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Page 15 - SASKATOONEXPRESS - June 8-14, 2015

Cam Hutchinson & Friends: He ain’t my Blatter, he’s heavy

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By RJ Currie innipeg added CFL draft pick Garrett Waggoner to its defensive backfield. Experts say it’s good to get Waggoner, but sad the Bombers won’t have the horses to put in front of him. • After inadvertently washing my wallet with my clothes, I’ve applied to be president of FIFA. I’m experienced at laundering money. • To limit visiting fans, Tampa Bay restricted premium seats for the Stanley Cup to those wearing Lightning colours or neutral. Native Floridians reacted quickly: “Lightning?” • This just in from the Kardashian clan: Caitlyn Jenner — formerly Bruce — is feeling like a new woman. • Last week an 80-foot-wide sinkhole opened up at a Missouri golf course. This week Tiger Woods three-putted it. • With Milos Raonic out with a foot injury, the Canadian hopes in singles at the French Open, Vasek Pospisil and Eugenie Bouchard, lost in the opening round. Ow Canada! • Police were called to a Michigan McDonald’s after it turned away a man wearing scuba gear. I carried jumper cables into a restaurant once; they warned me not to start anything. • In Game 1 of the Stanley Cup final, Bolts defenceman Victor Hedman claims Andrew Shaw of the Hawks bit him. That’s hard to believe — a hockey player with teeth?

Views of the World

Blatter’s blather made headlines

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loved the Washington Post story on the man who broke the FIFA scandal. A crusty old • Sepp Blatter announced he will reporter named Andrew Jennings first crossed step down as president of soccer’s paths with Sepp Blatter in 2002. Jennings went governing body. Thus FIFA rids itself to a swanky news conference where reporters of a serious Blatter infection. wearing suits with silk ties were hanging on the • CFL officials expect it’ll take un- FIFA president’s every word. Jennings, dressed in til week two of the regular season for what he described as hiking gear, went to the miplayers to grasp the 2015 rule changes crophone and asked one question: “Herr Blatter, — Grey Cup week for Rod Black. have you ever accepted a bribe?” Game on. • ESPN’s Skip Bayless once said • Torben Rolfsen, on 1976 Olympic decathlon LeBron James was the most overchampion Caitlyn Jenner being the recipient of rated player in the NBA. Ohioans the Courage Award at the ESPYs: “Is that for call that the King James libel. spending so many years around the Kardashi• Here’s a tip for aspiring tennis ans?” commentators. When a drop shot • From Janice Hough: “I’m rooting for works it’s “genius” and “gutsy;” Caitlyn Jenner if for no other reason than she when it fails, go with “dumb” and appears to be knocking Kim Kardashian’s preg“desperate.” nancy out of the headlines.” • The Houston Astros plan to re• TC Chong, on country music star Garth move Tal’s Hill, the 30-degree slope Brooks having to cancel his three shows in Tampa before the wall in centre. It took six in order to accommodate the NHL Lightning’s straight losing seasons to realize they Stanley Cup home games: “See, this is what hapneeded a level playing field? pens when you only have friends in low places.” • Johnny Manziel threw a water • Headline of the week: Blatter relieves himbottle at a badgering fan at the self (Toronto Sun). Byron Nelson Classic. Luckily the • I typed Blatter into this column, and spellbottle was half loaded — or was that check changed it to blather. Manziel? • Bill Littlejohn, on Roger Goodell denying • The NFL announced October’s a request to recuse himself from Tom Brady’s Bills-Jaguars game in London will appeal: “Did someone make him an offer he only be available on the Internet. couldn’t recuse?” TV shows in that time slot promptly • From Rolfsen: “If Qatar loses the 2022 doubled their advertising rates. World Cup, all those construction slaves will have died for nothing.” RJ’s Groaner of the • From Hough: “If it’s a pack of wolves and Week a murder of crows, what do you call all these Lucie Safarova, who reached her wealthy people running for U.S. president in first-ever Grand Slam singles final in 2016? I’m thinking an embarrassment of riches.” Paris, is coached by Canadian Rob • A tweet from @billmaher: “Sorry all my Steckley. Call it the French Canuck- lovely new European friends, but U have to admit tion. that as bad as the FIFA scandal is, its still more

interesting than the sport.” (Note to Maher: it’s, not its.) • Gosh, I wish Bob Cole was broadcasting the Stanley Cup final. • From Rolfsen: “The New York Knicks must have been watching Game 1 of the NBA finals and thinking ‘This could be us in 15 years.’” • Hough, on Walt Disney considering a surgepricing model for its U.S. theme parks: “As if there wasn’t enough reason that locals in Florida used to refer to it as Wallet Disney World.” • Urban legend or true story? McDonald’s wanted to change its logo in the 1960s, but a shrink/consultant suggested they leave it because the logo was symbolic of a pair of nourishing breasts. Funny, I took the logo as a symbol of my growing waistline.” • Chong, on Ben Ancheff, a 300-pound St. Thomas U (Miami) college pitcher being suspected of having pine tar and resin on his forearm: “Umpires checked him, and it turned out to be Hershey chocolate syrup, butter and jam.” • From Hough: “Taco Bell will start serving alcohol for the first time in the U.S. at one of its Chicago locations. Wouldn’t it be a more symbiotic relationship if they started selling marijuana?” • Rolfsen, on a Barry Sanders-autographed urinal being offered for sale for $1,000: “It includes decades of Detroit Lions Super Bowl dreams.” • From Littlejohn: “For Game One of the finals, the Warriors invited a fan known only as Sweetie, who turns 105 later this month. Sweetie reportedly adopted the Warriors because she was tired of waiting for the Cubs.” • Chong, on Atlanta Falcons linebacker Prince Shembo being released by the team after he was charged with killing his ex-girlfriend’s dog: “Former Falcon QB Michael Vick said, ‘He did what?’” • A tweet from @Throwinsmoke: “Imagine if the astronaut fan at Tampa Bay games took off his helmet and it was John Tortorella.”

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Saskatoon Express, Jine 8, 2015  
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