VOLUME 3 SPRING 2015
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
DEPARTMENTS 4 5 14 23 26 27
Letter From the Editor Between the Sheets I Daily Ruin Sky Mall Between the Sheets II Get Involved
Ways to Deal with Your Marxist Roommate 8 Urban Linguistics Studies 10 The Five Types of People in Discussion Section 11 Roommate’s Alarm Schedule 12 “I Can’t Do This” Notes 13 Week 2 Pledge Traditions 16 A Typical Trip 18 Sob Story Idol 22 Who Do You Know Here?
ILLUSTRATION 7 11 13 17
Build Your Own Kerckhoff Virus Chart Paul the Dog LA Constellation Map
Aliya Kamalova Editor in Chief Anaika Miller Senior Editor Kim Seltzer Assistant Editor Sachin Medhekar Managing Editor
STAFF Andrew Kang Writer
Stefan Dismond Writer
Amir Naveh Writer
Olivia Taylor Writer
Ashlyn Thomas Writer
Amanda Esther Gani Artist
Brittany Hewitt Writer Gayan Seneviratna Writer Goldstein & Goldstein Writer Mahir Shah Writer Nathan Mosher Writer
Cover by Aliya Kamalova & Olivia Taylor
Ellie Martino Artist Deena Mostafa Artist Maegan Lu Artist Sarita ZedSchreiber Artist Marcie Lacerte Muse
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
Dear Reader, If you are reading this, that means we did it. This is the last item to be placed in the layout. I saved it for last because several times throughout the sleep-deprived week of building this magazine, I contemplated whether or not to just use this space for my letter of resignation. Instead, I dedicate this portion of the magazine to you.
Please, please, please don’t throw away this magazine. We began Satyr as a quartely publication, in fact, up to a week ago we kept referring to it as a quarterly. I think I’m starting to now realize that print is dying. But somehow zines are really cool? Yeah. This is a zine now. This publication is an annual zine. We’re on a budget (we’re broke). Here are some non-budget related numbers from the past quarter: Number of times we debated the color of an absent staffer’s hair at meeting: 2 Number of times we laughed at Sarita trying to pitch something: 7 Number of group meditation exercises done during meeting: 1 Number of times someone says, “This one isn’t funny, but there’s something there.”: 27 Number of times someone says, “This one might be too Buzzfeed-y, but there’s something there.”: 26 Number of times Olivia tries to get attention from drinking Trader Joe’s Maple Water: 15 Number of velvet jackets owned within staff: 1 dope red jacket Record number of pies eaten during a single meeting: 4 Number of times the word dope was used ironically: 20 Number of times the word dope was used unironically: 10 11 Number of grizzly bear documentaries watched during the process of building this magazine: .75 Number of snack foods eaten during the process of building this magazine: a regretable amount Total number of dates gone on collectively among staff: 0 These figures pretty much sum up this rag-tag team of decently-looking youths. Next time you see any of us on the street (as us youths often are) slip us a $20 because satire is important. We need people who aren’t afraid to call out something that needs to be called out. I’m looking at you, tuition hike. Even if these people perhaps too passionately love pie or marijuana. I hope you enjoy the rest of this magazine. We still haven’t decided on a theme. Actually, we’ve never had a theme. Maybe it’s up to your artistic representation? Let us know in the comments below. Rate ‘n’ subscribe, Aliya Kamalova
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
BETWEEN THE SHEETS Riddles to Warm You Up
Insults to Put You in Place
By Olivia Taylor
By Gayan Seneviratna
1. You come across a stranger on the street. He poses a riddle to you, as strangers are apt to do: “I’m not racist, but everyone is racist.” Can you trust him, is he racist? A. No. B. Yes. C. What? D. He watches Fox News.
1. You sound like your entire mouth is buck teeth. 2. You’re like the human equivalent of Strep Throat. 3. Steve Buscemi would play you in a movie of your life (said to a girl). 4. I bet you were conceived in a PT Cruiser. 5. I didn’t believe in eugenics until I met you.
2. A man can be a woman, and a man can be a man, a woman can be a woman, and a woman can be a man. The woman can marry the man, and the man can marry the woman, but why can’t the man marry the man?
6. George Costanza is your spirit animal.
A. Yes. B. No. C. I am a straight white male. I don’t see how this concerns me. D. Indiana.
9. You don’t have friends, just people who pity you.
3. What’s black and white and red all over? A. Yes. B. Pandas at the San Diego Zoo. C. Tilicum, by the way did you see Black Fish? D. US race relations.
7. You’d be in Hufflepuff. 8. Remind me to never take an HD picture of your face.
10. You look like a “before” picture. 11. Your body type does not match societal norms for your gender. Change.
Doodle to Make You Feel Better By Sarita Zed-Schreiber
4. Pam and Larry both work for PetSmart where the pets go. Oh wait that’s Petco. But the point is, every day, they both come to work on time, work the same hours, just relentlessly climbing the career ladder at the largest chain of pet stores in the US, Canada, and Puerto Rico. Larry is paid 1 dollar an hour, and Pam is paid 75 cents an hour, why? A. RATS! B. You can’t climb a career ladder with a uterus. C. Pam is a cat, NICE TRY! D. I refuse to answer this question until we address whether it’s Pet Smart or Pet’s Mart. Thanks.
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
By Sarah Crosthwaite Is your roommate harboring socialist sympathies? Ask yourself if they refer to themselves in third-person as “the Proletariat.” For example, “The Proletariat has a study group.” If phrases like this ever slip out, it’s probably safe to say that your randomized roommate assignment matched you up with a Marxist. Another good indicator is if your roommate expresses a vague nostalgia for the early days of the USSR. If you decide you have a Marxist roommate, here’s Satyr’s advice on how to avoid trouble with your new comrade.
1. Lock things up The typical “putting a Post-It on your yogurt” isn’t going to work with an upper-middle class kid gone Marxist. They believe they have the same right to that yogurt as you, and your wimpy Post-It certainly won’t change that. Your best option is to buy a small safe and put the yogurt in there. It may be a little warmer than you would like, but it’s all yours. 2.
Present yourself as a working-class farmer
Do anything you can to show that you are one of the proletariat. Wear overalls, talk about your crops, and frequently bring up your distaste for “Shark Tank.” If your roommate sees through your disguise, hide all sharp and blunt objects in that safe we talked about earlier. At some point, your roommate will want to stage a violent revolt against the capitalist elite, and you don’t want to be their target.
3. Take down idolatry (religious or other) To you, that poster of John Lennon during his small, round glasses phase isn’t religious idolatry, but your Marxist roommate probably feels differently. Spare yourself the argument that will inevitably end in class warfare and just take it all down. If you must have wall hangings, keep them limited to portraits of older, white men with beards looking stoically off to the left.
Illustrated by Amanda Esther Gani
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
Build Your Own Kerckhoff
Created by Kim Seltzer & Aliya Kamalova Illustrated by Ellie Martino
Here’s a fun little thing we made! Cut out the characters and build your very own Kerckhoff Coffee House. What will you include in your Kerckhoff?? The options are almost unlimted!
An open table
A totally normal healthy snack A jacket to reserve the open table A 75 cent banana
Cashier asking “Are you a student?” Someone who is obviously a student
Someone clearly searching for their friend but trying not to make it that obvious
Someone looking for Baskin Robbins Someone doing slam poetry
Blender to drown out slam poet Unrefridgerated milk/creamer
Bunch of Daily Bruins on the ground
Crumbs for toaster Keyboard that may or may not work
Someone who is obviously not a student
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
URBAN LINGUISTICS STUDIES I don’t understand this language. People tell me I’m sick, but I do not feel ill. I am not a boss of any kind. And why has no one realized that they don’t have nine lives until recently? They ask me to hang out, but I prefer it inside. And inside is where I study best. Because of this dilemma, I enrolled in Urban Linguistic Studies. We study the language of popular culture and its usage, all of which I’m really starting to get the hang of. Here is my account of Professor Wayne’s class.
There are five principles in UL: 1. Content learned is dynamic and powerful 2. Practice and review are essential components of the course 3. Urban Linguistics is just as much a part of you as you are a part of it 4. Urban Linguistics is not responsible for any harm, arrest, or disaster a student may face, create, or incur 5. Have fun I took it upon myself to put these terms into practice. Here are my notes:
Lesson 1: I called my brother
and told him I loved him. All he said was “thank you.” So, I tried my best to meet more males on campus. I complimented men at the gym but for some reason they didn’t want to make us working out together a consistent thing. I tried again: Tinder. I did get some matches and sent a few “hey :)’s,” but I did not expect the subsequent photos that I received. Quickly, I learned that this was not my type of scene. Face-to-face was my avenue of choice. The communal bathrooms in the dorms were also a fluke. No one likes too much eye contact. This concept may need some work.
Bromance: A platonic but elevated friendship between two males on the brink of romance.
Lesson 2: Nothing is more
appreciated than a gift or gesture from a stranger. With
parking in Los Angeles being such a hassle, a selfless deed is best warranted. I make it an effort to parallel park somewhere snug. Somewhere cozy. And when I do (as Professor Wayne wisely explained in class) Lesson 2 is almost unavoidable, and usually never malicious. I park and give others a light caress, and when I do, I am successful in my urban immersion. This time though, the car alarm rang and shrieked. I didn’t know what to do. Nothing was broken or damaged. Just urban linguistics in action I suppose. My fine was $346.
Love Tap: The bump/nudge/inevitable jerk against another vehicle while parallel parking.
“I called my brother and told him I loved him. All he said was ‘thank you.’”
Lesson 3: After the third lesson, I knew that
I had to sign up for anything that happened on campus or around it. My stress levels were at their peak as I tried to balance everything along with schoolwork— Urban Linguistics was not helping. I would double-book, over-schedule, procrastinate, skip out on plans, and I felt disappointed in myself when I missed an experience. The next lesson could not come sooner.
FOMO: Fear of missing out. The incessant and gnawing fear of missing out on any event/party/outing and that time was not spent to its fullest potential.
Wenis: The flexible skin on the elbow.
Lesson 8: Standing at the center of a concert, I felt extremely overwhelmed with this week’s lesson. There were people close behind me and even closer from the front. Urban Linguistics urged me to exclaim this week’s phrase in the midst of the crowd. I couldn’t tell if anyone else understood the hilarity of it all. I may have even let out a giggle or two.
Nuts to Butts: In a very crowded place, your crotch
Lesson 4: I was finally close enough to touch her so I reached touches someone’s rear, and your rear does the same to another out softly. At first she didn’t react, until all of a sudden she drastically pulled back. For a second I thought I was doing something right. She stormed up and slapped me. She left me alone at a table in the library with only one shoe on. Clearly, she was not down to footsie. I may need to go back and study my UL notes.
DTF: Consent or willingness to have intercourse. Noun and adj.
Lesson 5: Some things are just as they are. Kiwis: Are Kiwis.
Lesson 6: This lesson was particularly diverse and difficult to
grasp. All at once things were negative and positive. Sometimes naughty and edgy. At the same time it could mean things were sexy. I was at fault; such a word gave me the power to take responsibility. It is everything and nothing at the same time. Hooray for English.
Bad: Good, not good, sexy, naughty, taking responsibility/being at fault, sexy in appearance. Variations: Bad-ass
person. So nuts, much butts.
Lesson 9: At this point I had become an avid follower of Urban
Linguistic Studies and Mr. Wayne’s philosophy. I began to integrate this phrase into my everyday language. Every frustrating and irrelevant person felt my wrath and sass. They left, and I fired it at them. Each time, they were momentarily confused and left feeling that no one wanted them there. I even used a name that wasn’t theirs.
Bye Felicia: What you say when a girl no one likes or cares for leaves the room. This person is so irrelevant and insignificant which no one is bothered to see leave. Anybody: “See you later, guys!” Me: “Bye, Felicia!” Anybody: “Who?” Me: “Word. BYE, FELICIA”
Lesson 7: It is rumored that it is the least sensitive part of your
body. I’ve been urged not to utter it in public, but it’s a goldmine of urban jargon. Anatomically speaking, it is so very flexible, but as I’ve tried pulling quite a few of them, I’ve realized mine has a ways to go. This week I did not share what I learned at the dinner table with my parents, they were still having trouble with DTF.
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
The Five Types of People in Your Discussion Section By Goldstein & Goldstein
Oh, the people you’ll meet in your discussion section! Yep, they pretty much all suck. Within this strange, academically constructed space, one can always look forward to the serene silence that follows discussion questions the TA poses to the entire class, or the stilted small talk that occurs among the group your TA randomly placed you in once no one has anything more to offer about the use of phallic imagery in “Paradise Lost.” To the UCLA student in their first quarter or last, this guide represents your best chance of discussion section survival by meticulously cataloguing some of the foulest beasts inhabiting it. The I Volunteer (You) As Tribute: When working in small groups, this fiend will promise to present the team’s findings to the class, and then gleefully reverse-Hunger Games you when instead they volunteer you as designated group speaker when the TA calls on your group. Stammer, stumble, and generalize your way through, because The I Volunteer (You) As Tribute will delight in every second of it.
Illustrated by Sarita Zed-Schreiber
The Soliloquist: You may muse upon entering your classroom if you instead have wandered into the middle of a Shakespeare Theater Company production. You haven’t, but The Soliloquist seems to think you have. This silver-tongued monologist cannot seem to stop offering their long-winded comments, but never seems to make an actual point. Although this creature strives to wax poetic, the students surrounding them only wish to have wax shoved in their ears. The Walking Dictionary: Floccinaucinihilipilification. Honorificabilitudinitatibus. Pseudopseudohypoparathyrodism. You know these are actual English words because you looked them up after class when this monster casually broke them out when the TA asked the class what time it was. The Walking Dictionary will have no qualms about calling you a spleeny, rump-fed pignut when you say something dumb in section, mostly because they know you won’t understand the insult until hours later when you worriedly consult a physical copy of the dictionary. The Mime: Is The Mime mute, doing performance art, or in the midst of a nervous breakdown? The choice is unclear, but their lack of communication is crystal. When your TA breaks you into pairs of two, this being’s power of unease reaches its zenith when they will refuse to answer your question about their thoughts on a passage or even the courtesy “what is your major” question when discussion subsides. The Mime may have a perfect poker face, yet underneath this façade, this animal cackles in glee at your discomfort. The Romeo: A close relative of The Soliloquist, The Romeo will transform the rest of the student population into a super-sized third wheel. In between offering to bring in Romantic poetry to read and mulling over what picnic items to bring to the next office hours, this beast has a fervent passion for your TA and isn’t afraid to show it, or declare it openly. When The Romeo begins starting one-on-one conversations with the TA in the middle of a large group discussion, it may be time to exit and take some of their storebought chocolate on the TA’s desk on the way out.
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
Gene Block Aliases Gene “The Block” Johnson Gene-ifer Aniston Gene from the Block Gene in a bottle (gotta rub him the right way) Genie Block Pro Skater 2 Cegene Dion Gene wit it rock wit it Gene but not heard Gene Girls (starring Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams) Gene Girls (starring Beyonce and Jennifer Hudson) Genesus Christ Genie Johns sandwiches He’s the Gene one, Mr. Grinch Life is but a Gene Lean Gene Fighting Machine You can talk the talk but can you block The Block Block Trial Cock Block Gene Blocardi Superior Blockadoodledo Zachary Quinto is Block Blocka Flacka Flame Gene Blocka Blocka (This Time for Africa) Gene pronounced as Geen
Roommate’s Alarm Schedule By Kim Seltzer
Everyone knows that person whose alarm goes off 20 times a day. Because everyone knows my roommate. After months of rolling my eyes to the cries of her phone, I finally found out exactly what she needs to be reminded of every hour, and I’ve attached screenshots here for you to share in my pain or at least get some suggestions for the next time you want attention but don’t know how to label it.
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
Olivia Taylor 12 ByTHESATYRMAG.COM
Week 2 Traditions for Pledges* underlined events are mandatory* By Brittany Hewitt Nail it: Grab your new favorite galpal and pair up with four other duos. Take turns painting each otherâ€™s nails in a rotation. Try to avoid intricate patterns and go for something more basic like all the same shade of white! Group Dinner: Bring a date from our brother frat and engage in candle-lite conversation. Blood Shots: Remove a bobby-pin from your skirt and slice open your pinkie finger. Let the blood drip into your new KKK DTOP shot glass and raise your glass to the new pledge class! Monopoly Night: What better way to practice how to handle trust funds than to practice with fake money? This game night will feature around the table discussions of what moneyâ€™s true purpose is. Knotted Together: This evening will feature a massage-train style braiding line. Directions for all braid types can be found in appendixes A - X. Koala Dinner: Remember to bring hiking poles! Fun in the Sun: Wear your favorite push-up suit and get ready for our bikini photoshoot. Margaritas will be provided. All images will be used for our annual 11-month calendar.
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
The bullshitting major is going to encompass and replace the existing english, philosophy, and history majors.” Students receiving a B.A. in bullshitting will be required to take a series of introductory, core, and upper division classes in B.S. that will enable them to excel in their elective courses. Core classes such as N Reading 150, will teach students how to discuss topics that they “know very little about.” At the end of the quarter, students
sentation on a book they have never read. Students who score high on the midterm and final exam, without ever coming to lecture, will be awarded extra credit. Introductory courses, such as Margins 101 and Procrastination 102, will cultivate skills that enable students to achieve academic success with minimal effort. “Margins is going to teach students how to meet essay page requirements without actually writing more,” said B.S. Professor Thomas Mcdonald. “You would be surprised at how many students enter college not knowing that they can adjust the spacing between words, make periods bigger, or even just make margins wider in order to meet page requirements.” When asked to describe the curriculum in Procrastination 102, McDonald was unable to provide much information. “The syllabus for 102 is due tomorrow, but I am going to dinner with friends tonight, so I’ll probably just finish it in the morning.” t THOUSAND OAKS— Local man, John Nathan, sneezed last Wednesday at BeanScene Coffee Shop at the corner of Lindero and Kanan eliciting no response from fellow espresso aficionados. Nathan, who ordered a room temperature Iced Chai, took a pause from drinking in order to draw attention to a pending sneeze. After looking around the room and realizing that “no one
BY KIM SELTZER RUIN STAFF
For more information regarding this story email firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject line: “Bless this mess”
was paying attention,” Nathan sneezed loudly while simultaneously slamming his hand against the table and rapidly scooting his chair back into a nearby bookshelf of used board games. “It’s not that I’m upset about it, it’s just that I’m surprised in a negative way,” said Nathan. “A priest was sitting right behind me, and last I checked, it’s his goddamn job to bless people.” Nathan waited two minutes after the sneeze before muttering “unbelievable” to himself and exiting the coffee shop. At press time, it was unclear whether Nathan was granted a pass to heaven or not. t
at locals with “stronger” emotions, first decided to create a 5:00-7:00 p.m.
BY MAHIR SHAH RUIN STAFF
had happy hours which turned me away. That’s when I decided to open
Smith. Douris said that Sarah McLachlan’s “Animal Cruelty” video will also
and a splash of blood from bartender Mary’s wrists. t
BY ANAIKA MILLER RUIN STAFF
New Emo Bar Opens in Westwood, Promotes “Sad Hour” Roommate Not Awful Enough WESTWOOD— Crowds gathered sad hour when owner, Sam Douris, fell up Saddie’s, so people like me have a be playing on repeat throughout the To Justify Actual outside of Westwood’s newest bar this into depression after his 19 cat-year place to go,” said Douris. hour. Sunday in anticipation of the bar’s old cat died of a heart attack. Saddie’s customers, from 5:00-7:00 Saddie’s specialties include the fresh take on happy hour: sad hour. “After Ginger’s death, all I wanted p.m., can enjoy a five dollar increase in “(Real) Bloody Mary”: tomato juice, Confrontation Saddie’s, a bar and nightclub aimed to do was drink, but all the local bars cocktail prices while listening to Sam fresh ground pepper, a stalk of celery,
WESTWOOD— Chancellor Gene Block announced Wednesday that UCLA will offer a major in bullshitting to students beginning in Fall 2015. “Increasingly, students are graduating not with a holistic grasp of their field of study, but rather academic bullshitting skills and debt from student loans,” Block said. “To address student concerns about the tuition increase, we are offering an exclusive three-majors-in-one deal.
BY OLIVIA TAYLOR RUIN STAFF
New Bullshitting Major to be Offered at UCLA Sneezing Man Waits for a will be tested in their proficiency of Blessing That Never Comes N Reading by giving a 15 minute pre-
DAILY RUIN UCLA’s Occasionally Preferred Newsource
SARITA ZED-SCHREIBER FORENSIC SKETCH ARTIST
This police sketch shows the suspect to be a virus in its mid-1000s with a “virus-y” face, hazel eyes, wearing a trench coat and 50’s style fedora. If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of this virus, contact: email@example.com with the subject line: “I know exactly where the virus is.”
The virus, who had assumed the identity of a young woman named Sarah Mueller from a small town in Wisconsin, confirmed the allegation. “I was just tired of living in a cheap condo next to a freeway in Fresno,” said the virus. Despite this, the virus said she is hopeful that “me and my buddy Polio can get back in the game.” The virus’ whereabouts are still unknown and police are trying to locate her in order to stop her from “making people sick.” Strangely the anti-vaccine movement does not seem to have lost any followers after this revelation. t
Giant Virus in
LOS ANGELES— The members of Higher Up!, a student advocacy group promoting the struggles of tall students, have had it up to here. “Everyone says I should feel fortunate for the privilege I have, but honestly the people on this campus stare at me like I’m some sort of freak,” lamented 6’ math major Jessica McFadden. “We’re the true minorities, or maybe highnorities, on this campus.” Many members feel as though their height plight has been ignored for too long. “There are plenty of programs and assistance available to shorter Americans,” explained Michael Winters, a 6’3 biology major. “Stools, ladders, stilts— I’m sick of all the handouts.”
BY ASHLYN THOMAS RUIN STAFF
Higher Up! has been diligently preparing for the rally over the past few weeks by handing out flyers on Bruinwalk with phrases such as “Say No to Height Guilt” and “Stand Tall, Height Power!” The rally is expected to take place in front of Bunche Hall, the tallest building on UCLA’s campus. The members are to wear tall, pointed hats in order to emphasize their stature. “I would like to think that, if he were alive today, Mr. Bunche would approve of our efforts to stand up to the injustices against tall people and our efforts to improve interspacial relations,” Winters said. “We hope this jumpstarts the birth of a nation of accepting citizens.” Some student demands include
higher doorways, roomier desks, and inclusion in the Bruin Diversity Requirement. “I feel like we learn a lot about the contributions of short people in the current curriculum,” said 6’2 political science major Katherine Meyers. “Why is there no Height History?” “It feels really great to find a group of people who understand me,” said 6’4 freshman Jacob Henderson. “People look at me and assume I must be an athlete and that’s the only reason I got into UCLA. It’s ridiculous. We’re just tired of being treated like second class citizens at our own school and want to be heard.” The rally is set for this Friday at noon. t
Students to Hold Rally Against ‘Height Privilege’
LOS ANGELES-- A shocking discovery was made on Tuesday when a prominent anti-vaxxer was found to have ulterior motives for her activism. Suspicions were first raised at an anti-vaccine rally when the main speaker refused to take off her trench coat despite the 90-degree temperature at the outdoor event. Rally attendee Monica Folter said, “I really noticed something was off when I went to shake her hand after the event and she cautiously placed three spindles of DNA instead of a hand in my hand.” Folter alerted security and it was soon revealed that the champion of the anti-vaxxer movement was actually just a huge, out-of-work measles virus in an Ann Taylor Loft trench coat.
BY SARAH CROSTHWAITE RUIN STAFF
Anti-Vaxxer Secretly Just A Trench Coat
WESTWOOD— Many students were disappointed to learn earlier today that Sigma Theta Delta cancelled its highly anticipated highlighter party on Thursday night. “Yeah, man, we’re sorry we’re not throwing down this Thursday, but we promise we’ll turn up next week,” said STD President Aaron Walker in a public statement. When asked about the reason for the cancellation, Walker said that the fraternity was not at liberty to disclose that information. However, an inside source informed the Daily Ruin that the party was cancelled after the brothers saw what their house looked like under black light. According to the source, the brothers fell violently ill after noticing questionable glowing stains throughout the house. “The bathroom floor had stains all over it, but the brothers didn’t get sick until they saw that the kitchen counter was glowing,” stated the unnamed source. STD is currently seeking industrial cleaning services to resolve the issue, and Walker assured students that the highlighter party will come back soon. Until then, partiers are advised to stay safe and away from the kitchen counter. t
BY ANDREW KANG RUIN STAFF
Fraternity Sees House Under Black Light, Cancels Party
*Last name has been removed to protect individual’s identity.
LOS ANGELES—Mere weeks from winter break, two roommates confessed they are harboring extreme frustration that their other roommate never acted badly enough to justify a serious talking-to this quarter. Third-year computer science student Amanda Farrell and third-year anthropology student Julia Nguyen always assumed Sarah* would “get cooler, or at least act so horribly that [they’d] be able to really call her out on it.” But as the weeks passed, Farrell said Sarah’s subtle disregard for her roommates — which was noticeable but still too discrete to make a big deal about — remained a constant in their apartment dynamics. Nguyen said that the problem really comes down to Sarah’s small, daily habits. “She doesn’t listen to music with headphones on, but she doesn’t play it too loudly. She sucks at washing dishes, but the amount of food left on the silverware could be chalked up to her poor eyesight,” Nguyen said. Farrell added that Sarah also forgets to replace empty toilet paper rolls, and disproportionately uses up the apartment’s communal food items, like salt and flour, which the roommates split the cost of. “She has perfected the barely-bearable roommate act,” Farrell said. “But we also know that these aren’t huge problems, you know? Nobody wants to be known for being super uptight and nitpicky about small stuff like this.” As far as choosing future roommates, Nguyen and Farrell said they will be looking for someone with an extreme personality. “That way, you know what you’re getting into, and it won’t be weird that you’re asking them to stop doing things since they’re also always trying to turn your living room into a soup kitchen or something,” Farrell said. t
A typical trip to whole foods
A typical trip to Ralphs
By Mahir Shah
By Mahir Shah
Sadly, I had run out of boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast, so I knew it was time to make my weekly trip to Whole Foods. As I entered the parking lot in my teal Toyota Prius, I was excited— maybe this time, the electric-vehicle parking space would be empty, but, to my dismay, another teal Toyota Prius was parked at the charging station.
The time had come again—I had run out of boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast, but after my most recent trip to Whole Foods I knew I would never go back there again. My friends had mentioned another supermarket named Ralphs and I decided I would give it a reluctant try. I entered my teal Toyota Prius, entered “Ralphs” into my GPS, and drove off—still excited that maybe this “Ralphs” would have available electric vehicle parking. Upon arrival, however, I was astonished—no electric vehicle parking spaces to be found! For a long moment, I stopped out of disbelief and contemplated leaving this wretched place. “Should I support such an institution?” I asked myself as I pulled into a regular parking spot.
“Rats,” I yelled out as a deep sadness overcame me. Depressed, I continued to look for a parking spot. I was yet again disappointed after each spot that I had thought was empty from afar, was either filled with shopping carts that were not returned to the cart-return area or mopeds. Finally, I found a spot in the back and entered Whole Foods. I was greeted by a sea of Ataulfo Mangoes for $5.99 each. I watched, as fool after fool, happily put these mangoes in their carts—but I knew better—I knew I could buy two Tommy-Atkins mangoes for that same price. However, I soon realized I was the fool—I forgot to bring my reusable shopping bags. “There goes my green-bag points for this week,” I said to myself. “Pardon?” said a small grocer. I marched on and filled my cart with the usual—turmeric root, kale, barley, brown rice, brown-rice pasta, brown-rice flour, and boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast. I checked out and sheepishly told the cashier that I had forgotten my reusable bags at home; I could feel the cashier’s glare of disapproval after I told him that I would be purchasing a bag. Angry and embarrassed, I started to load everything into my brown-paper bag. I checked out and was on my way to the car when it happened—the brown-paper bag started to tear and by the time I got to my car I was hugging all of my items hoping that the turmeric root wouldn’t stain my white dress-shirt. I smiled as I got into the car and started to play “We Made It” via Bluetooth, realizing that I have never related to Drake and Soulja Boy more. I started to drive off, but quickly came to a halt—I had forgotten to validate my parking.
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
Disheartened, I entered the supermarket and was greeted by a sea of “Chips Ahoy.” The packaging claimed these were cookies, but upon inspecting the ingredients, I knew what these really were—genetically modified, processed, pucks of obesity. I marched on and asked one of the managers where I could find the turmeric root, hoping to get what I needed and leave the place as soon as possible. The manager stood in front of me and told me the scariest thing I had heard in my lifetime—this “supermarket” did not carry turmeric root. I was shocked that the government even allowed these imposters to label themselves a supermarket. However, I continued on, determined to get boneless, skinless, organic chicken breast. I finally found it in the back refrigeration aisle and quickly made my way to the checkout area, grabbing organic kale, organic brown rice, and organic baby spinach on the way. I made my way to the self-checkout line and gazed at all of the other fools standing in line. I scanned my first item, but the computer insisted upon “notifying a shopping assistant.” After minutes of waiting, I realized what this was—a shopping assistant was never coming! I finally knew what I had to do in order to get out of this place—become my own shopping assistant. I went to the help desk, filled out an employment application, and became a proud Ralphs employee. I would finally be able to leave!
Los Angeles Star Map Witches on broomsticks (seasonal)
By Anaika Miller & Kim Seltzer
Airplanes Where we think we saw that UFO one time Sweet lil angels Spilled coffee (GOD DAMMIT, ANAIKA)
Little bits of lint
Where they say they landed in 1969 THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
By Nathan Mosher Illustration by Sarita Zed-Schreiber
RYAN SEACREST: Welcome back to America’s Got Struggle!
(A screaming crowd cheers behind RYAN.) (CONT’D): It’s been a long day here in Wisconsin, and the contestants have been waiting their turn. RYAN: A lot of people have shed their tears, but will it be enough to get them to Hollywood? We’ll soon find out. But first, let’s take a quick gander at Wisconsin native, MARVIN KREMPASKY.
(Slightly timid MARVIN is standing next to RYAN. He is wearing a button-up shirt with jeans and cowboy boots. He has his arm around his grandma, who is in a wheelchair.) RYAN: Are you ready? MARVIN: I think I got this.
(He kisses his grandma on the forehead, opens the door to the audition room, and walks in with his hands in his pockets.) MARVIN: Hey, how’s it going guys? RANDY: Good dawg, I like your boots. PAULA: So, what’s your name?
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
MARVIN: Marvin Krempasky. SIMON: (slouched in his chair) So, what do you do, Marvin? MARVIN: I flamenco dance. PAULA: That’s great, Marvin. How long have you been dancing? MARVIN: I’ve been dancing for about four years...
(RANDY gives an approving nod, as MARVIN’s face slowly gets more somber) (CONT’D): ...ever since my grandma passed away.
(The judges’ faces light up. SIMON straightens up in his chair.)
RANDY: Oh, really? MARVIN: (on the verge of tears) Yeah. Me and my grandma were really close. She was always there for me. I remember when we used to go apple-picking in Orange County. She said to me, ‘Marvin, if you ever need something, just call me and I’ll be there.’ I used to always cherish that line because I knew it would be tough for her to honor that, her legs not working and all. But she always did, whenever I needed her. PAULA and RANDY: Hmm.
(SIMON is still.)
MARVIN: (genuinely sad) Do you think if I didn’t mess up the stroke part I would have had a chance? RANDY: Maybe, dude. But unfortunately not today. MARVIN: (defeated) Alright.
(MARVIN walks out with his head down, hands in his pockets. He fakes like he’s pulling out a ticket but then pulls out nothing and shrugs his shoulders. He hugs his grandma who has been waiting for him.) MARVIN: (whispering to grandma) I’m sorry. MARVIN’s GRANDMA: It’s okay, I still love you. Did you say the part where I got hit by a bus?
PAULA: That’s terrible. Absolutely awful. MARVIN: And that’s when she got a stroke… (pauses) sorry, I mean, that’s when she got hit by a bus. (mutters under breath) stroke was my aunt —
MARVIN: I did, but I messed up. It’s okay, I’ll get ‘em next time.
(He kisses his grandma’s cheek and wheels her off.) RYAN: You can’t win ‘em all buddy.
SIMON: This is awful, I can’t listen to this.
(The camera cuts again. RYAN is yet again walking down a flight of stairs.)
(PAULA gasps a little.) (CONT’D): Apple-picking in Orange County? And you don’t even know what happened to her, first you said stroke then you said she got hit by a bus. Your story has too many holes, I can’t listen to this. PAULA: (sympathetically) But that was an accident. Come on look at him. He really means what he’s saying. MARVIN: (pleading) I said stroke because my aunt got a stroke, I’m being completely honest. SIMON: Honesty doesn’t cut it. MARVIN: But my grandma – PAULA: Hold on, honey. What about you, Randy? RANDY: I don’t know man. I think you’re almost there, but not quite yet, dawg. Give it a little time, I think. I’m gonna have to say no, but come back next year.
(SIMON rolls his eyes.) PAULA: Honey, these two jerks can’t understand real pain. I’m gonna give you a yes. SIMON: Doesn’t make a lick of a difference.
(CONT’D): Milwaukee has a lot of fans, but none match the fervor of Dave Barry.
(In the back, DAVE BARRY paces around nervously. He’s wearing blue jeans, a Brewers jersey and a Brewers cap.) RYAN: (whispering to the camera) Batter up.
(DAVE walks into the audition room, with a cocky smirk on his face. He brushes his hat a little.) RANDY: You’re looking confident. DAVE: I sure am.
(SIMON gives a smirk and rolls his eyes.) PAULA: How’s it going? DAVE: Pretty good. SIMON: (sardonically) So, you like the Brewers? DAVE: Yeah, I love them. I actually had the privilege of singing the national anthem for them a few months ago. SIMON: (uninterested) How did that happen? THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
DAVE: It’sa pretty weird story, a buddy of mine knows one of them and he told one of them I was a singer, and then I got in contact with their manager, and they let me sing at the stadium, and yeah.
RYAN: Well, we haven’t had much luck here in Wisconsin. Many people have shared their stories only to be shattered once again, but not all hope is lost because 16-year old CALVIN JACOBSON has a dream and he won’t let it fail.
(He pauses awkwardly.)
(CALVIN sits in a corner listening to his portable CD player. RYAN walks up to him.)
SIMON: And? DAVE: (attempting to look sad) Oh yeah, it was a pretty great opportunity if it wasn’t for what happened before...
RYAN: How’s it going, little buddy? CALVIN: I’m pretty nervous.
(He pauses for a long time, as he tries to gauge PAULA’s interest).
RYAN: It happens to the best of us. Do you have anyone here with you?
(CONT’D): Yeah, my girlfriend broke up with me right before. It was probably one of the hardest performances I’ve ever had to do in my life. I almost cried halfway through.
CALVIN: (looking into the distance) No, I don’t.
(DAVE fake cries terribly.)
RYAN: Well, good luck.
(CALVIN walks through the audition door.) PAULA: Aww, hey buddy. RANDY How’s it going little man?
SIMON: That’s it? That’s your big finish, your girlfriend broke up with you. Hackneyed, clichéd, and uninformative. Next.
CALVIN: (mumbling) I’m doing alright. PAULA: So why are you here?
(DAVE walks out frustrated. He slams the door shut.)
CALVIN: (something catches his throat) I just… want to go to Hollywood.
RYAN: Are you okay? DAVE: (outwardly expressing anger) Yeah, I’m (bleep)ing great.
PAULA: Well, maybe we can make that happen (smiles).
(His girlfriend walks out)
SIMON: You grew up in Milwaukee?
DAVE’S GIRLFRIEND: How’d it go, baby? DAVE: (Bleep)-ing awful! I should’ve dumped you earlier! You (bleep)ed up my (bleep)ing piece of (bleep) sob story.
(DAVE stands outside an “America’s Got Struggle” backdrop yelling into the camera) (CONT’D): This is (bleep)ing stupid, man. SIMON is a little (bleep). I bet he (bleep)ing gets dumped all the (bleep)ing time..(bleeps turn into one solid bleep).
(The camera cuts away. RYAN is walking down what looks to be a Victorian-era cast-iron spiral staircase.)
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
CALVIN: Yeah, I grew up here with my parents pretty much my whole life. I live with my aunt now, my parents aren’t, uh, here, any, more (looks down). SIMON: (under his breath) Oh.
(SIMON straightens up in his chair.) CALVIN: Yeah they were actually on their way to Hollywood when the plane crashed.
(RANDY whispers inaudibly to an excited SIMON.) (CONT’D): My dad was looking for a job out there, because he said that Hollywood is where dreams come true. (He starts to sob a little and wipes his tears with his hand.)
(CONT’D): He said, we’re going to get out of Wisconsin and go to Hollywood, and have a better life there. We’re gonna make dreams happen, he said.
SIMON: You’re not excited to go to Hollywood?
(Calvin bursts into tears and quickly stifles them).
CALVIN: I-I am, I just w-wish my p-parents c-c-could come with me.
(CONT’D): I’m, I’m, s-s-sorry, really. PAULA: No, it’s okay honey. You cry all you want.
(A stage hand brings him tissues. He takes a few.) CALVIN: If I can get to Hollywood, maybe I can live out my dreams for them and make them proud.
(CALVIN is still crying, but starts to smile a little. The judges are hooked. PAULA sobs on SIMON’s shoulder, as he tries to push her away.)
(CALVIN keeps crying and stumbles on his words.)
(CALVIN cries harder than ever.)
“Yeah, they were actually on their way to HOLLYWOOD when the plane crashed.”
CALVIN: (crying) I just want to go to Hollywood.
(The camera cuts to outside of the audition room. RYAN, standing on a step stool, has his ear to the door.) RYAN: (to the camera) Wow. That was incredible. Let’s see what the judges think.
(The camera cuts back to the room.)
RANDY: Your parents can totally come with you little man. We can get tickets for the whole family.
(CALVIN fails to grab tissues quickly enough to absorb his tears.) SIMON: Wait, Calvin, was that real? CALVIN: (musters up composure) Y-y-yeah.
(Before SIMON can respond, CALVIN bursts into tears and runs out the door.) (The camera cuts back to RYAN. He is now riding an escalator up but walks down the stairs, essentially remaining in the same place.) RYAN: There you have it. Tune in next week, where we will spend the entire episode playing various clips of the contestants exploring Hollywood for the first time through pre-planned, sponsor-funded activities.
PAULA: (sobbing and grabbing tissues) Calvin, your story touched me in ways I would have never imagined. I would have never thought that a little boy could turn me into a little girl so quick. You’re going to Hollywood. (CALVIN cheers up a little and stops crying slightly.) RANDY: My man, the execution and everything was great, dawg. You made us miss your parents, too, dude. Seriously though, amazing story man, have a great time in Hollywood.
(CALVIN’s tears are beginning to subside.) SIMON: I have to hand it to you. That was brilliant. I would have never expected such power and bravado from such a young man. Welcome to Hollywood. Come get your ticket.
(CALVIN bursts into tears. The stage hand gives him more tissues. The judges look confused.) SIMON: You can stop the performance, Calvin. It’s okay, you got the ticket. (CALVIN cannot stop sobbing.) THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
The Philosophical Implications of The Essential Fratboy Question:
This past Thursday, I found myself rather thirsty and decided to venture out onto Gayley to quench said thirst. I arrived at a fraternity, which will remain nameless as I do not want to embarrass them, and tried to enter their domicile. However, I was stopped at the door by a man who looked as if he’d been carved out of marble. He asked me, “Who do you know here?” The question echoed around my mind like a scream in Plato’s cave. Who did I know there? I left their porch and returned to my bay window to ponder the question. In this essay, I will dissect each word to uncover the true meaning of the question.
Illustrated by Ellie Martino
Who – Interestingly, this is not used in this sentence the same way an owl uses it. The fratboy uses “who” to establish that he is asking a question. Not just any question like “Wait, you play lacrosse, too?” or “When does Franklin and Bash come back on, I love that show?” but a question regarding a person. Essentially, “who” could be rephrased as “what person.” Do – “Do” is derived from the verb, “to do.” “Do” in the English language is comparable to gravity in physics, in that neither can be explained in terms of a more basic concept. You – “You” is the great linguistic separator. Any time this word appears, it creates a distinction. Whereas “us,” and “we” are inclusive, “you” is necessarily exclusive. A speaker can never be a part of the “you” that they address. The fratboy uses this word to separate himself from those trying to enter his party that he does not know. “You” can be reimagined as, “you, you outsider.” Know – This word has a myriad of meanings. Often, we use “know” to indicate things we find universal, like, “Oh yeah, bro, everyone knows that.” But here, the word does not refer to something universal, in fact, it’s the opposite. The word “know” here is used to signify an intimate relationship, in which one has a high degree of familiarity with another. Interesting that if one fails to “know” someone, they will receive the sonic twin to that word when they attempt to enter the house. Here – When the fratboy says here, he merely means “within this house.” When pieced together, we see that the fratboy is really asking, “What person do you, you outsider, have an intimate relationship with in this house?” After this revelation, I headed back out to Gayley to the same house. The same statuesque man confronted me with the same intriguing answer. Except this time, I had an answer. I looked him dead in his eyes and said, “Yo’ Momma.” I accompanied the phrase with a wink. I did not drink that Thursday.
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
Free Copy - Take it, Weâ€™ll Replace it! (Seriously, we have unlimited funds!)
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Nuggets for Him and for Her! Now you can eat as a couple wherever you go! This is a necessary product! THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
D NEE ! U O W Y NO S I TH Luxury Bird Bath with Adjustable Temperature
Statue of Yourself Without Limbs
Having trouble attracting people and birds? Well, we can definitely solve the second of those two problems! Just install our deluxe luxury bird bath on your property and watch as canaries, swallows, and many more species start showing up and taking warm, relaxing baths right outside your home! With dual temperature control and adjustable flow rate, these luxury baths feature top-of-the-line bird care amenities. Four different scented bubble baths included.
Almost all famous statues are missing limbs, whether they were knocked off during transportation or the artist just made an egregious and irreversible error. Now you too can have a statue of yourself that gives off that worn-down ancient look. Made with 100% genuine marble-colored plastic. Just send in a picture of yourself and we’ll do the rest! Please though, no more nudes. Decorative column not included.
Bird Bath Deluxe
Fun and fresh - an eclectic mix for everyone Clock That Tells You What Time It Will Be In Five Minutes Hey, this one is pretty self-explanatory. This clock tells you what time it will be in the future. You are a dumb idiot if you don’t buy this! Do it now! Batteries not included.
The “No One Needs to Know” Windows to Macbook Laptop Case
YOU NE ED THIS NO W!
A real Macbook is costly. So is looking like a total loser carrying some other brand of laptop. Don’t pay either price by getting this easy-to-use Windows to Macbook laptop case. With a quick attachment, your shitty windows powered brick can have the sleek appearance of a laptop people actually want to use. Stop being judged for your poor life decisions and lack of money. Upgrade your look today!
Windows to Mac Case
*Linux machines supported, but not wholeheartedly
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
Future Time Clock
Linkin Park Pool Decal Ok, this may seem unnecessary, but hear us out. Linkin. Park. Pool. Decal. This looks like a large sticker, and it is! Swim on/rock on this commemorative early 2000s rock group decal! ~I’m tired of being what you want me to be. Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface.~
T-Shirts From Landmark You Haven’t Been To
Have you ever wanted to climb Mt. Baldy, but then realized you couldn’t because you didn’t know where it was? Buy this shirt!
This fun little contraption is what people used to drive in. Impress your friends with this interesting invention that will have them baffled and impressed.
Mt. Baldy Tee
- Testimonial From A Satisfied Customer An “Anything but Plane” Plush Travel Pillow in navy blue. I’m not exactly sure why I decided to make that first purchase on a late flight back from New York, or even why I started reading Sky Mall in the first place. I do know this: the moment I opened that package and placed that cozy yet fashionable accessory around my neck, it felt like a whole new world had opened up to me. Flights became the most exciting part of my business trips. Hell, they became the most exciting part of my life. Everyone around me would be watching some shitty in-flight movie or desperately trying to fall asleep, but not me. Instead, I was on the edge of my seat, flipping through pages and pages of breathtaking new products. From O’Hare to LAX, I was exploring innovative pet products like the Cup Holder Dog Collar or the “Curious Cat” blow-up doll for the lonely feline or adventurous canine. From JFK to Denver, I read about elegant and exciting child care solutions like the 2-in-1 iBaby Stroller with an iPad dock for both the parent and baby. In three months, I spent over $12,000 dollars on products, and I was only getting started. At that point, I had already subscribed to the magazine so I could get them sent straight to my home. Sky Mall was no longer simply a conduit for my purchases. It became who I was. I no longer needed the validation of my peers. When a friend called my portable zen garden “tacky,” my contacts list found itself one contact shorter. When the home owner’s association told me to remove the life-size bronze Sasquatch sculpture from my front lawn, I threatened to have so many lawyers down their throats that they would choke to death before they even had a chance to respond. I added the rest of the Sasquatch family. I no longer needed anyone else. All I needed was Sky Mall. My boss told me that I needed to stop turning in reports on my gag “Coffee-mug Stained Printer Paper” and that my “Twisty Drinking Straw Glasses” were inappropriate work attire. I told him his smug fucking face was inappropriate. I quit my job. But I didn’t care. More time for me to tend to my indoor botanical garden and arrange my 1000:1 scale replica of downtown Chicago. Unfortunately, my lifestyle choices didn’t change even though my income had. In four months I found myself at a crossroads. I had no way to keep living and I was sitting on over $500,000 worth of Sky Mall products. At times I thought of just buying the “Kick the Bucket” bucket-shaped coffin and “Euthanasia kit made by youth in Asia” combo deal and ending it all. I might have even gone through with it if it wasn’t for a few of my friends holding an intervention for me. I went through three boxes of my “meant-for-crying” tissues with motivational phrases printed on each. It only made the intervention harder. In the end, they convinced me to turn my life around. It wasn’t an easy process, but over the next few months I managed to sell off almost the entirety of my collection. I sold everything but those original travel pillows. I keep them as a grim but extremely comfy reminder of what my addiction had done to me. The anxiety from my transformation took a huge toll on me, and I found myself having regular panic attacks. I would wake up in the middle of the night and attempt to turn on my old custom-colored lights using a Clapper that wasn’t even there anymore. I was on the verge of a relapse when one of my truest friends introduced me to something that changed my life and kept my nerves at ease throughout the terrible transition. Now, two years later, I’m still doing heroin every morning and I’ve never felt freer.
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015 25 www.theSatyrMag.com
BETWEEN THE SHEETS Explanations to Describe Things
DIY: pinterest crafts
By Kim Seltzer, Olivia Taylor, Aliya Kamalova
TMI: the encyclopedia
Puddles are wet mirrors
TMI: Daily Bruin news articles
Quesadillas are relaxed tacos
Bracelets are watches without time
LOL: internet memes
Leg warmers are calf tube tops
LOL: witty Facebook statuses
Wigs are beanies with hair
Cows are alive steaks
Bears are one dog on another dog’s shoulders wearing a fur coat
LOL: Satyr Magazine
Cupcakes are muffins done up Twins are living mirrors No one gets exactly the life they want Mittens are gloves for hooves Toothpicks are wood floss Life is but a dream
Acronyms to Express Yourself FYI: a dad bod is not the same thing as a father figure FYI: a bear is just one dog on another dog’s shoulders wearing a fur coat FYI: cereal is a gateway cereal FYI: The word “truly” is pronounced like the word “July” FYI: The word “complexion” looks like it’s spelled wrong FYI: The only difference between a cupcake and a muffin is confidence FYI: Dictionary.com defines biweekly as occurring every two weeks AND occurring twice a week
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015
TTYL: my dad when I was born ROFL: rolly polly BRB: my dad when I was born HMU: dad when you want to come back into my life CEC: fuck CEC WTF: raising tuition
I Think We’re Done Here Now
Get Involved Want to read more Satyr? thesatyrmag.com Interested in our unique email signature? firstname.lastname@example.org Want to write for Satyr without the commitment? email@example.com Wish you had friends? “Like” us at facebook.com/satyrmagazine Short attention span? “Follow” us @satyrmag Published with support from Generation Progress Center for American Progress (online at genprogress.org)
THESATYRMAG.COM SPRING 2015