ISSUE03 04 ISSUE
“my vow to now!” It was an interesting time. I was living a gypsy life; living in my van. It was around 3AM, and I was on a 10 hour drive to a festival in the middle of nowhere. It was a clear winter evening and the sky was wide. I flew down the endless highway in my ever so funky 1978 Hi-Ace Van of Glory, not completely sure about my location but trusting I was about half way there and on the right path. Suddenly, a spectacular and somewhat explosive sound came from the engine of my beloved van/house.
I simmered in the contamination of my present moment with the stillness of the winter night as my backdrop. I climbed into the back of my van and in amongst the circus which was my life- fire toys, stiltz, paint, crystals, jewelry, guitars, NOW clocks and canvases- I made some space. Clearly, I needed to have a meeting with my mind. In a ritualistic moment, I lit a candle.
I watched my mind. It went back into the past where I should have looked after my van better, then it shot out into the future to think out some sort of solution. Now, I am no mechanic but I know the sound of a death when I hear it. I let the van roll as far as it could, Should have? Could have! What if? What NOW? I until I pulled over and just sat there on the side of the watched the phenomenon of my mind leaping around the content of my consciousness like a wild animal road. The rapid drop of temperature in the lifeless locked in a cage. I caught a creative moment and vehicle, corresponded perfectly with my energetic named my behavior. “Momenterrorism”, Yes! I could descent into a melancholic NOW. The silence was see it clearly printed in dictionaries of the future. loud, for a moment... but just as the Present Moment *Momenterrorism. noun, The contamination of the presented itself to me in all it’s naked NOWness, my mind promptly started filling it with the white noise of present moment through fear, doubt, lack, loss, worry, scarcity. etc. “I am currently being a Momenterrorist, my life. disrespecting the potential of my present moment by parking on the side of the road in a pile of my life’s Facts: I have no phone reception. I have about $6 to content that does not serve me.” Holy shit! my name. I just encouraged the ending of a 10 year relationship with my partner. My heart is heavy and I I stopped in the NOW, and in attempt to invite know I am creating my f#@&ing reality. So how, Kat some sort of wisdom to take over, I emptied my Dawes, have you managed to manifest this perfect mind of a very inflamed judgement I had of myself; disaster? How is it that you are still living in a van? inducing stillness. Wisdom must be stored in my How is it that even as you apparently commit to a brain somewhere? I scanned the cosmos. Then with ‘spiritual practice’ your life can reflect such poverty and lack of excellence? How is it Kat Dawes, that with my eyes closed, I saw his face - one of my favorite all your creative genius, you are in this moment? THIS teachers of all time - Rev Dr Michael Bernard Beckwith. His smiling face asked me a question, “What is trying moment! NOW?!!! to emerge from you? What do you need to become? I contemplated. Violently. I have read the books and what is NOWism? done my affirmations. I have been to the seminars, made vision boards and collected gratitude rocks. I have fasted, stood on my head, joined the list and I bought the tee shirt. Auuuummmmm. I know the information, and have invested in the path. I have been soaking it up for years! From Wayne Dyer to Deepak Chopra, The Law of Attraction to Quantum Physics. Sacred Geometry, Kabbalah, Christianity, Buddhism, Taoism... you name it, I’ve dabbled in it, so how is it that in this moment, when the shift hits the fan, I can’t access even the most basic principles of universal wisdom? How have I created this at all?