S&W Editorial Board
Volume 10, Issue 9
For Your Infor mation
Editor in Chief Patricia Di Pietro email@example.com Managing Editor Daniel Hakimi firstname.lastname@example.org Business Manager Nikhil Deshpande email@example.com Composing Editor [vacant] Photo Editor Norbert Szmyt firstname.lastname@example.org
News Analysis Editor John Wallace email@example.com
Welcome to Spring
Statler & Waldorf Room 3314, Rensselaer Union 110 8th Street Troy, NY 12180 firstname.lastname@example.org Volume 10, Issue 9, 1 Printing Tuesday, March 22th, 2011
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It was Proffesor Plum in Folsom with a camera
Cover: Norbert Szmyt Fortnightly Foto: Norbert Szmyt Staff Photo: Norbert Szmyt Last Exit Before Toll: Kayla Baltunis
Statler & Waldorf is published fortnightly while classes are in session by the students of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute under the authority of the Rensselaer Union. It is provided to the community at no charge. Opinions expressed within this publication are not necessarily those of the Statler & Waldorf staff or Editorial Board of Statler & Waldorf, the Rensselaer Student Union or Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. Pieces in the Humor section are satirical in nature and do not necessarily refer to real places or people. These pieces are for entertainment value only. The Editorial Board reserves the right to edit all submissions in compliance with the Statler & Waldorf Style Guide. All submissions for selections should be sent to email@example.com. All submissions are due the Monday before publication. Please see our webpage: http://sw.union.rpi.edu for more information.
Culture Editor Kayla Baltunis firstname.lastname@example.org Humor Editor Andrew Bishop email@example.com Editorial & Opinion Editor Andrew Carl firstname.lastname@example.org Selections Editor Breanna Brown email@example.com Web Master Bobby Ferris firstname.lastname@example.org
Mike Agnew, Darcie Cook, Harrison Dean, Zachary Fishman, Paul Rapoport, Jared Salvadore, Dan Scheffler, Tripp Spivey, Ian Szumila, Rory Thrasher, Michael Zwack.
lot of things have changed since coming to college. The number of hockey games I have been to now rivals the number of concerts I have attended, I know all of the words to the Canadian National Anthem, and I guess I know more as a result of classes too. One thing still stays the same: I still like to play games. It can be playing soccer behind Commons at the beginning and end of the year, or maybe messing around on an Xbox in a friend’s residence hall, or occasionally opening
a Flash game during down time in the middle of the day. As long as there is something to do or someone to play with, the time seems to not go by as slowly (of course, doing work might be a good idea too). Winning and losing make things exciting too. We all know that one shy person who blows up in the middle of a game, or even uses quietness to their advantage to win without anyone noticing. Or even that person who is normally loud and excitable but settles
by Patricia Di Pietro down when it matters to win the game. So the next time you have no idea what to do instead of throwing on a movie, or staring at the walls until something exciting happens, why not start a game? It can be as simple as Never Have I Ever, or as intense as getting together enough people for a LAN-party. Maybe you can even use our feature to come up with a couple of ideas.
2 News Analysis 2 Smells Like Home 3 I, Internet 4 Not a Bakery 5 Just Ducky 5 Beer Review: Otter Creek Copper Ale
10 Editorial & Opinion
10 The Journey 11 Apparently, We’re Not Funny Anymore
12 Humor 14 Selections
Statler & Waldor f
6 Feature: S&W Games Night
Photo: Ainsley Pinokwitz
Does this make my head look big?
22 March 2011
It’s All Fun and Games
Memo from the Editor:
Smells Like Home by Zachary Fishman t is quite impossible, no matter how much time one spends in one’s room, to overlook the plethora of snow that has blanketed Troy this year. The arduous hike to class every day has only become more difficult as bitter snowstorms have turned into a seemingly weekly occurrence. And yet these daily hikes would not be half as bad if it were not for that obnoxious stink sprayed all over every sidewalk and walkway on campus. According to Jerry Faiola, Director of Environmental and Site Services (E&SS), this “soy sauce,” as students have come to call it, is actually called Magic Salt, a mixture of distillers, molasses and other salts. Compared with other anti-icing agents, such as rock salt, Magic Salt is a safer, “greener” choice. So what’s so magic about Magic Salt? According to its manufacturers, Brennan Landscaping Inc., Magic Salt is 90 percent less corrosive and can reduce the use of conventional rock-based salt products by up to 50 percent. Due to the high cost, though, the E&SS usually refrains from using it in favor of less expensive, less stinky rock salt alternatives. However, in the face of
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Volume 10, Issue 9
impending ice storms, the administration breaks out the big guns. It is also worth noting that Magic Salt also comes in a solid form, which makes it easier to cover certain surfaces, and can be identified as the brown dirt-like substance they sprinkle over the ground. In addition to Magic Salt, the school employs two other deicers, both of which are rock salts. The first one is
with which they come in contact; this is why there is typically more damage to streets in winter months. They also irritate the paws of pets, which can lead to extreme discomfort for our furry friends. So why do we use rock salt? It’s cheap and it gets the job done. Though Magic Salt’s presence is obvious this winter, it would seem that they have used less of it than in years past. This can be attributed to the fact that, though RPI has gotten a greater number of snow storms, it has actually had significantly fewer ice storms. The E&SS is more than willing to forego the expenses of sealing the entire campus in a blanket of chemicals; instead they have adopted the tactic of only spraying highly trafficked paths that are used during Photo: Norbert Szmyt the evening hours. For those worried called halite rock salt, which is made of about the potential health risks NaCl crystals, more commonly known as associated with inhalation of this table salt. It works by creating a saltwater chemical agent, fear not: according solution, which has a much lower to its Material Safety Data Sheet melting point than water alone. This (MSDS), Magic Salt’s fumes are not only is one reason the oceans don’t freeze harmless, they’re ironically categorized in the winter time. The second type of as pleasant, an opinion which reeks of rock salt is called Snow Plow, which is bias. Smell aside, this product actually a conglomeration of various salts and works, and works well; the paths are corrosion inhibitors. The problem with clear of ice and it’s better for the most rock salts is that they are corrosive, environment than rock salt—now that meaning that they eat away at surfaces is magic.
is discrimination. The internet was designed as an open medium; all websites, features, and services are given equal treatment. This is how musicians can make their break on YouTube, how bloggers can gain national notoriety, and how upstart companies like Facebook and Reddit can become so successful. It is the same reason why you see a list of sites that most closely match your query in a search engine, not the list of sites that paid the most. New double-dipping business models will arise. Currently, ISPs charge
“ The question is: Do we want the internet to be safer for the users or for corporations like Comcast and Verizon? “
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customers solely to access their networks. However, now they want to charge for what you—as well as companies—do on the internet as well. The rationale is that companies like Google are freeloading off of the networks which corporations invested billions to build. It’s like how you pay for the electricity to run your toaster, only now you have to pay to plug it in as well, or pay extra to power it optimally. The new potential business models are like burning a candle at both ends. There are many free services on the internet, and if ISPs start charging companies to use their networks, a lot of these things will disappear or start
costing money. Websites like Hulu are driven completely by advertisements, but if they need to pay thousands to deliver their content to users, then they may need to charge subscription fees for their basic service. And from there it is a slippery slope. Customer numbers will decline, resulting in reduced advertisement viewership. And if advertisers aren’t seeing a benefit in their patronage then it could spell the website’s demise. Basically, the new costs that arise for websites and companies will be passed onto users. There is also the potential stifling innovation. The beauty of the free internet is that innovators and inventors can dream big and may become the next Ebay or Twitter. However, like during the times of Rockefeller and J.P. Morgan, competitors can be muscled out of the marketplace by monopolies paying for preferential internet status. So what does this all mean for the customers? If net neutrality is not preserved, the internet is at the mercy of corporate executive’s imaginations. We could see pay-per-view web pages, or subscription fees for sites like YouTube and Facebook which are currently taken for granted. There could be taxes to use voice-over-internet phone calls, the top search engine, or to chat via instant messaging. The next generation of inventions and ideas could be suffocated and shut out by the top-tiered service level. All this, while ISPs are reaping greater profits.
22 March 2011
fter the recent row over Usage Based Billing (UBB) in Canada, as well as Egypt’s internet blackout, current events indicate that the beloved free internet is not as free as was once thought. The internet was designed as a network through which information could be freely transferred, under a concept recently defined as network neutrality. Network neutrality is the principle that all internet traffic should be treated equally. It suffices to say that a gigabyte of data is simply a gigabyte of data when transferred over the internet, regardless of its originating website, be it Wikipedia, Facebook, or 4chan. This unrestricted flow of information is what the internet is known for and what we have come to expect from it. Last December, the Federal Communications Commision (FCC) published resolutions to allow Internet Service Providers (ISPs) to divide their service into tiers. This, along with the ruling of Comcast Corporation v. FCC back in April limiting FCC powers to impose net neutrality on ISPs, has set a dangerous precedent and gives ominous signs of what is to come. In America today, many are in favor of all forms of corporate deregulation, and, although the FCC may attempt to regulate ISPs in preserving net neutrality, the restrictions which ISPs will impose on their networks could prove to be disastrous. The question is: Do we want the internet to be safer for the users or for corporations like Comcast and Verizon? So what are the ramifications of a non-neutral internet? The foremost
by Jared Salvadore
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I Internet and So Can You! (For Now)
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Daisy Baker’s: Not a Bakery by Tripp Spivey
while back when I first visited Troy as a prospective student, I wanted to eat lunch downtown to get a feel for the city. It was a calm, sunny day during the midsummer; I was driving aimlessly around River Street and 2nd street looking for a place to eat. At this time many of the restaurants were closed for the season or out of business (such as the Ilium Café). Finding a place to eat was quite hard, but after a long stint of driving with family around the labyrinth that is the Troy street system, we finally saw an open restaurant: Daisy Baker’s. The others in the car demanded that we eat there immediately. Not wanting to eat at a bakery, I was skeptical of the restaurant, but we decided to try it.
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Photo: Norbert Szmyt
Upon entering Daisy Baker’s I was greeted with a tall wood-lined space. The back of the room was lined with organ pipes. This space was apparently once used as a church. I sat down in this beautiful ornate room at a table near the right wall. On the opposite side of the room there was a large, classy bar that brought to mind the splendor of bygone eras. Little did I know when sitting down to this lunch that I would consume the best Reuben sandwich I had ever encountered, as well as sampling what was among the best greek salads I had found. The atmosphere was interesting and classy; the wait-staff was attentive and friendly, and all of the food was impeccably composed and presented. Since my initial visit I have returned a few times, each time leaving impressed. But near the end
of last summer, Daisy Baker’s filed for chapter eleven bankruptcy protection; it remained open while the restaurant was reorganized. Every time that I have visited this restaurant it has been deserted, except for maybe one other customer; this has seemed true for both lunch and dinner. Still, there is something about this space that feels special. The bar atmosphere evokes a potential classy Cheers neighborhood bar feel, where the drinks are stiff and well-priced, and the company is always good when there are people around. Yet, it is also a top-notch dining establishment. Despite being a long-time Troy establishment, with close proximity to the Troy Savings Bank Music Hall and a nice interior space, Daisy Baker’s went bankrupt. However, there is still hope; the restaurant is under new ownership and is getting Thunder Mountain Curry to take over the lunch menu. It began service on March 14th at lunch with a new style emphasizing an Asian-fusion theme. This new culinary outlook may take over the dinner menu in the future. The change is certainly a different take compared to the classic American and European dishes once served at Daisy Baker’s. I hope this change will revitalize this space and pave the way for a bright future of happy patrons. You should go try the new Daisy Baker’s on 2nd street in Troy; go to their bar and hang out, go to their lunch for a midday treat, or go for a fine evening dining experience. Just go and let the good times roll.
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by Patricia Di Pietro C C re e ison Dean O t te r by Harr enericon was well over a month ago, While the Troy weather may not necessarily but for as many of make it obvious, my calendar is yelling at me you that spent every that it’s finally spring. So, I decided to take a waking hour walking break from the heavier beers and try a lighter the hallways of the DCC beer. Otter Creek is one of Vermont’s more and CII, just as many of well-known craft breweries. Their flagship brew you avoided that end is Copper Ale, an altbier, a German style of ales of campus entirely. whose namesake refers to the brewing process By going, however, in using warm top-fermenting yeasts. you would have It is very evident where this brew got its Photo: Ainsley Pinkowitz encountered many name; a beautiful translucent amberish copper interesting people. No, with acrylics from art class.” The liquid pours into a pint glass. Honey and yeast I’m not talking about all of the cosplayers, years continued with Ainsley are the most obvious scents and flavors, with but the people working in Artist’s Alley. getting ducks for Christmas the German bittering hops and slight malty These are the people who make and birthdays, eventually sweetness seeping through—as expected for their products even when there is no selling ducks at Connecticon in any great altbier. The alcohol is hidden, but it convention in town, and they aren’t addition to other conventions, is present when sought. selling Pocky or other types of licensed taking online commissions, and Copper Ale has a rather light body, with products made by other people (I’m attending Genericon as an artist light yet present carbonation, and these looking at you, vendors). I caught up for the first time this year. both contribute to a highly drinkable with one artist in particular who I saw Using characters from popular beer that would be a session ale, save behind a table full of ducks. anime shows, video games, and for the bittering hops. Large gulps can Everything began for Ainsley Pinkowitz other various sources, Ainsley be consumed (contrary to most beers back in 2005 when she saw a rubber duck seems to have found a unique I review), but every sip is still highly artist who sold ducks that were “retardedly niche in the duck artist market. Since enjoyable and flavorful to the last expensive.” She mentioned that she, “ended starting her craft, she has only met drop. One of the greatest elements up buying a cheaper duck, Zoro from One one other person online who makes to this beer is that it’s enjoyable Piece.” For those who don’t know, he is a rubber ducks. year-round; drinking Copper Ale simple character as far as the duck version I know that I made the right choice can warm you in the colder winter is concerned, with only an earring crafted spending most, if not all, of my time months after trekking through the separately. For the next two years, that at Genericon down in Artist’s Alley. snow, or it can be enjoyed during duck artist did not come back. However, I was given the opportunity to find the dog days of summer while in the following year of 2008, Ainsley things that I would not even think to relaxing on your front lawn. While attended Connecticon as the new duck look for, and you never know what kind not necessarily a groundbreaking artist. of people you will meet or what cool beer, it’s still a solid brew and She described the years in between, things they will do. worth trying if you’ve never had being given a duck and being inspired to any of Otter Creek’s offerings. make a Link character. “He was simple, with Editor’s Note: For more photos of Ainsley’s no hair, a pointy hat, and an outfit painted work, go to spongekitty.deviantart.com
u r s, 2 ho then e b m ay , a n d to l l, o r c a rd s u h a v e , i k e o o t h y es a rd s n, et inut eed ar s. To wi r tain c e m n n ce en Th n d t . A l l y o u s t r u c t i o l a y i n g a l i v e. a g e. u o r n p t e a n o a v e c h o o s t h e i r i i n t s b y s t p e r s a d v a n s s, a n d h u n o o w a I f y o g a m e t i s fo l l o e r o f p e t h e l g a i n a l y u s e l e r o w n . b ar to o al e r th dly ay s num asic ove to d yo u is th e t h i s u h a v e c e r t a i n u t u n t i l y fe w w u p i s b w i l l b e r e p e a t l i n g, r g o u u a o e e y n o i v y l e y yo in all r g a v e r y o n e r e a r e l p, t e a m g c a r d t u n t i l n c h o f e h t n g e r a b u g. ei k e hat th ys he inni s n will noc t o a or k par t is n’t alw ave a w eople pared f nto losi it work this p s h i o t t i bes ards d nk you angr y be pre others it that, lay, bu o c o i p w k l S l c dt n The you th ow ho tegy. o tri nt to ca ple ca ent, an er. t a e n r g t c k er ning s mptin ou wa on p e o c i te m h i s E i t h nev e x wo y You heir win and att side, if ople. T more e aytest T before e , t r n P p l p o i w t up u F ’ l e fo ing only do er thre hor ter. e Didn hopes p m v r s ju Th e o u p s o e ve n ow i n W e t yo u gr b e n , t h r s to g will y o t fo r b e s t g a m e r u s t r a t i o re w a f r m r o sh fur the en wn. o e ev add e will b shot d r m e e Th th ing h av
S&W Games Night The S&W staff decided to go all out on writing about games that they enjoy. No, not your typical video or computer games, but actual old-school, hands-on games. Here’s what we came up with.
In this board game, you newfound land of America— and your friends are tasked with settling the I Indians—I mean Native Am mean Catan—and best of all, there are no ericans—I mean Native Ca way or make you feel guilty tan about destroying this pristin ians to get in the The first thing you notice e garden of Eden. about the game is that the board is composed of nineteen re-arrangeab le land hexes surrounded by a set of ocean tiles; the random placement of these hexes ensures a ple thora of different worlds, resulting in treme ndous replay value. Player s position settlements on the corners of hexes, rol l the dice, and collect valua ble resources. These can be traded or used to build settlements, roads, cities, and development cards. The goal of the game is to accrue ten victory po ints: settlements give one victory point, citi es give two, and cards can sometimes give one. What makes this game fun , and also frustrating, is the trading resources. Who you dynamic of trade with matters; is tha t one brick you need to cut off your opponents worth two wheat, or will that wheat be better used making a city? It all comes down to how well you trade. And if that doesn’t make matters ten uous enough, whenever any player rolls a seven, he get to move the robbe r, blocking out a hex and stealing a resource from a person of his choic e— friendships falter upon the harsh! Alas, I’ve seen too many sturdy tumultuous Catanian sho res.
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Quelf is the most random game you’ll ever play. The board consists of a bright brick road paved with five different colors. The object of the game is to get to the center of the board. You move forward by successfully the completing the task on the card drawn and rolling the die. Each color on y; categor Roolz the is card blue The y. categor card a to onds corresp road the green: Quizzle; the red: Scatterbrainz; the yellow: Stuntz; and the purple: Showbiz. The Roolz card can apply either to the person who draws it or in everyone playing the game. It can require you to do anything from talking a funny accent to standing up whenever anyone else stands. Quizzle cards If have a standard multiple choice or true/false question about random trivia. you draw a Scatterbrainz card, you have the option to choose one of the two listed categories, and you go around the circle saying something that applies to the category until someone doesn’t have an idea or repeats something that’s already been said. The final two categories are Stuntz and Showbiz. Showbiz cards can make you dance, sing, act, or write poems about the player next to you. Stuntz cards are where a lot of the real craziness lies. From putting ice down your pants, to wrapping yourself in toilet paper, to rolling on the floor pretending you’re covered in lava, these cards will make you the is really interesting person that everyone will remember long after the game you if penalty a as serves that corner the over. All the cards have a number in r fail to complete the card, causing you to move backward a certain numbe and g laughin you keep will that of spaces. Quelf is a great party game wondering what you’re going to have to do next!
d with t is playe ith the a th e m a g w ungeon haracter sically a d outfitting your c g curses. Players ets a b is in k Munch verything from atures, to gettin gotiating who g g cre n ne ssions u do e s rd ca . Yo ipment, to fightinat a creature, oftehere are repercu turn. ry T u fe e t. q e v to d ns e ld ge best e team up ach shou ird happe can evenand how much e d something we at least silly. t of treasure g and losing, an lly frustrating, or nd it requires a loiends’ a in a for winn r happens is usu ame to pick up, mess up your fr e Whatevean be a difficult g whole point is toe same to you. Th , or It c end s th . The y the endhile everyone doeced until the veryam up to b rk o w w te oti team one can long unn at victory like it chances to win is going ano way that everyThe pace seems rns to tu . y s is a e d s w n re o e ou urp only up until th r than it s ggers ryone’s p setting it u, which is harde inutes, until eve en, the game sta s over o h e m y T c . t n ty a a in n e w nu defe d ing over over in tw er players could beot letting the oth into people argur, become frustrateto be s s e n d d y e a ly e la le p n p e sim tely, there , the gam not, every t makes on. Often . Most players, if t is made. Ultimaplicated, but tha every rulets until their poine things get com and shouciding factor onc g. some de more interestin Munchkin Although the ga actually just a simpl me legitimately sounds like a drug, it e card game. While is you’re in the mom though, Jungle Sp ent, eed can become a very possibly violent aff air. Players sit in a cir intense, aggressive, and cle and are given a cards with distinct stack of sym a wooden totem po bols on them. In the center of this cir le. The cards in each cle until they are put in stack remain face do lies to play by their ho wn lder. In clockwise or players flip over on der, e card at a time. As so that display the sa me symbol, the play on as two cards appear ers in possession of cards must have a showdown: a show those down to grab the totem in the center wooden of the circle as fast as possible. Obvio there will be only on usly, e grabber of the tote winner in this battle for the totem; th m can then give all e of their flipped over to the loser of the match. Ultimately, ca rds the rid of all of your ca rds first by winning goal of the game is to get the your opponents. Ju st make sure you do various showdowns with n’t break your mom table while you’re tugging on the tote ’s glass m.
A h , Po k er. Yo about u all k blu r isk , an ffing and fig now how m u d high -re war ur ing out yo ch fun it can on is th d u be r t e bett o ype sit uation dds in high- . I t ’s all The mo ing. s p . re s But the st fu have m par t I w sure, highuch mo n you can ha ant to ve re This wa fo c u s y, you c money than in a game of an pus anybod P lose. Th o k e r com he ye is coldest is the one sur xorbitant bet lse who is stil es when you s on pe e-fire w l in the nights o ay to g h Poker a of winter. et your ple who can’t and. lso allo friends afford t getting w to swe s you to richer. at in th o ex Ev money e to thro en if you’re no ercise that wh w arou o t allows le t h a id t ea o rich nd yo part of u to use mon in a game of P in reality, hav f the rich ey to m the pro ing ple oker m The ne letariat, will cu ake money ve akes you feel nty of xt mor you are ning, w rse your bloa ry easily. You rich, and it re r friend hen yo ted w studen minded that s, as t loans your gr u look into y allet. and po our ban andchil once u k d k e pon a t ime, yo r debts, at lea ren will be pa account, and u felt ric ying ba st you c c an smil h. e and s k your ay that ,
ck of cards (and s someone with a de Since everyone know mes to play. The ga ble e more accessi th of e on is ns oo Sp spoons), r of a kind, or to not first player to get fou e th To be to is int po whole d has been achieved. tice that four of a kin no se to r oo ye ch pla st t mu las s, e rd th ca be r o is previously dealt fou e card to her right. play, each person, wh th up g kin pic ile wh t e lef for a fast-paced game one card to pass to th e same time, making th in at is th es do e on Every more than four cards ing. It is illegal to have n oo sp a s ab gr n rso that gets pretty excit made, that pe is d kin a of r uld fou co is ce your hand. On else does too. Th e table, and everyone from the center of th used on their hand, foc is e since everyon , tly cre se ne do be r eithe tion and cause a rush to get everyone’s atten one loses, and is or obviously, in order ab rson who does not gr for the spoons. The pe ). ns oo sp 5 th wi y pla jumping over each eliminated (6 players deteriorate to people The game will quickly an fore yone reaches n, occasionally even be lowed by profanity, other to reach a spoo , fol is also quite common four of a kind. Yelling . ing quitt and infrequent rage-
The Journey Outweighs the Destination by Kayla Baltunis
riving, driving, driving. Everything around you blurs to nothingness — the trip seems monotonous. No tree is distinct, no curve is distinct — there is just a simple road, with nothing to see. And you’re alone. Sure, your music may keep you company, but a long, deep conversation with a friend would be nice. Plus, your legs and arms feel fatigued, and nothing seems better than being at your destination, getting up and stretching, and just knowing that you’ve made it. Driving to and from RPI certainly made me feel this way. I live only two hours south of Troy, but the drive would often seem tedious, especially if I would have to travel back the next day. One particular commute, however, changed my view of this trip. I was using GPS to get home, and usually the mechanism just directs me to the big interstates and highways of New York. This time, however, it wanted me to take a very specific exit about a half hour into my drive. There was no highway transfer. There was just a simple two-lane road that went on. I had a choice: to ignore the directions, and continue on the highway, or to take this other odd route, hoping that my GPS still was directing me to my house. I chose the latter. And fortunately for me, the alternate route worked very well in my favor. The route took exactly the same amount of time as the usual, and it was extremely more appealing than simply taking the highway home. The road stumbled across obscure towns in the countryside of New York, passing a series of farmlands, Victorian-style houses, and
mountains in the distance. There were miles upon miles of cornfields and apple orchards; house after house overlooking a spectacular view of the Catskill Mountains; and the road swayed with it all. The vibrant autumn leaves welcomed me as I drove by. And I was in complete awe of the beautiful, quaint little towns that I would have otherwise missed; had I just ignored the GPS, I would have never stumbled across one of the most amazing detours of my life. One simple, risky decision has now led to me taking this road every time I commute between RPI and home. Now, I have found myself with the urge to simply just drive around with no true destination. I have attempted this a few times before. I stumbled upon whatever awaited me; at times, the roads were unappealing, but at other times I found on my journey intriguing buildings, scenery, or even just a simple road with a beautiful sunset in front of me. Regardless
of what I passed, I was exploring what was out there. The possibilities of what I am going to find are endless. I could find an obscure alleyway or a small dirt road. I could find a neighborhood with uniformlooking buildings, or a neighborhood with multicolored buildings, plastered with artistic graffiti designs. And now, avid reader, I encourage you to attempt the same. Sure, the whole idea seems silly; ignore the fastest route home, and take some weird 45 mile-per-hour road in the middle of Nowhere, New York. Even more silly, just drive for fun with no true destination; see where you end up and what you pass, even if you end up in some sketchy part of Troy. But you really never know what may happen unless you try it. You may be pleasantly surprised, like I have been. I hope you are. And perhaps you will appreciate the old saying, “focus on the journey, not the destination.” I know I do now.
rf Statler & Waldo
rf Statler & Waldo
Volume 10, Issue 9
Photo: Kayla Baltunis
Sincerely, Beauregard “Big B” Manchester, Esq.
Statler & Waldor f
above commons (I mean that stuff is just irredeemable). I can only speculate as to what twisted thoughts entered “Bishop’s” unhinged mind when he decided to publish this article, so I will: he clearly intended to provoke some kind of student uprising to overthrow the Rathskellar so that he could claim the space for himself to open his own food court. Who knows what kind of horrors we would be eating if that came to pass? Can we really trust a man who would resort to slander as the humor editor of a college literary magazine? The answer to this question should be self-evident. I attempted to deliver my complaints to “Bishop” directly, but rather than providing any cogent response, he simply repeated things like “get out of my bathroom” and “let me shower in peace”. It is for this reason that I am left with no choice other than to contact the S&W editorial board directly. I hope that you will act accordingly in light of this.
22 March 2011
I spend a lot of time between classes sitting in the George Ansell Lounge on the second floor of the JEC. As such, I am an avid “reader” of S&W. I used to turn to the humor section for my fortnightly dose of comedic delights. It was always enough to bring a smile to my face in spite of whatever battery of exams and assignments lurked in the shadowy corners of my future. Unfortunately, in the past few issues, I’ve noticed a dramatic decline in the quality of your venerable publication — particularly in the humor section. A far cry from the pleasant and satisfying collection of musings and jokes that it was under the stewardship of Mr. Ferris, the humor section has, since the one called “Bishop” assumed the title of “humor editor” for S&W, become nothing short of a depraved carnival of hatred and pornography. Gone are the days when S&W published such classic works of humor as “Slightly Altered: Movies” and an interview with Jimmy McMillan (a true comic gem). Even
before he was editor, “Bishop” impinged on every conceivable sense of decency by, in issue 10.6, authoring a story about a mysterious man with cat-like features introducing HIV to a group of terrified children. Not only does the content of this article run entirely counter to all moral developments of the last thousand years of human civilization, but it is likely indicative of the bizarre thought patterns that are characteristic of serial killers and pedophiles. Since he has wrested the title of “humor editor” from its former owner, “Bishop” seems to have doubled his bold efforts to pass off tragedy as humor. In another act that seems to degrade the very notion of humor, “Bishop”, in issue 10.7, published an article that served no other purpose than to demean and humiliate the benevolent, hardworking men and women who serve in the Rathskellar. The article, titled “Renssepedia” is not so much a “pedia” as it is a kangaroo courtstyle conviction of a fine institution that serves food of quality that is certainly many orders of magnitude
e eeeee e
Dear S&W Editorial Board (Except Andrew Bishop),
Letter to the Editor
Latinus Schmatinus Latin Phrase
Sic Semper Tyrannis
“Thus always to tyrants”
“I strongly disagree with your views regarding slavery.”
“You are to have the body”
“It’s the cops! Quick! Hide the body!”
Deus ex Machina
“God out of the Machine”
“Yeah, they were all dreaming, within a dream, or something.”
“to the man”
“Your face is a bad argument.”
Volume 10, Issue 9
Quod erat demonstratum (Q.E.D.) “What was to be demonstrated” “Logic, bitch” Placebo
“I shall Please”
“It works, I promise”
“Seize the day”
“Get off your ass”
E Pluribus Unum
“Out of many, one”
“United we roll”
“You are so dumb, You are really dumb—for real.”
Cogito Ergo Sum
“I think therefore I am”
“Look at me. I’ve taken philosophy, tee-hee.”
Get Your Mind out of the Troylet If RPI were a Porno Deep EMPAC: $220 Million Dollars of Wood Sage Girls Gone Mild: Down the Hill but Not to Fill
rf Statler & Waldo
rf Statler & Waldo
Bartons of Dicks: Call Hall for Balls Stick it in your Crocket: Like a Rocket in Your Pocket Houston Bath House: Careful, Slippery When Wet Bray for Pay: Mo Money, Mo Bitches Union Pee Board: R. Kelly Approved Pubic Safety: STD-free or GTFO Right Hand Rule: Take the Curl and Apply the Force Foursome Library: You Won’t Like the Ratio
Students will still have access to all the amenities school dining halls have to offer. There will be beverages. Plates and silverware will also be available. Although food
won’t be found in dining halls on Fridays, there will still be plenty of options for sustenance. The McNeil room, the Rathskellar, and even dumpsters will be opwn to all students. A representative from Sodexo had this to say: “It’s all the fun! . . . without the food.” Foodless Fridays come as a result of the work of the Student Sustainability Task Force which has worked with Sodexo in the past on projects like Face the Waste. “They wanted us to reduce our waste. Well, we heard them.”
RPI students are very familiar with the flyers and advertisements that line the 15th street footbridge. After the recent destruction of the second set of signholders by hoodlums, the Union Executive Board is motioning to replace the fragile plexiglass with something more advanced. The E-board and Student Senate recently approved the addition to the budget of replacing the signholders with Concerto monitors. President of the Union Mike Spitz said on the subject: “We felt that the previous method of club advertisements and campus announcements was passé. We sought out a more
durable, cheaper alternative to our old sign-holders. LCD screens immediately came to mind. We just hope it doesn’t rain too often.” The new monitors will run 24/7 and will be fixed along both sides of the footbridge. Although the twentyfive new monitors were installed a few days ago, the new system’s formal unveiling is scheduled for Friday. However, to the ‘tute’s chagrin, all the monitors were stolen by Troylets within seven minutes. A new order for replacement screens was placed immediately. In other news, the Union Activity fee is projected to rise by 25 percent next year.
Mike Agnew, Andrew Bishop, Andrew Carl, Patricia Di Pietro, Bobby Ferris, Zachary Fishman, Dan Hakimi, Jared Salvadore, Tripp Spivey
Statler & Waldor f
S&W Humor Staff:
22 March 2011
Following up on the momentum garnered by the new, sustainable practices of “Meatless Mondays,” Sodexo recently announced its intention of adopting a new alliterative day to fight food waste: “Foodless Fridays.” This new policy, while keeping Dining Halls fully operational, will cut food waste by as much as 15 percent, as no food will be served.
h h h hh
KITCHEN by Kevin Lee
I meet someone today in the auditorium. It’s empty except for us . . . our voices echoing through the vacant rows of old cushioned seats the stuffing showing out of some of them and the clanging of cold ancient pipes, rusty and struggling to crank the heat out through the building. The supersonic rush of water whizzing through pipes somewhere like a distant band of ghoulish trumpets . . . She is chillingly familiar, a haunting recognition; the breath snatched out from my chest. A snippet of some old lost song sung long ago coming back to me now in a strange shadowy alleyway, dejavu. I can feel her in the me of me’s like a shared past, my sister-soul always there. The alien presence felt since childhood, a spirit, a voice without a body . . . a secret memory unlocked. She is the girl from all those songs I heard growing up, but there I go falling in love again like the hopeless romantic and here I go now acting like I know it all, been through it all before, nothing’s new, nothing I haven’t already realized and figured out . . . yeah falling in love again, that’s it, that’s all it is, wouldn’t be the first time, wouldn’t even be the dozenth time but this time (yes this is what I always say) this time feels so different, like everything has been building up to this moment, waiting until these two souls meet (or this one soul is made complete like finding complementary pieces in a jigsaw puzzle), brick by brick, mortar by mortar, pillar by pillar and now it’s erected, ready to cut the tape and open the doors to the public. . . . the one. Walking home is the most beautiful setting sun . . . God’s golden platter slowly sinking in a sea of divine dream-colored molasses. It’s surrounded by glowing clouds lighting up orange and surreal like a Dali and in the eastern sky away from the sun they’re smoke gray and blue like cobalt and cornflower, with puffs of dusty pink and cold orange flame where the sun is touching them melting and mixing at once so subtle and so defined and the pale Cheshire cat purple in the background holding it all together—totally sublime . . . makes me gasp and wonder if the sky always looks like this this time of day but every sunset is different so I’m told.
I wonder if they’re all this beautiful, this memorable . . . but the air is cold and almost wet, (snow on the way) you can see it in the sky and the wind is blowing fast. Up there the clouds are racing but down here it’s slower, barely perceptible but you can hear it when you walk under the old willow tree, hissing through the dry dead leaves stubborn and still fixed to the branches; like when I was a kid making the Florida lizards bite on my ear and they would latch on, just hanging there. They wouldn’t let go, the pure instinct of the reptile mind taking over, controlling and filling the whole being devoted to one thought, one function . . . These dry dead leaves in the cold winter wind it’s a sound like water or sand but nothing compares, a sound that is uniquely the sound of cold air going through the dry dead leaves of winter . . . one of those ubiquitous unforgettable sounds that once you get used to it you don’t even really hear it anymore unless you really try, so in that sense it’s forgettable, but once it’s gone you miss it and you remember it and that never goes away so it’s unforgettable too . . . like the interminable roar of the ocean on the beach, the ebb and flow of the tide going up the sand and back again or the invariable hum of faraway traffic, individual cars whooshing by one after the other cutting the air forever . . . the mixed sound of different voices and footsteps in a crowded room or a city square, the metal clash of dishes pots and pans and silverware in a busy kitchen.
Photo submitted by Lydia Campis
Romeo and Juliet by Nechelle Bennett
The young female heart flutters with such passion, Out in the open with no shield to protect itself, Wounded in the tormented battle of love. The will to beat on becomes faint, As the pain from the open wounds grow ever heavier on the young soul. Oh how her young spirit yearns for his touch, But his warmth is felt by another. The once clear world is now blurred by fervent tears, Life itself seems as if it would stop . . . or pause for a brief moment, As the wounded heart tries to heal itself. But what the young girl can’t see, Is the one who stands there waiting, Wanting to enclose her in his ardent embrace, To warm her frigid heart, To mend what has been broken, And to forever love her with ardor. But time is a far greater distance than the eye can see, And with it lies the key to happiness, The key to passion, The key to an undying love.
Photo submitted by Lydia Campis
Winter as a Collage Submitted by Kayla Baltunis