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0/ 15 February 2002 Issue 1228

The Student Newspaper for Imperial College

IX Knight Fever? Possibly the worst gag on the front page, ever. (Page 21)

Handcuffs. Parole Officer. C< â&#x20AC;˘â&#x20AC;˘:! J

Union Suffers Budget Cut F o l l o w i n g the research assessment exercise last year, the results of w h i c h were described as 'fantastic' b y our Rector, Sir R i c h a r d Sykes, the H i g h e r E d u c a t i o n F u n d i n g C o u n c i l for E n g l a n d (the council that determines government funding for further and higher education) has decide d to cut funding to College, despite the fact that our rating (6.68) w a s higher t h a n last year. This seemingly perverse decision is due to the fact that although w e d i d better t h a n w e d i d last year, w e actually i m p r o v e d less t h a n other i n s t i t u t i o n s nationally, a n d so get a lesser share of the available funds, w h i c h have themselves not i n c r e a s e d i n the last year. T h i s decrease i n funding w i l l hit all non-academic departments that rely on College for money, i n c l u d i n g the Union. U n i o n finances were already looking strained for the coming year, as extra c a s h needs to be found to fund, amongst other things, the 8% rise i n sabbatical salaries, necessitated b y the increasing of the grant from the E n g i n e e r i n g a n d

up this shortfall b y improving the efficiency of the central administration, without h a v i n g to drastically reduce the funding given to clubs a n d societies.

Obsolete from next year? P h y s i c a l Sciences R e s e a r c h C o u n c i l grant, to w h i c h these salaries are l i n k e d contractually. A s College w i l l only fund the first 2.5% of salary increases the U n i o n w i l l be forced to cover the shortfall. These t w o issues combined are going to force the U n i o n to cut costs even further t h a n h a d been previously thought, a n d it is feared that clubs a n d societies w i l l , once again, take the brunt of the Union's cost-cutting. Sen Ganesh, U n i o n President, has, however, assured Felix that although funding is extremely tight and many parts of College w i l l face cutbacks, the U n i o n s h o u l d be able to make

"Imperial Rag Week begins today, bringing with it seven full days of mx^^mo^^m song and good pcL fashi id si I g| 1

Sounds good to


A l l this could, however, prove to be a b l e s s i n g for students, as amongst the proposals b e i n g d i s c u s s e d b y U n i o n authorities to improve efficiency is the s c r a p p i n g of activities card. Instead of providing insurance for those w i t h a card, all members of the U n i o n w i l l be covered as a matter of course. It has been revealed to Felix that the administration costs incurred b y the system of forcing those students w h o w i s h to be covered by the Union's insurance to s i g n up for activities cards are far greater t h a n the savings gained b y not i n s u r i n g those without cards, and so the possibility of change is b e i n g looked into. Alex

college news

Harlington Safe For Now Harlington has been saved from development for the newterminal at Heathrow, at least for the time being. T h e n e w s comes after the leak of a confidential government report to the F i n a n c i a l Times recomm e n d e d that three n e w runw a y s b e built i n south-east E n g l a n d i n order to meet predicted future d e m a n d for air travel.

m e a n t t h a t i t took t w e l v e years t o g a i n a p p r o v a l for Terminal 5, a n d as Harlington lies i n a designated 'green belt' area, it w i l l not b e possible to build such a commercial development without an extensive p l a n n i n g battle, m e a n i n g that there w o u l d appear to b e no immediate threat to the medics' cherished ground.

The release of the report last month came after the approval of a fifth Heathrow terminal b y the Secretary of State for Transport, Stephen Byers, last November. A s the largest a n d busiest air travel hub i n t h e w o r l d , it i s w i d e l y believed that the recommendations of the report w i l l inevitably l e a d to the construction of a t h i r d r u n w a y at t h e West L o n d o n airport, extending it to p o s s i bly engulf l a n d currently occup i e d b y the Harlington ground. Widespread opposition

However, the government i s also looking at m a k i n g c h a n g e s to p l a n n i n g procedures w i t h an a i m of reducing the amount of time spent o n appeal, w h i c h could m e a n that development could take place m u c h sooner once p l a n n i n g permission is eventually sought. If Harlington is to b e lost, it w i l l raise questions about the sale of Teddington, currently b e i n g discussed. Nigel Buck, Assistant Director of Estates, told Felix that "the extent of the p l a n -

New Challenge A n e w challenge was launched this w e e k w i t h t h e aim of promoting good w r i t i n g w i t h i n the College. 'Writing The Future' w i l l give students w h o enjoy writi n g the opportunity to communicate a n element of their degree subject to a w i d e r audience. The scheme w i l l b e open to both undergraduates a n d postgraduates and hopes to demonstrate the breadth of the College's educational interests, p o r t r a y i n g i t as more t h a n a purely scientific institution. A n editorial panel w i l l select the best entries from each department and forward t h e m to a final shortlist. T h e w o r k of t h e finalists w i l l b e published i n both C D a n d book form a n d w i l l b e avail-

able i n the College's libraries from October. The scheme has been set up i n association w i t h resident Royal Literary F u n d Writing Fellow, A n n Shearer, w h o joined t h e College last term w i t h a brief to promote good w r i t i n g b y staff and students. A n author a n d previously a reporter for the Guardian, M s Shearer w i l l one of the three members of the editorial panel j u d g i n g entries, but w i l l also be available as a consultant to a s s i s t s t u d e n t s w i t h their entries at a n y stage of the w r i t i n g process. The ' W r i t i n g T h e F u t u r e ' scheme has b e e n endorsed b y the Rector, a n d w i l l replace his e x i s t i ng 'C ommuni cat i on Competition'. John S

n i n g requirements for r u n w a y three are as yet u n k n o w n " a n d that w h i l e t h e timescale of development cannot b e forecast, it c o u l d b e almost a decade before the l a n d occup i e d b y the ground w o u l d b e sought to extend Heathrow. Sen Ganesh, Imperial College U n i o n President, s a i d that if College d e c i d e d that it w o u l d be desirable to sell both Harlington a n d Teddington, the U n i o n w o u l d need to b e compensated for the loss, w i t h the money g a i n e d from the sales b e i n g spent o n student sports facilities. The College is looking closely at the issue of sports provision for Imperial students, a n d is i n negotiations over a multimillion p o u n d n e w development at B a r n E l m s i n Putney i n addition to the proposed n e w sports centre i n South Kensington. John S

Issue 1228 15 February 2002 Editor: w i l l Dugdale Deputy Editor: A l i Wren N e w s Elect: A l e x C o r b y N e w s Writer: J o h n Stratford M u s i c : Dave E d w a r d s Books: J o n M a t t h e w s A r t s : J o n Brenner F i l m : Darius N i k b i n Sports: Your Mum C r o s s w o r d: Dr. Hot F u d g e W i t h Thanks To: A n y o n e / Everyone Felix, Beit Q u a d , Prince Consort Road, L o n d o n , SW7 2BB Tel: 020 7594 8072 E m a i l : Printed by: MCP Litho Limited Felix is a registered newspaper: ISSN 1040 - 0711 Copyright Š Felix 2002

Election Change The timetable for this year's Sabbatical elections has been changed, after it w a s d e c i d e d that the opening of nominations h a d not b e e n p u b l i c i s e d w i d e l y enough. It w a s feared that the minim a l p u b l i c i ty for the elections i n the first w e e k of the nomination period w o u l d limit the n u m b e r of g o o d s t u d e n t s s t a n d i n g for p o s i t i o n s , a n d lead to a loss of confidence i n the those elected as Sabbatical officers. The nomination papers w i l l remain on the w a l l facing the offices on the first floor of the Union building until 5pm today. For nominations to be valid, candidates must be b a c k e d u p b y the signature of a proposer a n d t w e n t y seconders b y this deadline.

H u s t i n g s for those s t a n d i n g for the positions of President, Deputy President (Clubs and Societies), Deputy President (Finance and Services), Deputy President (Education a n d Welfare), a n d Felix Editor w i l l n o w take place i n the J C R of the U n i o n b u i l d i n g at t h e Wye campus on the evening of T u e s d a y 26 February, a n d then again i n dBs i n the U n i o n building of the South Kensington campus on Wednesday 27 February. This w i l l be followed b y voting across a l l d e p a r t m e n t s o n Thursday a n d Friday of that week, w i t h the results officially d e c l a r e d i n t h e U n i o n D i n i n g Hall, on the first floor of the U n i o n b u i l d i n g , at 12noon on M o n d a y 4 M a r c h . John S

world news

The Brussels Buzz Bees Oh Dear! Not all is rosy in Euroland, it seems. European bee-keepers w i l l this w e e k be s t a g i n g militant protests i n Brussels. The object? Better w o r k i n g conditions for their workers - the honeybees.

m m. m

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ If?


It seems that the legions of farmers, mostly from Spain, France and Italy, are u n h a p p y about the lack of recognition their invaluable insects make to local ecologies. They argue that the pollen delivery systems, propped up by the bees, c o n s t i t u t e a "service" - and that the bees shoul d be recompensed accordingly. For example, they should be allowed to have a monopoly over honey trade in the E U , as a reward for the bees' hard work. This w o u l d o u t l a w M e x i c a n honey, for example (currently around half

the price of the native European stuff). The bees themselves are not expected to attend the protest, due to the cold.

week, in an effort to safeguard their savings against inflation. Their actions were prompted by the final separation of the A r g e n t i n i a n peso from the dollar.

Panic Thousands of Argentines rushed to but US dollars this

A l t h o u g h the economy of the South A m e r i c a n country had appeared strong to many,

No Logo

the separation from the strong A m e r i c a n currency - p e g g e d to the peso for over twenty years - has r a i s e d fears of inflation and ruin among the population, w h o are l a p p i n g up the dollars despite government pleas for calm. Slime Former Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic awaits trial for w a r crimes at The H a g u e this week. A l t h o u g h the list of w a r crimes he is charged w i t h is both horrifying and shocking, the former leader s h o w s no s i g n of remorse. In a statement released this week, the defendant insisted that he w a s ready for the trial, and that he w o u l d use the opportunity to "tell the t r u t h " about the bloody conflict. Joe


A former N a z i w i l l have an operation to remove a large tattoo p a i d for b y the state, A s s o c i a t e d Press reports.

prospect of u s i n g taxpayers' money to fund a c o n v i c t ' s image change, others were

Darren Lee Letourneau, 31, w i l l have the series of operations - w h i c h w i l l cost a total of ÂŁ2,870 - p a i d for by taxpayers because he says he has given u p the tenets of National Socialism after " m u c h reflection" i n prison. After leaving jail, hopefully early in next year, Letourneau also hopes to speak out against racism, particularly to juveniles and y o u n g adults. He is currently s e r v i ng a 10year sentence for a mixture of offences, i n c l u d i n g robberies, assault and weapons offences. Reactions in C a n a d a were m i x e d . W h i l e some groups were lukewarm at the

In particular, Rubin Friedman, a spokesman for the Canadian J e w i s h Congress voiced his approval. The decision, he said, represented an "action for good" in the world, a d d i n g that it meant "one less racist s w a s t i k a . " Prison warder A l e x Lubimov agreed that Letourneau had s h o w n a m a s s i v e improvement i n attitude over the past couple of years.

enthusiastic about the move.

"He no longer believes in the t h i n g s the swastika stands for," he explained, " i n fact, he n o w believes that his past actions were w r o n g and evil. He is keen to do whatever he can to put that right." Joe

(Reuters) A large bush-fire in California this w e e k continued to grow out of control. A s w e l l as residential, m u n i c i p a l and industrial buildings, the fire also threatened the very government of the United States of A m e r i c a in the form of the U.S. Marine Corps base near San Diego. Outrage in the region that the fire - w h i c h has already destroyed over 30 homes and forced the evacuation of thousands at time of going to press - be allowed to spread out of control w a s heightened w h e n it became apparent that the marines were unable to fight fires on their o w n base effectively due to cuts in the training budget. The regular firefightmg units were taken aback by the scale and ferocity of the blaze,

w h i c h is reckoned by many to be the worst i n 50 years. Over 700 men, i n c l u d i n g aerial units, are currently involved. The fires, w h i c h have been fanned throughout the fortnight-long blaze by a strong easterly w i n d , were only halted by the Pacific Ocean in the south. Now, however, the w i n d has shifted suddenly to the south. The b u s h fires - in an area untouched since the great Scrub Fires of 85 years ago have correspondingly s w u n g north, threatening the cities of San Diego and even L A , at 14 million residents one of A m e r i c a ' s biggest cites. A l t h o u g h millions of kilos of explosive are kept at the military base, N a v y spokesman G r e g g S m i t h i n s i s t e d there w a s "no danger" to civilians. Joe

happy valentines

Valentine Messages To J I'll be your prisoner... Of love...

Here are some Valentine's Messages we received from all the love-birds last week...

To Minky, You're so pretty

To R, Reception Queen We Love You

HC, Hope you liked the quote

Munky To D,

J . XX

You can check my Reylisi any r v .


To my darling Monster, Your sexy moves really get me going! Love your nuscence


1 love you now and will do all t«ufgh. ;

xxxxxxxx Always, XXX

TO D, You're my DP(Love & Affection)...

To all the readers, 1 can tell you're lonely... Love, Felix XXX




Free lid we 9pm t shiny Night Our Union Members £1.50 union Guests £2,00 djs:piay



society revue

International Night Last Thursday s a w this year's international night c o m i n g together after m o n t h s of preparation a n d work b y the Overseas C o m m i t t e e Team, and specifically Ram Ramanan, the organiser of the event. The concept of the event is for the international societies to have a n o p p o r t u n i t y to express their o w n cultures to one another, as w e l l as to the numerous home students w h o come to w a t c h the event every year. In the past it has been marred b y political differences, w h i c h have been expressed b y students booing various acts, and i n one case even storming the stage. This has also l e d to p u n c h u p s back stage, a n d therefore this year, there were more s t e w a r d s present to ensure that the security of the event w a s not compromised. Perhaps d u e to this, or maybe perhaps due to improving relations, there weren't any such problems this year, however, the flagship s h o w caused problems of its o w n , through the use of pyrotechnics that set t h e fire a l a r m off. T h i s resulted i n the mass evacuation of the great hall, as w e l l as the rest of Sherfield, that lasted around half a n hour. Happily most of the audience were eager to stick around, and so thirty minutes later the Hall refilled to enjoy the first show. However, any mood that had been built u p w o u l d obviously have been destroyed b y this point, so the first act of the evening, w h i c h b e l o n g e d to the Pakistan Society, w a s to have guite a job getting everyone b a c k into t h e mood. However, the choice w a s good, and the comedy based on arranged marriage brought the show back u p to its original tempo, paving the w a y for the rest of the show.




4 â&#x20AC;˘ >


outs, a l l accompanied b y that irritatingly catchy tune from the game. The B a n g l a d e s h i Society could be seen to be the conscience of the show, w i t h probably the most p o l i t i c a l act, s h o w i n g a man's trip around the country i n a r i c k s h a w , observing the beauty a n d pain in the country. A l s o I must mention Shovi and Ruth, w h o d i d a fantastic job of h o l d i n g everything together w i t h their presenting, and keeping us amused during the scene changes.

It w o u l d be impossible in the they were sporting. space allowed to go through J a p a n w a s a very funny every act, a n d w h i l e some short play based on the advenwere certainly... interesting, all tures of Super Mario, w i t h all h a d clearly received a lot of his friends a n d enemies care a n d attention from e a c h ' d e p i c t e d b y c a r d b o a r d cut society. The problem w i t h a show such as this is that cultural differences are very difficult to express i n such a short amount of time, a n d since no-one c a n be aware of all cultures, often m i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g c a n occur as to the point that is trying to be made. A s a n example of this, one of my personal favourite acts w a s that of the Singapore society, w h i c h I found very reminiscent of the time I have spent i n Singapore over several months. I'm not sure I w o u l d have found it so good, however, were I not already aware of some of the culture.

What really got me, however, w a s the after s h o w party. Everyone from all the societies were there, a n d I have to say that for the first time i n five years at this college, I realised how truly international w e c a n be. Bring it on.

|HE UNION i f l R 6 Beers on tap Regular beers from Bass, Brakspear, Carlsberg, Tetley and Youngs plus Specials from many smaller breweries. Coming Soon: r \ Kiwi and Red Berry f&ef Special ÂŁ1.85 bottle f

A s k i n g around after the show, I found that three shows h a d really stood out i n many peoples' minds. They were the A f r o - C a r i b b e a n Society, the J a p a n e s e Society, a n d the Bangladeshi Society. The Afro-Caribbeans put on an a m a z i n g l y h i g h energy show, a n d were also remembered for the lack of clothing

imperial college Mon-Fri: 12-2/5-dose Sat closed/Sun: 6-close


talk felix

Chaplaincy "No pain, no gain" is the mantra of those who w i l l i ngly submit themselves to the tyranny of the regular workout. It also fits w i t h the caricature of Lent, the forty day period of self-denial before Easter i n the Christian calendar. If y o u enjoy something, then give it up for Lent. If it does not hurt then it can't be good for you. Get out your old sack-cloths a n d start sitting i n ashes, it's the season for self-flagellation. Of course, there is a more cuddly parody of Lent. This first reguires that the meaning of Easter be reduced to a mammoth chocolate puke-athon. In order to be fully prepared for this O l y m p i a n feast Lent is used as a time to give up all chocolate and sweets. This is the Lent of delayed gratification a n d binging. This fits m u c h better w i t h our culture. Self-denial for improved body image is clearly seen as a very good thing. Forget the pressures to conform to an idealised body image. There is an ancient a n d more radical take on the season of Lent. Forget the

crude self- denial theme of "give it up". Instead "take up" something new. What used to be called "doing good works" is n o w k n o w n as joining the "volunteering culture". Lent could be a good time to start doing something to make the w o r l d a better place for other people. IC already has a host of clubs a n d societies engaged in social issues. For example, R A G is operating all year round raising money for good causes. Students on the P i m l i co Connection help teach i n local primary schools. The Community A c t i o n Group give you a chance to help w i t h the Sunday N i ght Soup R u n , or w o r k at the Nightshelter for the homeless. They are also involved i n the "Tools for Self Reliance" scheme that repairs old tools and sends them to Africa. What all of these projects offer those who volunteer are n e w experiences. Yes voluntary work helps others. But equally importantly it changes us. It c a n encour-

age us to go beyond the small worlds that w e create for our o w n protection. Volunteering c a n be a good w a y to gain insight into areas of life a n d society that w e w o u l d not normally visit. B y all means "give something up" for Lent. But also think about "taking up" something new. It could do you the power of good as w e l l as helping others. In the Chaplaincy w e have a file of volunteering opportunities including journalism for Christian A i d , doing DIY for the housebound, helping community development i n Notting Hill, supporting a charity assisting people living w i t h HIV/Aids, or w o r k i n g on a b u i l d i n g site w i t h the homeless. Some need regular commitment a n d some y o u can join whenever y o u are free. For further information contact Community A c t i o n Group, or R A G or Pimlico Connection or



" T h i s House Believes that Y a s s a r A r a f a t was R i g h t to Refuse Israel's Terms at C a m p D a v i d " P H Y S I C S - L T 1 - T H U R S D A Y 21st - 6:00pm IC Secular Society

felix talk

IC RADIO Matt, since leaving IC last summer you've only made a few appearances on the show, leaving Sam to flounder through on his own. Sam, you've been reported to be suffering from chronic suicidal depression, as illustrated in this photo. What do you have to say?

Matt and Sam, the dynamic duo of radio, are rarely visible to the p u b l i c eye. They exist i n a fantasy w o r l d , removing themselves from society as a whole. However, after some coaxing but mainly blatant threatening they have emerged, dirty and smelly, from their hermit cave i n the furthest reaches of Outer Bayswater to give this exclusive interview to Felix: A n o t h e r h i g h q u a l i t y w e b - c a m photo So, guys, why did you call your


'The Matt 'n' Sam Show?' M a t t : Well, w e were going to go w i t h just 'and' but for artistic purposes w e eventually w ent for 'n.'

Sam: No. Sorry, it's his ego. By the w a y if any w a n t s to listen in w e ' d really appreciate it. Talking to yourself for t w o hours isn't fun... no honestly!!!

Sam: Well, yeah, it's depressing sitting there on your o w n but it's probably better than being stuck in there w i t h this boring bastard! M a t t : A t least I don't cock u p the equipment all the time. S a m : Try and do the s h o w without me then you cheeky bastard...

Sam: Lack of originality, really... What sort of music do you play? What's your show all about? M a t t : It's an orgasmic b l e n d of sensuous music, hilariously a m u s i n g features and sickeningly professional links. S a m : Yeah, complete bollocks really... Do you have many


M a t t : Yes

M a t t : Not telling you. S a m : The wanker's in a sulk now. Don't worry, just give h i m one of those lollies a n d h e ' l l shut u p for while...We play everything from up-to-the-minute dance tracks to classic tunes from M C Hammer and Nick Kershaw... actually w e don't really play his songs (nervous laughter).

A t this point the interview degenerated into something out of M o r t a l Kombat, the scenes are not suitable for children, students and domesticated animals. You can tune into the M a t t 'n' Sam show every Saturday at midday o n IC Radio 999Mhz A M and Alternatively you couldn't.

ICU Arts Festival The I C U A r t s Festival is a n event especially dedicated to promoting the arts societies of Imperial College. The first ever arts festival w i l l take place from the 20th February to the 1st M a r c h this year and w i l l feature everyone from the IC Choir to C l a s s i c a l Guitar. This is your chance to see exactly w h a t each arts society does, and maybe even find out w h a t you have been m i s s i n g out o n a l l this time.

M o nda y , 25th February, dB's, U n i o n :

There are three nights that you should put into your diary, w i t h the times w h e n everything begins.

8 p m Friday, 1st M a r c h , Great H a l l :




Concert Hall: 7.30 W i n d B a n d 8.00 C l a s s i c a l Guitar 8.30 Interval 9.00 DramSoc 9.30 M u s i c a l Theatre 10.00: F i n i s h This event is completely free.


7.30 Guitar Soloists 8.00: M o d e r n Dance 8.15: Interval 8.30: M o d e r n Dance 8.45: Contemporary M u s i c 9.15: D J s 9.30: Close This event is completely free.

[In association w i t h the I C U A r t s Festival] The IC Symphony Orchestra and the IC Choir w i l l be performing Mahler together, in w h a t w i l l undoubtedly be a fantastic display of musical talent. Tickets Available from the Blyth M u s i c Centre, £2.50/£6.50 i n advance, £3/£7 on the door. There w i l l also be exhibitions from Photo Soc, Phoenix (Literature), Leonardo (Fine A r t s ) a n d the O r i g a m i Society t a k i n g

place around campus at lunchtimes. The I C U A r t s Festival's debut is sure to go w i t h a b a n g - but it doesn't e n d there. This is to be the first of many annual arts festivals h a p p e n i n g at Imperial College. That means that any IC student w h o has m i s s e d out on being involved this year has n o w got twelve months to prepare for the next one. This really is a unique opportunity to showcase your work a n d get yourself noticed as a performer, artist or m u s i c i a n - or whatever you can do! But this isn't the only way, to involved. You can help r u n the events year, or if you w a n t to decide h o w the A r t s Festival 2003 goes, you can form of next year's committee.

get this ICU part

So don't forget, the I C U A r t s Festival is here to show that Imperial College isn't just about science Patrick For more information: e-mail:

felix talk

Editorial This week, I have mostly been i l l . A n d this is probably the worst part of m y job here. E v e n w h e n I'm d y i n g w i t h 'flu, a n d a temperature of 104,1 still have to get u p and make sure that this gets out so y o u lot have something to read d u r i n g lectures. I wouldn't m i n d so m u c h if I though you all read it for the insightful journalism, or the s t u n n i n g d e s i g n and layout, or even for the w e l l rounded editorial, but as far as I c a n reckon, y o u don't. You read it so y o u c a n do the crosswords a n d the G F Q Q . Is this really true? A m I really w a s t i n g m y time (and health) to provide you people w i t h t w o pages of puzzles and a protective covering of emergency toilet paper. I'd like to think not.

go in, w h i c h w o u l d logically imply that ing for jam in a sausage factory. A s my old there w o u l d be more good stuff. Or at grandmother u s e d to say. least a greater percentage of good stuff. H i g h time I ranted about something, But yes, ill. I've been. A n d most horrinow, I think, being a n editor and all. This bly. I'm too y o u n g to die, and too beautiful w e e k w e have R A G w e e k coming up, a n d too. It w o u l d be denying the w o r l d of perto be honest w e here i n the Felix w o r l d fection, and as such, for all your sakes, I'm are pretty moist at the thought... many hanging on to this life w i t h a fervour. photo opportunities a n d stories of drunkSorry, I get a touch melodramatic w h e n en debauchery galore. A t least, that's feeling ill. Also, considering the number w h a t I've been promised. However, once of little pills I've taken, I'm probably halagain, dear reader, it is y o u w h o must lucinating. A n d m u c h fun it is too. Why, actually ensure that this promise comes only this morning I w a s talking to m y true. A n d you don't w a n t to make a liar of lampshade about the quality of life that the person w h o promised the promise, if haberdashery enjoys, a n d I w a s sorely you see w h a t I mean, a n d I think you do, tempted to turn it a l l i n a n d become a do you? cushion. So that w a s nice. I have one hour until I So, w h a t I'm a s k i n g is that you, the But foolishly, I d i d not, and so here I am, have to send this fine tome off to out reader, take a moment right n o w (or at waffling away. Oh yes! E-mail address. To friendly n e i g h b o u r h o o d printers, so I least once you've finished the crossword) e-mail me w i t h your comments about should probably cut this short, a n d just to sit at a computer and e-mail me, telling Felix (and I really do w a n t them), use the write b l a h for the rest of it, but frankly I'm me w h a t it is y o u do a n d don't read i n address is m y advice. You too professional, so like every good actor, Felix. Not only w i l l it make a n old m a n could use another address a n d trust i n I w i l l instead w h i s p e r rhubarb repeatedly very happy (or possi bly not), but it also the mighty g o d of the internet to guide it, under m y breath. R h u b a r b r h u b a r b might mean that less of the b a d stuff w i l l but I find that's about as reliable as dousrhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb.

Wye Campus, JCR Union Building 5pm Tuesday, February 26

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NUS Debate Should Imperial College U n i o n join the National U n i o n of Students (NUS)? This is the question that w i l l p o s e d to the students of Imperial College a n d y o u w i l l have your chance to have y o u say.

equates to approximately eighteen hundred s t u d e n t s . If t h i s t ur no u t is not achieved then the status quo (disaffiliation from the NUS) remains.

NUS So w h a t is the N U S ? The N U S w a s established i n 1922 to represent the interests of students. C u r r e n t l y 98% of s t u d e n t s unions affiliate to the N U S a n d Imperial College U n i o n is not one of them. So what's the fuss about? Well, affiliation to the N U S is a matter for referendum, i.e. the students of the college get to choose. There w i l l be a college w i d e secret ballot w i t h a yes/no question asking y o u whether y o u w a n t to affiliate to the NUS. The sides In the referendum there are t w o sides; the "yes" a n d the "no" c a m p a i g n . Both sides w i l l be given exactly the same resources and w i l l start c a m p a i g n i n g shortly. E a c h side t h r o u g h a v a r i e ty of m e d i a w i l l

inform you of the advantages a n d disadvantages of joining the N U S. In addition there w i l l be a series of official debates, where you w i l l be able to hear both sides argue their points a n d be able to put guestions to them. The h i s t o r y The last time there w a s a Referendum w a s i n 1995, w h e n the students voted not to join the NUS. For the Referendum to be valid, there has to be a 15% turnout, this

M y Job M y role is as a returning officer is to ensure that the Referendum is r u n fairly and honestly, and to ensure that you are g i v e n the information to make a n informed choice. I a m also not allowed to express any bias towards any one side, i n fact I a m not allowed to vote. If you w o u l d like more information about the Referendum please contact me (presidentŠ^ You r C h o i c e Ultimately, the decision of whether to join the NUS is yours. So read the information, attend the debates and make your choice. It is your chance to have a direct impact on the future of the U n i o n . Sen G a n e s h President, Imperial College U n i o n

Election Inferno Yes folks, it's that time of year again: that time of year w h e n your w a l k to the lecture theatre is h a m p e r e d b y a d e l u g e of posters. W h e n the M e d i a w i n g of Imperial College U n i o n really begins to flex its muscles, w i t h Felix interviews, STOIC programmes a n d IC Radio broadcasting live into the Southside Kitchens... W h e n mass e-mails go out, breaking all the election regulations, encouraging y o u to vote like sheep for some random student w h o must be fantastic because they're studying the same course as you. Wow. I love this time of year. Hustings Tuesday, Febraury 26: Wye Campus, J C R U n i o n Building, 6:30pm Wednesday, February 27: d B s C l u b Bar, 6:00pm This is, historically, where candidates get a good g r i l l i n g . C a n d i d a t e s pace around the m a i n stairs of the U n i o n b u i l d -

ing, palms sweating, w i s h i n g they hadn't put so m u c h gel i n their hair because it's starting to trickle d o w n the side of their face. Some turn to cigarettes. A n d w i t h i n minutes they find themselves standing on the stage. N o w the problems really begin. Questions are asked b y you lot; completely unpredictable i n nature, on a topic that generally has absolutely m i n i m a l relevance to the positions i n q u e s t i o n . Fabulous.

Results Declared Monday, M a r c h 4, 12:00 - 13:00

Voting Thursday, February 28: 10:00 - 17:00 Friday, M a r c h 1: 10:00 - 17:00

G i v e n that voting closes on a Friday, counting is likely to take place over the weekend. This means that the "ceremony" (implying that there might actually be a w i n n e r i n all of this) w i l l take place M o n d a y lunchtime. STOIC w i l l be feeding live audio streams into the J C R , the IC Radio team w i l l be poised, mini-disc'n'microphone combination i n hand, a n d Felix w i l l be geared u p to get an Elections Special out to the masses b y M o n d a y night.

Without doubt the most important bit. W h e t h e r you're v o t i n g t h r o u g h gut instinct, t h r o u g h d e t a i l e d character assassination, or b y bribe from the candidate's other half; the unequivocally vital t h i n g here is to vote. In itself, the most powerful tool democracy has ever created: The secret ballot.

So all that leaves is y o u lot. You have the power to select the direction the Union takes over the c o m i n g years. You have the ability to change something, to make a difference. A n d I b e g you, use that power. Whether it be through the traditional voting mediums, or through proxym g your vote as y o u may not be i n the country, V O T E V O T E V O T E .

talk back More From Sen Dear Felix, F o l l o w i n g the letter last w e e k from M s Tasha N e w t o n , I thought it w o u l d be appropriate to r e s po nd . I do not i n t e n d to get into an argument over some of the personal remarks she made, h o w e v e r I thought I s h o u l d address some of the issues r a i s e d in that letter. The m a i n concern seems to be about Council's d e c i s i o n to call for a Referendum on Imperial College Union's affiliation to t h e N a t i o n a l U n i o n of Students (NUS) a n d the motivation of b r i n g i n g that paper to C o u n c i l . To a n s w e r the later issue first, the motivation is quite s i m p l e . Earlier this year w i t h the arrival of the freshers, the U n i o n h a d a lot queries about N U S cards. M a n y w e r e s u r p r i s e d that w e are not part of the N U S . It is clear that a w h o l e g e n e r a t i o n of s t u d e n t s do not k n o w about the N U S a n d w h y w e are not affiliated to it. Contrary to p o p u l a r belief, there is no conspiracy or ulterior motive, it is s i m p l y the conviction that it is time to have an informed open debate on the issue. I do believe that w e are c a p a b l e of h a v i n g a mature and sensible d i s c u s s i o n on the matter a n d let the students decide. M y d e c i s i o n to go for re-election or not is entirely irrelevant a n d has no b e a r i n g on the issue. If students don't care t h e n they won't vote - the quota won't be met a n d the status quo w i l l remain. H o w e v e r b y runn i n g a referendum it does give students the choice a n d the cost to the U n i o n is relatively s m a l l a n d easily covered b y contingency funds. A l l I ask of the student p o p u l a t i o n is to take an interest in the issue a n d encourage everyone to make a informed d e c i s i o n . The reason I d i d not give an o pi ni on about w h e t h e r I b e l i e v e the U n i o n s h o u l d j o i n or not, is t h a t as t h e Returni n g Officer a n d for the sake of impartiality, I a m not a l l o w e d to express my v i e w p u b l i c l y or i n d e e d vote in the referendum. I also strongly reject the c l a i m that the U n i o n has not done a n y t h i n g this year. We have built on our support for C l u b s and Societies, i n c r e a s e d external fundi n g a n d sponsorship, e x p a n d e d on our w o r k i n the community, secured f u n d i n g

for the Summer Ball, s u p p o r t e d student development programmes, started volunteer investment programme, refoc u s e d on education issues and m u c h more besides. I believe w e have done a lot but still need to do more. We need to move forw a r d a n d take a more proactive approach a n d I encourage all students (including M s Tasha N e w t o n ) to take up the challenge, get involved i n their U n i o n a n d help us achieve this. Sen G a n e s h President, Imperial College U n i o n

S t u p i d Is A s S t u p i d Does

Wye Balls Will, H e l l o to e v e r y o n e r e a d i n g t h i s i n L o n d o n a n d at places other t h a n the Wye C a m p u s . We thought that w e w o u l d just let you all k n o w that life d o w n here is brilliant, although unfortunately w e have h a d to start w o r k i n g a n d can't just concentrate on s o c i a l i s i n g . There are many activities g o i n g on, O l d Boy's w e e k e n d , 1st - 3rd February, w a s a great success w i t h hundreds of people c o m i n g back, a l t h o u g h it d i d see t h e e n d to the u n b e a t e n r u g b y s e a s o n that the t e a m w a s enjoying, regular activities in the union are proving to be very popular. The m a i n reason for this article is to let

Dear Felix, I have once a g a i n b e c o m e q u i t e annoyed at something petty. This time it is s t u p i d i t y that has got me riled. I recently (i.e. 20 minutes ago) p u r c h a s e d a drink w h o s e bottle bore the l a b e l "Do not store on side w h e n cap is removed". So that's w h a t I've b e e n d o i n g wrong, h o w many n o w stained shirts could have b e e n saved if t h e y ' d w a r n e d me earlier. H o w s t u p i d must I be? This incident w a s not the only one of its type, a few days ago I w a s w a l k i n g b y the banks of the Thames feeding the partially s u b m e r g e d s h o p p i n g trolleys a n d cooling off from another fit of logic w h e n I s a w a s i g n that set my attempts at relaxation back by several years w o r t h of y o g a a n d i n c e n s e . " B e w a r e ! " It exclaimed, "Danger of D r o w n i n g ! " It's a river, if you are not aware that falling into the river presents a danger of d r o w n i n g t h e n perhaps you truly are in need of w a r n i n g s about the s pa t i al orientation of bottles, that s u c k i n g hot tar into your l u n g s is d a n g e r o u s or t h a t d a n c i n g p a i n t e d black on the M l poses a slight health hazard. A r e w e all so d a m n e d stupid nowadays? I am also rather w o r r i e d about my o w n condition, for the past few w e e k s I have noticed that my ability to spell has deteriorated and my w o r d order pot to gone. C a n some charitable soul please tell me, is D y s l e x i a contagious or am I just b e i n g p l a i n stupid? A n d in case you weren't aware: This letter is flammable; do not attempt to use as a fire retardant. Yours furiously, Pete

everyone know about our C o m m e m o r a t i o n B a l l w h i c h is definetly on and bigger a n d better t h a n ever, FRID A Y 21st J U N E ! The C o m m e m o r a t i o n Ball at Wye is an a n n a u l event that is v i e w e d as the most i m p o r t a n t evening on the social calender. It is a l w a y s a fantastic evening w i t h a funfair, fireworks, bands, and a great D J all p r e c e d e d by a m e a l in the marquee. The evening is p a c k e d w i t h fun a n d frolics and ends w i t h the survivors p h o t o g r a p h at 6am. The bar is open t h r o u g h the night! This event gives you m u c h more freedom t h a n is u s u a l l y experienced in L o n d o n and takes place i n our fantastic Withersdane Gardens. A c c o m o d a t i o n w i l l , be available, although it w i l l be on a first come first served basis. Tables are for 8-10 people al though the o d d 12 c a n be accomodated and w e w o u l d love to see as many of you here as possible. There w i l l be prizes for the p e r s o n that organises the b i g g e s t party! P r e c e d i n g this event is our cricket w e e k w h i c h you are all more t h a n w e l come to come d o w n to a n d is a w e e k full of fun a n d games w i t h the bar open 11am t i l l a m everday, a n d as you might expect, the o d d c r i c k e t m a t c h . B o t h events are si t uat ed in the fantastic gardens w i t h the b a c k d r o p of a wonderful countryside, slightly different to the w a l l of concrete that they call L o n d o n ! If you w i s h to contact us for more inform a t i o n about any of these events or anyt h i n g else to do w i t h Wye life please feel free to do so. Thomas B r a d s h a w

Imperial College Union, Beit Quad


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Friday Valentine's Party Roses are red Or you could call it berry Come to the U n i o n A n d pop your... money into a collecting t i n for R A G Week! Union, 8pm-2am

Weekend R A G Week R A G Week is here. Give us an 'R'! Give us an A ! Give us a ' G ' ! What do you get? A full square w i t h o u t m e letting o n that I don't k n o w what's h a p p e n i n g on Saturday!

College Collections a n d I n t e r n a t i o n a l R A G P u b if • •;. %.:•''• Crawl • •• agents;, ai.maai: • • , . , • will. a. coteotiiitf iui chatit]/ at ihci Qour-qa gates'..' C a p i d a aad fioini's at. tfia Union too

AroMHl: i h B world i n ",['." ,.<>'i\ . ' • i a ,_a tahaitfag aa Ba|g' •:,. .would, have been proud of, had lag- tSninM.y&GkiMmks. Union, ^lipiMySaijjrt'l&y

F e l l o w s h i p of the R i n g The source of m u c h hilarity in the office this week, as w e veto yet another r u n of h i g h l y amusing arse jokes. Doesn't mean w e can't ridicule hobbits, though.

Black H a w k D o w n See this w e e k ' s special " B i r d W a t c h i n g " section in the diary this week, and y o u ' l l note the total absence of black hawks. That's mostly because they're d o w n . Sorry.

SaaaelaTfe' P « a y

It S h o u l d n ' t H a p p e n to rVvbtaet! raeaaiag a rots ad, a T V Cook Since aniiMai'eHglty legaaate iiujf'Y ':• aaua. Matlijtt: d o e l n ' t .apply to hnagLvf •, • ' < , title Ufcfofois . spa l o w as ccij.fd'. i<iUia'Bi'-/ rneirn., Jaime Oliver, there's no IhMiffh. .teason l » t « It mS't, . Channel 4. 9 30pm '. i. -'./>•}( Baz

Gigs & Concerts


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12-Zpm Mon 18-Fri 2 2

At The Movies

Rag Week Events

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This Week

this week

Also appearing: Daz, Gaz, Paz and their pet dog, Pooz. But seriously (could you tell anyway?) she's t h e next r i s i n g t h i n g for U K soul-pop. J a z z Cafe, E10/E12 door

Mr G o n e Yes, y e t another J a z z Cafe concert, b u t I ' m including t h i s one because I ' m going. Hurray. It s h o u l d b e jazzy, funky and fused. Saturday, Jazz Cafe, £12 P*g'««r»i' •

The house s p a n o w , oi Pasimr •riorrmsiivus, •• often found m London, it isn't even slightly Stiuangorad, aaa? h a s •tt.. !• to bd i • • i.

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i rthia.fc t h e y ' r e ma wily • • rn *, lifts. ' .but I can t be sure. While also dnaowij. for boimg. can•pigeons ia1gbta>a a partias "••« •.! i » tjjimc, u

week this



J a z z and Rock J a z z C h i l l - o u t at t h e Union today, brought to you b y the I C U J a z z and Rock society. If I w e r e you, I'd relax before R A G w e e k begins... dBs

Trivia Quiz S h o w off your h i g h l y interesting knowledge of C a r o l Vorderman's m u s i c a l tastes i n order to w i n prizes. O h yeah, did I mention that i t ' s R A G w e e k yet?

Wednesday Thursday C h e e s y Wotsits


Suited sportsmen quaff their beer whilst highly qualified DJs blast out their favourite actionladen classics. H o w does 'Tragedy' go? The Union, 'till lam

Felix c a n exclusively reveal that this is R A G week! A t lunchtime, there'll be slave auction either i n the J C R or i n dB's.


Friday RAG


The typical Friday night fracas, b u t w i t h some extra R A G magic. School Uniform, lollipops a n d cheesy music will all make an appearance. Union, 8pm-2am

•!•>':.} i. <:, ,ii« moat ccc-.' i ' ii -i ' < >''n i i l l l l l f e j die race... ULU, Mitllut St. 7:30pm

i i i , i . M.tji^ir at a l l . i . - . '<;'"•• i,y on • the

H a p p y Splatter a n d the Joke's Wearing Thin Surely they've run out of screaming children a n d amorous teenagers to s h o w this to? I might have to think up a n e w amusing concept soon!

Vanilla Sky M m m m . Vanilla. Good for three things - putting in ice cream, sniffing to encourage w e i g h t loss, and smearing on... Anyway, Tom Cruise stars, apparently.

From Hell Unusually, Johnny Depp plays a troubled, slightly mystical character who, to a d d an extra twist, is clairvoyant. M s Voyant is considering legal action. Arf, arf.

' i uH • • .." Two classic films

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Ocean's E l e v e n Casinoes, heists, money, Pitt a n d Roberts (not being Mexican), George C l o o n e y (not b e i n g a doctor), D a m o n (not hunting any goodwill) and Garcia (er...)

M o n s t e r s Inc. Yeah, so it m i g h t b e funny, b u t w h a t y o u really n e e d to k n o w about is w h a t they've got i n their computers. L i k e , those 1337-MF C P U s really kick ass!

Delia's H o w To Cook It's Mine once again for A-f po6i}\: ®Mm r h p t - J l y o n - Pi M.' ' 'I. ' the dove from above. wine;!" d & • world:;;||i;afe Wmmfl4c£knmin: So ids §IIB|Wi tQ' • be . g r i t t y Coo; ctfty!: •: Oh'"' ao|;.; f-iani? moned Ulrika J o n n s o n worth doing. This week, aefiistai:3y ":.ariii'' set i u by ra|st aisiPl .' : G!iIeM f I have been mostly eat- •iy$/ei;p&oI#' -'- t!i6ii, "Poliy where's that frytll^yMri?, angyC mairJKbable! 2xztic'' BBC2r9:30iMs,):; ;.S BBC2, 8 30pm :












Beth Orton, and friends I don't k n o w if you need a Central Reservation for t h i s one. Snigger. Beth Orton apparently appears with other acoustic and folky types. Cherry Jam, free - £7

Defenestration M a n u Chao Their w e b s i t e w a s out You're all erudite people, there, man. A l l very hal- and k n o w full w e l l that lucinogenic 'with lots of this means throwing w i e r d music. I c a n only stuff out of a w i n d o w . imagine that's w h a t Whether or not this lot they play. deserve it is up to you... Shepherd's Bush Empire Garage

IrrtercoUege Boat E a e s in > ' i i , ' nliy - 'I /.,,., v u . U'i,'Cl id';,', A I;Ai0W - form i - -yes to Not t t


Jueiido i Baal. a« - • from T i d d l y w i n k Race Scale the behemoth of f |-t .<ii i-iiv f ' m i u , . w i t h the South K e n s i n g t o n y o i i r frtends to collect • i ll'il • tit.! . iuy.K' ••>' otccy i y p i ' l i fiag. c i , - i , campuses w i l l be able to 'l-y l'l'>y ' e m up cm; I >>'•>,'• d l y w i n k s d o w n Oxford wave at those enjoying fu.-ct i.;'«! *t, -j.f- I'll leave: thai to you t h e wlew, Liincihtlme-WS: Union Concert Hall. 6pm \Soii}ewhe-ee, i'2pm Queen's T o w e r Trips


.Piusfc Monk S h o w : f B s p e e t o r M o n s g Another • dot-dashing '<'.• ",i-ii" , •! L i z close of det;ecti¥e':dr«d.gMoores continue • their ery. Unpleasant events wee&Jy u a w l .through ail in Oxford, a n d I'm not things unmtxsicsl with a iu • tacking about tae look at classic covers, i vi' a 'i : Anamorphic "Dark moody smouldering dark w a v e that tastes of lusciously quiet and rather velvetly erotic t h i n g s . . . " Well, yes. Monarch,









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Nomination P a p e r s Down Hustings


Friday, February 15 Tuesday, February 26 Wye Campus, JCR Union


Wednesday, February 27 South Ken Campus, dBs Club Bar


Results D e c l a r e d

Thursday, February 28 Friday, March 1 Monday, March 4 South Ken Campus,

(at 12 noon)

Union Dining Hall

Kj Sabbatical Elections

• * imperial ••• college union

reviews books

The Bonesetters Daughter Amy Tan

The Summons John Grisham

Reading the quote on the back of this book could be somewhat misleading, "told w i t h originality a n d humour....keeps y o u guessing, l a u g h i n g and crying until the e n d . " Now, even if I do say so myself, I have a pretty good sense of humour but this is certainly not a humorous book, leaving me to wonder whether the Sunday Express critic h a d actually read it!

Ray Atlee a n d his brother, Forrest, are s u m m o n e d to Clanton, M i s s i s s i p p i , b y their dying father, J u d g e R e u b e n Atlee. Once a beloved local chancellor w h o gave money and support to whoever asked, Atlee became a recluse in his last years after he lost his last election.

Nonetheless, this is a really great novel, not something that w i l l brighten your day, b u t a riveting account of life's ups a n d downs from t w o generations of family. The first part is told b y Ruth, daughter of L u L i n g , w h o is living in the modern w e s t e r n w o r l d . She juggles work, w i t h her live-in lover; A r t , h i s children; F i a a n d Dory a n d caring for her aging mother w h o s e memory is failing rapidly. Her relationship w i t h her mother is tense and this book explores h o w the relationship evolves as Ruth uncovers secrets from her mothers past life i n China. The b e g i n n i n g of LuLing's life is buried deep i n her memory and is revealed in the second part of this book. This is where the book really gets started; the story told b y L u L i n g is both amazing and tragic. B a s e d i n the nineteen thirties i n a time where superstition ruled a n d w o m e n were second class citizens, LuLing's childhood is continuously disrupted as she is forced to move from one home to another before finally moving to Ameri ca. This novel provides a personal account of the effects of w a r on the i n d i v i d u a l people involved'. L u i L i n g a n d her sister, G a o L i n g , are survivors i n the truest form and Ruth realizes this as she hears more from her mothers tale, eventually she sees L u L i n g as a selfless w o m a n , scared b y her o w n superstitions and haunted b y her past. L u L i n g decides to write her life's story d o w n because she realizes her memory is fading, and so she writes her tale - the story of the bonesetter's daughter. The Bonesetters Daughter is a wonderfully w o v e n tale of love, loss, betrayal and the strength of the maternal bond. A n intriguing book that w i l l keep y o u t u r n i n g the pages right until the end. P u b l i s h e d b y Flamingo, ÂŁ6.99.


He lived alone a n d sick, d y i n g of cancer, i n a decaying antebellum shamble called M a p l e Run. Ray has become a successful professor in the l a w department of the University of Virginia, w h i l e his younger brother, Forrest, has devoted himself to drugs, alcohol a n d trouble. Reuben, of course, disapproves of Forrest's lifestyle, but has spent thousands on rehab a n d legal bills for his w a y w a r d son. Life, though, has h a d its o w n p a i n for Ray. H i s apparently happy marriage ended suddenly w h e n his wife got a better offer from an extremely rich older Wall Street operator. Ray arrives at M a p l e R u n a n d discovers not only that his father is dead but also that there is more t h a n three million dollars i n cash h i d d e n i n stationery boxes i n his father's study. A w i l l instructs Ray to divide the judge's assets w i t h his brother and to act as the executor. Ray starts to question where the money came from. He is reluctant to declare it as it might prove that the judge w a s not so honourable. He is also u n w i l l i n g to share it w i t h his brother due to w h a t he w o u l d probably spend it on. A more pressing problem for Ray is that someone else k n o w s about the money and is determined to obtain it no matter what. The Summons is G r i s h a m w r i t i n g the k i n d of novel he has become famous for w h i l e also being the type of novel that his die-hard fans love. Ray is a n interesting character w h o at the beginning is keen to do the right t h i n g but b y the end is caught up in the intoxicating effects of money. The novel itself is not as good as early G r i s h a m works due to the plot t a k i n g a long time to get going and the unemotional and one-dimensional prose of many of the other characters. The saving grace for the reader is that the plot does come together w e l l b y the e n d w i t h a very thought provoking ending. Published b y Century, ÂŁ16.99.


film review

Ocean's Eleven released 15th February

Cool and Crazy released 8th February

A t the 2001 Oscars Steven Soderbergh made history by becoming the first post-war director to get t w o of his films, Traffic and Erin Brokovich, Oscar-nominated in the best director category. But does that give h i m the right to make a movie that is so lightweight that it could get i n the ring w i t h Naseem Hamed?! Apparently so. It does. G i v e h i m the right. To.

Though a few degrees colder, this simply made documentary is a Nordic version of Buena V i s t a Social Club. Knut Erik Jensen's film follows the male voice choir of Berlevag, a 30-strong group from the harsh surroundings of Finnmark. W r a p p e d up against the elements, they sing the first of many haunting, melancholic pieces concerned w i t h the natural w o r l d and the trials of life.

H a v i n g just been released from prison, Danny Ocean (George Clooney) rounds up a g a n g of about a dozen or so professionals to rob three of Terry Benedict's (Andy Garcia) casinos in one night. For a reason w h i c h still remain a mystery to me, he calls his c r e w 'Ocean's eleven'. A n d that, listeners, is where Soderbergh subsequently got the title of his movie. H o w the facts fall into place - like the pieces of an elementary jigsaw.

We are introduced to various men from the choir i n c l u d i n g octogenarian brothers, an ex-addict, the local commie and their wheel-chair bound conductor. We learn about their respective private lives and their v i e w s on the choir to w h i c h they are all so loyal and w h i c h offers respite from the bleak reality of life i n the t o w n . Despite the huge differences in age, the group are very close and supportive of each other. The local fisheries may be closing one after the other, but the sense of community running through all those connected to the choir is clearly strong.

Ocean's Eleven is perhaps more remarkable for its acting lineup t h a n anything else. Clooney's posse includes M a t t Damon, Brad Pitt, J u l i a Roberts, and famous Chuckle brother, Barry Chuckle. A n d there's even a cameo from Lennox L e w i s . They must have spent a fair few dollars getting this lot together. In fact, rumour has it Barry Chuckle w a s p a i d b y the second. Unfortunately, the movie suffers from there being too many 'stars'. There is no central performance and none of the acting is daring enough to carry it through to the ending.

There is little plot to speak of, barring a visit to the R u s s i a n t o w n of M u r m a n s k to take part in a concert. The choir is keen

There is very little that c a n be said about this film apart from the fact that it is highly predictable and formulaic. Everything about it is formulaic. The dialogue, the acting, the wafer-thin plot. You k n o w from the start they're going to get away w i t h the heist. / don't care if I've just given the plot away! Because as Imperial Students you should be able to clock that one straight off.

on taking the trip, and all are amusingly eager to flirt w i t h some local Russian ladies, teasing their partners about w a l t z i n g w i t h comely babushkas. Once into the former Soviet U n i o n though, the group are truly shocked at the surrounding environment, so alien to their unspoilt homeland. A b l a z i n g row breaks out on the coach between the communist and virtually everyone else onboard, as he tries to defend this rapi ng of the landscape. The documentary is filmed at a languid pace, without voiceover or incidental music. A l l w e are exposed to is the choir members themselves. Their personalities come through strongly and their frequently amusing stories are shot in a d e a d p a n style. It is a shame that the m u s i c a l scenes are w h a t let the film d o w n .

If you're looking for some lightly flavoured entertainment, I w o u l d recommend salted crisps. Not a b u n c h of over-paid egomaniacs playing out their over-indulgent childhood fantasies by robbing a casino. N o t h i n g more to say, so I'm just t w i d d l i n g my thumbs. Just sitting here t y p i n g away, trying to finish off this review. Look h o w the end is getting nearer. It's a M o n d a y morning, and the g r u m b l i n g of my stomach reminds me that I forgot to have breakfast. But I never have breakfast anyway. Eh?

W i t h only limited concert footage, w e are s h o w n countless staged scenes of the choir, in varyi ng locations, w i t h the camera p a n n i n g up and d o w n the line of singers. This gets tiresome and only adds to the sense that w e are b e i n g sold the accompanying soundtrack, but w h a t w e learn in the rest of the film is fascinating and more than makes up for this repetitiveness. Cool and Crazy is being currently shown at the Renoir (020 7837-8402) and the Odeon Wardour Street (0870 -505-0007)


D a r l U S

Adam Joyce

interview film Does c o m i n g f r o m a b i g f a m i l y have a n y c o n n e c t i o n to y o u r b e i n g i n v o l v e d i n c o m e d y ? It brought out the performer i n me to some extent, I suppose. People often talk to me about middle child syndrome, w h i c h I'd never heard of until I became successful, but w e were a b i g family. We're not particularly touchy feely, because there's too many of us. So w e w o u l d express affection by t a k i n g the M i c k e y out of people a n d seeing w h o c a n be the funniest, a n d you d i d have to shout to get noticed, so there w a s some of that. W h a t w a s the most dangerou s or s c a r y s t u n t y o u got to do on The Parole Officer?

Steve Coogan is THE PAROLE OFFICER Steve Coogan is probably more famous as Alan Partridge, but most of us know him as the one of Britain's greatest ever comedians. To celebrate the 15th February rental release on DVD and VHS of his first movie, The Parole Officer, we have this fascinating interview in which he talks about script-writing, film literacy, and the effect his upbringing had on his choice of career. Was there pressure o n y o u to m a k e a n A l a n P a r t r i d g e m o v i e for y o u r first l e a d i n g role o n t h e b i g screen? I think an A l a n Partridge film w a s mooted very early on. It w o u l d have been easier a n d more straightforward in the industry for me to get the go ahead for that sort of film. But whenever I do something I ask myself what's to be gained from it a n d what's potentially c a n be lost from doing it - a n d on that I think there w a s more to be lost t h a n gained from it. You co-wrote t h e Parole Officer. Was it a h a r d t h i n g to share out the f u n n y lines, a n d not keep the best ones for yourself? It is tricky. I c a n remember w r i t i n g the script w i t h Henry Normal (the other co-writer) c o m i n g up w i t h a funny line and suggesting it for another character, a n d Henry w o u l d say 'don't you w a n t to say that, it's a really funny line? and I'd say, 'okay, you've t w i s t e d my arm'. W h a t I say to people is that I shared out the funny lines, but I kept the best ones for myself. The other characters do have some good lines after all. I'm generous but not stupid.

Sliding b e t w e e n t w o buildings on a wire w a s quite scary. Actors always say they d i d their o w n stunts to maintain the integrity of the film, but I d i d them because they looked like a lot of fun. What y o u forget is that something simple like falling off a chair, w h i c h most people could do once w i t h relative physical impunity, starts to hurt w h e n you do it a dozen times. Fortunately they p a d you up. Do y o u f i n d a c t i n g o n f i l m easier t h a n o n t e l e v i s i o n ? No, it's a lot more difficult doing this because I k n o w I'm quite good at is being annoying a n d funny for half a n hour. People are prepared to sacrifice half an hour of their lives if y o u make them laugh, even if you're annoying. The difficulty of carrying a film, or playing the lead role, is that it's more difficult because I always find it easier to portray myself as b e i n g s t u p i d a n d unlikeable and idiotic. To play a character w h o engages the audience and is likeable is far more difficult, it's a more subtle k i n d of challenge really. I w a s g u i d e d i n that b y the director, because in some w a y s w r i t i n g it w a s easier. Doing it on the set w a s the difficult thing. H o w to p i t c h it, h o w b i g to make the performance; often on television you c a n do a b i g performance, because on screen things are amplified. Here more subtlety w a s required. W o u l d y o u describe y o u r s e l f as v e r y f i l m literate? I like film, I'm a film buff, but I'm not a film anorak. Some people have pointed out references i n The Parole Officer to other films that I didn't k n o w were there. But my k n o w l e d g e of h o w to write films came from w a t c h i n g other films a n d being influenced by them.


H o w different is it, w r i t i n g for f i l m i n s t e a d of television? It's completely different, this w a s a very steep learning curve for me. W h e n J o h n D u i g a n (director) came on board he helped i n the w r i t i n g process a n d pointed out things that Henry and I w o u l d not have foreseen as being problematic. A l s o there w a s a lot more dialogue t h a n I w o u l d have been u s e d to in television, where I have more autonomy. I h a d lots of discussions w i t h D u n c a n about the right a n d w r o n g w a y to do something. I had some verbose conversations w i t h him, w h i c h all went to m a k i n g the film better. A n y point that w a s w o r t h arguing about w a s argued about and t h e n resolved.

FELIX ON FILM COMPETITION For fans of the much-lauded TAXI, TAXI 2 w i l l be a hit. The same characters, the same jokes, a n d more of the same mental car chases. TAXI 2 has been released for rental on D V D and V H S formats, but w h y bother w h e n you have the opportunity to w i n it i n this week's competition? If you w a n t to w i n a copy of TAXI 2 on video then answer this question: W h o w o te the script for Taxi and Taxi 2? a) G e r a r d Pires b) P a u l Ree c) L u c Besson Just email y o u answer to The w i n n e r of the Timelapse competition w a s C h r i s W r i g h t .

music reviews

Lo-Fidelity Allstars

Nine Inch Nails

Tanya Donelly

Don't Be Afraid Of Love

And All That Could Have Been


Out this Monday

Out now on Interscope

Out this Monday

on Skint


A t a recent Felix M u s i c meeting, a fellow reviewer t r i ed to prise this recording from my hands w i t h a viciously w i e l d e d bottle of Bombay Sapphire, stolen from the editor's private g i n stash. I stubbornly refused to h a n d it over, risking life and limb and probably m a k i n g a n enemy for life in the process. But w a s it all w o r t h it? Let us investigate... Don't Be Afraid Of Love is album num ber 3 from the British beatmeisters and FabricLive regulars, a n d it seems like business as usual. L o r d "big-ass" Beats and his trusty sidekick Prince Bouncy Funk Bass mingle socially w i t h M r and M r s Indie Vocals, s i p p i n g from cocktails lovingly constructed by the Bigbeat barm a n at a private seventies-themed party in the Sheffield suburbs. Every n o w and again, L o r d Beats disappears to get some more special b r e w from the fridge, and Bass and Vocals are allowed a little privacy to indulge in w h a t the locals may once have called "chillout" (a phrase n o w only heard coming from the lips of Radio 2 presenters and Telegraph columnists, thanks to a c e r t a i n M r M o b y ) . A t various points throughout the e v e n i n g , a couple of friends (star-spectacled Bootsy Collins included) turn up to share a beer, c h e w the c u d and use the loo. The whole event passes swimmingly. Everyone grabs their coats and agrees that "Yes, w e really must do this again sometime soon". A s the party disappears slowly over the horizon, I sit back and think to myself "Sorry Patrick, I wouldn't trade this for a bottle of ropey spirits any day of the w e e k " .



N i n e Inch Nails have always been somet h i n g of a guilty pleasure for me. Or rather The Downward Spiral has, since pretty m u c h everything else they've done has struck me as either boring or ridiculous, and I'm still unsure as to w h y their second album doesn't have the same effect. Accordingly, I approached this n e w live album w i t h caution, as it contains a mere four Spiral-era songs, compared w i t h six tracks from The Fragile and six earlier songs. I w a s thus pleasantly surprised to find that the album is, for the most part, excellent. Songs from their debut release Pretty Hate Machine benefit greatly from increased guitar and sample content, w i t h Terrible Lie and Head Like A Hole rocking like water buffalo. The songs from Spiral are predictably great, and indeed the only weak points are the boring-as-hell tracks from their most recent work. A s i d e from their gothby-numbers titles, songs like The Frail and The Wretched must have bored the arses off the live audience, and they inspire instant use of the skip button. The album ends, of course, w i t h Hurt, still the most moving song to come out of the industrial genre. It's a good listen, then. But counting against it is the fact that a live show from the mid-nineties - or, more to the point, a copy of The Downward Spiral - w o u l d be infinitely better. If you have every other Nine Inch Nails release, you'll probably buy And All That Could Have Been anyway. If you don't, t h e n b u y m y favourite album-that-you-love-in-spite-of-itself, and stop there.

Toby G

on 4AD


Tanya Donelly is something of an alternative music legend, h a v i n g been a founder member of T h r o w i n g M u s e s , The Breeders and Belly. T h r o w i n g M u s e s were one of the great college bands of the 1980s, w i t h Kristen Hersh's folk/punk songs providing the soundtrack to many a tortured teen's life. The Breeders were formed by Donelly a n d the Pixies' K i m Deal, i n an effort to take a break from b e i n g second bananas in their m a i n bands. After a couple of excellent Pixies-style albums, they w ent on a seemingly endless hiatus. Donelly then formed her o w n b a n d , Belly, who seemed destined for the b i g time w h e n their debut album w ent gold and the single Feed the Tree became a mainstream radio hit. It wasn't to be, however, and Donelly d i s b a n d e d Belly and released her first solo album in 1997. Since then, she has released very little, m a k i n g this, her s e c o n d solo a l b u m , something of a comeback effort. Sadly, Beautysleep is pretty underw h e l m i n g - she seems to have lost the knack of w r i t i n g catchy songs in a misplaced search for atmosphere. Consequently, most of the tracks feature barely-there vocals over a fuzzy guitar/organ sound, w h i c h makes for nice background music but little more. That said, some tracks do stand out; The Night You Saved My Life being a case in point, w i t h (gasp) audible vocals. A n d there's the rub: singer-songwriter material suffers w h e n the songs play second fiddle to the sounds. It's nice enough, but you never feel compelled to come back to it.

Toby G

reviews music

LIVE: Alien Ant Farm + Dredg + Vex Red @ Brixton Academy You probably think that A l i e n A n t Farm are a b u n c h of twats. You'd be wrong. That dubious honour goes to Dredg (sic), probably the worst b a n d I've ever seen live. A s the second support b a n d , Dredg proceeded to utterly destroy any atmosphere created b y openers V e x Red, for w h o m the c r o w d w e n t nuts despite the fact that their music w a s utterly formulaic. Soft verses, loud choruses? Check. Alternating breathy a n d strained vocals? Check. J u m p i n g up a n d d o w n to aid the "rock" look? Check. A n g s t y lyrics? Dyed hair? Snazzy threads? Check, check, check. Not bad, but I wouldn't slit my wrists if I never heard t h e m again.

D r e d g were four accountants m a k i n g turgid music i n the general style of Tool, only worse. The singer h a d a nice voice, but his range consisted solely of three notes. Al so, the spray-painted naked w o m a n they h a d w a t e r i n g plants onstage departed after one song. None out of five, plus a sound beating.

••••• So the scene w a s set for A l i e n A n t F a r m (pic above) to amble on, arse about for a n hour a n d annoy me. Instead, they provided a thoroughly entertaining evening's entertainment. They stand out from the nu-metal hordes b y injecting a healthy dose of melody into every song a n d b y generally being fun. They're a w e s o m e musicians too. Dryden M i t c h e l l has a fine voice, and he really sustained the tunes in the acoustically-challenged enormodrome that is Brixton Academy. The incredible rhythm section were rock solid, w h i c h w a s even more impressive given that the bassist stomped about like a gorilla i n the heat, p l a y i n g b e h i n d his back and gurni ng for his country. Smooth Criminal w a s undoubtedly the highlight, sped up and adrenalised into a version that not even Wacko Jacko could complain about.


LIVE: Staind @ Brixton Academy H a v i n g sold over six million copies of their a l b u m Break The Cycle, one of the biggest bands i n A m e r i c a come to Brixton A c a d e m y for one reason, and that is to rock. A b l y supported by Puddle of M u d d , Staind put on a show consisting of slick sounds, introspection a n d sheer power that w i l l be difficult to match. Don't make the mistake of tossing Staind i n w i t h the rest of the current crop of nu-metal bands - trust me, they are definitely more like old-fashioned rock, w i t h some grunge chucked in for good measure. O n production albums, they rawk, sing ballads a n d d r a w y o u i n close to the speakers to make sure you don't miss the message. Live, things are no different. No matter w h i c h s o n g they're p l a y i n g , from the a c o u s t i c - s o u n d i n g Epiphany to the all-out rock of Can't Believe, Staind get into the c r o w d and get your body moving. Playing live, A a r o n L e w i s is a bit of a strange frontman - at times, he is right u p front serenading the c r o w d w i t h his powerful voice, but on other occasions he c a n seem detached, as if it hurts to sing the words. A t these points, Staind find a more than suitable second lieutenant in M i k e Mushok, w h o makes his guitar sing w i t h the p a s s i o n that obviously flows through him. A n d this is the ultimate w o r d for Staind p l a y i n g live: passion. They ooze passion, right from L e w i s ' vocals to April's drums, as if they are b e g g i ng y o u to come i n closer, expend your energy and then think about w h a t is w r o n g in your life a n d h o w to make it better. Outstanding songs of the night are Open Your Eyes, Fade, Suffer, a full b a n d version of Outside a n d encore song It's Been Awhile. Outside is brilliant, because of the sheer intimacy a n d intensity of the performance. Fade a n d Suffer s h o w the ease w i t h w h i c h the b a n d can transfer from calmness to madness i n t w o chords a n d bring the pit along w i t h them. Open Your Eyes and It's Been Awhile are very slick reproductions of the album tracks, w i t h a certain extra flavour. A l l i n all, a very good concert, let d o w n only b y the o d d bout of over-introspection from L e w i s .


music reviews INTERVIEW with Tetra Splendour Tetra Splendour have released t w o singles so far, a n d they recorded their debut a l b u m last year. Felix spoke to Peter a n d Gaz from the b a n d before their recent g i g at the M o n a r c h (see review, right). FELIX: C o u l d y o u introduce yourselves? P E T E R : The four of us, we're called Tetra Splendour a n d we're from Wales. We all met at school a couple of years back. Three of us started off the b a n d doing jazz. That's all w e were b a s i cally interested in, just p l a y i n g instruments and stuff. A n d then w e started s u p p o r t i n g bands... H o w l o n g ago w a s that? P E T E R : A b o u t three years ago. Yeah, three years ago, and then me and G a z got a s o n g w r i t i n g partnership going. W h a t have y o u b e e n d o i n g since t h e n ? P E T E R : We toured i n September, fourteen dates. We'd never been on the road before, so that w a s our first experience. H o w d i d t h a t go? W h a t k i n d of places w e r e y o u p l a y i n g ? PETER: Clubs, toilets... You s a i d y o u s t a r t e d off p l a y i n g j a z z stuff - w a s that other people's stuff? P E T E R : I think w e k i n d a jammed our o w n ideas - you t r y to be as original as y o u can, I suppose. A n d w e obviously h a d to change w h a t w e were d o i n g just to t r y to get a record deal a n d make a l i v i n g out of it. We just took our influences and basically decided w h a t w e ' d do. We d i d the demos a n d sent t h e m off, and that w a s w h y w e got record companies coming to gigs. G A Z : It wasn't a very sensational w a y to get signed. I mean, w e did it the b o g standard w a y - everyone and their bosses had to come a n d see us before w e got the cash. It took a good few months, maybe six months, maybe even a year... H a v e y o u b e e n t o u t i n g y o u r s e l v e s a r o u n d t h e student newspapers? P E T E R : [Laughs] Yeah! We d i d that on the first tour actually. G A Z : Student 'papers t e n d to be nicer, because they t e n d to be less offensive. W h a t are y o u t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e future t h e n , if a n y t h i n g ? P E T E R : Well, w e just w a n t to get out of Britain really. Just g i g a lot, tour a lot. We just w a n t to u p the level of the gigs, get them centred around our live show. G A Z : I don't k n o w h o w m u c h more w e can get out of gigs where people just aren't interested, basically. We need to be exposed to a larger audience. Sorry, t h e tape's r a n out. I guess that's it... G A Z : H a n g on, c a n I just say one thing? I read a n article earlier [in Felix], a n d it w a s a g i g review a n d I can't remember the name of the person. We were associated w i t h the Toploader kind of, er, thing. A n d I'd just like to mention that. Really?! Y o u r e m e m b e r these t h i n g s ?

LIVE: Tetra Splendour + Fi-Lo Radio @ The Monarch Stupidly named three-piece F i - L o R a d i o have all the ingredients: a female bassist (cf. Pixies, Sonic Youth), a c h u b b y male vocalist (cf. M o g w a i ) a n d a wild-eyed drummer (cf. any rock band). The first three tracks are delivered in the style one w o u l d expect from such a trio: good energy, loud guitars and fantastic bass, w i t h plenty of trad metal a n d s t a d i u m rock influences. A l l of that goes out of the w i n d o w on the next three tracks though, as the p a s s i o n of the opening numbers is quelled b y the need to sound marketable. Fortunately, their final track is awesome - screaming alt-metal w o r t h y of The Bastards or N a p a l m Death, w i t h true stadium kitsch showpiece rock attitude.

The N e w E l e c t r i c s seem to have been touring C a m d e n for years, playing to their musically a n d fashionably retarded following. The b a n d are a hopeless b u n c h of posers and posturers. This is trash for the sake of it, a n d they can't even do sleaze properly.

••••• G a z seems like the shy, quiet type i n person. But w h e n he's at the front of the stage, equipped w i t h a mike and t w o keyboards, an alternative persona is allowed to express itself. A n d there is a lot of expression to be found in the music of Tetra Splendour. The background of guitars and drums provides a frame for the varied emotions a n d accompanying sounds b e i n g coaxed, w r e n c h e d or cajoled from the keyboards. It's not all tortuous, emotional stuff though. There's humour i n the lyrics as w e l l as simple boy-meets-girl sentiments, sometimes w i t h a d d e d twists.

G. Yeah. It's just having Toploader on the same page, in the article about us. In a n attempt to explain w h a t w e were doing. We were quite hurt, frankly.

Tetra Splendour w o u l d benefit from a larger stage, as their music has an enveloping capacity similar to the atmosphere generated at a Tindersticks gig. Oh, a n d they sound nothing like Toploader.



reviews music OUT


The following are due for release on M o n d a y 18 February: ALBUMS AIR - Everybody Hertz T A N Y A D O N E L L Y - Beautysleep LO-FIDELITY A L L S T A R S - Don't Be Afraid Of Love SINGLES A - Nothing M A X I M I L I A N H E C K E R - Polyester T E L E P O P M U S I K - Breathe V E X R E D - Can't Smile ...and also the Beverley Knight, Ikara Colt, M i d d l e r o w and Freeheat singles (all reviewed below) S P I R I T U A L I Z E D - Do It A l l O v e r A g a i n

Singles Roundup B E V E R L E Y KNIGHT - Shoulda Woulda Coulda This British R & B artist (pic above) has never really made it big, although she's always i n the background. Hopefully this single w i l l elevate her status. You can guess from the title that it's all about regret and w h a t could have been. There's a lot of feeling here, but it doesn't sound soppy thanks to a good backing track. This has something more t h a n the standard R & B ballad, w h i c h makes me think that it should do well.



IAN B R O W N - Whispers This is the monkey king's best 45 since, ooh, I'm gonna stick my neck out here and say... Fool's Gold. The track starts w i t h skittering electronic bleeps and synth washes, before ki c ki ng into one of those scally-funk choruses w h i c h seem to have become his trademark. A definite return to form. It's good to have h i m back.

Tommy Mack M U L L HISTORICAL SOCIETY - Watching Xanadu The latest bout of catchy, bouncy, fun-filled guitar pop from Colin Maclntyre and associates is w e l l w o r t h getting hold of, even if the l y r i c s are a little difficult to u n d e r s t a n d . Unfortunately though, the B-sides on the first of the t w o CDs leave a lot to be desired. The second C D is a m u c h better bet, as it contains the delightfully continental-sounding Sad Old Day To Be Down and the highly a m u s i n g video for Watching Xanadu, featuring C o l i n himself in a pair of red velvet bunny ears.

Jess COMPETITION WINNER Kei-Tee Tiew, a postgrad i n E E , has w o n a copy of the soundtrack to the film How High. Kei-Tee k n e w that Redman's latest solo a l b u m is entitled Malpractice.

This is a happy little ditty - very happy. In fact, so happy that it w i l l corrode the very core of your cynical self, replacing it w i t h little fluffy bunnies, so be w a r n e d . Bunnies aside, this has the gospel feel of many a Spiritualized track, w i t h loud piano chords and even tambourines. It w o u l d work very w e l l live, but, as it's the only track on the C D , this gets very w e a r i n g after the tenth play. Never mind.



I K A R A COLT - R u d d Ikara Colt, it seems, are an up and coming indie band, for w h o m random shouting is clearly the order of the day. Indeed, this single has a large helping. Dischords and distortion are certainly close to their hearts too. The end result, a strange cross b e t w e e n The Hives and Clinic, rather unexpectedly grew on me. If that sounds like your thing, then it might be w o r t h keeping an eye on this band...

Jamie M I D D L E R O W - Right Proper Charlie This U K garage pisstake sounds creepily like The Shamen's Ebenezer Goode (cockney rapping, crap rhymes) and attempts to do for coke w h a t that track d i d for E. It doesn't really work, not least because Charlie turns everyone into a loud-mouthed self important wanker and therefore deserves no celebration. It's a shame, because w h e n a decent M C comes on, this isn't actually a b a d track. But it's not as funny as they think it is.

Tommy Mack F R E E H E A T - Retox These guys are just your normal indie b a n d but w i t h t w o singers - one m a n and one w o m a n . This makes the first song The Two of Us sound alright, but the lyrics are a bit dodgy. The EP starts uptempo, slows d o w n and then is supposed to finish w i t h a bang, but it all sounds very average. The songs sound samey and none of them really stand out. A l t h o u g h this isn't terrible, I've heard it all before.


clubbing reviews INTERVIEW with DJ Touche D J Touche plays regularly at some of the U K ' s b i g g e s t and best clubs, such as London's Fabric a n d The Boutique i n Brighton. Formerly k n o w n as The Wiseguys, he scored a huge hit w i t h Ooh La La (the B u d w e i s er theme), w h i c h made it to number t w o i n the U K singles chart. Touche is n o w one of the star names involved i n the Orange student nightclub tour, a n d Felix spoke to h i m before his headline set at G o l d s m i t hs (see review, left). F E L I X : So h o w ' s t h e O r a n g e t o u r going? D J T O U C H E : It's going all right, it's not too strenuous 'cause it only goes i n term-time and you're only doing weekends or close to weekends. It's not like d o i n g a normal tour w h e n you're playing, you know, every day. W h a t sort of stuff are y o u g o i n g to be p l a y i n g t o n i g h t ?

Enjoymusicv.2 @ Goldsmiths College Union After w i n d i n g its w a y around the various universities i n the land, the Orange tour h a s finally made it back to London. The concept is simple: Orange a n d their expert team of light a n d sound people invade a students' union for the night, bringing a selection of top flight D J s w i t h them. The students get a good night out, and Orange get their logo plastered all over the union in question. Felix reviewers, of course, just get plastered. "Is it any good?" I hear you cry. In a word, yes. Despite a slow start at its under-attended L o n d o n launch, the tour has gained significant m o m e n t u m and has sold out nearly every venue it's been to. The stellar line-ups may have had something to do w i t h this, a n d the night at G o l d s m i t hs U n i o n w a s no exception. D J Touche (pic above) and C u t l a Roc were the talent on offer, a n d they were w e l l w o r t h a trip south of the river. Goldsmiths, if you weren't aware, is located near N e w Cross station i n south-east London a n d is seen b y many as the "anti-Imperial", w i t h its more t h a n generous h e l p i n g of liberal arts students.

H o u s e stuff really, funky house, n o t h i n g too schmaltzy. Whatever I play, I like it to be funky, y o u know, quality shit. There's no point i n coming on a n d p l a y i n g four hours of really blokey breakbeat - you've got to make it a good set. You've got t w o n e w t r a c k s c o m i n g out soon - w i l l t h e y be a n e w d i r e c t i o n for y o u , or m o r e of t h e W i s e g u y s sort of t h i n g ? Basically, The Wiseguys is finished. The W i s e g u y s w a s those t w o albums, it w a s on Wall of Sound, and I'm not The Wiseguys any more. That w a s just one part of m y career. But even before I made The Wiseguys i n '92 I w a s producing house records so, you know, that's always been a part of me. I learnt m y trade, as it were, m a k i n g hip-hop beats and house beats. So house m u s i c , y o u r n e w face, it's n o t a b o u t b e c o m i n g more commercial... No, no, no, it's not commercial. Hip-hop is probably more commercial t h a n house music, d'you k n o w w h a t I mean? I'm sure Jay-Z sells more records than the house guys. W h a t do y o u t h i n k to people w h o o n l y p l a y one type of music?

W h e n w e arrived at the venue, w e were greeted by a multitude of toys, most of w h i c h were familiar to veterans of the London launch. A g a i n , the g l o w w a l l proved to be most popular, w i t h a number of hilarious comedy shadows being produced. The giant text screen w a s less good, having been altered b y the thought police so I couldn't use any rude words.

Well, it depends w h a t that one style is. If you're there p l a y i n g one style of music for ten, fifteen, however many years, that's fine, so long as you're good at it and you're innovative. I'm not saying y o u should try to be really clever a n d play everything, 'cause often that's just a complete bodge - you just have to play w h a t feels right, you k n o w ?

The m a i n difference b e t w e e n this a n d the launch night w a s the atmosphere - a p a c k e d dance floor of drunken students contrasting w i t h the handful of competition w i n n e r s a n d assorted "we're too cool to d a n c e " m e d i a types.

So w h i c h other c u r r e n t e s t a b l i s h e d D J s a n d artists do y o u p a r t i c u l a r l y like?

Touche (see interview, right) w o r k e d the dancefloor well, mixing a good variety of records over l l O b p m . M y favourite tunes of the evening were M a x Linen's fantastic Soulshaker a n d a remix of a M a r y J Blige track. In general, Touche's selection of

DJs I don't know... I've always found that a hard one, 'cause I don't actually go out and listen to a D J unless I'm p l a y i n g myself or whatever. There's loads of artists I like -1 love the Neptunes, they're amazing, and T i m b a l a n d as w e l l .

After shaking m y t h i n g for some time, all that remained w a s the long journey home. Incidentally, I have w o r k e d out w h y night buses n o w have plastic rear seats upstairs - it's for their useful wipe-clean property.

You've p l a y e d loads of t h e best v e n u e s a r o u n d - w h a t ' s t h e best g i g y o u ' v e ever done? A top g i g for me w a s Tokyo - playing i n Tokyo w a s amazing. I can't remember the place, it w a s that one on the Fatboy Slim documentary. M a n u m i s s i o n in '97 I played about four times, that w a s pretty amazing. A l s o p l a y i n g i n Sydney w a s a real highlight for me.



records, suited the night w e l l .

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Made Browns

Fabriclive @ Fabric

The Best Of The Rest

I doubt that w e should really believe reports that s u c h luminaries as Omar, Kele Le Roc, Wookie, Sticky, Masterstepz, Tymes 4 and Selina from Honeyz were here for the launch party on January 22. But w h o k n o w s ? I wouldn't recognize a host of music industry names even if I were sober, so maybe I shouldn't be so cynical. A n y w a y , the relaunched M a d e (previously at C C ) is still p l a y i n g a rocking mix of tunes to shake your booty to, so w h o cares who's there, so long as they are dancing.

Fabric wouldn't be Fabric without the usual mile-long queue, but once I had got in, that familiar Fabric atmosphere hit me: ground-shaking noise and the smell of w e e d . A i i .

Hey, pop-pickers. Now, you might be asking yourself w h a t is the best w a y to get rid of all of those bank notes w h i c h are

B r o w n s itself h a r d l y d e s e r v e s the "infamous" and " e x c l u s i v e " tags, unless they got t h e m for overpriced w a r m beer poured b y d i s i n t e r e s t e d staff i n an attempt to make the liggerati feel out of place. The beer aside though, the venue is ideal for this select night. W i t h its shiny red leather, opulent paintings and subdued lighting, the almost Parisian interior a l l o w s the s t y l i s h gents to lounge b y the D J box w h i l s t the honeyz cluster across the dancefloor. The list of D Js leaves us in doubt about the music policy. None of these names are k n o w n for surprising us, but all play a cool, chilled, bootilicious (or whatever) variation on the same vibe. O n rotation are: M a n n y Norte from Kiss F M , Lonyo from Garage Girls, J a m i e Binns from Soul2Streets w i t h some soulful (but not soul) flavas to gyrate to, Rachel Bee and Steve Webster from Green Island. M o s t l y its a pretty dull, charty, popular slab of vaguely R & B sounds. Overall, a harmless evening, w i t h nothing to offend the ears and something to groove to, or even drink w a r m beer to. You might even spot a few celebrities. Bling! Bling!


Unfortunately, all the name checking meant that I could only hear one song from A l i B's set. Good as it was, I w a n t e d to hear more from the guy from my local t o w n of Kingston. But I shouldn't have feared, because after him w a s Howie B doing a live breakbeat session w i t h all the d r u m machines and synths. N o w this w a s good shit. A bit of an unusual name in the line-up, John Peel w a s in Room 3. Room 3 is normally the more chilled-out room, but for his set it w a s heaving. He played some old funky v i n y l w h i l s t even s p i n n i n g some n e w stuff. He wasn't exactly the most active of D Js (well, he is older than my dad); as w e stood right next to him, he looked like he w a s t w i d d l i n g his thumbs d e c i d i n g w h a t to put on his grocery list rather t h a n choosing w h i c h record to surprise us w i t h . James Lavelle w a s next, playing some d a m n fine tunes. Smoke Machine, w h i c h lasted about ten minutes, w as simply ace. During the Smoke Machine vocal, they covered the dancefloor w i t h smoke. See w h a t they d i d there? Lavelle played a more commercial set than usual, w i t h songs like Goldtrix and The Next Level also making an appearance. If you haven't been to Fabric, you gotta go - but hurry, because it's b e g i n n i n g to get "underagey". It's a quality night out, but drink before you get there to ensure that the beer monster doesn't eat those notes and use your s w i t c h card!


sitting in your wallet and not doing very much at all. Well, here are a few ideas... F a b r i c l i v e @ F a b r i c (15/02) The usual subterranean monkey business from dark lords J a m e s Lavelle, Jazzanova, Stanton Warriors, Roni Size, Fabio, Grooverider and A l i B. The G a l l e r y @ T u r n m i l l s (15/02) It's ladies night at The Gallery as the UK/US soundclash enters its third round. Our headlmers are SisterBliss, L i s a L o u d and Sandra Collins. C i t y L o u d @ T u r n m i l l s (16/02) The ultimate party is to be found at City Loud, the superlative house night. C J M a c k i n t o s h and Full Intention are your hosts for the evening. M i x m a g @ C a r g o (20/02) For those of you prefer not to spend Wednesday night in the Union, there is a decidedly tasty chance to catch Judge Jules (doing a funky house set), L i s a Lashes and Tim Sheridan from the Dope Smugglaz. H e a d s t a r t @ T u r n m i l l s (23/02) The Headstart third birthday celebrations take place, as ever, at Turnmills. W i t h a line-up featuring Fatboy Slim, F C Kahuna and Ladytron (four hour set), this is sure to be heaving. S o u l H e a v e n @ M i n i s t r y (23/02) It does exactly w h a t it says on the tin. For your delectation are sets from Joey Negro and Kenny Carpenter. R e n a i s s a n c e @ The C r o s s (23/02) R e n a i s s a n c e graces The Cross once again, featuring Graeme Park (five hours) and Nigel D a w s o n . ...So many clubs, so little money.


coffee break

Crossword by Dr. Hot Fudge 2.













Across I. Rest on casualty w i t h a beam. (7) 5. D e h a b i l i t a t i n g blow gives bloke three points, right?






10. M a n to w i n another. (5) II. C h i l d w i t h special run scores o w n goal. (5)








A n s w e r to 1227 - Across: Vegetable, Cable, Long-Ago, Exclude, Aisle, Jitterbug, Washtub, Dog-Ends, Rubbers, Hash-Bar, A m s t e r d a m , Ogres, Toupees, Regrade, Essay, Suspender. Down: Vulva, Genesis, Tea-Kettle, Blowjob, Erected, Cycle, Bourbon, Energiser, Warrantee, Gascoigne, Basques, Sadists, Hombres, Barmaid, Enemy, Spear. No theme or any s u c h nonsense for you this week I'm afraid. I've been far too busy w a t c h i n g my inspiration and may I say, personal hero: Dr. Fox, lament over the hapless youngsters on 'cock idol'. A l t h o u g h , unlike me he is not a real fox, he does share my admiration for that Sultan of Stilton, Darius Danesh. Clearly, w e the general public need Darius in our lives, and until he teams up to do a duet (or form a pro-wrestling tagteam) w i t h that fat bloke Rick, the w o r l d w i l l be a lesser place. In other news, this w e e k s w i n n e r is T o m Tibbits, Phys 4. Next w e e k I might have something good to write about, but then again I probably won't. Dr. Hot Fudge


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B e n d the t r u t h concerning bladder. (5)

13. C o n f u s e d super first person is the greatest. (7)


Spy is after four points to sell papers? (9) Experts i n disguise are found i n phones? (7)

spring. (7) 19. Rubber extra is crap at 28.



See r e d p i g created from pure breeds. (9) Turn around concerni n g poem. (7) G i r l on all purpose vehicles gives signals. (7)

12. A w f u l l l y irate tale causes a fight back. (9)

15. G u l l i b l e fools give good head. (7) 17. G i r l comes out in 25.


Bet Satan that he's a lunatic. (9)


Down 1. F e t i s h i s t s are d i s a p pointed w i t h firsts. (7) 2. M i s t a k e made back in bar or restaurant. (5)

college. (7) 21. Five E n g l i s h endless seances b r i n g about retribution. (9) 23. Small dog is not quite u n w e l l in the eye. (5) 25. Quiet beats are concerned w i t h martyrs. (5) 26. Infra-red number plate of Raul is u n o r t h a dox.... (9) 27. ...when the total edition is accepted. (7) 28. Fight w i t h support for the French. (7)


14. Illegitimate sprog is holding no forecast. (9) 16. B u b b l y w i n n e r gets bottomless lady. (9) 17. B a d attitude in victory gives a strange air to country. (7) 18. Dude is caring to all men. (7) 19. Part of the face is in the best possible taste, w e hear. (7) 20. L e g e n d has one cont i n u i n g state of energy. (7) 22. Surrey town has record of central A s i a n currency. (5) 24. F i r s t character on land. (5)

break coffee

G F Q Q - The Great Felix Quote Quiz by Bobby Cyclops & Dr. Hot Fudge 1. "You think that's air you're breathing 2. "Hey, Laser-lips!

You're momma was a

Number of players: 65 The L e a d e r B o a r d - top 15

now?" snowblower!"

3. "Some guys say Bozz died in Vietnam, some say he just disappeared, but knowing Bozz he'd probably be pissed I was talking about him anyway."

Name Simon North Daniel Sauder Christopher Dent Chris Ince A n t h o n y Rodriques A n d r e w Ince John A n d e r s o n

Score 112.5 111 108.5 108 106.5 105.5 102.5

4. "I remember every detail, the Germans wore grey - you wore blue."

M i c h a e l Simonds Chris Toffis

88 71

Rebekah H y m a s


5. "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet."

A r o s h a Bandara Gregory M a n n Fred M a r q u i s Geoff Lay K i m Randell

61 59.5 58.5 58 58

6. "Sometimes nothin' can be a real cool hand." 7. "What the hell are you screamin' for? Every thirty seconds there's a bomb or somethin'! I'm leavin'! bzzzz!"

A n s w e r s to or to the Felix Office - West W i n g Basement, Beit Q u a d .

Answers to Indiana Jones special: 1. Henry Jones Snr/Sean Connery - The Last C r u s a d e 2. Grail Knight/Robert E d d i s o n - The Last Crusade 3. Indiana Jones/Harrison Ford - Raiders of the Lost A r k 4. Fedora/Richard Young - The Last Crusade 5. A : Willie Scott/Kate C a p s h a w B: Indy/Harrison Ford - Temple of Doom Bonus. The Club in the opening scene i n the Temple of Doom is called 'Club O b i Wan'. Al so, M i c h a e l Sheard w h o plays Hitler in the Last Crusade and Julian Glover w h o plays Walter Donovan play A d m i r a l Ozzle and General Veers respectively i n The Empire Strikes Back.

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Apologies Fudglings, for I am at fault. After exhaustive investigations, I have decided that the J a w s ' quote I truly believed w a s from 'The Spy Who Loved M e ' is i n fact from 'Moonraker'. It seems that too many Aeros have clouded my once youthfully clear and bubblefree memory. Thanks to A n t h o n y Rodriques & Co. for their S W L M vigil - points w i l l be corrected accordingly in the G F Q Q database. No Special G F Q Q theme this week, just pure quotes from all over the shop, chosen purely because they tickle our fancy. Time is running out, and from n o w on the quotes w i l l get progressively harder until a clear u n d i s p u t e d quidnunc of quote is announced in a few week's time. Valentine's Day this week, and our recommendations for romantic chocolate products w i t h good melting and spreading coefficients include: Flakes, Mars, M i l k y b a r s , Twirls and Buttons but not Twix, Time Outs, Snickers or the so-called Snowflakes. Good-luck for this week!



club active

Ultimate Frisbee Discdoctors arrived at Bristol w i t h a confidence that they were better t h a n most teams at the tournament. The first game w a s w o n w i t h ease, Doctors w i n n i n g 13-0 against a very understrength U W E . Doctors didn't even break into a sweat. The next game w a s a little more of a challenge, as the Picnic 2 team d i d i n fact turn up. Doctors p l a y e d a s o l i d game, scoring six points i n thirteen minutes w i t h one point i n reply from an inexperienced Picnic 2 team. A s A l rightly said at the end of the game, it w a s a good practice for us. The next game w a s a tight 32 w i n over the Slurry Slingers from Surrey. A l t h o u g h Doctors were clearly a better team, somehow the Surrey players managed to keep it very tight and it w a s as close as the score

suggested. This was, however, the turning point of the tournament. The next game w a s against the tournament veterans, M r M e n . Unfortunately, they managed to find five players for the game against us, so our tactics h a d to change a little. We p l a y e d solidly against their zone, but couldn't find the scori n g pass. Despite h a v i n g continued possession, the M r M e n w o n the game 4-0. This result left Doctors second i n the first pool, taking us into the second round guaranteeing a top ten finish. The next game w a s against Mythago, a n d Doctors k n e w that they were a m u c h better t e a m t h a n t h e m . However, scoring again proved to be a problem, and w e lost the game 6-4. Despite a good attempt at

a comeback, Doctors h a d left it too late, a n d the game w a s i n the hands of the home team. The c r o w d were certainly on their side, w h i c h perhaps helped diminish the Doctors' spirits. A f t e r that d i s a p p o i n t i n g result, the Doctors were confident that they could beat the Purple Haze team, seeing as m a n for man, w e were a m u c h better team. However, after a very poor start, the Doctors heads dropped, a n d w e were humiliated 8-0. The Sunday morning, after an uneventful party, Doctors were rejuvenated, a n d k n e w that the skill w i t h i n the team w o u l d take us to a good finish. A match against Bears woke us up... to a loss. However, w e were definitely a better team than them.

The next game w a s against Purple Haze O l d Boys. We were confident that our superior fitness w o u l d take us to an easy w i n over the a g e d players. After a good start, Purple Haze O l d Boys came back, a n d then took the game 5-3 (or something like that). This left us w i t h a ninthtenth place final against the old foe, Slurry Slingers. O n the bigger pitch, the Doctors clearly made use of their speed a n d more accurate p a s s i n g , a n d took a n d early 4-0 lead. T h e n they relaxed a little, a n d the Slingers came back to 6-5. The crucial pass to level it 6-6 w a s dropped b y a slinger, a n d the Doctors w e n t on to take the game comfortably, ending up ninth i n the tournament. But we're a better team t h a n that. Tim

IC Virgins Women's Rugby Wednesday, 6th February We A l l Tramped Eagerly R o u n d L o n d o n O n Gertrude's Goat Eventually D e s c e n d i n g M o u n t Herts Y o d e l l i n g A n d Really Should have Excelled. Sunday, 10th February IC Virgins 0 27 Vets It w a s a fine sunny day, a n d w e arrived at H a r l i n g t o n w i t h hope a n d love i n our hearts. We've b e e n concentrating on our intensive t r a i n i n g regime i n v o l v i n g C l a s s y yet C a m p Fabian a n d Dave (no comment there Charlotte, nudge nudge w i n k wink), h o p i n g to improve on some aspects of our game. E v i l cap-ee-tan lost the toss, but still w e started strongly w i t h a lot of p o s s e s s i o n a n d

made some territory, after that although w e h a d a share of the p o s s e s s i on w e were made to w o r k hard to keep out the tries. Tackling a n d support were greatly improved off the back of last Sunday's m a t c h a n d everyone had a stunning game. Special credit goes to D a n a n d A s h n e w girlies w h o w o n forward a n d back of the m a t c h respectively, for their s t u n n i n g r u n n i n g a n d defensive efforts. Our committee m u s t also have a mention w i t h Fetish Queen, vice cap-ee-tan, just ask about the latex; Hooker, Charlie; G e m , random m a n and Beth, no random man, for a change. Kate

Kind soul* if. sncou/Jgad to contact : T.r» Tift fe 0774 789 7021, email tir9»n«gfeotm "

club active

Get Out The Big Guns Fullbore Fiesta O n Sunday 10th February the tranquillity of the sleepy village of Bisley w a s shattered by the ravenous hordes of the IC Rifle a n d Pistol Club's first full bore shoot of the N e w Year at the N R A ' s Range. N i c k Keith and Laurie, three of the clubs more "mature" members joined us w i t h their collection of antique (a shooting t e r m meaning fun but w i l d l y inaccurate) firearms. The Sky w a s clear a n d the fresh country air entering our pollution conditioned lungs e n d o w e d us all w i t h superhum a n p o w e r s . After a brief shopping trip to b u y enough ammunition to make even the seasoned locals look uneasy

w e set u p for our day's sport. Ben, D a n and Phil w ent to the 50 metre range to do some accurate shooting w i t h their .22 target rifles. The rest of us made ourselves as comfortable as w e could i n the m u d d y field of the 200 yard Short Siberia range. Y u a n d J o r d a n d i d some excellent shooting w i t h t h e scope 7.62 rifle. While Jacob's n e w (in geological terms at least) N u m b e r 4 s a w some heavy use as everyone w a n t e d to have a crack. Jacob's various claims that his poor shooti n g w a s due to the sights, the barrel, the ammunition and a n unmerciful G o d were roundly d i s p r o v e d b y everyone else achieving near pinpoint accuracy.

pepperings from all. A l l to soon the claxon sounde d and everyone h a d to return to the b i g city where our reexposure to t h e smoke a n d fumes turned us back into m i l d mannered students. Thanks must b e given to Ben's brother for his chauffeuring duties. We w o u l d also like to point out that no animals were h a r m e d i n the m a k i n g of this trip.

After a quick spot of lunch w e were rejoined b y our small bore friends a n d g i v e n a d e m o n s t r a t i o n of t h e true m e a n i n g of a c c u r a c y w i t h Laurie's c i v i l w a r vi ntage Peabody. Through expert shooting he w a s able to make all the rounds reach the end of the range w i t h some even hitt i n g the target. A t this point, half the group split off for a n afternoon of clay p i g e o n shooti n g w h i l e the rest persevered w i t h the rifles. T h e d a y s a w

If you fancy t r y i n g your h a n d at rifle shooting, or clay pigeon, air pistol a n d other disthe g r a n d u n v e i l i n g of t h e ciplines, the Imperial College club's n e w 30-06 w h i c h gar- Rifle a n d Pistol club meets at the range i n the Sports Centre nered approving comments on Wednesdays from 1pm to from all w h o u s e d it. Despite late and Saturdays from 1pm to b e i n g of first w o r l d w a r v i n 6pm. tage it shot perfectly w e l l a n d Anthony the b u l l received repeated

Cross Country After a n exciting start to the 14th, a n d Jeff w a s close race i n Guildford, things began behind i n 15th. Guy, Seb a n d to settle d o w n , w i t h Imperial debutant M i c h a e l all ran w e l l athletes i n contention. W i t h to help t h e B t e a m secure the w o m e n only having to run another strong finish. half the distance of the men, D a n after his exploits at the their e n t h u s i a s m w a s disweekend (cycling from played w i t h Louise once again Penzance to London for a bet!) taking control of the race, finm a n a g e d to w o r k h i s w a y ishing strongly i n 2 n d place. through the field to finish 28th. Sarah also ran w e l l , for IC's A B e h i n d h i m w e r e t h e ever team to finish 14th. dependable Mike a n d G i l . M i k e suffered great problems In the men's race IC's teams w i t h h i s n e w spikes that were heavily depleted, missi n g many of their star runners caused.severe bleeding to the back of both heels, yet still who h a d performed so m a n a g e d his best race of the admirably at B U S A . Despite year. this Francois s h o w e d his class and l e d the w a y for the IC After this Imperial went back team, f i n i s h i n g 2 n d . Close to continue the organisation of behind were Chris i n 5th, and the 54th Hyde Park Relays. The Roly i n 12th. relays, w h i c h are the largest Dave missed a turning, but fortunately his faithful teammate ' N e w Boy' Dom w a s i n close attendance and s h o w e d h i m the right way, w i t h t h e m ultimately finishing 13th a n d

student relays i n Europe, w i l l take place on Saturday and any IC member w i s h i n g to take part should visit: w w w . s u . ic. a c . u k / c r o s s c o u n try/hpr for more information.



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club active

Rugby Firsts R u g b y - sponsored b y The m a t c h s t a r t e d w i t h a quick sensational try scored by Ricky, the Italian international, finally over his barrel s p e l l of t w o years! A l l the merit really goes to t h e Nigerian international A c i , back from a nasty injury, a n d yet again p r o v i n g his tremendous talent a n d skills w i t h a prefect-timed pass, w h i c h cut the b a c k l i n e a n d r e a c h e d Ricky for a n easy try i n the middle of the post, easily converted by Huy. W i t h 7 points b e h i n d us i n the first t w o minutes, all the boys were looking pretty confident a n d w i t h sensational fly half C h e n - C h e u n p l a y i n g as


scrumhalf and ginger boy Bobby at the fly half, the game became very interesting! Bobby kept on k i c k i n g the b a l l so h i g h that it c o u l d be ^ m i s t a k e n for a l a n d i n g I airplane, g i v i n g the b a l l to the opposition! He eventually scored a .• try i n the • middle of the post g i v i n g us

enough! That's because A c i quickly responded w i t h an interception and scored a magnificent try i n the middle of the post for an easy conv e r s i o n f r o m Vietnamese jlF sensational PJT C h e n - C h e u n (Huy) b r i n g us 21 Wr to 5.

a 14 to n i l advantage thanks to his famous eyeb r o w dummy. The first half s e e m e d to e n d u p w i t h a corner try b y the opposition... good effort from m e d i c s boys but frankly really not g o o d

The second half started w i t h the medics w e l l u p for a b i g turn of the game i n their favour but, as if it could ever happen, they d i d not get anyt h i n g better t h a n a drop goal i n the middle of the second

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Rugby III IC III 12

E s s e x II 32

We w a i t e d , a n d w a i t e d a n d finally the coach arrived an hour late, R i c h . The t h i r d s were on a mighty tour to the p i t s of E s s e x . W a l k i n g out onto the p i t c h w i t h 14 m e n thanks to a clearly inept referee w a s our first kick i n the bollocks. H o w e v e r , t h i s really didn't affect our play! The m a t c h b e g a n a n d after some good r u c k i n g b y IC w e were i n the opponents 22, but it w a s not to be w i t h a quick t u r n over they stormed d o w n the field and dropped the ball over our line... h o w e v e r it w a s a try. Their kicker, w h o seemed to have replaced his foot w i t h a coat hanger, m i s s e d the conversion. Our c a s u a l approach to the game a n d blatant bias from the ref l e d to another 3 tries from the inbreeds. However, after half time


came back to storm over the line. If N i g h t i n g a l e ' s first name h a d been Florence there would have been more p a t i e n t s d e a d t h a n at the charge of the light brigade; w i t h an ability to c a t c h second only to G r a h a m Norton's w i t h soap i n a prison shower the turnover i n play h e l p e d the MacDonald's mingers to slip another t w o past. The mighty Imperial came back to d i s h out more shoe pie a n d scored a magnificent try from D e s m o n d the monkey. The journey back w a s more eventful w i t h M a t t "Taffy" Laffan v o m i t i n g e v e r y w h e r e , after only 3 litres of cider, a n d Svet the c a p t a i n groping various random t e a m members a n d pronouncing "hip hop forever". E v e n t h o u g h w e failed to u p h o l d Silva's good name w e managed to grope her sister i n Hombres later on. Alex

half (after t w o attempts). Defence from IC first w a s brilliant w i t h the boys all over the place a n d k e e p i n g G K T w e l l out from their twenty-two. N o more points w e r e scored a n d the m a t c h e n d e d u p 21 - 8. A n o t h e r victory for the m i g h t y IC first a n d another medics t e a m defeated. (Gosh! I'm tired of beating Medics around). W i t h the last game of the league played, IC n o w faces the b i g challenge of the B U S A plate a n d even more challengi n g G u t t r i d g e C u p . G o d save C a p t a i n Sven! ( P r a y i ng is p r o b a b l y h i s last h o p e for finally finishing a game!)


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The wait is over, the bars are open, the collection tins are labelled and the tiddlywinks have been unwrapped. Imperial Rag Week begins today, bringing with it seven full days of wine, women, song and good old fashioned silliness - and don't forget, every pint you drink, every game you play, every Ragwich you eat and every silly costume you wear will help to raise money for charity. So dont feel embarrassed, dont feel silly, dont feel shy - just get out there and enjoy yourself! Over the page you'll find a cut-out-and-keep guide to all this week's events, covering everything from excessive drinking to cinema and band nights and street collections to... erm, more excessive drinking, actually. Whatever you're into, there's something for you, so whether you want to bin your timetable and party all week, head out onto the streets of London with collecting tin in hand or just embarrass the hell out of your nearest and dearest, there's no excuse for not getting involved. Just remember that every penny raised this week goes to the Shooting Star Trust, helping them to give London's terminally ill children a home - and if that doesn't guilt trip you into getting involved, then I don't know what will...


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Cupids, hearts, roses, devils and a little drop of Rag magic will all be on hand this evening in the Union, to make your Valentines weekend that little bit sweeter, Aahhh, didums, etc etc. Head over to Beit Quad from 8pm to discover what cheesy really looks like...

Round up three mates and make your way to the Union Bar tomorrow, where you'll set off on a trip around 20 themed pubs across London. An early start is advised if you're serious about making it round - and there are four Eurostar tickets on offer for the team that collects the most money.



Catch some of the best bands in College on Monday evening, courtesy of the Jazz & Rock Society, whilst on Tuesday the Jazz Big Band will hit you with a torrent of jazz, funk and swing. Both events start at 8pm in dBs, and are absolutely free to enter.

London Raid Your chance to create your own little bit of havoc on the streets of London on Wednesday, with collecting challenges dotted across the Capital - including the famous tiddlywink race down Oxford Street. Big prizes are on offer for the best collectors, and there's a party back at the Union at 8.



House in need of a clean? Friends in need of embarrassment? Self in need of company? Head to the JCR at 12 on Friday and become the proud owner of someone you barely know for the best part of 24 hours in return for a small fee. Nice...



Don your gymslip or old school (or even old skool) tie and get set for more things to do than could possibly fit in this box. At lunchtime there's a fete on the Queen's Lawn, followed by collections around the City from 1pm, and the huge Back 2 School party chez Union from 8pm.

So, Rag Week, huh. Is it really that time of year already? Blimey. Lots of messing about and being silly, isn't it? Well, erm, yes, pretty much. Except that it's messing about and being silly for a reason, Y'see, while Rag is supposed to be fundamentally fun, offering you the chance to have a laugh, try something new or just make a complete fool of yourself, it's also about raising a shed load of money for charity along the way - in fact, this year's Rag events have already raised more than £5000 for a variety of good causes. This week, however, every event, collection, sale and party will be helping to raise money for Rag's official charity, The Shooting Star Trust, a Twickenham based outfit who want to open West London's first hospice for terminally ill children by the end of next year. Set up in 1995, the Trust will provide a respite for young people suffering from cancer, muscular dystrophy, cystic fibrosis and cerebral palsy, so that they (and their families) can live out their lives in a comfortable, reassuring home, rather than on a hospital ward. However, having already bought a site for the centre and raised the £6 million needed to get it built, they now need more money to kit out the hospice everything from specially adapted beds and toys to IT tools and kitchen equipment. And that's where we come in. A few hundred pounds will buy a bed or learning toys; a few thousand pounds will kit out a bedroom or furnish the library or play room; a few tens of thousands of pounds could buy a new minibus, or fit out an entire wing of the building... You get the idea. Ultimately, though, the point is that this is a small charity trying to do something really great on a small scale - they haven't got hundreds of dedicated fundraisers or national sponsors, so every penny raised this week really will make a difference. To find out more about what that really means, visit, or check out the Rag website at Of course, much as we might want to, there's no way that any of us could possibly afford to fund the Trust on our own. However, by getting out onto the streets of Knightsbridge, Westminster and Canary Wharf, having fun and rattling a few collecting tins at passing multi-millionaires, together we can make a difference - it's corny, but it's true. And, as a great man once said, you can't say fairer than that... Hopefully, you're now fully convinced of two things. Firstly, that Rag is fun - doing some good doesn't necessarily have to be dull. Secondly, that all this playing around, dressing up and getting blind drunk really is all for a good cause. And thirdly that you really, really, really want to get involved. Sorry, three things - it's fun. It's for a good cause, and you want to get involved And that you want to buy a ticket for the Balloon Race (available for just a pound from stalls in all good JCRs™). No, four things, four things... And that you'd better ring your mum and ask her to post your school tie down to you, ready for next Friday. And that you could really do with one of those free t-shirts. And that... Damn, I'll come in again...