CV Bloopers Description of Self: “I am a dilettante and a factotum whose knowledge of English and its usage, earmark me as an ideal candidate.” “The idea of finding purpose and drive, in both life and a career, is something that I have thought about, and am currently exploding.” “I am a marketing master that can develop unlimited campaign ideas from the fertile right side of my brain.” “A wealth of experience combined with the desire to do more make me both enthusiastic and frustrated”. “The colors red, blue, and lavender are those that I identify with the most. I feel they accurately describe my personality.” “Although I trained as an Accountant and for the past eight years I worked for a major Accountancy firm, I am no good at my job and get bored very easily. So I'm looking for something different and wondered if you have any other opportunities that may be of interest to me”. “My name is ____, and I kick ass. See resume for details.” “…a loan and credit underwriter, experienced at analising loan applications and… “Marital status: Not Known” “I tend to only procrastinate when I have to make a decision”. “Let's meet, so you can get really excited over my experience”. “Since graduating a year ago I have devoted the last year to travelling the world. I know that once I get into a job I will be able to manage your Shipping Department in no time at all”. “Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments”. “I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Will consider anything, please feel free to respond to my CV and call me on my work number”.
Achievements: “I was proud to win the Typting Award at secretarial college”. “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a National Retail Chain”. “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year”.
Reason for leaving last job: “Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”
Qualifications: “Professionally watered 22,500 house plants.”
Leadership Experience: “I am the leader of a 6,000 member clan on World of Warcraft.”
Personal Attributes: “Excellent memory, strong math aptitude, excellent memory.” “…an onest and ambitious person, understanding the words as deadline, professional skills, communication with people, seriousity.”
Training: “18811995: Teaching and attending evening classes for computer science.”
Email Address: firstname.lastname@example.org
Previous Work Experience: “Took the 40 pound frozen hamburger patty box out of the freezer, broke them apart with a screwdriver and a hammer and put them in the cooker conveyor belt. Took the cooked patties and buns (there are two sizes, whopper and regular) and put them into the appropriate sized bun. Put the assembled burgers into the steamer. It was also my responsibility to clean the tiles on the floor underneath the tables where the cleaners couldn’t reach with their machines.” “Creator / Writer: ihatemylife.com” “Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse”. “In recent years commensurate with my career development, I have been more engaged in the management of relevant projects.” (???) “I have experience in Pubic Relations”
Workplace Requirements: “Minor allergies to house cats and sheep.”
Interests: “I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.” “Running, editing video, cooking, writing and wondering”. "My hobbies include regular attendance at my local gym and swimming poo"
Commitment: “Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.” “I will give the job my all as long as it doesn't interfere with my busy social life. My social life is very important to me”.