A New Woman in Recovery January 17, 2013 | Last Updated on Tuesday, 07 May, 2013 15:05 For most of my life I was in a place where I could only find misery, which was, what I thought, fine. Living a happy, peaceful life were very distant dreams of mine. “You don’t understand,” “if you’ve gone through what I have, you would be the same as me,” these were phrases that I have used one too many times before. Simply put, I hated myself. I was as good as dead in my mind. I’ve been abused in every aspect, emotionally, physically and sexually as a child and well into young adulthood. There was nothing left of me. “Dignified, Self-Respect, Intelligent, Inspirational, Spiritual and even having Purpose in Life are only a few words I would have never used to describe myself.” Emotions Linked to Recovering I felt ugly, stupid, dirty any horrible thing you could think of, that was me. I turned to drugs and alcohol at a young age, along with eating disorders and other self-inflicted pain, it was what I thought, a miracle. It took me out of myself. It numbed every feeling I had ever felt. It wasn’t until my early twenties did I see the true miracle in my life. Recovery. For anyone like me, being sober was never going to be an option. I “needed” that drink or that one hit just so I could live. It wasn’t about having fun. No, I needed to survive and that’s exactly what I was doing before recovery, surviving. “If you only knew what I’ve been through, I’m lucky I’m not dead!” but that’s exactly what I was doing, I was killing myself and honestly, that was just fine with me. Preserving Relationships There were times, few and far between, that I had brief thoughts of getting sober, thinking, “maybe, life would be better, happier.” These thoughts never lasted, although, deep in me did I truly wish to change. How could I change? How could someone, as low as me, possibly become the person I wish to be? I had nothing to offer myself, let alone anyone else in the world. I had reached a point in my life, I thought, there was no turning my life around. I literally had nothing. NOTHING and NO ONE. I had burned all my bridges. Ruined relationships with many family and friends, I was a horrible person. So horrible that the only friend I had left dropped me off in an apartment complex an hour away from home for me to figure out how I was getting there. I had finally reached a point where there was nothing else I could do. I called the one person I knew would answer. Three days later, my journey began. Becoming Sober At first, I had no clue what I was getting myself into. I flew to South Florida for treatment. I had no idea what treatment was going to be like. I was petrified of what was going to happen or possibly not happen. It never occurred to me that I was using and drinking as a solution to the traumatizing experiences I had gone through. I had convinced myself that as long as I never talked about anything, it would go away. That could not have been any further from the truth. Through treatment, addressing
all of my childhood traumas, Iâ€™ve learned that I am not the person I have been portraying my entire life. My traumas had been holding me back from the person I am. With intensive trauma therapy, today I am able to talk about my past experiences without any of those old feelings returning. Iâ€™ve learned new ways to cope with anything life throws at me. Iâ€™ve become a spiritual person and remain to stay connected with my Higher Power which gives me peace of mind and the ability to live a beautiful, serene lifestyle. I know that no matter what the circumstances may be, I am able to work through anything without picking up or drinking thanks to my Higher Power, Treatment, and a solid program of recovery. Today, I am able to say with confidence, that I am a dignified, self-respected, intelligent, inspirational, spiritual woman who has many purposes in life.