at school. They’re patiently waiting it out. It helps to also wear a “binder” that flattens their chest. It makes Tenley feel more comfortable in their own skin, and they don’t feel like they have to hide themselves under a jacket all day at school, anymore. “I wanted a new name because I felt something more masculine would fit me better. When I asked myself, ‘Can I change my name to Tenley?’ I felt butterflies. I also liked that it was androgynous, and better fit how I think about myself in my head,” Tenley says. Changing their name publicly was one of the first steps in Tenley’s “transition,” a sort of coming out—a transitioning from society’s expectations and gender stereotypes for a physical female, into who they really are. “Our immediate reaction when we found out Tenley was non-binary, was sadness and worry. We just didn’t want them to deal with extra baggage in their life, but when Tenley makes a determination on something, it’s solid. We felt sure of that, and sure of Tenley. I don’t know where they will land in the world, but I’m sure they’ll be in charge,” says Tenley’s dad, who oozes pride when he talks about Tenley. Coming home to the comfort of parents who are supportive and accepting is helping Tenley get through these awkward days of people at school learning their new name. “Coming home to my parents who are calling me by the right name at the end of the day makes it okay. It’s like I’m getting beaten up for six hours and then I go to the hospital where they make it okay. I am not sure I’d be here today, if my parents weren’t supportive,” Tenley says. The best approach for parents with teens who are questioning their gender is to stay open-minded and be willing to explore what they are feeling in a supportive way, rather than seeing it as a problem that needs to be fixed. Jennifer Amaral-Kunze, M.Ed, LPC, a licensed professional counselor with Beyond the Mirror Counseling advises parents to 20
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live in the gray area of not knowing, allowing space for their teen to find clarity at their own pace. She says a lot of times parents feel confused and don’t have answers, but they need to realize that their child might not either. It’s most helpful to allow space for exploration without expecting answers to come quickly. “It’s okay to say, ‘This is hard for me, it’s new but we will figure it out together.’ Some parents jump on board and others have a harder time, but that’s okay. Remember that this is your child, the same child from before you received this new information. It doesn’t have to change the love you have for them, but you will have to navigate differently. As parents, we don’t get to decide what our teens will do or who they will be, we can only decide how we are going to love and
parent them. We can teach them our beliefs, but we must keep in mind that they have the ultimate choice in deciding who they are,” says Amaral-Kunze. After responding yes to being gay, Tenley started to reawaken. They began cracking jokes again, and getting back into their passions of music, drawing, 4H and learning more about being non-binary, primarily from You Tube, where transgender individuals like Miles McKenna and Ash Hardell tell it like it is, offering a community for teens who are trying to figure out where they fit, or who already know they land outside the binary idea of gender. Unfortunately, there are not as many resources as you’d think for people who don’t fit neatly into the male, female, or even gay buckets. “What people don’t always understand is that the term transgender or
“Coming home to my parents who are calling me by the right name at the end of the day makes it okay. It’s like I’m getting beaten up for six hours and then I go to the hospital where they make it okay. I am not sure I’d be here today, if my parents weren’t supportive.”