The Internet There are a billion computer users who are like my aunt. She types with two fingers, she thinks half of the keys are just there for decoration, she calls her mouse the "clicky thing"--and if she wants to do anything other than check her emails, she needs a lot of help. Any time I see her using a computer, I become convinced that all computers are made specifically to confuse the shit out of people like her. There's no other explanation. Bill Gates and his friends must have meetings where they bring in my aunt and they tell her, "The hell with you! We're gonna test this new program on you, to make sure you have no idea how to use it." And, on a slightly related note: "Carpal tunnel syndrome is idiopathic median neuropathy at the carpal tunnel. The pathophysiology is not completely understood but can be considered compression of the median nerve traveling through the carpal tunnel." That's the introduction in Wikipedia's article on carpal tunnel syndrome. In what universe is something like that an introduction to a topic? If there were a Wikipedia skydiving school, here's what they'd do to new students on day one: they'd slip them a roofie, put a parachute on their back, blindfold them, fly them up 30,000 feet in Afghanistan, wait for them to regain consciousness, and then say, "This is your introduction to skydiving. We're going to throw you out of this fucking plane, and make you find your way back to America. And just to make things easy for you, we put a bus schedule and an Afghani-to-English dictionary in your pockets. Oh yeah. Don't forget to donate money to the Wikipedia Skydiving School. We rely on donations from people like you, asshole." I think Wikipedia's introduction to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome is useless to everyone, except for one small group: people who've already studied Carpal Tunnel Syndrome for a thousand hours, and want to give themselves a final exam on it. "I'll read the first paragraph of that Wikipedia article--and if I understand it, I'll give myself a Master's degree in Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from UCRWI: The University of Completely Ridiculous Wikipedia Intros." Some of Wikipedia's content is pretty confusing. But at least the site itself isn't confusing. Unlike Twitter. If you're one of the billion internet users who aren't familar with Twitter, it can be hard to figure out what it is. Imagine going there, and coming across Kim Kardashian's name and picture, and this text next to it:
"Shortened Koko to kokes...she calls me Keeks now, short for Kiki... RT @KardashianNavy- I love Kim's nickname for Khloe! #kokes." If you don't know much about Twitter, you'll probably end up thinking that's some sort of code that means we're going to attack the British tomorrow at noon. "Are we going to do it by air or by sea? I better check Paul Revere's Twitter." Twitter's confusing--and it doesn't go out of its way to tell you what the site is and how to use it. But at JerrySeinfeld.com, the top of every page has a link that says "What is this?" And that link takes you to a page that tells you everything you need to know about the site. How come Jerry Seinfeld is the only person on the planet who know how to run a website? We should make him the Mayor of Silicon Valley and Seattle, and give him veto power over Bill Gates and all of those other assholes. Jerry will make all computers and websites 100% compatible with your aunt. For those of you who don't know much about Twitter, it's a site that only lets you post very short messages. Some woman's like, "And that's when he took out a ring, got on one knee, and..."--and then Twitter tells her, "OK. Shut up." Then Twitter contacts that woman's finacee. "Your finacee won't stop running her mouth. Take back her ring, and spend the money on a 140 character girlfriend." It takes an hour to figure out what Twitter is--and a few hundred more hours to figure out why people use it. And then of course, there's the search engine Bing. It's confusing for another reason. Even though Bing is ranked as one of the 20 most popular sites on the internet, no one has ever actually seen someone using it. Bing has tens of millions of users--none of whom seem to exist. [Jerry Seinfeld:] "Who are these people? They must be from the Bizarro World--where people use Bing instead of Google." Google is synonymous with web searching. "Google it." As for Bing, very few people have even heard of it. If you go around talking about Binging things, most people will look at you like you're from the Bizarro World. Or even worse, they'll think, "I asked this guy about daycare centers, and he told me, 'Just bing it.' I don't know what that means--but it sounds like something that involves molesting children. I'm going to call the police." And then a few months later, a judge will tell you, "I hereby sentence you to five years in
prison for first degree binging. I still don't know what binging is--but I know that I don't want some binger like you anywhere near a kindergarten." Google is by far and away my favorite website. If you want directions to Bob's Pizzeria, all you need to do is type in "PIZ"--and then Google will say, "Based on what we know about you, it sounds like you're searching for Bob's Pizzeria. Here's the phone number, address, directions, menu, hours of operation, and the number of urinals in their men's room. We're also gonna drive you there, chew the pizza for you, do your taxes, clean your gutters, milk your cows, steal your neighbor's newspaper, and then punch him in the face for looking at your wife." The other day, I went to Yahoo and asked for directions to Bob's Pizzeria. And it said, "Take Main Street 1 mile to Hill Avenue. Then you'll see my cousin JT standing next to an El Pollo Loco. He'll give you the rest of the directions. He also sells marijuana. If you want crack, you're gonna have to drive another mile on Main Street, to my cousin C-Money. He's standing outside of a Chuck E. Cheese's." The printing press was invented around 1500--and it led to the Age of Enlightenment, the Industrial Revolution, and the Technological Revolution. Then five centuries later, the internet made it a million times quicker, easier, and cheaper for people to copy, distribute, and access text, as well as audio, images, and video. Does that mean the internet will lead to some even better enlightenment and revolution? I don't know. Here's a summary of a third of the internet: porn. And here's a summary of another third of the internet: one person saying to someone else, "You disagree with me when it comes to [insert any topic here]? Interesting. OK. I want you to die. You're the most vile, disgusting, detestable piece of shit in the world." Just go to IMDB.com's message board. It's a place where people talk about movies and TV shows. Sort of. [Person 1:] "Arrested Development is the greatest sitcom ever." [Person 2:] "You know what? It's good--but I don't love it. You think it's the greatest sitcom ever. But you're wrong. It's good--but it's not that good. Sometimes it's kind of stupid." [Person 1:] "You sir, have insulted me. I challenge you to a duel!" CLING CLAND CLING CLANG CLING. That led to a legendary 14 day, 158 comment duel in July of 2011. It covered a diverse array of topics, such as comedy, communism, quantum physics, and Justin Bieber. When Jeffrey Tambour was making episodes ofArrested Development, little did he know that his mustache would lead to a 10,000
word IMDB dissertation on the quality of Cuban healthcare, a 20,000 word dissertation on on Justin Bieber's sexual orientation, and a 30,000 word dissertation on how a user named Obamination2012 has a terrible sense of humor, and should "stick to watching Dane Cook." In normal life, a lot of people think something like, "My boss is an insane asshole, my coworker's political views are stupid, and that guy sitting over there is a fat ass. And I have to keep all of that to myself, and serve that fat ass the double bacon cheeseburger he ordered." Most people are like insult factories. They manufacture 1000 insults a day--they use about one of them in normal life, and put the other 999 in a box. And when someone like that is on the internet, he opens his box, and unloads his 999 insults: "You're a fat ass / You're a bitch / Kill yourself and dig a ditch If there's ever a World War III, it won't be started by some Serbian nationalist assassinating an Austro-Hungarian Archduke, or a German dictator invading Poland. Instead, it'll have its roots in some American guy on YouTube calling some Chinese guy on YouTube a "fucking prick." If someone had used Gutenberg's first printing press to print the type of stuff we see nowadays on YouTube and Facebook, Gutenberg himself would've burned that material, and then completely annihilated the printing press. And on a slightly related note, did you know there's a popular program that does nothing but hide the comments that are under each video at YouTube, so they won't appear on your computer? People use that program, instead of just not reading the comments. Because they think, "It's not enough to just not readYouTube comments. Those comments are infidels, I'm on a holy war--and my motto is 'Death to the infidels!'" It's interesting how almost all of the internet's content is saved. If the internet had been invented thousands of years ago, Jesus would've had YouTube videos--and we'd be able to go to those videos today, and see 2 millennium old comments like, "Dude--I can walk on water much better than you can. You don't even do it right. And as for your religion, it's never going to take off. You have 12 followers now--and you'll have 0 after you die. Instead of posting videos where you walk on water or preach on a mountain, how about you make one of you crucifying yourself?" And then Jesus would've replied, "I love you." We need some sort of a modern internet Jesus. He should go from website to website, just like Jesus went from town to town. He should start with YouTube and IMDB. Not only are people on the internet offensive, they're also easily offended. But they have standards that don't seem to make any sense. Go to YouTube, and
you'll see some good examples. A dog getting beaten up by a deer? "Offensive. Take this video down." A 3 year old girl getting kicked in the head by a horse? "Hilarious. Thumbs up. Make more videos like this one. I love the part where the girl gets kicked in the head by the horse. That horse is awesome--and that little girl is a dumb bitch. I'll bet she supports that war criminal President of ours. Fuck her. We should make glue out of her." It's like the internet is saying, "If you want to show someone getting hurt, it better be a 3 year old girl, and not a dog. And definitely not a cat. Cats on the internet are like cows in India. They're sacred." The internet is filled with cats, offenses, insults, and opinions. But one thing it lacks is patience. We've become used to having instant access to a lot of things. The internet is making people less and less patient--and if we don't start some sort of patience conservationist movement, then pretty soon people will start saying things like, "Arrested Development 3 is the worst movie ever. Part 1 is awesome, Part 2 is pretty good, and Part 3 is shit. I don't care if none of those movies have actually been made yet. Part 3 ruins the entire trilogy. Also, Israel should give back more land, and Larry the Cable Guy sucks." Very few people know that the world wide web was developed by a man named Tim Berners-Lee--and that he gave away the technology instead of copyrighting it. That's impressive. I like him. But he thinks he's so cool. His mother also seems pretty impressed. She always calls up my mother and brags. No matter what they're talking about, his mother somehow ends up mentioning how Tim invented the web. She says something like, "...and I found the address online. By the way, my son created that entire system. He invented the world wide web. The most important invention in human history. So what has your son been up to? Is he still making jokes about valet parking?" Big deal, Mrs. Berners-Lee. So your son created the web. Don't forget about the porn. Someone should remind her. "Your son invented the web? Congratulations. That led to the distribution of 5 trillion millajigabytes of porn a second. We had to invent a new unit of measurement called the millajigabyte, just because of internet porn." If someone from 1985 were to get into a time machine and show up today, he'd look around tell someone, "Hi. I'm from 1985. Uh--did you guys make hoverboards and flying cars and self-tying shoes and self-drying jackets and all of that other shit?" And then the reply would be, "No--we didn't do that. Instead, we decided to make 400 billion hours of porn, and watch it. We
thought about doing the flying car thing--but there was more demand for porn." I'm just glad there was no porn thousands of years ago. Otherwise, there wouldn't have been a stone age or a bronze age. "Should we make metal tools, or porn?" Good for you, Tim. You let us distribute more porn, you gave us a forum for our 999 insults, you facilitated a trillion pointless debates about everything known to man, you killed patience, and you convinced people that they should laugh when little girls get kicked by a horse." That's your contribution to society. Enjoy your legacy. At least my valet parking jokes aren't going to start any wars.