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2 BROKE GIRLS "And the New Neighbor" Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2014


INT. MAX AND CAROLINE’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Loud gangsta rap music begins playing from the apartment next door. CAROLINE Well. I guess the new neighbors have moved in. MAX Honey. They’re playing our song. CAROLINE This gangsta rap is our song? MAX Don’t you remember? It was playing when we first laid eyes on each other at that crack house. We fell in love--and an hour later, we robbed our first convenience store. CAROLINE And on a related note, our rent’s due Wednesday--so we’re gonna rob a convenience store tomorrow. MAX That works out perfectly--because tomorrow is our anniversary. Close up on a clock that says 8:00. Cut to the same clock saying 8:15, while a similar rap song is playing from next door. Cut to the clock saying 8:30, with yet another similar rap song playing. MAX It’s like the same song has been playing for half an hour. CAROLINE That’s not true. The first three songs were about bitches and ho’s, the next three songs were about ho’s and bitches, and this song is clearly about ho’s--no bitches.


2.

MAX Well. It’s time to handle the situation. CAROLINE How? MAX Let’s just say, we about get ghetto. INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Max and Caroline ring their neighbor’s doorbell. The door opens to reveal PHIL (25, white, "wigger," wearing a t-shirt and silver chain.) PHIL (hyper flirty, obviously very attracted to them) Yo. What up? CAROLINE (cheerful, smiling) Uh. Hello. What up, homey? Welcome to the building. PHIL If I had know you two lived here, I would’ve moved in ten years ago. MAX And if we had known you were moving in today, we would’ve moved out yesterday. PHIL Oh. Homegirl got attitude. I like that. That might earn you a second date with me. By the way--the first date is in ten seconds, and it’s gonna take place in my bedroom. MAX Actually, I have date with Snoop Dogg tonight. CAROLINE Anyways. We’re happy to have you here. Living next door to us. And, uh, I don’t know if you know this, but the walls between our (MORE)


3.

CAROLINE (cont’d) apartments--they, um, they don’t block out sound too well. PHIL Oh. You want me to tear down the walls, so the three of us can live together? CAROLINE Well. Not quite. That’s actually the opposite of what we want you to do. Can you just, uh, turn your stereo down a little? SHONDRA (21, black) walks up behind Max and Caroline. SHONDRA Phil! Would you mind explaining to me why you’re talking to these two hoochies? CAROLINE Hoochies? PHIL Shondra. I wasn’t talking to no hoochies. I was just chillin in my crib, and these hoochies knocked on my door. CAROLINE Um. We’re neighbors--not hoochies. SHONDRA Oh. You’re neighbors, huh?! Well you better stay away from my man! MAX (to Shondra) Listen, hoochie. As impressive as your man is, we’re not after him. SHONDRA I find that hard to believe. PHIL Me, too. MAX It’s true. Caroline and I are lesbians.


4. PHIL Oh really? Well I can change that. SHONDRA What did you say?! PHIL (innocently) Did I say something? I don’t think I said anything. Maybe I sneezed or something. SHONDRA Oh really? Well gezootight, you dirty dog. MAX Anyways. We’re not hoochies trying to take your man. We’re lesbian neighbors who want your man to turn down his music a little. SHONDRA (with hostility) Mm hmm. (to Phil) Phil--if I ever see you talking to these two hoochies, I’m gonna beat your white ass. Now invite me in, and turn up your music. She stares down Max and Caroline and walks in to Phil’s apartment. PHIL (to Max and Caroline) Alright. I’ll see you later. SHONDRA Phil! Stop talking to them! He closes the door. INT. DINER - DAY Max is asleep, with her head on a table where a MALE DINER (40s) and his WIFE are seated. MALE DINER (to Max, who remains asleep) Uh. Miss. Are our cheeseburgers ready?


5. MAX (talking in her sleep) I’m not a hoochie. You’re a hoochie. MALE DINER (to his Wife) Honey--she called me a hoochie. Han walks up the table. HAN (to the Diners) I’m awfully sorry about this. MALE DINER She called me a hoochie. HAN Sir. You’re not a hoochie. (to Max) Max! Max! Wake up! Max pushes Han’s hip and waist a few times, like she’s trying to press a button MAX (half asleep, eyes half shut) Where the hell is the snooze button? She touches Han again. HAN Max. That’s my belly button. MAX Snooze. HAN Max! Wake up! I’m not an alarm clock! MAX (still half asleep, eyes half shut) This is the most annoying alarm clock ever. HAN I’m not an alarm clock! I’m your boss! Max wakes up, She looks around.


6.

HAN Max. These two customers are waiting for their cheeseburgers. MAX Han. I just woke up, OK? Give me a minute to get situated. I’m gonna go take a shower--you make me breakfast. HAN Max! You fell asleep on the job! MAX Calm down. It’s not like I work somewhere important--like the White House, or a Waffle House, or a crackhouse. HAN Go get the cheeseburgers! Caroline walks up to the table holding the cheeseburgers. CAROLINE I got them. MAX Great. I’m gonna take a nap. She puts her head down on the table. HAN Max! Get up! She presses his hip again. MAX Damn alarm clock. HAN I’m not an an alarm clock! She continues sleeping. MALE DINER (to Han) You know--your diner has terrible service. But I gotta say--your cheeseburgers are delicious.


7.

HAN Great. Don’t forget to tip your waitress. MALE DINER The one who’s asleep, or the one who’s awake? INT. MAX AND CAROLINE’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY MAX Ugh. I’ve gotta get some sleep. CAROLINE Didn’t you sleep enough at work? MAX I would’ve--but that damn alarm clock kept on waking me up. I tried pouring water on it, but it didn’t stop ticking. CAROLINE Uh. You do realize that Han is not an electronic gadget? MAX Are you sure? I mean, he was made in Korea. CAROLINE But he runs on Tootsie Rolls--not batteries. MAX The point is, that rap music kept me up all night, and that Korean alarm clock kept me up all day. Loud rap music starts playing from the apartment next door. MAX Great. How did you get to much sleep last night, with DJ Wigga in the other room? CAROLINE I’m used to sleeping to the sound of loud rap music. I was raised in the ghetto--remember?


8.

MAX You were raised in a mansion. CAROLINE Yeah. But the mansion next to us was occupied by the Wu Tang Klan, and they had loud parties every night. MAX You were neighbors with the Wu Tang Klan? CAROLINE Hell yeah. And I was best friends with the Ol Dirty Bastard’s daughter Tracy. MAX Well--what am I gonna do about the dirty bastard who lives next door to us? CAROLINE I guess we gotta try talking to him again. INT. HALLWAY - DAY Caroline and Max walk up to Phil’s apartment and ring the doorbell. Phil answers it, shirtless. PHIL Ah yeah. I knew you two would be back. You missed me, right? You couldn’t stop thinking about me. MAX Um. Yeah. Can you put on a shirt? PHIL No. MAX OK. Uh. Your girlfriend isn’t here, is she? PHIL Please. Shondra is not my girlfriend. She’s just some hoochie from down the block.


9. CAROLINE Really? Then how did she get into the building yesterday? PHIL I gave her my spare key. (to Max) Anyways, are you ready for our date? MAX Yeah. But we can’t actually be seen together in public. PHIL Why not? MAX My father. He’ll flip out if he finds out I’m dating a black man. PHIL Alright. I understand. CAROLINE Really? You understand? PHIL Why don’t you two come in, and make yourselves comfortable? And by "comfortable," I mean "drunk and naked." MAX Well. It’s our first date--so I’m not ready to go into your apartment. PHIL So you don’t want to go out in public, and you don’t want to go in in private? Then where do you want to go? MAX This hallway’s fine. So uh, remember what we said yesterday about the thin walls? PHIL Right. You want me to tear down the walls--like we’re in the Soviet Union.


10.

CAROLINE Wow. You know about the Berlin Wall? (to Max) Max--he really is a catch. He knows about history, and he told us to get drunk and naked. TONY (25, wigga) walks up behind Max and Caroline. TONY What up, Phil! Max and Caroline turn and see him. TONY (to Phil) Yo. Introduce me to your friends. PHIL Tony--this is my brunette neighbor, and my blonde neighbor. I don’t know their names--but I’m currently on a date with the brunette. TONY Well. That works out well. Because I was planning to go for the blonde. CAROLINE Wow. How charming. (to Phil) How did he get into the building? PHIL I gave him my other spare key. Sophie walks up to everyone. SOPHIE Hi, everybody. Max, Caroline. Introduce me to your two cute friends. TONY I got dibs on her. (points to Caroline) And her. Just then, Shondra walks up to everyone.


11.

SHONDRA Oh--hell no! Now there’s three hoochies. CAROLINE Once again, we are not hoochies. PHIL Listen. This is getting a little confusing. How about all of y’all come into my apartment-(looks at Tony) except for you (resumes talking to everyone) --and then we’ll open a few bottles of vodka, and sort out whatever we need to sort out? SHONDRA How about I beat your white ass? (she turns to Tony) By the way, Tony. Where’s the hundred dollars you owe me? If you don’t give me my money, I’m gonna beat your ass, too! CAROLINE How about the three of you (points to Phil, Tony, and Shondra) go in there, (points to Phil’s apartment) and beat whatever asses need to be beaten; and the three of us (points to herself, Max, and Sophie) go in there, (points to her apartment) and also beat some asses? Does that sound good? PHIL Wait a second. I’m in the middle of a date with the brunette. SHONDRA You’re dating this hoochie! That’s it. I’m gonna beat your ass! She attacks him.


12.

INT. MAX AND CAROLINE’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY MAX OK. That didn’t really solve any problems. Loud rap music once again starts playing at Phil’s apartment. SOPHIE Ooh. I love this song. (sings along) Bitches and ho’s / Bitches and ho’s / Bitches and bitches and bitches and ho’s She takes out her cell phone and dials a number. SOPHIE (on phone) Oleg. Listen. She puts her phone to the wall. SOPHIE Yeah. They’re playing our song. ... I still hate you, though. She hangs up. SOPHIE So is that Phil guy single? I like him. MAX Well, he’s single--but he’s dating me, and he’s seeing the woman who attacked him. SOPHIE So he is single. Awesome. (listens in to the song) Oh. This is my favorite part. (sings along) Bitches and money / Bitches and money / Bitches and bitches and bitches and money.


13.

INT. MAX AND CAROLINE’S APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - NIGHT A clock reads 11:30. Loud rap music can still be heard from Phil’s apartment. Caroline is asleep. MAX Caroline. Are you asleep? Caroline doesn’t answer. Max throws a teddy bear at her head. CAROLINE Ah! What the hell was that. MAX There was a drive-by teddy bear attack. CAROLINE Max--what do you want? MAX I can’t sleep. CAROLINE So what do you want me to do? MAX Can you do me a favor and bust a cap in Tony’s ass? INT. MAX AND CAROLINE’S APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - DAY CAROLINE Max. Get up. We’re gonna be late for work. Max uses her finger to push Caroline’s midsection, as if she’s pressing a button. CAROLINE Max! Get up! MAX (half asleep, with her yes half open) Damn it. I can never find the snooze button.


14.

CAROLINE Max. I’m not an alarm clock. MAX (still half asleep) Stop talking, alarm clock. Caroline grabs a glass off water from Max’s nightstand, and pours the water on Max. Max wakes up, and looks up at Caroline. MAX That counts as my shower. CAROLINE It better. We have like two minutes to leave for work. MAX OK. She gets up and grabs her pillow. CAROLINE You’re taking your pillow to the diner? MAX And my bed. Help me push. INT. DINER - DAY HAN Max. Where’s Caroline? CAROLINE She’s, uh--she’s gonna come in a little late. HAN How late? CAROLINE She’ll be here at 12:30. Tomorrow. HAN What? CAROLINE She’s sleeping.


15.

HAN Oh. OK. Well when she wakes up, can you tell her that she’s fired? CAROLINE Han. It’s not her fault. We have this neighbor that keeps her up all night with loud rap music. OLEG Wait a second? Are you talking about Phil? CAROLINE Yes. How did you know that? OLEG I’m homeys with Phil. Yeah. The other day, he mentioned how some blonde and brunette hoochies from next door complained about his music, and how they want to sleep with him after he tears down the Berlin Wall. I didn’t know you and Max were the hoochies. CAROLINE We’re not the hoochies. We’re the neighbors. And we don’t want to sleep with him. OLEG Well, according to Phil, any woman within a ten mile radius wants to sleep with him. But I still don’t get what he meant by "tearing down the Berlin Wall." Is that some kind of Russian sexual technique? HAN (to Caroline) Um. Sorry to interrupt your idiotic conversation. But when you’re done talking to Oleg, can you come to my office, so I can fire you? CAROLINE I’ll get back to work, Han. HAN You better. I’m down to one waitress.


16.

CAROLINE OK. I’ll work twice as hard as usual. She walks over to a table. CAROLINE Hi. What do you want? DINER Um... Uh... CAROLINE It sounds like you want eggs. (calls out to Oleg) Oleg--make him some eggs. INT. DINER (KITCHEN) - DAY (Later) CAROLINE Ughh. I’ve been running around here for two hours doing my job and Max’s job. OLEG Yeah. You must be very tired from telling me to make eggs. CAROLINE Oleg--you have to help use get rid of Phil. OLEG But I can’t kill him. He’s my homey. CAROLINE How can we get him to move? There’s gotta be a way. OLEG Well. We can manipulate him with something he loves, or something he hates. CAROLINE Well. What does he love and hate?


17.

OLEG Let’s see. Phil loves hip hop, sex, and KFC bowls. And he hates Wikipedia, Jimmy Fallon, and horses. CAROLINE Horses? I have a horse. I can use my horse. OLEG Oh. I figured you’d use Jimmy Fallon and a KFC bowl. CAROLINE Why does Phil hate horses? OLEG He has a mental disorder known as horsaphobia. CAROLINE Horsaphobia? OLEG It’s a fear of horses. CAROLINE Oh really? I though horsaphobia was a fear of 18th century violins. OLEG No. Phil isn’t scared of 18th violins. Unless the 18th century violin is being played by a horse. CAROLINE Well. How horsaphobic is Phil? (to herself) I can’t believe I just used the word horsaphobic. OLEG He’s extremely horsaphobic. Any time he’s at Toy R Us, he won’t even get near the My Little Pony dolls.


18.

INT. MAX AND CAROLINE’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY Caroline walks in, and goes to the bedroom. Max is still asleep. Caroline picks up a glass of water on her nightstand, and pours it on her. Max wakes up. CAROLINE You’re going on a date with Phil. MAX That reminds me. I need to refill my pepper spray. INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT Loud rap music is playing from Phil’s apartment. Max knocks on Phil’s door. The door opens to reveal Phil shirtless, and holding a paddleball game/toy. PHIL OK, baby. Let’s cut to the chase. You’re body is obviously aching for Phil--and lucky for you, I’m willing to let you have sex with me. MAX Um. Yeah. My body is aching for you. Uh--can you put on a shirt? PHIL No. So uh, how about you stop knocking on my door, and we start knocking boots? MAX That sounds awesome. PHIL I know it does, baby. MAX Ooh. I love it when you call me baby. PHIL I know you do, baby. MAX Wow, Phil--you’re looking buff. Have you been working out?


19.

PHIL I was just playing a little paddebeall. Yeah. I bought this yesterday at Toy R Us. MAX Now that we’re on a second date, I think I’m ready to take the next step with you. Why don’t you come over to my place for a candlelight dinner. Do you like KFC bowls? PHIL Do I like KFC bowls? Your boy Philly Phil loves three things. MAX I know. Hip hop, sex, and KFC bowls. PHIL How’d you know? MAX It’s tattooed on your arm. PHIL Oh yeah. He reads the tattoo on his arm. PHIL "I love hip hop, sex, and KFC bowls." MAX You misspelled bowls. B-O-L-E-S. PHIL That’s the ghetto way to spell bowls. MAX Your ghetto-ness really turns me on. PHIL I know it does, baby. MAX Get in my apartment, right now.


20. PHIL Let’s do this, baby. INT. MAX AND CAROLINE’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY PHIL Where are the KFC bowls? MAX Who cares about KFC bowls? I want you right now. PHIL OK. And then we’ll have KFC afterwards? MAX Forget about KFC. PHIL Forgotten. It’s all about you, baby. By the way--what’s your name? MAX You want to my name? That’s so romantic. PHIL That’s how I roll, baby. They call me Philly Phil Casanova. MAX They call me Maxi Max... Max. Or Max for short. Max walks over to where MAX Come here, Philly Phil. This is my hot spot. PHIL You mean that’s where your cell phone get the best reception? MAX No. I mean this is where my body gets the most reception. Come here. PHIL I’m on my way, baby. He walks over there.


21.

MAX Close your eyes. He closes his eyes. Max opens the door to reveal Chestnut’s face or his rear end. Chestnut moves in, and Phil kisses him. MAX Look at me, Phil. Phil opens his eyes, stares frozen at Chestnut for five seconds, and then falls to the ground. PHIL What kind of shenanigans are y’all pulling over here?! MAX No shenanigans. Just a little horseplay. PHIL Yo. I do foreplay! No horseplay! You got me all horsed up! I can’t be around no place where I kissed a horse! I’m moving out! When Shondra drops by, tell that hoochie that I don’t live here no more! MAX Alright. I’ll be sure to relay the message to Shondra. Phil runs out. INT. DINER - DAY Caroline and Max walk in. HAN (referring to Max) Oh. Look who showed up for work. MAX Han. Has anyone ever told you that you have a voice like an alarm clock? OLEG How was last night?


22.

MAX What do you mean? OLEG Phil told me he got busy with you. MAX He got busy with my horse. OLEG He didn’t mention a horse. He said he got busy with you, and you fell so in love with him that he had to move out. Shondra walks in. SHONDRA Where’s that brunette hoochie?! MAX That would be me. SHONDRA I heard you slept with my man--and now you’re stalking him, and he had to move to a new crib! Phil walks in, holding a KF bag. PHIL Shondra! SHONDRA Phil. What are you doing here? Are you gonna sleep with this hoochie again? PHIL Shondra. No. None of that horseplay for me, baby. I’ve been thinking a lot since yesterday. About us. SHONDRA Us? PHIL Yeah. Us. Read my tattoo. SHONDRA "I love hip hop, sex, and KFC bowls... and Shondra."


23.

PHIL And Shondra. He gets on one knee. PHIL Shondra... uh, what’s your last name, Shondra? SHONDRA Jenkins. PHIL Shondra Jenkins. Will you marry me? Um, I didn’t get a ring, but I brought you this KFC bowl. He takes a KFC bowl out of the bag. SHONDRA Yes, Phil! Yes I’ll marry you! He gets up, and they hug and kiss. Caroline is crying. MAX Caroline. Are you crying? CAROLINE Of course I’m crying. That was so romantic. PHIL (to Shondra) OK. Let’s go to your place and get busy. They walk out. Phil comes back in without Shondra. PHIL (to Max) So, uh, I’ll call you later, and we can finish what we started last night. But keep that horse away from me.


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