10.04.13
The unhapp i est place on Earth
The scariest things at theme parks are not the dinosaur animatronics or the roller-coasters, but the visitors themselves. By Dylan Hendrickson.
L
ast August, I went to Universal Studios. I hated it. Well, I didn’t hate it. I just loathed every single moment of existing there, surrounded by thousands of faceless and deodorant-less people while feeling that dread and fear of slowly withering away without anyone realizing I was ever alive. I don’t really like crowds. I’m not an agoraphobe; I don’t get panic attacks and nervous sweats from being around people, in spite of how I may act at school. However, there’s something about being one of the masses that’s unsettling and stirs a dark, spider-like dread crawling deep inside my mind. Being in a crowd makes me feel like a nothing. Of course, I know I am not the super special snowflake that I was told to be in elementary school. I know that I am neither super, nor special, and I am just one of many similarly special and unique snowflakes in a giant blizzard just waiting to be swept off the side panel of someone’s $150,000 BMW because I’ll damage its matte paint job if I don’t. I know this, and I grudgingly accept these terms
and conditions because how else am I going to move on? Even with the knowledge that I am just one of millions and billions of people, I still tell myself that I am unique and special, despite how glaringly untrue that is. But at theme parks, and in crowds in general, I look at all the herds of people, all with stories of how they got there, what they feel, memories that shaped who they are, and I realize that I don’t care. I don’t care if they saved up five years to be here or whether they’re here for a dying kid’s final wish. I simply don’t know anything about these people and I never will. What frightens me even more is that they have the same non-thought as me. This sounds apathetic and cynical, but this is how we live our life day by day. Five times a day, we pass by students frantically trying to make it in time so they learn about chronic conics or electronic bionics, all thinking to themselves about whether they should write anything clever on the next test if they don’t know the answer or whether that smile really means that she’s in love
with you. These are living people and we can’t know everyone. It is socially and mentally impossible. So what did I learn from this? Did I learn to be useful so I would actually become somebody worth noticing? Did I learn to break away from my cynical shell so I could actually enjoy life ? Did he get the girl? The answer is no (stick in there, buddy). In all honesty, it’s easier for me to just go home, lock myself in my room and never care about the world ever again. But abandoning myself to feel ‘better’ isn’t really bettering anyone. Shutting out society in order to get away from the apparent apathy of the world is deluding myself into thinking that I matter so little that no one will care about anything I say or do. Maybe no one does care. That doesn’t mean life isn’t worth anything. I know this is cheesy and tastes like a bowl of metaphorical chicken soup, but maybe I need to go out in life and do something to make it worth living. Maybe I need to do a self-improvement project, like a bird house or something cliche like that. I could go somewhere. Go anywhere. Anywhere except theme parks.
After a while, you’re just another face in the crowd. Art by Alynne Powers.
Celebrity meltdown, or cry for help? Being in and out of rehab and being a fool in front of the camera may be more than just another step to becoming an icon. By Taylor Knudson.
I
often fantasize about someday being famous. Signing copies of my debut album (entitled “Angzty”), speeding away from paparazzi in my leopard print Ferrari, and getting into a three way Twitter war with Rhianna and Cher would be just a few of my duties as a superstar. Just as my notoriety slammed to a bitter halt, I would pull out every celebrity’s key to extending their 15 minutes of fame to five years of infamy: staging a meltdown. The summer of 2013 was ripe with former child stars humiliating themselves in the media. From Miley Cyrus twerking all over the VMA’s, to Amanda Bynes’ twisted love story with Drake, to Justin Bieber’s politi-
cal statement against Bill Clinton, it was practically Christmas at TMZ. While many saw this as Cyrus “just doing Miley” or Bieber “being a teenager” these meltdowns have become surefire methods for celebrities to skyrocket to permanent notoriety. 2005 Paris Hilton, 2007 Britney Spears, and 2007 Lindsey Lohan were some of the most important moments in tabloid history. This was the time that Chris Crocker spoke out against the injustices permitted against Spears – taking Rosa Parks’ role as a modern civil rights advocate. These were the days that Lohan and Hilton pretended to have musical talent just long enough to permanently scar their future children.
The thought of these moments evoke in Americans’ hearts like the smell of a campfire invites memories of childhood. While this time in pop culture may seem to be some of the most humiliating moments in these celebrities’ lives, they were actually some of the most notorious. Britney released one of her most iconic albums, Paris was mentioned more than ever, and Lindsey was booking appearances frequently. As ridiculous as it sounds, becoming a danger to yourself and society is actually one of the most effective ways of staying relevant. While celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt began to fade by maturing and doing good for the world, people like Bieber
and Cyrus have maintained their status in the world of stardom by offending and disgusting. They have become idols and heart throbs to millions of impressionable preteen girls who may think that twerking on 45-year-old men is “cool” and that urinating into a bucket (that some poor janitor is going to have to clean up) is “funny” or remotely acceptable just because they saw their idol do it on “Access Hollywood.” While I’m not saying that celebrities should have to censor themselves or become role models for teens everywhere, it’s important that those who are on a downhill spiral should receive way less attention than they currently do. Not only is this mindset harm-
ful to their fans, it has disastrous effects on the stars themselves. Spears lost custody of her children, Lohan has been to more rehab centers than she’s starred in movies, and Bynes almost lit someone’s house on fire. These tabloid titles aren’t surreal jokes on a sitcom. They’re cries for help. Perhaps if people had spent less time laughing at Bynes’ tweets and Britney’s bald head they might have realized just how serious some of these stars’ situations truly were. I suppose I’ll put my fantasy of stardom on the backburner. Maybe invest in a college degree, push the release date of my album back a few years, and commit to a job that doesn’t involve humiliating myself for the sake of relevancy.