ROCK&ROLL+WEIRDO ART+BAD IDEAS
FREE! winter #5
NEW YEAR’S WISHES FROM THE PORK FAMILY the beauty of I want pop music to get weirder and sillier! I want the 99% to recognize banks to go fuck themweird pop again! Either suddenly or slowly. Also I want corporate the consumer! Redistriselves for the duration of 2012. Demonstration of the power of bution of wealth! For real this time. I love my credit union. -Cody Blanchard (King Lollipop, Shannon & the Clams)
WINTER 2012 issue 5
2011 WAS CRAZY! IT WAS DEFINITELY THE YEAR WHEN EVERYONE FINALLY ADMITTED THAT WE’RE FUCKED! FINALLY! I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS SINCE I WAS BORN, MAN. A LOT OF US HAVE ONLY LIVED DURING THESE BUBBLE ECONOMY CYCLES SO IT SEEMS NORMAL, BUT THIS ISN’T THE WAY IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE. THIS ISN’T A HEALTHY SOCIETY. AMERICA DESERVES BETTER THAN STUPID ECONOMIC BUBBLES. WHAT ARE BUBBLES FOR? POPPING! WE GOTTA BUILD OUR SHIT UP LIKE ONE OF THOSE HUGE BURGERS. DON’T SKIMP ON ANYTHING. PUT IT ALL THERE. DOUBLE CHEESE BURGER WITH EVERYTHING ON IT. YOU THINK THAT’S ENOUGH? YOU’RE WRONG. YOU NEED A STRAWBERRY SHAKE & A LARGE ORDER OF FRIES. WHILE WE’RE AT IT, LET’S CHECK OUT A DRIVE-IN MOVIE, LET’S GET A COUPLE BIG POP CORNS & A LEMONADE & SOME RED VINES. WE’RE CHECKING OUT A LOCALLY MADE HORROR MOVIE WITH A BUNCH OF OPENING BANDS: KING LOLLIPOP & GUANTANAMO BAYWATCH ON THIS SCREEN. THE OTHER SCREEN HAS AN EXPERIMENTAL ART MOVIE. DANNY JAMES & PEAR & ANDY HUMAN ARE OPENING UP FOR IT. WHEN IT’S OVER WE’RE GONNA GO TO A PARTY AT A RECLAIMED APARTMENT BUILDING THAT’S BEEN CONVERTED INTO ARTIST STUDIOS & LIVING SPACES. THERE’S A CAFE ON THE BOTTOM FLOOR, I’M DRINKING AN EGG CREAM & WATCHING “IT’S CRAZY TIME” ON THE PORK INTERNET TV CHANNEL. THEN WE’RE GONNA HEAD OUT TO THE RECLAIMED MALL WHICH HAS AN AMUSEMENT PARK INSIDE OF IT, APARTMENTS, VENUES & COOL BOUTIQUES. IT’S OPEN 24-7! GONNA RIDE THESE MONSTER BUMPER CARS & CRASH OUT. THAT’S WHAT WE’RE AIMING FOR IN 2012. IT’S PORK TIME KIDS! TOMORROW BELONGS TO US! ROCK & RULE! -SEAN, Der SchweinReich Führer
WANTED! MORE READERS LIKE: MANDEE GUSHUE!!!
rob cheese … Robble! Rob rob robblty rob PORK robble 2012 robblations. Robble sauce. Robble fast more cheese … more more cheese and more more more special Robblty rob first sign robble young! Robble Now! Robble rob … rob robble apocalypse. lars Hamburg -The LULU. is Mayan doom
MANDEE FRED HUGHES IV!!!
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that we can For 2012, which will be the 20th anniversary of Roctober, I am wishing bizarre, sonically continue to spread the word about unjustly obscure, beautifully Fall music festival, a strange rock n’ soul superheroes of yore, with our 50th issue, a also wish that PORK book of Roctober comix, an art show, and other strangeness. We better than old, maintains the porkitude to last ‘til their 20th (because nothing smells old pork!) -Jake Austen of Roctober
NOBUNNY 2012 ABC WISH LIST: A steady place to live, Batsignal/Bunnysignal, Cheaper drugz, Double it! (everything!), Eat more girls, Form a new band, Genre destruction, Have this rash checked out, Invent a time machine, Jokin & Smokin, Kill from the heart, Love a lot, Move butts, No more banks, Orgasms for the homeless, Punk Aliens, Queen Janelle, Ramones reunion with zombie Joey, Johnny, and Dee Dee, Sex, Truth, Unreal Reality, VHS, Wild Women, Xplode heads, Yippie Radicals, Zap Comix Book collection.
Fred is a six year old Oakland native!, proving that PORK is for the CHILDREN. Watsupper Fred? Fred is a fan of PORK because it’s as juvenile as he is. Is it the Rock&Roll? The Weirdo Art? The Bad Ideas? The girls? The pizza? Well, it’s certainly not the photo of Boyd Rice that caught his eye. At any rate, he looks forward to every issue and saw fit to hang the PORK & Pizza Party banners on his wall.
INTERNETPORK.COM facebook.com/porkmagazine twitter@PORKMAGAZINE firstname.lastname@example.org pobox 12044 Eugene OR 97440 U$A 541*556*5778
I wanna go to the For the new year I wanna win the Mega Millions lottery!! If not that know from the pyramids. Pretty easy. Oh yeah I wanna meet Jimbo this year. You Doors!! Ha -Omar “Apache” Hernandez 2012 makes me think of how Mint Records (where Cub, Neko Case, The Smugglers are all started) will be 21 years old, and in turn brings up thoughts of Vancouver Rock ‘n Roll! In the New Year, I am hoping for success (What is success anyways? To me its a review in PORK!) for Vancouver Bands like Nu Sensae, White Lung, Weed, basically anything on the Deranged and Nominal Record labels. Plus what about a full on Taco Bell in Vancouver? We have been deprived for years of 7-layer action. Those delicious taco-ish treats are perfect to eat while listening to the perfect album for eating, namely, 8-way Santa by TAD! Doot doola doot doo ... doot doo! -Nardwuar the Human Serviette don-ish potential. To all PORK readers: may you have a 2012 that lives up to its Armaged ends meet. Bounty Here’s to the apocalypse of boredom, waiting in lines, and making for all members of the fun generation!! -The Donnas
it sparks a fresh new I want people who have lost their luster to trip on a gold coin and creative side. -Shannon Shaw (Shannon & the Clams)
Mandee is from Atlanta but she lives in NYC now. Yo Mandee! She’s a freelance stylist & shop girl at Scout which specializes in vintage Rock tour t-shirts. She likes getting cocktails with sleazy men & digging up cool thrift stores in the nooks & crannies of Brooklyn & Queens. Mandee hates bad hair days & loves Rock&Roll & says, “You’re an ANIMAL!” One day she hopes to live on a real PIZZA FARM.
putting up with me), DEAR 2012: please bring me enough money to pay my band (for , a copy of the live health & happiness to my loved ones, an actual door for my bedroom tion of wealth IMMACULATE CONSUMPTIVE LP, a European tour, and the redistribu worldwide. -Hether Fortune (Wax Idols)
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SEAN ÄABERG: Der SchweinReich Führer KATIE ÄABERG: PHOTOGRAPHY. $10K IDEAS. MANAGEMENT. CONTRIBUTORS: MAIYA BECKER, ALLISON DITSON, ANDREW GOLDFARB, AMELIA HART, BOBBY MADNESS, JASON McKAY, JAKE RAT, DANIEL SHOUP, THE ILLAGE VIDIOT. MODELS: ALLISON DITSON, AMELIA HART, MIRANDA JENEE, nick soracco, Athena WisotskY, THE PORK ARMY PORK is published quarterly by GOBLINKO. SIX ISSUE SUBSCRIPTIONS ARE AVAILABLE FOR $18 (more for foreigners) PORK #5: 10,000 PRINT RUN SPECIAL THANKS: Nick & Danny Krause, Otto, Henry & Jimmy for being so good, our advertisers & street soldiers! WANNA ADVERTISE? CONTACT SEAN@INTERNETPORK.COM or CALL 541*556*5778 FOR PORK’S REASONABLE RATES!
PORK/GOBLINKO is available as a full-service ad agency & Fink Tank. From video games to TV spots to political strategies. STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD WITH GOBLINKO! ALL CONTENT COPYRIGHT © 2011/2012 GOBLINKO. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 2 OVER TEN. “I like comic books and anything with swastikas on it.” ~Dee Dee Ramone “If nobody’s getting mad, are you really being bad?” -Nelson Muntz
more intention. I want to see everyone step up their game in 2012. I want less laziness, more of it. I want to I want to hear less “I wish I could wear/do/be/have that” and see and longer nails, see girls with bigger hairstyles and brighter lipstick, tighter skirts to learn how to drive everyone rockin’ and rollin’ and getting shit done! I also would like great, duh! Good in 2012 so I can take the BBQ Road Trip I’ve always dreamt of. Looks stuff only! Drink water! -Amelia Hart way more of all of Semi-officially wishing to see and say and make and do way, way, black ribbons, 20s candy, black collars, pierrot florals, baroque 2012: in these things house plants, animal ragdolls, 30s paper party hats, whiskers on kittens, swan boats, s, archery practice, ghosts, tap classes, mushroom hunts, crystal caves, rock collection k soundtracks, boatmimes, neon pink sunsets, taffy hooks, olde tyme photos, boardwal Hockney glasses, er hats, chateaux/gateaux, botanical inks, paint messes, cat magic, tiny succulents, secret ancient woods, wilderness camps, WPA lodges, stinging nettles, preservation, feral cactus and ephemera societies, lindnerisms, walkabouts, historic cakes and candy girl scouts and wayward Persian cats, acorn berets, fox tails, fake rocks -Fawn Gehweiler since I don’t believe 2012 marks a presidential election and the end of the world. But this next planetary in either of those things, here’s what I want to see happen during there’s someone revolution. I wish that everyone would leave the jobs they hate because a portable moonshine out there who would love it. I wish that someone would build me would become the new distillery so I could spend more money on drugs. I wish that sex name of a good time. I religion because if we have to worship something, let it be in the about it instead. wish that people would stop wishing and fucking do something -Rebecca Seung (Get Bent) agan winter solstice Hiya, fellow Pork readers…Hope ya hadda good X-mas/Hanukkah/p ificed goat’s celebration, and found plenty of new toys under your tree/menorah/sacr to be the end of the head(?)! I hope you all have a happy 2012 (even if it does turn out nudge nudge)! world), and spend the new year buying LOTS OF ART (wink wink, -Ben Lyon In 2012, I want a perfect body. -Seth Bogart (HUNX) Happy New Year ya fuggin turkeys! Thanks for nothin. Just remember...Keep on smokin, keep on drinkin, keep on fightin, and keep on eatin Pizza....Lotsa Pizza. See ya on the flipside ya frickin Jabronis!!! xoxo Personal & the Pizzas P.S. Resolutions are for sissys secure places on a In 2012, I want to move my family to Sevastopol. There, I hope to I want to travel to Genoa French cargo boat that takes us to Constantinople. From there, by my sister, Mme and Paris, and then to Geneva. In Geneva, I hope to be taken in pt of Picklesnoot Lowtzky and regain possession of my library and of the manuscri devoted to George Parade. I want to copy the end of the first part, as a separate chapter You People Need Any Soros, and make a few changes and give it the provisional title Do during my lifetime, Money? I do not want to publish Do You People Need Any Money? developed by Dosperhaps because some of its themes were already taken up and less be published toyevsky. I hope the second half of Picklesnoot Parade will neverthe I worry constantly in French and and Russian. It’s a difficult time for me and my family. about the fate of the nation. - Charles Krafft where we met a mystiHappy 2012 from Bare Wires. We spent the winter time in Europe its going to be awesome. cal princess who told us whats going to happen in 2012. Relax, eye and your DNA We were really stoned, but it has something to do with your minds hope it’s cool and that evolving or some shit?? Well, what ever you do this New Year we you have fun doing it. PS Don’t ever change -Matthew Melton THIS GLUTTONOUS LADY WANTS IT ALL IN 2012!!!! A MOUNTAIN OF MOOLA, A FOOT SPA, MY SEXY BOYFRIEND IN SEXY UNDIES, NO MORE DEBT EVER, FREEDOM , UNCONDITIONAL LOOOVVVEEEEEE, MORE COOL RECORDS, LOTSA FOOT MASSAGES, TO LIVE ON A CAT FARM IN OREGON, AND TO BE HAPPY FOREVER!!!! -TINA LUCCHESI May we all bathe in endless bathtubs full of refried beans. May there be an endless stream of rye and bellies full of laughter. Here’s to another year of crispy fried optimism! Baaaahh!!” -Hottub
Gewalttätigen & Zie
by Sean Äaberg
You’re about to witness the strength of sweet knowledge. PEZ Pez understands the concept of candy better than most. Eating candy is one thing, you shouldn’t eat very much of it, it’s not satisfying to eat tons of candy, it’s bad for you & it takes away from the true joy of candy which is that it is novel, colorful, sweet & exciting. It is meant to be enjoyed in small amounts. PEZ emphasizes the ritual of eating candy, you must load up the collectible dispenser & then eat the little candies one by one, by flipping up the dispenser’s head. When you’ve eaten the small amount of candy provided, you put the dispenser up on the shelf with the other dispensers & wait until you see another cool PEZ up for sale!
FAMOUS DAVE’S SIGNATURE SPICY PICKLE CHIPS DAMN! These little pickle chips are perfect! Sweet & spicy, crispy & cheap. I don’t know who Dave is, so who knows about his fame, but I’m telling you, these pickle chips are fantastic & they are also made in the USA. In these winter months when the tomatoes are expensive AND nasty, Katie noted that these little suckers more than make up for their absence on our burgers. While we’re on the subject of pickles I’d like to just let the Universe know that pickle barrels should start showing up in corner stores & people should get really into pickles as the #1 snack food item. You can make them yourself, they have no calories, they are historic, they are pickles, etc.
NOVELTY PATCHES When I was 8 or so my friend’s parents gave me an enormous box full of 70s comics. It was all Archie, Harvey, Dell, Key & Whitman titles with a few war, ghost story & war ghost story comics thrown in. I instantly understood the comics as pop art. The colors, the drawing style, the formulaic stories were all about the aesthetics of comics, not about appeasing what the audience thought it wanted, but instead, expressing what comics were in a ritualistic fashion. I don’t really like reading comics anyhow, so it works for me. The ads were the really amazing part. You could order monkeys, alligators, Sea-Monkeys, banana stamps, Nazi helmets, farts & shits in a can, ventriloquist dummies, armies in a box, stoner t-shirts & novelty patches for pennies on the dollar. In the 80s only metal heads wore patches. I wondered who wore these novelty patches? Oh, weird old coolsters like me.
TOTALLY TOTE BAGS I don’t wear graphic t-shirts so I gotta get my flippant imagery on with tote bags & buttons. Here’s Charlie is by rockworldeast.com. The fries tote is by Lazy Oaf. The “Fuck You! Punker” tote is from slashnburn.com. The Frankenstein tote is by Bold Banana & is a sick green color. Katie got it for me & it’s my favorite tote bag. “RACIST” CANDY Pictured are Spanish “Conguitos” chocolate covered peanuts & Finnish “Lakritsi” black licorice. Some people would say that these are racist, I would say that they are insensitive to a small number of people’s emotional needs. When I was a kid, these kinds of racial caricatures were largely washed out of public sight. When I first saw them I had to be told that they represented black Africans. I used to go to the Ashby flea market every week & it was there via a black gentleman by the name of Professor Curtis that I gained an appreciation for racial caricature. Most of the time I was one out of three white people at the flea market, I bought a bootleg video of “racist cartoons” & Disney’s “The Song of the South” from him. I became hooked on verboten cartoons!
SUPER LEMON TASTE
We used to go to Oakland China Town specifically to get OH! SUPER LEMON candies & Haw flakes & now the Japanese are making SUPER LEMON TASTE soda which is the same SHOCKINGLY INTENSE SOUR TASTE of the candy in a soda! GADZOOKS! SO SOUR YOUR LIPS WILL GET SUCKED DOWN & OUT YOUR BOOTY-HOLE! SCREAM, “SOUR!” THEN COME BACK OUT FOR MORE! I LIKE IT!
Plastic Bertrand is the ultimate in bubblegum Punk. Best known for being the Trojan Horse for hit song, “Ça plane pour moi”, which he is not singing on the recording he is credited with, Plastic Bertrand cut a bunch of manic Pop Punk New Wave records that belong in any weirdo artifice lover’s record collection!!! CONCEPT: Plastic Bertrand cereal fortified with amphetamines!
TROLL ASS ENYAS
I got really into TROLLS when I was 10, until I got really self-conscious that maybe I was playing with dolls. These were tender years when I was transitioning from listening to Novelty Music & Classic Rock to Thrash Metal & Gangster Rap. Part of the “crazy color hair stuck on ugly critter” CRAZE of the 60s, Trolls have redeemed themselves in my mental picture of the universe & I’m collecting them again. Some are great, a lot of the 80s & 90s ones are lame.
Caltrops are little jack-like objects that are designed to always land “point up” when thrown. The points then become an obstacle for who or whatever is after you on the ground. These can go into people’s feet or pop the tires of cars. Some caltrops are made out of tubular wire so that self-sealing tires cannot seal when they are punctured by the caltrop which then becomes a shunt.
THE ROYAL GUARDSMEN
Snoopy began his rivalry with the Red Baron in 1966 in the Peanuts comic strip. In the guise of a WWI flying ace, Snoopy imagined his dog house as a Sopwith Camel type airplane & would engage in death defying battles with the Red Baron for supremacy of the air. Like the other adults in the Peanuts series, the Red Baron was never shown, only leaving Snoopy’s dog house riddled with bullet holes.
Just weeks after Snoopy began battling the Red Baron in the pages of American newspapers, the Royal Guardsmen cut the single, “Snoopy VS. The Red Baron” & were promptly sued by United Features Syndicate. Shulz won all royalties from the tune & the Guardsmen continued to cut Snoopy songs.
RED BARON MUSIC BOX
I am still kicking myself for passing this one up at the flea market. Made by Schmid Co. in 1968, this more than awesome wood music box plays “Auf Wiedersehn” as the propeller spins. There is a matching Snoopy music box.
THE RED BARON
Manfred von Richthofen, the Red Baron, is the Ace of Aces, credited with 80 downed planes in WWI. He was one of the “Knights of the Air” when being a fighter pilot was likened to being a knight during medieval times. He is famous for his bright red Fokker Dr.I tri-plane emblazoned with enormous black Iron Crosses. Richtofen was gunned down at 25 as he was dog-fighting Canadians. His last words were reported to be “kaputt.” The Red Baron returned in the 1960s as part of a ATARI GAME craze prompted by his rivalry with the beagle Merchandising is going Snoopy in Charles Schulz’s “PEANUTS”. to happen when PEAFrom there the Red Baron went on to conquer NUTS are involved. everything, from hot-rods to pizza.
From 1974, I have this on my denim. It used to be on my red cruiser.
BARON VON REDBERRY
I see something like this & I feel like we’re getting gypped. This was a normal kid’s cereal in 1972, 40 years into the future the most radical you can RED BARON HOT ROD get in the cereal aisle is The Red Baron hot rod was initially Froot Loops. Baron Von a model designed by Tom Daniel for Redberry tasted like fruit Monogram. A real roadster based on punch & he even had a this coolest of designs was built by rival cereal, “Sir GrapeChuck Miller & the car won the Oakfellow”. Redberry would land Roadster Sweepstakes in 1968. exclaim, “Achtung! I’m der Two more actual Red Barons were berry goodest!” built by Jay Orburg since then.
ER TIM G E! R U ! B by Sean Äaberg
Burgerdier General Part of the Food Fighters series of toys from 1988-1989 by Mattel, Burgerdier General is the leader of the Kitchen Commandos who fight the Refrigerator Rejects who are led by the Mean Weener, a hot dog. These toys were pretty rad & absurd. I had “Private Pizza”. I remember that they came with guns that were originally packaged with GI JOE figures but in weird colors. BURGER RINGS Introduced in 1974, this Australian snack combines the corn-puff ring of a Funyun with the essentialized essence of burger. I had a case of these smuggled from the land of mullet-rock & spent an afternoon carefully tasting packet after packet. Burger Rings taste like Funyuns, but with a strong, meaty over-current. They are conceptually cool, a puffy ring of burger flavor!
SEAN: Hunx! What a great new record (HAIRDRESSER BLUES due out Frebruary 28th on Hardly Art)! It took me a second to switch gears & expectations but I painted a new picture in my mind about this record, which reminds me of “bedsit rock”, the rainy day jangly guitar pop made by England in the 80s & 90s. But, despite this being a “solo” Hunx record, It’s not that wildly different than what you’ve been doing. HUNX: Yah I dunno, I love English bands, they make the best faggy pop. I don’t think this record is very different either, but it’s definitely not Young Oldies or girl-group. Fuck, I hate press releases cuz then every music critic basically just re-writes them but worse and ask you the exact same questions. I wrote that our band “might be the first ever girl group fronted by a gay man” and then blah blah blah girl groups this girl groups that. I actually lied and told every reporter who asked that the film Sister Act got me into girl group music. It was actually my father’s faggoty taste that was to blame. Well, if you count The Pointer Sisters as a girl group.
GUMMI BURGERS The world of gummi burgers has been taken over by those Spongebob Krabby Patties which taste & look exactly like the original gummi burgers by E Frutti, which is because E Frutti makes them also. E Frutti makes all kinds of crazy gummi candies like gummi pizza, gummi hot-dogs, gummi octopi & gummi “Mother of Pearl” which are gummy clam shells with gummi pearls inside! WOW!
HUNX: That would be the best movie! I haven’t talked about hamburgers in like I don’t know 8 years? SEAN: I was reading that because of people throwing songs at you & your first two records being collaborations this solo record is a way to show people that you can do it all! BUT, for anyone who has known you for a while or followed your work, they knew that already! HUNX: Honestly I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone. I was just making creepy little pop demos in my cave and didn’t wanna bother the girls in my band with them. Also it was just fun to do my own stuff. I always turn into the organizer in all the bands I’m in so it was nice to not have to arrange anything. SEAN: You talked about writing some of the songs in some kind of sleeping trance-like state! That’s amazing! I need to figure out how to work in my sleep.
BURGER & FRIES T-SHIRT This t-shirt is pretty out of control. I guess it’s being sold at Wal-Mart because I saw it posted on some snarky blogs talking shit about Wal-Mart shoppers & burgers & whatever man. I don’t like Wal-Mart either, because it somehow mixes trashy & sterile which is a losing combination in my book. Although it describes America today quite well: Trashy & Sterile.
HUNX: They were really sad songs about people dying. SEAN: Have you done anything new with your art since we last talked? HUNX: I was on tour forever and then accidentally homeless, then living on a farm in LA in the world’s tiniest bedroom. So my creativity zone hasn’t been exactly ideal. SEAN: Describe your ideal “creativity zone”. HUNX: That’s between me and it. SEAN: When will Hollywood Nails be debuting?
BURGER TIMER It’s always burger time so what’s this burger timer really about? Who uses a timer to cook a burger at home? Only nerds. This burger must be for timing other things, like mebbe timing how long it takes to eat a burger? Or counting down the minutes until it’s time to take the tater-tots out of the oven? Or doing a burger themed New Year’s countdown? I think that’s it. BURGER YO-YO There was a brief yo-yo trend in the early 90s. I don’t think there’s been one since because kids today are so busy VR cyber texting with their autism & ADD that figuring out how to do a yo-yo is probably beyond their ken. If you’re going to spend time hanging around with something in your hands though, a burger yo-yo (or cigarette) is gonna look cooler than focusing on your texter like an emo turd.
SEAN: I’m picturing a heart-breaking movie with Whoopie Goldberg raising you in an orphanage. This record is definitely less campy than the other two, or pretty much any other project you’ve done in the past, I don’t think there’s a single burger reference in it.
HUNX: SOOON..... SEAN: I’m still looking forward to the H.U.N.X. record(s)! HUNX: I’ve been looking forward to that one too. I’ve also started a band with Jess from Brilliant Colors & Eric who runs Make a Mess Records. It’s called Petals. Hether from Wax Idols & I have also been talking about doing something together. I did kick her out of Hunx and His Punx like a million years ago but I like her pop sensibility and the fact that she talks a bunch of shit. I’m so fucking sick of all these shitty bands and hangers-on who don’t wanna offend anyone and constantly try to meet all the right people. It’s a fucking sad bullshit time in music. Who fucking cares? Everything is generic and stupid. I miss people like Courtney Love & Kathleen Hanna & even like Axl Rose and definitely Jay Reatard. SEAN: Based on the first single I thought that maybe Hether was co-writer on this record! But then I read the press release. That’s awesome. I think it’s a great time for music, but everything that needs to be popular isn’t popular yet. Everyone in PORK is a star & I want them all to say & do outrageous things! HUNX: The first song has sorta a Wax Idols vibe but the rest is not so much like that. I don’t know what it sounds like. SEAN: I can imagine a record of “Seth Bogart” torch songs. Maybe when you’re 40. HUNX: I’ll be doing the same shit when I’m 40 that I was doing at 16, so you can count on it. SEAN: Fantastic. You described yourself as an entertainer, I’d love to see a Seth Bogart/ Hunx morning show or evening show or all night evening show that turns into a really sloppy morning show. Who are some of your ideal guests for ALL NITE WITH SETH BOGART? hUNX: Kathleen Hanna, Courtney Love, Britney Spears, Danny Devito, Roseanne Barr, Ke$ha. SEAN: It’s raining out, you are stuck in your room, what is your ideal take-out & entertainment combo? SETH: Strangers with Candy TV show + Filet Mignon... (awkward silence)
He’s a street-walking cheetah with a pocket full of crayons! He’s a Canadian Weirdo Artist who relocated to San Francisco to enjoy the American Dream by California Dreaming. I like Donny because he comes from the same roots as I do. He used to do a Punk zine called “Dirty”, which gave him his nick-name. He obsessed over weird campy shows like the Hilarious House of Frightenstein & other pop culture trash. He’s obsessed with vans & denim. SEAN: You’ve risen to the top of the quivering, pulsating heap of Weirdo Artists, how did you come across this insanity as a kid & how has it grown with you into adulthood? DONNY: Top of the heap! Ha ha. Thanks. Leo’s Hobby & Barber shop in the west end of Ottawa Canada, I used to frequent that place. You could get your haircut and buy a model kit! I would scoop up as many Roth, Weirdo and Polar lights model kits as I could, and get my hair cut! I still love the box art from those kits! As a kid growing up in Ottawa I collected comics, watched TV and built weird Frankenstein bikes. You know, mixing and matching from different bikes I had found in the garbage. When I wasn’t drawing I was listening to music or getting into trouble. In my early teens I got into skating and that led to Punk rock. I was a shit disturber, this one time I got kicked out of the mall. I was fishing for quarters with a horseshoe magnet i stole from school. All I wanted was a hamburger, haha. I also played in a pile of shitty bands and later did my own fanzine, “Dirty”. That was a blast and it was well received, but after a few issues the art took over. I had a good circle of friends that I drew with. We would try to out do each other with weird ideas. My buddy Trev was the best. He drew like a little kid but did the most fucked up comics. Earwig talk, Friendly Giant Glass Tiger and Sluts where a few of his titles, haha. So I was doing my fanzine but getting more art jobs and that’s what I really wanted to do, so I just stopped doing the magazine and went freelance full-time.
HOT DAMN! LOOK AT THIS THING! BEATNIKS is a Kustom one of a kind pinball game commissioned by James Hetfield as a tribute to his car club “the Beatniks” by Dirty Donny, Wade Krause & Tanio Klyce. Features tunes by the Knuckle Dragger, the Demonics, the Dynotones & the Ghastly Ones. Dirty Donny has also done Hellacopters & Metallica kustom pinball games.
SEAN: You’ve become Metallica’s artist, maybe filling Pushead’s shoes. How is it working with Metallica AFTER they became the biggest band in the world? DONNY: Mostly I have worked for them individually. I’ve done a few things for the band, guitar picks, T shirts and the custom pinball machine but mostly it has been work for the members on a personal level. As a freelance artist, having Metallica as a client is amazing, it has opened many doors for me over the last decade. I think the highlight for me was making their custom pinball machine. I got to pick the music and Hetfield did some voiceover samples, we really went off on that thing. You can see it on youtube as well as other weird art stuff I did for them. SEAN: You’re a Canadian, do the elements of Weirdo Art & Kustom Kulture thrive in the Great White North? You’re now in San Francisco, how does this compare?
DONNY: Barely. I moved to Montreal for 5 years back in the 90’s, because the rent was so cheap and I could get down to business. For me, personally there was only so much I could do in Canada. I was visiting San Francisco quite a bit. Printings posters and taking commissions. That’s when I got hired by Metallica to do murals at their rehearsal space. I basically never left. Moving to San Francisco was the right thing to do. Part of the reason I’m able to do what I do is because I moved to California. It is a lot easier to get inspired when you are smack dab in the middle of it all. Plus, fuck the snow bro! I still miss Ottawa sometimes, it has a great music scene and the people are great but California is my home and the burritos far surpass the ones from Canada. No poutine though. I visit quite a bit and still have lots of friends there. I just finished a cartoon video for my old friend Luke Marin’s band the White Wires.Dirty Donny has a solo show at Copro Nason Gallery in Santa Monica, Feb. 25th. I also dig his blog! dirtydonnyart.blogspot.com
The first time I met Andy “Human” Jordan, my little brother Danny James dragged him along with my teenage Punk band “The Masked Men” to go hang out with the pre-Donnas “Ragady Anne” in Palo Alto. He was high-energy & kinda nerdy with glasses & curly hair. The next time I saw him was on the bus & he had gotten the Punk fashion bug. Later on he joined the Cuts & they went on tour with the Donnas. Danny James joined the Cuts shortly after. We’re both in the crew 2/10, we both worked for the Oakland Library, I used to buy tapes from his dad’s record store before I knew who they were. Since then he’s gone on to form Buzzer, the Time Flies, LENZ & Andy Human & make consistently good, cool music. SEAN: A long time ago, you were poised to be the singer for my crashing & burning band The Masked Men, with Danny James playing bass. You jumped up on stage to close out the Masked Men’s “last show” to do “If The Kids Are United” by Sham 69, which would have been a great transition if the band was to continue, but it wasn’t. You then joined up with Chuck & the Cuts after if I remember correctly, passing out in his shower & bonding over a common love of the Pagans. This was during all that Fin De Siecle stuff going on which really had an effect on me, I was determined to not let the 90s close & the 2000s open with me doing the same old thing. ANDY: Remember when I attempted to have The Masked Men play that SF warehouse show in the late 90’s? We ended up getting drunk (cider) outside and Dan started asking people if they were ‘emus’ because we didn’t know what emo was. We had mohawks and spiked jackets and they had Morrissey haircuts and high water pants. We didn’t end up playing for those people but we did do a soundcheck for some reason. Later I met Chuck (Carlos now, and don’t you forget it!) and did indeed pass out in his shower. The next day he played me all kinds of stolen records while we ate some stolen filet mignon. I remember hearing The Pagans, The Real Kids and DMZ, to name but a few, for the very first time. I was into seventies British punk and New York stuff mainly. So all that stuff combined made up The Cuts’ world. In the beginning. SEAN: Ha ha, I remember one of the guys there apologizing to me for pussing out in his fashion & making all these excuses for why he was an emo now. I think he wrote for MRR? He did have cool penny-loafer type shoes though. So, I mean, Filet Mignon & cool records, what’re you gonna do? The choice was obvious. But a lot of people were confused by the Cuts because you guys went beyond just the trappings of 70s Rock & Roll and were writing real songs. I think this is important in understanding what you do because you could just be one of these aesthetic rehashers & doing all of the right sounds & fashion & moves & everything, but you go beyond that & use that vehicle for your own song-writing. ANDY: Confused. Vexed. Baffled. Or downright pissed-off! The Cuts were indeed misunderstood by most who had the good fortune to see us in our prime. Remember, for the first 4 or 5 years of The Cuts existence, there was no ‘garage revival’ or ‘rock’ scene at all. That is to say, here in the Bay there were still a few older SF folks doing sixties influenced music, but otherwise it was a wasteland of shit we didn’t understand, like emo and pop-punk. We were really only listening to older records, for better or worse. And just writing songs and learning to play in a band. Always the hard way, because we were insular, underage and arrogant. Also we never learned how to self-promote in the established way. We only gained notoriety for our deeds, of which the negative aspects were invariably exaggerated. SEAN: Are you still working at the library? How does working at the library effect you? Most people don’t know that most of the Cuts & 2/10 people have worked at the Oakland Public Library at one point or another. Gene Simmons said, “I wanted to be in a band that gave bang for the buck. I wanted to be in the band who didn’t look like a bunch of guys who, you know, should be in a library studying for their finals.”, which I read while “working” in the library which made me quit the library.
ANDY: I would never take advice from Gene Simmons. That seems like a huge mistake. We certainly didn’t look like we worked at the library, nor can I ever recall studying for any finals! Me and Carlos both work there still. I’d love to say that my job is a creative influence or something but it’s really become just a way to get by, like most jobs. I’d rather work at the library than most places, but can anyone really say they like their ‘job’? Working is great, jobs suck. ‘Duty’ sucks. SEAN: I wrote Gene Simmons a fan letter when I was five talking shit that my tongue was longer than his (truth). So, who in the world of rock’s advice would you take then? ANDY: Kim Fowley always has something to say. I like what Dave Thomas from Pere Ubu has said over the years regarding rock music. He seems like an asshole I’d like to know. I’m sure he’d piss off many PORK readers! SEAN: I think for BUZZER & THE TIME FLIES, “Reagan Youth” was listed as a key influence. Their two records were among the first twenty Punk records I bought & really clicked for me in terms of a certain tone for Punk, which was also there in the movie Suburbia. Of course, I was getting into this after the fact & constructing what I thought Punk was supposed to be using media objects. This is more of an artist’s approach to the subculture & I’ve noticed the same thing with you, in terms of research, studying, assembling & then presenting a final product based on all of this preparation. ANDY: Reagan Youth had a great first album and I love Suburbia. So here we have Penelope Spheeris’ B-movie but nevertheless ‘Hollywood’ approach to Punk vs. WHAT IT WAS REALLY LIKE (MAN!) ‘Street Punks’ who run away from lower-middle class families and squat and spange in Berkeley vs. ‘House Punks’ who stay at home with their moms and read old issues of Flipside and MRR. Bomp. Creem. (It’s ALL spectacle, baby!) Whatever, it’s all on the internet now. Which seems to make pop/media culture even more disposable. I’ve always been obsessive about the things I love. Reading about my obsessions is natural. As far as ‘art’ is concerned, everyone has a different method. Artists are a necessary part of any real subculture. I listen to older music, mostly, but I can’t tell what influences me anymore. I used to try and come up with really intricate arrangements and chord progressions to avoid recycling riffs but nowadays I try not to analyze it so much and let songs grow themselves. Simple patterns. I think spontaneity is important in writing pop or rock music. Repetition, also. Repetition. Also. SEAN: Speaking of art, you were kind of initiated into the world of underground comics by Spain Rodriguez right? Spain published the first underground comix paper “Zodiac Mindwarp” which would in turn inspire sleaze rocker Zodiac Mindwarp. ANDY: I don’t know Zodiac Mindwarp but Spain taught a cartooning class at the Mission Cultural Center in the late-80’s/early 90’s that I went to. My dad knows him through mutual friends and that gave him a chance to further acquaint himself and expose me to a great teacher and influence. Later, I took private lessons at Spain’s house. I still read and love comics (and comix!), but haven’t created one for some time. SEAN: With Andy Human & LENZ you’re moving into this world that Glam bands like Japan & Ultravox entered in the late 70s when they invented New Romantic music. I always felt like there was a lot of room in that music because you’ve got prog experimentalism, disco, funk, punk, glam which embodies both fifties & sixties rock & pop in general, so you can pretty much do anything & you can have the swagger of David Johansen or Bowie as the Thin White Duke, you can still have a cool guitarist like Thunders playing these kinds of songs. It’s also both nostalgic & futuristic at the same time, romantic & realistic. Your Red Plastic album embodies all of this as well. ANDY: I think I disagree here. Don’t get me wrong, I love glam, but while the music I have released lately does have a nod to Ultravox or Japan, I think that is due to my instinct for writing succinct pop songs, regardless of process or self-consciousness in style. However, I feel that those two bands in particular embody a limited concept, precisely because they pay such homage to their heroes. During a period when so many bands were experimenting so boldly, in the UK, America, Europe, etc... with influences that include Reggae, Dance and Avant-Garde 20th Century music, listening to Japan and Uvox can leave one a bit cold. That said, I have a fondness for a good many songs by each band, and do not mind being compared to either. If my album is romantic, realistic, nostalgic AND futuristic, that’s good enough for me! It’s a continual process and LENZ or Andy Human may sound quite different soon. Or exactly the same. I’m more interested in the journey than the arrival. If I arrive anywhere it will be by accident!
Danny James is the youngest of the Oakland Äaberg brothers (I am the oldest), he was previously in The Cuts & has released an incredible solo record on Burger Records called Danny James & Pear. We exchanged words in Oakland’s Chinatown at 3am outside of our old favorite restaurant “Xìngyùn Fàngpì Lian Ya”. We had leftover boxes of “Mongolian Knee” & “Happy Five Nuts”. The streets breathed the Chinatown smells of rancid grease & laundry steam & the weird birds from Lake Merritt lurked in the shadows, waiting to eat the crayfish that come out of the sewers at night. SEAN: When GOBLINKO’s magazine GO! ceased publication I wanted to do a magazine called APPLE. Everyone said it was too APPLE-Y & I didn’t understand, but I agreed that maybe APPLE had already been thoroughly brand identified. So we went with ORANGE, which is the color of 1974, Clockwork, Tang & soda. Tell me about Danny James & PEAR & what you’re doing here. DANNY: The side of the LP without the playing cards and the last supper is an obvious riff on the old Beatles’ Apple Corps design; it IS an apple green, on a black field, and when you pull on the stem it extends into a full bodied pear, thanks in part to the ingenuity of Ivar at the Key Printing and Binding, another bunch of Two Over Tenners. Me and him went over a half dozen ways to turn an apple into a pear. PEAR is just another way we’re preserving the old ways, the apple to pear mechanism a continuation of the legacy of arts and crafts. The name PEAR evolved out of Yoko Ono’s art exhibitions in the sixties, from her installation of just a simple apple, to her book, Grapefruit, which later Lennon took and gave to another great band. PEAR was originally just me and General Luau on rhythm guitar, calling ourselves Working World, tongue in cheek, (it was gonna be a one-off Beach Boys inspired Bubblegum group), but after brother Michael “Tiger” Louis came into the fold, the whole concept sailed off into a crazy glam fusion dimension, with us struggling to catch up. PEAR might be the album, PEAR might be the band, but any way you look at it, PEAR sounds like PEAR, to paraphrase Gertrude Stein... no pear intended. SEAN: You’re in the low-fi Rock & Roll scene, but this record is a big pop record, it’s reminding me of a strange child of Pink Floyd & ELO & funk rock acts like Funkadelic & the Isley Brothers. This record needs to make its way into the right hands. I can see the English eating this thing up. DANNY: You can? How savage. Well, maybe with some clotted cream, hot buttered rum battered flapjacks, Baked Alaska, diet soda and Supper on a Slice. Here to meetcha! Some journalist misquoted me a year ago in my answer to what we sounded like; she said: “Larry Graham and Queen on the floor with the Raspberries.” I always liked that. Never liked anything intentionally art-damaged. Either you were a Punk and it came naturally, or you’re a poseur. Fair enough? Hi! How are you? SEAN: Quite well, thanks. So if this record is about your wife Lacey then what will the next record be about? DANNY: This: . It’s a sigil representing sigils. So, naturally, the album will be called “Danny James and Pear presents Sigil and the Once and Future Band”. The songs, too, will fall in line. In case you can’t tell, I am the son of Herne the Hunter; I let him pick the subjects of my songs. Half the lyrics for PEAR were written before I had met my wife, but they’re all about her anyway. I haven’t met the subject of the new record, yet. Maybe they’re about Lacey, too. Dear Herne, as we speak I have another blacked-out girl in my living room. Herne save me! SEAN: It says on this press release that we’re brothers. “Danny James & Pear” was produced by our brother Mike “Tiger”. Mom must be proud! DANNY: Yeah, well my first two names ARE Daniel and James, and you would lop the end off your name too if there was a successful weirdo artist and magazine editor out there named Sean Aaberg. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with nepotism, either. In my life, often times, its the only way to get anything done. It’s no different than working
with your friends. Besides, we have such high standards that when one of us is missing the plot a little we simply give him some space to get it together until that brother or sister or rival catches up. A competitive atmosphere helps us advance. This doesn’t mean that the village idiot (you know who you are) isn’t the best drinking buddy. Everybody plays the runt at one point or another, can’t be bitter. SEAN: You can’t help who you are, & indeed, this is the sort of nepotism that comes with beatings. Let’s talk about high standards, we all have heavily involved codes & rule-books & orders swirling around our noggins, America is a land in decline, I’ve always thought that we are the solution to this, it feels fated. DANNY: Why else would you have three beautiful kids? So, you’re twelve years old, and you finally find some other friends with divorced parents and mohawks. I found seven or eight of them in Junior High, punks, skins, even rude boys. You play music, stud your jackets, and see who can draw the best mouse on the wall. If you lose, according to your friends, you can’t draw, so you hate them. But you get better. And this continues for years and years, but more collaboratively; my friends, who later became the Cuts, Crazy Time Video, Thiefs Crew, Comic Island, the Key, Oldies Night and finally the Two Over Ten Preservation Society all made me who I am today. Our moral compasses might be a little screwy at times, but we’re all searching for the Holy Grail of Altruism. And as for you pencil necked geeks rapidly inheriting the earth, it’s simple mathematics, do your best; if you shout health benefits into the ether, health benefits are gonna bounce around and eventually download onto your vintage copy of Leisure Suit Larry, and vastly improve your chances of Vulcan domination. I don’t have to make sense with a question like that. SEAN: It has been what, six years since the Cuts broke up? How has it changed in terms of what you were trying to express in the Cuts compared to what you’re doing with the new record? DANNY: I quit the Cuts because I wanted to take things further, keep pushing myself. That’s the kind of band I thought we were, and if you listen to the records, it’s true; we covered a lot of ground, wrote some really weird, catchy songs. But then something happened that happens to a lot of bands six or seven years in: total chaos. I mean, if I hadn’t got off that bus I would’ve killed myself: drugs, drugs, drugs. But if your band was really good, you won’t stop hearing about it for six years, ahem, and so here we are, together again, playing Chuck’s beautiful wedding and New Year’s Eve. And it’s nice, it’s easy. But I need a band where when I say “seven-part harmony here!” they say “sounds good, asshole, sir!” and I say “that’s what I would like a lady.” And that’s what I’ve got! SEAN: Leaving the vermin-filled nest as it were, I agree with that. I think that for bands to survive all that craziness that happens six or seven years in, they do something silly like go to America & record the Joshua Tree. DANNY: We already went to El Paso and recorded the Asarco Tower [“Paradise”, 2 Over Ten, The Cuts]. When they emptied the waste from that chemical plant, it would flow down the hillside as bright and red as magma, until it hardened into slag. Then we’d run around the metal catwalks in the middle of a thunder storm. Am I bugging you? Didn’t mean to BUG ya. SEAN: We talked previously about the impact Amy Winehouse’s death had on both of us, I could easily see you & Michael writing, arranging & producing records for her if she was still alive. Have you noticed any vocalists with that level of character out there? DANNY: Okay, we tried that. Papa Aaberg was asked to produce this poor little sixteen-year-old Montanan girl, but he pawned her off onto his sons, Michael and I, and we basically gave her a complete overhaul and tried our damnedest to create something decent. I gave her some Marianne Faithful and Francoise Hardy records ‘cause she spoke French; smart right? But everyday she would come into the studio and say things, like when we were crossing the Bay Bridge: “Isn’t this the second biggest target for the terrorist
in the U.S.A?” “Why, yes. Yes it is.” And she wore these little skirts, and as the music got worse and worse, Mike and I both started smelling shit. At one point, I did something completely unethical: we couldn’t get a good vocal on this song about scrambled eggs in the morning, or something equally horrifying, so we used a program called Beat Detective, which is only supposed to be used to sync drums and rhythms, and I sang the vocal, which made something in my brain snap, and then we synced her voice to mine! It felt like I was teaching an android how to cry. And all the time her skirts were getting shorter, the music was getting worse, and the shit was getting stronger. On the last day I had to go into the bathroom, turn the light out and lay on the floor just to avoid the smell of shit. No regrets. SEAN: Did you at least sell her to an old Chinaman in San Francisco? DANNY: I tried, but, to be fair, she was just awful. Do any of the Porkettes sing? They have short skirts right?
SEAN: Certain kinds of people from Oakland & thereabouts, let’s call them “neighbors”, make up all sorts of crazy slang. There’s always been weird slang coming out of the 2/10. Tell the readers about Gurpers, Skurchers, Danglers, Tweezers & Shapsters. DANNY: I didn’t raise you to use that word! I’m the original Gurper, Gurper Dan! With every PEAR LP we’ve included a few collectible Gurper cards, illustrated by, er, you! A Gurper is somebody lacking social skills, who acts inappropriately in any and all situations and is in a very uncool way in general, man. Its origins lie in the 1988 Role Playing Game, Generic Universal Roleplaying System. Say no more. Skurchers make onomatopoeic sounds with their sneakers in parking lots or back alleys at 3 AM. They may be casing your house as part of a schizophrenic, underground COINTELPRO, they may be selling roxys out of Montclair, but they’re absolutely none of your business. A Dangler is anyone from Berkeley in the music scene who’s too worthless to be a groupie or a roadie. They can be found in free-style cyphers, telling you not to use the word “bitch”. Tweezers are sidler crabs, clipping the tines from Captain Fender Roques, while Shapsters are pre-pubescent hip-hop producers and rappers trying to up each other with the brattiest beats imaginable, often just one note played in alternating octaves. And finally, a Rick is a tagger and a leader of Danglers, often the stepson of someone extremely hairy and pear-shaped and running for public office. Rick will stare through you and break your knee-caps while laughing by way of farting, and he never, ever lets his friends get cold. Collect ‘em all!
SEAN: They better not sing or they’re gonna end up in the Willamette river wearing concrete socks! Oh, you mean, sing, well, Miranda plays in The Blimp. We’re part of this thing called 2 over Ten, which is also the Cuts’ second record. What is 2 over Ten? DANNY: You know very well what the Two Over Ten Preservation Society is. Just like that classic Kinks song: “Preserving the old ways from being abused/Protecting the new ways for me and for you/What more can we do?” But, these days especially, we’ve got to protect ourselves from the Secret Skurchers who have been very busy sabotaging the Occupy Movement and
have been destroying Oakland for over fifty years, since before the Panthers, so I can’t divulge all of our activities, just the preservation of beautiful things that the bureaucratic streamlining of our culture is destroying. I can, however, throw you some Jungian hints and red herrings, okay? Where do you put your hands on the steering wheel? Two o’clock over Ten o’clock. Moving on, if you reduce the incorrect fraction “two tenths”, you get one fifth, which is my drug of choice. Going the other direction, 2/10 is equal to 4/20, Hitler’s Birthday, so maybe that’s got something to do with it. I’m talking to you, Portland, Oregon. But Two Over Ten most definitely never, ever has anything to do with marijuana, at least when you’re talking to me. Even more cryptically, if you look at the cover of the vinyl, it has two playing cards in the foreground over a table scene with ten different Black-Bean Activists. It’s hobo slang. Look it up. SEAN: Two Hands, Ten Fingers. One Ring, Three Singers. Nine Riders. Thirteen Finders. You should record a Lord of the Rings themed record like Bo Hansson (RIP)!
DANNY: Those punks I talked about turned into artists, and when I was living with them near the Oakland Rose Garden, listening to Bo Hansson, I came up with PEAR. Andy Human and Ben Brown would bring their lead miniatures over and paint them by the fire, while my friend Ellen and I would do things and make paintings. It was quite the cozy. I also remember reading the Lord of the Rings aloud to the Cuts when there weren’t any groupies and we slept together. My keyboard player, Joel Robinow [Drunk Horse, Howling Rain], and I wrote a great Oxfordshire folk song for the next record called King of all the Dead.
SEAN: You used to do this great sketch comedy show “It’s Crazy Time!” with Doug Freedman, are we ever going to get that on DVD or online or? DANNY: I still make Crazytime sketches, but Doug took his camera to LA, and Owen took his camera to New York. In fact, I recently made one of the craziest sketches in a long time, with Chris Lux, Zoe Gholson and Owen Cook, where I’m a failed businessman, and Chris is a German Nazi ex-patriate giving me advice at an outdoor cafe. I won’t spoil it, but it ends with us worshiping a talking deer skull over several hundreds of years, with the grass growing around us. It is our masterpiece. Not really. A lot more ambitious projects are in the works, feature length stuff, like an adaption of The Golden Bough by Sir James George Frazer I’m working on with my wife Lacey, and some original sci-fi screenplays with Ivar. They’ll all have that special incompetent Crazytime touch. And of course, three PEAR music videos will be online soon, for Tightlipped, Boomerang Kids and the third song’s a secret, ‘cause I haven’t decided yet. If you wanna see It’s Crazytime online, call Doug at (510) 484-3370. SEAN: Cool, I’ll call him right now. Do you need a ride home?
DANNY: I gotta go to mom’s to do laundry.
GURPERS © 2011-2012 SEAN & DANIEL ÄABERG
MEGA MIX - PORK REVIEW SECTION
AGAINST THE GRAIN RADIO I listen to a lot of talk radio while I’m working & it’s hard to find shows that are intelligent enough for me to check out. I’ve been listening to Against the Grain for a long time & have found it to be a great resource for seeing how actual leftist thinking is developing & what the current trajectories & trends are within that political stripe. As I keep emphasizing, I don’t have a political stripe. I see political systems as tools for specific jobs, but not of any inherent value or “rightness” unto themselves That said, I try to keep abreast of all the different types of political tools available because not only are they interesting, but they could very well be useful in the future! Against the Grain runs the leftist anarchist gamut, with a bit of Marx sneaking in from time to time. There’s an archive of it on againstthegrain.org -SÄ
Hey! The Mega Mix is PORK’s review section. PORK only reviews stuff I like, because who needs bad reviews?! Not you. Not me. That said, I’m always looking for cool shit to tell people about, that’s a big part of why this magazine exists! If I like it, I’ll review it & put it in the Mix or in the Street & Sweet section if it fits. If there are bands, artists, books, clothing, people of note, youtubes or WHATEVER that we need to know about, let us know!
POBOX 12044 EUGENE OR 97440 U$A email@example.com tweet @porkmagazine TOXIC VISION Take all of those broads from 80s Heavy Metal videos & Heavy Metal magazine covers & then condense all of those elements into a fashion line & you’ve got Toxic Vision! Totally perverted Heavy Metal sex nymphette gear.The motorcycle style jackets have an awesome cut & her placement of studs & spikes is very correct, unlike a lot of people studding their gear who aren’t initiated into the Rock&Roll mysteries. There are correct places to put studs! Did you know that? Now you do. Anyhow, Toxic Vision also does these metal t-shirt onesie things, bustiers, supertight leather pants & all sorts of other stuff. The models need to have weapons in the photo shoots. Katanas & Uzis for sure, also dangerous animals like wolves, bats, vultures, rats, electric eels & knives. etsy.com/shop/toxicvision. -SÄ
WEIRDO ARTIST - WARE SCULPT Ware is a fantastic sculptor out of Japan. His bread & butter seems to be these cool little Weirdo key-chain charms which he knocks out for himself & also for all manner of other clients. His caricatures are fantastic & his reference points impeccable. I’m trying to figure out how the Japanese are making cooler Weirdo references than Americans & I’m just chalking it up to a consistent ability for the Japanese to understand aesthetics. The true Weirdo Artist has a set of traditional reference points, but because they are also wild, bohemian, experimental artists, they bring their own cool flavors to the old standards. The Japanese are doing this in amazing ways. They make connections you don’t see in American Weirdo Art & cool Japanese forms appear also. I dig it. waredeath.exblog.jp -SÄ VICTORIAN HOUSES When I’m around Victorians, I sometimes wonder why people built any other kinds of houses. What we call Victorians in the USA are actually a hodge podge of architectural styles full of Gothic flavor. The Bay Area is full of these mammer jammers & they are full of character & class, no matter WHAT kind of neighborhood they’re in. Oakland’s poorest neighborhood “West Oakland” is FULL of Victorians & they lend a dignity & history to the area that speaks to its potential. The Victorian style looks fantastic even if the houses are crammed together mass housing for the working class or enormous mansions for the moneyed types. Victorians lend themselves to awesome flourishes like wrap-around porches, tall ceilings & my personal favorite: TOWERS. ONE DAY WE WILL HAVE A HOUSE WITH TOWERS. -SÄ
WEIRDO ARTIST - MERKLEY??? Merkley came onto my radar because someone posted a picture he took of Brandi Bytheway of Hunx entourage/Hollywood Nails fame & I was kinda blown away by this photo so I started snooping around on his flickr & came across his amazing series of photographs. Merkley??? shoots mostly naked ladies in fantastic staged photos with really interesting details. They feel like neon 80s skin mags & Italian commercials mixed with Jodorowsky & John Waters movies. If HALF the nudie photography out there was this interesting & smart, all the little boys & girls looking for pictures of titties to look at would gain mental fortitude & character, as their birthday suited broads would be Trojan Horses carrying secret codexes of important knowledge. For the New Year I demand all erotica to be fortified with additional information! -SÄ THE DISCONNECTS - ARE HEALTHY The Disconnects are a Punk Rock&Roll outfit out of New Jersey. They do that 70s American Punk worship that I dig. They have an intensity & tightness that is kinda unusual for this kind of music which is normally played by guys who are nodding off & it’s great. Came on a red tape from Baldy Longhair records. -SÄ THE CRY - THE CRY Portland’s The Cry remind of the Jam & other English Mod revival/ Punk into Pop bands like Elvis Costello & Joe Jackson, but with American reference points & that’s good by me. Eugene’s “The Underlings” have a similar sound. I heard that over 50% of Americans are now “poor” so we’re primed for the creation of a new American working class & this kind of music is just perfect for that sort of thing. I’ve got my jeans cuffed & boots shined just for the occasion. -SÄ
WEIRDO ARTIST: TOM BUNK I first discovered Tom Bunk’s artwork via the backs of Garbage Pail Kids. His style always screamed Al Jaffee to me, but it was more underground in nature, grosser, weirder, with a little more of the schmaltz of Bill Elder in it. Appropriately Tom Bunk has done work for MAD since 1990, a lot of which features Aragones-like scenes crammed with hundreds of characters & jokes. Tom Bunk grew up in Germany, trying his hand at Expressionist painting before turning to underground comix in 1976. He moved to the USA in the 80s & hooked up with Art Spiegelman who got him into Topps & RAW. bunkart.blogspot. com -SÄ
WEIRDO ARTIST - KNUCKLE I’m so stoked on all these Japanese Weirdo Artists. Knuckle specializes in t-shirts where he uses stencils to create one-offs that are part of thematic series. This way you can get a t-shirt or sweat-shirt that is like the one you saw, but it is unique in that the number & arrangement of the stencils can be whatever you or Knuckle wants. As soon as I get a minute I’m going to start doing my own designs this way! Stoked. -SÄ
MONSTER SHOES In an old Weirdo Artist ad from a car magazine or something they were offering customized deck shoes with the example of huge, blood-shot eyes. My red vans were looking particularly ratty so it seemed like a no risk kind of deal so I got one of my larger sized Sharpies & went to town making half a monster face on each shoe. Looks pretty cool! It’s winter now, but come Spring I declare the kustom deck shoe craze to be ON. Mebbe me & Bobby will set up a stand doin’ this. -SÄ THE MONSTERS - POP UP YOURS The Monsters are a Trash Rock band from Berne, Switzerland & have been going at it forever. The guy behind the Monsters is Reverend Beat Man, who also runs Voodoo Rhythm Records. These days, Beat Man looks kind of like a lost member of the 3 Stooges, which makes the band even more endearing. Beat Man’s vocals rule, a raspy melodic screaming that you don’t hear too often these days served over some super fuzzy, scummy Freak Beat Frat Rock type tunes. -SÄ
LAST OF THE LEATHER AGE Last of the Leather Age is a super cool Rock&Roll screen printing operation out of Austin, Texas run by Sarah Ostovar & Ben Tipton who also runs Burger City Rock & Roll. They make totally cool t-shirts like this Teenage Grease one & also tote bags with cool characters like Alice Cooper & Suzi Quatro on them. I’ve had multiple Rock&Roll characters try to get these for free through me. lastoftheleatherage.com -SÄ GET REAL You’re only on this earth in this life ONCE & people act like they have nothing to do! Playing video games, staying in bed all day, being zonked out on drugs all the time, man, what the fuck is wrong with you? YOU GONNA DIE STUPID-ASS. TIME TO GET REAL. Your crisis of existence is OVER. It’s time to make an impact! When my sons come to me crying about something stupid I say, “Do you wannabe remembered as the little boy who cried because his brother took some shit from him?” NO. GET REAL!
King Lollipop is the alter-ego of Cody Blanchard of Shannon & the Clams. His record, “Woodland Whoopee Songs of Ol’ Callowhee” is out on 1-2-3-4 GO! I met King Lollipop at the Burger Puppet to conduct his first big interview!
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SEAN: Hail King Lollipop , thanks for meeting me here at the BURGER PUPPET on the border of PORKLAND & the deranged Witch’s Wood. Can you tell all the readers out there about your kingdom? KING: BURGER PUPPET is my favorite restaurant. I don’t really eat anything, but I love to people watch. The food is terrible. Well, it’s not so formally my kingdom. I’m not a king through election or divine lineage or anything. I’m just a wanderer, but I only ever wander within this one little place. I’m always around and I know everybody and every place and so I’m kind of a king, with no authority. Just a local hobo that everybody knows. But I can make people do things for me, just because they like me so much. I can make spiders dance a jig, toads bang a rhythm on crawdad shells, I can make turtles be my shoes and carry me around like the slowest roller skates ever made (it gives you time to take in the scenery). But maybe people think of me as a king because I instigate all these delightful happenings with my whims and fancies and it seems the whole kingdom has evolved to fit my liking. Where it used to be a grey and humdrum boring town with a typical sleepy forest, why I just wander around and ask folks to dance and do outrageous things, and then they DO and before you know it, the feeling spreads like wildfire! And that’s how we come to live in such a wild cartoon woodland! SEAN: Yeah, even the bugs & flowers & trees are singing & dancing here. It’s kind of distracting me. There’s a couple of Shannon & the Clams songs that scream “King Lollipop” to me, “Warlock in the Woods” & “Old Man Winter.” I was terrified of Old Man Winter when I was a kid, because he comes & gnaws at your belly. KING: O, once you spend a lil time here, you won’t even notice all the singing and dancing. In fact, YOU’LL start singing and dancing too. Those songs are what I really wanted to write about, but it just took me a while to figure it out. I didn’t really wanna write love songs or sad songs. I like storytelling. The only image of Old Man Winter I have is from this ancient MGM Happy Harmonies cartoon that my parents bought on a VHS tape, it’s called “To Spring”. It’s one of my favorite cartoons of all time. The spring elves battle Old Man Winter from underground, while he hovers around in the sky. They try to banish winter and bring about springtime using the gears and levers and machinery that power the seasons. SEAN: There’s a lot of overthrowing of dictator & king-type peoples these days, how do you keep your subjects happy? KING: O, I never worry about it. Worrying is like wishing for something that you don’t want to happen. I don’t really have any OFFICIAL power or authority, just a funny kinda influence. If I just keep doing what I do, the people will always be happy. Before I came around, everybody was dull, serious, severe, uninspired, drained. I make the rounds and ask them to “do my bidding”, which will typically involve reciting a nursery rhyme, or coming up with one on the spot, or performing a silly dance for me and promising to teach it to 10 people. If they ever get sick of me, well that’s no problem, I’d just keep wandering on, following the train tracks, any place is as good as the next. As long as the toadstools blow in breeze, I’ll find my way to where I’m wanted. SEAN: Yeah, that’s kind of hard to revolt against. Wasn’t Aragorn a wandering King? You are maybe more like Tom Bombadil, do you have any special THINGS you give to people to help them with their inspiration? KING: Aragorn WAS a wandering King. But no one knew it. Nobody respected him. Well, a couple people did. He was a lot like me. I’m a little more like Bombadil and Johnny Appleseed and Betty Boop’s dog/boyfriend Bimbo. I’ve been wanting to read the Silmarillion for a while now. I like to give people fruits and nuts to inspire them. Also a playful rap on the noggin. SEAN: Tell me about Lord Licorice... KING: Lord Licorice was a fool of a man! He always knew he needed something he couldn’t find, and he thought he knew what it was. And in his obsession and isolation, he built himself a junkyard land of candy and men of candy who continued to build the land bigger and bigger, but he never found it was enough to satisfy him. Well he gorged himself on candy for years, but it only worsened the hollow feeling in his soul. Then one day he begged his men to open up his chest and take a look at his poor shriveled heart, and inside they found the little thing smothered in a thick candy shell! Dulling every beat and pulse! Well he couldn’t take it anymore and did himself in, letting some poor kid greedily eat his little candy heart until he was no more. Well sometimes, you think you know what you want or what you need, but you’re just fooling yourself. SEAN: Sounds like Walt Disney! But, let’s say I’m planning on building an amusement park on the Oregon coast to brighten up this dreary land. A huge one, the Coney Island of the West Coast, something to cast hot dog infused sunshine into the hearts of rain-drenched Oregonians, what would you want to see there? KING: I’d like there to be freeloading chimps in human clothes that run around and play pranks on people, I’d like there to be giant toadstools for decor and for climbing around on, I’d like there to be some old-fashioned polished wood amusements, like the spinning round turntable platform that you have to try to walk across or wrestle with your friend on top of, I’d like more than one ferris wheel, a haunted house, an old timey fun house with air vents in the floor and tilted rooms, giant deep-fried broccolis, a giant slide that is also a psychedelic funhouse, animatronic people everywhere and no 80s hard rock music during the rides. Also, you have to slide down a giant candy cane to enter the park! And with that, King Lollipop spun down into himself & disappeared in a puff of white & red smoke.
TY ERAL PAR //THE FUN E R U C E H 1. T WISH H//DEATH IAN DEAT T IS R H C 2. DAY OOMY SUN UNCH//GL 3. LYDIA L ) EAKABLE OKE//UNSP J G IN L 4. KIL IS WRONG HIS ROOM WARFS//T D L L A T 5. US VES LIKE DER//THIE 6. NEW OR LONE EWMAN//A 7. COLIN N WN /DOOM TO O? 8. WIPERS/ SPRING G E DID THE R E H /W S/ K MY HEART 9. THE KIN ES//SIN IN E SH N A B E&THE 10. SIOUXSI UT NOT YET O DOWN BUT 11. FELT// O CRY NO TIME T RE IS F MERCY// O S R E ST TIME THE 12. SI IES//THIS IT L A N SO ISION PER 13. TELEV ENDING NO HAPPY ? WERE YOU S//WHERE N O K GIRL E M E 14. TH /MERCURY OM VENUS/ R F S R E N CRISIS 15. CLEA IS AFTER ON INES//CRIS A L R E V E U.S. VERSI 16. TH IT FEEL? S E O D W O EATION//H 17. THE CR ERS OOR//SHIV BY YS NEXT D AY GONE 18. THE BO ND OF A D -E G O /D S/ T OCKE E 19. LOVE&R E GOODBY LLO, WAV E H Y SA // ELL 20. SOFT C ER S OF WINT YN//CHOIR R A M A T . 21
WHAT TIME IS IT?
DUR DA DOOO DUR DA DOO YOW YOW YOW YOW!!!
LET’S WATCH A CARTOON!
EWW! THAT CARTOON MADE ME SICK!
I’LL ASK THE SLOW POISONER! HOW CAN I FEEL BETTER?
THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION LIES BETWEEN YOUR VEGETABLE STATE & YOUR SPIRIT STATE.
THAT’S VERY INTERESTING! BUT I’M STILL HUNGRY!
GOOD THING I HAVE MY TOASTITE! THE SANDWICH TOASTER THAT SEALS IN THE FLAVOR!
AND NOW FOR OUR SPECIAL MUSICAL GUEST!
What’s going to happen in 2012?
The future will definitely have more boners. Chris wants to see more palm trees in Portland and maybe even some boners popping from said palm trees. We also foresee babes drinking beers from coconuts and more pizza and burger throwing at our shows.
A WIT M H EL H A RT IA !
PORK TIME!!! Hey there piggy! You look mighty succulent!
Aaaargh! You foiled me again PORKU!
HA HA HA HA HA!
UM! I THINK I’M JUST HUNGRY!
AH! MR. TACO! OH, HELLO AMELIA!
YEEEEAAAAAAHHH HA HA!
NOW IT’S TIME FOR BOOK CLUB!
The best tacos are cheap & fast, eaten on the sidewalk, & made of corn tortilla’s filled with nothing more than meat, cilantro & onions. With tacos, the more unsafe & unsavory the place looks, the better they will taste. Trust me.
SHOCK VALUE IS BY JOHN WATERS! This book showed me how to have the most fun with the best people!
AND NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE ENDING CREDITS DANCE!!!
BY SEAN & KATIE ÄABERG WITH AMELIA HART AND THE PORK ARMY
SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!! ON PORK TIME!!!
We got more BAD IDEAS for you than ever before, dear PORK readers! I am pleased to introduce Jake Rat’s “WINE WINE WINE” & “Ask the Slow Poisoner”. Jake Rat is the world’s only Punk Rock&Roll sommelier, also a modern dance choreographer & leader of the NYC Rats & he is here to promote the fruit of the vine unto ye. Street & Sweet like a Wino! The Slow Poisoner is a genuine snake oil salesman from foggy San Francisco! A one-man band, esoteric cartoonist, novelist & Weirdo Artist of the finest caliber & he has given me his word that he will do his best to answer your questions, whatever they may be.
unbelievABLE!!! NEWS OF THE WORLD WITH JASON MCKAY witchcraft! hoaxes! cryptoids! ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theories! scientific scares! the occult! & all manners of weirdness from the desk of the northwests’ premier dubiologist: jason mckay!
October 7: Psychic Phenomenon Los Angeles psychic arrested after she threatens twelve-year-old girl into stealing over ten thousand dollars worth of jewelry from her family home. The psychic told her she was cursed and the curse wouldn’t be lifted until she stole MORE jewelry. October 11: Cryptoid An international cryptozoology research team (US, Canada and Russia) on an expedition across Siberia claim they finally have found definitive proof, including footprints, of a Yeti! October 18: Cryptoid Officers alerted to multiple witnesses claiming to see a werewolf under a full moon near the Virginia town of Woodbridge. October 21: Psychic Phenomenon Psychic claims he predicted the beginning of Occupy Wall Street and every media report to the time, day and minute! october 26: UFOs In a recent public speech by Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan he condemned the execution of Moammar Gadhafi, which for some reason caused him to announce that he was abducted by aliens in 1985. November 1: Witchcraft Citizens are terrified by the growing violence in the streets of Mexico by the drug cartels, which have made them resort to embracing witchcraft and local warlocks to protect them. November 7: UFOs After two petitions demanding full disclosure for UFO government cover-ups started circulating through Washington D.C., the White House responded on the official White House webpage that there is no government cover-up of aliens or proof of UFOs. November 11: Cults Egyptian antique authorities temporarily close down the Great Pyramid to tourists for the day, due to fears of a rumored mass occupation of Satanic or Masonic group ceremonies on 11/11/11. November 14: Miracles Sight-seeing pilot flies near the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland and photographs a miraculous image of Jesus Christ’s face across the entire side of the mountain. November 15: Ghosts Ex-Libertines front man Peter Doherty panics and leaves his English flat for Paris, because he believes Amy Winehouse is haunting his flat! November 22: Paranormal A man patiently waiting for the train in Sweden suddenly burst into flames in front of witnesses who didn’t believe it was truly happening until the man started screaming in pain. Luckily the victim of spontaneous human combustion survived. November 23: Sacred Sites Ireland’s richest man and former Quinn Group boss Sean Quinn loses his entire 4.7 billion dollar fortune. Town locals claim his loss isn’t due to economics but a fairy curse after removing a sacred megalithic stone from the Aughrim Wedge Tomb! November 28: Conspiracy Theory Lawyers representing convicted RFK assassin Sirhan Sirhan claim he is innocent, & believe they have proof that the assassin’s bullet was switched in the evidence lab!?
FAQ 1: Why why why? Wine is like beer in a lot of ways, so it is therefore intrinsically awesome. It’s made with fermented berries (basically grapes are the berries of a grapevine). The berries (grapes) are fermented like the wheat berries in a beer (aka barley). One big historical difference is that wine has been built over the course of about 10,000 years of human attention, possibly even up to 50,000 years, evolving with humans the whole time, even back when we looked like half-monkeys, whereas beer required agriculture to grow the barley, which didn’t happen until 7000 years ago. Wine predates agriculture because grape vines grow next to each other naturally in the wild, but a neatly cultivated wheat field was far less likely to be stumbled upon by our hunter-gatherer ancestors and the hominids that lived before us, like that big-browed bunch, Australopithecus. Fermented grape mush being the original pet of mankind, predates agriculture, predates the domestication of dogs and livestock, and likely predates other forms of intoxication like thc/marijuana and other smokeables containing mind-altering alkaloids or opioids. OK, maybe we ate raw cannabis before we ate rotten grapes, but Paleolithic humans definitely had access to spoiled grapes before they ever learned how to start a fire, and it goes without mention that sour-grape-apes pre-date written language, recorded history and religion, and it probably even predates our evolutionary leap to becoming homo-erectus aka modern man (monkeys and birds have been shown to fight over prized pieces of fruit which have naturally fermented into alcoholic bevvies). Another huge difference is the sheer variety in wine. Remember the little slide rule from 1st grade? Let’s say one side of that slide rule represents the approximated 1000 varieties of wine grapes in use these days, and the other side represents the combinations of grapes legally allowed within the world’s approximately 6000 grape growing communities... Hey that sums up to way over SIX MILLION kinds of wine out there today. That’s an unfathomable, insane amount of variety. FAQ 2: Why do wine people always seem weird and/or militant? Aside from having to become a human encyclopedia of grapes, regions and soil types, your wine waiter (aka your sommelier) usually wears that exhausted expression from worrying about the nuances and possible defects in your wine. Check it out - Back in Europe’s feudal period, being a king’s wine taster or cup-bearer could mean life or death. Ever see Hamlet? Folks, there was a lot of poison hemlock and other deviltry floating through royal courts with assassination attempts and whatnot. Well, the wine expert’s job was to taste & pour wine for the dukes, princes and kings, and if his nose wasn’t dead-on, then someone either got poisoned or literally lost their head. So 700 years later wine pros still carry a bit of a load on their shoulders in order to remain a “royal taster” for whoever can afford bottle service these days. FAQ 3: How to get the good stuff - A 13 Step Program There are a lot of hidden bargains out there for ape-worthy wine experiences, and you don’t have to go to a hyper-trendy yuppie den to find it. Some of my favorite bottles are found at the corner mom & pop shops that make rent by selling Alizé and Tanqueray. Here’s how to not get gypped: 1. It can be a lot like record shopping. Make it an active hunt. Know sort-of what you are looking for, but stay open minded. Some wines are labeled by their grape type, and Wikipedia is a killer source for info on grape varieties. Is it for a hot date? Is it wine for an afterparty? Is it your last night on earth? There’s wine for pizza and band practice, but then there’s wine for the birth of your first pet skunk litter. Make it count. 2. Have a budget, and don’t hesitate to stick to it. Almost everyone is broke these days, and there’s no shame in getting something for $10 if it is truly tasty and makes you happy. 3. Notice the temperature of the store. If the bottles are dusty and the place is always too stuffy and hot inside, it could mean that wines have been sitting in that hot room for too long. The corks can dry out and then the wines get shitty. Likely the shop owners don’t give two rats about their stock and you might end up having to return stuff. Avoid this place. 4. If your salespeople seem OK, don’t be afraid to engage them, but keep it simple. There’s a lot of room for confusion if you walk in reciting H.P. Lovecraft or obscure punk lyrics. Just use words like dry vs. sweet, light body vs. big body... mineral taste vs. fruity vs. earthy vs. floral taste ...these terms are universal shop talk which mean pretty much just what they sound like. Anyone can do it. Just picture your dinner or event in your mind, and let your tongue and nose talk to your brain for a minute about which liquid flavors could complete the picture. Trust yourself. 5. There’s nothing wrong with sulfites, unless you are among the tiny percentage of people who are allergic. Most people just pee them out. No harm done. Seriously. 6. Don’t worry about mispronouncing stuff. We can’t help it if our education system has failed us, leaving most Americans mono-lingual. Don’t worry if you have no idea what all the bin tags mean. If your salesperson seems at all condescending, just go shop somewhere else. No big deal. 7. Generally speaking, if you’re looking for a medium price range.. say $16 to $25, try to get something from a specific geographic area.. Like, instead of it saying Wine of Spain, get the one that also lists the Sub-Region or even exact Village where the grapes were harvested. It will increase your odds of getting a bottle which was handled with care by producers and shippers. 8. If it tastes weird, save the remaining 4/5 of the juice in the bottle and return it. Wine is a living thing. Sometimes it dies by the time we buy it. It can die for a lot of different reasons. The most common wine D.O.A. is when it is corked, and you will know by the wet cardboard taste and its overall hollow flavor profile. Up to 5% of wine bottles arrive corked, so always ask for a receipt just in case you get a dud. 9. Sheets to the wind.. play Russian Roulette when payday comes. Making mistakes gives us first-hand memories - the best way to learn stuff. Grab 3 or 4 completely different bottles and a bunch of take-out food and just experiment matching wine to food and food to wine, while you’re at home darning socks and watching re-runs. Also be sure to experiment tasting the different bottles at different temperatures. Pull them in and out of the fridge randomly. Let some sit in contact with room temperature while others chill a bit; you will notice a TON of difference in how various temperatures effect the wine’s interactions with your nose, the food, and your palate. 10. Take 5 minutes once a year to learn 2 or 3 white wine grapes, then a couple of red wine grapes and their specs. Use it like this: “Hmm... well, Pinot Noir is lighter than Merlot, and contains less puckery sensations (tannins). I imagine it will taste better with my chicken than the Merlot, cause too much puckery taste would seem weird with my chicken” . A little bit of info goes a really long way with wine. And don’t forget, it’s all about you and your own tastebuds. There really aren’t any rules when it’s your own dime. 11. It doesn’t have to be foreign to be good, and yeah we all know about California, but some of the most amazing bottles and bargains are from the states of Oregon and New York. Next time you’re on the lam, on a tour or on a road trip, pencil in a few vineyard visits between cities. Stretch those gnarly legs and soak up some local wine samples & fresh air. Quite often, the smaller the vineyard, the better. People who farm grapes and produce wine are usually pretty cool to talk to. You will meet some great characters. 12. Wine really only keeps for a day or two after it’s open, even in the fridge. Drink it up. They’ll make more. 13. Here are 5 pretty trustworthy producers you will find at both the fancy and the dumpy shops in any town: Catena (electric red wines via Argentina), Rothschilde (yep, ye olde Baron, kinda generic but dependable, with lots of variety and history), Coppola (for when the Apocalypse is now, saucy savory reds, and one of the only producers to still use the term Claret), Jaume Serra Cristalino (an affordable yet authentic Cava, it is rich and crispy all at once, like Champagne but it comes from Spain and is great at 10 AM), and for a really wowie white ask for Vouvray or anything made with Chenin Blanc grapes (or the South African version called Steen) this is not Kathy Lee’s Chardonnay, I promise.
I CAN READ!
maximumrocknroll.com/ I feel like something is wrong with me because I’m always paying attention to shit I flat out disagree with out of some notion of “giving things a fair shake” but then I’m sitting there reading Maximumrocknroll & it’s even worse than it used to be! Look, I’m all about making the world a better place, helping people to reach their potential & all sorts of shit like that, but I also feel that political correctness, social activism & critical theory ARE NOT THE WAY TO HELP ANYONE & MAKE ME WANT TO MURDER. Not only that, but Rock&Roll & Punk Rock should have NOTHING to do with this nonsense. In fact, it seems deliberately fucked up to associate not just Rock&Roll but MAXIMUM Rock&Roll with this kind of super uptight PC bullshit. It’s like some kind of sick joke perpetuated by Tim Yohannan. Anyhow, take someone who embodies Rock&Roll, someone like Little Richard or Mick Jagger, then turn them up, amplify them to the MAXIMUM LEVEL. Their hypnotic voodoo power would be pouring out of their hauntingly yellow, glowing eyes, poison would be dripping from their smile, their movements would be both sensual like a snake, but also spasmodic like a full-body orgasm, life & death, god & the devil, animal & man, man & woman, white & black, all in one & they would exude a smell of sex, gun powder, alcohol & syrupy sweetness. DOES MRR EQUAL THIS? NO. MRR IS MY 8th GRADE ALGEBRA TEACHER WITH A MOHAWK TELLING ME MY JOKES ARE INAPPROPRIATE FOR CLASS & THEN LECTURING ME ABOUT MY BEHAVIOR ENDLESSLY.
ART SPIEGELMAN: CONVERSATIONS.
Edited by Joseph Witek. Published by University Press of Mississippi There is a place where the great sea of trash washes over the middle brow beaches & the pylons of the avant garde jut out of the water & there is Art Spiegelman. An important figure in the worlds of trash culture via his work with Topps Bubblegum, New Wave art via RAW magazine & the transitional understanding by the public of what comics are via his comic MAUS, Spiegelman has been directing the culture that I have been absorbing since I was born. I have gone from admiration of him for RAW & MAUS to being in awe when I found out he had a hand in the creation of both Wacky Packages & Garbage Pail Kids, to disappointment with his work with the New Yorker & especially his “In The Shadow of No Towers”, back to admiration of him via this excellent book. I have come to understand Spiegelman centrally as a Conceptual Artist & cultural manipulator/gateway.
MANSON IN HIS OWN WORDS
by Charles Manson & Nuel Emmons. Published by Grove Press When I was first getting into cool stuff, Charles Manson seemed really played out & uninteresting to me. When I read some of his writings, I decided that he was a hippie & so my teenage suburban Punk band “The Masked Men” wrote a song about him called “Charles Manson is a Hippie”. As time has passed I’ve come to appreciate Manson as a symbol of the dark side of hippie & of the failings of the Aquarian Age, which I celebrate here in Eugene, Oregon which hasn’t heard the news. As a child of the 70s, my world view is informed by the failings & rot of the 60s: Altamont, heroin, child abuse, Jonestown, serial killers, runaways, government meddling in social movements, open relationships, the destruction of the family & all culture, Hells Angels, Angel Dust, fisting & cultists. Manson fits in there perfectly, the wild-eyed pyed piper with his family of runaways. Manson holds up a mirror to America & America throws his ass behind bars.
by Avi Spivak & Billy Miller. Published by Norton Records Kicksville Confidential is the kind of comic I wish I had found when I was like 12, something to turn me in the right direction in a really cool way. This Avi Spivak guy is doing some GREAT COMICS!!! So I guess there was this magazine called KICKS put out by the soon-tobe NORTON records people (Billy Miller & Miriam Linna) using a tax return check (that’s how PORK started too!). They developed a relationship with Hasil Adkins & started NORTON records to release his records in 1986. This & heaps of other obsessive Rock&Roll stories are gloriously drawn by Spivak & written by Miller in this awesome comic book. I especially liked a line in the intro by Tim Warren, “Either it was Rock&Roll or it was Square.” Hey, you got my number. Spivak’s art reminds me of a lot of that Expressionist cartooning style, which I really dig.
AL JAFFEE’S MAD LIFE
by MARY-LOU WEISSMAN published by IT BOOKS This is a fantastic biography of MAD magazine artist Al Jaffee which he illustrated in order to lend the correct eau du Jaffee. Jaffee was not one of my favorite MAD artists when I was a kid & I only really started to appreciate his work when I was initiated into the mysteries of the cartoonist brotherhood & then it clicked & I realized that he is a goddamn master. Jaffee has had an insane life, born in America to Lithuanian Jews, his mom decides to move back to the wastes of Eastern Europe at a time when many Jews are fleeing Europe & Russia. We discover the source of Jaffee’s gross humor: the streets of Lithuanian shtetls. After absorbing a world of starvation, gross old ladies, dog shit & general decay, Jaffee is moved back to America just in time to study at the High School of Music & Art in NYC with future Mad personnel Will Elder, Harvey Kurtzman, John Severin & Al Feldstein. This book made me want to live in Lithuania.
HYPNO-HOG’S MOON-SHINE MONSTER JAMBOREE
by ANDREW GOLDFARB published by ERASERHEAD PRESS Andrew Goldfarb, the Slow Poisoner, has written a masterpiece in Weird Fiction. Goldfarb paints a hallucinatory caricature of the deep, mutated south, applying one part carnival tropes/one part Lovecraftian insanity to the willing distortions of rural, chicken fried America. The degenerated denizens of Slogg Holler are visited by a supernatural storm of skull-headed frogs that cause a host of wonderous changes in the citizenry & their precious hogs. Undeterred by their new forms, the hillbillies begin to fornicate wildly in disheveled abandon. Using his deranged cartoonist’s brain, Goldfarb brings all the disgusting imagery to life giving me the feeling of a Breughel painting raiding a Kentucky Fried Chicken.
THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE WORLD
by MARK BOOTH published by OVERLOOK This book displays the easy formula to make me pick up & read anything. Title the book, “The Secret History of the World” & then put an all-seeing eye on it & I will automatically pick it up. Mark Booth is actually attempting to write the Secret History of the World via the occult perspective on things & it is a fantastic journey through all of the weirdness that one absorbs as an initiate into the mysteries. Booth clarified the idea of the how human consciousness has expanded via different prophets, philosophers & incarnated demigods for me & throughout I kept on having intense “aha!” moments & feelings of synchronicity & mojo activation. Definitely worth a read.
MEMORIAL Rant-Exhibit Review: Rem Koolhaas’ CRONOCAOS QADAFI Dudehas the whole world gone CRAZY? Man, didja see those dune coons dragging Quadafi’s old by Dan Shoup ass outta that car and roughing him up? Man, I don’t care if he did brutally murder 10,000 of his Some of you astute PORK readers might have noticed that the timeline for nostalgia has shrunk to pretty much nothing. It’s gotten so that I start thinking about the nostalgia I’m going to feel for something before it even happens. Popular culture is starting to pre-curate the future! Dutch starchitect Rem Koolhaas has been on tour with an exhibition exactly about this. It’s called CRONOCAOS. I caught it at the Venice Biennale last year (where it was the sole gem in a heap of turds), and it was shown this summer at the New Museum in New York. Koolhaas is a veteran architectural provocateur and the creator of some famous books and buildings (Centre Pompidou in Paris; Delirious New York; S,M,L,XL). In CRONOCAOS he launches a frontal assault on the ideology of preservation. What follows is a combination review and rant inspired by the work. The quotes are from the exhibit not me. “The interval between the now and the preserved is shrinking, and is about to disappear. From this moment, we do not only have to look back, but also forward, we will have to decide what to preserve in advance…”
“Retro” has completely consumed culture, to the point where there’s not much left of the future. Vintage stores, historic preservation, ‘vinyl archaeologists’, the 90s revival, so many things are now getting the preservation treatment. In California, anything built before 1966 can get official status as a historic building. In the UK, something built YESTERDAY can be put on the ‘heritage list’ if the boffins think it’s important! To put it mildly, the west (Europe/USA) is not in an optimistic place right now. The next decade looks like a long slog through debt servitude under our banker overlords. Clinging to the past through preserving places and things has been the main response to the the insane pace of political and social change in recent decades. By Koolhaas’ calculation, 12% of the world’s surface is now under some kind of conservation or preservation regime, whereby it is extracted from the modern world into a kind of artificial ‘timelessness’. These are the places where things shouldn’t change. We don’t need a future if we can hold onto the past. Right? But the result is schizophrenic. “The map of proliferating heritage and preservation suggests a world about to be divided into areas of radical change and areas of equally radical stasis. This is CRONOCAOS.”
The result of much ‘preservation’ activity has been the sterilization of social and economic spaces. Just as gentrification ‘revives’ a neighborhood by removing the people who used to live there, preservation forbids normal human activities because they can ‘damage the past’. Couple that with a pervasive historicism in new architecture (think of the shopping malls disguised as traditional main streets), and the results are what Koolhaas calls ‘preemptive mediocrity’: “Preemptive mediocrity has become our dominant expression of respect for history. It has become impossible to date large sections of our urban production: a low-grade, unintended ‘timelessness’ is our contribution to the march of civilization.” And it’s seeping into more and more mundane activities. Take the UNESCO Intangible Heritage program, which tries to capture social customs, art, and music for the preservation ideology. Put it on a list and throw money at it, to make sure it doesn’t change. This is the ideology not of healing but of life support. Now, this was never what was intended. Preserving a building, a landscape, an archaeological site was always meant to to suggest the potential for different ways of living and interacting with the world. To honor our ancestors, to reflect on change, to resist the homogenisation that comes with capitalism. But places and people are different; you hold space static, but time and life go on. “We have never theorized a way to keep not only the physical substance, but, as in a time machine, also the life that came with it…” To make the point the CRONOCAOS exhibit had two photos of similar ancient buildings in Damascus. One was a warehouse filled with crates of crunchy snacks and soft drinks, the other an expensive boutique full of ‘authentic local crafts’, no doubt made by the local ‘creative class’. Which of these is more ‘real’? Which do we need more of? In practice the second model of preservation dominates: not modern content in ancient buildings (now+then), but making old buildings into places for rich people to live out a kind of historical fantasy (then+then). We cannot be satisfied with this kind of preservation, because it does nothing for the people.
CRONOCAOS also asked: what happened to the future? Do you remember when we were excited about the 1990s? the 2000s? The miracles and wonders that progress was going to bring us? I remember. And some of the wonders have been delivered. (Skype! YouTube!) But I don’t feel so optimistic anymore. Somewhere around 1980 Western civilization lost its future focus: instead of images of progress, enlightenment, and revolution it has turned importer of people, customs, and beliefs, while cannibalizing its own past in an orgy of preservationist nostalgia. This is ultimately why many westerners would rather see developing countries stay poor: so they can represent some kind of ‘purity’ and ‘authenticity’ on our behalf. But yeah, it wasn’t so long ago we were excited out of our minds about the future. And a lot of that was expressed in futuristic concrete architecture. This is the one area, as Koolhaas points out, that has NOT been so lovingly preserved. Instead, that modernist, utopian architecture of the 50s, 60s, and 70s, has been under attack and savagely demolished. The pervasive disillusionment of the west, with its desire to turn back the clock, has led to a profound reaction against the utopian dreams of the 20th century. It emerges as a near-manic desire to destroy the architectural symbols of that optimism – Koolhaas picks the former parliament building (Palast der Republik) of East Germany as an example. A modernist masterpiece, it was disassembled in 2007 and will be replaced with a replica of the 18th century palace (the Stadtschloss) that was there before.
THE FUTURE OF THE PAST
If you believe, as I do, that the past is most useful as an inspiration for the future – as a tool for focusing and inspiring our aspirations for good things to come – preservation as currently practiced has to stop. But to get to the future we must be willing to stop clinging so hard to the past. CRONOCAOS offers some ideas: “The march of preservation necessitates the development of a theory of its opposite: not what to keep, but what to give up, what to erase and abandon. A system of phased demolition, for instance, would drop the unconvincing pretence of permanence for contemporary architecture, built under different economic and material assumptions. It would reveal tabula rasa beneath the thinning crust of our civilization – ready for liberation just as we (in the West) had given up the idea.” Or how about preservation credits? “The world needs a new system mediating between preservation and development. Could there be the equivalent of carbon trading in modernization? Could one nation ‘pay’ another not to change?” The explosion of media in the 19th and 20th centuries has inverted the traditional conservation challenge. There is too much stuff. I’ve spent days recording the archaeology of the American 1950s: ‘archaeological’ Coke can dumps, the concrete pads of vanished trailer parks. It’s unnecessary. There’s too much of it. The archaeology of the 1990s will completely overwhelm the system. So the question for future archaeologists is not deciding what to keep, but what to throw away. Koolhaas suggests a counterpart to the World Heritage Convention: the ‘Convention Concerning the Demolition of World Cultural Junk’. If we have ‘outstanding universal value’, why not have equivalent criteria of things that are not worth preserving? I love it.
a caveat on ARCHITECTURAL NARCISSISM
“Architects – we who change the world – have been oblivious or hostile to the manifestations of preservation.” This dictum from CRONOCAOS is true, but reminds me why I also hate architects. They are obsessed with their own role as world-changing heroes, expressed as rapturous masturbation about the abstract, alienating, and anti-functional buildings of overrated narcissists like Daniel Liebeskind, Zaha Hadid, or Frank Gehry. Ayn Rand chose perfectly when she cast her laughable sociopathic protagonist Howard Roark as an architect. Behind the brilliant analysis is Koolhaas’s desire to resurrect the figure of the architect as heroic engineer of social change. It’s a 20th century idea that they still teach in architecture school, though it was never true. Though I suppose it’s better than the current model, where architects make irrelevant buildings for oligarchs, who claim the credit for their vision (think of the ‘Guggenheim archipelago’). So, take what Koolhaas says with a grain of salt. He’s got his own agenda, oversimplifies, has some contradictions, and so on. Fine and dandy. But unlike a lot of architectural hand-waving, the hot mess of CRONOCAOS contains some kernels of the future.
own people. At least give him a fake trial before you lynch his ugly old weird ass. Otherwise, you’re no better than the Italians. That’s like the second or third ugly middle eastern lynch mob crappy cell phone camera video lately. Can we get a high resolution despot lynching, puh-leese? I can kind of sympathise with those psychotic drooling revolutionary freakos though - I mean, if there was a lynch mob hauling John (sucks a) Boehner out of the House of Reprehensible, I’d be there. I don’t know though, I still can’t really give a shit about how Muslims are treated, because honestly their religion is so fucking stupid. Definitely as stupid as Christianity. I mean, the Muslims are always cuttin’ on wymyn, making them wear dopey clothes, and they hate dopers and shit. Like, what are they ,from New Hampshire? I mean, get off your high horse, religious guy with a gun that yells, whatever your denomination. I mean, you don’t see chycks walking around waving machine guns in the air all the time.now, THAT would be fucking scary! Do you WANT every woman you know to run around with a loaded uzi, yelling and poppin’ off caps? HELL NO! That’d be like...coluhs, coluhs, coluhs (insert Ice-T’s movie theme here). We’d have, like a war every 28 days! Tell you what, I’d be a lot nicer... bitches mowing down every serial ass grabber in sight. “Mmm, mmm, mmm, must be jelly coz jam don’t shake like...” BDDDDT!!!! Choppin’ up suckas like the grim reaper. We don’t want that. Yeah, it’s best to be non-sexist. It helps for when you’re begging for pussy later. Really though, let’s just get the fuck out of the Middle East. We don’t know what’s up there. Let them kill each other in peace. It’s a great place for them to do it in. It’s got plenty of room, great views, history. Nuke it, split, fuck the bitches. Politics shouldn’t be so complex and shit. Plus, computer hos need to get off the dick. And I’d also like to say fuck with me week is over, officially. So is fuck with Quadafi week. If nothing else, he was a cool villain. Remember when he had those female bodyguards with uzis? Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!
Kill The Rich
Rich people should all be killed. That way, everyone could eat. We could feed the world if we kill most of the rich people. Maybe even if we just kill some of them. I bet if everyone that works in a bank was dead, the rest of us could get health care and food. Banks wouldn’t be able to ruin everything if it wasn’t for people working in them. If we could kill them all, including the tellers, then we could say to the doctors, “you’re next, if you don’t give us health care.” Rich people need to be killed. They’re killing us every day by keeping all the money people need. You could cure the nation’s ills by killing everyone rich. Murder everyone who makes too much money. It’s that easy. Then, take the money all those dead rich people had, cure cancer with it, feed Africa, and use the rest to bury them. Rich people suck. Look at fucking Steve Jobs -- that guy’s a fucking piece of shit. He profits off Chinese slave labor, off a soul destroying, boring “invention”, the computer, which hasn’t done anything so much as make it impossible for anyone poor to get ahead. I mean, without hundreds for a computer, and electricity to use it, you can’t function in today’s society -- basically, marginalizing and negating anyone who doesn’t have one. All thanks to Steve Jobs’ greed. Instead of making technology accessible to everyone, he made it expensive so he could be a millionaire while the rest of the world starves. What an asshole! So now the world revolves around a plastic box. Stupid. I’m glad he’s dead. I bet those poor bastards making iPods in China feel the same way. That nerd skeleton ruined the world -- just like all rich people are ruining the world, sapping its strength and bleeding it dry. Killing rich people would provide fertilizer for trees. Executives could be thrown alive into chemical waste pits, and their burning bodies would absorb the chemicals. The world would be amazingly beautiful if rich people were killed with guns or sharp metal objects. But, alas, we can’t just go out and murder all of them, just because that’s what they’re doing to us. We have to wait them out, letting the rotten sick disgusting rich pollute and destroy the world through theft and deception, ruining everyones lives but theirs. Hopefully, someday soon we can at least shoot a few of them, just like they pay the police to shoot black people.
Bullying: the Street Weapon Solution
You know what stops bullying? Switchblades. Bullying is a major problem, especially for nerds, geeks, fags, dorks and losers. Believe me, I know! I used to get mutilated back in the day. I don’t think the internet could properly convey the brutal humiliation I endured in high school. But, there’s a little bit of having to become your enemy on this one. Otherwise, you’ll just be a fucking vic for the rest of your natural days. Or, another way to look at it is, you become what they say -- I’m a pussy, I’ll fight like a pussy. That means if you have to mace somebody, or pull a chickenshit jackmove (like throwing flaming ash in their face and kicking them in the nuts), don’t hesitate. Believe me, I’m not a violent person. When I’m smashing somebody’s face in, I turn away at the point of impact, because I feel bad for sending them to the ICU all Picasso. But if I have to, hey, it’s not my fault. Street weaponry can easily make up for muscles. Real shit, not a smiley. Sharp, evil, quick chemicals laced with practiced moves, and you could really even out the score. Never fight fair. There is no fair. Just kill and run. I’ll run from a fight. I don’t care. I don’t need to save face -- I’m trying to save my face, literally! Straight squares (jocks, alpha males, farm boys, black guys, etc.) will not expect faggy wimps to stab them. That’s why you do it. You gotta back them fuckers up. Then jet. Oh, and don’t fuck your hand up -- use a brick or stereo to smash a fucker’s head in. It works way better than your hand. Wipe out the eyes. Plus, punch first and ask questions later. If you think they’re about to punch you, they are. Otherwise, you’re going to get your ass stomped. Keep people at arm’s length. Always -- ALWAYS -- carry a weapon. Go for the eyes or groin. Blind people. Knock them out. That cures bullying. Bullies will never learn until they meet that one freaked out wimp who nails them. Be that one freaked out wimp. Pay off some cats to help you. Get revenge. Destroy the oppressor. That way you can spare future wimpy stoners the hassle of dealing with some bully with an authority problem. You have to just get your courage up, and make an example of one, two, three bullies by beating the motherfucking shit out of them, using street weaponry available at most Korean liquor stores, gun shows and pawn shops. Violence, unfortunately, is the answer when dealing with bullying.
Nerds Must Die
Is nerd chic over yet? It was cute at first, all those Clark Kent glasses wearing wimpy shits being cool for half a second, but it’s getting pretty tiresome. Insecure socially retarded forced autism (level 12) loser fucks: Your 15 minutes of fame is running out. There’s too much human flotsam drifting around these days. The planet’s not big enough to support this many idiots. Nerds are stuck up, and not really as smart as they try to portray themselves. It’s false intelligence. It fools them, but really, with no social experience, nerds’ contribution to society at large is moot. There’s nothing to it. They’re self-centered, greedy, human pollution looking down on folks they deem unintelligent. They are worthless, false intelligentsia -- nerds should be corralled in a huge nerd concentration camp. They live to look down on people -- it’s pathetic. With the advent of the internet, the greedy nerd bastards feel more empowered. They must be re-bullied back into submission, before they come up with some evil plan to make us all eat brussels sprouts. Obama is partially to blame. America has had a brain-dead idiot for a president ever since Kennedy ate lead. But now we have a smart president, and nobody knows what to protest. Computa hoes be fucking up the flow of the cultural universe. Some reverse Social Darwinism is in order. Otherwise, they’ll take over, and we’ll all be forced to wear argyle. Plus, most of them got smart because they were so ugly to begin with. They can’t get laid, so they have all this time on their hands. A lot of them turned gay, not out of sexual orientation or genetics, but simply because nobody straight would fuck them because they were so hideous. Stuck up nerds need to step the fuck back and stop being noticed, because honestly they are too boring to listen to. They won’t say hi to people who don’t have degrees or diplomas. They are trying to make everyone complacent. They smell weird, and don’t carry weapons. In short, nerds must be destroyed. We need to toughen them up, so they won’t be getting their ass kicked all the time (by me). We have to force beer and dope down their throats till they’re as dumb as the rest of us. Otherwise, we’ll grow up in a world filled with crappy movies and shitty drugs. It’ll be like Idaho or something, and nobody, anywhere, wants a place like Idaho to exist, ever. That’s a nightmare that we must avoid at all costs.
Bourgeois hippys are racist fuckwad losers, and the latest stats from Portland, Oregon prove it. The gentrification steamroller of financial and social terrorism that decimated northeast Portland’s
black community was nothing less than a secret plan, by a white cabal of rich bisexuals and potsmoking sustainable eco-dipshits. Using Orwellian doublespeak to their advantage, the cocksucking bastards used a cloak of environmental, groovy, crappy art and multicultural bullshit to carry out their racist plan, a happy hippy social eugenic whitewashing of the ‘hood. Why? So they could dance in the streets to celebrate (last Thursday). They literally take a day off a month to whoop it up and laugh with glee at the fact that their financial status allowed them the priviledge of living out their racist dream for the place. Northeast used to be a pretty tame (by NY or Cali standards) ghetto. There was crackheads and gunfights, but it wasn’t unlivable. You could get a cheap house and do whatever you wanted. There weren’t a lot of white families there -- in other words, it actually WAS diverse, unlike the rest of this shithole city. But, one by one, stupid honky pricks moved in, slowly raising the rents. There was a gay ghetto, and some honky sketchers among the churches and projects. It was seedy, but normal. No real businesses existed, except for crack, 3 bars, and a couple Mexican joints. Well, some rich white real estate dealing assholes got together and decided greedily holding property wasn’t piggy enough. They had to sell sell sell, to get rich off other people’s sweat, because they’re capitalist bastards who suck ass. One by one, in conjunction with corrupt, inept neighborhood losers and twisted financial institutions, they made every rental property unaffordable. Then, they opened uselessly worthless businesses, so cars could drive into the neighborhood, polluting it and running over pets. Now, it’s a sickening pastel dump, filled with homo assholes you wouldn’t waste a bullet on. Self righteous, horrible art producing, suburban shitheads who need to be killed drink lattes on every corner. And through the haze of their medical marijuana, you can hear the brainwashed hypocrites lie about the false diversity of their Nazi dyke braindead dump. That’s why the scene in Portland sucks herpes infested cock, like Sam Adams did in the election. Thats why Fred Armisen is a criminal racist psycho Nazi, and will kill us all. Or, maybe not. I’ve been wrong before. Well, see you next time!
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Dear reader of Pork, I can see that you are troubled. These are nefarious times we live in, and none among us is free from the heavy rain of sorrow and confusion that falls down upon our heads. But my dear friend, no longer will you need to suffer alone, for in the coming months, I, The Slow Poisoner, will endeavor to solve all of your problems. Perhaps you are encountering daunting hurdles in your personal life… Does the object of your affection resist your incessant pleas? Is there a large, bulbous goiter sprouting THE SLOW POISONER from the middle of your forehead? I can help! As an initiate into the occult mysteries, and as a certified class C forklift operator, I am privy to many secrets that are kept hidden from the layman. Are you wondering how to clean your storm cellar of possums? Do you need assistance deciphering ancient Peruvian runes? I am your man. Perhaps you have queries of a spiritual nature; do you gaze up at the night sky and wonder if this existence is a cruel joke perpetrated by lunatic, squid-like demiurges? I know the answer to this and many other riddles. In the coming months I hope to pluck your particular plea from my mailbag, but in the meantime, today’s question comes from Alicia N. of Willits, California, who writes:
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“I’ve never understood the criticism of Olivieri Toscani’s hard-hitting images for Benetton, just as I’ve never understood the criticism of Vice. I don’t think any of the examples cited were using shock tactics for their own sake, or illegitimately. I think they’re all trying to sensitize us to moral issues rather than desensitize us to violence. They all think that opening Pandora’s Box is useful, because they believe, finally, in the ultimate rationality and goodness of people, and feel sure that, provoked into thinking about difficult subjects, people will make better moral choices. Gavin McInnes actually said this to me in all sincerity when we met in Tokyo last year. If you believe in human nature, you provoke in the belief that people will rethink moral issues and come to better conclusions.” -Momus “That’s written across a massive jellyfish that is holding two people in its tentacles: Chiang Kai Shek and Fidel Castro. Those were two immigrants that came into a country, wiped out the previous cultures and started new, prosperous ones. I also have a machine gun on my arm that says ‘arm your desires’ in Arabic. The days of the West are numbered and I will be the impetus that destroys it. I am turning America inside out from the outside in. Soon George Bush will be in the tentacles’ hands and a new creed will take over. DESTRUCTION CREATES!” -Gavin McInnes SEAN: When I first came across VICE Magazine in the late 90s, I was still running off a lot of the cultural assumptions of an increasingly politically correct Punk scene. Then between VICE, COLORS magazine & Irvine Welsh’s books, I had my subcultural identity cracked open and this whole big world opened up. I know you were heavily into Punk, so did something similar happen to you? GAVIN: When I was about 18, I was at this anarchist conference in Vancouver and I was arguing with a bunch of dykes about the environment. I told them recycling coffee cups and sorting plastic are Band-Aid solutions because the real issue, by far, is population. Mother Nature can take the odd kick in the cunt but when people are having 8 kids and those kids are having 8 kids, her cunt collapses (I wasn’t brave enough to use that exact analogy). She called me racist and said the only reason I have a problem with overpopulation is non-whites are doing the overpopulating. I knew the accusation was false because I actually didn’t know that whites weren’t part of overpopulation at that time. That’s the day I realized political correctness has nothing to do with truth. It’s a Marxist con used to win arguments. Like the Frankfurt School used to parrot back in the 1940s, “Members and front organizations must continually embarrass, discredit and degrade our critics. When obstructionists become too irritating, label them as fascist, or Nazi or anti-Semitic. The association will, after enough repetition, become ‘fact’ in the public mind.” In a lot of ways I’m still that same anarchopunk teenager I’ve always been but the PC shit is the worst punk has to offer and I’m glad I’ve left that behind. The way I see it, I didn’t leave the Left, the Left left me. The irony is, their Stalinist little book of rules has led them to be unable to be truly “liberal.” They can’t talk about stoning women to death because it criticizes Arabs. They can’t question female genital mutilation because it’s mean to Africans. They can’t talk about separation of church and state because it violates Muslim traditions. They can’t even protest government incompetence because the president’s black. Personally, I’d rather “let a hundred flowers blossom” as Mao would say (albeit in a very different context) because “sunlight is the best disinfectant.” SEAN: The campus culture of political correctness is more of a “Cargo Cult” phenomenon of kids mimicking what was expressed generations ago. It’s become the same authority it was designed to overthrow. GAVIN: That’s what Marxism is. Like Crass said, “Their ideas of freedom are just oppression now.” In the magazine business, the ad buyers are usually women, especially at record labels. We used to fuck these hideous cougars to get ads & they lorded it over us like the mean boss in the Dolly Parton movie 9 to 5. You also see women doing this now that sexual harassment has become such an effective weapon. Some girl gets fired for doing coke & all of a sudden she wants $40 million because she’s convinced her boss was acting inappropriate. The sad thing is, these women end up trivializing real victims of sexual harassment.
SEAN: I’ve been trying to isolate the central thrust of political correctness. It’s an almost autistic take on the intersection between language and identity. That is, the anti-social, robotic tendencies of autism applied to identity politics. You end up arguing with people who have philosophical formulas burned into their minds on how to have a discussion with you. You’re guilty before you even open your mouth. This is totally un-American, but you’re Canadian. Is this un-Canadian? GAVIN: It’s anti-Western really because it’s about censorship. What PC is really all about is class. It’s about the upper classes telling the lower classes how to talk. As a punk kid, I was guilty of this too. We used to fight Nazi skinheads every weekend but they were all white and so were we. The Pakis and Jews and blacks we were pretending to defend had no idea this war was going on. Nor should they. It wasn’t about them. It was about middle class punk kids (us) getting beat up by working class skinheads (them) for being snobs. I didn’t realize it back then. I thought I was doing the right thing but in the end, it was about me and my rich friends thinking we were better than poor people. It’s all about this patronizing superiority complex the middle class has. The Ivory Tower academics love telling the uneducated they can’t say negro anymore because it’s become “black.” Then, when black gets popular, they say it’s “people of color” or “African American” now. Nobody in the real world talks like that. It’s just the elite inventing a special language with rules only they are privy to. You saw this hundreds of years ago when only the clergy could speak Latin and the plebes had to sit there in church wondering what the fuck everyone is talking about. It’s ultimately all about control. SEAN: The Church analogy in this is particularly apt because it’s the same mentality of, “I’m going to save you ignorant fools, but first I’m going to take your money.” I’ve noticed that a lot of the new-left Baby Boomers I knew growing up almost became clergy, so I quickly identified their political judgments as following the same framework as their Catholic training. GAVIN: The boomers think their love of atheism was the end of the Catholic/ Protestant beef but all they did was shift the duopoly. Now it’s Republican/ Democrat. The Internet generation doesn’t adhere to this us/them game. They make their minds up on a caseby-case basis depending on what the evidence is. I think that’s why Libertarianism has become so popular. People have finally realized it’s the ENTIRE government that’s fucked. SEAN: Julia Kristeva, the Structuralist philosopher who was a key figure in political correctness, ended up denouncing it saying her ideas were distorted by Americans, and that identity politics and political correctness in general were totalitarian. GAVIN: It drives me nuts when people say PC is a 90s thing and to bitch about it today is to rail at a paper tiger. Brett Ratner and Eddie Murphy just quit the Oscars because Brett was caught saying, “Rehearsals are for fags.” Hank Williams junior just got kicked off Monday Night Football for making a Hitler analogy. I was talking to
my nigga Ann Coulter about it the other day and she was joking about liberals eventually deciding the word “the” was racist. Then we both realized that had just happened in real life! Donald Trump was in shit because he had said he was good with “the blacks.” I feel like it’s my job to antagonize these PC censors until they fuck off for good. Like the bully from the Simpsons said to Bart, “If nobody’s getting mad, are you really being bad?” As far as I’m concerned, it ain’t shit ‘til it hits the fan. SEAN: This “kicking the hive” tactic is not unlike what’s going on with the Occupy movement or any non-violent protest that actually works. You go out there and provoke your enemy to make an embarrassing decision and then hopefully the broader society will see what’s going on. GAVIN: I was just saying this on the Fox News show “Red Eye.” Sure a lot of these kids are idiots and they have no idea who they’re even fighting against but the fact that this happened is in the history books now. So, if anyone talks about this awesome president Obama who saved the economy, someone can go, “Really, I remember there were a lot of riots and shit when he was president. I wouldn’t say it went smoothly.” The protesters in Greece were mad about tax cuts but there was no money there. Their rage was a little misdirected but that doesn’t matter because when people talk about governments running out of money, they can now say, “You want what happened in Greece to happen here?” It doesn’t matter that the Greek protests weren’t perfect. They will forever serve as a great example of what happens when bureaucrats spend all our money. SEAN: The word “hipster” has been used not unlike “nigger” or any other pejoratives increasingly to dismiss anything that is just the youth culture of the past decade. The word started popping up at the same time I was cracking out of the Punk scene & it just meant that you were someone who was into cool stuff. It’s over a decade since then which means that “hipster” should be over if it was a trend, but if we go with the idea that I was talking about, which is that “hipster” is more about the opening up of youth culture & being into whatever, not being a rigid conformist, but still dedicated to what is cool, then hipster should continue forever. GAVIN: The term hipster goes back to the 1940s. It means what it always meant, “predominantly young people with an enthusiastic interest in contemporary pop culture, specifically, music and fashion.” What goes back even farther is old people shaking their fists in the air and bitching about “The kids today.” It only seems different now because we didn’t used to hear old people doing this. They were at the factory or sitting at their local bar with all their grumpy friends. Today, old people still participate in youth culture. They have blogs & go to clubs & write articles for newspapers about Cerebral Ballzy. Most of my forty-something friends are still living with roommates & getting STDs on the weekend. The reason you hear more hipster-bashing than you heard punk-bashing or beatnik-bashing or any other youth-movement-bashing is the bashers are still in the mix & they have a much louder complaining voice. I should say that I am guilty of a lot of this too but at least I’m aware of it. It’s like the old construction worker from Brooklyn using “pretty boy” as an insult. He has to realize he’s criticizing a man for being attractive and young. SEAN: You have championed CRASS, which is funny but makes a lot of sense. The CRASS-hole Punks were usually the biggest politically correct pains in the ass in the scene, & yet, when you look at CRASS lyrics, there are lines that fall much more into self-determination/libertarian lines. CRASS also used a modified swastika for their logo (the PORK logo I made modifying the CRASS logo into sausages & letter “P”s has had people up in arms), had record plants refuse to cut their records, were banned from the British charts & all this, so they were into distorting Punk & popular culture to get kids to think, which is similar to what you’ve done. GAVIN: Crass attracted a lot of dogmatic pricks, even the band’s own members. Pete Wright, the bass player was a pedantic bore who was always calling Penny Rimbaud out on his lyrics. Pete had a problem with Penny saying gui-
tars are weapons because it was too violent. Pete recently tried to prevent the band from re-releasing their catalog because he felt it was dishonest or some stupid shit. And yes, there are a lot of commies in the anarchist movement which I’ll never understand. Communism killed 100 million people & you want more of it? You want more dumb strangers with authority meddling in your life? How is that anarchist? Overall however, Crass got it right. I visit Dial House regularly & still strongly identify with the lyrics to “White Punks on Hope.” I recently had the words carved into a big piece of wood on my back porch. Crass were about individual freedom & not getting caught up in the duopoly of Left and Right. “There is no authority but yourself” is about not letting people tell you what to do, especially the government.
WHITE PUNKS ON HOPE by CRASS “They said that we were trash / But the name is Crass not Clash / They can stuff their punk credentials / It’s them that take the cash They won’t change nothing with their fashionable talk Their RAR badges and their protest walk Thousands of white men standing in a park Objecting to racism like a candle in the dark Black man’s got his problems and his way to deal with it So don’t fool yourself you’re helping with your white liberal shit If you care to take a closer look at the way things really stand You’d see we’re all just niggers to the rulers of this land Punk was once an answer to years of crap A way of saying “nope” where we’d always said “yep” But the moment we found a way to be free They invented a dividing line, street credibility The qualifying factors are politics and class Left wing macho street fighters willing to kick arse They said because of racism they’d come out on the street It was just a form of fascism for the socialist elite Bigotry and blindness, a Marxist con Another clever trick to keep us all in line Neat little labels to keep us all apart To keep us all divided when the troubles start Pogo on a Nazi, Spit upon a Jew Vicious mindless violence that offers nothing new Left Wing violence, Right Wing violence all seems much the same Bully boys out fighting, it’s just the same old game Boring fucking politics will get us all shot Left wing, right wing, you can stuff the lot Keep your petty prejudice, I don’t see the point Anarchy and Freedom is what I want.” I was just with Gee Vaucher at Occupy Wall Street and she was giving some kid shit for having the Communist Manifesto on his table. He had a Crass shirt and had no idea who she was. I think a lot of their followers have no idea who they are. Actually, if you’d call yourself a “follower,” you already missed the point. SEAN: So, it’s 2012. The world is in crisis. There are people on the streets in major cities across the planet looking for solutions and many of them will be clinging to Socialism as the Great Hope. What do you have to say to the kids out there who are looking for a way to do things in the future? GAVIN: My motto is, “I don’t care if you don’t help me, just don’t hinder me.” Big Business annoys but they don’t hinder. The government hinders because you go to jail if you don’t buy their product. They’re like an overpriced store that sells invisible stuff it’s illegal not to buy. So, I’d like the kids today to develop a healthy hatred for government. After that, I would have to second the Canadian rock band Triumph when they yelled, “Follow your heart.” When Penny was asked if he had accomplished anything with Crass he said he hoped he’d taught kids to ask themselves, “Is the life you’re leading the one that you actually want to live?” Unlike Penny, I think you are who you are from birth but I love his idea of going with your gut and pursuing that no matter how crazy it is. Nobody’s less happy than the accountant who wanted to be a ballerina or the ballerina who wanted to be an accountant. When your gut tells you your calling, go fucking mental on it until it pays the bills. That won’t just make you happier. That is happiness.
New York City in the 70s, Punk Rock&Roll, comics & magazines as art are all core elements of the PORK thing. This guy John Holmstrom is made up of all that; he showed me the way when I was a kid. Holmstrom’s PUNK magazine was the bridge from the parody & satire culture of MAD Magazine to the Punk Rock&Roll culture. Taking the vehicle of 60s underground comix & mixing it with that raw early Punk Rock&Roll energy as embodied by the Dictators & the Ramones & all that grease, sleaze, slime & cheese of New York City in the 70s, Holmstrom invented our whole enchilada: a magazine that was like reading a record. I recently saw some hysterical graphic that said, “That’s Not Punk, That’s Stupid!” That’s just it, just like the Ramones, the Dictators, PUNK magazine, PORK magazine, the pose is right on the line. Stupidity can be a vehicle for intelligence. Lots of people don’t get that, because they’re actually stupid instead of conceptually stupid. You get it, that’s why you’re reading this.
SEAN: You got your start as an assistant to two legendary comics figures; Will Eisner & Harvey Kurtzman. In the case of Kurtzman, I’ve always felt there was a something like a “passing of the torch” there. JOHN: Actually, I was a published comic book writer/artist before I was a student of theirs, I drew a thing called DomeLand that came out right before I took classes from the two of them at SVA. So that was apparently my start. But definitely, I learned a lot from being a student and then an assistant to both of them. I like to think that both of those guys tried to pass the torch to me. Will and Harvey both singled me out as someone with a lot of potential and supported everything I did. For instance, Will Eisner loaned his huge, beautiful office desk to PUNK magazine! Also, he was very enthusiastic about the potential of the underground, he was like the world’s biggest supporter of underground comics. Not many people even realize that Will contributed to publications like Al Goldstein’s National Screw magazine. I have to admit that Harv was a bigger influence on me. When I first took their classes I was leaning more towards working for Marvel and doing serious comic strips, sword and sorcery or superhero stuff. But after meeting the cartoonists and caricaturists like Arnold Roth, David Levine and Robert Grossman that Harvey brought in to show us how they worked made me realize that this kind of work actually commanded more respect, and money, and influence in the real world. So I decided to model myself more on Jack Davis than Jack Kirby. (Although Jack Kirby is still the guy I go back to for inspiration.) SEAN: I read that you choose to work in the “underground” as opposed to the alternative or the mainstream. I also read that you wanted PUNK & most likely all of your projects to be BIG SUCCESSES So what does “underground” mean? JOHN: Harvey and Will were both pushing the underground as the future of the comics industry when I was taking their classes back then. You got to remember, this was 1973 to 1974, when the most successful publications in the US were Rolling Stone, Hustler and High Times, and when Marvel Comics was publishing an underground comics digest called “Comix Book” and everyone was trying to figure out why the underground was successful while the mainstream was fading. It was a different world. This was still before the hippie underground managed to fumble the ball out of bounds. SEAN: You’ve got a whole line of stuff in Japan, I sometimes get mad that the Japanese seem to “get it” more than Americans do, is any of that stuff for sale in the USA? Did I see a PUNK SODA? What does that taste like? JOHN: Japan is like an alternate universe where everything I like rules. Did you know they sell beer in vending machines there? If they tried to do that here in the USA, people would break into the machines and steal the beer, teenagers would
The Ramones “Rocket to Russia” was the second Punk record I ever bought, half for the awesome back cover & lyric sheet cartoons by John Holmstrom.
go crazy and buy out the machine and get drunk and drunk drive, and there would be a national scandal and beer in vending machines would end. Japanese people are just so much cooler. Cool stuff always goes over big in Japan first, it seems -- everyone from the New York Dolls to the Runaways to the Ramones all became popular over there, in fact PUNK magazine had a sizable following there in early 1976! That always baffled me, but it just seems that the Japanese people appreciate US culture a lot more than our own people. I’m working on a comic book right now with a band called Peelander-Z who work here in the US and are based in NYC. They are an amazing live act and everyone who sees them sees that, I never see anyone bored at their shows. I’m also working with an amazing Japanese band called 50 Kaitenz, they understand my work better than anyone ever. These guys, and other Japanese punk rock bands, should be taking over the rock culture here, since they are fun and entertaining! But instead, rock and roll seems to be dying. Anyhow, back to your other questions? The “Punk Drink” is kind of a weak lemonade, I have to admit that it was a real thrill for me to design the drink cans. The same Japanese company, Moussy, also made some jewelry that included the PUNK logo out of gold! Another company, Tachibana, made six different motorbike helmet designs with my work, as well as an amazing box for them. There has also been PUNK magazine/John Holmstrom blue jeans, belts, t-shirts, baseball caps, coats, earplugs, keychains... My work in Japan has been the most amazing experience in my life, but it’s frustrating that no one here reacts to it much, even die-hard punk fans just do not seem to care that this amazing stuff is out there. I am just lucky to work with Morrison & Co., who do a great job over there. SEAN: So the first Dictators record led to PUNK magazine, that’s probably one of the best records ever recorded, but in the Dictators & in the RAMONES & in PUNK, there is something that the rest of the country didn’t get. I feel like those things are all TRUE AMERICANISM, like the soul of this country laid bare. PUNK & Bosko comics are like Rock & Roll meets MAD magazine, which to me, is about as American as you can get. I mean, what gives? JOHN: I am glad you agree with me that the first Dictators LP is an amazing record. It still makes me laugh when I listen to it today! And it’s frustrating to try to talk with The Dictators about it, because they hate it! They think that first record is amateurish, silly, and denigrates their talents as musicians and songwriters. Hello? That’s why we love it! True, it’s not produced very well, but so much great music wasn’t produced on a high level, in fact, most bad music was over-produced. If you have a brain, you can see the talent behind the music. It’s approachable, funny and captures the true spirit of real rock ‘n’ roll without being nostalgic (unlike, say, Sha Na Na, which was just recycling 1950s stuff although they were insanely popular in the 1970s). But that was a big part of the reason why punk rock never took off in the USA. The Dictators tried to distance themselves from punk rock. I remember Andy Shernoff telling me in CBGBs how punk was going nowhere, so the Dictators next record would be heavy metal. The Ramones tried to distance themselves from punk rock. When Rocket to Russia came out, Sire Records put out a press release headlined: “DON’T CALL IT PUNK.” Blondie, who were to me the first pop-punk band, was pushed as a “new wave” band. “Punk” was a dirty word. My favorite band has always been Alice Cooper, to me they were pure punk rock (Johnny Rotten, who lip-synched to “I’m Eighteen” for his Sex Pistols audition would agree, as would Joey Ramone, who was a huge fan of Alice and tried to pull off
the theatrical thing when he was in Sniper, before the Ramones). Anyhow, Alice would do this thing for his big hit “Elected,” he’d wave the flag and “run for president” after putting on a show of pure depravity: “Dead Babies,” “Eighteen” etc. Alice would say something about how the USA was sick and screwed up, but that was WHY he loved it. Basically, I think he was saying that you were ALLOWED to be a fucked up person, you were allowed to be a sex pervert, drug addict, misfit and/or screw-up in this great country of ours. And that’s always been my guiding principle. It’s why I love this country. We’re tolerant of weirdness. It wasn’t “cool” to be patriotic in the 1970s, even though we were, which is ironic since apparently the US government spent a lot of resources to suppress us! I guess they we so used to the antiAmerican thrust of 1960s rock music that they just could not handle the idea that 1970s rock music would be as apolitical as we were. SEAN: Kids in my highschool aspired to be bank tellers & insurance salesmen, if they aspired to anything, & this reflected itself in the non-culture of the youth, if they had decided to start burger joints, run music venues, publish magazines, make ice-cream, manufacture toys, make mini-golf spots or invent the next CocaCola, this country wouldn’t be in such a shitty situation & I think they’d understand PUNK magazine & the RAMONES. John, I read in “Human Being Lawnmower” that you wanted to TAKE OVER THE WORLD, me too! How do we do this? JOHN: Hey, it’s not as if the kids I went to high school with were any cooler. If I had done a head count and applied it across the country, I probably would have realized how small our audience would be. I do get asked this kind of thing all the time, as if what we did was produced in some kind of Utopian universe. Look, here’s the thing: aside for a few years in the 1960s, rock ‘n’ roll and its associated weirdness has never been accepted by the mainstream. PUNK sold 20,000 copies at our height, and even the most successful fanzines in the 1980s and 1990s never seemed to be able to break the 100,000 barrier. I didn’t know all of this when I started the magazine, but on the other hand like I said, it seemed like all things were possible in the early 1970s. The culture wasn’t in the huge rut it’s been in since the 1980s. We were convinced that, like Hugh Hefner (who started Playboy with $500), or the underground comics publishers (who sold hundreds of thousands of comic books in the late 1960s and early 1970s), or Al Goldstein, who started Screw magazine in the early 1970s, that we could achieve the American Dream. The last time people felt this way about being able to create a successful business was in the 1980s and 1990s, when the home computer created the video games industry and Websites. I know people still think they can make money from the Internet, but no one thinks they can start a new Apple Computer company or an Amazon.com. So, yes, it’s very sad that America is losing our dreamers and visionaries and believers.
Holmstrom comic from PUNK Magazine. Notice “PORK” magazine second from the right on top! This comic itself is an homage to a classic MAD magazine gag.
JOHN: Thanks for asking, Sean! Harper Books is publishing it under its new It Books imprint. I have to say that from the page proofs I’ve seen, I feel like a lot of material will finally be viewed in its original quality. Even though we always strived to present material with printers who cared and on good paper and all, the quality of 1970s printing press technology just didn’t match the work we gave them. I like to think the rise of rock photography as fine art is in part due to our attempt to make rock ‘n’ roll a visual art, as well an an aural experience. I always thought PUNK magazine was part art, part comics, part social document and part rock mag, and that we did our best with the art and comics part. The main reason I did the book with Harper is that I am hoping they can get our best material out to the general public at a decent price. The stuff we are publishing really is the “Best Of PUNK magazine,” I don’t think we’re leaving anything out and thanks to them we will have a wide distribution for the book. Plus, they allowed me a bunch of pages to tell the behind-the-scenes stories about what it was like to work on PUNK, like when Johnny Ramone wanted to scratch out part of every page in PUNK #3, or what it was like to work with Chris Stein of Blondie (who to me is the most talented guy in the history of rock ‘n’ roll).
SEAN: You mentioned that you’re working on a new PUNK book! What can we expect from that & who is publishing it?
SEAN: Are the video-game reviews you did for HEAVY METAL or the stuff you did for Scholastic reprinted anywhere? Did you do stuff for Bananas, Dynamite! or Hot Dog! magazines? What was the deal with Jovial Bob “Goosebumps” Stine? JOHN: Oh man, it was so great to work with Bob! He was the smartest guy I ever worked with, he taught me more about humor than anyone else (yeah, even Harvey or Will--but remember, I worked with Bob for over ten years). I think the fact that he became such a successful horror writer (thanks to Goosebumps), underlines the relationship between humor and horror. When you think about it, both rely on punchlines: one makes you laugh, the other makes you scared. A clown, a jack-in-the-box and a zombie eating human flash all seem to elicit different reactions from people--even Santa Claus scares little children. Harvey Kurtzman once asked us to make the most shocking comic strip we could come up with. I wrote and drew the most disgusting, foul, absurd, scandalous and ridiculous thing I could do. He loved it! But most people didn’t find it very funny. I think back in the day we enjoyed the humor/horror interface more: I’m watching “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” TV show reruns as I write this, and our greatest suspense/ horror filmmaker was always aware of the fine line between the two. The HBO show “True Blood” also seems to relish in the relationship between scary and funny. Anyhow, the video game reviews and other material I did in the 1970s and 1980s has never been reprinted, maybe I’ll try to publish it after the PUNK book comes out. I have to admit it was a lot of fun to produce that stuff. You know, my job in the early 1980s was to hang out in video arcades and play the latest video games! what could have been more fun and interesting? The thing is, I thought (and hoped) that video games would be viewed as a new art form and that I was covering a marriage of video and computer art. Unfortunately, they still seem to be treated as an amusement--like a Ferris Wheel, pinball machine or a roller coaster--instead of an art form. Which to me is a bit weird since video games feature content that, to me, should place them in a more literary context than sideshows or amusements. (Especially since circus sideshows have a lot of art cred lately.) Ironically, I was covering the early video game scene as an art form while the “East Village Art Scene” was exploding around me, and I spent a lot more time in the Times Square area playing games than in the Village looking at art! But I never thought that most of the crap in the galleries was “art,” really. I always thought that the video games dealt with concepts and themes that related to our life on Earth at the time while most East Village “art” was decoration or worse, a scam. Hype. Garbage. It’s funny, but a lot of fine artists agree with me that the gallery scene is a corrupt and fucked-up scene. But damn, I was so stupid. If I had sided with the hype artists and promoters I’d probably be a famous artist today. Instead, all I did was launch one of the most influential art/music scenes of the 20th century... I’ve read several books about the scene and think to myself: “Damn! Why didn’t you just kiss the right ass and make money?” I am such an idiot, really. But I guess that kind of sums up my career... I just hope that someday people will understand what I was trying to do. Even if it wasn’t “art” to most people, I think my work has always been creative, inventive, original and different. I am very proud of that, since most “art” is derivative, unoriginal, uninspiring and boring. And definitely no fun. I’ve had fun. Especially playing Donkey Kong while considering its cultural implications.
BLITZKRIEG BUTTONS $2 for 1.25” $2.50 for 2.25” So many designs! The best buttons in the whole world! You best believe! Cool Kids Know! Banana Split! PORK BUTTON $3 for 2
You need lots of buttons! Show the world what you read! PORK logo & PORKU on 1.25” Blitzkrieg Button.
PORK TOTE $10
Need more tote bags! Totally cute PORK logo tote, perfect size for the magazine! Black tote with magenta PORK logo.
PORK T-SHIRT $15
Super bold t-shirts with iconic PORK logo. People will look & know or they will wonder what the hell your deal is. You’ll be all, “Yeah Punkass, PORK. What now?” WOMENS: Pink with black PORK logo (S-L) MENS: Black with pink PORK logo (M-XL) Pink with black PORK logo (S-L)
BUBBLEGUM CARDS & STICKERS $2 per pack
Exciting packs of trashy entertainment! Monsters, Weirdos & Creeps II, Pizza Party & Sticker Please! Awesome Weirdo Art by Sean Äaberg. We’ve got lots of other bubblegum cards for sale online so check it out! porkmagazine.bigcartel.com
COLORING BOOK & COMIC BOOKS! $3 a pop
The Sean Äaberg coloring book! You could go crazy coloring this stuff! Pipu Comics are GOBLINKO’S longest running project! We got two newish episodes: Pipu’s Eye & Pipu’s Detective Agency! Wacky adventures in ridiculous worlds populated by stupid people.
BOBBY MADNESS COMIX! $5 a pop
We got five issues of REAL MADNESS by BOBBY MADNESS! Fucked up, crazy comics like they’re supposed to be. Not for nerds, wimps or weiner butts.
PORK STICKERS $2 for 6
At least six large color vinyl stickers
PORK POSTCARDS $2 for 6
Six postcards featuring this issue’s cover of PORK taking over the moon for 2012!
ORDERING: You can order online at porkmagazine.bigcartel.com. Or you can paypal PORK by specifying what you want to firstname.lastname@example.org or you can send well concealed cash or check to GOBLINKO pobox 12044 Eugene OR 97440 USA. All prices for USA only & include shipping. Foreigners please get in touch before ordering!!! QUESTIONS? SEAN@INTERNETPORK.COM
PORK’S BACK PAGE FUNNIES
DRANKEN THEMS BUBBLE GUM POP. This is the PORK version of a New Yorker comic.
good morneeng, mAH zzweet honeyzzz! AH am here to pollinate you!
buzz off creep!
don’ make me zzteeng you!
you zay no, but mother nature zayzz oui!
by Katie & Sean Äaberg
costumes by Allihalla
what a drone!
Nick, Alli & Miranda well then i weell go pork zee queen again!
weell you bee mine?
no! you bumbling bee!
that bee is never getting in my petals!
SEE YOU IN THE SPRING!
Faites l’amour pas la guerre au pain.
rs! o l a
by Katie & Sean Äaberg
Où est l’étrangeté d’antan?
hair & makeup by Amelia Hart Ne vous laissez pas fraîche avec mon pain.
N PA Miranda
costumes by Allihalla
La Petite Boulangerie