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O Haggis, My Haggis!

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Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay O Haggis, My Haggis! by Paul on December 23rd, 2007 (Reprinted from the American Haggisological Society) For some reason, Americans have a difficult time opening their hearts to Haggis, the traditional Scottish dish. Often a recipe does not receive full attention when its first line reads something like, “ Boil the lungs, liver, glimms, and heart in tallow rendering vat until sponge-like.” Then again, if you really knew—I mean really, really knew—what was in some of that stuff you’ve been bolting for years at any number of fast food franchises . . . . well, life just wouldn’t be worth living anymore. It really wouldn’t. We must acknowledge our debt to haggis, especially in this holy season, for this is the dish that has fortified us with the noble concept of cooking an entire meal within the convenient confines of an actual stomach, usually a sheep stomach. (Coming soon to your freezer section!) One could think of it as a very large hot pocket, a meat pie without the bothersome crust, or a dead body that won’t get you in trouble with the law. It seems that in the late middle ages the very word ‘haggis’ was common to both English and Scottish. Its earlier history is difficult to trace because prior to the Norman conquest every word in both languages is known only by the first few letters because the speakers were so busy killing each other that no one ever got to the end of a word, much less a sentence. That being said, we think it’s high time to repatriate haggis to the English language and to the American table. To do this is simple. The problem with haggis is essentially public relations. Just think how unappetizing some other popular noshes would be without all the culinary spin surrounding them. Go ahead, slurp down some dead fish and invertebrates (God knows what they eat!), fry up a pair of kidneys that filtered 11,000 gallons of urine in their lifetime, and top it off by guzzling down a lactose-based ichor secreted by shaggy, reeking quadrupeds. Familiarity is the key to introducing haggis to the American palate, and nowhere is the skin of a dead mammal so popular as on the football field. Swapping out the sheep stomach for the old pigskin is hardly even a noticeable difference, and in a blind taste test some actually found it an improvement. (Others simply went blind.) We suggest a few more improvements below. Recipe: Hail Mary Haggis (Ideal for Superbowl Sunday, or other occasions of bacchanalian

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8/30/2008


O Haggis, My Haggis!

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debauchery, or just any old Sunday, or any day): Ingredients: One large pig stomach Pig organs, including the gorks, womble, brog (deveined), both lollyknockers, and hank 12 globs putine 20 wads shirakiku 2 dozen deep-fried monkey toes (available at Indonesian market or Trader Joe’s) 1 bottle Ranch dressing 1 one-way bus ticket to Duluth, Minn. Arrange organs in a large gym bag and place on the manifold of your car. Drive at least 25 miles, visit liquor store, and obtain several quarts of scotch and a gallon of Everclear (pure alcohol). Remove gym bag upon return and palpitate organs. Discard womble if leaping. Return organs to duffel and beat with squash stick or witch’s broom for 30 minutes or until organs are foaming vigorously. Stuff organs with putine and shirakiku, return to bag, and heat over open fire until half-time. Then liberally douse haggis with Everclear. Loudly reciting Whitman’s “Captain, My Captain,” with the word “haggis” in place of “captain,” ignite Everclear-soaked haggis, hurl into neighbor’s yard, and copiously micturate upon it. Drink half a bottle of scotch rapidly. Drench monkey toes in Ranch dressing, eat monkey toes, and reflect on how god-damned wonderful it is to live in a free country where caber-straggling troglodytes can’t make you gag on scalded bowels thrice daily! Continue drinking scotch and reciting “Haggis, My Haggis” as make an anonymous phone call to the police from a payphone at the bus station. Tell them your neighbor sports a confederate flag and caused a blast and terrible conflagration when he tried to fit an explosive haggis into a box and mail it to an unknown destination. Get on the bus to Duluth, and don’t come back. Don’t ever come back. For larger parties, quadruple recipe, substituting stomach of Al Roker. Alert FBI well in advance. Buon Gusto! Be the first to rate this POSTED IN: News, TNT

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8/30/2008

O Haggis, My Haggis  

Holiday Haggis recipe makes for festive arson.

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