of 768Kbps and an average upload speed of 200Kbps. ©2010 U.S. Cellular.
Satire: 35 Walgreens to open in vacant downtown buildings