Writer & Comedian
I WANT YOU TO PAY ME TO TELL JOKES.
1. Spot The Dog
When I was little boy, I wanted a dog desperately, and we had no money. I was a tiny kid, and my parents couldn’t get me a dog, ‘cause we just didn’t have the money, so they got me, instead of a dog - they told me it was a dog - they got me an ant And I didn’t know any better, y’know, I thought it was a dog, I was a dumb kid. Called it ‘Spot’. I trained it, y’know. Coming home late one night, Sheldon Finklestein tried to bully me. Spot was with me. And I said “Kill!”, and Sheldon stepped on my dog.
I went to NYU myself, I was a philosophy major there, too. I took all the abstract philosophy courses in college, like truth and beauty, advanced truth and beauty, intermediate truth, introduction to God, Death 101. I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year, I cheated on my metaphysics final in college, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. They threw me out, and my mother, who is a really sensitive woman, when I got thrown out of college, she locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mahjong tiles.
2. Bullet & The Bible
Years ago, my mother gave me a bullet...a bullet, and I put it in my breast pocket. Two years after that, I was walking down the street, when a berserk evangelist heaved a Gideon bible out a hotel room window, hitting me in the chest. Bible would have gone through my heart if it wasn’t for the bullet.
I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, and she said .....
5. My Cousin I have a cousin, that my parents loved more than me, that really destroyed me. Ah, I have a boy cousin that went through four years of college and became a mutual fund salesman, and he married a very thin girl from the neighbourhood, who had her nose lifted by a golf pro, y’know...(bok) Hit it and just...hooked up over her head, and they moved to the suburbs and they have all kinds of status symbols, they have their own home and stationwagon and fire insurance and life insurance and mutual funds and his wife has orgasmic insurance or something. If her husband fails to satisfy her sexually, Mutual of Omaha has to pay her every month.
6. Seduction You have to believe me when I say, that there is something seductive about me, when I shoot crap. And I’m at the crap table, I’m...dicing. A very provocative woman comes up to me, and she begins to...size me up...and I take her
upstairs to my hotel room. Shut the door. Remove my glasses. Show her no mercy. I unbutton my shirt, and she unbuttons her shirt. And I smile. She smiles. I remove my shirt and she removes her shirt. And I wink and she winks. And I remove my pants. She removes her pants. And I realize ........... I’m looking into a mirror.
7. End In summing up, I wish I had some kind of affirmative message to leave you with, I don’t. Would you take two negative messages? My mother used to say to me when I was younger, “If a strange man comes up to you, and offers you candy, and wants you to get into the back of his car with him...
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