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Sex and the Wedding When you have made a promise, you can still have a private life but not a secret life. Why? You are lying to yourself when you’re lying to your partner. Don’t lie. It is the seed to personal doubt and personal prison. Sex before, during and after marriage has as its counterpoint the faithfulness notion of adultery. By considering a larger and more truthful version for adultery – namely truth between dynamically interactive partners – you may have a chance at avoiding its damage. Ethically speaking, adultery is not good. However, adultery’s temptations can lead us to personal growth and deep interpersonal intimacy. The route is the truth, not some notions of privacy or normal or abnormal. How? Be honest with yourself first and with your partner as well. Courageously commit to your relationship as a married couple. Put forth the effort to sow that tender longing you initially felt for your lover, when the stars were first in your eyes and you chose to say “I Do.” Couples getting married will continue to talk about whether their sexual relationship

24 Rainbowweddingnetwork MAGAZINE

qualifies as normal. They may even be people who identify themselves as queer, which is a marvelously adamant way of saying we are ‘not normal.’ My favorite understanding of sex is that it is a behavior that allows us to be focused for a while. In a world of a thousand stimulations, the ability to stop multi-tasking for a while is rare. Sex is simultaneous attention, not split attention. Sex focuses our attention at its best and minimizes distraction at its second best. For people about to marry, which is to say add commitment to the mutual pleasuring of their bodies, talking to each other about our hopes for sex is the best route to intimacy. If we can assure each other that we are okay snuggling, or okay talking, or okay giving a massage that doesn’t lead to more, we may even find ourselves catharting. In other words, less pressure is more freedom, especially when partners may be approaching the stressors of the Wedding Day differently. One may need the affirmation of a “quickie” while the other feels used by it. One may need nothing more

than a little butt caress while the rest of the room is babbling about who put the frog in the punch bowl, and the other may want to exit immediately and strip off the tuxedo. I notice a new practice among couples today. It is the practice of spending some time alone either right before the service or right after it for the pure sake of relaxing with each other, for another kind of gathering of the forces. If we can find ways to talk to each other, touch each other, enjoy each other, and stay as far away from the eight-year-old psyche as possible, ultimately we may be surprised with unexpected ab-normal sex before, during and after our wedding. Donna Schaper is Senior Minister of Judson Memorial Church in New York City. (212) 477-0351

Volume 5, Issue 2  

Autumn/Winter 2010

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