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Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay

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Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay December 18th, 2007

Silicone Sunday: The Gift That Keeps On Groping Silicone Sunday. Money can’t buy you love, but it can ensure the hellacious enshrinement of fabulously enhanced knockers. Set on the third Sunday of December, Silicone Sunday is a holiday all about the modified bodacious hooters and eyecrossing cleavage that make this country great. On this one knockerlicious day of the year, man, woman, and child alike will offer homage to the life-giving and lustsustaining power of gazongas, the only force powerful enough to remove the nation’s attention from Britney Spears’ ghastly nether regions. Women will go topless without legal ramifications, and for once men will not have to conceal their reverence for the orbs of plenty. Titty magazines, porn movies, and ’s Secret catalogs shall be made available to all and viewed without shame or self-consciousness. Let it all hang out on Silicone Sunday! Sexy helper image from here.

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8/29/2008


Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay

WeGotTones.com

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December 17th, 2007

Mayor Newsom Behind “Poundage” Charge for Obesity

After proposing a tax on sellers of sugary soft drinks that fuel obesity, San Francisco’s Mayor Newsom went one step farther with a plan to charge fat people by the pound. “The gravitationally challenged place additional stress on our floors, public transportation, and sewage treatment facilities,” the Mayor explained at a press conference. “It’s become fashionable to paint the obese as victims of predatory food marketers,” Newsom continued. “But it’s high time they paid a price for their disproportionate wear and tear on infrastructure and damage to the food chain. And I figure that price is about $1.50 per pound.” Women with enormous breasts would pay at a discount rate, while a surcharge would be levied against males with “man boobs.”

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Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay

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Advocate groups for obese and overweight people reacted with horror. At the extreme end of the spectrum, some vowed to devour Newsom–with few or no condiments and little attention to presentation. Others were more sanguine about the situation. “I wouldn’t pay more than 99 cents a pound,” one anonymous Weight Watchers enthusiast said. Another was even less critical. “Mmmmmm, pounds,” said another. “My favorite!” Image from here. Be the first to rate this By Paul -- 0 comments

December 16th, 2007

The Night Before Rehab: Evil Santa Claus Puts on the Dope

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December 16th, 2007

HWJR: How Would Jesus Roll?

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Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay

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After dispensing with the pagan aspects of Yuletide, one thinks of the stories surrounding the birth of Jesus, who at a later stage in life entered Jerusalem on the back of an ass. Were He to return today, the back of many a sanctimonious religious leader could provide a similar mode of conveyance.But what if He really were to return to emcee the rapture today? Perhaps other modes of transport would be in play, depending on the style in which He makes His comeback: Silicon Valley Savior: Nerd Jesus brings eternal life in a Blackberry. Has a Lamborghini Gallardo tuned by Raeder Motorsport but walks a lot because driving a stick is a hassle. Pimpin Jesus: Rolls in a ‘Sclade, with diamond bling halo crafted by Jacob the Jeweler. Posse of 12. White Trash Jesus: No Airstream SkyDeck for the mullet-wearing Messiah. Travels in a vintage Keystone with roll-out pink flamingos. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Litigator Jesus: Taking legal action against sinners, He wins a judgment in His favor every time. Drives Mercedes CL-Class when not driving Satan out of Wilson Sonsini. Hedge Fund Manager Jesus: Suddenly you realize He some how obtained a controlling interest in your salvation. Hmmm. What’s your break up value? No land transport—strictly Learjet 35, or Eurocopter NH90 when the forces of evil are at and. Secret Agent Jesus: Doesn’t need to wait in line for an Aston Marton Vanquish. This one has some buttons even James Bond’s rides don’t have. Eject button has dire consequences in the afterlife. The image above is the “Buddy Christ” from the movie Dogma. Be the first to rate this By Paul -- 0 comments

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December 16th, 2007

Hoverboy: Classic 1947 Animation It doesn’t really have much to do with anything, but then again what does?

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December 15th, 2007

Obligatory Disgraceful Santa Video Perverse subtitles make all the difference sometimes.

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December 15th, 2007

Race Riots in D.C. as Congress Breaks for Winter: Part 1 In the nation’s capitol yesterday, a mob of legislators that had been loitering around D.C. waiting for the holiday recess went berserk, unleashing a reign of drunken terror on the Capitol Hill area. Citizens are said to be cowering in basements and attics, while many businesses have shut their doors to avoid damage from patrician looters. Preliminary reports indicate the outburst resulted from tensions that had been brewing in both houses for months. The Senate had passed a $286 billion farm bill so important that Senators Obama, Dodd, Biden, and Clinton nearly interrupted their campaigns to vote on it. Efforts to attach riders and earmark provisions to the huge bill had almost derailed the legislation, and hostility was rife in chambers after the bill was passed.

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Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay

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Tension in the room mounted as several members of the House of Representatives paraded in, obviously drunk and looking for trouble. Senate Whip Roy Blunt remained silent as he endured a storm of indignation over his attempt to attach a rider to the bill that would have provided him with a free iPhone. But he was shaking with rage and indignation, unable to hold back his rage when a Democrat beaned him with a Mickey Big Mouth can. The whip seized the nearest thing handy, which happened to be a life-sized plastic gastrointestinal model left over from a medical legislation session, and hurled it into the crowd. The substantial plastic bowel hurtled through the air and awakened Senator Ted Kennedy. Kennedy quickly sped to the nearest bar to secure reinforcements. Initially the fray shaped up like a partisan rumble, but wholesale anarchy prevailed by the time Kennedy and a crew of belligerent senators returned. All present were soon embroiled in a tremendous rhubarb reflecting no recognizable divisions or distinctions, party line or otherwise. When a bust of shattered against Kennedy’s nose, he literally leapt into the fray both feet first, crushing a junior congressman from an unimportant state. As the Senators waded in behind their leader, their ranks soon fell into dissension as well, and in a matter of minutes a scene of indiscriminant violence rivaled the United Nations in savagery. “It was like the food fight scene in Animal House,” commented a Capitol Police officer who had taken cover under a desk. “Except these are adults—or at least I thought they were.” (Plenty more after the jump!) Riot image from here. Read More Be the first to rate this By Paul -- 2 comments

December 13th, 2007

Linker Barn: Friday, December 14 

 



   

‘Tis the Season: Countrywide gets subpoena from Illinois AG. No joke: the world’s saddest hero story. Times are hard: $70 million bonus for Goldman Sachs’ Blankfein? Willy Nelson right where he belongs: on the cover of High Times. NexGen sex & jollies from Web 2.0. Guy Kawasaki on How Not To Choke. Spam takes over: 95% of e-mail traffic. iPhone app lets users record video.  The world’s hugest camel toe.

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Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay

  

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 InfoWorld Gripeline: low tech companies joining effort to make warranty coverage impossible. Rude Pundit on religious assbaggery in the House of Reps. The rack you’ll love to be tortured on: Danielle Lloyd. Akinao Aoshima: fiery hot Japanese boob model action.

Bush image from here. Lloyd image from here. Be the first to rate this By Paul -- 0 comments

December 13th, 2007

Lottery Ticket for X-Mas = Murder

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December 12th, 2007

Cashmas: The New Secular Sale-a-Bration

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Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay

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Cashmas. This holiday would pretty much take over where our current commercialized version of Christmas leaves off. People are always complaining about commercialization, but it’s not like they want to spend the 25th of December kneeling in a Buddhist convent or indulging in autoflagellation. They want CASH MONEY! So why not just admit we’ve always idolized the almighty dollar? All that time on our knees in church or bashing our heads on a prayer rug—we weren’t all praying for world peace or asking the Lord to end word hunger. Come on now, in your heart of hearts, weren’t you just begging the Big Guy to make you rich, rich, rich! Gimme the bling, Big Diddy in the sky! So this year for Cashmas, get down on your knees and worship money and all that comes with it. We’re not worthy, we’re not worthy! Hang fake bills on your 24 carat Cashmas tree, put a life size plastic Snoop Dogg on your roof, and bow down and worship Bill Gates like the rich baalbastard he is. Don’t forget to dedicate your Day of the Rich altar to the tax-evading capitalist avatar of your choice. And don’t give a red nickel to the poor! Let ‘em cadge chump change and score their own damned holiday spirit. Santa buck image from here. Dolla Dolla image from here. Be the first to rate this By Paul -- 2 comments « Previous Entries Next Entries »

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8/29/2008

Silicone Sunday  

'Tis the season--to go up a few cup sizes

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