BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN Scene One _Way Down in the Hole_ plays. GANG MEMBERS mill around a street corner on a boiling summer’s day, menacing passers-by. One of them grabs at a young woman; when she resists, he hits her. She screams. Suddenly, from around the corner, we see BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN! COBALT: Halt, criminal scum! You’re breaking the justice, and I’m here to take you down! GANG MEMBER: Oh yeah, five-oh? You think you can stop me? I’m the toughest thing on these streets! COBALT: Tougher than lead? He shoots him. COBALT: Forget your Mohs scale. It doesn’t take much to be tougher than lead- but nothing is tougher than Cobalt. GANG MEMBERS: Oh no! It’s Bruce Cobalt! He’s too extreme for us! They flee. YOUNG WOMAN: You saved me! How can I ever thank you? COBALT: You don’t have to thank me, ma’am. I’m just upholding the law- upholding it on a stretcher made of guns. Scene Two BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN walks from his sports car into the Department of Law. He is met by THE CHIEF. THE CHIEF: Cobalt! COBALT: Chief! They fist bump. THE CHIEF: Off the record? Good job taking out those bad guys earlier. COBALT: There’s a but there, isn’t there? THE CHIEF: Yes, there is. My superiors think you’re too extreme for them. They say you’re a cop on the edge, that you don’t play by the rules. COBALT: Goddamn it, I play by the rules of justice!
THE CHIEF: I know, Cobalt. But they’ve asked me to put you on leave indefinitely, pending an investigation into whether you’ve gone too far. COBALT: ButTHE CHIEF (cutting him off): I know, Cobalt. That’s why I pulled some strings. You’ll be going on indefinite leave, all right. You’ll be leaving with the Department of Homeland Safetyness’ Team ALLOSAURUS. COBALT: Team ALLOSAURUS? But aren’t they led by Colonel Clint Basalt? THE CHIEF: Yes, the very same. I’ve seen his file- he sounds like your kinda guy. COBALT (aside): Oh, he was... THE CHIEF: Is that in order? COBALT: I guess it’ll have to be. He turns to walk away. COBALT (turning back): I know you didn’t have to do this. Thanks, The Chief. Scene Three Inside a briefing room. COLONEL CLINT BASALT is briefing TEAM ALLOSAURUS. BASALT: Alright, men. We’ve been ordered by the President to hunt down and kill the evil terrorist Abu Kalashnikov. ABU KALASHNIKOV’s face comes on the slide projector. BASALT: This is our man: a man so dedicated to terrorism that he named his own son Kalashnikov. He’s concocted an evil plan to do evil in America- and it’s up to us to stop him. Enter BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN. BASALT (stiffly): Everyone. This is the newest member of our team, Bruce Cobalt. He’s been seconded to us from the Department of Law. TEAM ALLOSAURUS begins to grumble. BASALT cuts them off. BASALT: Stay quiet, soldiers. I served with Cobalt in Afghanistan. He’s (grudgingly) a good man. You’re dismissed. TEAM ALLOSAURUS leaves. BASALT: Cobalt. If you’re going to work with my team, you’d better learn to work by my rules.
COBALT: I know your rules. BASALT: Good. Let’s move out. Scene Four TEAM ALLOSAURUS busts into a roomful of terrorists, spraying lead everywhere. The TERRORISTS try to put up some resistance, but TEAM ALLOSAURUS shuts them down. BASALT slams their leader against the wall. BASALT: Where’s Abu Kalashnikov, terrorist? TERRORIST: I’ll never tell you, western dog! BASALT: You’ll tell me, or else! TERRORIST: Or else what? BASALT pauses. BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN takes over. COBALT: Let me handle this. He turns to the TERRORIST. COBALT: Listen, terrorist. My name is Bruce Cobalt, and I take it to the limit. TERRORIST: Hah. What are you going to do to me? COBALT: I’m going to shoot you in the head. And then, when you meet your maker, and he asks me why I shot you in the head, do you know what I’m going to say? The TERRORIST shakes his head. COBALT: I’ll say that I did it for justice- and I’ll be telling the truth. BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN and the TERRORIST look into each others’ eyes for several long seconds. Then TERRORIST bursts into tears. TERRORIST: All right! All right! I’ll tell you everything! Abu Kalashnikov is hiding out in a house in suburban Kansas City! BASALT and BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN exchange glances. BASALT: Of course! How devious. Who would expect the king of terrorists to be in Kansas City? Shot of a helicopter. Scene Five Outside a house, ABU KALASHNIKOV’s guards are patrolling. TEAM ALLOSAURUS is hidden in groups in the bushes.
BASALT: O.K, team: let’s go! The first team moves out. But as they do so, some GUARDS see them, and raise the alarm. There is a shootout in which several GUARDS are killed, but soon TEAM ALLOSAURUS has been rounded up- all except BASALT and BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN! BASALT: Look- the terrorists have got the team- and now they’re coming for us. A group of GUARDS try to take down the two, and are killed. BASALT and BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN withdraw to a further-away place. COBALT: I should have known this would happen, damn it! It’s like Afghanistan all over again. BASALT: That was your fault! If you had obeyed my orders, John Marigold would still be alive today! COBALT: If I had obeyed your orders, we would all be dead. But you had me thrown out of the army because of your failure! BASALT: I knew I shouldn’t have let you into Team ALLOSAURUS. You’re a loose cannon, Cobalt! You can’t be trusted! Meanwhile, ABU KALASHNIKOV himself has emerged. He shouts into a megaphone. ABU KALSHNIKOV: Come out, little men! We have your soldiers tied up! BASALT and BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN pause and listen. ABU KALASHNIKOV: That’s right! The mighty Team ALLOSAURUS, all captured! All except the famous Clint Basalt- and, I hear, Bruce Cobalt! He laughs evilly. ABU KALASHNIKOV: Do you think this will end any better than it did last time? When I killed your friend John Marigold? He laughs again and lowers his voice. ABU KALASHNIKOV: Do you want to know a secret? I’ll tell you. Your friend John Marigold? He was working for me all along! He betrayed you to me, and if it wasn’t for the two of you blowing up my trucks, I would have killed all of your squad! But if I couldn’t do it then, I can do it now. You have twenty minutes to surrender yourselves- or Ill kill Team ALLOSAURUS. He goes back inside. BASALT: Marigold was a traitor? It can’t be true!
COBALT: But it is. I had to go through his possessions after we got back- he had thousands and thousands of golden dinars. He sold us out, Clint- he sold us out to Abu Kalashnikov. BASALT: But why didn’t you tell me then? And why are you telling me now? COBALT: Because you’ve always lived for your team. If you’d know, then, in that place- I don’t know what you’d have done. But now? Your team’s in danger, and we need to rescue them. Let’s enter (he cocks his gun) the danger zone. BASALT: Yes. Let’s take it to the max! Scene Six Some of ABU KALASHNIKOV’s ELITE GUARDS are sitting round a table. ELITE GUARD 1: So, comrade, what are you going to do when we’ve taken down the western dogs? ELITE GUARD 2: Well, I think I shall make my slaves race like horses! They laugh. A scream is heard, and a non-elite GUARD bursts into the room. GUARD: It’s Bruce Cobalt! He’s attacking! The ELITE GUARDS laugh. ELITE GUARD 1: He is but one man! What can one man do? The door bursts open. BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN enters wielding a minigun. He sprays the room with bullets. He looks at the roomful of corpses. COBALT: That. Scene Seven BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN takes down some guards with his minigun. As he moves on, three TERRORISTS appear behind him. He doesn’t notice. They get closer and closer, guns raised. Suddenly, they are all shot and killed. BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN turns and gives a thumbs up. Cut to: CLINT BASALT sitting, holding a sniper rifle. He returns the thumbs up. Scene Eight ABU KALASHNIKOV’s main room. An ELITE GUARD bursts in. ELITE GUARD: My lord! Bruce Cobalt and Clint Basalt have joined forces against us!
TEAM ALLOSAURUS, tied up in a corner, give a ragged cheer. ABU KALASHNIKOV silences them with a look. ABU KALASHNIKOV: Well, what are you waiting for? Kill them! ELITE GUARD: We can’t! Their excellence is too great! ABU KALASHNIKOV: It can’t be! I thought I’d torn them apart! If my Elite Guards can’t take them down, that can only mean- they’ve taken it to the max! I’ll have to deal with them myself. He summons his UBER-ELITE GUARD, and they run out of the room. Scene Eight A hallway. CLINT BASALT and BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN stand at one end. ABU KALASHNIKOV and his UBER-ELITE GUARDS are at the other. ABU KALASHNIKOV: So, we meet at last. COBALT: Abu Kalashnikov, we’ve come to take you down. ABU KALASHNIKOV (laughing): Even taking it to the max won’t be enough to stop me! CLINT BASALT and BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN look at each other and smile. COBALT: To the max, Abu Kalashnikov? We’re fighting for justice and America. That’s let us take it- beyond the limit. Close up on ABU KALASHNIKOV’s look of horror. BASALT and BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN open fire. We see a group of UBER-ELITE GUARDS taken out by minigun spray. A group of them try to rush BASALT, but he sidesteps one, hits the other with the butt of his rifle, and takes out the last one executioner style with his sidearm. We see one UBER-ELITE GUARD running just ahead of a spray of minigun bullets until they hit him. Meanwhile, BASALT calmly loads and fires his sniper rifle, taking down an UBER-ELITE GUARD with every shot. Suddenly, the click of an empty barrel is heard. COBALT: Damn. Out of ammo. He drops the minigun, and pulls out a shotgun. He and CLINT BASALT move down the corridor, firing steadily. ABU KALASHNIKOV: Curses! He flees. The two men chase after him. Scene Nine
The main room again. ABU KALASHNIKOV stands behind the tied-up TEAM ALLOSAURUS, point a rifle at them. CLINT BASALT and BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN enter the room. ABU KALASHNIKOV: Not a step further, or I’ll kill them all! Drop your guns! They comply. ABU KALASHNIKOV: Now, move into the middle of the room! Ha! I have you in my power! BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN begins to laugh. ABU KALASHNIKOV comes over to him. ABU KALASHNIKOV (slapping him): What’s so funny, western dog? Huh? What’s so funny? COBALT: Don’t you know, Abu Kalashnikov? Beyond the max, there’s always another gun. Slow-motion: with a speed like lightening, BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN reaches beneath his jacket, and pulls out a sawn-off shotgun. He shoots ABU KALASHNIKOV once in the head and once in the belly. ABU KALASHNIKOV collapses. COBALT: I guess he found out why they call it the danger zone. Scene Ten Department of Law HQ. THE CHIEF, CLINT BASALT and BRUCE COBALT: MAXIMUM LAWMAN are standing outside the door. BASALT: Are you sure you don’t want to stay with Team ALLOSAURUS? There are other bad guys who need to be taken down. COBALT: Thanks, Clint. But my place is here, with The Chief- and justice. BASALT (to THE CHIEF): Well, thanks for letting us have him. He’s a good man. He salutes him and walks off. THE CHIEF: Well, Cobalt, the investigation against you came up with nothing, and after your success in taking down Abu Kalashnikov, we’re ready to put you back on the streets whenever you’re ready. COBALT: Whenever I’m ready? THE CHIEF: Whenever. COBALT: How about: right now?
He puts on his shades. _Bad to the Bone_ plays. He walks away in slow motion. END
Published on May 25, 2011