! T U O E C PEA JOBS Cat Sitter Needed for My Lousy Cat
Why Iâ€™m NOT the Perfect Girl for You
Craigslisters March 09
Rants and Raves
Simple Items that Might Change the World!
For Sale Fancy Lamp shade
March 09: Departments
Lookin’ For a Well Mannered Hick 4. Why I’m Not the Perfect Girl for You 6. Beast Attraction 7. One Time Thing!
Don’t Worry. You’ll Find a Job
12. Graphic Designer 16. Accountant The next American Idol 18. Floor Coating Installer 22. Get Your Taxes Done FAST! 23. I Buy Houses 25. Cheap Hair Stylist
df s For SalE 26 33 Gigs
28. Carnival Vendors Needed 29. Wedding Catering Fancy Lamp shade 31. Swimwear Model 34. Free! 36. Collectibles 37. Electronics
Rants and Raves
7 Simple Items that Might Change the World 39. Nancy Reagan Praises Obama
What’s Up?! 41. You C an Read the Newspapaer 46. Neighborhoods in the Ghetto 47. Job Finding Assistance 50. Do You Have Kids? 2
PEACE OUT! March 09
43. Worse than What?!
Photograph by John Walker
Rants and Raves
Simple Items that Might
People are stupid. And they’re usually mean. You
wonder why they’re selling a beautiful brand new sofa for a fraction of the price they paid six months ago? You wonder why they’re flagging your completely harmless ad or can’t seem to distinguish between to, two, and too? You wonder why they bought that adorable puppy in the first place when they were gonna move to a no-pets apartment in two months? But the upside is that Craigslist was developed specifically for stupid people, those who are just too lazy or too dumb to do anything but take the easiest way out of life’s irritations. Be aware that you’ll run into people just like you, who aren’t intelligent or efficient enough to post a friggin newspaper ad or hang signs from streetlights. Would YOU buy from anything from you? I thought not. If you’re gonna use an extremely user-friendly site, start by acknowledging your own userfriendliness and that of others.
Photograph by Chris Gramly
Dear Craigslisters This means you, buyers, sellers, and total pervs! Let me begin by saying how much I love Craigslist. My name is Angela, and I’m a Craigslist addict. I love its simplicity, its durability, its ubiquity, its grass-roots charm. Using Craigslist. In a society that is becoming increasingly a-literate (being able to read but unwilling to do so), craigslist has pretty much revolutionized the process of selling and buying used goods, apartment hunting, job searching, even matchmaking. After checking work and personal e-mail, it’s the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I look at at night. I Love Craigslist.
That being said, the following is a rant that has been bubbling in my brain for a while now.
Buckle in and
Photograph by Tony Hutchings
Speaking of stupidity, let’s talk about the USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS. ANYONE WHO HASN’T BEEN LIVING UNDER A ROCK SINCE THE DAWN OF THE INTERNET KNOWS THAT PRINTING IN ALL CAPITALS IS THE CYBERSPACE EQUIVALENT OF YELLING. Anyone who’s lived knows that being yelled at is exceedingly unpleasant and offputting. If you really wanna sell that antique table, try not yelling at me. Yes, it’s beautiful. Your kindly-added picture probably shows off its nice details very well. You’re not gonna sell me on it any faster by making me feel like your enthusiastic spit droplets are moistening my face. We’re not deaf, we’re stupid. As the Craigslist posting rules suggest, keep capitals to a minimum. Or, heck, go without them. Really, try it. It feels kinda good.
PEACE OUT! March 09
Pictures. Pictures sell the item Detailed descriptions are good. better than any words you ever Life stories are not. Unless you’re say ever will. Take nice pictures. If they posting a rant. In that case, knock yourself out. don’t come out nice, take them again. Don’t post them anyway and then apologize for them. This won’t help you. Make sure they appear right side up. When they load sideways, I always feel like I must look like Forrest Gump and Gump Junior when they’re watching TV together. My head starts to tilt, the drooling begins, it’s not pretty. Make them clear, make them right side up. If they come out unclear or upside down, spend the few seconds to retake and reload them. Yes, yes, sometimes the site itself has problems. So delay your posting until the problem is resolved. A bad picture is worse than no picture at all. If you have no digital camera (I’m one of those Neanderthals, myself ), say so. Then describe the HELL outta your items. Height, width, depth, color, style, everything that can be said about it, say. Better yet, go to google images, find the closest approximation, and load it. It’s there, believe me. I’m also a google addict.
Please. (badum-chee!) I don’t need to know what your roommate/spouse/friend/daughter did that forced you to sell this item. I do need to know whether it will fit in my 1-bedroom apartment. If I’m interested enough to contact you, maybe I’ll be interested in your life story too. (Especially if politely listening and attempting to understand will get me a cheaper price!) But save it for second contact, or, better yet, decide it’s possible to sell something without baring your soul to a complete stranger.
Rants and Raves
Don’t post an ad right before your two-week long trip to Borneo. Don’t respond to my ad with the caveat that you’ll be away for the weekend and won’t actually have time to come look until Tuesday. If you’re gonna post or respond, have enough time.
Asthe writers of Scrubs so eloquently put it, people are bastard-coated bastards with bastard Fillings.
People come here for the easy and cheap (you’d think they’d make prostitutes available—har!). I’m sure your antique king-size Columbian-wood Argentinian-made Europeimported bedroom set is gorgeous and worth every penny of the $14,500.00 you’re asking. That picture does indeed show entirely beautiful wood grain, and just LOOK at that engraving. Wow. Craigslist is not the place to sell it. Thank you for letting us see what’s out there that we’d absolutely love to have but cannot afford without selling off a few organs or firstborns. Really, we appreciate it. Now go sell it on Ebay or push it to celebrities or consignment stores. They can give you what you want and even deserve for it. We’re here for the cheap and easy. $14,500.00 is a bit too much for 99% of craigslisters (and you wouldn’t wanna deal with the other 1% anyway, believe me). This goes for professional dealers too. We look here for the cheap. Don’t push your brand new and therefore more expensive crap on us. The next time I see a Craigslist ad that is really just a link to your store, I’m taking hostages. And I’ll never shop there, ever. You just lost a customer, buddy. So there.
This is craigslist, online classifieds much simpler than Ebay.
If I’m interested enough to contact you, maybe I’ll be interested in your life story too.
People are stupid. Craigslist is their warm, embracing mother ship. Please enable my addiction by observing my Seven Simple Items. I’m not bossy, really--I just have better ideas. And lots of gently-used, smoke- and pet- and childfree furniture. Thanks.
Spelling and punctuation. Yes, frankly, I AM the grammar police. It’s wrought iron, not rod iron. It’s shab-
by “chic”, not “sheik” or “sheek”. “It’s” means “it is”; “its” is the possessive you’re looking for. “Your” is possessive; “you’re” means you are. “Unique” means “one-of-a-kind”, so nothing can be “very” unique, anymore than a woman can be “very” pregnant. She either is or she isn’t. Chances are good that your curio cabinet is not unique, but instead is rare or unusual. Either correct definition will sell it just as quickly. But I’m not going to be eager to spend my time and money on your “unique armour (it’s armoire, btw), with rod-iron trim”, since you don’t appear intelligent enough to handle a toaster, much less an antique (not anteek). and btw sentences with no punctuation or correctly used capitals are very hard to read like trying to keep water from draining between your fingersespeciallyif youveleft onlyanoccasional space between words like your stillin middleschool orsomething i mean comeon.
I always feel like I look like Forrest Gump and Gump Junior when they’re watching TV together. My head starts to tilt, the drooling begins. it’s not pretty.
For Sale Superb
Well constructed and in great shape! It will add a retro feel to any room. The shade is covered in delicate fabric that is topped off with wonderful tassels! All it needs is a great stand in a grand room! My asking price is $65. That is why I’m getting rid of it, it won’t fit in my double wide I’m moving to. Please take this beautiful lamp shade off my hands and give it a nice home. I would appreciate it! If interested give Rick a call at 503-345-6789. Thanks!
Frost Proof Freezer Photograph by RIck Savage
Joan Jett autographed guitar Joan Jett signed this guitar at the state fair for me. A guitar signed by her is going for as much as $800 on some web sites. Get yours for a steal at $600, paypal or cash only. Call Jessica at 503-123-4567.
PEACE OUT! March 09
For real! No joke! We just moved into a new house and got a new refrigerator so the one that came with the house needs to go! It is an older Frigidaire Refrigerator and Frost Proof Freezer (freezer on top). The fridge and freezer are in perfect working condition - just old and need a good cleaning. There are 6 porch steps you will need to take it down so a dolly would be a good idea. Free to the first person who shows up with a truck to haul it away! Cannot deliver. Can possibly help load but you will need to bring at least 2 people. Please contact via email ASAP to set up a time/day to pick it up. The sooner the better! Call Phillip at 503-878-9546
I am not the perfect girl for you.
For a while now, I’ve been posting and hunting on Craigslist. I get bored at work a lot, and it seems to pass the time. Every guy on here seems to think that he is God’s gift to mankind (not even just the women…). Joe Schmoe posts on here looking for the brilliant, model, single, virgin, wealthy etc etc girl. Do you smell that? Cause its time to wake up and take a hugeeee whiff of that folgers. Regardless, here’s some of my commentary. (Taken directly from posts in Men Seeking Women) “I am hoping to find an athletic, fun loving white female…” Ok. Athletic? So, should I like be on a team or something? Do you want me to be able to kick your ass when we wrastle? Fun loving? No…I hate fun. Fun is the worst thing ever. You try to have fun with me and the consequences will be dire. “looking for friend with beniftits” *sigh* Where do I start, young sir? There is a section dedicated solely to you getting your johnson stroked. Its called NSA! And what “beniftits” were you looking for? Perhaps some spelling/grammar lessons? I’d be happy to tutor you. Maybe I’m viewing this entirely the wrong way? Maybe you are in fact extremely clever and were using a play on words? Benef-tits? I think not. “im 6’4” 270lbs blk straight teeth” Black straight teeth? Maybe you should spend your time at the dentist rather than Craigslist. Or, use a flippin comma. “If you are fake, I have no time for you.” Sorry sugar. But honestly, you don’t want to see 99% of the women out there without a little fakeness. Otherwise you’d slit your wrists. Everyone fudges the truth a little. *ahem* “No honey! You don’t look fat in those jeans at all…” Would you rather me tell you what I REALLY think about you when you come up to me at *insert random bar name here*? I don’t think so.
BTW, you have spinach in your teeth. “I am looking for a woman who takes care of her self” I would hope that would be one of your requirements. I can’t see someone asking for a woman who doesn’t shower? Doesn’t buy clothing that fits? Doesn’t pay her bills? I’m confused. “i want to look into your eyes and tell you how much more beautiful they are than the stars.” Weed and Craigslist ads do NOT mix! Stop making me vomit. Punch me in the face or something instead…Jeez. “I am looking to meet some one special that would like to start as friends and build from there.” Really? Because I prefer marriage immediately. F this friends sh*t. “I also want to get to meeting without 6 mos. of useless messeges” Would 5 months be ok? I’m not sure if I’ll be able to tell if you’re genuinely not a serial killer until then. “im only five eight 130lbs so no big girls or bbws”I dub this the ‘no fatties’clause. Don’t you know big girls is [sic] freaks!?!11?! And eww, 130? I think my 95yo grandmother weighs more than that. “I am a spontaneous person so I like to do a variety of things” I chose to spend my day doing the same thing over and over and over again. Like washing my hands. It makes me feel better. INVISIBLE BUGS! For future reference: Spontaneous: happening or arising without apparent external cause (this does not mean you like doing a variety of things, loser). “I’m 5’6’brown eyes,38 old,no child,but like.” Please press 1 for English. No child, but like. You are child-like? You like no child? You like children? Sorry, the subscription for my dumbass translator is expired. “likes to be outdoors but does not mind stayin indoors sumtimes” Is that like, breathing or not breathing? I was under the impression that indoors and outdoors were the only two options that humans
had. Again, confused. “Not interested in …morally bankrupt women.” What if I’m just financially bankrupt? Anyway, I’m ending my rant there. And, if I’ve pulled from your ad, and you’re offended…Get the hell over it. Take some criticism and maybe you’ll meet that 21 year old model virgin you’re so desperately seeking. -Samantha I don’t want you to have my number.
CAT SITTER Going away for two weeks and I must find a sitter for my cat. You would need to take him to your apartment because my house sitters are deathly allergic. A liitle background information for prospective babysitters... Three years ago a friend asked me if I would adopt an orange kitten that was found at 3 weeks old under a staircase nearly starved to death. Being an animal lover with extensive animal rehab experience I said yes. And so the cat was mine. I just don’t like my cat. I love my cat and I give him a wonderful happy, safe life, but I don’t like him. You get the idea. When you meet this cat you will wonder why. You will think poorly of me and call me cruel. Because when you meet this cat he will come to you and meow. He will jump on your lap and put his front legs on either side of your neck and hug. Yes. The cat hugs. It’s bizarre, but true. He will follow you around and cuddle and be the perfect cat. He will shock and amaze you at all of the words he understands. You can tell the cat to go lay down and he will. You can tell him to get his cattoy and he will. He will charm you with his personality and you will want to love him forever.
You will be scratched numerous times as you attempt to clean a giant thrashing cat butt.
So what’s the big deal?
He has ass glands that swell and tend to leak out poop scented oil. Yup. Leaky ass glands. The vet says it’s no big deal and there’s not much to do other than “milk” them from time to time. Yeah, that’s fun. Squeezing out cat ass juice is one of the most heinous things I can think of. But it must be done. Otherwise you will find ass-juice spots all over your bed, chairs, window sills, and any freshly cleaned clothes that happen to be around. The ass-juice also results in ass-juice dingle berries that tend to form on the posterior end of the cat. The AJDB’s must be plucked off with warm paper towels and discarded. The cat does not like this process. You will be scratched numerous times as you attempt 8
PEACE OUT! March 09
needed for my lousy cat to clean a giant thrashing cat butt. Because he is a rescue and most likely some inbred runt of the litter and missing a few genes, his teeth all fell out at 7 months of age. This means you must make him a special concoction of rice, wet cat food, and egg whites that looks only slightly worse than it smells. Cat will gum this slop up out of his bowl with such intensity that it causes him to then puke it all right back up and ingest it for a second time. Cat likes attention and is very affectionate. There is a catch. The cat will NEVER EVER LEAVE YOU ALONE. Not for a second. If you are on the bed, the cat is on the bed. On the couch? Cat’s on the couch. If you go to take a shit, the cat will open the bathroom door(yes he figured out doorknobs) and stare at you on the throne. When you leave it will sit at the door and howl until you return. Neighbors will hate you. You could pet him, but then you will end up covered in hair. A rare skin condition (three cheers for inbreeding) causes him to shed more than usual. One brush of the fur and you will have a wad of hair in your hand that could easily create 4 orange toupes. Be wary when getting dressed in the morning for one rub on the leg from this feline and you will look as if you are wearing UGGS inside out over your dress pants. You can’t leave the cat alone for
too long because he gets caught on things. Sigh. Yet another birth defect has rendered him unable to control his claw retraction. Cat walks on the floor and the claws pick things up. Cat keeps walking and before you know it he’s dragging some stockings, a washcloth, dust bunnies, and some yarn behind him. One then must pick up cat and pluck the claws out of said items without getting snagged yourself. Never ever allow cat to jump off of your lap without assistance or your pants just might leave as well.
So that’s my lousy cat. Who wants the job? Sarah Smith