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Bernie Schlomowitz I once came across a YouTube comment that said, "Jews don't talk sports or play sports. Because that doesn't make them money. Jews only care about making money. They're taking our money right now. Did you know that any time someone gets change for a dollar, the Jews get a four and a half cent commission, and they piss on your pet dog and slap a Christian baby in the face?" He was comenting on some weird anti-Semitic nature video where three white supremacists take a jeep to LA's Jewish district, and one of them narrates: "Oh my goodness. Lots of us have read about this--but this is the first time it's being captured on film. A Jew is playing sports. And he's drinking Gentile blood out of a Gatorade bottle. Uh oh! He's coming towards us, so he can repossess our jeep! And after he does that, he's going to slap a Christian baby in the face." Some people are convinced that Jews only care about money. I think a lot of people feel that way. In fact, after Jewish baseball player Sandy Koufax pitched a shutout in Game 7 of the 1965 World Series, the league handed him an award for Most Valuable Banker. And the next day, the sports page said, "Koufax is so good with money, that he used an interest rate changeup to strike out Harmon Killebrew. And then he foreclosed on his home, and slapped a Christian baby in the face. That's what Jews consider a 'perfect game.' Hits and walks are irrelevant to them." On YouTube, there are a lot of videos and comments about how a family of Jewish bankers known as the Rothschilds are worth $500 trillion. That sounds like a lot, considering how the entire world is only worth $900trillion. How did all of those people on YouTube determine that the Rothschilds have $500 trillion? "Well, we took America's GDP, we added its GNP, we multiplied that by how much we hate Israel, we multiplied that by the box office gross of Adam Sandler's last movie, we added the number of troy ounces of wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, and then we multiplied everything by how much we distrust Jews. And all of that came out to $500 trillion. That's how much the Rothschilds are worth." According Forbes magazine, the Rothschilds are only worth $10 billion. Where are they hiding the other $499.99 trillion? Do they have a few trillion $100 bills under a few billion mattresses? Yes. And what about the world's other 14 million Jews? Steven Spielberg is supposedly worth $3.2 billion. But after you factor in how he's hiding 99.995% of his fortune like the Rothschilds,


that puts his net worth at $160 trillion. YouTube math. And then there's Bernie Schlomowitz. I don't even know who that is--but if he exists, he's worth $3.7 trillion. After all, his name is Bernie Schlomowitz. That means he's partners with the Rothschilds and Spielberg, he slaps 127 Christian babies a day, and he owns five mattress factories. Most mattress factories are actually just hiding places for Jewish money. And let's not forget about the homeless Jewish guy who lives near me. He has ten quarters, nine dimes, five nickels, and six pennies in his cup. That means he's hiding another $200,000 in change under some old mattress in a garbage dump. He accumulated his fortune by pissing on your pet dog, and by lending money to other homeless people at a 497% interest rate. One thing I've noticed is that if someone distrusts Jews, that's always his main topic of coversation. I was at a restaurant the other day, and I heard someone at the table next to me put in his order: "I'll have the sirloin steak, and a side of rice. All Jews are bastards. Write that down on your pad." [Waiter:] "Um. OK, sir. And how would you like your steak cooked?" [Customer:] "Medium well. Israel is garbage." [Waiter:] "And do you want fries or a baked potato?" [Customer:] "I want the Jews take their hands out of my pockets. I don't care if you bring me a medium well steak, a bucket of the Colonel's chicken, or a pound of Crisco. I'll give you a $20 tip if you hate Jews, and I'll boycott this restaurant if you support Israel. That's what's going on here. Do you understand this situation?!" Then he got up from his chair, took out a megaphone, and told the entire restaurant, "Ben Bernanke is Chairman of the Federal Reserve. And he's Jewish. That means Jews run the world." By the way, I'm Jewish. And after I left that restaurant, I called up Jew headquarters and told them, "We got a problem. People are on to us. Some Crisco eater at a restaurant knows about our secret world domination--as do a few million people on YouTube. You know what? Maybe we should stop telling everyone that Ben Bernanke is the Fed's chairman. After all, we're supposed to control the world secretly--remember? Let's have a press conference. We'll point to two Native American guys and say, 'This is Federal Reserve Chief Green Eagle and his sidekick Tonto. They're in charge of everything.'" I'm surprised no one's thought of that before. People are suspicious of Jews-but they won't be suspicious of Native American figureheads. They'll think, "Green Eagle and Tonto want me to live in harmony with nature. That's why they changed the Fed's interest rates."


Adam Sandler: Public Enemy Number One A lot of white supremacists teach their children to hate Jews. A kid says, "OK mom--I'm going to school"--and his mother replies, "OK honey. Don't forget to take your lunch. And don't forget to hate the Jews. [Daughter:] "OK, Mom. Bye." [Mother:] "Bye, honey. I love you. And I hate the Jews. I love as you as much as I hate the Jews." You have to remind kids to hate Jews--because they might get preoccupied with something else. But by the time they're adults, they don't need any more reminders. Even if they have amnesia. [Doctor:] "What's your name?" [Man with Amnesia:] "I don't know." [Doctor:] "Are you married?" [Man with Amnesia:] "I don't know." [Doctor:] "Where do you live?" [Man with Amnesia:] "All Jews are bastards. I mean, um, I don't know where I live." And then ten minutes later, he's watching TV: "In related news, Israel..." [Man with Amnesia:] "ISRAEL! Sons of bitches! Who the hell do they think they are! Oh--wait a second. I remember everything. I'm Bob Smith. I'm not married. I live in Little Rock. And my least favorite movie is You Don't Mess with the Zohan. Adam Sandler is a piece of shit. He's partners with the Rothschilds, Steven Spielberg, and Bernie Schlomowitz. Fucking Jews!" Bob ties almost everything he does into his hatred of Jews. When he's at a gas station, instead of seeing a gallon of gas go from the pump into his tank, he sees $4.30 going out of his credit card and into the Jewish pocket. He can't take it. He ends up buying an electric car. Someone sees it and asks him, "Are you an environmentalist?" And he replies, "Hell no. I just hate Jews. I hate trees--but I hate Jews even more. That's why I drive an electric car. Adam Sandler is a piece of shit." Then he plays a round of golf, and says, "I shot four over par. I would've done much better, if it weren't for all of those Israeli sandtraps." And then a few hours later, his fiancee comes home, and he tells her, "According to Netflix, one of us watched three Adam Sandler movies. I wonder who." [Fiancee:] "Listen, Bob. I hate the Jews. But I just like watching Adam Sandler movies." [Bob:] "Get out of my house right now. Go marry Adam Sandler, light a menorah, and dance the hora with him."


Whenever a Jewish mother hears that her daughter is dating someone new, she thinks, "I hope he's Jewish." And whenever a white supremacist comes across a new white person he hates, he thinks, "I hope he's Jewish." It's a recurring theme in his life. "That son of a bitch. ... I hope he's Jewish." In 2008, Bob flipped on the news and heard, "Some guy in the financial industry stole billions of dollars. His name is Bernie Madoff." And then of course, Bob thought, "That son of a bitch. ... I hope he's Jewish." And after finding out that Madoff was Jewish, he thought, "We caught the Jews redhanded." To Bob, if a Jew steals money, that means that Jew represents the Jews. What would happen if Bob were to use a cancer cure developed by a Jew? Would he give credit to the Jews? [Coworker:] "Where have you been?" [Bob:] "I had to take a few days off. Because of the Jews." [Coworker:] "What do you mean because the Jews?" [Bob:] "You know. I was sick. Because of the Jews." [Coworker:] "How did the Jews make you sick?" [Bob:] "I took the Jewish cancer cure--and it gave me the flu as a side effect. ... Freaking Jews." [Coworker] "Well--at least you don't have cancer anymore." [Bob:] "Yeah-after the Jews gave it to me, charged me a thousand dollars for the cure, and then slapped my baby. Fucking Jews!"

More Jewish Than Spielberg I'm a Jew, and I'm trying to make it in Hollywood. According to Bob and millions of other people, Hollywood goes out of its way to favor Jews. My last name is Ohebsion. Ohev Tzion. Love Zion. I should get an executive producer credit just for that. My last name makes "Spielberg" sound like Cross. Compared to me, Steven Spielberg is Steven Cross--a bacon eating, gun toting, engine repairing, shelf building pastor from Arkansas. I'm the one who should be deciding his fate in the industry. And yet, no one in Hollywood is willing to even read my movie scripts. My Jew status isn't even enough to get me past stage one. If I'm going to be blamed for things like the "Jew media," can I at least be part of the Jew media? Or maybe the Gentiles control things, and they're the ones convincing people that it's the Jews. And if that's the case, I want in on whatever they're doing. Where do I sign up? I want to be part of whatever will help me sell my movie script. I don't care if I have to partner up with the Jews, the Gentiles, the


International House of Pancakes, or the North American Baby Slappers Association. I also want to make it as an actor. Maybe I should change my name. A lot of Jewish entertainers do that. It's happened plenty of times before. Chaim Weitz became Gene Simmons, Allan Stewart Konigsberg became Woody Allen, Amos Muzyad Yakhoob Kairouz became Danny Thomas, Tiffany Hadassah Yehudit Zionstein Goldberg became Madonna, and Calvin Jones became Jerry Seinfeld. For some reason, Seinfeld went in the opposite direction.

Anti-Israeli Geography and Anti-Palestinian Math It took a while for Jews and Christians to get along--but nowadays, they're generally on good terms with each other. Jews and Muslims, on the other hand, are still having some problems. That's not always the case, though. Sometimes Jews and Muslims get along very well, too. For example, there's a Synagogue in Virginia that local Muslims sometimes use as a Mosque, and there's a Mosque in the Bronx that local Jews sometimes use as a Synagogue. But all in all, Jews and Muslims aren't as friendly as they ought to be towards each other. And their feud is connected a lot to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Many Muslims won't even acknowledge the existence of Israel. I'll bet their schools focus a lot on geography. [Teacher:] "What country is east of Egypt?" [Students:] "Palestine." [Teacher:] "What country is west of Jordan?" [Students:] "Palestine." [Teacher:] "What country is south of Lebanon?" [Students:] "Palestine." [Teacher:] "What country is east of Egypt?" [Students:] "Can we please study something else? We get the point." [Teacher:] "No! Geography is very important! Now can anyone tell me what country is east of Egypt?" [Students:] "Can we study history or something?" [Teacher:] "OK--fine. Last year, who was responsible for everything bad that happened in the world? [Students:] "The Israelis." [Teacher:] "And what about the year before that?" [Students:] "The Israelis." [Teacher:] "And what about next year?" [Students:] "The Israelis." Their maps have no mention of Israel-and their history books have 142,000 mentions of Israelis.


And in a lot of Jewish homes, there's a similar theme in the other direction. The parents tell their kids, "Let's do some math problems. The type they don't teach you at school. Like '3 Palestinians + 4 Palestinians = 7 terrorists.'" And then when that child goes to school the next day, his mother tells him, "Don't forget to take your lunch. And don't forget to hate the Muslims." Israel is one of the smallest countries in the world. There's not much land there. But two different groups want it. And that has led to one of the biggest conflicts in the world. Smallest country, biggest conflict. Even if there are a hundred good spots available in a parking lot, a Jew and Palestinian will find a way to fight over one of them. I get the feeling that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is more about having a conflict than it is about land. Some Jews and Muslims are intent on fighting. They could fight over anything. It doesn't have to be over a small country like Israel. It could be over a small city. It could be over a small town. It could be over a small piece of land in that town. It could even be over a small part of that small piece of land. [Palestinian:] "A Palestinian will stand on this square foot of land!" [Israeli:] "No. An Israeli will stand on the land!" [Palestinian:] "No! A Palestinian!" [Israeli:] "No. Israeli." They'd have to work out some sort of compromise. [Palestinian:] "OK. A Palestinian will stand on it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays; and an Israeli will stand on it on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays." [Israeli:] "What about Sundays?" [Palestinian:] "On Sundays, an Israeli will stand on it, and a Palestinian will sit on his shoulders." [Israeli:] "No, no, no, no. A Palestinian will stand on it, and an Israeli will sit on his shoulders." [Palestinian:] "What? No! Death to you!" [Israeli:] "No, death to you!" How can we get Israelis and Palestinians, and Jews and Muslims in general to get along? Maybe we should rename Israel "Detroit." [Palestinian:] "You can have it." [Israeli:] "No. You take Detroit. I insist." Here's a better idea. Let's get Israelis and Palestinians in a room, and have them agree on things one step at a time. [Israeli:] "What do you think of food? I like eating food." [Palestinian:] "Yes, food. Food is very good." And then move on to air, sunlight, a few thousand other things--and finally, a land and peace agreement. That could get tricky, though. If they mention any specific foods during stage one, things could get out of hand pretty quickly: [Israeli:] "I like chicken soup.


Do you like chicken soup?" [Palestinian:] "No! I don't like chicken soup! You're working for Satan! Death to you!" I also think Israel really needs to build some goodwill with Palestinians and Muslims in general. The Israeli government should have an organization that helps Palestinians. And I mean only Palestinians. They should open a waterpark for Palestinians. No Israelis admitted. Then Prime Minister Netanyahu should go down to the waterpark and try to get in, only to be turned away for being Israeli. And finally, the Israeli government should use those themes on its currency. The back of each bill will have a picture of Palestinians playing at the waterpark. And the front will have Netanyahu being refused admission, with a towel in his hand and a disappointed look on his face. If Palestinians see that enough times, they're going to have a tough time hating the Israeli government. And here's another good idea. The US should call up countries like Pakistan and say, "Remember that $800 million in aid that we took away from you? We'll give it back. As long as you one out of every ten 'Death to Americas' and 'Death to Israels,' and replace them with an 'E equals MC squared.'" If that happens, Islamic fundamentalists will advance science and technology more than the rest of the world combined. They'll turn the Muslim world into Back to the Future II within a few years. After all, they're way more devoted than people everywhere else. In the West, some people are devoted and hardworking--but most just go through their 9 to 5 whatever. But in the Taliban, there's none of that 9 to 5 casual attitude. There's no, "OK--at 9:00, I'll do some filing. At 10:00, I'll go for a coffee break. And at 10:15, I'll launch an attack on the rest of the world. Death to Israel, death to America. And then at 6:00, I'll watch Two and Half Men."

Bernie Schlomowitz  

Rodney Ohebsion

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