This project is dedicated to my stomach. I love you. And I am sorry for hurting you.
La Belle America WHOSE UPPER-MIDDLE CLASS, CELEBRITIES, HYPOCHONDRIACS, AND PETA-OBSESSIVES — NOT TO MENTION HER IN-HOUSE CHEFS — THROUGH RECENT DECADES OF CODDLING AND ANTI-DEPRESSANT CONSUMPTION HAVE CREATED SOME OF THE WORLD’S MOST HIGH-MAINTENANCE EATERS.
1 Cup of Raisins Directions:
Dump Raisins into bowl, and serve.
i try not to
think about it.
A shitload of carrots Directions:
Dump carrots into bowl. Heat them up. Smoosh them. Serve.
SUCH COMPLEX FLAVORS! Best accompanied by a full-bodied glass of mineral water. Add lemon to aid in digestion and excitement!
Brown Rice will fill you up!
Pressing non-questions, and solicited, non-professional opinions
There is bacon and i want some? there is some bacon in the kitchen.
Well it all depends on the value of your convictions; if you eat it, will you be able to face yourself tomorrow without regrets? Answer 2
We cannot help you with your ethical issues. If the decision is to have any rectitude it must come from you alone. Answer 3
Look at pictures of pigs. Do you really want to eat them?
RERET Figure 4
A note for you, Dear Reader: Adhering to the O,DSGN-Free,V-Friendly diet is a totally rewarding lifestyle. Besides never having any energy, no one will meet you for lunch, invite you over for dinner parties or share a tub of unbuttered popcorn with you at the movie theater. Instead, you can devote yourself to chewing celery, making sunflower seed burgers and having excessive diarrhea. Live it up— alone — because no one will stop by to dig through your pantry. If you find that you’ve been abandoned by all friends (who blame it on your “unnecessarily dangerous health obsessions”), just move to L.A. and look for anemiclooking celebrity types. They’ll love you for who you are. Whoever needed bacon anyway?
Excuses How to refuse invitations, alienate yourself and lose all of your friends:
Why don’t you come over here. I’ll make raisin salad! I’m detoxing. Drinks at 9? That’s right in the middle of my three-hour toilet date. I can’t make it. You only have tap water, and you know how I feel about that. I’m sorry, I’ve burned through all of my calories for the day. I have to wash my hair.