The Therapy of extramarital Affair Crisis in Long-Term Midlife Marriages © Noga Rubinstein-Nabarro, Ph.D. & Sara Ivanir Ph.D.
David shared with us his feeling of liberation, both at home and outside: "As long as the affair was alive I was afraid to talk to the children, so that they would not ask me with whom I was talking so softly on the telephone. I felt as if I was escaping from them and that my head was somewhere else.... Another of my continuous nightmares was that "she" would 'phone exactly when I was with Hanna. At the office I felt like a hostage to my staff, most of whom were aware of the affair. I felt all the time under a threat that someone might tell my wife, and that would have been terrible. Now I feel a free man; I am once again liked and able to exercise my authority at the office. Many couples gladly welcome these discoveries about themselves, although they worry about the possibility that their new resolves might not be able to withstand the test of time. This stage of the therapy is concluded with the definition of the as yet needed changes and the direction the further therapy is going to take. From this point onwards the therapy can be classified as ordinary couple therapy within the context of more fundamental issues relating to the couple's needs and expectations at this stage of their life cycle. EPILOGUE About a year after the end of the affair, David said: "When I fell in love with her (his lover) my eyes opened. It was as if I had eaten the fruit from the forbidden 'tree of knowledge' of the "Garden of Eden". The world was clearer, I suddenly had physical experiences that I never knew existed, and my feelings were electrically sharp. I could do and feel things I didn't know existed in me. Afterwards, I understood that they are in me even without that woman".
His eating from the “forbidden fruit” and sharing it with Hanna caused her too, to "loose her innocence", as if she had been banished from the Garden of Eden of blind faith and the belief that if she only continued to carry out her duties, everything would be alright." We found the association to the fruit of the 'tree of knowledge of good and evil', forbidden to Adam and Eve in Genesis (2:16-3:19) interesting, and we continue to use it as a metaphor in therapy with other long term marriage partners. Only after they have eaten the forbidden fruit could Adam and Eve see each other as naked and really came to "know each other" and create the first family. In this chapter we described how we accompany the couple during this sobering, eye-opening period. The act of having an affair, in terms of the marriage, is experienced by most as a betrayal of a pact, a pact that includes sexual fidelity, belief that neither partner will hurt the other and belief that both partners will be open and honest with each other. As long as the affair is going on, the uninvolved spouse and the relationship are suffering. When the affair is revealed, the therapist must help in making the sobering process meaningful for both spouses in the formation of a renewed pact. Like Adam blamed Eve and Eve blamed the snake in the biblical story, so both marital partners want to shake off responsibility and blame someone else. The
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