Page 1

7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 1. "Chickened Out"

ACT ONE SCENE A FADE IN: EXT. DEALERSHIP PARKING LOT- MORNING (Mark, Wayne)

(DAY 1)

MARK IS STANDING ON THE CURB, PLEADING WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT APPEAR ON-CAMERA. MARK Please. Just take me back. I promise it’ll be different this time. I need you. BEAT. MARK (CONT’D) I’ll be so good. I’m begging you. C’mon, baby. WAYNE IS SHOWN STANDING ACROSS FROM MARK. Baby? Sorry.

WAYNE I’m your damn grandfather. MARK I was really getting into it.

WAYNE You might be able to pull that homo stuff with your father, but not with me. MARK You can’t say homo anymore,

Grandpa.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 2. "Chickened Out"

WAYNE (SARCASTICALLY) Excuse me, gay. Frankly, like Asian and Oriental, I don’t see the difference. And we all know they can’t see the diff -MARK Grandpa, stop! I’m telling you this PC stuff matters. It’s why I got fired. WAYNE Canned from a non-profit. Those two idiots sure did a great job raising you. MARK Who knew the YMCA would be so opposed to an employee calling a member a MILF? I thought they’d be all about acronyms. WAYNE Pick up where you left off. Final offer.

(UPSET)

MARK Seriously? I’m 29 now!

WAYNE I would have killed to wear a chicken suit for money when I was your age! MARK That suit doesn’t even make sense. WAYNE Did anyone ever tell the Phillies that their mascot’s suit doesn’t make sense? Yes --

MARK

WAYNE No! They didn’t! And do people question why they use a leprechaun to sell Lucky Charms? MARK No, but that example doesn’t really apply here because it makes perfect --


7/31/2009 PILOT

No!

WAYNE They don’t!

DEALING 3. "Chickened Out"

See?

MARK (CONCEDING) Yes, I see. WAYNE Plus, I’m known as the farm boy car dealership owner. So, it kind of works. MARK Dad says you’re from the Northwest side of Chicago. WAYNE That socialist loser. He’ll say anything to make my business fail. CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 4. "Chickened Out"

ACT ONE SCENE B

INT. DEALERSHIP HALLWAY - MINUTES LATER (Jamie, Mark, Jeff)

(DAY 1)

JAMIE WALKS PAST THE UTILITY CLOSET TO HEAR RUMMAGING COMING FROM BEHIND THE DOOR. SHE ENTERS TO FIND MARK STRUGGLING TO GET INTO A CHICKEN SUIT. JAMIE (STUNNED) Jesus! Mark! Why are you in the utility closet in half a chicken suit? I thought Kayla inadvertently locked herself in here again. MARK It didn’t work out at the Y. a difference of opinion.

We had

JAMIE Difference of opinion, huh? Isn’t that what you said about the Fuddrucker’s incident? MARK Shut up about that. I thought advertising “free massages for MILFs” would help drive new membership at the Y. JAMIE And the Young Men’s Christian Association didn’t agree? Shocking, bro.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 5. "Chickened Out"

MARK I had to beg Grandpa for a job. It’s my old gig. In the chicken suit. JAMIE And to think, you’re trained for so much more! MARK I didn’t spend seven years at Cal State Dominguez Hills for nothing. JAMIE Judging by the man boobs, at no point during those seven years did you find the Student Rec Center. MARK Well, not everyone is driven enough to graduate from Northwestern in three years. JAMIE (BOASTFULLY) It’s true, they’re not. MARK Or to move back in with their parents after said graduation. JAMIE Shut up about that. JEFF ENTERS. JEFF (TO JAMIE) Oh. I was hoping Kayla had locked herself in here again. But it’s just you. Bummer. JAMIE Sorry to disappoint. JEFF Who’s the chubby chicken? JAMIE Jeff, this is my brother Mark. JEFF Me with siblings and a chicken suit? Not the erotic utility closet scenario I’d hoped for, but it’ll do.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 6. "Chickened Out"

JAMIE Please leave. Yep.

JEFF

JEFF EXITS. MARK So how’s my old room? Memories, man. JAMIE Filled with the same high school trophies and pictures of hot exgirlfriends that fill the old bedroom of anyone who peaks at 16. MARK Speaking of hotness, what’s the talent situation around this place? I use to have my eye on this one chick, Anne. JAMIE She passed away. Adult chicken pox is no laughing matter for the elderly. MARK Yeah, well, she seemed like a good time. Maybe there’s some new old blood around here. JAMIE Perhaps you should focus less on scoring Newport Beach MILFs, and more on your burgeoning career. MARK Right. I remember that essay you wrote in high school about your dream of being in charge of leased car returns at a suburban car dealership. JAMIE I’d be on the fast track to taking over this business, if it wasn’t for the whole having ovaries thing. MARK You think Grandpa would really be that sexist?


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 7. "Chickened Out"

JAMIE Are you kidding? MARK Racist, sure. But sexist to his own granddaughter? JAMIE This is the man whose son is dead to him because he campaigned for Michael Dukakis. MARK You just wanted to say “Dukakis.” JAMIE He’s going to groom you to own this place, you know. MARK Doesn’t matter. in a year.

I’ll be out of here FADE OUT.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 8. "Chickened Out"

ACT ONE SCENE C FADE IN: INT. DEALERSHIP CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER (DAY 1) (Wayne, Jamie, Alpesh, Kayla, Rhonda, Bill, Gilberto) THE EMPLOYEES ARE SEATED AT A CONFERENCE TABLE, AS WAYNE STANDS AND ADDRESSES THEM. WAYNE (WITH A SOUTHERN DRAWL) It’s been 25 years since I stepped off the farm and tried my hand at the car-sellin’ business. And this ol’ country boy thinks it’s high time for a ho-down. JAMIE (WHISPERING TO WAYNE) Grandpa, why are you talking like that? WAYNE Like what? JAMIE Like John Wayne with eight pounds of impacted feces in his colon. WAYNE You best hush, Chastity Bono. JAMIE Really? That’s the best lesbian you could come up with? (TO EVERYONE) But I’m not a lesbian, everyone. OK?


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 9. "Chickened Out"

ALPESH A party? Check it, I know DJ Morowski, and can get my hands on some fantastic X -EVERYONE STARES AT ALPESH, SHOCKED. ALPESH (CONT’D) (FLUSTERED) Uh, X-rated magazines? The kind with cars in them? WAYNE I’m thinking about a cleaner celebration, Al. ALPESH It’s Alpesh. WAYNE (IGNORING HIM) What I’m lookin’ for is a special guest who’s gonna bring car buyers in here like sows to a feed trough. JAMIE So... A promotional event. Yeah.

WAYNE What she said.

JAMIE I’ve been exchanging Facebook pokes with Arja Salafranca. Who?

KAYLA

JAMIE The South African poet. That unaccredited online Associates program is doing you wonders. RHONDA We could bring in my ex-husband’s whore girlfriend. She’d probably take off her clothes. WAYNE Certainly interestin’, lil’ lady.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 10. "Chickened Out"

BILL I mean, I know pretty much everybody in the NBA. It’s what happens when you’re a former trainer. KAYLA Could you get Kobe Bryant? BILL He’s in Cabo that weekend. Shaq?

GILBERTO That would be so cool.

BILL Um, he’s scheduled for lipo. what about DeShawn Jenkins?

Listen,

BILL’S SUGGESTION IS MET WITH BLANK STARES. BILL (CONT’D) The power forward for the Golden State Warriors? WAYNE Bill, I’m thinkin’ someone really famous. Like Michael Landon. BILL But he’ll autograph breasts and give promotional lighters to kids. Sold.

WAYNE

BILL LEAVES THE CONFERENCE ROOM AND DIALS HIS CELL PHONE. BILL (TALKING INTO HIS PHONE) Yo! T-Lo, it’s Bill. Put DeShawn on the phone. WE HEAR MURMURS FROM THE OTHER END OF THE CALL. BILL (CONT’D) I need you to do me a favor. Man, you owe me! I’m sure that girl’s parents would like to know where she is. BILL STEPS BACK INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM AND CALLS DESHAWN ON THE SPEAKER PHONE.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 11. "Chickened Out"

BILL (CONT’D) Deshawn, do we have a deal? DESHAWN OK, man, but it’s my usual fee, plus all the Lil’ Smokies I can eat. WAYNE Bill, I knew you’d be able to GIT R DONE! FADE OUT.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 12. "Chickened Out"

ACT ONE SCENE D FADE IN: EXT. DEALERSHIP’S SMOKER’S OUTPOST - THE NEXT DAY (Mark, Craig, Gilberto)

(DAY 2)

MARK, IN THE CHICKEN SUIT, IS SITTING ON THE CURB NEXT TO CRAIG AND PRETENDING TO SMOKE. MARK So you spend every weekend like that? CRAIG There’s nothing like the feeling of leather chaps against your bare legs for hours while you ride that thing. GILBERTO ENTERS. MARK Oh, hey, Gilberto. Craig was just telling me about his bike. You ride? GILBERTO No, I think me and Craig have completely different hobbies. CRAIG Man, I needed a smoke so bad. Those non-smoking prudes don’t know what they’re missing. MARK TURNS HIS HEAD AND INEPTLY TAKES A FAKE DRAG. MARK Yeah. Prudes. I’m just glad to rest after walking in this hot suit. My pits smell like reheated KFC.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 13. "Chickened Out"

CRAIG At least you’re making good money. I’ve been paid far less to wear things more demeaning than that. GILBERTO The way car sales have been lately, I wouldn’t turn down any paying gig. CRAIG Any paying gig? Niiiice. GILBERTO Who knows if I’ll even be here in a month. MARK Gilberto, What’s your feeling on poultry? GILBERTO Well, Mama grills the best pollo this side of the Rio... MARK No, how would you like to make a few extra bucks? Wear the chicken suit whenever you’re not on shift. CRAIG You think he’s qualified? GILBERTO I spent four years as the Smiling Bagel at Bagel Mundo. I’d have that place packed like a bunch of mijas going to see the new Menudo. MARK Great, but you can’t let anyone know it’s you. Pull this off and I’ll make sure Wayne knows what an asset you are to this company. CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 14. "Chickened Out"

ACT ONE SCENE E

INT. DEALERSHIP MAIN OFFICE - A FEW MINUTES LATER (Mark, Kayla, Rhonda)

(DAY 2)

KAYLA IS FIDGETING AT HER DESK WHILE RHONDA TYPES ON HER COMPUTER. MARK ENTERS. KAYLA (TO MARK) I thought you’d be stuck out on the corner all day. MARK There’s only one thing I can do all day. KAYLA (NOT GETTING THE JOKE)

That’s cool.

MARK So you’ve been working here awhile now. KAYLA Wayne’s had me in too many positions to mention. MARK The kids must hate that they have to share you with Wayne. KAYLA He’s always been generous when it comes to my kids. He even helped me pay for the twins (POPS HER CHEST OUT).


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 15. "Chickened Out"

MARK It’s only when it comes to his own family that Wayne is a complete sociopath. KAYLA Call it what you want, but I’ve never met a man so willing to shower my kids with gifts and attention. MARK Well, I’d better get out of here before anyone realizes that isn’t me in the chicken suit. Keep doing a great job... cashiering? KAYLA I also make coffee. MARK Great. (SUGGESTIVELY) cream.

I like extra

KAYLA Really? Me too! MARK EXITS. KAYLA (CONT’D) (TO RHONDA) Wow, everyone in that family is so attentive. RHONDA My husband was always attentive towards Malibu Barbie types, too. KAYLA First, Wayne, and now his grandson wants to hear about my cats. Um, loving, much? RHONDA Kayla, you realize he thinks you have children. No way. kids.

KAYLA He was talking about my

RHONDA Crazy, I know, but not everyone refers to their cats as kids.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 16. "Chickened Out"

KAYLA But I just graduated high school. I’m not old enough for children. RHONDA Neither was I, but my ex loved knocking up blonde eighteen year olds. Still does. KAYLA That’s not going to happen to me. life will be perfect.

My

RHONDA Sure. One day your life is perfect, the next you’re living in a onebedroom in Vista del Verde Villas, your ex and his new hair plugs show up to take the kids off your hands once a year, and your Lexus is traded in for a 20-year old’s labiaplasty. FADE OUT.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 17. "Chickened Out"

ACT ONE SCENE F FADE IN: INT. WAYNE’S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER (Rhonda, Wayne) RHONDA ENTERS WITHOUT KNOCKING.

(DAY 2)

WAYNE IS EATING AT HIS DESK.

RHONDA Wayne, can I bother you for a second? WAYNE Not if it’s to sell me more moccasins from your kids’s soccer catalogue. Must have been some evil Injun curse on those things. WAYNE PUTS HIS BARE FOOT ON THE DESK. WAYNE (CONT’D) Look at these blisters. RHONDA Whoa! Those are... white. But that’s not it. You know I hate to make trouble, Wayne. WAYNE Sure, middle-age divorcees hate gossip and conflict. RHONDA I just think you should know that shorty is bouncin’ up on your boo. WAYNE Well, I hate ghosts. short ones.

Especially


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 18. "Chickened Out"

RHONDA Naw, dawg, I don’t think you feel me. Miss Thang be samplin’ the goods from the rooster. WAYNE Wait... Is this ebonics? I heard about this phenomenon on Rush. RHONDA Yeah, I wanted to try it. My son Hunter is taking hip-hop lessons. WAYNE Try it out on someone who doesn’t have IBS. My time is precious, especially after shredded pork. RHONDA My, this is quite a departure from your folksy demeanor at the meeting. WAYNE Life as a public figure can have contradictions, though I wouldn’t expect you to understand. RHONDA (DISGUSTED) Ugh. I’d bet that over 50 percent of Americans would have wanted to have a beer with the other you. WAYNE Why don’t you tell this me why you’re still in my office? RHONDA Mark’s been putting the moves on Kayla. WAYNE Impossible. He likes women more like you. RHONDA (FLATTERED) Really? WAYNE Yep. Ones whose loose upper arm skin flaps when they wave.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 19. "Chickened Out"

RHONDA Just trying to help. Use the bathroom in the basement when you’re done. RHONDA WALKS TOWARD THE DOOR. WAYNE (SCOLDING) I’m the boss. tell me where to poop.

You can’t FADE OUT.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 20. "Chickened Out"

ACT ONE SCENE G FADE IN:

INT. BILL’S OFFICE - SAME TIME (DAY 2) (Bill, Customers, Radio Announcer) BILL IS SEATED AT HIS DESK AND TWO FEMALE CUSTOMERS IN THEIR 30S ARE SEATED ACROSS FROM HIM. BILL So that’s a payment of six-fifty for 36 months, only five grand down. CUSTOMER Eh, that’s a little more than I wanted to pay. Can we have a second to talk this over? THE CUSTOMER TURNS TO HER PARTNER AS BILL RAISES THE VOLUME ON THE RADIO. RADIO ANNOUNCER And in sports news, it’s being reported that Golden State Warrior’s power forward, DeShawn Jenkins, has been running an illegal cockfighting ring out of the garage of his Bay Area home. Surely, this can’t be the first time San Francisco’s seen a cockfight. Details are developing, but PETA’s already calling for his suspension from the league.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 21. "Chickened Out"

IN A DAZE FROM THE NEWS, BILL GETS UP AND WALKS OUT OF HIS OFFICE. FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 22. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE H FADE IN:

INT. DEALERSHIP MAIN OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER (Bill, Jamie, Wayne, Alpesh, Jeff, Mark)

(DAY 2)

JAMIE STARES AT HER COMPUTER SCREEN. JAMIE Mark, come check out what BBC.com is reporting! BILL ENTERS AND STORMS OVER TO ALPESH’S DESK. WAYNE PASSES THROUGH ON HIS WAY TO THE BASEMENT BATHROOM. WAYNE (TO BILL) Should I be surprised that our twelfth best-selling salesman is not in the showroom? BILL I, uh, just needed some IT help on a sensitive matter. WAYNE IT... Hmmmmm... Intimate Treatment? Atta boy. I assume it’s the Chinese parlor on Bush Street. Just make sure to punch out first. BILL No, it’s computers. WAYNE Ah, computers. (POINTS TO ALPESH) Talk to Al.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 23. "Chickened Out"

ALPESH It’s Alpesh. And I’m not the IT guy. I’m the sales manager. Remember, Wayne? WAYNE Oh. Try that other non-white in the corner. WAYNE EXITS, BILL WALKS OVER TO JEFF’S DESK. BILL Jeff, I need you to disable all of the internet connections in the building. Immediately. JEFF I’ll do it, no questions asked. As long as you scratch my back first. OK.

BILL What do you want me to do?

JEFF No, I really want you to scratch my back. Meet me in the utility closet after I take care of this. BILL Oh god, that sounds horrible. Fine. If that’s what it’s going to take to keep what I know a secret. MARK STEPS UP TO JAMIE’S DESK. BOTH ARE UNAWARE THAT BILL HAS HEARD THE BREAKING NEWS ON THE RADIO. JAMIE A pro athlete hurting a chicken? I’ve heard everything.

Now

MARK I wonder if Bill knows about this. JAMIE These sports stars are out of control! Someone should peck away at him and see how he likes it! MARK EYES KAYLA, WHO IS WATERING PLANTS AT HER DESK. MARK Yeah, I bet she’d like it.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 24. "Chickened Out"

JAMIE Are you even listening to me? MARK Sorry. Those frown lines make Little Mark smile. JAMIE She’s only 18, you know. MARK Ew, for real? Yep.

JAMIE An NBD.

MARK Never been divorced? I wasted three good minutes flirting with her. JAMIE Forget you. I know two people who will share my disdain for these overcelebrated oafs. CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 25. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE I INT. GENE AND FRAN’S KITCHEN - EVENING (Jamie, Fran, Gene, Malia, Sasha)

(DAY 2)

JAMIE ENTERS THE KITCHEN TO FIND HER FAMILY SEATED AT THE TABLE.

JAMIE Have you heard the news? FRAN I knew it. The tuxedo you wore at prom was a dead giveaway. We still love you just the same. JAMIE No, it’s not that.

Real news.

GENE Is Whole Foods closing? recession!

Damned

JAMIE No, this is actually important. GENE What’s more important than nongenetically modified foods at exorbitant prices? Where will I eat? FRAN Fuddrucker’s makes an outstanding veggie burger, but good luck getting in there after Mark’s incident.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 26. "Chickened Out"

JAMIE (FRUSTRATED) Listen, you two! DeShawn Jenkins has been running an illegal cockfighting ring out of his home! FRAN That’s terrible! GENE I bet the chickens weren’t even organic. JAMIE And now the dealership has invited him to autograph breasts and hand out promotional lighters to children at the 25th anniversary event! GENE Did your grandfather arrange this? I knew he had no regard for oppressed groups, but chickens? FRAN His cruelty knows no bounds. GENE We’re not standing idly by! You know what happened the last time we failed to act? Yeah.

FRAN David Cook won.

GENE I was talking about eight years of tyranny and repression. JAMIE Enough about your marriage. Don’t you two know someone at PETA? FRAN Carni Wilson’s half-sister, Bethany. I’ll make the call. GENE Maybe we should take a page out of the old playbook.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 27. "Chickened Out"

JAMIE I really don’t think you burning another flag is in order. GENE (TO HIS YOUNG DAUGHTERS) Sasha, Malia, surely you remember your birth parents’ stories about the Million Man March. MALIA My birthday’s in March! seven!

I’ll be

SASHA (SARCASTICALLY) My birth parents were too busy drinking Hpnotiq and fist-fighting to participate in organized protests. FRAN Sooooo sad. Thank god we saved you from that. CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 28. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE J INT. DEALERSHIP SHOWROOM - MORNING (Wayne, Bill)

(DAY 3)

WAYNE ENTERS THE SHOWROOM IN A PANIC. WAYNE (SHOUTING) Where’s the damn paper? WAYNE NOTICES THAT THERE ARE CUSTOMERS IN THE SHOWROOM AND SWITCHES TO HIS GOOD OL’ BOY PERSONA. WAYNE (CONT’D) Uh, I mean, howdy, pardners! y’all see today’s news?

Any of

BILL RUSHES AWAY FROM HIS CUSTOMER TO BE AT WAYNE’S SIDE. BILL (FLUSTERED) Oh, Wayne, the Times Co. went bankrupt last night. I guess the hire of Sanjaya as a guest columnist caused their stock to plummet. WAYNE Who? I don’t care, just make sure there’s something for me to read on the jobn. BILL Will do, boss. CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 29. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE K INT. DEALERSHIP MAIN OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER (Bill, Kayla, Craig, Jeff, Rhonda, Wayne)

(DAY 2)

BILL IS RUBBER CEMENTING PRINT-OUTS OF NEWS ARTICLES ONTO A PIECE OF PAPER FOR WAYNE’S TOILET READING AS THE OTHERS WORK AT THEIR DESKS. KAYLA (PANICKED) Jeff, I can’t access The Knot’s message boards! Jen H. needs to know that baby’s breath is fugs. CRAIG Yeah, what the H? Craigslist is down, too. Not cool. JEFF Talk to Bill. BILL IConnect told me the Internet will be down until immediately after the promotional event. Sorry, that’s just what they told me. RHONDA Good thing I printed out the Urban Dictionary last night (WHIPS OUT STACK OF PAPERS) , home slice. BILL (TO JEFF) Rubber cementing is tough when your nails are filed down so far. Thanks for that, Jeff. JEFF WINKS. NEWSPAPER.

BILL PUTS THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON HIS MAKESHIFT


7/31/2009 PILOT

Done!

DEALING 30. "Chickened Out"

BILL (CONT’D)

BILL RACES TO THE BATHROOM AND SLIPS THE PAPER UNDER THE DOOR FOR WAYNE. WAYNE (FROM BEHIND THE BATHROOM DOOR) Women given the right to vote? Tramps. FADE OUT.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 31. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE L EXT. ALPESH’S BACKYARD - EVENING (Bill, Jeff)

(DAY 2)

JEFF, DRESSED IN BLACK, EMERGES FROM ALPESH’S BACK DOOR TO FIND BILL CROUCHED BEHIND A BUSH. WE HEAR LOUD TRANCE MUSIC. BILL Did you do it? JEFF Yeah. Alpesh was passed out on the floor with a pacifier in his mouth. BILL Awesome! He’ll never know about DeShawn without cable news. JEFF He won’t notice anything’s wrong until he tries to DVR Army Wives. BILL Wow, Jeff, one back scratch sure goes a long way with you. JEFF That was just for the Internet disabling. I’ll need a physical favor for each house we visit. BILL Oh my god. What kind of favors? JEFF Don’t worry. Nothing invasive.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 32. "Chickened Out"

BILL But there are 34 more cables to cut! JEFF No, 24. Marketing’s been at that retreat at the Yearning for Zion ranch. BILL That’s right! A week of french braids, trust falls, complete isolation... JEFF And a child bride brought back here for me. Huh?

BILL

JEFF You heard me. Again, nothing invasive. BILL Let’s get going. I’m meeting Dennis Rodman for Mai Tais at Coconuts in an hour. CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 33. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE M INT. DEALERSHIP SHOWROOM - MORNING (Bill, Jeff)

(DAY 5)

THE EMPLOYEES ARE SETTING UP IN THE SHOWROOM ON THE DAY OF THE ANNIVERSARY. BILL AND JEFF ARE WORKING ON A MASSIVE WATERCOLOR PORTRAIT OF DESHAWN JENKINS. BILL I think we pulled it off, Jeff. Nope.

JEFF Not quite.

(FRANTIC)

BILL What?

What do you mean?

JEFF Open that newspaper to page three. BILL OPENS THE NEWSPAPER TO A LARGE AD FOR THE PROMOTIONAL EVENT WITH MARK IN THE CHICKEN SUIT HUGGING DESHAWN JENKINS. BILL I thought you said Marketing was gone for the week! JEFF Apparently, several of the men were sent home early. Something about needing a smaller ratio of men to women. BILL So you paint this watercolor portrait beside me, and you don’t even say a word about this ad?


7/31/2009 PILOT

Sorry.

DEALING 34. "Chickened Out"

JEFF

BILL We are so screwed. JEFF Correction. You are so screwed. Unless you’re talking about me with Evangeline Jessop, my new wife. CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 35. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE N EXT. DEALERSHIP PARKING LOT - SAME TIME (Fran, Gene, Sasha, Malia)

(DAY 5)

A SWARM OF PROTESTORS ARRIVE, JUST AS THE LOCAL AND NATIONAL MEDIA DESCEND ON THE DEALERSHIP. GENE AND FRAN ENTER FROM A BIODIESEL BUS FULL OF PETA PROTESTERS, WHO ALL PILE OUT CARRYING PROTEST SIGNS.

FRAN It’s game time, DeShawn! Yeah!

GENE Let’s get that mofo!

SASHA AND MALIA APPEAR BEHIND THEIR PARENTS JUST AS GENE YELLS “MOFO”. Mofo?

SASHA

GENE (TURNING AROUND) Whoa! Sasha! Malia! What are you girls doing here? MALIA It’s capital letters week at school. SASHA She means it’s “Celebrate Capitalism” week. We’re honoring grandpa and his achievements.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 36. "Chickened Out"

GENE Is this someone’s idea of a sick joke? SASHA We just got back from a casino. GENE I thought I was signing a permission slip for an Amerindian Heritage field trip. SASHA You were. They taught us the Navajo phrase for “hit me.” MALIA Mom, why is everyone mad at Grandpa and that basketball player? FRAN Girls, expressing your viewpoint is one of the cornerstones of our democracy. GENE Geez, what are we paying that private school for? FRAN Apparently, for the shuttle bus to the San Manuel Indian Bingo and Casino. SASHA (SPOTTING A PICKET SIGN) Daddy, what does “Choking chickens is no gentleman’s sport” mean? CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 37. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE O EXT. DEALERSHIP’S SMOKER’S OUTPOST - SAME TIME (Craig, Mark Gilberto)

(DAY 5)

MARK AND CRAIG SIT ON THE CURB, AVOIDING THE CROWD, BUT ARE WITHIN VIEWING DISTANCE. CRAIG “Choking chickens is no gentleman’s sport”? Yeow. MARK You know, fake smoking is really relaxing. CRAIG I knew you were faking. MARK How’d you know? CRAIG You never get that look of pleasure tinged with shame after your first drag, like how it is when you tell your shrink you use feathers to wipe yourself. MARK I just needed a break. CRAIG I happen to prefer not-fake smoking. My shrink says I have an oral fixation.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 38. "Chickened Out"

MARK He’s the real deal, huh? The best.

CRAIG

GILBERTO ENTERS WEARING THE CHICKEN SUIT. MARK Lookin’ good, Gilberto. GILBERTO The crowd seems really pumped! MARK Uh, I don’t think they’re all here for the anniversary celebration. What?

GILBERTO

MARK (LOUDER) The crowd! They’re a hateful mob! GILBERTO I can’t hear you so well with this chicken head on, but I have a feeling you told me to do a great job. And I will! GILBERTO RUNS OFF FOR HIS BIG ENTRANCE. CRAIG I always thought that suit didn’t make sense. MARK I know, right? CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 39. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE P EXT. DEALERSHIP SHOWROOM - MOMENTS LATER (Bill, Fran, Gene, Jamie, Jeff)

(DAY 5)

BILL IS STANDING ON A PLATFORM, ADDRESSING THE CROWD THROUGH A MEGAPHONE. BILL Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Jenkins is running late, but is on his way. FRAN On his way... To killing chickens? THE CROWD GOES WILD. BILL Some of you, the ones who are not hippie freaks, are anxious to meet this great American hero. GENE He’s the one who should be anxious... about killing chickens! THE CROWD GOES WILD AGAIN. JAMIE (TO HERSELF) We’ve really got to work on those snappy retorts. BILL So let’s put aside this silly controversy, and celebrate sportsmanship and cars!


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 40. "Chickened Out"

LIGHT APPLAUSE MIXES WITH LOUD BOOS. GILBERTO THEN RUNS OUT IN THE CHICKEN SUIT, EXCITEDLY PUMPING HIS ARMS OVER HIS HEAD. THE CROWD GASPS. JAMIE (TO HERSELF) Oh, crap. Bad timing, Gilberto. Tiempo muy mal. CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 41. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE Q EXT. DEALERSHIP MAIN OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER (Wayne, Rhonda, Kayla)

(DAY 5)

WAYNE IS PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON HIS ANNIVERSARY OUTFIT, WHILE KAYLA AND RHONDA LOOK ON.

WAYNE You think this neckerchief is a good touch? RHONDA (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, yes. Howdie Doodie.

Very

KAYLA I don’t think it looks like doodie. It looks sexy. WAYNE Thanks, sweetheart. (HEARING THE CROWD) They must have just announced my name, because the crowd is going wild! KAYLA Before you go out, I wanted to talk to you about Mark. WAYNE I bet he’s warming up the crowd with a few cartwheels.


7/31/2009 PILOT

Not that. on me. What?

DEALING 42. "Chickened Out"

KAYLA Shorty’s been bouncin’ up

WAYNE But you’re not a rich cougar.

RHONDA Mark doesn’t know that. WAYNE Stay out of this. her ebonics!

And stop teaching

KAYLA Sorry, playa hata. I’ve been reading Rhonda’s print-outs since the Internet went down. RHONDA I tried to tell you, Wayne. That grandson of yours is slicker than my ex’s freshly waxed back. WAYNE He is dead fowl! WAYNE RUNS OUT OF THE OFFICE IN A RAGE AND ENTERS THE SHOWROOM TO ATTACK THE CHICKEN SUIT, BELIEVING MARK IS INSIDE. PETA CHEERS AND CHILDREN SCREAM. WAYNE LOOKS UP AND REMEMBERS HE’S IN PUBLIC. WAYNE (CONT’D) You’re dirtier than an egg-suckin’ dog! PETA REPRESENTATIVE That redneck has got the right idea! Let’s murder that symbol of violence! PETA MEMBERS JOIN WAYNE IN THE ATTACK AS THE SCHOOL CHILDREN SOB. THE MEDIA HAS CAUGHT ALL THE HOOPLA ON CAMERA. FADE OUT.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 43. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE R FADE IN: INT. DEALERSHIP MAIN OFFICE - LATER (Jamie, Gilberto)

(DAY 5)

THE EMPLOYEES ARE BACK IN THE OFFICE AFTER THE ANNIVERSARY EVENT. JAMIE IS TENDING TO GILBERTO’S WOUNDS. JAMIE Just a few more bandages, and you should be set. GILBERTO Gabachos, they have no love for the pollo! JAMIE You know, I was talking to a reporter from Air America. We think this was a plot against your people. GILBERTO Car salesmen? CUT TO:


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 44. "Chickened Out"

ACT TWO SCENE S INT. WAYNE’S OFFICE - SAME TIME (DAY 5) MARK IS SEATED AT HIS DESK ACROSS FROM WAYNE. FACING OUT TO THE CUBICLES ARE DRAWN CLOSED.

THE BLINDS

WAYNE You made a darn-tootin’ mockery of the anniversary celebration! MARK You can cut the accent now. just us.

It’s

WAYNE (LOOKS AROUND SUSPICIOUSLY, AND LOSES THE ACCENT) You made a mockery of the anniversary celebration. MARK Me? Bill’s the one who made the company a national laughingstock. WAYNE So he pissed off a few libs. But making little white boys afraid of capitalism? No way, Jose. MARK His name is Gilberto. And you almost detached his drumstick. WAYNE I wanted to detach your drumstick. I’m not paying you to subcontract out your chicken suit duties.


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 45. "Chickened Out"

MARK What did I do, besides not want to work super-duper hard? WAYNE I have it on good authority that you were trying to put your pitchfork in Kayla’s straw pile. MARK I prefer to call it “diving into the divorcee dungeon.” WAYNE She’s not a divorcee. And I pay her poorly. In other words, she’s not your type. MARK Well, I thought she was older than she is. She should try Mystic Tanning. WAYNE So you’ll stay away from now on? For sure.

MARK

WAYNE Good. Two more months in the chicken suit for you. MARK Are you kidding me? WAYNE I can’t have someone I don’t trust moving up the ranks here. I’m just going to have to look elsewhere to find my replacement. WAYNE OPENS THE BLINDS IN HIS OFFICE TO SEE ALPESH DANCING TO TRANCE WITH GLOW STICKS, CRAIG SUGGESTIVELY PRACTICING “WRESTLING” MOVES ON A MALE EMPLOYEE, A YOUNG GIRL IN A PASTEL PIONEER DRESS RUBBING JEFF’S FEET, AND BILL CRYING OVER A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH OF DESHAWN JENKINS. MARK Damn it. I’m so going to have to own a business, aren’t I?


7/31/2009 PILOT

DEALING 46. "Chickened Out"

WAYNE Sorry, playa hata. FADE OUT. END OF SHOW

Dealing: A Pilot  

A possible network series about Orange County, California's most dysfunctional car dealership.