THE MERTONIAN Vol. 1, No. 4. Fifth Week, Michaelmas 2010
HASTE BANNED FROM D’ MURE ROOM
PROMISCUITY T HE M ERTONIAN has witnessed an increasing tendency towards deviant practices on the student body such as kissing, bisexuality, cuddling, incest, sharking and squirreling during the last two weeks. The culmination of these events occurred at 0127 hours at Oxford's Biggest Student Night. The Mertonian can now exclusively reveal the horrific site of the Animal Testing Laboratory and of the seating area by the bar in the cheese floor, where a certain two Merton students were seen to engage in heavy petting and light conversation and aperitifs. The gregarious gathering was greeted with much berryment. Unfortunately, the squirrel is out of the bag. Runninʼ all over the place. Although one of the implicated parties had successfully applied for an injunction against this storyʼs release (libel, common law, tort, IRO Vs Merton JCR ex.p R), it only lasted until Saturday. This has been attributed to Microsoft Word for what can only be described as a “major cock-up”. The IT manager was found weeping over the stone table. Although the Merton Twelve had no knowledge of these events, the outgoing access rep commented: “I had a lot of WKD, and some poppers. Wild. Yeah I know.” The incoming access rep commented: “The recent news distressed me greatly, fortunately I was at a Masonic dinner and have wealth beyond belief.” Incidents of promiscuity have been on the rise in college ever since the introduction of the college parenting system which has been condemned by the Holy See. Anthropologist Tim Westwood commented: “The decline in fidelity can be attributed solely to MP3s.” A motion was passed at the Ordinary General Meeting of the JCR neither condemning nor condoning but not explicitly representing nor coercing these allegations. Jonathan Hinder commented: “This can wait until weʼre outside.”
Dʼ M URE R OOM , Mertonʼs most conservative establishment, has recently come under fire for its apparent elitist principles. Dʼ room, famous for the promotion of men and forcing female members to wear bonnets and drink tea and scones quietly, yesterday forbade second-year historian and photography enthusiast Oliver Haste from attending its celebrated meekly event Port and Prejudice. The order was passed as a result of the afore-mentioned memberʼs attention-seeking publicity stunt in which he bleached his hair and regularly attended Baby Love Bar. Dʼ room, which is not the oldest university in the north but is something, is renowned for the implementation of smelling salts, the segregation of men and women at dinner and talking very very quietly about Catholic doctrine. Mary Whitehouse MA CBE SHHH was a founding member of the society. She was unavailable for comment because she died.
THE MISSION ACCUSED OF POST-COLONIALISM O XFORDʼS ONLY and best burrito bar chain restaurants have become embroiled in a scandal concerning their post-modernist attitudes. A sauce close to the restaurant was found to be ketchup. Other sauces suggest that the use-by-date is past. Claude Levi-Strauss (1955) wrote: “I think we need to move towards a participant-observation methodology; this is a culture which is primarily concerned with sour cream.” The Mission, which has served Mertonʼs Catholic community with fauxMexicana food since 1544, has recently shunned its religious origins to try to attract more applicants. Nick Clegg has proselytised that this new model was inspired by Regentʼs Park. Neither of these are colleges or in London. In more recent scholarship, post-structural theories have been problematised.
SCR COMPOSED P R E D O M I N AT E L Y O F MERTON FELLOWS THERE ARE NOW as many Magdalen graduates as there are Lib Dems in the coalition Cabinet.
Puzzles Section To which Mertonian does this fob belong?
crucifixus Are the following utterances facebook statuses or cries for help? _____ : get problem set, try really hard, hand in, get it back, get told it was all wrong, get problem set, try really hard, hand in, get it back, get told it was all wrong, get problem set... I see how this works now Like _____ : no-one happens to have found a translation of 'The Kingis Quair' have they? Like _____ : I just started writing a novel. Like _____ : finds it hilarious that he just woke Benjamin Walpole up, who had slept for 16 hours straight and thought I was waking him up at 6 in the morning for no good reason... Like _____ : does anyone want to buy my Holga camera off me? You don't have to be a hipster to have one but it helps. Like
Time Ceremony Quiz (a) (b) (c) (d) (e) (f) (g) (h) (i) (j) (k) (l) (m) (n) (o) (p) (q) (r)
Did you attend this year? Would you attend last year? When? What happened when? And what followed? Is time constant? Do you have the time? I donʼt have the time for you, Guy Daws. I had a really good time. Hammertime? Hmm, nice watch. How long can a watch tell? What saves nine? The final countdown!?! Would you like a cup of tea? Would you? You have 15 seconds less. Discuss eschatology. Terminat hora diem, terminat auctor opus.
AN OGM YOU WISHED YOU MISSED WHILST THE MERTONIAN thrives on the reporting of petty issues such as JCR politics, last weekʼs JCR meeting proved too tiresome to comment on. But, much furore was made about OUSU and Oxford Tube ticketing prices (see OxStu Vol. 57. No. 5, 2010). The second-most important issue of the night did not arise. Most controversially, of course, a footballer was mentioned. The insistence of Political Theory remained prevalent, but not all-encompassing. Jonathan Hinder collects stamps.
SCHISM IN MERTON TWELVE C AU S E S U N R E S T: T W E LV E DISTRAUGHT Chris Gray, whose name is now all over the place all of the time, yesterday mislaid a certain blazer-jacket which has since been recovered. Nonetheless, The Mertonian has received reports that these stressful occurrences have led to a difference of opinions within the clique formally known as The Merton Twelve. One Barnaby Lynch said: “Who? Who would do that? Seriously. Yeah I know.” The eleven ʻothersʼ were indifferent.
OVERHEARD “A lot of the time I feel self-consuming guilt.” OUCA Port and Policy Meeting “Most of these books will be sold to fund my podcast subscription addiction.” Bodleian Librariansʼ Office “Go make the tea.” Oxford Union “Do you know Shoreditch too?” Wadham College JCR “Hot in here, isnʼt it?” Covered Market “I came here for carpentry lessons.” Masonic Lodge “I hate the chapel” The Ante-chapel
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---------Jim Everett JCR Vice President, Corpus Christi College Secretary for Corpus Symposium Committee for Oxford University Conservative Association 2nd Year Psychology and Philosophy Student