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ROCK&ROLL+WEIRDO ART+BAD IDEAS

FREE! fall #4

Shannon&theClams-Wax Idols-the Hamburglars-Cyclops Personal&thePizzas-Back to School Juvenile Delinquency


WANTED! MORE READERS LIKE: MIMI BOUTIQUETTE!!! MIMI

fall 2011 issue 4 I WAS THE FIRST KID IN MY SCHOOL TO GET GARBAGE PAIL KIDS. I BOUGHT A BOX OF THEM AT THIS FIVE & DIME CALLED “FREEWAY VARIETY” IN MONTCLAIR. THE BRIGHT PINK WRAPPERS WITH A KID BLOWING UP HIS HEAD INTO A MUSHROOM CLOUD SAID EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED AT AGE 9. I WAS READING MAD MAGAZINE & TAPING DR. DEMENTO OFF OF THE RADIO EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT. THAT’S WHERE I HEARD THE RAMONES FOR THE FIRST TIME, THE DR. PLAYED “BEAT ON THE BRAT”, FOREVER CHANGING MY LIFE. GARBAGE PAIL KIDS FIT INTO THE WHOLE PACKAGE PERFECTLY. LIKE MAD & DR. DEMENTO, GARBAGE PAIL KIDS WERE THE SUPERMARKET EQUIVALENT OF THE UNDERGROUND ART WORLD, EXCEPT MAYBE BETTER BECAUSE THEY HAD TOP OF THE LINE ARTISTS & NOT AS MUCH B.S. AS THOSE FREUDIAN FLAKE COMIX ARTISTES. TOO YOUNG FOR CARS & GIRLS, MY WORLD WAS DOMINATED BY GROSSNESS, WEIRDNESS, BAD JOKES & THE RESIDUAL SLIME OF THE OLD WORLD. AT SOME POINT I FOUND OUT THAT THE THIRD GARBAGE PAIL KIDS SERIES HAD BEEN RELEASED SO I WENT TO FREEWAY VARIETY TO GET SOME PACKS BUT THEY WEREN’T ON THE COUNTER WHERE THEY NORMALLY WERE. I ASKED THE GRANNY WORKING THE FRONT WHERE THEY WERE & SHE GAVE ME THIS TERRIBLE, TWISTED UP GAS FACE & SAID, “THOSE ARE BANNED! WHY WOULD YOU WANT THOSE SICK THINGS ANYHOW? DISGUSTING!” FREEWAY VARIETY WAS THE ONLY STORE I KNEW THAT CARRIED GARBAGE PAIL KIDS &

Mimi is part of the art glitterati of London’s Hackney borough. Oi Mimi! She sells Golliwogs & Trolls to vintage shops to support her decadent lifestyle. Mimi has very cool tattoos & her best friend is a drag queen who looks like Amy Winehouse! Mimi was telling me about how disgusting Scottish food is, & how the riots in Hackney were no big deal because “every day shit’s on fire.”

ILIANA ILIANA VERA!!!

Iliana is a Burlesque Dancer & fashion student from Texas! Howdy Iliana! She dances as “Frostine Shake” & yes, fries come with that shake! Iliana was telling me that she won a jalapeno eating contest when she was 12 & that Dee Dee is her favorite Ramone! (mine too) Iliana says, “Up the Dolly Parton Punks!”

PORK STORE. “Let’s Shopping!”

I WAS FURIOUS, CONFUSED & DEVASTATED. BUT I ALSO HAD A COUPLE DOLLARS BURNING A HOLE IN MY POCKET SO I BOUGHT A PAIR OF NEON LUCKY RABBIT’S FEET & GOT OUT OF THERE. UP UNTIL THAT POINT MY INTERACTIONS WITH CRANKY “DO-GOODERS” HAD BEEN LIMITED. THERE WAS THE TIME WE WERE ALL “SMOKING” BUBBLEGUM CIGARETTES IN THE PARK & THIS YUPPIE DAD THOUGHT WE WERE SMOKING REAL CIGARETTES & CHEWED US OUT, BUT YOU COULD STILL SMOKE IN STORES. THERE WAS STILL KIND OF AN UNDERSTANDING ABOUT THE WAY THE WORLD WAS, BEFORE THE SQUARES REALLY STARTED PUSHING THEIR AGENDA ON EVERYONE. IT HAPPENED QUICKLY, VIDEO GAMES WERE TAKEN OUT OF STORES TO DISCOURAGE LOITERING, U2 BECAME THE FACE OF ROCK&ROLL, COMIC BOOK RACKS MOVED FROM THE CORNER STORE TO THE COMIC STORE, TO BE GUARDED BY CHILD-HATING NERDS, WHO WOULD BE SLOWLY TAKING OVER EVERY ASPECT OF SOCIETY. FAST-FORWARD TO NOW, I’M 35, MARRIED WITH THREE SONS & THE PENCIL-NECKED GUARDIANS OF PUBLIC MORALITY ARE AT IT MORE THAN EVER! WHAT’S EVEN WORSE IS THAT IT’S NOT JUST WRINKLED OLD PRUNES SHAKING THEIR FINGERS AT ME, IT’S KIDS HALF MY AGE, HORDES OF UPTIGHT LISA SIMPSONS MAKING THE WORLD SAFE, OR ELSE! NOT JUST BIBLE THUMPING FIBER EATERS, BUT SEX POSITIVE VEGETARIAN ATHEISTS! I HAVE DEDICATED MY LIFE TO THIS SUPERMARKET SUBVERSION, KEEPING THINGS A LITTLE DIRTY, A LITTLE RUDE, A LITTLE MEAN, A LITTLE BELOW THE BORSCHT BELT, IN THE FACE OF OVERWHELMING NAMBY-PAMBYISM & SUPER SQUAREDOM! ROCK & RULE! -SEAN

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SEAN ÄABERG: Der SchweinReich Führer KATIE ÄABERG: PHOTOGRAPHY. 10K$ IDEAS. MANAGEMENT. CONTRIBUTORS: THEO AUER, MAIYA BECKER, ERIK den BREEJEN, ALLISON DITSON, AMELIA HART, CHARLES KRAFFT, BOBBY MADNESS, JASON McKAY, DANIEL SHOUP, THE ILLAGE VIDIOT. MODELS: BAILEY ASHBECK, AARON CHESTER, ALLISON DITSON, DREW, AMELIA HART, MIRANDA JENEE, Gabriela Ladrón de Guevara. PORK is published quarterly by GOBLINKO. SIX ISSUE SUBSCRIPTIONS ARE AVAILABLE FOR $18 PORK #4: 8000 PRINT RUN SPECIAL THANKS: Nick & Danny Krause, our advertisers & street soldiers! WANNA ADVERTISE? CONTACT SEAN@INTERNETPORK.COM or CALL 541*556*5778 FOR PORK’S REASONABLE RATES! PORK/GOBLINKO is available as a full-service ad agency & Think Tank. From video games to TV spots to political strategies. STAND OUT FROM THE CROWD WITH GOBLINKO! ALL CONTENT COPYRIGHT © 2011 GOBLINKO. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 2 OVER TEN.

“I like the way people react to the swastika paintings - people freak out. The paintings are a closet Nazi detector, you know? They bring out the Nazi in you if you’re a closet Nazi, because the people that are gonna be offended are the ones that have something to hide. The people that act so defensively are always the people who are closet fascists. That’s why the paintings are so beautiful - you find out.” -Arturo Vega, ramones artist.


Gewalttätigen & Zierlichen

by Sean Äaberg

You’re about to witness the strength of sweet knowledge.

IRON CROSS NECKLACE In my webinar & pamphlet “How To Be Tough”, the Iron Cross necklace is a key element. Darby Crash, Lemmy, Ed “Big Daddy” Roth, Brian Connolly (The Sweet), Tina Lucchesi, the Red Baron, Adolf Hitler & yours truly have all been seen wearing the Iron Cross. Surfers, Hodads, skaters, bikers & other outdoorsmen have all rocked the Iron Cross. There was a Red Baron craze in the 60s & 70s, I’m not sure if it was because of Snoopy & Peanuts or what, but it was a thing & that red airplane emblazoned with a huge, black Iron Cross was the coolest looking thing I’d ever seen. The Iron Cross is 100% German so a lot of people hate on it, but that makes it EVEN COOLER!

RAT & MARTIAN FINK CHARMS Ed “Big Daddy” Roth & co. made these little gumball machine charms in the 60s. You can still find the old ones for absurdly inflated prices or you can buy the Rat Fink one new from Moon Eyes. Plastic lasts forever so what’s 40 years between friends? Anyhow, people lament the White man’s lack of culture, but you know what? These are our folk gods & I can’t imagine anything else holding a candle to them. Mazooma! mooneyes.com ARCHIE COMICS Every time I go into a comic shop, something that shouldn’t even exist, I want to burn the place down. All these stupid comics! I hate comics! But, I love Archie! I am forced to go into comic shops to search the quarter bins for old Archies so that my sons will have endless bad jokes & dating strategies for the pre-pubescent years. If I had paid attention to the lessons in Archie I would have had even more girls on my arms in highschool, but I was too busy reading the Sea Monkeys ads. CANDY CIGARETTES People make a big deal about cigarettes these days, but to me, it’s not just how long you live, but how you live also. The joie de vivre is key & my grandma smoked her whole life & died in her 90s. Candy cigarettes are just about as cool as the real ones & cost a lot less & being bubble gum replicas of tobacco products, are STREET & SWEET.

SLURFIES Falling into the “Jiggler” category of toys, Slurfies were cheap little rubber monsters with long snouts from the 70s. I always had a few bins of weird little plastic toys as a kid & Slurfies would be in there, along with the Rubber Uglies, bendies, monster finger puppets, Frankenstein & torture victim Jigglers, farm animals, cowboys & indians, dinosaurs & green army men. This is when the American familyowned “5 & Dime” store was still in full swing & they catered as much to little kids with a pocket full of change as they did to grannies who needed a screw for their glasses or moms who needed Halloween decorations. Point being, you or I could start a toy company making these.

GARBAGE CAN-DY by TOPPS The Topps Company, creators of Bazooka gum, has had a long history of making the coolest, weirdest & stupidest little candies, bubblegum cards & toys. A lot of this stuff was made under the art direction of Art “Maus” Spiegelman who worked at Topps from 1966 to 1989. Garbage Can-Dy was particuarly cool because the candy was shaped like little skeletal fish, old shoes, rusty cans, bones & bottles. The current version of Garbage Can-dy isn’t a proper old garbage can, but one of the new, square rolly dustbins on wheels like all of us have.

PYRAMID SPIKES Nickle Pearce at studsandspikes.com has created a new screw-back pyramid spike that rules! I can’t handle how cool they are. These pyramid spikes are so heavy & tough, all the nerds & squares will fear you when you’ve got them stuck in your jacket. Fix up a bracelet with these pyramid studs & that weight will get you going, keeping them pencil-necks at a distance so they don’t breathe on you.

SID VICIOUS BENDY Is this even real? This is like those Easter Bunny & Santa Klaus bendies, except it’s SID VICIOUS. WITH A SWASTIKA T-SHIRT. I DECLARE THAT THIS MYSTICAL ITEM MUST BE FOUND & GIVEN TO ME. THE SID VICIOUS BENDY MUST BE LAID AT MY FEET! ALONG WITH HIS ORIGINAL “R” LOCK NECKLACE & “I’M A MESS BUTTON”. THESE ROCK & ROLL RELICS MUST BE CONTAINED IN THE CATHEDRAL OF ROCK & ROLL!!! ALSO, THE FINGER OF LITTLE RICHARD!!!

LUCKY RABBIT’S FOOT It’s kinda weird that this old Hoodoo magic talisman was a common item for sale in variety stores for so long, but there it was. I was always weirdly obsessed with lucky rabbit’s feet, especially the ones that were dyed wild colors. Anyhow, the Lucky Rabbit’s Foot really does bring luck! You can put some aromatic oil called Van Van on there to attain the next level, giving you magical protection, opening the road to new prospects & reversing bad luck to good. This is powerful NEGRO MAGIC. Get yours from luckymojo.com

CAFFEINE PILLS GOBLINKO, the production company that creates PORK magazine, was built on the incredible use of caffeine pills for mind expansion & acceleration. We’d get so caffeinated we’d travel into the future psychically. When you get enough caffeine coursing through your veins, you can start to project your consciousness out of the front of your forehead. No Doz are perfectly fine, but we used to get our caffeine pills from bulk pharmaceutical companies in red & black capsules. They also sold blues, blacks & yellows. “Coffee makes us severe, & grave, & philosophical.” ~Jonathan Swift

WAYNE/JAYNE COUNTY

When I was a kid & just wanted to be a Road Warrior type Punk, I didn’t really get what Punk Rock was really about. The older I get, the more I get it. Wayne/Jayne County is about as Punk Rock as they come, a transsexual from Georgia, County got her start in Warhol’s factory, acting in PORK (do your research & learn more about what this magazine comes from) which helped to kick off Glam/Glitter & ultimately PUNK. County went on to smash Dick Manitoba’s face with a mic-stand in a drug-fueled misunderstanding & is still carrying on today!

HOT DOGS

I’m a hot dog evangelist. The hot dog represents some kind of alchemical transformation of the worst parts of meat, ground up in the manner of our German ancestors & processed, not unlike Frankenstein’s monster, into something unto itself. Upon arriving in America, the hot dog was immediately sold at ball games, with a bun so that you didn’t burn your hands. Like so many things that have been passed over as mundane, a lot of people don’t really get that hot dogs can be REALLY GOOD & there is a proper & correct hot dog waiting for you out there. Hot dogs should be made out of beef or pork, no poultry, that’s bullshit. The hot dog should SNAP when you bite it. That means that the skin is still on there. Skinless hot dogs, like ketchup on hot dogs, are for the feeble minded. Hot dogs should also be pretty cheap, $3 & under on the street. God smiles on the hot dog eater.

PENCIL NECK GEEK by “CLASSY” FRED BLASSIE

People used to understand the world: men were men, girls were girls & geeks were geeks. At some point, maybe when the government passed acid out to every baby boomer in college, the world got turned on its head. In these topsy turvy times, you gotta look in weird places for wisdom, I have a book of “The Wit & Wisdom of Captain Lou Albano”, & here, on Fred Blassie’s “Pencil Neck Geek” record, we are reminded that the geeks will poison the water just by being drowned in it. “They say geeks come a dime a dozen, i’m lookin’ for the guy who’s supplyin’ the dimes.”


!

ER TIM G E! R U ! B by Sean Äaberg

MAYOR McCHEESE Back in the early 70s, H.R. Pufnstuf was so popular that McDonalds decided to hire Sid & Marty Krofft to design them a whole McDonald’s land modeled after the show. For some reason McDonald’s bailed on the Krofft brothers but somehow managed to release something that looks like burgers mixed with the Krofft characters. Mayor McCheese is modeled after H.R. Pufnstuf himself! HAMBURGER HELPER I cook 90% of the meals for my family of five, me & Katie & the three boys. I understand cooking fatigue. I don’t think it’s in my blood to use Hamburger Helper cos it’s such a damn easy meal to make anyhow, I don’t need a box. Sort of like that Stovetop stuffing in a box, which I don’t use either. Who the hell just eats stuffing anyhow? What’s the deal with that? Eat a f*cking burger.

EN ROBBLED!

HELP! I’VE BE

NEIL HAMBURGER A hamburger should be juicy, flavorful, cheap & cheesy, like the ideal one-night stand. This Hamburger is dry, uncomfortable, sweaty, nervous, coughing, awkward & unpleasant, sort of like Robert Crumb. Neil Hamburger is the master of bad comedy, sort of like Norm McDonald x 10. Lately he has been getting into twitter wars with Britney Spears’ fans. @neilhamburger

lars in McDonald Land I met with the Hamburgby eating six McDonald’s using astral projectionards & saying the magic cheeseburgers backw666 times. The Hamwords “robble robble” Rock” or “Robble & Roll” burglars play “Robble e in Chicago. & are currently on parol

SEAN: Robble Robble. Ummm robble rob BassburMICBURGLAR: Rob-rob! Robble rob robble-obble rob robblety rob. lars. Hamburg rob robblety lar Micburg and rglar Guitarbu glar, glar, Drumbur SEAN: How did the Hamburglars come together? robble bar BASSBURGLAR: Robble rob robble robble rob cheesburger robble robble rob rob.

and ummmm

GUITARBURGLAR: Cheeseburger Cheeseburger!

TWO TRIPLE CHEESE SIDE ORDER OF FRIES This stomper by Commander Cody is notable because it has one of the best music videos ever made & it is about the old Kwik-Way that I grew up obsessing over. The East Bay has a special relationship with grease, as championed by Tower of Power & Commander Cody reinforces this ancient blood pact.

SEAN: What’s a typical day in the life of the Hamburglars? MICBURGLAR: Ohhhh robble ... hmmm ... robble rob robblers and robbles, a lil’ robbling rob-bobbling and uhhhhh ... robble. GUITARBURGLAR: Cheeseburger Cheeseburger! SEAN: What tapes do you guys have in your Hamburglar van?

JUGHEAD JONES Forsythe “Jughead” Pendleton Jones III is the burgerobsessed, non-conformist from Archie comics that we all know & love. A human Garfield mixed with Jerry Lewis, Jughead is Archie’s Punk Rocker & the drummer of “the Archies”. You can just see him putting on a Sonics or Dickies record at home as he kicks up his Converse clad feet & reads MAD magazine. BURGER PILLOW We got one of these in Japan Town a million years ago & luckily for you they’re still making them. THEY. You know, nothing says relaxing like a Burger Pillow. All three of our sons have slept with the burger pillow & it’s still not gross or falling apart. That’s quality. Burger Quality. Do burger pillows give you burger dreams? I don’t think I’ve ever dreamt of burgers. Hmmmmmmm.

RGLARS!

by THE HAMBU

DRUMBURGLAR: Robble rob rob rob, ummmm robble “Peelander-Z” “Amino Acids” “International Espionage” ... ummm BASSBURGLAR: “Goblins” “Larroquettes” robble rob, anything that robbles. MICBURGLAR: “FOGHAT”! SEAN: Does Dr. Demento know about you guys? BASSBURGLAR: Robble rob, not yet. Robble rob rob robble rob Demento. SEAN: Do you guys watch HR Pufnstuf? MICBURGLAR: Rob robblety rob rob, robble rob-ob-ob robble, BIG Robble. Robblin’ Witchty-Poo ... that robblin’ robble. Ehhhh, robble rob Banana Splits!

DRUMBURGLAR: Robble re-runs rob robble. SEAN: McDonald’s burgers are more like savory pastries than real burgers, what are your favorite burgers to steal?

Delfino? Does this mean the Hamburglars are Italian? I thought you were Jewish. MICBURGLAR: Oh, robble rob rob Frankie robble “Little Cigars” robble rob rob.

GUITARBURGLAR: Cheeseburger Cheeseburger!

BASSBURGLAR: Robble Pope funny hat? Ummmmm, robble me & Micburglar.

DRUMBURGLAR: Robble w/bacon Robble! SEAN: Who is the “Lone Jogger”?

DRUMBURGLAR: Robbletoff! Robble no ... but robble rob, rob robble rob, robble robble nice hats.

MICBURGLAR: Robble?

GUITARBURGLAR: Burgesa Con Queso!

GUITARBURGLAR: Cheeseburger Cheeseburger!

SEAN: Have you been to jail for all this robbling?

DRUMBURGLAR: Rob rob robble rob rob, robble robble robble.

BASSBURGLAR: Robble shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

SEAN: What do you guys know about Frankie

SEAN: Robble Robble.


hether fortune& The Wax Idols are Hether Fortune’s latest project. We’ve had this record on constant rotation since we got it, NO FUTURE immediately put me in this imaginary world of subcultures that I dreamt of as a kid, listening to the Buzzcocks, the Stranglers & the Cure’s late 70s/early 80s output. Tight pants, white dress shirts, winklepickers, wool overcoats & lots of hair, cloves & scooter rides in the cemetery. Hether is a great pop writer & distinct vocalist & all the little harmonies on NO FUTURE put the record over the top. I caught up with Hether at the Edible Complex, 1987 where I’d been drinking His cup after cup of coffee & waiting for & Hunx in were you so SEAN: Okay, for drums playing something to happen. Punx and The Bare Wires both bands before heading out on your own yeah? HETHER: Almost right. I played drums in Bare Wires, lead guitar in Hunx. I started Blasted Canyons while I was in Hunx & His Punx still, and had been doing solo stuff for years. But I didn’t actually START Wax Idols until a month or so after I got kicked out of Hunx. Haha. SEAN: How much do you wanna play up your “attitude problem”? Cos I like to work with my interviewees on their concept of themselves. HETHER: It’s up to you. It’s not something that I want to be the MAIN FOCUS of everything anyone writes about me, but its gonna come up. Naturally. SEAN: I think there are more interesting ways of getting into it, not so much what other people’s perception of you is, because who cares, but really, pushing forwards the idea that having a personality is unusual these days. HETHER: Agreed. Ya, I get tired of saying “I honestly don’t care what anybody thinks of me.” Haha. So if you wanna skip that part and get into some other stuff, that’s cool. SEAN: It’s 2011, we haven’t really had this time period plotted out for us in terms of science fiction or whatever, & I feel like this is evident in the total lack of vision of how things should look or feel. How do you want things to be RIGHT NOW? HETHER: Uhhhh, how do I want things to be right now... Jesus. the POLAR OPPOSITE of how they are? Teleportation devices should exist, that’s for sure. SEAN: That would make touring a lot easier! any time REALLY HETHER: RIGHT NOW we should be able to travel anywhere at whatever. touring LA, s, galaxie other mars, moon, the FAST, and for free. I’m talking problems SOLVED. SEAN: Ha ha. Exactly! gay men. HETHER: Women would be in charge of everything. Women and ing. SEAN: From what I’ve heard gay men ARE in charge of everyth The response to this HETHER: No, no. OPENLY gay men. not closeted Republicans. TIME TRAVEL, NO question could go on and on forever. Let’s just say, in a nutshell:HAVE THE ONLY MONEY, NO RELIGION, THE CARRIERS OF LIFE AKA WOMEN “AUTHORITY” (and it would be minimal). SEAN: So how does this fit into the music that you’re making? through in my HETHER: I think my frustrations about the state of the world come in cheek “fuck music. It’s a combination of anger, sadness, and eventually a tongue vibe. I feel like I it, let’s all bob our heads because we’re screwed anyways” sorta ing that I consometh into them make and ugly very are that issues and take feelings globe. snow al person sider to be beautiful. My own SEAN: Contain them & shake them up when you want to? Hahaha. It’s like HETHER: Oh no, I can’t contain ANYTHING. It happens right away. immediate, and I’m allergic to the entire world and everyone in it. The effects areparade of shit comthat’s why I’m so productive creatively. There is a never ending ing at me. Hardcore Punk SEAN: Yeah, you were saying that people have to have some kinda background to get you... aggressive Punk and HETHER: But yes, I do feel like people without a background in Or if they’ve never from. coming I’m where Hardcore can never really understand , etc. had to face any SERIOUS hardships in their life. Abuse, poverty

ly references SEAN: The new Wax Idols record is called “No Future” which obvious be “No Future” for the Sex Pistols, I always took the idea of “No Future” to literally meant “No Future anyone, but Aaron Cometbus of all people told me he thought it For You” & then listed off a bunch of things he didn’t like.

HETHER: I can see both angles. But ya, it’s totally a Pistols reference. I don’t really feel like the record has anything to do with the Sex Pistols, but it just fit. NO FUTURE means a lot of different things to me, and in the context of this album. Death, failed relationships, etc. Hether was nice enough to go through the tracks on the Wax Idols new record NO FUTURE out on HOZAC & give us a couple thoughts on each song. I really hope this gets released on tape eventually because I have such fond memories of listening to similar music on cassette only & shutting out the world with my walkman.

I woke up DEAD LIKE YOU: I wrote this shortly after Jay (Reatard) died. Death, y. hallwa the in him saw I t though and sweat in d covere one night grief, misery, nightmares, etc. etc. Cue song HITMAN: What if you found out that your lover is a serial killer? now. DILNO: When masturbation doesn’t cut it. GOLD SNEAKERS: Another one about Jay. Things I wish I’d said when I had the chance.

to him

waiting for NOTHING AT ALL: I have a hard time sleeping. I wrote this while roof. s friend’ my of top on rise to the sun in the HOTEL ROOM: Trying to make a love connection with a crazy person party. middle of a drug infested hotel then we HUMAN CONDITION: “We get down, we get high. We get born, die.” about the BAD FUTURE: I’m not really a political person, but a lot of things it. about rant I where song world piss me off and this is the SPLINTERS UNEASY: Ashley (former WAX IDOLS member, currently in THEcks//bizarre flashba ia//acid Parano song. this to words the wrote A) & PAMEL dreams. SAND IN MY JOINTS: I LOVE WIRE. shall not be GREY AREA: This track is about my shithead ex-boyfriend who satismuch too him give would ew intervi an in it ng droppi se becau named T? ASSHA YOU UP S WHAT’ faction. He knows who he is. enNot to end this piece on such a note, Hether’s twitter is notoriously waxidols. . tumblr IDOLS WAX a there’s & RTUNE HERFO @HET ing. tertain tumblr.com


DO IT RIGHT!!! OR ELSE!!! Every year, as summer gives way to fall & the land gets dried out, the plants start dying, the leaves change color & fall to the ground & death stalks the land. The light is yellow & orange. Death is everywhere, there are flies on the windscreen, for a start. It is time for the harvest, animals are readied for slaughter, fruit is picked & packed & there is a sense of well-being in the air which is getting cooler.

UNGA!

LOOK AT

CYLOPS!!!

As the days get shorter, the shadows grow longer & darker & the moon gains an orange pallor, a sense of weirdness increases among the people. There is an uneasiness as if something wrong has entered the room. Crows, bats, frogs, snakes, worms, spiders, black cats, rats & other animals begin to act as ambassadors for this weirdness & act as if possessed, as if they know what is happening. PHOTO BY TIGER LILY

Despite the walls of sanity crumbling, this is a time to dance with the Devil! Perhaps he is not so interested in taking souls on these fall days as he is in stirring souls & letting ghosts ride throughout the land. The nights are filled with strange sounds, gibbering horrors, the forgotten & malformed, the mentally deficient celebrate the days they are allowed to wander the streets without harassment.

Cyclops is a new band from Cyclops Island, featuring Caps-Lock Rocker Tina Lucchesi & Jonny Cat. They play greasy, fuzzed out Rock & Roll in the manner that only one-eyed giant cave men can. Fueled by Sigmund the Seamonster, Naugas & cheese plates, Cyclops Rock is here to stay! SEAN: Jesus Christ, Tina! Another band? TINA:OHHH YA YA KNOW HOW I DO!!!!! OHHH ‘BOUT A 100! SEAN: What’s the deal with Cyclops? In mythology they are pretty crazy... they made the weapons that killed the Titans TINA: WE ARE CYCLOPS FROM CYCLOPS ISLAND AND WE ARE THE RULERS OF ONE EYE!!!!! JONNY: THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND CYCLOPS JUST WANTS TO PARTY AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!! AND..... I MEAN YAH WE’LL BRUTALIZE YER BODY IF YOU TRY TO CRASH OUR PARTIES OR TRY TO STEAL ALL OUR JEWELS BUT IN GENERAL WE ARE A FUN LOVING BREED!! SEAN: How was playing at Burgerville? That seems like an ideal venue. TINA: SOOOOPPPERRRRR FUNNNN ITS RAD TO GET FREE BURGERS AND FRIESSSSS!!! I WANNA DO THE FAST FOOD TOUR BURGER KING, IN N OUT, TACO BELL FOR SURE!! JONNY: IT SMELLED GOOD AND IT WAS NEAT TO SEE SO MANY SMALL CHILDREN DANCING AROUND !!! SEAN: Ed “Big Daddy” Roth had a cyclops skull that was stolen by the Hells Angels. Do you know where it is? TINA: IT’S HIDDEN SOMEWHERE ON CYCLOPS ISLAND. IT’S A LEGENDARY STORY LIKE THE BRADY BUNCH TIKI!!!! JONNY: OFTEN TIMES WHEN PRICELESS ITEMS HAVE BEEN STOLEN WE ARE HIRED TO RECOVER THEM USING THE POWER OF ONE EYE!!!........ I SEE THIS CYCLOPS SKULL YOU SPEAK OF LOOK FOR IT IN THE CHEESESIEST PLACE POSSIBLE!! I BELIEVE IT MAY BE HIDDEN UNDER THE CASHIER AT FOREVER 21 SAN FRANCISCO!!!!! SEAN: The 7th Voyage of Sinbad has that rad Cyclops with the horn, did you go see that at the Grand Lake Theatre when you were a kid? TINA: CYCLOPS LIVED IT MANNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! SEAN: When I think of Cyclops I think of cavemen, & when I think of cavemen I think of Rock & Roll, but also the Jimmy Castor Bunch, which is like deep fried funk. Do Cyclops dig BBQ or fried chicken more? TINA: CYCLOPS LOVE RAWWWW MEAT AND SMALL CHILDREN YUMMMMMMM!!!! BBQ BABY YUMMMM !!!! JONNY: A QUICK GLANCE AT ANY CYCLOPS WILL ANSWER YER QUESTION THE CRUSTED BBQ SAUCE UNDER THE FINGERNAILS, IN THE BEARD, AND DRIZZLED DOWN THE CLOTHING PRETTY MUCH GIVES IT AWAY!!!!!

It is time to join them! Go in disguise, not as a sexy nurse or ninja, but as the living dead, the vampire, the monster made from human bodies, shocked back to life, the goblin, the ghoul, the zombie, the mummy, the witch, the warlock, the skeleton, the ghost, the demon, the spectre, the unstable, the diseased, the insane, the monstrous, or as the Devil himself! If you dare!

Go from house to house! It is time to pull people out of their safety! Demand a treat & if they offer none, it is time for a trick! How dare they hide from their autumn responsibility! Nothing too horrible, just enough to remind them to participate next year. Eggs splattered on the door, windows soaped, trees toilet papered, sidewalks chalked, things moved around, repeat visits late at night... -SEAN


GETTING PERSONAL WITH...

PERSONAL!

THE PORKETTES IN

not again!

hey nerrrd! gimme dat pizza!

‘PIZZA pUNK!!!’

by katie & sean Äaberg

OF ‘PERSONAL & THE PIZZAS!’ AMERICA’S GREASIEST ROCK GROUP!

what did i do to deserve this?

bands operatPersonal & the Pizzas is one of America’s best Rock & Roll is the Teens Twenty the in Punk into back e greas the ing right now. Putting n betwee mix a are way to go, especially when the Guidos on Jersey Shore where world a from Coming Block. Oompa Loompas & The New Kids on the never needed Dee Dee Ramone & Archie Bunker’s minds overlap, America has REGULAR what kids the show to now, does it than more Pizzas the & al Person off all S PANTIE the ROCK & is all about, to put those NERDS in their place DOWN NALLY, PERSO speak Pizzas the & al those girls with big hair. Person d too much TO HEART, to us low-class kids who read Mad magazine & watche Laverne & Shirley. SEAN: How did Personal & the Pizzas come together?

times are tough pal! haven’t you heard?

PERSONAL: We came together in detention. Started scratchin’ songs out on the desk with my knife. SEAN: What’s a typical day in the life of the Pizzas?

SEAN: Does Dr. Demento know about you guys?

PERSONAL: Sit around, walk around, shoot the shit with my boys. Drink some brewskies, check out babes. You know, the usual. A little chain polishing here and there…

PERSONAL: Who’s that? Some smart guy? He better know about us, whoever he is.

now get in there!

LET ME HOLD THOSE DOLLARS!

SEAN: When I was a kid I wanted to be like the Fonz, Squiggy, Bowzer, Animal from the Muppets & maybe the Incredible Hulk also. Should my kids wanna be like the Pizzas? PERSONAL: Of course every kid in the world wants to be like the Pizzas. We’re the coolest and the best.

the pain of nerds is the greatest ingredient of all! SEAN: You’re always talking about “regular” pizza, is ANYTHING “regular” anymore? PERSONAL: Is anything anything? I thought I dropped this class. Who are you? Who am I? Is Pizza actually Pizza? What is Rock n Roll? Is Beer from the future? Yeah, I dropped that smart magic class along time ago. I think I actually got physically removed. Whatta joke.

you said it!

SEAN: 2011 is like that James Brown song, “This is a Man’s World”, except today it’s a “Nerd’s World”. What gives? PERSONAL: Phsff…It’s a man’s world where I come from SEAN: Who is your favorite Archie character? PERSONAL: That zit faced nerd. Wanna give that nerd a suplex.

eat it nerd!

SEAN: What if Phil Spector killed the Ramones when they were recording End of the Century? PERSONAL: You mean, what if the Ramones killed Phil Spector when they were recording End of the Century? Then it woulda been a killer record instead of that junk Spector turned it into. SEAN: Who is the Phil Spector of 2011? PERSONAL: Me SEAN: Who is the Frankie Valli of 2011? PERSONAL: Me

mother said there’d be days like this.

THE END?


I kinda couldn’t believe it when I first heard Shannon & the Clams. I had spent some time formulating one of my many complicated cultural strategies, this time involving Punked up oldies, but not too Punky, with lots of Pop! in them also & then I kind of forgot about that whole thing for a while. Then, seemingly out of nowhere I start discovering that this is happening & it’s all coming out of Oakland. I am now experienced enough to know that this doesn’t just happen any old time so you gotta grab it when it happens. So I grabbed Shannon & the Clams & talked to them about what the deal is.

and wild character that’s all human and smacks of the human hand. When places allow themselves to be weird and unselfconscious, they begin to reach out into the psychedelic and fantastical. That’s what I love. SEAN: Me & my little brother Daniel have talked a lot about the generation gap ending & generational antagonism ending & a compacting of American culture from the beginning to now happening. This is pretty clear to me because all my favorite bands have a strong “oldies” feeling to them, but it doesn’t feel retro to me, it feels like what is supposed to be happening right now. That is to say, it’s not romanticizing the past, it’s saying what’s going on today. Ian: This question reminds me a lot of Patton Oswalt’s idea of “Etewaf” or Everything That Ever Was—Available Forever. Oswalt means to say that after the point of Etewaf, cultural diversions that were obscure and weird no longer set you apart from normal people, because our culture is now so integrated and full of recycled ideas to satiate the marketplace. I think that happens in music, and hopefully this state of instant availability of entire spectrums of obscurity will lead to production of some weird mutant trends, bands, etc...

SEAN: The Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, Children’s Fairyland & Enchanted Forest are all related to you guys. Spots like this are really important yeah? They & also County Fairs seem like the world where Shannon & the Clams exist. Shannon: Hmmm, them thar places are indeed important to me and us. I suppose it’s because I am a dreamer and those are artificial dreamlands. I know something we all have in common is a pleasant but dorky side that loves fantasy, pretend and storytelling. I actually put on stairway to heaven by L. Zepp to answer this question because it reminds me of the first time I went to the Ren Faire when I was 8 (I’ve since been 86’d for life, yes it’s true!) The flutey, fruity 70s wood nymph beginning of classic jam seemed like the perfect soundtrack to what I thought would become my new lifestyle goal (ren faire nerd!). Anyway, I loved my first trip there because it was some sort of escape to another world or dimension, like Disneyland, Enchanted Forest etc. I’ve since long grown out of Ren Faire, but still loooove the other places. Ren Faire is an exclusive rip off dork snob club whereas Enchanted Forest is for any brave, funloving motherfudger out there. Ian: Places like the Beach Boardwalk, Fairyland, etc. . . left me with memories that are relatives to my recollections of hearing a song that blows your mind, but you never hear it again for like 2 years. Like the first time I heard CAN. It seemed to be a complete world, or had an identity in the recording that slapped you in the face. I think making music using that type of memory as a starting point is good strategy. Cody: These are the magic places, places that are still allowed to be weird and don’t try to live up to modern stylings and aesthetics. They exist in their own hand-made freaky aesthetic that has nothing to do with what’s happening in the rest of the world. These are the places for real people, not a stuffy and polished upper-middle class. Things lose their character and charm when they become too polished and cater to modern established aesthetics, become homogenized. We love these places because they have an eccentric

Shannon: Interesting thought. I have no idea what the fudge is going on. I love oldies and have a lot of respect for ‘em but I am not trying to ‘write an oldies song.’ I don’t know other bands you’re talking about but I feel like myself and many music playing comrades can’t escape things they’re nostalgic for. Oldies is pretty strictly what I grew up with, so I think it’s so ingrained in me that it’s become my music vocabulary. As in song structures, backs ups, changes....I cant get my brain to get away from it! I also just really relate to how singers used vocals to emote, to put you in their shoes, chew their bubblegum, comb their hair...it’s rare as hell these days to find something with genuine, true blue feeling that I am naturally empathizing with. Cody: It’s hard for me to imagine the end of generation gaps in a society that evolves too quickly. I would actually predict generation gaps increasing in frequency and becoming more and more pronounced, because of the rapid turnover of technologies, means of communication and cultural trends. I feel like there is already a big weird generation gap between me and the younger people who like our music. I love it though because when you talk to people across the gap, it’s like talking to someone from another country, you can learn all kinds of weird stuff about where the other comes from and what he/ she believes in. It’s fun. I hate retro. It’s empty and superficial and shallow, no soul. SEAN: Shannon, you described your image as being one part comforting 50s housewife & one part 80s surf/skate/punk/metal rebel kid. You described Cody as being like Mortimer Mouse, the debonair villain in old Mickey Mouse cartoons, plus also something about the Lollipop Guild is in there & Ian didn’t get a description. I feel like Ian is like the old school bathtub acid & crank manufacturer who also has a great radio show on KALX in 1981. Shannon: I feel like an idiot when I read the description of myself but its half fantasy half truth. Cody is still a Mortimer, and Ian Ian Ian...do you know he can freestyle? Amazingly too, its not simple rhymes, and there’s no ‘wha wha, uuhhhhh’ filler. It’s scientific, or sexual, or about cuts of meat or bodily fluids. Brilliant stuff. Hes a mix of middle school math teacher and a mischievious, yet studious genius fourth grader. That’s basically how he dresses, too. He’s so sincerely antifashion, and pro-efficiency, and it shows.

hocus pocus sim sala bim abracadabra!


CODY guitar & vocals

SEAN: You guys ALL went to CCA(C) just like me & Katie right? Shannon & the Clams is your big public project now, how does this relate to what you studied, what you wanted to do before entering school & stuff like that? Shannon: School: guuuhhh, I dont know! I studied illustration at CCA but also did a lot of metalworking and video work. As a kid I started making my own picture books before I could write and they were usually highly dramatic depictions of family drama. For instance I made a series of drawings in books of how evil my brothers were and each page was me challenging each of them to an epic karate fight, where I proved victorious each time. I think the way my work back then relates to work now is how I remove some internal struggle, take it out and deal with as an object. Be it paper, metal or music. I have to remove it and analyze it before destroying it or fixing it.

Shannon vocals & bass

Ian: I think my pursuits in visual art don’t relate much to the band in concept or theme, though going to art school exposed me to an avalanche of new things, which influenced my perception of the band and my taste in music. I think the Clams is a project that uses more of my childhood musical influences, top-40 oldies radio and the like.

IAN drums Cody: Ian is a pubescent soul from a society of giant jelly creatures, projected via dream meditation from billion of years in the past when the Earth was young, into the present day and into the body of a European tourist Gym Teacher. He is trying to pass as a normal human. His jelly mind strains to appear natural in its human vessel, but its juxtaposition of juvenile, utilitarian, masculine and psychedelic qualities are an obvious clue otherwise to anyone who is paying attention. Ian: I never want to have an individual identity in the band. I favor our use of costumes, in that it prevents listeners from getting too tapped into a specific image of us and committing psychic cannibalism.

Cody: I feel that CCA has little to do with the Clams, other than a hub for meeting young people. I dropped out after my second year, found the writing program to be very overpriced and underdeveloped, very disheartening. CCA was a good place for us because there are lots of young people there who want to be entertained and be involved in something, so it was easy to get started; we played and invited everyone from the school. Other than that I don’t feel much artistic connection between the band and CCA. I’ve always written stories and studied that at several schools. I just transferred that habit into songwriting. I’ve never allowed myself to write meaningless lyrics; I think telling a story through lyrics is extremely important. Lots of modern music forsakes that tradition and just strings together appealing word combinations with vague meanings. That bothers me greatly. It seems so lazy. I think telling an easy-to-follow story is incredibly important in writing a song and requires a focused effort in gathering your thoughts and laying them out in a metered way that is both appealing and intelligible. I wish songwriters would try harder, not just barf out the first lyrics that come to mind.

SEAN: The Muppets are important in understanding this right? I remember watching the Muppet Show when I was a kid & thinking that having Alice Cooper on an all puppet vaudeville show was the most natural (if not best) thing in existence. I always wanted to be Animal, but I think I am much more of a Kermit or Gonzo. Cody: I HAVE that Alice Cooper episode taped from TV! I used to watch it repeatedly as a child. It’s on a tape with Pee Wee’s Playhouse episodes. I get really scared when Beaker gets smothered by that mass of multiplying iridescent grey goo. Alice Cooper was best buddies with Groucho Marx I heard. He’s a total vaudeville, old timey stage freak in a 70s disguise. I think the Muppets specifically are less important; the entire realm of cartoon music and kids music is what influences me. The 40s MGM cartoon music is unbelievably good. Muppets too. All of those songs are so well written and made with such love and skill, but injected with such psychedelic madness, it’s very striking and refreshing. I think that we try to write in that same spirit: lovingly well-crafted songs with elements of wild and stupid cartoon inanities. Shannon: Muppets! They are just so effing hilarious! I still crack up watching Muppets Take Manhattan. I feel like I have always related to them because they are a clan of wild self-proclaimed weirdos trying to live in the regular world. I always empathized with their struggles and chuckled hard at their jokes and appreciated their togetherness. Jim Henson was an absolute master of puppetry. He was so good at giving muppets realistic yet comical mannerisms. I think they are a positive influence on kids because they are funny, smart and creative and not dumbed down for adults. Cody is a Kermit mixed with Gonzo, Ian is a Beaker mixed with Animal, Gonzo and Fozzie, while I know I’m Miss Piggy’s nice side mixed with Janice, Gonzo, Camilla the chicken, Dr. Teeth and Grover. Ian: The Clams are always riffing off the spirit of the Muppets. I think that a sort of child-like idiot glee is something we use in the song writing process. Take songs like “King of the Sea” or “The Cult Song”, both featuring a bunch of weird vocal screaming parts with a minimal instrumental beat backing. I personally feel like a mutant splice between Dr. Honeydew and Beaker stuck in the beast body of a character from the Island of Dr. Moreau.

SEAN: Has Oakland been a catalyst for what you’re doing? What are some elements of Oakland that have fed into Shannon & the Clams? Shannon: Oakland: its a bit of a wild man’s territory. I think Oakland’s special recipe of freedom, danger & culture help make it a really creative community. CODY: Oakland is great because there is struggle and competition there; it keeps you moving. You have to keep trying and doing something new all the time or you’ll get left behind by the waves of new stuff that are always happening. From the constant influx of people moving to the Bay Area to the price of food and housing, all of that stuff keeps you on your toes. You can’t get lazy. It’s also very supportive and people love to love stuff and get enthusiastic. Lots of Florida reminds me of Oakland in that way; still wild/ untamed, enthusiastic, hand-made. There’s also a long tradition of bubblegum, fun punk and power pop that is amazing and has been really good to us and supportive. Oakland is also a little more sparse, just the right amount of density. San Francisco often feels too dense, diluted with mediocre stuff. It’s hard to get excited about bands and events when there’s always 10 things going on at once and they’re often boring or disappointing. And the market is saturated enough that you can get by without being great. It’s also hard to get people to pay attention to any one thing when there are so many other things happening. New York can feel that way too. At the opposite of the spectrum are cities like Portland where living is so easy that things are quick to get stagnant. You don’t have to struggle there and it’s easy to just get by. Those cities are amazing places to live but I think the music and art scenes suffer for the lack of a fire under everyone’s collective buns. Ian: The Bay Area music community has pushed the band to keep playing out and working. I think this area has a cocktail of a lot of smaller, accessible spaces (some DIY, some not) to perform at, mixed with a very loyal audience, who are up for having fun and seeing bands. I think Oakland is very casual, but also smack in the middle of a large cultural center with a lot to offer.


MEGA MIX - PORK REVIEW SECTION

GUNS & BUTTER RADIO One of the most difficult things to do these days is find news that you can trust. For the most part, it’s all such obvious spun out propaganda that I ignore ALL of it. But I gotta pay attention to what’s happening, so I consume news from as many sources as possible & keep my bullshit detector turned way up. No one reflects my values or take on the subjects at hand, which makes me want to start my own news service, but Guns & Butter is pretty close in terms of analysis. Guns & Butter digs into the actual power plays that are happening instead of reporting on the side-effects of those power plays. If you wanna know what happened on 9-11 & why, or why we attacked Libya, or what’s going on with the Fukushima reactor, check out kpfa.org/gunsand-butter-SÄ

Hey! The Mega Mix is PORK’s review section. PORK only reviews stuff I like, because who needs bad reviews?! Not you. Not me. That said, I’m always looking for cool shit to tell people about, that’s a big part of why this magazine exists! If I like it, I’ll review it & put it in the Mix or in the Street & Sweet section if it fits. If there are bands, artists, books, clothing, people of note, youtubes or WHATEVER that we need to know about, let us know!

POBOX 12044 EUGENE OR 97440 U$A sean@internetpork.com tweet @porkmagazine

ANDY HUMAN - RED PLASTIC BURGER RECORDS Andy “Human” Jordan is a genre jumper, which is something I get into. I like dismantling the systems of genres, the languages of styles, reducing things to their elements. Red Plastic is an enjoyable exploration of the world of English Synth-Pop. When Jordan’s band “The Cuts” were first forming back in 1999, I was listening to a lot of Synth Pop & I remember Chuck Palacios making fun of me, flipping over the Nuggets tape in his walkman. Red Plastic features alot of great tunes with cool sounds, reminding me of being a depressed 15 year old, or when I was 21, wanting to live in the future city, where it always rained, in a closet-sized apartment, eating instant food, on drugs that made my mind swim in the clouds, on a bed made of red plastic. -SÄ

AMY WINEHOUSE RIP Amy Winehouse was the only celebrity death I have really cared about. A vocal talent unmatched at the present, Winehouse was also interesting & stylish enough to make me care. Primarily she embodied the return to certain traditions, as she went from being a jazz/r&b singer to broadening into a showbiz singer in the footsteps of the greats. I’m not into tragedy as a rule, but I have no idea what to do with people who go down the road of self-destruction. The strength to live has to come from within & how do you instill that into someone who is already careening down the tunnel into darkness? I have no idea & it’s profoundly upsetting to me. Winehouse’s death was a waste, she was too young & didn’t record enough music. RIP. -SÄ

VINCENT PRICE We have lost most of the great Americans to time. Whatever it was that formed the quality of people in older generations has been sorely lacking, or those people of character who might take their place have been blocked by ignorant & petulant gate-keepers who were unable to see true greatness. I imagine it’s a lot of both. Luckily for those of us in the character business, America’s in the shitter & it takes a different kind of person to be successful in a country where you can’t take anything for granted. I’m looking for the next Vincent Price, a towering Renaissance man from St. Louis, heir to baking powder & National Candy Co. fortunes, educated at Yale in art, a man steeped in culture & mystery & show-biz shmaltz. Make sure to watch Vincent in the AMAZING Witchfinder General or “The Conqueror Worm”. -SÄ

TOP TEN SONGS ABOUT SCHOOL 1. Rock & Roll Highschool - The Ramones 2. Smokin’ in the Boys Room - Brownsville Station & Mötley Crüe’s version is cool too. 3. School’s Out - Alice Cooper 4. Charlie Brown - The Coasters 5. Hot for Teacher - Van Halen 6. Sexy & Seventeen - Stray Cats 7. School Days - The Runaways 8. High School - MC5 9. Another Brick in the Wall - Pink Floyd 10. New Kid in School - The Donnas 11. Back to School - The Flakes “I always thought the good thing about the guitar was that they didn’t teach it in school.” - Jimmy Page ALL-STAR BONUS: Be Crool To Your Scuel Twisted Sister with Alice Cooper -SÄ LITTLE STEVEN’S UNDERGROUND GARAGE Rock & Roll had a hard time in the 80s. Punk, New Wave, Heavy Metal & Rap kind of killed it. I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying how it was. Because of this, I never knew what to think of Little Steven. I was on the fence about Bruce Springsteen (still am) & his other big claim to fame was the “Sun City” anti-apartheid record. Time passes, Little Steven wins my heart playing Sil on the Sopranos. Then he debuts this great radio show “The Underground Garage”. As if to prove a point, Little Richard presided over Little Steven’s wedding, which is nothing shabby you know? Finally, I just listened to Dick Manitoba interviewing Danny Fields on the show & anyone who can make that happen is a cool dude. -SÄ

JERRY LEWIS

“People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.” -Jerry Lewis

It’s not surprising that Jerry Lewis is maligned in this country, people have lost their bearings & don’t know up from down. I’ve actually heard a large number of people say they “don’t like slapstick”. They will then drag the good name of the Three Stooges through the dirt. No wonder our country is sunk, no one has the psychological resilience to enjoy the pain of others! SHAKE IT OFF AMERICA. Here’s a homework assignment, watch three Martin & Lewis movies. Then watch them again. -SÄ

BARE WIRES - CHEAP PERFUME I caught the Bare Wires at Sam Bonds Garage where people go to sit & watch bands. I don’t get it, but man, the Bare Wires are great! Matthew Henton’s vocals are van-tastic, evoking John Lennon & Marc Bolan! The song-writing is pop superbe! Super solid bubblegum rock pop wotever it is man. Omar from Apache is playing drums with them right now & this Cheap Perfume record has been on non-stop rotation in the van lately. Geez! -SÄ

MAGIC BRIGHTON This is a magic shop in Brighton. It has a giant ventriloquist dummy’s head above the door, beckoning you to come in. When these morons try & say that “brick & mortar” shops are dead, or “print is dead”, just replace whatever they’re talking about with “sex is dead”, their logic being that because internet porn is pervasive, there’s no reason to have the real thing anymore. What are you, morons? magic-brighton.co.uk -SÄ FRANKENSTEIN NUTTY HEAD These cats South Factory/Thriller in Japan are making a lot of GREAT hot rod Weirdo stuff like their own variations on the classic “Nutty Mads”. They did these Frankensteins, a bunch of rad figures called “Born Losers” with Hitler, Castro & Napoleon, key charms, gear-shift knobs & stuff like that. Someone in a non-foreign country should make shit like this. For serious. southfactory.blog109.fc2.com -SÄ

THE ALL IS FLOWING BAND CANDY ANNE- 3 EYED GEMINI The UNPOP people are releasing records under Discriminate Audio! This nice little 7” is on lime green vinyl & features the All is Flowing Band, formerly the UNPOP sound, which is headed by Shaun Partridge I think. Candy Anne reminded alot of early Depeche Mode & Three Eyed Gemini is a spacy number asking “Can I Be Anne Frank With You.” Far out! -SÄ

YOUTHBITCH - YOUTHBITCH YOUTHBITCH YOUTHBITCH YOUTHBITCH YOUTHBITCH I met these dudes up in Portland at the SMRRBMMR but I missed their set. While most of Portland still seems to be stuck in 2005 with the beard & glasses & fanny pack schtick, these kids have smelled the promises of Rock&Roll & are bringing the ROCK back to Portland. “Richie Rich” is the standout track, Stephen’s vocals are cool & the whole thing is drowning in noise. -SÄ


WEIRDO ARTIST - SHAWN PACHECO When weirdo artists paint, it’s different than when they draw. The paint lends itself to the ropier, spaghetti elements of the weird & the pieces start to throb in veiny, ropey splendor. Oakland Weirdo Artist Shawn Pacheco’s work is pure spaghetti & meatballs with ropey veins, mucus, wrinkles & slime wrapping around bulbous tumors, rotten teeth & orifices of disgust. Pacheco has also done some fantastic sculptures in the exact same style as he paints! One of his most fantastic creations is a Weirdo take on the Witch’s candy cottage from Hansel & Gretel, with dripping frosting & sweating candy heaving out of the distorted house, it captures the hallucinogenic feeling of a candy house perfectly. scumo.com -SÄ

TWISTED SISTER Twisted Sister was one of the first bands that I got into that wasn’t introduced to me by my parents. Singer Dee Snider describes the band as “Slade meets the Sex Pistols”. Like most of the things I liked when I was a kid, Twisted Sister’s videos were all about kids transforming into monsters & destroying their parents & teachers. Even the street-tough denim clad version of the band transforms into the monstrous glam version of the band so that Rock & Roll is not stopped. The classic line-up of the band features ex-Dictator Mark Mendoza which makes their family tree a lot cooler. The band made a cameo in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, featured graffiti on the back cover of one of their records before anyone was doing stuff like that & are pure NYC macho schtick that rules. -SÄ

Tradition Start off with the song “Tradition” from the Fiddler on the Roof in your head & continue. I’m the father of three boys. I’m the oldest of three brothers. I have lived through four decades of disintegration as a member of the great abstract “White Americans”. My family is from Montana but I was born & raised in Oakland, California. Oakland was culturally dominated by Blacks & Jews when I was growing up. I spent a lot of time trying to find strength in some kind of identity but nothing was enough. Punk was too self-destructive, I have no dominant cultural background, I am a Gemini so my brain is all over the place. At some point I decided that I was just American, but that I would define what it means to be American & then redefine America based on my ideas. -SÄ

SHIRLEY Q. LIQUOR Shirley Q. Liquor is the drag character of Chuck Knipp, a gay, White comedian out of New Orleans. Good comedy feels like taking an orgasmic shit: with each laugh, you feel lighter, clearer, less stressed out, relieved. That’s what I want from my comedy. The best comedy comes from human suffering, whether it is people being beaten on the head, sticking their fingers in light sockets, exploiting their own awkward interactions with others or counter-acting social stigma & repression, the walls of the uptight are chipped away with laughter. A fat, gay man dressing up as a Black woman is funny unto itself, like chickens, pickles, Chinese Newspapers & banana peels, but Shirley Q. Liquor is an endearing character regardless of the drag. Youtube that mamma jamma up & enjoy. -SÄ ODD MOD ARTIST: FAWN GEHWEILER I have been following Fawn Gehweiler’s work since the 90s when she did this comic “Five Types of Art School Students”. She was part of the very influential to PORK East Bay school of Burgers, Bubblegum & Bad/Good Taste & has been one of the most aesthetically solid artists of recent memory. Fawn helped point the direction when I was floundering, post-Punk & trying to figure out what to do with myself. When I suggested we grab an egg cream & talk about stuff, she rattled off half a dozen spots to get them, just like that. Fawn has been hiding out for a while, without the amazing level of output we were used to, but I like to think that she’s just waiting for the right moment to strike & let loose her enormous artistic vision again. fawngehweiler.com -SÄ

ODD MOD ARTIST: ARBITO Seattle Artist Arbito did some amazing new paintings for his art show “Two Heads” with Shawn Wolfe at the Super 7 store in SF. Arbito’s work is all about the 70s aesthetic when design crashed into the counter-culture & the cleanmodern style was corrupted by drugs, hair & collapse, in a Kustom van. Hairy plastic freak out man! That plastic is talkin’ to me! Arbito’s new paintings embody this aesthetic the most, with hairy monster types rendered in super clean, super designy style with beautiful acid pop colors. arbito.com -SÄ

COMIC SHOPS America lost its soul at some point. I’m not sure when it was, but for the most part, that’s what happened. The repercussions of this loss are still being discovered; comic shops are but one example of what happens when a people lose their soul. Comics for everybody used to just be in newspapers & comics for kids could be bought at newsstands & on a wire rack at your corner store, comics for adults could be bought at head shops or mail-ordered. At some point the pencil necks took over & made specialty shops for their comics. Grouchy fatsos guarded these shops & frowned on children poking their noses in the door, looking for something to read. Not unlike record stores, where grouchy nerds guard the records from people cooler than them. -SÄ

HOTTUB Where were all the weird rap girl trios with gold machine guns when I was in highschool? It’s okay, I’ll say what’s up to them now. Hottub is a rap dance whatever outfit out of Oakland that is just like a continuation of all the fuckin’ Hip House & De La Soul & Gravy Train!!!! stuff I’ve been listening to since I was 12. All these stupid kids listening to “Dub Step” need to get with it & check out what the club music from 2012 really sounds like. Their video for “Shoot the Lights Out” reminds me of ordering videos on the BOX in 1989. -SÄ ZOMBIETIME I identified as a leftist for a long time: growing up in the Bay Area, it seemed like the thing to do. Eventually I wanted to be more active in my politics & not just culturally leftist, so I started to participate. As soon as I started mixing with deliberate leftists I realized that we didn’t have a lot in common. Eventually it seemed like a good idea for me to just leave the relationship. The website ZOMBIETIME.COM illustrates so many of the reasons why I had to call it quits with the leftist scene. Check it out, the truth hurts. -SÄ

ALEX JONES/INFOWARS As a fan of professional wrestling AND fringe politics, there’s a lot I like about Alex Jones & his Infowars media empire. Alex whips you up into a hysterical fervor against big government, the 1984 mentality & the yuppie pencil-necks that make living in America & the modern world a total pain in the ass. It is great radio, if you’re in the mood for it. My analysis, being honest, ends up being similar to libertarian & anarchist analysis, in terms of assessing how the system affects our lives, but I don’t believe in political “solutions” to any of this, so the judgments & answers to the “problems” presented don’t mean a lot to me. Jones doesn’t dwell on all that though, most of his show is the fevered presentation of information, which is as accurate as the BBC. infowars.com -SÄ

BIALYS I’ve become fairly obsessed with opening a Jewish-style deli. This is not unlike my idea about starting up my own version of Hollywood in Israel. Half the reason to start this deli is to out-Jew the Jews, which is one of my specialties. Another reason is to have a little box of Bazooka gum in Hebrew on the counter & a pickle barrel in the corner. And yet another reason is to sell people my killer bialys. Bagels are boring! Bialys are cool & tasty. Made in the USA first by Coney Island Bialys & Bagels. -SÄ THE WALL STREET OCCUPATION The very idea of the stock market has always seemed foolish to me. I would never make GOBLINKO a public corporation. I worry that maybe I don’t understand the system well enough to criticize it, but my gut tells me it’s a sheist, pure & simple. A combination gambling/pyramid scheme run by a bunch of leeches. Wall Street’s machinations are also probably inevitable, so what do you do? What do you do with all weasels & leeches? Don’t let them take power, keep your eye on them & your boot on their neck. -SÄ

YOO-HOO I was always a little scared by chocolate milk in a bottle when I was a kid. I thought chocolate milk had to come in a little carton yaknow? Boy, was I wrong. Johnny Ramone is the only famous Yoo-Hoo drinker & that’s good enough for me. Who else do you need? Maybe Dee Dee. Anyhow, that’s why Frankenstein (Frankenstein’s MONSTER to you nerds) is drinking Yoo-Hoo on the cover. You can get a t-shirt of Johnny Ramone drinking Yoo-Hoo from rockometer.com. How about that? -SÄ


! ! ! O O O N N N i’m not a juvenile delinquent

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BY KATIE ÄABERG hair & makeup by amelia hart outfits by the porkettes pikes by studsandspikes.com thanks to shannon & the clams for t-shirts.

PORK

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BAD IDEAS. In Disney’s cartoon version of Robin Hood, Little John asks Robin Hood, “Are we good guys or bad guys?” Christians have a saying that “The Devil does not arrive wearing a red suit & horns.” Aleister Crowley deliberately encouraged his bad reputation in order to obfuscate the glowingly good nature of his work. Good guys don’t always wear white & as Bob Dylan sang, “sometimes Satan comes as a man of peace.” Meanwhile, those who want “to do as much good for as many as possible” tend to slide into position in enormous pools of blood, powered by great machines that grind up the bodies of millions. Hey, whatever floats your boat, even if the boat is made out of bones & it’s floating in a river of blood! I’m kind of into that, but I wont do it & tell you i’m the good guy! Get real!

who is bobby madness?

Bobby Madness is a real cartoonist, A MAN’S cartoonist, unlike the pencil-neck geeks you normally find drawing “comics” these days. Originally from Ithaca, New York, Bobby moved to California in the early 80s & started doing art for Punk stuff like Cometbus. This lead to Bobby doing his MASTERPESO: Cometbus #39. Later, Bobby moved to Oregon, because the Black people in all the poor neighborhoods he lived in in Cali kept telling him to get the fuck out! So he settled in Portland where he has a lady & a kid & works as a bouncer. His comics are published by Teenage Dinosaur.

eco Meth-House wow’s Reggae Whores Archaeology is Science Fiction by Dan Shoup

The first time I TAed an archaeology class, we began by having our students draw a picture of an archaeologist. The result was predictable: a pile of comically bad drawings of Indiana Jones, leavened with a few nerdy-looking academic characters. That semester, we went on a mission to wipe this image out of our students’ minds, and replace it with VERY SERIOUS SCHOLARS. The ghost of Indy is hard to stamp out. Everywhere archaeologists gather, they complain about how archaeology is portrayed in pop culture: it’s sensationalistic, cheesy, misleading, schlocky! It gives people the wrong impression of what archaeology is. That last word is the source of the problem, though: archaeologists know what archaeology is, and refuse to let anyone else define it. The cat has always been out of the bag: archaeology has cast a giant shadow on the public imagination from the moment it first emerged as a profession, & the nature of shadows is to distort, and shift, and show us what we want to see. That is why archaeologists should embrace a truth they’d rather not hear: in the popular imagination, archaeology is a form of science fiction. And that’s not a bad thing. Archaeologists should embrace it, and start writing science fiction that promotes their vision of the past and agenda for the present. It’s probably more precise to say that archaeology is “speculative fiction”, a family that includes science fiction, fantasy, and horror. These genres all come from the same roots in Poe, Shelley, Burroughs, and certain forgotten Victorian poets. It’s a diverse genre, and hard to define. For thinking about archaeology, I like Robert Heinlein’s take: “a handy short definition of almost all science fiction might read: realistic speculation about possible future events, based solidly on adequate knowledge of the real world, past and present, and on a thorough understanding of the nature and significance of the scientific method.” Substitute “past events” for “future events” and you’re describing any work of archaeological interpretation. Let’s take a look at the two big sources of popular exposure to archaeology. Archaeologists at the Movies - Hollywood archaeology movies divide roughly into stories set in the past and stories about archaeologists. The films about archaeologists are the ones that gave Hollywood durable and lucrative franchises. So what’s going on there? In 2009 we got the latest installments of the Mummy and Indiana Jones franchises, both of which were stinkers. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor basically takes the The Scorpion King to China. Explorer Rick O’Connell defeats the resurrected first emperor of China, who tries to use his magical powers to animate his terracotta army and conquer the world. The ancient evil is awakened by an archaeologist, in this case Rick’s son Alex. To restore order to the universe, Rick and his Egyptologist wife Evelyn journey to Shangri-La, huge undead armies fight each other, and the evil emperor (played by Jet Li and based very loosely on Qin Shi Huang [259-210BC]) is defeated. (Note the complete absence of any actual mummy in the movie.) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull had an explicitly Sci-Fi flavor. For some unfathomable reason, George Lucas chose to structure the whole movie around artifacts – the crystal skulls – that are well-known and notorious fakes. Then he decided to up the ante by making them the skeletons of aliens. Set in 1957, the plot revolves around a nefarious Soviet plot to use crystal skulls to develop an advantage in psychic warfare. The film is a rich buffet of science fiction tropes: flying saucers, interdimensional travel, psychic powers and an ancient temple full of alien bodies. I can’t decide if it was just a fun caper movie or the latest evidence of George Lucas’ creative senility. Probably both. National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007), sees Nic Cage deploying similar stuff in a less sensational context. He plays cryptologist Benjamin Gates (his mother is the film’s token archaeologist), and solves a series of historical mysteries that pose an existential threat to American identity. The trail leads to the discovery of the “ancient city of gold”, Cibola, which is located inside Mount Rushmore. The movie’s got all the required elements: sinister villains, ancient mysteries, a vigorous, heroic explorer, and a resolution that restores order to the world. Now these films may be stinkers but they represent something important: archaeology is not just vaguely connected with science fiction, it’s the basis for the whole speculative universe that the film explores. Archaeology unleashes the fantasy: the archaeologist/explorer/treasure hunter character unleashes weirdness into the world and then has to fix the problems that result. For archaeologists there’s lots to like here. Time travel, magic, the undead, war with exotic weapons, evil rulers, aliens, and ancient gods are the window dressing around a similar formula: the past contains powerful mysteries that pose an existential threat to human existence, and only the special abilities of the archaeologist-explorer can save the world! The archaeologist acts as a kind of wizard, ensuring that the magical powers of ancient artifacts do not disrupt society, and restoring order when they do. The past is a source of deep disturbances to the collective psyche, and archaeologists are the only ones who can fix them. No wonder that despite our classroom crusade, we never could bring ourselves to take down the Indiana Jones poster in the TA office. The History Channel - You’d think that compared to these Hollywood quests, the History Channel would be more historical. The lineup of shows seems insane and cretinous at first glance. Ancient Aliens? UFO Hunters? Ice Road Truckers? Lumberjacks? But there is a logic here, the way that the History Channel deploys the past reflects how archaeology works in the public imagination. Its offerings fall into three main categories: figuring out hidden truths, reclaiming things that are lost, and extremes (of distance, time, and size). Last year a bunch of ‘lost’ elements of the past were explored in Ancient Discoveries, which focuses on technologies from the ancient world. Episodes featured flamethrowers, rocket cars, explosives, ancient mining technology, Da Vinci’s helicopter prototypes, Caligula’s giant ships, and the first “robots”. Fun stuff that engages the fascination with firsts – but also projects a love of futuristic technology deep into the past. Other shows are more obviously pseudoscience, like UFO Hunters or MonsterQuest. On the surface, these shows have nothing to do with the past, but the History Channel isn’t trying to present linear historical narratives based on archaeological or historical data. Instead, it starts from the perspective of ordinary people, who look to history to help them expand the limits of their world. Viewers want to be scared, titillated, and amazed; taken out of themselves and then brought back again. UFOs, Caligula, giant snakes, Templar labyrinths, and Las Vegas make perfect sense together if you understand them as devices that stretch the edges of reality in plausible ways. Understood as science fiction, the History Channel’s lineup is perfectly logical. Life After People perfectly captures what I’m talking about. It explores what the world will be like after the disappearance of humanity. The science fiction premise allows us to explore archaeological processes – the collapse of buildings, the decay of bodies, ecological succession in abandoned urban spaces. It’s a superb way of making important archaeological questions accessible to ordinary people, at the very same time that it starts from a science fiction premise. When archaeologists complain about the media, someone always points out that TV shows and movies bear little or no resemblance to the lives that archaeologists actually lead. There is no toothbrushing of pottery or writing of excavation reports, no grant applications or tenure reviews. But it’s only “wrong” if we think anyone cares about the sufferings of academics.

You know, everything is so eco now. It’s so sustainable. It’s so gosh darn green! It’s like all the world’s ills have been cured because I wear brown and have a beard and live in a garden. Yeah, right! Lay off the pixie-dust, twinkle toes. All this environmental bullshit the locally grown hair farmers keep trying to sell is barely any help to the stupid planet at all. Most, if not all, of the new environmentalism is fucking hogwash. It’s a way to make eco-sluts feel better than the other gentrified shitheads, but really it doesn’t do anything for the planet, Janet. Eco-shitheads are like computer shitheads - they specialize in kissing their own ass, blowing their accomplishments all out of proportion. If the new ecology is so great, why don’t the people who sell this shtick make it a little more affordable? Why does organic and sustainable have to mean overpriced like a motherfucker? Because it was made by some worthless fucking hippy, who has to charge too much or he’ll have to work a day in his life. If Green products are only for rich people, how does that make sense? It might make the dumbass fucks buying the shit feel good, but it’s a sham. Organic products, especially food, should be cheaper, since they don’t use any chemicals to make. Instead, consumers end up getting price gouged by some hairball. And recycling, while a great idea, actually is done with trucks, at dumps, so it doesn’t really do shit. Plus, most of the overflow from the recycling just goes over to landfills in Korea. You can’t really have a serious environmental movement that’s capitalism-based anyway. If money is involved, it’s probably bad for something. I mean, anyone who drives a car is polluting the shit out of the world every fucking day. If you drive, and you consider yourself an environmentalist, you’re fucking braindead. Nobody can do anything to stop the multi death corporations from destroying the planet. Just by being born, we’ve done more damage to the earth than we’ll ever be able to undo. And as long as co-op destroying hippy corporations like Trader Joe’s and New Seasons are out there selling fake green bullshit to dumb fucking hippy banjo pluckers, you can be sure the whitebread enviro-schmucks are completely inconsequential, if not harmful, to the aforementioned planet and shit. Hippies should be killed by nuclear warheads, that would help the environment -my environment- because I wouldn’t have to hear their self-righteous bullshit.

witch bitch

Man, I blew that studio up. I blew it to smithereens. My ex-roommates were pissed. It was over on 28th and Burnside. I’d like to say it wasn’t my fault, but it was. Now everyone hates me. I had too much stuff crammed in there, I guess. I had my art table Tanya made me. I had my set list collection on the wall. I had a bar, stocked with cheap well booze, and a bunch of cool bar schwag. I had my silk screen set up, and my airbrush, and all my art. I had my TV, which my roommates were always busting in to watch. I was trying to fuck with them, kind of, and I went to the Wicca store and bought some random spells to freak them out. It was kind of funny at first. They were looking at me like I was nutso. I bought some more spells when I was drunk, because I made mega tips. Then, something weird happened. I got this one spell to make me more attractive to chicks-it was a really complex one, where I had to like sew an amulet into my coat. The weird thing was, it actually worked! I fucked like two devastating chicks that night, which was weird coz I never get laid... then I threw one for luck, and I won at video poker that day - like two grand! I couldn’t believe it. I went back up to that store and told that witch bitch to sell me all kinds of shit! She mumbled some kind of warning about powers and using shit for personal gain, or some shit, but I didn’t care. Well, it was some big-ass super spell but it took like ten candles, and you had to say all these stupid poems and shit. I had to build this big altar, but it looked cool. I squirted like a gallon of all this kooky oil and shit on it, like i was supposed to. I actually put some extra on it, just for extra luck. Well, I got done with my janitorial shift the next day, and went home (after drinking 4 Stoli Vanil White Russians and 2 shots of Jaeger) for a nap. I lit all the candles, as it was the 10th day of the spell, and I moved them all to the center of the altar... the only problem was it was soaked in love oil, and it was a cardboard box with a scarf over it. It started on fire while I slept, and I guess it made its way over to the set lists, which set the bar on fire. I had 2 gallons of acetone for the silk screen shit next to the laquer thinner to clean my airbrush under some art. I’m not sure what it was, but I woke up and the walls were on fire. I grabbed whatever I could, and smashed through the burning door. I met the fire department on the way up. When i came out, I was wearing a kimono, and I looked to see what I grabbed on the way out, since I had a lot of money and dope next to my bed. No dice -- I was holding my cock ring and a hash pipe! That was about the time the cops smashed me into a car. “Was it a Meth lab, boy?” they yelled as the apartment re-exploded. “It was witchcraft,” was all I could think of. Well, that got me a trip to the psych ward. But they let me go after like an hour! So I got off, and never even got in any trouble. I saw one of my roommates last week, though. He would not say hi.

zines: for us, not you

There’s a lot of scenes on the east coast, but really if they were any good, they would be in New York. It doesn’t make sense to put out a zine if you live in some embarrassingly crappy dump like Philly. Maybe Philly but if you’re any souther, you have no right to publish a zine. The south is racist, so, if you live there, you obviously tolerate racism, or you’d change it, or move to a real city. There are no actual zines from anywhere below the Mason-Dixon line. People from the south are too stupid to have enough shit to say to fill a zine. If your zine is from the south, it’s fake. Your cross is burning - go somewhere else. You’re not accepted here, hick. Other things that should tell you if a zine is a piece of garbage put out by nitwit fuckwads - tolerance of Christianity. Christians are sworn enemies of women’s rights, and should all be killed, slowly. If you’re not ready to kill Christians, you shouldn’t put out your shitty zine. Other filthy cults, like (gag) Mormons, who fuck their daughters, should never be in zines, or even at zine conventions, or even breathe. Mormons are a racist cult, and need to be poisoned with strychnine. If you’re anti-abortion, you need to die. Thats plain and simple. You cant even talk - you’re an oppressor, and your entire family should be burned alive. Zines are for cool people from California or New York. They’re not for people stupid enough to tolerate religion. If we let people who don’t hate religion enjoy zines, then they could use the information to infiltrate zine stores everywhere. Then they’d have to be violently assaulted inside the store, getting blood all over the new issue of Thrift Score. It’s just a given. It’s like the midwest - with the exception of Chicago, you will find nothing of any value in the midwest. No cultural contributions have ever come from the midwest. It’s an artistic and intellectual dead zone. Except for canning, the midwest has nothing zineworthy that has ever happened there ever. If you think that’s wrong, you’re kidding yourself. The midwest is Richie Cunningham. It’s a dump, and everyone who ever lived there soaked up enough stupidity to last a lifetime. You may be able to be from there, but if you live there right now, you’re either an idiot or you’re moving. Zines are supposed to be by cool people from weird places - or they’re boring and stupid. People in rotten, scummy, horrible racist dumps like Michigan or Kentucky should never, ever publish a zine. Maybe, if it’s a really, really great zine, with amazing writing and great art, then it doesn’t matter. But those zines don’t come from a hell hole dumpy state that sucks. They come from a state with a population that is smart enough to read, not a fucked piece of shit like Texas. So if you’re in the middle of your zine, and you’re in Texas, please, stop now. It’s embarrassing to real zine printers to know that someone stupid enough to live in Texas can put out a zine. It makes everyone look bad. Get your shit together, move somewhere else, then try writing. Otherwise, you’re a fucking parasite leech, destroying zines by publishing them from such a sickening location. I could be wrong - but I’m not, and you know it.


unbelievABLE!!! NEWS OF THE WORLD WITH JASON MCKAY witchcraft! hoaxes! cryptoids! ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theories! scientific scares! the occult! & all manners of weirdness from the desk of the northwests’ premier dubiologist: jason mckay!

June 11 PSYCHIC PHENOMENON Three girls get preferential treatment at a central Vietnamese school, and graduate without having to take proper exams, with the headmasters approval... because they all claim to be possessed by the spirits of former soldiers, buried beneath the schoolyard. July 7 CRYPTOID A rural Lee County, South Carolina witness claims the famous ‘South Carolina Lizard Man’ (South Carolina’s cryptozoological answer to Bigfoot) has returned to the area. The local’s proof was the large and mysterious teeth marks covering his car fender. July 19 MIRACLE Elsewhere in South Carolina … a couple return home from the their local Wal-Mart photo shop excited to find Jesus’ image miraculously appear on their sales receipt! July 22 GHOST The caretaker of an abandoned school, in South Park, Pennsylvania is spooked by unseen footsteps and other ghostly happenings in the former school, and decides to hire local ghost hunting team and TV station to investigate the possible haunted school. July 26 MIRACLE A Harare, Zimbabwe student frightens classmates, after returning ‘from the dead’! The student went home sick on Friday, fell unconscious and apparently died Saturday, recovering and waking up in the mortuary, and returned back to school again Monday. August 8 CONSPIRACY THEORy Recently released secret tapes locked away in the Kennedy Library in Boston reveal that Jackie O believed that vice-president Lyndon B. Johnson as well as a host of Texas tycoons were involved in the JFK assassination. She wanted the secret tapes locked away at least fifty years after her death to protect her family...oops. August 11 WITCHCRAFT Arizona evangelist and exorcist Bob Larson of Spiritual Freedom Church International is desperate in his battle against evil spirits and demons, so he’s begun recruiting and training teenage school girls to help battle against the forces of darkness! August 17 PSYCHIC PHENOMENON A Fort Lauderdale, Florida family of psychics, led by the family matriarch Rose Marks, were arrested and charged for scamming $40 million from their clientele, dubbed ‘Operation Crystal Ball’ by federal investigators. August 26 WITCHCRAFT Students from two different schools in Lopopo, South Africa faint mysteriously during morning prayers; parents and school teachers alike blame the mystery fainting on evil spirits and a Satanic force in the community! September 1 UFO A young man in Hedemora, Sweden shot a pair of pistols through the window of his apartment complex, believing he had successfully shot down a UFO... because he thought the alien invaders we coming to abduct him. September 8 SCIENTIFIC SCARE Russian scientist and UFO researcher Vadim Alexandrovich Chernobrov claims to have invented a magnetic ‘chronometer’ which according to his research is, in fact, a real-life time machine. September 9 PSYCHIC PHENOMENON A reportedly psychic sheep named Sonny Wool living in New Zealand has successfully predicted the winner of the World Rugby Championship’s first game. September 13 CULT The Japanese cult leader Toru Saito of the Yamanashi-based spiritual group ‘Shinsekai’, which claimed it could pitch successful ‘spiritual-pressure sales’, was arrested for swindling 13 million yen from people for ‘prayer fees’. OCTOBER IS KNIGHTS TEMPLAR MONTH!! October 13th, 1307, was the year the Knight Templars lost all their street cred. A holy military order of warrior-monks created during the Crusades in 1119, the Knights Templar became the elite fighting force for Christendom in the Holy Lands. Although their official existence only lasted two centuries, they’re still very present today. Friday the 13th gets its origins from the day they were arrested throughout Europe by French King Philip the Fair on trumped up charges of idolatry and heresy! Many secret societies & fraternal orders make some claim to being descendants of the Templars. ‘Baphomet’ is taken from suspicions regarding the Templars and their secret rituals & our modern banking and checking system is attributed to them. Where’s our Knights Templar stamp?


A Brief History of Smile by Erik den Breejen This piece is accompanied by some of Erik’s paintings for a show of works influenced by SMILE

With Parks gone again after a brief reappearance, Wilson’s work on the album ceased, save for “Heroes and Villains,” the much-anticipated follow-up single to “Good Vibrations.” This time around, however, Wilson’s obsessive tinkering did not yield pop gold. After months of editing and at Freight & Volume in NYC, opening December 10. release delays, the version of the song finally submitted in July 1967 lacked many key elements It’s safe to say that no other unreleased album has captured the public imagination as on display in earlier edits. It did not help that two months earlier, The Beatles had released somemuch as The Beach Boys’ Smile. Recorded in 1966-67, the album promised to be an expansion of thing called Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, hailed as a masterpiece upon arrival. Wilson the ideas displayed on the incredibly popular “Good Vibrations” single. The reasons surrounding was a big fan and rival of The Beatles, with Pet Sounds having sought to outdo Rubber Soul. The the eventual shelving of the album are the stuff of legend and as varied as the sounds contained admiration was apparently mutual, for Sgt. Pepper was inspired by Pet Sounds, as Paul McCarttherein. Adding to the confusion are the (willfully?) incorrect explanations made by the album’s ney would recount on numerous occasions. What is less known is that The Beatles were privy to chief creator, Beach Boy Brian Wilson, who once even claimed he had burned the master tapes. Smile material as it was being created without Wilson’s knowledge or consent. Learning this only The master tapes do in fact exist, and fans will finally be treated to them in their entirety this fall exacerbated his growing paranoia. Derek Taylor, publicity agent for the Beatles, began working when Capitol releases The Smile Sessions. If this sounds familiar, that may be due to the fact that for the Beach Boys in 1966. It is he, in fact, who created the “Brian Wilson is a genius” campaign, Wilson “finished” and re-recorded the entire album in 2004, using none of the original recordings and he who leaked tapes of the Smile music to The Beatles as they worked on Sgt. Pepper. The and no other Beach Boys. The release was seen as a personal triumph for Wilson, who had fastory goes that had all of these things somehow played out differently, Wilson could have finished mously suffered mental problems for years following the Smile era. However, many felt that there Smile as he envisioned it and put it out before Sgt. Pepper, thereby winning the “space race” to was something missing from this new version. psychedelic rock nirvana. Many feel that this would have changed the course of not only The Beach Boys’ career, but of popular music as well. Canceling their scheduled appearance at the Monterey Pop Festival in 1967, where newcomer Jimi Hendrix set his guitar on fire and The Who destroyed their instruments after a frenetic set, made the message clear: The Beach Boys would not transcend their teenybopper origins and reside with the mind-bending rock royalty of the later 1960s. However, the music refused to go away. In the wake of Smile’s shelving, The Beach Boys quickly assembled at their new Brother Records studio in Brian’s house to record Smiley Smile. Tellingly, the album’s production credit goes to The Beach Boys rather than Brian, and it was they who played the instruments, as opposed to Brian’s team of ace session players (later to be known as The Wrecking Crew). Though completely lacking the epic grandeur of Smile, Smiley Smile is not without its charms. As Carl Wilson said, it was “a bunt instead of a grand slam.” Allegedly, it had a very soothing effect on acid casualties at a Texas mental hospital in its day. Here’s what is has from Smile: -The less-than-thrilling single version of “Heroes and Villains” -Stripped-down, re-recorded versions of “Vegetables,” “Wind Chimes,” and “Wonder ful.” (The original versions of these would turn up on the Good Vibrations box set in 1993, along with other Smile tracks.) -Traces of the first part of “Fire” in “Fall Breaks and Back to Winter (W. Woodpecker Symphony)” -The chords and melody of “He Gives Speeches” (which itself probably wouldn’t have made it onto Smile, but is killer nonetheless) are used for “She’s Goin’ Bald,” albeit with new lyrics and a “comedy break” that may serve as a glimpse into the proposed companion comedy album Brian wanted to include with Smile at one point. For further insight into Brian’s comedy excursions, check out “George Fell Into His French Horn” or the “Vegetables” promo on the bootlegs. Smile would continue to haunt the group for the rest of its career. After the success of “Kokomo” in 1988, Mike Love, having finally topped the charts without Brian’s help, could be found complaining in print about the public’s fascination with what he called “a whole album of Brian’s madness.” Rumors of plans for the album’s release would crop up now and then, and a penalty clause even existed in their 1970s contract with Warner Bros. Records should they not deliver the album by a certain date. A few more choice cuts found their way onto later albums, with varying degrees of additions and “finishing touches” that hard core fans would debate the authenticity of. They could be found here:

In spite of the unfinished nature of some of the original tracks, what becomes clear upon listening to them is that these are extraordinary recordings made at what turned out to be the creative peak of their author. Working with lyricist and kindred spirit Van Dyke Parks, Wilson sought to make a new kind of spiritual music, what he called a “teenage symphony to God.” On the heels of his attempt to produce “the greatest rock ‘n’ roll album ever made” with the melancholic Pet Sounds, Wilson was on fire creatively and ready to push his already rapidly expanding musical limits. The “modular” approach to record production pioneered by Wilson with “Good Vibrations” saw him focusing in the studio on particular sounds and feels rather than traditional performances of songs. The basic song would already be mostly written at the outset of recording, but Wilson would then experiment extensively with different permutations and layers of sounds that would ultimately form the finished recording by way of tape editing. Additionally, Wilson was by now aware of the different equipment, acoustic properties, and echo chambers available at each of the four Los Angeles recording studios he used, and insisted on using each of them in order for these unique sonic characteristics to be deployed as he saw fit. This is why Wilson is known as one of the first songwriters to use the recording studio as a musical instrument and also why “Good Vibrations” took an unprecedented nine months to finish. The prospect of taking this approach to an entire album, combined with Brian’s own perfectionism and impulsive -- dare I say indulgent -- nature, are part of why the album was never finished. Another key reason is that there was objection to the new material from within the band itself, mostly from increasingly marginalized singer and sometime lyricist Mike Love, who told Wilson not to “fuck with the formula,” referred to Parks’ lyrics as “acid alliteration,” and intimidated the wordsmith away from the project, eventually leaving Wilson without a collaborator. Other factors contributing to the demise of Smile were Wilson’s own escalating drug use and paranoia, lengthy lawsuits with Capitol Records, and the formation of The Beach Boys’ own record label and film production company. It seems that there was too much on Brian’s plate. It probably didn’t help matters that he had his entire house redecorated for inspiration, opened a health food store, emptied his swimming pool for use as an echo chamber, and canceled recording sessions due to “bad vibes.” One unjustly notorious anecdote, however, is the oft-repeated story of the “Fire” music, also known as “Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow,” which is typically used to illustrate the deteriorating state of Brian’s mental health. In order to get the musicians in the mood, Wilson passed out plastic fire helmets, wore one himself, and even burned a small fire in a bucket. Van Dyke Parks himself has called this behavior “regressive,” but in the annals of rock ‘n’ roll history, it is a relatively benign occurrence. The playback of this incredibly powerful piece of music left the session musicians stunned. Later, upon learning that several fires had broken out in the same neighborhood as the recording studio used to make the piece, Wilson became convinced that his music was to blame. If you listen to the original recording, this does not necessarily seem to be such a far-fetched idea. Wilson sought to channel the power of the elements and the voice of God in his music, and his human psyche was not strong enough to withstand it.

-20/20 (1969): “Our Prayer”: originally known simply as “Prayer,” and intended as the intro to Smile. “Cabinessence”: the three movements of this song had their own names on the tape boxes, which caused some to question whether or not they belonged together until it was discovered that this was Wilson’s original intent. It’s great fun to hear Mike Love sing the poetic mantra at the end of the song knowing that he objected to it so much. Extra backing vocals were added to both tracks. -Sunflower (1970): “Cool, Cool Water”: this spiffy re-recording features the water chant and other elements from the “water” music, aka “Love to Say Dada,” aka “In Blue Hawaii” (circa 2004). -Surf’s Up (1971): “Surf’s Up”: This is the song that would not fade from people’s memories, though it took a long time to see the light of day. Brian had performed it solo on national television and recorded a similar studio version. A version with full instrumentation remained unfinished until this point, when Carl re-did the lead vocal and the group added “by-gones by-gones.” The “second movement” of the song is the same as Brian’s original, but then the ending goes into “Child Is Father of the Man,” another controversial move, though Brian allegedly came out of bed to tell them to make this transition. The final lyric, written in ’66 but heard only on this version, ends the album beautifully:

“A children’s song. Have you listened as they play? Their song is love, and the children know the way.”


by sean Äaberg

HUMAN BEING LAWNMOWER #1 & #2 by AVI SPIVAK When I got this zine in the mail my jaw dropped! Named after an MC5 tune, Human Being Lawnmower is just stuffed with all my favorite junk! With a focus on the Punk Rock (emphasis on Rock), loaded with Spivak’s great cartoons & constantly evoking PUNK magazine, this zine does it for me. It even reprints a ViZ comic about Noddy Holder! I’m retarded for this kind of stuff! Gary Panter Interviewed! Dictators interviewed! MC5 interviewed! Apache interviewed! Get yours from avispivak.com ROCTOBER #49 by JAKE AUSTEN In a better world Roctober would be read instead of those other music magazines, & it would come out every month because there was enough advertising money to pay for a staff. But here we are, where the good stuff has to fight it out for years & the true spirit of America languishes in obscurity. Half weird & obscure music, from Robot Rock to Monkey Rock, half distillation of the lost chutzpah of the USA, half bizarre comics, Roctober is the full 150%. Issue 49 is the all 80s issue, featuring a GREAT interview with Danzig who has really been growing on me. Some parts of that were penned & illustrated by my friend Dennis Dread. You also get a great interview with Boyd Rice, an awkward interview with Jack Grisham & SO MUCH MORE, including one of the best review sections around! Roctober also is behind the fantastic TV dance show CHICA-GO-GO, which rules! youtube that! I cannot recommend Roctober more! Get yours at ROCTOBER.COM. THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES AT CBGB’S: A Secret History of Jewish Punk by Steven Lee Beeber published by Chicago Review Press I’m almost a Jew, I’ve always had mostly Jewish friends, I like Jewish things, I can cook a Seder dinner better than most Jewish grandmas. My wife’s Jewish, which makes my three sons Jewish. My first Punk band was always all Jews except for me & my brother. Like most Jews, I’m obsessed with Nazi Germany, toilet humor & the proper elements of American culture, all of which originate in NYC. I can argue with you about what you should look for in a proper bubblegum, or where to find the best bialy. My last name, despite being Norwegian, ends in Berg. Like most Jews, part of me also hates Jews, for being fence sitters, being extra-national, for being in a secret club, for being small & weak & weaselly & of course for being God’s chosen people. The Heebie-Jeebies at CBGB’s not only has the greatest title, it is also a fantastic exploration of a very interesting subject. We begin with the Godfather of Jewish Punk & one of my personal heroes Lou Reed & a look at the relationship between NYC, Punk & the Jews. Beeber seems intent on painting Warhol an anti-Semite which is a little tedious. We focus on Danny Fields who has a thing for dangerous goyim like Andy Warhol, the MC5, Iggy Pop & the Asheton Brothers, Jim Morrison & Johnny Ramone. The Dictators with their “Master Race Rock” turn out to be entirely Jewish & there’s a fantastic description of Dick Manitoba growing up in a part of NYC that is still so Old World that there are pickle barrels on the street. There is of course a chapter on the Ramones which focuses on Tommy Ramone, who is normally in the background but today is the only original Ramone left standing. Beeber is a great writer, everything flows along smoothly until the last few chapters, but you don’t have to read the whole book! An American Demon by Jack Grisham published by ECW I’ve always liked TSOL & Jack Grisham since seeing them in Suburbia when I was a kid, so I was pretty stoked to read this book. An American Demon is a fictionalized autobiography of Grisham, written as if he was a demonic consciousness in the body of a suburbanite kid. I’ve felt that way plenty of times myself so I entertained the idea. As the book stretches on, I found reading it to be more & more tedious. An American Demon just ends up feeling very schlocky to me, it’s short story material that goes on & on & on forever. I also quickly lost patience with the whole demonic angle. I guess America has a thing for corny supernatural tales nowadays, but I do not. My advice, cut the book down to sixty pages & publish it in a magazine.

WHITE RIOT: PUNK & THE POLITICS OF RACE edited by Stephen Duncombe & Maxwell Tremblay published by VERSO This book presents the intersection of two things I used to think were important & have since decided that Punk is a confused/ perverted form of Rock & Roll & racial politics are divisive & not something to discuss in public. That said, I still think about these things a lot & was quite excited to sit down & read this book. White Riot presents a number of essays, each from different authors & sources, from the liner notes of MC5 records to the MRR letters column, presented chronologically to illustrate the relationships between Punk & race. My conclusion after reading the book is that racial theory has become more & more obnoxious as time has passed & that the world of Punk discussion has become limited to the indoctrinated, leftist variety. My favorite essay was Hotsy-Totsy Nazi Schatzes: Nazi Imagery & the Final Solution to the Final Solution from The Heebie-Jeebies at CBGB’s, which embodied the correct cartoonish take on race & everything else that I like about Punk, or really, what I like about New Yorkers from a certain time period. That is, you take an uncomfortable subject & you bring it to the surface by using it humorously, disrespectfully & in volatile contexts. This isn’t to solve the world’s problems, which Rock & Roll & especially Punk will never do, but to relieve tension & keep them at the surface instead of hiding them away. As Punk rolled on & splintered into a thousand mutations, some of those became very uptight, very much about identity politics & very much antithetical to the initial outputs of The Ramones, The Dictators, PUNK Magazine & all the stuff that I actually care about. White Riot documents all of it, which got me real frustrated & gave me me a headache.


interview with the caveman John Zerzan is one of the most notable exports from Eugene, Oregon, where PORK is headquartered. He is the primary advocate of Anarcho-Primitivism, a cartoonishly Quixotic philosophy which suggests humanity close Pandora’s Box & return to the trees. Zerzan believes humanity took the wrong road in embracing symbolic culture as embodied by language, art & numbers, all of which he theorizes alienate us from reality. Zerzan’s observations tend to be correct, but his solutions (as is often the case) are where things get... cavey. If you look at Judeo-Christian mythology, you’ll find the same ideas in Adam & Eve eating from the tree of knowledge & being cast from paradise. Sure, life became complicated, painful & embarrassing as the two gained knowledge of self & the world, but to live innocently under the thumb of God holds no interest for me & is fundamentally anti-human. What separates us from beasts is our ability to project our conceptual imagination on the world & create new things from nothing! As someone who is sometimes more interested in the IDEA of a hamburger than an actual hamburger & believes thoroughly in the world of human artifice, Zerzan is a philosophical rival of mine who I was very pleased to at least attempt to have a dialog with. SEAN: Hi, My name is Sean Äaberg, I publish PORK magazine. I’ve been interested in interviewing you for awhile about primitivism & civilization. Just to be up front, my angle is distinctly pro-civilization, but I’m interested in your ideas & in their popularity & how they relate to various other impulses in society. ZERZAN: Let’s see what we might do together. Not impressed with your zine so far but I am open to dialogue.

john zerzan: anarcho primitivist

SEAN: When I first moved to Eugene I think I still had some elements of anti-civilization in me, but moving from a big city where you take all of that for granted to a place like Eugene where it feels like it could be consumed by trees & mold if you stopped sweeping your front porch, I very clearly understood that humanity’s foothold on the planet took a lot of work & maintenance. And as with all tools, it wasn’t that the tools were the problem, but it was how people used or didn’t use the tools that was the problem.

You said that you weren’t impressed with PORK so far, I’m wondering, outside of theory & political propaganda, what sort of magazine would you be impressed by that actually had an entertainment focus? You’re a baby-boomer, & from what I’ve understood of your theory, there is an extrapolation of the generational story of the baby-boomers & pulling back the veil from the promises of modernity, where technology & suburban culture are revealed to be masking or even causing a stewing pot of dysfunctional, unhappy & meaningless lives. I agree with this narrative to a degree, but due to a variety of circumstances I never bought into the contrasting selling point of new & better cleaning products bringing you happiness & the conveniences of modern life being liberating. Without disappointment, I’m not so quick to point the finger at technology as a bogey man for unhappiness & dysfunction. You have written about language inhibiting human development & “the failure of symbolic thought.” I’m a conceptual artist, cartoonist & a writer, so I have a VERY symbolic brain. But I also don’t substitute symbols for reality, I enjoy symbols as they are, on their own terms. I understand that Warhol’s banana is not a real banana, but “the idea of a banana”. I don’t see any problem with this, but a lot of people have BIG problems with symbols & stereotypes & archetypes. I see this as a problem with their programming & their capability for thought, not the fault of symbols.

purveyors of the industrial cancer: the flintstones

ZERZAN: Tools are fine, as I see it; it’s systems of technology that are a central blight. The nice, clean-looking high-tech stuff is part of complex, interdependent systems that have systematically fucked the natural world. The goodies have bloody trails in that they depend on industrialism for their very existence. How they are used is secondary to what they are, how it is that they exist. Also, global warming is how much industry there is. Both are rising. You’re worried about nature taking over? How about the accelerating extinction of species, acidification of the oceans, extreme weather, the melting of the polar caps and the glaciers, collapsing ecosystems, mounting industrial disasters (and not just last year’s Gulf of Mexico 5 million barrels of oil or the current worse-than-Chernobyl Japanese nuclear disaster), etc. We need to reconnect with nature not fear it. And all the above is only the merest mention of the dire situation regarding the physical world. How about the pathologies of our social sphere. Where did community go? I am struck by the isolation and angst of the barren technoculture in which anything goes. Rising obesity, depression, loneliness, friendlessness, autism to name a few off the top. How about the chronic, if not daily, massacre shootings (e.g. family shootings). Think that’s telling us something about where we’re at and where we’re going? Get a fucking clue. SEAN: John, I didn’t come out the gate calling you a misanthropic chicken little & I wont! I grew up in a household that was VERY conscious about environmental issues & social issues relating to how technology shapes & molds culture, just because I’m not howling about it doesn’t mean that I’m ignorant. That’s presumpeco sell-out? captain caveman tive. I’d like to actually do an interesting interview with you. You list a lot of bad stuff for sure, but I think it doesn’t take into consideration the resilience of the planet & of humanity. It seems like hysteria & pessimism as a call to action. There are consequences for all actions, but I suppose I don’t have a problem with that. I think a lot of things are being done poorly & carelessly, at the same time, condemning civilization seems like condemning what makes us human. To continue, the alienation that you are describing is most likely not from the use of technology or industrial systems, but because culture has not kept up with the speed of technology & so people haven’t been properly socialized into how these technologies work with us. I was very much raised in the milieu of viewing technology as an alienating factor & having a reverence for native American life & how the chaos of the city fed into distorted behavior, but all I had to do was read the Futurist Manifesto & it reversed all of those assumptions. I understood who we are & where we stand now. I see us living in outer space VERY soon, what happens to earthcentric ecological doomsday proclamations when we’re not stuck on this rock anymore?

ringo starr as caveman

ZERZAN: We are not on the same planet, so to speak. No point in this. “Reverence for life”?? It’s the industrial cancer that would enable your solution, escape from Mother Earth! You do not seem to get any of this.

Get a fucking clue!

me like! raquel welch in ONE MILLION YEARS BC

TOP TEN

CAVEMAN‘ROCK’sONGS

1. Be a Caveman by the Avengers 2. Troglodyte by the Jimmy Castor Bunch 3. Caveman Rock by the Warlocks 4. Rock With the Caveman by Tommy Steele 5. Primitive by the Groupies 6. Teenage Caveman by the Rock & Roll Adventure Kids 7. I Was a Teenage Caveman by Randy Luck 8. Caveman by Tommy Roe 9. Teenage Caveman by the Stomach Mouths 10. Caveman by the Cramps 11. Bowling with Bedrock Barney by the Dickies 12. Caveman Love by Spaceman & the Rockets 13. Primitive Love by Suzi Quatro INSTRUMENTAL BONUS: Caveman by Richie Allen METAL BONUS: Caveman by Post Mortem & Quest for Fire by Iron Maiden BONUS! BANDS NAMED AFTER CAVEMEN: The Cavemen, The Troggs, The Neanderdolls, Kåre & The Cavemen.


Artist: John Casey

by Theo Konrad Auer

Oakland based artist John Casey skillfully finds a balance between playful experimentation and disciplined regular studio practice. In the last several years he has found the time to curate, volunteer as a tech consultant for Oakland, CA’s wildly successful Art Murmur art walk, coauthor(with Derek Weisberg) a zine on Bay Area BBQ joints and expand on a body of work that he is very likely drawing up as you read this article. His work recalls that of Hieronymus Bosch minus the religious aspects. His line work reminds one of the drawings of Edward Gorey. Casey also shares his talent for finding humor and the unexpected elements in subjects that in lesser hands could be seen as something more easily defined or less open to interpretation. His approach is one that places a premium on intuition. “I feel that approach is more honest for me than simply illustrating ideas. I try to purposely choose the “wrong path” when making work. I try to avoid the obvious answer when making creative decisions.” Whereas in the past, he has used primarily pen and ink for his drawing work, of late he’s been utilizing pencil allowing for a more loose, playful and at times subtractive milieu. At the heart of most of Casey’s work is the concept of “biomorphology” which he explains as being the “...[idea] that the people that inhabit my imagined world have the ability to morph physically to express their emotional or psychological states of mind. This...could be both voluntary or involuntary. The results are characters that may have big or disembodied heads or hands, crazy eyes or leering grins.” Increasingly these denizens of the artist’s worlds have come to life through collaboration, and transcend the novelty of working in tandem making for some unexpected juxtapositions. His upcoming show “Tall Tales: Collaborative projects by John Casey & Friends” at Oakland’s Swarm gallery will be comprised for its largest part by such collaborative work from over 35 artists along with a few solo pencil works on paper and clay-board. This work comprises two series.

“Tall Tales: Collaborative projects by John Casey & Friends” opened October 1st at Swarm Gallery In Oakland: swarmgallery.com More info on John Casey can be found at his website: bunnywax. com

With “Hands & Pants” Casey gave the artists drawings of, well, “hands” and/or “pants” for them to finish. As the artist elaborates,“I just received one from Dan Nelson where he virtually obliterated my hands and pants to [create] a sort of Brutalist Mickey Mouse.” He is not kidding, having seen the piece he just mentioned there is little or nothing left of the original. Hunter Mack filled a ghostly, gridded figurative mass with an earthly palette that simultaneously recalls the 8 – bit sprites of old video games and perhaps a bit satirically – the trendiness of such motifs. Some artists like Billy Sprague helped bring out the sensual possibilities in Casey’s work, in this case the employing an intricate, dark, coruscating line that parallels and compliments what is already there. The second series “Call & Response” is made up of collaborations done with the artist’s wife Mary Kalin-Casey, a longtime fiction writer. These were for me the most surprising and compelling works I got to preview during a recent studio visit. The two took a fairly straight forward approach where a drawing was made based upon a piece of writing or a piece of writing provided the starting point for a given drawing. The results will be published as a book that will debut at the show’s opening. This short excerpt from Mary Kalin – Casey’s poem “rainbow crasher” feels like it captures the sentiment I have found inherent in John Casey’s recent work both solo and collaborative:

“fantastic dreamer/rainbow crasher/fall and be reborn.”


originsOfweirdoart by SEAN AABERG “Whenever I looked at that drawing, I felt I was looking, for the first time, at reality - my reality. The world that my parents, teachers, & responsible type people all around me belonged to wasn’t my world. Why did I have to be like them, live like them? I didn’t. And Rat Fink helped me realize that.” -Ed “Big Daddy” Roth

culture is now part & parcel of civilian life. On one hand, you’ve got the world of the squares, keeping the lid on America, on the other hand, you’ve got run-away trash-culture futurism as embodied by hot rods, surfing, rock & roll, jazz, street philosophy, motorcycles, B-movies, comic books, magazines & Modern art. At the same time, everyone is young & having kids so it is a youth oriented culture. Out of this equation comes Weirdo Art. America is hungering for cartooning, there are articles being written about the profitable world of cartooning. New styles are being rewarded with heaps of money & the hunger for novelty pops out Boris Artzybasheff & Basil Wolverton. Wolverton is the undisputed father of Weirdo Art. An Oregonian, Wolverton started out doing “normal” comics until the late 40s when he busted out his gross “spaghetti & meatballs” monstrosities. From there on out, it was all distortion & disgust. I include Boris Artzybasheff because he was doing these distorted figures a few years earlier than Wolverton & because his work is more of a cartoony high-art than the trash culture of Wolverton, Artzybasheff appearing in TIME magazine, Wolverton in MAD. There is an important thing that goes on with Weirdo Art which is grabbing the high culture & dragging it through the gutter. Artzybasheff was also part of the psychological warfare division in WWII (!). As Weirdo Art picks up & baby boomers start hitting the age where you can walk down to the corner store & spend your allowance, American Trash Culture explodes.

MOUSE

THE WEIRDO T-SHIRT CRAZE

At some point in the mid-50s, the Weirdo t-shirt craze gets rolling. Bohemian, Beatnik, “Father of Modern Pin-Striping” & gunsmith Von Dutch gets the credit for starting the Basil wolverton Weirdo T-Shirt Craze when he starts airWhenever you say that this person or that per- brushing his morbid surreal designs on car club shirts. The trendoids follow suit & Ed son did something first, it’s pretty easy to find someone who had done it before them. There’s “Big Daddy” Roth, Pete Millar, Dean Jeffries & “I make a point of staying right at the edge of Stanley Mouse are producing Weirdo T-Shirts always an Ub Iwerks or 12 for every Walt Dispoverty. I don’t have a pair of pants without ney & they all have their roles to play, you dig? by 1958. Von Dutch’s punishment for his a hole in them, and the only pair of boots devotion to art & individualism is to have his It’s a mixture of circumstances that produces I have are on my feet. I don’t mess around identity sold post-mortem to a weak-sauce outcomes, & one of those circumstances with unnecessary stuff, so I don’t need much designer jeans company worn by the likes of is the people who channel these things into money. I believe it’s meant to be that way. Paris Hilton & Britney Spears. their work, but given a different set of inputs, There’s a ‘struggle’ you have to go through, and if you make a lot of money it doesn’t make they’d probably end up doing something else. That’s how it works as far as I’m concerned. the ‘struggle’ go away. It just makes it more So, Weirdo Art comes out of the post WWII complicated. If you keep poor, the struggle is world, where all these guys are coming home simple.“ -Von Dutch on the spiritual aspects victorious, full of their new skills & experiof Kustom Kulture. I like the quote, & if that’s ences in the war, with America’s whole military your trip, that’s one way to get closer to “the economy turned inward, producing cars struggle”. Of course these days it’s easier to keep poor than ever & I’ve got everything that’s & consumer goods instead of airplanes & bullets. Military culture is inherently grittier & free already! more morbid than civilian culture, & military

ED “BIG DADDY” ROTH

RAT FINK

Boris Artzybasheff

Rat Fink is the Mickey Mouse of Weirdo Art, created by Ed “Big Daddy” Roth, the Walt Disney of Kustom Kulture, in 1963. Rat Fink was modeled after Stanley Mouse’s Freddy Flypogger & Mouse characters combined together. Chickens & eggs aside, what matters is Rat Fink became THE Weirdo that people remember & that still attracts the children. Ed Roth & his Rat Fink explode across America & Roth & Rat become bigger than Kustom Kulture, Weirdo Art or anything else, they become a force of nature. Roth cashes in on all the crazes, but unlike so many who have cashed in, Roth doesn’t clean it up, in fact, Roth seems to make things dirtier, crazier & weirder as a rule. Eventually described as the “Supply Sergeant to the Hell’s Angels” (& keep in mind that this guy is selling plastic Nazi helmets to seven year old skateboarders), Roth finds God in the Latter Day Saints & backs off of the manic degeneracy of his Weirdo empire, but it’s too late. By this time, the bulging eyes, popping veins, ropey hair, meat-ball like tumors & Rock & Roll attitude have permeated the country & are melted into the cracks just waiting to be unleashed again.

VON DUTCH’S FINAL SOLUTION by CHARLES KRAFFT

Hand painted signage is making a comeback as a lost tradecraft and I’ve been meaning to hire one of the young tyros on the Seattle scene, Sean Barton, to help me create a Von Crutch for Stan Betz. In 2002 I called Betz at his Speed and Color shop in Orange, CA and asked to interview him for the seminal The Art of Von Dutch coffee table book that’s now out-of-print. He blew me off with such high handed hot rodder hauteur I was left stunned by his rudeness. I’ve never gotten over it and one day I want to send that lacquer fume addled son-of-a-bitch a pinstriped Von Crutch to hobble around his shop on. I’ve never met him, but I read somewhere that he lost a leg. Everyone who ever knew Von Dutch personally is a geezer now and Stan Betz may not even be alive anymore. In 2007 he auctioned off his collection of VD memorabilia for a fortune so it could be that he’s gone to join his famous friend in the big spray booth in the sky. As far as I’m concerned he was already halfway there when I talked to him. Bob Burns is a kindler gentler Von Dutch friend and flame keeper. He’s a sign painter in Prescott, Arizona who had a 38 year friendship with him. Burns was a repository for all things VD before the Internet and the Bobby Vaughn/ Christian Audigier global Von Dutch Originals leisurewear blitz. He actually owns the copyright on the Flying Eyeball. He registered it before Dutch died. I don’t know the whole of that story, but he once sent me copies of the legal papers along with the stapled together Xeroxed catalog of VD swag he used to mail out. He recently initiated a campaign on his Facebook page to help out Dutch’s widow Sheila who is ill and struggling to make ends meet. He bought her a car. I think he’s in a retirement home himself now recovering from a stroke. I sent Bob Burns a 2011 New Year greeting in which I compared the dismal Social Security benefits I can expect to Dutch’s zero sum retirement package. According to legend his father Walker Howard advised him not to sign up for the card. Social Security was a Roosevelt administration wrinkle and not everyone in America was on board with the New Deal. I figured maybe Walker had been a New Deal skeptic until Dutch’s sister Virginia Reyes set me straight. She’d read my message to Bob and wrote that her brother did have a Social Security number. I doubt Dutch got any Social Security, though, because he died two years short of 65 which in 1992 was age the benefits kicked in. I know that he insisted on being paid only in cash for his work because graphics guru Art Chantry once commissioned a cover for a Christmas issue of Seattle’s music newspaper The Rocket and was instructed to send the bills in a book. The drawing was too caustic to run, but Chantry paid him anyway and then gave it to me. I keep it in a vault now. I suspect that Von Dutch was a tax scofflaw who couldn’t be bothered to do the math on every nut and bolt he turned into a Kustom Kulture fetish object and then file for a measly return on it at the end of every year. If that’s the case then there wouldn’t have been any Social Security for him had he lived long enough to collect it. It’s too bad he winked out before he designed a solution to old age, sickness, death and taxes for the next generation of self-employed artists and manual arts mahatmas now watching the economy collapse around them and wondering if they’ll even be able to afford a future. Well, maybe he did design a Final Solution in the form the arsenal of the guns and knives he left behind. These will come in handy for those that own them. The rest of us will just have make do with whatever we can cobble together ourselves from his mechanical drawings when the time comes.


WEIRDO ARTIST: BEN LYON

I first noticed Ben Lyon’s work when I got the Personal & the Pizzas “Raw Pie” record. It yelled all the correct reference points of Weirdo Art & American Trash Culture, but his hand was distinctly his. After I saw his awesome poster for 1-2-3-4 GO! Fest, I had to see what else this dude was doing. After a little digging I found that he’s been very busy doing lots of great art, mostly for music oriented stuff. I caught up with Ben at the Circle K. SEAN: What kind of cultural detritus were you into as a kid? BEN: I was a kid in the 80’s and early 90’s…so I was warped by Mad Balls, Garbage Pail Kids, Ren and Stimpy, Pee Wee’s Playhouse, Weird Al, Mad Magazine, & Nick at Nite re-runs. Also, I grew up around hot rods and old cars…so that whole subculture was a big influence on me…it still is. I even met Ed Roth once when I was in middle school. SEAN: Yeah dude, there was a monsters & grossness revival going for a little while there. Meeting Ed Roth is like meeting Walt Disney! What was that like?

SEAN: What is your favorite cartoon record cover?

BEN: I was star struck! He was at the Detroit Autorama with his Beatnik Bandit II and there was a line of people waiting for him to sign stuff. I didn’t have anything for him to sign but I got to talk to him for a minute...I just told him that I liked his art a lot and that the Mysterion is my favorite of his cars and I told him that my dad let me pinstripe his ‘78 Oldsmobile wagon when I was 8...It was pretty neat.

BEN: I like Cliff Mott’s cover for the “HoDad Hootenany!” comp LP. The Flamin Groovies “Supersnazz” and Crumb’s “Cheap Thrills” covers are classics, of course. Also, I need a copy of “Goofy Grape Sings”.

SEAN: Do you have any characters in your work that you repeat? BEN: Yeah, I work Quisp into a lot of my work...and Nobunny. I’ve done several posters with Nobunny drawn in the style of the “Give It To Me” cover I did. SEAN: What is your favorite newspaper comic strip? BEN: Oh, I dunno…I like that “Garfield Minus Garfield” site. SEAN: What do you want to be doing in three years? BEN: Sitting on a beach with a pile of money and some cold beers. I don’t think that’s gonna happen, but I can dream. Hopefully in three years I’ll be making some money at this and/or on tour with my band. SEAN: The cold beers at least for sure. How do your bands (The Hemingers & the Burning Hatreds) fit in with your art work? BEN: Well, it depends on the band. In the Hemingers I design almost all our stuff. In the Burning Hatreds we are all artists/graphic designers, so we usually design stuff together.

SEAN: John Holmstrom worked for Scholastic & later High Times while doing PUNK magazine, do you have any ideal “big clients” out there? BEN: I want some of that Scion money!! I think it’d be rad to design stuff for a children’s TV show.

SEAN: I think you have to do shitty graffiti art to get Scion to sponsor you. Personal of “& the Pizzas” was talking to me about a kid’s TV show featuring them. You’d be an obvious choice for design! Tell me what this looks like. BEN: Oh, I can do shitty graffiti! A Pizzas kid’s show... well you’d need a big finkedout greaser head with a tongue sticking out that’s a big red slide. At the end of the slide is a foam pit shaped like a NY slice, and all the chunks of foam rubber are shaped like pepperonis and mushrooms and pepper rings and cheese. A few lucky audience members should get to slide down it at the end of the show... SEAN: Hey, I gotta go! I think someone is trying to steal my car! BEN: I’ll help you out, I got this chain from the Pizzas! FIND MORE OF BEN LYON’S WORK ON HIS FLICKR (look him up cos the url is a mess!)!!!


SKOOL DAZE WITH Omar “Apache” Hernandez Well, my favorite class in high school was actually a class i wasn’t really in. I used to ditch French class & hang out with Chuck & all these other dudes in their video production class. it was pretty awesome, their teacher never gave a shit either. I think she asked me once if i was really in that class. I said no. All the class was by the way was getting a video camera, & going around campus filming dumb shit. Preeeeeetty cooool. That was freshman year.


PORK’S BACK PAGE FUNNIES GARBAGE CANDY by SEAN ÄABERG

GUMBALL JERRY by SEAN ÄABERG

NOBUNNY FUNNIES by SEAN ÄABERG

EX-GIRLFRIENDS by SEAN ÄABERG


gwa ha ha ha!

IN

THE

nothing like drinking wine in the groovy graveyard!

ES

P

K E TT OR

by Katie & Sean Ă„aberg

oooooooooooooooooooohhhh!!!

what was that?

shhhhh!

OOOAAAHHHH!!!

UMMMM quiet!

i think...

Mama!

run for your lives!

hyaAAAHHHH!!!

i think we lost that spook!

GWWUUUUUU!!!

hyuuuuuuu!!!

this is one spunky spook!

eeehhhhhoooo!

the coast is clear!

KWAAIEEEEE!!!

kyap! kyap! kyap!

el endo?

PORK #4  

Featuring Shannon & the Clams, Personal & the Pizzas, Wax Idols, the Hamburglars, Cyclops, Ben Lyon, John Casey, photo comics, Weirdo Art, B...

PORK #4  

Featuring Shannon & the Clams, Personal & the Pizzas, Wax Idols, the Hamburglars, Cyclops, Ben Lyon, John Casey, photo comics, Weirdo Art, B...

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