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ROCK&ROLL-WEIRDO ART-BAD IDEAS goblinko

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SUMMER # 15

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DINOS BOYS - DIRTY FENCES - HAMMERED SATIN ST. RIPPER - IAN MILLER - SKINNER -sean digger not suitable for squares!


PORK MAGAZINE #15 SUMMER 2014 BY SEAN & KATIE ÄABERG CONTRIBUTORS: AMELIA AN OK, Mykel board, jesse california, mAX CLOTT, CHICO FELIX, THOMAS FERNANDEZ, the forsley brothers, aNDREW GOLDFARB, jake kelly, BEN LYON, BOBBY MADNESS, J.J. McKAY, CHRIS PITTMAN, JAKE RAT, DANIEL SHOUP, TALLBOY, THE ILLAGE VIDIOT. MODELS: AMELIA HART, SAMMY CLATTERBUCK, LOS ÄABERG BROS, TIM GOODYEAR, TIM ROOT sPECIAL THANKS: THE PORK ARMY, the extended pork family, Otto, Henry & Jimmy, our distro points & our advertisers! ADVERTISE! sean@INTERNETPORK.COM or CALL 541*556*5778 PUBLISHED QUARTERLY. PORK #15: 35,000 PRINT RUN ALL CONTENT COPYRIGHT © 2014 GOBLINKO. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

for hr giger & david trampier internetpork.com 541*556*5778 PO Box 90296 porKland OR 97290 U$A

cries from the necromancer’s dungeoN

WE FACE AN ENEMY THAT IS MUNDANE & TWO-FACED. UNLIKE THE NECROMANCER WHO KEEPS ME LOCKED AWAY, DEEP UNDERGROUND, THOSE THAT OBLITERATE OUR WAY OF LIFE AREN’T INTERESTING ENOUGH TO BE EVIL. PERHAPS THEY HAVE HIDDEN SKELETAL HANDS CONTROLLING THEM FROM AFAR, BUT THAT DARKNESS IS NEVER SEEN & INSTEAD, THE DEMONIC ARMIES OF THE MUNDANE WEAR KHAKI & DROOL AT THE CHANCE FOR CASUAL FRIDAYS. ARMED WITH THE BLEACHING GAS OF BOREDOM & THE SLOW CHOKE OF CONFORMITY, THE SQUARES ARE SLOWLY WORKING AT SANDING AWAY THE EDGES & EASING THE RAINBOW INTO ONE UNIDENTIFIABLE COLOUR. WORSE, IT IS AN AGGRESSIVE, PERSISTENT, DOGGED MUNDANITY THAT SEEMS TO NEVER RUN OUT OF ENERGY. IT IS ENTROPY, SEEKING THE SLOW MUSH OF EVERYTHING.

THIS CURSED CONFORMITY IS ATTRACTED TO ANYTHING THAT STANDS OUT, AT FIRST SEEMING TO BE IN ADMIRATION OF IT, BUT SLOWLY & SURELY, IT GOES TO WORK, SUCKING THE COLOUR OUT OF IT, TURNING DOWN THE VOLUME, TONING DOWN THE ATTITUDE, TAKING OUT THE BONES, DESTUDDING THE LEATHER, ADDING RATIONAL CRITICISMS HERE & THERE & FINALLY ASSIMILATING WHAT WAS ONCE FIREY & REASON FOR LIVING INTO THE SAFE & PLACID STILLNESS THAT IS THE TOTALITARIAN COLLECTIVE OF EQUALITY. I PREFER THE WILD CACKLE OF THE POWER-HUNGRY NECROMANCER & HIS ARMIES OF UNDEATH, GOBLINS, WYVERNS & WIGHTS. I PREFER THE SWEAT & MUSCLE OF THE BARBARIAN FORCING HIS WAY THROUGH THE WORLD JUST TO PROVE THAT HE CAN & MAKING THE COLLECTIVE FEAR FOR ITS LIFE! WE MUST DESTROY THE ARMIES OF THE MUNDANE AT ANY COST & WITH EVERY ACTION! WE MUST ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTE FOR THAT WHICH MAKES LIFE WORTH LIVING! WE MUST TURN UP THE VOLUME!

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SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS!!! THEY’RE PUTTING THEIR MONEY WHERE THEIR MOUTH IS & HELPING TO SPREAD ROCK&ROLL, WEIRDO ART & BAD IDEAS ACROSS THE WORLD! TELL ‘EM PORK SENT YOU!

YOU MIGHT BE A TYPICAL PORK READER IF YOU’VE EVER STOLEN TOILET PAPER.


Gewalttätigen & Zie

rlichen!

by Sean Äaberg SUMMER WINO MOMENTS

As a terminal cheapskate, I became a friend with Carlo Rossi early on in my drinking career. As the years have slowly passed, I have gulped vast amounts of this cheap but delicious wine & Carlo Rossi Rhine has become the Porkland favorite. Rhine is a German Riesling white wine, with fruity tones & is lightly sweet & served chilled. Best of all you can get over a gallon of it for less than $10. Mix the Rhine wine with lime bubbly water & have everyone make fun of you!

occult candles

EAT ALL SQUID!

ALLEGED OIL

For a long time, I thought magic was bullshit, I thought God was a silly idea & I especially thought that burning candles to try & effect reality was a heap of malarkey. One day I was reading a book on Black Magic & I came to a section on drawing hexes. At around the same time I read Ramm:Ell:Zee’s treatise on Alpha’s Bet & freeing the letters from the wall. I suddenly realized that each piece of art I did could be a magic spell also. It became clear to me that whatever I did with intention, my own force of will would project that intention out into the world & things would begin to line up, & the more I got in tune with the world, the more I could affect reality with will.

Squid biomass has exceded that of humans & the terrifying monsters are now some of the most plentiful edible sea creatures on the earth. Despite being terrifying, quasidemonic, alien-like beasts, they are delicious, especially when fried as calamari. There is a cheap conveyor belt sushi place right around the corner from the PORK HAUS & the Lil Pigs go bonkers over seemingly endless, cheap, fried squid rings. Do your part & have some today!

A KATANA FOR EVERY HOME!

We were watching Gremlins a hundred times over Christmas & the importance of keeping a sword near your door became more clear with each viewing! The Lil Pigs got PORK MAMA Katie a katana for Mother’s Day so that she can cut off the ears of our enemies! A cheap katana costs about as much as a machete these days, which makes no sense, but there you go. Used to be I could get a good machete for four dollars at the Ashby fleamarket! That said, the katana doesn’t evoke the brutality of the machete, even though more blood has been drawn with them, & it’s a cool sword to have around the house in case any Gremlins are lurking around.

Magic oils go back throughout written human history. They are used to add a relevant perfume to candles, mojo bags, lucky rabbits’ feet, & are also for ritual annointing of power points on the body & also on statues & fetishes. Our own Slow Poisoner makes his own alleged oil which all the founding crew of PORK have drank & received remarkable, miraculous effects.

PATCH CLUB

We make a new patch every week, that’s how much we (or is it you?) love patches. Pictured in this issue’s Patch Club is: Skeleton Face Barbarian by 9 Lives, Pizza Cobra for Sizzle Pie by Cody Dirtyneedle, Fuck death by God Speed, KISS Rock&Roll Over from Angry Young & Poor, vintage Ozzy & Iron Maiden patches, Sizzle Pie’s Get Sliced Up & I Am the Black Wizards by PORK.

MAGIC SOAP

This magic soap is powered with the 7 African Powers. Usually depicted as Catholic Saints, the Seven African Powers are actually spirits of the dead from the seven different African tribes that were brought to Cuba as slaves. The 7 African Powers are called upon for help with spiritual evolution, overcoming obstacles, & cultivation of personal power.

SMITH & FORGE HARD CIDER

Cider is finally getting popular enough in the USA to be canned! This is a major advancement for cider in the USA, where the drink used to be largely unknown, but due to the pioneering efforts of Original American Cider Punks & the posers that travelled in their wake, cider is becoming an actual bullet knife! player in the alcoholic beverage market. This Smith & Forge hard Bullets are not just great for shooting! cider is damn good & easy to drink Nossir, you can also make them into belts, roach clips, pipes, necklaces, key chains, & cheap. Made Strong! bottle openers & knives! Everything cool!

LORD OF THE RINGS

Biker Rings. Aesthetically sound, street-legal, face smashers to make your fingers look fancy. Despite being more expensive & harder to find around than ever, we are actually living in a golden age of big nasty biker rings, which rings true, yes, it rings true. Pictured are a devil by Fine Light Trading, a rose by the Great Frog, Harlock Skull by Cospa, Ace of Spades by the Great Frog, Fuck You by Repop MFG, Star-Eyed Skull by the Great Frog, Skull & Snake & Hexagram by Big Joe’s Biker Rings.

jason necklace

Ch Ch Ch Ah Ah Ah! This radical evil hockey mask of the mindless Friday the 13th murderer Jason by Zanti Jewelry is totally brutal! vhs tape pin For horror & Show your devotion to the hockey fans golden age of home movie alike. watching with this dope VHS pin by Nightwatch Studios!

gumball poodle socks

We dig these loud socks by Gumball Poodle! Taking the Snotty Sayings “Mood Buttons” style approach to socks, Gumball Poodle has a pair of socks for whatever you’re feeling on any given day & they’re made in the USA! Today, i’m feeling sausage! & #$@%! Goddammit! Great for Roller Derby ladies!

ace of spades crop

This radical Ace of Spades crop from RockNRoll Sex Toys is the perfect tool for slapping the ass of the Witch Queen of PORK. First I use it to slap all the mail-order goblins out of the house, then when I get my old lady liquored up & stoned, it’s all over! My knee! Slap! Slap! Slap! The Ace of Spades will make its mark! Now this is getting me excited, get out of here!

vulture city apparel

Tuk from the Biters & Alex Hagen from the Ravagers have started up an apparel company called Vulture City. Tuk has been FLUNK LIFE T-SHIRTS hapi peas Inspired by & direct boot- PORK 15 is fueled by making tons of radical leather pieces legs of classic “Snotty Hapi Peas & Smith like this bracelet & Alex will be designing Sayings” t-shirts as worn Forge Cider.These t-shirts & other cool stuff. Buying gear by everyone in the 70s, Sriracha & Wasabi designed & made by guys in some of our favorite bands is one of the best things Flunk Life is the honest Peas are spicy you could do! stand to take & even if it’s enough to not be not, it’s funny. Wearing boring, crunchy as these loud, obnoxious fuck & not just like shirts will break the ice, mainlining carbs. like when I walk the dog The ultimate is if wearing my “Meaner you eat them both Than A Junkyard Dog” t- together, combinshirt & everyone is afraid ing the wasabi & of me or when my old sriracha flavors not lady is wearing her “Go unlike some of my To Bed With Motörhead” favorite sushi rolls. t-shirt, it’s the perfect Eating too many of opening for me, the close them didn’t seem to second. have any negative effects either!

CHARACTER STEINS

When I was crazily pushing my Medieval Punk culture into the Punk scene in the 90s, I got into the idea of “Combat Steins” which combined traditional beer steins with spikey biker rings & combat knives. That way you can drink & fight without putting down your drink! These character steins are the real world, craft equivelant with as many cool designs as you can imagine or want. I picked a couple of my favorite things to share.

SLIME SOCKS BY MISHKA

KIMONO MY HOUSE

Pictured is a Tetsuo from AKIRA cloisonne pin that I coveted & finally got from me mum when I was 13 or something. Kimono My House made a whole bunch of cool cloisonne badges with AKIRA, Urusei Yatsura, Dirty Pair, Captain Harlock & other designs back in the late 80s & you can still get them! PORK is stoked to have Kimono My House on board the PORK train! Make sure to visit them in Emeryville if you’re ever in the San Francisco Bay Area - they have the most crucial collection of Japanese toys & other things imaginable!

cool bottle openers

Once you’ve got enough beers in you that you aren’t paying attention to much else besides more beer, it’s nice to be jostled out of your pursuit of drowning in cheap suds by something like having to grasp a shapely, nude woman or a perverted hobgoblin or a skeleton before popping the cap off your next brew.

“Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!” -POO LO

MISHKA makes a lot of cool stuff like these radical “Slime Socks”. Given that I wear the same pants & vest every day, I gotta have variety in socks & t-shirts & I do, oh yes I do. But man, I’m the only one who sees the socks!

LEGENDARY FIGHTERS TOYS

These hefty 70mm fantasy figures by Tim Mee are reissues of their 80s Legendary Fighters that are reworked versions of a bunch of Marvel characters which you might recognize. These figures are dope. With three sons we’re always looking for cool toys & toys that we enjoyed playing with & my total favorite as a kid were small, plastic fantasy soldiers. For a while there you couldn’t find anything like this but for the last couple years, it’s like they’re smelling what PORK is been cooking & more & more cool toys have been coming out! Best of all these figures are made in the USA & relatively cheap being around $13 for a big bag of 32 fighters in two different colors.

doki doki dog

We’ve gone crazy in PORKLAND for the DOKI DOKI DOG! Make your own! Put peanut butter, hoisin & sriracha in a toasted bun. Then put your all-beef hot dog & garnish with diced onions & crushed pineapple! It’s a religious experience & a game changer!!! DOKI DOKI PANIC!!!


SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS!!! THEY’RE PUTTING THEIR MONEY WHERE THEIR MOUTH IS & HELPING TO SPREAD ROCK&ROLL, WEIRDO ART & BAD IDEAS ACROSS THE WORLD! TELL ‘EM PORK SENT YOU!

YOU MIGHT BE A TYPICAL PORK READER IF YOU’VE EVER CHIPPED A TOOTH OPENING A BEER BOTTLE.


THE AYATOLLAH OF ROCKAROLLA, THE VINYL SOLUTION, THE TROGLODYTE TASTE MAKER! LO - TENDER & NERVOUS ARTISTS! BOW DOWN BEFORE YOUR JUDGE, JURY & EXECUTIONER! I, ROCKY STARCRUSHER HAVE BEEN PRIED AWAY FROM EATING ROASTED MEAT, DRINKING MY FILL, PROWLING THE BADLANDS FOR ENEMIES TO RENDER IN PIECES & WENCHING WITH WOMEN RESILIENT ENOUGH TO RECEIVE THE RHYTHMIC BLOWS OF MY MIGHTY HAMMER TO SIT STILL & PONDER TO THE PATHETIC PLEAS & HALF REALIZED ODES TO WHATEVER IT IS THAT ARTISTS CRY ABOUT IN THEIR MOTHER’S BASEMENT. HERE I SIT & INSTEAD OF PLACING THE GLORIES OF JUDAS PRIEST, IRON MAIDEN, FRAZETTA & KIRBY IN MY SKULL, I MUST GIVE CONSIDERATION TO YOUR DAMNED OUTPOURING! WHAT GODS DO YOU SERVE? WHAT LIFE DO YOU LIVE? TO WHAT GREAT DEPTHS ARE YOU WILLING TO GO & TO WHAT HEIGHTS DARE YOU SOAR? GIVE ME A REASON TO PUT ON YOUR RECORD INSTEAD OF “RAINBOW RISING”! ON WHAT BATTLEFIELD WILL YOU DIE? OR WILL YOU DIE IN THE GARAGE WHEN YOU ARE BETTER SUITED TO DIE IN THE GUTTER! AT LEAST THERE IS POETRY IN SUCH A PATHETIC DEMISE. ARE YOU PREPARED TO HAVE YOUR ARTISTIC HEAD & HANDS SEVERED FOR DARING TO RELEASE SUCH TRIFLING FANTASIES INTO MY GREAT HALL? AS I LAY ON THE SKIN OF A BEAR ONLY HALF AS BARBAROUS AS MYSELF, IN FRONT OF A FIRE WHICH IS ONLY A PALE METAPHOR FOR MY LIFE SPIRIT, DOES YOUR ART HAVE THE RAW MATERIA TO EVEN BEGIN TO FUEL MY FIRE? IF YOU DON’T, YOU WILL NOT KNOW, BECAUSE AS IN DEATH, IT WILL COME UNANNOUNCED. INSTEAD, HERE ARE THE THINGS I HAVE ENJOYED. YOURS IN ROCK, ROCKY STARCRUSHER

THE GAGGERS - RIP YOU OFF

PLEASURE GALLOWS - CASSETTE

IRON REAGAN - WORSE THAN...

THE BAD ENGRISH / PONX ATTAX

frantix - my dad’s a fuckin’...

MOLDY CASTLE - KNOW YE NOT...

THE GAGGERS HACK UP SHORT, SHRILL GOBS OF OBNOXIOUS, ANNOYING, ROCK&PUNK AS SATISFYING AS A BILIOUS GREEN LOOGY LANDING ON THE SCHOOL VICE PRINCIPAL’S BALD SPOT. SEEMINGLY RECORDED USING A BUNCH OF TIN CANS & A CELL PHONE, THIS FORM OF MUSIC DOESN’T REQUIRE AUDIOPHILE PRETENSE TO GET THE POINT ACROSS. THESE DEAD BOYS PLAYING WITH TOY DOLLS MAKE ME WANNA GAG DOWN A BAG OF YELLOWS!

STREET PUNK POGO ATTACK! I LOVE SELF-CONSCIOUS CHAOS PUNK! DENVER’S THE BAD ENGRISH PLAY BOUNCY HARDCORE PUNK THAT REALLY REMIND ME OF YOUTH BRIGADE WHO I USED TO LISTEN TO A LOT! PONX ATTAX FROM MINNEAPOLIS ARE SNOTTY & SNARLY WITH ROTTEN TEETH! DEFINITELY GREAT BANDS LIVE FOR THE FULL ON CHARGED HAIR, SPIKES, STUDS, LEATHER & DRUNK FUCKS FLYING ALL OVER PUNK ROCK TRADITION! OI!

MY FAVORITE CARTOONIST VAUGHN BODE DIED IN A MYSTICAL EXPERIMENT WITH A PLEASURE GALLOWS, & THIS ART-DAMAGED RAW PUNK EVOKES AUTO-EROTIC ASPHYXIATION, BUZZ-COCKING OF MY RUDIMENTARY PENI. OAKLAND SCUM, RAW, BURNT, BAD PUNK ROCK. TROUBLE. THESE GUYS WENT ALL OUT WITH THE PACKAGING, A HEAVY CARDBOARD CASSINGLE SLEEVE WITH CRAZY FOIL EMBOSSED DICKS & A LYRIC COMIC BOOK INSIDE. 2/10

ALTERNATIVE TENTACLES HAS REISSUED THESE CLASSIC KILLED BY DEATH, COLORADO PUNK RECORDINGS. ONE OF THE FUCKED UP THINGS ABOUT LISTENING TO ALL OF THESE FUCKING RECORDS IS THAT WE GET THESE REISSUES & I IMMEDIATELY STOP & GO, “WOW, THIS IS GREAT!” THEN AS I’M LISTENING I REALIZE I KNOW THE RECORD ALREADY & MY EXCITEMENT DIMINISHES BECAUSE OF COURSE NEW BANDS DON’T SOUND THIS COOL.

WE CAUGHT THESE MEAT-HEADS PLAYING WITH GHOUL IN PORKLAND. I WAS IMPRESSED BY THEIR TRUE SPIRIT OF THRASH WHICH TRANSPORTED ME BACK TO SWEATY SHOWS AT THE OMNI. UNLIKE SO MANY BANDS THAT HAVE TAKEN AN EXODUS FROM READING THE OLD TESTAMENT, IRON REAGAN ARE GUZZLING THAT HAIRY, LEATHERY, DENIM-CLAD METAL FROM THE SOURCE, STARTING THE PIT LIKE MOSES PARTING THE RED SEA.

MOLDY CASTLE ARE A HEAVY, STONEY SCUM ROCK OUTFIT FROM OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON. THEY DRAW COMICS & WORK AT OLD SCHOOL PIZZERIA & ARE HOLDING IT DOWN IN THAT FUNNY TOWN. THEY GOT A MAJOR BLUE OYSTER CULT FETISH & PROBABLY PLAY DUNGEONS & DRAGONS WITHOUT THE RULES, TAKING RIPS OUT OF A CERAMIC SKELETON HEAD BONG, STARING AT BUGBEAR MINIATURES THROUGH THE SMOKE, DISCUSSING INTERPLANAR TRAVEL.

LAST SACRAMENT - ENANTIODROMIA ENANTIODROMIA IS A JUNGIAN CONCEPT WHERE A SUPER ABUNDANCE OF ONE FORCE CREATES ITS OPPOSITE. I’M PRETTY IN TUNE WITH THIS IDEA & IT IS A CONSTANT OPERATOR IN MY LIFE. LAST SACRAMENT PLAY SUPER-HEAVY DEATH METAL WITH REALLY FUCKIN’ WILD GUITAR TONES & SCALES THAT ARE LIKE CRAZIER VERSIONS OF SLAYER & BOLT THROWER SOLOS WHICH SEND SHIVERS UP MY SPINE. THE GUITAR SOLOS REALLY DO IT FOR ME.

EVACUATE - OUR LIVES

THE SLIZZ - LESS THAN HUMAN

DEAD SKULL - BLAM

WHITE MYSTERY - DOUBLE DRAGON

SHARKS FROM MARS - ST

DEATH - LEPROSY

STEEL PANTHER - ALL YOU CAN...

BAT - PRIMITIVE AGE

P.R.O.B.L.E.M.S.

TAR BABY - HEAVY GURPING

THE SHRINE - BLESS OFF

BLACK LINEN - DEMO

THE MEATMEN - SAVAGE SAGAS

EXAR KUN - DEMO

STICKY VALENTINES - DEMO

THEE CORMANS/THE PACIFICS 7”

SERIAL KILLERS - ROADSIDE REN...

RIGG & RATT BY STOREY & SMITH

NIGHTWATCH ZINE

SAVAGE #1 BY RILEY SWIFT

RAT SPIKE BY ANDREW SCULLY

BORROWING ITS NAME FROM THE SUPER CULT JOHN BLANCE & IAN MILLER ART BOOK, RATSPIKE IS A GREAT COMIC BOOK THAT ALL THE KIDS SHOULD READ. ISSUE 2 FEATURES A HORROR STORY ABOUT TEENAGE HESSIAN GRAVEYARD LURKERS & THEIR GRISLY DEMISE & A VOIVODIAN TALE OF ALIEN WARFARE. ANDREW SCULLY RIFFS HEAVILY OFF OF A LOT OF GREAT LESSER-KNOWN 80S B&W COMIX THAT I WAS OBSESSED WITH AS A KID & SNAKEBOMB DID A GREAT PRINT JOB ON THE WHOLE THING. LOOKING FORWARD TO #3.

AT THE PARK WE were approached by a man in black who said “Hey! The PORK Family!” & he gave us this zine. The first half is interviews with PorKland business owners Merrick Monroe (Sequential Art Gallery, Bridge City Comics) & Jon Horrid (Lovecraft Bar) & the whole second half is a reprint of Movie Monster makeup instructions for kids by Alan Ormsby from 1975. Sinister Press is FREE. HANG OUT AT THE PARK UNTIL YOU GET ONE!

Sinister Press #5

HOUND - OUT OF TIME

R. STOREY FLYER ART COLLECTION

DESTROYING ANGELS ZINE

BASURA ZINE

VIDEO TONFA ZINE

SLINGSHOT NEWSPAPER

MAXIMUMROCKNROLL

THE INTRUDER

TAT RAT - CAMERON FORSLEY

SKAVEN - DISCOGRAPHY

THE SAVAGE SWORD OF CONAN

V/H/S & V/H/S/2

ZACHARY JAMES - CHAINS 7”

RELAPSE HAS REISSUED & REMASTERED THIS CLASSIC 1988 DEATH METAL ALBUM & IT SOUNDS GREAT. I’VE LOVED DEATH METAL SINCE IT FIRST CAME CRAWLING OUT OF FLORIDA, BUT AS TIME HAS PASSED & THE PROGRESSION OF “EXTREME” MUSIC HAS COME & GONE, ONLY THE BEST BANDS SURVIVE & UPON RELISTENING, DEATH ARE AS POWERFUL & INTERESTING AS EVER. AS CREATORS OF THE SOUND THEY ARE ALSO THE LEAST CUT, MOST PURE EXPRESSION OF FUCKING DEATH METAL. SICK COVER BY METAL MASTER ED REPKA.

BLACK LINEN ARE A PSYCHEDELIC, BUBBLEGUM, FREAK-BEAT, MOD GROUP FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA FEATURING RANDY & PIETRO OF THE BOOZE & ADAM ANZIO. THEY EVOKE ITALIAN 60S MOVIES & EVEN REMIND ME OF THE GORILLAZ AT TIMES, WHICH IS A GOOD THING. I REALLY DIG ALL THESE ATLANTA CATS & WE CAN’T WAIT TO BRING PORK TO GEORGIA & I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THE VIDEO RAHIM VIDEO FOR BLACK LINEN!

FAR-OUT, FUCKED UP, FREAK BROTHERS RIGG & RATT ARE A COUPLE OF STONEY BOLOGNAS LURKING & JERKING THROUGH MOLDY NOOKS & CRANNIES OF THE INBETWEEN LANDS. TOKED OUT, SMOKED OUT & LOC’D OUT, RIGG & RATT ARE OBVIOUS TYPICAL PORK READERS LIKE NONE OTHER. STOREY & SMITH ARE MEMBERS OF MOLDY CASTLE, OLYMPIA’S PREMIER HEAVY ROCK ACT & PIZZERIA BURN-OUTS. STOREY’S DRAWINGS ARE FUCKING GREAT & SMITH’S WORDS AIN’T HALF BAD EITHER. DIGGUM.

GOT THE 2012 & 2013 COLLECTIONS OF FLYER ART BY REUBEN STOREY OF OLYMPIA’S MOLDY CASTLE, RIGG & RATT & OLD SCHOOL PIZZERIA WHO NEED TO TAKE OUT A FUCKING AD IN PORK MAGAZINE. GREAT BLACK&WHITE DRAWINGS TRACED STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BROKEN PROMISES OF COLLEGE TOWNS THAT HAVE FORGOTTEN THE DREAM & DON’T DELIVER ON THE FREEDOM TO BE FREAKY & GET AWAY WITH IT. THIS IS ART THAT SCARES YUPPIES, SQUARES & ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE THAT RUINED AMERICA. ON THE STREETS. FROM SNAKEBOMB.

EVERYTIME I GO TO SEATTLE MAX CLOTT (PORK COMICS ARTIST OF HOBOBOT) GIVES ME A BUNCH OF THE NEW INTRUDER COMICS NEWSPAPERS. DEFYING THE SQUARE BELIEF IN THE DEATH OF PRINT, THE INTRUDER IS A ROTTEN BEEF INJECTION OF SCREWY COMICS INTO THE INCREASINGLY ANTISEPTIC MILITARY INDUSTRIAL TECH COMPLEX SEATTLE. THIS IS WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS. YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET A SIX INCH STACK OF FUCKED UP FREE NEWSPAPERS IN EVERY CITY. KEEP INTRUDING, INTRUDER, UNTIL THE WORLD IS INTRUDED.

NAMED FOR THE CHELSEA TUNE, EVACUATE PLAY RAGING HARDCORE STREET PUNK WITH MIKE VIRUS ON VOCALS. I PARTICULARLY DUG THE LYRICS FOR “OUR LIVES” WHICH ARE ALL ABOUT KNOWING YOURSELF & DOING THINGS YOUR OWN WAY & NOT LISTENING TO ALL THE PEOPLE TRYING TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO! YES! IMPORTANT! THE B-SIDE “RAGE” IS ABOUT USING YOUR ANGER TO DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO WHICH I ALSO AGREE WITH.

STEEL PANTHER ARE A CARTOON HAIR METAL BAND THAT STARTED AS A VAN HALEN TRIBUTE BAND & HAVE TRANSFORMED INTO A HAIR COMEDY GROUP. NOT UNLIKE WITH PERSONAL & THE PIZZAS, THE COMEDY ALLOWS STEEL PANTHER TO GET CLOSER TO THE TRUE LOVE & EXPRESSION OF HAIR METAL BY GOING AS FAR OUT AS POSSIBLE INTO THE GENRE WITHOUT TAKING THEMSELVES SERIOUSLY OR FEARING RIDICULE FOR BELIEVING IN HAIR, WHICH THEY DO, BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY, REALLY GOOD!

TESCO VEE THE DUTCH HERCULES IS BACK WITH A BUNCH OF GREAT MEATHEAD PUNK ROCK DESIGNED TO PISS OFF ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT ANYTHING. THIS TESCO VEE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS PUNK THING SINCE THE BEGINNING! PISSING OFF EVERYONE IN MICHIGAN & BEYOND WITH GREAT, STUPID, CARTOONISH LYRICS & LOUD, STUPID, ANNOYING PUNK ROCK. THE MEATMEN REMIND OF WHEN CABLE TV WAS A REBELLION AGAINST BROADCAST TV & RHONDA & GILBERT KEPT ME UP ALL NIGHT WATCHING STUPID MOVIES.

TALLBOY & KRUSTY PUT OUT A MEAN WEIRDO-ART ZINE THAT COVERS THE SCENE THAT IS INFECTED & GREEN. WITH THEMES LIKE EYEBALLS, BARF, DEATH & TITS & ASS, NIGHTWATCH PUTS THE LOW IN LOWBROW, DIPPING INTO THE GUTTER & COMING UP WITH A CAST OF FUCKED UP INK SLINGERS SUCH AS THE SWAMP WIZARDS, MANY PORK MAGAZINE CONTRIBUTORS & A RANGE OF SCARY DRAWINGS THAT WILL BE REPLENISHING THE THEMES OF JAILBIRD SCRATCHERS FROM HERE ON OUT. YOU CAN GET IT AT THE PORK SHOP.

IT HAS BEEN A WHILE SINCE DENNIS DREAD HAS UNLEASHED A NEW DESTROYING ANGELS ZINE INTO THE UNIVERSE, BUT IF YOU’VE MISSED THEM, WHICH YOU HAVE, DESTROYING ANGELS IS ONE OF THE BEST METAL PUNK ART ZINES IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THAT IS ZINES. DENNIS IS A RADICAL DUDE, FAMOUS FOR DOING RECORD COVERS FOR DARKTHRONE IN HIS ALL BIC-PEN STYLE & THE AWESOME ENTARTETE KUNTS ART SHOWS & BOOK THAT BROUGHT TOGETHER THE WORLD’S MOST CULT METAL PUNK ARTISTS. COLLECT THEM ALL!

REALLY RADICAL PSYCHEDELIC GARBAGE COMICS FROM THE RARE RESERVES OF SAN FRANCISCO SCUM THAT HAVEN’T BEEN BLEACHED OUT OF THAT CITY BY THE CYBER SQUARES. NEW PORK COMICS ARTIST CAMERON FORSLEY DRAWS IN AN ADVANCED LEVEL OF PSYCHEDELIC WEIRDO JAIL STYLE SCRAMBLE SCRAWL NOT UNLIKE THE MOST FUCKED UP VARIATIONS OF BOBBY MADNESS’ COMICS. THE COVER IS PARTICULARLY CRAZY WITH A DIMENSIONALLY VORPING DOG GETTING WAY OUT IN AN ACID DRENCHED FRISCO FRESCO.

I’M A SLIZZY GUY SO I KNOW THE DEAL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THE SLIZZ PLAY ROCKIN’ PUNK WITH THAT PRE-HARDCORE, BEFORE THE RULES WERE HARD & FAST KILLED BY DEATH FEELING TO IT. BOTTLE BREAKING, SKAG INJECTING, BLACK CANDLE BURNING PUNK, THE KIND OF PUNK THAT KILLS ITSELF & OTHER PEOPLE WITH A MIX OF AVANT GARDE THEATRICALITY & STREET VIOLENCE. IN THE STAGE PERFORMANCE OF LIFE, IT IS GOOD TO BE THE SLIZZ.

YES. THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR. RAW BLACKENED MOTOR METAL FILLED WITH VENOM & ICHOR. DESPITE THIS BAT BEING FROM A PRIMITIVE AGE, THE SOUND IS VERY NOW FOR PORK READERS WHO HUNGER FOR RAW, STREET ROCKING METAL THAT INSPIRES THEM TO WEAR DENIM, LEATHER & SPIKES & RIDE INTO THE NIGHT LIKE DEMONS FROM HELL! FLY WITH LEATHERY WINGS & FEAST ON THE UNSUSPECTING SQUARES!

Exar Kun is MARYLAND AREA PORK Brother Julian Comanda & Ross Brubeck’s far-out DOUBLE BASS, Heavy Metal project. I DISCOVERED THAT EXAR KUN IS ALSO SOME FUCKING STAR WARS THING FROM THE FAKE STAR WARS USING MY INTERTUBE. THE TAPE OPENS UP WITH A BASS LINE THROUGH A HARMONIZER WHICH IS PRETTY TIGHT & THEN IT STARTS THRASHING INTO A METAL BASS JOURNEY THROUGH SPACE. EVEN THOUGH I HATE COMPUTER DRUMS, EXAR KUN MANAGES TO OVERRIDE THE ROBOT WITH CRAZY BASS EXPLORATIONS THAT ROCK.

WITH WORDS BY PHIL LYNOTT & ROBERT E. HOWARD, SAVAGE IS A PSYCHEDELIC ROCK&ROLL BARBARIAN COMIC JOURNEY OF SWORDS & SERPENTS. IF HEAD-SHOPS WERE STILL DOING THEIR JOBS SAVAGE WOULD BE BEING SOLD THERE NEXT TO THE ROLLING PAPERS COS THIS SHIT IS OUTHOUSE SMOKEOUT READING MATERIAL LIKE NONE OTHER. ROLL IT & READ IT. PRINTED IN BLACK & RED, I WANT SOME CRAZIER BLACKLIGHT COLORS NEXT TIME ALRIGHT?

BASURA IS A TRASHY ART ZINE FEATURING THE SKULLS, SCUM & GARBAGE OF JOSEPH CALDERON, CHRISTOPHER TEJADA, ALVIN PIETZSCH, CYNTHIA CERON, ELI ARRINGTON (AS SEEN IN PORK 14) & ANDREW SIFUENTES. FILTH, DECAY & DESPERATION FILL THE PAGES IN WHAT SHOULD BE CONSIDERED THE TRUE, HONEST ART FORM OF THE POVERTY PLANET EARTH. IF YOU DON’T RELATE TO THIS, YOU’RE READING THE WRONG MAGAZINE.

SKULD HAS RELEASED THIS KILLER COLLECTION OF CRUST METAL PUNK FROM OAKLAND! SKAVEN WERE ONE OF MY FAVORITE BAY AREA BANDS IN THE 90S, PLAYING BLACKENED CRUST PUNK THAT FANS OF VENOM & AMEBIX & HELLBASTARD WILL LOVE. NAMED FOR THE CHAOS RATMEN IN WARHAMMER, MIKEY & ZEB OF SKAVEN WERE BROTHERS IN THE SMALL GROUP OF OAKLAND WARHAMMER PUNKS WHO WOULD HANG OUT AT THE ART OF WAR. ZEB’S VOCALS ARE GREAT, HE SOUNDS LIKE A RAT VOMITING BLOOD & THIS RECORD BRINGS BACK A LOT OF SMELLY MEMORIES!

I GET THIS AC/DC MEETS BLACK FLAG FEELING FROM DEAD SKULL WHO ARE A COUPLE OF BROTHERS FROM A FUCKED UP PLACE CALLED KNIFE RIVER WHERE THEY UNDOUBTEDLY SPENT TIME WALKING IN THE WOODS, SETTING STUFF ON FIRE & STEALING SLIM JIMS & CAFFEINE PILLS. CHEAP, BASIC THRILLS FOR THE BAD KIDS. LET’S GO OUT TO THAT CLEARING & FIND THE DEAD SKULL.

WHILE MUCH OF THE COUNTRY THINKS PORTLAND IS A PLACE WHERE WHINEY 40 YEAR OLD VEGANS RIDE BIKES, DON’T HAVE KIDS & EAT WACKY DONUTS, THE REAL PORTLAND, PORKLAND, IS A PLACE WHERE ROCK&ROLL RULES, BIKERS, PUNKS, METAL-HEADS & SKATERS SMOKE WEED UNDER THE BRIDGES & LISTEN TO MOTORHEAD & THIS IS WHERE P.R.O.B.L.E.M.S. COME FROM. FEATURING MANY BATTLE-HARDENED VETERANS OF PORTLAND PUNK ROCK. IF YOU DON’T LISTEN TO P.R.O.B.L.E.M.S. YOU GOT PROBLEMS.

RELOCATED TO OAKLAND FROM CHICAGO LIKE A ROLLING STONE FALLING THROUGH A VELVET UNDERGROUND THAT STARTS TO SOUND A LITTLE LIKE ITS FUCKING WITH SOME OF THOSE HANOI ROCKS. THEY GOT THE RIGHT INFLUENCES & THEY GOT GOOD SONGS & ALL THEY NEED TO DO IS TIGHTEN IT UP, HIT HARDER & DELIVER THE GOODS. STICK AROUND STICKY VALENTINES & REMEMBER THAT ROCK&ROLL IS ABOUT FUCKING.

TIM GOODYEAR THE ILLAGE VIDIOT IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE REVIEWER & THAT’S WHY HE’S IN PORK MAGAZINE. YOU’VE BEEN READING HIS VIDEO TONFAS IN EVERY PORK FOR YEARS NOW, SO I DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, BUT TIM REALLY EXPRESSES THE CORRECT LOVE FOR VIDEOS, WHICH IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN NEW MOVIE CULTURE. I LOVE DIGGING THROUGH GARBAGE FOR THE OFF CHANCE THAT I’LL FIND A GEM, OR THAT THERE WILL BE A GEM HIDDEN IN A HEAP OF SHIT MOVIE & THE VIDEO TONFA IS OUR GUIDE THROUGH THE SHIT.

MARVEL STARTED PUBLISHING COMICS MAGAZINES IN THE 70S TO GET AROUND THE VOLUNTARY SELFCENSORSHIP OF THE COMICS CODE & SO THEY COULD COMPETE WITH THE WARREN COMICS MAGAZINES & OTHER RADICAL SCHLOCK. COMICS MAGAZINES ARE FUCKING COOL & TO HAVE A BUNCH OF TITLES DEVOTED TO CONAN JUST SHOWS HOW MUCH BETTER TIMES WERE BACK THEN. THE STAND-OUT IN THIS ISSUE (#34) IS A MIKE PLOOG STORY THAT’S JUST FUCKING GORGEOUS. I SAY FROM HERE ON OUT, LESS ART DAMAGE, MORE BARBARIANS.

4-20 HAS COME & GONE SO THAT MEANS WE GET A NEW WHITE MYSTERY RECORD! THE GINGER BROTHER & SISTER ROCK&ROLL DUO OF ALEX & FRANCIS WHITE MAKE A BIG, WARM, PSYCHEDELIC, FREAK-BEAT SOUND THAT IS WEIRDLY OR NOT WEIRDLY SIMILAR TO THE WHITES’ BIG RED HAIR. AS A SIBLING DUO THEY GOT A CLOSENESS THAT ALSO REALLY COMES THROUGH IN THE TUNES & IS GREAT TO HEAR & SEE. THE VIDEO FOR THE TITLE TRACK IS GREAT TOO, FEATURING A FUTURE PORK ARMY MEMBER IN CHINATOWN!

SUPER HEAVY SABBATH WORSHIP, SOUTHERN FRIED STONER ROCK FROM THE HAUNTED SWAMPS OF PORKLAND. DOWNTUNED GUITARS & FUZZED OUT, CRUNCHY BASS SOUND LIKE A SKELETON CRAWLING OUT OF HEROIN MOLASSES OR LIKE LIQUID GOLD IN A DEEP FRYER. TAR BABY PERSONNEL HAVE NAMES LIKE BRER FOX, BRER BEAR & BRER CHICKEN. THEY’VE GOT SONGS CALLED “I OM ME” & “AAHZEE” & LYRICS ABOUT GOD, THE DEVIL, FRIED CHICKEN & WATERMELON. FILE IN THE BRIAR PATCH.

THEE CORMANS ARE A BUNCH OF TYPICAL PORK READERS. SCUM SURFERS DREDGED UP FROM THE RACE TRACKS & WACK SHACKS OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. THEIR “BIG TWINS FOREVER” IS A BLAZING SURF INSTRUMENTAL THAT’S LIKE CATCHING A CURL IN A JUNK YARD WITH USED OIL INSTEAD OF WATER. MESSY, SCARY, FUN. THE PACIFICS DELIVER THE ROCKIN’, KNUCKLE DRAGGING “CAVEMAN” PERFECT FOR CLOBBERING THAT PEBBLES FOR SOME BAM BAM .

I’M A UNITER, NOT A DIVIDER & I HAVE SOME LOVE FOR & HISTORY WITH THIS LONG-RUNNING BERKELEY ANARCHIST NEWSPAPER. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT POLITICS WILL DIVIDE US & HOPE THAT ONE DAY WE WILL SEE EYE TO EYE. SLINGSHOT IS ONE OF THE LEAST IDEOLOGICALLY PURE ANARCHIST PAPERS OF ALL TIME, HISTORICALLY GOING FOR THE “WINGNUT” APPROACH BUT IT COVERS THINGS THAT ANARCHISTS OBSESS OVER LIKE SQUATTING, IDENTITY POLITICS, IMMIGRANT RIGHTS & ECOLOGICAL ACTIVISM.

THE VHS HORROR MOVIES ARE ANTHOLOGIES OF HORROR SHORTS FRAMED AS FOUND FOOTAGE IN A HAUNTED VIDEOSCAPE. “REAL” VIDEO IS A GREAT MEDIUM FOR HORROR BECAUSE REALITY IS SCARIER THAN THE WAY THEY SHOOT MOST HORROR MOVIES THESE DAYS, TRYING TO LOOK LIKE REALITY. VHS II WAS THE BEST SO FAR WITH ZOMBIES, ALIEN ABDUCTION & A REALLY THRILLING CULT COMPOUND SHORT THAT HAD ME ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT! IT WAS LIKE ALL MY FANTASIES ABOUT WHAT REALLY GOES ON AT HARE KRISHNA TEMPLES AT NIGHT COME TO LIFE!

SHARKS FROM MARS ARE A ROCK&ROLL PARTY BAND WHO’VE BEEN PLAYING PORK PARTIES FOR A WHILE NOW. SINGER/GUITARIST RUSS LONDON’S SLURRED YODEL YELLING VOCALS ARE VERY DISTINCTIVE, & BASS PLAYER LUCAS IS A PORK MAIL ORDER GOBLIN. THE BAND ARE VERY LOUD. WITH THIS NEW RECORD & A SOLIDIFIED LINEUP THE SHARKS FROM MARS ARE READY TO START GOBBLING UP THE COMPETITION IN A FEEDING FRENZY! DIG THE COVER DESIGN BY PORK BROTHER MATT STANGER!

AS WE GET FURTHER FROM THE DIVISION OF ROCK&ROLL INTO SUBSTRATAS, A MORE HONEST MUSIC IS BEING BORN & IT’S A GREAT TIME FOR US BIG TENT ROCKERS. THE SHRINE HAVE GREAT PUNK ROCK ENERGY & GREAT HEAVY ROCK SWAGGER & SOUL WITH KILLER RIFFAGE & A PSYCHEDELIC PROPULSION THAT FEELS LIKE SKATING OR SMOKING A BIG BOWL & JUST GOING WHERE IT TAKES YOU. PRETTY RADICAL LOGO TOO WHICH IS IMPORTANT.

REPTILLIAN RECORDS HAS REISSUED THIS CLASSIC PHILADELPHIA SHOCKROCK TYPE PUNK RECORD. IN THE VEIN OF GG ALLIN, THE MENTORS & GWAR, SERIAL KILLERS GO FOR SUBJECTS IMPLIED BY THEIR NAME. IF THE GUYS WHO PLACED LIVE ACTS IN 80S HORROR MOVIES CLUB SCENES WERE CORRECT, THEY’D PUT THE SERIAL KILLERS IN THE SHITTY CLUB WHERE THE GIRL WHO’S GOING TO GET ATTACKED IS HANGING OUT. MUSIC FOR KIDS WITH THEIR ROOMS PAINTED BLACK.

HOUND IS A HARD ROCK&ROLL BAND OUT OF PHILADELPHIA FEATURING T-SHIRT WEARER PERRY SHALL ON GUITAR & VOCALS. COOL NAME, COOL SONGS, COOL SOUND. THERE’S A LITTLE HEAVY, DOOM & STONER CREEPING AROUND THE CORNERS BUT THEY MANAGE TO STICK TO PRETTY STRAIGHT FORWARD HARD ROCK THE WHOLE TIME. I SMELL SABBATH & DANZIG ON THIS DOG’S BREATH & THAT WORKS FOR ME! LET LOOSE THE HOUNDS!!!

I’VE BEEN READING THIS FUCKING ZINE SINCE 1988 BUT HAVE READ EVERY SINGLE ISSUE SINCE #1. I’VE NEVER DUG THEIR REPRESSIVE NEW-LEFT TENDENCIES & FEEL LIKE THEIR POLITICS TAINT THE WHOLE OPERATION, BUT IT’S A BIG WORLD & EVEN IF IT TAKES A HUNDRED VOLUNTEER SHITWORKERS TO GET THIS THING OUT THE DOOR EVERY MONTH, THERE’S BILLIONS OF PEOPLE ON THE PLANET WHO CAN MAKE THEIR OWN ZINES. MRR IS A COMMONS FOR THE PUNKS & THAT IS WORTH A SUBSCRIPTION & PARTICIPATION. THE TYPE IS BIG.

ZACHARY JAMES & ALEXANDRA TAKE US BACK UNDER THE BOARDWALK WITH THE SPECTRE OF AN OLDIES TREATMENT THAT IS SYRUP ON TOP & THE DARKNESS OF LA UNDERNEATH. OR MAN, MAYBE THIS IS SANTA CRUZ, SINCE WE’RE AT THE BOARDWALK & THERE’S VAMPIRES IN A CRAZY CAVE DOWN BY THE BEACH. THE BSIDE “DON’T LET THEM GET ME” IS A PARANOID POWER-POP EAR PRICKER ABOUT ALIEN ABDUCTION READY FOR RADIO! I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTELLO TO MAKE THIS RECORD, BUT WHATEVER CHEAP TRICKS IS BEING USED THEY WORK!

REVIEW SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: STICK TWO COPIES IN A MAILER & SEND THEM OUR WAY. WE DON’T CARE ABOUT FORMAT BUT VINYL IS BETTER. WE DON’T USUALLY READ PRESS RELEASES BECAUSE WE ARE THE MEDIA. PATCHES, STICKERS, BUTTONS & POSTERS ARE A GOOD IDEA TO KEEP THE MAIL ORDER GOBLINS ENTERTAINED. DON’T SEND US SHIT WE’RE NOT GOING TO LIKE & WASTE OUR & YOUR FUCKING TIME. IT’S OBVIOUS WHAT WE LIKE HERE, IT’S WHAT WE DO. FIGURE IT OUT. NOW YOU DO IT TOO.

PORK: POBOX 90296 PORKLAND OREGON 97290 U$A

“Do not worry about holding high position; worry rather about playing your proper role.” -CONFUCIUS


SUPPORT OUR ADVERTISERS!!! THEY’RE PUTTING THEIR MONEY WHERE THEIR MOUTH IS & HELPING TO SPREAD ROCK&ROLL, WEIRDO ART & BAD IDEAS ACROSS THE WORLD! TELL ‘EM PORK SENT YOU!

YOU MIGHT BE A TYPICAL PORK READER IF YOU’VE EATEN PIZZA FOR ALL THREE MEALS.


“Do not worry about holding high position; worry rather about playing your proper role.” -CONFUCIUS


ST. RIPPER ARE A POST-APOCALYPTIC, ROAD WARRIOR, GIRL GANG ROCK&ROLL BAND FROM THE WASTES OF BOSTON. THEY ARE TOUGH, THEY LIKE TO PARTY, THEY DIG WEAPONS & LEATHER. ST. RIPPER ARE ABOUT Being true to yourself, & not taking shit from anybody, WHICH IS WHAT PORK IS ABOUT. INTERVIEW BY CHRIS PITTMAN OF WKSJ. CHRIS: You guys have been around for a while now; can you please give me a rundown of the history of your band? ELAINE: It all started with the first time I ever saw Amanda sing, she was doing a duet with MORE BEER PLEASE, and when I heard her voice and saw her sing for the first time it was like that scene in Wayne’s World when Wayne sees Cassandra for the first time. I knew that I was put on this earth to be in a band with this woman. I had just started playing guitar and we didn’t have a drummer or a band at all yet. It was like a beam of light shot down and I just knew I need to start a band. We mentioned to Jen Millis that we were playing music and she said she would learn bass and knew someone who had a drum set so we started. JEN: Yeah and four drummers in two and a half years later here we are! CHRIS: How did you come up with the name? JEN: So Ginn, our previous lead guitar/ drummer came up with it, just literally “yeah this is funny and sick”. We liked it because there are so many possibilities with the name Street Ripper, Saint Ripper, a stripper with her period, whatever it means to you. ELAINE: For me it’s definitely the patron saint of bong ripping. EMMA: Yeah the saint of partying. JEN: I always liked Street Ripper, like death riding a skateboard. AMANDA: I love when you try and search for it and all of your results are like “how to date a stripper”, “hot strippers”, “so you want to strip for St. Ripper.”

CHRIS: What was your plan when you formed, what are your influences? I really like St. Ripper, to me I think I can hear some Steppenwolf in there which ordinarily would have me running in the other direction, but you guys manage to pull it off really well and it’s cool, how do you do it? ELAINE: Thanks Chris! I take that as a huge compliment. We were so amateur when we started, it was hard to really pick bands we wanted to sound like, because we literally were just trying to make the instruments work. EMMA: What I like about St. Ripper is that we’re not trying to sound like any specific bands, which I see a lot of other bands doing right now. JEN: I gotta say we all really enjoy the Plasmatics and I think that shines through in our beginnings for sure. CHRIS: When I think of Punk bands I do not immediately think of keyboards. What is the story behind Emma and the keyboard? AMANDA: Honestly, we lived with Emma, she was sleeping on our couch actually and we needed a place to have band practice so we asked if she wanted to jam with us. As it turned out she ended up being the only person in the band who had musical talent. EMMA: That’s not even true! Also I’m just learning this now! I thought you wanted to be in a band with me! JEN: You owned your own instrument and had played it before which was more than the rest of us started with. ELAINE: And you knew what Notes were! We thought you were sick, we needed you in the band.

CHRIS: At first you were an all-girl band, now you have Andy on drums, was being an all-girl band some- JEN: We loved playing with Limp Wrist last year. thing that was a consideration when you started or We also played a show in Worcester at the firehouse does it not even matter? with some metal band that had a butchered goat’s head hanging from the mic stand. Love playing with JEN: Nope, doesn’t matter. Never did. We’re just all all of our friend’s bands: Cleansing Wave, Ancient friends playing music for fun. Filth, Casanovas in Heat, Combat Zone, Exit Order, and SubClinix, and the Libyans. We also played some CHRIS: You guys have a mace as part of your logo, it really funny bar shows and opened for The Real Kids, is menacing, what does it mean to you? The Nervous Eaters, the F.U’s and D.O.A.. We’re excited to play with Sunshine Ward, Sadist, the Cringe, ELAINE : When I was drawing the logo I was really Leather daddy, Negative Impulse and White Line into Egyptian art. The mace is used in portraits Fever. showing kingship, because ancient Egyptians wanted to always portray their leaders as smashing their ELAINE: We want to play more all-ages shows because enemies. I thought it would be sweet to reappropriwe all remember being teenagers, and that’s why we ate that symbol of authority for a band that’s so do it. We want to get with the real energy of Punk, anti-authoritarian. It also just looks cool. from the youth. There’s so many people trying to make Punk a trendy and hip thing, and we just want people CHRIS: Your singer Amanda is just a total maniac having wild balls-to-the-wall fun all the time. when you play, it is insane. Is she the coolest singer around today or what? What planet is she from? CHRIS: St. Ripper is arguably the coolest looking band in Boston (other than my band of course). Can ELAINE: Amanda’s from The Cut. you talk a little bit about the visual aspect of your band and shows? JEN: We found her with a pack of feral dogs and put a mic in her hand. EMMA: We look cool when we play live because we just look cool on regular days. AMANDA: I’m a crazy bitch, what can I say? ELAINE: I think it’s because me and Jen Millis both CHRIS: Why did you put out your 7” yourselves bought hair crimpers. It’s a game changer. instead of having someone else do it? Did you ever have a demo? Any other recording plans coming up? CHRIS: I heard that you all live in the same house and you practice in an underground frozen bunker ANDY: I just think it’s better to not wait, I never full of noxious fumes, is that true? even thought to have someone else do it. I just wanted us to put out a record, so we did. JEN: It was true! Elaine moved out, but Amanda, Emma and I still live in the Central house. We used to JEN: We had a demo out with our last drummer; we’re work together also until we quit our jobs to live planning to put out a new one right after tour. on a mountain for a month. It was so cold in our last practice space though. I had to play with my full CHRIS: What are some of the bands that you have reoutdoor winter gear on. ally liked playing with? What bands would you want to play with? AMANDA: We are forever living in noxious fumes. CHRIS: Your YouTube infomercial for the KnifeKomb is blowing up on the internet, what is the appeal of this comb to you? AMANDA: I just want to say if you can’t tease your hair with this comb, you’re doing it wrong. And that I was nothing before the KnifeKomb. ELAINE: It’s just a really good concealed weapon; it’s actually something I really want on me. It’s perfect for studding leather too.

EMMA: I’m excited for our show in Kansas City. As far as the future goes, I’ve never been to Canada, I want to play in Europe, or South America.

JEN: I always have at least one on me at all times. They are a symbol of style and violence, of looking good and protecting it.

ELAINE: ANYWHERE that there are people who want to hear us we will go.

ANDY: Knives are cool. CHRIS: Promoting merch to raise money for a tour, have you no dignity??? Why don’t you just get jobs? ANDY and AMANDA : No dignity.

CHRIS: What are some of the other bands you are in or have been in? ELAINE: I played bagpipes in the Bushmills Irish whiskey pipes and drums band when I lived in California.

JEN: Also no jobs.

ANDY: I was in Terminal Youth, Old Sarum, Garbage Strike, Bob Barker Youth and Gone bad. I just started drumming in a new band called Fuck the USA.

ELAINE: We definitely have no dignity or shame. Some of us do have jobs! And work our asses off, but it’s just not enough to make it as far as we are trying to go.

EMMA: I’m playing synth in a band called Slampig with my twin, and also with a band called Native Sun, it’s kind of Psychedelic Proto Punk.

CHRIS: The big poster that comes with your record is really cool. Not just because I am in it... What is the story behind those pictures? JEN: We’ve been trying to pull off an over the top photo for a while. We tried a few times to get photos done on your friend’s tank but it blew up, so we decided to just deck out our roof top and put all our drunk friends on it. It was a real group effort, Jen McMahon edited Matt C’s photo and Tom Wickland of Flaccid painted a huge sick mural up there of a Punk mutant choking with a mace, most of it’s covered up in the photo but you should really see it. As far as the weapons and torches, that was candid, totally unplanned. CHRIS: Where are you looking forward to playing on your tour? It’s your first tour, right? Where else would you guys want to play in the future? JEN: Yeah first tour for Saint Ripper, and I know Elaine, Emma and Amanda have never been on tour before, so it’s going to be a blast. We’re going to get to see a bunch of our friends, and play some places we’ve never been. So sick. Chicago and Detroit are looking awesome; I can’t wait for deep dish pizza, I miss it like an old friend.

JEN: Before this I sang in Red Thread and now I’m singing in Animal Mother and Who Killed Spikey Jacket? I just started a new project called Witchwives that’s kind of spooky Fleetwood Mac, Devo worship project. AMANDA: I live and breathe for The Ripper, it’s all I’ve never known. CHRIS: When you first started it was kind of... rough. You have my vote for most improved live act, alltime. What’s the moral of that story, practice makes perfect, follow your dreams, or...? ELAINE: All of the above, and never let the haters grind you down. You will suck, and you will play so many embarrassing shows but if you really enjoy hanging out with the people you’re playing music with, you can’t get worse. CHRIS: Last question, you can take this however you like, what is your band about? ST. RIPPER: Being true to yourself, and not taking shit from anybody.

YOU MIGHT BE A TYPICAL PORK READER IF YOU COME BACK FROM THE DUMP WITH MORE THAN YOU TOOK!


Sean Digger:Real Class Leather AMELIA: I notice a lot of ACAB and SS influences in some of your designs, would you like to elaborate on your influences and beliefs? DIGGER: I’ve been fascinated by all things considered “Taboo” since I was little, and I’ve always been very comfortable with my own principles. That being said, I grew up fighting Nazi skinheads (and “non racist” skinheads too) from about 15 on. I got the scars to prove it, even been put in the hospital before for standing up to fascists (brass knuckles fucking hurt and are the icing on the cake when you’re getting boot-partied by 6 pricks). We fought until they finally began to disappear from a lot of the punk scenes, only to be replaced by other aspects of the so-called “left”, like the whole socialist/collectivist/communists and the oxymorons known as “anarcho-syndicalists” (aka, “Lazy Socialists” as I’ve come to look at em). For a long time I couldn’t really put my feelings to words as I witnessed “Political Correctness” (aka, the Frankfort School’s “Cultural Marxism”) destroy scene after scene that were all once about individual expression. So as time went on the old ideals from the FTW Biker Culture and the beginnings of the Punk movement’s ideas of “freaking out the squares” became more prevalent in my work. Plus, and this is a personal reason why I love using SS symbolism (besides the extensive reading I’ve done on the wildly fascinating SS), it creates a huge contradiction that tends to lead to people having to ask themselves serious questions about their own knowledge of the subjects. If some PC, Liberal Punk sees me, a 6 foot 4, crazy-looking tattoo-faced guy wearing a Totenkopf t-shirt that says “LONG LIVE DEATH”, laughing and helping my elderly neighbor, Mrs. Thomas, who happens to be black, load her groceries into her house then teaching her grandkids (what!? Also black!?) how to fix their bicycles. That PC kid will most likely experience some form of cognitive dissonance, thusly forcing them to possibly think outside the little cell they’ve painted themselves into ideologically! In other words, contradictions force people to think and hopefully question their own beliefs. I really hate closed-minded people... And frankly, I’ve always thought mean, scary, shit was actually pretty fuckin cool. AMELIA: Any occult or cult fascinations you wish to discuss?

AMELIA AN OK: What is Real Class Leather? SEAN DIGGER: Well... It started off as something of a hobby to pass the time. I had been drinking myself to death like most over-30 Nomadic Crusty Punks who’d realized that they hadn’t died young like a majority of their friends. So having my pancreas give out on me, I came to the point where I took a good look at myself and had to choose to live or to die. For the record too, I’m not being overly dramatic, it was an honest choice, I was 35 and a wreck. Luckily I had some good friends and family that pushed me (quite literally, sometimes) in the right direction. The rest was up to me and sheer will on many occasions. So, long story short, I started doing leather work because I needed something to do and leather-working had always intrigued me. I got lucky and found an older woman on Craigslist who sold me about $400 worth of the basic tools I needed to get started for the paltry sum of $95, and keep in mind that leather tools aren’t cheap and you truly get what you pay for. The first thing I made for myself was a cross draw sheath for my Kabar, a 5.25” straight blade tactical knife (it’s made for killing people, not that I want to, but I was living in Texas at the time and you can carry big, scary knives!). It was like a bolt of lightning struck me! It just flowed so naturally out of me, and it was like I found what I was meant to do! Next thing you know everyone around me started asking me to make em stuff! AND GIVING ME MONEY FOR IT!?!? Hahaha! I had been looking for work for months and it all just happened really fast. So I stopped looking for jobs and began to focus 100% on this! I gotta give credit to the Instagram pals out there too! I really utilized Instagram from the start, and there’s a world-wide community of leather workers on there that are unbelievably supportive of one another. Plus, unlike Facebook, with Instagram, I’ve actually made new, “real” friends. Like, we’ve met, hungout, stay in touch. For me, personally, it showed me the positives of one form of social media, but I digress. Real Class Leather was/is my ticket to personal liberty, since I’m my own boss, I do things the ways that work best for me, and it’s made me realize that after two years now, I’ve only just begun to scratch my own creative surface! AMELIA: Are you currently residing in Nashville? Where were you before? DIGGER: When I started RCL I was living in Austin, Texas. Sadly though, Austin has been destroyed for me personally, I used to love it soooo much! So many wonderful memories going back to right after my 20th birthday (I’m 38 now), and my first real hitchhiking trip from Chicago to Austin in the beginning of 1996. Since then, it was always one of my favorite places to go to. Now it’s retardedly overcrowded, and it’s just no fun for me anymore. So after I left there in June of 2013, I was making my way up to the North East, mainly Philly and NYC to visit friends I hadn’t seen in a while, since I used to squat (or rot) in Philly (1503/1505) and NYC (Good ol’ C Skwat!). Nashville is the almost exact halfway point in between Austin and Philly and I thought I’d spend a night or two with friends to break up the long ass drive. Well those two nights turned to almost three weeks and me nixing my travels up East, which had a lot to do with me not wanting to deal with the bullshit gun laws in NJ and NYC. I’ve gotten in the habit of making sure I feel safe everywhere I tend to travel to since I tend to frequent places that some might call dangerous. I just don’t fuck around anymore, a little bit of wisdom gained from past experiences that’s worked out well in the long run... Or you could say that, “You can take the kid out of the streets, but you can’t take the streets out of the kid!” Ha! So I fell head over heels for this lovely city (Nashville) and the real fact that people here are genuine and friendly. Plus, I was born about 45 miles from here in Clarksville/Fort Campbell where my Dad was stationed in the 70s. So, since I’m an Army Brat we moved away when I was young, but this place is in my blood, and I just get it here. I fuckin love the South! It’s my speed, ya know?

DIGGER: I’m pretty well versed in Thelemic and Theosophical mysticism and was pretty deep into it when I was younger, but I really started moving away from it because it seriously begins to take a toll on you. It’ll really take you to a dark place, which is where I wanted to be at the time. I was really angry in my 20s, and knew what I was capable of. I grew up in and around a lot of gangs and the gang mentality is something I can easily slip back into if I’m not careful. In other words, I can be really mean to people I consider enemies, and the darker Occult path really does bring out my inner sociopath. I try to be the opposite of that now, cause that’s who I’ve always actually been. It’s inherent for me to fight for what I think is right, and now I’m much more into studying Natural Law, and re-teaching myself the proper way to learn things using the Trivium method which was occulted and people haven’t been taught anything truthful for at least 100 years. I’m more interested in knowing the truth. I prefer being truly Illuminated instead of walking around with an illuminati, all seeing eye on my t-shirt. The whole fashion trend of people thinking its cool to wear all this “Satanic”, “Occult”, and “Illuminati” symbolism is retarded! Folks don’t realize they’re sporting the symbols of their slave masters. It’s sad really. We live in an unprecedented time! At no time in recorded history have the common people had the world’s knowledge literally at their fingertips! Never! So I’ve come to see the word ignore-ance being finally used for it’s proper meaning... The world is on the precipice of true human Liberty and Freedom, or we are about to witness the fall of the human race into Hell... Brave New World style, mass depopulation, and total enslavement of those who are left. The New World Order is very real, and very dangerous. It’s brought back my will to fight for the good of all mankind. All of that’s where my brain’s at in regards to the occult and cult type worship. Plus, I figure, as with all trends, it’ll disappear in time... AMELIA: How does Rock&Roll biker and outlaw culture influence your work? DIGGER: Simple. It’s what I’ve grown up around, it’s what I know. Though I tend to push myself farther into uncharted territories. I’m always striving for something new, not just another rehash of a romanticized and oversimplified style of dressing. I guarantee that if any of these little girls or boys who wanna play “biker/outlaw” were transported back 40 years ago to the times that everyone fantasizes about now to their Instagram friends, they’d be beaten to death, or raped, and left for dead in a ditch. Not a tear wasted on em... I do love choppers though. So I’m stoked that that whole trend started up again! AMELIA: Has this caused any controversy? DIGGER: Every once in a while I’ll have someone ask me why I’ll use SS imagery or other “taboo” symbols, and I give them an honest answer. I’m old enough to realize that I should always do and make what I like, regardless of people’s opinions. I’ve always had a strong moral compass, so I don’t tend to do something that offends folks by accident, it’s usually quite the opposite. I like to do things for a reason, now whether I feel the need to share that reason with others is my choice, and if I happen to be wrong about something or realize I’ve made a mistake, I have the integrity it takes to take responsibility for my actions. Plus I have a bit of a reputation for being confrontational because if I find out someone has a problem with me I tend to confront that person or those people head on. Mainly because I don’t like playing games or dealing with little kid, drama queen bullshit. It’s a huge waste of time! AMELIA: Are your roots originally in any particular music scene? DIGGER: I was a Metalhead first & foremost, running around in a denim jacket with metal patches and a mullet when I was 11 (when I’d started smoking too, but don’t anymore now). Through Metal I discovered Punk, which reinforced my individualism, since that’s what Punk used to be about. Now it’s all about conformity, which is from The PC/Leftists that weaseled their way in. That’s a series of articles that could be written somewhere else. After I discovered Punk, I felt I’d found my family! When I turned 16 and got my driver’s license, I was driving to Chicago to see Screeching Weasel, Citizen Fish, and countless other bands every weekend. Then I eventually hit the streets, hitchhiking, freight train riding, squatting anywhere and everywhere I could. Next thing I knew, it’s 25 years later, I’ve got tons of crazy stories, and been all over the place. So that’s the summary of it all... Oh! And I will always have a soft spot for Oi! music.

AMELIA: Do you have more space to work now? What is your setup like?

AMELIA: Are you living off your Real Class Leather earnings?

DIGGER: One of the many bonuses to living here is that the cost of living itself is relatively low, so my rent is cheap. My new workspace/bedroom is a finished attic that’s about 25 feet long by 15 feet wide, so I’ve really been able to expand my operations, just as I’ve been expanding my creative palate. I’ve invested in an industrial leather sewing machine, an old Singer 111w155 walking foot, which is the basis for pretty much all modern, walking feet, leather sewing machines. I got it for a steal too, and I just have to replace some final things and she’ll be good to go for another 50-60 years (made in the 50s!). And my actual workbench is set up perfectly now so all my tools are all in arms’ reach, in some sort of order, and ready to go the second they’re needed. So much better than working in a tiny bedroom where my bed took up the most space like in Austin! All in all, I fucking love it here!

DIGGER: It’s a very meager living, but yes, I do okay. I get my bills paid on time (sometimes!?), but I’ve never really been motivated by money (or “avarice”, which is the proper word to use). Through my own trial and error, and now wisdom, I know that I’m much more happy, creative, and capable of making/doing amazing things if I don’t have a lot of money. It’s one of the reasons I try to keep my prices low. Plus, if I couldn’t afford to buy something I’ve made, how could your average wage slave afford it? So I keep my earnings meager on purpose, and to be honest, I don’t like to overwork myself! I don’t want leather to become just a job, cuz it’s a bit of a spiritual thing for me. Sometimes the projects I work on leave me feeling spent, in a great way! In the past I’ve had RCL running like a well oiled machine, constantly booked up with me working weeks at a time with minimal sleep with backorders and a constant flow of work coming in and out. That’s when it just started to feel like a job, the magic wasn’t there as much anymore. So when I went out to California in July of 2013 for 6 months, I really put the business on the back burner and focused on other things. I reassessed what I wanted out of this whole endeavor I’d managed to create. So now I’m coming back with it again with different battle plan and using the tools at my disposal a bit more cunningly. I know what I want and I know how to get it! (Now I got Judas Priest’s “Exciter” stuck in my head... Ha!)

AMELIA: What is the bare minimum you need in order to do your leather work? DIGGER: Well, I’ve come to realize that I have a mad collection of tools, which is just another reason I love doing this for a living, I LOVE COLLECTING STUFF! Especially SHINY STUFF!!! Ha! There are honestly hundreds of years’ worth of tools that you can find out there that can all still be used the second you clean em up, and possibly replace a part or two. Some of the tools I have and use on a regular basis are over 126 years old! Shit was just made to last since it was a profession that’s been around for thousands of years! Plus it’s an honored profession that’s never had the “Planned Obsolescence” of others, especially during the industrial revolution. But I just went off on a bit of a tangent, that basically boils down to me liking shiny things... So! Bare minimum to make a quality piece I could do just about everything with a small duffle bag and, say, a polished marble piece. In the bag I’d have my swivel knives, a small variety of leather stamps (every stamp does one specific job to get a desired effect, ideally you could use a “Lucky 6, 7, or 8” combo to do anything with, but variety is the spice of life! The more the merrier! One thing that’s really great to realize early on in leathercrafting is, you can fabricate your own tools and stamps especially. Grab a Dremel, some nails or bigger bolts, and grind away to make up yer own original leather stamps! Experiment! Learn the proper/traditional ways to use your tools, then go off and get crazy and make up your own style! AMELIA: What tools do you use? DIGGER: One of the main things I’ve learned is that you truly get what you pay for! You could go to a Tandy Leather store and buy a Craftool brand stamp that’s a brand new, injection molded, cheap piece of crap that’s overpriced, was made in Taiwan, and the impressions in the leather will look like crap. Now you could find the same exact Crafttool stamp on eBay that was 100% handmade in America, in the 50’s or 60’s, for a couple bucks, the same price or less, and that sucker will look gorgeous, and crisp and clean! You begin to learn this stuff as you go on. I’ve been mainly sticking with really high-end tools, preferably made in America. It may be expensive, but you could drop $100 on one or two stamps and besides looking amazing, you could pass these tools down thru generations! It’s definitely a business that could become a family operation for generation after generation... So always remember, “Quality of Tools, Over Quantity of Tools!” and “You Get What Ya Pay For!” AMELIA: When did you start using leather as a medium for your art? DIGGER: Over two years ago now. It’s a profession that integrates a buncha different artistic and design styles and since every order is different, it’s never dull, and always a new challenge. I got lucky cuz I just fell into this, which is definitely a serious job/business first as well as a creative outlet second now! AMELIA: What type of work do you get commissioned for? DIGGER: All sorts of stuff! It’s one of the best things about this job and being my own boss, it’s a new challenge all the time! AMELIA: Have you been contacted by weirdos all over? DIGGER: Hell yeah! That’s another great thing about working with leather... It’s a big part of so many things that have been constants in my life! Metal, Punk, Rock&Roll, motorcycle culture, and I grew up around horses too, so it’s something I’ve been fascinated by since I was really young. I feel quite at home doing this and working with all the weirdos and crazies! (PORK boss Sean has a Real Class Leather wallet!)

“It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.” -CONFUCIUS

AMELIA: Now that you have the industrial sewing machine, you’re going to expand to vests? Anything else? DIGGER: Oh yes! I’m definitely gonna start expanding into the wonderful world of vests. And women’s leather booty shorts (cause I always get asked about it, and frankly, I’d love nothing more than to contribute to the beautification of my favorite female physical attribute!) AMELIA: Any last words? DIGGER: Yes! There’s a world of knowledge that might soon disappear if the government gets its fascistic claws into the internet, so for those who seek the Truth, go to www.tragedyandhope.com and through them the Peace Revolution Podcast, then get ready to get pissed off! Pissed off in a great way that is. It’ll change the way you look at the world. And lastly, Individualism and Personal Liberty are the most important principles for all humans, and they’ve been taken away. Don’t be a slave, learn to educate yourself, but remember: Literacy is a form of slavery until a systematic form of critical thinking is practiced by the reader! So question things and get in the habit of digging deep for the truth, whether it’s what you want to hear or not! Cheers!


ONE OF MY FAVORITE ARTISTS OF ALL TIME The first piece of Ian Miller’s I saw was his cover for the Spring 1987 Citadel Journal, I was 11 & familiar with the works of Bosch & Brueghel & Durer & was completely blown away to see art evoking my favorite artists on a lead miniatures catalog. I had already sussed out Games Workshop as a visionary company at that point, but this was beyond comprehension! This was life changing! SEAN: How did your relationship with Games Workshop come about, how was it working for them? I was reading an old White Dwarf & noted in a promo for the Ratspike book that you were creating a fantasy art publishing wing & that Ratspike was going to be the first of these books. IAN MILLER: John Blanche, the art director (then and now) invited me to a Golden Demon Day in Nottingham. Mid Eighties, I think? I went along out of curiosity, and met Bryan Ansell, John’s boss, and managing director/owner of Games Workshop. We got on well and it evolved from there. I enjoyed drawing for GW and the images seemed to fit in well, with what John called the ‘Mythos’. Sometime later, Bryan asked me if I was interested in heading up GW books and I said yes. I had a card with Commissioning Editor printed on it and opened offices in Brighton. It all went well for a while, then my desk capsized, and I was washed ashore in another place. This marked the end of my working relationship with Games Workshop, and of course the extended art book series. SEAN: What is your house like? A Citadel of Chaos? IAN: It’s a dark cupboard, bleached white on the outside. I think something grotesque lived here once? There are deep scratch marks and furrows on the walls, which plays havoc with my pink chalk when I’m writing messages to myself. It sits at an obtuse angle, on top of an old pig iron slipway running down to the sea. I can hear the shingle rattling with each turn of the tide. The bone white doors shake violently when the wind blows. And the slipway squeals. The view is startling. And I live here happily, with my wife and three dogs: Jesper, Jimmy (who’s invisible most of the time) and Snot, who hates seagulls. SEAN: What are some things from your childhood that stand out as having formed your vision? IAN: My mother was a theatrical milliner at a leading company of theatrical outfitters in London, who dressed most of the major films and theatre productions in the 40s and 50s. Because of this, I was, from the outset, caught up in the most intimate workings of the Illusion Machine. My toy chests overflowed with the cast-offs and oddments from a score of film and theatre productions. Fact and Fiction were not in contention. Strange worlds could still be reached through the backs of cupboards, if you knew where to look. Bubble gum was made from Everglades swamp water – that was a fact. I remember, whilst travelling to Manchester on a steam train, seeing a herd of headless cows from the carriage window. When I mentioned it to the other occupants of the carriage, they just smiled, and said such things were common place in the North of England. I went to the cinema every Saturday afternoon, come rain or shine. SEAN: You have done a bunch of work for movies, most notable for PORK readers your backgrounds for Ralph Bakshi’s Wizards & Cool World. How did that come about, how was it working for Ralph & what an awesome choice! IAN: In the 70s, 74 maybe?, I did a castle-scape of Gormenghast for a fantasy calendar commissioned by Ballatine Books in New York. Somebody working for Ralph saw this illustration and showed it to Ralph, who was in the throes of setting up the production for Wizards at his studio on Melrose Avenue in LA at the time. He tracked me down via London and New York to San Francisco, where I was living/stranded with my wife, on very meagre means at the Gaylord Hotel just off Union square. He flew us down to LA and offered me a

job on the spot. The rest is history. (Ralph is hoping to makes Wizards 2. If enough people shout “YES!” it might happen a lot faster.) I started preliminary work for Lord of the Rings, then decided I wanted to return to the UK. For a while, it looked like I might work on the project there, but it didn’t happen. Much later came Cool World. I arrived late and left early. Despite this brief encounter, I think I contributed some interesting imagery to the film. I like Ralph and like working for him. He lays great store in the creative process and this makes for a very fertile working environment. It was always explosive, but never ever boring or commonplace. SEAN: You did a bunch of cards for Magic the Gathering, I thought it was terrible that the art was so small. IAN: The Magic card period was very interesting. Strange to say, despite the time which has elapsed since I last worked on a Magic project, it has never really gone away. Most every month I receive enquiries regarding the cards or the original art. I sold the very last original last month, and have put all the artist proof cards in an oversized shoe box and assigned them to a deep recess beneath the cupboard. The dogs think I buried a bone. SEAN: I’ve been thinking a lot about Gothic architecture being a predecessor to Geiger’s Bio-Mechanical style & your work undoubtedly has this Gothic, bio-mechanical, acid pattern feeling to it. I wonder if this is something that one tunes into, these bone structures & chitinous natural geometries... you contrast that with your trees, the chaotic trees. IAN: Maybe going to the school dentist, and being given laughing gas helped. I was six years old. It was a strange place, situated on the second floor of a Georgian terrace, at the end of a dark brown painted corridor. All the doors hissed and closed slowly behind you. I think they were sniggering. I remember the rubber mask being put over my face–the bungled extraction–blurred voices–and everything twisting like toffee in a pink icy haze. After that, I spat blood all over the nurse, and toppled out of the dentist chair, which looked like an old witches ducking stool. Talking trees, flying buttresses and gargoyles were a gift after that, not to forget the steel claws cracking and shattering my teeth, of course. I think the juxtaposition of soft-edged organic forms against those of hard-edged angular geometric shapes creates a wonderful visual counterpoint in any image. SEAN: Do you have any artist friends or peers that you bounce ideas off of nowadays?

SEAN: You did some amazing covers for HP Lovecraft stories, your style well fits the indescribable terrors from beyond comprehension... how do you feel about drawing dreamworlds & things that should not be put into perceptual reality?

IAN: Everybody I talk to is a potential sounding board. There is a common sympathy in all working processes. People like to be engaged, and illumination often emerges from the most unlikely places. I do, of course, talk with artist friends, but not often. I’ve just been dubbed a ‘recluse’ because I don’t Twitter or do Facebook, so where does that leave me? Closeted away and able to work without distractions, that’s where.

IAN: Such things seem to flow easily for me. That I manage to touch at something viewers think vital is to be celebrated. As to how I do it, I can’t in truth give you an answer, other than to say there is an empathy of some sort: ‘willow to water’. Whatever it is, I would rather respond on a purely visceral level, and leave the analysis, and wing pegging to somebody else. SEAN: In terms of both summoning the Gothic bio-mechanical things & the indescribable terrors from outside the veil of consciousness, I feel that many artists are possibly possessed & are summoning things in their work. Do you have experiences that might shed light on this idea, is it poppycock, have you communicated with imperceivable intelligences? IAN: I tap into, what I choose to call the Northern European tradition. I believe there is a constant residue of ideas, sounds, amorphous, no-name things, percolating through to us. Victor Hugo said something to the effect that we were ‘bottom feeders’ in an ocean of air surrounded by things we could see and hear, and others that we could not, or even guess at. That works for me. W. G. Sebald wrote: “In the obsessive attempt to find reason for the animation of life, a world of images is divided into its anatomical components. this is the operation of speech operating successfully. Thus the sound of speech strives to ‘express’ subjective and objective happening the ‘inner’ and ‘outer’ world: but what of this it can contain is not life or the fullness of existence but only a dead abbreviation of it.” SEAN: What is your favorite ink? Watercolor? Pen? IAN: Rohrer & Klingner a German range of inks made in Leipzig. Windsor and Newton on the watercolor front. Gillot and Speedball crow nibs for dip pens, and Rotring technical pens. SEAN: Are there some new, younger artists whose work you’re interested in? IAN: I am interested in most everything creative and there are legions of brilliant young artists out there. Most days I find something to goggle at. Then I rediscover people I’ve forgotten or neglected. I am loath to mention one because then I would feel I’d side-lined another. I’d be writing names all night, if I got started.

YOU MIGHT BE A TYPICAL PORK READER IF YOU STILL SNIFF GLUE.


Lil’Pigs!

by Katie & Sean Aaberg

rattle rattle pssshhhh

finito!

psshhhhh pssshhhh

Lil’Pigs!

by Katie & Sean Aaberg

dangit! jimmy hit the ball into the empty lot!

let’s go get it!

the zimbabwe goblin has the ball!

are we looking for bananas?

keep your eyes peeled!

burp!

Don’t Tell Your Mother

by Katie & Sean Aaberg OR WAS IT THOSE SUPER HOT NACHOS I ATE?

I BLACKED OUT AT THE BAR & WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING I FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN RUN OVER BY A CAR & MY BUTTHOLE HURT LIKE NO ONE’S BUSINESS!

I’M PRETTY SURE I WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS LAST NIGHT! SERIOUSLY! I WOULD NOT TELL YOU A LIE!

Tim & Tim what’re we gonna catch today?

by Katie & Sean Aaberg it’s giving a fight! this thing is huge!

i think i see it! great googly moogly!

quitcherbitchen! i got something on the line!

can we still eat it?

by Katie & Sean Aaberg

Tim & Tim man, are we really this hard up?

it’s my van!

what the hell are we gonna do with this?

TWELVE CHEEZY PIZZAS!!! “The twowe “When most see joyous men of times a contrary of the year are character, Christmas we morning should & the turn end of inwards school.” & -Alice examine Cooper ourselves.” -CONFUCIUS

smoke it!

well tim, can’t argue, mother nature provides!


PORK TIME

by Katie & Sean Aaberg DAH, LET’S GO ICE FISHING!

IT IS SOOOO HOT TODAY! HOW ARE WE GONNA COOL DOWN?

YOU IDIOT! THAT’S THE DUMBEST IDEA EVER! WHERE ARE WE GONNA GO ICE FISHING?

I - HAVE AN - IDEA!!!

PORK TIME

by Katie & Sean Aaberg SLLLUURRRPP!!!

SLURP!

SEE?

OH GOD! THIS BRAIN FREEZE!!!

SLLLUURRRPP!!!

PORK TIME

HOW COME YOU NEVER GET BRAIN FREEZE PORKU?

I DON’T HAVE A BRAIN!

by Katie & Sean Aaberg

YES! SCHEISTER BRAU IS REFRESHING FROM START TO FINISH WITH THE CLEAN TASTE OF PORKLAND SPRING WATER & THE SPARKLE OF CAREFULLY SELECTED GRAINS & JUST A KICK OF HOPS!

THERE YOU GO AGAIN PORKU!

I’M REQUIRED BY CONTRACT TO ELABORATE ON EXACTLY WHY SCHEISTER BRAU IS THE BEST BEER ON EARTH THAT “LOOSENS YOU UP WHEN YOU’RE TOO TIGHT” WHENEVER THE SUBJECT COMES UP!

PORK TIME

I HOPE THEY’RE PAYING YOU GOOD!

I GET PAID IN BEER!!!

OOOOHHHHH!!!!

by Katie & Sean Aaberg

ALLO! WEE HAFF THE PORKU POP OR THE PORKU POP. PRICE: FREE!

I LOVE THE BUBBLEGUM EYE!

AND I LOVE THE LSD EYEPATCH!

YES!

YES!

PORK TIME HEY! WHATCHA GRILLIN’ PORKU?

TASTY MEAT! HAVE SOME!

by Katie & Sean Aaberg AS PART OF OUR COMMITMENT TO THE ECOLOGICALLY CORRECT BIO-CIRCLE GAIA DAY CERTIFIED ROCKEFELLER/ GORE PROGRAM, WE’RE EATING THE OLD PORKUS! YOU EAT PIG? ISN’T THAT CANNIBALISM?

PORKUS AREN’T PIGS AMELIA! WE’RE PEOPLE IN COSTUMES! DUUHHHH!!!

BARF!

YOU MIGHT BE A TYPICAL PORK READER IF YOU PROMINENTLY Why doesn’t Santa DISPLAY haveAany GIFT kids? YOU HeGOT onlyFROM comes GRACELAND. once a year.


ERED M M HA ! SATIN

Hammered Satin should be being pumped into 14 year old girl’s rooms & they should be buying scented seven inches from these Foxy Dudes in the PORK SHOP. 1974, England, Hammered Satin would’ve had one of those enormous Glam/Skinhead crossover followings, Lonely Tiger bootboys wearing nail polish & eyeliner, Clockwork Orange, all that, today, as they are in PORK it can happen again! Glam is the collision of Rock&Roll & Hollywood, Trash & Vaudeville, New York & LA, & it requires you to believe!

NOAH: Not personally, but I have a friend who went fishing out the window of the Edgewater Hotel with David Bowie and Mick Ronson when she was 16. She hung out with all the famous 70’s groupies that you’d see in Star magazine! Pretty cool.

SEAN: Favorite movies.

NOAH: No!!! But I have read Glamorama by Brett Easton Ellis which the song is based on and the album is named after.

NOAH: Going Places, Footlight Parade, Never Too Young To Rock, Flying Down to Rio, The Switchblade Sisters, The Sweet Movie, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Star Crash, The Man Who Fell to Earth, She Killed in Ecstasy, Pink Flamingos, any Russ Meyer film, Blade Runner, Metropolis, Lucifer Rising, Scorpio Rising, White Zombie, The Dunwich Horror, The Pom Pom Girls, Rock n Roll High School, Malibu High... too many to name! SEAN: Favorite comic books. NOAH: Betty Boop, Wonder Woman and PORK of course! SEAN: Favorite candy. NOAH: Swedish salty black licorice CONOR: Anything sour, I’ll treat it like its my dinner. SEAN: Hammered Satin order a sundae, what’s on it? NOAH: Banana, nuts, whipped cream and a cherry on top. SEAN: Any good “fishing in Seattle” stories?

Demented Demon Drawer skinner summoned a maddening mural on sizzle pie East in porkland that challenges the tentative grip on sanity of all passers-by. SEAN: How did the Sizzle Pie dudes approach you about this eldritch mural? SKINNER: Well, actually, I knew I was going to come up to the Lovecraft film festival in Porkland and I booked my flight a little early so I hit up Orion to see if he could get me that big ass wall on Sizzle Pie to do a mural. I wanted to do something rad to connect to the film festival, Portland’s penchant for weirdness and Lovecraft. They have that bar after all AND a film festival, so it felt right. They were incredibly supportive and I don’t normally reference Cthulhu when I am doing Lovecraft stuff because it’s the most obvious entity from the mythos and I’m far more fascinated by the abstract and more strange villains of the Lovecraft mythos, BUT I knew that everyone loves that big octopus headed motherfucker, so I went for it. The cyclotron monolithic brick constructs were a really fun thing to do too, because I tried to make them kinda 70s style with bizarre lines and movements in them that were trippy. It was an incredible experience even when I was up on the scaffolding over dosing on the weed brownie I ate. People would stop by to say hi and all I could think about was not falling and having my bones pop out of my little wretched man body.

CONOR: I got my first tattoo in Seattle. I was on tour in a band with Matt Gabs from the Biters, we both got the same one. Not exactly fishing, but close enough. SEAN: Have you read “Ride the Tiger” by Evola?

SEAN: Have you guys gotten into any good fights? NOAH: Oh boy, there’s one. We were on tour last year in Amsterdam. We were pretty frazzled from sleep deprivation on our way back from the red light district so we were arguing over how to get back to the hotel, or rather a youth hostel called The Flying Pig. All the walkways and canals are twisty and looney tunes which is fun but anyway, Conor ripped out a huge chunk of my hair and I had to finish the tour with a lopsided hair-do. I scraped his nose but we didn’t really hurt each other. Total fist fight. I think Conor won that one hahaha. After the fight, The Flying Pig was just too brutal to stay at sharing a room with traveling Euro Techno party kids so we checked into some decent hotels and went record and vintage shopping at Waterlooplein flea market the next day! Dan scored some groovy threads and I scored all kinds of 70s Dutch Clog Stomping Glitter Rock 45s!!! We pretty much never fight though, that was a freak incident. Maybe we we’re just absorbing the insanity of that wonderful city. CONOR: Yeah....if it wasn’t weird enough that 4 tall skinny Americans in platform boots and metallic jackets were stomping through the streets of Europe, the scabs and black eyes definitely helped.

NEW R NE SKIN AL! MUR

SEAN: How was the Cthulhu Con? What did you see? Nyarlathotep cosplayers? SKINNER: Dude the Con is so interesting because it’s probably one of the only conventions that can’t be commodified by people that want to be “nerds”, it’s such a deep level of intellectual literary weirdos, mostly dudes with beards that are writers with maybe an Indiana jones hat and a shirt with some hard to understand intellectual logo who are very most definitely living the life of the nerd path less traveled. It’s amazing though because the way my mind works, is that I’m very inquisitive about abject terror and weirdness or thoughts and concepts that take your mind to a very far place that most people think is weird, too scary, nerdy or bizarre. Like to most people using one’s imagination means painting a landscape but to these people, it’s appreciating a story that will existentially unravel your ability to relate to people in a normal way because you use your brain in such a fucked way after you read this shit. Like to someone who reads Lovecraft, Stephen King books are so mundane and palatable and boring... You can have Pinhead or Jason from Friday the 13th. I will take an unknown smoky mist that comes from some unknown world and poisons the minds and crops of all the farmers and animals in a town. Or an unknown vampiric giant ruining the lives of all who love in a house that it lives beneath, buried for centuries.. Once you smoke the good shit you never go back, know what I mean? But also yeah, no cos players. But Pinhead the actor guy was there! That was cool. SEAN: Talk to me about rendering impossible geometry & indescribable beasts from beyond human conception.

PHOTO BY James Rexroad

CULT ORIGINAL DUNGEONS & DRAGONS ARTIST DAVE TRAMPIER “DAT” PASSED AWAY THIS MARCH. TRAMP HAD BEEN MIA & PRESUMED DEAD SINCE SPLITTING WITH THE PRODUCERS OF D&D IN 1988 BUT WAS DISCOVERED DRIVING A CAB IN ILLINOIS IN 2002. I HAVE BEEN OBSESSED WITH TRAMPIER’S ART SINCE BEFORE I COULD READ, LOOKING AT D&D BOOKS AS A CHILD & BEING TOTALLY ENTHRALLED WITH THE WEIRD, FUNKY, MONSTROUS WORLD HE CONJURED UP. THANKS & RIP DAT.

SKINNER: Well once you step into that world you cannot unknow it. The fragility of our reality in comparison to what lies just beyond the frail veil of what we are allowed to know is boring and safe. Please gods and writhing titans of cold space, come. Free me from the Internet and people who don’t use their blinkers! Please come and purge us from this realm with hot fire! HOT!!! Melt our souls like so many glow sticks in a hobo camp fire!

PORK S KEEP L GHOU ! WARM

San Francisco has gotten so fucked by millionaire techies that members of successful Thrash Metal bands like Digestor of Ghoul are forced to sleep on the streets with only the cheap newsprint of free PORK magazine to keep them warm or is this just an old Creepsylvanian strategy for keeping tour costs down? We may never know.

rip dat

“The process of delving into the black abyss is to me the keenest form of fascination”. -H P Lovecraft


Raised outlaw, never followed with the flock. Sniff every rat out, run every road block. Too damn fast & invisible to cops. I don’t stop!

0% POLICE - 100% RIDER

KILSYTHE ROCK&ROLL

Katie is PORK’s music editor & she’s always listening to the records we get sent down in the PORK SHOP. Katie has to tell me to pay attention to new bands because if I have it my way I’ll just keep listening to Iron Maiden’s “Killers” & Judas Priest’s “Sad Wings of Destiny” on repeat. This spring Katie has had Dinos Boys & Dirty Fences on the turntable non-stop. Even the Lil Pigs know the words to the songs. Both bands have a relatively restrained & super-melodic Rock&Roll surface, which lends to the lurking badness in each band. Both bands have a back alley menace that is played up by them playing it cool. I was ten years old when I first heard the Ramones. Dr. Demento played “Beat on the Brat” & I was taping the radio as usual & I was blown away. As the oldest of the three brothers & as a white boy in Oakland, I knew exactly what this song was about, but why was it this weird style of music that sounded like an oldies song, but was way meaner? It was on Dr. Demento so it was “supposed” to be funny, but the line between parody & reality has always been really thin to non-existent to me. Flash forward a bunch of decades. I hear Personal & the Pizzas “I Can Read” for the first time. This time I know it’s a joke, but I don’t want it to be. The Pizzas are the best band around at the time & I don’t care that they’re tongue in cheek, they are what I want reality to be. A couple years pass, PORK is redefining the Punk Rock&Roll landscape & the Dinos Boys & Dirty Fences pop up on Katie’s radar at the same time & these records are being played in the PORK SHOP every day. Holy shit, it’s nice to get what you want you know? Both bands remind me of growing up in Oakland & of my brothers & my sons & PORK is really stoked to support both of them. SEAN: How did the Dinos Boys start? DANNY SONG: DINOS started more as a side project in Brooklyn. I had recently come across a Tascam 414 portastudio and was spending lots of time in the practice space tracking scratch songs. Eventually Ryan McHale (Nightbirds), Danny Gold (Stalkers), Ryan Roberts heard them and we booked a show. A year later I went broke and moved back to ATL. Me, Chase Tail (Heart Attacks), Bison Beavers (Beat Beat Beat), and Slim Gerry (Manic) are the current DINOS. Last Ones. SEAN: What was the initial spark behind the band? SONG: No idea. Thought the world could use some good ol’ 77 Rock&Roll I guess. Felt good after playing garage for a few years in BK. CHASE TAIL: Have an excuse for bar status. Play (not practice) juuuuust enough where people think you’re some sort of Mystical Hot Shot with a Big Dick. SEAN: Do you guys have any good band fight stories?

SEAN: How & Why did the Dirty Fences form? DIRTY FENCES: Jack and I met in wood shop class at 7 in the morning. I was wearing a Johnny Thunders shirt and he looked like Joe Walsh or someone with his fuckin’ blond mustache and Hawaiian shirt. Two minutes later, some ding dong gets his thumb chopped off on the table saw. Thumb flies across the room, kid is howlin’ at the moon, and our scary-ass green beret ‘Nam vet teacher walks over, picks the bloody thing up, and slowly hands it to the kid without saying a fucking word. After he kicked everyone out of the class, Jack and I went and got stoned and started a band.

SONG: Plenty. Not with each other. Usually unlucky sons of bitches on the road. One time Chase pulled my stool out from under me at 2013 Mess Around and I smacked him.

SEAN: I know what the name Dirty Fences means to me, but what does it mean to you?

TAIL: I have not been in a fight for one year (almost). I had a habit of pulling a “Pootie Tang” and whipping people with my belt. Very sick act. My logic behind it was always there was no ropes or referees. This one incident last July, I was arrested and later find out the person I was fighting with was the founder of the MakeA-Wish Foundation. Total script-flip. Real M. Night Shamalam type shit. Simple lesson. You wanna’ have good bar status and be some sort of Big Dick White Wizard? Don’t go out whippin no one need no whippin. More than half the time they are the founder of a children’s charity. I have since then altered my arsenal and now wield a Chill-Axe rather than the belt.

SEAN: Describe the guys in Dirty Fences.

SEAN: Atlanta is going Rock&Roll Crazy right now! How come?

DF: Hell, we were kids in high school and we watched that Dirty Mac video from Rock and Roll Circus and thought it was the shit, so we called our band Dirty Fences, named after our boy, Denny Fences, who was a total mac...Get it?

DF: Jack has gotta be Sammy Sosa. Baseball been berry berry good to heem. Comaskey is Uncle Leo cuz he loves that whitefish and his son works for the parks department. Roseglass is Reba Mcintyre with his perfect hair and vagtastic pistachio. Ha Ha! And me (Hershguy)? I’m like the CEO of Chuck E. Cheese’s. I love children. SEAN: What’s the deal with Kilsythe? DF: Kilsythe Road was where we first practiced. That’s where we got this whole Rock&Roll thing together. Everybody’s been talkin bout the good ‘ol days… SEAN: Have you guys taken any flack for RSC? DF: Nope, cuz we call it RSC!

SONG: Atlanta has always been the Punk hub of the south. I think record labels like Die Slaughterhaus, Douchemaster, Rob’s House definitely helped out by making all our bands available. People move here for it and get stuck. TAIL: Motherfuckers always competing in competitive competition. Fighting tooth and nail over the first stool in the bar. Dreaming of being the Big Pig in the City, but with a Donkey Sized Dick.

Despicable, Ignorant, Nasty, Ole Shit-stirrers

TOO HIGH TO KROSS SEAN: What are some crazy intoxicants you’ve come across on the road? DF: In Berlin, Jack got roofied and woke up with the king. SEAN: According to numerous sources, the plan of the elites is to wipe out most of the working class in order to make room for efficient & non-rights having robotic labor. As far as I’m concerned, this means that anyone who is a yuppie progressive is the enemy. You guys are the Dirty Fences, Rock&Roll is about dirty, sweaty, intoxicated humanity. How do we destroy the enemy? SEAN: Who is DINO? Cos that was a nickname I had for my little brother Danny James!

DF: Only way you can: Patrick Bateman style. The world needs more rats like us to eat their hearts out.

TAIL: Dino is that fuzzy feeling you get after you just smoked the first one of the day. When all your dreams and revelations are possible.

SEAN: If the Dirty Fences were a sushi roll...

SONG: Despicable, Ignorant, Nasty, Ole Shit-stirrers… so, you, me, everyone who reads this mag.

DF: Electric Eel. Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment. SEAN: Tell PORK readers about the new record you’re working on. DF: The new record we’re putting out is called “I BLEED YOU, YOKO”. It’ll be out on Island Records on Thanksgiving. Just kidding, no name yet. Just about done mixing. It’ll be out as soon as possible. Ten cuts for you this time… It’s the perfect rock album ever invented.... EVER!? YOU MIGHT BE A TYPICAL PORK READER IF Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


ET FOUND IN LANDFILL! EMERGENCY ZIMBABWE GOBLIN REPORT! FIZZ DRINKS! WEIRD!

the past we deserve, but we can do it. PORK readers, I get high just thinking about the material for future digs you all can generate. Get to work depositing crazy debris in your environment and we’ll have an archaeology of the future to be proud of.

ASTROLOGICAL NOTES FOR THE QUARTER: Scientists have lately determined that Earth is not the only planet in our solar system whose temperature is steadily rising. Mercury, which was previously known to peak at around eight hundred degrees Fahrenheit, has lately been hitting balmy highs of eight-twenty. What does this mean for you, Miss Lorena Higgins, chief librarian at the main branch in Pocatello, Idaho? During the period between July 7th and July 12th, while the planet closest to the sun is in retrograde, a steamy Mercury means you’ll be in some hot water in July, hot enough to melt the linoleum, especially if you fall asleep after starting your bath while DREAMING OF PINEAPPLE UPSIDE-DOWN CAKE, Miss Higgins. I KNOW HOW JUST HOW HORRIBLY CONFUSED YOU REALLY ARE. Send your questions to ask@theslowpoisoner.com or via the social network at facebook.com/TheSlowPoisoner

Archaeologist Discovers Buried Extraterrestrials in NEW MEXICO Landfill archaeopop with dan shoup

In April, excavators went to work in a garbage dump in Alamogordo, New Mexico, to search for a legendary alien graveyard. They went to dig up three million copies of the worst videogame ever. In 1983, video game pioneer Atari produced millions of copies of ‘E.T.: The Extraterrestrial’ for the Atari 2600. It capitalized on that year’s craze for the movie of the same name, which although forgotten now was a Big Deal. (I think it’s the first thing my parents bought me on VHS – for $79!). And the 2600 was the tightest thing that had happened to American children since the end of child labor, take it from me, I was there. But the E.T. video game: it sucked to the point of unplayability. The little alien protagonist was always getting stuck in traps you couldn’t get out of and the game was impossible. Few people bought it, and half of them returned it. Atari was stuck with millions of unsalable games; its stock crashed, and by 1984 the company went from riches (80% share of the video game market) to rags (breakup, sell-off, and a slow death). As a tax write-off, truckloads of games were hauled to a landfill in New Mexico and dumped. In those pre-internet days, the story took on a life of its own, and for decades the legend would pass from gamer to gamer about the Great Video Game Graveyard. Until this year, when some bros at Fuel Entertainment teamed up with Xbox’s film arm (?) to make a documentary about finding the place. They rented some bulldozers, got the right to dig up the landfill (sounds fun, I wonder what that costs?), invited a crowd of people with nothing better to do – and there emerged onto the Internet endless pictures of middle-aged men in hard hats, smugly lifting Atari cartridges into the air like talismans. Mystery solved, I guess. (Maybe. Reports conflict, but they have found a few hundred copies of ‘E.T.’ so far, not three million – and all mixed in with Centipede, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and hell of other golden oldies.) So they found what they were looking for. But for me it was a dispiriting display. And not because I’m a time snob who thinks real archaeology has to be super old. It’s true that 30 years is an eyeblink for someone like me that likes to think in millenia and centuries. But archaeology is just the art of using the relationship between objects to tell a story; it is interested in relative but not absolute time. And the pace of change can make some decades much more significant than others. Right now there’s unprecedented stretching of time: living in the midst of the highest human populations the world has ever known and a pace of technological change we can barely follow extends the significance of each year. No, what disturbs me is that I believe every society writes the history that it wants to read. The questions, insecurities, and obsessions haunting our collective unconscious emerge in the kind of archaeology we do. During the earliest part of industrial revolution archaeology focused on nostalgia for noble, pastoral Greece: the golden age (now lost). During the European rush for world empire, Rome and the ancient kingdoms of Egypt and the Middle East caught everyone’s imagination (their empires were awesome, and ours are too). In the rational middle of the industrial 20th century archaeology was all about societies as complex machines (everything is like an assembly line!). In the ‘80s and ‘90s you couldn’t swat an archaeology conference without a smoky cloud of identity politics coming out (discovering white guilt in the past, too!). In a way, each of these ways of doing archaeology give their ages the history they deserve. But what does this story say about us? The search for ‘E.T.’ in that New Mexico was manufactured excitement about a bygone failure. ‘E.T.’ the game sucked because Atari executives were stupid, rushed the developers, and ended up sitting on a mountain of crap. It’s a history of poor planning and failure, romanticized through the lens of nostalgia. What really scares me is the idea that this corporate stupidity + mediadriven nostalgia might be the master metaphor for our culture in the age of American decline. As the ‘slacker’ generation creeps undeservedly toward the halls of power we’re going to see more and more reverence for laziness, failure, for stuff that could have been cool but nobody quite got their shit together, man, but whatever, dude. It’s the story of American culture in the 2000s: a forest of gimmicks that weren’t what they were cracked up to be. The game that children begged for for Christmas, buried by the millions and forgotten. A promised excitement gone hollow. There is something fittingly circular about it all, though: an overhyped game is discovered at an overhyped media event. That’s what America’s become, dear readers: an ouroboros of irrelevance, a snake a generation long eating its own tail and hollowing out our entrails in the process, disguising its passage with a fine vapor of in-movie product placements, war with random Muslims, EZ jumbo loans, Obamamania, and sleazy nerds in Google glasses. But looking this wrack and flotsam in the face somehow renews my will to live. It’s so stupid that it’s easily replaceable. We gotta work hard to get

It’s earthquake season here in San Francisco, and as the ground beneath my feet rumbles and crumbles, and the great grey skyscrapers that loom over my head start to sway and crack, I’m reminded of the tenuousness of existence. If there are questions on our minds, now is the time to get them answered, before the BLACK BOMBASTIC THUMBS FROM ABOVE SMITE US COLDLY INTO ATOMIZED POWDERS. At present, those questions revolve around printer connections, secret compartments, and the milk of pigs…

why don’t people drink pig milk? Why don’t people anywhere in the world ever drink pig’s milk? – Yorum M., San Francisco, CA There was a time when pig’s milk was a sought-after delicacy, but that time has indeed passed. If you look back over the History of Man, you will find certain patterns recurring no matter the geographical location: 1. Ancient tribes worship the moon; 2: Evolving cultures venerate the serpent; 3. Enlightened, refined societies celebrate the pig; 4. Colonial nations revere the bull; 5. Degenerate, distracted masses praise the horse. Interestingly, in the Pacific Islands, where bulls and horses never trod, the pig is still sacred. THE MYSTERY CULT OF THE GREEK GRAIN GODDESS Demeter held that she and her daughter Persephone were both sows, and that THE WORLD WOULD FALL INTO STERILITY WITHOUT THEIR PIGGY PASSIONS. The Hawaiian god Kamapua’a is a super-hog-man that defies all authority in pursuit of adventure, love and sensual pleasure. The peoples that worshiped these GREAT HAIRY BOARS OF THE HEAVENS also drank their milk, believing that hog-juice could increase vigor and intelligence. Unfortunately, with the rise of Judeo-Christian culture, the pig, and its natural element – dirt - fell into disfavor. “The snout of a pig digs sepulchers where’er he goes,” said Shakespeare, as modern man began to associate pigs with uncleanliness and sinisterism - possibly due to the fact that unlike the goat, a pig WILL EAT A HUMAN BABY IF GIVEN THE CHANCE. Nevertheless, pigs’ milk is making something of a comeback: Chef Ed Lee of Louisville, KY, a contestant on both Iron and Top Chef, has found that pigs’ milk can produce a delicious cheese. The problem, he says, is that the pig is an unwilling producer - skittish, suspicious, and not pleased to have anyone up in her business.

i recently updated my apple os. Dear Slow Poisoner, I recently updated the operating system on my Apple PowerBook G4 to OS X Mavericks; now it won’t recognize my printer, a Samsung SCX452. I’ve installed the latest driver, but no luck. Any advice? – Jean B., Tucson, AZ In 1808, Pellegrino Turri of Italy fell in love with a woman who suffered a deterioration of her vision while in the bloom of her youth. As a gift of courtship, he developed for her a machine that would allow her to communicate with him her innermost thoughts, without the transcription aid of a third party. The device was akin to a typewriter, but used a “carbonated paper” consisting of ink with a wax seal, that created a black impression of her words on a piece of white stationery. In time, it was discovered that carbon paper could be used to produce up to five identical copies of a document instantly. Attempts to market this paper for business purposes met with little success at first, as forgery was a concern, but eventually the practice of composing “in triplicate” became a standard in business. In contrast to this carbon paper, which was an invention borne of love, the modern computer and printer you refer to are infernal devices, developed by THE LEPROUS ELVES THAT FESTER IN THE ACCURSED KINGDOM OF SVARTALFHEIM FOR THE PURPOSE OF DRIVING MAD THE GOOD KING HAKONAR AND HIS GENTLE PEOPLE OF KVENLAND. Use carbon paper instead. Ask yourself this: is what you’re doing really so very important that you need to produce more than six copies at a time?

where to hide contraband? If there were a secret place on your body to hide contraband, where would it be? – Peter M., San Francisco, CA The average person has nine to ten orifices in their body, but only two of them are commonly used for storage. Your typical drug mule will wrap illicit goods in a condom and then either swallow it orally or insert in his or her rear end. Children are typically more adventurous in exploring their bodies’ capacity for hiding things: Isaak Lasson of Salt Lake City carried A TOY LEGO IN HIS NOSE FOR THREE YEARS, and colorful items such as crayons and shoelaces frequently slide up young nostrils and remain undetected. For the truly enterprising criminal, however, a little alteration of our natural structure is required. Take your inspiration from a 66-year old man in Sydney, Australia; he was admitted to St. Vincent’s Hospital to have his leg amputated, and the doctors discovered that his other leg was a prosthetic made of wood with a space hollowed out of the side, where a gun was cleverly concealed. The man’s 18-year old son, also at the hospital, was found to be carrying two rounds of ammunition for the firearm. Get yourself a limb made o’ lumber and keep the goods in it!

AMERICA HAS BECOME AN OUROBOROS OF IRRELEVANCE

“Sincerity is the end & beginning of things; without sincerity there would be nothing.” -CONFUCIUS

WEIRD NEWS OF THE WORLD!!! IT’S A WILD & WOOLY WORLD OF WEIRDNESS OUT THERE & JJ MK LURKS IN THE ALLEYWAYS & GRAVEYARDS OF HITHERTO UNKNOWN LANDS, OBSCURED BY FOG & MAGNETIC FIELDS! A REPORT ON witchcraft! hoaxes! cryptoids! ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theories! scientific scares! the occult! & all manner of weirdness from the MESSY, DOCUMENT STREWN desk of the northwest’s premier dubiologist, jj mk!

A GATEWAY TO HELL IN INDIANA! JANUARY 28 GHOSTS Indiana haunted house, supposedly with a ‘Gateway to Hell’ (considered genuine by local police) purchased by Zak Baggans, executive producer of the TV show Ghost Adventures, for $35,000! FEBRUARY 15 WITCHCRAFT Pennsylvania ‘Craigslist killer’ claims she has killed over 20 different people who deserved it and she has belonged to a Satanic cult since she was 13! The Church of Satan, following her confession, denies any association with her, ever!

ANCIENT XYLOPHONE OF THE DRUIDS? MARCH 4 SACRED SITES Stonehenge researchers ponder the idea that maybe the sacred site was actually a giant, ancient musical instrument…like a xylophone!? MARCH 10 SECRET SOCIETIES Nazario Moreno, leader of the Mexican Knight Templar drug cartel, is killed by Mexican authorities…for a second time! MARCH 13 PSYCHIC PHENOMENON ‘Psychic’ Uri Geller makes claim he has been asked to help find missing Malaysian Airlines Flight 370!

“BIGFOOT BELIEVERS ARE FOOLS!” MARCH 27 CRYPTOID Bigfoot hoaxer Rick Dyer admits his most recent tour with an alleged Bigfoot corpse, turns out to be another hoax! Continues angering cryptozoology community by claiming that anybody who hunts or believes in Bigfoot are fools! MARCH 31 MIRACLES Spanish basilica Leon’s San Isidro, makes the claim it is the most recent home of the holy chalice, the Holy Grail, causing a surge of popularity to the church! APRIL 2 PSYCHIC PHENOMENON Documents dating back to 1957 reveal the FBI was interested with experimenting with ESP to gather information! APRIL 3 CRYPTOID Lancashire professor John Hyatt (and former member of UK punk band Three Johns) claims to have investigated the existence of faeries and has the photographs to prove it! APRIL 3 CRYPTOID Former President Bill Clinton admitted live on Jimmy Kimmel that he has always been very interested in alien life and UFOs and investigated Area 51 for signs of alien life during his presidency! APRIL 5 WITCHCRAFT Haunted house brings more than South African couple bargained for, including a magical ape that walks along the rooftop and sexually assaults the wife every night! APRIL 6 WITCHCRAFT Zambia villagers accuse local village teachers of practicing Satanism due to some suspicious activity...such as driving with tinted windows!?


APRIL 11 WITCHCRAFT South African woman blames long streak of personal misfortune due to being haunted by her father’s prized pet chicken, which had a local reputation of bringing good luck, after she ate it. APRIL 14 CRYPTOID HAPPY 80th Birthday Nessie!!!! It was on this day, 80 years ago when the first reported sighting the Scottish lake monster known as the Loch Ness Monster happened! Almost a year later (April 21st, 1934), the UK’s The Daily Mail published the famous photograph of a Nessie, known to cryptozoologists as ‘the Surgeons Photography’.

PITTMAN ON ZIMBABWE GOBLINS Zimbabwe is a dark place. The economy has crumbled, AIDS, murder, rape, torture and poverty are rampant. In 2006 it was reported that life expectancy in Zimbabwe was the lowest on Earth, with people not expected to reach the age of 40 years old. Despite this array of crippling social and political problems, people in that nation have found something really unique to be stressed out about, in the form of GOBLINS. It seems that goblins are widely believed to be some kind of real and physical manifestation of witchcraft, which is in fact illegal in Zimbabwe. Goblin sightings are allegedly reported as serious news stories in the state and private press - and these sightings supposedly happen with alarming regularity. The accounts that have been printed in the English-language press seem rather inconsistent. Sometimes, the goblins are said to be owned and controlled by a witch; in other cases they seem to be some other kind of supernatural entity; sometimes they are described as unknown animals“like a snake with the head of a dog” or “a dog with scales like a pangolin.” These goblins attack schoolchildren and cause them to faint, causing widespread panic and forcing the closure of schools. They pelt people with stones and burn down homes, they cause mysterious and sometimes fatal illnesses. Sometimes they apparently get a bit... randy. They steal panties, or have sex with female schoolteachers in the night. Some male schoolteachers reported waking up wearing ladies’ underwear they had never seen before. Yes, these claims all seem totally absurd, and in some of the stories there seem to be clear clues that point at reasonable explanations that do not involve the actions of goblins. It is, perhaps, not surprising that when people have no hope and are surrounded by fear and mistrust that superstition and folk beliefs can take on large dimensions. And yet.. at least some of the goblin sightings have been made by trained observers and local authorities. Many sightings reportedly involve multiple witnesses. Doctors and other professionals seem willing to go on the record to report on the activities of the goblin threat. As a paranormal investigator I am very intrigued by what ufologists have termed “cultural tracking,” a phenomenon in which UFOs seem to appear differently to the cultures in which they appear. The ancient Romans saw flying shields, in medieval Europe flying boats were reported, at the turn of the 20th century “phantom airships” made headlines. If we accept that these sightings represent true encounters with a non-human intelligence (and I know that is a big “if,”), it seems that when a person is confronted with something truly inexplicable - truly alien - the mind attempts to interpret what is seen within the constricts of the culture and expectations of the witness. What is called a “goblin” by a superstitious witch-fearing schoolteacher in Zimbabwe might be interpreted entirely differently in the space age USA, and I have talked to very credible people who have convincingly reported frightening encounters with strange entities that are no more or less reasonable than the best of the goblin sightings. I don’t expect that we will ever see really good evidence for the existence of the Zimbabwe Goblins - but I wouldn’t be all too surprised, someday, if something did surface. - Chris Pittman UFO Investigator, WKSJ?

YOU’RE STILL WRONG - POST MRR COLUMNS A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. – William James The most egregious onslaughts against the human spirit have always been perpetrated by the easily offended. – Jim Goad DECEMBER 18, 2014: My knees rest on either side of her head... the calves close to her ears. I squat. Her Latina nose tickles my puckering sphincter. I wonder how she breathes. I lean forward. My tightening testes press against her lips. She sucks one in. Then the other. Now both, pushing her tongue up to lift and separate those golden globes in her mouth. I’m furiously pumping myself. My pig appearing and disappearing in its hand blanket. Soon... soon... now! NOW! She can sense my coming release. I lift myself to switch. To have her finish off my petite pulsator. With my balls still in her mouth, I hear her try to speak. “Izshit hoofan hee?” is what I make out. “What?” I ask, holding back as best I can. “What did you say?” “Izshit hoofan hee?” she repeats. Uh oh, I’m either gonna cum all over her chin... or lose the urge. I gotta solve this problem quick. I lift my balls out of her mouth and ask again. “Is it gluten free?” she asks. I spew. NOW: You know it. You can’t have dinner with people anymore... unless you make it only water... filtered water. I don’t eat meat. I don’t eat carbohydrates. I can’t take spicy food. No alcohol, it’s bad for my pituitary. I’m cutting down on salt. Anything that comes from the ocean makes me break into hives. I’m allergic to peanuts. Ad nauseam. People are sensitive to ANYTHING. Health consciousness has become so obsessive that almost any food has legions who can’t eat that stuff.Picky eating has replaced joyful gluttony. We’re so sensitive we can’t enjoy anything, choosing our meals to avoid what we can’t eat, rather than digging into what we love. This new body sensitivity mirrors a MIND sensitivity. I was witness to the world’s dumbest facebook discussion as one person asked another about about the birds in England. “I am not a bird,” answered the offended receiver. “I am a woman.” Of course, bird is simply the British version of chick... an avian word for female. (Or at least it was in the 60s.) It’s as offensive as navel lint... or should be. But the huff and the puff around this post! Oy vey! It’s hard to believe this is 2014. What the fuck happened?

UNBELIEVABLE! EMERGENCY ZIMBABWE GOBLIN SPECIAL! UNBELIEVABLE! almost always contains a story related to a variety of dangerous (sometimes deadly) problems of folks who make the mistake of owning or buying a goblin! Since my last news column which included a situation where a goblin bottled in a vial of blood terrified an entire Zimbabwe police station, and clearing the place out, I have found five different articles pertaining to goblin hysteria: that’s more than one a month! After coming across this unique phenomenon to Zimbabwe, I decided to try and figure out what exactly these damn goblins are!? Are they some kind of supernatural entity, conjured up through the black arts? Faerie-like creatures similar to those in old European folklore? Mystical fetishes or luck charms which take on human-like qualities or personalities? Are they some psychological abstract idea that the larger Zimbabwe culture uses to frighten and warn folks for being too greedy or deviant? Or perhaps they are the ¼ hit dice monsters with an armor class of 8 that many of us may associate with the term! The majority of goblin stories originate at the Bulawayo24news.com news site, which is one of several major news sources in Zimbabwe. How reliable is this site? Is it similar to our supermarket tabloids? News media has increasingly become more strict in Zimbabwe, often not allowing Western news at all. Zimbabwe is a country which often is in civil revolt: are these reports of goblins an attempt by opposing political forces to make the Zimbabwe villagers appear to be foolish and superstitious? In several attempts to reach out to both cryptozoologists and the skeptical community who deal with and debunk many monster sightings, neither side were able to give this reporter any clue as to what these Zimbabwe goblins are. Furthermore, on more than one occasion, I was told that Western research of Zimbabwe culture (or folklore) is very low, so any deeper investigations into the goblin don’t seem to be happening here. All I can do is put together the few clues I have found, looking at the variety of brief news stories describing the goblins always running amuck. Goblin stories almost

HE SAID THE P-WORD! I’ll tell you. After the opening and taboo-destroying 70s and 80s... a new, stronger, set of taboos has raced in to fill the void. Southern Christian parents warn their children against the F-word. While every New fuckin’ Yorker uses that fuckin’ word at least four fuckin’ times in every fuckin’ sentence. (My favorite NYC t-shirt: FUCK YOU! You fuckin’ fuck!) That looks like progress, at least here in America’s largest city. But New fuckin’ Yorkers are so squeamish... so sensitive about THE N-WORD for race, the C-WORD for gender, the H-WORD and the L-WORD for sex preference. Then there’s the D-WORD. (It’s medication, don’t you know?)

always begin with some individual purchasing (or inheriting) a goblin, which are originally meant to to provide good luck or prosperity in business, but eventually makes continuous demands of food, human blood and sex, which results in the goblin tormenting the individual until it is gratified or destroyed by supernatural means! Physical descriptions of goblins are very rare, and usually only offer the readers the knowledge that folks not connected with a goblin are terrified by the sight of them. In my news brief back in PORK 14, where goblins terrified a police station, the goblin which was held in a bottle of blood, in an individuals suitcase, was described as a snake with the head of a dog, while others described its appearance as a dog with scales similar to those of a pangolin!? Since the goblin is described as a creature hidden or locked away (another article described a goblin falling out of a man’s pants), many of the stories describe a very small creature. However, goblins have been described as sex-starved and even been known to have engaged in sexual intercourse with humans, male and female! Goblins often are described as hard to kill or maim, often forcing individuals who do try to attack a goblin or to defend themselves, and have used a variety of tools, golf clubs, pepper spray (did those Zimbabwe police attempt to shoot a goblin?), without any results. Zimbabwe traditional healers or other mystics are generally summoned to banish or destroy the goblins. When physically assaulted, one villager described the goblin’s screams of pain to sound exactly like the moos of a cow! Goblins, when faced with those attempting to destroy them, are capable of defending themselves with fatal consequences as described in one incident occurring in a community near Chitungwiza, where a traditional exorcist beheaded a goblin. Besides the beheading, exorcising the head was a requirement of the ritual, however, the goblin in this situation burst into flames, blowing up the home and killing five individuals. Despite the many news stories describing the goblin as a physical creature which walks, stalks individuals, communicates verbally with villagers, has sex, eats, and is obviously described as a physical humanoid, a few articles describe goblins as good luck charms or fetishes. The one picture of a Zimbabwe goblin, which has repeatedly appeared with different goblin articles, shows a Zimbabwe villager holding up a decorated coconut, which has some wood carved, diminutive fiend on top of it. The Zimbabwe goblin is a phenomenon which demands further research.. Are they creatures exclusive to remote and rural communities of Zimbabwe, can they be exported to other countries, and does President Robert Mugabe have an official opinion on the goblin? I will continue to do investigations regarding this African cryptoid, and release all information I learn to the readers of PORK. -JJMK There are those who say, “Look, the First Amendment is about laws. So if the government does it, it’s bad. If CORPORATE AMERICA does it, it’s good.” Often, these are the same folks who criticize the U.S. for being ruled by corporations. Wake up, CORPORATE AMERICA IS THE GOVERNMENT! For these folks, if a radio network fires Imus for talking about nappy heads... it’s not censorship. If Walmart forces Nirvana to change their lyrics... it’s not censorship. If another radio network drops The Dixie Chicks for criticizing George Bush... it’s not censorship. It’s the free market. Wrong! It’s the free market AND it’s censorship. It’s not a violation of the constitution, but that doesn’t make it any less censorship. When Walmart forced Nirvana to change their lyrics there was no way for those who wanted the original lyrics to hear them... and no way even to find out about them. Blocking information is censorship.

The marketplace can be a more vicious censor than the government. Usually, when the government censors something we know about it. Even A fellow teacher whispers to me in the teacher’s lounge. “Mykel,” she in pre-Snowden times, there were trials against ULYSSES and TROPIC OF says, “I can’t believe that guy. He said the P-word... in class. I don’t believe CANCER. They made the news. People could smuggle in the forbidden it. He’s gonna get fired for that one.” books... or at least know they were forbidden. With “free market” censorship, we have to rely on the free market. If you keep up on the issues or The P-word? What the fuck is the P-word? Piss? Paki? Pollack? Pedofollow the National Coalition Against Censorship you might have an idea. phile? Prairie Nigger? I can’t imagine! I never heard of the P-word – but I But it takes more work than the average Leroy has time for. guess there’s one for every letter. It’s not only the traditional minorities. Even those who it used to be OK to My fellow Jews are notoriously thin-skinned. There’s that famous scene in make fun of are now so sensitive that they fall for everything. Annie Hall, where Woody Allen talks about how Jews see anti-Semitism in the most innocuous things. I’m not above it. Phil Robertson was “fired” from the Duck Dynasty for an interview in GQ Magazine. [Aside: GQ is the number one magazine for When someone says “Did you eat yet?” Woody hears “Jew eat yet?” Jew? high fashion closet queens. It’s not the place you’d expect a hillbilly to Jew? See? He’s anti-Semitic! give an interview. That alone would have made a less sensitive guy suspicious.] I joined the outraged rage against freedom of speech. Jews have even appropriated the word anti-Semitic, which SHOULD mean against Semites. That is, all Arabs and about a third of the Jews. “How could they fire someone for speaking his mind?” I asked, along with Now, it ONLY means JEWS... and if you object... why, you’re ANTI-SEMIT- the sensitive rednecks outraged at the injustice. I posted on my facebook. IC! Wrote about it in this column, my typing fingers shaking with indignity. The Jewish Anti-Defamation League was the first. Jews are often the first to do things – like invent the theory of relativity, Communism, and the atom bomb. Among religious or ethnic groups we are the most easily offended. The ADL website says “The goal is to develop industry standards that balance effective restrictions on anti-Semitism, hate, and bigotry with respect for the right to free speech.” Sorry, buckaroos. You CAN’T balance restrictions on speech with the right to free speech. To quote my hero William O. Douglas about the first amendment: “No law (against free speech) means NO LAW, dammit.” The Jewish Anti-Defamation League (now the plain old Anti-Defamation League) is the modern version of 1950s McCarthyism. Seeing anti-Semitism under every bed, and in every dark corner... they extend the idea that anyone anti-Israel is anti-Semitic. Sound familiar? It should, that’s what Israel itself says. But the Jews are only the circumcised tip of the iceberg. Check it out! We’ve got: The Polish anti-defamation league, Christian anti-defamation league, African anti-defamation league, Hispanic anti- defamation league, Arab anti-defamation league, Gay and Lesbian anti-defamation league, who’s left? Well what about the Cab driver anti-defamation league? I shit you not. Maybe the nastiest of the anti-defamation groups is the Southern Poverty Law Center whose hate-watch division labels more than a thousand groups as hate groups. The implication is, we gotta get rid of these guys. Hate the haters. They preach intolerance. We can’t tolerate that. It’s all about being offended... and some kind of right NOT to be so. First, let’s get something straight. The idea of FREE SPEECH means there is NO RIGHT not to be offended. You can say you’re offended. Tell people what offended you. You can just answer it. You don’t stop it. Even if that censorship is legal, it’s still WRONG! But even to be offended these days!! It’s like a gluten allergy. Are you really that sensitive? I’m Jewish, short, old, bald, and slimly endowed. If someone calls me a short old bald pencil-dick Jew... they’re right. I may feel somewhat embarrassed, but I won’t be offended. One of my many proud moments is when Jim Goad called me an elfin Heeb. I am not uneducated, pimpled, shy or obsessively clean. If someone calls me a dumb bashful pizza-faced germaphobe, I’ll laugh and ask, ”How does your colon look from the inside?” I won’t be offended.

A facebook pal immediately answered that the whole thing was a trick... an A&E publicity stunt to solidify fan support. “No way!” I said. “The network is just S-O-O-O-O SENSITIVE, that they’ll cave in to the homo mafia.”

no law means no law! I was wrong. It was ME who was s-o-o-o sensitive. In less than a week, Robertson was “rehired” and everything was hunky dory... with more publicity than thousands of paid commercials. It WAS a trick! Why was I such an idiot? In the 60s and 70s ethnic humor WAS humor. The earliest I remember were the Polish Jokes: Q. Why can’t they make ice cubes in Poland? A. They lost the recipe. There were Jew jokes: Q. How do you get 25 Jews into a Volkswagen? A. Throw in a quarter. Negro jokes: A black woman was filling out forms at the welfare office. Under Number of children, she wrote 10 and where it said List names of children, she wrote Leroy. When she handed in the form, the woman behind the desk pointed out: “Now here where it says ‘List names of children,’ you’re supposed to write the names of each of your children.” “Dey all named Leroy,” said the black woman. “That’s very unusual. When you call them, how do they know which one you want?” asked the welfare worker. “Oh, den I uses the last names.” Homo jokes: Q: What does one homo say to another who’s going on vacation? A: Can I help you pack your shit? Redneck jokes: You know you’re a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Grandma and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by. WASP jokes: Q. How can you spot a WASP in the gym? A. He’s the one who steps out of the shower to take a piss. Everybody joked... and everybody was the butt of jokes. It was FUN. People laughed.

Now, Jimmy Kimmel joking about the Chinese gets protest marches – and posters of himself with a Hitler mustache. I’d say the Chinese are almost as touchy as the Jews, but Israel one-ups them and makes it ILLEGAL to Of course, the TRUE epithet usually hurts more than the fantasy, but embarrassed or humored, that’s part of life as a human. I don’t need to be call anyone a Nazi (especially those in the Israeli government.) Give me a break. Loosen up! protected. And I’m not offended.

FREE SPEECH MEANS THERE IS NO RIGHT NOT TO BE OFFENDED! YOU MIGHT BE A TYPICAL PORK READER IF YOU THINK BOBBY MADNESS IS SERIOUS & YOU DON’T CARE!


fIRE - El Guerrero

if FIRES flacCID be ...DRIVE thy STRAW aSUNder 1 Large Egg Half ounce Fresh Grapefruit Juice Half ounce Lemon Juice Dash of Bittermens Boston Bittahs 2 oz Flor de Cana or White Rum Rim the glass with Tajin Pepper Jarritos Grapefruit Soda (Slowly edge Soda along inside of glass rim until Fizz rises completely)

WITH JAKE KELLY

“Every man’s heart one day beats its final beat. His lungs breathe their final breath and if what that man did in his life makes the blood pulse through the body of others and makes them believe deeper in something larger than life, then his essence, his spirit will be immortalized by the storytellers, by the loyalty, by the memory, by those who honor him and make the running the man did live forever.”

WHAT IZZ THE FIZZ?

The Fizz was a radical drink when first concocted in the late 1800’s, and it still is. Fizzez-iz the enigmatic L.A.M.F. cure-all for Hangover, Thirst, OCD, OPP, TGIF, dropsy, malaise, malaria and social anxiety disorder. It imparts both velvety and spikey textures on the palate while whizbanging the unsuspecting tippler with Vitamin C and a protein kick. It contains in its DNA the alchemical formula for emulsification.. and this emulsion is all about joining Protein (Egg) into a Foam.

wATER - First Crush be THINE heart CLEFT in TWAIN? ...slurpETH thee HITHer

Underberg Aromatic Bitters, 1 full 20 cl bottle (.67 fl oz) London Dry Gin 1 Ounce Egg White of 1 Large Egg Fresh Lemon Juice, 1/2 Ounce Fresh Lime Juice, 1/2 Ounce Orange Soda Pop (Drizzle Bittersweet Orange Teardrops: Slowly and gently pour small drips of Orange Soda Pop around the inner edge of glass lip. Fizz will rise to the top as Orange sinks to the bottom)

Have a Fizz-Off party to re-enact the teams of 20 bartenders formerly employed at bars in New Orleans who spent all night passing the shakers back and forth to satisfy the demand for FIZZZ. Just when you dig Aviations? reSIStance IS fuTILE! think your arm is gonna fall of, pass the shaker... London Dry Gin 1 & 1/2 Ounce Egg White of 1 Large Egg Fresh Lemon Juice, 1 Ounce Luxardo Marascino, 1/2 Ounce Creme de Violette, 1/2 Ounce Blue Raspberry Soda Pop drink OF ye THIS fizz, AND conVERSE like A whiz... (Create Layers of Blue Strata: funnel Blue Soda Pop to bottom of glass with long spiral barspoon, or down the inside of a soda straw) Egg White of 1 Large Egg Fresh Lemon Juice, 1/2 Ounce Fresh Lime Juice, 1/2 Ounce Chilled Espresso, 1 Ounce - FIRST ALWAYS DRY SHAKE (NO ICE) ALL INGREDIENTS TOGETHER, Ramazzotti Amaro, 1 Ounce EXCLUDING SODA. Heavy Cream 1/2 Ounce - SHAKE YOUR SHAKER REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD FOR AT LEAST Simple Syrup 1/2 Ounce or 1/2 Tbsp Powdered Sugar THREE MINUTES. THIS WILL GIVE YOUR EGG WHITE A GREAT HEAD Soda Water (Slowly edge Soda along inside of glass rim until Fizz START TOWARD FIZZING-UP. rises completely) - NEXT RE-OPEN YOUR SHAKER AND ADD SOME ICE. USE ONLY TWO-THIRDS THE ICE YOU WOULD REGULARLY USE FOR SHAKING, ‘CAUSE ITS REALLY GONNA MELT AND EXPAND IN THERE. - THIS SECOND SHAKE SHOULD TAKE AT LEAST 4 MINUTES, AND CAN yours, HENry C. raMOS, 1888 TAKE UP TO 12 MINUTES. REMEMBER TO USE A BUDDY SYSTEM SO YOU CAN LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO ENJOY YOUR FIZZ. WHEN YOUR Egg White of 1 Large Egg ARM GETS TIRED, PASS IT ON. SHAKE UNTIL YOUR ICE HAS ALL Fresh Lemon Juice, 1/2 Ounce BROKEN INTO TINY SHARDS OR SMALLER. YOU CAN TELL WHEN ITS Fresh Lime Juice, 1/2 Ounce READY ‘CAUSE YOUR ICE WILL NO LONGER MAKE NOISE. London Dry Gin 1 & 1/2 Ounces - THEN POUR INTO TALL SKINNY GLASS LIKE A COLLINS OR HIGHHeavy Cream 1/2 Ounce BALL GLASS. THE NARROWER YOUR GLASS, THE MORE YOUR FIZZ Simple Syrup 1/2 Ounce or 1/2 Tbsp Powdered Sugar WILL RISE. Orange Flower Water 2 or 3 drops - AND THEN, APPLY SODA AS DIRECTED IN THE DIFFERENT RECIPES... Soda Water (Whisk into top of fizz until fizz rises up and over side of - FINALLY, STICK A STRAW IN IT!!! glass) - JAKE RAT

ETHER - The Outer Limit

enter Ye Five Fizz

EARTH - Espresso Ramazzotti Fizz

GENERAL DIRECTIONS

HE NEEDED TO BE THE ULTIMATE! The Ultimate Warrior ascended into Parts Unknown literally eight hours after I had already turned in this issue’s column, but surely this event was worth stopping the presses for. While he is far from being one of my all-time favorite wrestlers, do not expect a hatchet job on Jim Hellwig the person. Surely, my “smart fan” observations on Hellwig’s locker room conduct and his personal politics have little to no place in this magazine. Instead, let us remember the in-ring persona that was quite exciting to watch in the WWF ring during the late 80s and early 90s. Warrior was first brought to my attention via the wrestling magazines back in 1986 when he was known simply as “Rock,” a member of the Blade Runners tag team in the UWF. The Blade Runners—Rock’s partner was “Sting,” who wrestling fans may have heard of—were nothing more than a Road Warriors knockoff, but you have to start somewhere. During this time, I don’t think anyone would have guessed that either of these two musclebound goons would go to ANY height in professional wrestling, much less what they managed to achieve in their respective singles careers. After the tag team split up, Blade Runner Rock moved on to Texas and World Class Championship Wrestling, changing his name to the Dingo Warrior. As a member of the World Class roster, the Dingo Warrior enjoyed a tag team title reign alongside Lance Von Erich and won the Texas Heavyweight Championship in a tournament final that took place in January of 1987. Supposedly, New Japan was interested in having him portray their “Big Van Vader” character, but the Dingo Warrior instead signed with the WWF later that year. After a few months on the house show circuit, Warrior made his WWF television debut on the October 25th broadcast of Wrestling Challenge, running over perennial jobber Terry Gibbs like a freight train. With his debut came another moniker change. Wrestling already had the Road Warriors wrestling for the NWA, as well as Kerry Von Erich referring to himself as the Modern Day Warrior in World Class. The WWF’s warrior needed to stand tall and proud above the rest—he needed to be ULTIMATE. The Ultimate Warrior was born. Warrior dove into his Ultimate role with gusto, capturing the imaginations of kids all across America. Most wrestlers walked to the ring; the Ultimate Warrior took off out of the locker room at a full sprint. When his entrance music hit the PA speakers, you knew that some poor sap like Gibbs or Steve Lombardi was about to get his ass handed to him quickly and effectively. Herein lays another bone of contention I have with the workrate fanatics and their at-times-unrealistic expectations of more character-driven wrestlers. While I understand that the brief duration of his matches was usually by design due to his lack of cardio training, I gotta wonder how you can possibly expect matches featuring a guy named the ULTIMATE WARRIOR to last longer than thirty seconds against a much lesser foe. His main event push began when he snapped Hercules Hernandez’ chain during a tug-of-war that led to their collision at WrestleMania IV in 1988. When the Honky Tonk Man found himself without a challenger to his Intercontinental championship at the inaugural Summerslam later that year, out came the Ultimate Warrior much to everyone’s surprise. You knew exactly what was going to happen—Honky’s fourteen-month tenure as champ was going to end in about as many seconds! I actually had the privilege of witnessing one of their return bouts live at the Oakland Coliseum that fall. Fortunately, it lasted a bit longer than their match at Summerslam. The Ultimate Warrior’s Intercontinental title reign led him to another deceased wrestling legend, Ravishing Rick Rude, who took the belt from him at WrestleMania V with a little bit of help from manager Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Fortunately, all of the little Warriors saw their new hero come back at Summerslam ’89 to wrest his championship back from the Ravishing One’s grasp. From there, the Warrior embarked on a war against the Heenan Family, beating Andre the Giant at house shows in mere seconds. Mind you, the Giant had taken Hulk Hogan to the limit at WrestleMania III two years earlier, so seeing him dispatched so quickly and easily was a HUGE deal to many of us younger wrestling fans. Speaking of the Hulkster, his time would come as well. After a few in-ring confrontations between the two, the stage was set for the Ultimate Challenge—the Warrior was actually going to step into the squared circle with his Intercontinental championship and challenge Hulk Hogan for the world title at WrestleMania VI. An epic clash that defied expectations took place, dividing the audience’s loyalties as many of us were not used to “good guys” wrestling against one another. The Ultimate Warrior more than held up his end of the match and came out on top, standing tall with both championship belts in hand. Of course, the Intercontinental title was later vacated, but that is beside the point. The stage was set for the Ultimate Warrior to carry the WWF banner into the 1990s…or was it?

AIR - Original Ramos Gin Fizz

the Ultimate Warrior set his sights on the Macho Man. The stage was set for WrestleMania VII, in which the two titans would collide with their respective careers on the line. The Ultimate Warrior emerged victorious in a fantastic battle that was even better than his championship match against Hogan the year before, sending Savage into retirement. Savage came out of retirement shortly after, but that is another story for another time. WrestleMania VII was really the conclusion of the Ultimate Warrior story, as his career went downhill during the rest of 1991. A rivalry with Jake “The Snake” Roberts had promise, but the build-up vignettes were a little too dark and weird for my tastes as a fan. Matches between the two never took place, as the Warrior became embroiled in a financial dispute with Vince McMahon that saw the WWF owner temporarily accept his wrestler’s demands before benching Warrior for the next eight months. His next appearance would be at the end of WrestleMania VIII, in which he saved Hulk Hogan from a post-match attack by the likes of Sid Justice and Papa Shango. Although the audience was happy to see him back, their enthusiasm was short-lived thanks to a goofy rivalry with Shango that nobody particularly enjoyed watching. After failing one too many steroid tests during 1992, the Ultimate Warrior was fired or quit, depending on whom you talk to. The legend faded into obscurity for the next several years before a brief return to the WWF fold, as well as an embarrassing four-match run with WCW in 1998 where Warrior and Hogan attempted to recreate their 1990 magic that resulted in one of the worst matches of all-time. The Ultimate Warrior’s wrestling career was definitely over. The Ultimate Warrior died several days after being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame by Linda McMahon and not even twenty-four hours after an appearance on Monday Night Raw. His remarks on Raw seemed to foreshadow his own death, serving as a eulogy to his career and the way he tried to live his life. Beneath his often-incomprehensible promos was the positive message that although our world is often harsh and fucked up, we each can strive to be better people and to never lose sight of the values and ideals that make you who you are. Not a bad way to live if you ask me. Thoughts on WrestleMania XXX: Easily the best ‘Mania of the past ten years and probably in the top four of all-time. Those of you who enjoy professional wrestling but tuned out on WWE years ago might want to reconsider, for their current roster is the best they have had in years. We saw WWE officially step into the future and finally put the Attitude Era to rest once and for all. The Shield crushed the New Age Outlaws and Kane while Antonio Cesaro entered the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal and won in grand fashion by body slamming the Big Show—over the goddamned top rope! Bray Wyatt and John Cena delivered a great story-teller of a match that firmly established Wyatt as a future great. Keep an eye on Bray Wyatt, folks! The 27-year-old has wrestling in his blood, being another in an increasing line of third-generation workers—the son of Mike Rotunda (Irwin R. Shyster to you more casual fans) and the grandson of the legendary Blackjack Mulligan. Following up on my previous column—which had been written shortly before the Undertaker’s WrestleMania opponent had been determined—I gotta say that although I did not expect Brock Lesnar to end the Streak, it makes sense that he did. Of course, there is rampant speculation that this is what ‘Taker was referring to when he confronted Lesnar (“you wanna do it?”) after his defeat at the hands of Cain Velasquez at UFC 121. The match itself was a dull affair, but the story of Brock Lesnar as Ivan Drago to the Undertaker’s Apollo Creed was effectively told. Paul Heyman’s reaction to the outcome was spot-on. I loved the audience reaction of pure shock; it showed me that wrestling fans are still invested and want to believe. Got to give A.J. Lee credit for doing the impossible by winning the deflated crowd back over with her performance in the Divas Elimination match, which directly followed the ‘Taker/Lesnar bout.

Although we as fans had every reason to believe that Warrior was Hulk Hogan’s successor, there were similarities between his time at the top and “Macho Man” Randy Savage’s year-long WWF championship reign between 1988 and 1989. Both were overshadowed by Hogan’s six-year run of dominance that saw him turn back every challenge, so who was supposed to pose a believable challenge to the Ultimate Warrior? Ted As for Daniel Bryan, no one could have been put over more strongly than DiBiase, Mr. Perfect, and Haku were all handily defeated, as was Warrior’s him as he just about walked through fire to stand tall as the WWE Chamold nemesis Rick Rude in a cage match at Summerslam ’90. With no real pion at the end of the night, with a stadium full of people chanting “YES! challenges on the horizon, the Ultimate Warrior’s drawing power began to YES! YES!” in one hell of a WrestleMania Moment. slip as the fans began to turn on him, not accepting him as the WWF’s new top dog after all. The 1991 Royal Rumble saw the Ultimate Warrior lose his I met Daniel Bryan years ago when he was still Bryan Danielson, aka the championship via Randy Savage’s outside interference to a returning Sgt. “American Dragon” and the toast of the independent wrestling scene. Slaughter, who had renounced his patriotic past to become an Iraqi symRing of Honor had managed to make it to the Bay Area, hosting an event pathizer during the first Gulf War. Rather than attempt to regain his title, at the fabled Cow Palace in San Francisco. Back in the 1960s and ‘70s, “Only the wisest & stupidest of men never change.” -Confucius

the Cow Palace was the place to be when promoter Roy Shire featured bouts with greats like Ray Stevens, Pat Patterson, and Pepper Gomez, known as “the man with the cast iron stomach.” Before his WWF arrival as Mr. Perfect, Curt Hennig established himself within the Cow Palace’s hallowed halls by defeating Nick Bockwinkel for the AWA championship. Unfortunately, San Francisco is not the wrestling town it used to be and only about three hundred people bought tickets for the ROH card, which made for quite the empty arena. Those of us who attended—reportedly, Chris Jericho and Wrestling Observer editor Dave Meltzer were hiding in the nosebleed section—were treated to a fine bout pitting Danielson against future TNA star Austin Aries in the second match of their best-of-three series. After the card, I made a point to try to get my poster for the event signed by whoever I could, but getting Bryan Danielson’s signature was the highest priority. Eventually, Danielson came out from the locker room to visit with the fans and appeared to be half amused and half tripping out on the punk rock longhair wanting his autograph. While he was signing my poster, I told him that I specifically paid to see his match and that I looked forward to seeing him in the WWE ring someday. The latter statement made him laugh, but he expressed his appreciation and I went on my merry way with my mission accomplished. However, I can honestly say that I did not expect to see Danielson reach the very top of the WWE ladder. After Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero got there and then flamed out before dying their respective horrible deaths, I just felt like it would be a very long time before WWE ever gave the ball back to anyone else who spelled it capital W-R-E-S-T-L-I-N-G and not “sports-entertainment.” The ball appears to be firmly in Bryan’s court now and I think WWE may actually be ready to acknowledge what the second “W” in their initials actually stands for after all these years. Wrestling is about to be a whole lot more fun with Daniel Bryan, Bray Wyatt, Brock Lesnar, Cesaro, and the Shield being the WWE focal points. Times have changed since the territorial wars of the 1980s and the Monday Night War of the late ‘90s, folks. The truly great wrestling minds— those who are still alive, that is—have either knocked themselves out of the box over the years or are employed by Vince McMahon. Do not expect a feasible number two wrestling promotion to come up like WCW did any time soon. The mainstream-casual fans that could support such an endeavor went off and found their own “alternatives” called UFC and Bellator. Those fans are not going to suddenly pull an about-face on MMA and come back to pro wrestling either; their thirst for televised violence is being quenched on a regular basis. Truth be told, if you want a non-WWE product to watch, your alternatives are out there if you want them. Unfortunately, none of them have television deals like WWE or TNA—we’re talking true-blue indie wrestling here. From what I can tell, some of the same promotions that were around years ago are still alive and kicking. Both Combat Zone Wrestling and IWA Mid-South continue to fulfill the needs of fans who miss the more violent and gory side of ECW. Ring of Honor’s stature amongst the indie fans seems to have taken a back seat to the more lucha libre-influenced CHIKARA Pro, founded in 2002 by longtime indie darlings Mike Quackenbush and Reckless Youth. Speaking of lucha libre, I hear that the AAA promotion has signed a deal with El Rey Network to begin broadcasting lucha for American audiences later this year. For the record, AAA is where luchadores like Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Konnan, Psicosis, and Juventud Guerrera all cut their teeth before plying their trade in the United States. EMLL, Mexico’s oldest wrestling promotion, can likely be found on your local Spanish-language station. Lots of these matches can be found with a simple YouTube search. You can also search online to see if there are any small-time local promotions in your area. Apparently there are not one but TWO different promotions operating up in the PORKLAND area, for instance. I believe one of them actually has a TV slot locally, with local legend ROWDY RODDY PIPER occasionally stopping by on guest commentary! That is just what limited internet research told me; you can feel free to delve deeper on your own. Delving deeper is the key here, wrestling fans! You’ve gotta do it if you are serious about your pro wrestling alternative! After all, you ARE aware that there is an entire underground punk rock scene that is fully functional without big label intervention and bands like Green Day…why would it not be the same for professional wrestling? Start digging!


Portland Zinefest 2014 - PC Nazi Takeover Well, the PC Nazi takeover of the Portland Zine Fest seems about complete, with women-only zine workshops. Every year the Zine Fest gets weaker and more marginalized, as personal agendas and political dogma trump creativity and talent. Elitist rich kids replace street level Punks, and the focus narrows. What was a creative outlet for brokesters and intelligentsia becomes a college course with a Paypal account. The dog imitates the master, and gender lines are enforced by people claiming to be against gender bias, stealing a page from the Tea Party double-speak playbook. It’s cute, and kind of silly/cool in a retro kind of way, to play the manhater card. Its probably a good way to piss off men, who are probably bending over backwards trying to accommodate feminists. You know, the White hipster apologist types who still haven’t figured out the futility of trying to help radical feminism. Radical feminism, lately, is a joke. Half the feminists out there hate it. It’s divisive, blindly attacking anything and everything. It’s not helping anyone, except maybe it’s helping redneck conservatives who gain members to their wacko clubs from people who are scared of the cartoon politics that radical feminists have become. Really, most radical politics are pretty silly. Look at radical anarchists. A bunch of working people unite to have a march for a decent cause - and then a small group of anarchists use it as an excuse to smash out windows and destroy shit, pushing the agenda off a cliff, just to start a fight. It’s no different with radical feminism. Radicals aren’t interested in change or discourse. They want to fight. That’s their agenda. Anyone else’s agenda is treated as worthless to them. They’re bullies, really. It’s no big deal, but it’s not for everyone. So now that bullies run the Portland Zine Fest, they have to shut people out, and discriminate against men. They’re bullies - if they’re not mean, they can’t hate. It’s a revenge trip. The Portland Zine Fest used to be an OK place to go trade some shit, maybe meet some Punks, hang out. I mean, it probably still is, honestly. But it seems stupid to feature a bunch of pissed-off people whose writing and art is just not that great. Making up all these stupid rules and shit, censoring and banning material - basically judging everything in front of them. Its goofy, and just limits people’s choices of what they get to see. Half the shit they write about is just stuff they learned in classes at college - “White men rule the world”, “Use I statements” “Racism is everywhere”. I’m not disputing the material, it just seems like you already hear all that shit from counselors and shrinks. If I want therapy, I’ll get a real book on it, not a zine. Real people realize that if you want to change the way people think and act, you establish dialogue - you don’t just treat them like an enemy and exclude them. If I knew some radical feminists that didn’t treat me like shit because I’m male, I’d probably be right there with them, campaigning against sexism, rape culture, and the inequalities in the workplace. But when they exclude me based on gender because they can’t handle power without being bullies, I think, “Well, at least they only get 79 cents for every dollar a man gets. We have that, at least, so I guess it doesn’t matter.”

The Upcoming Race War You know what I am so sick and tired of hearing about? The upcoming total race war! I mean, shit or get off the pot with the upcoming race war already! I can’t tell you how many of my (and yours, I’m sure!) friends are so into this inevitable war between the races, it’s almost like they’re preparing for it! Like, they want it to happen so bad,they’re gonna MAKE it happen! Like collecting 20 AK-47′s and some highly explosive C-4 is REALLY GONNA start the “Yah-weh”,as described in The Turner Diaries! I’m so sure! The Turner Diaries is a fairy tale I read my kid at night, you fuckin’ faggot-ass niggas! Shiiiiiit. Race war my ass! Race you to the fridge is more like it! Race war this, race war that! Man, shut the fuck UP, American History X and shit! Just because Charles Manson said it doesn’t mean it’s true! I’m like, always a buzzkill around the “White Power” crowd, especially here in Portland! I’m always like, “I’m Jewish!” or ”I’m an FBI agent!”, as a joke, right in the middle of their threatening phone call! Besides, when you think your race is better than anyone else’s, that’s a good way to get buttfucked in prison! You might like that idea, and it’s not for me to judge - but I do know this - just because you’re a white honky cracker doesn’t mean you’re employee of the year! Christopher Columbus didn’t set this great nation free so white people could be mean to stupid foreigners! Witches were burned to death trying to earn the rights witches and warlocks enjoy EVERY DAY. Rambo fought the Germans in Vietnam so you could enjoy that beer, or that Oxycodone. Don’t be like Little Wayne, and grab a gun and kill every Black person in sight, just because you can get ghost like Casper. That ain’t right - and it isn’t American. It isn’t un-American either. In fact, it falls into this grey area (remember that movie The Grey? That shit sucked), maybe Middle American, or….Belgian? I don’t know, but anyways - keep it real in the field - stay gay, and don’t let the sucka mutha-fucka’s get ya’ down!

WHITE PEOPLE When I was a kid, my dad told me that my heroes were Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy. That was that. He gave me two huge hardcover books on each one, and I studied them. Martin Luther King peacefully fought for human rights, and John F. Kennedy defied the stereotypes that people had of Irish Catholics. I was taught that we were all part of one race - the human race. It was what was inside that counted - how you acted - how you treated people. Not what color your skin was. That mattered to bigots, not smart people. My parents were both solid Democrats. They were for equality. My mother was a feminist. She was always demanding equal rights, and telling us not to settle for anything less. When I was 7, I got in a fight with my friend Roger, and called him a racist epithet, and he beat me up for it. My dad found out about it, and whupped me upside the head. Besides that, I never really had that many problems with race. People hated me because I was poor, but that’s economic. When I was living on the streets as a youngster, I loved rap music. I was trying to be a street dealer, and it would not be an exaggeration to say 9 out of 10 interactions with B-Boys I got jumped, and had my shit ripped off. After awhile, I figured out that as a white guy on the street, I was a target. Luckily, a few people were cool to me, so I never really turned too racist, but I definitely developed a sixth sense that kept me on my toes. I exist in a counterculture. It’s not racial. I dont care what race people are. When I was living in Oakland, the Rodney King riots started. Racial politics were a big deal. I didn’t think it was going to be that hard to deal with - I figured the cops were to blame. When I saw white people getting their ass stomped on TV, I figured, “Well, I guess that evens the score - Now there’s some videos of 5 Black guys kicking a White guys ass. Guess we’re even.” Next thing I know, everybody I run into is giving me shit because I’m white. I’m “part of the problem.” “What have YOU done to stop racism?” I mean, when my friends gave me shit for NOT being racist, I told them to fuck off, but that’s about it. A lot of my white friends started packing heat, telling me to watch it. I lived in a black neighborhood, but besides people calling me Casper and Gretzky all the time, I never had too many problems. I had a shotgun pulled on me when I told some guys not to whistle at my girl, and some Mexicans in a low rider threw a Big Gulp at my head, but I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. But then all of a sudden, it seemed, all these political yelling people wanted to know why I was white. I went to pick my girl up at Laney, and they were having this big rally, and the speaker starts yelling at me! She points me out in the crowd,and starts yelling,”I want to know why he’s here in our neighborhood!” Everybody seemed really mad at me. Finally all the “Get out of our neighborhood” remarks sunk in. Why was I in this neighborhood? Maybe it was stupid to try to live in California and be white. White people were getting stomped at protests, and getting their bikes stolen. I never had these problems in New York, but there I guess people had the Hasidics to hate, so I was safe. I wasnt going to get a gun and join the other side. I called my brother in Portland, and he said, “Move up here and check it out. Everybody’s white up here.” I moved the next day.I still try not to take race into consideration when I deal with people. It bugs me when I hear people generalize about Whites,or Blacks,or shit like that. What about mixed race people, or adopted people, who don’t know what race they are? I still like to think of the human race as one big family, but it’s hard. YOU MIGHT BE A TYPICAL PORK READER IF YOU THINK DVDS & CDS SUCK.


COMIC ISLAND: DUMB FUNNIES FOR FUN DUMBIES

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$20 PORK READERS are BOTH THE CREAM OF THE CROP & THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, TURNING TRASH INTO BACON & PORKING ALL NIGHT LONG. SHOW THIS STUPID WORLD THAT YOU GET DIRTY & DOWN WITH IT.

real madness comix!

$40 OR $50 WITH BOTTOM ROCKER BY PORK FÜHRER SEAN ÄABERG. IN THE DESPERATE YEAR OF 2014 AS RIOTS ERUPT WORLDWIDE, IT’S TIME TO SIDE WITH AN ARMY OF THE DARK FUTURE, AN ARMY THAT IS IN IT TO WIN IT, AN ARMY THAT LIVES FREE OR DIES TRYING. DON’T LISTEN TO THOSE OTHER TURKEYS, THE PORK ARMY IS THE ONLY ARMY WORTH JOINING!!! WITH NEW LIMITED EDITION BLACK & WHITE CANVAS BACK PATCH, TWO NEW LIMITED EDITION SCREEN-PRINTED POSTERS, NEW LIMITED EDITION BLACK&WHITE PORK ARMY EMBROIDERED PATCH, PORK IRON CROSS, PORK ARMY BUTTONS, THE PORK CODE & YOUR OWN PORK ARMY MEMBERSHIP CARD! IT’S AN ABSURD PACKAGE TO GO ALONG WITH YOUR MEMBERSHIP IN THE RANKS OF THE GREASIEST, GRIMIEST, SCUMMIEST, MOST WANTON BAND OF DESPERADOES THAT EVER SLITHERED OUT OF THE SLIME PITS OF PORKLAND. UNLIKE OTHER ARMIES, THE PORK ARMY DOESN’T GO AROUND ACTING UPTIGHT TRYING TO POLICE PEOPLE’S BEHAVIOR OR FORCE THEM TO DO ANYTHING. THERE’S NO SHAMING. THERE’S NO BULLSHIT. NO ROADSIDE BOMBS (YET). NO MESS. NO FUSS. JUST PURE IMPACT. WEAR YOUR DENIM VEST ALL YEAR LONG! DRINK IN PUBLIC! HAVE A GANG, NO! AN ARMY OF FRIENDS READY TO PARTY WHEREVER YOU GO! WITH CHAPTERS IN ALMOST EVERY STATE & IN MOST BIG CITIES & EVEN IN FOREIGN LANDS LIKE MEXICO, CANADA, AUSTRIA, AUSTRALIA & THE UK, THERE IS NO EXCUSE TO NOT JOIN! SEIZE THE TIME! PORK TIME! GET DOWN & GET WITH IT!

$8 RADICAL WOOD SLINGSHOT WITH TOUGH RUBBER SLING & REAL LEATHER POUCH. NOT UNLIKE THE ORIGINAL WHAM-O SLINGSHOT FOR WHICH WHAM-O WAS NAMED. BECAUSE, WHAM-O, THIS SLINGSHOT CAN LAUNCH ROCKS, MARBLES, SMALL UNRIPE APPLES & M-80S AT ANYTHING. THIS THING CAN KILL. TWOK!

$20 $23 THIS IS AN AUTOSHOW YOUR LOVE BIOGRAPHICAL T-SHIRT. FOR GREAT BIG JUST THROW ME IN THE HAIRCUTS & PORK GARBAGE! DRINKING MAGAZINE WITH IN THE BUSHES. DRINKTHIS CHARGED ING BY THE DRAINAGE PORK T-SHIRT! DITCH. SNIFFING SOLPERFECT FOR SICK VENTS. POPPING PILLS. BOYS, SLUTS & CITY EATING GARBAGE. I’M A BABYS ATTACKED MESS! TIME TO PUT MYBY RATS! LEATHER, SELF WHERE BELONG. AT INTERNETPORK.COM for I more!!! BRISTLES & ACNE! WITH THE RATS & FLIES DISCHARGE PRINT IN THE ALLEY, NEXT TO ON SOFT, FITTED T. THE BANANA PEELS.

$23 NOTHING FREAKS OUT THE SQUARES LIKE SWASTIKAS! IN SEDITIONARIES STYLE, THIS DESTROY PORK T-SHIRT IS READY TO OFFEND & CONFUSE AN INCREASINGLY AGGRESSIVELY IGNORANT SOCIETY! DESTROY THEM! DISCHARGE PRINT ON SOFT, FITTED T.

PUT IT IN THE PIZZA t-shirt

$20 TEENAGE GIRLS & THEIR MOMS WILL BLUSH AS YOU PUSH YOUR WAY INTO THE ROOM. PEOPLE WILL TELL YOU, “MY DAD WAS A SIT ON MY FACE KINDA GUY!” & YOU’LL KNOW THE WORLD IS RIGHT.

weirdo club t-shirt

slingshot

blitzkrieg buttons! SO MANY designs!

$10 “A FUCKIN’ WAY OF LIFE!” 100 CONE 2.25” STUDS FOR YOUR DENIM OR1.25”, LEATHER! SO & ROUGH! SO TOUGH! SO SHINY! I WILL BE STUDDING JACKETS UNTIL I DIE. YOU ALSO.

real madness comix!

SIT ON MY FACE T-SHIRT

$20 SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU’RE NOT AFRAID OF SLIPPERY, SWEATY, GREASY DOGS SQUIRTING INTO YOUR EAGER LIPS BUNS! WE $1 & for TWO WOULDN’T BE HERE DESIGNS ALL THE TIME!!! TOUGH VINYL!!! IFNEW WIeNERS WEREN’T FULL COLOR!!! SLIPPING IT IN & KRAZY DESIGNS!!! PUT THEM SQUIRTING & SLIDINGALSO AVAILABLE IN GOBLINKO EVERYWHERE!!!! & GETTING NASTY. STICKER CARD VENDING MACHINES!!! WHERE’S MY&WOMAN?

stickers!!!!!

atomic pork patch

$6 I AM A CIDER DRINKER! I DRINKS IT ALL OF THE DAY! FOR ALL THE CIDER PUNKS & ASPIRING WANNABES, SHOW YOUR ALLEGIANCE TO THE RUSTIC PEOPLE’S DRINK. GOES GREAT WITH PORK!

STANDARD English ‘77 studs

$13 THE FRONTIER CALLS! HAND-MADE IN THE OZARKS WITH REAL RACCOON TAIL!!! PLACE THE COONSKIN CAP ON YOUR HEAD & FEEL A RUSH OF HISTORY INTO YOUR BONES!!!

stickers!!!!!

CIDER DRINKER patch

KAMIKAZE PUSSY PATCH

$6 3 INCHES OF EMBROIDERED CAT SCRATCH FEVER!!! KAMIKAZE PUSSY IS ON THE WAR PATH & NO ONE IS SAFE!!! HOW MANY LIVES DOES SHE HAVE LEFT? THIS PUSSY TAKES A POUNDING & BOUNCES BACK!!!

THE PORK SHOP MAIL ORDER!!!

PORK

LET’S SHOPPING!!! HOW TO ORDER!!! ORDER ONLINE: INTERNETPORK.COM ORDER BY PHONE: 541*556*4364 ORDER BY MAIL: PO BOX 90296 PORKLAND, OR 97290 U$A AMERICAN ORDERS ADD 16% FOR SHIPPING. FOREIGN ORDERS CHECK INTERNETPORK.COM FOR RATES YES, WE WHOLESALE! LOTS MORE ONLINE! CHECK IT OUT!

YOU MIGHT BE A TYPICAL PORK READER WHEN YOU THINK OF THE PORK SHOP EVERY TIME YOU GET YOUR PAY CHECK!


Portland

1022 W.Burnside ST #J (971) 271-8775

selfedge.com

SAN FRANCISCO 714 Valencia ST (415) 558-0658

los angeles

144 N. La Brea AVE (323) 933-9000

NEW YORK

157 Orchard ST (212) 388-0079

PORK #15  

DINO'S BOYS - DIRTY FENCES - HAMMERED SATIN - ST. RIPPER - IAN MILLER - SKINNER - SEAN DIGGER

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