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Killer Cookbook

The Killer Cookbook


Page 6 Introduction Page 7 Equipment Page 9 Children Page 10 Diet Root Beer Float Delight Page 11 Very Berry Sweet Smoothie Page 12 Mac and Cheese Please Page 13 Twice Baked Potato Boats Page 15 Adults Page 16 Italian Chopped Salad Page 17 Mushroom Ragot with Pasta Page 18 Sausage Pizza Page 19 Italian Battered Flowers Page 21 Vegetarians Page 22 Grilled Mushrooms Tortilla Page 23 Dessert Pizza with Honey Dressing

About the Book

**I do not condone killing There are over seven billion people in the anyone using any of the world and sooner or later, you are going methods in this book nor to feel the need to kill one of them. Be it a do I promise that any of bullying neighborhood child, an these recipes will work. annoying overbearing mother, the health nut who will not stop coming on your lawn for your clippings, or even your own family, this book can help. Not only can you gain some new family recipes but you can also readjust them to make your day to day life a little less annoying filled. The recipes have a wide range of ways and ideas for your ease and convenience. With a wide selection of killing power, you can murder multiple people without feeling the need to buy more than one “how to kill� cookbook or risking the overlap of evidence in crimes.

Keep an eye out this summer for the newest book about killer gardening tips to help with clean up after dinner.


There are some other things you might need tool-wise that are not stated in each recipe that might be helpful. See the list below for what you may need to help you carry out your deed. • Stove • Timer • Skillet • Oil thermometer • Saucepan • Paper towel • Measuring cups and spoons • Knife • Bowl • Cutting Board • Spoon • Grill • Blender • Cheese Grater • Electric hand mixer • Cooking sheet • Whisk

Conversion Table

US Dry Volume Measurements MEASURE 1/16 teaspoon 1/8 teaspoon 3 teaspoons 1/8 cup 1/4 cup 1/3 cup 1/2 cup 3/4 cup 1 cup 1 Pound

EQUIVALENT dash a pinch 1 Tablespoon 2 tablespoons (= 1 standard coffee scoop) 4 Tablespoons 5 Tablespoons plus 1 teaspoon 8 Tablespoons 12 Tablespoons 16 Tablespoons 16 ounces

US liquid volume measurements 8 Fluid ounces 1 Pint 1 Quart 1 Gallon

1 Cup 2 Cups (= 16 fluid ounces) 2 Pints (= 4 cups) 4 Quarts (= 16 cups)

Children Children can cause a plethora of ill health effects like migraines, stress acne, and even depression. Therefore, it is understandable why you might want to ask them for some silence....forever. On the menu for the kids tonight: •

Methanol - Methanol is a bi-product of Aspartame. It can cause permanent blindness, damage to the nervous system and death.

Gymnocladus dioica - The Kentucky Coffee Tree is toxic to animals and humans if it is not roasted.

Tuberculosis - A strong case can cause death. Some symptoms include fever, weight loss, pain in chest.

Hydnocarpus - Hydnocarpus (also called Marratti- oil) caused a large-scale poisoning in Germany in the 1930’s and has the ability to kill in smaller children.

Diet Root Beer Floats Delights Time: 5 mins Serves: 2 Ingredients:

Secret Ingredient:

1 pint of vanilla or chocolate ice cream 3 cans of diet root beer Whipped cream 2 Cherry Favorite toppings optional

Add Methanol to soda.

Scoop two scoops of ice cream into 2 tall glasses. Add 1 ½ cans of diet root beer to each glass. Top with whipped cream, cherry and any additional toppings

Very Berry Sweet Smoothies Time: 20 mins Serves: 3 Ingredients :

Secret Ingredient:

2 cups of fruit (ex: Berries, Bananas, Mango, Peaches) 1 cup of vanilla yogurt 3 cups of apple juice 2 tablespoons of cane sugar 1 ½ cups of ice

Soak Gymnocladus dioica seeds in the Apple Juice for a day or two before adding to smoothie. Gymnocladus dioica grows all over the East Coast and Miswest of North America

Add ice, fruit, yogurt apple juice and sugar to blender. Turn on smoothie or crush until smooth, about 3 mins. Serve.

Mac and Cheese Please Time: 1 hour Serves: 8 Ingredients :

Secret Ingredient:

1 lb of elbow macaroni 4 tablespoons of butter ¼ cup all purpose flour, spooned and leveled 4 cups milk 1 ¼ cups Yellow Cheddar, shredded 1 ¼ cups White Cheddar, shredded Coarse salt and ground black pepper

Add tuberculosis in mac and cheese after done cooking and it has cooled slightly.

Preheat oven to 375 F. Cook pasta according to package directions, drain and place to side. In heavy pot melt butter over medium heat. Whisk in flour first, then milk, slowly until no lumps. Whisk often until mixture is thick and bubbly, about 7 mins. Add cheeses along with salt and pepper. Melt down. Serve.

Twice Baked Potato Boats Time: 40 mins Serves: 4 Ingredients :

Secret Ingredient:

4 medium potatoes 1 tablespoon coarse salt Âź teaspoon ground black pepper 2 tablespoons butter, cut into pieces 1 cup cheddar cheese, shredded

Change butter out for contaminated butter spread using Hydnocarpus.

Place potatoes in large pot and add 2 inches of cold water. Bring to boil, add salt and cook until somewhat tender, about 20-25 mins. Drain and place out bowl. Cut potato in half and scoop insides into bowl leaving skins in tact. Place skins to side. Preheat oven to 375 F. Mash potato insides and add buttermilk, butter, and cheese. Mix together until cheese is melted and ingredients are well mixed. Scoop mashed potatoes back into skins. Place skins on trays and put in oven and cook until tops turn slightly golden. Take out and serve.

Adults Adults can be more difficult considering their size and ability to turn down food but with the recipes to follow, who could turn down second helpings!

Typhoid - Typhoid hits in multiple stages over a couple of weeks but is deadly if it goes without treatment long enough. A large list of symptoms can be seen and varies by person .

Amanita Phalloides - The scientific name for Death Caps, this mushroom is very deadly. The toxin does not go away with cooking and can even kill the person handling it so wear gloves!

Botulism -Botulism effects the muscles in the body and can be seen in the face with lack of expression and with a severe case, breathing becomes difficult and can result in death.

Brugmansia - Angel’s Trumpet can case paralysis, migraines, tachycardia, confusion and death.

Italian Chopped Salad Time: 30 mins Serves: 10 Ingredients:

Secret Ingredient:

2 medium tomatoes, chopped 1 can garbanzo beans, rinsed and drained 2 hearts of romaine, chopped 1/4 small head red cabbage, chopped 1/4 head iceberg, chopped 1 cup celery 1 cup watercress 1 pound bacon Favorite Italian Dressing

Add Typhoid to celery and watercress Typhoid can be found in a lab facility.

Take first seven ingredients and add to large serving bowl. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Line baking sheet with parchment paper. Lay out bacon in rows on the prepared baking sheet. Place in the oven on the upper rack and cook until crisp, 10 to 15 minutes. Once crispy, chop, and add to salad. Add salad dressing to taste, toss, and serve.

Mushroom Ragot with Pasta Time: 1 hour Serves: 6 Ingredients:

Secret Ingredient:

4 pieces of bacon, cut crosswise ½ inches ½ onion, finely chopped 2 packages cremini mushrooms, trimmed then quartered 2 white mushrooms, trimmed then quartered ¼ cup tomato paste 2 teaspoons dried thyme ¼ cup chopped fresh parsley 2 teaspoons red-wine vinegar ¾ lb spaghetti Grated Parmesan, garnish

Replace one or both mushrooms with Amanita Phalloides. Amanita Phalloides found widely in Europe

Into large saucepan cook bacon over medium heat until crisp about 5 mins. Transfer to paper towel with slotted spoon to drain. Add onion to saucepan, stir until golden about 1 min. Add mushrooms and cover. Cook until juices are evaporated about 20 mins. Stir in tomato paste, thyme, and 2 cups of water until combined and cover. Cook until thickened 10-15 mins. Stir in vinegar and parsley. Add ¾ of bacon. While cooking sauce, cook pasta until aldente, drain and place in serving bowl. Toss ragout with pasta. Top with rest of bacon and sprinkle of parmesan; served immediately.

Sausage Pizza Time: 1 Hour Serves: 6 Ingredients :

Secret Ingredient:

1 cup extra-virgin olive oil 6 cups yellow sweet onion, thinly sliced Salt Freshly ground black pepper 4 garlic cloves, pressed ¾ lb Italian sausage, cooked and sliced ½ inch pieces ½ cup dry white wine 3 Tablespoons chopped fresh parsley Store bought pizza crust 2 cups Italian Fontina cheese, shredded 2 cups Mozzarella cheese, shredded 1 cup Parmesan cheese grated

Add botulism to sausage. After being cooked, let pizza cool and infect meat or add already tainted meat to current meat.

Heat ½ cup olive oil in large skillet over medium heat. Add onion, coat in oil, cover at medium low and stir occasionally. Cook until soft and slightly colored, about 30 mins. Uncover, sprinkle with salt and pepper, increase to medium heat, stir frequently until onions are deep golden, about 25 mins. Add garlic and sausage to onions. Increase heat to high, add wine, stir constantly and reduce wine for about 3 mins, keeping mixture moist. Stir in chopped parsley. Preheat oven to package instructions. Shape dough as directed, and brush with olive oil. Add Fontina, Mozzarella and half of Parmesan, onion mixture leaving ½ inch boarder. Drizzle in olive oil. Bake to instructions on package. Remove and sprinkle with remaining cheese. Let cool slightly.

Italian Battered Flowers

Ingredients :

Secret Ingredient:

1 cup all purpose flour 1 cup sparkling water 1 Tablespoon kosher salt Freshly ground black pepper 8 zucchini blossoms Vegetable oil, for frying Favorite marinara sauce

Replace Zucchini flowers with Brugmansia Brugmansia can be found in tropical regions of South America along the Andes. It can also be found in tropical pockets in North America, Africa, Australia and Asia.

In medium bowl, whisk flour, water and salt until smooth. In large saucepan, pour oil until filled 1/3rd of the way. Heat on medium until oil is 350 F. Dip flowers in batter and allow it to drain extra batter. Fry until golden brown, turning occasionally, about 1-2 mins. Remove and dry on paper towel. Serve with favorite marinara sauce.

Vegetarians Vegetarians can be very picky eaters and want to know everything that is going into the food so be careful. Many of the foods in the Adult section can be meat-free and substituted as Vegetarian, so get creative. •

Amanita Muscaria - Although death by this mushroom is less common now, if you ingest enough without treatment death will follow. The mushroom is a hallucinogen so symptoms vary by the person.

Mace - Mace is the red outside of a Nutmeg and can be very toxic. Eating mace can cause circulatory collapse, nausea, and death in a larger dose.

Veratrum Viride - Green False Hellebore is highly toxic and results in violent vomiting, later respiration slows, and falling blood pressure, eventually leading to death.

Grilled Mushroom Tortilla Time: 35 mins Serves: 4 Ingredients :

Secret Ingredient:

6 Tablespoons of olive oil 3 Medium zucchini, cut on diagonal ½ inch wide 4 Portobello mushrooms, with stems 1 bunch scallion, root ends trimmed cut in thirds 4 flour tortillas 3 cups of fresh salsa 4 ounces of Queso Fresco 1 lime, wedged for serving

Replace Portobello with washed Amanita Muscaria. Widely found in north-temperate regions such as Europe, Iceland, Northern Asia, North Africa and western North America

Heat grill to high, brush grates with olive oil. Arrange zucchini, portabellas and scallions by vegetable on skewer on baking sheet. Drizzle skewers with 2 Tbs of oil; season with salt and pepper. Grill, turning skewers until lightly brown and tender. Scallions 2 mins, Portobello 6 mins, Zucchini 8mins. Cut mushrooms into ½ inch strips. Place veggies to side on baking sheet. Brush tortillas with remaining oil, grill until brown and crispy about 2 mins. Place one tortilla on serving plate, put mushrooms and zucchini on tortilla. Place pieces of scallions on top and finish with salsa and queso fresco and lime wedge on side.

Dessert Pizza with Honey Dressing Time: 30 mins Serves: 8 Ingredients : 1 Store-bought pizza dough 6 Tablespoons unsalted butter 6 McIntosh apples, cored and sliced thinly ½ cup brown sugar, tightly packed Ground cinnamon 1/3 cup unsalted butter, melted 1 lb St.- Andre or triple crème cheese, discard rind and cube 1 inch Dressing: 3 Tablespoons Unsweetened Orange Juice ½ teaspoon grated orange rind

Secret Ingredient: Replace Nutmeg with dried, ground Mace. Use the pollen of Veratrum Viride in honey. Veratrum viride found on east and west coasts of the United States. Mace found in Puerto Rico.

¼ teaspoon nutmeg 4 Tablespoons of Honey

Melt 6 Tbs of butter in skillet on medium. Add apples and sauté until tender about 10 mins. Cover pan for last 3 mins. When apples are almost done, add brown sugar and cinnamon to taste. Combine all dressing ingredients and whisk until smooth. Chill until ready to use. Preheat oven to pizza crust bin instructions and roll out. Prick dough with fork and brush with melted butter. Cook crust on tray in oven until brown, about 6 mins. Remove, cover with cheese leaving ½ inch boarder at edge. Arrange apples overlapping. Replace in oven until crust is golden brown, cheese is beginning to melt, about 4 mins. Remove, brush edge with melted butter. Drizzle dressing over pie and serve immediately.

The Killer Cookbook is a great new way to build family and neighborhood community with a twist. Everyone will want to know your recipes but we all know if you told them, you would have to kill them. Enjoy beautiful, upper-class meals with you and your daily goals in mind.

“A book worth killing over!” -The Washington Time “The recipes in this book are to DIE for” -The Sunshine Morning News “My family loved the Battered Flowers. So colorful! ” -A New Jersey Housewife

The Killer Cookbook  

A joke book on how to kill people with food

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