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good/bad but not evil!

Derek Riggs-Ghoul-ZacharyJames&theAllSeeingEyes-Chop Jeff Gaither-ArturoVega-Al Goldstein-Monte Wolverton



the magazine of rock&roll america!

SUMMER 2012 issue 7

wanted! more readers like: nardwuar



sammy’s big decision





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avalon dabbs

by sean & katie

life got you down? no prospects? no direction? no future? all i hear these days is people giving up. making excuses. bemoaning shitty decisions. crying over spilled milk. blaming the man. it is time to be the man. it is time to be the pig. it is pork time. the time is now! seize it!


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Gewalttätigen & Zie


by Sean Äaberg

kool-aid pickles


snaggletooth knuckledusters

You know those crazy combat knives they sell at the flea market? The ones with spiked brassknuckles, eye-gouging spikes on the bottom & serrated neck-cutting blades? I always wonder, who the hell uses one of those? What sorts of terrible crimes have been committed with those ridiculous combat knives? I’ve decided that they aren’t really for actual use & are more for people obsessed with the aesthetics of brutality, not unlike your typical fan of Motörhead.


Are they cockroach time travellers from the future? Buggyboos are new vending machine toys by David Gonzalez of Homies fame. The characters are crazy alien bugs, there are 8 screwy designs & they look great next to all of my other 2” rubber figurines.

CAVE EVIL BY Emperors of Eternal Evil

CAVE EVIL is the first & only Necro-Demonic Dungeon-Brawl boardgame in existence. Evoking the gnarlier side of Death Metal & the Necro side of Black Metal, Cave Evil is what these kinds of games SHOULD BE. Not since Games Workshop's awesome CHAOS MARAUDERS has there been such a thematically correct & artistically minded boardgame. The damn thing has sold out, so I haven't been able to get a copy for the PORK HAUS, but this boxed abomination is just waiting for us to load up the bong, crank up the Darkthrone & engage as Evil Wizards have since before time began. Evilly.

Summer time is here & you need something sweet & sour to beat the heat. You need Kool-Aid Pickles. Unless you live in the south, you’re probably going to have to make your own. Get the big, gallon size jar of whole pickles. Drain the pickle juice into a gallon container. Add cherry or lemon lime KoolAid & two cups of sugar to the pickle juice & stir until it is completely dissolved. Add the pickle-aid back into the pickle jar, put the lid on it & refrigerate for a week. Big hits at barbecues; it’s the truth.

skinner masks

Demonic artist from Sacramento Skinner has been knocking out all types of cool art stuff for a while now & these awesomely evil masks are yet another example of dude’s awesomely 80s trash-culture summoning of eldritch entities best left unnamed. Mount Shasta should be carved into a crystalline demonic skull.


crackling balls JOINTS

I like people who give me joints. Like, if you give me six joints, I will know you are a good person. Thanks.



dirty donny’s vantasy

Man, does this sound like a series of 70s porno flix or what? In each film, Dirty Donny introduces & seduces a hitch-hiker into his vantasy world. No! This is all about the rewarding world of modeling, as Dirty Donny gets hitch-hikers to “model” in his van where he has his hobby-knife & model cement ready to separate all the key parts from the sprues, clean them & glue the final model back together into a wearable human leather! Wait! I mean, this is Dirty Donny’s Vinyl Vantasy VII. Dirty Donny’s Vantasy model is sweet, is what I’m tryin’ to say.

fuck luck lucky rabbit’s foot by repop mfg I’ve been discovering these bitchin’ kustom lucky rabbit’s feet here & there in my journeys. This “Fuck Luck” rabbit’s foot by REPOP MFG is one of the cooler ones out there. I know it says “fuck luck” but I prefer “fuck you”.

devil on rabbit foot by masa sculpt

The Japanese Kustom Rock&Roll dudes are making some of the most bad-ass EVERYTHING in terms of WEIRDO ART & WEIRD AMERICANA. This Devil On Rabbit Foot is no exception, check this thing out! I always worry that my good luck comes from the devil, but I’m old fashioned, you know? Shit.

slicey the pig by archie mcphee

This radical dashboard bobbly by Archie McPhee (nerds) is based on a jokey folk graphic from the hungriest nooks of the Schwartzvald. The pig slicing himself is a metaphor about life, meaning that we are all cutting ourselves into deli-thin slices for a cheap laugh. It does actually mean something, it’s in Pieter Breughel (don’t forget that he was apprenticed to “Hieronymous Cock”) paintings for God’s sake but I can’t recall or figure out the meaning right now. Anyhow, Archie McPhee has pursued the whole internet nerd meme culture way too hard (bacon, zombies, pirates, etc) for me to an active supporter, but they do occassionally make something cool like this pig. E SHIRE APPROACH TH BLACK RIDERS




This is a Wraith Rider on Undead Horse made by Citadel Miniatures in 1982. Role Playing Games & War Games in the 80s were part of the underground culture because all of the products were being made by small, weird, independent companies who worked with all the weird guys who were into fantasy stuff. You can make lead figures in your garage or shed really easily & they are a thousand times cooler than ALL of the stupid “designer toys” of the past 12 years. These are METAL. I never get tired of Goblins, Black Riders & Balrogs, okay? Goblins Like It.

swastika ramen

table people. may upset upset

These are some of the best kiddy fireworks out there. It’s a little plastic ball with a honkin’ fuze. You light & throw the ball & when it goes off, the ball pops open & all these little fire crackers go crackling all over the place. The best is if you throw them up really high & time it right so that the little cracklin’s come raining down on your friends. The 4th of July has been declared a year-long holiday.

Did you know that in most Asian countries, the swastika is used to declare something as vegetarian? This isn’t because Hitler was a vegetarian, it’s because most people who are vegetarian on Earth are Buddhist & a symbol for Buddhism is the swastika. In the West, this provides for endless amusement over the phenomenon known as “swastika ramen”. People with bad taste (such as the creators of this magazine) buy up all the swastika ramen they can find, to show their friends & have great, uncomfortable, tittering moments of glorious insensitivity & perversion. Then they invite their Rabbi over for ramen so everyone can blush & fart childishly.


Have you noticed that most landlords are pretty eccentric & fucked up? Kind of like modestly successful artists. I think not having to work for a living lets them live like that, like gout-inflicted demi-lords, sucking from the cattle. They don’t have any real power, but they get off on being just a bit over the rabble. When I was a kid, one of our landlords, George, was gloriously eccentric & fucked up. He always wore an SS Mississippi cap, stained undershirt & light-blue stretch jeans from the 70s. When we first went to check out the house, what was to be my room was a converted basement rumpus-room/bar full of 1960s alcoholic humor paraphenelia. I loved it. George & his bloated albino voodoo manatee of a wife’s house was entirely 1960s alcoholic rumpus room cavernly, with thick avacado green & amphetamine orange carpets, a room full of squawking parrots & crying clown velvet paintings, piles of murder mysteries from the floor to the ceiling, house plants threatening to turn their house into a terrarium & a backyard which contained two large pigeon coops. They ate the pigeons. In George’s kitchen window, which faced our backyard was this awesome wooden middle finger statue, reminding me every day of our landlord’s strange contempt for his tennants. THE ODD COUPLE

psycho ceramics

Psycho Ceramics were made in Japan by KREISS in the 60s & 70s. They follow the same “Weirdo Character with Tacky Greeting Card Phrase” formula of a lot of these kinds of figurines. Again, I don’t get why no one is making stuff like this now. Looks like we’ll have to.

tanuki pig

MIO INSTANT ENERGY DRINK Pack it in. Throw it all away. This is it. You don’t need to This is the Koolknow anything else. Tanuki Pig Aid of the future, is here & this is a sign. This except better. 0 is a message from the Gods. calorie caffeine, Dead serious by the way. The ginseng, tauTanuki Pig lives in front of a rine, guarana & ramen joint in Kabukicho in the b-vitamin laden Shinjuku ward of Tokyo. It is a cherry drink in a sign from the Gods that we are little black dropon the right path. Our balls are shaped dropper. 12 bouncing forward, PORKING drinks for the price THE WORLD WITH GOOD of 2 conventional FORTUNE!!! energy drinks.

Greetings Thrash Metal Maniacs! I have a real treat for you! GHOUL are CreepSYlvania’s premier masked Splatterthrashers. I met lead guitar throttler & blood gargler DIGESTOR at the dusty old Mountain View Cemetery at the end of Piedmont Avenue in Oakland. After I won over this Eastern European mutant’s trust or at least lowered his defenses with a couple 40s of Country Club Malt Liquor, DIGESTOR heaved over a simple gravestone marked “FANG” revealing a hole with a rusty iron ladder leading down into the darkness. I was more than a little freaked out to enter, I have heard whispering about these GHOUL guys & their hunger for raw flesh. I pushed the dusty, green spectre of death to the side & followed DIGESTOR into the tunnel which slowly angled downwards. Our footsteps echoed down the surprisingly dry, old, stone tunnel. As we descended towards the bay, I pulled out my trusty tape-recorder & conducted the following interview.

SEAN: You guys are always talking about fungoid caves, whirling chaos, massacres, decapitation, secrets of the dead & stuff like that. I think GHOUL should make an energy drink. DIGESTOR: I agree. SEAN: SPLATTERTHRASH tells me to “Live for metal, Die for Ghoul!”, this sounds about right to me. I have three sons who live for metal already, give them some pointers on living for metal. DIGESTOR: 1- Drop out of school. 2- Get a job at a gas station only after your dad threatens to kick you out of the house if you don’t. 3- Get fired from gas station after stealing beer. You follow that plan and you’ll be well on your way to a life of metal servitude. Or maybe imprisonment by the state, though the two aren’t mutually exclusive. SEAN: You guys skate, & you’re adding this surf sound into your records. Does GHOUL surf? Does Creepsylvania have beaches? DIGESTOR: There is no surfing in Creepsylvania, and there are no beaches. There is only a bog. I tried surfing it once and Fermentor had to pull me out with a vine. Turned out the vine was a snake. Hilarity ensued. SEAN: Where is the fucking GHOUL comic book?

DIGESTOR: Occultist, Opposition Rising, Midnight, Toxic Holocaust, Municipal Waste, Mauser, Secret Prostitutes, Theories, and Hoax are all pretty great. SEAN: You guys are on tour with GWAR, that’s a lot of threatened violence for one show!

DIGESTOR: You tell me, Mr. Artist! SEAN: You guys have a sweet Ghoulunatics Asylum Membership Package, does being a member increase or decrease one’s chances of being killed in the cemetery at night? DIGESTOR: The only two things that membership in the Asylum ensures is a smaller bank balance and the cratering of your chances of ever having a meaningful relationship. You join that gaggle of mutants and you might as well just throw in the towel. SEAN: Do they have Dungeons & Dragons in Creepsylvania? DIGESTOR: I’ve never seen a dragon here, but we have plenty of dungeons. And rent is cheap, too. SEAN: What are some of GHOUL’s favorite bands right now?

DIGESTOR: What threats? This shit is real, son! But how real is it? If these guys are out there killing people on tour, why hasn’t anyone arrested them yet? If DIGESTOR really hungers for raw, human flesh, why am I interviewing him? Before I could ask the next question we came to a grating with a rusty, iron ladder leading up & out of the stone-lined tunnel. DIGESTOR climbed the ladder & pushed the grating aside & we entered a dusty room that smelled of bizarre Oriental medicines. As I absorbed my surroundings, a sack reeking of decades of Eastern European sweat was jammed over my head & a large, grunting, bristly beast strained to pull my arms behind my back. I knocked the beast into a shelf, sending thousands of tiny glass bottles across the room. I pulled the sack off of my head & was met with the silhouette of Mr. Fang, the Curio Shoppe owner in a doorway. He took a pull off an ornate dragon shaped pipe, looked back & forth through his slanted eyes & cackled, “Don’t you want to draw the GHOUL comic book Mr. PORK?”

Frank’s Power Plant Booking Team


TATTOOS BY ABE NOBODY & JIMMY 37 W. 13th Ave., Suite # 206 Eugene, OR 541-232-8379/ 541-870-3115 2800 S Kinnickinnic Ave Milwaukee, WI 53207 (414) 481- 9200

weirdo ARTIST: JEFF GAITHER: ROCK&ROLL MONSTER Jeff Gaither has been churning out ROCK&ROLL Monster Art since the 80s. He’s done work for every band: the Misfits, Mortiis, GG Allin, Guns N’ Roses, Testament, Municipal Waste, Van Halen, Hirax & everyone else. I first came across Gaither’s work on the cover of Uncle Fester’s Home Workshop Explosives published by Loompanics & then on the cover of Your Flesh magazine & then pretty much everywhere as I got into the WEIRDO ART style. Gaither’s work is very NECRO, with an emphasis on gore & disgust. His work predates the Hellraiser aesthetic but resonates with that demonically mutilated meat feeling. I caught up with Jeff over some gator burgers, SEAN: So how did you get into this Weirdo Art world? JEFF GAITHER: It grew on me like a deadly mold. I did superhero stuff 30+ years ago, but it never did feel right. Over time I just started drawing crap I liked and most of that was horror related. Of course as a kid I collected Odd Rod cards, Finks etc. My Mother and Aunt were both into horror movies & books plus they both loved to draw and paint. So roll all of those into a ball and you got me. After I started getting my “ugly art” style down I came across other artists like RK Sloane, XNO, Bob X, Roy Tompkins and I am sure there are more but I

a month I could not eat any more pizza for about a year. When Ed moved to Utah he sent me a VHS taking me on a tour of his new house. In the video he would say “Gator, here is my kitchen, or Gator, here is my studio.” He even went outside and showed me what it looked like standing in front of his house. Roth was going to come to my house and stay once when he was taking one of his cars on tour. He made it to RK’s place but the car broke down before he got to my house and he had to take a plane back home. Sucks. I still have photos of RK and Ed driving around in his car. I did meet Ed in person. He came down for a meeting with Kenner Toys and I was along for the ride. Kenner toy people really did not want me around but oh well. Ed showed me a number of things I still do to this day. Drawing roughs small and then enlarging them to do the inks. I never did use a brush for inking before. Ed said I had to use it to make the art move. I look back at those times and it just feels like a dream that happened. I miss those days working with Ed

and doing jams back and forth with RK. Around that time was when RK and I did the cover art for the Accused LP Martha Splatterhead’s Maddest Stories. SEAN: Your art is part of the more grizzly & gnarly world of Weirdo Art, everything is nastier & crazier. Wolverton is the obvious originator of the more overtly gross styles, but Robert Williams definitely emphasized this in his art & RK Sloane also. Tell me about the overt gristle. JEFF: What can I say, it is what it is. You either like it or you don’t. SEAN: You’ve done TONS of work for Rock&Roll bands, I’m trying to emphasize that Weirdo Art has been tied into Rock&Roll & maybe is the graphic equivalent of Rock&Roll, having found its footing with the Underground Comix in the 60s. JEFF: Weirdo art is the bastard child of the art world as Rock&Roll is the bastard child of the music world.

just cannot think of them right now. I am sure (and I hope) I influenced them as much as they did me.

SEAN: Amen.

SEAN: You were an Ed “Big Daddy” Roth artist for a while, how did you get that gig & what was it like working for a grand-daddy of Weirdo Art? JEFF: I worked for Ed for about 5 years in the 80’s doing all kinds of art stuff. I knew of Rat Fink and Odd Rods type stuff as a kid, I had the stickers all over my bedroom door as a kid! Well after making friends with other artists in the “ugly art” style, one in particular was RK Sloane. He was doing some art for Ed. I seen it and was like shit I did not know he was still doing stuff. So I got his address from RK and sent Ed some photocopies of my art. Within a few days I got a call from Ed and he asked me to do some art for him. It lasted for about 5 years or so. He purchased me a fax machine so we could send roughs back and forth. It was great working with Ed. He called me Gator all the time and even make checks out to Gator which I had to tell him more than a few times, please make checks out to GAITHER. He was always sending me cool stuff. One time he sent me a full coupon book for some pizza place and we ate so much pizza for

weirdo sculptor: chop!

The first time I saw Chop’s work was through my friend Yu-ki of Hang Hell toys Japan. He was visiting the Bay Area and had been after me to do a toy with him for some time. Yu-ki brought with him some home cast day-glow monster heads and a few Frankenstein figures that his sculptor had made, they looked like Nutty Mads and Weird-Oh’s, only better and with a new modern twist. Middle fingers in full salute, pock marks, converse, denim vests, biker patches, brilliant! This was the work of Monster Farm AKA Chop! How he improved on perfection was blowing my mind, I knew I had to work with this guy.


Our first project was for my character Gremmie, it came out so well that I hit him up for a few more collaborations and we have been working together ever since. So now all you Monsters, Weirdos, Creeps, Finks, Fools & Fiends, straight from Japan we bring you Chop! DIRTY DONNY: Hi Mr. Chop! First off it is in my opinion that you are one of the best Weirdo Sculptors around. Actually you are the best. Can you tell us how long have you been sculpting for and how did you get into it? You used to draw but Yu-ki told me you hurt your hand and the doctors said sculpting would be good therapy. CHOP: It’s so great to hear that! Thanks!! I have been sculpting and making my toys for almost 10 year, maybe... Before I started sculpting I was working construction. One day at work the scaffolding was frozen and I slipped and fell from 3rd story. It was scary, I lost my memory for about 6 months.The doc told me that I need to move fingers for rehab. So that is when I started sculpting, and I haven’t stopped since! DONNY: A little monster told me you got your name from Ed “Big Daddy” Roth himself, can you tell us about that? CHOP: I’m a big fan of Ed Roth and Rat Fink. I’d been to the Rat Fink Party (Mooneyes Yokohama) every year. I didn’t have much money then so I could only buy a t-shirt and a few decals. But I really wanted to see Ed Roth so I went there every year. I don’t remember when that was but when I met Ed Roth at the event, he said “What’s up, Chop!” at first I was like “Chop?” how come he called me “Chop?” Then later I thought “Chop” is cool, so I didn’t think about it too much. A few years later Big Daddy made it to the Yokohama show again. When I met him again he remembered me and said “What’s up, Chop!” again!! Then I realized that he has given me a nickname. I’m “Chop” for sure!! So “Chop” is an honorable and precious name for me!! I think I started sculpting around then. At one of Big Daddy’s autograph sessions he introduced me to Mooneyes and I made my first official Rat Fink mold for them. I still make some Rat Fink stuff so it’s an honor for me! DONNY: We share a similar love for Monsters, Weirdos, Creeps, Finks and goons. So much so that when I first saw your art I felt like I had found my long lost Japanese twin! The first thing that came to mind was “I have to work with this guy!” You have created a small army of characters for me but can you tell us about your own Monster Farm designs and how you make them at home? CHOP: Wow, what great words! I really dig Donny’s work and Donny himself. If I can speak English more we can work with more easily. Right now I appreciate Yu-ki’s help. (Our mutual friend, translator and beer drinking champion.) When I make my monster farm stuff, I get ideas from lot of stuff like, some junk from the 30’s to the present, toys, illustrations, old advertising, tattoos and some package design. DONNY: Where can the pork readers get their hairy slimy claws on this stuff? CHOP: Coming soon, later maybe... DONNY: You attend and vend once a year at the #1 best car show and custom artist show in the world, Mooneyes Yokohama. How has the show been for you over the years? I see a lot of new artists popping up in that scene, many of them seem influenced by your style of WEIRDO ART. CHOP: I love that show, I dig all the cool hot rods, customs, choppers, pinstripers and sculptors at the show. It’s so exciting for me. So I try to make cool stuff for the event and entertain the people who come to the show. If you come to show, stop by my booth and say hi! It is the best place to purchase Chop’s work. There are a lot of new artist coming out these days. I don’t know if some of them are influenced by me, but I do what I wanna do! DONNY: What is on the horizon for Chop? CHOP: Lately I make lots of new stuff. Not only sculpture but with little gimmicks like LED, bobble heads and moving eyes. Things you can have more fun when you display it or handle it. I try to make more fun stuff in several styles. So hope you can enjoy Monster Farm!! Thanx!! CHOP can be found pushing his monster goodies every year at the Mooneyes Yokohama Japan show.


Music needs Art & a cultural framework to be everything that it can be. Arturo Vega was the fifth RAMONE. Appropriately, Arturo did the Art for the RAMONES. It was at Arturo’s loft that a young Dee Dee would stop by & pester Arturo, talking about starting a band. Later, Joey & Dee Dee lived at & the Ramones practiced in the same loft. Arturo Vega designed the RAMONES logo & was the artistic director for the band, designing record covers, stage set-ups & merchandise. The RAMONES without Arturo is like the RAMONES without leather jackets & jeans, like the RAMONES without America.

SEAN: Tell me about Rock&Roll Radio as a kid.

ART: I heard Elvis when I was 8 years old and that set the course for the rest of my life. As a youngster in Mexico, I could hear cool artists on the radio and that made me want to travel to see them live.

SEAN: You talked about the Ramones being an all-American band & produced imagery that went along with that idea. Of course, when the Ramones started, America was all about the Carpenters, Bob Denver & Disco as opposed to what the Ramones are. So you saw something in the country that the country didn’t see in itself. I heard on the BBC that America has less of an idea of itself right now than ever before, but as a young immigrant, you saw it clear as day. ART: That is a common situation when an outsider (not too distant culturally) can see the trees and the forest better that the bears can. I loved the best the USA had for me back then, Freedom and Rock&Roll, but as soon as Rock&Roll started deviating from being a cultural revolutionary force I knew something was wrong. The ideals of the 60s were being quickly stamped out and young people just wanted to have an easy good time AKA Disco (these days having fun is an epidemic). When I heard The Ramones I felt they were taking back Rock&Roll from the Billboard charts and giving it back to the unsatisfied young.

SEAN: So, what are you working on these days? ART: Mostly Art, I have a museum retrospective in Mexico in November and 2 shows in Holland in September. I am working on several series at the same time with different themes like overpopulation “Too many fucking people fucking”, like violence “Too many fucking people fucking people up”, education “Educate Exterminate”, and one that involves Jesus and The Ramones “Fame is a Disease”, all of these are executed in mixed media. I am very excited about a large outdoor piece about Jesus I will execute in New York city before Christmas. I also got involved with a fresh young new band I baptized “Animo Cabrones”, they are from Mexico City and I go there all the time anyway; they play some sort of Pop with guts music, I am taking care of all the artistic elements. SEAN: When you were a kid, figuring out that you wanted to be an artist, what did you think your Art career would be like, compared to how it has been? Did the young Arturo Vega have an inkling about his future? ART: At 6 years of age I wanted to be a priest (what could be more important than working for God?), then a doctor or a lawyer (I still wanted to do good), then business (I wanted to do good for myself), then music got into my brain and all I wanted to do was travel so I went to San Francisco in the 60s. I left school and finally Art happened to me and I just followed the principle “what makes me free makes me happy”.

SEAN: With the Ramones you used all this allAmerican imagery, which American leftists might view as no different than Nazi imagery. Was there any similar intent using the Presidential Seal & the flag & stuff like that as you might with the swastika? When I was a young anarchist I viewed the flag & American iconography as no different than Nazi Germany iconography. ART: All Art is political but Art works at a deeper level and more effectively when it is not overtly mixed with politics. I simply wanted to create images that Punk Rock fans would identify with and would perceive as powerful, I wanted to create visuals that were as powerful as the music. Some English critic said my light show was like light cathedrals that Albert Speer would have loved. One thing I am aware of is that Punk Rock was too white, and so it failed to conquer the poor and disadvantaged parts of the world the way Rap did. Besides, I was using eagles in my Art before the Ramones, in 1973 I started a series of silk screen prints that involved a 1972 silver dollar that had an eagle with spread wings in the center and read UNITES STATES OF AMERICA ONE DOLLAR all around the coin, that has the exact format of the Ramones logo. SEAN: When I start thinking about the same America that the Ramones are, I think about hot dogs & egg creams. What’s your favorite hot dog & egg cream in NYC? ART: There is a hot dog place in 9th Street by Avenue A that has all varieties, it’s the best. Egg cream? What’s an egg cream? I grew up in Mexico, remember?

SEAN: You are infamous for having done a series of neon swastikas. People are much more upset about swastikas & Nazi stuff today than they were in the 70s. You said that part of the swastika series was to make love to evil, to use evil for good & also that the swastikas were a closet Nazi detector. As America has become more & more of a control-freak totalitarian country, maybe the reason the swastika freaks them out more & more is because our country is becoming more & more like Nazi Germany? ART: Nothing will ever compare to the level of ruthless, methodical, destructive, anti-life cruelty of the Nazis, but in many disguised ways there is plenty of it in this country nowadays. The Triad Cartel formed by the Pharmaceutical, Insurance and Military Industrial Companies have become almighty by the power of having so many top politicians in their pockets, unfortunately it is taking bad economic times to wake people up, I guess that just like Germany (which is doing very well now), this country has to learn the hard way.

ELVIRA - MISTRESS OF THE DARK I’m not ashamed to say that I believe in America & I believe in humanity & that when I think about prime specimens of American Humanity, Elvira is at the top of my list. She stands for everything that PORK believes in: Camp, Kitsch, Horror, Fertility, Attitude, ROCK&ROLL, eccentricity & corny jokes. Elvira uses what she has & then some. She doesn’t front like she’s above anyone, she is who she is & that’s it. Like Popeye. Like PORK. Her movie, Elvira: Mistress of the Dark is all about what PORK is about. Upsetting a town of squares, uniting the kids & getting everyone in the mood. Replace Women’s Studies courses in college with Elvira Studies & America, no, Humanity would find itself on good footing. -SÄ FENRIZ

DEVIL’S DARE When we were living in Oakland I knew of at least three different personal pinball arcades that had popped up. I would only play pinball at them by accident, when I was suddenly in the arcade for some other reason, like a show or something. Anyhow, then we moved to Eugene & there was nothing of the sort. No hot dog stands either. I made a promise to myself that if a pinball arcade popped up, I would go at least once a week. Years pass, I have willed six hot dog carts into Eugene & finally a pinball arcade opens. Two of them. One of them is just a block & a half from my house. Blairally Vintage Arcade. I go there as often as possible. I walk the dog there. My favorite game is currently Devil’s Dare. It rules. You can get a bunch of balls in play at once & then the intensity is SATANIC. -SÄ CABIN IN THE WOODS We went to go see Cabin in the Woods without knowing ANYTHING about it. In short, it ruled. Initially the movie seems to be a commentary on other horror movies, but then it turned into its own thing. I was very excited to watch all of the characters die. The computer effects were done quite well, which has become a key element in whether I will enjoy a movie or not. The monsters were all quite fantastic as well. Tucker & Dale vs Evil Riffing off of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Friday the 13th & Evil Dead, Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil flips the story on its head by making the hillbillys into the sympathetic characters & making the camping teenagers into the psychopaths. All in all this was a fun flick with enough gore & laffs to sustain my fleeting interest. I’d be stoked to see Tucker & Dale in some more movies. -SÄ

Some people get it, most people don’t. Fenriz gets it. Fenriz resonates an understanding of Metal & specifically Black Metal, not to the exclusion of other forms, but in recognizing when others are doing it right as well, even if they don’t know what they are doing. This is made obvious in an interview clip with Fenriz getting way stoked on Adrenaline OD’s first record & in his Hanoi Rocks tattoo. Maybe what I’m saying here is that Fenriz understands life & the balance between being true to yourself & remaining part of some of the larger collective cultural things we have. Both things are incredibly important, the individual & the collective. You can of course, & will undoubtedly be more collective, or more individual, but to at least understand the value of both & recognize their benefits & negatives will get you off on the right foot. -SÄ

OOZE IT As civilized artifice creators, much of humanity has become disconnected from the visceral pleasures of material reality. If you have have ever watched a cat kill & mangle another animal just to do it, you recognize that there is incredible pleasure to be found in the tearing apart of a living creature. Enter Ooze It. Ooze It is a toy from 1981, it is a rubbery, green, alien fetus-looking character. When you squeeze it, red slime oozes from the holes in its head. I remember the day when I discovered that if you stepped on sea anenomes they squirted water at you & retracted like a puckered anus. I guiltily spent an hour squishing anenomes. I would do the same to a planet of Ooze Its, if they were alive. Gathering the rubbery aliens into enormous sacks & squeezing all of the red slime out of their heads for hours. Then ask God for forgiveness. -SÄ

EIGHTIES GLAM In the days of subcultural wars & divisiveness just for the hell of it, lines were drawn endlessly in the sand over completely stupid bullshit. Hatred was conjured over inanity after inanity, from the color of your boot-laces, the length of your hair, if your jacket was denim or leather, if you wore makeup, if you liked music with synthesizers or not, just a lot of really stupid shit. Makes me wonder if the subcultures were just an enormous pressure release valve to control a populace just itching to hate something. As time passed, the hatred turned inward in the 90s & depression & self-mutilation were all the rage. In the 00s, the hatred disippated into ennui & irrelevance. In 2012 & onwards, It is PORK’s wish for things to be done because they are good & people like them. Like Eighties Glam. Like ice cream. That is why we do this. -SÄ WEIRDO ARTISTS: ZEKE & CRIPPA Zeke Clough & Crippa M. Almquist are a couple of Weirdo Artists involved in the more experimental side of things from England & Germany respectively. I came into their mutated, disturbed presences through our art blog Eaten By Ducks. Like me, they are men possessed by the pen. Linework is the name of the game, Zeke’s take on the Weird is in abstract psychedelic forms rendered into visceral disgust. Crippa’s style is cartoonier, with a Punk Rock background, but they collaborate so often that their styles have been blending together seamlessly. Visceral. Hallucinatory. ZEKE CRIPPA -SÄ

HELLRAISER Speaking of the incredible pleasure to be found in the tearing apart of a living creature, we’ve been on a HELLRAISER kick in the PORK HAUS lately. I saw the first HELLRAISER the day I got my ear pierced for the first time. My lobe was pierced twice & my body was rejecting the piercings something fierce. I was out of it in general as a teenager & watching HELLRAISER with this metal in my ear, throbbing & giving me a fever made the experience really 3 DIMENSIONAL. Anyhow, I love these movies. They are totally pulp horror with a large degree of science fiction, not unlike HP Lovecraft. The series can go on forever because humanity is forever curious, forever perverted & forever sinful, so the evil box will find its way into someone’s hand until the end of time! -SÄ


THE KIDS MAN, THE FUCKIN’ KIDS As we enter the future, an important consideration to make is the lasting presence of our culture. This is ensured by the creation of new generations. So many people out there have lost their most base biological drives, the drive to reproduce, the drive to survive, the drive to succeed. In fact, there are legions of brainwashed honkeys out there who think those basic drives are EVIL. Well, enjoy extinction, the PORK ARMY will thrive, enter space, mutate into MAN PIG MONSTERS & kill you all. -SÄ

garbage garth by splurrt It has been great to see the designer toy market move away from shitty 90s graffiti meets Hello Kitty design & diversify into lots of different styles. I am of course, pushing for anything in the WEIRDO ART vein. This guy SPLURRT is putting out some awesome toys. His main character is this Freddy Flypogger after the Texas Chainsaw Massacre lookin’ “Cadaver Kid” who is totally sweet & then there’s this Garbage Garth dude & you know, PORK loves TRASH. Waaa waaa. -SÄ iron maiden - killers If you hop in the PORK van & turn it on, Iron Maiden’s KILLERS is going to blast out of the speakers. This is my favorite Iron Maiden record. It best embodies Maiden’s take on Judas Priest, which is what their roots are, but with more of the NWOBHM Punky edge. While I love Bruce Dickinson, Iron Maiden lost the PUNCH when they added his operatic tendencies to the band. On Killers you get non-stop punch, plus Paul Di’Anno is easier to sing along with. -SÄ

Long ago I was the primary advocate of an obscure variant of Punk called “Cider Punk” as embodied by Chaos UK & Chaotic Dischord. The music was fast, noisy & sloppy with gargling vocals & guitar drowning in a sea of distortion. The obsession was with being a farmer, growing vast orchards of apple trees & making cider. The simple life. Eventually I realized that pigs would do well in this circle. One day, the PORK FARM will be in full swing, Chaos UK will be blasting in the orchard & the cider will be flowing loose & free. I drinks it all of the day. -SÄ SKATE OR DIE There’s this cute little blonde girl on our block who skates. She can only be like 12 or something, but I want my oldest son Otto who is 6 to be her boyfriend. They can do a zine together with skulls on the cover & inside, reviews of how stupid people in Eugene are. Then they can go hang out at the pinball arcade & beat up the student activists that are trying to get PORK removed from all Eugene businesses. Kids should be outside skating instead of playing video games like a bunch of fucking virgins. Go outside. Skate. -SÄ

“No small child exposed to his drawings could ever be expected to walk in a straight line again, or vote a party ticket.” - Gahan Wilson on Basil Wolverton Basil Wolverton is the father of Weirdo Art. His Spaghetti & Meatballs style, emphasizing the hairy, sweaty, polypy, visceral, pulsating & distorted world of the flesh over all else is a visual dictionary of disgust. An encyclopedia of abominations. A thesaurus of repulsion. And yet, this aestheticized vulgarity is mysteriously attractive. There is an almost cute aspect to Wolverton’s grossness. Wolverton was born in Oregon in 1909 & worked up until his death in 1978. Basil’s style has been a key influence on every Weirdo Artist to come after him: Ed “Big Daddy” Roth, Robert Crumb, Robert Williams, RK Sloane, Jeff Gaither, Ben Lyon & myself. Basil’s son Monte Wolverton carries his father’s mutated torch & was kind enough to talk to me about the Wolverton legacy.

SEAN: Basil Wolverton was a primary influence on Crumb’s work & is the father of all Weirdo Art. Your dad was not of the generation or mindset to “get” the Undergrounds, were you into Underground Comix? Was there some kind of household tension around this? MONTE: No tension in our household. He didn’t even see an undergound comic, so far as I know, until the early 70s, after I was living in So Cal and married. He had come down for a visit, and collector Glenn Bray and artist Robert Williams dropped by to see him at his motel in Pasadena. Robert took him for a fun ride in his custom car down Colorado Boulevard, and left him with a small stack of Zap Comics. Afterward, my dad started to thumb through them and was totally freaked out! He really had little idea what had been going on in the undergrounds. I was very well acquainted with them, of course, but I knew he wouldn’t appreciate them so I never introduced him to the undergrounds. I did a back cover for Dope comics - but that was after my dad died. Heck, he had a problem with All in the Family - it was just a generational thing. On the other hand - he had a lot of stuff published in the Humorama girly magazines in the 50s and 60s. These were published by Abe Goodman, as a division of Marvel/Timely, under former Timely comic titles such as Joker and Jest. Some of my father’s material was picked up from unpublished stuff he had sold to Timely. Other stuff he sold to Humorama directly. In the late 60s I got a call from radio evangelist Herbert Armstrong (whose publications art department I was working in, and who had commissioned my father (who was also his friend and on the board of Herbert’s church) to do an illustrated story of the Bible). Seems someone had shown him one of these Humorama books with my dad’s work in it. He wanted to find out from me what was going on before he called my dad. I explained that this was a division of Marvel comics - and my dad had sold them work years ago - and that he had no control over how it was being used now. “Okay - I thought it was something like that,” Mr. Armstrong said. “But sir,” I continued (as a smart-ass 20-year old), “I’m left wondering exactly how the person who brought this to your attention came to be in possession of such a magazine.” After a long pause, Mr. Armstrong answered, “Hmm - that IS a good question” (and presumably went back to grill the self-rightous rat fink who had tried to get my dad in trouble). My dad thought the whole thing was pretty funny. I should also note that my dad didn’t have a problem with doing an illustration for Playboy around 1974. SEAN: In the Wolverton gross language, there are organic forms that repeat. Do the forms have names? Did your dad have books of diagrams of organs & stuff? Where did it all come from? MONTE: No - he just drew ‘em. Mostly late at night (he usually saved the funny gross stuff for dessert after he had worked the rest of the day on his Bible story and illustrations). He admitted that a psychologist would have a field day with all his various organic forms. One drawing was censored/altered by MAD because a woman’s nose looked way too phallic, or like it was wearing a condom or something.

SEAN: So, I heard your first venture into professional cartooning was doing Ed Roth style Weirdo t-shirts for your friends. Were you aware at the time that Roth’s work was one of the offspring of your dad’s work? Was your dad aware of Ed Roth’s stuff? MONTE WOLVERTON: That was in junior high school and I was pretty lame compared to Big Daddy. But you have to start somewhere. At the time I don’t think my dad was aware of Roth’s work or that he had a direct influence on him. But he might have seen Roth’s work and noted some similarities. SEAN: I’ve got this comic you did “Lena’s Bambinas” & in the intro you go into the history of grotesque art. I occasionally ponder why I am so attracted to the grotesque & what it means about the way I see the world. I think with gross art, there is a view of the world as a gross place. When I think of who likes gross art the most, it’s kids about to go through puberty, which is a gross time of life. With your father, his religious dimension could imply that the material, fleshy world is inherently “gross” as compared to the spiritual world. I think this was the case with past grotesque artists like Bosch & Brueghel as well. Thoughts? MONTE: My dad had something like that in the back of his mind, but he certainly wasn’t consciously trying to make some kind of theological point about the “total depravity” of human beings. I don’t believe he even bought into that Calvinist construct - or the earlier but somewhat related idea of the dualistic nature of humans - evil flesh versus good spirit. Rather, he viewed humans as tabula rasa - neutral agents who could go either way - albeit with a bias toward evil, visually expressed as grossness. However, if you look at his grotesque figures, they rarely project evil - they are usually idiotically happy in the midst of their grossness. Mainly, my dad wanted his work to be funny and entertaining. His propensity for grotesque subjects and figures was not entirely his own idea - it was something his clients wanted. It doesn’t show up too extremely in his comic book work of the 30s and 40s, but it was showcased with Lena the Hyena in the mid 40s, MAD magazine in the early 50s (and to some degree his later horror/science fiction comics in the early 50s). Even then, most of his caricatures and other work is mild by comparison. It wasn’t until the late 60s and early 70s that he really started doing the heavily gross stuff for Topps, Plop magazine and others - because that’s what they wanted and he had fun doing it. That being said, it is true that his first-published cartoon at age 16 showed a guy being cut in half by a surgeon - and several of his Bible illustrations were rejected or cropped because he included macabre elements. Even one Plop cover was rejected for just being way too gross.

SEAN: I just got the Wolverton Bible from Fantagraphics, I love the idea of your dad, turned off from religion working away on drawings, listening to the radio, which is what I do also, & tuning in to this Radio Church of God & calling into the show & having this conversion. I was very impressed by the whole package & really dig the Wolverton interpretation of the Bible. Robert Crumb drew the Old Testament & that left me cold. I learned about the Wolverton Christianity connection with the book Apocalypse Art that published your dad’s Revelations illustrations. One of my theories about Rock&Roll is that it is the product of friction, in its case, the friction between Black Africa & White Europe, Christianity & Paganism, Child & Adult, Man & Woman, Individual & Group. Weirdo Art is the visual art of Rock&Roll, so what I’m wondering or positing is, did the spiritual inclinations of your father rub up against his gross, weird, visceral aesthetic to produce this energy that would go on to inspire generations of artists? MONTE: If I were a psychologist, I might point out that my dad really liked his father. My grandfather was a good evangelical Christian - and would take my dad to these camp meetings out in the country. Around the age of 15 or 16, my dad hit the sawdust trail at one of those meetings and got saved. A few months later, my grandfather abandoned his family for reasons that are not clear. A few years later my dad’s sister died. My dad became an agnostic or even an atheist. Didn’t want to have anything to do with the church. Essentially he was angry at his father. Later, after he had “regained” his religion, he learned that his dad had been living only a few miles away in Portland, following my dad’s career. My father resolved his anger in his own mind. But - I think those disturbing life experiences provided some of the energy and the visceral aesthetic of which you speak. He never seemed to be bothered by any friction or paradox between his weird art and his Biblical art - he commented once that the gross, ugly stuff was like a dessert he enjoyed after working on the more serious Bible stuff all day. SEAN: Because of the lineage of Weirdo Art & its relationship to Rock&Roll & drugs, there are expectations about how the artists are supposed to be & who the artists are supposed to be. Your dad seemed to be “himself”, & the content of his art was not part of his lifestyle or whatever you want to call it. Crumb had issues about his work being part of the Hippie Rock&Roll scene, when he liked old-time Americana music & considered Rock&Roll to be part of a death-cult (which it is). My gut wants the artist to be part of the culture, but my intellect tells me this is some kind of totalitarian, tribalistic mentality. Thoughts? MONTE: We are all predisposed to categorize and pigeonhole people. That’s a self-protecting instinct in every animal (but more complex in humans). We instinctively size up people at first glance and make instant judgments about them, based on their appearance and the way they act. Are they like us or unlike us? Are they our tribe or some other tribe? Are they a threat or a non-threat? Are they Unitarian or Southern Baptist - Liberal or Conservative? Are they a customer or a competitor? We develop a vast subconscious catalog of stereotypes and behavioral models of how those stereotypes are supposed to act. Unfortunately a spinoff of this is racial and cultural prejudice - tribalism. Of course, a lot of people do conform to our stereotypical expectations/models, but a lot of people don’t and that bothers us because we can’t pigeonhole them or “figure them out.” I think creative people are often this way because of their very nature. What we think of as a contradictory lifestyle or paradoxical behavior is merely the creative person having a broader, richer spectrum of interests and tastes - they are multidimensional - which is one of the major things that makes them creative. Frank Zappa liked classical music. Fats Waller regularly performed Bach. Theologian C.S. Lewis smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish and loved science fiction. My dad loved double martinis, professional wrestling and the Bible. I too like popular theology, (my articles are regularly published) - I also like South Park, Family Guy as well as J.S.Bach, Dietrich Buxtehude, John Cage, Black Sabbath, liberal politics and really weird art. I think of it as contrasts more than paradox. Being consistent is good for branding but lousy for personal creativity. Think of the concerts given by aging rockers who have evolved in their work - and they try to do some of their new stuff and get a cold reception - they do their old standards and the audience loves it. So I think artists who produce fresh stuff will tend not to fit into some kind of cultural mold that other people want them to.

To me, Rock&Roll’s biggest year was 1974. Dinosaurs still walked the earth at their biggest, toothiest & sexiest, Elvis was alive, the RAMONES were just getting started, KISS were on their way up, the New York Dolls were chugging along, Led Zeppelin was still vital, Alice Cooper was about to go solo, the Dictators were doing their thing, T-Rex, SLADE, the Sweet & Suzi Quatro were stomping the glitter off girls’ cheeks & this is just the short list. Zachary James is part of this history, I hear a lot of 1974 in his music & see a lot of it in his style. On his way into the future, he scoops up some of that Sunset Strip sleaze & delivers it unto you, in 2012, when we need it most. SEAN: What does Rock&Roll mean to you? ZACHARY JAMES: Rock&Roll is everything! For me it’s all about the 1950’s. The grooves & melodies are timeless, people are still ripping them off to this day! If you play Britney Spears on an acoustic it’s still using chord progressions from the ‘50s. Then every decade gets progressively radder and radder every time! When you hit the 70’s, you get all the great production- and to me, glam rock is Rock&Roll in its prime. Now you’ve finally got the really flashy stuff- the Granny Takes a Trip, the rhinestones, the facepaint. I love it when the 50’s crooners- like Gary Glitter- went from singing songs like “Alone in the Night,” to “Do You Wanna Touch?” They just put on platforms, changed their names and started playing weird star guitars. But kept the Elvis pomp! All the kids who grew up on the music of the 50’s play the best Rock&Roll. SEAN: Do you skate or surf? ZACHARY: I grew up skateboarding but I haven’t properly surfed once in my entire life. I’ve broken almost every bone there is to break, ha! I love the old skate and surf culture. It’s a bit watered down now like everything but it used to be so PUNK ROCK! It still is somewhat but ya know. I can’t really skateboard anymore I’ve broken almost every finger and I’m lucky they still work. I’ve had to play with a cast on before and it’s not the coolest thing, but I did do some rad cast slides up the neck instead of a pick that was pretty sweet! Trying to avoid destroying my hands even more. SEAN: Yes, I think that for dudes that use our hands for our bread, we must avoid breaking fingers. My pianist dad was very hesitant about using table saws for this reason. You can graduate to California Van culture now, especially when you’re on tour, so it works out. ZACHARY: That’s awesome your dad is a pianist! My mom is a killer pianist. I’m always kicking myself for not taking lessons when I was younger. I can fake my way through it though, ha! Yes I love the California surf/van culture! There is nothing that says California more to me than listening to the Beach Boys while eating a cheeseburger in your van at the beach! The bassist who recorded on my upcoming album plays bass for Dick Dale. I just saw him play in Oakland and man, he’s still destroying it. Dick is such a punk rocker. The way he forces his upside-down guitar into submission. He still uses the same guitar and his original reverb tanks from the 50’s! SEAN: You are hitchhiking on Highway 1, you are picked up by the Scooby Doo gang in the Mystery Machine. In the back are the Banana Splits smoking angel dust with Shaggy & Scooby. They are getting really wild. Snorky pulls out a knife & starts waving it around hypnotically. What do you do? ZACHARY: This reminds me of a scene in Texas Chainsaw Massacre when one of the hitchhiker kids they pick up pulls out a rusty straight razor and starts carving a pentagram in his hand, with a wild wacked out grin on his face. You have all these hippie kids trying to get to the Skynyrd show and some crazed Southern fried acid head freaks them out. So….to answer your question, I would probably grab a knife, wave it hypnotically and hang out and party with them. SEAN: I feel like a foreign national in the USA these days, how about you? ZACHARY: Haha, man you’re telling me. There’s a song off my upcoming record, titled “Outta Space,” that talks about that feeling of ALIENation. It’s a riff off Satisfaction, by the Stones: “I can’t get no satisfaction in the world these days/ I don’t think I was born here in the U-S-A.” A lot of the time, when I’m talking about aliens and what not, what I’m really referring to is a feeling of being disconnected from the mass population. We paint our faces with glitter- half a tribute to Roy Wood, half a tribute to Alice Cooper, with some Bowie thrown in there….and hangin’ around with creepy glam rock face paint definitely gets us some odd looks. It makes us feel even more like the aliens we are. SEAN: Did you play Dungeons & Dragons as a kid? ZACHARY: I didn’t play Dungeons & Dragons but I was really into all the

Famous Monsters Of Film Land Magazines. I was obsessed with the make-up and masks in the horror movies. When I was a kid I wanted to do special FX makeup for movies. I guess that explains why I’ve turned every time we play a show into Halloween for me and the band. SEAN: Alice Cooper. ZACHARY: One word: GOD. Haha. Alice Cooper is definitely a huge influence of mine- musically and visually. Alice Cooper had amazing songs and they are one of the few bands I can really relate to as far as their arrangements and chord changes. As for their theatrics it just blows my mind, giant glam rock teeth with glitter cavities and mad dentists with oversized drills! So amazing! SEAN: We must conquer our enemies & establish Rock&Roll as the founding religion of the entire American continent. Discuss. ZACHARY: Agreed. I’ve started a secret society called “Order of The Eye.” It’s like the Illuminati/Freemasons for Rock&Rollers. Let’s lead everyone into battle and take over the world! I’m going to hand this question off to my trusty sidekick, “Evil Sidekick.” Evil Sidekick: Together with PORK Magazine, Zachary James and I solemnly swear to conquer our enemies and establish Rock&Roll as the founding religion of the American continent! We shall crush our enemies with platform boots, impale them as Vlad did on our British cone spikes, chop their heads off in Alice Cooper’s guillotines, and drown them in pools of Gene Simmons’ fake blood! hail hail Rock&Roll! SEAN: Top 5 New bands, Top 5 Old bands. ZACHARY: Alright here we go this is no particular order. Top five new bands! Alexandra & The Starlight: This is my girl’s band that I play guitar for. It’s a super sweet blend of Soul infused Rock&Roll. Musically imagine early 70’s Ike & Tina Turner with the grit and blues of Janis Joplin. And her stage style is like a love child of Bowie and Jagger! We were interviewed by Guitar World Magazine and they said “She had the swagger of 1,000 men,” ha! Danny James: Haha this one should sound pretty familiar to you! I gotta hand it to Danny. The Danny James “Pear” album is amazing! It’s so refreshing to hear such well crafted songs matched with such big production! As songwriting goes I think we have a lot in common. I love the glammy ELO, Elton John feel and some of the songs even have a 90’s RnB feel to me. It’s a really eclectic record and at the same time it’s so cohesive! I would highly recommend this record to anyone who loves the brilliant melodies and huge harmonies of the Beach Boys! Uncle Acid & The Deadbeats: I’ve recently started getting into a lot of metal, my favorite right now is Doom Metal! These guys are a rad horror psychedelic metal band outta Camden. They’ve got some sweet videos with their songs synced up to old horror flicks. Definitely worth checking out! Natural Child: Burger records strikes again! While I was at SXSW this year my girlfriend Alexandra and I caught these guys at one of the Burger showcases. Their new record reminds me of the summertime vibe that I get from listening to “Exile On Main Street” or any classic Stones record. Rad 70’s proto metal like if Pentagram, The Misfits and the Stones formed a supergroup. Ghost: Now these guys are really gonna blow your mind! They play super hooky dark metal so I’d call them a Doom Pop Metal band. They’re Swedish and those damn Swedes are the best songwriters ever! You’ve got ABBA and a lot of new pop songs are written by Swedes, too and now you have Ghost. No one knows who they really are. The singer “Papa Emeritus” dresses up as a zombie pope and the band, only known as the “Nameless Ghouls”, dress in matching robes and and black executioner-style masks so you can’t see their faces. One of the best shows I’ve seen all this year! Top five old bands! Elvis Costello: One of the best songwriters around. His feel for words and melody is perfect and his song arrangements are so tight and concise. The guy’s a true genius. And he’s like wine he just gets better with age. I saw him play earlier this year and it was amazing! I didn’t once feel like I was watching some geezer from the 70’s trying to do his old recycled thing. He has so much character he’ll live on forever. Dr. John: He’s an amazing blues pianist/guitarist from New Orleans. I pull a lot of visual and spiritual influence from Dr. John. His real name is Mac Rebennack but he was better known by his stage name Dr. John The Nite Tripper taken from an old Voodoo dude that was busted with Mac’s great great great grandpa for running scams out of a whorehouse. The first record “Gris-Gris” feels like you’re in a room with a Voodoo high priestess while they’re exorcising evil spirits or maybe they’re conjuring them, ha! I believe that one of the Voodoo mothers dedicated a temple to him - it’s called the Dr. John Temple Of Voodoo. If you get a chance you should pick up a copy of his autobiography “Under A Hoodoo Moon”. He’s lived an insane life. He was a junkie, a pimp, and he even had a job getting rid of babies from a back alley abortionist, said he had nightmares for a while from that one. Christmas music: So this one isn’t really a band but a theme that I LOVE! I listen to Christmas music all year round ha! I can’t get enough. I think it’s part of a nostalgia trip I’m usually on. Phil Spector’s “A Christmas Gift For You” is in regular rotation along with the Beach Boys Christmas Album, T. Rex, Slade, the list is endless. I plan on releasing a whole series of Christmas singles in different shapes and colors. Green vinyl in the shape of a tree and maybe a glow in the dark snowflake vinyl! I’m also working on the Halloween vinyl series…so stay tuned for more info. Roy Wood: Incredible talent all around! Every band that Roy Wood has ever been involved in was great. The Move and ELO both great bands. Then he leaves ELO and starts the powerhouse glam group Wizzard! You can’t go wrong looking like a crazed gang of glam rock teddy boys! The guy can play every instrument known to man and he’s an amazing producer too! I think he’s got a label out of England now, maybe I’ll get him to put out our new album, ha! He also put out a couple sweet Christmas records and as I said earlier I’m a sucker for those Xmas tracks! Ramones: I don’t think you have can have a top anything list without mentioning the Ramones! Killer music, really well constructed songs, and an amazing militant, gang-like look. I love Joey’s voice. He has such a classic 50’s feel, but at the same time it’s so bratty and punk! The simplicity of their songs definitely made writing music much more accessible to me and I’m sure everyone else who ever listened to Ramones while they were growing up. It’s just so simple and so effective. And lastly, they had great hair!

I am completely split on the idea of where inspiration comes from. Half of me thinks that it is a product of the individual & their innate, learned & perfected abilities being put to use & the other half feels that these things are channeled from an external place that the artist tunes into using the same methodologies as a wizard or witch. The art that Derek Riggs produced for Iron Maiden is obviously inspired. As a kid, it felt summoned in fact, other worldy, it WAS Iron Maiden as much as Iron Maiden was. I should know, I have been part of several projects where I have BECOME the project itself. It’s an amazing feeling, being a medium, but it is also terrifying as the boundaries between you, your work & the larger project blur. If you extract yourself from whatever it is you’re channeling, you can lose part of who you are in the process. SEAN: I was reading in one interview you were talking about military grade nerve gas ending up in your house in reference to the Thatcher being attacked piece for Maiden’s “Sanctuary”. Were you taking the piss or is there more you’d be interested in talking about? I know Iron Maiden’s themes were heavily laden with conspiracy/New World Order references, from Wrathchild to Powerslave. DEREK RIGGS: Where did you read that interview? No I wasn’t taking the piss, She tried to have me killed with nerve gas. After I survived that I was told that it was a hit by the British secret service by a US Navy SEAL who found out about it on the grapevine that they apparently have. He thought it was wrong that they should do this over a picture that I did. They teach Navy SEALs ethics, something that they don’t teach English politicians, it seems. After he told me that, he said that I wouldn’t see him again because it “would be bad” for his career to be seen with me. I also knew some US Air Force people who stopped coming over to see me at the same time for the same reasons. I am bad company, too bad for US Navy SEALs. The pathetic thing is that I am not very political, the bloody picture wasn’t even my idea, it was the manager’s idea, I just painted the bloody thing. (Well the layout was my idea taken from the song lyrics, making it Thatcher was the manager.) So really they hit the wrong person. The progress of my health has been monitored quite closely by someone in the British government since then. I think they want to know the long term effects of the nerve gas, or maybe how I survived it. Thatcher tried to kill a number of people the same way. In England they called it “M.E.” or “Yuppie Flu” because it only hit young, professional, left-wing oriented people, mostly men. A bit socially specific for a virus don’t you think? And they never found a cause for it, but a lot of people wasted away and died from it. There were never any recorded cases after they deposed Thatcher. She was never voted out of office, she had actually just recently won an election but she was removed from office and the politicians (her own party members) were calling her things like “despicable” and “that dreadful woman” but they never actually said why she had been deposed. Later I found out that she was under permanent house arrest for the arranged killing of an African diplomat. Now they are trying to deify the fucking bitch in a movie... I don’t really want to talk too much about that in interviews, in case the bastards come back for a second go. I have already been warned off suing the British government by someone in a suit. This has nothing to do with anything that Iron Maiden wrote, their ideas come from comics, movies and novels. Not from any experience of real life. And they don’t know or care about anything that happens to me. First about the pesticide thing. That was the cover story for the nerve gas. I used it when I didn’t want to talk about nerve gas because people never believe any of that, they think the world is all sunshine and fluffiness and little pink bunnies, also they think I actually care enough about what they think to make up stories to impress them. Some people have enormous egos about themselves for no good reason that I can see. I only ever tell the truth about anything, mostly based on my own actual experience. Unless someone is trying to kill me over it... The company that the government went through were I.C.I., a big Dutch chemical company, they were trying to turn the nerve gas into a viable pesticide for use on crops. So I got hyper-sensitized to the whole chemical range. So now i have trouble with even tiny amounts of pesticide in things like bread and wheat (which actually has quite high levels sometimes). So actually both stories are true. it hit my system so hard that my body was severely weakened so then I got mercury poisoning from the fillings in my teeth and had to have all my fillings changed for something else. So then I was kind of hyper-sensitized to heavy metals as well. Toxic metals are quite common components of paints, so I had trouble with paints. which I one reason why I had to stop painting and use computers. Shit, what a life... If I had made up a story like this, even I wouldn’t believe it. SEAN: You said, “There is only one qualification you need to become an artist and that is to paint pictures that other people like enough to pay money for. Everything else is bullshit!” You are known for your commercial art work, do you do personal work? DEREK RIGGS: Yes, I don’t see any difference. I paint pictures for a living. I work for anyone who pays me what I ask for. Sometimes I do just what they ask for, sometimes I get to do something that I like. I paint and draw pictures for many people, some of them have been fans, some of them have been musicians for CD covers, some of them have been for bigger commercial clients. SEAN: When you first realized you were going to be an artist, what sort of career or works did you have in mind? Has your career matched your expectations? DEREK: I really never did make a decision like that, there was no realization, it was more of an evolution. It happened gradually. I didn’t make career plans, being an artist really isn’t like that. you can’t really make plans, you just get on with the next thing. There isn’t an employment structure that you can move up or down within. You just get on with the job in hand. I started out painting sci-fi but I wasn’t that good at it back then, also shortly after I started doing it, the movie Star Wars came out and the whole sci-fi book market fell apart. These two things happened at about the same time, I don’t know if they were related though. Publishers who were publishing forty books per month suddenly were only publishing two or three, so the market just fell apart overnight. So I moved into record covers (vinyl only back then, no CDs). The covers were bigger and I got paid more and I got to do a wider variety of styles instead of just rockets all the time. You can read more about this in the book Run For Cover, The Art of Derek Riggs which is available from my website SEAN: Speaking of books, I heard you are working on a horror novel, is that true? DEREK: Yes, it’s turned out to be a very slow thing, I am most of the way through it. I am currently trying to make enough money to take the time off to finish it. I think horror fans might find it quite entertaining. I am going to try to find someone to make it into a movie, that may not be so easy though. SEAN: You’ve switched to doing mostly computer-based artwork, you’ve mentioned in other interviews the benefits being speed & less fussy materials, what are the downsides? DEREK: Well the downsides are that the style isn’t constant; sometimes it doesn’t look as good as a painting. Paintings look more coherent. Sometimes 3D can look really crap. I am trying to make it look better but it’s taken a while. It’s tempting to try to 3D model things that I can do faster by hand, but then if I have a modeled background it can be hard to make things sit in the picture right. In some ways it’s better, in some ways it’s worse. Sometimes it can look really great and everything fits in just right. It can also enable me to do things that I would not attempt using paint. Paint can be a real pain in the ass as well. SEAN: There is a lot of desire from Iron Maiden fans & most likely fans of any music genre for the artists who illustrate the various albums to be fellow fans of the band. You are famously not an Iron Maiden fan & this presents a very difficult conundrum in the mind of the Metal Maniac, because so much of the culture is about being “true” & “destroying posers”. However, I don’t think anyone can argue that you were the wrong artist for the job because the whole visual came from you in the first place & your work fits perfectly. So, it comes down to a conflict between a professional who can do the best job & the fan who might have the most “feeling” for the work. Thoughts?

DEREK: Ooh look, a can of worms... OK here’s the actual situation. This is your reality check, pay attention... A poser is someone who does or says things that may put him in a position which is contrary to his or her true inclination or beliefs. I never said I didn’t like metal, when I was younger I was a metal fan. as were all of my friends. Actually we called it heavy rock back then (early to mid 1970’s). I said I was an ARTIST. I PAINT PICTURES. That’s what I do for a LIVING. I am a PROFESSIONAL COMMERCIAL ARTIST. I enjoy painting sci-fi and horror and other weird stuff. Sometimes my ideas fit into people’s music, sometimes not. It just worked out that I ended up painting rock covers, that’s nice for me (mostly). But if I didn’t end up painting album covers it would not really have changed the kinds of things that I paint. Or the kind of music I listen to. I DID say that I didn’t really like Maiden’s take on metal, but then I didn’t like Zeppelin back in the 1970’s either. I liked other bands like Sabbath and Uriah Heep and Golden Earring and the Groundhogs and Hawkwind and a bunch of other stuff. What about the metal fan who works washing dishes in a restaurant or filing lawsuits in a lawyer’s office or in the military driving tanks or fixes computers at Staples? Are they all posers because their job description is not a part of the heavy metal world view? No of course they aren’t, neither am I. Do you know how many people really live the “Rock&Roll lifestyle?” Not very many who are still alive... Even the metal bands play the music and then go home to the wife and kids. They go shopping in the supermarket and sleep in on Sundays. They don’t slay dragons and devils in defense of truth and honor, they don’t save the world from evil politicians or bad religions. They play the music, they sell the merchandise and then they go home and watch the TV. THAT’S what they do. Do you really think that Ozzy is the “Prince of Darkness”?... No of course he isn’t, don’t be wet! Do you really think that back in the 1970’s Zeppelin used to worship the devil? No, of course they didn’t. It’s all bullshit, they said it to sell records and get laid more often. Oh, and remember my definition of a poser? And whilst I am on the subject, Having a little rant about other people’s bullshit, here’s a good one... I don’t hate metal fans, some of my friends are metal fans. I don’t personally hate Maiden, or metal musicians in general and I don’t hate metal music. That was all started back in the 1980’s by none other than Iron Maiden. Back then they used to get lots of requests for interviews with me. They didn’t want me to get as famous as them, because they are really quite selfish people, and they wanted to keep my artwork all to themselves. So they used to deny all interviews without ever telling me about it (I found out afterwards from people who used to work with them). By way of explanation they would tell people a bunch of deliberate lies about me being a recluse and a bit mad and that I hated all people and all metal fans and all metal music. I mean really, where else would it all have come from? I didn’t start it, and it wasn’t in any interviews, because Maiden wouldn’t let me do any back in the 1980’s. Did the fans make it up on their own? Why would they do that? This was a deliberate attempt to isolate me from the metal community and to damage my career. Since then they have tried on several occasions to materially interfere with and damage my career. And then they lie about it afterwards. I have had several people come back to me and tell me what they did. It isn’t all sunshine and love down at the Maiden camp, in fact I couldn’t find much at all. Actually I don’t hate anyone; I don’t have the time for it. And I certainly don’t have the inclination. Somebody made all the hate shit up and stuck it onto the internet and it’s been swirling round and round the internet like a huge bullshit tornado ever since, because nothing on the internet ever goes away. Even if it’s complete crap. I just set out to paint some good pictures, sometimes I did OK. About the pictures. There is very little difference between a professional artist and an amateur one. The only differences are the amount of experience the professional may have and that the professional gets paid and the amateur doesn’t. All professionals started out as amateurs. If the picture is the right picture, and you think it is good enough, then use it for your metal cover. And then pay the artist. if you are an artist spending all of your free time doing metal covers and you are giving your artwork away then that’s your problem, maybe you should get some more respect for yourself and your art. And stop being such a patsy, do you think the metal bands are giving away all the merchandise royalties to charity? No, of course they aren’t. Get some proper return for your work. Really though, If you seriously think that “fan art” is good enough to use on a professional level then you deserve everything that happens afterwards. There’s a lot of bands out there who try to do that kind of thing and then wonder why they don’t make any money... SEAN: That’s a shame about Maiden. Well, let’s talk about things you like! What are some of your favorite books, movies, records, that sort of thing? DEREK: Yes it is a shame, that all could have been so much more fun. What do I like? Well I recently re-read some books from years ago like Dune by Frank Herbert, and the Necroscope series by Brian Lumley. And I am still trying to finish the Saga of the Seven Suns by Kevin J. Anderson. I just finished a few books by Jack McDevitt. Right now I am reading a book about angels, because I went looking for something else and that was on the shelf instead, so I bought it. I really like all the new Marvel movies about Spiderman and Iron Man and Captain America, I wasn’t too fond of the first Hulk movie though, it was a bit like the bad Japanese horror/sci-fi movies where it turns out to be really all about the director’s relationship with his dead mother or something, and not anything really to do with the Hulk at all. I also really like the Thor movie and I am seriously looking forward to seeing the Avengers movie. Oh yes and Prometheus. The prequel to the first Alien film. I listen to all different kinds of music, from the metal and other rock music I used to listen to when I was younger, to ambient electronic music and other weird stuff, up to jazz and dance music. I also have some reggae, and some theramin music from the 1900’s and some very early electronic music from the time before there were any synthesizers, when they had to build the gear as they went along. I recently got a CD of music played on the Novachord. it’s played on a restored model of the very first modern style synthesizer, it was made back in the 1920’s by the Hammond organ company and it’s made of all vacuum tubes, hundreds of them. But it kind of sounds like shit (in a slightly wonderful way), no wonder they only made 150 of them. Probably the weirdest CD I have is the sounds of x-ray machines working. At first it just sounds like buzzing, but then you start to hear all these delicate textures in there that are constantly changing. One time I was in a furniture store in New Mexico and the air conditioner was broken and it was making the strangest howling, whistling scraping noise, so I just sat on a couch and listened to it for a while. Someone came over to me to see if I wanted to buy a couch, I had to explain that I didn’t want anything and I was really only listening to the sound of the air conditioners. I am trying to convert my art room into a music studio. I thought I would make some more music. I make some kind of synthesizer stuff, it’s usually a bit strange, but it’s fun to do. Once I made some pop music, It was a bit mentally disturbed I think. I really like weird pop music, the kind of really strange and quirky stuff that they used to make back in the 60’s and 70’s, they don’t make that kind of thing any more, everyone is too fucking well up themselves trying to be “cool” all the time. So I tried to make some, it ended up a bit fucked up, but it made me laugh... SEAN: Since we’re on the subject of Maiden, I have to ask an Eddie question, even though I wasn’t going to, just because the topic has possibly been exhausted, but I was reading that when you first painted Eddie in Electric Matthew form, he was a bit of a commentary on the wasted youth of Punks or something along those lines, as well as you working on creating a genuinely scary character using a Lovecraftian contrast of a realistic, normal street with a ghoulish figure rending reality with his terrifying nature. Is Eddie a sympathetic character? DEREK: No, Eddie isn’t sympathetic, he just kills things all the time. He doesn’t give a shit, he’s just angry about stuff. He screams and he bawls like a big baby, he lashes out at the world around him with his mad, insane impotent rage and tries to destroy everything he sees. BUT NOTHING EVER CHANGES, NOBODY EVER CARES.... STUPID ROCK STARS GET RICH, GOOD PEOPLE SUFFER AND DIE.... that’s life, suck it up. SEAN: You called Eddie your “Frankenstein’s Monster”, your creation that gained independence & pursued you to the ends of the earth. This is an issue for anyone who creates, the Frankenstein connection can relate to the creation of children, art or the atomic bomb. PORK has a particular obsession with Frankenstein & I was excited to see you make this connection. I feel that it has something to do with the question earlier where I asked about the relationship between what fans expect from your art & who you are as an artist & then you as an individual. DEREK: Well, I am an artist, I create stuff. All kinds of stuff. Sometimes you might like it, sometimes you might not. I don’t care, I will make it anyway. And if it bugs the shit out of you, then I will do it again. I don’t know what fans expect from my art, they never tell me. There is no feedback between me and any fan base that may exist. Artists don’t really create things for other people, that’s a myth, or a fantasy, or just some personal bullshit they tell themselves. They do it for themselves, because it’s what they want, or need, to do. It’s a response to an inner drive not as a reaction to the external world. If other people like it, then that’s cool. If not... oh well.. never mind. And then they go home and do it some more.

Gimme the Big Wheel or Nothing At All

When people go out drinking they often hear their friends saying “Oh, well I’m a whiskey & beer drinker” or “I only drink wine with food” or “I drink strictly gin, as it matches my anglophile fashion sense and my mid 80’s British record collection”. But what if... WHAT IF booze and beer and wine were really one and the same at the core of their invention, just different segments which fill sections of one big shared WHEEL? As micro-brewing gained mainstream popularity 15 years ago and now even DIY micro-distillation becomes more and more mainstream we start to get a feel of how folks did it back in the day. We’re talking WAY BACK. In the case of making spirits and liqueurs, we are talking about starting from the distillation processes invented by alchemists in Alexandria (though some historians argue it came first from Arab scientists... maybe a 40 mile distance between the two theories). While natural yeasts did the hard work in beer and winemaking, it was the monks, magicians, alchemists and balls-out MAD SCIENTISTS from 500 CE to the “gay” 1890’s that produced the recipes and techniques for most of the cordials and liqueurs we know today. As the Hermetic philosopher Paracelsus wrote, “It’s the dose that makes the poison”, and Paracelsus being one of the first formal Western philosophers since Aristotle to challenge the practice of medical bloodletting, it seems he might have been onto something.

unbelievABLE!!! NEWS OF THE WORLD WITH JASON MCKAY witchcraft! hoaxes! cryptoids! ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theories! scientific scares! the occult! & all manners of weirdness from the desk of the northwests’ premier dubiologist: jason mckay! March 19 WITCHCRAFT Judge Gualberto Cusi refuses to resign from the Bolivian Constitutional Tribunal despite protests from the larger legal community and peers, after he admitted that he uses coca leaves as a divining tool to help him in his daily decision making! March 25 PSYCHIC PHENONEMON Japanese TV actress Tomoko Nakajima claims a string of personal misfortune including gaining weight, missing work and losing her rent money is all due to her mysterious roommate, who is a fortune teller who was brainwashed via mind control! April 25 UFOs and ALIENS Hundreds of eye witnesses in a Nigerian village claim to have sighted a flying city floating in the clouds. Because it did not harm anybody observing the UFO, the villagers believe it is a sign from God that they will be blessed with high technology and prosperity. April 28 SCIENTIFIC SCARES Seattle attorney Andrew Basiago claims that as a child he participated in Project Pegasus, a time traveling experiment sponsored by DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Project Agency) to move U.S. troops throughout different periods of time, such as the U.S. Civil War. Basiago says he has the old timey photographs of himself to prove it! May 5 CRYPTOIDS According to the official current rules of the Texas Parks and Wildlife game laws, it is perfectly legal to shoot and kill a Sasquatch that may be wandering throughout rural Texas. May 10 ANCIENT MYSTERIES A 9th Century Mayan complex was excavated by archaeologists in Guatemala which contains calendar calculations that go 7,000 years into the future, signaling no sign of ‘End of the World’ calculations dating to December 21st, 2012! May 12 MIRACLES Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela claims that he (and other South American leaders) has been miraculously cured of cancer due to divine intervention on behalf of Jesus Christ and Socialism! May 16 CONSPIRACY THEORY Turkish villagers observe a migrating bird suspiciously (its body parts were unusually large?!), and believe it’s carrying a microchip and is a secret spy sent by Israel. Local law enforcement and counterterrorism agents are contacted to capture and dissect the spy bird... they find nothing unusual. May 18 WITCHCRAFT A British traveler is arrested in a Bangkok hotel with a suitcase full of human fetuses that he admits he was going to smuggle into Taiwan and sell to witch doctors to be used in black magic rituals that could offer good luck and fortune. May 22 CRYPTOID A family in the rural village of Chisumbanje in Zimbabwe who have dealt with a variety of escalating misfortunes, including having stones mysteriously thrown at them & having their homes burned down, blame the situation on goblins targeting them for misbehavior after handling some money making charms.

The ongoing theme with our early relationship to so many various alcoholic drinks, tinctures, poisons and potions, oddly enough was... HEALTH! “Many have said of Alchemy, that it is for the making of gold and silver. For me such is not the aim, but to consider only what virtue and power may lie in medicines.” - Paracelsus Beer and wine were sterile sources of urban human hydration during the many ages before widespread plumbing, when safe drinking water was scarce (and when most of Europe’s water supplies were tainted with poo-germs and other stuff that makes people sick). Now, the potions we call cordials (from the latin cordialis relating to heart health) started during the Alchemical quest to turn lead into gold, but became known even moreso for their helter-skelter grab-bag of health benefits. For example, both Benedictine and Chartreuse remain closely guarded recipes sourced from Benedictine and Carthusian monks who found those recipes in *GASP* funky old grimoires (yes, they literally stumbled on the recipes in those musty old leather bound over-sized books of magic spells which seemed to abound at certain points in human history... for realz!) and these recipes remain closely guarded trade secrets of way over 100 ingredients, maintained by monks under strict vows of silence (or by the lawyers of current owners Martini and Rossi, in the case of Benedictine), and similarly Vermouth is based on herbal concoctions, mixed into wine... though we know the primary herb is definitely Wormwood, the same herb found in Absinthe, and which is known and accepted for helping the body rid itself of parasites (known in the medical world as an emetic), among other *a-hem* effects. Converting herbal folk remedies into tinctures and liqueurs was also a way to preserve any given harvest of any given herb for decades upon decades without worries, and just think of how awesome that must have been to people in the Dark Ages and Middle Ages... it’s the modern storage equivalent of a 1000 GB flash-drive, in terms of relative convenience. A good example of converting fragile botanical ingredients into liqueur is St. Germaine. Each year they send a small army of old guys on bicycles up into the mountains to pick all the Elderflowers they can fit onto a Schwinn. Instead of making tea, they make a liqueur which has over 100 times the shelf life, and a LOT more market value. So by the time of the Black Death, people were taking herbs in alcohol-based tinctures left and right to fight off the plague... and probably none of them worked. Regardless, the practice of gobbling-up cordials & herb based liqueurs for the sake of health was now widespread from Iberia to Denmark, and in full swing. When contemporary mixologists try to postulate that mixed drinks are a 19th or 20th century phenomenon, they are full of wormwood. Wine and beer have been mixed with cordials, tinctures and liqueurs since the middle ages and beyond. People used whatever was on-hand, mixing herbal tinctures and liqueurs into beer and wine, and vice versa. You gotta remember that herbed wines, beers and ciders were basically the Dr. Peppers, Advils, Ritalins and Paxils of century after century after century, prior to “modern” pharmacology... and how many people do you know who still prefer a stiff cocktail in a pretty glass, instead of a pill? My hand is up... is yours? Is the beer-winespirit continuum simply a part of human genetic memory at this point in history?

The lines that separated the early versions of western medicine, philosophy, science, health and recreation were very blurry prior to Freud and Louis Pasteur. On occasion some of it even worked... and if nothing else, at least you got a drink out of it. That’s May 29 CULTS Members of the Knights Templars Mexican drug cartel declare war on U.S.-owned multi- more than I can say for my HMO, and national corporation Pepsico (you know, the owners of Pepsi and Cheetos) for allegedly spying on their operations on behalf of Mexican law enforcement. Five warehouses and company vehicles have been firebombed since these suspicions! May 30 GHOSTS The abandoned Riyadh Irqa Hospital in Saudi Arabia has become a popular investigation place for amateur ghost hunters, who claim it is full of djinns (Arabian mythological evil spirits), which has caused authorities to keep the ghost hunting trespassers from breaking into and destroying the hospital. May 31 MIRACLES A Splendora, Texas family observing the build-up of mold in their shower realize that it is a miraculous image of Jesus Christ, which has given them ‘strength’ and the will to efficiently clean their bathroom.

STRANGE DESCRIPTORS Hoof & Tail “Hoof and tail” describes an animal quality found in a lot of French wines that use ancient production techniques. Cabernet Franc based wine from rural Loire and also Gamay based Beaujolais wines can absorb different pieces of the spectrum of barnyard essence. This strange descriptor comes from Kester Masias, a Sommelier / Wine Steward in NYC who works at Marseille near the Theater District and Times Square. Submit your own Strange Descriptors to

fukitor comics

chromium dioxide v steele diamond

By Jason Karns Years of twee DIY comic-a-days by librarians with cats & completley irrelevant tripe superhero comics & bullshit art-damaged weiner comics made me retreat into a world of old Archies, Bobby Madness & Heavy Metal magazines. Comics are a dead medium! FUKITOR has given me hope that comics can be correct! FUKITOR comics are 70s Weird War & Demonic Tales type comics on 80s steroids. Jason Karns even cares enough about the aesthetic of his books to shittily print them on newsprint. In short, buy FUKITOR, this is what comics are supposed to be.

By Philthy & Slimer Taking their name from the chemical compound that is used to create magnetic tape, Chromium Dioxide covers Metal & Horror in a super-dense, filled to the fucking brim, graphically intense package. Philthy & Slimer are zine editors after my own heart, not geeks with glasses, but real dudes who are way into the culture. This zine is top notch, this issue reflects an absurd amount of time & energy put into it that you don’t find in many zines. I’ve been wanting to guide zines towards what they are supposed to be. Move them away from the tea drinking, glasses wearing, bike riding, vegan food obsessing, allergies complaining, cat owning Portland model & crank the volume up, write about something you are obsessed with, learn how to write, make it interesting, work hard, stop complaining, develop a voice, keep it weird, reflect the correct culture of ROCK&ROLL, WEIRDO ART & BAD IDEAS. YOU GET ME? CHROMIUM DIOXIDE!!! STEELE DIAMOND!!! AAAAAAAAAH!!!! JUST ORDER IT!!!!

if you like metallica...

By Mike McPadden published by Backbeat I love Metallica’s first four records. I love Thrash Metal in general. Once Metallica went from being a Thrash genre band & started pursuing becoming the most successful version of itself, I lost interest. But I will never deny the fact that Metallica is important to me & that they are still pretty cool. This book is part of a series of books exploring the background of popular bands via the building blocks that went into making them up. It’s great as some kind of backwards thing, where all those kids who got into Metallica after Thrash went back underground can learn about what went into creating Metallica & the broader cultural background that they come from. While a part of me still thinks that people should just figure this shit out for themselves, the true success of a culture doesn’t come from obscurity & insularity but from attracting as many people as possible & communicating the important ideas to them as clearly as possible.

the cartoon history of the universe

By Larry Gonick published by Three Rivers Press I used to wind up passed-out & sometimes even puking on the floor of ARCHAEOPOP professor Dan Shoup’s room quite frequently in my 20s. For some reason, the good professor would rarely rise before me, so in the wee hours of the morning I would spend my time reading books from his library. History in school had been presented in little vignettes, disjointed events taught with an emphasis on dates or moral aphorisms.Because of this, & because I didn’t pay attention in school, I was insecure in my knowledge of history & decided to take Larry Gonick’s komical krash kourse in cartoon history. I devoured all three available volumes with a speed & desire that was almost sexual in nature. My understanding of human history & the nature of time was destroyed & rebuilt in a space of a few hours. Seriously, these books gave me an insanely clear view of human history in such a short amount of time, it was almost unreal. Most people have NO sense of history, so they don’t understand all of the repeating patterns that have happened in the human story. Human nature is made overtly apparent as you watch the same things happen over & over & over again. Gonick presents history from as neutral a position as possible, as it should be. I can’t stand history being taught with a moral or political agenda to it (most history is presented this way). Make up your own mind from the truth. The Cartoon History of the Universe is a great place to start your journey into understanding what has happened in our past & where we will go in the future!

Occupy the Anthropocene by PROFESSOR Dan Shoup Yes I am jumping on this Occupy bandwagon, because it’s for real. As philosophy, it’s a serious upgrade of the hippy ‘be here now’: because it’s not just being, but OCCUPYING. Don’t be the navel-gazing wallflower, get in the pogo pit. Be French Canadian and go around banging on a pot. Whatever you do, live your life in full view. Human history is filled with daring occupations, big and small. I was reading in Science magazine about the first people to occupy the Aleutian Islands off Alaska. They showed up 9,000 years ago, as soon as the glaciers melted – even before plants started growing out there – and made lives for themselves. In fact, humans got everywhere in really ancient times with nothing but stone tools, and knowledge of the stars. Last issue I wrote about how maybe people came to ancient America from the east as well as the west. Even more impressive is the people that made it from Africa to Australia 50,000 years back, or the Polynesians and Melanesians who journeyed to the Pacific islands and even Madagascar. Those people weren’t just sitting around ‘being’, they were occupiers. Now let me get to the other half of the title. The Anthropocene is the geological age we live in right now. It means ‘new human age’. That’s right, we’ve changed the chemistry and geology of the earth enough to have a whole new age named after us. Like it or not, the world we live in is made by our own hands. We’ve been terraforming the planet for at least 50,000 years and even the deserts of Australia and rainforests of Brazil have the stamp of humanity on them. After thousands of years of thinking of nature as either our implacable enemy, or our utopian Eden, we have to come to terms with the fact that nature… is us.

Portland’s West End-Here’s the Juice

Today’s Oregonian business headline says “West End Flourishes and Keeps Its Funky Urban Vibe”. That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever read in my life. I was just down there the other day. Django’s Records, which used to sell used cassettes and accuse me of shoplifting, has been replaced with a store that sells $4,000 bicycles and $235 shoes. Ozone Records has been replaced with a Buffalo Exchange, who only buy clothes you want to keep anyways. Powell’s Books has been replaced with Powell’s Books, who hate their own union and is only for people who can’t figure out how to get on Amazon. “Vaseline Alley” bars are being run off one by one. The crappy warehouse district is now the racist Pearl district. Condo creeps maintain their unequal lifestyle, selling whiskey in their supermarkets but making it so you can’t buy a 40 without a rent receipt. It’s only “funky” in the sense that it stinks like an old man’s asshole. It’s whitewashed, and makes me puke. The purple glass on the sidewalks that provided light to the Shanghai Tunnels has been paved over -- in other words they even kicked the ghosts out of the neighborhood. Portland’s rich honkies are always destroying their own history, throwing out the baby with the bathwater. Forcing 24 hour stores to close from 2:30 to 6, destroying porn stores, opening shitty college tourist bars owned by assholes where decent jazz clubs used to be. And the worst part is, they haven’t even slowed down the drug trade they use as an excuse to destroy the local culture. Just like when they demolished all the minority neighborhoods to put in the freeway, the Nazi pigs who run this city steamroll real culture, because they hate creativity, coolness, black people and dumbasses like me. It hurts, deep down, and causes immeasurable damage to the people with soul who make this town great in the first place. And it’s not just a Portland problem, it’s a New York and San Francisco problem too. It’s a sickening sign of a profit-oriented culture, run by all the wrong people. It’s a state of cultural Martial Law, as honkey scum hijack cash so they can laugh as we suffer. The joke’s on them though, because nobody smart will settle for their fake, half-assed “entertainment district” bullshit with its watered down drinks, exorbitant cover charges, pathetically bland art and ridiculous, canned, lip-synched music. It will flop worse than this column, and be twice as fucking stupid.

Goodbye Nightclub Life

My fucking bar career is over, thank Goddess. I mean, not just because of all the charges, but also because it was time. Being a booze pusher ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Government sanctioned drug dealing is all it is. And I love bars. The whole culture, it’s the last vestige of true tribalism in the United States. Plus, alcohol is truth serum -- it makes you honest, makes ugly people cuter, helps you. I would think about it -- which was I more faithful to, my brand of beer or my girlfriend? Budweiser wins hands down -- it’s been around forever. She hasn’t. I could go get a Bud right now if i wanted to, but I couldn’t fuck that bItch, no matter how hard I tried (even when we were dating). But alas, it’s over. One of the weIrdest things about working in bars is just the way you start to see people. You cut through the bullshit. You get a sense of the limited amount of time we all have. You see people at theIr highest and lowest, and see them for what they really are. It’s a double edged sword though. Plus, it doesn’t Now a lot of people left and right are seriously invested in pretending that humans help that most of the people you see are bar people, who do not have their shit together. I mean, if are just spectators in this world of ours. The fundies think that climate change they were sane, why would they be in a bar in the first place? Most people aren’t like, “Hey, I really feel great. I think I’ll go sit in the bar all year!” Financially, it’s also stupid. Think of the hike-up on a $7 bottle can’t happen because it’s not in the magic book. Deep ecologists have the idea of booze -- there’s about 20 well drinks in each one. And all the bar does is put in the ice and the soda. that the world is some kind of holy virgin being raped, so everyone should casBands are supported, artists and scammers and whores ride on the coattails of this scene -- a scene trate themselves to make it stop. We live in a culture of propaganda and delusion, constructed to separate the lonely and desperate from their hard-earned cash. And it’s cool -- I’ll admit where driving a Prius saves trees and coal is clean. Occupying the Anthropothat. It’s ingrained in our culture to the point of no return, since the Mesopotamians, for Christ’s sake. I’ll miss the love, but not the corny jokes. I won’t miss the fakeness, the people talking over me, ignorcene is about cutting through this haze by naming and claiming all that we do as ing me, not giving a fuck if I live or die. I’m glad I got out before it ate me alive. Because the bar scene humans. If we think of the world as one big archaeological site – because it IS doesn’t come with a retirement plan. It uses you up. It’s easy money but it comes at a price. When you one – then we can use an archaeologist’s eye to understand what’s really going wake up and your life’s over, and you haven’t put any money away, and your back’s gone, or you’re on. What do you find at a dig? Human acts and the traces they leave. It’s garbage, gone because somebody blasted you at the door... That I won’t miss. All the beautiful losers in the but it’s also treasure – because it tells us about things that really happened rather world can’t make up for some dead turkey working the door. So I now face court-ordered retirement, and honestly, I’m ready for it -- ready to face the corniness of sobriety instead. Hoo fucking ray, my bar than what others want us to believe. career has finally ended.

A vignette: Archaeologist Bill Rathje ran an excavation for 20 years in a Tucson landfill. Then he went and talked to the families whose trash they were digging up. Guess what? The truth was in the trash! People recycled less than they claimed, and threw away much more. They ate more junk food, drank more booze, and looked at more porno magazines than they admitted. But they weren’t lying - they just didn’t want to remember the truth. As Rathje said: “what people have owned -- and thrown away -- can speak more eloquently, informatively, and truthfully about the lives they lead than they themselves ever may.” (Rathje died in May at age 66. I think he’s a hero of the Anthropocene.) You get it, don’t you? You know you’ve felt like garbage for at least some of your life. Maybe they literally threw you in a dumpster at some point. But listen – it’s good to be trash, because trash is where the truth is. If you can see the people and things that have been discarded, you can lift the veils of propaganda about ‘how the world really is’. To do that, you need to become an archaeologist and learn to see patterns in a random stream of waste. Slavoj Zizek, the Slovenian philosopher, once visited a British garbage dump and found the meaning of love. He said, “to recreate, if not beauty, than an

aesthetic dimension in things like this – in trash itself – that is the true love of the world. Because what is love? Love is not idealization. Every true lover knows that if you really love a woman or a man you don’t idealize him or her. Love means that you accept a person with all its failures, stupidities, ugly points, nonetheless the person is an absolute for you, everything that makes life worth living. You see perfection in imperfection itself. and that’s how we should learn to love the world. A true ecologist loves all this.” [Points to huge pile of garbage.]

Our Anthropocene era is a hot mess, a glorious ruin, and it is sometimes dirty and ugly. But turning away in shame is a betrayal. We’re all hideous bags of mucus and blood, bacteria and crap, but we still love and are loved. In that spirit we have to Occupy the Anthropocene, jump in the pit of the world, wade shamelessly into environmental degradation, get a bloody nose from the fumes, and write it a love note anyway. To kick a destructive habit you have to look the problem in the eye, challenge it to a fight, and keep punching until you win. It’s an alchemical process: Occupy, archaeology, and everything else worth doing takes base matter – ancient trash, hippies, whatever – and tries to transmute it something eternal. Lead

into gold, garbage into history, and – just maybe – discontent into revolution.


I have been trying to avoid writing a column about memories of zines from the past, but as I prepare to begin my sentence within the next week, I feel compelled to put down something for posterity and shit. I think ‘85 was a good year. I was living in a Ford Econoline in Berkeley with my wife, a 17 year old runaway from Boston. University Avenue had a cool coffee shop, that was our bathroom/breakfast spot. Comic Relief was around the corner. That was where I first met D, who was a dreadlocked pothead back then. He was probably about 15, and he either lived there, or worked there, or both. Plus he had a skateboard, and liked Bad Brains. This was about the time Skrub approached me to do some art for his new single, that was a benefit for Food not Bombs (and/or a battered women’s center), and I agreed, as I have consumed a lot of their food. I had to draw it on the steering wheel, looking over the bay so I could see the sunset, playing NPR to stay informed and so that I could feel normal -- like I was a part of the human race, listening to news like an actual person. A lot of punks were Suicidals then, affecting gang posturing with mixed results. San Francisco’s mayor, Diane Feinstein, used this to classify the Punk Rockers as a street gang. The skinheads were majorly fucking up shows, and trashing all Punker’s faces and stealing their coats. There were all these great shows, but we were too cool to go to them (we being me & Julie). I didn’t like gangs, but I also wasn’t interested in hearing someone preach about Unity - that sounded like hippy shit to me. So, I missed some of the best shows in the world at Kill-men Street, and spent the night drinking Burgermeister in the bushes instead. Me and Julie would crack open houses down near the Marina and hang out, and get clam chowder to go. There was a club down University Avenue, where we saw The Minutemen. She loved Texas punk, which I hated. Skrub had a clicker for the Kinkos machine so we could get free copies. Then i’d sell my comics in the back of Comic Relief, thanks to D. They had a location in SF too, on Haight. Down Telegraph there was a High School football field, and we would spend my money from selling blood at “Stab-lab” on Burgermeister, and sit there and drink it with JJ and Spider. It wasn’t no great kicks, it was just killing time and enjoying each other’s company. Amoeba Records would buy second hand cassettes, so that also contributed to our finances. By the end of the winter I had finally finished the record cover, a major accomplishment for me. Plus we had survived for a few more months, eaten some great quartermeal, and had some groovy acid trips. I sold the van for ticket money back to New York, and that was that. It’s ancient, boring history now, but it’s what makes me do comic zines still -- wanting to get printed art out there, having an impact on your environment. Recording your version of events, and stopping Ronald Reagan.

BUY REAL MADNESS COMIX! available at the pork shop



Greetings PORK readers! I’m here again to pour cool water on the burning questions of the day, ‘cause temperatures are rising and with it tempers, troubles and turmoil abound. Our first letter comes from one of our brothers and sisters fighting the good fight against The Man!

Dear Slow, My friends and I were camping out in front of City Hall, when all of a sudden in the early hours of the morning we were surrounded by police in riot gear and moved off the plaza by force! One of my friends was arrested, and another was hurt pretty bad (and she was a girl)! My question is, how can we take we take revenge on these brainless pig pawns of the establishment when they have all the guns? Sincerely, Gunless in Ogawa P.S. All of the gun stores in the Bay Area have been shut down. Dear Gunless, In this situation, I would suggest that rather than striving for Revolution, you engage in an act of transmutation: specifically, melting the police’s weaponry down to slag ore. Early Islamist alchemist Jabir Ibn Hayyan discovered that aqua regia, a mixture of nitric and hydrochloric acids, can dissolve even the noblest metal (gold). I suggest you apply some aqua regia to the little piggies’ pistols. As you run away laughing, the men in blue will be left stunned and staring at smoldering piles of smelted steel. Dear Slow Poisoner, I’m wondering if I may be living in more than one dimension. My first clue is that I often receive multiple monthly bills from my insurance company. Each bill is in my name but lists a different amount owed. I’m very concerned that if I don’t pay them all, I may not be fully covered in the other dimensions. What’s your advice? - Jimmie D., Eugene, Oregon Dear Jimmie D., Penalties for underpayment of utility bills vary greatly from dimension to dimension. Since the fourth dimension is defined by modern physics as a unification of time and space called “spacetime,” it’s unusual to be penalized for spacing on your gas bill in the 4th dimension. The 5th dimension, however, is tied to theories of gravitational weakness that result in unpaid bills being a rather heavy matter. My advice to you is to get off the grid entirely – use rainwater and candles. Burn, baby, burn! Dear Slow Poisoner, You are awesome. Your cool makes me weep. I have a question for you: When wooing a lady, what’s the best method to sarande? - Budha Mann, Morehead, Kentucky Dear Budha, I’m going to assume that you meant to inquire of the best method to serenade a lady, as Sarande is a coastal village in Albania. As far as serenading goes, I recommend that you sequester yourself in the bushes outside her bedroom window, and sing the following verses in a high falsetto while gently strumming a lute:

“O gossamer maiden of the mournful waters, I sing of your eye-teeth which gleam like yellow jaundiced moons, And sweet utterances and undulations perchance bespeak anon That my loaf of rye longs to navigate up-end in your bloomers. I sprinkle periwinkle haloes on your pale, sloping brow As meadowlarks croon in your crimson casket Let us prance on plains of elder-dust and figs While I charm the wormwood in your sphincter.” CONFIDENTIAL to Bill S. in Quinnwood, West Virginia: Precisely at 10:45 pm on the evening of August 17th, make your way to the corner of Bell Blvd. and McClung St. Bring with you a large net, the kind suitable for catching large fish or small game. Look upwards, and be alert! ASTROLOGICAL NOTES for the quarter: Vega, the Summer Star, has ascended within the constellation we know as Lyra the Harp. Lyra the Harp was the instrument of legendary Greek musician Orpheus, and was tossed in a river following his death at the raving hands of the Bacchantes, the female followers of Dionysis. The Bacchantes existed in a state of ecstatic frenzy, driven mad by drinking and dancing, dressed only in fawn skins and laurel wreaths. Prone to excited shouting and unable to control their sexual urges, they would ritualistically hunt other creatures, including man, to devour their raw flesh. Let us follow their lead, my friends!


For those of you PORKers who don’t know Greg Ashley and his alchemical music, maybe buying that pistol for Russian Roulette tonight was a TOTALLY good idea, good luck soldier. For those whose heads are not surrounded entirely by sand, Greg “Texas Chainsaw” GAshley has been pumping out the divine sounds since we was all little baby pigs sucking on the teats of our mothers... speaking of Mothers: how punk rock is it to include a letter from your mother in your record aptly titled MEDICINE FUCK DREAM. The aforementioned letter from mama not only complained about the name of the record but also threatened Greg to cut off his cellphone and car insurance... if you know Greg then you have seen his gentle, angelic, BBQ-stained wings, and have also seen him lying in the gutter with a $2 Korean sushi in one hand and a empty bottle of rice wine in the other. The man cannot resist budget Oriental cuisine... I have seen him curb jaw a homeless guy just to get a sip of that sake. Anyways, let’s let the ancestors speak of the man I dare say might be the “Roky Erikson of our Generation”... I give you... Greg Ashley a-la-carte!. First card... what do people think of Greg?


Ooooooohhhhhhh!!!!!! People see Greg hangin’ upside down, staring at Giant Burger’s empty parking lot and wondering “where are all my niggas at?” The Hanged Man is a very misunderstood card. It is not negative at all, it is in fact very punk. The man who is in a nowin situation, the one who knows he is stuck and prefers to just sway in the wind than make a decision towards altering his destiny.... Second card... what does Greg think of himself?


Ahhhh, Greg is the mirror of his own soul... he sees himself as his own reflection... if he is content and happy, then so is his reflection. If he wants to score a piece of ass or rock, then so does his reflection. The sun also gives us all a divine path, looks us straight in the eyes like Highlander or the angel of judgment and is the fire that warms our hearts and burns our skin. How is my skin by the way? The sun is also infinite, and Greg sees an infinity of mirror reflections of himself. It has been said that it was the devil that lit the sun on fire... but according to Greg it was Big Poppa!!! “Nigga you don’t love me... you love crack!!!” - Big Poppa (talking about Greg, of course). Last card... what Greg really is.


Yes indeed... the one who blows the trumpet and shakes all of our cages... the Pied Piper who shoos all the snakes out of the jungle and makes every day for us a life worth living. The one whose voice pierces through the clouds and hits our pineal gland and juices it like a clitoris... when you see him coming, better step aside... on your knees, Japanese... cuz here comes the JUDGE!!! NOBUNNY has been shakin’ his nasty furs in our faces for a very long time. As a child you may have seen his type in your classroom eating paste, or sticking magic markers in his butt, or showing his wee wee to all the girls in the class. Well imagine if that child suddenly grew up, and broke into your child’s room with his three day stubble on... then he pulled out a knife and skinned the Easter Bunny’s face off and stuck it on his own, all this while your kid is fast asleep... no, this is not Jim Carrey in a John Carpenter movie... this is not real at all, sorry.... let’s just do this... ladies and gentlemen, PORK your eyes on NOBUNNY a-la-carte!!! What do people think of Nobunny?


People know that NOBUNNY needs to be alone to be in his element... he is that crazy old man in the mountains who is making a bong out of an apple and selling it to your kids... he is the bearded magic man who must follow his own light (usually that of a joint) in order for him to truly create the magic he makes. So next time you see him, leave him alone, give him some bud and buy some merch. What does Justin think of NOBUNNY?


Ahhhhh... he has been through all the ups and downs that there can be... from touring with a fresh-out-of-prison KK & BBQ, to pissing his pants at the border while the van was being searched for drugs... Justin just wants to be able to decide what path he must follow... and that damn Greg Ashley blowing that trumpet so loud in the sky is starting to annoy NOBUNNY so much that he might have to go down to Oakland and record a solo album of acoustic GG Allinesque “Carmelita” jammzzzzz with him very soon... (Wink, wink... nudge, nudge... say no more.) What NOBUNNY really is.


The man opening the mouth of the bunny and forcing his head inside its throat... NOBUNNY is power, lust and sensuality of ballsweat, the gentle softness of a pube... every man’s wurst nightmare... and every girl’s wet dream..... oh Mr. NOBUNNY please bring me some eggs this Easter and make them hairy, pot-smoking ones that never leave my couch... I love you, Justin!!! God Dammit. And so concludes the first installment of my PORK Tarot... should you have any questions or need any advice feel free to find me at Tarot-Rism by King Khan on Facebook.



MEATBALL GUM by ACCOUTREMENTS This gum is too hard with a spicy spice drop flavor. The outsides are dusty & after you’ve finally broken down their rock-hard exterior they make a gum that is overly soft. TOXIC WASTE BUBBLEGUM by CANDY DYNAMICS This is soooo sour! Who knew they could make things this sour? This is out of hand! POPCORN GUM by LUDO This gum is sticking to my fillings & stretching into gross little strings. It tastes like lemon dish detergent & looks like stale canned corn. BUBBLE PASTE by LUDO This one might be stale because it’s hard to get out of the tube. Instead of producing the correct amount of resist & chew, it is too soft. For a whole tube of gum, there isn’t a lot of gum in here either & it’s kind of sour. FACE TWISTERS BUBBLE GUM STIK by SCHUSTER This one comes in a huge yard of gum. Man, it really twists your face like it’s being flushed down the toilet! Great bubblegum too. QUENCH GUM by MUELLER This cute, two-tone gum tastes like baby aspirin in a good way. As you get chewin’ you start salivating & then you’ve got a mouthful of spit & gum. I’m not sure what the point of this is, but it wasn’t bad.

Al Goldstein is living alone and in poverty, in some shithole, a bus ride away from the last stop on the A train in Far Rockaway. Today times are tough, but it wasn’t always like this for the King of Porn. In 1968 Al Goldstein co-founded (with Jim Buckley) the ground-breaking and long-running pornographic newspaper Screw: The Sex Review. Over the course of 35 years he accumulated (and spent) millions of dollars and enjoyed all the fringe benefits that come with an exalted position in the sex underground. A much-reviled figure on the left, but well-loved in the streets, he is also well-known as the host and producer (with radio personality Alex Bennett) of the cult classic Midnight Blue, a New York based, public-access cable television series, which started in 1975 and ran until 2002. Being a natural and irrepressible contrarian, Goldstein has been no stranger to controversy. Screw #15, which featured a composite photo of New York’s then-mayor John Lindsay’s head atop a naked (well-endowed) man, garnered him his first arrest—just eight hours after the issue hit newsstands. Over the course of his tenure at Screw he would endure 20 more arrests, as well as countless lawsuits for harassment, criminal obscenity and slander. “What the government didn’t realize was that every time I got arrested, when they said United States of America vs. Al Goldstein, I was so starved for attention and recognition that that encouraged me. If they’d only been quiet maybe I would have gotten bored. But every time they busted me, it only made me say, ‘Fuck you.’ I’m so ornery and insane that I wouldn’t accept it.” Much like he has been left to rot in the wilds of Queens, Al Goldstein and Screw have been effectively written out of the history of the underground press. I will spare you the details of the argument either for or against his inclusion in that history, but I mention this because the anecdotes presented below are outtakes from an interview I did with him for my book about the sixties underground press, On the Ground (PM Press, 2011). In addition to his sections in my book, for further reading I highly recommend checking out his hilarious autobiography I, Goldstein: My Screwed Life (Thunder’s Mouth Press, 2006).

Al Goldstein on: The highs and the lows It was joyous; it was a party all the time. I’d go to Players Retreat at night, where I would go to the orgy room. Pussy was available…I thought Jesus I must be the handsomest guy in the world. No, I was one of the richest guys in the world. I lived on 61st Street and my next door neighbor was Bill Cosby. I’d go to Bangkok twice a year because I loved Thai food, and I loved the pussy in Thailand. I’d buy clothing; I’d go to restaurants like Le Cirque, and you name a restaurant and I’d go there. I would take my limousine to White Castle and to Nathan’s. I loved having a chauffeur. Now everything is a bus. We were taking $4,000 a week a piece from the hooker ads, and that’s why when Screw lost all the advertising to the Internet it was shocking. I said to my friends, why

didn’t I put money away? Why am I so poor? Because when you’re making money you don’t think it will stop. I gave wives money…my son money. I was self-indulgent. I was spending thousands of dollars a week on clothing because I had just lost weight. Who thought Screw would end? I thought we would last forever and I attack myself for being so stupid. At 31 I started with money, and I never thought it would stop. Being hated on the left I wasn’t wildly friendly with the left. Because Screw was so explicitly sexual, the feminists would denounce me. I was denounced like I was a fucking leper. I remember meeting Timothy Leary—I interviewed him—and I remember asking him…because he had hid some pot in his daughter’s pussy…and I questioned him about that and he got really upset. I always went where no one else would go. Being loved in the streets I’ll tell you who liked me the most: minorities. Blacks loved me. Spanish people loved me. Because I’d started Midnight Blue [a TV show that was famous for the ‘Fuck Yous.’ Fuck You to my barber; Fuck You to my dry cleaner; Fuck You to a restaurant on Houston Street for not putting enough garlic in my hamburgers] I was like everyman. Here’s this white guy who’s insane doing ‘Fuck Yous’ to the establishment, saying, “I’d fuck J. Edgar Hoover in the ass.” I mean this was unheard of. So the people who liked me were the people who were grinded down by poverty like I was. Now I was no longer poor, but I had been, and my empathy was with poor people. I was an outlaw. I would get groups of people who would mug you, coming over to me telling me how much they loved Midnight Blue. Marriage and fantasy Guys live in a fantasy. How often men come over to me with a beautiful wife and say, “God I want a hooker. God I want three women.” I say, “You fucking asshole. That’s all fantasy; these are actresses. Girls aren’t running around saying cum on my tits. You’re a fucking moron.” Pornography really creates a fantasy of a world that doesn’t exist, but that’s why it works—because marriage is so fucking boring. You know that you’re married. Linda Lovelace What about Linda Lovelace…1973 I got a blowjob, ate her pussy and I got laid because I had given Deep Throat 100 points on the Peter Meter, and her husband Chuck Traynor wanted to thank me. With the photos that we ran in Screw I couldn’t show my face because I was married. But my wife saw my cock, which hooks to the right, and she said, “That’s your cock Al, isn’t it?” So she found out. But how was I going to pass up a blowjob from Linda Lovelace? Jackie Kennedy I have to tell you: “How did I get Jackie Kennedy?” I didn’t pay a nickel for it. There was an Italian magazine called Playmen. I bought the magazine for $20, and I stole the photo. This was not any big challenge. Larry Flynt ran it eight months later. I liked her. I always wanted to eat her pussy. Limits [We would run it] as long as there were no children. We were also told we could be arrested for animals. I had Linda Lovelace being fucked by a dog [in one issue], and after I was warned that I could be busted for bestiality, I stopped doing that. But other than that…violence—no one gets shot; no one gets beaten up. I remember having articles in Screw that offended people. I remember one was called “The Turds of Hell,” and it was some weird group that loved to eat shit. I thought it was gross, but who am I to censor it? It was really gross though. Someone would give me a hard time, and I’d say,

“I’d rather be selling Screw than cigarettes.”


PORK VS. PORK by Sean & Katie


by Sean & Katie

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PORK #7  


PORK #7