Page 1

T h e


N e w s p a p e r o f Imperial

C o l l e g e 7 F ebruar y 2 0 0 0 : Issue 1166

Johnny Ball: revealing all

Toy Story 2 receives the full five star

for the Pimlico Connection

treatment in

Page 37

Page 27


U n i o n set f o r s a b b a t i c a l s h o w d o w n of


the U n i o n , this



unlikely. Whatever happens, howBowing to grassroots pressure from


Medical School students, proposals

(Finance & Services), Ian Clifford,




are currently being drawn up in a n

insists that external funding must be

attempt to force the C o l l e g e to


accept that the M e d i c a l School

"We're not going to pay".




Presidency should remain a sabbat-

Although the plan is fully sup-

ical position. However, the need for

ported by I C U , there is still a long

support from the highest levels of

way to g o before any suggestion

College, coupled with the need to

can become a reality, a n d it may

ÂŁ 1 4 0 0 0 of

prove a struggle to force a decision

funding, means that the battle to

through the C o l l e g e in time for the

secure the position will be a c o m -

usual round of elections. The key


an additional

issue seems to be one of support

plex and longwinded one.


Although the sabbatical position of I C S M Union President was due to be relinquished at the end of

senior staff

in the Medical

School - if they throw their weight Photo: Jonas

ICSM do the meeting t h a n g

behind the proposals, it is thought

this academic year (to be replaced


by a n o n - s a b b a t i c a l






around one campus, coordinating

the issue of who is going to pay the

favourably o n the proposal, a n d

combination of student support and

student activity was a much simpler

sabbatical salary - approximately

consequently the Union is seeking

London-wide changes have led cur-



ÂŁ13 5 0 0 to ÂŁ 1 4 0 0 0 once taxes

the help of I C S M Principle Chris

rent incumbent Becky England to

are spread across four main teach-

have been included - is one that is


draw up a set of proposals asking

ing sites, and according to a draft


in the

O n e of the biggest factors sup-

the C o l l e g e to accept the retention

copy of Becky England's proposal

minds of many of those debating

porting the proposal is a compari-


N o w , medical

to be prominent

of the sabbatical status. Despite the

(which is due to be presented to

the issue. Currently, the Union are

son with the other medical schools

fact that the role is a Union posi-

College Council later this week), "A

only being funded for five sabbati-

across London. O f the four large

tion, C o l l e g e support is essential,

central figure is needed to collate

cals, and thus the sixth salary (gen-

groups created in the 1997 round

as without it any student taking a

opinion and then express this at the

erated by the addition of the Edu-

of mergers, all four currently have

year out would not be guaranteed

relevant committees... only a sab-

cation & Welfare position) must be


a place the following year.

batical can hope to fulfil this role".

found by making cut-backs in other

designated to deal with medical



areas. ICU insists that this situation

issues. M or e importantly,

cannot continue, a n d Becky Eng-

only ICU plans to remove the posi-


land has expressed a hope that the

tion at the end of the year, which


Medical School itself may be able

clearly suggests that, right across

had a

insists that " W e need to get permis-

to provide funding - but with I C S M

London, the process of integration

sabbatical - however, as the old

sion to have the sabbatical first,

finances currently believed to be in

is taking far longer than anyone ini-

(smaller) schools were all based

and then think about details later",

the same precarious state as those

tially expected.

The real sticking point in the

Before the series of mergers which created the School of M e d i -

plans, however, is likely to be the

cine in 1 9 9 7 , only one of the major


components, the C h a r i n g


and Westminster



of financing.

President N a t a s h a


Want to send a message to someone special? Then get your Valentine's messages to us at before Tuesday evening, and you'll see them in print next Monday.



g Felix

Felix * 7 February 2000


Iss examines

the C o l l e g e ' s


strategy a n d

asks: D o they have one?


issue of violence in film and on TV.





rial C o l l e g e , earned a c o m p a r a -


tively meagre £ 1 0 7 0 0 0 , slightly





0 0 0 in the last


pay. M a n y

Q u e l c h , received larger pay rises.



The London Business School employs two other

members of


the national

average of

£ 1 0 4 0 0 0 . He only took a small pay rise, however, a n d this figure does not take into account his res-

a c a d e m i c year. This is more than

a c a d e m i c staff who are paid more


double the national average, a n d

than £ 2 0 0 0 0 0 per year, but Pro-

Imperial does have 6 7 members of staff earning above £ 1 0 0 0 0 0

over £ 1 0 0 0 0 0 more than the

fessor Q u e l c h justified their pay as

s e c o n d - p l a c e d vice-chancellor, Sir

being "In line with the S c h o o l ' s




of Edinburgh

a s the best


at 1 7 0 Q u e e n ' s


per a n n u m however - more than any other institution.

Sir Richard

University, according to a league

school in E u r o p e " , according to


the Financial Times. Fees for the a n d tipped to b e c o m e the next Rector, earned £ 3 . 6 million last Master of Business Administration


in last


Times Higher Education Supple-

matic human right?

ment. Vice-chancellors pay rises last



of G l a x o W e l l c o m e

(MBA) course at the School are

year, and is set to d o " Q u i t e well"

£ 1 5 5 4 0 per year for a two year

from share options after G l a x o ' s

College's M a n -

merger with SmithKline Beecham.

higher than the 3 . 5 % awarded to

agement School came second in

He is currently earning the equiva-

a c a d e m i c staff. Lecturers

the table.

year averaged 4 . 9 % , considerably

How to make a million (or ten)


Business S c h o o l , is Britain's high-

Should trial by jury be a n auto-



John Q u e l c h , Dean of the London

salary of £ 2 5 2 Bccket tackles the thorny





d e a n tops the salary


course. Imperial

criticised the increases in the light

lent of Lord O x b u r g h ' s salary every

Lord O x b u r g h , Rector of Impe-

eleven days.

from the internet b o o m .



Linux; Fad of the moment or the future of computing?

markets the

across South-East




is that the

famously right-wing Eurosceptic M r If your M o n d a y morning



President: Cengiz

Atasoy, Will

Andrew Brown, Hamish C o m m o n ,

are unusually c o l d , it could be due

hands. Talking to the B B C , he said

Toby Dore, Anthony Mayhew, Dave

to the C o l l e g e ' s heating


he would battle for a "lower bur-

Edwards and Richard Taylor.

off last week. The

den of tax" a n d "less interference

Deputy President (Finance and Services)

City & Guilds introduce us to their

being turned

myriad range of societies, whilst

steam supply was turned off last


Tasha opens up her diary.

Friday, and should have been back


on (courtesy of the new C o m b i n e d

attack on the Labour Party's sup-

Deputy President

Heating and Power Plant) o n Sun-

port for the "spectacularly

(Clubs and Societies)

day night.

performing" Euro, warning of the

F e e d b a c k A packed letters page this week, including a n odd press release...


a job o n his



tions. They were:


business" a n d proceeded to launch


scathing badly

Etienne Pollard.

Sam Sharpe.

" e c o n o m i c difficulties" inherent in

Deputy President

maintaining one exchange rate for

(Education and Welfare)

the whole of Europe.

Stef Evans, Jonny Hall a n d Khilan Shah.

A surprise reshuffle in the shadow 'Si

cabinet Michael

saw ex-treasury Portillo


Felix Editor



into the

Rosie Beckett and John Clifford N e w Election ( R e - O p e n N o m i n a -

The release of Toy Story 2 means

position of Shadow C h a n c e l l o r of

there's only one possible option

the Exchequer. M r Portillo, newly

New research has indicated that


for pick of the week. Enjoy.

elected M P for Kensington a n d

babies who are exposed to c i g a -


Chelse a


(Tuesday 15), St M a r y ' s (Wednes-

(following the death of

Alan Clark)





into eighty square inches of copy.

returns to the front







of Sudden


bench to directly challenge G o r -


don Brown; this follows his embar-

death). The study found that for

rassing defeat in the 1 9 9 7 general

every hour a baby spends in a

elections at the hands of Labour

smoke-filled r o o m , the risk of cot

M P Stephen Twigg.

death doubles. Six out of ten cases

M r Portillo, 4 6 , replaces Fran€ r o s s w o i f | |

tions) is also standing for all posts.

cis M a u d e , who has moved into





(SIDS, or cot

be prevented,

according to the authors.

the role of Shadow Foreign SecreAnother chance to win, win, win!

cised for what was perceived as his inability rt


S o c i e t i e s

Double cup success for ladies football, plus a host of other results.


to c h a l l e n g e

today, a n d in dB's

day 1 6) a n d C h a r i n g Cross (Thursday 17).

H O T T E R T H A N HELL American scientists have isolated a compound, conate,

tary. M r M a u d e was openly criti-


are next week,




is o n e hundred

times hotter than the hottest chilli.



o n key issues. With the W h e n Felix went to press last economy in g o o d shape a n d no Wednesday night, no fewer than sign of the slump a n d recession fifteen candidates h a d put their predicted following the collapse of names down for sabbatical posi-


at concentrations of

one part in ten million, the burning sensation caused by tasting it can last up to half an hour. It is intended to be used to stop mice gnawing through electric cables.


7 February 2000 • Felix

Racist graffiti in hall discovery that the blue sign saying


Fees battle JIM G E A C H


continues M r Butcher explained that if someone decided that they did not

"Linstead Hall" outside the hall had

want to pay fees, be it for political

A number of residents in Linstead

been defaced with a message simi-

There has been a series of cases of


lar in tone, written using white cor-


against the

beliefs or anything else, then the

shocked to discover racist graffiti


tuition fee system. About 15 stu-

Union would support students but

and comments

white supremacist group





a hall

fluid. Stickers

advocating Combat

dents from Oxford University have

"not lead them blindly". The Union

been expelled for refusing to pay

would make it clear to the student

blackboard a n d , name tags o n

18 were found

room doors last month.

dence, causing considerable con-

their fees, and more recently, sev-

in question what the outcome of

cern amongst residents.

eral members of the School of

his or her decision might be, a n d

The acts were first discovered on

around the resi-


At the time of going to press, the

Saturday, January 15. A student vis-

incidents had not recurred and no

iting the room of an Asian friend


a n d African

in most cases this would be expul-


(SOAS) - one of the UK's top ten

sion. At the moment it seems that

found that their name tag had been

culprit had been found. Warden Dr

universities - have also decided

if a student is financially sound as



Jon Marangos was unable to com-

that the cost of education is t o o

to be able to pay their fees, then

revealed that the tags of about

ment on the issue other than to con-

much, a n d said they will not pay the C o l l e g e will not allow






twenty other Asian residents - in par-

demn racism and any racist act in

ticular, those whose name tags sug-

general, but the opinions of individ-


gested they were obviously Asian -

ual Asian residents ranged from "it

last month, causing the School to

the a c a d e m i c potential to pass the

had been similarly defaced, a n d


have just been a tasteless

close for a day. University C o l l e g e

year, and come out with a degree

that an offensive message targetting

prank" to "whoever did it deserves a

London Union considered support-

at the end of the course but is

Asians had been written on the

good beating-up from our posse."

ing the occupation, but the pro-

unable to pay the fee for some

blackboard o n Level 1, the hall's

The apparent absence of any overt

posal was vetoed at an emergency

financial crisis, then the C o l l e g e

Lower Gallery.

threats or abuse directly

general meeting.

would acknowledge this fact a n d



back the next year if that sum is not






However, if a student has

The defaced tags were collected

particular residents thus far, and the

together and the matter reported to

fact that there have not been any

For students at IC who c a n act accordingly. For example, the 8 per cent interest rate for late fees afford their tuition fees, but refuse

the subwardens immediately. The

further messages of this kind mean

to pay them, the College's policy is

blackboard was scrubbed clean, but

that not a great deal can be done

to not allow them to move on to

situations the C o l l e g e might pay

apart from monitoring the situation.

the next year. Kevin Butcher, Deputy

for the student itself. M r Butcher

the offending messages reappeared

would be knocked off, or in dire

President (Education and Welfare)

warned "students must approach

explained that by Christmas last

the C o l l e g e as soon as the prob-

responsible must have been "really


lem appears" and the student must

low to stoop to that level", and

forty students still hadn't paid that

be able to prove their financial sit-

picions that a resident must have


fee instalment, but by the end of


been responsible.

should be "severely puniished and


h a d been

While the issue of tuition fees

If it was an inside act committed

kicked out of College" for their activ-

reduced to just two or three. These

is currently a major area of con-

by a resident, the consequences

ities. ICU President Tasha Newton,

students did not have the a c a d e m -

cern for students, and recent polit-

would be fairly serious for the stu-

herself a resident in Linstead Hall,

ic ability to pass that year, and so

ical changes have taken the first

dent (or students) concerned - with

said that if it turned out that those

could not graduate to the next year

step to a m e n d the situation, there is little choice but to pay if a q u a l -

Lina Nawas, a reapp in Linstead

later on that evening - discovered by two students returning from Basics


Pizzeria, after being away for fifteen minutes. This had led to strong sus-









year, the figure

almost certain expulsion

not just

involved were actually

racist stu-

anyway. Some colleges are not so



dents, it would be "very sad" given

strict though. O n e student at G o l d -

ification is desired in the end. Yet if

itself. At the moment, the matter has

the "more interesting backgrounds"

smiths C o l l e g e who refused to pay

there are genuine problems with

been reported to the police a n d

that many students here at Imperial

his fees was allowed back the fol-

the payment of fees then the C o l -

security are apparently keeping a

hail from. Many students Felix has

lowing year, running up an increas-

lege has the ability to help out stu-

ing debt, which will have to be paid

dents. In contrast, if the problem is

Linstead but from

close watch o n the situation, but no spoken to have expressed incredulity and open horror, disgust and shame further acts of similar vandalism

off before he receives his diploma

simply a political opinion, then stu-

that such a tasteless act could be

- if he does not pay, he will not offi-

dents may have to sacrifice their

committed by students at Imperial.

cially graduate.

degrees for their principles.

have been noted. The next day saw the late-night

a s


c o n s u m e r h e l p

f r o m

a n d k n o w t h e O f f i c e

h o w t o c o m p l a i n o f F a i r

Don't g e t shafted. Visit u sa t

w i t h

T r a d i n g .

Felix « 7 February 2000

[ Big Issue


will allow much higher rates to be charged for

buildings. After this period, the rapid expansion came to

conference guests. Moreover, the College plan-

When Beit Hall is finally completed, this summer

an end, and (mergers aside) the College has only

ners insist that all students will be demanding en

(hopefully no more than three or four weeks

gained a few bed spaces in the last twenty-five

suite facilities, and thus the majority of rooms in

behind schedule) it will be the end of the first

years. The only hall to have been added is Mont-

all new halls must have individual showers and

stage in the College's planned redevelopment of

pelier, just off Knightsbridge, which was acquired

toilets - hence the large number of en suite rooms

its hall stock. O v e r the next few years, the rolling

as a postgraduate residence back in 1 9 8 1 . Hav-

that are being included in the new Beit.

programme will see the refurbishment of South-

ing endured a series of health scares, the build-

side, Weeks and the entirety of Evelyn G a r d e n s ,

ing only just survived threatened closure a few

the programme will


the sale of Montpelier, G a r d e n ,

years ago , when a small-scale refurbishment took

Weeks is due for £ 1 . 1 million facelift the year

The need to refurbish, however, means that not end with Southside.

Brabazon a n d O l a v e House, with the ultimate

place. Although it has been slated for sale for the

after next, whilst Evelyn Gardens is undergoing a

aim of producing a set of halls which can be both

last few years, the overflow spaces it provides (to

£12.5 million rolling refit, which should overhaul

profitable for conferences and suitable for the

replace those lost by the rolling


most of the older buildings into properties suit-

students of the next twenty years.

programme) are now essential, and consequent-

able for modern living (and modern conference

ly the sale has now been pushed back to July

guests). Meanwhile, due to the College's policy


that all non-academic areas (sports, residences, catering etc) must break-even, the IC accommo-

[ history ]

dation will be forced to sell-off a series of the The main problem with the College's halls (aside

[ solutions ]

from the innate problems of the cost of land in

more remote halls, in order to cover the massive cost of rebuilding. As a result, the College's

SW7 and the difficulty of getting planning per-

As previously stated, the College's problem is

investment programme schedules both Garden

mission to d o anything new) is that they're all

one of design: all of the Princes Gardens build-

and Brabazon Hall for sale in summer 2 0 0 1 , with

coming to the end of their lifetimes at a very sim-

ings were constructed to have a lifetime of some-

Montpelier and O l a v e House to follow twelve

ilar time.

thing in the region of thirty years (in common with

months later.

Ignoring Beit for the moment, the first of the

most large concrete buildings of that time) and

As the graph below shows, this will cause an

College's existing stock of halls to open was

consequently they're all heading towards the end

ever increasing room shortage, which could seri-

Weeks, which came into being in O c t o b e r 1959.

their usable lives. The Southside renovation, in

ously threaten Imperial's much prized guarantee

Designed as the first stage in a comprehensive

particular, has been forced upon the College

of accommodation for every first year. The current

building programme which would see similar

more as a solution to the fact that the building's

solution to the problem involves discussions with

halls surrounding Princes G a r d e n s , it only came

falling apart - and although knocking the whole

local housing associations which are designed to

into being through a £ 1 5 0 0 0 0 donation from

thing down and starting again might seem like a

locate suitable flats a n d properties in which to

Vickers (designed to provide affordable a c c o m -

preferable solution, it's one that's sadly unavail-

house next year's freshers and those deemed by

modation for students with engineering scholar-

able, as the building is G r a d e II listed (as a clas-

the College to be deserving of a bed (for exam-

ships). This small start was followed four years

sic example of its kind). Consequently, the C o l -

ple, final year medics who enrolled at St Mary's

later by Southside, with the first residents moving

lege is investing £1 4.5 million to fully refit South-

are currently entitled to a place in hall, as are

in on M a y 1 1th 1 9 6 3 (a mere few months behind side, complete with en-suite bathrooms and schedule), and then Linstead, which was officially greatly increased cooking facilities. Although

Erasmus students). In the long term, the College's only solution to the problem appears to be their

opened in July 1968. The latter cost £ 3 0 0 0 0 0

these changes will result in rent increases (of

hope that the number of first years choosing to

to construct, a large portion of which was donat-

around £ 5 a week, or £ 1 6 5 a year), they're an

take a place in hall will fall as a result of the

ed by an anonymous benefactor, who insisted

essential part of Imperial's business plan, as they

imposition of fees.

that the hall should offer its residents catering hence the fact that Linstead still provides one meal per day. In the same period, Imperial also started to buy up the houses around Evelyn G a r d e n s , with the first set (numbers 54-56) purchased at the beginning of 1 9 6 7 . The "Student Houses" were designed to be different to halls, in that they would be student run (usually by senior members of the Union) and financially separate from other College accommodation. The buildings


broken down into a series of small flat units, which were supposed to house members of all years, with a heavy emphasis placed o n postgraduates (in order to ensure that the buildings were occupied for as much of the year as possible, and thus keep rents down), at a rate slightly higher than that in the Princes Gardens halls. O v e r the next few years, the remaining parts of IC's current holdings around the Gardens was leased, but as pressure on bed spaces rose, their administration moved into line with the other

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Felix • 7 February 2000






As I watched the Tyson v Francis fight last week-

need to show it o n screen, yet today it seems

Indeed, so oppressive is the " m o r a l

e n d , the thought suddenly c a m e over m e : Why

impossible to suggest any semblance of vio-

regime that an N C - 1 7 rating (the equivalent of


a m I doing this - as far as I'm c o n c e r n e d , I

lence without a detailed set of close-ups. Part

an 18 in the UK) is deemed to be the kiss of

don't even like b o x i n g . . . Yet I was sitting in front

of the reason for this is the increase in budget

death o n any movie - mulitplex cinemas won't

of the TV, watching two grown men (of w h o m at

and effects technology -

least o n e ought to know better)


fifties, it wasn't actually possible to recreate a

ers, a n d major

the hell out of one another, all in the name of

massive car-crash or decapitation by a giant

them. As a result, the major studios will jump tall buildings in a single b o u n d in order to

in the forties a n d

show them, network TV won't screen their trailnewspapers won't


sport. Surely that's not right? With o u r late

insect, yet today it c a n be done at the drop of

twentieth century idealism solidly entrenched in

a hat (albeit a hat containing about ten million

ensure that their movies make the grade a n d

each a n d every o n e of us, we've all been

dollars). Nonetheless, there has to be a reason

fall into the ' R ' category (which means that any-

brought up to believe that fighting is wrong a n d

why o u r moral standards have now altered to

isn't something that any of us should enjoy -

one can watch, provided they're a c c o m p a n i e d by s o m e o n e over eighteen). H e n c e , the net

and yet the chance to watch two people beat

result of all those attempts to sanitise US media

each other up is a multi-million pound event,

has in fact been to o p e n up movies like Saving

watched by 21 0 0 0 people in the arena a n d


tens of thousands more o n pay-per-view. S o

Troopers to a family a u d i e n c e . H m m m . . .

have we really evolved beyond the need to




a n d Starship

But, as I've suddenly realised, we've drifted

revel in violence, o r are we just repressing o u r

from the point here - we've moved into the

true desires?

same realm as the censors, where extreme violence is treated h a n d - i n - h a n d with sex, nudity


and bad l a n g u a g e . W h i c h is surely wrong. The


increased sexual content of modern movies is nothing to worry about o r b e m o a n - it's simply

The first point to realise is that, whilst it was

a sign of increasingly liberal attitudes amongst

boxing that first put the idea into my h e a d , this

the p o p u l a c e . Similarly, the reason you'll find

ever-increasing level of violence is something

so much heavy swearing in your average main-

that's all aroun d us, enjoyed by the masses, not

stream movie is the simple fact that life's like

just a warped minority. As we keep being told

that - if your star says " o h d a r n " when he finds

by the conservative press a n d major religious

his girlfriend shagging his best mate, you're not

groups, violence in film a n d television is steadily increasing - not necessarily a bad thing (the interpretation

which they

throw onto their findings)

really going to describe that as decent characsuch a n extent that, whilst sex, violence a n d

terisation, now are you?

always attempt to

bad language was once disallowed, the British

but a fact of life

O f course, sex sells t o o - put a suggestive

Board of Film Classification guidelines now

picture of Sarah Michelle G e l l a r on the poster

nonetheless. In the fifties, B B C regulations stated that a man and w o m a n were not permitted to be in bed together unless at least one of the

state that a movie shall be suitable for a P G for your latest teen-flick and you've got a hit o n classification where " b a d language may be your hands. Include a couple of shots which used o c c a s i o n a l l y " ; "there may be occasiona l imply that she gets her kit off in the trailer, and

characters h a d both their feet o n the floor. In nudity"; "there may be some mild sexual innuyou'll start breaking box office records. Howevthe seventies, U S network television was s o e n d o " ; a n d "exciting horror scenes may be er, this is only the modern manifestation of insanely cautious that regulators insisted that allowed". something that's been going o n since the dawn Happy Days star Henry Winkler could only wear Part of the issue is a major divide of o p i n of H o l l y w o o d . Suggestive shots of Marilyn a leather jacket when sitting o n a motorbike (as ions a l o n g national lines. In much of the rest of M o n r o e , Lauren Bacall a n d Rita Hayworth all a result of which, the show's writers simply Europe, issues of sex and bad language are of helped to sell their fair share of c i n e m a tickets a d d e d the bike into every shot, whether indoors very minor concern, whilst violence is considin their day - the only difference was that the or out). Today, although U S television is still ered far more carefully. O n the other hand, the standards of the day placed limitations o n how tightly controlled by cautious advertising execuentire issue of censorship is treated much more far the star could g o . In the fifties, if your star tives, British TV is extremely relaxed, with all cautiously in the U S , where religious groups had wound up in a threesome half-way through manner of sex, violence and swearing permit(particularly the C a t h o l i c C h u r c h a n d the the movie, it would have said something very ted after the nine o'clock watershed (and, with National Christian Coalition) have enormous questionable about her sense of morality. N o w increasing frequency, beforehand). sway over both Hollywood and the four major it can only help to increase her status and desirA similar pattern emerges if we look toward



Consequently, you'll

be hard

ability (as anyone who's seen Denise Richards

the movies. In the post-war years, filmmakers

pressed to find much evidence of violence or

in Wild Things will undoubtedly attest). S o , is

had the ability to convey a sense of cruelty a n d

bad language o n main stream U S television

this a sign of ever-falling standards, o r the

violent behaviour without actually having the

(the o c c a s i o n a l episode of N Y P D Blue aside).

acceptance of a more relaxed attitude to life?

7 February 2000 • Felix





For my money, it's undoubtedly the latter - and

alyst to promote the creation of a new, idyllic

some of us, that might mean we're living in a

as such it's something to be a p p l a u d e d , not

vision of the future. A classic example came in

Dawson's Creek d r e a m l a n d , for others it means



a planet where combat only exists as a form of


- A N D



of the First W o r l d

W a r : so

shocked and traumatised were the leaders of

entertainment (you'd be scared by the ratings

all the nations involved, they vowed never to g o

that the W W F gets in both Britain and the US) or sport (anyone ever watched Ultimte Fight-

to war a g a i n . difference, however, is that we have

ing?). That's not to say that on-screen violence

no experience of that kind of traumatic

encourages us to m a i m and kill our neighbours

The Screen violence, however, is a completely dif-


ferent matter. To use the same argument would

exposure to the horrific side of organised vio-

(although I'm still not sure that the sight of

be to say that we've b e c o m e readier to accept

lence. As far as we're c o n c e r n e d , life is what we

M a c a u l a y C u l k i n happily blasting flamethrow-

violence as an integral part of society. Yet this is

see at the movies and on the TV, and whilst, for

ers at his enemies - w h o then suffer nothing singed eyebrows - is a positive

surely contrary to the essence of o u r beliefs

more than

about the development of civilisation. Surely

image for kids); rather it suggests that violence

the idea is that we've d e v e l o p e d past the need

has b e c o m e less of a last resort. C r i m e related

for brutality and pain when it comes to d e c i d -

murder and assault continues to climb; bullying

ing who's best? Then, pray tell, why did millions

is on the increase; our government feels happy

of people aroun d the world pay through the

to level downtown B a g h d a d at the first sign of

nose to see a convicted rapist beat the hell out

truculence. All three are related by the fact that,

of some British guy they'd

because we've never personally been forced to

never heard of

experience death up close a n d personal, we

before last week? This is where the two strings draw together.

stoop to the unpleasant solution far more read-

Ignore other issues (brief nudity a n d a little

ily. Sure we see death everyday on the news, in


every episode of Casualty




anyway) a n d

or ER, a n d in every

realise that we're living in a society that is not

new summer blockbuster - but it's a sanitised

only increasingly violent, but which revels in

vision of death, filtered and censored so that it

that fact. The reasons for this change are c o m -

doesn't offend our middle-class sensibilities. It

plex. Unlike generations before us, we don't

doesn't scare o r horrify us. It should.

live in the shadow of war - sure, wars still break

By Sam Becket

out all over the planet, but the likelihood of someone invading Britain o r any armed conflict escalating to the scale where the government


would have to reintroduce conscription is now


practically zilch. M e a n w h i l e , o u r access to the imagery of war a n d suffering has grown to an unprecedented level. Turn o n the news or open


your newspaper o n any day of the week, a n d


you're guaranteed to find images of emaciated


victims and bloodthirsty guerrilla forces staring back at you. Simultaneously, you'll hear ream

£ 1

after ream of figures splurted o u t from watchdogs,

government s

a n d research


telling you that the deathtoll from this conflict was x t h o u s a n d , o r the figures for violent crime have gone up by y percent. (Disturbingly, government press releases d e a l i n g with crime statistics usually state that c a r crime a n d burglary are decreasing, whilst violent crime a n d sexual assault are o n the increase).

GET T H E FACTS @ S o u t h s i d e L o n d o n

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o u r responses a n d lead

us to

assume that violence is inescapable? Surely not - after a l l , time a n d a g a i n history has seen the most protracted a n d bloody wars used as a cat-


• Find out about the best fares d o w n under • W i n ! ! Q a n t a s f l i g h t s & a d v e n t u r e t o u r s i n O Za n d N e w Z e a l a n d

S o , is this the answer? D o e s sensory overload

S t r e e t

G a r d e n

TQURISM *t w H At AM) Check the website on or ask your local usif CAMPUS branch for more details.

Felix > 7 February 2000










the criminal justice budget. He has acquittal'


been criticised by practically everycivil




i verdict'

(depending on your opinion) has

g the





? gradually

increase in spirit, to the utter disuse of

When you think back to what life may

o n e , from


been used to protest against silly or

juries in cases of the most momen-

have been like in the thirteenth cen-

lawyers, his own party, all the other

oppressive laws. Some of the more

tous concern."

tury, the idea of laws demanding trial

parties and many judges. His bill was

odious Official Secrets Acts trials in

by jury and a statement of rights for

thrown out two weeks a g o by the


seventies a n d early eighties,

There is now a standard method to justify the removal of liberties: state

citizens is unlikely to figure highly. Yet

Lords, with Straw saying he will re-

among others, resulted in acquittals


one of the reasons that England sees

introduce it in the Commons.

when the defendants were legally in

government has to g o through to


Juries have always

as a n ancient



of liberties is


because we had such a document


shows that t h e


M a g n a Carta - which still

has some

of freedom bums"


politicians, not famous

by a distant and mainly




sheet or next election,


often feel that juries are

time once when a jury deliberation room was being cleared

land and Wales were given further

cise people who defend

for their skills at looking i n c o n v e n i e n c e t h a t cat

judiciary: there was a

century, people in Eng-

i n n o c e n c e is a n

system that is populated school

inconvenience the

lock someone up, criti-

Civil servants and

some democracy o n a


Later, in

force today. the



the wrong.

had a way of forcing



the status quo as "fat-

the balance




though should

b e dealt

criminal law

has never been a great money-spinner)


with severely"

incompetent to make


label others as members of the recently cre-

decisions on complex matters involv-

ated new public enemy, the 'forces of conservatism'. Victims come in useful

rights to trial by jury in serious cases;

out and a note from the foreman

ing criminal cases. This is not borne

in the time when public hanging and

found which read "do we all agree:

out by experience - most jurors take

flogging were the norm.

1. that this judge is a complete bastard; 2. that the judge wants this man

here too as all illiberal changes in their duties seriously and may be criminal law can be in their interest more likely to imagine themselves in they have been hijacked as a blanket

no use to us today. Jack Straw, the


3 . that we therefore

a street fight, domestic assault or


Home Secretary, is presently pushing

acquit?" Juries have a common-law

robbery than many of the magistrates

themselves more easily as victims

to abolish the right to trial by jury for

right to acquit even if the case is

who would decide instead. Would

than criminals. It is a brave person

a whole class of offences, with the



you prefer to be tried before twelve

who defends the unpopular, and

intention of savina a few aercent of


a n d this

Such silly rights are obviously of

against the 'sympathy

people there to apply 'human experience' to the case or a

bench of

politicians know they will not win an election defending criminals' rights.

case-hardened magistrates who are used to the high conviction rate in their courts?

E g

S l



Q c


U s


I e



E a

2 0 %


S c




o P P

The sad thing about this is that is all quite unnecessary. The cost savings will be eaten up by an appeal

Straw now follows a well-worn

right to the crown court which has to

and unpleasant path to remove these

be put in because of the Human


Rights Act, meaning cases will ping-

In opposition

he said the

Tories' plan to do the same (later

pong between courts with lawyers


cashing in all the way. Officials, wit-

was "short-sighted a n d

wrong". Following the usual conver-

nesses and victims will all be delayed

sion ministers have when they get

as much or more than under the pre-

into government, he has now seen

vious system. Analogies to the Scot-

the light and ditched much of his lib-

tish system (where the right to trial by

eralism in this regard. He follows the

jury is curbed)

hardened Home Office view the

since there the 'sheriffs' have much

innocence is an inconvenience that

less power anyway.

should be dealt with severely. He is already trying to stop alleged rapists

all e s p r e s s o - b a s e d b e v e r a g e s

or their lawyers from cross-examining their accusers, and is supporting the removal of the right to choose one's own

lawyer. He is extending this

argument to trial against

by jury, going

an ancient

trend, a n d

ignores the opinion

of the late

respected jurist Sir William Black-

t o a l l I C U s t u d e n t s / s t a f f

stone who said that "delays and

o n

are the price that all free nations

p r o o f

o f

inconveniences in the forms of justice

s t a t u s

must pay for their liberty... and that these inroads upon this sacred bulo f f e r next

v a l i d "

u n t i l

to g i o u t e s f e r r o o d s t a t i o n

1 5 opposite



0 0


since people can see

wark of the nation are fundamentally opposite to the spirit of our constitution and that though begun in trifles,

are inappropriate

We ought to feel reasonably proud of the fact that we cannot be locked up in this country for more than a year without twelve ordinary people agreeing to it. It is frankly scary


o u r guilt

of serious

offences may soon be decided by experts and imposed on us, with trial by jury reserved for the famous or people with ' a reputation to defend' (in this proposal your rights to trial by jury will be genuinely decided by how important you look). Since only people with such reputations are given the right to trial by jury, the proposal is itself admitting it may be unfair. If some of us deserve freedoms, we all do.


7 February 2000 • Felix

































Bakari business. Granted they have features unlike any

This new, new thing (as Michael Lewis calls the

as everyone knows, surfers don't go to sites that are

internet) really is a boon to technically minded peo-

actually advertised on the web. You need heavy

previous publishing enterprises, but nevertheless

ple. Now, I don't want to turn off half my audience

offline advertising to reach that critical mass that is

publishing businesses they are. The one thing that

who are not computer scientists or electrical engi-

so crucial to the success of any web business. For

kills a site more quickly than anything else is stale

neers. The whole point is that as we turn from pure

instance, I've never been to the web

information. Thafs why the e-tailers are suited to the

technology to business, IC undergrads are better

site, and I don't have any intention to for a long time

web, because once you have the data model

qualified than the vast majority of current e-practi-

yet. But inevitably, I have seen their advertising on

implemented, you can leave it up to the database

tioners. Most of the articles that are written o n e-

the side of the buses running up and down Kens-

and your surfers to provide up to date information.

commerce focus on heart warming stories of a per-

ington High Street.

Ifs what has been called the stick and cauldron

son overcoming the odds and becoming paper rich

The other side of this particular aspect is that

phenomenon. You provide the stick and the caul-

on the Initial Public Offering (IPO). I don't see any

barriers to entry for web based businesses are

dron for preparing a meal and you leave it up to

reason why e-businesses should not be subjected to

famously low. You can run a state of the art web site

your guests to bring the vegetables and the meat

the same kind of rational analysis that any other

circa 1993 (ie. static web pages) for about as much

for the feast, thereby saving you most of the work.

kind of business would be subjected to. I will not

effort as writing this article. The next step up is to

claim that my knowledge is in any way comprehen-

usefully process the information that surfers give, so

This publishing aspect also acts as a barrier and a differentiator between the online sites and

sive but at least it will be more useful than some of

there offline cousins. You can build a community

the mind candy that is passing as analysis.

feel around your site, and have much more infor-

Have you noticed how many of the new e-

mation about your users than even supermarkets

commerce sites are not doing anything fundamen-

can dream of. So, even when your offline competi-

tally new, but just doing an online version of an

tors move online, as they inevitably will, users are

offline business? There is nothing inherently wrong

used to your site. It is interesting to note that the company that

with that - the driving force behind business is not originality but the bottom line. With that being the

kicked off the whole internet shebang in its current

case, it is useful to compare the offline and online

form, Netscape, was swallowed whole by A O L .

sectors of similar businesses. As most e-commerce

Which begs the question: what is more important

sites are just retailers, it is useful to compare them

for internet success - knowledge of the technology,

to their offline brethren.

or knowledge of the customer?. Steve Case got his business training as a marketing manager with

In 1998, an estimated ÂŁ 1 9 4 b n was spent in the high street, while nearly ÂŁ2bn was spent on e-

Proctor & G a m b l e (as did Stephen Ballmer, the

commerce. So it is with this background that you

Microsoft C E O , incidentally). This is quite interesting, as P & G has over a century of experience of

can judge all the adverts for new web sites. As espending grows from this miniscule 1% of our

that they can actually order that widget. This

marketing to Joe Public, and spends more in doing

spending, they know that if they hang on to our

involves shoving a database on the back end of

so (about $ 2 0 0 m around the globe) than any other

attention for the next couple of years and retain

your web site, by either a) finding an ISP that can

company on earth. This marketing know how crops

market share, they will become the Boots, Argos or

handle this or b) shelling out on a leased line to

up again and again in some of the biggest internet

WHSmith of the internet.

house your own computer. Then you have to think

companies. The heads of ebay and etoys are both ex-Disney acolytes, for instance.

Profit is equal to revenue minus costs. This sim-

about the questions that are bread and butter to

ple little equation always comes in handy when you

computer scientists, such as what is your data

Finally, take the case of last This

are required to do a business case study, as seems

model, what legal transactions are valid, and what

business was launched last October and just sells

to be de riguer when applying for a job these days.

kind of web forms you'll use for transactions. Now,

booze, delivering to you if you are within the M 2 5 .

So why are the vast majority of web based busi-

this is more than a case of just fancy graphics. You

Before a bottle was even drunk, the company was

nesses losing money? Surely, the whole point of

are now facing the questions that PC manufactur-

valued at E l O O m pounds. Firstly, I would suggest

backing a company is that you expect to receive

ers faced when they developed the first Graphical

that you mistrust journalists valuations of e-busi-

profits in the form of dividends? This basic business

User Interfaces for PCs. These are issues that the

nesses, because if you carefully watch the headline

requirement is being forgotten for the meantime, as

larger US web companies confronted a few years

figure that is quoted and the quoted figures a few

investors are willing to suspend their caution in the

ago. For instance, you can trade shares in two

months later it is invariably different. What is essen-

hope that their business will be one of the big boys

clicks in e'trade once you've registered. Having

tially taking the place of the corner shop is valued

left when e-commerce has reached its saturation

said that, the key to web development is speed. The

at such a ludicrous amount because the financiers

level. (It's also very helpful if the rest of the investing

specifications of web browsers are being updated

were backing the management team as much as

community are similarly willing to suspend their

continuously, so it is more important to have mag-

the idea.

judgement as well, and allow you to make large

net content that will bring users back time and

capital gains with your shares in loss making ven-

again, rather than employing the latest gimmickry.

tures) The reason that they are making losses is that,

Which brings out another aspect of web based businesses. In essence, web sites are publishing

Watch this space as I hope to get a scoop on a pre-lPO straight technology company and one of the biggest European internet companies. Email you comments to

10 Science

Felix » 7 February 2000

Rage against the Machine Is your computer driving you crazy? John Clifford investigates the how and why of P C rage. We all know the feeling, with just half a n hour to a vital deadline, the

large number of people resort to violence. A quarter of under 25s have

computer replaces all of your work with the blue screen of death. O r that

admitted to kicking their machines, while 7 0 % have sworn at their c o m -

creeping feeling that you would have been better off using a biro. The

puters. 7 5 % believe that they are expected to use computers without

fact is, that although computers are the future

enough support from IT, who frequently treat only the symptoms (without

of communications,

they're not that reliable. A n d when your job requires

dealing with the underlying fault), making it likely to

you to use a computer, many of Britain's workers feel

happen a g a i n .

at the mercy of their machines.

C o m p u t e r crashes are expensive too. The C o n f e d -

Offices are b e c o m i n g increasingly dependent o n

eration of British Industry believe that one lost hour per

networked P C s , which is extremely useful when the

person per day will cost £ 2 5 , 0 0 0 per employee each

entire system works. In the days when typewriters were

year. A n d increased stress levels result in more days off,

the norm, the sheer amount of work that needed to be

which also costs. So what's the solution?

done to produce many copies of the same document

W h e n a computer goes wrong, the user is made to

required a huge typing p o o l .

|S feel very stupid, particularly if the p r o b l e m turns out to

Equally, searching through a large database takes

be a basic error, such as a forgotten password. 8 0 % of

just a few seconds, c o m p a r e d with a pleasant after-


noon in the archive r o o m . But while technology has allowed

c o m p a n i e s to cut d o w n

employees surveyed believed that they need a lot more support a n d training in using certain packages . But

o n typists a n d


even then, computers have a habit of g o i n g wrong for

archivists, the remaining staff are expected to d o the

no apparent reason. The onus is o n software manu-

jobs of many more people , which has lead to a reduc-

facturers to make systems which are a lot more reliable

tion in job security and an increase in stress levels. So when a computer fails and stops people from working, the failure c a n

Ht» and user-friendly (see opposite). If a piece of software has a reputation for not crashing at r a n d o m , it will gradually become a

lead to over-reaction a n d a great deal of stress. So how d o people deal

lot more popular. In the meantime, the best way is to take precautions

with a computer failure?

against crashes - make regular saves, a n d make sure you have a copy

The initial reaction is frequently o n e of disbelief, a n d asking c o l -

of your work o n several different computers. Failing that, a number of

leagues for advice. The worst type of crash occurs when a large amount

unions are promoting positive forms of stress relief. For example, U N I -

of work is lost, and the employee will be fairly desperate to get their data

S O N are running a series of "get even" weekends, where attendees are

back if possible. But IT departments are often equally understaffed a n d

e n c o u r a g e d to use a series of highly unreliable old computers, and then

overstretched, and several minutes o n hold does not help to calm the

smash them with baseball bats when they fail. N o t r e c o m m e n d e d for the

user d o w n . W h i c h is why a series of recent surveys have shown that a

Felix office.

Glendower Prep School, 87 Queen's Gate, SW7 Telephone: 020 7370 1927 Fax: 020 7244 8308 IT Manager / Troubleshooter required as soon as possible for the equivalent of one day per week. Flexibility of hours / days etc negotiable. Hourly rate of payment. For further details, please contact the school office.

Science 11

7 February 2000 • Felix


Rebels or Rejects? As mounting excitement surrounds Installfest 2 0 0 0 , Ewan Jones finds out about Linux For hours the discussion had been raging, with

in the best, most efficient way. As a result of this,

The US National Institute of Health has expressed

strong disagreements about the module's con-

Linux is streamlined, making it use less of your

concerns over the number of failed genetic thera-

struction giving way to a quieter, more technical

system than the shaky electronic giants. It also

py experiments o n humans. Researchers are sup-

dialogue. For a moment the chat room was

leads to the well known (and worrying) view-

posed to r e p ^ i deaths and failures, but often foil

silent, until suddenly a message seethed across

point that Linux "feels more stable", which

to because of the commercial nature of the work.

the page. It read "Happy New Year."

could be a godsend to the user who is used to

This is possibly the most c o m m o n stereotype of the Linux enthusiast. Even the word

seeing an article follow the 2nd law of thermodynamics.

new year by launching their Inst astronaut, using

Secondly, it is a well known fact that you

"enthusiast" casts up images of bearded, mid-

C h i n a are believed to be preparing to mark the

dle-aged men with personal hygiene issues,

can give a set of computer enthusiasts two ran-

strangely keen to discuss their sole interest with

dom three letter acronyms (or TLAs) and they

the Sherizhou capsule. The craft is based a n reliable'Soviet technology.

will debate for hours the relative merits of the

An international effort has been launched to find

maybe the image of the enthusiast is about to


the missing Mars Polar Lander. MPL was believed

undergo its biggest change since the invention

described. The same holds with Linux -as users

to have been destroyed, but new data from the

of the Thermos flask, as it is these people who

debate the merits of one module or another,

Christmas period shows two blips which suggests

pose the biggest threat to the global capitalist

Linux evolves into a number of different species,

the probe may '.till be alive.


with many versions of each. Suse is preferred for

a number

of pimpled, solitary youths. But


you have



many servers, while graphical interfaces such as

Horttculturalists tn C o f i f o r h i a t e

Red Hat are the choice of the general user,

germinate seeds of the rare Corpse flower The

to the uninitiated), to Red Hat (which looks like

allowing a standard wallpaper of a desired


a funkier version of Windows 98). But there, I'm

female or component.

described as a combination of raw sewage and

"Linux" refers to a group of P C operating systems including Suse (which resembles D O S

assured, the resemblance went

ends. to

So I

In theory,

it seems,






market in operat-

makes I X ^ U V U S .

Linux, and its users,

i n



blooms very rarely,


a smell

rotting flesh. Scientists in C h i n a have produced the wcspps smallest nanotubes. with diameters of just O.Snm Nahorubes are essentially tubular

versions of

" b u c k y b b l ^ | ; C f grouping of carbon atoms in:the :

f t e p s of a football,

browsers and com-

so different.

mon software, and hav-

Genetic researchers have located a gene which

ing ruthlessly purged its rivals, it could afford to

mokes men susceptible to testicular cancer. It is

Having a desire to type which is matched only by a similar lack of cash, I have made a few contacts in the computer world. Upon entering the computer fair, however, I was still seized by a natural defensive instinct to yell "You're all virgins!" and run out into the sunlight. But my room mate's jumper and National

Health glasses, together


about four days facial hair, put me more at my ease, and I headed towards the Linux area. Unfortunately,


f ing cornered the

its inhabitants) to find out


worry about. Hav-

Court Road (or TCR to


having to confess that I had

never heard of a "scuzzy" rather blew my cover. However, from

my conversations with the

scuzzies, I learnt the following about Linux: Unlike the secretive, shady work of such sinister capitalists as Microsoft, Linux is freely created and distributed by an International Broth-

start annexing small countries by now. But Linux

hoped that the discover/ will allow screening of

is not really a commercial venture, and so can-

vulnerable individuals, with the hope of catching

not, by definition, be driven out of business. Its

pPdised Sf.i;idrty. ;

main market currently lies in system administrators such as in the Department of Computing, where Linux machines have pride of place, while N T machines are hidden away in a less desirable room (one with windows). Servers, both local and internet, it seems, prefer Linux, as a network is much less likely to crash of its own accord. X% of servers are believed to run Linux. It also has the advantage that the administrator can (fairly) easily tailor the system to his or her exact needs.

Fragments of a meteorite which fell to Earth in November have been recovered m Ireland The rock is believed to be of lunar origin by scientists at the Natural History M u s e u m , a n d is the first meteorite to be recovered in Ireland since 1 3 o 5 The US Notional Secuntv Agency has admitted that it suffered a serious computer crash lost week which affected the processing of intelligence information

An even bigger threat, it is predicted, will

I lotional security is not believed to have

been jeopardised.

erhood of programmers. This was made possi-

come as more software is developed to run o n

ble by a program written by a man called Linus


Torvatis, called the Kemal, which calls on other

and ease of use (and hopefully eliminating the

small programs, called modules, to perform all

need for your computer to become an antique

should hove integrated voice a n d data capacity,

the individual tasks necessary in order to run a

curiosity within nine months) for the ordinary

and are expected to be launched early next year.

Linux systems, providing


.Psion and M o t o r ^ i a ^

to develop

•.; series of mobile internet products. The device;

computer. Unlike Microsoft's Windows, all of

user without a degree in computing and with

the code behind these modules is freely avail-

other interests. It has the potential, with some

The European Union is considering a total ban o n

able, a n d Linux's International

manoeuvring, to weaken Windows share of the

all US-produced meats, due to fears over hor-


monal contamination The contaminants are legal

Brigade will

rewrite these modules (and continually invent more) in order to make their machines work

As the last of the computer fair visitors hurry

better, a n d will usually then make their work

home to catch Star Trek, I head back to a wel-


come shave and a date. But perhaps as Bill

This system of development has a number of effects. Firstly, unlike commercial program-

in A m e r i c a , b u t are suspected of causing heal problems in children.

Gates' empire begins to lose its grip, it is time

N a s a have postponed the launch of the Space

to start looking at the alternatives.

Shuttle Endeavoui until at least ne>t Wednesday, J u t to •computer problems. Meanwhile, a Science

mers (who have "disillusioned idealist" written all over them), Linux's programmers are moti-

Ewan Jones has never been a member of

vated only by a desire to make their system work

the Gloucester Road Popular Front

columnist has undertaken not to runarty, more N a s a features for at least one month.



Felix * 7 February 2000

After years of being seen as serving n o useful purpose, the C C U that is City & G u i l d s C o l l e g e U n i o n has decided to d o something about it. C G C U will turn all its resources towards producing big budget blockbuster movies that will make bigger losses than any Summer Ball These resources include the C G C U societies, which will produce each individual film. H o l l y w o o d , here we c o m e . . .







This week's Constituent College Union, C&G College Union, presents their wide range of societies C G C U A c t i v e , Mission:



""Active ore a bunch of ambitious (yet moronic) students aiming to

'services are available online. We are also reviving a 4 0 year old

raise the profile of City & G u i l d s C o l l e g e within IC. Recently we

Guilds tradition by entering a float in this year's Lord Mayors

launched the C G C U

Show, a n d we're involved in the setting up of an internship centre.


web portal,, the

web site in ICU's history (Feline, kiss my

****).The portal will be systematically built up, so that-all C G C U A e r o S o c , A u s t i n Powers:



Did we mention that C G C U have been trying to do all these Active projects themselves with little success for the past five years?


A e r o S o c is a departmental society run by students for students,

liaisons. The society also encourages involvement from c o m p a -

which aims to promote the advancement of the art of a e r o n a u -

nies and organisations in its activities. Does that make

tics through



activities, conferences and careers

C h e m E n g S o c , S t a r W a r s Episode



At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have

where companies give presentations on career opportunities, Indus-

revenge. The main aim of ChemEngSoc is for everyone to have a

trial Trips, Seasonal Dinners, Parties, Sports Meets and much more.

g o o d time while studying in our department. Some of the activities

The society also produces its own newsletter, called Cracker. At last

the society has been organising annually are Concourse Lunches,

we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.

C i v S o c , James



This motion picture is a perfect analogy of our society. It shows the

is an excellent motion picture as it indicates the intensity and scale

quality of importance and distinctiveness that our society possess-

of the major events we organise each year, all related to Civil

es. W e are like the treasured and special event of Christmas. This


DoCSoc, The Matrix


The aim of D o C S o c is to encourage its members to interact and

talks. We also encourage and support participation in competitions

socialise with other people. We organise video screenings for the

(quake... err we mean programming), so members can represent

less energetic members, publish Typo (out beloved fortnightly mag-

the department. D o C S o c - We/come to the real world! If you want

azine) and arrange the obligatory subsidised meals, barnights and

to know more or get involved, contact docsoc@doc. ic. ac. u k

EESoc, Monty



The Holy


The Really



The Electrical Engineering Society is run by some Mighty Knights of

freshers events and Christmas dinners, Ni, booksales, newsletters,

Ni, who are responsible for the several wonderful events organised.

Ni, the infamous EESoc Revue, Ni, distributing past papers, lock-

Rest assured that they are not satisfied by the mere acquisition of

ers, Ni, organise sports events, Ni, run the very popular EESoc cin-

strawberries, but spend their time constructively, by organising

ema and many Ni more that don't come to mind right now... Ni.

M e c h S o c , Terminator


M e c h S o c has two aims: the first is to promote friendly and syner-

esting perspective of the profession. In addition to academic

getic interaction between the students of the Mechanical Engineer-

events, MechSoc frequently organises a wide range of sports and

ing department at Imperial; the other is to promote engineering by

recreational activities. All students at Imperial are invited to partic-

providing activities that can give students a wider and more inter-

ipate in our activities. If you want to live, come with me.

EESTEC, A Fistful

of Dollars


Electrical Engineering STudents European a s s o c i a t i o n . What do

and their electronics industry. All costs (bar transport) are covered.

we do? For A Fistful of Dollars (or Euros rather) we go on trips to

How? Industry is glad to sponsor us with A Few Dollars

other member cities in Europe, learn about their alcoholic drinks

We're also preparing for our annual conference this M a r c h .

C & G M o t o r C l u b , Mad


4: The Road



City & G u i l d s C o l l e g e Union Mot or C l u b is open to everyone and

and uses for off-road events. The Mot or C l u b also runs a Kart

aims to provide a cheap and enjoyable introduction to motor

Section, as well as Team Bo and Team Derrick, all of which are

sport a n d other motoring activities. It doesn't even matter if you

clubs within themselves. But, If it's all the same to you... I'll drive

do not own a car as the club has a Mini that it regularly maintains

that tanker.

C & G R u g b y C l u b , H i g h l a n d e r IV: W o r l d Without End The C & G Rugby C l u b has a long tradition of achievements. As well

against the RSM and the RCS. However, there can be only one, and

as playing games against other colleges and universities, the Rugby

its usually this Rugby Club. There is also an annual tour, where the

C l u b also competes in the Sparkes C u p , in which the club plays

club travels to another part of Europe to play rugby.

Union 13

7 February 1999 » Felix

T h e

S t a t e

o f

t h e

By T a s h a N e w t o n , Imperial C o l l e g e


U n i o n Tuesday

U n i o n President

Motspur park

Paperwork day is compensated for

money, Tim Trailor

and I g o to a meeting on how to

by a fantastic evening.

spend £ 2 , 0 0 0 , 0 0 0 . Not as pleasant as it sounds.


Off to Mary's for the bands

Meeting with Rev Alan Gyle from the

night. O o o h my head will hurt in the

Chaplaincy. Their offices will be part


of the new welfare wing in the Beit basement.

- This Week's Union Meetings -

House Committee - where did all the members go? This is obviously not an election winner. ICU Exec,

Tuesday 8th February:

on the other hand, clearly is - the

room is packed. But it's nice to have •

you all there...

18.30 ICU Council (Union Dining Hall)

Student Development Committee. N o longer is a degree alone

17.30 ICU Executive (Resource Centre)



at Imperial. A

second week - some sign up and are

2 0 . 0 0 C A G Soup run

seminar on what the new Human

backed straight away, others seem to

one other than the medics) so ICU

Rights Act will mean at Imperial. O K ,

struggle. I remember hoping that

Thursday 10th February:

brings you fun skills learning. Why

so I am a terminal cynic, but it struck

reflected the outcome last year, it

am I bragging - it's all Kevin's doing,

me as a lecture in 'how not to get

did! G o o d luck everyone.

not mine.

sued' rather than a celebration of

enough to guarantee a job (for any-

ferent enquiries - it's still nice to deal be better protected. I was with people directly. assured that this was not the case. The Warner Brothers discount might

Meeting with the Medical School Secretary. There are still problems for

I C U post


a n d then

there's the medical sabbatical for next year to discuss.




(Resource Centre)

Lots of students with lots of dif-

18.00 R C C General meeting

the ways in which we (as students) Friday

12.30 Recreational Clubs C o m mittee

2 0 . 0 0 C A G Soup run

cards finally arrive. C o m e and get Friday 1 1 th February: • 13.00 Social Clubs Committee

your discount card and promotion

Booked the ballot boxes, a n d the stuff - all you need is a photo and a Union card! election nominations move into their






If you are ready for a challenge and you want 'unrivalled' opportunities, c o m e and meet the world's leading professional services organisation.


£17 MEN

OPEN PRESENTATION Date: Tuesday 15th February 2000 Time: 6.30pm for 7.00pm Venue: PricewaterhouseCoopers, No.l London Bridge, London SE1 9QL The format of the evening will be a question a n d answer session, so in order to register for the event please send an email to together with any questions you would like answered on the night, or you c a n telephone 0171 804 5920 P l e a s e n o t e : D u e t o t h e UK work permit regulations Pricew a t e r h o u s e C o o p e r s offers only very limited opportunities for g r a d u a t e s requiring work permits b e f o r e t h e y c a n t a k e u p p e r m a n e n t e m p l o y m e n t in t h e UK. If y o u n e e d a permit t o work in t h e UK, y o u m a y w a n t t o c o n s i d e r this b e f o r e d e c i d i n g t o t a k e t i m e o u t of your busy s c h e d u l e t o a t t e n d our p r e s e n t a t i o n .




SM th h$t student offer?

14 Columns

Felix » 7 February 2000


far as I know, no o n e from the

- o n e insignificant reactor a m o n g the billions

the U K £ 1 0 0 m to have an astronaut o n board

great Imperial

C o l l e g e has ever

of our galaxy. It's a spectacular feeling. This is

the international space station - a sum that ini-



N o w let's

the reason to go . M a n k i n d can't be expected

tially seems a lot, but in reality is insignificant.

look at the stats. Just over five hundred people

to sit tight on his home planet when there is

It c o u l d be taken from the treasury without the

have been fortunate


just so much out there to explore. C o l u m b u s

blink of an eye, o r else funded by various min-

from our atmosphere (no pedanticisms please)

must have had a similar sort of vision when he

istries and the lottery. Even private sponsorship



e n o u g h to break

- all very skilled, intelligent a n d healthy indi-

stared out across the Atlantic a n d wondered

coul d

viduals. If we were to spread that number over

what the hell was out there. That urge is built

sound nations take far greater pride in space

the world's top a c a d e m i c institutions (ignoring

into us - a Darwinian survival of the species

flight. G e r m a n y a n d France have had numer-

nationality), then IC surely would have h a d a

instinct, perhaps. Whatever the case, it should

ous space travellers, a n d yet o u r single effort,




by now. S o , what's


wrong? W e l l , Imperial happens to be located



be ignored,


those individuals in which it is less expressed

be sought.


e c o n o m i c a l l y less

Helen S h a r m a n , was funded


in the U K , a n d o u r government is somewhat

cies to c h a n g e .

visionless when is c o m e s to space explo-





budget the




its for


I heard it

would perhaps beg to /.







are the

from a space bound

travel. Often their





more than anyone else. Russia still m a n a g e s to




uphold its own squad of cosmonauts to m a i n -

Use the money to find cures for dis-

presence as the second

power. The E ur opea n Space Agency

activity, it will be like


or mining



(America isn't the safest place o n Earth)

by strengthening

or else why not clean up our own planet first?

d e c a d e , expect C h i n a to start to put its o w n

The money taken from the space budgets of

people into orbit too. The U K is part of ESA,

the big spenders wouldn't

but doesn't commit to m a n n e d space flight.

back into such public services

The British N a t i o n a l Space Centre will gladly

by the respective govern-

boast about Britain's use of Earth O b s e r v a t i o n

ments, one

ularly exciting.

d e l u d i n g

T h e X-prize



$ 1 0 m to the first private company that powers a crew into low orbit and then does it a g a i n within two

,' '•

weeks, a n d it has many entrants all with new concepts designed to lower the cost of reaching orbit. The winner is expected within ten



for space travel, and it seems that British politi-



cians share their scepticism. So why d o we (as

w o u l d . The sum

a species) bother? I presume everyone has at


some stage gaze d at the stars. But have you

probably not make

ever really l o o k e d at them? I'm not talking

a lot of difference


pared to fork out a fortune for a ticket.



in s p a c e

sooner for those who are pre-

all be ploughed

a n d any-


o u r way.


within fifteen years - and much

the police

ticipating in particular projects. In the c o m i n g


o n the m o o n ,

all c o m i n g


leaders, as d o individual nations that are par-

data, but useful stuff as it is, it's hardly partic-


rush. Be it space tourism it's

sends up its astronauts with either of the two

Critics are constantly questioning the need






a way of

making a net profit


billion), the U S A





a significant

its c o m -



secutive year (last time




was aroun d $ 1 3



heads the way in space. having



As you all know, A m e r i c a Despite


c o m m e r c i a l sources. Its time for the U K ' s poli-



agencies will continue to make the news






flight to

M a r s as early as

proper astronomy here, with its associated sci-


entific buff, rather the point where you've been


gazing at the whole d o m e of the sky for a


while a n d suddenly it hits y o u : the depth. At


this stage, the stars stop being pretty little pin-

from the military

pricks of light and take o n a whole new sym-

surely massive eddies where

money d i s a p -

For the moment, that spectacular view of



pears without having achieved much). A l s o , by

Earth - with no visual borders between coun-

(and you don't

have to know

a n d it be





ly, we (the present IC student contin-


gent) will all be at the appropriate age

funds (where there are

( — 40) for such a trip...

isn't just a

cutting space programs you would be remov-

tries - is oniy availabl e to a lucky few. I've

brighter light in the sky - it is another world. As

ing a lot of inspiration for children and adults

always believed that 'astronaut' was the best

this perception kicks i n , the night sky almost

alike. It's safe to say that, unless we destroy

possible job in the w o r l d , and it was even my

becomes 3 D in nature, as the mind begins to

ourselves, we will eventually d o it all - so why

aim to b e c o m e one at one stage. Since I can't

visualise the vastness of the universe as well as

prolong it? Ironically, it is likely that people will

see myself d o i n g a P h D that option disap-

its splendour. As your eyes dilate a n d the milky

only begin to care more for their planet when

pears, but it is still my ambition to travel into

way becomes ever clearer, you c a n see your

we have finally b e c o m e a proper space-faring

space. S o m e h o w , I don't think that will be difficult. I see it likely that nearly a l l of us IC stu-

names to see this). The m o o n

place in the greater scheme of things. Sud-

species. Then we will all be able to look back

denly you can see yourself lying d o w n , hands

at the fragile Earth, recognise its uniqueness

dents will

behind your, head looking up from the surface

(at least in the close neighbourhood) and feel

weightlessness a n d witness a sunrise over the

of this tiny but beautiful Earth, circling the sun

sentimental e n o u g h to care for it. It would cost

curvature of the Earth.

o n e day enjoy the sensation of

Columns 15

7 February 2000 • Felix





t appointment of a new Rector will

Back in the dim dark days, when

a p p r o a c h e d one Sir Richard Sykes,

the last time Sir Richard was near a

the C o l l e g e languished somewhere

a bluff Yorkshire businessman who

university campus, it was at Bristol,

be g o o d for Imperial, as the cur-

near the bottom third of the a c a -


he was studying

for a PhD in

rent incumbent is obviously getting



microbial biochemistry, and Petula

a little stale, a n d is enjoying his


Sir Ron



the world's



Oxburgh stepped onto the great

and has access to the highest ech-

Clark was top of the charts with

new seat in the House of Lords. A

vessel IC a n d took the helm. By

elons, the biggest names, and the

Downtown. Is it right for an institu-

fresh start is essential, a n d could


big funding a n d killing

deepest pots. He dutifully thought it

tion such as IC to be headed up by

harmonise the C o l l e g e . Yet we see

off paper-shufflers, Ron has trans-

over, and agreed , providing he can

somebody who has spent so long

from the front page of this fine

formed the C o l l e g e , a n d we are

continue playing with his new toy

away from the demands of a c a d e -

journal that one-fifth of the a c a -

now number two. With some more

until 2 0 0 2 - when he will throw it

mia? C a n we expect him to under-

demic staff of the C o l l e g e were

refining of the yards of red tape

out of the playpen and be given a

stand the needs and demands of

sidelined by the promise that "it


shiny new a c a d e m i c institution to

students when contemplating top-

wouldn't be a medic". How ridicu-


lous. For Breakpoint's money, one




building, he could probably push

keep him happy in his retirement.



example? A n d

although Imperial has only recent-

man (a medic) has shown himself

ests of the C o l l e g e ? N o . Ron h a d

ly been through a huge merger of

to be a leader of public opinion, a

gone - and the C o u n c i l has recog-

many things going for him when he

its own, will he pursue his obvious-


nised that even bigger funders are

arrived in 1 9 9 4 - a senior civil ser-

ly instinctive tendency to enlarge

c o m m o n - t o u c h , and yet being able


to l e a p f r o g o u r

vant in the Ministry of Defence,

and centralise (with, for example

to walk with kings. That man is, of

friends in the Fens. They needed a

before which he was a senior a c a -

the Institute of C a n c e r Research)

course, Lord Winston, IC's profes-

Fund-u-like ™ to finish the job off.

demic at Q u e e n ' s C o l l e g e , C a m -

and yet again put the interests of

sor of fertility studies. Why d o we

In selecting this new leader to take

bridge. H e cannot be accused of

students - or will that be 'consumer

always assume that the grass is

Europe's MIT into this bright new

having no knowledge of student

units' - further down the a g e n d a ?

millennium, the C o l l e g e C o u n c i l

life and students interests, whereas

us close to C a m b r i d g e . Soon,



Ron will be

But is that truly in the best inter-



get me w r o n g . The

army a n d firefighters w h o were called to the


holding the

greener o n the other side of the fence?

sound, which Kevin has determined is due to it

scene eventually found the source of the fumes

possessing two beepers which d o not beep in

When a group of students from ICU went on a

to be a storeroom containing rotting onions.

time. In contrast the Exhibition Road crossing

trip out to Imperial C o l l e g e at W y e , they were

The room had recently been opened by a chef,

(adjacent to the north side of Princes Gardens)

aware that they were going to a college with

who was immediately overcome, and collapsed.

does not possess any audible signal. The most famous local crossing is the one situated at the

quite a different focus to the rest of IC. Howev-

middle of High Street Ken. Here the sound pro-

er, these students were still a m a z e d when they


duced to indicate that it is safe to cross is unusu-

tor. The lecturer was pointing at the picture,

It has recently been brought to Kevin's attention

that its distinctive sound has been sampled to

apparently explaining what the different bits of

that many of the local Pelican crossings possess

provide a sound effect for shoot-em-up arcade

walked past a lecture theatre at Wye a n d saw a

ally fast. A number of sources have suggested

large picture of a cow o n the overhead projec-


the animal did.







Recently Kevin was in a kitchen shared by a

Salt and vinegar peanuts are now available in

group of IC Students. Kevin noticed that most of

the union bars. Kevin h a d never come across

the cupboards (as well as many of the surfaces)

these before and was not particularly impressed

were piled high with onions. The student who owns the onions, let's call him Stuart, claimed





when he tried them for the first time. They tasted fruity; more salt a n d apple than salt a n d vinegar. A n explanation for this was found on

enter the number of kilograms (not the number

A Mostly Harmless C o l u m n by Kevin, a random entity w h o knows nothing about nothing

of onions) that he required. Stuart is now look-

their own individual character. Kevin has recent-

flavour items such as crisps and nuts, he would

ing for ideas about what he c a n d o with a

ly been crossing many roads in the South Kens-

like to know why hydrofluoric acid - which being

kitchen full of onions. Kevin would like to warn

ington area investigating. Kevin has concluded

an extremely strong acid can provide a strong

Stuart, a n d anyone else w h o may be storing

that it would be impossible to find such a col-

flavour in small amounts, and is normally in salt

large quantities of onions that they can be d a n -

lection of quirky crossings anywhere else in the

and vinegar flavourings - was not used.

gerous. A n amusing incident occurred when

world. For example, take the crossing in front of

many Pentagon staff b e g a n to feel nauseous as

the Albert Hall. Here, as soon as you press the

to have acquired them accidentally. Stuart had tried shopping over the internet, but failed to realise that the quantity field required him to

the label, which revealed that citric acid had been used as the flavouring. Although Kevin is aware that it is impractical to use vinegar to

a strange smell pervaded their offices. Their

button, the lights immediately begin to change -

To comment or contribute:

building was evacuated as an attack by terror-

the responsiveness is quite amazing. This partic-

ular crossing also produces a rhythmic bleeping

or email

ists using biological weapons was feared. The

16 Feedback

Felix • 7 February 2000

F e l i x ISSUE 1166


mile. W e don't see how many of


those 362 lucky people of £ 5 0 , 0 0 0 per year are in academic positions. It

Dear Editor,

Dear Dave,

is no secret that many people on fairly middle ranking grades in Sherfield

Editorial Staff Editor.

The sabbatical team would like

David Roberts

Deputy Editor....Marie N i c h o l a o u News

Gareth M o r g a n


to comments

on the

are earning in that region. We do not

catering service provided by college and the union (letters 1 7 / 1 , 24/1), I

to allay any fears, which may have

see the calamitous financial

arisen after last week's allegations of

agement in certain divisions of the

have discovered yet another service


ICSM. For all this and more, you

that is available externally at a lower

Union cards. We would like to assure

need the infamous


readers that all of the very few peo-

and Planning G r o u p reports. Harder

union minibus hire from £ 1 5 0 per

with the distribution



Managemen t

Since the increase in cost of

J o n a s Lindsay

ple who got their cards on the day of

to obtain than a virgin in a maternity

weekend to £ 1 9 0 , it now works out

G u s Paul

the E G M were checked against reg-

ward, it is high time these were pub-

£ 1 5 - £ 2 0 cheaper to hire from a


John Clifford

istry details and for added security

lished. Next year, will the statements

commercial hire-firm.


James H o l i a n


mention how the College has been

option is greatly facilitated

provision of union insurance for driv-

Photograpy. Sports





& Thorn Leggett

checked. (Anyone who turned up on

running an overdraft

since August

Granted, this by the

Helen Clark

the night with registry details would

because it paid every supplier's bill

ers under 2 5 , but it still begs the

Andy Vivian', Mark

have been and indeed were issued

rather than transfer the information

question of how a non-profit making

Jelinek & Ben Roe



dreadful new

organisation can cost more than a


is that the cancellation charges for

their cards on the day itself. In the

lucid and understandably concerned

the commercial firm are approxi-

past the M e d school Union has dis-

about the Hall refurbishments, sug-

mately % of the union's exorbitant


tributed the cards. This system, long

gests that we are in no-free-lunch


Jim G e a c h , Sunil Rao, Rick

planned and well thought out, was a

territory, and he's in part correct. Beit

consider Becky Leigh's suggestion to contract out such services.

Film Games

the universally

Ben Fisher

These students are all based off

finance system?


Karherine Baria

campus and thus could only obtain





profit making one. An added bonus

Blaine, S a m Becket, Ewan

marked improvement! Having photo

Hall, refurbished for the 2 0 0 0 British

Thomas, John Clifford, Gareth

ID is also a step up from the current

Association meeting,

South Ken routine.

very damaging to our wealth. Bud-

M o r g a n , Bashari Bakari, Hamish C o m m o n , Andy Vivian, Sen G a n e s h , Richard Taylor, Steve Jolly, Dinesh G a n e s h a r a j a h ,



Newton, Tim

Trailor, Kevin Butcher, Ian Clifford

G u s Paul, Tasha Newton &


geted for on highly questionable pre-

C o l m Carroll Chem P G

students if things go awry. Thankfully, enter-

tained for Southside, which will be




paid for by the disposal of Montpellier, Brabazon and Garden Halls.

Dear Sir,

Any rent hikes there will then simply

Dear Dave

Mark, David, Helen, Kuthead, Firstly congratulations

Ben, Viv, Andy, Louise, Tim,


dictions, it will be first to clobber the no such nonsense is being

David Roberts

Katherine, Helen, Drew, Chirs,


Perhaps it's time to seriously

on last

be profiteering by the College rather

The article last week under the

than any necessity borne of impend-

title of 'Cutting Comment' has given

Christian, Pete, James, Kunal,

week's issue, one of the best in

ing doom. It is a great relief that this

me some concern over the misrepre-

Ben, AllyPolly & William Burns

recent years. It seems that there was

silly conferencing model seems to




have been put back in its box before

standing of G o d . Andy Vivian states


through many of the stories, which

exposing the College (ie. us) to

that G o d is all-good,

Jonas & Gareth

links in very nicely with the main

unacceptable risk.

and all-knowing. This is indeed true.

strong financial theme

headline. Felix, The Portacabins, Prince


The C o l l e g e

of the Christian




And then we have the LSE/IC

He asks how this G o d can allow evil

are, as you suggest,

merger. This is brilliant news. Yes, it

to exist. But he ignores the understanding of G o d as one who is full of

Consort Rd, London, S W 7 2BB

always worth a quick gander, but

makes perfect sense, but much more

Internal tel: 5 8 0 7 2

while being legally unimpeachable,

importantly, it suggests that IC may

love for us. This G o d could destroy

External tel & fax: 0171 594 8 0 7 2

they d o not give anything like the

soon have a Rector who is prepared

everyone who does anything that is


whole picture. We d o not, for exam-

to challenge the old orthodoxies and

evil. He could end the world now


ple, see the parlous state of Cater-

who will not tolerate the waste and

and bring an end to evil now. Yet he

ing, because it is lumped in with the

inefficiency that is sadly

does not. His love for us is such that

Residences cash cow. The same

hallmark. Many a good man has he will allow

Felix is produced for a n d o n behalf of Imperial C o l l e g e


be said of Conferencing.

gone native


choose the good option. His love is

Union M e d i a G r o u p and is

Catering, which has always been in a

someone firing salvos before even

hole, should reach the Earth's core

starting. G o d help Sherfield.

Units B2 & B 3 , Hatton Square,

next year if the a proportion of the

16 - 16a Baldwins G a r d e n s ,

SCR costs fall at its feet as the income


for the refur-

bished facility miss the costs by a


chance after chance to love him, to

printed at M C P Litho Limited,

London E C 1 N 7RJ

each person

here. N o w we have

so great, as we are told, that he sent

All the best,

Jesus to die for us. Those who turn to

Simon Baker

amounts of love, which we can never

Chem P G

earn, that he will forgive us, and

him receive from him such unlimited

Felix is a registered newspaper: ISSN


Copyright © Felix 2 0 0 0 .

The deadline for letters intended for publication is Wednesday 12 noon - d r o p into the portacabins o r email Letters may be edited for length but not g r a m m a r o r spelling.

Feedback 17

7 February 2000 Âť Felix S U M M E R BALL UPDATE

count us as worthy of his goodness. If he only permitted good to exist, by destroying evil, then we

Dear Dave,

would have no choice. But we have a choice, we are not governed by

Just a quick note to let you (and

fate. It is this choice that makes us

everybody else!) know that this year's

free to be who we are, to take the

Imperial College Summer Ball

good option or the bad option, even

take place on SATURDAY 1 7th J U N E

to ask the questions and take the

2 0 0 0 , at the Alexandra Palace (don't

view that Mr. Vivian does.

C o t i t Q n / g L



worry, it's not the hall we used last

I'm fully prepared to accept that

If we do accept his gift of love,

year!); it's going to cost you ÂŁ 5 0 ,

Union elections aren't the

we can come to know him personal-

and it's going to be a night never to

exciting thing on the planet. Being


for the top job will speak of trying to improve communication (whatever that really means), and make the Union more accessible


whilst that sounds very nice, it's

ly. This is the purpose of religion, not

be forgotten. Guest speaker is going

accosted by random strangers on

hardly a concrete objective for the

to give us some nefarious 'hope' or

to be Trevor Phillips (ICU President

the Walkway, finding every surface

year. Try to see through the man-

'purpose', that thinks might be nicer

19781), who by that point may well

covered by a wall of inane posters

agement double-speak and inane

later o n , as Mr. Vivian seems to

be Deputy Mayor of London. There

(when you're already five minutes

waffle, and work out if they intend

think, but that we might know G o d .

are only limited numbers of tickets

late for a lecture), or being forced

to do anything during the year (or

In knowing that he has given us a

available, so come on folks! To show

to wade; through a mountain of

whether they're just after some C V

way to come to him through Jesus

your interest, please e-mail sum-

election gumpf every time you turn

points). Which, of course, never

Christ, and his role in creating and and book your

around, is hardly my idea of fun.

happens. O h no.

preserving us, then we should, and

place for the event of the Millennium

Hell, I was a willing participant in

The second means of contact

can, be spending our time praying to

(oh bugger, referred to the millenni-

the whole process this time Inst

is through hustings. By asking the

him and thanking him. He is not

um, sorry!)

year, and it bored the hell out of

candidates the questions you want

me.... Sadly, however, this intensely

an answer to, you can not only find

boring spectacle is actually a really

out their views on all the key topics


someone who we should ignore, or ultimately can ignore. Mr. Vivian is right when he says

The Summer Ball Team

that Religion is waning, but this is not because G o d is any less important today than he was many years, or lous than we are, but because socie-

(and all the silly ones too), but it's

grinning idiots that we finally get

also your only chance to find out

around to electing will represent

what the candidates are like under


pressure. D o they go to pieces, or

departments, our wardens, our fin-

d o they stroll through tough ques-

our views and


that our ancestors were more credu-

important part of the year. The five

Dear Sir,

ty is choosing to ignore G o d , and

interests to

anciers and our government. They

tioning and hostile audiences (hus-

will be in regular contact with the

tings at St Mary's are traditionally a


people who control our daily lives

great test of this';? After all, it's

and the things we know about him.

members of the Conservative and

a n d , once in a while, they will actu-


His article is surely a reflection of that

Labour societies met for the purpos-

ally have the chance to affect the


es of an organised debate, we felt

decisions that the College makes.

At the end of Autumn

the ways we have to understand him,

Alastair Knott Physics 2. Dear Felix, Congratulations to Andy Vine for his article on religion (Scythe, 31

that the College was missing out in

So, much as you may not want

the absence of a debating society

to, I'm afraid you're going to have


to take an interest in the forthcom-

resolved to




towards doing something about it.

ing elections. By the time this edi-

Despite the effective absence of any

tion reaches your hands, a dozen




prospective sabbaticals have the ability to stand up for themselves and

stick to




remaining calm and presentable) when faced with hostility - they'll face that on a weekly basis at C o l lege meetings.

advertising, the event, a debate on

or so gallant / foolhardy / manipu-


lative / stupid individuals will have

ethereal aspects. All those posters might not tell you very much about





Finally, there

are the


January). It's surprising that so many

Underground, was considered suffi-

put their names forward, and will

supposedly fine minds


ciently successful to warrant repeat-

have begun their campaigns (I sus-

policies or ideals, but they'll prob-

the history of civilisation have spent

ing. O u r next meeting will cover the

pect that the wall-to-wall posters

ably give you an insight into the

so long debating the existence of

predictable yet pressing issue of

will probably have given this away).

candidates sense of humour and

G o d , the problem of evil and the

Britain's possible entry into the Euro-

However, with at least five or six

personality (and if they're promis-

nature of free will, when all it takes to

pean single currency. This will take

options to chose from for some of

ing to

sort the whole thing out is one sci-

place in the union Dining Hall at

the posts (ie President), how do you

this'll probably give you a pointer to their chances of success). The



ence undergrad with a page to fill

1:00 on Thursday, February 10. The

pick your preferred option? Well,

before Star Trek.

debate is free to enter, and there will

firstly there


most decisive factor, however, is

be no obligation to join either of the

manifestoes, which will (hopefully)

probably word of mouth. Ultimate-


appear in Felix this time next week.

ly, you're looking for a group of decent people who can get along with each other, so reputation and

Obviously anyone with a faith in this day and age is scientifically illit-

are the


Some may suggest a solid back-

admissions policy - at present we

( or patrick.hayes

ground of responsibility and Union

must be awarding degrees to sever- if you wish to speak, sug-

posts. Although these are useful (it

erate. Imperial should reconsider its

al hundred of these halfwits a year!



gest a topic for future debate or wish

certainly helps to know about the

I look forward to reading a the-

to put your name on a debating

way the Union and the College are

ologist's opinion of the chemical

mailing list. We look forward to see-

run before you start the job) they're


ing you.

certainly not the be all and end all



clouds in next week's issue.


Yours faithfully

Yours, A Christian

when it comes to selecting the best person for the job. Similarly, whilst

Alun Hart (Conservative Soc)

a solid set of polices and goals is

Paddy Hayes (Labour Soc)

admirable, between

All complaints should be addressed to the Editor. If no satisfactory reply is received, contact I C U Exec via the Union President





pointless idealism


image is everything. Somewhere along the line, someone you know probably knows each a n d every one of the candidates a little, so try and get their opinions - don't automatically vote like sheep, but don't discount the possibility that some of the candidates are, in fact, complete idiots. It has been known to happen.

monotonous pessimism, f o r example, I expect.that all the candidates


7 February 2000 * Felix




Reviews 19



S The Week At A Glance F r e q u e n c y

Artful Dodger - The Sound of U K G a r a g e Bellatrix - The Girl with Sparkling Eyes Buzzcocks - Spiral Scratch C a m p a g Velocet - Vito Satan Mariah Carey - Thank G o d I Found You DumDums - Everything Eeels - M r E's Beautiful Blues Fixed Stars - Every Night Gabriel le - Rise Larnbchop - Nixon Will O l d h a m - G u a r a p e r o Rachael Stamp - Hymns for Strange Children Raissa - Believer The Third Eye Foundation - Little Lost Soul

m e s


Destruction Derby 64 (N64) Tzar - Burden of the Crown (PC) The G a m e s team are looking for your feedback on their pages - address your (constructive) comments


and you could win a prize.

S c r e e n


American Pie Double Jeopardy End of Days Stigmata Interview Toy Story 2 This week's competition gives you the chance to win tickets to see Leonardo de C a p r i o in the Beach, plus copies of Alex G o r i a n d ' s original novel. The Times Higher Education Supplement - the source oSalf i i i f e , B o o k s

ID Guardian h e ^ | | ^ 3 p | ^ f ! ( ^ ( s S | ^ | { :

refuge Don't Read This If You're Stupid - Tibor Fischer

for investigative reportina.

Helen's Literary Review

!•• Anything in The Independent. Members of the government writing in The Sun


Leader columns

Krapp's Last Tape

O J Othello

• • • •

The nipple counter on the front of the Daily Sport, ensuring taste and decency prevail.

H i ci h I v



Yoyoi Kusama

20 Music

Felix Âť 7 February 2000


f r e q u e n c y


And once again it's time for music. Weil, I hope you've not been neglecting your ears recently, and if you've taken the chance to visit a

The Artful Dodger Rewind - The Sound of UK Garage (Ministry)

Will Oldham Guarapero (Domino)

few live concerts in the last few weeks, I'm sure you've

O K , I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert on garage - I mean, a lot of it's

I've been trying to visualise, whilst listening to

been having an excellent

quality, but I wanted to see if what was beneath the surface was good too. And

Guarapero, what Will O l d h a m should look

time. For some reason, the

I can now happily say that it is. O h yes. Garage works, and this latest double

like. He should be quite small, scraggly yet

early months of the year are

album offering mixed by the Artful Dodger really does come straight from the

huge of hair, wearing a big, woolly, rainbow

often the best time for con-

heart (ooh, that's poor - sorry) and widens up garage awareness by including

jumper, yet (in some strange, folky way) be

certs, and if you're

some of the best bits since UK garage really took off around '94.

visually stunning. This isn't really going any-


where as I have no idea what Will O l d h a m

pared to dip your hand in your pocket you could treat

Striking the match with his own Re-rewind The Crowd Say Bo Selecta, the Art-

looks like, but think of a Bob Dylan type char-

yourself to a quite a deli-

ful Dodger spins the tunes ably, running smoothly throughout with a quality mix

acter as you listen. Somewhat ugly to the ear


full of variety and flair playing from the M J Cole mix of Another Level's Guess

on the first hearing, slowly turning

/ Was A Fool to the pure, unadulterated guest appearance from James Brown

strange, mutated piece of beauty on second or

Funk O n Ah Roll (Bump 'n' Flex remix). To my mind anyway, any album that

third. You know what I'm talking about.




... frequency... get, get down

into a

features M r C o o l himself has to rock. And then there's the fact that it is, after all, Ministry's own label, and (to be fair) have they ever produced anything

These songs are a very confusing forty minutes

bad? Huh? O f course not. Fluent, infallible sound is manufactured at the

or so. The tunes are gorgeously emotional,

M O S , and this is really no exception.

deep feeling in every note, but with hysterically funny lyrics at the same time. Titles like Big

And my last words for this week must go to the terrible

The two and a half hour session contains some excellent beats and quality

Ba//s (yes, in THAT sense), d o kind of give the

new William Orbit album

tunes, and from the moment the deft undertones of DJ Luck and M C Neat's A

game away. I've got big balls and she's got

and the satanic majesty of

Little Bit Of Luck shine through the end of Rewind (What D O E S Bo Selecta

big balls" is the basic lyric, with the o d d

his production on the new mean?) you know it's going to play well, and it does. Through Basement Jaxx's

rhyming of 'testicles' to change the pace just a little.

Madonna record. Not only

Jump 'n' Shout and Doolally's Straight From The Heart, the first disc also

does his new album sound

includes US Alliance, Sunship and Robbie Craig, and the Artful Dodger him-

like it's been written o n a

self presents another two tunes, R U Ready, and Something. His fourth on the

From the very first second the marvel of Drink-

school Casio keyboard, but

album, Movin' Too Fast, features Romina Johnson, and for me is one of the

ing Woman, with its "A woman who drinks /

his new M a d o n n a collabo-

best tunes on the entire album - which I guess would make it one of the best

She rests her head and thinks / of drinks / She

ration is a hideous cover of

sounds of UK garage. O n e thing that puzzles me, however, is that the 1 9 9 6

thinks of drinks / and sleep / Though it's hours

the D o n M c C l a n e classic

tune which really broke UK garage overground, Double 99's RIP Groove isn't

before she sinks / her head and winks" lyrics,

American P/e! As well as

included anywhere. However, tribute is paid to the fathers Karl 'Tuff Enuff'

rings out.

being highly unnecessary,

Brown and Matt 'Jam' Lamont with their own Needs Good Love. Domino records specialise in the best of the

M r Orbit's production adds some tones that make the

The second disc contains, among others, Tina Moore's Never Gonna Let You

slightly obscure, with acts such as Pavement,

tune as painful as anything

Go, M J C o l e , Danny J Lewis, and one of the absolute best tunes from last year,

Smog, The Pastels and G a n g e r (to name but a

I've heard in years. Please,

Paul Johnson's Get Get Down (as danced to drunkenly on a podium in Spain's

few) - and Will O l d h a m rightly earns his place

if you've any decency d o

Pacha last summer by me - dohl). Truthfully, the Southampton based Artful

among them. The production in some parts is

not buy these records, a n d Dodger has worked this well and it really does give a good account of the

very basic, and the live sections are often hard

if you're one of the unlucky

quality of the UK garage scene. If you're a Gass club regular, or listen to Ice

to follow, but if you're a fan of Bob Dylan's style

people who bought Orbit's

or M a c F M (88.4 and 92.7) then you shouldn't be without this, and if not, then

and want a slightly more contemporary edge

album on the back of his definitely think about it. You know it's a good sound. But what does Bo Selec-

to it, Will O l d h a m is most definitely your man.

excellent Adagio

An outstanding take on 21st century blues.


ta MEAN....?

then d o yourself a favour and take it back. Nice.




Music 21

7 February 2000 ÂŤ Felix

f r e q u e n c y

Raissa Believer (Polydor)

Nixon (City Slang) There aren't many a l b u m s that c o m e with a list of rec-

Raissa is the latest bright young thing to emerge into the glaring lights of the UK p o p

o m m e n d e d reading. W e l l , there was M o b y ' s Play, but

scene. She's pretty, has a great voice, and has a batch of catchy melodic ditties ready

he's a bit of a nutcase: "If you eat meat you're a bas-

to w o o the public with. Sounds like a winning formula. But is it any g o o d ?

tard". That sort of thing. A s you may expect with a recording called Nixon,

the literature has a c r o o k e d -

Alanis Morrissette is the name that jumps into my mind as s o o n as Raissa starts to

past-presidential feel to it, with titles like Trick/ Dick And

sing. Her songs and style are strongly reminiscent of Jagged Little Pill. Take away most

The Pink Lady - but it does say " s u g g e s t e d " , so I didn't

of the angst and put in acoustic guitars and swooshing strings with a ' m o d e r n ' beat,

hot-foot it down to the library. M a y b e you're supposed

and you're there. Some of the tracks also sound a bit like M a d o n n a circa Ray of Light,

to read these books to get a n idea of the theory behind

especially Beautiful



the a l b u m . Whatever, I didn't. End of story. Believer is nice to listen to. U n d e m a n d i n g and unobtrusive, it makes for g o o d backI really don't know what to classify Nixon as. There's a

ground music. I played it to my girlfriend w h o said it was "absolutely brilliant", so

country thing g o i n g o n in there somewhere, a little slice

maybe I'm missing something. Certainly the music is distinctly un-masculine. It c a n

of Blind M e l o n ' s particular brand of rock, a kind of

be very touching, and songs like Step On Up bring a lump to the throat when Raissa

Counting Crows vibe (but more depressed) and a whole

gently coaxes us to "Step o n u p , to the stars / to the stars" over melting strings a n d

melange of other stuff. But it's those three major ele-

gently plucked acoustic guitars.

ments that are easiest to spot. Kurt W a g n e r ' s sometimes high-pitched, distressed vocals are very similar to S h a n -

The a l b u m does grow o n you after a few listens - always a g o o d sign. It implies that

non H o o n ' s , there is extensive use of slide guitar a n d

there is a d d e d depth there somewhere, even if you can't spot it the first time. M y

strings (fiddle as well as the more classical sweeping

favourite track is Believer,

orchestral sounds), a n d the subject matter a n d lyrics are

gle s o o n . The only track that has been released as a single, H o w Long D o I Get is

as abstract a n d beautiful as A d a m Duritz's. Tracks such

actually one of the less impressive. It seems quite bland c o m p a r e d to the rest of the

as (Fearless) The Book I Haven't

Read, The Butcher Boy

a n d I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't released as a sin-

a l b u m , but judging from last weeks Top of the Pops, that's what gets in the charts these days. Either that o r Steps clones. Steps. O f all the people to copy, is it really

and The Old Gold Shoe are prime examples.

worth copying Steps? The whole a p p e a l of Steps is their unique a n d open simplicity, The melodies that are present throughout give you a

plus I couldn't put up with more than one. Piss off S c o o c h .

smiley yet m e l a n c h o l i c sensation, as if you know that something g o o d won't last, o r that feeling you get when

I love Raissa's cute English accent that creeps in from time to time. There's no doubt

you've done a naughty thing that you're bound to get

that she is vocally talented - her voice is great, a n d her a d o r a b l e , soft, brown eyes

caught for. It's that fusion of contentment and woeful-

staring out at me from the C D cover almost say, " G o o n , give this five, you know you

ness that makes the a l b u m that tiny bit better than aver-

want t o . "

a g e . I think that they may have overplayed the whole despair business, because when it c a m e to the final

Towards the end of the album it all starts to get a bit weird (relatively), with distorted,

track I was sobbing into a tub of ice c r e a m and feeling

computerised vocals. Electronic bleeps mix with a slightly breakbeat rhythm. I like this

lonely. O K , so maybe I'm over exaggerating, but it

bit, especially the track She Bubble, as it is a lot less conventional than the rest of the

would be a terrible mistake to listen to this while o n

a l b u m , and it hints that there is more to Raissa than meets the eye.

Prozac or lithium carbonate - you'd be climbing the walls looking for s o m e o n e to talk to that wasn't inside

O v e r a l l this is formulaic - it's not particularly original or even new. But it's done well,

your h e a d . O n the other h a n d , if you aren't prone to

by a talented performer, and it's easy to listen to. A n d since when has originality mat-

depression, have a listen.

tered to the record-buying masses? Christian

Tom 6

Felix * 7 February 2000

22 Music



f r e q u e n c y

The Third Eye Foundation Little Lost Soul (Domino)

Rachel Stamp Hymns for Strange Children (Cruisin') Mention the name Rachel Stamp in a crowded r o o m , and the chances are most people won't

Pigeonholes are lovely things, especially when it

know who you're talking about. But there'll be some crazy, mixed-up kid in the corner who

comes to music. There's nothing handier when

has a wicked glint in their eye at the thought of "the Stamp". Rachel Stamp is not a girl, but

trying to describe a band to s o m e o n e who's never

3 boys and a girl who play punk rock for the twisted. I'll never forget the night they played

heard them

at the U n i o n . dBs was transformed from the usual gentle bopping with A b b a to a frenzied

p u n k / a c i d jazz etc". A n d then a l o n g comes The

moshpit, with arms, feet, sweat a n d tears flying everywhere. The b a n d distorted the air with


their crashing riffs a n d exploding drums, leaving a trail of glitter and feathers behind them.

another of his "drum 'n' b a s s / h i p - h o p / n o i s e / c l a s -


- "They're i n d i e - r o c k / p o p -

Eye Foundation

( a k a . Matt



Each band member was wearing a floral dress, and sported the most intensely coloured hair

sical/ambient/soundtrack " a l b u m s . At the mo', it's

you c a n imagine. There was something vaguely disturbing about a man wearing green

a pretty empty p i g e o n h o l e .

bunches and lipstick snarling at you about being tied up. Did I say vaguely? I meant intensely! I still have the cork he spat out into the crowd. I'm g l a d to say that the wine that a c c o m panied it washed out easily.

Violins play off wired breakbeats whilst a swarm of locusts attack in the b a c k g r o u n d . A singer from the 4 0 s is m a u l e d by a distorted synth riff from

But memories like this don't wash out, and I have to say that I was disappointed that their

hell. Evil sub-bass rallies round a brass b a n d ,

new a l b u m , Hymns for Strange Children

whilst Roni Size falls over some drums in the

didn't have the same intensity. The whole time I was

listening, I was thinking how much better it would sound live. O n C D , the guitars have been

b a c k g r o u n d . S o , this is truly o r i g i n a l , but also

quietened d o w n , a n d the synth has been brought to the front, giving the songs a gentler feel,

bloody weird a n d inaccessible. It's t o o edgy for

as o p p o s e d to the raw g l a m - p u n k explosion of their live show.

b a c k g r o u n d music, a n d t o o abstract for close attention. But still, in Elliot, it is evidence of a

Don't underestimate this t h o u g h . The songs are still fast-moving, heavy-rocking, three minute

maverick a n d intelligent m u s i c i a n , with a black

bursts. Subjects range from sex to music, from regret to joy, all with a large slice of angst o n

streak of humour (his last a l b u m , called You Guys

the side. Singer D a v i d Ryder-Prangley has the perfect voice for the music, ranging from

Kill Me, featured Jesus o n the cover)

effeminate, breathless, tenderness to raw, snarling outrage.

through the a l b u m . However, there is nothing


While there are some great tracks here, such as / W a n n a be Your Doll and Ladies + Gents

With A Pistol.

(with those fantastic lines, "Everybody knows that girls are stupid / Everybody knows that girls

noise and sweet tune worked wonders, whereas

here that tops his wicked recent single In Bristol There, the marriage of swelling

are evil / Everybody knows that girls are the devil'), this standard is just not maintained

here it can tend to grate, as another song drifts

throughout the a l b u m . The songs also have little variety to them, all being fast and noisy, rac-

past the eight-minute mark.

ing to get to the e n d . Tracks such as My Sweet Rose show that they c a n be subtler if they want to, but they have chosen not to. I think this lets the a l b u m d o w n , and it can get a bit tedious

So it ain't for Steps fans. But there are still some

listening to one angry burst after another.

fantastic and unpredictable moments. There's no

O n the w h o l e , I think this should be viewed as a collection of individual songs, rather than

or Tortoise shouldn't dig some o' this ill shit. Pas-

an a l b u m . There is some quality there, but I know that Rachel Stamp can d o better.

toral Aphex Twin anyone?

reason why s o m e o n e who listens to, say, M o g w a i




If anyone would like to join the music team here at Felix then they should drop into the office at 12.30pm on Tuesdays and Fridays. O n Fridays we sort out the music and on Tuesdays we sort out the clubs, which with any luck will be back next week. Nice.

7 February 2000 • Felix



f r e q u e n c y Buzzcocks Spiral Scratch





Time's Up,


Mr E's Beautiful Blues

Fixed Stars


Every Night

Boredom and Friends Of

(GoBeort) "Knock, knock, knocking


Mine - four songs record-

A sort of contemporary version of

ed live in 1976, a couple

"sweets for my sweet, sugar for my Well, whoever fixed the Fixed Stars


of years before this total-

honey" with a sanitised ska mix and

heaven's door. Knock,

ly outstanding punk band

some growly vocals to separate the ing and evidently possessed the musi-


hit the big time. These

hooks. It made me want to g o out cal appreciation of a lettuce. Rememand buy one of the Trojan box sets. ber Lightning Seeds horrid experiment

heaven's door". She may




on heaven's door. Knock, was clearly untrained in the art of fix-

knocking knocking

on on

have been a slight novel-

absolutely perfect pop-

Just sing-a-long to The Searchers and

with Life's Too Short - this is like that,

ty with her eye patch and

ness of Ever Fallen In

listen to the top Mellotron usage.

only it smells just that little bit worse.

silly wavy hair, but having

Love? or What Do / Get?


but you c a n sense the

going to fool me with a

both she's not

beginnings of something



Clapton cover.



• ssz

Mariah Carey


Thank G o d I Found You

The Girl with the


Sparkling Eyes (Fierce Panda)

If you're a big M a r i a h

Campag Velocet


fan then I expect you'll

Vito Satan


Not unlike Sonya M a d a n

(Good Behaviour)


really like this - but it's (Pias) just like all the others.



doing the vocals over a

Again. Sounds nice but

Brooding guitar based skunk rock

The DumDums look like a corporate,

quirky guitar based Bis


led by Pete Voss' distinctive snarl

put together indie/ska/punk Boyzone.

track. Bellatrix are anoth-



you heard it before. A


a cockney

From their hair, denim and brand new


bonus, however, is that

Liam G a l l a g h e r and Ian Brown). As

adidas trainers alone, I loathe them.

export. The song is very

she's supported

by a

close as this lot will c o m e to a ten-

But, the A side has a lovely tune, even

catchy and simple, with

named J o e . Just

der b a l l a d . N o t quite the saviours

though they are all of the above.

an angular tune running

of the British rock scene, but they

Expect to hear this song a great deal,

throughout. This isn't a


Joe. C o o l .




are certainly a band doing some-

as it will be a chart hit. O n the plus

single which will provoke

thing a bit more daring and inter-

side, though, the other tracks (as


esting than the majority.

expected) were absolute tripe. So

reaction - it is, however

..Singles reviews by

they'll be as big as the Stereophonies

very likable and, at best,

Andy, Louise and

in a year then.





Felix • 7 Febuary 2000 In association




PreviewJzar-Burden of the Crown (PC)

Destruction Derby 64 (N64)

I love being a games reviewer - I get to play games like Tzar months

If you've been looking for a decent smash-em-up racer on the N 6 4 these past years, no doubt you've been very disappointed with the results. Put

before anyone else has even heard of them.

simply, before now there hasn't been one. A n d while Destruction Derby O n first seeing Tzar, I have to say I was a little disappointed. O n the sur-

64 from T H Q isn't exactly the game we've all been dying for, it's certainly

face, it looks like a direct copy of that classic RTS, Warcraft 2 . But while

the pick of the current crop out there.

much of the basic structure a n d game play is copied almost exactly from the much loved Warcraft, there's e n o u g h new stuff here to grab the inter-

The idea behind this game is to race and crash. You get points for pass-

est of even the most cynical gamer. The overall effect of the game is kind

ing checkpoints along the tracks, a n d even more for earth-shuddering

of hard to describe: try to imagine a blend of A g e of Empires with War-

collisions between yourself a n d the rival drivers. There is no finish line as

craft, and you'd c o m e pretty close (I think). It goes beyond the normal

such - instead cars continue to race until there is only one left standing,

"build farm/mine a n d get resources" model of other RTS games - your

at which time all the points are totalled up a n d the winner is a n n o u n c e d .

peasants c a n fish, keep cows a n d farm crops to get f o o d , trade goods

Thus you may find yourself caught in the thick of the action a n d retire

with each other and even gamble in pubs if you want them to. I've always

early, only to discover that you accumulated enough points from smash-

found g o d games like C a e s a r a n d Pharaoh very addictive, a n d Tzar does

ing into your competitors to finish first overall. The problem is that, in

give some of the sense of controlling a whole community you get with

order to have spectacular collisions, groups of cars start at opposite ends

games of that type.

and travel in opposite directions. The first collision will result in a gor-

The most striking thing about Tzar is its depth. The research tree is large,

the race continues a n d cars drop out, you'll be doing much more driving

a n d the number of units available is equally big. The g a m e seems to have

and the chances of collision decline. I often found myself swearing when

been designed with very large-scale combat in mind - I have had fights

I missed colliding with a car coming from the opposite direction, since it

with the computer with close to a hundred infantry on each side at times.

meant I'd have to wait a whole lap before I got another chance to hit

Played properly, a large g a m e of Tzar will take a long time to finish, but


geous orgy of grinding metal, a n d it's great fun to be in there. But, as

with ever more powerful a n d expensive units available as you research and build new structures, there's always something new to d o . Some may

Some of the tracks are arenas, a n d it's here that you'll lap up the most

find the initial preparation a n d building a little long-winded, but if you're

fun from the g a m e . The basic premise in these arenas is just to smash

prepared to think about strategy games rather than just blindly clicking

into the other vehicles - there are no checkpoints to pass a n d the cars are

'attack', Tzar is great fun to play.

all packed in a small enough a r e a , so there is constant action. In multi-

The single player c a m p a i g n has twenty-five missions to play, which should

than any of the others.

player especially this is a hoot, and you'll be playing these levels more keep you busy for a while. The c a m p a i g n is much more like a role playing g a m e than the traditional RTS c a m p a i g n - it actually has a storyline

The graphics are alright but we expect more from o u r machines these

that follows through from mission to mission. M y only complaint would

days, and it would have been better if we could have seen the d a m a g e

be that you are often left to wander around the m a p aimlessly, trying to

in expansion pak boosted high-res. I absolutely love to see my car tak-

work out what to d o next - which isn't much fun after a while.

ing punishment from it's crashes, a n d thankfully real-time d a m a g e has

While most of the combat in Tzar is limited to charging your swordsmen

d a m a g e , and since most of the collisions are head o n you rarely get to

in while your archers fire from way back, there are quite a few specialist

see more than a missing bonnet and a n occasiona l warped back.

been included. However, there simply aren't enough variations in this

units around that require closer control, including some really cool dragons. Even if you can't play multiplayer, the computer players are extreme-

Destruction Derby 64 is a great idea for a g a m e , a n d initially it's great

ly hard to beat. They don't fall into the classic RTS computer player trap

fun too. You'd just expect that little bit more from the g a m e , especially

of always attacking the same bit of your base - they will actually outflank

when it's already had two outings on the Playstation (with a third in the

your defenses a n d attack your resource-gathering peasants if they get a

pipeline). If, like me, you're really into causing d a m a g e , you'll like this

chance. Tzar definetely seems to be a g a m e to look forward to in the year

game whatever, although the feeling that it could have been better will


always linger. Ben




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26 Films

Felix « 7 February 2000







J 1 1 J.Im n 1

% to «*

The Beach Competition

What's On At ICU Cinema

This week, the O d e o n Kensington, Penguin Books a n d Screen have

This week at our very own cinema, you'll find the Arnie flick End O f Days

teamed up to give you the chance to win a host of prizes. We not only

and the high school comedy American Pie. C h e c k the posters on the walk-

have five pairs of tickets to give away for Leonardo Di C a p r i o ' s new film

way for times and dates of showings

The Beach, but we also have copies of the book of the same name by Alex Garland.

End O f Days New York City, 1 9 7 9 : In a Manhattan hospital, a beautiful baby girl enters

Just imagine being told that a paradise island is out there and you get

the world. That same day the Pope is informed of the birth of the child. Her

given a map to guide you to it. What would you do? This is basically the

birth has been feared for centuries. The scripture has indeed proven true:

premise of The Beach. Richard (Di Caprio) is an American backpacker

the child, Christine, bears the birthmark of the anti-Christ, and has been

who has been told about such an island and been given such a map. H e

chosen for an unholy union. Following an unorthodox baptism in the hos-

persuades some fellow travellers to join him in his quest to find it, and

pital's morgue, she is returned to her mother. But things are far from nor-

eventually they find this paradise which has a small community of trav-

mal. The inevitable countdown to d o o m has begun. New York City,

ellers. Richard and co decide to join these travellers - but all is not as per-

December 2 8 , 1 9 9 9 : As the world approaches the end of a century and

fect as it seems.

the end of a millennium, it is the beginning of the end. Jericho C a n e

Essentially, this has the potential to be an ace film considering who has

day, oblivious to the struggle that he soon must face. Christine, who has

(Arnold Schwarzenegger), a beaten down ex-cop, wakes up to another written, directed and produced it. Danny Boyle (director), Andrew M a c -

grown into a beautiful young w o m a n , has spent her entire life on medica-

donald (producer) and John H o d g e (screenplay writer) have all worked

tion, trying to numb the pain from the disturbing thoughts which haunt her.

together before to bring us some fantastic films, so if this is anything like

Now, as the world stands on the brink of the new millennium, it is up to

them, we'll be in for a treat.

C a n e to protect Christine - and all mankind - from witnessing the end of days. And it is in this, the darkest hour, that all mankind must have faith..

So, would you like to win some O d e o n film tickets or a book? If you would, figure out the answer to this weeks question, which is:

American Pie In terms of crudity, American Pie simply is o n a whole new level. This cer-

Name all the films that Danny Boyle, Andrew Macdonald and

tainly isn't the kind of movie you'd take your mother to (or your girlfriend

John Hodge have worked on together since 1994

for that matter), but nonetheless it has moments of genuine comic bril-

[ Hint: There are five to name ]

teenagers in their final year of High School make a pact to lose their vir-

To be in with a chance of winning a prize, e-mail your answer to film.felix

ventures in a series of misguided attempts to get their end away. An aver-

© before 12pm o n Wednesday and keep your fingers crossed. If

age night in the Union you might think, but these guys are sadder, more

you have a preference for a book or ticket prize then write book or film in

desperate and more full of lame chat-up lines than anyone you might have

liance amongst the rapid-fire gags. The premise is simple - a group of four ginity before they graduate, and promptly set about a variety of misad-

the subject heading of the e-mail. The winners of last week's contest

met at IC - they will, quite literally, do anything. I won't give away too many

(which offered the chance to win a pair of tickets to see the fantastic Amer-

of the jokes, for fear of ruining some of the most inspired (or sick, depending on your point of view) moments, but suffice to say you can't understand

ican Beauty) were:

the meaning of the word "depraved" until you've seen a teenager attempt to shag an apple pie...

L Shankar P Rowlands

The problem, however, is that once you've identified the level that the

A Tang G Taylor

movie's operating o n , the jokes become phenomenally obvious - and fre-

J Fisher

quently you'll find the entire cinema laughing hysterically five minutes

Please call by the Felix office to collect your prizes. And for those of you

matters much (the cast list peaks out with Willow from Buffy), but you're

before the punchline arrives. Admittedly the quality of the stars doesn't help who are wondering what the answer to last week's question was, the solu-

nonetheless left with a distinct feeling that you could probably have writ-

tion was that Thomas N e w m a n connects American

ten something not entirely dissimilar yourself, given about a week off from

shank Redemption

and The Green


Beauty, The Shaw-




7 February 2000 ÂŤ Felix








Toy Story 2

Double Jeopardy

When the original Toy Story was released in 1 9 9 5 , it proved to be a land-

Happily married couple Nick (Bruce G r e e n w o o d ) a n d Libby Parsons

mark production, being the first feature length film animated entirely

(Ashley Judd) reside peacefully with child in b a c k w o o d s A m e r i c a . Dur-

using computer technology. It went o n to rate third o n the all time high-

ing a dirty weekend on a sailboat, Libby awakes to find blood every-

est grossing animations list (behind Aladdin

where and her husband g o n e . W h e n she is arrested a n d convicted of

a n d the Lion King). Since

then, we've most notably h a d Antz a n d A Bug's Life, each of which

her husband's murder, Libby herself resigns to her fate and gives cus-

appealed to adults and kids by following in Toy Story's unintentional foot-

tody of her child to her friend Annabeth (Angela G r e e n ) .

steps. All seems n o r m a l , until her friend abruptly

uproots a n d serendipity

So, by telling you that Toy Story 2 is set to be one of the highest grossing

reveals her husband is - o h my goodness gracious - still alive. Shocked

films of all time, you can be rest assured this film is not just meant for kid-

and bemused, Libby tries everything to remedy the situation. As her

dies. In fact, rather boringly, I can tell you that over 6 0 % of the audience

options peter out and her hope fades, a conveniently convicted law

in America were adults. Yes, it's about toys, and yes, it's Disney, but it's a

graduate (who just happens to be incarcerated alongside her) informs

winner for both age groups because of two simple facts. Firstly, it is visu-

her of the double jeopardy clause. Under this l o o p h o l e , she can exe-

ally stunning. The animation, by Pixar, is so advanced that you watch it

cute her husband a n d not face the c o n s e q u e n c e s , as she will have

like a film, not a cartoon. It gives you a visual overdose of stunning

already served her time in prison for the charge of murder. Duly ener-

graphics. Secondly, the depth of the characterisation and storytelling is as

gised she lives out her sentence by spending her time working out (cue

good as any real film, due to the novel script and engaging characters.

cheesy Rocky scenes). Six years later, Libby is finally p a r o l e d . Travis

All the old characters are back, and the same actors as in the original Toy

any departure from the rules, and when Libby does try to track down

Story do all their voices. The new characters are from "Woody's Roundup",

her son, Lehman pursues her.

Lehman (Tommy Lee Jones), is a tough parole officer who won't allow

a TV show in which W o o d y (the cowboy) starred during the 1950s. In it, his sidekick was the cowgirl Jessie (voiced by Joan Cusack), while his

As cultured c inem a goers, we enjoy fine acting, diverse plots and c a p -

horse was called Bullseye. Kelsey G r a m m a r voices the final character,

tivating scripts. We left the cinema not only disappointed but extremely

The Prospector, a kindly old fellow who is not all that he seems. The story

empty. The acting was w o o d e n and unconvincing from A n g e l a J u d d ;

revolves around a malevolent toy collector, who kidnaps Woody so that

Tommy Lee Jones photocopied his character from the Fugitive a n d US

he can make his collection of toys from "Woody's Roundup" complete, in


order to sell them to a museum for lots of money. O f course, this leaves

which should be burned.

Their talents were squandered in this waste of c inem a roll

Buzz Lightyear and c o to g o a n d rescue Woody, while fighting a new enemy, Zurg.

The o n e - d i m e n s i o n a l plot was as sterile as a radioactive p a n d a . It

While the story does not seem to be a million miles from the original,

around the plot like square bricks in a round hole. Side plots were

made sense but didn't

flow. The peripheral

characters were fitted

what does make Toy Story 2 different to its predecessor is that it is written

briefly glimpsed, but were quickly squashed by the juggernaut central

with adults in mind as well as the younger generation. However, this man-

plot. The script kept a constant rate of one cliche per minute that made

ifests itself in a number of excellent film takeoffs (Star Wars, Tron), and not

everything that much more predictable, and when not in cliche mode

really in the dialogue. O c c a s i o n a l l y there are jokes that are not aimed for

the dialogu e was corny. Although this is a dull film in g e n e r a l , a few

younger children, but their subtlety means that they are not derogatory to

scenes stand out from the crowd, including the sinking red metro a n d

their intelligence. Indeed, it is they who get their own back by under-

the atmospheric bloodstained awakening of A n g e l a J u d d . Don't worry

standing some other references far better than we will.

about these t o o much, however, as there should be just e n o u g h space on the trailer to fit them all in.

Most family films have a stigma attached to them in student circles admittedly usually for g o o d reasons. However, if there was one film that

Although more of a chick flick we still wouldn't advise anyone to spend

should buck this trend, it is this one. If you can handle the uncool appear-

their time watching this "See you o n TV next Christmas" turkey. In c o n -

ance of yourself going into the cinema to see it, you will be treated to one

clusion, this boring, meaningless, film shouldn't have been m a d e . I

of the films of the year.

wouldn't even bother watching it on video. Drew

Chris a n d Mark

Felix • 7 February 2000

28 Films

David Morgan interviews the director of Stigmata Born in 1962 and educated at Oxford University,

Are you happy with the way the film has been

Rupert Wainwright is an up and coming director


whose most recent work is the new horror movie Stigmata.

Check out this interview and find out

what he's got to say.

I a m very happy with the theatrical trailer. I

The film is at times fairly critical of the Catholic Church as an institution. Was that something you were keen to address?

thought that did a really good job of indicating the

Not initially, no. But the more I discovered

range of different ideas and storylines. I wasn't

about the way the Vatican has hoarded all this

quite so crazy about some of the TV ads. They

stuff... Basically, there was this guy wandering

seemed to be very Blair Witch-y, which the film

around Israel two thousand years ago saying a


actually came across the script some time

obviously isn't. It's very difficult to sell this film in

bunch of stuff. About two hundred years after his


How extensive a role have you played in it

thirty seconds. Basically, they went for sensation

death, these gospels started floating about, and


rather than story.

no one knows which one is more or less relevant. When the Romans adopted Christianity in 3 2 5 A D

It's one of those stories that people say "how long did it take to get the movie made". O n one

How much do you believe in the story of the miss-

they tried to organise the church, which up until

hand, six years wandering around throwing it at

ing gospel?

that time had been a disorganised religion; it was

people and hearing them say " n o " , before I

In 1945 two Egyptian guys who were on the

walked into a guy's office and pitched it to him in

run from the police were digging for peat to take

secret and scattered. What I say about the Catholic Church is that

one line. I said it's about this girl who doesn't

home. O n e of them broke the ground with a

it is more Roman than Catholic. They have taken

believe in G o d and she gets the wounds of Jesus.

shovel and found a vase. He figured there would

all the rough edges off Christianity and tried to put

A priest comes from the Vatican and tries to help

be gold in there so he broke it open. This golden

it all into one box. They don't want anyone to

her. I sent him the script and he called me to say

dust spread out. It was leather dust, because there

know what's going on outside the box. It's an

it wasn't as g o o d as the pitch. From the moment

were one hundred and thirteen leather books in

enormous shame for Christians a n d agnostics

the script was bought for M G M , I was very

there. He took them home, but because he was

alike. It's easy to be anti-Vatican, and I almost

involved with the writing. It's one of those movies

wanted by the police he couldn't leave the house,

jump on that bandwagon. They have an enor-

where there's so much to find out about that I

so he gave the books to his mother. She couldn't

mous repository of what they call the secret

really became obsessed with it... In the original

read, so she used them for kindling. After a while

archives, which would be fascinating for Chris-

draft of the script, there was nothing about this

they thought they could flog them to a tourist.

tians and agnostics to know about - but they won't

missing gospel. I started trying to find out how the

They found an antiques dealer and they sold them

let any of it out, which is a shame.

movie could end. In the original ending, she liter-

to him. He eventually flogged them to a guy was

ally hovered up into heaven surrounded by the

running a museum in Cairo. They slowly started

Dalai Lama, C N N and the Pope. I thought, well,

translating them. They took a long time to trans-

this might not work.

late as it was just after the war. Gradually, the

There was an interesting bit about half way through where she spoke Aramaic; she just spoke the last words of Jesus on the cross. S o , I started rummaging around the New Testament trying to find out what else she could say or do. I came across this book called, " W h o wrote the New Testament?" This is a really fascinating book. Essentially, it examines all the strands in the four gospels. I found out about this gospel that's sometimes called the fifth gospel, the gospel of St Thomas. As we said at the end of the movie this was found in 1 9 4 5 . S o , I started working that in. The words "split a piece of wood and I am there" are straight from that gospel. It's something I got obsessed with.

word got out that they were copies of very early gospels. A copy of one of them was smuggled out of the institute in 1949 and translated in Switzerland. That was the gospel of St. Thomas. This whole treasure trove of early gospels has been translated. Some of them are a bit mad, but the gospel of Thomas has stood out as one of the most apparently authentic. By looking at it, experts of New Testament theology indicate it may have been written as early as 5 0 AD. That means that it predates the four gospels of the New Testament by one hundred to one hundred and fifty years. It's very highly regarded in the world of New Testament theology as a crucial aspect of trying to understand what Jesus said.

Can you describe the style of your film? There are two styles to the film. O n e is very lock down camera, very quiet, just listening to the words. The other is much more impressionistic. I was trying to take you inside the head of someone who thought they were being crucified. I didn't want to d o something that was like masterpiece theatre, so you fell asleep and described it later. I wanted to make you understand. I've done a lot of research about what people say that they felt when crucified. I wanted to try and make you live through it. There are a lot of references in the film to dn ferent sorts of movies. For example, Altered States was one of the movies I watched a lot. It takes you inside the mind of someone who is going mad, and you understand cultural references that are going on inside his brain.

7 February 2000 * Felix

Books 29



Don't Read This Book if You're Stupid





TUESDAY 8TH BINARY MYTHS 2, Conference Centre, British Library, Euston Road

Tibor Fischer

1 8 : 1 5 - 1 9 : 3 0 . As the readership of poetry is little more than the number of poets producing poems, what are the motivations of poetry edi-

In this selection of seven short stories, Tibor Fischer races us through a

tors? This and other questions will be addressed by a panel of poets

selection of Londoners both home and a b r o a d . W e meet a failed web-

and poetry editors. £ 5 / £ 4 ; phone: 0 2 0 7 7 4 1 2 7 3 3 2 ; tube: Kings

page designer ogling women tanning on the Cote d'Azur, an unemployed

Cross St Pancras

Wild West enthusiast, and take a look at the underworld of London standup comedy. If this were not e n o u g h , we also visit a Brixton prison, a G e r -

CRITICAL STATE Voice Box, Royal Festival H a l l , South Bank Centre

man bookshop and Midwest America. Although their activities are differ-


ent, there is a c o m m o n theme to their lives. These are people who have

Banville, Mavis G a l l a n t and Cynthia O z i c k celebrate some of the crit-

not quite made it.

C o n c l u d i n g the current



series, writers


ics who have influenced their work, and discuss their views on criticism as a form of literature. £ 6 . 5 0 / £ 4 ; phone: 0 2 0 7 9 6 0 4 2 4 2 ; tube:

Fischer relates the downside of London. There is a sense of loneliness and


helplessness that pervades the lives of all his characters. M or e than this, he offers a new look at Londoners themselves - their sharply honed ignor-


ing skills, the cynicism with which they view life, and their contempt for all things linked with tourists.

G E O F F WEST & CHRIS THOMAS Conference Centre, British Library, Despite its gritty, pessimistic message, this book is a g o o d (almost c o m -

Euston Road 18:15 - 1 9 : 3 0 . The late 19th century was a period of

pulsive) read. Fischer's unique ability for clever writing keeps you turning

great expansion for the library's foreign collections. West a n d Thomas

the pages. His stories focus o n the moment in much the same way as his

discuss why, focusing in particular o n the collection of work by Sergei

characters live for the now. But, in spite of this, the stories are diverse.

Sobolevsky. £ 3 . 5 0 (no concessions); phone: 0 2 0 7 7 4 1 2 7 3 3 2 ; tube:

Some are intimate and personal whereas others are off-hand journalistic

Kings Cross St Pancras

accounts. Fischer's skill lies in finding that fine line between wit and wisdom, and treading it with ease. To top it all off he throws in a g o o d deal

J O A N N A TROLLOPE Waterstone's, 1 5 0 - 1 5 2 Kings Road, Chelsea

of realism and acceptance of life's perversities. As Fischer is a South Lon-

18:30 - 2 1 : 3 0 . A unique opportunity to meet and learn from one of

doner himself, his stories have also gained a g o o d degree of accuracy.

Britain's most popular authors, who will be conducting a seminar o n how to write a bestselling novel. £ 3 5 ; phone: 0 2 0 7 351 2 0 2 3 ; tube:

Added to this there is a wealth of information on offer. You can learn how

Sloane Square

to pick a driver in the middle of a Romanian civil war, or discover how to make people laugh with just your foreskin. There is even a simple guide


to being a serial killer. This book has been ten years in the making and includes a number of

STEWART C O N N & MICHAEL O'SIADHAIL Voice Box, Royal Festival

works previously published in G r a n t a , New Writing and the TLS as well as

H a l l , South Bank Centre 1 9 : 3 0 . The two a c c l a i m e d poets will be read-

several new stories and a novella. However, this is by no means a cobbled

ing from and discussing their work. £ 5 / £ 3 ; p h o n e : 0 2 0 7 9 6 0 4 2 4 2 ;

together effort by a desperate writer - each story is able to stand up to a

tube: Waterloo

good deal of scrutiny. The title is less to warn off the stupid than the easily offended, a n d even if you are stupid this is a perfect book to first


encounter Tibor Fischer. Fischer's black comedy Under the Frog about the antics of a Hungarian basketball team was shortlisted for the Booker Prize.

TITANIA HARDIE Waterstone's, Harrods, O l d Brompton Road 1 1:30 1 2 : 3 0 . The author will be signing copies of her books Hocus, Focus and Bewitched:




Titania's book of love spells. Free; tube:

Felix Âť 7 February 2000

30 Arts








Krapp's Last Tape

Yayoi Kusama

New Ambassador - Nearest tube: Leicester Square

Serpentine Gallery, Kensington G a r d e n s

Until: 11 M a r c h

Until: 19 M a r c h

ÂŁ5 - ÂŁ 2 2

Admission: Free

Krapp's Last Jape, by Samuel Beckett, is not what could be called easy view-

A room painted in acid-trip yellow and full o f g i a n t tubes and blobs, as in

ing. Although it lasts only one hour, it is one of the most intense and mov-

a dreamscape. This is really fabulous installation art! After you have taken

ing performances London theatre has to offer. Genius in its simplicity, the

off your shoes (are you entering a Buddhist temple?), you can actually

play is concerned with Krapp, played by the fantastic John Hurt, on his 69th

walk about within the sculpture. O r how about the large octagonal box.

birthday. As he records a retrospect of the year that just passed, he replays

Look through its porthole and you see an infinitely reflected kaleidoscope

passages at random from the earlier tapes. For the occasion, he plays the

of flashing fairground lights.

tape he made thirty years ago. As Krapp remembers the past events of his youth, we are treated to a torturous a n d humbling experience, which

All this interactive art and more can be found in this diverse exhibition from

explores the ravages and deterioration caused by the passage of time.

the artist, poet and novelist Yayoi Kusama. Born 7 0 years a g o in Japan,

John Hurt is immensely powerful as the aging and cantankerous Krapp. His

aftermath. She emigrated to the U S A , stopping first in Seattle (apparently

gravely, chipped voice crackles out from the stage, beautifully capturing

to see Frasier and Niles!) before moving to New York City in the summer

every intonation in Beckett's script. A n overhead lamp illuminates a simple

of 1 9 5 8 . P r e - 1 9 5 8 , she worked mostly in the classical Japanese style

set, consisting of just a chair and a desk. The enveloping darkness (which

( G o d of the Wind, 1 955), but the move to N e w York was the shock of the

surrounds all) gives the audience a sense of loneliness, both Krapp's and

new that drove her work to Western abstraction.

Kusama grew up during the darkness of W W 2 and studied art in its ruined

their own In New York, she fell under the influence of the leading lights of Pop Art, Samuel Beckett was born in Dublin in 1906, and his better known works

getting to know artists like C l a e s O l d e n b u r g a n d Andy Warhol. Even

include Waiting for Godot and End Game. He wrote nineteen plays in total

today, many of her works (Dots Obsession, 1996) continue to show the

- all of which were performed at the Beckett festival at the Barbican last

monumental influence of classic O l d e n b u r g . The Surrealist and European

summer - and although he is renowned for being difficult, this is one of his

Minimalist movements have also informed her work; she even exhibited

more accessible pieces.

with the greatest of minimalists, Yves Klein.

The play is highly autobiographical, with subtle references from Beckett's

However, Kusama did not simply churn out pale imitations. By her own

own painful past, which leaves the feeling that what is experienced is an

admission, her art is uniquely informed by the bouts of psychotic mental

intensely fragile, private world. By introducing the tape recorder, he explores

illness that she has struggled with since her adolescence. It is easy to see

the use of worlds as a refuge from the gross facts of experience. The pathos

the resonances of her often tormented mind: there is something deeply

of life and the search for meaning, repressed in society, are openly dissect-

disconcerting and disorientating. Driving Image ( 1 9 5 9 - 1 9 6 4 ) , a series of

ed. Through Krapp's self-reflection, the audience are individually chal-

mannequins painted in vibrant polka dots, struck me as alarmingly sinis-

lenged to evaluated their own solitude and suffering. By switching off the


tape when painful memories are reached, we are shown his sensitivity to the loss, which is glossed over by the narrative. He denies certain parts of his

Her countless sculptures encrusted with penises, from clothes to a life-size

life and dwells on others. The play could be termed as " post-modern" (an

rowing boat, are amusing - but they d o carry a disturbing charge (if only

excellent word to drop into conversations at parties) in that it doesn't

to the male half of the population). This is especially the case when viewed

attempt to answer the awesome questions which it raises. Indeed, it sug-

in the light of the unanaesthetised corrective surgery performed by the

gests that there is no universal answer, and that life is spent attempting to

infamous Mrs Bobbitt! Is this the revenge of the wives a n d girlfriends

avoid this realisation. It is the responsibility of the individual to find mean-

against all the chauvinists? Kusama may well have intended it to be taken

ing in existence. Hard going! It is the introspection this provokes that makes

this way, for she was forever slowed by the terrible treacle of sexism, both

it such an unsettling and powerful play. If you think you can handle it, then

in Japan and in the USA. But maybe it is also that terrible treacle which

I highly recommend it.

makes her work so fascinating... Ally-pally Esq

William Burns


7 Febuary 2000 * Felix







OJ Othello

Proud Galleries

Riverside Studio


Nearest tube: Charring Cross

Nearest tube: Hammersmith

ÂŁ1.50 Cone.

ÂŁ10 Cone. the dead man in the electric chair. Perhaps it was


I don't know much about O J Simpson, and

Nazi soldiers measuring an old man's nose -

not that much about Othello - but neither of

bizarre as this may sound, it was common practice

those facts mattered. There is a rather obvi-

to measure noses, as a big nose was seen as con-

ous parallel; they are both alleged to have

clusive proof of Judaism. It was the image of such

killed their wives, having both suspected their

a bizarre practice, coupled with the fact that we

partners of "playing the field". The produc-

now know what will have happened to the man if

tion was a devised piece of drama, intent on

indeed his nose was too big. The next picture along

examining the feelings that the murderous

was a train packed with those o n the way to the

husband has towards his wife. There was no

concentration camps.

doubt that the crimes were condemned and

The images are often disturbing - so why bother

er, the main focus was not to persuade the

portrayed as the most terrible of acts. Howevgoing? There is no doubt that seeing them is not

audience of the hideousness of the crimes -

particularly pleasant, but the pictures are thought

the production was far braver than that. We

provoking, scary, and often humbling. There seems

were given the point of view of the jealous,

Dead journalists, cannibals and the KKK at the fes-

little chance of ever being free from the unseen

murderous, husband. At no time were the

tival of Britain. There are even worse pictures at the

powers that be, who decide what we can see and

actions condoned - but glimpses of under-

exhibition Underexposed.

what we can't. Maybe just getting a taste of the

standing were there. O J was portrayed as an

say aye? O r are there some images that are so

power that they have is as close as you can get -

insecure, jealous man - the love of his media

unacceptable as to warrant curbing the freedom of

this will open your eyes. I like the idea of a com-

"colourless" face was of paramount impor-

the press by banning them? Underexposed

is a col-

pletely free press - but I still think some images

tance to him, yet it left him rootless.

Free press, all in favour

lection of images which are... well, underexposed -

should be banned, hypocrisy I know. The pictures

due to the fact that they have been banned. Some,

are not artistic, rather they're more political. This is

There was only one actor in the show (well,

I felt, should be banned - but the vast majority

a collection with one thing in common - someone,

there were two others who did a bit of ran-

seemed to have suffered from a shady political

somewhere doesn't want them to be seen. It hits

dom dancing at the beginning, but that does-

influence. For example, images of the two black

hard - g o challenge yourself.

n't count) and there is no doubt that Frank

athletes who did the Black Power salute at the

Sheppard is a brilliant actor - he was the

1968 Olympics were banned in the US. Alongside

show. He would speak as the O J Simpson we

this, you'll find pictures of the most awful famines

know for most of the time, but this was mixed

and human rites disasters from around the world -

with some hard hitting sections of Othello. His

all pictures which a higher power has decided that

darker, unconscious, side emerged as the

you may not see.

jealousy increased, and we would also hear the voice of the "nigga" from the back streets,

Not only were the pictures horrendous as images in

always there to remind him of his roots (and

themselves, they were often horrendous examples

the fact that he has betrayed them). The strain

of they way humans treat each other. Scariest of all,

of O J ' s shallow world and the fact that he saw

however, was the fact that they could have been

his wife as more of a trophy of acceptance

banned in the first place. Not only were atrocities

from the white middle classes was obvious

occurring, but their occurrence could be hidden

and poignant. This is hard hitting drama; it

with such ease.

deals with a narrow subject but it does it well.

The most powerful image that I saw was probably




Felix » 7 February 2000

32 Seven Days



s Monday



I Wednesday I



Quiz Night



8pm. do Vinci's

9pm - l a m , Union

7.30pm, dBs (free)

Special Toy Story 2

(free before

A choice blend of

9pm - 2 a m , Union

prizes are on offer

As ever, Wednes-

indie a n d lo-fi from


this week, along with

day's see the Union

the alternative music

I thought Valentines

a £ 5 0 first prize and

filled with drunk

society, Apparently.

was about love and

various lager based

sportsmen, who are

offerings (courtesy of

happily a c c o m p a -

Cocktail Night

er, it now appears it's

STA Travel). It's

nied by some of the

They're cheap and

about school uni-

entirely free - just

cheesiest music

they get you drunk.

forms, cheesy music

remember your pen.

known to man.

Need we say more?

and kareoke. Nice.


Fencing Club


C A G Soup Run


6-10prn, Projectile

Union G y m , 12pm.

1 - 10pm, Projectile

8 . 1 5 p m , Weeks Hall

Weekly meeting from

Hall (Sports Centre).


Hall (Sports Centre).


1 - 2 p m , Southside

General meeting -

Skate Soc

Skate Soc

Upper Lounge

6 p m , Southside

Roller Hockey, meet

Nightskate - meet at


1 p m , Southside

9 . 3 0 p m outside


Lounge or 2pm at

M e c h Eng for a tour

Soup run, 8. 15pm .

Royal O a k sports

through London.


Choir Rehersal



St Trinian's Valentines Night

commitment. Howev-

6.1 5 p m , M e c h Eng Room 3 4 2






Sergeant Buzfuz

Imogen Heap


The French fusion out-

Entrancing acoustics

A strong alt-acoustic

The groundbreaking

Clint Boon Experience

fit return with their

and twisted lyrics from

bill for the Barfly's

US techno artist

Ex-lnspirals frontman

own brand of W a g -

the widely tipped new

new night.

makes a rare UK

now flying the indie-

nerian rock-opera.


Upstairs at the


dance banner.

South Bank, £15

Ul Bock Yard Club, £5

Garage, £ 5

Astoria, £9

ULU, £7

Toy Story 2

Double Jeopardy

Angela's Ashes

American Beauty

Summer of Sam

Buzz and Woody

Intensely disappoint-

Robert Carlyle stars in

Kevin Spacey stars as

S p l | i i i S | | p t u r n s to

return, as Disney and

ing Fugitive-a-like

this depressing tale,

an ordinary man

the streets of N e w

Pixar redefine "state

with Tommy Lee Jones

based on the top sell-

obsessed by his

York for this true story

of the art".

and Ashley Judd.

ing book.

daughters best friend.

of a 70s psycho.

Odeon Leicester Sq

Virgin Chelsea

Odeon Kensington

Virgin Fulham Road

A B C Tottenham C t Rd

3 . 4 5 , 6.25, 8.45

4.15, 6.45, 9.15

5 . 0 0 , 8.10

3.10, 6.00, 9.00

1.50, 6.00, 9.00

The Vice

Gen's World Walkabout

The X Files


Steps to the Stars

With gritty cop dra-

Tonight's episode in

Sorry, I know it's the

Steps stars Claire

mas now everywhere,

That's G e r i as in H a l -

the increasingly silly

same as last week,

and H host the first

it's glad to find one

liwell. O h , my, G o d .

saga is based on

but Thursday night is

episode of their new

with a little class.


Rosemary's Baby.

Friends night.

talent show.

ITV, 9pm

BBC 1. 10.20pm

B B C 1, 10.20pm

Sky One, 9pm

BBC 1, 4.30pm

The Real Thing

Composer Portrait

AMP'S Swan Lake

The B B C Symphony

The all male version

The Woman In Black

Jim N a lighten

Tom Stoppard's delicate exploration of

Orchestra celebrates

of Tchaikovsky's ballet

A simple story that's

lous costumes of

the nature of truth in

the work of Luciano

returns to London

guaranteed to send a

Namibia's Himba

both art and emotion,

Berio (who conducts).

after a world tour.

shiver down the spine.

and Herero tribes.


Royal Festival Hall,

Dominion Theatre,



£1 1, 7.30pm



7.30pm, £12 5 0


8pm, £9


Photos of the fabu-

J0am - 5.30pm, free

7 February 2000 » Felix

D Saturday

Seven Days 33


Y Sunday

Next Week Bust-A-Girt Comedy Danny Bhov, Johnny C o n d o n and Andy Zaltman are next Friday's so-funny-iti c

hurts collective.

f r o m

@P T A R T

Between them they've won more awards than you can shake a stick at - so they'd

S i n g a l o n g a


better be g o o d .

Kung Fu Club

K u n g Fu Club

(Wu Shu Kwan)

(Wu Shu Kwan)

Southside G y m

Union G y m

4:30pm - 6:30pm.

4:30pm - 6:30pm.

Free lovehearts F r e e entry £

The Illegal Eagles


Counting Crows

The baggy-shirted

A quality back catalogue plus a great

Eagle:, tribute band

metallers return to

currently doing the

their pared down,

new album equals a


punker roots.

damn fine night at

Fairfield Halls, £8

Southampton Uni, £8

the Royal Albert Hall.

Fantasia 2000


The Beach

Visually stunning

Entertaining tale of a

C o m b i n e the team

sequel to Disneys

woman who the marks

behind Trainspotting,

musical extravaganza.

of crucificfion appear-

a best-selling book and Leonardo D e

(IMAX only).

ing on her body.


Virgin Trocodero

C a p r i o and you've

5.10, 6.50, 8.30

4.00, 6.20, 8.40

got...? Find out soon.



Live Football

Ant, Tie-: and Cat

This week's biggest

Gritty documentary

bring their own style

match-up from the

that gets up-close-

to Saturday mornings

Premiership, complete

and-personal with

- talentless yet fun

with daft analysis.

Bristol's less than

B B C 1, 6.55pm

Sky Sports J, 3pm

friendly "doormen".

M a d a m e Butterfly

Yayoi Kusama


After twenty years in a

You've probably seen

ing alone - the audi-

mental hospital,

the ads plastering

toium is flooded to

Kusama's work is still

the tube - now we

create a water garden.

vividly hallucinogenic.

can find out if it's

Royal Albert Hall,


actually any g o o d .

£20ish, 7.30pm

10am - 6pm, free


O p e n s next week.


o t h e r w i s e






[ P O S T G R A D S


A winner for the stag-

ins c h o o l

l / £ 1 . 5 0




P R E F E R R E D ]


E - M A I L S H O P @ I C . A C . U K [ F O R







W O R K ] I C . A C . U K

Felix ÂŤ 7 February 2000

34 Crossword The

Felix C r o s s w o r d


by Turnip

Henry thrashing? (7)

Across: 1.

Complete writings are


Wind up string composer?


(5) W e a p o n similar to o l d


Schism that spelling mis-

effective. (5) 4.

Pets let up around one of seven. (9)


Promise the Spanish a let-

branch? (4-3)

ter. (5) 9.

take illuminated. (5)

G r o v e puts character in


order. (7) 10 Disease one gets in game. (5) 11 Trot back around blokes


13 Before lunch o n high,


the wall? (1,3,2,3,4,2) 2 0 M e a d o w has the right to

and clearing up. (7) some time. (5) 14 Quiet noble is precious. (5) 15 Problem before chicken

come from cows. (7) 22 Skeleton from piano. (5)

made film. (9) 16 Ice cats fall over while

24 Rot about pedestal having

practising great selfdenial. (7)

no missile. (7) 25 Soldier worker is huge. (5)

17 Where eggs lie is most

2 6 He who looks after school may be cautious? (9)

pointless. (7) 18 C o p y monkey without PR.,

27 Mistake made by fish eggs

The results of the competitions run in issue 1164 were as follows: NME


and eat it. (7)

going back around king

19 Bridge has insect above it.

and queen. (5)

(9) 21 Alright bloke. (5) 2 3 Bounder has no right to



Titanium is passing o n ,

12 Offal is ready to eat after

hello. (3,2,3,7) 16 Brief existence for fly on

In Uncle Arthur you see something blurred. (7)

for anguish. (7)


In favour of weight on television. (9)

Dog sounds like it's for a

become an animal. (5)

Crossword Competition

Carling Premier Tour

The correct answer to the N M E competition was, of course, (b) - Felix's

It's the point in Felix that you've all been waiting for - the chance

favourite album of 1999 was Travis' The M a n W h o . The winner of the main

to get something for nothing. W e l l , actually, it's not quite noth-

prize (tickets to the tour's final night at the London Astoria) was Amy Austin.

ing - we are asking for a little of your excess brain power to be


exerted in this direction, as you struggle to complete this week's fiendishly difficult (or hopelessly easy, depending on your point of

Club Lux @ The Lux Centre

view) crossword. You'll need to bring your completed grid to the

Lux is, as you should all know a unit of light - and (b) was thus once again the

Felix Office (outside the Physics Department, next to the liquid

correct answer. The winners of two free tickets to the night were: Chris Swain, Mark Nichols, Steve Bradley, Kevin Walsh, Andy Kingston, Helen Pakes, Gareth Canty, Thorn Leggett, James Coates and Emma West. Well done one and all - I hope you enjoy the event.

nitrogen tank) by 8 p m o n Tuesday evening in order to qualify, and the first correct entry drawn from the magic hat will win its owner a copy of the Collins English Dictionary (RRP ÂŁ 2 0 ) , courtesy of Felix. The winners name will be printed here next week. Last week's crossword was clearly far too easy once a g a i n ,

Independent Travellers World

as a flood of correct entries c a m e pouring into the Felix Office -

Fortunately, everyone who entered correctly spotted that (b) was, as ever, the

if you're still unsure about your solution, you'll find the answers

correct answer, as C a n b e r r a is the capital of Australia. The first five names to

below. Having waded to the very bottom of the hat, the first entry

emanate from the Felix random prize generator were: M Poulton, C Carroll,

pulled out belonged to Catherine Luther, who consequently wins

M Hindley, Jackie Kelly and Ruth Loeffler.

a copy of the C o n c i s e English Dictionary. Please c o m e to the Felix Office ASAP Thanks.

Monty Python Wines Last, and by no means least, we offered you the chance to win one of four

Answers to Felix Crossword 1165 :

highly-prized bottles of Monty Python Wine. As everyone in the world seems to be aware that the Norwegian Blue was a parrot, you all correctly spotted that (c) was the right answer. We had four bottles of vintage Python to give away, and the winners therefore were: Cathy Selkirk, Brian Flowers, Keith Roberts and Mathew Saunders.

Across: Slime, Vista, M e a s u r e , S a u n a , Flume, Admit,


Youth, Stars a n d Stripes, Urine, Incisor, R e a l m , Relax, N a c h o , Bacardi, M i n g e , N a s a l . Down: Shaft, llluminati, Emperors, Safari, Rummages, Vestry, Stud, A n a r c h i s m , U p p e r C l a s s , Pseudonym, N u i s a n c e , Restrain,

All winners were notified by email last week, and all prizes have now been dis-

Enrobe, C a m e r a , Expel, Scan.

tributed. Watch out next week for another batch of competitions coming your way.

Apologylll Sorry, I forgot to write in the number of letters in last week's ' 1 D o w n ' .





















"See the Overseas Societies in the biggest event at Imperial College"





Mauritian S c a n d i n a v i a n



|K o r e a n


Spanish I n d i a n





1 1 X 1 1



German r,

I r a n i a n


S '~L kan

Bangladeshi Lebanese Singaporean

F r i d a y T i c k e t s

o n


S a l e

T i c k e t

n o w £




1 1 f r o m -

t h e


U n i o n

C u l t u r a l

S h o w

F e b n i a r y F r o n t £


D e s k 2



F o o d

W a t e r s t o n e s F a i r



Felix ÂŤ 7 February 2000

36 Clubs & Societies


Club glassed



on Raven's Crag.

Despite the mile between the two The picturesque village of Mungris-

parties, curious echos meant that

dale consists of a village hall with a

Andy (belaying from the first stance)

pub right opposite. Hence our visit.

and Steve (noshing at the foot of a


G r a d e III scramble) could converse

to circumstances beyond our

self-control, we had no minibus for


the weekend, so three hire-cars were

case meaning shouting



in this


obtained. Driving in a manner con-

at each other. Back at the hut and,

sistent with high speed, Steve and

with mere moments left before our

Jeremy managed the unheard-of feat

southward journey, Claire rushed in

of reaching the hall with half an hour

with the news that ice-climbers had

to spare before the pubs shut. Every-

been sighted on Helvellen. "Arse",

one else rolled up about a n hour

we said.



coming on the trip, excelled himself

If these tales of daring-do and

Motors". Meanwhile party N o 2 were

(as usual) by providing a giant dou-

custard inspire you to emulate our


Saturday morning and, with a

reason, the words

minimum of faff, everyone scattered

wending their way up Sharp Edge on

ble chocolate cake with a replica of

Olympian exertions, we'd be delight-

in pursuit of extreme activity. Grind-

Blencathra. "Nicest scrambling in the

the club logo, sculpted in two-tone

ed to have you join us on one of our

ing our teeth at the lack of vertical ice

Lake District", apparently.

chocolate, on top. Nice. A five-hour

merry jaunts. Just find your way to

pub session ensued.

Southside Upper Lounge any Thurs-

to climb, we settled for a quick (wet

Those short winter days meant

and slimy) Grade 11+ gill-scramble

that everyone arrived back at the hut

Sunday was "more-of-the-same"

day at 7pm and introduce yourself.

with time to spare, and a restrained

day: one party off to scramble up

Alternatively email us at the address below.


by rock-climbing.


some intermediate gear-shopping in

meal (consisting of a mere three

Helvellen and down Striding Edge,

Keswick, Andy stunned the club by

courses) was knocked up in next-to-

another to d o a couple of difficult

buying new stickies and Steve con-


by Jeremy, our Part-Time

scrambles on Doves Nest C r a g in

Contact: Steve

fused the club by buying a boiler-suit


Catering Officer

Of No

Borrowdale. Right opposite, Jeremy


embroidered with his name and, for

Fixed Abode. Mallet, despite not

and Andy found a long, heavily ver-

f 8 J

P l a c e

C a f e d e P a r i s , D a t e

T i m e :

9 : 3 0 p m

to 3 : 3 0 a m

3 C o v e n t r y

7 t h

F e b r u a r y

c l o s e

1 : 3 0 a m )

M o n d a y ( d o o r s


P r i c e : ÂŁ 1 2 D r e s s intact: table

i c a b a c u s @ h o f r n a i l . c o m b o o k i n g s :

is a society c t i C U

T e l .0 7 7 8 8

c o d e :

S m a r t

: T e l .0 7 7 4 7

6 1 3 8 1 8

5 9 2 1 7 7 -'John

C h e o n g )

7 February 2000 * Felix

Clubs & Societies

The Pimlico Connection: J o h n n y Ball


The Pimlico Connection are hosting

London, helping to teach subjects

a talk by Johnny Ball, o n Wednes-

including maths, science and tech-

day 23rd February at 6 p m in M e c h

nology for a couple of hours o n

Eng 2 2 0 , entitled "Engineering - a

Wednesday afternoons. As well as

brighter future".




as Johnny



Reveals All and for keeping us all entertained

an immensely


experience, tutoring also helps to

Johnny Ball is best known for

key interpersonal


at the 1 9 9 8 Imperial


College Summer Ball.

as essential


Tickets are £ 2 for PimSoc mem-



skills, which are by most


we are

sending two delegates to the inter-

bers, £ 3 for other students and £ 5


for staff. They c a n be purchased

N e w Jersey to meet hundreds of

from M e l a n i e

other like-minded students from ail


or Adrian

Hawksworth in the Schools Liaison Office


one of the Pimlico



committee members:

• •


We are also trying out a student shadowing


over the world.

3 2 1 in Sherfield;

internal extension 4 8 0 4 4 ) , or from


scheme, which




from the

schools we tutor to experience what

Elin Thomas, Biochem 3

Jessica Smith, Civ Eng 3

The lecture

will be the final

event of an "Introducing


life at Imperial (and indeed at university in general), is really like. If

Trevor G r a h a m , Maths 2

Nicol a Convine, Chemistry 3

Education" open day at C o l l e g e ,

this small pilot goes well, we hope

which is being run jointly by the

to extend it into other departments next year.

David Hughes, C h e m Eng 4

Ian Edmonds, Chemistry 4


Schools Liaison Office.


Geoff Hewick, Computing 4

Preethi G o p i n a t h , Medicine 2

a n d the

If you are interested in the Pim-

The Pimlico Connection places student

tutors in schools


lico Connection, contact Adrian o r Elin at the addresses above.

Make yourself heard

Imperial College Union


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38 Sport

Felix « 7 February 2000

W o m e n lose t h e m a t c h b u t not t h e i r p r i d e

Archers on target



Bad news has finally arrived, with the

everybody watching.

Magal i a n d

first defeat of the season for the Szun Szun were setting


was surprised to see us managing to

Sunday 30th of January was cold

change our tactics completely and

and windy. Four Imperial C o l l e g e archers braved this bitter winter

women's volleyball team. This hap-

Sandrine and MariJo were blocking


pened against Kent University, a very

everything thrown at them, Lucia and

congratulated us in the end for that).


strong team with their own profes-

Rapha were attacking the serve like

Unfortunately, our lack of experience

County Championships. The shoot was g o o d fun even though Tim

back into the game (they

to g o to the London

sional coaching staff providing the

mad, and super-subs Anisah a n d

at the highest level did not help us at

team with all their needs, excellent

Ivonne were backing up the defence

this stage, and we let them clinch the

ruined yet another of the clubs

sports facilities on their campus, and

superbly! S o , things were

set 2 5 - 2 2 , and as a result they took

arrows a n d o u r archery

a top quality record in BUSA.

good at this stage.

the match.

missed the target for the first time


Then, the horror set came inl

since we were

now at the BUSA knock-out stages,


Their professional

in two and a half years of shoot-

It was sad, very sad indeed. We could have got that fourth set and

coach cleverly



the 3-1 defeat means the end of the

spotted our weak points in the net then beaten them at the last one. But

season for us which, by recognition

and gave instruction to their two very

that wasn't to be. Kent were stronger

of our opponents, is pretty unfair for

good American spikers to attack

on the day. However, the perform-


such a good team. Nevertheless, this

through those points (something our


contribute to the team's third place

of the team

O f the quartet shooting, Tim and C o l i n were at their first c o m -

put Imperial

a n d shot

admirably to

was the best season ever for our London opponents were never able

women's on the map! As Kent's staff

in the county competition.

team and you can be sure that the

to do). And there was nothing we

told us in the end, we could have

shot well again and just missed out

girls made IC proud.


could do! They just kept on hammer-

easily gone through to the national

on reaching the 5 0 0 mark. Leo


ing us, one ball after the other, and

with such a fantastic team. But we

came third in the Ladies Reserve

better. As their coach admitted at the

at one stage we were 23-11 behind!

were unlucky with the draw a n d


end of the match, they had no idea

This was definitely the only set where

came up against a strong Kent side.

IC's women were this g o o d . S o , we

Kent were clearly the better team.

Now, we learn from here and try to




Finally, in the fourth set, we do it better next year!

took them by surprise and won the

made some readjustments to the

first set by 2 5 - 2 3 , thanks to some brilliant


Saturday 5th February was the BUSA

a n d top-quality

team to tackle those weak points that

To finish, I would just like to





University, a n d



should have make it there a n d

thank to thank all those who came to a n d support


onships at Bath

game distribution from our setters,

cost us dearly in the previous one,


Magali and Szun Szun. It was mag-

and things really got much more bal-

Gabriela and Beat), to the brilliant


one piece

back again with all their arrows in


anced. At the start, we lost four

team captain, Sandrine, and to our

some g o o d scores too. The event

In the second set, things got

points in a row, since the players that

opponents who organised a meal for

was too late to make it into Felix

harder, Kent made some readjust-

came in were not used to playing in

us at the end and who also had

this week, but you'll be able to find out how we got o n soon. Further

- a n d have achieved

ments, we missed some easy balls

those positions, but then we levelled

some very kind words of support and

and that was enough to make the

things out and reached a 2 2 - 2 2


difference. Kent got it by 2 5 - 1 9 . But

position. At this point everybody was

made us feel a little bit better to know

shoot for the B U S A team in the

still, things were pretty close and our

close to a nervous breakdown. You

the opposition recognised that we

World Student Championships in

players were definitely

could feel the tension in the air. Kent

were that good.






for our team. It

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Sport 39

7 February 2000 Âť Felix

Sport in Brief Ladies Hockey IC I


University of Essex



Ladies Rugby

miss four open goals like a


J o a n d her flow

had a

IC Virgins


wings, they h a d loads of space

University of Kent


and caused havoc. After five minutes, all our training paid off and

stormer of a match tackling like a Firstly, thanks to H u m m i n g Bird for





C a n I just say we won! Last year we

Ali looped around to score our first try.

offering sexual favours to ensure

rucked a goal like a concrete cow.

got absolutely trashed in the shield

the game went a h e a d (Orange &

G o a l keeper Helen kept a clean


BT Cellnet were also a help).

sheet - Sim hasn't been around

weren't high.

W e arrived at the match all dolled

u p , but the Essex


The first half c a m e and went,




work a n d

loads of scrums, Ling got the ball was eight fat

on the wing a n d went on a brilliant run to score. They then got a try



twice o u r weight - but we stuck


was sexual - we tonk, tonk, tonk,

with it a n d gave as g o o d as we

score stayed the same for most of


got. Size isn't everything you know

the second half, until Ali eventual-

In summary, the game

showed us up with their handbags, perms and stillettos.


mamas, and they must have been

recently (she's been suffering from a bad cough).





has ever


half time,

with us going to half time with a 1 -

tonked before. Truly awe-inspiring

- even when you have "The Big ly broke through

0 lead. After a rousing team talk,


O n e ! " (Kryzi) o n your side.

a n d the

to score once


o u r brains a n d

Big thanks to the umpires G r a -

Their backs weren't that g o o d

stormed into the second half. O h

ham - who's cute a n d cuddly -

either, and their only tactic was to

ploughed over the try line without

yes. C a r e bear baby fresher Helen


give it to their forwards and hope


scored some beautiful goals (four

endowed. Also thanks to anyone


in all), before her donkey genes

who received a random phone call


became prominent - she m a n a g e d

during last week.



In Brief



w h o is


had enough weight to get


members of the ICU Rifle and Pis-

Royal Holloway II

the ball


- but the ref


In Brief Fencing

Rugby 30

the e n d they

awarded a try anyway, and M i r i a m

In Brief


At the end of the last term, six


said " M a e ' r dyfarnwr yn * * * * * * *

Whenever we got it to our

In Brief

Rifle Club




Southampton III






tol C l u b entered the West Kent Rifle League's Prince William of

This was another easy victory for

The pie boys were back in town,


Wales competition.

the firsts, who continue to slaugh-

and we couldn't

team made it through to the sec-





was G u y Dewhirst, who c a m e 9th

ter their opponents in the league. The


in D class, with a score of 2 8 6 out


of 3 0 0 . Andrew


Eldridge came

third was naturally by (Jess with


arms), with Jane a n d

run for toffee

the women's



ond round of the BUSA C u p , we

the kick off!). Despite the brave

were drawn against some strong

efforts of our pack, the inbred


(hey, w h o needs training


got the better

(captain) Dot feeding the ball up


class, Ben Chowdhar y a n d S a m


dump tackle from savage Eddy,

Camille stormed her way through

Sharpe finished 4 2 n d a n d 106th




the C a m b r i d g e foil team, where

respectively, a n d 11th in their



class for the pairs

turned out to be Royal Holloway's



a n d Rebekah

was blood

was a


All the members of the team

37th in A class with 2 9 0 . In B

at every opportunity. The


of us,

binned for his





she won all of her fights convinc-

In the second half, one of the

ingly. The other members - C a p -

defenders, who had the reach, but

ex-cons got a yellow card. Sud-

were 69th a n d 8 2 n d in D class,

sadly lacked the manoeuvrability

denly, we sparked into life. Having

'fencing b a g ' Leucha - all con-

and 15th in the pairs shoot.

to keep up with our girls in the cir-

beaten seventeen men, made it

tributed extremely well. Katherine

past the ref (singing and all) Dave

and Camille achieved some amaz-

Rachel C h a n a n d Leonora Lang

Other events over the next few

cle. At the defensive end, Kathryn

weeks include the B U S A Archery and





any Royal


and rifle matches against the uni-

balls that dared approach the IC

versities of London and Liverpool.

goal third. The little RH shooter,

If you are interested


in any of

h a d given


the run

tain Katherine, Cockney Clare and

finally managed to dump it over

ing hits on the arm, and there were

the line thanks to a bit of Welsh

some outstanding attacks general-


ly in the foil.

Ultimately, however, the Eng-




land A team got the better of us


h a d three


a n d foilists,


these competitions, or in learning

around in the first half, hardly trou-

on the day a n d finished up by


to shoot, please come down to the

bled the scorer in the second half,

beating us by just three

placed in a more advantageous

Projectile Hall in the Sports Centre on

a Wednesday


o r Saturday



adding only one more goal to her

with a final score of 1 0 - 7 . W e

position. Watch this space, howev-

tally, leaving the firsts to walk away

now bow graciously out of the

er, for the team's escapades next

with another comfortable win.

C u p at the semi-final stage.


Want to send a message to someone special? Then get your Valentine's messages in to before Tuesday evening, and see them in print next Monday.

Felix â&#x20AC;˘ 7 February 2000

40 Sport

L a d i e s cash in a g a i n s t



F O O T B A L L (Women's)

Ladies Football IC I


University of Buckingham


IC I goals due to the referee bestowing

OAR As for the match, the IC ladies played with the kind of superior


o n a losing




F O O T B A L L (Men's) Saturday (29/1) U L U C u p

team, courtesy of his own blatant

What a surprise. Yet again the IC

style that has been becoming a







habit lately. The forwards h a d a

despite lineswoman extraordinary





field day, with goal scoring d o m i -

N o n a ' s frantic yelling and waving




nance taking effect from

of the flag. The self-same blind ref







through opposition

chunky, but we were funky. Well


A n d a l l this

funky in fact. The day was action

Clark Kent's double hat-trick left

created a slightly panicky moment

Q M W VI 4-1




the opposition reeling with humili-

for Hacker H a r p , by beckoning her



of the morning

ation, while the electric feeling of

with dodgy finger movements for a





chasing Chelsea players to sign our

adrenaline running through every


match ball, we were slightly disap-

vessel in Kent's body was felt by

tackle. But luckily things didn't g o

pointed when the names rubbed off

the rest of the team. Tina "I'll-

the Beckham way.


9 0 minutes

of thwacking.

d rink-you-under-the-table-and-


b o a r d (not)

In a recent interview, the IC

Another topic open to discussion

t hen-leg-it "


ladies declared that they relished

was the ref. U p o n scouring all the

another hat-trick that sealed victo-

the winning feeling. It is definitely

local nursing homes for a suitable

ry for a deserving IC team.

candidate, captain H e l g a decided



The opposition's attempts at

upon the most senile, blind, deaf,


were tres poor. They

and most likely to have a coronary

somehow m a n a g e d to score two

becoming a habit, having pasted G K T 1 3 - 0 on the previous Sunday.

F E N C I N G (Women's) IC I


nitely e m b e d d e d with silverware.


quite c o l d .


been the first team to get everyone down both runs so far. There

tually e n o u g h peopl e had assem-

the start gate. After putting in a

was only one team yet to g o w h o

bled in Southside to pass for a

reasonable run o n a very varied

coul d beat us - U C L . As our team

t e a m , so we started off for H i g h

course, he was followed by Bywa-

was slightly t o o small (we should

W y c o m b e . O n arrival we signed

ter, Pete Holt and finally club cap-

have had five skiers) if U C L c o u l d

in a n d picked up our ski's. Ventur-

tain Sarah Hughes. Sarah m a n -

get the whole team d o w n , no mat-

ing out onto the slope f o r a c o u -

a g e d to get her o w n back o n

ter if they were slower than us,


runs, we were

Rosey, after he beat her in the pre-

they would have it. Sure e n o u g h ,

relieved to find that the slope was

vious race in the series. This was

they all made it down intact. W e

in far better condition than we

followed by another immense wait

only h a d the dual slalom to g o ,

usually find it o n a W e d n e s d a y

for the second run. While waiting

hardly o n e of o u r team's strong

afternoon, with all the sprinklers

- this time inside in the b a r - we

points - even with a ringer from

on full blast. S o o n the course was

noticed that a large number of the

U C L . We were knocked out in the

set up a n d we started the long

very best skiers were just trying to

first round (obviously o u r notori-

wait f o r our numbers to be c a l l e d .

g o too fast, a n d many were crash-

ous false starts - a legacy from

ing out. After the second run, in

last years president - weren't quite

fastest skiers a tad under twenty

which everyone m a n a g e d to put

audac iou s enough). A l l in all a

seconds, we were numbers 8 6 -

in a quicker time, we were halfway


8 9 , so we were f a c e d with a c o n -

up the lift, when we heard the


siderable wait up at the top of


turn up to ski, and even bring the

W y c o m b e Summit - exposed to

'Imperial are currently leading the

o n e run taking the


must have been because we h a d

c a l l e d , a n d Rosey made his way to



team event' W e realised that this

After a frantic ring a r o u n d , even-


7 - 1 0 S'hampton


Eventually o u r numbers were

of practice

1 5 - 1 0 Kent

R U B G Y (Men's)

IC I Sunday 29th January 2 0 0 0

3 0 - 8 Holloway

R U G B Y (Women's)

Ski Club - Huskies Race Series (as usual) got

1 8 - 0 Essex

The future looks bright, a n d defi-

S k i e r s g o to t h e d o g s

the w i n d , things

6 - 1 2 Cambridge

H O C K E Y (Women's)


Race 2 - W y c o m b e Summit




evening's next time



M a r c u s will