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THE MERTONIAN Third Week, Michaelmas 2010

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JCR SPENDING 2010-11 24% 13%

MERTON BUDGET SLASHED JCR TREASURER James Bridges yesterday slashed tens of pounds from Mertonʼs budget for the next academic year, creating a funding vacuum that junior members and Jonathan Hinder will have to fill. The cuts followed last weekʼs belated publication of the Bridges Review which has been called the most devastating Merton publication since J.R.R. Tolkienʼs The Lord of the Rings. The cuts could be far worse than JCR officers feared earlier in the year, and leave the college facing a decision. The report, which was primarily concerned with promotion of the Varsity Ski Trip, also suggested measures such as drastic cuts in higher education, Fair Trade Garden Parties and the Electoral Appeals Tribunal. James Bridges commented: “Hurling myself, tied to Fabienne, off a crane to save JCR finances and hopefully bouncing back up before we hit the ground. Please donate.” Entz reps also voiced their concerns that the cuts might lead to more consistent sound performance at bops. The supplier of sound has previously supplied Merton with sound and may not supply sound anymore. Sound technician Oscar Hayward raised his intention to stand as Tentz rep in response to these allegations. Dani Sheen retorted with provocative hand movements, arguably signifying ʻbanterʼ. Caroline George was ʻunavailableʼ for comment. Michael Lee was drunk. The Punts and Kayaks Officer, Benjamin Walpole, added: “Yeah, the cuts will really affect my line of work. Itʼs not looking like the punts will be out this summer. Iʼve sold them.” The effects of the cuts have already been observed this week as priceless fur coats and family heirlooms from the Access repʼs palatial lodgings were secretly auctioned to the SCR.

64% Catholicism The Middle Class Fair Trade Garden Parties

EXTRACTS F ROM THE BRIDGES REVIEW “With over two and a half thousand students making their way to the Alps for a week of snow and socialising before the Christmas break, Varsity Trip 2010 promises to be one of the best [sic] events of the coming year.” “Our recommendations place more of the burden of funding on Ed Parry-Smith.” “The JCR will be closed to new members.” “Welfare Tea only to be held in exceptional circumstances.” “What would you do if your son was at home crying all alone on the bedroom floor because he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money and his daddy's gone somewhere smoking rock now?” “Youʼre going to lose out.” "They've closed everything real down. Like barns, troughs, and performance spaces ... and replaced it all with lies and rules and virtual life. But there is a way out.”


Puzzles Section

Who wrote The Merton News?

f

Rag a sheep:

BENJAMIN WALPOLE?

f

The case for: Lives in the same house as the IRO. Is a notable Oxford wit.

pretentious fresher the only hippie!

The case against: (see left.)

OUCA member Jonathan Hinder

SIR MARTIN TAYLOR? The case for: As the new Warden is keen to uphold the status quo.

CROSSWORD:

diagonal

The case against: Not a member of the JCR. Or is he?

Match the facebook status to the appropriate member of the JCR:

WALTER DE MERTON?

______ : Essay again :( The case for: Claims to be the author.

4 hours ago · Comment · Like Sofía Florencia Abasolo ‎:( 2 hours ago · Like

The case against: Died in 1277 (mourned by The Mertonian in The First Issue).

______ : has no desire to break down Couperin's barricade. It can remain a mystery.

GUY DAWS

Why is the Inquisition after you? Nicholas got Heresy.

The case for: It was him. Simple as.

______ : Everyone search for "Oxford Stereotypes" on Google images. No quotation marks. Second result from the left.

Sharking Quiz

The case against: N/A

OVERHEARD

(a) The earliest species of shark dates depuis? (b) Is a shark a fish? (c) Is a dogshark a fish? (d) Is shark fin soup good? (e) Merton is the oldest Oxford college. (f) What colour is a blue whale? (g) How many sharks are there? (h) Kill a whale? (i) Does Joe Northover have good balls? (j) Is line fishing detrimental to the environment? (k) What does a shark eat today? (l) What are you wearing? (m) Iʼve been bitten badly and my foot is bleeding and mangled, what should I do? (n) Can you help? (o) Please! (p) Call an ambulance. (q) And the fire brigade. (r) No, not the fire brigade.

“Blah, blah, blah, blah, mephedrone, blah, blah, blah, skinny jeans, blah, blah, face paint” Babylove Bar “Letʼs turn this new oven on and leave it over night. That will teach them, I liked the old one” Merton JCR Kitchen “Taxi!” The Oxford Union “I always just pick up and pretend to be an answering machine.” Oxford Nightline “Carpe diem.” IROʼs Room

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The Mertonian Vol 1. No. 3