the Medium
PERSONALS
SPRUNG BRZZEAK
WOMEN’S RIGHTS
SLUTS, INC.
To Spring Break: I am going to sit at home and drink for most of it. How is this any different from my usual life?
To 90% of the employees at the Douglass Cafe, you are all rude, incompetent, pieces of shit. Who in their right FUCKING mind thought it was a good idea to hire you dumb fucks? Were you even trained? Every single damn time I’m there, you guys either look confused (as if making a sandwich is so complicated), you give customers attitude (I’m talking to you ugly bitches at the register), and then refuse to swipe someone when their meal is 5 CENTS over the meal swipe. And don’t even get me started on the cracked out hoodlum that just stands by the entrance and yells at people for bringing in food or drinks from pizza uno or dunkin...I’m sorry your family is on food stamps but get a real fucking job. All of you need to take some pointers from the amazing Brower take-out ladies or the hipster employees at the Cook Cafe and learn some manners....and maybe get an IQ while you’re at it.
To the 3 sluts at the party on Robinson street on Saturday, way to tease everyone by only dancing with eachother the whole night, bitches!
(It’s not, except for the fact that every time you go on Facebook you’ll see pictures of people you hate on exotic beaches.) Hey springbreak, get the fuck here, I’m over this college shit. (Aren’t we all...) To my professors, Cancun bitches!
FASHION POLICE To the guy wearing flip flops with socks in the rain. How did you make this decision? (“Today, I feel nostalgic for the days of wearing a wristwatch and trying too hard in gym class”- is what I imagine his thought process to be like.) To the kid that always wears the “YEAH BUDDY!!!” sweatshirt in Busch dining hall, Yea, buddy, why don’t you go fuck yourself you tool?
(The knowledge that a bunch of self righteous Dou(If the owner of this sweat- glass gals can’t make a halfshirt is reading this, please decent sandwhich is annoyplease take the hint and ing as shit, while not at all surprising. Ladies, kindly burn it.)) do us all a favor and ignore To every douchebag on the past hundred years’ campus, I don’t’ under- worth of advancements for stand why you think that women’s rights and learn March is the perfect time how to make an Italian sub to wear shorts, it makes the right way.) me uncomfortable. Sincerely, the girl with 7 lay- To the guy on the second floor that wears glasses, ers on. Why are you always play(To be fair, maybe the of- ing fucking zombies with fensive short-wearers are your friends? Like seriall coming from the gym ously! Every time I hear or something. To be unfair, “Im Down!” I interpret maybe it doesn’t matter be- it as “Fuck me in the asscause they still look like gi- hole again”. One of these day I’m going to storm ant assholes.) in that room and steal To the girl in the the col- that stupid game, shove lege avenue gym on tues- it up your ass, and then day with the pink shorts. get Frank to box the livYou have the most amaz- ing shit out of you. Keep ing body i’ve ever seen. it down or take your gay I think we should go out fucking party to another sometime. From your se- floor. Love, Fuck you cret admirer. (Nothing says you care more than admitting to checking out her body while she works out and then asking her to date you through an anonymous mention in the personals.)
Wednesday, March 7th, 2012
“My UPA isn’t Fat, it’s just big boned!”
(Is Zombies a game people play? Regardless, it sounds like the kid is just trying to live. This is America for God’s sake. Let him play Zombies in his own god damn room if he wants to.)
LIL BIT SPRUNG Ah, spring break is upon us once again.
The season of starvation, financial debt, and the quest for the ever-elusive “base tan” is almost over, and with its end comes a week of pure bliss. As I type this, I have just finished filling myself on a dinner consisting solely of asparagus and the salted skin of a baked (Three sluts dancing by potato. But in the end, it will all be worth it when I’m themselves in the middle of sitting on a beach looking anorexic as shit. Two days a party is like three delicious from now, my fellow students, we will be free to inslabs of raw steak thrown dulge in a week of solid debauchery. Whether your into a cage full of wolves. idea of fun is some much needed time off from Orgo Do you need your mommy Lectures or five days in Cancun straight slamming to cut your meat for you? drunk whores who will never remember your name, Make a move next time be sure to make every second count. Remember, as pussy) that really annoying kid you follow on Twitter once said: #YOLO To the whores from the 4th floor of Thomas, my friend thinks you should SLOB ON MY KNOB CORN ON THE COB fuck him. To Rutgers: I am not pay- To FirstTransit: please (To the whores from the 4th ing my parking ticket un- invest in air freshners floor of Thomas: You won’t) til I get paid, by you. So, for the EE or don’t perpay me now and I can mit the homeless of New To the five indian kids give you back your mon- Gunswick to be passenthat saw the Jameson ey! Otherwise, your shit gers on the bus. It smells play on Saturday. STOP out of luck! like unwashed asshole all FUCKING TALKING! If the time. I hadn’t been so focused (What is Rutgers paying on how often the actors you for, bending over last To my housemates: STOP were losing their accents, semester while it gently EATING MY FUCKI would have taken your inserted itself into you and ING SNACKS! They are stupid phones that you screwed you? Sorry, your MINE! Also, who the fuck were texting with and check got lost somewhere eats one frozen waffle at shoved them in your with the reimbursement a time? They are meant to mouths and taped them checks from three years ago.) be eaten in pairs! You are shut! If you can’t stay messing up my flow! quiet for two fucking Walking through the Yelhours, than I don’t know low Lot on Livi is like (Roommate snack-stealing how the fuck we as a so- that scene in Jurassic 101: Only take what they ciety are going to make it Park 2 where the raptors won’t notice, go big or go past the end of this year! hop outta the tall grass home. You have to take both and eat people. Except I waffles next time so they always make it to my car don’t notice anything is (I don’t get it, were they safely. wrong. And never, under talking or were they texany circumstances, take the ting? Texting through a last Hot Pocket.) horrible play is more than (Also, less Jeff Goldblums) acceptable. Talking is also, now that I’m thinking about To the electrical engi- To Rutgers Profs: fucking it.) neer who can’t take the write legibly. Its not that hint: I’m flattered that fucking hard you think I’m pretty but HELLO I’M RUDE your awkward conversa- To the colored girls at To the girl sitting next to tions make me want to rutgers: can yall tone it me in the Satellite com- run away and scream. down a notch or ten? puter lab last tuesday, I Just introducing yourself swear that wasn’t a fart. doesn’t mean I’m going It was a grumble in my to accept all your friend (Really?? I haven’t heard tummy because I hadn’t requests. If I wasn’t or seen the word “colored” eaten yet. I’m hoping the scared you were emo- used to describe black people lack of smell helped clue tionally unstable/suicid- since I was a white supremiyou in that it was indeed al, I probably would’ve cist in Geaorgia in fucking NOT a fart. ripped you to shreds and 1955. Black History Month told you to fuck off. I’m JUST ended and this is To the blonde chick with not interested in you, where we’re at...right back the black and gold Coach and I’m not interested in to “colored people.” Jesus.) purse sitting next to me munching on your penis. in my DCIM class, that Stop stalking me! Too the fat chick with was INDEED a FART. I the white gunglasses eatdon’t apologize. (Sorry engineers...pretty ing an eggroll and fried girls= not for you.) chicken walking on cook. To the third floor of i dont think i need to say SC&I, Hello, didn’t see How do all you fuckers something witty, this is you there. still not understand: let just too easy. the people OFF the bus, (Come to the lobby of the and THEN get on you (Thanks to girls like you, SC&I building today from ignorant egotistical fuck- my job is much easier as 12-4 for a surprise...) well. We appreciate you.) heads!!!!!