TWO AND A HALF BLACK MEN – “Pilot” Half hour single camera sitcom Written by Rodney Ohebsion INT. JIM AND LISA'S APARTMENT - DAY The doorbell rings in a small apartment. LISA (48, half black, half white) opens the door to reveal RAY (24, a quarter black / three quarters white, over-the-top stereotypical black / hip hop personality.) RAY Your baby boy is home. With a college degree. He holds up a diploma. RAY Tadow. LISA Very nice. You look like a college graduate. Sort of. RAY Sort of? LISA Your diploma says you graduated from college. She points to a Malcolm X tattoo on his arm. LISA Your tattoo says you graduated from prison. RAY What are you talking about, mamma? This is a tattoo of Malcolm X. He's an intellectual. LISA Mm Hmmm. He's an intellectual when you're reading his books. He's not an intellectual when his face is hanging out on
your arm, under the word Represent. RAY It's all good. Tomorrow I'm gonna get a tattoo of a diploma on my left arm. JIM (50, white) enters the scene. Ray once again holds up his diploma. RAY Tadow. JIM Ray. Graduating college in six years is not that much of an accomplishment. RAY Come on, pops. It didn't take me six years. It took me five and a half years. JIM Yeah. And then you spent another six months just hanging around campus, probably smoking marijuana. RAY That's 'cause you gotta let the learning matriculate in your head for six months. JIM Matriculate? RAY Matri-culate. It's a college word. JIM OK, Mr. college graduate. How about you matriculate some money? What are you gonna do for a living? RAY
Nigga--I don't know. JIM ... Ray--I respect the fact that you're an AfricanAmerican. But do you have to call me a nigger all the time? RAY It's a term of endearment, nigga. JIM Well--you don't seem to be using in a very endearing way, nigger. If you want to use it as a term of endearment, then say something to me like, "I bought you this subway sandwich, nigger. With extra cheese." RAY (to Lisa) Can you believe this nigga? JIM Lisa--tell our son to stop calling me a nigger. LISA Ray--stop calling your father the n-word. JIM OK. Fine. Mom--can you believe this cracka? JIM Lisa--tell our son to stop calling me a cracker. LISA Ray--stop calling your father a cracker. JIM (to Lisa)
Six years in college--and he sounds more ghetto coming out than he did going in. RAY That's 'cause I majored in ghetto. JIM Great. I'm sure that'll lead to a high paying job. I heard Microsoft is hiring a Chief Ghetto Officer. RAY Anyways--I couldn't help but notice that y'all moved into a significantly smaller apartment. LISA Well--you left, your sister left, so we didn't need the space. RAY Right. Now, um, mathematically speaking, there ain't a room for me here. JIM Mathematically? RAY Yeah. I did a lot of algebra and geometry in college. And, looking at your residence, I'd say A squared plus B squared means there's no room for me squared--you know what I'm saying? JIM Oh. Really? I didn't do the math. RAY
Anyways, it's all good. 'Cause I'm gonna go live with Grandpa Charles. JIM What? LISA He didn't mention that to me. RAY Well--he mentioned it to me. LISA I figured you'd move into some apartment. RAY Apartment my ass. I'm gonna be living at your daddy's house. Rent free, baby. LISA And grandpa agreed? RAY Hell yeah, grandpa agreed. Grandpa's down with me. 'Cause he knows I respect and obey my elders. JIM Really? I'm your elder, too. You don't obey me that much. RAY Well--by "elder," I mean like an old black man. You're just my white 50 year old father. LISA So you're gonna be roommates with grandpa? RAY And Tony. Tony's gonna live there, too. JIM
INT. CARL (45, half
Well good. Grandpa Charles should have a good influence on you. He's a homeowner, and he's run a successful business for decades. Great idea, son. RAY Well thank you. You are the best cracka father a black man could ask for. JIM Lisa--he's calling me a cracker again. LISA Stop calling your father a cracker. CARL AND LINDA'S APARTMENT - DAY (50, black, Lisa's half brother) and LINDA white) are talking to TONY (24, half black, white) CARL OK, son. Let me give you some advice on how to get along with my dad. LINDA Tony--don't forget to take a toothbrush. CARL Linda--I'm trying to have a talk with the boy. LINDA Well, the boy needs to have clean teeth. TONY Ma--I packed a toothbrush. LINDA And floss. Did you pack floss? CARL Linda--who cares about floss?
LINDA What--you don't want our son to floss his teeth? CARL Why are we talking about floss?! LINDA Why are you trying to start a fight over floss?! CARL Why are you trying to start a fight over floss?! LINDA You're always trying to start something! Isn't that right, Tony?! Doesn't your father always try to start something?! CARL Why are you always making our son take sides?! LINDA There you go again, Carl! Now you're trying to start another fight with me! (looks at Tony) Isn't he trying to start another fight with me? CARL OK! Fine! Tony--did you pack floss? TONY No. CARL Linda. Bring the boy some damn floss! (to Tony)
OK. Anyways, son. Grandpa Charles. This is how you get along with him. LINDA Are you seriously giving him advice on how to get along with someone? CARL Well why shouldn't I? LINDA Because you don't know how to get along with anybody! CARL I don't know how to get along with anybody!? You don't know how to get along with anybody! LINDA There he goes again. You see that, Tony? Your father's always trying to start fights. CARL Get the damn floss, Linda! LINDA I thought you didn't care about floss! CARL I don't care about floss! You're the only one who cares about floss! I haven't flossed my teeth since 1982, and my mouth is just fine. He shows his teeth and gums to her. CARL Take a look at those gums! (to Tony) Take a look! INT. APARTMENT IN ENGLAND - DAY
STANLEY (24, black, British accent) is with his father REGINALD (57, black, British accent) and mother JACKIE (52, black, American accent, Carl's sister, Lisa's half sister). REGINALD Stanley. America is a great country, Sort of. Soak up the culture--but not too much. Otherwise you'll turn into a classless ruffian, like that awful Howard Stern fellow. That's what happens when you become too American. So don't associate with the common hooligans. Find the right people to be around. JACKIE (to Stanley) And listen to Grandpa Charles. You know, my father might not have a college degree--but he's more educated than the three of use put together. STANLEY Well. I guess this is it. Goodbye, mummy. He hugs her. STANLEY Goodbye, father. EXT. CHARLES'S HOME - DAY Ray parks his piece of shit car on the street while he listens to Howard Stern on the radio. INT. CHARLES'S HOME - DAY CHARLES (80, black) is playing dominoes with Tony. The doorbell rings. Tony gets it. RAY What up, cuz! TONY
What up? RAY Grandpa Charles! He gives Charles an overenthusiastic hip hop handshake. CHARLES Whoa. Calm down, Ray. This ain't no WWF wrestling match. RAY Hell yeah, baby. Grandpa Charles's house. Our house. I'm gonna go take a piss in our bathroom. INT. CHARLES'S HOME - DAY (Later) The three of them are sitting in the living room. RAY So how's life as a bachelor, grandpa? Are you looking for wife number four? CHARLES At my age, I don't know what I'm looking for. RAY Have you tried eHarmony? CHARLES No. I don't use any of those pills. My penis is fine. RAY eHarmony is not a pill for your penis, grandpa. It's a dating website. CHARLES A what-now? TONY
A dating website. You know. You go on the internet and find dates. CHARLES Oh--I go on dates. RAY You mean with Cheryl? CHARLES No. Me and Cheryl broke up two months ago. I'm with Cindy now. RAY Good. 'Cause I hated Cheryl. CHARLES What did you hate about Cheryl? RAY Well, for lack of a better term, Cheryl is a bitch. CHARLES Is that right? RAY Tony--don't you agree? TONY Man--I am not gonna call a 70 year old woman a bitch. RAY Hey. I'm not calling her one, either. I said, for lack of a better term. Didn't you hear my preamble? TONY OK. Let's just say Cheryl is unpleasant. RAY Exactly. She's unpleasant. She's unpleasant in a way that
makes you think, "This bitch is crazy." CHARLES Well. Let's talk about your woman. RAY I broke up with that crazy bitch last month. I'm recruiting new talent. CHARLES What are you looking for in a woman? RAY Oh--you know what I'm looking for. I think it's pretty obvious. A girl with class, a nice smile, money, and a maximum gluteus maximus. MGM, baby. It ain't a movie studio. It's a big butt. CHARLES Have you tried eHarmony? RAY eHarmony ain't got no pictures of gluteus maximuses. Anyways, it's a good thing you broke up with that crazy bitch, and now you're living with your two grandsons. CHARLES Three grandsons. I got another one coming in. RAY You got another grandson coming in? What--is your girlfriend pregnant? CHARLES No. I'm talking about Stanley. He's gonna live here, too.
RAY Stanley? Who the fuck is Stanley? CHARLES Stanley your cousin. RAY You mean the chip chip Cheerio English muthafucka? CHARLES Yeah. He's moving here from England. RAY The four of us are gonna be sharing this house? CHARLES Yeah. RAY I don't know, grandpa. That wasn't really part of the contract. CHARLES What contract are you taking about? RAY Well. In legalese, I'm talking about the verbal contract. CHARLES What verbal contract? RAY You know. You said some shit, and I agreed to the shit that you said. That means we entered a legally binding contract. And you didn't mention no Englishman, or no 4th roommate. Those terms ain't in the contract. Verbal agreements are
contractual. I learned that in college. TONY Are you sure you didn't learn it on Judge Mathis? CHARLES (to Ray) Oh. OK. You're pulling out the lawyer talk--huh, Mr. college graduate? Well if you want to make this a legit contract, how about you pay me $400 a month in rent? RAY Well. You know. Contracts are overrated. CHARLES Mmm Hmm. And so are college degrees. RAY Let me just say this. The three of us are family, and Stanley ain't. Why is he invited to this family barbecue? TONY Um... Stanley is family. More than you are. I mean, we're all grandpa Charles's grandsons. But me and Stanley are cousins. And you're just our half cousin. RAY I'm American. Grandpa's American. You're American. Our family is American. From America. Real America. The 48 contiguous states. Contiguous. That's a college word. 48
contiguous. No Hawaii, no Alaska, none of that Puerto Rican bullshit, and definitely no England. Stanley's ain't in our family. Stanley's family is David Beckham and William Shakespeare. He should go live with them, at Buckingham Palace. Around here, we don't have room for no Englishmen, or Alaskans, or Hawaiians, or Puerto Ricans. TONY No Puerto Ricans, huh? What about Jennifer Lopez? Do we have room for her? RAY Jennifer Lopez can spend the night here once a week--but that's it. And Stanley can visit here once a decade. Oh. And if Jennifer drops by, make sure she brings her Grandma. That way, Grandma Lopez will keep Grandpa Charles company. (turns to Charles) I got your back, Grandpa. CHARLES Shoot. I'll take Jennifer Lopez, and you hang out with Grandma Lopez. RAY Listen, I'll hang out with whichever Lopez has a bigger butt. Jennifer Lopez, Grandma Lopez... TONY George Lopez. RAY
Hey. I ain't looking at no George Lopez butt, OK? Plus, he ain't even Puerto Rican. CHARLES OK. Enough Lopez talk, Ray. Your cousin Stanley is moving in here--and that's it. You better get along with him. Or he's in, and you're out. RAY How are you gonna side with the British, Mr. Benedict Arnold? The doorbell rings. RAY That must be Pip Pip Cheerio. INT. CHARLES'S HOME (BEDROOM) - DAY Stanley puts a suitcase on a table. RAY OK. Here's your guide to American, Stanley. Let's start with the basics. In America, we watch BET, and not BBC. Alright? STANLEY Actually, plenty of Americans watch BBC. That's why there's a channel called BBC America. RAY Listen, Stanley. I'm this close to calling immigration on you. STANLEY I'm here legally. RAY Let me see your green card. Stanley just stares at him. RAY
Alright. Now here's our living arrangement. It's two bedrooms between the three of us. Mathematically, that means there's like a remainder and shit. STANLEY Mathematically, I think I just lost a hundred brain cells by listening to you. RAY So basically, here's how it goes down. Room Number one is for sleep. Room number two is for sex. So if one of us brings a honey back to the crib, he gets room number two. TONY Well what if there are two honeys? RAY It's good you brought that up. If I bring two honeys to the crib, then I'll have a threesome in room number two. TONY Ray--I meant what if two of us each bring a woman back to the crib? RAY Then room number one converts into a sex room. One of us gets room one, one of use gets room two, and the other one of us gets out of the house and sleeps in the backyard. TONY How about the living room? RAY
Whatever. ... Man. This is some weird shit. The way we're all living here. It's like two and half black men. TONY Two and a half black men? How do you figure? RAY Grandpa's black, I'm black, you're half black--and (points to Stanley) this nigga over here is English. Do the algebra, and that comes out to two and a half black men. STANLEY What the hell are you talking about? You have one black grandparent. He has two. I have four. How is it that you're black, he's half black, and I'm not black? RAY (to Tony) Do you eat collard greens? TONY Not really. RAY (to Stanley) Do you eat collard greens? STANLEY What the hell is a collard green? RAY I rest my case. And you know what? Now that I think of it (turns to Tony)
You're not even half black. I mean, you work at a convenience store. TONY So? RAY So. That means you're at least half Indian. You're half Indian, a quarter white, a quarter black. That's college math. Fractions. TONY That's fourth grade math. RAY Whatever. Mathematically, a black man don't work at no damn convenience store. Charles walks in the room.