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From The Desk April. A day of fools that seemed to stretch on for a month. First the revolutions died down, like the oppressed peoples of Libya put down their arms and said that they were just kidding. The government, seemingly fooling us for so long by resolving to not do anything about the whole 2G situation, arrested Kalmadi-G. And Satya Sai Baba apparently couldn’t wait to tell god about this and croaked. Somewhere closer to home, we now drop all pretenses of not giving you news by beginning with a long, long piece on the Future of Tech. We welcome a few newer writers in our ranks, and according to our site stats, a large number of new readers too. We’ve only grown since our beginning in January and can only go higher. We scrapped the Top Ten sections because we don't think that the entire spectrum of pop culture can be summarized in an article with only ten entries. And it's sodding hard to get the writers coordinated. So, as we discuss the future of the magazine in a shady helicopter with Rupert Murdoch, we raise our glasses of 1959 Claret Vignon and toast our minions- i mean, readers. We love you guys. As for the rather morbid colour choice, it's because the fossa is a catlike, carnivorous mammal that is endemic to Madagascar.


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Contributors 1. Sukanya Banerjee: Guide to being a pseudo-intellectual 2. Saahil Dama: The big, fat, massive, humongous, Indian wedding


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Guide to being a Pseudo-Intellectual

- Sukanya Banerjee

INTRO: Epigram presents to you an amazing (ex) image guru (who was sacked from her previous job and offered to work for free) to give you tips on just the people you want to become! Her comprehensive lists would guide you to a better personality, with more confidence! (Insert excess sales talk HERE) The Pseudo’s guide to being an Intellectual: 1. Get the look. Cotton kurtas with jeans and a jhola work well for both guys and girls. Guys, don’t shave, don’t comb. You’re too busy worrying about the cultural development of the nation to be bothered about such trivial details. Girls, leave your hair to itself. It is representative of the free spirit with you. Alternately, tie it all up in a knot- you need to get it out of the way and you don’t have time for much else. Kohl, bindi, silver jewellery and leather chappals are of course, part of the jazz.

Yesterday’s genius Today’s genius

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2. Carry a fiction book- thick, and preferably critically acclaimed. Stay clear of chick lits, popular fiction, self-helps and the latest edition of Epigram.

Especially these. 3. Always sport a pad and a pen; extra marks if the pen is not the usual blue/ black. You believe in defying conventions. Use these to doodle and write down stray thoughts and drafts of future classics. NEVER show your pad to anyone. It’s private. (Actually no, it’s blank.) 4. An intellectual always believes in promoting handicraft industries of India. So wear top quality khadi. Hand-woven and hand stitched. Your notepad is made of handmade paper. The silver jewellery you wear is bought off Delhi haat and Fabindia; handmade by the poor hardworking craftsmen. Also start reading the handmade version of Epigram released only for special readers at a higher price.

You might want to weave it on your own too.


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5. You are also very concerned about the environment and strongly believe in recycling. You recycle paper, clothes, boxes of all shapes and sizes. Also gifts and ideas. 6. Practice sarcasm on a daily basis. The simplest way to be sarcastic is to give an irritating plastic smile whenever someone cracks a joke. Their humour is way below your standards, and you wouldn’t waste yours on them.

Extra marks for displaying teeth.

7. For future reference, you never watch television. You find out everything about the shows from the entertainment sections of the newspaper. Of course, you read the rest of the paper too; only the sad state of things upset you. So you refrain from discussing them. *insert emotional sigh here* 8. Also, you love coffee. Especially strong coffee with brown sugar (not the drug you fool!). 9. Remember- you read books, write essays and watch plays in your free time. Yes, for fun. 10. Finally, ALWAYS support gay rights and inter-caste marriage. Feminism is stale. You support REAL gender equality. No, you don’t need to know what that means. Just emphasize on “real” and shake your head in disbelief if someone asks you explain that. Also, make it a point to specify that you’re straight.

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The Black Issue

The Big, Fat, Indian Marriage

- Saahil Dama An Indian arranged marriage is the second worst place to spend a day in. The first is trapped in a cage with a starved crocodile, but that is another story. Indian weddings are the reason why people are going for same gender marriages nowadays. It salvages them of all the hassles and public embarrassment which takes place in the former scenario. But heaven forbid, if you do end up at a great Indian wedding, even as a mere spectator, be on the watch for the following people because under no circumstances would you want to be within a hundred meter radius of them. Trust me. 1. Historians - The problem is not that they know it all. The problem is that they love blurting it all out. They take immense pleasure in revealing secrets about you that you thought were dead and buried, like how you shat your pants and then cried, or how you cried when you got your first tetanus, and then laughing like a banshee. They laugh, everyone laughs and you are expected to laugh along. 2. Kids - I swear that they are the Devil reincarnate. Running around with their tiny feet, pushing people out of their way, enthralling people with their obstreperous behaviour and bewitching them with their smile; they do their job well. And the fight isn't even evenly matched because there are millions of them and even if you do as much as scratch them they will begin crying like you cut their leg off, leaving you hoping that you actually had.

Picture this. But freakier.


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3. Long lost and left for dead Aunties - Marriages turn out to be quite a discovery expedition at times. You find aunties you never knew you had, and wish you didn't. They still call you Chinki, Guddu, Champu and other such names that you gave up with your tricycle. They will pull your cheeks, ruffle your hair, and make statements like you have become tall or you are sprouting a moustache. Like you didn't know. They also ask questions like, do you remember me, I saw you when you were one, or why don't you talk much, are you scared? No aunty, for one, I do not remember you, maybe because I was one then. And for another, I am not scared because I don't believe in Godzilla anymore. 4. The Priest - This is what Rajnikant would look like if he was starved for two weeks and allowed to have a bath once a month for a year. He is the guy with the front row seats for the annihilation of two lives. A skeleton thin, shirtless man who pretends as though he is the world's greatest hunk. He chants spells in a ghastly monotone that sounds like he is cursing with untuned saxophone stuck down his throat. He is supposed to bless the 'swans in love' but judging by the way most marriages turn out, he could as well be damning them for eternity. 5. Band - They call themselves the 'Sajandev Band', the 'Veeru Brothers' and other names that sound even worse than Black Eyed Peas. They play as though they have descended from Beethoven. Very deafly, that is. Totally oblivious to the carnage that they cause in their path. And it won't be only one person playing one instrument. A dozen will play the same trumpet or percussion. Like one wasn't bad enough, together they sound like a goat being slaughtered. A goat with a bad case of tonsillitis. 6. Dancers - Junkies. Or really really lost people. Because a marriage isn't just the place for them. They should be somewhere in the Amazon where they can find more of their sort, because the happiness they get when The Band starts playing is beyond what Columbus got when he discovered America. They won't dance alone, either. What is joy and sorrow that isn't shoved into other people's faces? They will force statues, patients of paralysis, dead bodies and everyone else they can get their hands on to dance with them. 7. Cryos - The last time I checked, marriages were supposed to be a good thing. A reason for letting the beast inside you out for a while. One of the

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several dozen of your unwanted children is going away, hopefully forever. The event demands rejoicement. But there will be these emo mothers, semi-dead grandmothers and people you never saw in your life shedding tears, like The Simpsons was called off the television. Why be sad? It is not like you married your child of to a pig or something. The pain would be understandable then. No hamburgers. Or, maybe they are crying because they couldn't get the entire bunch married off at the same time. Likely.

Man getting colonoscopy or marriage? You decide!

Marriages are definitely not for the faint hearted. You can never predict when an elephantic aunt will crush you in her orangutan arms, or when a dancing horse will trample you to death. Do not go to them, even if it is your own. Marry online, on the phone, or even an animal; anything to prevent this macabre festival from happening.

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