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April 1, 2005

The Newspaper of the Johns Hopkins University Nitze School of Advanced International Studies

Volume 4 No. 3

Dupont Smoking Metro Station C to be renamed

banned in Nitze Courtyard




he Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority (WMATA) has recently announced plans to rename the Dupont Circle metro station in order to better conform to transit riders’ preferences. Citing the popularity of station names like Vienna/Fairfax-GMU; Woodley Park—Zoo/ Adams Morgan; Mt Vernon Sq/7th StConvention Center; and U St/African-American Civil War Memorial/ Cardozo; WMATA boardmembers have proposed adding a more descriptive name to the SAIS-proximate station. “We found passengers were confused and dissatisfied with the vague and simplistic station name. The lack of arbitrary punctuation simply leaves the eye without guidelines,” said Transportation Commissioner Montaren Velo. “Additionally, a multiplicity of referents serves as a stimulus for conversation. If I tell you that I’ll meet you by the Shaw station and you respond that you’d rather meet by Howard University station, it may take a minute to figure out that we’re talking about the same place. ‘Dupont Circle’ doesn’t allow for that repartee.” The current proposal is to call the station Dupont CircleKramerbooks/Philips Collection/Brookings/S AIS, though WMATA will leave space on the station’s signs for future expansion. Michael Locke is a 2nd year M.A. student concentrating in Global Theory

iting complaints filed by the staff of the Embassy of Uzbekistan and the Berlin Wall Preservation and Memory Foundation (BWPMF), the District of Columbia Department of Health has slapped SAIS with a three-year ban on smoking in the Nitze courtyard. The ban will take effect on April 2, 2005, and will come up for review in February 2008. In a confidential statement sent secretly to the SAIS administration on March 25, 2005, and leaked to the SAIS Observer shortly afterwards, the Department of Health announced that “in view of the legitimate health concerns of the staff of the Uzbek embassy, as well as the preservation concerns of the BWPMF, the Department of Health of the District of Columbia has no choice but to implement a ban on smoking in the front courtyard of 1740 Massachusetts Avenue, in order to eliminate the deleterious effects that ambient cigarette smoke is now known to have on the health of the Uzbek staff, as well as on the long-term preservation quality of the Berlin wall section on the premises.” According to sources within the Department of Health, officials from the Uzbek embassy first filed a petition for the ban on January 14, 2005.

Because several of the Uzbek staff working on the east side of the embassy are chronically asthmatic, and because communications between the various floors of the embassy are frequently made by leaning out of the windows

year to install a new ventilation system that will draw in air from the space above the Nitze courtyard. The petition, which was filed with the help of D.C. law firm Swain Kragg Schoss Hopps & Guilder, bases its claims chiefly on an obscure 19th century D.C. law designed to protect shellfish harvesters from harmful swamp gases in the Chesapeake marshlands. Before filing the petition, Ambassador Teshbanov sought to bolster his case by appealing to an acquaintance of his, Dr. Karl Zeitschel, who is Chairman of the Berlin Wall Preservation and Memory Foundation. The charismatic and controversial Dr. Zeitschel, an industrial engineer and art collector from Bonn whose parents were the only Germans killed trying to tunnel under the Wall into East Berlin, immediately called in a team of scientists to assess the potential harm done by cigarette smoke to the section of the wall which has stood in the Nitze courtyard since the German government dedicated it to SAIS in November 1997.

and shouting, they have long complained about second-hand plumes from SAIS smokers. However, Uzbek Ambassador Fatikh Teshbanov was finally prompted to file a petition after the embassy completed plans late last

After conducting several days of tests, the scientists found that the heavy concentration of cigarette smoke in the Nitze courtyard has caused the surface of the Berlin wall panel to „

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Wolfowitz to head the World Bank Ex-SAIS dean’s appointment inspires hope, criticism BY CAROLINE CULLINANE

by asserting that Wolfowitz had been “the best US ambassador to Indonesia,” implying that his experience in that developing country prepares him well to carry out the Bank’s mission. In the last week, Germany, Italy, and Japan have all declared their support for Wolfowitz, though the tacit understanding is that in exchange for their blessing, the new World Bank chief will appoint a European as his number two.


n March 16 President Bush announced his nomination of former SAIS dean and current Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz to head the World Bank. Dr. Wolfowitz will replace James Wolfensohn, who is departing after a 10-year term as president. While Wolfowitz has yet to be confirmed by the Bank’s board of governors, most observers anticipate that this will be a simple formality.

He is a man without international development experience. He has not demonstrated an interest in the international commitments to the fight against extreme poverty.

I have known Paul Wolfowitz personally and professionally for a long time. He is a person of high intellect, integrity and broad experience in both the public and private sectors.

- Jeffrey Sachs Earth Institute Columbia University

- James Wolfensohn, current World Bank president Many fear that Wolfowitz will use the Bank as an instrument to further President Bush’s foreign policy objectives. Immediately following the announcement, several EU finance ministers went on record to express “concerns” about the selection of a leading neo-conservative Pentagon insider to head the world’s leading agency for aid and development. Yet British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw countered these misgivings

For many, Wolfowitz’s nomination recalled the post-Vietnam career of Robert McNamara, who headed the Bank from 1968 to 1981. According to BBC News, it “was described by campaign group the World Development Movement as ‘truly terrifying’.” President Bush, however, described his nominee as “a compassionate, decent man.”

Guys, lemme make this clear, Indonesia is a developing country.

Caroline Cullinane is a 1st year M.A. student concentrating in Middle East Studies

April 1, 2005


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Marion Barry to speak at Commencement SGA replaces dour Rubin with charismatic ex-DC mayor BY ALEX KLIMENT

Much beloved by his constituents, however, Barry was promptly reelected mayor upon his release from prison in 1994. In 1998, he announced his retirement from politics, but last fall decided to run for the Ward 8 City council seat, winning 96% of the vote.



n response to SAIS students’ apparently lukewarm response to the selection of former Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin as 2005 commencement speaker, the Student Government Association (SGA) and SAIS administration have replaced Rubin with D.C. ex-mayor, and ex-convict, Marion Barry.

The SGA issued the following statement to clarify its new choice:

After a story in these pages last December (“Is Rubin Sexy Enough For SAIS?” SAIS Observer December 7, 2004) exposed widespread sentiment among SAIS students that the Rubin was insufficiently charismatic, the SGA began a comprehensive search for a replacement speaker, reviewing the nomination lists that it received from the SAIS community last fall. After finding that neither former U.S. President Bill Clinton nor U2 frontman Bono was willing to reconsider their initial decisions to decline SAIS’ invitation, SGA opted to look closer to home, sending an emissary to Barry’s offices in DC’s 8th Ward, where he has been a city Councilman since November 2004. After several weeks of negotiations regarding compensation and security arrangements, Councilman Barry accepted. Marion Barry has towered over DC municipal politics for a quar-

Former Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Barry is sure to light it up at the 2005 SAIS Commencement ceremony.

ter of a century, beginning his political career as a fiery student civil rights activist in the 1960s and city Councilman in the mid1970s. In March 1977 he famously took a bullet in the chest while defying a black Muslim group’s siege of city hall. He built his constituency from the hitherto politically neglected poor and predominantly African-

SAIS to establish

American areas around Anacostia, and was sent to the mayor’s mansion four times, beginning in 1978. He was a fierce and admired defender of the downtrodden, though he often played somewhat cynically at race politics and was frequently embroiled in scandals concerning his reported fondness for illicit narcotics and sex workers.

Barry is perhaps best known outside DC for being captured on camera smoking crack-cocaine in a Washington DC hotel room in 1990, as part of an FBI sting operation that sent him to jail for a short period. Referring to a female acquaintance who assisted the authorities in conducting the sting op, Barry famously lamented, “goddamn setup . . . I’ll be goddamn . . . bitch set me up.”

“While Secretary Rubin is a distinguished public servant with a wealth of experience at the highest levels of national and international politics, our democratic inclinations compel us to respect the sentiments of the students whom we represent. Former Mayor Marion Barry is not only a respected politician and charismatic speaker, he has first hand local experience with many of the issues — political Islam, drug trafficking, human trafficking and prostitution, and economic development — that we at SAIS study only in an international context. Moreover, his story of redemption is an uplifting reminder of the resilience of the human spirit and the malleability of electoral politics.” Alex Kliment is a 1st year M.A. student, concentrating in Russian & Eurasian Studies and Energy Policy. He is co-editor of the SAIS Observer, and worked as an “odds-and-ends” intern for Mayor Barry in 1990.

Marxist Studies Department

New economic concentration and core to focus on Leftist thought, proletarian struggle

Fukuyama sees ‘potential synergies’ but Weiss sees ‘more of the same garbage’


grads who plan to enter the private sector, after all, how else will they know how to bargain fairly with labor?”


n early April, Dean Jessica Einhorn will announce the establishment of a new Department of Marxist Studies at SAIS. The department will be fully funded by a grant of $55 million received in early 2005 from a private British donor who asked to remain anonymous. The department, to comprise one full-time tenured chair and two adjunct professors, will initially be a specialization within International Economics. A faculty search is already underway, and will be complete by mid-summer.

Professor Piero Gleijeses, contacted while on sabbatical in Cuba, was similarly enthusiastic. “Perhaps my American Foreign Policy since 1945 core can be incorporated into the new course of study,” he said. “I see many potential synergies with the International Development concentration” said Professor Francis Fukuyama, who was recently named to head the I-Dev department. “My students, to say nothing of guys like Charlie Krauthammer, would only benefit from a more thorough grounding in dialectical materialism. ”

Students pursuing the specialization will be able to opt out of taking the core economics classes in favor of a set of courses within the department. Though a firm curriculum is not yet in place, Microeconomics will be replaced by a class called Surplus Value and Labor, while an in-depth course on infant industry protectionism will supplant International Trade Theory. In addition, a fifth optional core exam will be offered: Proletarian Struggle and Labor Organization 1848 - Present. “SAIS is a diverse school, in both the composition of its student body and in its curriculum,” said Dean Einhorn. “With the establishment of this department, we are finally rectifying what I felt was a grave oversight in our economics offerings. Plus, as Marxist thought seems to be enjoying a resurgence in the social sciences, we feel it is important that our students be wellversed in Marxist thought. This is crucial even for SAIS

Not all SAIS faculty were as supportive, however. Economics professor Frank D. Weiss, when informed about the new program, simply wheezed slightly and added, “It’s just more of the same garbage. It’s all the substitution effect anyway. In Marxist societies people just substitute towards laziness.” Then, placing his hand on the top of his head and slowly mangling the front of his hair, the veteran SAIS econ prof then added, “ I would encourage SAIS students, who know a thing or two about substituting towards laziness, to substitute some other garbage for this concentration.”

They will hold office hours on the fourth floor.

Damir Marusic is a 2nd year M.A. student, concentrating in International Policy.


April 1, 2005

Page 3

World Bank to buy SAIS BY KUMUDA DORAI

once they graduate.”


The spokesman added, “If that seems a bit much, think of the tradeoff being the message of superior quality that the new brand ‘WBN-SAIS’ brings to every student’s résumé when he or she applies for job in the real world.”

ashington, D.C. - The World Bank announced today that it has bought a majority stake in the Johns Hopkins University School of Advanced International Affairs, in a deal that was reportedly finalized over the span of two phone calls, three cups of coffee, two empanadas from Julia’s and a Norwegian Krumkake cookie at the Bank’s cafeteria of international cuisine. As of September 1, 2005, the school will be renamed the World Bank Paul H. Nitze School of Advanced International Affairs, or WBN SAIS, to be pronounced “Wibbin SAIS.” According to an official spokesperson from the Bank, “The SAIS takeover is part of the broader Bank mission to fight poverty and improve the living standards of people worldwide. After years of simply being the world’s banker, we at the Bank have come to realize the necessity of a more handson approach in order to achieve our goals. The new pre-emptive poverty doctrine, as detailed under our new Millennium Plus One Agenda (details available online on the World Bank site under the Millennium Agenda), is indicative of the new and improved World Bank.” When asked why the Bank had focused on a takeover of SAIS as the first step in their Millennium Plus One Agenda, the spokesman respond


AIS students Yoshino Funaki and Rick Neal will be married on April 16th at the Founding Church of Scientology, Washington DC. The Rev. Dr. Franklin B. Cho-Ma, a former Baptist minister and professor of religion and Eastern Oriental studies at the University of Maryland, will preside. Mrs. Funaki, 26, is a second year Master of Arts degree candidate at the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS), where she is pursuing a concentration in General International Relations Theory. After a promising start in her first year at the Bologna campus, during which she attended five of her semester’s lectures, she may now defer graduation until 2007.

ed, in jest, “the combined debt of SAIS students amounts to the debt of a small country like Guinea Bissau. Taking over SAIS is just like taking over a debt-ridden country West African country, except it’s not a country, and it’s located in Washington, D.C. But what’s important is the debt… it’s the same size. No seriously, though, the World Bank is eager to work more closely with what, essentially, is our primary talent feeder.” According to Bank spokesman, SAIS students need not be alarmed about how the takeover would affect their quality of education. “For the most part, things will remain just as they were before. The Bank involvement will, however, mean that students will be subject to greater efficiency requirements during their SAIS careers, which means that students will have to undergo periodic Performance Assessment Reports throughout their academic program, and yearly Impact Evaluation Reports



n order to broaden the student body’s familiarity with religion’s impact on world affairs, SAIS has announced that beginning in 2007 it will open a jointdegree program with Bob Jones University (BJU) in Greenville, South Carolina. BJU is a Christian institution known for the strongly Evangelical underpinnings of its academic program.

The Bank also plans to use SAIS as a testing ground for the new easy-loan cash machines it hopes to patent by 2007. “When you withdraw cash, in place of a receipt, the machine prints up a contract detailing the terms of the loan — drawing up career goals, deadlines of completion and interest rates according to the concentration of the student. Obviously, I-Dev students will be subject to slightly stricter terms,” the spokesman added.

Modeled on the existing dual-degree programs with the Wharton Business School and the Stanford Law School, the program will last three-years and culminate with a Master of Arts in Religion and International Relations. Nevaeh Gilchrist (SAIS ’73), a Baptist minister and seasonal shepherd from D.C., has been appointed as SAIS Director of Ministries, with oversight for the new program. In a statement released to the press, Minister Gilchrist expressed his enthusiasm for the new union:

The SAIS takeover is not a step out of the ordinary in US academic history, and is modeled on the endowment that created Columbia University’s Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science in 1997. As historian Richard Hofstadter wrote in 1952, “It has been the fate of American higher education to develop in a pre-eminently businesslike culture.”

“Too often, when people outside the U.S. think of South Carolina, the first thing that comes to mind is the rich Gullah creole culture, or Charleston’s historic role as a meeting-ground for people of different faiths, including the establishment of America’s first Reform Jewish congregation. The SAIS-BJU program strives to achieve an awareness of Sow Kakalaka’s awesome responsibility for evangelizing the One True Faith and our dream of facilitating this endeavor.”

Kumuda Dorai is a 1st year M.A. student concentrating in South Asia Studies and Emerging Markets. She is co-editor-in-chief of the SAIS Observer, and is thrilled about having ‘Wibbin SAIS’ on her résumé.

WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT Mr. and Mrs. Yoshimaro Funaki are proud to announce the successful marrying off of their youngest daughter Yoshino to Mr. Rick Neal Thursday, March 31 at 10 O’ Clock in the morning The Founding Church of Scientology Washington, D.C.

Dean Einhorn, in a recent interview, explained that the new union was undertaken for two reasons. “First, we wanted to balance out the leftward academic ballast added by the new Marxist studies program (see page 2), and second, I think we all agreed that as religion— particularly zealously evangelical religion—has moved back into the political limelight in both domestic and international affairs, SAIS students must be fully fluent in the culture of Christian conservatism if they hope to understand and influence the contours of international relations going forward.”

suffering. His friends like to say that he holds a doctorate in small talk with a specialization in amusing anecdotes. He also speaks fluent Moroccan Arabic, which he has found largely useless except for communicating with turkeys and earning supplemental income as a KlingonEnglish translator. “It really is perfect,” said Yoshi, smitten after Rick’s smokily romantic proposal to her over a Bahraini and a spinach pie at Azela Shisha café several weeks ago.

Mr. Neal, 38, is a student in the Master of International Public Policy program, and is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

“I wanted someone who could do everything Mr. Darcy does. You know, from Pride and Prejudice. And he ticked all the right boxes. Tick, tick, tick, what a catch! And you know, Rick’s ancestors, on both sides, were pilgrims, which means our children will be more Caucasian. Mummy is so happy.”

Having served as a humanitarian relief worker in such harrowing corners of the world as Azerbaijan, Congo, Cambodia, Jordan, and Burundi, Mr. Neal is an expert in global human

The wedding reception, to which all SAIS students and faculty are invited, will be held at Cobalt on 17th and R. The bride and groom have registered at the CVS on Dupont Circle.

Yoshi Funaki and Rick Neal are to marry on March 31.

SAIS will begin joint-degree with Bob Jones Univ.

Students at BJU, where the new dual-program was announced last week, were slightly less enthusiastic. Kerry Klarenaugen, 20, of Wichita Kansas, expressed wariness of studying in Washington DC, which she said frightened her because of what she called an “aggressively liberal and atheistic bias on the street.” However, most BJU students were reassured when it was announced that, as part of the dual degree deal, SAIS would convert the Rome Auditorium into a twenty-four hour prayer room. Michael Locke is a 2nd year M.A. student concentrating in Global Theory

Smoking ban in Nitze „

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decay seventeen times faster than it would have under normal urban air pollution conditions. After receiving the results several weeks ago, Dr. Zeitschel told Der Spiegel that, “our position is clear; the Americans and their European will not be permitted to sully our history with their vices.” There is no indication as to whether SAIS will appeal the Department of Health’s decision, and neither the Department, nor the Uzbek Embassy, nor the SAIS administration would make official statements for this story. However, one official from the Department, who asked not to be named, indicated that in the course of the Department’s investigation, it had uncovered possible grounds for banning the consumption of alcohol on SAIS premises, citing the school’s numerous violations of D.C. liquor laws during its weekly “Happy Hour.” Alex Kliment is a 1st year M.A. student, concentrating in Russia & Eurasia Studies and Energy Policy. He is coEditor-in-Chief of the SAIS Observer.

Oh yes.... April Fools’! - AKF and the rest of the Observer Staff


Caroline Cullinane is a 1styear M.A. student concentrating in Middle East Studies Citing the popularity of station names like Vienna/Fairfax...