PROCRASTINATION HOROSCOPES
Sagittarius
Capricorn
Aquarius
Whenever you go on vacation, leave the TV tuned to a Steven Seagal movie marathon so your cats can learn how to defend your apartment.
You’ll be eating 99 per cent milk with a spoon before the end of the week.
Insist that your eulogy be delivered in the form of a freestyle rap to play a sick, post-mortem prank on your friends and loved ones.
Pisces
Aries
Taurus
There is a subtle, though very distinct line between paying tribute to a lost loved one and committing an act of necromancy.
The chia pets you neglected in childhood have been breeding in the sewers and will one day return to enslave us all as they were once enslaved.
You failed the public once, don’t fail them again. Find ogopogo and teach that son of a bitch how to perform for crowds.
Gemini
Cancer
Leo
Every time you drop a cigarette butt on the ground a little tiny worm comes out from the concrete and smokes it and later gets addicted to heroin and his little tiny worm son grows up without a father. So quit it.
Do ten push ups and down a whole bottle of Flinstone vitamins to briefly become a living god.
Don’t even leave your house this week. Just sit on the couch and wait for the illuminati to come round and beat the shit out of you.
Virgo
Libra
Scorpio
Mercury is in retrograde. Jupiter refuses to get out of bed. Venus and Neptune aren't talking right now, and we reached out to Pluto for comment but he did not respond by press time.
“Shut up, shut up!” you tell the magic eight ball, tears stream down your face. But it keeps telling you your hideous future. It keeps telling you the drugs won’t work.
Horoscopes are fake and the planets and stars don’t determine anything about our lives. Having said that, Aries people are insufferable babies who just need to chill.
Nov. 23 - Dec 21
Dec. 22 - Jan 20
Feb 20 - Mar 20
Jan 21 - Feb 19
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Apr 20 - May 20
Jun 21 - Jul 23
May 21 - Jun 20
Jul 24 - Aug 23
Sept 24 - Oct 23
Aug 24 - Sept 23
SUDOKU
Look for the answers in the next issue of The Runner.
Oct 24 - Nov 22
CROSSWORD