ROCK&ROLL+WEIRDO ART+BAD IDEAS FREE!
SUMMER # 11
KEITH MORRIS-SHANNON&THECLAMS-DR.DEMENTO-darren merinuk
JOSE GABRIEL ANGELES-JORDAN SPEER-OTTO SPLOTCH-dennis dread
NOT SUITABLE FOR SQUARES
PORK MAGAZINE SUMMER 2013 #11 FILTH!SCUM!CHAOS!
PORK ARMY: LIL PIGS JUST
DON’T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING ELSE!!!
I used to think that the Baby Boomer Hippies were the biggest jerks in the world for using up all the fun & then closing the doors behind them, like older siblings who shut you out of their room & disappeared into a world of fun leaving you in the hallway to suck on the carpet. I’d read the adventures of Hunter S. Thompson & feel terrible spite & jealousy towards him, having so heavily exploited the relatively open society of the 60s. I was feeling the oppressive weight of the super uptight America we live in today & the incredibly tense vibes of the people. At some point I realized that no one was holding me back but myself & that letting what I thought the world was like have power over me was MY problem. I was the one who was settling for perceived reality like a chump. I took a step through that door of freedom & I won’t settle for anything else ever again! You neither! -SEAN
internetpork.com 541*556*5778 PO Box 12044 Eugene OR 97440 U$A
BY SEAN + KATIE ÄABERG
CONTRIBUTORS: jake austen, mAX CLOTT, ERIK DENBREEJEN, CHICO FELIX, DIRTY DONNY GILLIES, aNDREW GOLDFARB, CAPTAIN HEAVY, DANNY JAMES, ANDY JORDAN, BEN LYON, BOBBY MADNESS, J.J. McKAY, CHRISTOPHER MICHAEL, SHAWN PACHECO, JAKE RAT, TIM ROOT, DANIEL SHOUP, THE ILLAGE VIDIOT. MODELS: LOS ÄABERG BROS, SAMMY CLATTERBUCK, ALLISON DITSON, AMELIA HART, BRIGID JOHNS, NICK SORACCO, AARON SULLIVAN HAIR & MAKEUP: AMELIA HART 541*870*0345 COSTUMERY: ALLIHALLA (ALLIHALLA.COM) PORK is published quarterly by GOBLINKO. sPECIAL THANKS: PORK ARMY, the extended pork family, Nick Soracco, Nick Krause, Otto, Henry & Jimmy, RUXTON & our advertisers! you WANNA ADVERTISE! CONTACT KATIE@INTERNETPORK.COM or CALL 541*556*5778 FOR PORK’S REASONABLE RATES! GOBLINKO is a full-service art production company! let’s talk! PORK #11: 30,000 PRINT RUN ALL CONTENT COPYRIGHT © 2013 GOBLINKO. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
HEY KIDS!!! WHAT TIME IS IT? PORK TIME FOR LIL PIGS!!! THIS IS THE PORK ARMY FOR KIDS UP TO AGE 13!!! GET THE KIT. SEW ON YOUR BACK PATCH. STUD YOUR VEST. PUT ON SOME ROCK&ROLL & RUN WILD THROUGH THE COUNTRY! wHAT YOU GET: 1 X PORK ARMY LIL’ PIGS 2 COLOR SCREEN PRINTED CANVAS BACK PATCH. 1 X 11”X17” LIL PIGS POSTER. 1 X LIL PIGS MEMBERSHIP CARD. 3 X 1.25” LIL PIGS BUTTONS. 1 X 2.25” LIL PIGS BUTTON. 1 X PACK OF 20 STUDS FOR YOUR VEST. 5 X NEW DESIGN SNOTSTICKERS. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? JOIN TODAY! AT THE PORK SHOP!!! internetpork.com
MORE BUTTONS LESS SQUARES!!!
the best buttons around SINCE 2001 thousands of radical rock&roll, weirdo art & bad idea buttons in three sizes!!! wear your bad taste on your jacket with the mustard & is that blood or ketchup? BLITZKRIEG ALSO MAKES BUTTONS FOR THE BEST BANDS! DON’T DEAL WITH SQUARES, BLOW UP WITH BLITZKRIEG, THE BEST BUTTONS FOR BAD KIDS THE WORLD OVER!!! at INTERNETPORK.COM
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“Rock&roll is a nuclear blast of reality in a mundane world where no one is allowed to be magnificent.” -Kim Fowley
A hotdog walks into a bar & orders a beer. The bartender replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
Gewalttätigen & Zie
BAZOOKA JOE - TOPPS/ABRAMS
by Sean Äaberg
Continuing their series of Topps’ historical volumes, Abrams has released another fantastic collection of bubblegum ephemera. This beautiful book documents the sweet, pink & chewy world of the oneeyed Bazooka Joe & his stupid friends. The power & influence of Bazooka Joe shouldn’t be underestimated: this very magazine owes a chew, blow & pop to the eyepatched everyboy.
When I was a kid, Billy Idol’s single cross earring made a BIG impact on me. So much so that a head of bleached, spikey hair & that single earring still evoke the primal Rock&Roll feelings we live & die for. A single dagger earring (by Terminal Love) is similarly cool. Combine the two & you’re getting a bit carried away, but that’s fun also!
BILLY WACK POPSIES
Popsies are these funny 60s wooden novelty greeting gifts that you press down on & as their head lowers a funny phrase comes out of the top. This cyclops bat says, “I want to bite you.” Billy Wack is breathing new life into the forgotten world of Popsies & there are a bunch of great designs to choose from including a Frankenstein & a Porcupine.
In the Dark Future of 2013, you shouldn’t leave your house without studded leather gear. Studded leather fingerless gloves & the iconic three row pyramid studded wristband scream “READY TO ROCK!” Well, are ya?
sauerkraut for humanity
I love sauerkraut. It’s great on hot dogs, sausages & burgers, as a side with any meat, in soups & as a garnish for pretty much anything. Sauerkraut is also a male libido booster! A recent test showed that 90% of men who ate sauerkraut reported a marked increase in their sex drive. It’s also absurdly cheap. You know what to do.
LEOPARD PRINT PANTS
Every lady with a set of legs needs to get stuffed into a pair of leopard print pants! Dig these Cigarette Stretch Leopard Pants, made in the USA by Switchblade Stiletto & carried by our friends at The Cast NYC. Works real good with a low-cut fuzzy sweater, big hair, cigarette with holder, Cha Cha heels & a bone necklace. Omar from Apache pulls these off pretty good too.
MIGHTY BELT BUCKLES
When you wear the same outfit every day (like me), you gotta work them accessories & as a Rock&Roll Warrior you gotta dress for excess! Check out these hefty icons screaming to hold up your pants! Cyclops & Snaggletooth by November Fire & Baphomet by Tommy Shock.
flunk life t-shirts
Portland Rocker Katie Heath puts out a great line of t-shirts & buttons for your low life-style. This one stood out because it’s true about my old lady! Flunk Life does lots of hilarious repros of classic t-shirts as seen on your favorite scumbags & degenerates so you can be just like them! Gittum!
resin trash by weird luke
These screw studs from Studsandspikes.com are some of my favorite bits because they’re classic like cone studs, but they’ve got the heft of spikes but I find Christmas Tree spikes to be corny.
Weird Luke makes these radical brutalist art toys that evoke over the top Splatter-style Weirdo art & the pedal to the metal world of 80s Dark Future & Horror flicks. He also makes toys of Punk band characters like the Crazy Spirit demon in this gruesome foursome. I commend Weird Luke for rocking these toys in his own distinct, raw style which is rare in the art toy world & my boys love their brutal flavor!
BIKER SKULL PIN BY TERMINAL LOVE
HEAVY METAL RINGS
Ring a ding dillo, I’m Tom Bom Ba Dom Dillo! The first ring is a radical bootleg of the nasty character on the cover of Nazareth’s “No Mean CIty” by G&S rings, the second is the Good Luck ring by Repop MFG & the Jason mask ring is by some anonymous Chinese manufacturer. Sign your work, Chinaman! PORK digs CHINA!
When I was in 8th grade I drew a character identical to the Biker Skull pin by Terminal Love here, it was tougher than shit. My art teacher just started dissing it, saying it had “been done” & “was pretty generic”. I knew from then on that my art teacher (Ms. Seitz) was an idiot square trying to keep me in line & was not to be trusted. I was kicked out of her class not too long after this incident. You should get this Biker Skull pin to show all those squares that bad taste wins in the end!
Take half a lager, half a cider & mix them in a pint glass. The resulting Snakebite is one of the most refreshing, drinkable drinks in the known world. Couple with Iron Fist by Motörhead. “You know me, evil eye. You know me, prepare to die. You know me, the snakebite kiss. Devil’s grip, the Iron Fist!” Many pubs in England won’t make the Snakebite because the snake-bitten get real rowdy, real quick!
nazareth - no mean city
Nazareth are one of the best Hard Rock bands of all time, able to be tough & touching. Killer riffs with double guitar leads & perfect raspy, high-pitched vocals by Dan McCafferty who is one of Axl Rose’s main influences. No Mean City is particularly cool because of the bad ass cover art by Rodney Matthews & the title track speaks to all of us kids who grew up in No Mean City.
THE NO TOMORROW BOYS
PORK’s favorite leather-clad Rockers are back with Teen-Age Vice! I caught them live at Tiny’s First Annual Garage Fest in Eugene & they were wound tighter than a garbage can full of alley cats. The No Tomorrow Boys gave every drop of sweat, blood, tears & worse to the lunatic audience. The night was topped off with Danny Dodge stalking the top of the bar with a baseball bat forcing everyone to feel the spirit!
IWORLD!!! GUMIM STOPHER M
ICHAE L!! !
photo by mandy mullins
Christopher Michael plays drums for Portland’s Guantanamo Baywatch & Boom! He is also a notable gummi aficionado. Gummi candies were invented in 1922 in Germany by Hans Riegel Sr., founder of Haribo. We asked Chris to take us on a chewy tour of his favorite gummis.
MONSTER RINGS BY Sam Arshawsky
the chitlin circuit & the road to rock&roll by preston lauterback
This great book takes us back into the old days of Black America. The Chitlin circuit was the string of venues safe for Black entertainers to play during overt segregation in the USA. Complete with regional promoters & newspapers, the Chitlin Circuit was the birth place of Rock&Roll, the wrong side of the tracks, in slapdash venues where performers & their audiences let it all hang out! It reminded me of the PORK world a lot! Haribo Gold-Bears are def my fave and make a great breakfast lunch OR dinner and go GREAT with your favorite bag of Top Ramen. They even go as a perfect complement to your favorite gin or vodka! Seriously they fuckin rule!
My first gummi love is & always has been the gummi worm! DUDE you can twist em! Stretch em! Spin em! Bite em in half and make mutated gummi worms by mix n matching the different flaves! I have a profound love for the Plaid Pantry candy brand of Gummi Worms here in Oregon. The flavors are so powerful & the gummi texture is totally PERF!
Weirdo Artist Sam Arshawsky AKA Garglemesh has unleashed more radical monsters designs on the world! These ones are rings! They are sculpted by Sam’s dad David Arshawsky who produced all our favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles toys back in the day! Diggum!
The Hemingers are a great Budget/Frat/Party Rock band headed by Weirdo Artist extraordinaire Ben Lyon with that krazy energy that gets the party moving & the people flying all over the place & the beer spilling & the furniture broken & it’s just a lot of fun! This 7” has three limited edition covers, pictured is Hemingers in space, also available are Hemingers in car & with girl!
Stay away from those shitty gummis you find at the market on Fremont and Williams! HARIBO remains the king of all that is gummi!! LET US REJOICE!!! HALLELUJAH N’ SHIT cuz I could not go one single day without consuming an entire bag of Haribo Gold-Bears. These glossy-sweet-chewy-juicy bunches of supreme gummi flavor NEVER do me wrong, except maybe those times when you think you need top off your second bag of Gold-Bears with a bag of HARIBO HAPPY COLAS. HARIBO HAPPY COLA gives you the best of all worlds! Do you love soda? YES! Do you LOOOVE gummis? FUCK YEA! Happy Cola gives you just the right amount of cola and your total daily dose of HAPPY! Need I say more?? See you in Gummi World! -Chris
“Who’s the new Ramones, who’s the new Guns ‘N Roses, who’s the new Motley Crue, who’s the new Black Sabbath? They’re coming, they’re on the street, they’re 16, 17 years old.” -Nikki Sixx
Donâ€™t have phone sex. You might get hearing aids.
SHORT N’SWEET! GLITZ - IT’Z GLITZ - GRAZER It’z Glitz! Yeah, I like saying that. With slick (but not slimy)
production by Chet ‘JR’ White, Glitz’s debut LP sounds as minty fresh as the gooey cover art by the omnipresent PORK magazine boss Sean Aaberg. Glitz’s 3-frontman approach (Ray, Carlos and Nick each wrote and sang lead on various songs throughout the set) is appropriately showcased on the 1st side and it’s clear we are dealing with a mother-fucking ROCK band from the get go, with a punch in the mouth of a song: a classic jealous boyfriend rant called ‘B-A-B-Y’, penned by guitarist Ray Seraphin. ‘Sugar’ and ‘Blood St.’ by bassist Carlos Palacios are slower, anthemic and oozing with nostalgia. It feels like walking home alone from high school across an empty baseball field, crossing the tracks to the wrong side of town, through the ‘Blood Streets’ in Anytown, USA, circa 1975. The muscular poppunk (think Gen X, not Green Day) of ‘Paranoia’ by guitarist Nick Allen makes me wonder why this guy isn’t riding waves of teenybopper pussy and headlining The Warped Tour or whatever. Maybe next year! Seriously though, it’s a great song. ‘Innosense’ and ‘(She) Don’t Listen To Music’, also by Seraphin are almost reminiscent of Sparks in writing style only, with their wry wordplay and comical themes, especially ‘Innosense’, SHANNON & THE CLAMS ARE A TRIO OF TEENAGE SENSATIONS ROCKING & ROLLING OUT OF OAK- one of the very best tracks on the LP. A sonic nod to The Shoes, it starts with a tender vocal over a LAND, CALIFORNIA. THEY HAVE A NEW RECORD, “DREAMS IN THE RAT HOUSE!” I CAUGHT UP WITH classic pop guitar chugga-chug and slowly builds to a great hook. The palindromic lyrics are clever, but it never gets cloying, thanks to some brilliant, swirling guitars and a transcendent climax. This THEM IN THE SECRET WIZARD’S LOUNGE AT THE ENCHANTED FOREST, OREGON. one begs repeated listens. Side two begins with another favorite, ‘Unconditionally’ from Palacios. This is all Kiss and the Dictators, but more honest and sweet, less posturing; ‘ I was talkin’ with Ray SEAN: Tell me about your Rat House & maybe also, the dreams that are in this Rat House. just the other day...’, sings Palacios and the spoken response from Ray is crush-worthy. Add a killer stop-start chorus and some double guitar leads and you’ve got a near-perfect, super tuff, gutter-glam CODY: Well I currently live in a rat house. Not by choice. These rats keep sneaking into the kitchen and pop anthem and one of the most irresistible songs on the album. And it’s a ballad! Side two continues taking huge megabytes of our apples & stuff & shitting all over the stove in our pots & pans. We’ve been with more ultra snappy, bar-rock-cum-powerpop, a bit more in a cartoon-punk vein, laden with guitar killing them with brutal rat traps that could break a man’s finger, but new ones keep coming back every solos courtesy of Nick Allen, who sometimes sounds like a lost member of Thin Lizzy! Dan Rincon’s few months. I actually hear them inside the wall late at night, skittering around, lost in their own special solid, no-frills drumming keeps the whole LP moving and grooving insistently throughout, proving brand of dark madness. For some reason, the space between the walls just above my bed where I lay my him to be one of the best rock drummers out there. ‘It’z Glitz’ is brief and badass, pressed at 45 rpm, head & keep all of my stuffed animals is a major rat hangout zone. They screw around & high five & snack which adds to the snappy, beefy sound. By turns goofy and heartfelt, hard-rocking and heart-string on beetles & stuff in there, trade STDs. On the other side of the wall is the bathroom. The toilet is lined up tugging, this album shows the members of Glitz are adept at seamlessly blending their various influences and the result does not disappoint. I, for one, can’t wait for the next record! It all ends appropretty good with where my head usually is. I don’t wish to know what the rats dream of. priately with the hilarious ‘Don’t Think About It’ by Allen which reminds us, like most of the very best Rock&Roll will, to not take yourself so goddamn seriously and just TURN IT UP! -Andy Jordan SHANNON: My rat house is an ‘Earthquake House’ from the 1906 SF earthquake, & it is in my mom’s backyard. In the 70s it was a meth lab that exploded partially, * in the early 80s, when my parents bought the property, it became the rat house. By the time I was old enough to start sneaking around in there it had a greenish film on EVERYTHING, & it was just filled with all my parents stuff that was too good to be thrown away but too shitty to get into the actual garage or attic. The bathroom was painted pink & was faded & peeling & HAUNTED. My oldest brother who was the very admirable teen rocker/black sheep About 3 years ago at the Long Beach Cycle Swap, a few dudes in the family made the living room his bad boy hang zone. Me & my other brothers would spy on him & who were all into bikes also had some vans. Not the popular his friends smoking bongs or corncob pipes, stabbing the walls with hunting knives, shooting enemies sneaker, but in fact American Made, Detroit Built, VANS. Of the school photos with bb guns, decimating yearbooks, ogling porn...They were a huge inspiration to us, we Boogie Variety. They all got to jawin about their mutual love of wanted the rat house to be ours but we never got it. their vans and thus “The Vandoleros” were born. It was a pretty loose scene for them until the addition of some key members in SEAN: Do you guys ever get into band fights against random foes? 2011, that really tightened the reins and gave them some strucCODY: Shannon gets into fights all the time. Always with strangers though. Creepy idiot strangers that try ture. By doing so, it enabled them, as a club, to host their first club event last year which was a huge success. As far as what’s to pull weird stuff on her. She punched some turd in the face who was molesting everybody at SXSW. I suppose fists are the weapon of choice. on the horizon for The Vandoleros? Currently they’re working on their 2nd event and 3 year anniversary of the club, drinking SHANNON: Yea, I don’t know what has happened to me. I suddenly CAN’T TAKE SHIT FROM ANYBODY. heavily, driving recklessly and dreaming of custom vans while Maybe I have gone nuts! Last summer I socked a cage fighter! I crowd surfed a bunch of people in order sleeping off their hangovers. -Captain Heavy to choke a good ole boy jock after he knocked out a tiny girl at one of our shows, I have gotten into more physical fights in my latter 20’s than anyone I know, & ever before. Cody somehow seems to magically avoid every scuffle we have ever been in (except the original scuffle with the Clams where he put a chunky goth dickweed into a choke hold!) but Ian & I have fought side by side a few times in some bar brawls. One was with Pissed Off Pete who runs the shittiest dump in SF. We successfully got all the Rockers to boycott the bananas outta that infested lonely wasteland after he attacked Ian & I. We’ve been hosting PORK PARTIES for about a year now & they’re SEAN: What are you guys reading right now? Favorite books? the best thing going in Eugene, Oregon!!! We started them up at CODY: I’m reading The Lathe Of Heaven, set in my homeland of Oregon. So far it’s fantastic. I’m trying to Amelia & Sammy’s Behavior Castle read as much trippy old science fiction as possible. I’m also really into the Twilight Zone now. We all love with bands like King Tuff, Jaill, Murakami books here. He is a trippy dreambuddy. I just read A Wrinkle in Time, which is fairly disappointWhite Mystery, Sharks From Mars, ing for an adult man in the 21st century to read. Guantanamo Baywatch, Nightmare Boyzzz, Useless Eaters, Peach Kelli SHANNON: I’m obsessed with Haruki Murakami even though all his books are 80% the same plot and Pop & others & are also doing them characters! I love him and his freaky ass dream logic! How perfectly he captures the evil creeping fear of at the Tiny Tavern, Eugene’s oldest a nightmare! bar with the longest running OlymSEAN: Years from now, where will the Punk Rock&Roll Las Vegas/Branson be? Can we meet there? pia tap & home to Tiny’s Chinese, the best Chinese Food in Eugene! SHANNON: It’s time the Punks head into the mountains. I’m thinking Downieville, or Guerneville. Over there we’ve had Glitter Wizard, Tiny Lady, The No TomorSEAN: Let’s say that Girl Gangs are “spontaneously” forming across the country, any tips or style pointrow Boys, Muddy River Nightmare ers for these young, krazy girls? Band, Primitive Idols & local yokels the Soothesayers & the Missing CODY: Be bad & eat right. Pizzas & fries & beers are cool, but if that’s all you eat, you’ll be a cranky bitch Links! Hit PORK up for booking!!! who can’t think straight with no energy for sassy insults or other radical stuff. Defend thy honor. Relax with a game of Monsters & Morons when there’s down time.
vandoleros van club
SEAN: Do you guys know of any far-out gurus, cult leaders or shamans we need to know about? CODY: Kaliisa Conlon is a guru of sorts, living in LA. She moved back after being in Palm Springs for a while. She is the free-est of spirits & will take any drug you put in front of her. She’s afraid of nothing, except snakes. Could be some deep past-life snake sacrifice fear. She is also an actress & photographer & filmmaker & general artist. Her latest drug craze fave is home-brewed NeuTropics. They are experimental supplements that are supposed to improve cognition & gently expand your mind. SEAN: What about mind-expanding experiences they can get down with? SHANNON: We have worn the magic cap a few times as a band, but our best experience was in Seattle with our Trashies/Tacocat/the Pharmacy crew. It’s totally secret. All I CAN tell you is that I couldn’t stop smiling & was shuffling around the house with ten or 15 blankets covering me. The first time I ever ‘fungied’ was the best time. I felt like I saw these hidden personalities of the people I was with that night. It gave me insight into our friendship later from a distance in a very constructive way. I also fell in love with a woman that night. Madly in love, like my heart was pounding, no, SOARING, I was crying because I just loved her so, but knew it was gonna be really hard for our relationship to work out because it was Olivia Newton John’s character in Xanadu. Once I got ahold of someone’s beautiful brown glass bottle of poppers & had a real experience huffing head-cleaner & watching Jem ALONE. Everyone was partying big time but I had a break through with my poppers & my Jem. It was TRULY OUTRAGEOUS.
tiny’s first annual garage fest
We had our fingers in Tiny’s First Annual Garage Fest this May which was one of the kraziest shows I’ve been to in Eugene. Featuring all Portland & Eugene bands: Primitive Idols, the No Tomorrow Boys, Muddy River Nightmare Band, the Soothesayers & the Missing Links, the place was packed to the rafters & ran out of beer! The bands brought a lot of the older Townies out of their hidey holes & everyone was going bonkers until the show wrapped up at 2am, on a Sunday no less. The bands were all made up of Typical PORK Readers, denim vests, striped shirts, leather, tight jeans, iron crosses, grease, sleaze, boots, weed & studs. There was a pool of vomit in the door, the first crowd surfing ever in Tiny’s, a suplex was executed IN THE PIT, Danny Dodge from the No Tomorrow Boys spent as much time rocking on the tables & the bar as on the floor, all the bands gave it their all & the crowd gave back! Tiny’s is turning into THE local bar for ROCK&ROLL & we’re gonna push as hard as we can to make it THE BAR at the CROSSROADS!
BANDS TO WATCH!!!
SEAN: Have you guys had any out of body experiences, lost time, night terrors or food poisoning?
The Once & Future Band are a Prog Rock band out of the SF Bay Area. Danny James gave me the rough cut of their future record & I was very pleased by the cosmic Rock&Roll sounds evoking early Yes, Camel & Focus. Smoke a joint & get far out while reading the Lord of the Rings type music you know? Just to the south in Santa Cruz is the Fruit Stripe Band, a Bubblegum group making good music for bad kids! Word is, the band was started by a Glitter Wizard & it is chewing from the same wad as the Archies & the Banana Splits! Come North ye Rockers!!!
CODY: I’ve never really had food poisoning. I got a little bit sick in India one time after eating some old samosas at the grand and luxurious Raj Mandir theater in Jaipur. It wasn’t too bad. A few weeks ago, I got a 24 hour stomach flu that kicked in just as we finished loading in for a show at UC Berkeley. I was drifting in & out of consciousness for the next few hours, & right before we played I barfed my guts out pretty hard. I think it opened up my vocal cords in a nice way. I used to get sleep paralysis all the time. I would realize it & then I would have to perform this weird psychic action that felt like the telekinetic equivalent of heaving your own body out of a tall window, or using your body to burst through a psionic membrane. I also used to have a lot of anxiety-related dis-associative experiences. It feels like infinite deja vu while being on mushrooms or robo-trippin’ and it’s really scary until you get used to it & realize it ain’t no thang. It’s trippy what your mind can do in the right circumstances, even without drugs. SHANNON: When I was in Paris with Hunx, Erin Emslie & our friend Henri & I popped into a shop to get some wine but to get into the shop you had to walk up this rinky dink sheet metal ramp. When I walked up it, it slipped off the lip of the entrance & made a loud clanging sound. Now this sound did something super freaky to my brain because I heard the noise, it pulsated physically, rattling through my skull & I blacked out. When I came to, I was chatting with Erin walking through the store with wine in my hand like nothing happened. I remember walking on the ramp, loud insane clang, then NOTHING, then inside. What what? I asked Erin what the fuck was going on, how did I get inside, what were we talking about, etc. She had no clue what I was talking about & neither did I. I suffer from Old Hag’s Syndrome/ sleep paralysis frequently. A while back I had it every night and a few times in the daytime for a few years. Before I knew what it was I really thought I was going crazy or being haunted by something awful. Once my cousins & I saw our cousin’s husband time travel! We were chit-chatting & Steve was asleep in a Lazy Boy & moments later he was laying on a couch. We all flipped our lids because none of us saw him move! He went from dead to the world passed out in a chair to dead to the world passed out on a couch. Go figure! Maybe Moroni moved him to prove a point. SEAN: If there was a Shannon & The Clams sandwich at Canter’s, what would it be? CODY: Hopefully not clams. Maybe buffalo tartar. Or maybe a hot wings sandwich. Oh, but the bones would be a little rough. Eh, it would probably just be Banh Mi. SHANNON: Seared rare tuna with cabbage and jalapeno poppers. Think about it...
KING KHAN - AUTEUR
Rock&Soul Witch Doctor King Khan started making films at the age of 10, with his family & SF Vacation legend Adeel Ahmad & his little bro. Their first film was about a band called The Krishnas & their rise to the top. KK played the female vocalist/sitar player! While in University KK starred in several TT Rogers films, you may have seen him in “Enchiladas De Amora” or “Count Crackula & The Cocaine Kid”. KK comes up with ideas spontaneously & makes sure everyone involved has a wild time. Having an actor like Alessandro Pirretti in KK’s newest film, “Pizza Di Wow” also makes the production much grander.... Not only can he act, but he can feed the cast the best NYC pizza! His next big production will be a tribute to Italian Horror films! King Khan says, “Just follow the magma inside & let the ADD take over!!!!!!”
Rock music should be gross: that’s the fun of it. It gets up and drops its trousers, and the more guitars we have onstage the better, as I’m concerned. -Bruce Dickinson
Reinvents the ‘70s pop song format - SF Weekly Straddles the line between smooth MOR pop & the batshit-crazy drama of “Bohemian Rhapsody”. It’s a shock to the senses to hear music with this kind of sonic detail. Impressively weird. - Get Bent PEAR is the quantum entangling of atomized mental ephemera, Dancing about an ecosystem of plastic plantations... Danny James’ music occupies city hall, loitering in teapot shanties with time released viagra femme boost steroids like a Mr. Tea drag queen. - Ariel Pink
Rises above the mellow cotton candy clouds of sound & continues on into space. Redefines the concept of retro. - SF Chronicle Pop Genius Danny James surprises the listener at every turn with his versatility/pop sensibility & is a prime example how just how fruitful genre schizophrenia can be. - Why Pick On Me
Apparently weed is considered a gateway drug. That explains how I got to Middle Earth!
, & Wild in the a bridge between the sarcastic I love the Circle Jerks. Group Sex ions as a teenage Punk Rocker, of early Hardcore. Specifically, Keith pan com tant cons my were s Streets enes osiv expl & gy ener the & lecturing me about whatever theld streetwise attitude of the Ramones not telling me what to do, wasn’t was s Jerk le Circ the ing spoke the truth about the wor head still but Morris t & wasn’t jerking off his rage, t man of Black Flag, then as the capfron fuck issues he found so importan the as off ting Star it. t or abou & had a fucked up sense of hum in the fantastic OFF!, Keith Morris is one of us! tain of the ship Circle Jerks & now
that you really felt Rock&Roll? SEAN: When was the first time hased ewhere around there when I purc KEITH: I was 12 yrs. old or som lden Decade” and side 4 that included a copy of CHUCK BERRY’s “Go e Sixteen”, “Rock And Roll Music” and I had “Round And Round”, “Sweet Littl my turntable for a couple months. “Back In The USA” didn’t leave ZEPPELIN album, the ROLLING STONES already purchased the first LEDBleed”, the second NAZZ album, the JIMI “Beggars Banquet” and “Let It Experienced” and about 2 dozen variHENDRIX EXPERIENCE “Are Youspoke to me early on. As for when it rehappened ous 45s. This was the music that and where it could take me this ally sank in to what it could do of BLACK FLAG and later in the CIRCLE later in my 3 years as a member JERKS. ple get ! in ways that I haven’t seen peo SEAN: People are stoked on OFF a while now. I got my own ideas, but excited over a band or record forHT!?!? why do you think that it’s SO RIG
KEITH: This kinda nario. I think ma ’ thing is unexplainable to me groups out litter ybe it could be due to the fact . I have a hard time wrapping of the store. We ing the musical landscape ma of being in the right place at thmyself around this OFF! sceto or appeal to, chose to take a different routeking it tough to get a gig or havee right time. There are so many knowing we’d ge by playing to th fact that we have e opposite crow yer music displayed in the fro t around to th and being able a resiliency in that we caughtose kooks when the time was rigd of who we’d normally play nt to shake it off an in doing so we’ve d get on with oua large portion of shit for going ht. We pride ourselves on the DURAN DURAN, played with a great and differ r noise thing. We wanted to be out and playing big music fes ent batch of band ts a YEAHS, OMD, SMTV ON THE RADIO, SUNN, DEE s… NOBUNN part of something larger an TENGO, WILCO ITH & WESSONS, FIDLAR (F RHUNTER, GUIDED BY VOICEY, THE ALABAMA SHAKES, d S, SUPERCHUN We have fans as, DINOSAUR JR., DESCENDENUCK IT DUDE LIFE’S A RISK), K, YEAH YE and South Poles far reaching as TURBONEGROTS and one of my new heroesTY SEGALL, THE CURE, YO LA AH John Dwyer and ! to the FOO FIGH THEE OH SEES. TERS and that’s the equivalent to SEAN: A big part the North of PO RK is continuity, dr I read this story aw ing ab co ou nn t yo ec u tio being a kid in So ns & emphasizi your bikes or pu uthe ng the garage next tting wheels on your skateboa rn California & being in a garathe rich history between thing s. rd to ge building mode s yo wi u. th Th yo er ur friends & all e is a connectio important that yo ls, greasing of a n between the Do car & monster mou were there doing what Califo ors & Punk, it’s sudden the Doors are playing in all rnia kids are su dels & there’s th pposed to do, wi Rock&Roll but I thought it wa e Doors & there’s s th your bikes, sk you! KEITH: That certa ateboards & Angeles ELVIS PRinly was one of those moment with screaming ESLEY fan club, busting out s along with my youngest Au nt th teenaged gurlz, ass tossed out int me getting bu e baggie filled with his hair tri being the President of the Lo SMOKESTACK o the backyard or her throwi sted eavesdropping and gettingmmings inna’ bedroom filled s she’d pulled theLIGHTNING who were label mang a Summertime party with a ’ my scrawny 5 yr. old naked ba te removable bath BEATsenior citizens we tub out into th s with STEPPENWOLF and TH nd of scraggly guys known seekers. BIG DADDY ROTH had the little “Bubble Car”………thepretty band LOVE at a re having a better time than e yard, filled it with ice, red wi E GRASS ROOTS. Of courseas NIK BANDIT and a couple’ other customized hot wheels. It was ne all Saturday kiddie one of later saw THE BA matinee where the youngsters. I witnessed ARand LSD and all the gray haire nuts being able to meet one of my childhood heroes. Anothergenius they were sand d THUR LEE and E. NEWMAN an RBARIANS with MOULTY in th wi my heroes passed away last week and I’d like to mention the fighting his incredib ch ed be tw ee teenage garbagd his MAD magazine, FAMOUS e same sitch for 50 cents. Well n 2 movies and then 2 weeks le of RAY HARRYHAUSEN so thank you Mr. Harryhausen for the crab and e so listening to MON YEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOO THE CRAMPS or STERS OF FILMLAND, BIG I also grew up with ALFRED skeletons, the giant octopus, the cyclops, Medusa, Ymir, giant DA LINK WRAY ma all the Sinbad movies! de perfect sens DDY ROTH and alla’ his W!!!!!!! e. Acne, pot and SEAN: I was going Taco Bell the Dicvoted to “Punks through my old issues of Ma SEAN: The Circle Jerks, like the Ramones, the New York Dolls,I personOv xim er um ranks. their 30 in Jews Ro of ” lot a & ck have all e I’m &Roll the other than I haven’t & reading it going tators & PORK magazin da even reception & it’s I don’t see it ending. And here , “I’m 36! Fuck!” & at this pointy & they had a whole issue de ally think this insider/outsider role is kinda key to Punk Rock & ere pr yo et u somewh ty ar here in ev e, figures e ide Mr magazin . MAD nt n. “I don’t wanna liv , I’ve been doing this stuff lonthat this thing, Pu forever! to being a real America e, ge nk, Rock&Roll, ia & Hardcore, whatto be 57”, still doing it & to grear also, as does the way a lot of New York Jews moved to Californ ever you want to t KEITH: Ya’ gotta brought their schtick to the sunshine state. ca ll it, ca n go on gotta’ have enou’ make it whatever ya’ wanna’ All or go about it bli gh smarts to navigate throughmake it! Maybe we’re just dumb KEITH: I’m a half Jew so don’t toss me in this heap… just kidding! Las Just going to whndly and hope for the best. I’v the sea of gunk that’s out ther and unintelligent but you’ve the Jews who moved West set up shop in both Hollywood and over ways during pa erever all this ends up! As for e always adhered to the plan of e. You can create your own ma Vegas. I’ve lived in both locales and have to choose Tinsel Town for that lead to the rts of yer existence while yer grthe “I Don’t Wanna’ Live To Be not really having much of a plap Lost Wages. Ya’ know that “showbiz” is just a really nice name abyss. Maybe so 54 or 57 or 92” owing up and th come to the reali you feel certain n. mething snap ere are those the people who are members of the Jewish Mafia. There is a flock L of ing new friends zation that there’s a ton of stus, clicks, you see the “white lightquestionable moments and ev of us wandering Jews who did end up here… PERRY FARRELbit of ents or going to place ff ” or you just have s you’ve only se out there whether it be food, mo JANE’S ADDICTION being our leader. I’m just trying to add a an en in pictures th vies, literature, epiphany and SEAN: One of th at humor here! mu is sic th e or fu el to keep ya’ go makthat same kind ofe things I always loved about th in’! e Circle Jerks is parody/satire fee you I was being spok th SEAN: As the Clash said, “The Future is Unwritten”. Where do lin at g th th e at mu MA sic this big, stupid en to, entertained & that you D magazine had. I didn’t feel lik & the Shawn Kerri art evoked see the country going? What’s next? world. guys got it, what it was like to bee I was being lectured at, I felt lik a kid up against ly KEITH: With the or just inside of e KEITH: We’re in a horrendous place right now and it’s extreme BLACK FLAG weJERKS as opposed to BLACK hard for me to say that i’m proud to be an American as our governte We also had ou re caught up in themselves anFLAG we had a more sarcastic ment, military, judicial system, police and sum of those corpora that into fuel forr good friend SHAWN KERRI, R.d their ability to make a room “Let’s Have Fun” attitude wher cruds could really care less about the average everyday person associated with coming up with all the insanely I.P. as someone who got whatfull of people wanna’ kill each eas out there. We’re supposed to be the greatest country in the world CLASS, EDDIE and also drew fliers and hand brilliant imagery she created. we were up to and was able toother! but we don’t act like it or back it up the way a great country for as HUSTLER an& THE SUBTITLES and she als bills for TSOL, THE ADOLESCENSHAWN loved the scene we weturn would. Where are the scientific advancements such as cures looked like she d CAR TUNES. IAN HUNTER ofo drew comics for the genius pu TS, BAD BRAINS, DOA, MIDD re the common cold or cancer? We know they have an inexpenGetting back to could’ve played guitar for THE MOTT THE HOOPLE fame sa blications most commonly kn LE sive cure for cancer and A.I.D.S. but want everybody to be sick id she was “One own the CJs we were AD cy. Of having such an OLESCENTS or any number of because a healthy population’s not in line at the local pharma amazing time we punque musicalUs”! Shawn SEAN: Do you ha I want to say that I’m not opposed to our military but they are did or ga n’ t niz kn at ow ions. any better! kids lowbrow stuve any personal anecdotes ab being used and used in the wrong way. We have a war to fight out Ed “Big Dadd ff was very Punk y” Roth/Rat Fink? . here in rebuilding bridges, tunnels, repaving roads and cleaning All that stuff, that KEITH: I actuall up oil, tar sands, and coal ash spills and our military would’ve sick humor beautiful Saturdy had the opportunity to meet him made sure that this crap was cleaned up if they had not been ay af at te a dumbed rn ca being oo We’re r Africa. sh n and an East ow fre d it wassa’ real at his space/sho akazoids includ sent to fight in the Middle gas! ing ROBERT WIL wr LIAMS but for th HOWIE PYRO was hangin’ ou oom/garage/studio on a downed to keep our people in their place so we are falling t and there we e mo writers, great out st turned pa once we rt it was just a bu behind in education when ncha grease mo re a few other nkeys and curio scientists, doctors, great minds because of the cost to go to sity the next question… school. I could go onna’ longer rant but i’ll stop here and go to & boots & about their leather jacket & skateboard SEAN: I get dudes who are well older than me coming up & talking spark, that meaning that they felt when they were kids. stuff in their closet & I can tell they’re pining for some of that that stuff aside, right Keith? It’s 2013 & things still suck so like, they should never have put I just cracked myself up! Old School, Middle KEITH: Not unless they decided to become part of working society! .no hang ups! Sean, at some point some of time…… good a have and School, Pre School they should all just go out or NAY as it’s their choice and this is one YEA say to us to up really not the peeps have a change in direction and it’s of our freedom! some onto holding still we’re that in of the things that does make America great “To me, punk rock is the freedom to create, freedom to be successful, freedom to not be successful, freedom to be who you are. It’s freedom.” -Patti Smith
Two cannibals on an Island, eat a clown. One looks to the other & says “Did that taste Funny to you?”
Dr. Demento is one of a few heroes from my childhood, adults who got out of the way & gave me a way to make sense of & laugh at the abusrd world I found myself in. Every week I would tune into & tape his radio show, syndicated on KFOG, Sunday nights, 10 pm to midnight. The Dr. Demento show would open with “The Doctor is in! Whooo wooo wooo wooo! Wind up your radio! Westwood One presents the Dr. Demento show! Two hours of Mad Music & Crazy Comedy from out of the archives & off the wall! Rare records & outrageous tapes from yesterday, today & tomorrow!” to the tune of Pico & Sepulveda. Then the good Doctor would take me on a journey out of the restrictive, increasingly totalitarian, boring landscape of mundane reality, into the liberating world of Dementia. Dr. Demento introduced me to Punk Rock via the Ramones, playing “Beat on the Brat”. As the oldest of the three brothers, I was beyond stoked that someone had finally written a song for me. He would play records from the earliest days of audio recording, opening up crackling & popping doors into forgotten ways of thinking, lost jokes, things society had decided were best left to rot. He would open doors into smokey worlds hidden from most kids, like the stoner comedy of Cheech & Chong or the greasy world of “Race Records” not intended for white ears. Seemingly clean songs like “Baby Let Me Bang Your Box!” by the Toppers, “My Big Ten Inch” by Bull Moose Jackson & “Shaving Cream” covered by Dr. Demento would imply so much more than dirty records & yet, there I was, recording them off of the radio every Sunday night. When we were kids, reading MAD magazine & listening to Dr. Demento, drawing comics about “Mental Monkey” & a gang of retarded kids, we gained freedom by casting off the shackles of “sanity” which really meant “conformity”. As a top-hatted, horn tooting, beardo guide through the mountains of madness, Dr. Demento freed my mind & cured the terminal boredom of my youth. jake austen (roctober) on DR. DEMENTO What Dr. Demento really taught me was the limitless wonder of record collecting -- it didn’t have to be some precious, uptight thing where you get every obscure release by an artist, or collect cover variations, it could be about finding weird, wonderful records from the 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, they could be spoken word, children’s records, crazy people stuff, Country, Punk, Pop, big band, anything! One time I remember him playing something he found on a wax cylinder and it blew my mind. In this sense I think Demento can be grouped in with Lux and Ivy of the Cramps, where the legacy isn’t only what they produced themselves, but also how they demonstrated that record collecting itself could be an act of adventurous discovery, a fun, awesome pursuit, rather than an anal, uptight, factory-sealed nightmare. ERIK denBREEJEN (pop artist) on DR. DEMENTO Sean introduced me to The Dr. Demento Show, I’ll admit it. We must have been nine or ten years old. Sean was in a cartooning class, which I soon joined, and the teacher would tape the show off the radio. Soon, we were all taping it. The Dr. Demento Show was a revelation and a gateway to a previously hidden world. My scope of music at the time was pretty much The Beatles, Dylan, a little bit of my older brother’s metal, and Weird Al, who, it turned out, had been given a big break by Dr. D. A lot of the pop music of the day was alienating to my young mind, especially when people would start dancing to it. I could identify with “Eat It” more than “Beat It” because it seemed to say that someone else out there agreed with me. It was great fun to stay up a little too late on a Sunday night, in the dark, with my boombox by my bed, ready to hit pause to zap out the commercials. Two standout tracks from this era, Al’s “Christmas at Ground Zero,” and a song called “The ABC’s of Dead Russian Leaders,” by Tim Cavanagh are pretty stark reflections of the Cold War in retrospect, but they went down smooth and subversive. I didn’t need to hear Springsteen’s mammoth mid-80s live album, because a record lampooning the Boss’s long winded between-song narratives summed it up so much more succinctly. There was also “Bras on 45,” delightful to boys of our age, though it always frustrated me that the title did not match the chorus of “Bra SIZE 45” (an impossibility, by the way, since bras come in evennumbered sizes, I was told). Dr. D would also play serious-yet-funny music like Frank Zappa (“Don’t Eat the Yellow Snow”) and Ian Dury (“Hit Me with Your Rhythm Stick”!), and novelty classics like “They’re Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haa,” which would frequently appear in the show-concluding top ten twenty years after its release. Dr. Demento is a musicologist, and would sometimes do whole shows of classic bubblegum pop, which would cause Sean and I to tune out, though I’d kill for such a program now. It’s obvious to me that Dr. Demento had a huge influence on my musical development and I am thrilled for this interview, so let’s get on with it! SEAN: How did you become Dr. Demento? DR. DEMENTO: After getting my feet wet in college radio (KRRC, Reed College, Portland, OR) and briefly hosting a folk music show on KPFK, Los Angeles (sister station to KPFA), I happened to meet a local air personality, Steven Segal (aka The Obscene Steven Clean). He came to where I was living, was impressed with my collection, and invited me to be a guest on his show, which at that moment was on KMET in Los Angeles. Soon after that he moved to KPPC, a free-form commercial station based in Pasadena, and I became a regular guest on his show. He gave me the name Dr. Demento, which, he told me later, sprang from a conversation he had with his friend Peter Wolf (of the J. Geils Band). After a few months of weekly guest shots, the station offered me a regular Sunday night slot of my own. SEAN: Your show introduced me to a lot of cool music that might not be immediately seen as novelty music, like the Ramones & Bubblegum Music & I think you did a whole show on Skiffle also, right? Your show started off as a Rock&Roll & Oldies show but the novelty music took over, but you managed to keep your real head status which helped turn on kids like me. Expand. DR. DEMENTO: I always had my ears out for something that was bizarre or unconventional, and if it wasn’t too terribly serious, I’d give it a shot, especially if it wasn’t getting airplay elsewhere. SEAN: You lived with & roadied for Spirit & roadied for Canned Heat, what did & do you listen to outside of your radio show? DR. DEMENTO: In the 1960s my main musical squeeze was traditional music, chiefly blues and old-time country music. Not long after arriving in L.A. in 1963 I got a part time job at the Ash Grove, then L.A.’s main venue for music like that (along with other varieties of folk). Both Canned Heat and Spirit sprang from the Ash Grove. I got to know the musicians and helped them out when and where I could. Both bands were among the many folk-based groups that expanded their horizons electrically in the 1960s, and record labels were eager to sign artists who did that. As for the other part of your question, my tastes have been extremely eclectic since I was very young. My folks were mainly into classical but enjoyed many other things as well... they had albums by Lead Belly and Josh White in the 1940s, along with records by Duke Ellington and Louis Armstrong. When I was 4, my dad brought home “Cocktails for Two” by Spike Jones, brand new at the time, and I got hooked on funny music. During my years of highly active record collecting (high school to the mid-1990s) I spent most of my listening time checking out whatever I’d recently acquired, whether it was new or old, “dementia” or something else. (The boundaries between what is or is not “dementia” are not rigidly drawn, of course). I did, and still do, feel more drawn to certain areas... Blues (especially from the Mississippi-Chicago axis), Country (especially old time string bands, plus “Western swing” and its predecessors), Jazz (mainly 1920s and early 30s), whatever world music I happened to find, and Rock (I was quite passionate about new music in the 1950s and 60s, enjoyed Punk and New Wave in the late 70s and 80s, not quite so much since then). We have a 45 jukebox and turn it on for an hour or so around dinnertime. Mostly “classic rock” with a few 50s oldies. We also have on there some 45s of 1920s music (made in the 1950s). I have Sirius/XM in the car and enjoy channel-surfing there. Their “Chill” and “Spa” channels are a guilty pleasure...I used to despise background music, but I think I’m entitled to a few mindlessly relaxing sounds at this point.
friend of his and took me to meet him. I was much impressed, of course, and I think he was pleased to meet someone who could converse intelligently about both Johnny (Guitar) Watson and Edgard Varese. I of course became a fan and an intense admirer of his early albums and live shows. I wrote a review of “We’re Only In It For the Money” for Rolling Stone two years before I became Dr. Demento.
SEAN: You pushed Weird Al Yankovic in front of the spotlight & helped launch his career, I was blown away as an art teacher, having grown up with SEAN: Me & my grade school friends would tape your show every Sunday night on KFOG & then read MAD magazine & draw comics & make comedy tapes during the week, you were very much a part of our lifestyle. Weird Al that the kids in the computer lab were watching a lot of Weird Al My world view was & is completely informed by comedy & that subversive/piss-take view of reality. Was there videos on Youtube in the futuristic year of 2006! a target age for the Dr. Demento show? DR. DEMENTO: Yes, he has been fantastically successful, and the way he’s DR. DEMENTO: Very cool. In the early days of the show I just did my thing. I realized early on that my audi- been able to maintain his success over more than three decades is unprecence ranged all the way from 9 to 90, though with a peak in the high school and college years. In the 1970s, edented in the field of novelty music. He’s done it with inspiration AND stations were just happy that I had a whole lot of listeners. Most stations didn’t start analyzing demograph- perspiration. ics exhaustively until the mid-1980s. After they began doing that, many stations decided they were better off concentrating on a specific slice of the audience, like women 18-30 or men 25-40, for instance, so they could SEAN: A healthier society is more secure in being parodied but America has been in steady decline for a while now, does satire change depending on solicit ads for cosmetics aimed at the former audience, or ads for cars and beer for the latter. Stations had trouble figuring out which audience my show was right for. In the late 1980s we lost most of our Top 40 sta- where a country is at? Have you noticed trends & attitudes change in satire? tions after the word went around that Top 40 was a female-skewing format, and females didn’t like my show DR. DEMENTO: I’m not sure I quite agree with the blanket statement that as much. We held on to many of the rock stations, though. America has been in steady decline... though in some ways that’s true. SEAN: You went to Reed College in Portland, what was Portland like back then? Portland is known as being a Anyhow, comedy and satire has certainly become more crass and meanspirited over the years. That is a function of the change in the climate of our “weird” city, was it weird when you were there or is it your fault? culture, but it’s also a result of greater freedom of expression. (In the 1960s you could get arrested for saying the f-word on stage at a nightclub). On DR. DEMENTO: Portland was not all that weird in the 1960s, in fact it was quite conservative, and kind of a the other hand there’s obviously still an audience for comedians that “work cultural backwater compared to Seattle or the Bay Area. It wasn’t all that “green,” and its transit system was just average. However, it had lots of thrift shops where I built up my record collection. Portland became clean,” like Weird Al. greener in the 1990s, and with the new millenium came the hipsters. SEAN: Have you listened to some of the recent Punk Rock novelty bands popping up like Nobunny or Personal & the Pizzas? PORK champions a lot of SEAN: You were a champion of Frank Zappa, he’s a pretty complicated character, I read that you put out a Doo Wop compilation with the intent that it would be something he’d dig. What did Frank Zappa mean to you novelty-esque Punk Rock&Roll & Oldies bands that would be very comfortable on the Dr. Demento show. & your career? DR. DEMENTO: Yes, the Specialty album “Doo Wop” was selected from Specialty’s archives with the idea of being something Zappa (or at least his fans) would like. (Only about half the album was real “doo wop”; the rest was other subgenres of R&B). When I was at UCLA one of my fellow grad students became a fan and “If you’re going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you’re going to be locked up.” - Hunter S. Thompson
DR. DEMENTO: I will have to check out those bands. Thanks! SEAN: THANK YOU!!! DR. DEMENTO!!!
Jordan Speer has created a satirical world of the dark future, deliciously rendered in cybernetic clay. I came across a flyer by Jordan Speer a bit ago & was immediately hooked on his whole deal. I have generally not been stoked on computer graphics & the computer aesthetic for decades, but Speer’s work which has the feeling of clay animation pulled me in & had me jonesing to play a yet to exist video game designed by him.
SEAN: How did you get into computer art?
JORDAN: I used to spend hours on MS Paint. One of my uncles taught me how to use Photoshop when I was pretty young. I started messing around with freeware programs on the family computer when I was 13. I made a lot of bad fantasy and sci-fi art. SEAN: I love how your stuff looks like Nickelodeon clay animation, I thought I hated computer art but your work has reminded me that I don’t. How did you do this? JORDAN: I try not to be rigid when I’m making 3D models. There’s a lot of temptation to use all the available tools and make everything snap nicely to a grid. I try to stay really loose and work like I’m actually sculpting. I’m not really interested in photorealism or complex lighting rigs and hyperrealistic materials. I just want to make believable or barely believable shapes. SEAN: What are some formative standout memories that give you your worldview/art view? JORDAN: My views on the world and art are still forming. When I was 7, a neighbor was
having a yard sale and he sold me 2 boxes of comics for pocket change. If that had never happened, I’m not sure what I would be doing right now. Probably something really dumb. I mean, dumber than what I’m doing now. SEAN: Your world is dystopian, but you must also like it, it’s aesthetically pleasing. Do you want to live in your world? I do! JORDAN: I like it as much as I like the world we live in. I don’t think the world I’m depicting is that far-fetched. Our country uses flying remote controlled robots to disintegrate people on a daily basis. Half the world is eating shit if they’re eating anything at all. Bombs go off in public spaces daily. The worst thing that has ever happened to someone is happening today. SEAN: Future projects? JORDAN: I have a book coming out sometime this summer being published by Space Face books. After I finish that, I’m gonna move on to the next thing. I have a thousand projects I want to do… I guess I’ll be knocking them out one by one assuming one of them doesn’t knock me out first.
What’s the difference between a good politician & a bad politician? A tombstone.
wop bomma loo wop a wamma bamma lou!!!
HEY KIDS! WHAT TIME IS IT? TAKE IT DOWNTOWN!
BOOM! IS THE HIGH YOU CAN’T BUY! BUT YOU CAN! ON PURPLE VINYL!
MAN, I LOVE THIS CYNDI LAUPER GOONIE! ROCK&WRESTLING!!!
LOS BROS OPENING WITH A DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE!!!
LET’S HAVE A MATCH RIGHT NOW!!!
WHAT AN INCREDIBLE, HIGH-IMPACT ENTRANCE BY those LOS HERMANOS DEL OJO!
WHO’S GONNA PAY THE CLEANING BILL WHEN THIS MATCH IS OVER?
WAIT! I’M SEEING DOUBLE! IT’S THE DOUBLE VISION!!!
THE COCONUT RODEO HAVE TAKEN THE UPPER HAND!
Ooh, cuando se pone a través de mí, siempre es nuevo para mí, Mi visión doble saca lo mejor de mí!
AN INCREDIBLE DROPKICK TO THE EYEBALL AREA!
THEIR ISLAND UPBRINGING IS SHOWING IN THAT COCONUT STYLE!
LIFTING OJITO HIGH ABOVE THE RING, THAT COCNUT!
HE’S GONNA NEED AN EYEPATCH LIKE YOU AFTER THIS MATCH!
OJISSIMO FOR THE WIN!
AND A REVERSAL! WHAT AN UPSET! 1... 2... 3!
THAT’S NOT HOW EYE SEE IT!!!
THE EYES HAVE IT!
Rellenar los ojos con que la visión doble No disfraz para que la visión doble
“Wrestling is one of the last truly rebellious American things left.” -Billy Corgan
PORKU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CRANK IT UP!!!
H A I IT W EL T! M R A HA
YEAH, IT’S PORK TIME!!!
LET’S GET INTO SOME TROUBLE!
IT’Z GLITZ IS THE SHITZ! STREET & SWEET TO MOVE YOUR FEET!
AM I SEEIN’ DOUBLE? IT’S THOSE LOS HERMANOS DEL OJO!
NUTTY PALMS FROM HAWAII!!!
♫ THIS ISN’T GOING TO END WELL!!!
If you’rE not into yoga, If you have half a brain!
Rellenar los ojos con que la visión doble No disfraz para que la visión doble
THEY’RE SETTING UP FOR THE LOCO COCO CROTCH ROCKET!
I THINK I’M GONNA BE SICK!
MY OVARIES! THAT’S GOTTA HURT!
THROWING OJITO ON TOP OF COCUNT’S STACK OF LOS HERMANOS DEL OJO!
THEY GOT THE POINT!
COCUNT PINS OJISSIMO! THIS COULD BE IT!!! 1... 2...
WHAT AN INCREDIBLE FEAT OF STRENGTH!
EXECUTING A PERFECT RODEO-DRIVE DITCH WEED CHOKE SLAM!
I’M WINNING THIS MATCH! IT’S TIME FOR OCULAR DEGENERATION!!!
HA HA HA! THAT’S RIGHT! PORKU FOR THE WIN!!!
THAT’S WHAT YOU THINk! IT’S TIME TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH!
KLONG!!! EYE YI YI!
TAP OUT!!! How can you tell when a politician is lying? Their lips are moving.
Jose gabriel angeles
Jose Gabriel Angeles is a Raw & Brutal Weirdo Artist from the SF West Bay. His art evokes a river of cancerous stoner gore running out of control & transforming the world into a vulgar mess. Of course, one man’s vomit is another man’s art & vice versa. Jose Gabriel Angeles’ detractors hate his work because it’s weird, sick & disgusting, while the fans love his work because it’s weird, sick & disgusting. But both can appreciate his techniques & the dedication he puts in cramming as much detail as he can in the vomit he spews. Dylan Williams (RIP) gave me Jose’s zine “Fucked In the Head” & I really dug his terrible attitude & crappy experiences in the industrial/suburban hinterlands of South San Francisco. I love people who are down for whatever! Most zine & art people are wimps, but Jose has big muscles! One of Jose’s biggest influences is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, who are S. Clay Wilson for kids using pizza to lure those who are ready into the sewers. When Jose isn’t drawing on his own floor, he’s at his buddy Mike Reger’s. Every Thursday they blaze up, listen to Carcass, & work on their drawings at Mike’s place in the Mission.
OTTO SPLOTCH With a name like Otto Splotch you know he’s going to be doing art for the kind of degenerates that read PORK, & it just gets better, he makes a comic called “Quarter Vomit”! I caught up with Otto Splotch in a fermenting dumpster behind the combination PetCo/Panda Express. Otto Splotch comes from a southern, conservative, very religious, Catholic family. Growing up he was told everything was a sin & there’s a good chance he was going to hell. So as a kid when he came across something “bad” like a Marilyn Manson album, a Hustler magazine, or a chance to do drugs, they contained an extra thrill & became primary influences. As an adult Splotch uses whatever material is around him, like excessive party culture, living in a squat, weird sexual experiences, or a crack head hassling him outside a corner store. Otto Splotch makes visual art Punk Rock! Ultimately, he wants people to see some weird aspect of life that might make you think differently. Otto Splotch portrays reality in an uncensored, psychedelic way, maintaining that same raw quality of real life, & giving it a trippy aesthetic helps maintain the same energy of reality. The world he creates is full of dysfunctional people & fuck ups. They mill about their lives and have weird encounters & arguments. His comics are littered with immaturity & potty humor. Otto Splotch likes to do that especially because he’s a full grown man & he knows better. Look out for Otto Splotch’s book, “Stink Helmet” out this June!!!
“We’re a rock group. We’re noisy, rowdy, sensational & weird.” -Angus Young
Dennis Dread’s Battle For Art
Dennis Dread has been fighting the good fight for a long time in the pages of his long-running zine Destroying Angels, in his own laborious ballpoint pen art for records by Darkthrone, Deadmoon, Bobby Beausoleil & many others, in his series of underground art shows “Entartete Kunts” & now with the art book of the same name. Entartete Kunts the book is being released by Ajna Bound this June & is a crucial addition to every sick bastard’s book collection. He’s a real head, a brother in arms & an uncompromising champion in this Battle For Art we’re in.
work, who have a distinct hand and who bring a highly personalized vision to the proceedings. Artists like Bobby Beausoleil, who continues to create beautiful drawings from behind bars after more than forty years of incarceration.Artists like Nick Blinko, who creates beautiful drawings in a schizophrenic trance. I’m also interested in lineage, tradition, and atavism as it relates to creativity. It was important to me that I feature unknown emerging artists alongside legendary elders and afford them equal reverence and respect. SEAN: Let’s do an overview of who is in the Entartete Kunts book.
DENNIS: The book features 42 artists who collectively represent 14 different countries, so a brief overview would be difficult. I’ll just rattle off some of the artists who happen to be on my mind at the moment. The “elders” that I alluded to are Joe Petagno, who is most well known for his amazing Motorhead paintings and has roots in the counter-cultural art movement of the 60s, Joseph Smith, who is nearly 80 years old now and a professor at Pratt who SEAN: Tell me about the start of the Entartete unintentionally created the iconic baphomet drawing that Bathory ripped off for the first LP Kunts art shows & how those are connected to back in 1984, and S. Clay Wilson, one of the great original pioneers of underground comix your art zine “Destroying Angels”. art. These artists are explored in more depth in the book through interviews with Petagno and Smith and a short essay that summarizes Wilson’s tragically debilitating accident a few DENNIS: The Entartete Kunts exhibits were a years ago. The Northwest is represented by Chanel Adair, a very talented artist who also happens to scream for local noise punk provocateurs Lebenden Toten, Reuben Storey who is a very funny emerging cartoonist from Olympia who also happens to be a talented drummer in some of my favorite regional heavy metal bands, and natural evolution of my art zine Destroying An- Jim Blanchard, who I first discovgels and the book is a natural evolution of the ered back in the 80s through his exhibits. In all of these endeavors I had at the zine Blatch which influenced my forefront of my mind the goal of advancing my own zine a decade or so later. I was own art, advancing the work of other artists really excited to work with Sean I respect and generally supporting the kind Taggart, who did a lot of art for the of art I enjoy and wish to see thriving in the original 80s NYHC scene before world. I set out to raise some hell and bring it became lame, and Rob Miller of great underground art roaring to life in a galAmebix, who created a stunning lery environment. It worked. Now hell comes and very functional sword specifito your bookshelf! cally for the 2009 exhibit. Stephen Blickenstaff should be familiar to SEAN: You manage to have a Nazi pun & the PORK readers as the guy who drew word “Kunts” in the title of your show & now that great pompadoured zombie for book, did the squares of Portland have any the Cramps and Sean “Digestor” squawking to do about this? McGrath should also be familiar to readers since he was interviewed DENNIS: I actually consider the title something in PORK a few issues ago. And of a courtesy. It’s like a grinning skull on a of course…YOU! There are many poison bottle warning those who don’t get it more. Too many to mention. It’s a to stay the fuck out. Of course, the combinafun fuckin’ book and we spared absolutely no expense on the presentation! It’s really what my zine would’ve been like if I had a virtually unlimited budget and wasn’t just stealing black & white copies at Kinkos at like 4am. SEAN: I really appreciate being included as a Degenerate Cunt artist, it says a lot about my work & my personality, are you going to do any more of these radical shows? DENNIS: I’m glad you appreciate the honor, Sean. By sheer alphabetical coincidence you also happen to be the very first artist in the very first section of the book, so it literally opens with a bang. I’m sure I’ll curate more shows in the future because it’s just so damn exciting, but to be perfectly honest, after devoting this much time and energy to other artists over the past few years, I’m really looking forward to concentrating on my own art again without all the communication and curatorial responsibilities. It doesn’t help that shipping rates have nearly doubled this year. It recently cost me almost $300 to ship 5 framed drawings for an exhibit in Denmark, which makes organizing an international project of this scope much less feasible. I mostly look forward to slithering back into the total obscurity of my basement stronghold again. SEAN: I heard China wouldn’t print the book because it was too degenerate! DENNIS: Banned in Beijing! With a thousand other places to go! Yep, the Chinese government has very stringent censorship laws, especially regarding sexual content, so printers wouldn’t touch it. We sent it to Korea, where apparently anything goes, and ended up with a better quote. Win/win!
tion of a universally despised sexual slur and an obscure Nazi reference is like a double death knell in the publishing world and almost certainly assures that my book will be totally ignored by mainstream media. That’s fine by me. In Portland even the “edgy” alternative weekly magazines totally ignored my exhibits, although I suspect this had more to do with their terminal cluelessness than any particular stance on content. I did have a few frowning anarcho-types tell me my work made them “feel uncomfortable” at one of the opening receptions a few years ago, but of course that was only after they had participated in the general spectacle for several hours and drank their share of free beer from the keg I provided. I told them I considered their discomfort a compliment. I don’t want to imbue the title with any false depth of meaning because at its core Entartete Kunts is nothing more than a ridiculous play on words, but it was carefully intended to drive away uptight assholes who think all art needs to cater to their own hypersensitive dispositions or self-righteous notions of “truth” and “beauty.” I’ve always been willing to publicly debate my views anytime anywhere because I stand behind what I do 100% and that clarity of resolve tends to chase away the squawkers. In any case, that silly title still makes me laugh and sometimes that’s enough. To paraphrase Lemmy, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a kunt! SEAN: How did you choose the artists as real Entartete Kunts? What are some themes that stretch through the work? DENNIS: Well, first of all, this book is very much an ode to joy. Despite the purposeful hyperbole and stark design, it is essentially a love letter to my eyeballs. So the most important consideration I had when selecting artists was my own personal admiration of their work. I resonate with a certain kind of resourcefulness, resiliency, imaginativeness and devotion. Those would probably be the broad themes that run throughout the very diverse works of art represented in the book. Let’s face it, talented artists are a dime a dozen these days. You can throw a rock in any direction and hit some selfimportant “like” collector sharing their work and opinions on Facebook. It takes more than good rendering skills to move me. I gravitate towards artists who are possessed by their
SEAN: When people are all safe & snug in their subculture hidey holes things like asking “what side are you on?” & “telling your wimp friends to like real art!” seem absurd, but as soon as you’re out in the wide open, this shit gets real! And the krazy fans of this fucked up art are REALLY KRAZY & REALLY GREAT. Tell me about the Battle for Art! DENNIS: This thing we call “art” out of sheer convenience is the crucible of dreams, nightmares, fantasies, desires, fears, possibilities and, ultimately, empowerment and self-realization. It is the outpost of the soul and it is worth defending. There are hidden roots and tactics best left unspoken, but this is essentially what the battle for art is
about. I don’t think I have to inform anyone reading this that the conditions of the modern world conspire daily to crush the spirit, stunt the intellect and sanitize artistic expression. Economic coercion and social condemnation are very real forces that would violently wring the passion, imagination and joy from our lives if we only unwittingly allow it. They live, we sleep! Those who don’t turn back when society commands are often either assimilated and neutralized or imprisoned, either in the literal sense or within the intangible prisons of addiction, mental illness and self-loathing. Let’s face it, we all have bills to pay and some of us have families that depend on us, so there are ample opportunities for less courageous artists to bow out, give up and move on to more lucrative and less demanding arenas. One can hardly blame them. Only the truly obsessed, devoted, determined, dumb or insane will push forward where poseurs fear to tread. Those are the soldiers I want at my side on the front line of the cultural weird war. Strength through strife is the only path. Wait. Am I still talking about a coffee table book? What’s red, white, blue, & green? An American pickle!
DaRReN MERINUK! 7” weirdo king! The first time I saw Darren’s art was in the mid 90’s on a flyer he did for the Evaporators. At the time I was doing a fanzine and managed to contact him via telephone to do the front cover. I folded the mag to pursue other interests so the cover never happened but I always kept my eye out for his work. It was and still is hard to miss Darren’s work as he’s done countless 7” 45 covers, LPs, magazines, t-shirts and posters in his amazing weirdo style that completely jumps off the page. He’s the real deal, an ink on paper MF with one hell of a steady hand and imagination to boot. Someone that raised the bar in the art and garage rock world and a guy that never gives up! -Dirty Donny DONNY: You’re the King of 7” art! How many record covers do you think you’ve done & man, what was it like working for Estrus Records in the day? DARREN: The total right now is somewhere around 150 LP/CD/7” covers and I am doing a couple more every month so the number is still going up. Working for Estrus was great! Dave Crider is a really cool guy to work with; very creative and open to any kinda idea that would make for a cool, eye-catching design. I was just starting out in the cartoon racket when I did that stuff and it gave me a lot of credibility to have my stuff appearing alongside work by guys like Art Chantry and Coop on the Estrus releases. I am still benefitting from that experience to this very day and I’m totally grateful to Dave for giving me a shot when I didn’t really know what I was doing. DONNY: How long have you been doing art for and when did you get into record covers and posters? DARREN: I was one of those weirdo kids who made his own little hand drawn comic books on folded over notebook paper so I have been doing this kinda stuff since grade school or even earlier. I never had any formal art training so it took me a lot longer than most people to figure out how to do it properly. I was also the king of high school notebook margin art back in my school daze and I actually think that what I’m doing now is really just a more elaborate version of the kinda hastily scribbled, bored-in-class goofing around I was doing then. I started doing the Rock&Roll stuff around 1992. I was mainly planning on being a comic book artist at that time but since I was a huge Rock&Roll fan/ nerd it seemed natural to do some record sleeves, posters and stuff on the side. Somehow what I thought was gonna be a mere sideline turned out to be the main focus of my career in art. DONNY: I like how you keep your art old school in the sense of ink on paper, can you elaborate on this?
stein, Rene Magritte, Dirty Donny, Eneg, Hieronymus Bosch, Harvey Kurtzman, Reynold Brown, John Holmstrom...
DARREN: I am mainly inspired by EC comics, Mad magazine, Big Daddy Roth and that kind of artwork from the 50s, 60s and 70s, so I try to keep that traditional handmade feeling in the stuff I do as a tribute to the things that inspired me. A lot of the modern work that I see is so slick and glossy that my eyes just kinda seem to slide right past it, so I can’t imagine trying to do that sort of thing myself. Aside from that I really enjoy working with brush on paper. It’s almost a hypnotic state when you get seriously into it and hours can pass by in what seems like minutes while you’re so intensely focussed on trying to make those ink lines say what you want them to say. I don’t get the same kinda buzz from working on a computer at all. That’s a lot more like, if you’ll pardon the expression, work.
DONNY: That’s a great list of faves (young artists take note), but I don’t know about that Dirty Donny guy, haha! Can you tell us about some of the subject matter that influences your art?
DONNY: I know the feeling man, I couldn’t have said it better myself. What mediums do you use and how do you find this holding up against the tidal wave of digital art. DARREN: Most of my work is done with brush and ink on paper then colored in Photoshop. I try really hard to avoid those airbrushed shading effects that a lot of people use when coloring stuff on a computer. Bold flat colors are where it’s at for me and the inspiration for that comes from untold hours of obsessive comic book reading when I was a kid. I love simple bright colors that really smash you in the face. I have been trying to do more work in acrylics lately but my skills are kinda rusty on that. It’s actually fine with me if everybody else switches over to digital. That’ll just make my stuff stand out all the more as I keep drawing funny cartoons using the same primitive techniques as our caveman ancestors (and about the same primitive subject matter too). DONNY: I hear ya! Who are some of your favorite artists? DARREN: Way too many to list ‘em all, but some are Basil Wolverton, Jack Kirby, Pieter Bruegel the Elder, Richard Powers, Marcel Duchamp, Jack Davis, Bill Ward, Chester Gould, Ernie Bushmiller, Spain Rodriguez (RIP), Big Daddy Roth, Tex Avery, Joan Miro, Dan DeCarlo, Rick Griffin, Sol Rac, Jim Phillips, Al Capp, XNO, Chas. Addams, Jack Cole, Roy Lichten-
“Fear is proof of a degenerate mind.” -Virgil
through. As much as I dig doing printed work in comics and record sleeves I’d love to do more stuff that is three dimensional and out there in the world causing trouble rather than just being buried in someone’s collection. DONNY: What does King Merinuk have planned for 2013?
DARREN: I have a vague plan to become a depraved wino and spend my time begging for change outside the historic McClaren hotel here in Winnipeg. In case that doesn’t work out I am slowly putting together a reprint of my old Rockin’ Bones comic book material which my friend Ken Eppstein from Nix Comics is interested in publishing. It’s gonna be a ton of DONNY: What’s the art scene like in Canada these days or, work to scan, clean up and reletter 112 pages of comics but further more, in Winnipeg? I guess it might all happen this year somehow. Ken and I are DARREN: There doesn’t seem to be much support in Canada also working on a proposal for a teenage beach party horror comic called The Greep, which I hope we can get into print for the kinda trashy Rock&Roll art that I like to look at. I see fairly soon. I’m excited about having a page in the next issue a lotta artists that pop up and do cool stuff for a couple of years but then most of them seem to fade away. Tom Bagley of Puck magazine from Italy, which will feature 100 single page comic strips by 100 underground artists from all over aka Tomb is still doing great stuff out in Calgary and Bob the world, each depicting their own particular vision of the Scott from Mongrel Zine is holding down the fort in Vancouapocalyptic end of human life on Earth. I think that’s gonna ver. In Winnipeg my pal Allan Lorde is doing lots of great be a pretty amazing publication and I am mighty stoked to be posters for local Hip-Hop type shows and another friend, Nyco Rudolph, does tons of cool ultra-gory stuff for the Metal included in such an illustrious and demented project. scene which is huge here. Of course I am on top of any local Garage/Punk/Rockabilly stuff like some kinda Sumo Godzilla DONNY: You’ve done art all over the world, what are some of or something. Also my old buddy Greg Oakes is doing amaz- your favorite pieces of art? ing Weirdo cartoon work in spite of being a responsible adult DARREN: One big fave is the sleeve design for the album now. We do have lots of great Rock&Roll bands in Winnipeg and here’s a list of some that PORK readers should check out “Youth Against Nature” by The Monsters. That one was a big color foldout depicting a happy 1950s suburban neighborimmediately: Greg Arcade, The Vibrating Beds, The Gunness, The Thrashers, Rock Lake, The Farrell Bros, The Lonely hood on the outside of the sleeve and a hellish alternate version of the same scene full of mutilation and chaos on the Vulcans and The High Thunderers. inside. I loved doing the sleeve for “Kill! Kill! Kill!” by crazed DONNY: What are some other designs you have done for non- Texas rockabilly madman Mack Stevens. It’s a great LP of murder songs and the sleeve features more EC-inspired ultraband work? violent mayhem with a side order of Ed Geinish backwoods DARREN: I recently did a cool logo design for a Mexican food muderlation. I did a pretty intense portrait of H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu character a few years back that came out pretty well. truck and would love to do more fast food logo designs. Not fancy restaurant logos but ones for places that serve greasy I’m stoked about the one page strip I did for Puck magazine and am pretty proud of the various strips I have done for Nix fried foods that are bad for you. I did some stuff for a BMX Comics Quarterly in the past 2 years as well. I feel like I have bike team in France last year and am hoping to do more of been doing some pretty good stuff lately so hopefully my best that sorta work. I thought I had my first skate deck design work is still ahead of me. gig worked out recently but that deal seems to have fallen DARREN: Mind-rotting pop culture trash in general, horror movies old and new, Dada and Surrealism, shitty Punk Rock attitude, Mad magazine, Rock&Roll, pizza and beer.
ALIEN sex CULT!!! illuminati rappers!!! three chord cooking!!! drugs!!!
spaced-out swastika swingers!
as it is more respectful toward our Parents from Space) and to spread the fear of the unknown, the fear that anything coming from the ‘outside’ is our enemy and is very dangerous. When we consider a certain Cosmic Law that the Elohim explained, the notion of violent and dangerous ‘aliens’ does not make any sense. This Cosmic Law goes like this: Anytime a civilization reaches the technology for interplanetary travel, it means that it has also discovered energies powerful enough to self-destruct if misused due to excessive violence and lack of wisdom. Therefore civilizations that reach intersidereal travel are, by this very law, necessarily peaceful.
SEAN: Are you familiar with the Japanese comic Urusei Yatsura, “Those Obnoxious Aliens?” pork party down by the river? no! it’s some typical raelians, members of the world’s 2ND largest ufo religion!
The Raelians are the world’s second largest UFO religion after Scientology. Over the years they’ve championed things like toplessness, swastika rehabilitation & human cloning. I talked to Felix Clairvoyant, Ph.D. - Raelian for 23 years about the group.
FELIX: No. SEAN: You guys believe life on earth was seeded by the extraterrestrial Elohim, are they “like us” or are we a wholly different animal?
FELIX: The Elohim are human beings who created us in their image, which not only means that they are like us and we are like them, but that they have a genetic code that is compatible to ours. This means that they can have sex with earthly women and impregnate them. (It’s in the Bible) This is what’s SEAN: I first heard about Rael when the statements were made so beautiful about the message that Maitreya Rae received! For about human cloning. I always get weird feelings about cloning the first time in our history, we have the ability to comprehend people, about what that means for us in terms of our humanand demystify God. We can understand that when our ancesity, our individuality, our Karmic fate, things like that. Why the tors talked about God they were actually talking about them, emphasis on cloning? the Elohim. In fact, today there is a lot of scriptural evidence pointing to the existence of Sky People or Celestial Beings who FELIX: First and foremost, I think it’s important for people to understand that human cloning is a pro-life technology that does came to earth a long time ago, mingled with humans for a while, not represent a threat to the survival of Mankind, unlike nuclear and went back to their world saying they would be back one day. And the time to welcome them back to the Earth is now! and biological weapons,the place where any ethics committee This is why the Raelian Movement was created, to prepare for should focus. Moreover, the technology of human cloning isn’t just for Raelians, but also for physicians and open-minded scien- their return and welcome them. The Elohim are our Intelligent Designers, and an increasing number of people can relate to tists who work in the field of assisted reproductive technology and want to provide assistance to infertile couples, gay couples, that. It’s all in the book ‘Intelligent Design’ by Rael,a fascinating read! or parents who lost their child, to have a child cloned from one of the parents. Human cloning is also for scientists who work in the field of gerontology and who try to unravel the mysteries of aging. We know that eternal life is a topic that everybody has contemplated at one point or another in their lives, and human 1981. I got in more trouble than I bargained for in Frisco. I was cloning will enable us to do just that, i.e., to live eternally or besick of stealing food, so I started going to soup kitchens. That come eternals. Human cloning may currently be viewed as, “just was where I met Aaron and Case. I was trying to finish my a carbon copy,” but when our technology will one day enable us comic, but had nowhere to draw. SF Skins or worse were wreckto transfer personality and memory into the new cloned person ing all the squats. Although as a rule I hated Peace Punks (aka and when the technology of “accelerated growth process” will Crassholes), I decided to crash with these two guys in this be available, then it will be the perpetuation of our individuality, truck with a boat turned upside down on the back of it to make thanks to science. We believe that life after death is not a pipe a camper out of it, on Fulton & 25th. They sold acid for this dream, but will soon be a scientific reality rendered possible via Hippie dipshit, and they said if I helped, I could draw there. The human cloning. And if we play our cards right as humanity and only stipulation was I had to help them push it across the street stop treating scientific progress as a horrible disease, then a tre- every 2 weeks, so it wouldn’t get towed. Selling real drugs was mendous and promising future awaits us. This is why the Raelian new to me - I usually sold fake ones to tourists, and kept ALL Movement finds this technology so important and this is why the the money. With real drugs, including the best X on the planet, Raelian Movement is so pro-science. there was actually return customers. We set up a deal where I could get sheets wholesale for 40 bucks, and get 100 bucks a SEAN: The Raelian symbol used to be a hexagram integrated day for watching Cases back, and holding all his shit. This way with a swastika. This is obviously going to cause controversy he could space out and deal, since he was non-violent, and I among people who feel that the swastika is an evil symbol. What could handle the business end, since I was incredibly violent. kind of reactions have people had, has good dialog come from Well, I was going over to Berkeley to sell dope and zines at this? I know you all run a Rehabilitating the Swastika campaign. Tower Records and Comic Relief, and just to get away from SF twice a week - plus I was fucking this Shiatsu massage chick, FELIX: The Raelian symbol is still a hexagram (Star of David) my friend’s roommate. Well, I was eating so much acid and X, integrated with a swastika. The Raelian philosophy is not here to and I started cutting in some speed. So when I slept, it was a offend anybody but to bring the truth to the world. The swastika really deep sleep. But then I started having these crazy dreams representing infinity in time is part of the symbol of the Elohim, that I went over to Berkeley and did shit. Then I would wake up who every true Jew recognizes as our creators. One cannot rec- later and think I actually did the stuff in the dream. But then ognize the creators but not their symbol. We have to remember other times, I would do shit for real, and be so high I thought that the swastika has been used as a symbol of peace, harmony it was a dream. Well by now, Case was selling 14 grams of X and good luck from the beginnings of humanity on every cona week, skimming 4 gs off the top, and making 400 bucks to tinent and is a sacred symbol for billions of Hindus, Buddhists, boot, all through the mail. My homie Mike asked me to get him Jains and members of other religions even nowadays. It’s not some acid, so I got him 12 sheets. I told him, “Look dude, this because Hitler hijacked the swastika symbol that it makes the is enough acid to melt a small town - BE CAREFUL! Don’t get symbol a bad symbol. By associating the swastika with the the money registered mail, whatever you do.” Well, trying to Nazis, one only gives credit to this monstrous regime. One of the ape our mail deals, Mike sends the whole batch back to some missions of the Raelians is specifically to reclaim the swastika small town in Missouri or some shit. Next thing you know, High and educate the public about its beautiful origins. The swastika Schoolers are jumping off roofs and shit. We did it 3 times, and can be found all over Israel and even in various synagogues of course, he got the money registered mail. So the FBI kicks his around the world, see proswastika.org for more information. We door in. Meanwhile, my zine is all about aliens and sex and shit, have received a lot of support from Hindus and Buddhists and since I’m high on wacko Hippie dope, so everyone hates it. Then we hope that many of them will join us for our upcoming Swasme and Case were kickin’ it in Chinatown after a big deal, and tika Rehabilitation Day on July 20. he said I could do all the X I wanted. Not wanting to pass this up, I took a half gram, and then some. Then I noticed the girl whose SEAN: I had a bunch of the classic alien abduction experiences hotel it was had a spike. So for kicks, I shot it up. Big mistake! I when I was a kid, they were terrifying. When my folks were in Ja- hallucinated a bunch of ant/aliens performing an autopsy on my pan they had interactions with a UFO cult that had beliefs about brain to Reggae, then a big light. Next thing you know I came to, talking to whales & UFOs cleansing the earth with fire. I don’t and the room was destroyed, there were bodies laying around, remember a lot more. I associate UFO spirituality with the Japa- people crying. I ran out the door, but the cops got me. They held nese & Nina Hagen & the way New Age bumped into the early me for 5 days, then let me go. When I went to the truck, it was 80s New Wave. What is the context for the Raelian movement? gone. I was back in NYC in a week. FELIX: Yes, New Age and Spirituality are terms that we identify with because they are the way of the future. Not traditional and monotheistic religions. So, this New Wave you are talking about has become a consciousness shift and it feels great to be a part of, it’s a part of this planetary metamorphosis that is currently taking place. As far as “alien abductions,” we are afraid that there is no room for that in the consciousness shift. And we are certainly not here to argue or delegitimize people’s personal experiences of the phenomenon. What we will say though is that according to the message Maitreya Rael received from the Elohim, there have never been abductions of humans by the Elohim or any other group of Extraterrestrials on this planet (or any other for that matter) and there never will be. We are the Elohim’s creation and as our Creators they love us too much to engage in such a primitive practice, one that certainly does not reflect their level of knowledge and wisdom. Besides, in the eyes of the Elohim, the Earth is like a private garden that they protect and cherish. No other civilization can come to the earth without going through them first. In our view, the “alien abduction” story is one fabricated by governments to perpetuate the notion that aliens are bad (and we prefer to use the term ‘extraterrestrials,’
1982. I was living with my friend Chris on the streets. I came back to New York after bombing out in Cali. I was sure I had what it took to become a successful cartoonist, though. I just didn’t have my shit together enough to print books up. I barely had my shit together enough to shoplift food, run street hustles, and find places to crash out in. But I knew I had my finger on something: my Punk Rock comics were funny. People liked them, and this encouraged me. They were about real things, albeit exaggerated, and I stuck with them. On the side I became a graffiti fanatic, destroying property with huge murals, dumb slogans, and daring (I thought) social commentary - you know, stuff like “Fuck Marines”, “US Out of my Pants” and “Guys-Eat More Pussy”. At this point there was a sense of desperation in the artistic circles I ran in. A sort of nihilistic, end of the world excuse to misbehave. Reagan was president, and he was bound to kill us all in a nuclear war, we were sure of it. Hippies were unsupportive and dismissive of Punks. It was all about the bands though, even though I think the only ones left for me were like, the Dead Boys and S.L.F. I wasn’t into hardcore yet, really - it wasn’t as “art house” cool as other shit. For this I was routinely stomped by Skinheads. My friend Forrest “Fire” Mac-
Guire took me under his wing, he was in the city scoring dope from Chris, having been beaten out of Hoboken by phonebookwielding cops. I was too broke to do heroin, and was more of a beer and weed guy. Me and Forrest hit it off, and he felt bad for me living in filthy alley ways and building doorways on Rivington Street. He secured me a job in Vermont with a free place to live picking apples. He warned me not to be myself, and that the work was hard and the hours intense. In the early 80s, Hippies would work off their student loan debt picking apples, up there with the Jamaicans and Florida black people the orchard paid to bring up there, since you only had a month or two to harvest. Once there, I met Klaus, a crazy tall weirdo collage artist guy. He had a cabin on the orchard, and introduced me to mail art. He was a fellow Punk Rocker, only a country one. We blasted Gun Club and Rezillos and Black Flag, doing crazy art and swapping stories. I also had a lot of time to put out a zine, since there was nothing to do in Vermont except get drunk and look at mountains. Klaus also hooked me up with Mike Gunderloy of Factsheet Five, and soon I was mailing out zines all over the place! I also got a gig helping out some Hippies with their weed harvest, so by the time I left, I had like 2000 bucks and a couple pounds of weed. I came back to the city and me and Forrest blew all the bread we made on dope, Walkman 2s, leather coats from Trash and Vaudeville, and new records, but I did manage to save enough to put out 2 issues of Anarcomix, which got good reviews and people liked. I was only 17 then, so it meant a lot to me to see my name in a review, or see my shit printed. It still does, really. It makes it all worth it. 1983. I was still trying to draw comics. I wanted to put out a preppy comic about teenagers - like an Archie comic for Punk Rockers. I was having a hard time finding space to draw in. It was too hard in the city. I was like, crashing on rooftops and shit. Chris was trying to get into a decent squat, but most of the squats wanted people that were really committed. We were just drunk. I started doing an action comic, BADMAN, and trying to print that up, but I didn’t have any money. If I drew political shit, I could get political cats to print it up. Still, I continued drawing, printing up a couple pages here and there, handing them out. Me and Chris got a job in Williamsburg, which was just, like Hasidics and Puerto Ricans then. We crashed over there in this building we were installing air conditioners in. I split after a while. The Lower East Side was getting played out. A bunch of junkies and whores. Fuck that shit. CB’s was taken over by all these wannabe Skinhead motherfuckers, making fun of me for being an artist all the time and shit. I hitched upstate, and helped my friend Atom 13 put out his magazine. It was getting pretty good, with a bunch of contributors. Protester cats was sending us all this art. People were mobilizing to stop the war in El Salvador, and to stop Ronald Reagan, so they had a lot to say. I just drew a lot and ate all their acid. My devotion to the political causes was constantly being questioned, since it was obvious I didn’t give a fuck about any of the shit they were talking about, and really was just trying to draw and get wasted and get laid, since I was 18 and hated Crass. So I just went back and forth, all over the city and upstate or anywhere else, drawing and trying to sell art and get the stupid teenager comic finished while simultaneously getting laid and fighting with Hippies and cops. I hated cops, who were always trying to bust me for doing graffiti and drinking, since the drinking age was going to change to 18 soon. I made it through the summer and finished the first issue of Tom Teenager comics. I printed a bunch up and gave them out. Then I went up to Vermont again to pick apples. The city was blowing up, and all the junkies were getting busted. Mayor Koch had started Operation Pressurepoint, and pigs had big circular saws and were storming squats, chasing out the dealers. I was glad I turned down all that hey-ron! So I split, getting a 15 dollar bus ticket from Penn Station to Boston, and from there hitching to Vermont. At the end of the season, I got a ticket back to California. The squats were easier and it was warmer, plus they had better slop kitchens. I ran out of money immediately, so I was back on the street, with no hope for printing up my zine. Luckily, that was about the time I met Scrub, who helped me print shit up at the copy shop he worked at! There were too many pigs in San Frisco, so I was over in Berkeley, selling blood on University Ave. Plus he put some of my art in his zine. It was a sucky year.
ARCHAEOPOP:THE STAR SEED
THE PAST IN POP CULTURE WITH PROFESSOR DAN SHOUP Last Tuesday I was leaning back and glazing over with TV and a beer, and I flipped to the “History” channel where some earnest psychos were talking about how the Great Pyramid was actually a microwave power station built by aliens. You could put a hydrochloric acid solution in one entry shaft, and hydrated zinc in the other one, then they combine in the queen’s chamber to create hydrogen, which then combusts and makes the whole pyramid vibrate, which creates microwaves! If I were an alien and wanted build a power station I’d probably come up with something a little smaller, but that’s not the point. Aliens are tightening their grip on the human past. Almost every religion invented in the last 100 years sees alien fingerprints all over history: the Nation of Islam, the Raelians, Scientology, and even the Mormons believe in interactions between extraterrestrial life and humanity at some ancient date. The theories range from the slightly plausible, like DNA arriving on earth in chunks of ice-mud carried by comets, to full-on crazy shit like Elijah Muhammad’s ancient Islamic Japanese death UFO (google it). The “History” Channel has gone full alien and the Discovery Channel is not too far behind. Ancient aliens have a rich literary history. In the 1960s Erich Von Daniken gave us the “chariots of the gods”, which tries to explain ancient monuments and religious as memories of alien visits. Zechariah Sitchin cast the Sumerian Annunaki gods as extraterrestrials from the 12th planet, Nibiru. David Icke sees the Elohim and Nephilim of the bible as reptilian extraterrestrials who have interbred with humans. But what are PORK readers – by definition mistresses and masters of esoteric lifestyles – to think? Let the record show Of all foods, sausages are the wurst.
that Archaeopop is not anti-alien. But goddamit I can’t stand the intellectual laziness and lack of faith in humanity that underpins most of these theories. So I’ll give you three points about the (non) alien origins of humanity. History reflects popular culture History, especially pop history, always reflects the obsessions of contemporary culture. We want explanations that speak to us and to see ourselves in the historical record. Seeing the Great Pyramid as an ancient microwave oven makes it something familiar to us while accurately reflecting the depressing banality of American culture. (A microwave? Is that really the coolest theory you could come up with?) The “Babylonian batteries”, “Yasuguni structure”, and crystal skulls are projections of our own high-tech civilization on the past, remodeling it into a more comfortable place. Ancient aliens are really doppelgangers of ourselves and our obsessions. Ancient technologies are indistinguishable from magic Arthur C. Clarke observed that “any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”: if you show a cell phone to a hunter-gatherer tribesman, or alien tech to a 1980s teenager, it seems like crazy wizardry. Today I give you the Archaeopop corrolary to Clarke’s law: forgotten but complex technologies are also indistinguishable from magic. Building a giant pyramid in Mexico, Egypt, or China required a complex organization of people, objects, and tools that is completely inscrutable to those of us drunk on the easy lifestyle given to us by cheap petroleum energy. Aliens DID built the pyramids… in the sense that ancient cultures are so alien to us that they might as well have come from outer space. In a weird retrograde motion, our ignorance of getting things done without machines makes ancient buildings seem more highly ‘advanced’ – and thus a form of magic. Aliens fill the hole in your soul Magic is ultimately what this is all about: our technological civilization has pulled the veils off of traditional religions and stripped the magic from the world. The idea of benevolent aliens as our creators offers the same spiritual high as traditional magic but fits with a high-tech rationalist lifestyle. Underneath UFO cults you usually find monotheistic psychology dressed up in an rubber alien suit. It reminds me a lot of how Christianity absorbed pagan gods as saints: the organizational forms of the religion were abandoned but the psychological and emotional connections remained embedded in the culture. The Raelians are refreshing because they are explicitly a religion: they’ve got priests, bishops, and Jesus alongside the Space Brothers, not just rationalist explanations for the mysteries of human consciousness. Epilogue: We owe it all to HP Lovecraft? Erich von Däniken is the grandfather of ancient aliens theories. The crazy thing is that he got apparently got a lot of his ideas indirectly from H.P. Lovecraft! Lovecraft was one of the first to come up with the idea of gods as ancient space travelers. Cthulhu, after all, came from outer space. Check out Jason Colavito’s article in Skeptic magazine, which talks about how Von Däniken’s ideas came directly from a French pulp science fiction magazine produced by a collective who were obsessed with Lovecraft. They were the first to propose the ‘gods from outer space’ theory as nonfiction, an idea that Von Däniken cheerfully lifted for Chariots of the Gods. On the other hand, what if everything Lovecraft wrote was true?
(you might want to throw in a few carrots too). Then, climb the highest nearby mountain, which in your case would be Mount Hood (or Wy’east, as it was known to the Multhomah tribe) in northern Oregon. Be careful, it’s a volcano! Then, you need to fix your steely gaze in the most unobstructed circumference around our big blue planet. I recommend staring eastwards along the 45th parallel above the equator, which passes through the AUTONOMOUS REPUBLIC OF KARAKALPAKSTAN as well as the lovely Ovokhangai Province of Mongolia. Don’t let your pupils shift south, though, or you’ll run smack into the Eiffel Tower. If skies are clear, that black hole rising over the horizon should be your own bottom! Dear Slow Poisoner, I’ve heard that polar bears will become extinct during my lifetime if we don’t change our ways. How can we prevent this tragedy? – Jasper B., San Francisco, CA In the 1890’s, after white settlers decimated the buffalo herds of the Great Plains, the Sioux tribe of North Dakota sought to bring back the sacred animal by engaging in a religious ritual called the Ghost Dance. The Ghost Dance originated with a prophet named WOVOKA (a.k.a. Jack Wilson) who had remarkable control over the weather; he could cause a block of ice to fall from the sky on a summer day, and was able to LIGHT HIS PIPE WITH THE SUN. Wovoka received a vision during the solar eclipse of January 1st 1889 that if the native peoples were to dance in the round for days on the end, the white invaders would vanish from their lands and the animals of the wild would flourish anew. Though the white invaders are still plentiful, the buffalo did rebound, and modern buffalo populations total about half a million bison. I figure what worked for bison should work for bears: DANCE, JASPER, DANCE! Also, don’t emit any greenhouse gasses. Which fish would you choose if given 9 fish to choose from? – Kirsten Alene, Portland, OR
PRACTICAL ADVICE FROM A POISONOUS PROPHET!
2013 is in full swing, and as we ASCEND THE ENTWINING SNAKES towards a brave future full of TALKING TREES AND DANDELION SANDWICHES, we are bound to have our pantaloons poked by the snapping jaws of GIANT MONSTER HEADS. Do you feel the bite? These folks do… Dear Slow Poisoner! If you were able to see all the way around the world, which I know you really can’t because it’s too far and lots of stuff would be in the way, but if you could look all the way around the world, would you be able to see into your own butthole? – Otto Aaberg, Eugene, OR My dear Otto, never let anyone tell you that you can’t do anything, especially not a bunch of square-eyed “scientists” wearing white coats made of protractors. The fact is that you certainly can see all the way around the world INTO YOUR OWN BUTTHOLE; you just have to do it with the proper preparations and from the right vantage point. First, strengthen your eyesight with an herbal cocktail of triphala, chicory, bilberry and licorice
APRIL 8 WITCHCRAFT Two elderly women suspected of sorcery were abducted by an angry mob in Papua, New Guinea and beheaded, while police were unable to control or move through the crowd fast enough to save them. APRIL 10 GHOSTS South Carolina man arrested for insurance fraud after he burns his own house down…his explanation? The house was possessed! APRIL 10 CRYPTOIDS The Olympia beer company offers a one-million dollar reward (technically it’s $25,000 a year for forty years) to anybody who safely captures the mysterious Bigfoot, but NO SHOOTING. APRIL 15 CULTS High school students in Kansas City Google their new calculus teacher’s name and find out his wife was murdered by zealous followers of a religious cult, the leader… their new teacher! APRIL 21 CRYPTOIDS Scottish tourist cruise company Jacobite Cruises gets ‘Nessie collision’ insurance just in case the mysterious lake monster collides with the ship while it sails down Loch Ness. APRIL 28 WITCHCRAFT A con artist in Pretoria, South Africa was arrested for fraud and police bribery for pretending to be a doctor, and among his ‘tools’ confiscated from his home was a bloody goat head, eight wooden penises and a box full of fake penis-enlargement instructions.
I would choose the 9th fish, and I would hope for it to be a Viperfish. The Viperfish dwells 5,000 feet below the ocean surface, and is distinguished by its SHARP, TRANSLUCENT TEETH. Yes, it has see-through fangs, for biting its victims with stealth! I would gladly tear out my own chompers and replace them with a set from the fabulous Viperfish. Hello! I enjoyed meeting you at the Hyaena Gallery a few weeks ago, and I didn’t have the opportunity to ask you then, but some of your songs were, to me, The World’s Most Gifted Psychic in the World, obviously based on travel to other Planets and/or Dimensions, and you made some sound so interesting, I’d like to go there myself, so my Question to you is: What Planets/Dimensions do you travel to? Thanks! Oh, and the other guy (with the sword) says Hi! See ya! – Squeaker Kelly (World’s Most Gifted Psychic in the World) Dear Squeaker, since you are the World’s Most Gifted Psychic in the World, you probably already know my answer to this, but when it comes to visiting other dimensions, the key is to GET SMALL. String theory holds that the space-time continuum has eleven dimensions, seven of which are compacted into spaces tinier than we can perceive… But if you’re able to get down to it, nothing beats being A DOT ON THE GRID OF THE SIXTH DIMENSION. No, when it comes to other planets, I’m more of a homebody, but I am interested in HD 85512B, the extra-solar planet orbiting orange dwarf star Gliese 370. It’s only 36 light-years from Earth, and its temperature is noted to be similar to that of southern France. Are there CROISSANTS AND BERETS in outer space? Of course there are!
A Janny Dames Mystery - PART TWO Janny Dames somehow got off the couch, stood up, a little wobbly, and hooked the telephone back up on the wall with all of his fingerprints everywhere. “Who was that?” Janny’s beautiful second wife, Holly, asked from out of nowhere. “Who was who?” asked Janny, ripping the page out of his typewriter. He had written it recently: 4 am and in an alcoholic stupor. His eyes moved down the page. There are some works of art that, never mind the creator, are talent personified. Be they canvas or parchment, the art itself is talented; it echoes outwards and expands into the dreams of adult babies, jarring something loose that had latched onto their tail bones decades ago, shaking up their minds with the scent of just one moment they had thought was lost forever. This wasn’t that. Item: All truths end in paradox. Also, all truths end, because ASTROLOGICAL NOTES FOR THE QUARTER: In late June, Jupi- they never existed. ter will enter Cancer, and yes, this is as bad as it sounds. To the Item: Say what you will, Charlie Manson broke the illusion. Charlie Manson broke the illusion. Charlie Manson broke the illusion. Babylonians, Jupiter was known as MARDUK, after the god of Item: I am not an acid casualty. I am a living football blanket. vegetation and judgment. Once the ruler of all things, Marduk lost his power when a GIANT FIRE-BREATHING LION-HEADED He crumpled up the evidence of his insomnia and threw it in the wastebasket as Holly asked him again, “Who was that?” EAGLE named ZU stole from him the TABLET OF DESTINIES. “It was Buggy. Something about a bunch of pigs found floating Marduk/Jupiter chased after Zu with fistfuls of thunderbolts, in Lake Merritt. Should make a good story. Grab your camera.” but to no avail. Now he storms recklessly into the house of the “Pigs?” killer crab, and as these characters duke it out, there is bound “Yeah, I think he said it was a couple thousand, actually. You to be domestic discord in our domiciles. Cancer is the sign of family and roots, so expect your pipes to clog with strange sea- should probably grab the Tums, too.” weeds and your walls to rot with mysterious migrant microbes “You mean animals? Or police?” she asked. He rubbed his forehead. The overwhelming improbability of as Marduk makes his mark in your home! Buggy’s words had begun to sink in. “Shit,” he said, “I forgot CONFIDENTIAL to Johanna in Healdsburg: He will return to you, to ask.” Grabbing his pants, he added, “Anyway, according to Buggy the cops aren’t going near the scene.” but only after you have stopped worshiping lawn ornaments. As he pulled on his pants he turned his own radio up as loud as he could stand, hoping the sound waves would disperse the BEEN WONDERING? ASK YOUR AGONY UNCLE, THE SLOW radiation raining through the walls of their cottage from the POISONER! giant radio tower that stood in the California Highway Patrol Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or via parking lot next door. The pigs were within spitting distance. facebook Pigs… This time he wasn’t going to be his usual hour-and-a-half late; he was out of beer, orange juice, and the tap water was warm. Holly Dames was still talking, and he loved her dearly, yes, absolutely all of the time. But she wanted him to hear what she was saying. She turned down the volume. IT’S A WILD & WOOLY WORLD OF WEIRDNESS OUT THERE “Really, Jan, that’s just ridiculous. You’re the one worried about going deaf.” Holly stood in front of him, her hands on her scraw& JJ MK LURKS IN THE ALLEYWAYS & GRAVEYARDS ny hips, yet, somehow, her butt like a black girl’s; blonde hair OF HITHERTO UNKNOWN LANDS, OBSCURED BY FOG & MAGNETIC FIELDS! A REPORT ON witchcraft! hoaxes! the same as him, everything about her put together perfectly, just the right amount of class and just the right amount of trash. cryptoids! ufos! ghosts! cults! conspiracy theo Most girls just want to dance alone, or with their own ries! scientific scares! the occult! & all manner little group of three ugly friends and in their own little three of weirdness from the desk of the northwest’s feet of space, their heads always tilted away from any strange premier dubiologist, jj mk! or interested parties. It’s their upbringing, their Junior Proms, their TV shows that even get them vibrating there to begin with, FEBRUARY 17 WITCHCRAFT stuck in that dance floor limbo between action and inaction. A seven-year-old, albino boy in Tanzania is captured and mutiHolly never had a TV (although, she was voted Prom Queen lated by three men, who cut off his hand in hopes of trading it and didn’t show up), so she wanted it all, hands on, cocks out, as a magical ingredient to local witch doctors. Caligula doing the twist. She was a fortune telling photographer and carried with her a FEBRUARY 21 PSYCHIC PHENOMENON myriad potentiality contact sheet. It wasn’t such a wide net she Two Denver psychics are arrested for fraud, for stealing over cast; Holly couldn’t be bothered with fishing conventionally at $32,000 from their clients, who believed the psychics had real powers because they could magically make grapefruits ‘bleed’. all, and whatever she had ever desired was long extinct, except for Janny. She caught him with one word: “friendship.” But he didn’t have time to think about sex, now. MARCH 6 UFOs “Better deaf than, well, them,” he gestured towards the Police Actor Russell Crowe makes a tweet about his interest in UFOs Station with his chin. He could smell that they were having a & how he even took multiple pictures of a UFO in Australia good old-fashioned barbecue in the Patrol Car parking lot next while photographing Sydney’s Botanic Gardens. door, which probably meant it was hot as hell outside, which probably meant the drunks on the corner were killing each over MARCH 15 CONSPIRACY THEORIES Aspiring rapper El-Amin shoots friend in an attempt to sacrifice a cigarette just to distract themselves from their hangovers. He understood their violence. Janny never knew what the weather him to the Illuminati with hopes it will bring him super-stardom; was really like, as he always kept the venetians pulled down and the bullet ricochets off his friend’s skull and the victim shoots the fan up high, installed by a half-assed slumlord so that it beat him and then calls the police to arrest El-Amin. a rhythm on the ceiling like a cannibal in a drum circle having a panic attack. MARCH 19 MIRACLES “Cannibals,” he said, referring to the police. He wondered, in Massachusetts man arrives home and is surprised to find the vain, whether or not he should bring Holly in on such a macabre image of Jesus appearing on a drop cloth laying on his floor! story. She was already trying on hats. “So, I think it would be nicer to take BART than drive. After all, it MARCH 27 UFOs gets off right by the lake,” she said. The FBI reveals that its most read public unclassified file is a short memo dating back to March 22, 1950, alleging that several “The whole area’s cordoned off.” Janny was making sure he had room left on a micro cassette. “We’re meeting Buggy at a flying saucers may have crashed in New Mexico. sewer further east. Ostensibly the source of the, uh, pigs.”
ASK THE SLOW POISONER!
MARCH 29 WITCHCRAFT Washington, D.C. man gets four years in prison for hiring a voodoo priest he met online to kill his wife for $500 with black magic. That doesn’t work, so he hires a hit man instead: he fails, too!
“I’m sick & tired of hearing things. From uptight-short sighted- narrow minded hypocritics. All I want is the truth. just gimme some truth.” -John Lennon
Holly sighed. “Do we really have to meet Buggy? Can’t we do this by ourselves?” “What’s the matter with Buggy?” Holly was ready to go, before Janny, as usual. “One of his eyes is a little off. It’s lower than the other one.” “You’re the only one whose eyes don’t do that!” Janny laughed. “That’s not true! Your eyes don’t do that at all!” “Yes they do. Absolutely. Everybody’s does.” Janny walked up to Holly. “Look.” “I don’t see anything,” said Holly. “You see?” Janny pointed to his left eye. “This one is slightly higher than the other one.” She studied his eyes. “You’re right,” she said. “That’s really weird.” Janny turned back to his tape recorder. He worried that his wife would never look at him the same way. “I’m telling you, now that you know, you’ll notice it on everyone. You’re blessed. And cursed. You’ll never take pictures the same way again.” They both worked for Janny’s brother’s newspaper, and were not ashamed of their inherited paychecks; Janny even bragged about his nepotism. His was one of the only big, loud, intelligent gentile families left in America, and it was only getting bigger as both of his brothers kept making carbon copies of themselves every other year. Janny and Holly weren’t exactly not trying, themselves, but they had a little too much fun, probably. It’s about time I dried out, he thought, but later for that, and, to Holly, “Come on, kiddo, let’s go meet Buggy and exhaust the scenery.” They said “I love you” to the dog, locked up the house, and walked out to greet crispy old Uncle Sunshine.
RAT SOUP WITH JAKE RAT
I first met Chef Paul Gerard almost a year ago, as some of the final details were going in to Exchange Alley, his then new joint. Patty Rat & I poked our heads into an East Village space which was being remodeled, wondering if maybe it was a new antique shop. There was a Robert Loughlin painting on a back wall, from the artist’s Brute series. It was a relief to see that it definitely wasn’t going to be a Starbucks. Satisfied at that, we were turning to leave in search of Happy Hour when we heard a “Hello!”, & a face popped out of the corner of the kitchen doorway. A guy emerged that looked quite a bit like the painting on the wall, somewhere between a chiseled motorcycle icon & a fireman calendar, except wearing a black pin-striped apron over a Thin Lizzy t-shirt over a torso of old school tattoos. He shook hands with a fist full of skull rings. Patty & I still didn’t know what we had stumbled onto, but after a quite friendly & genuine introduction we learned it was a new restaurant, & he was Paul the Chef. We stalked the place until it opened & have been huge fans ever since. Tomorrow we will see his first live music performance in the space, during brunch. Every time Chef Paul brings out a new menu item it is a learning experience, from the insightful yet unpretentious way he treats herbs & greens, to the classics he grew up with like Priest Stranglers & Braciole, or the labor-strike origins of the Po’ Boy sandwiches on his lunch menu; The dishes have stories, & then the stories have their own stories… JR: Chef, you’ve coined the term 3 Chord Cuisine. How would you describe its elements? CPG: I use that term because I relate everything to music. Relating scales to classic technique, harping on theory, the necessity of practice & working your way up. A lot of young cooks come in to the biz, get a few ideas under their belts & start hammering away like they know they have already built prowess, but they suck. It’s like the drummer with too many fills. Too many ingredients. Insecure, & making up for it with “more”. Some chefs are good at being in a RUSH. Progressive & brainy. Me? I want my food simple. 3 chords. Frank, like a Ramones song. 3 things on the plate, letting the food speak for itself.
Only), & we immediately had a great rapport. We saw things very similarly. We both have an affinity for noir... broads & bakelite. When I bought the space in the East Village he came on board, to help me build the place that I wanted to hang out in... that he wanted to hang out in. It was great process. This place is so me because of him. Had I hired a “designer”, they would’ve come in with their bullshit “retro” & “vintage” pottery barn crap, & it would never have had the same feel. Billy would show up with truck loads of killer stuff. He brought enough stuff to build 3 restaurants, but he let it happen organically. He’d drop 4 or 5 different sets of wall sconces, or light fixtures or table bases, & he’d say “live with them for a while”. I’d live with them, spending 20 hours a day everyday, putting them up, taking them down, moving them around, until I fell in love with the one that was meant to be. It was rare that he’d veto a decision. He’d grab a growler of beer & we’d sit in the room discussing paint, pin-ups, books, design, music, silver rimmed glassware, stained glass… on & on, burning incense & bringing our mojo in. The place has such a warm feel, & really captures where we wanted to be. JR: Who were your mentors? CPG: Keith Richards & every cook that was better than me. JR: You get a lot of press & VIP guests, how do you stay centered? CPG: I’m a ritualistic guy. I love the ritual sometimes more than the result. These days my rituals are focused toward not putting my fist through walls & my foot in my mouth. From yoga to training for warrior races, my entire being is wrapped around retaining what I have. Simply, I hit my knees everyday, & say thanks. JR: You’ve got a Dead Boys tune in one of your video trailers... got any favorite songs you like to cook to? CPG: Music is my life force. You could hit play on the restaurant’s library, listen for a year, & never hear the same song twice. I just worked out “Trouble” from King Creole with our new house band for when we start live music here. I’m playing with the old guitarist from Baby Strange, & good friend Ronnie Magri (of “The Throbs” infamy) on drums, & a whole crew of cool cats from Avenue B to Bourbon Street. We’ll be swingin’ for the throngs of brunch enthusiasts in the East Village. It’s true...food is the new Rock&Roll. JR: Do you have any 3 Chord Recipes you wanna share with PORK readers? CPG: Here’s one of our greatest hits! Exchange Alley - Praline Bacon 2 pounds bacon (trust me, it’s not worth doing any less. If you have friend over…double the recipe) ¼ cup brown sugar ¼ cup pecan pieces 1 tbl spoon Creole spice Directions Heat the oven to 400 degrees F. Cook bacon pressed between two sheet pans lined with paper. Cook till crisp. Meanwhile, combine the brown sugar and pecans and Creole in food processor. Pulse about 15 times or until the pecans are finely chopped. Arrange the bacon in a single layer on a rack, & sprinkle generously with the brown sugar mixture. Return to the oven a bake until the bacon is crisp, about 10 minutes careful not to let sugar burn. You want it to melt together just enough that it adheres to the strips. Let cool on the rack until it’s cool enough that you’re not eating molten sugar, and the strips/praline is crispy. When you pick it up by an end the entire piece should hold straight.
JR: How about Baby Strange & your jams with Johnny Thunders? CPG: I played in bands for most of my life. Baby Strange was my last band in NY before I moved to New Orleans. We were a casualty of the Lower East Side. My very good friend & bass player Jet Screamer OD’d, & that was the end of Baby Strange. Johnny was a damaged God to kids like us. When I was 11 my brother gave me my first line of coke. He took me in the bathroom & said “somebody’s gonna give it to you eventually... at least with me you know it’s good shit”. After I sucked up two narco-glyphs of my years, I sat on his bed, he put the needle on the record & handed me the album cover. I was in shock. “Who the fuck is this?” I asked. “The New York Dolls.” I was fucked. Never the same, for better or worse. Years later, having the opportunity to have him come up & jam with my band was an honor. Whenever I’d see him, he’d ask me “Paulie... ya got an aspirin?”. I have the guitar, & a picture of him playing the guitar the night he jammed with my band, both hanging on the wall in Exchange Alley. JR: A lot of your culinary influences are visible on the menu… modern originals & plays on classics with chops in Old World French & Italian, plus Cajun & Italian-American. Your Brooklyn to Bourbon Street alma mater & NOLA flair is very apparent, but how does your time in Panama play into the way you cook? CPG: Yeah, Panama. I moved to New Orleans to get clean. After 15 years of working and partying with a parade of success stories, I came back to New York. Once back in New York, I took over as chef of a former Punk bar in Williamsburg called Sweetwater. It wasn’t long before I fell back into old habits, & knew it was best for me to change the scenery. I used to jump borders like schoolyard fences when the going got tough, & my best thinking told me Panama was a good idea! It’s like when they asked Dillinger why he robbed banks; He said, “Cuz that’s where the money is”! Probably not my best choice, but luckily I worked for an ex-pat that saw the real me beneath all the bullshit & chemicals. He was a child star on the vampire-themed soap opera “Dark Shadows”. He saw, what luckily many saw, a guy that was just lost in the drugs, & the romance of it all. He used to tell me to “Just cook”. Looking back I see how cooking saved my life. I ran wild for most of my life, but no matter what, everyday I showed up in the kitchen & said “Yes Chef!”. It was like holding onto one blade of grass so I wouldn’t fall off the earth. He eventually sent me back to New York after I wore out my welcome, & I eventually got clean. Haven’t touched anything in years. We’re still in touch, & a former sous chef of mine is his corporate chef. Now, I just cook.
warlord ramblings with pork boss: sean Äaberg
Strangely enough, AFTER I interviewed Dr. Demento I discovered that he was an outspoken libertarian. I’ve personally avoided political labels for a while now, because I haven’t wanted to alienate people, says he, of the ambiguous swastika useage, but I talked with Katie & we decided that if you’re the kind of person who gets offended by the use of a label or the label itself, you’re not a great ally anyhow. I’m a freedom lover & what I love is doing what I want & people getting on board or getting out of the way. As a kid, living within the diminished world space of childhood, I wanted ANY way out into that world of freedom. The Dr. Demento show was one of those outs. Using the Trojan Horse of “Novelty Music”, Dr. Demento was able to slip the file into the birthday cake & soon the bars in the window of childhood began to disappear. Any adults who would help me out of that slavish JR: The first thing that drew me into Exchange Alley was the existence of childhood stood out, like real flesh & blood humans, monumental pair of Machine-Age lamps in your front window. in vast herds of grey, authoritarian, pencil-necks. As a kid I still By monumental, I mean literally gargantuan. They look like they hadn’t totally gotten used the idea of sales-tax either, so I would could have been on the original set of Flash Gordon or Metropo- frequently come to the cash register a handful of change short. lis. There are a lot of different elements inside, from the black The only sympathetic adult was a long-haired stoner who worked & white photo galleries lending a social club feel, to Johnny at Iron Horse on Solano. Iron Horse sold Japanese Transformers, Thunders’ guitar on the wall & an original pre-war seven foot Go-Bots & stuff like that before they had been Americanized, WOODEN advertisement of an attractive lady holding a giant comics worth reading like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, t-bone steak. All these things somehow gel together perfectly. AKIRA & Groo & they even had the TMNT lead figures. Anyhow, How did you guys come up with this look and feel? I would come up to the counter, trying to spend every red cent in my pocket & always come up short! Well, dude man said to me, CPG: I met Billy Gilroy (of Macao Trading Company & Employees “TAXES! I DON’T PAY ‘EM & NEITHER SHOULD YOU!” Thank you
brother! This stands out because the rest of the adults were all trying to lay an authoritarian trip on me, complete with lavish guilt complexes wrapped around a whole mess of a world I just happened to be born into! The kids weren’t much better, riding in the wake of the bullshit machine or demonically carrying out the orders of their masters against kids like me who dared to jump out of line! I knew this was bullshit from day one, but it has taken a long time to be able to assert that this is bullshit, that we don’t deserve this nonsense & that all of this needs to be thrown in the fucking garbage in a way that has authority & energy behind it. The freedom train is rolling & you gotta get on board or get out of the way! Anyhow, as an adult, it has been my MO to slip the kids that file in the birthday cake so they can BREAK OUT of the bullshit! I taught kids’ art classes & ran kids’ art camps for years here in Eugene & every time I would make sure that I was sneaking in a WAY OUT. I hosted a Sunday morning cartoon show at the Bijou theatre & would make sure that a WAY OUT was hidden in the cartoons. I gave away prize bags with a WAY OUT hidden inside them at the Cartoon Club & also on Halloween. So, I discover this video of Robert Anton Wilson, Walter Block & Dr. Demento on a Libertarian panel with the topic, “Sex, Drugs & Rock&Roll.” I didn’t even have to watch it, all I needed to know was that there was a connection between these characters which then connected to me & this thread in my life became crystal clear & profound. We have three sons & we don’t send them to school. We don’t home school either, why have home prison when you’re not in prison? I always loved the Pippi Longstocking model of child rearing, leave an exceptional child to their own devices with a chest full of gold. This was my dream as a kid & I’m still working towards it. My best memories of school are of cutting class & walking around in the big world outside of school. Summertime. My birthday is June 7th & it kicks off the summer for me, even now, when I put in 14-16 hour work days with no days off very regularly, I get into summer psychologically because it still reminds me of freedom. I remember watching Alice Cooper on the Muppet Show doing “School’s Out”. Alice dressed as a graduate, dancing with a furry gang of monsters in a campy Transylvanian schoolyard. The Monsters are setting off explosives, Alice Cooper casts off his graduate robes & hat to reveal a red devil’s outfit & they blow up the entire school for the finale. Another strongly resonating TV clip is Pink Floyd’s excerpted section of The Wall video for “Another Brick In The Wall”. Children united with deformed masks & uniforms are marched forwards into a giant meat grinder. The kids eventually revolt & destroy their school! Thanks guys! Dr. Demento would play “Smokin’ In The Boy’s Room” by the Brownsville Station which was extra rebellious because in the 80s, California was the supreme fucking champion in the pencil-neck fight against tobacco. This bullshit has always smelled like a fight against the public space, which is where we are supposed to be hanging out, smoking, drinking, talking, reading, meeting new people & causing trouble. As America trundles on towards a perfect blend of Brave New World & 1984 (that is, a police state where the public is controlled by biology & drugs first & force later), the system & its agents invent all sorts of new reasons for people to be uncomfortable with each other. I’m sure you’ve noticed that the primary comedic mode these days is “social awkwardness”. Man, I’m just REALLY not into it. This is why I make sure to keep some anti-social shit in everything we do: it’s about tolerance, understanding, empathy & outing totalitarians. People have been trained to think that they’ve got this big opinion about other people’s lives & what they say or do that’s really fucking important & that they have SHIT to say about other people, but guess what? They don’t! And, they can fuck off! Again, the most disgusting place that this happens is with children & their segregation from the adult world & the bullshit that adults lay on kids. As I have repeatedly stated, I used Punk as a spikey ball to destroy the wall of teenage existence & highschool but as soon as I entered into that Punk arena, I found another set of even more uptight rules & more social exclusion & more people telling me what to do & how to live & what’s this & that. Holy shit! I would read MaximumRockn’Roll & Profane Existence & between the letters & the opinion columns it was like having my brain pulled apart in the Hellraiser chain room! It felt very deliberate to me, an amplification of things that would divide people instead of bringing them together. Add to that the crabby reviews, nit-picking things & flailing wildly against the efforts of others, holy fucking shit, with friends like those, it was time to drop out of the scene! “My advice to people today is as follows: if you take the game of life seriously, if you take your nervous system seriously, if you take your sense organs seriously, if you take the energy process seriously, you must turn on, tune in & drop out.” -Timothy Leary I just visited the gift shop & cafe of the Communal Alpha Farm called Alpha Bit. It’s on the way to the coast from Eugene. On the way out there you pass by the grounds for the Oregon Country Fair. These guys are supposed to be the ultimate Hippies. The shit is just totally boring. I think the division of Rock&Roll into these subcultures is bullshit, but I can’t deny history & that at some point, Rock&Roll became Hippie which became stretchy cotton pants, disc golf, yoga & world music. Rock&Roll became Punk which became emotional masturbation, sincere sports competition, music with mandolins & micro-brew. I don’t need to tell you that they got it wrong, but it’s important to tell you WHY they got it wrong. They wanted to grow up & make the adult world into something progressive, responsible & chalkdust boring. They wanted more rules, more regulations, more responsibility & more punishment for getting out of line. They wanted to “change the world”. They wanted their opinions to be really important! The key problems here are the ideas of “growing up” & “changing the world”. I have so many friends from childhood who went hurtling off into that world of adulthood & I tried to get them off the track, to the point that I was not invited to any Bar Mitzvahs & was repeatedly barred access to my friends for being a bad influence. Sure, I AM a bad influence, it still slips out. But I’m just pushing people off the tracks that lead to the meat grinder & I’m telling them to take life by the balls, be themselves & GO FOR IT. When you have an entire SLAVE SOCIETY that ENSLAVES ITSELF, this is THE WORST THING YOU CAN POSSIBLY DO!!! ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TELL PEOPLE THAT THEY ARE ENSLAVING THEMSELVES!!! Anyhow, as just another “fuck you” to the totalitarian Punk scene, we’re reinventing Hippie & Punk into the whole PORK FREAKOUT ROCK&ROLL DEAL & your shit is just outdated, malformed, confused, retarded & a hamster wheel for stupid fucks to tire themselves out on. We’re doing the real fuckin’ deal here! We’re getting DOWN & DIRTY! WE’RE SLAPPING THEM THIGHS & LICKING THE BOOTYHOLE! WE’RE COMING TO THE CROSS-ROADS & TAKING THE BACKWOODS TRAIL THROUGH THE SWAMP INSTEAD OF THE PAVED ROAD. WE SHOOK HANDS WITH THE DEVIL BUT OUR FINGERS WAS CROSSED. WE FOUND THE MAGIC WINE HIDDEN IN THE WIZARD’S SHACK & WE’RE DRINKING IT DURING THE FULL MOON. THERE’S NAKED LADIES IN THE WINDOWS & WILD DOGS IN THE STREETS. THERE’S A WEIRD PERFUME ON THE WIND & IT SMELLS LIKE SEX, LIKE WAR & LIKE LIFE! GLOWING EYES WATCH FROM THE SHADOWS & LIGHTNING BUGS MIX WITH THE STARS & SWIRL AROUND. I’LL HAVE ANOTHER EGG CREAM & A HOT DOG & I’LL SMOKE IN THE SHOP. I’M GONNA PLAY THIS ARCADE GAME THAT MAKES NO SENSE. I’M GONNA FALL THROUGH A SECRET HOLE IN THIS BOOKSTORE & FIND A BOOK THAT WRITES ITSELF IN MY MIND. MY DOG IS SHITTING ON THE GROUND. THE GROUND IS FREE.
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping Tom.
â€œComic books, are cheap, shoddy, anonymous. Children spend their good money for bad paper, bad English, & more often than not, bad drawing.â€? -Fredic Wertham
BORN INTO AN UNCARING WORLD THEY DID NOT MAKE! FACING A NEVER-ENDING SUCCESSION OF HORRIBLY VIOLENT ENCOUNTERS WITH THE MYSTERIOUS, THE DANGEROUS & THE STUPID. THE RADICAL PIZZA BROS HAVE ONE FOOT IN THE WILD WEST & ONE FOOT IN THE GUTTER & ONE EAR TO THE GROUND & THE OTHER EAR TO THE WIND, WHICH IS WHISPERING, “GO HOME!”. BUT THERE IS NO HOME. ONLY CHAIN-SWORDING THEIR WAY THROUGH ENDLESS TIDES OF RADIATION SOAKED POLITICULTISTS, NECRO GANGS, SEX SURGEONS, CYBER PUNKS, NAZI JEWS & PUNK-ASS BITCHES, THE RADICAL PIZZA BROS ARE HEROES FROM HELL SENDING THEIR ENEMIES TO HEAVEN! IN THE PAGES OF PORK MAGAZINE!
Porku vs. Porku
by S&K A.
Why do aliens make crop circles? Because they’re corny.
pork shop catalog
GETCHER WEIRDO ROCK&ROLL SUPPLIES AT THE PORK SHOP. THE KOOLEST KRAP FOR THE KRAZIEST KIDS. more AT internetpork.com pork subscription! (6 issues)
the kosher kross (shalom)
don’t tell your mother
THE RULES PATCH
Sean Äaberg coloring bookS
PORK IRON CROSS
$20 SOME PEOPLE LIVE IN SQUARESVILLE. FOR YOU, WE OFFER A PORK SUBSCRIPTION. ALL THE USUAL PORK TRASH DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR, OR WHEREVER. I DON’T CARE, JUST BUY ONE.with a pork subscription, you will be porked quarterly for six issues! YOU NEED REGULAR PORKING!
$11 YOUR RABBI SAYS DON’T EAT PORK, BUT YOU CAN READ PORK & NOW YOU CAN WEAR AN IRON CROSS THAT’LL MAKE YOUR GRANDMA PROUD. CONFUSE YOUR ENEMIES! THIS HEXAGRAM WITH “SHALOM” ON BASE-METAL IRON CROSS WITH BLUE LAQUER FILL IS A CONVERSATION STARTER!
$6 WE WALK THE BACK ALLEYS OF LIFE & WE ABIDE BY THIS CODE, “DON’T TELL YOUR MOTHER!” SHE WILL LOVE YOU ANYHOW. REMIND YOUR BUDDIES TO KEEP QUIET. BE NICE TO MOMMY.
$6 OUR HERO DEE DEE RAMONE PENNED THESE RULES AEONS AGO & WE FOLLOW THEM BECAUSE WHY THE HELL NOT? THIS IS WHO WE ARE. THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
GIRL GANG COMB KNIFE
BOBBY MADNESS COMIX
$5 each! real madness comix for real delinquent types! most comics are for & by nerds & wimps, but real madness comix are for screw balls, sluts, slimes & freakazoids by the real deal. we have #2 & #4 available! published by teenage dinosaur.
ALL AMERICAN HOT DOG PATCH
$7.50 LIMITED EDITION PATCH! AMERICA, LIKE THE HOT DOG, is A WAY OF BEING, NOT a PHYSICAL, ACTUAL THING. WHEN PEOPLE SAY THEY HATE HOT DOGS OR AMERICA, THEY’RE SAYING THEY HATE FREEDOM, FUN, EUROFUNK, STREET CULTURE & PENISES.
PICKY EATER T-SHIRT $18 THAT BIRD BRAIN IS A PICKY EATER! NO ONIONS! NO MAYO! NO MUSTARD! NO GRISTLE! NO POPPY SEEDS. NO DURIAN. NO DRIED SHRIMP. NO ANIMAL PRODUCTS. NO BUG PARTS. NO RAT POOP. JESUS CHRIST! WHAT WILL YOU EAT?
$18 “OH NOOOOOO!” THE KOOL-AID MANSON IS BREAKING DOWN THE WALLS OF YOUR PSYCHE & EXPANDING YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS. $1 for TWO WILL YOU DRINK THE NEW DESIGNS ALL THE TIME!!! TOUGH VINYL!!! KOOL-AID? WILL YOU BREAK OF YOUR FULL OUT COLOR!!! KRAZY DESIGNS!!! PUT THEM MIND? THE EGG EVERYWHERE!!!! ALSO AVAILABLE IN GOBLINKO BROKE IN 1969. WE STICKER & CARD CROSSED THE GATE VENDING MACHINES!!! IN 2012.
DEAD ROCKERS BUTTONS
$2-$3 THEY GAVE THEIR LIVES FOR ROCK&ROLL! BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS & GIVING IT ALL TO THAT THING WE ALL DIG, WE SALUTE YOU! JOHNNY THUNDERS, BON SCOTT, GG ALLIN, PHIL LYNOTT & SO MANY MORE!
WEENIE QUEEN T-SHIRT
EAT ME T-SHIRT $18 ROCK&ROLL IS THE HAMBURGER THAT ATE THE WORLD BUT THIS IS THE BURGER THAT’LL EAT YOU! THIS T-SHIRT IS A ROSETTA STONE OF DISGUSTING LAYERS, YOU’LL ENJOY DISCOVERING ALL MANNER OF VILE VULGARITY IN THIS FAST FOOD monstrosity!
ghost story t-shirt
$20 GLOWS IN THE DARK! THERE’S A STORY ABOUT A GUY WHO LEFT THE OLD WHISKEY BAR, CURLED UP IN THE BUSHES NEARBY & DIED. BUT HE HAD UNFINISHED BUSINESS! ONE LAST GAME OF CARDS, OR ELSE! ARE YOU READY TO PLAY A HAND WITH A GHOST? also available as a back patch.
WITCH BITCH PATCH
PORK ‘HERE FOR BEER’ KOOZIE
TRASHY TOTEMS PATCH SHEET
SNOTTING SAYINGS BUTTONS
$5 MADE OF FUTURISTIC INSULATING MATERIAL, THE PORK BEER KOOZIE WILL KEEP YOUR BEER COLD & YOUR HANDS WARM! WITH “I’M JUST HERE FOR THE BEER” ON ONE SIDE & PORK LOGO ON THE OTHER. DON’T BE KRAZY, GET A KOOZIE!
$6 WHICH BITCH NEEDS THIS WITCH BITCH PATCH? SPEND YOUR NIGHTS BURNING CANDLES & READING ANCIENT TOMES? CONTROL THE MOON? LIKE skulls? YOU MIGHT BE A WITCH BITCH!
$2 WE MAKE A STUPID NUMBER OF 1.25” BUTTONS WITH SNOTTY SAYINGS ON THEM. SUCH GEMS AS PICTURED, PISS OFF YOUR TEACHERS, IRRITATE UTOPIANS, CONFUSE NERDS & GET LOTSA LAFFS.
$20 GORGEOUS TWO COLOR CANVAS PRINT OF TRASHY TOTEM DESIGNS. GREAT AS A BACK PATCH, CUT UP INTO SMALLER PATCHES OR PUT ON YOUR CLUB-HOUSE WALL AS A WAR BANNER! 15”X20” OF CARTOON CHAOS FROM THE GUTTERS OF DEEPEST PORKLAND!
STANDARD English ‘77 studs
PORK TOTE BAG
$20 WEIRDO CLUB IS OUR ESOTERIC PUNK ROT BRAND BASED ON OUR TEENAGE EXPLORATIONS INTO THE DARK WORLDS OF PUNK DECAY & INSANITY. HOWLING AT THE MOON, SOAKED IN WEIRD WINE & SPEAKING TO GHOSTS, THIS IS THE ELDRITCH RELIGION THAT IS THE BACKBONE OF OUR ENDEAVORS.
$6 ALL THE CHICKEN-NECKED NERDS WILL BACK OFF WHEN THEY SEE THAT YOU’RE DOWN WITH PORK. ROOMS WILL BECOME QUIET WHEN YOU ENTER. PEOPLE WILL CROSS THE STREET TO AVOID YOU!
$24 THE CROWN OF LAZINESS, FOOD OBSESSION & JUVENILE DELIQUENCY CAN BE YOURS! HIGH-QUALITY RED WOOL-FELT CROWN JUST LIKE JUGHEAD WEARS! ZOWIE!
LUCKY RABBIT’S FOOT
$5 WE ALL NEED A LITTLE LUCK ON OUR SIDE & THIS LUCKY RABBIT’S FOOT IS PROVEN TO BRING LUCK TO ITS BEARER! ORIGINATING IN OLD AMERICAN MAGIC TRADITION, THE RABBIT’S FOOT CAN BE RUBBED WITH SCENTED OILS FOR EXTRA POWER!
I’M A MESS t-shirt
blitzkrieg buttons! SO MANY designs!
$10 “A FUCKIN’ WAY OF LIFE!” 100 CONE 2.25” STUDS FOR YOUR DENIM OR1.25”, LEATHER! SO & ROUGH! SO TOUGH! SO SHINY! I WILL BE STUDDING JACKETS UNTIL I DIE. YOU ALSO.
dill with it! PATCH
BIG EYEBALL BUTTON
$5 WE’VE BEEN UPPING THE ACCEPTED SIZE OF BUTTONS SINCE 2001! THIS BIG EYEBALL BUTTON IS 3.5” ACROSS! SO BIG! SO KRAZY! WE ALSO MAKE BURGERS, CHARLES MANSON ETC.
$6 EMBROIDERED PATCH! I’M LISTENING TO THE NEW YORK DILLS & BEYOND THE NALLEY OF THE DILLS. HOLD ON. DILL WITH IT. CAN WE MAKE A DILL? I’M THE REAL DILL. GET ON MY MOTORPICKLE & RIDE! I’M JUST GHERKIN YER CHAIN. IT’S A REAL, SWEET, DILL.
2 headed eagle t-shirt
$18 PORK BELIEVES IN THE EMPIRE OF THE SPIRIT & THE UNITY OF THE TWO-HEADED EAGLE, WITH HOT DOG, RAZOR BLADE, FLYING EYE, AMERICAN IRON CROSS SHIELD & ACE, SMOKING INTO THE HEAVENS.
$18 THIS DEMONIC ROCK&ROLL ENTITY HAS BEEN SLEEPING ON A MATTRESS ON THE FLOOR UNTIL 2 IN THE AFTERNOON EVERY DAY & UP ALL NIGHT GOING BONKERS! JOIN HIM!
HERE FOR THE BEER T-SHIRT
$18 BEER IS the SOLUTION FOR A SHITTY PARTY. SO MANY PARTIES, MAN, I DON’T WANNA BE HERE, WHERE IS THE FUCKING BEER? NOTHING WORSE THAN AN EMPTY KEG OR A GUARDED COOLER. FUCK THAT! I’M JUST HERe FOR THE BEER!
$18 WEIRDO ART IS ROCK&ROLL ART & ROCK&ROLL IS THE HEARTBEAT OF THE REAL AMERICA. THE WEIRDO ARTIST IS JUST AS FAR-OUT & KRAZY AS ANY AVANT GARDE MODERN ARTIST, BUT THEY SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE PEOPLE USING ONLY VULGARITY!
weirdo club t-shirt
PORKU FACE PATCH
$18 $10 THIS IS AN AUTOTHE PERFECT SIZE FOR BIOGRAPHICAL T-SHIRT. RECORD SHOPPING JUST THROW ME IN THE & EVEN BIG ENOUGH GARBAGE! DRINKING TO PUT ENTIRE PORK IN THE BUSHES. DRINKMAGAZINES INTO, THIS ING BY THE DRAINAGE STURDY, BLACK TOTE DITCH. SNIFFING SOLBAG WITH INSANELY VENTS. POPPING PILLS. BRIGHT PORK LOGO IN EATING GARBAGE. I’M A PINK & WHITE IS THE MESS! TIME TO PUT MYONLY BAG YOU’LL EVER SELF WHERE BELONG. look AT INTERNETPORK.COM for I more!!! NEED & GODDAMMIT, WITH THE RATS & FLIES YOU NEED AT LEAST IN THE ALLEY, NEXT TO TWO. THE BANANA PEELS.
real madness comix!
WEIRDO ART T-SHIRT
$18 SHOW THE WORLD THAT YOU’RE NOT AFRAID OF SLIPPERY, SWEATY, GREASY DOGS SQUIRTING INTO YOUR EAGER LIPS BUNS! WE $1 & for TWO WOULDN’T BE HERE DESIGNS ALL THE TIME!!! TOUGH VINYL!!! IFNEW WEINERS WEREN’T FULL COLOR!!! SLIPPING IT IN & KRAZY DESIGNS!!! PUT THEM SQUIRTING & SLIDINGALSO AVAILABLE IN GOBLINKO EVERYWHERE!!!! & GETTING NASTY. STICKER CARD VENDING MACHINES!!! WHERE’S MY&WOMAN?
$6 SATURDAY NIGHT’S ALRIGHT FOR PIZZA! STREET FOOD & STREET VIOLENCE COME TOGETHER IN THIS TRASHY TOTEM OF BAD BEHAVIOR & CHEAP, GREASY EATS. GET THIS PATCH OR YOU’LL BE SORRY!
$11 ALL AMERICAN WEIRDOS, ROCK&ROLLERS & OUT OF CONTROLLERS NEED TO FREAK OUT THE SQUARES WITH A TOTALLY RADICAL PORK IRON CROSS NECKLACE!!! GREAT FOR SIDEWALK, SEA, SAND & PYSCHE SURFERS! 1.25” PENDANT on 24” ball chain.
$5 16 pages OH NO! FOUR INSANE WEIRDO ART COLLECTIONS TO KREEPILY KOLOR BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON. THEY SAY THAT BY COLORING IN THESE PICTURES CORRECTLY YOU CAN UNLOCK GATES IN YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS & THUS, THE UNIVERSE. DEFINITELY RECOMMENDED FOR CHILDREN & THE MENTALLY ANGUISHED.
$8 IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS & TERRIFY ENEMIES! THIS ADORABLE PINK COMB LOOKS LIKE AN ORDINARY BARBIE-TYPE COMB UPON FIRST GLANCE BUT WHEN YOU PULL THE HANDLE OUT COMBS A DANGEROUS STAINLESS STEEL BLADE!!! KYAH! COMB & HANDLE ARE MADE OF HIGH IMPACT PLASTIC. BLADE IS 3.25” LONG & READY TO ROCK! THIS MAY BE ILLEGAL TO OWN IN YOUR AREA. CHECK LOCAL LAWS BEFORE ORDERING.
pizza knife patch
DON’T TELL YOUR MOTHER T-SHIRT
$18 DON’T TELL YOUR MOTHER, BUT GIVE HER A CALL & LET HER KNOW YOU’RE OKAY, EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT! DON’T KEEP HER UP ALL NIGHT WORRYING. DON’T TELL YOUR MOTHER. TAKE HER OUT FOR BRUNCH. SEND HER A CARD, BUT FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T TELL HER, MAN!
WEIRDO CLUB PACK #1
$13 YOU GET THIS PATCH, A POSTER, STICKERS, A MINI-ZINE, BUTTONS & WEIRDO PRAYERS IN THIS AMAZING WEIRDO CLUB PACK. CRUCIAL FOR 2013 & BEYOND! PUNK ROT DEATH ROCK WEIRDO CLUB.
PORK FACE T-SHIRT $18 PORK READERS are BOTH THE CREAM OF THE CROP & THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, TURNING TRASH INTO BACON & PORKING ALL NIGHT LONG. SHOW THIS STUPID WORLD THAT YOU GET DIRTY & DOWN WITH IT.
real madness comix!
ROCK&ROLL MONSTER BUTTON
$3 WE ARE ROCK&ROLL MONSTERS, FABRICATIONS OF THE ROUGH & TUMBLE WORLD OF FEET ON THE STREET AMERICA! MESSY, CRAZY, NASTY, SCARY, OUT OF CONTROL! LOOK OUT!
BLOW ME t-shirt $20 PORK DELINQUENT HERO GUMBALL JERRY IS PORTRAYED GROOVIN’ THROUGH THE NEIGHORHOOD & TO ALL THE SKURCHERS IN THEIR CARS & THAT DUDE ON THE BIKE HE’S LIKE, “BLOW ME!” COMES WITH EXCLUSIVE BUBBLEGUM COMIX!
gimmie a beer button
$3 OUR HERO DARBY CRASH, MUSH MOUTH DRUNK, MK ULTRA CARGO CULT PROPHET OF THE PUNKS, GAY, JEWISH, JUNKIE, SAYS WHAT WE’RE ALL THINKING. “GIMMIE A BEER!” MAKE THAT THREE.
PORK ARMY MEMBERSHIP KIT
$40 WHOEVER SAID YOU SHOULDN’T JOIN A GANG IS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU A BITCH FOR WHATEVER BULLSHIT ORGANIZATION THEY’RE A PART OF. FUCK ALL THAT, JOIN THE PORK ARMY. THE KOOLEST KIDS IN AMERICA ARE IN IT & YOU SHOULD BE TOo. IF YOU’RE NOT, YOU’RE A punk ass.
THE PORK SHOP MAIL ORDER!!! LET’S SHOPPING!!! HOW TO ORDER!!! ORDER ONLINE: porkmagazine.bigcartel.com
$1 FOR TWO FULL-COLOR, DURABLE VINYL STICKERS FOR YOUR SKATEBOARD, GUITAR CASE, BINDER, LAPTOP, CELL PHONE CASE, CAR, BIKE, BUTT, SHELF ETC. WE ALSO OPERATE A BUNCH OF STICKER VENDING MACHINES IN EUGENE & PORTLAND WHICH YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT. AT REDLIGHT, FLOATING WORLD COMICS, BIG CITY GAMING, THE BIJOU, MECCA & SIZZLE PIE!!! MORE SOON!
BY MAIL: Send well concealed cash, check or money order, YOUR EMAIL OR PHONE NUMBER WITH A DETAILED LIST OF WHAT YOU’D LIKE to: GOBLINKO pobox 12044 Eugene OR 97440 USA. SHIPPING RATES ARE LISTED ONLINE. WE SHIP INTERNATIONAL. QUESTIONS? KATIE@INTERNETPORK.COM OR 541*556*4364 Orders are shipped ON MONDAYS & FRIDAYS. WE DO WHOLESALE! PORK IS AN INDEPENDENT, FAMILY BUSINESS.
“Rock&Roll is hard work, it’s harder than being in the army. Your guitar is your machine gun; your instruments are your implements of battle.” -Patti Smith
How did the Typical PORK Reader burn her lips? She ate pizza before it was cool.
ask me, donâ€™t tell me.
SPEED DEATH MAKERS
714 Valencia Street @ 18th, San Francisco (415) 558-0658
157 Orchard Street @ Rivington, New York (212) 388-0079 157 Orchard Street @ Rivington, New York (212) 388-0079
714 Valencia Street @ 18th, San Francisco (415) 558-0658
144 N. La Brea Ave @ Beverly, Los Angeles (323) 933-9000 144 N. La Brea Ave @ Beverly, Los Angeles (323) 933-9000
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