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Nobody knows the real me. They have no idea how I really am, how I really feel. They think I'm just the girl who always responds to teachers yet never gets in trouble, they think I'm just the girl who doesn't study yet gets good grades. They think I'm just the girl that makes her friends feel bad, and then gets away with it. But life isn't that easy to me. They don't know that I'm afraid that I'm never good enough, they don't know that I feel bad for causing so much pain to people, as they say. But they don't know that I don't change becauseit's too late to change. People don't know me as the nice, friendly person, who cares about stuff. They know me as the unsensitive bitch who's rarely nice to anyone. All I want to do is start over, in another country. But then I also don't want that. My parents aren't together, and if I go with my mom.. Then I'll rarely see my dad. I don't want to be that girl who stopped seeing her dad. And her sister. I don't want my sister to grow up and not know who I am. I don't want my dad to tell his friends that he hasn't seen his daughter in 10 years. I don't want to have to tell my friends that I left my dad at a young age and slowly stopped seeing him. Soall I do is shut up and keep on being just the way I am, becauseif I even think about telling my so called friends all of this, they'll just say I want attention. They just don't get it.

***

One person I really like is Ilhaam. She's always there for me. Ilhaam is a good friend, even thou she can be annoying. I love how much we have in common, and it's just amazing how she's always there for people. She's the only one you can talk to about everything, and not be judged. I hate it how people can be harsh on her, including me in the past. But then I met her for real and I really liked her, and I think if everyone stopped wasting their times annoying her, they could just try to be her friends. Even T.Vincent is hard on her. Speaking about T.Vincent, I'd never seen such a violent teacher before. All he does is throw around our tables, and when we speak in our language, Portuguese, and he hears a word he doesn't understand,


he thinks we're insulting him. He just doesn't know how to be humane, and what irritates me is that people don't even deffend themselves from T.Vincent and T.Ric. T.Ric is a teacher who's always saying that we respect T.Eric becausewe're scared of him (not true, we just respect him because he respects us), and then he gets angry at us about that, and starts saying that "his method of teaching is my being friendly to students," and that's the biggest lie I ever heard. His method of teaching is by intimidating people and making other children uncomfortable. I mean, what sort of teacher goes around to girls saying "You're growing now, starting to become sexy." That gives us the right to file a complaint.

**

Okay, so I like this guy, Danyaal. I don't think he likes me back, I tried to get over him, I said I'm over him. But I'm not :L. "Wish I could spin my world into reverse, just to have him back again. There's just no getting over him." He doesn't understand, all I want is one of those afternoons where we stay late at school, and we hang out <3. That's all I ask for. We don't even have to talk. It's just that feeling, when he enters a room I'm in, or when we're in the same compartment <3. I don't think I'm asking for alot. But he doesn't get it. He's nice, he really is, but I don't know why he acts all tough around his friends, when his friends still act nice. It's a curse. I always have to fall for the biggest idiots -.-'

**


August 2011  

A small book saying my feelings, my good times and my bad times, and telling you about my days

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