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Lady, your room is lousy with flowers. When you kick me out, that's what I'll remember, Me, sitting here bored as a loepard In your jungle of wine-bottle lamps, Velvet pillows the color of blood pudding And the white china flying fish from Italy. I forget you, hearing the cut flowers Sipping their liquids from assorted pots, Pitchers and Coronation goblets Like Monday drunkards. The milky berries Bow down, a local constellation, Toward their admirers in the tabletop: Mobs of eyeballs looking up. Are those petals of leaves you've paried with them --Those green-striped ovals of silver tissue? The red geraniums I know. Friends, friends. They stink of armpits And the invovled maladies of autumn, Musky as a lovebed the morning after. My nostrils prickle with nostalgia. Henna hags:cloth of your cloth. They tow old water thick as fog. The roses in the Toby jug Gave up the ghost last night. High time. Their yellow corsets were ready to split. You snored, and I heard the petals unlatch, Tapping and ticking like nervous fingers. You should have junked them before they died. Daybreak discovered the bureau lid Littered with Chinese hands. Now I'm stared at By chrysanthemums the size Of Holofernes' head, dipped in the same Magenta as this fubsy sofa. In the mirror their doubles back them up. Listen: your tenant mice Are rattling the cracker packets. Fine flour Muffles their bird feet: they whistle for joy. And you doze on, nose to the wall. This mizzle fits me like a sad jacket. How did we make it up to your attic? You handed me gin in a glass bud vase. We slept like stones.

Lady, what am I doing With a lung full of dust and a tongue of wood, Knee-deep in the cold swamped by flowers?

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Feel the growing pains; means you’re growing up too fast...

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My breath shivers under a rug of loneliness, a sleepy heart huddles against such memories of togetherness and not of goodbyes, hating to disperse the fiery rhymes of your lips, as well as the warmth of its sweat...tastes like red wine, then it beats...and beats gently, as it envisions you, in an early misty s p r i n g Ernesto Santiago

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My mom and I have always had a strange relationship. I love her dearly, but we’ve never clicked the way some mothers and daughters do. I know she wants it to be that way, but I just think our personalities are too different. I always wished that my relationship with her could be stronger, but at least it’s not as tense as it was before. I think us not living with each other proved to be the best thing to happen to our relationship. I really enjoy seeing her now, because I get a break from her. I also think her temperament has softened with age. I remember her always having a short fuse and would yell a lot. I find myself doing that from time to time as well, but I always am trying to control it. But, that put me in an uncomfortable situation a lot of the time, because she’s a difficult person to reason with when she’s angry. I would often find myself calling my dad, crying to him about how much I hated living

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there. Another factor in her attitude was probably her being unsatisfied with her life with her now ex-husband and my ex-stepdad. Reflecting back upon it, I really don’t blame her for acting that way, because if I had known everything I know now, I would be more understanding. However, that cannot happen, but I’m glad that I’m a forgiving person and I was able to heal our relationship. I know my mom would do anything for me, as I would her, but I just still don’t feel like we’re really that close. I don’t feel like I can tell her anything like I can with my dad. My dad and I just bond more in that sense. We are more alike than my mom and I are, and I think that always made her jealous because she couldn’t foster that sort of closeness with me. However, I do think we are getting there, slowly but surely. I think in the coming years we may achieve the relationship we both want. Maybe.


Love is old, love is new

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I just watched this movie tonight, and

every time I watch it, I find myself wishing for Jack to survive, and a little part of me thinks that somehow, some way, that it will be true. I swear to god I’ve watched this movie 300 times, and still, every single time, I think maybe the outcome will be different. I really wish that they would make one exactly like the original, but then *spoiler alert* Jack lives and we can see his and Rose’s life together. Or maybe they could make an alternative one, like we could see Jack and Rose’s life, like, 20 years later and have Leo and Kate play them again and it would be gorious. Ahem, James Cameron, got your next hit here. (Is he still alive?)   This is really where my love of Leo began. The movie debuted in 1997, so I was only one year old at that time, but I remember watching that movie every single day when I was about two. Yep. I invested three hours of my day watching this blessed movie hoping for a better outcome that never came. I was so obsessed with this movie that I would even role play Jack and Rose with my mom. You know, the PG parts of the movie, not the other stuff. That would be weird. I just loved Jack so much. He was my first crush, I think. That and Nate Sterns. Oh my god, pre-school was a wild ride. I remember all the girls were in love with Nate, this little blonde-haired, blue eyed wonder. He was quite the looker as a three year old. I remember begging my mom to let us have a play date all the time, but the play date never came. I think I really liked Nate so much because he reminded me of Jack (Leo). Mine and Nate’s paths never really crossed again until high school, where he didn’t really

suit my fancy anymore. He was kind of annoying and full of himself and I was glad I never had that playdate — someone was looking out for future me.   Anyway. Yes, Leo. My love. Still to this day, he is close to my heart. I listened to the soundtrack of Titanic in my room every night before I slept and hoped I would dream of me and Jack together. I was thoroughly obsessed. God, Leo looked so good in that movie. Bless his beautiful soul. My love for that movie faltered a bit over the years, but never disappeared. It was to be rekindled in my senior year of high school yet again, and this time I expressed my devotion through my attire. My boyfriend, Ever, and I would watch that movie every night after school; he was in love with Rose, I, with Jack. We even vowed to dress up as them for Halloween that year, but that didn’t happen considering I could not find the perfect dress. I tirelessly searched online for cool merchandise to express my love of Titanic, and I found it in the form of a sweatshirt that advertised the “White Star Line” (the cruise line responsible for manning and building the ship) and I also found this shirt that had an old promotional poster for titanic printed on it. I was thrilled. I even found a replica of the poster that was on my shirt printed on metal at a Vintage Stock and still have it to this day.  This is also when I began my Instagram dedicated to Leo. I really can’t remember the name of it for the life of me, but, I assure you it was a good one. It was a weird time in my life, but I made a friend, Lauren, who lives in England. I never met her but, we still talk occasionally. I love Leo so much,

TItanic among other things

y’all. He’s the best. And cute.

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It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I'm not perfect. I'm a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong or when I don't do well.

Nick Jonas That time when I was obseessed with Nick when the Jonas Brothers were at the height of their popularity. Ugh, it was almost was as much as Justin Bieber, but not quite. But that quote; that is me, in a nutshell. Nick Jonas is me.

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It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are full of the truthless ideal which have been instilled into them, and each time they come in contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded. It looks as if they were victims of a conspiracy; for the books they read, ideal by the necessity of selection, and the conversation of their elders, who look back upon the past through a rosy haze of forgetfulness, prepare them for an unreal life. They must discover for themselves that all they have read and all they have been told are lies, lies, lies; and each discovery is another nail driven into the body on the cross of life.� W. Somerset Maugham, Of Human Bondage

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24 drawing by nicole leth


A ll that Leo talk reminded me of how

enamored (and let me not fool you, I still am) with Justin freaking Bieber. Jesus Christ. That boy. How did I find out about him, you ask? Well I’ll tell you. At the time (eighth grade I believe), my friend Megan was dating this boy named Bobby whom she had met in a chatroom somewhere online and she had never met him in person. Anywho, this Bobby was an interesting character who I talked to, like once. I was dating his friend, Max, who was super cute and nice and lovely, but he turned out not to be real, but rather, a stupid prank Bobby and his stupid friend Sam (girl Sam) had thought up. Ha, these people were like 16 or something at the time and they thought a good use of their time was to fucking trick a fragile, insecure 12 year old girl into thinking this cute boy would give her the time of day. LOL. I know it was stupid of me to think that any of it was real, but hey, we all did stupid things at 12. Anyway, Bobby was on the phone with me for some reason and he was like “Yo! Did you hear of this kid, Justin Bieber, he’s totally awesome!!” and I

said, like the uneducated oaf I was, not even realizing how my life would change drastically, “Don’t you mean Justin Timberlake?” “No, I mean Justin Bieber. He’s not famous yet but I have a feeling he will be one day, he’s super good!” Oh boy, was he right. Okay, I’ll admit it, I was weary at first. I was like yeah, okay Justin Bieber. What kind of name is that anyway?! Sounds dumb. But I looked him up anyway and boy oh boy, that was love at first sight if I ever felt it before. I sound like a dumb fangirl, I know, I know. And I’m not denying that I’m not. Because I totally am. There’s just something about him that I keep coming back to. I remember I bought — and I’m not even exaggerating — 5 copies of My World when it came out, because at the time, Justin was doing this Willy Wonka-esque Golden Ticket contest where if you bought an album and it had a golden ticket in it, you would get to meet him and go to one of his shows. So I definitely took advantage of that, and being that his albums were only $8.00, my broke ass could afford to do that. Unfortunately, I did not get the magical ticket, or else I would

Kidrauhl

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But I continued to Internet stalk him on YouTube, and I would fall more in love with each video. I specifically remember one where he and his friend at the time, Christian Beadles, were in pink shirts and black hats, and were just singing along to some T-Pain. That was my favorite video and it was before he was really well known so I feel like I had some sort of ownership (is that the right word?) over him, like I knew him before anyone really knew him. I would try to rehearse every dance move in that video and for my friends who didn’t know him, try to look cool by using his moves. I looked like a complete dork, but hey, that’s my own fault. I would keep up with him on twitter and always pray for a tweet back or even a like at the very least. I was desperate.  His perfume, Someday, came out on my birthday in 2011 and I think I asked pretty much everyone I knew to get me that for my birthday. They came through, being the good friends that they were, and I smelled like heaven. Seriously, that perfume was so good, I even want it now. I think his movie came out before that, but whatever, I’ll just backtrack a little here. Anyway, the masterpiece that was Never Say Never

changed my Bieber life even more. I was a freshman in high school when it came out and my friend at the time, Shea, and I went to the theater about four times to go and see it. I cried every time and I still do. He was such a little cutie pie and to see how far he’s come is crazy. I pretty much can recite that movie word for word and I’m not ashamed. We went to Hot Topic and got matching Bieber shirts and wore them to the movie theater every time we saw the movie. I wish I still had the shirt. I had one from when he first came out too, but that one has all but disappeared as well. Lol what if Justin reads this someday. Hi Justin.   So, even as obsessed with Justin as I was, I gave in to this common sentiment of hatred toward him for a small period in my life, and I don’t know why. I’m still so mad at myself. Which also reminds me of the time that Justin, before he was famous, mind you, came to Kansas City to Red White & Boom where he was performing My World before it even came out and no one knew him! Oh, and this was on my birthday. Even better. So, I literally could have had the chance to meet him and maybe be friends with him somehow if I would’ve just gone to that gosh

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darn concert. I will regret it for the rest of my life. And, me being dumb, didn’t go to the My World and Believe shows because I was actually just stupid. Man, he was so beautiful! He still is but you know, it wasn’t like it was before. His innocence and excitement were there, but the fame and the money have caught up with him, and he just seems drained.   Despite that, my first Justin show was magical. My friend Desi and I went together, we bought tickets the day the show went on sale. I was literally in class, waiting for the tickets to go on sale, credit card ready and all. We ended up not actually using those tickets I bought that day, but by a brilliant stroke of genius, we decided to sell these tickets that were already good seats and buy even better seats. We got row 8. ROW EIGHT. ROW EIGHT!!! On the floor!!! The next best thing would have been the freaking pit, but unless someone was willing to give me an extra $2,000, that would be out of reach. I’m totally not complaining though. These were the best seats I’ve ever had. Oh my goodness. So you think row 8 wouldn’t be that impressive, right, as to say, row 1. You thought! The way the stage was set up was like a T. The main stage was in the

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back, but there was a part that outstretched further into the audience, and guess where it ended. Right next to us. I literally cried when he came on stage. I couldn’t believe how close I was to this boy I had been enamored with all these years. I couldn’t even believe it. And I will swear by this til the day I die, he looked at me. I have photographic evidence! He was literally ten feet away from me. TEN FEET. And he spent most of the show out on that little stage next to me instead of the main stage in the back, so you could say I was thrilled. I really couldn’t believe that he was real and he was there in the flesh and how he could be so beautiful even with his ugly ass dreads. God, I’m tearing up thinking about it. I keep wanting to go back to that every time I think about it. I never wanted it to end, but that it did too fast. I can’t wait for the next show, and I’m determined to meet him, before he gets all old and crusty. I’ll probably still love him then, but it won’t be the same. For now, I will still continue to love and cherish him and hope people will see what I see in him. So, Justin, if you happen across this one day, just know that I love you and will always support you.


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We are homesick most for the places we have never known. Carson McCullers

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T he Beatles have always been a big part of

count with my fake name and I would my life; literally since I was born. I owe a follow these accounts that role-played the big thanks to my dad for being the biggest Beatles. I “dated” this guy who role played Beatles fan and passing that on to me. Ab- as Paul McCartney and it was very weird bey Road will always be the most nostal- now that I’m reflecting upon it. God, I was gic album for me because I have the most such a strange child. But, my Beatles obmemories associated with it: one partic- session was not in vain. I got to see Paul ularly always is the most vivid -- I think live in concert in July 2010, and I cried I was about three years old or so, and it when he came on stage. My dad and I was when my parents were still together. were pretty far away, but the seats weren’t I was sitting in the back of my dad’s old really that bad. It was a spectacular congold Toyota Camry-- it was from the 80s cert. Paul really knows how to work I believe because it was really boxy look- a crowd; I mean he’s got like 50 years ing -- we would drive around listening to of experience. I was only disappointed “Here Comes the Sun” when he didn’t play “Kansas but I always liked singing City/Hey Hey Hey Hey” while along to “Come Together” he was in Kansas City. You especially during the part really missed out on a grand where John says someoppourtuniy, pal. Irregardless, thing about Coca-Cola. what a spectacular show it was. Every time I recall that   I think my favorite Beatmoment, I remember it les song was “Eight Days A being blissful and beauWeek” when I was younger. tiful and sunny and goldThat song really confused en. When everything was me, though, because I literalokay. Maybe it wasn’t paul mccartney ly thought the week had eight okay, totally, but I’ll just redays instead of seven. I never member it that way. I took fully grasped that concept unbeing a kid for granted. I always wanted til I was about ten or so, mind you. LOL. to grow up and be more independent. I’m ridiculous. I had the biggest crush Now, here I am, twenty years old, almost on Paul at this time and would religious$1,000 deep in credit card debt, getting ly sift the Internet for pcitures of young an average for four hours of sleep every Paul, because, I mean look at him. He’s night, only making about $130 every two a beauty. And man oh man that accent weeks, and on the verge of insanity. I’m was to die for. I acutally thought I was also breaking out every second and can born in the wrong decade because I just never have a clear complexion to save wanted to see the Beatles in their prime. my life. Why did I want this for myself? Man, what a show that would’ve been, Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like here in Kansas City in ‘64. If only, if only. this? Is this normal? Anyway, I digress.   The Beatles will definitely always be a   I swear to Christ, I know about every constant in my life, that’s for sure. I always word to every Beatles song ever. I really find myself going back to them. some sort became obsessed with them in the eighth of way or another. Their music is so timegrade, where I made my fake Twitter ac- les, I don’t see how someone could not.

“I don’t work at being ordinary.”

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Comeback Kids

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the Kansas City Royals. You know the name. You probably know the story. Down 7-3 in the 8th inning of the 2014 Wild Card Game to one of the most renowned pitchers in the game, Jon Lester, the Royals never gave up and never gave in. This was their first playoff berth in 29 years, and their fate looked bleak that they would make it past this game. The crowd was disgusted as the rookie, Yordano Ventura, gave up a three run home run in the eighth inning to put the Oakland A’s ahead. We felt defeated. We were all ready to go home or turn off the TV. But something magical happened that night. The Royals did not want it to end here, and especially not like that. They clawed and scratched their way back, eventually, and with

one swing of the bat by Salvador Perez in the twelfth inning, they claimed victory. They revitalized baseball in Kansas City. They became the team that everyone fell in love with and the team that the city could not get enough of. They went on to win their next eight games, sweeping two series and defeating some of the most hyped and best teams that year, the Los Angeles Angels and the Baltimore Orioles. Not only was the city in shock, the whole world was in shock. Everyone thought it was a fluke. No one thought the Royals actually deserved to be there, but that they were in the playoffs by pure luck and coincidence. No one respected them. However, despite all the naysayers, the Royals swept their way into the 2014 World Series.


Ninety feet. They were ninety feet away Gordon grounded out to score Kendrys from the most prestigious title in Major Morales to take the lead, 7-6. With Minute League Baseball. It was heartbreaking. We Maid Park roaring just ten minutes before, all longed for the Cinderella Story to come it now fell silent. They were stunned. And true. But the clock had struck midnight, and honestly, I was too. I couldn’t believe that we were jolted back to reality. When the they pulled it off again. They went on to win hero of the Wild Card Game, Salvador Pe- the game 9-6, and were victorious in Game rez, popped out to Pablo Sandoval, my heart 5 with the help of an outstanding Johnny sank. I couldn’t believe it. This wasn’t how Cueto, and moved on to the Championship The it was supposed end. But that’s the thing; Series with the Toronto Blue Jays. that’s not where it ended, but rather, began. Blue Jays gave them a hard time with their A gut-wrenching loss to the Giants turned powerful offense, but they Royals would be the ultimate victor. This out to be a good thing, would catapult them and the motivation to their second straight from which their World Series appear2015 World Series ance. After leading 3 Title would ultigames to 1 in a best-ofmately come from. seven series, the Royals During the 2015 were at the advantage postseason in the going into Game 5 of the fourth game of World Series against the ALDS against the New York Mets. Matt the young HousHarvey shut down the ton Astros, the city Royals — Mets having was having flashthe advantage 2-0 — backs of the 2014 until the last two outs Wild Card Game. Salvador Perez of the ninth inning. Citi Down 4 runs in the Field surged with enereighth inning yet again, we all were anxious. Our stomachs gy as Harvey jogged to take the mound in churned at the thought of the Royals los- the ninth. Just three more outs would have ing in the first round of the playoffs. We all forced a Game 6 in Kansas City. But those thought that they would make it back to the three outs came too late, as Eric Hosmer’s World Series, but this time with a different double would drive in Lorenzo Cain and outcome. The whole season was anticipa- score their first run of the game. Us Roytion for this moment, and it all seemed to als fans back home knew this was it. They fade away because of two pitches left out were about to win the World Series. Once over the plate. But they proved us wrong they scored that run, we knew it was all yet again. With three straight singles and over. The comeback kids never let us down. one Carlos Correa error, the Royals had Mike Moustakas flied out to move Hosmer tied the game up. With only one out, Alex to third base. One out. Two more chances.

We like to compete. We like to play hard. And we’ll see what happens at the end of the game. That’s what we do every game.

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Photo by Michael Robinson

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And as fate would have it, it was all up to none other than Salvador Perez. Fighting off pitches, Perez was battling to stay alive at the plate. He didn’t mean to, but he swang and made contact. This usually would have been an easy out, but Hosmer decided to challenge the Mets’ defense. On the throw to first, while he was at third, he sprinted home. Ninety feet. If the Mets’ first baseman, Lucas Duda, would have made even a semi-accurate throw, Hosmer would have been out by a mile. But Hosmer took him by surprise, causing him to rush and make a throw that not even the catcher, Travis d’Arnaud, could even attempt to make. When Hosmer slid safely across home plate, Citi Field fell silent. It

would be until the end of the game in the twelfth inning, when the Royals won the 2015 World Series, 7-2, their second title in history. No one thought it was possible that the Royals would come out on top, or even make it back to the World Series for a second consecutive year. But they proved everyone wrong. By winning 8 of their 11 postseason games coming back from deficits to capture their second World Series Title, the Kansas City Royals will be forever known as the comeback kids. After thirty years of misery, the Comeback Kids gave Kansas City something to cheer for again. They revived a city longing for something to be proud of and cherish again. And for that, we can’t thank you enough,Royals.

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“ Memory

believes before knowing remembers. william faulkner

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“

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You can't live a positive life with a negative mind and if you have a positive outcome you have a positive income and just to have more positivity and just to kind of laugh it off.

�


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Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were. marcel proust

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They come out glamorous and simplified, even the violent ones, even the ones that are snapshots of fear. Maybe those costumed, clung-to fragments are the first wedge nostalgia drives into our dreaming. Maybe our dreams are corrupted right from the start: the weight of apples in the blossoms overhead. Even the two thin reddish dogs nosing down the aisles of crippled trees, digging in the weak shade thrown by the first flowerers, snuffle in the blackened leaves for the scent of a dead year. Childhood, first love, first loss of love-the saying of their names brings an ache to the teeth like that of tears withheld. What must happen now is that the small funerals celebrated in the left-behind life for their black exotica, their high relief, their candles and withered wreaths, must be allowed to pass through into the sleeping world, there to be preserved and honored in the fullness and color of their forms, their past lives their coffins. Goodbye then to all innocent surprise at mortality’s panache, and goodbye to the children fallen ahead of me into the slow whirlpool I conceal within myself, my death, into its snow-froth and the green-black muscle of its persuasion. The spirits of children must look like the spirits of animals, though in the adult human the vacancy left by the child probably darkens the surviving form. The apples drop their blossom-shadows onto the still-brown grass. Old selves, this is partly for you, there at the edge of the woods like a troop of boy soldiers.

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You can go on living with the blade of nostalgia in your hearts forever, my pale darlings. It changes nothing. Don’t you recognize me? I admit

The Blade of Nostalgia chase twichell


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I love Hilary. I think she’s my favorite Disney Channel star thus far. Ha, that rhymed. But I would always watch Lizzie McGuire after school every day, and I would constantly identify myself with her as a character. She was awkward, pretty, confident (sort of) and was a loyal friend. I swear, I could identify with almost every episode, and it really shaped me as a child, and as a woman. I know I went to see Hilary in concert in like 2005, but I honestly don’t remember any of it if I’m being honest. I just remember being really high up in the seats at the Kemper, and she came out on stage and that was about it. I don’t know how I don’t remember that. It was just a blur. I think I was like 9 years old. You know, that’s happened with a lot of my concerts I’ve been to -- like this one, and the Jonas Brothers one as well and kind of the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus one as well.   Despite that, I remember listening to her albums a lot and my friends and I even had a Hilary Duff themed party and each of us got a copy of one of her albums, Metamorphasis. I think Hilary will continue to be timeless and be a great role model for young girls and I will always follow her career. Love you Hil!

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Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia john green

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