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GET YOURSELF SOME MANSPIRATION December 2010

LAUNC H ISSU E

FREE!

INSIDE Ask Dan Le Sac & Scroobius Pip let’s hear it for hand jobs

My Reset Moment

How Professor Green Turned His Life Around Plus How to get Recombobulated Win tickets to the Warehouse Project, MOS & Deadmau5 tour

www.THECalmzone.net

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The CALM Manifesto Men are ignored. When was the last time you were inspired by a male t role model? We’re not talking abou s. 1990 the isn’t this iser, stur moi g usin s “lad ty, reali re Billboard hunks igno mags” ignore diversity (no, not that Diversity). All that men are and can be in the 21st century is lost in marketing crap. We would like to help you tear up the s. stereotypes and challenge the norm to you for e spac a e mak to t wan We n be opinionated, funny and outspoke t wan and are you that g ythin ever t abou but ch prea to to be. We’re not here es to inspire, to ‘reset’ male stereotyp out with lives our so that we can live bowing to the expected. Because with er suicide the biggest killer of men und 4 y ever of out 3 and UK the in 35 badly suicides being male, something is ing find fun e som have let’s So g. wron out what the new rulebook looks like. We feel that it’s the least that men deserve, so here it is. All men welcome.

That’s our manifesto and we’ll be offering this space to others so that they can tell you theirs. Next time - DJ, blogger and all round legend Eddy Temple-Morris gives us his take. What’s yours? Get in touch at reset@thecalmzone.net

Contents 4 – 7 The Reset Moment British hip-hop star Professor Green and other music names tell us about their tough times and how they Reset their lives. 10 & 11 Recombobulated Dance music

journalist Simon Morrison adjusts to life after partying round the world for a decade. 13 Not F*cking Turkey Again Not looking

forward to Christmas? Here’s some balm. 14 & 15 It’s The Little Things Comedian Richard Sandling gets wound up. We let him vent. 16 & 17 Give Yourself A Helping Hand

Max Pemberton eulogises self-love. Yes, you did hear that right. 19 Topman Takes To The Streets For

some trend spotting and Reset moments 21 – 26 Obsessed Music, films, games..... stuff we love, basically. 27 How To Be... A DJ Our series of helpful

tips about anything and everything. 28 How You Can Help More about us and

more stuff for you. 30 Ask Dan Le Sac & Scroobius Pip

Music stars turn agony uncles. Of a sort. MAN

Editor: Martin Cordiner spired Reset Coordinator: Jamie Scahill Read ? Design: Because Studio on Original design: TheoBaldFox Contributors: Richard Sandling, Simon Morrison, Dan Le sac, Scroobius Pip, Jamie Scahill, Martin Cordiner, Andy Naylor, Max Pemberton, Lindsey Bezzina Special thanks to everyone who put their time and effort into making this happen, especially Jane Powell, Ajax Scott, James Scroogs, Simon Howes, Darren Wheeler @ Gould Publication Papers UK, Gary Smith @ Redactive, all at Topman and everyone at Skiddle.com Do you want to advertise in or write for Reset email us at reset@thecalmzone.net The Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is a registered charity No. 1110621 Unit 304, 30 Gt Guildford St, London SE1 0HS Twitter http://twitter.com/TheCALMZone facebook http://www.facebook.com/theCALMzone Disclaimer All text and layout is the copyright of CALM. Nothing in the magazine may be reproduced in whole or part without the written permission of the publisher. All copyrights are recognised and used specifically for the purpose of criticism and review. Although the magazine has endeavoured to ensure all information is correct at time of print, prices and availability may change. This magazine is fully independent and not affiliated in any way with the companies mentioned herein.

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man open up = up

MY MOMENT 4

Reset   January 2010


l miserable sometime Face it: we all f** up and fee d that we never hit a or other. But we mostly preten t isn’t worth it. Funny wall, let alone feel that life jus involve an opportunity thing is, those dark times often shaping our lives the to reset – and they can end up s seven men from the most. Over the next four page RESET MOMENTS that world of music tell us about the made them who they are.

had an UK rapper Professor Green has les, sing five top two r: yea incredible o Mob nt rece a m, albu ling -sel gold a ing som blos a award, a sell-out tour and ing -com and upromance with an been soap star. But life hasn’t always g alin d-de wee From en. Gre to d goo star er cov our drama to family tragedy, ns. dow and up his has certainly had y, he Kicking off this month’s cover stor A IKE took time out from assembling tell to , est) (hon furniture in his new pad his in d har ked wor has RESET how he search for happiness. reset Reset Moment: I’ve really had three ed my sign I re befo moments. The first was just Beats The ner’s Skin Mike first record deal with false for done was I ted. arres label and I got lved imprisonment and possession and it invo onse resp d arme Scotland Yard and SO19 [an unit so it must have been no joke - Ed]. sted and It was the first time I had been arre hty and naug ty pret been had I us. serio it was same the at sted there was a lot of people arre n-I actio er furth no ing time. I ended up gett y. luck got very, very

I was That was a real shock to the system. been had I that g ythin on the backend of ever t can’ this ght thou just I going through and deal l labe first my sign to t abou was go on. I re it and I would have lost ever ything befo had even started. dad died. The second moment was after my with him. hip ions relat t ulen turb I had a very and that He was always in and out of my life ys the alwa was he affected me as a kid, but one I looked up to. and I last I last saw him alive when I was 18, istmas Chr the e phon the on him to e spok 22 was I ide. prior to him committing suic In . him to out hed reac and it was me that being t abou him to e spok I tion that conversa and ie a son. He said ‘[my step mum] Jack , ‘It’s the kids would like to see you’. I said about it’s , ilies fam y happ not about playing . you’ and me t talking abou y see In the end I said ‘Fuck you, if I ever said was It ’ out. you I’m going to knock you r neve had we past the out of pure anger. In fit bene the him give ys alwa ld argued. I wou of the doubt.

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to Learn to be able d an look at yourself nt take into accou ple what other peo are telling you

I later got to learn some of what he had been through and having understood a little bit about him I was scared. I realised that either that was going to break me along with him, or I needed to turn my life around. So I was able to bury the resentment I had with him. It would have been much nicer to have had a conversation, but there was no way I could do that, unfortunately. After that I was out of a record deal [The Beats label folded before releasing any of Pro Green’s music] and I got back into stuff that I shouldn’t. I saw there were a lot of faults in my character - in particular I found it hard to trust people. But I decided I didn’t want to end up going down the same road he did or being a bitter person. I wanted to find happiness. After I was stabbed in Cargo [ a London club] in May last year, I phoned my mum and my Nan to say goodbye because the neck is a pretty bad place to be stabbed. The bottle went through behind my jawbone and there was blood everywhere. Initially I was angry and I still have a bit of that. But now when I find myself in a place where I feel angry or vulnerable, I physically take myself out of it. I know what it’s like. If I feel uncomfortable I leave. I won’t give it the chance to escalate.

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Reset   January 2010

The other side is that I’m much more appreciative. I know how lucky I am, and I have worked god damn hard since then. I’ve also opened up as a person and I’m much calmer and more together now. I wasn’t helped to do that. I saw myself hurting people around me. I didn’t find relationships easy. I didn’t want anyone getting inside me. But once you hurt enough people you realise you want to make some changes. If I’ve got any advice for other people, then it’s to learn to be able to look at yourself and take into account what other people are telling you. In my case some of those people were friends and family, but sometimes the ones you can listen to most and talk to about things are not necessarily the people you are closest to. Also, sometimes it’s important to avoid things that are right in front of you. And depending on what you want, then you have to work out what you need to do to get it. The main thing for me was just not wanting to be unhappy.


Hero

great y family. My It’s really m was 90. lived ’til she grandmother l of a lot el h through a n ee b ad h e Sh s. She was o world war including tw anners don’t ings like ‘m taught me th le like you d ‘treat peop an g’ in th a cost arnt a lot ted’ and I le ea tr e b to t wan so been a big y Nan has al ging me from her. M she was brin en h W . n io inspirat bs at once. king three jo or w ul, as w e up sh my uncles, Pa ere’s one of th d en an th id d d n A an I arder start th g who had a h own buildin is h of an m re fo ow n who’s the cycle. e really broke company. H

Obsession When I’m not work ing the way I like to relax is to catch up with people that I don’t get to see wh ile I’m on the road . I like to chill with my girl [Hollyoak s Later actress Cand y McCulloch], an dI go out and walk th e dog. He’s a thre eyear old Staff. He ’s a little shit but I do miss him when I’m away. He’s not be en snipped so he’s ve ry full of energy – not shagging people’s legs and all of that, just full of life.

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Andrew Ten Second Epic My reset moment happened earlier this year when a friend of mine passed away. At the end of the funeral, because there was no casket, my friends and I joined arms around our friend’s ice hockey jersey (which had been hung at the front). Being on tour means I don’t see e them so much, and ever since I’ve mak time h muc as d the extra effort to spen with them as I can. www.myspace.com/tensecondepic

Andy Bayliss Sharks Reset Moment: I was seven pounds and ten ounces when I was born. After nine beautiful solitar y months of peace and warmth, I was thrown onto the hospital scales, and told to “Get a job!!“. Hero: Charlie Brown and Charles Bukowski. Obsession: Writing, just scribbling down ideas, stories. www.myspace.com/sharksuk

Gary The Libertines & Invasion of... e I was working with someon t. ran to set up a bar restau he fired me After many 90 hour weeks stress and and I was hospitalized for I had to get anxiety - and I was broke. the debt. I off pay crappy temp jobs to my forte. not is ss ine bus realised that Thankfully, music is. sionof www.myspace.com/theinva

Snoz The Blackout Reset Moment: I quit working to concentrate full time on the band. Very scary, no income, but exciting. Thankfully it’s turned out ok! Hero: Vinnie Paul of Pantera or James Hetfield of Metallica Obsession: Football! www.myspace.com/theblackout

Wayne To The Bones I needed something new, something fresh, so I started to learn Brazilian Ju-Jitsui. I really enjoy the learning the techniques and a better o int get me distraction helps d. frame of min nes www.myspace.com/tothebo

Ryan Catfish and the Bottlemen Me and our roadie Catfish got kicked out of school in the same week! We were told that we’d never make anything of ourselves and now we see teachers coming up to us saying they love our EP! Hero: Me grandad’s my hero, he’s about 269 really but he’s still gigging, old school irish jigs. Obsession: This is a bad one, but we all love Robbie Williams.... www.myspace.com/catfishandthebottlemen

wall and e. But we pretend that we never hit a We all f** up + feel miserable sometim us and shape our lives. m infor what often are s time ging feel our life is over. Those life chan and look at why they make public some of those moments So, the plot is to anonymously (or not) life is finished. his king to the poor sod currently thin were so important. And give some hope mzone.net ecal t@th rese ent mom t t your Rese Tell us - or more pertinently, him - abou 88 Reset  Reset    January   January2010 2010


...and relax

TIPS When things get bad and your head starts throbbing so badly you can’t even think, then it’s time to give your brain a break. So close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Breathe out. Do it again. Now press that Mythical button and prepare to RESET. And remember, EVERTHING YOU DO IS NOT SHIT.

Make a connection Either in person or on the phone. Call a mate and fix up to meet - or just talk. Text them. Ask them how they are. Tell them how you are. Let your fingers do the walking.

Still Stuffed workwise? Get a new skill. What do you really want to do? Whether it’s carpentry or cooking, it’s never too late to try something new. www.direct.gov.uk/en/ EducationAndLearning/AdultLearning/

Re-connect with your passion What’s that thing that used to keep you awake at night (no, not that thing)? Why not start doing it again. Go to a gig, a gallery, a game – or just go out for a walk. Look up in the sky and see things you haven’t noticed before. Feel alive.

Exam hassle? Don’t over-stress Put in the work, but if your results aren’t what you hoped for, then keep them in perspective. Once you’re done, no-one will ask about them again. The work you put in is what counts most.

Exercise Start training to run 10K for

CALM. Or for another cause if you insist. Exercise gets your serotonin (or happiness) levels up. Run with a mate. Or your dog. Come to think of it, go and get a dog – they don’t let you down. Stuffed workwise? Go and volunteer. This can make you more employable, but you’ll also meet new people, learn new skills and get some satisfaction. www.volunteering.org.uk/

In debt? Sometimes the hardest thing is admitting you’re in too deep. But you’re not the only one. Take your head out of the sand – even that will feel a relief – and get some advice. www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/ Relationship stress? Anyone who says blokes aren’t bothered about relationships is talking bollocks. It’s not easy, but silence solves nothing. Try to talk about it. Or admit to yourself it’s time to walk away. Accept our mission CALM is going to be setting a whole series of missions over the coming months – and we’ll be challenging you. www.thecalmzone.net

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Man ll ts a f o men mo

M o c Re

Simon

on

Morris

u b boteD

la n To The Retur Side Right

10 Reset   January 2010


For many years I lived on the “Wrong Side” of the tracks, penning dispatches from nefarious bars and bordellos around the world, from gutters and palaces, gin joints and shebeens… stories that ultimatel y formed my book, Discombobulate d. However ever y Saturday night is followed by a Sunday and, inevitably, Monday morn ing. And that’s when you have to pull yourself back together, reassemble the disparate pieces - to “recombobulate”, if you will. I have spent my existence on life’s dancefloor, measured out my years in roached-up flyers and sweaty scraps of paper containing phone numbers of people long lost to the smoke machine of memory. I went “out” so much I was never really “in”. When I moved to Manchester, in the dusty end of the 80s, to study, I remember the way peop le would talk about a club called the Haci enda, where strange and exotic experiments were taking place. I went there at the very end of 1989 and never really made it home. Writing for the likes of DJmagazine, Mixmag, Ministry, travelling ever ywhe re from Brazil to Beijing, New York to Mos cow, getting squiffy on someone else’s tab and then trying desperately to make it hom e again. A wonderful life, of course, spen t amongst the colourful human beings that inhabit the planet’s nightclubs. But there is always a flip-side; there is always ying to the yang… and I’ve got ying up the ying-yang. Ever ything you put into your body has to be accounted for by a kind of Chancellor of the Chemical Exchequer who lives in your liver. We all know this, just as we go ahead and do it anyway, because we are comfortable ‘Discombobulated – Dispatches e from the Wrong Side’ is availabl the and ops ksh from boo publisherswww.headpress.com www.twitter.com/djwrong

with the rate-of-exchange. Equally, there is a bigger game of give-and-take going on as well. You can have that life, of course, but you need to understand it renders any kind of normal home life quite impossible.

I went ‘out’ so much I was never really ‘in’ When I came down from these high-flyin g adventures it would be back home to my apartment – a very nice apartment, agre ed – in the Northern Quarter of Manches ter where I lived, alone. And that can be a hollow shell to come back to: no-one bothered your plane was delayed, no-one to pick you up from the airport, no-one preparing food or fixing you a drink when you step back through the door. It’s a solipsistic, wonderful, fragile, crazy shell of a life – all peeling paintwork and no depth underneath. I remember discussing it all with my high school sweetheart, who I found online and caught up with at lunc h one day. We had dated through school but I hadn’t seen her for some 15 years. I tried to detail this strange life I was leading to a girl who knew me as an 11 year old kid at Grammar School in north London. “Th ere is only one adventure left,” I declared, grandiosely. “Children. Having children. It’s the last great adventure left”. As she already had two kids she looked at me like I was quite, quite mad and in due cour se we finished lunch and said our goodbyes , little imagining that we would embark on that adventure together. Next time: life grabs Simon by the balls . Well, very nearly....

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it F et G ALM C r o f n Ru Suicide Stop in laces p e n v ’ We aratho M f l a sH Adida ch 2011 r rathon 6th Ma a M n Londo Virgin ril 2011 p 17th A 10k hester 1 c n a M ay 201 15th M n 10K Londo 2011 y 10 Jul tion forma

in more t and et c a . t e n zon n Co lm a c he info@t ation registr r o f e n Deadli 2011. n a J t 1s ause ding c -34 a le e h 5 e is t ged 1 Suicid men a f o h t of dea UK in the ainst ign Ag a p m , Ca CALM iserably 621 M Living reg no 1110 y it Char


Notking F*crkey Tu ain Ag ut the s abo k l a t zzina ey Be ! Linds e jolly n to b o s a e s

THE ROBBING BASTARD IN THE

RED SUIT

l Every Marks & Spencer regiona ts together manager is rubbing their mit le with glee because of the inevitab ause Bec ? why And nd. spe to on obligati shit lly sme m’s this is Christmas. Mu dad from last year is untouched and its CD. Stra e Dir r the ano d nee sn’t doe k) halves And the ones with ‘better (roc er eat rath y’d The ! hah – e)’ (hard plac of me sha reindeer turd than face the id, forb god ll, sma ing buying someth e, Fatty inexpensive. Well not this tim nch. bra n ndo Farquharson of the Swi t I can wha , like l wel n dam I t I’ll get wha damn god y’ll the and rd affo l wel n dam as. like it. Because this is Christm K. BAC IT ING TAK ’RE AND WE F-F-F-FOOTBALLERS, HOPE YOU F-F-F-FREEZE YOUR MANHOOD OFF Footballers. What a bunch of thick, extravagant, cheatin g, diving, ugly, mercenary bastards . They give me a bit of joy over the Chris tmas period though. I have 8 glorious and wondrous days off over the Christm as period. So while they are freezing the ir bollocks off on training pitches, no matter how much they get bloody paid, I’ll be wrapped up at home causing hangovers while shovelling selection boxes down my greedy throat. I’m pr aying for a blizzard! Me 1 Footballers 0.

I’ve already got a jumper THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN FOOTBALLERS AT CHRISTMAS ARE FAMILIES I don’t know who to feel more sorry for. Those that shoehorn the whole family around two mismatched tables, or those spending it alone. I don’t know what’s more pleasing – the satisfaction you get from seeing your miser y of an uncle open yet another unwanted petrol station special or having unadulterated control over the TV remote and its Christmas superpowers. But there is one myth that needs dispelling – that Christmas is a family time. No it’s fucking not. Christmas is a time for loneliness amplification, where the holes in your pockets never felt bigger, where you realise in spite of sharing 99% genetic code with these people, you have nothing more to say beyond, “pass the Brussels to Jean”. Christmas is a time where the few guilt free days I am granted off from this poxy job are invaded by urchins that claim to be kinsman. Don’t-they-have-homes-oftheir-own!

‘TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY? ‘TIS MY ARSE. ROLL ON NEXT YEAR. LINDSEY ISN’T ALWAYS SUCH A SCROOGE. HONEST! (ED) www.THECalmzone.net

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GrRR rrrrrR RRRR R R

It’s the

little things Richard Sandling

14 Reset   January 2010


Hello, I’m Richard. I am a comedian, writer and actor. Almost everything drives me insane with anger. But it’s the little things, I find, that make the most impression. Big things often feel easier to cope with, they’re acceptable things to be angry about, but the little ones leave you with a sense of impotent rage. The feeling of frustration remains because there is no real catharsis to enduring delayed trains, noisy i-pods or a 20p surcharge to have two bits of manky lettuce, or “salad”, in your sandwich. It’s hard to express this, despite anger and exasperation at being given poor customer service or being insulted. Getting frothy milk in your weak coffee despite specifically asking for a normal white coffee isn’t a good enough excuse to hospitalise someone, though that is how angry you feel. So here are my tales of enduring the little things, those that add to the unnecessary struggle of daily life. Hopefully it will help me, and those who feel the same, reach some sort of peace. As “luck” would have it, I just got interrupted by another bloody telesales call. I hate cold callers. Hate them. I really cannot possibly even describe on an appropriate scale how much I feel that someone phoning me at home to sell me something is a massive invasion of my privacy. I don’t watch TV and turn up at the last minute for the cinema because I hate adverts. So to have someone advertise to me directly is, quite frankly, an insult to me as a consumer and a human being. I note who they are, Google them, find out what stuff they represent and then boycott it. I am so rude to call centres. I surprise even myself sometimes. Do they not know we can spot a telesales call a mile off? At first, there is nothing. Then a click and the background noise of 100 people talking fills your ears before an Asian or a Geordie, both called Jon or

Even befo re mispronun the ciation of my name I’m on the off ensive. And I am offensive Sandra and both without English as their first language decide to waste your time. So even before the struggle to find which person they’re supposed to be speaking to and the mispronunciation of my name in a broad and impenetrable accent I am on the offensive. And I am offensive. It’s worst when my actual bank phone me up. Immediately my stomach is cramped and my mind starts racing. Is someone stealing my ID, did I go over drawn, have I lost all my money? It’s not like they’re gonna phone me up to congratulate me on not being overdrawn, is it? So I brace myself and then they ask about insurance. Insurance! Christ almighty, they nearly gave me a heart attack! I am slightly nicer to them, though, as they are my bank and I may need to grovel to them one day… I could just not answer my home phone. I don’t have caller ID so I can’t check for withheld numbers, but all my friends have my mobile number anyway so the only people who are calling me at home during office hours want to sell me something. But I can’t take that chance. What if it’s a family emergency, I can’t just ignore every call and check messages. So what’s the answer? They always get your number somehow. They keep calling and I keep telling them where to go - surely there is a more grown up solution on both sides. Ideas welcome, just don’t pick up the phone… Richard will be appearing in the next series of Peep Show www.richardsandling.com www.twitter.com/squat_betty www.youtube.com/user/Buchan 39 www.THECalmzone.net

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–   up n Liste he’s aor Doct

Dr Max Pemberton

Give youR self  a hand There are loads of words for masturbating – tossing off, wanking, jacking, tugging, bashing the bishop and even choking the chicken. The list goes on. And the list of worries it provokes in guys seems to be just as long. There are numerous myths around wanking and a number of guys seem to feel guilty about it. Sure, you don’t necessarily want to talk about it over the dinner table (not every night, anyway), but it’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I’m sure everyone reading this article does it. So what’s the big deal?

16 Reset   January 2010


While it often seems that everything fun in life is bad for you, tossing off is not. In fact, it’s pretty good for you - it feels great, helps you relax and you get to know your body better, which is damn handy in a relationship. How can you expect someone else to give you pleasure if you don’t know how to do it to yourself? People start doing it at different ages – some when they’re too young to actually cum, others when they hit puberty. Most guys have an orgasm and cum when they wank, but not everyone. And while we’re on the subject of spunk, colour and texture varies - sometimes there’s little ‘bits’ in it or lumps, and this is totally normal. Go to see the doctor if there’s blood in it, though – you might have an infection. Sperms, which live in cum, are only alive in your body for a short time. You’re constantly making new ones and bashing the bishop helps you get rid of the oldies. It’s like a natural spring clean for your nuts. There’s even some evidence that it can reduce the risk of prostate cancer later in life. Feel free to volunteer either of these if you accidentally leave the bathroom door unlocked. And there’s no ‘correct’ way to do it. For some the top part of their schlong is the sensitive part, while others prefer to tug at the base. Some guys like to toss off using a lubricant – baby oil, Vaseline or perhaps something more exotic – while others don’t. Steer clear of household cleaning products, though (ouch). And the hoover? Just don’t. It always ends in tears - and not just your mum’s. Not everyone wanks. Some people don’t on religious grounds. But that’s their business, and from a purely medical point of view there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t. How often do you do it? Daily is fairly normal, especially for younger guys. Blokes in sexual relationships tend to masturbate less, but most still do sometimes, often

with a hand from their partners. Some guys get worried that they’re doing it too much. If all you’re doing all day is tugging away then it might be a good idea to get out a bit more (put it away first), but even so it’s not going to kill you. Finally, to destroy a few myths for good, here are just some of the things that choking the chicken doesn’t do: make your knob shrink (or, I’m afraid, grow - no matter how hard you tug it); make you go blind or affect your vision in any way (unless you accidentally shoot a load in your eye); make hair grow on your palms; make you depressed, mad or give you any other mental health problem; make you impotent; deplete your energy or shorten your life in any way;  ake you rubbish at sex (it might make m you better at it, because it helps you learn how to speed up and hold back your orgasms, so no wonder that sex therapists use masturbation techniques to help with guys that cum too fast). And when was the last time you had to buy your hand flowers? Enough said. Max wrote the original version of this article for www.thecalmzone.net back in the mists of time. Since then he’s become unfeasibly successful, written copious amounts for various rags and two books, ‘Trust Me I’m A (jun ior) Doctor’ and ‘Where Does It Hurt?’, clearly giving the lie to the idea that such professions lack any spare time. We trust we’ll hear more from him. www.maxpemberton.com www.THECalmzone.net

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20 Reset   January 2010


OBsessed

MUSIC

They love messing w ith the formu la

Martin Cordiner

www.twitter.com/McWrites It’s exciting when you realise that a band get it. As a fan, it’s a little bit deflating to hear another bunch of blokes with guitars doing nothing of any particular interest. Sure, it’s a thrill for you up there, you’ve made it out of your bedroom, you’ve formed The Indies and you’re no doubt irresistible to the opposite sex, but you’re doing nothing I haven’t heard hundreds of times before, I’m bored and this beer’s a bit flat. Give me a break, pal. Manchester’s Everything Everything, though, get it. Their debut album, Man Alive, is a brilliant example of doing things with more imagination. There’s something almost comic book, so very consciously fun about the way they tackle the sing-a-long groove of ‘My Keys, Your Boyfriend’ and the pounding, oversized ‘Photoshop Handsome’. It helps when you’ve got a singer as distinctive as Jon Higgins, brilliant twisting melodies and quirky lyrics delivered at a frenetic speed and often in a soaring falsetto.

But it’s more that they love messing with the formula, which is great because the formula is boring. They know that imagination is needed and that’s what we get in the way the synth backing grows in ‘Qwerty Finger’ and the way ‘Schoolin’’ combines brooding string atmospherics with a Neptunes-style whistle hook. I love the effort that’s clearly gone in and the end result is pretty great too. www.myspace.com/everythingeverythinguk

Manspired = makin your m g a mixtaate pe

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22 Reset   January 2010


The Forever War

OBsessed What music, film, books or games are you excited about right now? Tell us at www.thecalmzone.net

BOOKS

FILM

William Mandela is a conscripted soldier training to fight in an interstellar war against an alien race. We follow his journey as it spans a few years in his life, but a thousand on Earth due to the time dilation that affects him and his colleagues as they travel to distant solar systems.

‘Oh no, I hate westerns.’ I have even heard movie buffs say this. Okay, so there’s a lot of dross, at it’s height anyone with a bad, “I’m pretending I’m on a horse” action could throw together a film and guarantee some box office. But this is the genre where you learn about people.

The Forever War, written 35 years ago, is a wonderfully crafted piece of science fiction that deals with death, politics, love and loss. The author, Joe Haldeman, draws on his experiences of the Vietnam War and how soldiers cope with re-entering society - you feel William’s pain and solitude as he struggles to acclimatise to mankind’s cultural evolution. The imagining of future technology is also realistic and believable.

High Noon (1952) and Shane (1953) used their settings to tell us about the human condition, and The Searchers (1956) turned John Wayne into a statement about tolerance (this is clearly not easy). By the time of Unforgiven (1992), the whole western myth had been taken apart to show the decidedly unglamorous side of being a bounty hunter.

Andy Naylor

My first thought when I finished reading it was “Why isn’t this a movie?!” After some brief research it seems it soon will be. With Ridley Scott in the director’s chair. I’m salivating already. The Forever Man is available on Amazon for around a fiver.

Martin Cordiner

It might be the setting. Put characters in a time when laws were more flexible and you get the chance to see their souls in the things they do. Moral compasses become hazy, personal deeds more important. And that’s where fascinating characters are born. And Alien (1979) is really just a western in space, with an alien for a bounty hunter. Discuss.

www.THECalmzone.net

23


OBsessed

t’s Wha ? your on obsessi

TV Andy Naylor

www.apolloefc.blogspot.com www.twitter.com/anaylorefc What’s the best football show? Sky’s Super Sunday? Match of the Day? No, neither. In fact it’s a programme that doesn’t even show live football. It’s Soccer Saturday hosted by Jeff Stelling. And dear sweet Lord, is it addictive! If someone said to me that there would be a TV programme with 4 men watching football and telling everyone what’s happening I would have laughed in their faces until I puked then told them not to be so ridiculous. But Soccer Saturday has become part of my weekend ritual. The biggest draw is the extremely likeable and enthusiastic Sir Jeff of Stelling (come on Queenie, make it official). This man is an absolute pleasure to watch. His obvious love of football is captivating. The endless barrage of Grandad-style jokes is matched only by the joy when his beloved Hartlepool United score. More so when one James Brown nets and he sings and dances to his own version of “I Feel Good” (for a full 20 seconds, people).

24 Reset   January 2010

olute is an abs This man to watch pleasure

Unlike other poor impersonations of the show (BBC’s Final Score with the massively patronising Garth Crooks) it’s clear that every pundit is part of a close knit team. The masses of joking, teasing and mocking that goes on is great fun. Search for “Phil Thompson, Barnsley” on Youtube to see the torment Phil Thompson is subjected to when Liverpool concede. For years we had to put up with the over opinionated Rodney Marsh (who got himself sacked for some rather tasteless jokes about the Asian Tsunami) and George Best (who may not have been the world’s greatest role model, footballing aside), but they’ve got the team right now. Veterans like Alan McInally and the ever excitable Chris Kamara are mixed in beautifully with the newer likes of Matt Le Tissier and Paul Merson. As with the host, their love of football is engaging. It might be a cushy job, but they all clearly love it. So when Saturday comes and you’re a touch ill from a few too many, lay your weary head on the couch, turn on Sky Sports and tuck in.


AD


OBsessed

gaming Andy Naylor

With awesome broadband speeds pulsating through the cities of the world, online gaming is growing. Gone are the days when you needed a high spec (and cripplingly expensive) gaming PC to play online. Now a (relatively) cheap console, a broadband connection and your favourite game are enough, and developers have started to embrace these possibilities. SCEE’s massively popular platformer, LittleBigPlanet, is a good game in its own right, but by combining downloadable user created content with SCEE’s own downloadable content its longevity becomes nearly infinite! Especially as there are a staggering 3 million user created levels available! First Person Shooters are the core of online games. Games like Call of Duty (Activision) and Battlefield (EA) attract thousands of players on a daily basis, some putting in hundreds of hours a month. And with that amount of dedication things can quickly become stale, but not with downloadable map packs! Take Battlefield: Bad Company 2 (EA). Dice have released a new map pack

26 Reset   January 2010

Developers have started to embrace these possibilities (with new levels and terrain) for online gaming roughly on a monthly basis, which keeps it fresh and challenging for all players. Unfortunately, we also have the exploitative cash-ins. They add nothing to your gaming experience but severely dent your bank account. I absolutely love the Mass Effect series, but the downloadable content (levels, weapons, armour) is as much fun as licking piss off a nettle. I found the levels dull and repetitive and whilst playing them my mind wandered to other, more fun pursuits like slowly gnawing away my own digits so they could never be punished by such bloody awfulness again. So, before buying additional content for games you might want to think about what game you’re buying it for and when possible, read other players’ feedback on it. What are your experiences? Get in touch.

What music, film, books or games are you excited about right now? Tell us at www.thecalmzone.net


.. . o t w Ho ome becJ aD

Scahill Jamie

to any Ministry Win 2 VIP tickets – just go to of Sound night ions ne.net/competit www.thecalmzo

Gone are the days when you could send a tape or CD to a club owner and they would invite you to play that Saturday night (possible but very rare in 2010). So here’s a few suggestions that might just help. Get your mates on board.

They are your best marketing tool. If they like your mixes then get them to spread the word. Get to know your local promoter.

DJ Yousef: “The best way to get the attention of promoters is to help them out, whether by helping them set up or by being on stand-by to fill in as a DJ, and then once you’ve got your foot in the door, give them your mixes and tracks.” Offer a unique selling point.

How will you make people remember you? Sonny Wharton: “If you can offer something a bit different (but still accessible) to every other DJ then you’ve got a stronger chance of standing out!”

Offer to DJ for free at local bars.

This is where promoters and other DJs go out. Sonny Wharton: “Learn to produce music and get your sound out there - this will build your name and lead to a demand for you to play gigs.” Nick Wilson, Ministry of Sound Promotions Manager: “We look for someone who recognises how to play what a crowd wants at the right time. We’ll ease in new talent on opening slots, so it’s important they know how to warm a crowd up, gently building the vibe for the next DJ, keeping away from the big and obvious tunes and slowly upping it.” Network, online & offline.

Use forums & blogs, the places where people like you go to talk music, find a record shop (there are still some out there, honest) and mingle with other DJs, label owners and staff and start a fan page on Facebook, making it yours by uploading mixes and starting the chat about you. Believe in yourself and practice.

Keep getting better and keep getting out there.

Jamie did his first paying DJ gig at the Bowlers in 1990 Today he runs Manchester’s longest running club night Funkademia. www.THECalmzone.net

27


join

in

HOW YOU CAN HELP

The Campaign Against Living Miserably is a registered charity set up in response to the high suicide rate among young men. We offer support, advice and information to men 15-35 who are down or depressed, via our website and 4-day-a-week helpline. As young men are rarely cute or cuddly, and score zero on the tick box list of worthy causes, raising funds for our helpline is a challenge. Do join us.

1 2 3

YOUR MISSION

(Should you choose to accept it) is to, say, build a spaceship for us. We’ll be cadging gear off cool sponsors to support Missions for you to undertake and we’ll want blow by blow commentary, and pics on progress. CELEBRATE YOUR OBSESSION

Have you got the world’s best TNG collection? Into snakes? Postage stamps, sheds? This isn’t SAD, its BEING A GUY. So let’s slap it up in cyberspace as part of the campaign against living miserably. AND YOUR HERO Make famous your hero; who really made an impact on your life? JOIN THE ARMY

Or campaign, so to speak. Sign the MANifesto on our homepage, and let’s change the world. Or move the axis that couple of degrees so we get a better tan.

28 Reset   January 2010

4 5 GET LAID

And fit. Run for CALM. All those practice runs gets the serotonin levels up and develops muscle tone which can do wonders for your sex life. And help us keep our phonelines going so we can help more young men who’ve hit that wall. Win:win. We’ve places in the London and Manchester 10K, the London Half Marathon and the London Marathon. But not for long... GET STUFF

Competitions – win a night at the Ministry of Sound or grab some essentials at Topman. Enter now, whilst you’re sat there watching gf try on her nth identical black dress.

Tippy tap your way to where yo u’ll find lo www.thecalmz one.net nger artic stuff whic les h does yo ur head in , help on features and , ra rant. The reviews and load ndom s of space best stuff to squished w into the n ill get cut to size to be ext RESE T mag.


s n o i t i t e p m Co

e stuff? fantastic fre e m so t n a t, s, you! W ouse Projec Hey, you! Ye man, Wareh p To f o , n sy a e rt M u Only if it’s co au5, you say? and Deadm d n u So f o y Ministr ky guy. s to get you’re a luc competition t/ e .n e n zo w.thecalm Head to ww elow. any of the b your mitts on

r the winter a new look fo Do you need ping spree ve a £200 shop Answer ha e W s? th mon away. opman to give courtesy of T d be yours. ul co it d an n an easy questio .com www.topman

Ministr y of Sound celebrated its 19th birthday this year and is firm ly cemented into the minds of worldwide clubbers. What started in an old bus gar age now hosts some of the biggest par ties in the capital. We have two VIP passes for any Ministr y of Sound club night (excep t NYE)

For more information go to www.ministryofsound.com

The Warehouse pr oject started life in 2005 in a disused brewer y in Manchester, its home is now unde r Piccadilly Station and as they say ‘For twelv e weeks, this city is ours…’ We have a pair of tic kets for New Years Day at the Warehouse Pr oject with Dubfire, Derrick Carter, Jam ie Jones & many m ore. For more informati on go to www.thewarehou seproject.com

being Joel Zimmerman doesn’t like ce dan ld r-o yea 28e Th called a DJ. Toronto, better from n eno nom phe sic mu his eyes at known as Deadmau5, rolls closer to are s set His . tion the descrip tour in on s he’ live performances and ets to tick two e hav we December and nchester Ma in ys pla he en wh y give awa and London. www.deadmau5.com

Enter all competitions at ww w.thecalmzone.net/competit ions The closing date for all com petitions is midnight on Mo nday 30th November 201 0 www.THECalmzone.net

29


Dear Dan le Sacobius Scro Pip

Do it your way

Hello there, welcome to the RESET’s agony aunt section, and yes, you are right, we don’t look like anyone’s aunt, unless your aunt is particularly hairy and masculine. Under qualified, you say? Too unwieldy a name to attach the “Dear” prefix? Ignore all that and just let us get on with it, okay?! I’m having a tough time at university. I feel like I don’t know why I’m here and I miss my mates from school. I’m a bit homesick and just don’t feel excited about life. What can I do?

D Hey, life is about happiness. The question

D For me the first year at uni was horrid - you

I broke my leg last week and now I’m off work for weeks. I’ve got loads of time on my hands. Any suggestions?

can so easily feel isolated if you let yourself. I found getting a part-time job helped massively, and strangely the friends I made working are still with me now, unlike my uni friends. Bloody students.

I’m 24 and I’m gay. I’ve known for a while but I haven’t ever been able to tell my friends or my parents. I feel like I’m living a lie, but I don’t know how they’ll take it. How do I tell them that I’m still me? S We often have a strange inclination to want to hold on to all of our friends. Sadly, as we grow up, we can grow apart. If those people can’t accept you for who you are then there are plenty of people who will. Hopefully your family will see that you are who you are. It may take them some time, but you have to be true to yourself.

30 Reset   January 2010

here is whether you value your happiness over your friends? If you lose a few friends because you’re gay then were they friends worth keeping?

D Porn, crisps, books, music, pizza, porn,

Playstation - in that order. But seriously just make sure you’re keeping up with friends and family. Don’t isolate yourself just because you can’t get out, get on the blower!

S Yes indeed. There are also loads of

different avenues for inspiration. As unreliable as Wikipedia is, it can be a good jumping off point as it will often send you off on an unexpected tangent. Or just stick with the porn. www.myspace.com/lesacvspip twitter.com/danlesac twitter.com/scroobiuspipyo

Got a problem that only Dan and Scroobius can solve? Or just wanna know what they’d say about it? Ask your question at www.thecalmzone.net



Reset Magazine - Issue 1