Page 1

The Student N e w s p a p e r of I m p e r i a l College 2 May 2000 : Issue 1173

T h i s is a s u b l i m i n a l


Al Pocino talks a b o u t

Any Given Sunday

vote f o r t h e m a n o n the right Poqe 4

S o u t h s i d e r e n o v a t i o n faces s e t b a c k GARETH M O R G A N

their receipt caused a temporary

The planned redevelopment of the

p a i d e a c h month.

Southside halls of residence has

was c o m p o u n d e d by the decision

been postponed "until mid 2 0 0 1 " ,

to pay off around £ 3 million of

deficit when staff expenses were The problem

after a reassessment of the project

debts last July to ease the transfer

by Imperial C o l l e g e Estates.

to the new system. Although there

The delay was a n n o u n c e d at a

have been n o serious losses, a n d

meeting of C o l l e g e C o u n c i l at the

the finances are set to recover as

end of last term. The project as a

debts are p a i d , the lack of capital


has not b e e n

accordin g

to J o h n


has reduced the profits made by

W a l s h , the

investing surpluses.

Assistant Director of Projects in the

M e a n w h i l e , the renovation of

Estates Department, only the c o n -





There will

be a


looks later



to finish


greater " l e a d i n " time, which will

although Estates are "still looking

allow the project to be planned in

to maintain the end d a t e " , a c c o r d -




in turn,


ing to M r W a l s h . The delays are

improve the efficiency of the c o n -

associated with the problems of

struction and allow for contracting to

be finalised



work starts. Estates are currently reviewing

Southside: open for another year

Photo: Dave

Senior C o m m o n Room a n d the around £ 2 0 0 million outside the construction of the Multi-DiscipliC o l l e g e " . Ms Castle stated that the

the timescale for the construction


in light of the improved planning,


Research Building

capital projects were proceeding

ments, which are to be developed

according to the C o l l e g e ' s long-

by Imperial C o l l e g e U n i o n , should

term plans, citing the M R D B as a

not be delayed.


descriptions of these a n d other

prime example of a development



planned projects, but the South-

that is working well.

Willis Jackson H o u s e , in Evelyn

side redevelopment is not listed;

Gardens, is due to undergo reno-

neither are the other "rolling refur-

new, £ 6 million

vation in the next a c a d e m i c year,

bishments" of Imperial's halls of


easing the pressure o n spaces in




halls a n d allowing the C o l l e g e to




However, the introduction of a finance

to have

Contracts are "currently being signed" for the first stage in the


cash flow


Royal School of Mines makeover, the conversion of Level 4 into new


offices. A n "in-house strategy for


the whole b u i l d i n g " , rather than

Beryl Castle, C o l l e g e ' s Direc-

Due to problems integrating the

the initial plan of renovating every-

of Finance, denied


new system with existing adminis-

thing at o n c e , is now favoured.

problems were to

tration systems, there have been

Although this will still cost tens of

fulfil its promise to offer a c c o m -


modation to all first year under-

that financial



Part of Estates' rationale in

ly beyond the target of 1 July. M r Walsh said that work o n the base-


and hope to minimise the period means

unlikely to prolong the work great-

C o l l e g e ' s recently-pub-

for which the halls are out of c o m This

working with old buildings, but are

for the changes, as the

projects were never intended to be


in processing the tuition

millions of pounds and take sever-

fees bills, which were not sent out

al years, it is less expensive a n d

delaying the Southside project was



until December. Since fees a n d

disruptive than the alternative. The

to "safeguard o u r financial expo-

funds. Indeed, in his introduction

support grants from Local Educa-

costs have been inflated

sure", as there

to the Annual Report the Rector,

tion Authorities accounted for £ 3 4

need to maintain the front of the

are several s o -



called "capital projects" underway,

Lord O x b u r g h , states that progress

million last year, some 10% of the

including the refurbishment of the

"will depend o n our ability to find

C o l l e g e ' s turnover,

the delay in

by the

listed building, which faces Prince Consort Road.


Felix * 2 May 2000


B U S A Executive accept hybrid London goes to the polls




Thursday, s o we present you with a slimmed down version of the

The latest plans for the massive

candidates manifestoes.

£ 3 0 0 million renovation of the St Mary's site threaten to completely subsume the Chelsea & Westminster


Hospital, as well as forcing the closure of the Royal Brompton a n d

The Caving C l u b take on M o r o c co

Harefield Hospitals. The National Heart a n d Lung

in a search f o r " C a v e r n ' s

Institute (currently at the Brompton

Measureless to M a n " .

site) and specialist children's surgery services will be incorporated into the new "Super Hospital" according to plans set to g o to public consultaC & G launch their budies scheme, and Tasha talks discounts.

Columns Mishmash

dishes the dirt o n

Feedback This week's letters focus o n the elections,

Photo: Archive

The Charing Cross and Westminster Hospital

the loss of the surgery will reduce

at a cost of £ 2 3 0 million, a n d as gle campus, as the only way in

the integrity of the hospital, despite

such it is believed that any threat to


reassurances that other services will



replace it. Although the intention to

amongst government


may cause


figures a n d

close the Brompton and Harefield

senior N H S administrators who are

has been known since the unveiling




are thought to be at work on both sides. Any decision on the future of the

to the

should such an expensive construc-

Chelsea a n d Westminster will not

Chelsea and Westminster threatens

tion be made redundant so soon.

need to be made for some time, as

to stir up increased controversy.

However, with Imperial regarded as

work o n the new structure, to be

the plan , the threat

of a major

the College c a n compete

loss of face


masonic links and the library.


tion soon. Doctors are worried that

The Chelsea and Westminster is

the major driving force behind the

constructed next to the existing St

London's newest teaching hospital,

project (viewing a major centre for

Mary's building, is not due to begin

having opened just seven years a g o

medical research, focused on a sin-

until 2 0 0 5 .


and excess management.



Reviews Screen interviews A l Pacino, M u s i c



grant are b l a m e d . In contrast, 2 0 769

reports o n the best of the Easter

Erasmus students

c a m e to

clubbing, and G a m e s brings you

The latest Times G o o d University

Britain in 1 9 9 7 - 9 8 , a n increase of

Access to Beit Q u a d is likely to be

all the latest Dreamcast releases.


around 2 5 0 0 since 1 9 9 4 - 1 9 9 5

restricted over the weekend of 13-



has o n c e

1 4 May. This is to allow the crane

a g a i n placed Imperial C o l l e g e in second

Seven Days








currently situated in the Q u a d to be removed by contractors Long-


breakdown, published in the Times

The future of the Islamic Prayer

ley. The date has yet to be con-

As ever, we condense one week




Room is uncertain after a meeting

firmed - check next week's Felix or

into a selection of handy boxes.

shows that Imperial

has the best

between I C U , the Islamic Society

look for notices in the U n i o n .

ratio in the country,

and C o l l e g e Administration. The



as well as a g o o d teaching assess-

planned site, part of the Union's

ment score a n d high spending per



of the Beit base-

student. However, Imperial award

ments, was vetoed due to its prox-

Friday night revellers in the Union


relatively few first a n d upper sec-

imity to the U n i o n bars. It was felt

over the Easter break got more

Turnip Henry this week, with both

ond class degrees c o m p a r e d to

that this would

than they b a r g a i n e d for when they

cryptic and quick crosswords.

other leading institutions, a n d only

problem on Fridays.


brace of brainteasers

be a particular

were repeatedly shot at as they walked past the Royal School of

4 0 % of staff work in teaching or

M ines . A n unknown assailant fired



a paintball gun at them after they



O n c e again, Felix teams up with ISIC to offer you the chance to win a set of Lonely Planet goodies.

Sport & Societies


Fewer U K students are taking up


new Franklin-


which w a s






a v o i d e d the volley, the building

opened by the Princess Royal o n


paint. Police are investigating the

Erasmus places to study in Europe,


dents, making it the largest univer-

incident, a n d think that the shots


sity building in London. Recently

were fired from









by green

while more European students are to study

M a r c h , will

hit several times

took up

refurbished for £ 5 0 million, the

placements last year, c o m p a r e d to

building will house the Schools of

Mountaineering head for Spain,

1 1 9 9 8 in 1 9 9 4 - 9 5 . Poor lan-

Health a n d Life Sciences, Nursing

whilst Cross Country get naked.

guag e

skills a n d a n insufficient

& Midwifery and Education.


the Albert Hall

across the r o a d . A

police s p o k e s m a n said that they had identified a suspect a n d that an arrest was imminent.

2 May 2000 * Felix



Ball 2 0 0 0 p l u m p s for F u l h a m ' s




event runs as smoothly as possible in future years, the current sabbatical alter-

team has already begun planning for

ations to the initial plan, it's now all

After several false starts and

the 2001 Summer Ball, which is like-

systems g o for this year's ICU Sum-

ly to take place on Queen's Lawn. As

mer Ball.

a result, M s Newton was keen to

Having initially opted to return to

point out that this year's dinner will

Alexandra Palace, home to the last

be "the last to be held outside of the

two balls, the Summer Ball Commit-

College for some time... so I guess

tee has now decided to hold the

it's really the year to g o " . Although

event at the Paragon Hotel. Although

there are fears that much of the fun

the decision was primarily made o n

of the event will be lost by a move

grounds of cost - a total loss in

onto campus, M r Clifford

excess of £ 1 0 0 0 0 was projected for

out several clear advantages to bas-

a return to last year's venue - ICU

Photo: Jonas


ing the Ball at South Kensington. In

Deputy President (Finance and Ser-

Last year's Summer Ball at the Alexandra Palace

vices) Ian Clifford suggested that a

time to set-up the planned Ents,

Clifford is ensuring that the event

move to the Fulham venue also

including a band, disco and casino -

cannot possibly lose money, so the

charge for venue hire ), meaning that

brings with it several other advan-

have eventually led to Friday 2 3

scale of the Ball has been consider-

ticket prices will be decreased and Ents will be drastically improved -

particular, the event would be much cheaper to run (as there would be no

tages, such as proximity and a lower

June, one week before the end of

ably reduced. Around 4 5 0 - 5 0 0

ticket price. Union President Tasha

term, being chosen. Tickets will cost

tickets will need to be sold in order

indeed, this year's Summer Ball

Newton confirmed this buoyant out-

£45 and should go on sale on M o n -

for the event to break even. Howev-

would almost certainly have taken

look, promising that this year's event

day 15 May. A three course meal,

er, the hotel's owners have set a limit

place on site had it not been for the

will be "really super duper".



of 8 5 0 people on their "Enterprise

ongoing building work.

Although a date of Saturday 24

entertainments and "lots and lots of

Suite", which means that, at full

June was tentatively agreed before

wine" will all be included in the price.

capacity, around 5 0 0 fewer revellers

involved in next year's Ball should

than last year will be able to attend.

contact Tasha Newton via presi-

Christmas, several changes of plan caused by the need for adequate


After last year's massive losses, one of the major concerns for M r


In order to make sure that the


who wants

to be

Make yourself heard

Imperial College Union


6.00pm, Tuesday 2nd May CU Council + ICU Council - ItCJlWi! + iCD. ' „ „ Union Dining Hall Including the election of a new ^ ~



Post-Graduate Group


Interested in standing? Then sign up on the noticeboards on the Union first floor, or contact any of the Union sabbaticals

GLA Elections


Ken Livingstone - Independent -

Frank Dobson - Labour -

Susan Kramer Liberal Democrat

Felix ÂŤ 2 May 2000


m a k e

Darren Johnson - Green -

m i n d



Transport: Will oppose tube privatisation and demand

vide funding for 15 0 0 0 new, affordable homes, whilst

increased government grants to subsidise modernising

working to reclaim London's 100 0 0 0 empty homes.

programmes. Also promises to freeze fares in real terms

Money: Will oppose the Government's proposed cut-

for four years, push for two new tube lines and intro-

back in regeneration funding and battle against high

duce congestion charging.

interest rates and the strong pound, which "creates

Crime: Promises to dramatically increase staffing, with

uncertainty and concern" in manufacturing industries.

2 0 0 0 new officers as an initial target, and invest heav-

Silly thing: "As Mayor, I will back the case for London

ily in drugs awareness and rehabilitation schemes.

student maintenance arrangements which fully meet

Jobs: Will lobby the Government to increase London

the extra costs of studying in the capital."

weighting for all public sector employees. Homes: Says he will pressurise the Government to pro-


Transport: Promises to oppose tube privatisation and

Homes: Offers 10 0 0 0 cheap new homes for nurses,

congestion charges, renew the tube system by 2 0 1 0 ,

teachers and police officers. Promises to "work flat out"

give a free bus passes to every under-eighteen in the

to combat homelessness.

capital, and ensure that there are "no increased taxes,

Money: Will freeze Council Tax in real terms and intro-

fares or charges during my first four years".

duce a "London Lottery" to raise ÂŁ 5 0 million for good

Crime: Says he will reverse the rise in street crime with-

causes chosen by Londoners.

in two years, "sweep drugs off our streets" and put

Silly thing: "I will celebrate the capital with an annual

more police on the streets.

Sunday O u t for Londoners, with traffic banned from the

Jobs: Will work in partnership with business to create

centre and free museum entry."

an extra 100 0 0 0 jobs, and set up a new task force to tackle black and Asian unemployment.


Transport: "Rescuing public transport is my first priority."

social exclusion" by improving housing and increasing

Promises to avoid tube privatisation via good manage-

the availability of training and health centres.

ment and proper investment, with revenue bonds pro-

Money: Will set-up a network of new "Community

viding billions for rebuilding.

Banks" to revive High Street shopping and help new

Crime: Says she will fight Jack Straw to give the Metro-


politan Police the resources it needs, reversing recent

Silly thing: "I will take the local government workers -

cuts in police numbers. Will back up Met officers with

traffic wardens, street inspectors, park rangers - and

1000 "Community Safety Constables".

give them training and responsibility to watch out for the

Jobs: Will focus training on the jobs that are available

safety of the community."

and promote e-commerce businesses. Homes: Promises to "revitalise communities and combat


Transport: Promises to deliver 24-hour tube and bus

ing for all public sector employees.

services, a massive rail and tube

Steven Norris - Conservative

y o u r



Homes: Says he will promote right-to-buy schemes and

gramme, no congestion charges, fewer bus lanes, and

move the homeless off London's streets.

2 0 0 0 miles of dedicated cycle paths.

Money: Promises to promote inward investment and

Crime: Insists he will reverse recent cuts in police num-

cut-down on red-tape that gets in the way of efficiency

bers, increase the number of officers drawn

Silly thing: "I will license buskers w h o pass proper


minority groups, publish daily crime figures and estab-

organised auditions by Tube travellers. In the process,

lish a new independent complaints commission.

they will become part of the eyes and ears of manage-

Jobs: Will work with the new Learning & Skills Councils


to ensure training opportunities for the unemployed. Will lobby the Government to increase London weight-


Transport: Will reduce road traffic in Central London by

and cooperative schemes.

4 0 % by 2 0 0 8 via congestion charges on private car

Homes: Will introduce a "Warm Homes Strategy" to

use, a new tax on company car-parking spaces, rolling

insulate housing, reduce fuel bills and improve health.

out "car free" zones, strict enforcement of bus lanes

Money: Promises to oppose all schemes which are

and a five year fares freeze for all public transport.

"environmentally destructive" (eg Heathrow Terminal

Crime: Promises to prioritise racial issues and c o m m u -

Five) and end low pay and discrimination at work.

nity policing, with increased recruitment from the ethnic

Silly thing: " W e will press for a reduction in the amount


of violence and advertising on television, especially in

Jobs: Says he will create an additional 8 0 0 0 0 jobs in

programmes watched by children."

the environmental and public transport sectors, whilst revitalising the poorest communities via credit unions


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Felix Âť 2 May 2000 Having succeeded in blagging some grants and

40km, because the piste followed a river bed

found someone who was willing to put up with us

strewn with large boulders. Having spent the

for a month and act as our chauffeur for the trip,

entire journey walking in front of our four-by-four,

a group from IC's Caving Club set of for Moroc-

moving rocks out of the way to avoid writing off

co last September, equipped with the bare essen-

our Landrover (or so we thought), we couldn't

tials: our ex-RAF four-by-four, a minimal amount

believe it when were passed by two Bedford trucks

of caving equipment, and even less clothing. And

full of people and piled with produce.

with that, we set off on our 2 0 0 0 mile journey...

finishing its market day, which gave us a chance

we immediately started the two day slog across

to stock up on vegetables. The enclosed market

Spain, heading for the windsurfing mecca of Tari-

was lined with hundreds of tiny shacks, selling

fa, where we took advantage of the cheap fuel

absolutely everything, including several butchers

and stocked-up on food and spirits. When I say

who generally had various parts of goats and

we, I mean Shed, Goaty, Clewin, Jan and C o l m

sheep hanging in the sun and engulfed by flies,

(all members of IC Caving) and Pete the driver (a

with the odd severed goats head lying on the

50 year-old man whose ability to drive vast dis-

ground. We decided to stick to the fruit and veg.

tances with little rest and only the occasional dram

Making enquiries over a Fanta at the local

of whisky was unbelievable). The third and final

cafe, we were informed of a cave in the nearby

leg of our journey started at 4am, driving to Alge-

hills. So, following brief directions given in French

ceiras to catch the ferry to Tangier. The customs at

we drove out the town in search of it. Not only did

Tangier were extremely suspicious of the obvious-

we find the cave, but the camp spot was idyllic - a

ly military vehicle and started a thorough search,

stream which came out of the nearby cliffs flowed

eventually letting us go when they found some

past our site, and the valley bottom was a lawn of

French literature on caves (and Pete slipped them

grass dotted with trees. We made ourselves com-

some fags).

fortable and spent the next few days exploring the

Arriving in Marrakech late that night, our first


The large village we had arrived at was just

Arriving in Santander early the next morning,

cave and surrounding area, helped enormously

mission was to locate some large scale maps of

by a couple of locals, who had been exploring the

the Atlas Mountains. Unfortunately they are very

cave with torches and lamps. O n e of them told us

hard to get and we weren't lucky. Opting to go

of a passage that he had followed for ages with-

looking for food instead, we headed for the

out finding the end, which obviously intrigued us.

Djeema Efina, a large square at the heart of Mar-

We exchanged addresses and promised to return

rakech which is packed in the evenings with food-

to carry out a proper exploration of the cave.

stalls selling soup, salads, meat, doughnuts and

O u r diet of tomato and pasta stew became a

fruit - all you see whilst approaching arc crowds

bit tedious after the second or third week, so we

of people, and the smell and the smoke are the

decided to stop for a slap-up meal in next big

only evidence of food. The stallholders shout at

town we came to. This led to an unfortunate

passers-by and each other, competing for custom,


and all you have to sit on are rickety benches

our group had food-poisoning, and he spent the

around the edges, squashed in with other people.

whole night throwing up anything he tried to swal-

as it soon became apparent that one of

That night we headed out of Marrakech and

low. However, we soon forgot about it as there

camped by the road - after all, we were here to

were more important matters in hand - mainly

get into the mountains and start exploring for

beer, as we were approaching a town where Pete


assured us he could locate a hotel that sold real

Though a large amount of the Atlas are lime-

beer. We strolled in very casually and took our

stone (and therefore contain extensive cave net-

place on the veranda. Unbeknown to us, howev-

work), we had three main target areas: Jbe

er, there was trouble ahead, as one of our party

Azourki, Plateau Des Lacs and the Dades and

was having a relapse... While we waited to be

Todra gorges. We acquired some maps and

served he was leaning over the veranda, and with

background info whilst Goaty (our expedition

almost comic timing he projectile vomited over

geologist) acquired some more info. Goaty was

the waiter. Fortunately he missed the stonework,

also our expedition linguist (having been learning

but when we asked for our drinks we were told

Arabic for the past few months), but sadly his

politely but firmly that they did not sell beer. We

expertise only stretched as far as useful phrases

made our excuses and left.

such as 'I don't know much Arabic', 'were are the

O u r time in Morocco was running out, and

caves?' and 'how much for the little girl?'. How-

with the last couple of days we headed south to

ever, by the end of the trip we had all mastered a

the Sahara Desert. Pete was in his element, as he

little Arabic and the response we got from the

had many friends and contacts in these parts. The

locals was always completely different as a result.

next few days were comparative luxury: we slept in

There are only two roads crossing the Atlas,

Berber tents and were given guided tours of local

so getting into the mountains was done on 'pistes'

kasbhahs, we took a camel ride to the edge of the

(the rough tracks used by the Berbers) on donkeys

dunes, and we spent one night camped under a

and trucks which acted as a bus service for the

completely full moon playing cards and drinking

locals transporting produce to and from Souks.

mint tea with local guides. The next day, our last

O u r first camp was on a fairly busy route, with two

full day in Morocco, we watched the sunrise from

or three trucks passing each day. Frequently, how-

the top of an enormous sand dune. That evening

ever, the pistes were washed away, and the only

we were back in Marrakech, the next night Tarifa

route was to follow the river beds - on one occa-

and finally, after seven days of travel, we arrived

sion it took an entire day's driving to cover just

back in Plymouth.



Felix » 2 May 2000










CGCU take the pain out of coming to College with the launch of their campus-wide buddies system The idea is this - every single incom-

How can you get involved?

ing fresher in the next academic year

It's simple. The logistics involved

will be paired up with a senior student

in handling this for your course are

(the buddy) on the same course. The

being handled by your departmental

buddies are to be drawn from the stu-

representative - the staff

dent body of the second, third and

department have already agreed to

in every

fourth year students on each course.

help us run this scheme smoothly.

The intent is to maintain this scheme

Most departments have already elect-

and to keep it running in the years to

ed their dep reps for next year - you

come, perfecting it and ironing out

can get in contact directly with your

any difficulties that may arise.

dep rep right away

What would be the benefits of such a

Civ Eng: Catherine Luther (Yr 3)


C h e m Eng: Max Arendt (Yr 3)

O u r core aim is to make freshers

D o C : RishaarRawal (Yr 1)

feel more welcome here. This is our

Elec Eng: Shant Oknayan (Yr 2)

opportunity to reach out personally to

ISE: Mustafa A r i f ( Y r l )

every fresher and give her or him an

Mech Eng: Melody Lam (Yr 3)




into the

department. A student in a higher


year is more likely to know who to talk to regarding any matters of interest or

Engineering stu-

dents have not elected their dep rep Why should you become a buddy?

boat a year or two before. Then

yet, but will be doing so soon. In the

any problems. Moreover, the forming

Well, why not? This is not going

again, getting a bit cynical, doesn't it

meanwhile, get in contact with us at

of friendships between freshers and

to take up a lot of your time - it's not

look good on your C V to say you've directly if you're an

students from higher years is impor-

a formal job or anything. You have a

been in a position of responsibility?

Aero student and want to be involved.

tant to help build a spirit within the

great opportunity here to be of gen-

Taking part could be seen as devel-

We need as many people as possible


uine help to a grateful fresher coming

oping the key skills of organisation

in order to make the scheme work, so

in - after all, you were in the same

and communication.

please get in touch.

that transcends year




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R e a d e r s

Keyworth Street Elephant & Castle 4>

52 Grosvener Gardens, Victoria I n t e r e s t e d ?



E m a i l

f e l i x @ i c . a c . u k


2 May 2000 • Felix

T h e

S t a t e

o f

t h e

U n i o n Blatant Plugs

By T a s h a N e w t o n , Imperial C o l l e g e U n i o n President

Welcome back. I hear rumours that


the front page is set to rock the

Believe it or not, planning has

Sherfield boat. Surely nothing c a n

already started for the 2001 Sum-

be wrong with the mother ship..?

mer Ball. Hopefully in this issue of



Felix you will be able to read about very





C a n I make a big plea to everyone to come and get their Warner

Set in the surroundings of the

Brothers discount cards? You may

newly refurbished Paragon Hotel,

remember that I spent six months

this year's Ball will take place o n

organising the deal, but unfortu-

the 23rd of June, a week before the

nately there has been very little take

end of term. Tickets will be quite a

up, a n d we will never be able to

lot cheaper than last year because

convince them to g o to the hassle


of producing cards in future if we

coaches to look forward to. Watch

are none

of those


don't shift them this year. So please,

out for more details of when, where

even if you never intend going to

and how to buy your tickets coming

their cinemas, come get a card.

very soon.

Remember, all that you need to Union Meetings

bring with you is a photo and your ICU card. Thanks. Holiday Fun Easter has been long for us sabbs (and for the postgrads a n d

clinical medics) - there have been

gently driving me m a d , but hope-

lots of meetings, most of which



installed data and phone lines to all


of limited




Finally, the first I C U Council meeting of the term takes place at

have successfully

6 p m tonight (Tuesday 2nd May) in

Meanwhile, the engineers a n d PR the rooms in Linstead by the time

the Union Dining Hall. See you

agents from



Erricson have been

you read this.

Any extension of opening hours will have to be

mounted following a minor shunt between two

achieved by re-organising shift

cars on a park road and while vigorously enforc-

patterns and

The question of whether or not the M e d i c a l

overtime. The options are also limited as the

ing their no-sparklers bylaws o n bonfire night.

School Union is to have a sabbatical president

library is refusing to open without the issue desk,

The Parks Police a p p e a r to be changing their

next year, has not, at the time of writing been

despite the fact that this service is not essential

image. In an effort to become trendier, this sum-

finalised. Kevin suspects tonight's ICU C o u n c i l

out of normal hours.

mer rollerblading police will be patrolling the

Kevin wonders if the inability of the Union to

parks. This move comes in addition to dropping

ing of the meeting o n the first day of term when

negotiate successfully in this situation, and hav-

the 'Royal' from their name when it is displayed

people will not be properly prepared or even

ing to resort to petitioning students, is a direct

may shed some light on the matter. The schedul-

on their new four wheel drive vehicles. Kevin

aware of it strikes Kevin as highly suspicious.

wonders how this will turn them into an effective

O n e of the possibilities for funding of the sab-

police force.

batical has been sponsorship from the Freemasons. Members of the M e d School Union leaving closed meetings discussing the options have vig-






orously denied that this source of funding is being pursued.

The company responsible for almost every link in the chain of failures a n d bad decisions which lead to the computer problems in the city on the






last day of the tax year are still desperately trying to recruit Imperial graduates.

A Mostly Harmless Column by Kevin, a random entity who knows nothing about nothing

which is apparently about four hundred people

ment with Sunday opening. By using the library

result of the tiny proportion of students support-

for the C o l l e g e . Thankfully, he is not alone in ignoring their requests to come in and attempt to

Many students would like the central library to adopt opening hours which are more in line with the way that they work. Last year Dave Hellard

Kevin knows he is not the only student to continually

get harangued

by the company,

per year below its graduate recruitment targets

managed to get the library to agree to experion Sundays students demonstrated that there

ing the Union. If this is the case then it will

was a demand for the extended hours and they

become worse next year as the Union tries to

brainwash groups of students either. O n e recent

have now become permanent. N o attempt to

operate with an even more pitiful mandate than

ill-judged scam in their attempt to lure brilliant

instigate further improvements in the opening

it has had this year.

scientists a n d engineers into


hours were



think we are with a summer holiday starting in the first week of M a y - U C L ?

request proof, in the form of a petition, that extended


'summer jobs' starting next week. W h o d o they

term, when discussions o n extending opening hours were started. The library's response was to


brand of jumped up accountancy was an offer of

hours was made by I C U until the end of last

The Royal Parks Police are responsible for the

Kevin has been told that the library has stated

safety and security of Hyde Park as well as many

To comment or contribute

that scope for improvement is limited due to the

of London's other parks. Kevin has rarely seen

library not being able to employ any more staff.

them active, except for an excessive response

or email

Felix • 2 May 2000

10 Feedback




the percentage

of staff

whose "main function is teaching

I S S U E 1 1 7 3

and research" was a staggeringly Dear Felix readers,

Dear Felix,

low 3 9 . 2 % - it's frightening to think that we have quite that many staff

Editorial Staff Editor.

David Roberts

Deputy Editor....Marie N i c h o l a o u

O f course, many will be techni-

importance of voting in the elec-

identify the most popular shops that

cal and ancillary support staff, but


for the G r e a t e r


Gareth M o r g a n


G u s Paul


Thorn Leggett



the election of the

has captured

media attention,

all of the

the role of the

could be assigned space o n the

nonetheless that must still leave us

walkway when the SCR is redevel-


oped. We received a total of 3 3


replies with some excellent sugges-

compared to other universities in


the country. For example, Durham




was a

a phenomenal staff -

number of



manages to achieve a 6 3 . 2 % score

& James Holian

twenty-five Assembly members is

Helen Clark

just as important as that of the new

supermarket type shop (Tesco was

Andy Vivian & Ben Roe

leader. W h e n Ken Livingstone gets


Ben Fisher

in, as he surely will, it is they who


Katherine Baria

will control his actions a n d keep

Chemist/boot's type of store. The

sure that the C o l l e g e ' s shadowy

John Clifford

him in line. It is they who will sit o n

third most popular option was a

senior figures will rest happy in the

Jonas Lindsay

all of the new committees that will

Computer store (this may just mean



control essential services and city-

that the C C S shop needs to d o a

higher than both Oxford and C a m -

wide planning in the capital. A n d it

big ad's campaign as most of these

bridge in this category, I'd hope

is they who will ultimately

responses didn't seem to know that

that the centuries old administrative

it existed)!


Film Games

involved in non-teaching roles.

who took part in the survey to help

Authority this Thursday. News

I would like to thank everyone

I'd like to take this opportunity to remind all your readers of the

Arts Books Science Photography. Diary.

Writers Rick Blaine, G a r e t h M o r g a n ,



£ 3 . 3 b n budget. As you should all know - but

Holly Barnes, Jim G e a c h , Sam Beckett, J a n Evetts, Cathy

of the G L A ' s

be in

quite possibly don't, as a result of





The fourth









was followed in quick succession by

being used as a model.

an opticians.

There's been a lot of talk of the

incredibly low

You may also remember that

Clark, John Clifford, Tasha

key c a m p a i g n to explain how the

for every 25 people who participat-

election will be run - every regis-

ed one would get £101 The lucky

tered Londoner (including all E U person who won the £1 0 prize was and C o m m o n w e a l t h

that we still

incomprehensible institutions aren't


Newton & David Roberts

Imperial, with 49.1 % of their staff in academic roles - and although I'm

option was a hairdressers and this

Selden, Atish Nazir, Helen


and even LSE is 1 0% better off than

citizens) will

Michelle C o p e , the money will be


of the new Rector

recently, with many people suggesting that Imperial needs to be run by a



not some

high-flying C E O . However, in light


have the chance to vote for both

winging it's way to her very soon.

of these numbers, let's hope that

Drew, Helen, Katherine,

constituency and party candidates.

Thanks again to everyone who took


G a r e t h , James, Christian,

The fourteen local Assembly M e m -


Will, Kunal, Valmik, Minder,

bers will be elected o n a first-past-


D a n , John & Ben

the-post system, with votes cast in

passed o n to the estates division.

the second ballot used to elect a further eleven

Photographers Gareth, Jonas & Dave



ideas useful



a n d will be

a n overall



Consort Rd, London, S W 7 2 B B

more than 5 % of the total vote will

Internal tel: 5 8 0 7 2

get a least o n e member into the

External tel & fax:

G L A - so it's really important that

0171 594 8 0 7 2

you chose carefully which party to

URL: E-mail:


for on each of the ballot You c a n find out lots

Felix is produced for and o n




more district

behalf of Imperial C o l l e g e

your home falls into a n d which

of our

seems to be what this



College needs if it is truly to compete in the twenty-first century. In hope,


Julie Potter

Dear Felix,

A N D FINALLY... Having just seen the latest set of Times League Tables, I have to


new head, because some moderni-

Tim Trailor

parties. The most important aspect of this is that any party that gets

firm does

indeed turn out to be Imperial's

staffing and management structure

votes cast for each of the principal Felix, The Portacabins, Prince

leader of a


sation a n d rationalisation

Yours truly,

representatives to

roughly mirrors the proportion of



Dear Dave,

begin to wonder about the way in which this College is run.

What the hell was all that G o a t

It is a credit to Imperial that we

Power stuff about last term? It made

Union M e d i a G r o u p and is

candidates are running in that con-

have the best student-staff ratio in

absolutely no sense at all - surely

printed at M C P Litho Limited,

stituency) o n the official G L A web-

the land (although

everyone knows that the real future

Units B2 & B 3 , Hatton Square,


16 - 16a Baldwins G a r d e n s ,

Thanks for listening,


as an under-

that statistic


seems somewhat questionable), but

for Britain's power needs is glow in the dark sheep...

one other figure which was quoted

London E C I N 7RJ Tom Harris

in the table severely worried me.

Mrs Trellis

Felix is a registered newspaper: ISSN 1 0 4 0 - 071 1 Copyright © Felix 2 0 0 0 .

The d e a d l i n e for letters intended for publication is W e d n e s d a y 12 n o o n - d r o p into the portacabins o r e m a i l f e l i x @ i c . a c . u k . Letters may be edited f o r length but not g r a m m a r o r spelling.

2 May 2000 • Felix



Assistant Warden Vacancies





The College invites applications for Assistant Warden positions at Beit Hall and Wilson House.

impossible to distinguish... O r at So, whilst you've all been away

least it would be if this were all

busily revising, what have I been


big episode



doing with myself? Well, tempting

Creek. This being Imperial, what

as it is to say bugger all, that's not

we actually get is lots of exams,

quite the case (although I have to

lots of coursework a n d precious

admit that I really don't feel like

little time off to realise that the sun


is shining, we're young, free and


enough to earn my

salary right now). As you may have

(mostly) single, a n d we're based

the a d o n page

smack-bang in the middle of Lon-



seven, Felix has finally made it's way onto the internet. G o o d the

don; panicking

you have any decent suggestions

(unless you're in Biochem or Biol-

for improvement (or if you spot

ogy, and are o n a completely dif-

any bits that don't work) please

ferent timescale to the rest of us),

email them to me at the usual

with a big stack of exams coming

like crazy right now

address. Just try to be reasonably

up in the next few weeks (or, worse

kind, because I'm trying to learn

still, days), Just remember that (a)

HTML as I g o at the moment, and

you're at one of the best universi-



ties in Europe, which means that

undoubtedly be described as a big

you're definitely not as stupid as

pair of emperor^size pants. Any-

you think you are; (b) your exams

way, if you're feeling kind, tap in

are being set by your lecturers, a n d have a

who aren't going to look too g o o d


if you all fail and will want you to

O n a n unrelated note, you've

pass; and (c) if you've done some

probably read copious amounts

work in the last six months, you'll

about the meltdown

in internet

stocks over the holidays. Personally, I find the fact that zMicrosoft

have to try very hard to actually fail the year. Finally, I think this is where I'm

has lost half it's value since Christ-


mas, 7 0 % has been wiped off last-

words of advice from the point of

to offer


sage since launch a n d Bill

view of someone who's

Gates is no longer the world's

there, done that, got the certifi-

richest man is hilarious. After a l l ,

cate", but as I ended up with a


none of this will effect the financial

2 : 2 , I don't imagine that you'll

status of the world (the fact that

take much notice of my suggesting

the FTSE and NYSE indexes didn't

that you don't take any of this too

go into freefall admirably proved


that), but it has given the " N e w undoubtedly

Nonetheless, worth



Economy" a much needed kick in

that there is more to life than a

the backside that may finally per-

degree result, a n d that life isn't

suade them to play by some nor-

going to come and swallow you

mal financial rules (like profitabili-

up if you don't get 90%. Sure, we

ty). Then a g a i n , pigs might fly.

were all used to getting


loads of ' A s back at school, but we can't all be top of the class at


university. S o , d o your best, have a bit of fun along the way and get a

And so we reach the final term.

result that you're happy with.

With just nine weeks to g o , it's time

for heartbreak,

hard work

joy, relief,

a n d exasperation to

My g o d , I really am beginning to sound like a parent. Help...

sweep incessantly over us, overlapping

a n d interweaving


The post is open to all Academic and Clinical staff and full-time Research Students, and requires the Assistant Warden to live on site in a rent-free furnished flat.

I expect that most of you are

site undoubtedly isn't, and if any of

my current

Assistant Wardens should have the same organisational and caring qualities as a Warden but not necessarily the same experience.


All complaints should be addressed to the Editor. If no satisfactory reply is received, contact I C U Exec via the Union President

Further information and an application form can be obtained from The Postgraduate Office in Electrical Engineering by phoning Clare or Anne on 020 7594 6195 (internal: 46195) or by sending an email to Closing date for applications: Wednesday 10th May 2000.

5 0) &Mkw f a b

Unifta s s r v t o f i r


Reviews 13

2 May 2000 • Felix


W S F r e q u e n c y Bedrock @ Heaven Calexico - Ballad of C a b l e H a g u e C u b a n Boys - Inertia Kicks Death In Vegas @ The Forum Fridays @ Notting Hill Arts Funkstar De Luxe vs. Terry M a x Hanson - If O n l y Keith C a p u t o - Died Laughing Les Rhythmes Digitales - Live In Belgium Merz - Lotus Methods of Mayhem - Methods of Mayhem M J C o l e - Crazy Love Toni Braxton - He Wasn't M a n Enough Utah Saints • Funky Music


Any G i v e n Sunday Erin Brockovich G r e e n Mile (ICU Cinema) Sunshine Scream 3 Toy Story 2 (ICU Cinema) Plus a n interview with A l Pacino a n d your chance to win tickets to Scream 3 or take home The X Files or The 10th Kingdom on video.


Hydro Thunder (Dreamcast) Tokyo Highway Challeng e (Dreamcast)

My mum's special Easter quadruple chocolate


layer cake with mint-eggs on top. Helen's Literary Events Batfenberg - sponge, marzipan and a nasty two

Hero In The Shadows

tone effect come together perfectly.

Idiot's G u i d e to Creating a Web Page

You can't g o wrong with a Victoria Sponge.

While I'm Dead...Feed The D o g


Kendal Mint C a k e . Not really a cake. Damn.


It's big. It's heavy. It's indigestible. It's fruit cake. • • • • •

Felix's arts pages return next week, with all the

Buried three feet deep in icing and drowned in

latest on this term's major plays, exhibitions,

alcohol, who really likes Christmas C a k e ?

shows and gallery openings.

Felix • 2 May 2000


f r e q u e n c y

...And I begin as I should have left off by saying sorry for being a bit rubbish at times last term. For various reasons, I wasn't able to put much time into these pages last term

a n d although



Les Rhythmes Digitales Live In Belgium (Wall of Sound)

Methods of Mayhem Methods of Mayhem (MCA)


never missed an issue, we sure

You know, I'm sure Tommy Lee's everyone's hero. O r he


were a lot less organised than we

w o u l d be if he weren't a wife-beating dick. I'm afraid that his

this does exactly what it says o n the tin. A

Ronseal's quick-drying


should have been. So sorry. I also

attitude a n d mentality has transferred straight to C D .

Les Rythmes Digitales g i g . In Belgium . Basically.

thought about apologising for the drivel that often appears in this

"Jumping o n the b a n d w a g o n " is the phrase that pays for

column. Then, all of s u d d e n , I

M e t h o d s O f M a y h e m . Following the recent slew of hiphop

So you get eight s o n g s , which are all (as

changed my mind. I d e c i d e d that

metal fusion bands like K o r n , Deftones, Slipknot et a l , it was

far as I know)


these were worthy of the space

only a matter of time before a member of a flagging band


interspersed with some

that we give them, a n d although

from the c o c k - r o c k era d e c i d e d his bank b a l a n c e neede d a

W a l l o o n - y w h o o p i n g . Whether you like it

it's not always about music, it's

boost. It's all loud guitars, p o u n d i n g beats a n d a little t o o

all depends on whether you dig songwriter

not as totally irrelevant as I once

much swearing. Hey, swearing's c o o l , we all know that, but

Jacques Lu C o n t ' s singular vision of what


too much makes it seem Tommy Lee and crew (note the cor-

music should resemble right now.

... frequency... here comes the sun


the recent


rect spelling, Mr. Lee) have only just learned how to. It doesn't make you h a r d , it makes you puerile.


paper, LRD seem to be the shittest

band in the world . This lot are obsessed The subject matter is a bit dodgy too: sex a n d violence - those

with the Eighties at a time when

staples of rock a n d hiphop - get too much attention. "But

bands are either looking to the Sixties or

So now I feel I must say a few

surely Tommy Lee's a r e d - b l o o d e d male a n d all he thinks

the future.

words about music. The summer

about are sex and v i o l e n c e " you may shout. Then he should

unfashionable of d e c a d e s means that the

is usually an excellent time for the

stick to releasing singles, few and infrequent. It gets boring


release of new music. Indeed it is

after a few minutes.


often music that defines the summer

of a given


The influence

of that


a r e built

most most


o u t of tinny


m a c h i n e s , synthesizers, robotic vocals and

W e all

A n d what's with all these c o l l a b o r a t i o n s ? Lee and TiLo make

(if you've ever seen a picture of them) an

remember Whigfied's awful Sat-

the b a c k b o n e of M O M but they don't seem to have the stam-

atrocious dress sense.

urday Night and the dance moves

ina f o r a whole a l b u m . They've had to get their mates in to

that went

shore them up, from Kid Rock to S n o o p D o g g . S o m e make a



Sometimes even a c e . W h i c h is surprising,

a l o n g with it. Jason

Nevin's mix of Run D M C ' s It's Like

That was also a summer


while others muddy up an already

less than crystal clear mix.



it's all rather


because it veers close to being unbeliev-

song that seemed to play wherev-

ably cheesy almost all the time, yet still

er I went. This leads me to think:

I guess if you're a regular reader of Metal H a m m e r then you'd

W h o will be producing the song

be pretty pleased with M e t h o d s O f M a y h e m , its chuggin g riffs

riff in 'Jacques Your B o d y ' is worth the

of this summer?

a n d relentless thumping drums would be right up your street.

asking price a l o n e , a n d the brilliant bouncy basslines, provided by J a c q u e s himself,

I suppose it's

retains its credibility. The squealing synth

going to have to be a garage

But most of us like a little variation within our music a n d

tune with the way music has been

there's only a couple of tracks here that even hint at a light at

provide a g o o d solid base. But if you've

going recently, which brings me

the end of that particular tunnel. New Skin has a White Z o m -

got the a l b u m already, why would you

bie / Zombie

want to purchase this? Apart from the


the new M J C o l e


feel to it with a fairly mellow, tuneful chorus and

Reviewed in Felix this week, his

C r a s h is decent industrial metal in the Fear Factory m o u l d . It's

sound of the enthusiastic crowd and some

new single is a cracker and if this

not e n o u g h t h o u g h . M e t h o d s O f M a y h e m is a thoroughly

cheekily thrown in riffs from hits from the

is anything to g o by expect a few

crap a l b u m . It's offensive, childish, embarrassing a n d a n

Eighties, there's nothing much new. O n e

more super tracks from him over

exercise in how not to be taken seriously.

for the completist only.

the summer. M y advice to you is to keep listening hard.



2 May 2000 • Felix


f r e q u e n c y

Keith Caputo Died Laughing (Roadrunner)




Death In Vegas @ The Forum, Kentish Town After bringing the house down a n d earning rave reviews (inducing on these pages) after their autumn gig at the Shepherd's Bush Empire,

Roadrunner Records, home to scary metal acts such as Slipknot, C o a l

Death in Vegas' visit to the Forum was hugely anticipated. In the inter-

C h a m b e r and Keith C a p u t o . Except Keith C a p u t o is neither scary, nor

im, their latest a l b u m , The Contino

metal and seems a bit out of place o n Roadrunner's artists list. For those

success. Testament to their acceptance into the mainstream is the fact

of you who d o not know, he was the front man for popular metal act Life

that a single - Aisfia - has been used in that bastion of the middle-of-

of Agony for ten years. D i e d Laughing,

the-road, the background music for a TV advert. Yet the music hasn't in

however, is somewhat different

and may disappoint L O A fans. This a l b u m is more laid back. The anger

Sessions, has enjoyed considerable

any way become more ordinary: in fact, very little has c h a n g e d .

has gone and been replaced with gentler, more reflective songs. G e n e r a l exposure to the music meant that the crowd was more familiar The opening track, Honeycomb

wouldn't seem out of place o n a Feed-

with the band's material, which noticeably improved the atmosphere at

er a l b u m , being a distorted-guitar pop-rock song with a chorus that you

the Forum. However, there were few other improvements since that gig

can sing a l o n g to. The next few tracks are somewhat more relaxed, using

a few months a g o . The deep reggae DJ's were the s a m e ; the crazy film

the traditional combination of clean guitars and strings to create typical

projections were the s a m e ; in fact, DiV played basically the same set.

soft rock melodies. Although these songs are well written, they don't

The order was perhaps varied, but the tunes all came from the last

stand out and c o u l d quite easily serve the purpose of background music.

album . O f course, this pleased the crowd just as much second time

Just about anyone c a n guess w h o m the song Cobain




head) is about. O n e of the more notable songs o n the a l b u m , it c o m bines jazzy verses with louder, heavier choruses based around the refrain ' C o b a i n was murdered by y o u ' .

But for those of us who saw the first performance, this latest one was ultimately disappointing, since none of the guest vocalists from the album joined the band o n stage. Deprived of the distraction of a singer,

Just Be is another catchy number which could quite easily be the theme

the audience often was left wondering exactly what the blokes hidden

tune to a children's television show. A spiky but friendly piano a n d

behind big boxes of electronics were actually d o i n g . The confusion was

descending bass-line are a c c o m p a n i e d by melodic vocals, but lyrics like

exacerbated during the vocal tracks when we could hear singing,

"numbskull, you are h a e m o r r h a g i n g " clearly separate the anguish of a

despite the fact that there was plainly no vocalist anywhere near a

tortured rock star from The Raggy Dolls. The album ends o n the ballad

microphone. It generated a strange distortion of o u r concept of reality,

Brandy Duval, about his mother who died of a heroin overdose when

and left us asking ourselves what was really being performed and what

Keith was only one year o l d . A g a i n , orchestral instruments are used here

was coming off DAT.

to build the song into a fitting tribute. N o Bobbie Gillespe this time, not even Dot Allison a n d definitely no O n e thing that I have always noticed about Keith C a p u t o is that he's got

Iggy Pop. In November, I counted 17 people o n stage at one point:

a g o o d voice. It worked well in Life of Agony, a n d it works just as well

DiV's stage presence was certainly diminished (and not just numerical-

on his solo work. This a l b u m contains songs that you'd probably expect

ly) by this, although the enthusiasm of the crowd reinstated some ener-

to hear from s o m e o n e like Paul Young (don't let that put you off), rather

gy to the proceedings. To be fair, the band did still m a n a g e to rock the

than somebody w h o o n c e fronted a heavy metal b a n d . It's g o o d for

joint. The music was as twisty as ever, with their trippy jams working the

chilling out to after a n energetic night out, although there are better

crowd into a frenzy on several occasions. They c o m m a n d your attention

albums for this purpose. Sadly, although D i e d Laughing

is suited for a

like any top act, and the question about what constitutes 'live' electronic

wide a u d i e n c e , most peopl e who might like it will probably never get a

music could be asked of many bands. Still, the gig left Felix with spec-

chance to hear it.

ulating as to what could have b e e n . . . . Minder


The Felix Music Team is ALWAYS looking for more writers, so if you're interested in contributing, we interested in having you. Just come into the office on Tuesday or Friday lunchtimes and ask for Thom or James. Failing that drop us an email at

See you soon!


Felix • 2 May 2000

f r e q u e n c y Toni Braxton

MJ Cole


He Wasn't Man Enough

Crazy Love

If Only


(Talkin' Loud)



With the quality of r'n'b tunes rising

I think if you told me a year a g o that

How can you not laugh at


all the time, it's getting harder and

I'd be looking forward to the release




of a garage album, I would have told

look at them. I suppose

The music of Merz is

desired radio playlists. However, this

you that you were insane. Anyway, for

they do what they do

unique, and there are

latest offering from Toni Braxton has


garage has

quite well, but it's not

plenty of fans out there

had no trouble elbowing the compe-

really grown on me recently and the

really music to fulfil the

who adore their tones.

tition out of the way. She may have

music of M J C o l e is no exception.

body or mind. There is,

However, the allure has

been away for four years, but there's

Crazy Love is an excellent single from

however, a lot of comedy

never quite managed to

been no loss of talent and with any

the top end of the garage spectrum

associated with the Han-

luck her forthcoming album should

and I'll be first in the queue when the

son boys, and as one of

contain a few more gems.

album drops in a few weeks time.

the C D s comes with a


capture nice

me. Lotus is


but it's

to get onto




free poster this could be

nothing to get excited about. M a y b e I'm missing


worth buying for some-


thing new to stick of your



probably not.


Cuban Boys

Ballad of Cable Hogue

Inertia Kicks

(City Slang)

(EMI) I don't understand the

Funkstar De Luxe vs. Terry Max

Utah Saints

can't beat a good bal-

Walkin' In The Name

Funky Music

motivation behind these











was a firm




singles. is a self

favourite of mine when I

Funkstar De Luxe was the guy who

Song titles should in general give an


was younger. This single

brought us the undeniably excellent

impression of what a song is about

"we're just a bunch of



is in the country a n d

remix of Bob Marley's Sun is Shin-

or what it sounds like. The Utah

losers" (which makes a

western style, with all the


In The N a m e is not

Saints classic that we all know and

change from hamsters),


usual touches, a n d , as quite up to the same standard, but makes a nice that's not say that this should be change from the rest of avoided. The beat keeps your head


but the construction is


so basic and obvious

Music, their latest comeback single

that after just a few lis-

this weeks singles. I sup-

bouncing and the lyrics are easy

is neither funky nor is it particularly



enough to pick up, so don't be sur-

musical. So I suggest a trip to a

want more. I think I pre-

could put a lot of peo-


vocabulary school (or better still a

ferred the hamsters.

ple off, but this is definit-

aloud in the forrthcoming weeks.


the C & W style

ley worth checking.

I mean, just

if you're


this out

love was called Something and


it was indeed.




retirement home) is about due for these self claimed Saints.

...Singles reviews by Felix...

2 May 2000 • Felix


f r e q u e n c y




Bedrock Bedrock Fridays @ Netting Hill Arts Club

Bedrock @ Heaven

Recommended Clubbing

Well, well, well. It's all over: lectures, the

As the house prices show, South Kensington is a highly

This clubbing c o l u m n has been missing

project, the term, everything. I suppose

desirable place to live. However, although the architec-

for t o o long. N o w it's back, I suggest

that there's a few exams, but we can deal

ture is nice e n o u g h , it's not really what I'd call the perfect

you take your pick a n d a break from

with that. So we've a five week Easter h o l -

place for students to call home. From Prince's G a r d e n s

revision. After a l l , d a n c i n g is an excel-

iday - time for some fun methinks. A n d , as

it's quite a long walk to the nearest twenty-four

lent remedy to many problems.

if G o d has heard my calls, there are two

s h o p , a n d w h o knows how far to the nearest late night


drinking a n d d a n c i n g dens. It was f o r this reason that I

Tuesday 2rd May

couldn't wait to move away from the embassies a n d the

Stoned Asia @ Dogstar; FREE!

museums and toward a place with a little more spice. M y

The Dogstar is a n excellent venue for

flat for the last three years now has been located in

some midweek b o o g i e - i n g a n d as this


at heaven over Easter.

W icke d and W i l d ! Night

o n e is a birthday



the k e b a b


a n d tourist


Danny Tenaglia a n d D e e p Dish joining the




residents to provide the kind of music

Q u e e n s w a y , a n d although it's not exactly in club central

than this if you have a night off.

night is free, you c o u l d a lot worse

clubs were built for. The night kicks off

Farringdon or the West-End, it is located within just a

Thursday 4th May

well with the other rooms in the venue

couple of minutes of quite a few funky night-spots. Per-

Bedrock @ Heaven; £ 8

providing a nice warm up to the w o n d e r in

haps the most notable of these is the Notting Hill Arts

Pete Tong joins M r Digweed a n d M r

the main r o o m . Then we move to the main

C l u b , a n d Felix m a n a g e d to spend a few hours there

Howells for Felix's favourite

room to finish off with the a b o v e men-

during the holidays to find out what's what.

this month.

tioned DJs. The night is g o o d e n o u g h , but


Bedrock comes with the

highest r e c o m m e n d a t i o n possible a n d

the evening ends suddenly a n d we feel as

First things first, you don't get student discount o n entry

I don't think that there's a better club

if we've missed something.

on a Friday, so it's six of your finest pounds to gain

night in the country. It's just a shame

a d m i s s i o n . The drinks inside aren't particularly

Sasha can't play every week.


Two weeks later a n d we're back a g a i n .

(three pounds a bottle), but there is quite a g o o d selec-

Friday 5th May

O n l y this time we know we're not g o i n g to

tion if your wallet's up for a p o u n d i n g . There's even

Gallery @ Turnmills; £ 8

leave d i s a p p o i n t e d . This time it's M a u n d y

Absinthe o n the menu for those who are tempted by

Last week was the fifth birthday party of

Thursday, so the next d a y is a bank holi-

these things, a n d this c a n seem like a n excellent idea

this excellent clubnight. I c a n imagine

day a n d the crowd will be up for a big

after a few beers. For those of drug orientated nature,

this still g o i n g strong after another five.

one. W h a t ' s more Sasha is a p p e a r i n g as

note that this is probably not the place for madness,

Move @ Ministry; £ 8

a guest (for the unitiated or those that

rather one for those looking for a quieter night out or try-

The Ministry has h a d a lot to put up

ignore the club scene, clubbers feel the

ing to be a bit t o o c o o l . W h i c h brings me to my main

with this year with the emergence of

same way about S a s h a as fanatical foot-

gripe about this p l a c e . A lot of the peopl e at the venue

clubs such as home a n d Fabric. H o w -

ball fans feel about their team). As a

don't seem to be having a g o o d time and are just at this

ever, it still

result, the queue is round the corner when

venue trying to be out with the in crowd. However, all this

should definitely not be a v o i d e d

we arrive a n d it looks like it's g o i n g to

can be happily ignored as the music gets you g o i n g . Fur-

Sunday 7th May

take well over an hour to negotiate it. S o

thermore, you c a n also have a great time

Metalheadz @ Dingwalls; £ 6

we d o what all. g o o d student

those trying to be c o o l a n d seeing the fashion victims


d o : we blag o u r way in at the front a n d


b o o g i e o n the d a n c e floor.

are o n the d a n c e f l o o r in ten minutes flat.

try. M a k e sure you try this at least once. So I suppose what I'm saying is that this is not your aver-

and the crowd moves like only a H e a v e n

a g e d a n c e club. It is, however, a n excellent place to hear

crowd c a n . Three o ' c l o c k comes a n d we

some brilliant

you there? Dan

Still going strong, this is probably still the best drum'n'bass club in the c o u n -

The music was better than we c o u l d hope

swear we'll be back for the next one. See

has much to offer a n d

music a n d , although there is probably

To have your club added to this list just invite us along, we'll check it out and if

more than your average sprinkling of weirdoes inside,

we like it we'll put it down

this should definitely not put you off.

e-mail: John

phone: 020 7594 8072 ask for Thorn

18 Films


Felix • 2 May 2000








Erin Brockovich

Sunshine Any film with Ralph Fiennes c a n be guaranteed not to be full of belly-

Based on a true story, Erin Brockovich is the latest film to star Julia Roberts

laughing humour or infantile silliness. In fact, even a film with the title Sun-

of Notting Hill fame. D o not make the mistake of dismissing this as anoth-

shine, of course, because it stars Ralph Fiennes, will have nothing to d o

er movie where she plays a doey eyed female who eventually falls in love

with happiness or nice things but will be about d o o m , gloom and despair.

with the first attractive bloke she stumbles across. This is not that type of

This film is an epic in terms of both length (three hours) and content, which


without doubt is firmly o n the serious side of serious. Instead, Julia Roberts plays Erin Brockovich, a single mother of three who However, this does not mean it is a bad film and it is not by any stretch of

has led a hard life, knows it herself and doesn't mind letting other people

the imagination. It follows the trials and tribulations of the Sonnenschein

know it. O n e day, she is involved in a car accident in which she is badly

family over one hundred and fifty years up to the present day. Set in direc-

injured. Unfortunately, Ed Masry, the lawyer hired to present her case in

tor Istvan Szabo's native Hungary, we follow three generations of a Jewish

court does not succeed a n d she is left in debt d u e to all the medical

family, as they struggle to keep themselves as one against a backdrop of

expenses she incurred because of the accident. Determined to work, Erin

political turmoil a n d two World Wars. The story begins with Emmanuel,

hassles Ed Masry (Albert Finney) who failed her in court, to give her a job.

who using his inheritance of a recipe book for a liquor called 'Sunshine'

He does his best not to give in but eventually has no choice, as Erin is one

transforms his family from local peasant to wealthy businessman. His son,

determined bitch. Whilst in his employment she stumbles across some files

Ignatz builds on his father's respectability by becoming a high court judge.

that don't make sense to her and convinces Ed into letting her investigate

However, much to his families' horror, he is having a secret affair with his

them. This she does extremely well and unearths a conspiracy. The rest of

'sister', Valerie. However, she is actually his first cousin, but treated as his

the story is about how Erin and Ed deal with the conspiracy .

sibling after her father, Emmanuel's brother died. They have two sons, one of whom, A d a m , becomes an O l y m p i c fencer. H e , himself has two chil-

Although not a romantic comedy, this film could be classed as one. It has

dren, cheats o n his wife, before like most of them, succumbing to the hor-

all the makings of a romance but without all that slushy stuff that makes

rors of the Holocaust. His only son to survive, Ivan scared by seeing his

guys g o ' u r g h l ' and it is also extremely amusing at times. The funniest bits

father executed, seeks revenge by political motives in the Communist

are the references by Erin to her breasts, especially when she is trying to

movement. Before long the hypocrisy of the Communists dawns o n him

get herself heard by people who wouldn't normally listen to some-one like

and so he campaigns for democracy, a realisation that after years of

her. This she does quite a lot and has the desired effect. Apparently the

struggle, finally happens.

enhanced cleavage is all down to a special gel padded bra not a boob job, but I'm not convinced.

The greatest twist in the film is not the intricacy of the plot, but the fact that Ralph Fiennes plays Ignatz, A d a m and Ivan during the film, reincarnating

The director, Steven Soderbergh, allows his classic trademarks to shine

himself as the son when his father dies. Each time he also sports a differ-

through in this work. Soderbergh casts an excellent leading pair in Julia

ent kind of facial hair, a poor disguise I think you'll agree, that fails to mas-

Roberts and Ed Finney just as he did with Jennifer Lopez a n d G e o r g e

querade the fact that it actually still is Ralph Fiennes. Apart from this stunt,

Clooney in O u t of Sight. Admittedly, there is no sexual chemistry between

however, the film is excellent in most respects. Fiennes is supported by a

the pair as Finney's character is old enough to easily be Roberts father, but

superb cast, especially Jennifer Ehle a n d Rosemary Harris as the young

they d o share a screen chemistry that works like a dream. M a k i n g a

and old Valerie. William Hurt makes an appearance, as does Rachel

cameo is the real Erin Brockovich as a waitress in a restaurant that the

Weisz (last seen screaming incessantly at a computer generated mummy).

character Erin takes her children to for a treat. Try not to blink at that point or you will miss her. Soderbergh's cinematography is similar to that of his

Tackling a difficult subject, this film depicts very well how, over one hun-

previous movies and that too works well without distracting from the sto-

dred and fifty years, Hungarians have been screwed (for want of a better


word) by years of unsuccessful political naivety and experimentation. Will this film attract the avid Imperial student, whose idea of a g o o d time is

If you are a fan of Julia Roberts (or just interested in her new blossoming

alone in a dark room with a box of Kleenex and a DVD of The Matrix'? N o ,

cleavage) this film is a must see. It has so much feel g o o d factor and just

of course not. This film is extremely heavy going, which people will find

goes to show that you can d o absolutely anything you want if you want it

rewarding only if they put in the effort to make it rewarding.

enough. Drew


2 May 2000 Âť Felix

Films 19


s c r e e n

/CU C I N E M A Scream 3 Scream

3 is the third a n d final part in the

Out On Video

What's On At ICU Cinema

The X-Files: Closure

Toy Story 2

Scream trilogy a n d in my opinion it is better


is a previously unseen (on both Sky

This is the sequel to the amazing Toy Story. All the

than the second and just as g o o d as the first.

and B B C ) , feature length episode of the X-Files

old characters are back, and the same actors as

The characters who m a n a g e d to make it to the

which marks the end of the mythology


in the original Toy Story d o all their voices. The

end of the last one have been re-united for the

rounding M u l d e r ' s sister Samantha. For those

new characters are from "Woody's Roundup", a

very last time.

of you who are regular followers of the X-Files,

TV show in which Woody (the cowboy) starred

you will know all about the hype surrounding

during the 1 950s. In it, his sidekick was the cow-

The story takes place o n the set of 'Stab 3 ' in



girl Jessie (voiced by Joan Cusack), while his

Hollywood - a film about Scream 2. Everyone

apparently solves this issue but not to a very

horse was called Bullseye. Kelsey G r a m m a r voic-

is now a little older but not wiser, as people are

satisfactory conclusion. At least not one suited

es the final character, The Prospector, a kindly

still dropping like flies. W h e n there are deaths

to a college full of scientists.

old fellow who is not all that he seems. The story

joins up with the others including G a l e Weath-

Fox M u l d e r (David Duchovny) and D a n a Scul-

kidnaps Woody so that he can make his collec-

ers (Courteney Cox) a n d Dewey Riley (David

ly (Gillian Anderson) join forces with a police

tion of toys from "Woody's Roundup" complete,


psychic to help solve the mysterious disap-

in order to sell them to a museum for lots of

pearance of a young girl. This brings


money. O f course, this leaves Buzz Lightyear and



revolves around a malevolent toy collector, who

on the set, Sydney Prescott (Neve Campbell)

Eventually, after

and thrills,

the killer

lots of suspense

a n d the motives are

revealed. It's not a predictable ending. Instead

strong emotions in M u l d e r which are connect-

co to go and rescue Woody, while fighting a new

it's quite sad a n d o n e classic of the director,

ed to his sister. As the story goes o n , more

enemy, Zurg. This film is definitely worth watch-

Wes C r a v e n .

information is found out about M u l d e r ' s sister.

ing so get down to the cinema.

As would be expected, all the usual characters There was a lot of secrecy on the set of Scream

are involved including C a n c e r M a n and Assis-

The Green Mile

3 a n d not even the cast knew who the killer

tant Director Skinner.

This film is made by the same people that did

would be. This wasn't just Wes C r a v e n being

The Shawshank Redemption, and also it is based

his normal self but to stop a repeat perform-


has the same formula as any regular

on a Stephen King short story. The story is very

ance of when some of the script from Scream

episode of The X-files. It's nothing special but

different in nature and, as only Stephen King is

2 a p p e a r e d on the internet before the scene

if you are a huge fan, this episode will intrigue

able to d o , he conjures something

was even shot. This movie provides a satisfac-

you a n d answer some of those long standing

intricate up out of the blue, and you have no

tory end to the trilogy a n d it's a g o o d thing



that Wes C r a v e n has decided to stop making Scream films before it got like Nightmare


idea how, when and where it is going to finish. The story is set around a prison death row in 1 930's Louisiana. Tom Hanks plays Paul Edge-


comb , the head guard who oversees and ulti-

Elm Street.

X-Files Competition ous Scream's to enjoy this movie. It does help you to follow the story, but is not essential.

mately leads the prisoners to their punishment which is death by the electric chair. Everything

You don't need to have seen any of the previThanks to Twentieth Century Fox, Screen has

seems pretty normal,

three X-Files: Closure videos. It has been out to

named John Coffey, convicted of the gruesome

until a black


There is plenty to laugh a n d jump at in this

buy since 2 4 April but if you've put off buying it

murder of a pair of young girls, arrives. Then, all

movie. If you are a squeamish type, remember

due to lack of funds, answer the following ques-

of a sudden, you are whisked from normality,

to take, s o m e o n e with you to hold your hand

tion and you could get your hands on a copy

and fill you in o n the bits of story you will miss

free of charge.

plot twist, I think you'll agree, and one that leaves

due to hiding behind your h a n d . What is the number of Agent Fox Mulder's Watch this space next week for an interview

apartment? E-mail the answer to before

Neve C a m p b e l l .

1 2pm on Friday and it could be you who owns Hele



shocked. What


however, is a captivating tale that combines stark reality with fantasy, surrounding a simple giant

with director, Wes C r a v e n a n d leading lady,


when the prisoner holds Edgecomb's meat and two veg and performs a small miracle. A strange

an exclusive copy of X-Files : Closure.

whose special ability makes him frightened of the world around him. Be warned though, this film is three hours long!

20 Films


Felix « 2 May 2000








Odeon Kensington Competition

Any Given Sunday

Scream 3 has now o p e n e d nationwide a n d is definitely going to be a

Set in the world of American football, Any Given Sunday is the work of the

massive blockbuster. To celebrate its opening Screen have five pairs of

masterful Oliver Stone. He takes a look at the professional sports world from

tickets courtesy of the kind people at the O d e o n Kensington to give

a completely different perspective. It is the first time that Oliver Stone and Al

away. Tired of studying for all those exams? G e t your brain in gear to

Pacino have actually worked together on the big screen.

answer the following question a n d you might earn yourself a night away from the books. This week's question is simple so you have no excuse

Tony D'Amato (Al Pacino) is the coach of Miami Sharks, a once glorious and

for not entering.

magnificent team. N o w they are battling for survival after three consecutive losses, sliding attendance and aging heroes. O n e such aging hero is the 39-

Who connects Scream 3 to / Know What You Did Last Summer?

year-old quarterback, Jack ' C a p ' Rooney (Dennis Quaid) who clings to his

E-mail the the correct answer to before 12pm on Fri-

tive quarterback Willie Beamen (Jamie Foxx) when C a p is benched due to

team as if he is trying to cling to his youth. He is replaced by the young, invenday and keep your fingers crossed.

injury. From there on there is a wrangle between coach and the new young star. The coach struggles to update his methods and the star refuses to con-

All winners of previous competitions have been e-mailed so g o a n d

form. Eventually, it all works out but there is much macho-ness first.

check yours to see if you've w o n . Stone is not one to be shy of tackling tricky subjects. He has produced masterpieces such as Platoon and JFK, both of which take a look at difficult sub-

10th Kingdom Competition

jects and then presents them in a thought provoking way. Any Given Sunday doesn't do this. The story is predictable and is a tale about nothing less than

Wth Kingdom

is the a new d r a m a being shown o n Sky as we speak a n d

Screen has been lucky e n o u g h to get o u r hands o n some competition copies of 10th Kingdom

courtesy of Warner Vision. All you have to d o to

get your hands o n a box set of 10th Kingdom,

just e-mail the correct

answer of the following question to before 1 2 p m o n

what I would expect from a sport run by wealth. Admittedly, I don't know a lot about American football, being more of a rugby fan myself, but this film didn't shed any new or exciting light on a topic of which I am almost completely ignorant. It does show how aging players cope with up and coming stars and how sportsmen deal with finance over health.

Friday. There are some excellent performances from all the cast. The most notable is Who connects 10th Kingdom to Tales of the Unexpected?

the fine piece of acting delivered by Cameron Diaz. She plays Christina Pag-

Warner Vision have released the whole series of the J 0th Kingdom o n

This character is a corporate bitch and a complete control freak. It is one role

niacci who has inherited the Miami Sharks organisation from her late father. May 1st as a box set-and it costs just £ 3 9 . 9 9 for the set. If you don't

that Diaz seems to fit very easily. After roles such as the pet-loving wife in Being

want to buy it but really, really want to o w n a set, just enter the c o m -

John Malkovich or nice girl in Something About Mary, it's good to see she can


still carry this off. There isn't a point in the film that she opens her mouth without shouting or being aggressive at some-one. There is also a cameo from

Odeon Kensington Student Offers

Charlton Heston as the Commissioner of the Associated Football Franchises of America' whose job it is to look after the interests of all the owners of the football teams.

Still finding cinemas expensive in London? Fear no more! The O d e o n Kensington will let you see films M o n d a y to Friday for only £ 4 . 5 0 a

For those of you who are huge fans of American football and understand the

showing at their c i n e m a . You c a n also g o to the Saturday late shows for

rules, Any Given Sunday might be of some interest to you. It will give you an

only £ 4 . 5 0 . You won't find a better bargain in this part of London so

insight to how the whole football industry is run as well as the emotions

go o n get out there a n d see some of the fantastic new films that are

involved in being an excellent sportsman. If you are not a fan then this film is

out. The O d e o n Kensington is situated at the far end of Kensington

about relationships on and off the sports field and how they are tackled. Just

High Street, a n d to get there all you need to d o is get on number 9 or

one word of warning when you watch this film: don't leave until the credits are

1 0 bus or take a twenty minute walk due west. M a k e sure you take stu-

over as the best twist in the story-line comes at the end.

dent ID (Union, U L U o r ISIC card) with you to take advantage of this great offer.


2 May 2000 Âť Felix

Films 21

s c r e e n


Helen Clark interviews Al Pacino, star of Oliver Stone's Any Given Sunday Oscar winner Al Pacino was born on 25 April 1 940

Do you feel that other adors are intimidated by

laboured about things any more. I believe in a

in New York city and is probably most famously


healthy preparation for things.

known for his part as Michael Corleone in the

I don't feel that when I'm working with them. I just

Godfather movies. Recently he starred in the grip-

do my work the same way I have always done. I

Do you think this film will appeal to people who

ping cigarette conspiracy drama, The Insider and

couldn't possibly act if I felt that they had this feel-

don't know anything about American football? I don't know. That's going to be interesting to see.

his latest work is Any Given Sunday. Screen was

ing towards me because we all get in there and do

lucky enough to have an opportunity to talk to the

it together. When I come to do a movie I feel I come

I think they will get into the philosophy of it and the

man himself and what follows is what we found out.

with thirty years of past and movies that I've made

impact it has on people's lives. So maybe that is

so people have a tendency to respond to where


Are you a big fan of American football?

they know you. There's an image instilled in people

I don't know it as well as I know baseball but I have

of you. I have it when I meet someone that I know

Every few years actors come and go but you've

played as a youngster. The game has changed

just through movies. Through the years, I've learnt

stayed; is there a formula to being an actor that

now. I don't know the inner workings of it but I

to let that go because they are never what you think

enjoy watching it.

they are. In answer to the question, it's built in anyway and they soon get over it. We are like different

There are about a hundred speaking parts in Any

instruments in an orchestra and all the actors play

Given Sunday. You're the lead so is that anything


like being the quarterback on a successful team.

lasts? Most actors go with the first role that anyone will have you in. There's a point in a career where if you do make it people want to use you just because you've made it. You have to be careful when you chose a part, not to do it just because people want

A football player told me once in my research that

Was Oliver Stone the director you have always

you. If you weren't famous, they probably wouldn't

playing quarterback is like going in the opposite

wanted to work with?

take you for the part. Along the way, my choices for

direction on the freeway in LA with the traffic com-

Oliver directs as if he is in a state of chaos. He was

things have changed. I made a little picture called

ing at you and reading Hamlet at the same time.

directing four different scenes in the movie at the

Chinese Coffee myself. I've just finished putting it

same time. I was jaw dropped by that. He knows

together. It only took four years. It's a small movie.

Do you think American football players deserve the

what he's doing and you feel that. You have confi-

I haven't acted in a year. I'm trying to find some-

huge salaries they get?

dence in some one who has a definitive vision of

thing I can connect to now.

When one looks into the life span of an athlete and

what they want.

takes into account the kind of money generated by playing the game, you have to step back and deter-

Your character Tony D'Amato is afraid of the

What has going behind the camera taught you about acting?

mine what you think. I d o believe athletes are paid

changes as he gets older. Do you relate to that as

There's a distinction between wanting to make a

what they generate. It's a dangerous game. I never

you approach sixty?

film and being a director. I flinch when I say direc-

thought much about the price they receive. I'm sure

Maybe I've been spared as to me the whole idea of

tor because I know what directors are and what

it's relative to how much they bring in so I imagine

age is relative to the business you are in. I don't give

they do and I'm not one of them. I'm not in that

it's fair. Tony D'Amato's perfect night in would appear to

it much thought, as it's all relative. Chronological

league. It's another talent. I look at things as an

age doesn't interest me.

actor. I look at life and what I choose to do from an

Maybe I'm kidding myself. There are certain

actor's point of view. For instance, this picture Chi-

be jambalaya, Billie Holiday on the stereo and

acting parts that come up that you don't feel you

Ben-Hur on TV. What would be your perfect night

want to do as you've done them before. I'm not that

I wanted wasn't there so I did it. It's almost impos-


interested in playing roles I might have been inter-

sible to direct yourself and act well in a movie you

That is a creative question. It seems like I'm always

ested in twenty years ago.

direct. I can see the flaws in the film I made. If I was-

nese Coffee, I was acting in it and the director that

n't in it, I think I could have done it better. The poor

fantasising on certain foods but it's not practical for me to eat them. There's a movie I like to see that

How have you and Oliver Stone changed over the

other actors in it I didn't direct them at all. After

plays a lot on the telly. M c C a b e and Mrs Miller is

twenty years you've known each other?

each take thirty people rush to this little monitor to

always playing on the satellite TV I have. I'm a big

I don't think Oliver has changed at all. He's still as

see the take and I just sit there and wait for their ver-

Julie Christie fan and I always have been. As for

wild as ever and that's wonderful. He's the same

dict. They come back and say do it again. The film

music, it would be Frank Sinatra but I also like to

guy I knew back then. Only he can tell you if I've

isn't bad. I'm a little embarrassed about directing as

changed. I hope I did a little. I don't feel as

to me it's a different language.

listen to arias.

22 Games

Felix > 2 May 2000 In association

© ••——»«





m^^m i mi m\ m • \^^^^m^m . . . . . . . . .





1 iiimmninnnr

Hydro Thunder (DC)

Tokyo Highway Challenge (DC)

Well, it's called Hydro Thunder: guess what it's about. Yep, racing...on

I know that you all lie in bed, dreaming of being subversive. You know

water. A concept. But a g o o d concept? For those of you who played and

what I mean. You want to get out of your bed, go outside, and steal a

enjoyed the Wipeouf series, then this is not going to disappoint. Very simi-

car. Then you want to joy ride it. Well now - if you want - you can.

lar in many ways (except with no weapons, although strangely you don't

Brumm. This is fun.

miss them). Actually, to be honest, you don't really steal the cars - but you do drive The concept: You own a boat. You are g o o d at racing your boat. You get

around the Tokyo equivalent of the M 2 5 abusing nice, normal, law-abid-

invited to a bunch of races organised by other people who like racing their

ing citizens. A n d it's all at night, so I felt like I was joy riding. The concept

boats (usually in illegal places) at very high speed. If you are g o o d enough

of this game is unusual for the genre: you go round and round in circles,

to finish the first (easiest) three courses, using the three beginner boats, then


you can do the medium ones, and then the hard ones, and then the bonus

opposed to a normal commuter), you challenge them by flashing your

ones (getting new boats at each level). So there's almost a plot. But no,

headlights at them. Then you race them while avoiding all the other peo-

if you see someone who is considered a rival (ie another racer as

nothing clever or new. O n the other hand the boats do go very fast - so fast


that you can make them fly (which is quite surreal) for limited amounts of

quite difficult. Then, when you've got enough cash for your next upgrade,

time. You can also bash other boats out of the water when you have

or you've beaten everyone on the road that night, you exit on a slip road.

engaged your turbo (explained later), including police boats which are try-

It's a nicely satisfying way to end your day (although you can quit from a

ing to stop you from having your fun, just because you pushed over a


in an attempt to win and get money. This g a m e rapidly becomes

kayaker in an American lake. Which is nice. There are many different cars you can buy, but I really don't know how The graphics are very nice indeed. A fast refresh rate and good sounds

you're meant to get enough cash to even buy one in addition to your

really make you feel there. You remember the kayakers? Well they squawk

starting car. You receive money by beating other people in a race, and

as you run them down. Very satisfactory. And when you engage your turbo

the more difficult they are considered to be, the more money you get.

(explained later), the engines transform. And what's better is that each boat

However, you can also spend your cash on upgrading your vehicle, but

has a different transformation. Now, I'm not a big fan of Star Trek, but I do

this can be more expensive than buying a new car, so it all seems to dis-

remember the first time I saw the credits for Voyager, and the engines did

appear if you want to have any chance of beating people.

that moving thing just before warping, I thought " c o o l " . A n d this is much better. And there are thirteen boats. So at least thirteen times cooler.

But it's still g o o d fun. The method of racing is more like a beat 'em up: the further ahead of them you are, the faster they lose (for lack of a bet-

The levels are fun too. Each one has different obstacles in the middle of the

ter description) 'energy', and when it gets to zero, they lose (and you

water, depending on the setting: in the Arctic you have to avoid icebergs,

cheer like crazy).

and in the Far East you have to avoid big junks. Similarly you have different spectators - penguins and polar bears in one (oh dear, someone didn't

The control mechanism is easy to learn, but the idea is that you can mod-

do their homework), and paddy field workers in the other. And then there's

ify your car to get more control over things like drift, suspension height,

the turbo... You go pretty fast anyway, but you can pick up these turbo

gear ratio, etc. S o , if you upgrade your suspension, you are then given

things which will increase your speed to about double, and will also make

the option to change how high you want it, whenever you want (except

you invincible to other boats. The only way to complete the levels is to know

while driving), which definitely adds to the realism of the g a m e . The

where these are, and to pick up at least all of them, and then use them all

graphics are amazing as well (somewhat unsurprisingly - after all, surely

up in exactly the right places, so that you can beat the other boats by about

that's why you brought a Dreamcast), which is great when you're sitting

half a second, if you're lucky. This game is quite tough. There are also

inside the cockpit of the car, and there are several different soundtracks

secret passages that can be found, and although they shorten the route,

included on the disc, which seem to relate to the rival you're racing.

there might not be as many boosts along the way. This is not g o o d . All in all a g o o d g a m e , and if you like the idea of being an urban warSo play this game if you like burning water. The learning curve is challeng-

rior, fighting it out on the highways of Tokyo and generally causing wide-

ing (but fair) and all in all this is g o o d clean family fun.

spread mayhem, then this is for you. Will



23rd 7M - 2

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" 4 .


(to//eye %/tu<m /J

tzfive land, {casino, disco .

P h y s i c s

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S p e a k e r

M e e t i n g

S p e c i a l


t a l k

S c h a e f e r ,

b y P r o f e s s o r e d i t o r

M o l e c u l a r

P h y s i c s ,

P r o f e s s o r

o f

e n t i t l e d :

"The Big Bang, Stephen Hawking and God" L e c t u r e

p l a c e

T h e a t r e

talk entitled

" P u r e

v e r s u s

- a g a m e

o f t w o

P h y s i c s 5 . 3 0 p m ,

P h y s i c s

s t u d e n t s

w e l c o m e

L e c t u r e


A p p l i e d h a l v e s "

T h e a t r e


Tuesday 9 May 2000 P r o f e s s o r

E d a l a t ,

f r o m t h e

o f C o m p u t i n g ,


" D o i n g

R e a l

a n d S o l i d


it w i t h o u t

g i v e


F l o a t i n g :

a t 1 p m i n P h y s i c s 3

L a b o r a t o r y )

A l l

f r o m t h e

o f P h y s i c s , will g i v e

talk t a k e

K B a r n h a m ,

D e p a r t m e n t

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L e c t u r e s

Wednesday 3 May 2000

H e n r y

o f t h e J o u r n a l

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( F l o o r

1 ,

B l a c k e t t

5 . 3 0 p m ,

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L e c t u r e

T h e a t r e

o n M a y 3 r d

a n d s t a f f

t o a t t e n d

t h i s

a r e f r e e

v e r y e v e n t

Please contact Ranjini Spencer via or 020 7594 8059 in advance if you wish to attend

24 Books

Felix * 2 May 2000





s W H I L E


















D E A D . . H


C r e a t i n g a' W e b

Page Fourth

Ink John Preston


While I'm Dead Feed the Dog The Complete Idiot's Guide to Ric Browde Creating a Web Page

1989. Fleet Street is being abandoned by the last

Ric Brodie spent most of his childhood travelling

You've got to admit that this is not really going

of the papers still based there. Hugh Byrne, a


to appea l to any of us, I a m afraid to say. Most

Europe a n d America, before


reporter at one, is on the verge of cracking up,

down to an unsuccessful rock career. To make

of us who do care probably already know quite

seeming to have lost the ability to write. A throw-

ends meet he managed brothels, directed porn

a bit of HTML, and don't want to be (what we

away story about a man found dead in the

films, produced records and teaching English to

see as) patronised by a n 'idiot's' guide. A n d

Thames offers him his last chance before his

foreigners (the latter not being as wholesome as

those of us who don't care, don't care.


News Editor makes him bring the

it perhaps sounds). So what does the singer/gui-

Queen Mother's obituary up to date. Ink follows

tarist of The Amateur Gynaecologists have to

Hugh's investigations into the drowned man as

write about?

A h ' , I hear you say. ' W h a t happened to journalistic impartiality?' W e l l , okay. For the person

the paper winds up its offices and prepares to

who is an idiot, and does want to write a web

move to Canary Wharf, weaving a shadowy tale

While I'm Dead Feed The Dog is set in a sleepy

page (let's say an Oxford ' c o m p u t i n g ' student),

of secrets, lies and newsprint.

suburb of St Louis, Missouri, where nothing ever

this book would be very handy. It is a continu-

happens. This is until the sixteen year old Ric

ation of the famous Idiot's Guide series, and as

Preston paints a dark picture of a traditional news-

Thibault is corrupted by a leopard-skin bikini

such, it is extremely simple to read, taking you

paper operation, from the rows of hacks at type-

clad David Bowie promoter and his mother's

through the steps in a relatively rational fash-

writers in the offices, to the nightmarish depths of

best friend (who also happens to be his best


the printing presses and Byzantine politics of the

friend's mother). From here Ric starts on his con-

idiots? Take, for example, my mother. She's a

But is this really sufficiently

simple for

building. It seems a world away from the modern

quest to seduce the most beautiful girl in the

lovely w o m a n , but no idea about computers. If

world of desktop publishing, and it's hard to fath-

world, Nina Pennington.

I were to show her this book she would proba-

O f course, there are a few obstacles in the way;

would be able to cotton onto this (once she

The novel itself works well. Blackly comedic, yet

a couple of dead Latin teachers, a father in the

summoned up the courage to open the cover).

absorbing and intricate, it's stylishly written and

M a f i a , being forced to tour with David Bowie

thought provoking. There's a strong sense of iso-

and his mother leaving him a goodbye note

The style is informal, which

lation and dejection in Hugh's thoughts and

reading "While I'm dead: Feed The Dog" after

important in this kind of book, and everything

bly cry - but I have to say that I think even she

om how much has changed in ten years.

is clearly very

lifestyle, which adds depth a n d intensity to the

her first suicide attempt. Ric is caught in a whirl-

is explained in detail which, although some-

characterisation. The other characters tend to be

wind of hype which takes him to near stardom

times excruciating for someone with computer

a little vague, although most are complex and

during the seventies by simply loosing his virgini-

know-how, truly is idiot-proof. However, this is

realistic. Hugh's development and awakening is

ty (albeit in impressive style).

not a short book, a n d there is certainly a learn-

well portrayed, contrasting with the simultaneous

ing curve: later chapters in the book deal with

decline of the paper. The plot is slick, and the

Brodie describes the book as "totally autobio-

twists are only partly revealed in the conclusion,

graphical except for all the bits where I lied" and

if you already know a bit of H T M L , and aren't

which is itself a little ambiguous. The emphasis is

I hope he lies a lot! With seven deaths and too

scared of it, you would probably benefit from

not so much on finishing the story as on the cul-

many sexual encounters to count, this

buying a more advanced book.

mination of Hugh's escape from the problems that

moves along quickly and is an incredibly easy


Java-script a n d image m a p p i n g . Nonetheless,

haunt him throughout. .It's not perfect - it doesn't

read. This novel would definitely appeal to some

So, all in a l l , if you're not t o o techie parents/

quite hang together, and there's a suspicion that

one with a slightly darker sense of humour; in

friends/you are thinking of going into the webbusiness, then this is definitely a g o o d book to

some elements are there for the sake of a joke, or

fact if you are of a more sensitive nature I would

to sneer at some journalistic stereotypes (Preston

advise you to avoid it altogether. All in all, While

buy. For someone less scared of computers,

is the Daily Telegraph's Arts Editor). Overall,

I'm Dead Feed Tthe Dog is a light, shallow and

however, one could spend money o n a book

though, this is well worth a read; unusual, a c c o m -

raunchy novel with a story line which gradually

equally as big, but with much more informa-

plished and grimly fascinating.

progresses further and further from this world.








2 May 2000 « Felix

B o o k s








Helen's Literary Events in and around London Hero in the Shadows David Gemmell

NEW RIVER WRITERS Friendly workshop based group. Short stories, poet-

This is the first David G e m m e l l book I have read and it certainly makes me

for room hire; phone 0 2 0 8 9 9 3 0 2 8 5 ; tube Chancery Lane

M O N D A Y 1 S T

ry etc. 8 : 3 0 p m , The King's Arms, 1 l a Northington St, W C 1 . Collection wish I'd picked one up much earlier, as this is easily the best book I have read T U E S D A Y 2 N D

in ages. In fact, this is the third book to contain GemmeH's Waylander character - but fear not if you, like me, have not read the other two, as this is a complete story within itself (somewhat novel in the fantasy genre that tends

POETRY UNPLUGGED A n open mic reading with M C John Citizen.

to specialise in epics). There are references to previous books, but they are

7 : 3 0 p m , Poetry C a f e , 2 2 Betterton St, W C 2 . £ 3 (mem £ 2 : 5 0 ) ; phone

smoothly explained and don't leave you with that irritating feeling that you're

0 2 0 7 4 2 0 9 8 8 8 ; tube Covent G a r d e n

missing out on something important. TERRY JONES Speaking on Chaucer's Knight. 6:1 5 p m , British Library, 9 6 From the first paragraph you are plunged into the action of a savage village

Euston Road, N W 1 . £ 5 (cones £ 3 : 5 0 ) ; phone 0 2 0 7 4 1 2 7 3 3 2 ; tube

raid and things just never stop from there on. Even if you are someone who

King's Cross.

only reads occasionally, I defy you to be able to put this book down and not be itching to get back to it. Perhaps not such a good thing before exams,

PAMELA JONES Reading from Deep Blue Silence.

but definitely a g o o d aid to relaxation afterwards.

Goldsmith's C o l l e g e , New Cross, SET4. Free; phone 0 2 0 8 4 6 9 0 2 6 2 ;

6 p m , Waterstone's

tube New Cross. To fill you in a bit on the plot: Waylander, the retired prince of assassins, must do battle against cruel sorcerers and their demonic minions to prevent his

STEPHEN JONES Reading from The Bad Book. 6 : 3 0 p m , Borders, 2 0 3

world being over run by an ancient evil. To his aid come friends both old and

Oxford Street, W l . Free; phone 0 2 0 7 2 9 2 1 6 0 0 ; tube Oxford Circus.

new - Kysumu, a 'Rajnee' swordsman of a dying order; Yu Yu Liang, a simple ditch-digger with dreams of fame and heroism; Usarte, a powerful half-

NATHANIEL PHILBRICK Discusses In the Heart of the S e a . 7 : 3 0 p m , Stan-

breed priestess a n d Keeva Taliana, a peasant girl with uncanny weapon

fords, 12-14 Long Acre, W C 2 . £ 2 (redeemable against purchase of the

skills. Together they must wake the dead Rjor-nor warriors to restore the wan-

book); phone 0 2 0 7 8 3 6 1 3 2 1 ; tube Leicester Square.

ing magic of the portal that holds the terror of Huan Kador out of their realm. But dissent has already been sown amongst the avaricious local

W E D N E S D A Y 3 R D

nobility, is there a traitor in their midst? KAUO INSHIGURO Reads from When

We Were Orphans.


The plot is excellent, neatly drawing all the storylines together at the end. The

Muswell Hill bookshop, 72 fortis Green Rd, N 1 0 . Free; phone 0 2 0 8 4 4 4

only fault lies in perhaps relying a little too much on chance. His characters,

7 5 8 8 ; tube Highgate.

however, more than make up for this as they are all rounded and believable. Gemmell allows them to deal with real human difficulties in a way that shows

J O H N MILLS Talks about his career and signs Still Memories,

genuine understanding. Waylander, feared and hated by many for his fabu-

graphic autobiography.

his photo-

lous wealth and direct manner, must come to terms with his own hidden

Bank, SE1. £ 3 : 5 0 (cones £2:50), phone 0 2 0 7 4 5 2 3 0 0 0 ; tube Waterloo

1pm, Terrace C a f e , National Theatre, South

character and actions past and present. T H U R S D A Y 4 T H Somewhat surprisingly, Gemmeli's first attempt at fiction writing was met with unusual scorn from'one agent. H e was advised to continue working as a

SHORT FUSE Weekly fusion of performance comedy, stand-up poetry and

lorry driver's mate for Pepsi C o l a as it was ' a career not without merit'. How-

music. Tonight's show includes Bette O ' C a l l a g h a n and Jasper Holmes,

ever, twenty-one books and over one million sales later David Gemmell has

with host Nathan Penlington and music from David Bush. 8 : 3 0 p m , The

been praised from all quarters as one of fantasy's greatest writers.

C a m d e n H e a d , C a m d e n Walk, N I . £4 (cones £2); phone 0 2 0 8 5 3 6 0 6 5 2 ; tube Angel


Waterstones are currently offering a 20% discount on all books reviewed in Felix

26 Seven Days

Felix « 2 May 2000



v Monday


I Wednesday I



Quiz Night


Cocktail Night

Bust-A-Gut Comedy

8pm, da Vinci's

9pm - l a m , Union

Lectures may be over

8 p m , dBs,

Test your knowledge

(free before

(unless you're in

Martin Bigpig head-

of all things trivial

This year's sporting

Biochem), but that

lines, with support

with the Union's

season may now be

certainly doesn't

from...erm... someone.

weekly bar quiz,

over, but that's not

mean that life is any

sponsored by STA

going to stop a

less stressful - so sit


Travel. A £ 5 0 first

horde of drunken

back, relax and

9pm - 2 a m , Union

prize and various

souls descending on

d a m n well calm

(£1 with Union

lager based rewards

the Union to show off

down with the cheap-

It's taste bypass time

are on offer.

their latest "move".

est drinks around.




Skate Soc

C A G Soup Run


6 - 1 0 p m , Projectile

General meeting -

Roller Hockey, meet

8 . 1 5 p m , Weeks Hall

Weekly meeting from

Hall (Sports Centre)

6 p m , Southside

1 p m , Southside



Lounge or 2pm at Royal O a k sports

Skate Soc



Nightskate - meet at




1 - 2 p m , Southside Upper Lounge

9 . 3 0 p m outside

7 : 3 0 p m , meet in the BCR for Swan Lake.

M e c h Eng for a tour through London.

CAG Soup run, 8 . 1 5 p m .





Eminem & Dr Dre


Paul Weller

Simply Red

Eagle Eye Cherry

O n e - o f f show which

Sharply dressed

Aging mod rocker

Mick Hucknall and

M T V ' s Five Night

teams the controver-

poetry poetic gloom

Weller goes back on

co play their first live

Stand kicks off with

sial white rapper with

meets eloquent tales

the road to promote

date in the U K for

sets from Eagle Eye,

his e x - N W A mentor.

of love.

his new album.

five years. Shame.

Day O n e and LSK

Brixton Academy,


Albert Hall, £25

Wembtey A r e n a £ 3 2




Bush, £15

Scream 3

Galaxy Quest

Kevin A n d Perry G o

American Psycho


Neve C a m p b e l l , Wes

All-star Star Trek spoof


Very, very disturbed

Attempts to rip-off par-

Craven, Courtney C o x

boasting the classic

Harry Enfield stretch-

book becomes very,

ents don't come worse

et al return to scare

"man in a red shirt

es a five minute gag

very disturbed movie,

than this blatant mer-

the shit out of you...

doomed to die" gag.

into ninety minutes.

starring Christian Bale.

chandising exercise.

Odeon Leicester Sq

Virgin Fulham Rood

Odeon Marble Arch

UGC Haymarket

UGC Trocodero

3.40, 5.45,

3.10, 6.00,

4.45, 6.50,

3.30, 6.00,

2.10, 4.15,







BatHestar Galactica

The Big Match

Vote 2000

Channe l Four launch

Yet another complete

Real Madrid take on

The votes pour in,

Buffy Buffy's sex life

an evening devoted

re-run of this classic

Bayern Munich after

the Swingometer

empowers a bunch

to the US soap with

seventies sci-fi series

knocking out a cer-

kicks into action...

of demons. N o , hon-

the shooting of JR.

kicks of this week.

tain English team...

and Ken wins. Class.

estly, that's the plot.


B B C 2, 6.45pm

ITV, 7.30pm

B B C 1, 11pm

Sky One,

4, 8pm



Ant Noises

Passion Play

The Greek Passion

M o n a Hatoum

A revival of this joyous

Saatchi renews his

Peter Nichols' devas-

Martinu's retelling of

The Tate reopens with M o n a Hatoum's

mid-century comedy,

commitment to British

tating 1981 drama

Kazantzakis' little

in a staging by Royal

Art with a show of the

about love and infi-

known opera, direct-

sculptures of the

Balet founder Ninette

latest from Hurst,

delity, revived with

ed by David Pouteney,

domestic made

grace and wit.

with Jorma Silvasti.


Donmar, £14 +

Royal Opera,

Tate Britain, free

Lucas, Turk etc

de Valois. Royal Opera,


Saafchi Gallery,


£6 +

2 May 2000 « Felix


Seven Days 27




A l l


c l u b

f o r


t h i s

t e r m

s u b m i t t e d

a s

s o c i e t y

t o

s o o n

Next Week

e n t r i e s

s h o u l d

b e

f e l i x @ i c . a c . u k

a s

p o s s i b l e .


orry for my absence in the

Dutch courage, I walked into the

back end of last term, but I

Hotel, slightly dishevelled, with the

was disheartened by the lack

look of an embarrassed lame dog.

of response to the column. Having

Unfortunately my flat mate had dis-

spoken to people since though, I've

appeared with my keys (most likely

realised that the number who write

to his girlfriend's house miles away)

in are only a fraction of those who

and as a consequence I was locked

actually enjoy reading the column

out of my flat. Given that I worked in


the hotel's kitchens as a pot washer,





another challenge.

I was hoping thot the hotel would

The Challenge

their spare rooms, as my only other

put me up for the night in one of "Living over an hour's journey

alternative was to sleep rough, after

Kung Fu Club


from Imperial, I find it particularly

all the hotel is like a family. They

(Wu Shu Kwan)

More details avail-

difficult to get home after a good

then asked for my name and they

Southside G y m

able by email from

night on the tiles. I've often thought

said they'd never heard of me, so I

4:30pm - 6:30pm.

martyn.whitwcll or

of just booking into a hotel to col-

explained that I'd only been working

steven.cook (both

lapse in my drunken stupor, but with

for a few weeks as a favour to Andy


the head chef; feasible.

prices as high as they


around South Ken, I've never been

This is the point at which I could

Kung Fu Club

able to afford even the smallest sin-

have been buggered, but because

(Wu Shu Kwan)

gle. Blag yourself a room in a classy

of the time, everyone had finished in

Union G y m

hotel and make sure there's

the kitchens and the

4:30pm • 6:30pm.

preparation needed so next time i

people had long gone home lock-

go to the Union I can get myself a

ing up al! of the employer details, or



room (it's either that or pull and go

so I assume. I was then asked to


wait so they could check on their

Although I haven't fried blag-

vacant and I had my doubts for a while, in spite of my Oscar-winning

Primal Scream


Ricky Martin





Night two is proba-

Night three sees

MTV's favourite

Union, you've got to help.)"

bly the best of the

Embrace's return


database to see which rooms were

five, with Death In

from the dead con-

Spaniard hits Earl's

ging this in London yet, at the time

Vegas supporting.

tinue with top billing.

Court - we have

of the challenge I found myself in

performance. They came to nothing

Shepherd's Bush, £15

Shepherd's Bush, £15

been honoured...

Winchester, home of the renowned

though and I was handed my key to


one of their rooms, out the door

hotel/restaurants in the country. I'd

second on the right. Jackpot, it-was a double, stuffed full of booze, jelly


Du Vine, one of the

The Tigger Movie

Mission To Mars

M a n In The Moon

heard of the hotel before, having

All together now, "The

All star Disney-fied

With the O s c a r ' s now

recently read an article in the Tele-

beans and dried almonds, but I felt

graph on the standard of the food,

far too guilty to help myself and if I

wonderful thing about

effects bonanza, that

a distant memory, this

Tiggers; is Tiggers are

owes more than a lit-

acclaimed Jim Carrey


the head chef Andy

was caught, the cost of the minibar

wonderful things..."

tle to The Abyss,

vehicle now seems

something, about his work; this was

could tip the balance between a



long overdue - will it

all the ammo I needed.




Camden 3.15

be worth the wait?

laugh and a felony in the manager's

To bo a good blaggcr it is


essentials that you are a master of

The only downside to this blag

the three C ' s : Coolness, Conviction

is that unlike other blags, the blag-

Match of the Day

Dawson's Creek

The N a k e d Chef

and Confidence. When lying you

ger has to leave himself vulnerable

The pick of the Pre-

Quality wake-up TV,

Another chance to

also must ensure that the web of

for a prolonged period of time, sleeping with the evidence. Para-

miership, featuring

requiring ziich brain

play an entertaining

deceit that you are spinning can not

M a n Utd winning

power and offering

game of "spot the

be traced or checked. Although I

noid, but content with what I had

and Watford losing.

buckets of schmaltz.

fake South london

have blatantly lied to people before

achieved I woke at 7.30, leaving in

BSC ), i 0.30pm

Channe l 4,

accent" presents itself.

for the sake of a blag, this was the

the most discreet manner possible,

first time I have ever tried to con-

to stay any later would be taking the


vince someone face to face, know-

piss and would run the risk of the manager figuring

Hard Fruit




Jim Cartwright looks

Your last choncc to

Nicholas Kent's

stacked against them believing me

at the life of a fero-

catch Trevor Nunn's

working of Jean-

and that they could find out the

If you have any challenges or

cious fighter and

revival of Gorky's

Claud e Grunberg's

truth, within minutes, if they were

have any blags that you're proud of,

closet gay in the

sprawling nineteenth

eerie play comes to


that you want to see appearing in

North West.

century drama.

the Tricycle Theatre


Royal Court, £5 +


£10 I

later this month.

that there








myself with a little '

out what



this column, drop me an email at

28 Crossword

Felix » 2 May 2000

The Felix Crossword 11 73, by Turnip Henry Cryptic


Across: 2.

country. (5)

Drier around restricted

31 . Imitate, and address to the

tool. (6) 6. 7. 8.

top floor. (4-2)

Pleasing plant. (5) Instrument is back o n the


road. (5)

1 . Stressed in the past, per-

Rest disturbed after former lover makes an effort. (6)


haps. (5) 2,3. Eton held the f-word to be

Employment of universal


wise man. (5)


10. Embroidery is irritating, but has a purpose. (11) 1 7. Vital for music. (5) sea feature. (5)

Airline lie holds water. (5) tation. (5)

1 2. Competition for the num-

2 0 . In the fog nothing is wet.

ber one vessel. (11) 1 3. O n the beat, eventually.

(5) 2 1 . Start shiatsu around Ameri-

(2,4) 14. Beat on skin. (6)

ca, for food. (5)

1 5. Swallow points to bay. (6)

2 2 . Blush from lying helps interpret images. (5,6) 2 7 . Tread down to send it on

1 6. Turn metal in the back. (6) 1 8. Relish in August orgies. (5) 2 3 . Burnt prize. (5)

its way. (5) 2 8 . G o d has a plate for veg-

24. Fight for piece of paper. (5) 2 5 . Note: study is heavy. (5)

etable. (6) 2 9 . C a r carried by people. (5) clues

Nowhere to dance. (5)


1 1. Punishment for cheesy flir-

1 9. Sorrow to hear G e r m a n



30. Sounds like I count a

26. Broken lamp from the East is enough. (5)


22. Trickery. (11)


Cryptic Crossword 11 7 2 :

Q u i c k Crossword 11 7 2 :


Very cold. (6)

27. Dried fruit. (5)

1 1 Piece of pipe. (1 -4)




Weak. (5)

2 8 . Wine. (6)

12 Very important. (1 1)

Butterfingers, N o sir, Hamster,

Counterweight, Cider, Ailment,


Not horizontal. (5)

2 9 . Normal. (5)

13 M a d . (6)

Nearsides, Ratio, Drill,

Protruded, Horny, Hydra,


Body hollow. (6)

30. Ice house. (5)

14 Instrument. (6)

Laserdisc, Chianti, B imp,

Neckbands, Pink-eye, Corfu,


Throw, brief affair. (5) 1 0. Giving support. (11)

3 1 . Minister. (6)

15. Aromas. (6)

Ground-control, M a y p o l e ,

Tranquilised, Radiate, Kernels.

16 Cake. (6)



1 7. Feudal allegiance.


18 Looking at. (5)


(5) 1 9. In addition. (5)

1 . Mythical creature. (5)

23 Booth. (5)

Wafer, Synthesis, Asset Stripper,


Whipped. (1 1)

24 In the area. (5)

Embargo, Tantalisingly, Elmer,

G u l c h , Dunkerque, Happier,


Lighter. (5)

25 Clearing. (5)

Da iance, Decorum, Lingo,

Arena, Burglar, Speedos,


Vernacular. (5)

26 Irritate. (5)

Reigned, Cobbler, Bacon,


20. Skill in handiwork. (5) 21 . Sub-continent. (5)

Cutlery item. (5)

Rainbow, Sausage,

Rubicon, Breasts,

Another term, another issue of Felix, another

book (you know you want to) a n d ignore the

crossword. . . or something

hideously attired man at the front of the room

fiendishly difficult

ike that. To be honest, I find the Sun's Tea Break Quickie





Abysmal, Iceberg,

A l c o p o p , Matador,

Lurer, Icelandic, Entrepreneurs, Ghostly, Uncoordinated,

The first correct grid of answers to the cryptic clues will win their owner a copy of the


Collins English Dictionary (RRP £ 2 0 ) , whilst a

a bit taxing o n the o l d grey

(where d o they get those ties?). Instead, dig

full set of solutions to the quick crossword could earn you a £ 1 0 book token. The names

matter, so I always find Turnip Henry's offer-

out a dictionary, locate a sharp pencil (and a

ings d a m n a b l y tricky. A n d it's for the likes of

sharper mind) and set to work one of the puz-

of the lucky winners will be printed here next

me that he's once a g a i n provided a set of

zles (not both at the same time, mind - that

week, a l o n g with a full set of answers to both


he likes to describe as " q u i c k " clues


(hmmm... that just makes me feel thicker than the


print version of The Lord of the

Rings). Either that or he's got terminally bored with the prospect of revision - take your pick. As ever, both sets of clues c o m e with prizes attached for the first correct set of solutions out of the hat - just remember that, to ensure

Right, just one thing left to d o . . . The final

X r o s s w o r d C o m p e t i t i o n

crossword of last term stream

p r o d u c e d the usual

of entries, with a particularly


number of solutions for the quick crossword materialising in the Felix O f f i c e just minutes

way madness lies). In order to be in with a chance of winning,

before the competition d e a d l i n e , all looking suspiciously similar... Anyway, after weeding

that there's no cheating, the two sets of clues

you'll need to bring your completed grid to the


are for different

Felix Office (outside the Physics Department,

words are listed above), the first set of cryptic

words (yet both

using the

same grid - clever, huh), so you're effectively getting two puzzles for the price of one. W h i c h is nice. So, anyway, back to the normal spiel... put down your notes a n d the painfully boring text

all the incorrect


(the correct

next to the liquid nitrogen tank) by 8 p m on answers out of the hat b e l o n g e d to Will B l a c k m a n , whilst the winner of the quick

Wednesday evening (preferably a c c o m p a n i e d

by a full set of correct answers). O h , a n d it'd

crossword contest was A m y Hollister.

help matters a lot if you indicate clearly which

gratulations - please c o m e to the Felix Office


set of clues you've used.

to collect your prizes as s o o n as possible.

2 May 2000 « Felix

Competitions 29

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30 Clubs & Societies

Felix â&#x20AC;˘ 2 May 2000

Mountaineering GARETH M O R G A N


climbed as hard as we could without quite the same risks we would

The Imperial C o l l e g e Mountaineer-

expect at home. There was a fair

ing Club's Easter tour took us to


Spain's G o l d Coast, the Costa D a u -

almost instinctive unease that affects

of exposure though, the

rada in C a t a l o n i a , for a week and a

most people when they're

half of stunning climbing in fabu-

the ground. Hanging on by one

lous scenery.

hand while

The trip started in patriotic style, with a late-night viewing of The Ital-

you look


down two

thousand feet of valley, going all the way down to the distant sea, is an

ian Job, which took the place of


sleep before the 7 . 0 0 flight from


Stanstead to Barcelona. W e spent

tives a n d a strong motivation to

most of the holiday quoting it, espe-

keep going.

cially after white


up the blue,

a n d (unfortunately)




by muttered


Thinking of the weather, anyone who had been expecting balmy sun

Clios that would be our transport in

and the chance to really work o n

Spain ("Remember, over here they

their tan was sorely disappointed -

drive o n the wrong

we were a thousand metres above

side of the

road"). O n e of these, incidentally,

sea level and it was extremely cold

would be thrashed to within an inch

at times. The wind didn't help - it

of its life over mountain roads a n d dirt tracks, "because it's a hire car, and they expect it to be trashed." O n e car stayed in Barcelona to

certainly didn't seem to have come from

the Sahara. Still, when we

found a bit of shelter, it was a beautiful location.

pick up two latecomers, while the

We had three days of great

others drove to the mountain refuge

climbing, the highlight of which was

in the ruined village of La Mussara,

a stunning F 7 a + arete led by Simon

which was to be o u r home for the

and Mike on a crag called Lo Soter-

next ten days. The refuge provided

rani, although everyone was push-

impressive views over the mountains

ing their abilities and a lot of great

to the coastal town of Reus, with the

routes were climbed. Unfortunately,

Mediterranean stretching away over

we were now collectively tired, and

wait! Look! A playground with those

and we retreated

the horizon. Run by a Catalan c o u -

decided that a rest day in Tarrago-

wooden toys o n springs to play o n !



to a cafe. All

and Gareth, who

ple, it provided basic a c c o m m o d a -

na, the nearest city, was called for.

Nice. Unfortunately, someone had

proved themselves to be the least

tion a n d g o o d

We went medium in Reus (which, on

to fall off, a n d Nigel took o n this

sane but most hardcore of us all , climbing a reasonably hard route in


for a few

pounds a night. O u r two Spanish speakers, Martin and A l b a n , spent a long time


to M a r i a , our

young hostess. Her boyfriend, possibly called M a r i o , seemed


enough t o o ; he climbs F 8 a (read, seriously hard) and puts up a lot of new routes. Which was a shame. The climbing started in earnest

a Tuesday at least, was too dead to

solemn responsibility not once but

go large), a n d got shouted at for

twice, losing a fair bit of skin from

being noisy when we returned at


left him

was Megan's 21st birthday, which

his eyes, which

half past two. We returned via Reus,

looking like he'd been in a series of

called for a suitable celebration:

and picked up our esteemed Presi-

brutal fights. Pausing only to pick up

cocktails, tequila and general hilar-

dent, M e g a n , and some

an ice pack, we stumbled across a

ity. The precise details are lost in a


slapper by the name of Nigel, who

row of a dozen clubs, thronging

haze of alcohol and dire threats, but

had come to catch the second half

with people a n d playing a wide

a fine night was had by all.

selection of music. Shame that most

of the trip.

of them didn't like trainers. Despite

on Sunday, with a trip to the nearby

We headed out to the pictur-

TV crags, named after the masts on

esque village of Mont Ral on Thurs-

this we had a great

night, a n d

day, a n d managed a couple of


about the

the hill above them. The rock here is

ludicrously high winds. That night

a hard limestone, often covered in

routes before the heavens opened

sharp pockets o r protrusions that

and we were reduced to huddling in

make for great technical climbing.

a cafe, cursing the filthy

O n the other hand, anyone w h o

weather. Friday was much nicer, and

t o o bothered

prospect of sleeping in the cars for a few hours afterwards.


M o nd a y was our last day of climbing, and we tried to make the most of it, with some great routes that left everyone tired but reluctant to leave. After a truly fantastic meal and the last of our beer, we left the

The roads were closed for the

refuge on Tuesday a n d made our

Rally on Saturday, so we had a nice

way back to Barcelona. It had been a

insisted on wearing shorts whatever

we managed a g o o d few routes on


the weather ended up with knees

the TV crags.

that made up in route quality what

looking forward to a long summer

they lacked in height. Sunday was

of climbing back in Britain.

covered in cuts a n d grazes. This didn't

Friday night

presented some-

on some nearby crags

slow us down though, as

thing of a problem. The Catalonia


everyone set about the rock with a

Rally was being held in the area,

Prades, which


caused by a long,

cold English winter. Everything here is sports climbing - bolts drilled into the rock provide a more secure and regular form of protection than traditional




so we


to Villanova de had different



few days, leaving us

For more information

on the

mountaineering club, and our sum-

and the refuge had been booked by

and lots of nice short routes. Unfor-

mer trips, contact M e g a n at the

around sixty locals for a pre-race


address below.

our trusty Rockfax let us

party, leaving us with no option but

down and we spent so long trying to

to g o clubbing in Tarragona. After a

find the crag that we only managed

Contact: Megan

pizza, a few beers, and several jugs

a couple of routes before the cloud

of sangria, we were ready to go. But

came down, the wind picked up,

2 May 2000 ÂŤ Felix

Clubs & Societies 31

Sinfonietta IC Sinfonietta's



concert of the year took place at the end of last term, with all those involved hoping to build o n the undoubted success of their first performance, which took

place last

autumn. For their first piece, the Sinfonietta selected Tchaikovsky's Violin Concerto. They were joined by Elizabeth Cooney, a Foundation Scholar at the Royal School of Music. She performed




bringing out the lyrical solo sections of the first movement. During these moments the audience listened in awed rapture, scarcely daring to breathe lest they missed a nuance. The orchestra shone too, performing with clarity and purpose, especially in the later movements. The final



ple tunes, one on piano and violin,

Congratulations are due to conduc-

vivaa'ssimo, was a rapid sequence

the other on flute and harpsichord.

tor Daniel Capps who held together

of folk-dances, in which the main

Later apparent chaos ensued as the

the disparate rhythms admirably.

theme was supported by bagpipe-

theme is repeated by the strings a

Finally, after some shuffling and

style droning and an evocation of

beat apart, accompanied by the

rearrangement, we were treated to


the gypsy string bands which were

flutes in a different key. It is fair to



many free lunchtime concerts were


in Tchaikovsky's Russia.



piece. IC Sinfonietta has been running for three and a half years, and until this year it was kept under the wing the Symphony Orchestra. Its

say that this sounded odd. In fact

Dances. This composer has worked

well attended, but as the orchestra

This was as fine a musical perform-


on films including Wildcat's

grew bigger and better it needed to

ance as this reviewer has ever wit-

openly. A lengthy section followed in

Trinians and The Bridge on the River

nessed from IC Sinfonietta.

which the strings introduced a rela-

Kwai. His Scottish Dances include a


tively sane waltz like theme, only to

Strathspey, a reel, a particularly

Sinfonietta or forthcoming concerts,

prepared to d o battle with (K)ein

have in thrown back in their faces by

enjoyable Hebridian folk tune and a

contact Chris at the address below.


the brass and winds as a thunder-

Highland Fling. The orchestra clear-

After the interval, the orchestra (Not) A Mid-

of the audience


of St.

perform to a wider audience. For information

on joining the

The piece

ous " o o m - p a h " march. This piece

ly relished the familiar timbres and

Contact: Chris

began simply enough with some

worked well both as a musical per-

musical language of Scottish music,


toing-and-froing between two sim-

formance and as a comic episode.

and gave a fun interpretation of the

summer Night's


RockSoc EL G O R D O

Bar. The result was best characterised

frenzy of unconstrained energy never

oh look, I'll whip it out and show

at the end of the night by brain

before seen in IC and with their per-

you" band debate. The music was

Okay, to those of you who didn't

stunned people asking for more (and

formance the first mosh pit of the

pretty cool too...

attend "The sICk night In", would you

offering to bear our children, nice).

evening quickly got underway, with a

Headlining the night were Zeta

stage froth flailing of limbs and hair.

Reticuli. With a fantastic entrance,

be so kind as to form an orderly line

The night kicked off a little after

by that wall over there, yes, the one

the advertised 6pm, due to unfore-

RedHed were next on. With already

the devil-winged front man Gary

pitted with lead, clotted hair and

seen technical difficulties concerning

one Kerrang! feature under the belt,


mucus. Lovely.

custard and rice crispies, with a

we knew we were in for a treat. With

heartfelt tracks and a refreshing fast moving sound.

the audience with


selection of DJs from ICUs very own

an awesome stage presence, they

don's biggest student rock and metal

RockSoc, in its first year as an official

had the audience eating out of their

Remember kids, you don't have

night in the Union, attracting students

society. RCM-based band Element

hands with their guitary Stuck M o j o

to worship Satan to join RockSoc, but


Saturday 1 8th March saw Lon-

as far out. as Surrey a n d

were first to play at 7pm, regaling us

sound, singing along in no time.

it does help and he is your friend.

Uxbridge, in addition to all the major

with excellent renditions of a selec-


The date for "The bigger, longer and

London universities. Having almost

tion of classic songs.

been cancelled twice

a n d been

The second band were exciting



1 1 :30pm, were




Evil Kneval. This

moved from DBs to the Concert Hall,

upcomers in the London hard-core

band is already very known for play-

"The sICk night In" was put together

scene, RD.H.M. (no, we haven't got a

ing support for major bands around

in a mere two and a half weeks of

clue as to what it stands for either).


hard work by a crack team from the

The rapping

brothers, Stuart and

preparation can prepare a person for

IC RockSoc, DramSoc and the Union

Alistair, burst onto the stage in a wild

the "my one is bigger than your one,

U K . However no amount of

uncut sICk night In" has already set for Freshers Week 2 0 0 0 - put a note in your diary and be there O R ELSE... Contact: James Email:

32 Sport

Felix ÂŤ 2 May 2000

T h e y c a m e , they saw, they streaked t h r o u g h


Cross Country - Paris Relays 2000 Its that time of year a g a i n when the cross country team d e c i d e to

throw us out of the club lounge. Anyhow, after we arrived o n

his first outing for Imperial. The

the other teams disqualified Not-


tingham a n d Imperial were o n c e




blow the budget in Paris. There

Friday we went o n the usual sight

immediately, however, with some


were only two objectives of the trip

seeing tour of Paris, which ended

serious beer fights. The team then

Naked 4-by-400.

this year. The first was to get drunk

with a club meal at which Sarah

moved onto the more serious rea-

for three days a n d the second was

c o m p l a i n e d loudly (you may have

sons for c o m i n g to Paris.

to win the naked 4 - b y - 4 0 0 relay.

spotted a pattern).

All the London colleges c o n gregated

at U L U o n Thursday

saying he did not like the m o a n i n g

ing leg came in first a n d handed

feminist, he vanished to her r o o m .

Paris. As always, the journey was a rowdy o n e , with Kings Beer F a g

Chicago). Imperial


onto Andy H, who ran a great leg

He claims she asked him for sex

and was only beaten home by the

and that he said n o , but the g e n -

son we are meant to go) was held



in the afternoon,

5 0 m down the track a n d cut all

name (Mister Floppy) might have


had something to d o with it...



up at the last

to b o r r o w



a group




w h o started

off (you c h e a t i n g

females from UAE (with them bor-

b*stards). G a v took over but was

led o n e of the


unable to haul in the Nottingham

girls (Sarah, a feminist



rendition of

Yank) w h o had only been d r a g g e d

time at the party. After repeatedly

the team increase, as three extra minute. The Paris Relay (the rea-

a l l the

continued, and

Frank B o u c h e r h a d a hell of a

At 2 . 3 0 a m the naked 4 - b y -




of the

4 0 0 started. Andy G ran a storm-

night for a couple of social drinks

(including a 5 5 m i n



Saturday saw the strength of

before the c o a c h journey out to





o u r m e n in


The race itself was uneventful

and handed




consensus is that



A fantastic weekend was h a d by a l l , a n d we arrived back at U L U late o n Sunday evening - what a

w h o c l o s e d the

way to finish the season off. O n to

in at the last minute, to c o m p l a i n

- we hadn't c o m e here to win a n d

g a p but was unable to complete

the athletics season now - a n d all

continuously to the whole of the

we didn't, with the first team fin-


that remains is to see if M i k e c a n

team. O h well... The ferry journey

ishing eleventh. Shaun should get


was enlivened by Andy G swiping

a mention, however, for running

only by the judge who came from


a hostess's hat when she c a m e to

the eight fastest time of the day in

- you guessed it - Nottingham. A l l

m o a n i n g A m e r i c a n feminists to...?




as the winners, but

keep his progression g o i n g : thiry ea r




U n i t e d m a k e it s i x f r o m e i g h t - b u t is t h a t e n o u g h ? Premiership League Review Manchester United have taken the

the leaders largely thanks to an

Premiership title for the sixth time in

inability to put the ball in the back

the league's eight year history - yet

of the net). S o , with the prospect of

after only reaching the last eight of

Liverpool mounting a serious chal-

the Champions League a n d per-

lenge next year (assuming that they

forming miserably in the World C l u b

can hold onto all of their players

Championship, is that enough?

and keep them injury free), a n d ,

With the title wrapped up so

more importantly, with the C h a m p i -

early this season, Alex Ferguson

ons League kicking off again in five

surely only views the Premiership as


a way back into Europe next season

improvements to the starting eleven



a few

- after all, it's only through contin-

is clearly essential. However, with

ued success on the European stage

Martin Edwards insisting that some-

that United will be able to conclu-

bly wealthy yet quickly

sively prove themselves to be one of



since Christmas (it was just one

one's going to have to leave in

point until they ran out of steam

order to balance the books, a nice

against Everton on G o o d Friday),

big argument between the Chair-

the greatest teams of all time. Until

Hence, you have to assume,

then, no matter what an endless

the decision to spend ÂŁ 1 8 . 5 million

and the one thing that the M e r - man and his short-of-fuse M a n a g e r

succession of B B C and Sky Sports

on Ruud Van Nistelrooy. That a n d

sysiders definitely aren't short of is

may well be o n the horizon - and


proclaim them to

the fact that Liverpool have picked

strike force

that certainly won't be g o o d for the

be, they will still remain an impossi-

up just three points less than United

Arsenal, who have fallen away from


Chelsea and

share price...