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BAKER AND KELLY UNITED 98/99 SEASON The all virtual Baker and Kelly United show

THE ENDLESS JOY OF FOOTBALLERS WHO LOOK LIKE “THINGS” Another hardy B&K perennial this… Footballers who just happen to look like non-human things. Thanks to an anonymous donor for this very fine effort…

BINGO MASTERS BREAKOUT! (ONE FOR THE TEENAGERS THERE) 25 SEPTEMBER 98 LIGHT-FINGERED KEEPERS Thanks to Cory for this story about a footballer who found a novel way to supplement his no doubt meagre income…

We were asking for unlikely sightings of all your top footballing personalities, when along came… To The Two Danny’s, As is common knowledge down south, a very keen participant in the little old ladies game of bingo is none other than England’s Showhorse MATTHEW LE TISSIER. He has often confessed in interviews to enjoying the game as it helps him to relax and he can still be seen in bingo halls around the area - FACT! Congrats on a brilliant show, Oliver Atkinson Ringwood, The New Forest. Why is it that the idea of Matt playing bingo seems so natural? Any other snatched glimpses of footballers in unusual circs? In other words... Any more Spies? Send them to baker&kelly@football365.co.uk _____________________________________________________________ 26 NOVEMBER 98

So that’s the Kidderminster keeper and John “Budgie” Burridge who’ve had their collars felt in recent times. Any more goalies who’ve come a cropper with Plod, either now or in the past? Even if it’s only the custodian for your local Sunday XI, we need to build a register of klepto keepers, nicked number 1s and gaoled goalies. Usual address to squeal on your last line of defence… baker&kelly@football365.co.uk ERM… KNOB! The boy Kelly has printed this picture before on one of his seemingly endless media outlets. However, we are indebted to, erm, whoever reminded us about the existence of this picture…

Nyum, nyum, nyum...... It’s been in the doldrums almost as long as Manchester City - but Baker and Kelly United is finally back online. Talk Radio’s premier football phone-in (Saturdays from 11.30am to 1pm and 5.30pm to 7.30pm, 1053 and 1089 AM) will, via the net, keep you in touch with the show. Included will be the best letters, faxes and E-mails, as well as a roundup of the calls. And you’ll also get to see those pictures that would even bring a smile to Kenny Dalglish’s face. But we need your contributions as well. E-mail words, pictures, and soundbytes to: bakerandkelly@football365.co.uk Or telephone: 0500 10 53 89 Fax us stuff on: 0541 59 69 79 Alternatively, you can post items to: Baker and Kelly United, Talk Radio, 76 Oxford Street, London, W1N OTR Fabio and Grooverider are waiting to hear from you. LETTERS BELLOTTI BLUES Dear Dannys, I did work experience at Brighton a couple of years ago. I didn’t know at the time that the entire town was at war with David Bellotti, the man who ran the club and sold it to a property developer.

And of course, if you have any pictures of footballers’ genitalia, or stories about footballers that include the words “and, do you know, he was bollock naked!!” then we want to hear from you at baker&kelly@football365.co.uk

I was sent by the job centre to work in the club’s offices and answer the phones. Mr Bellotti used to refuse to take calls from fans because they used to abuse him. We had to put anyone who called on hold, then check with him if he would take the call. Some people did manage to get through by pretending to be from the FA. We soon knew if he’d been abused because he would storm out of his office shouting and screaming abuse to anyone who would listen about the fans being “bloody hooligans”. Things got so bad that he even had a small office built next to the boardroom to which only he had the keys so that he could lock himself


in, just in case the fans got through security on match days. After games, the only way he could leave the ground was in the Securicor van taking the gate money to the bank.

But such genius did not seem to be working, and it took until November for City to win their first game of the season.

I left there after a big row with Bellotti, who accused me of leaking his holiday address to supporters after returning from a vacation.

So he enlisted the services of his wife, who would join in the sessions by saying: ‘Come on, do as Alan tells you’.

Apparently, he and his wife were pestered at all hours of the night at a flash hotel in Antigua.

Such techniques did not endear him to the players, one of whom responded by saying: ‘If he tells me about the World Cup in 1966 once more, I’ll stick that medal up his a*******.

Joanne Browne of Hove Surprisingly, City were relegated under Ball - stop laughing Portsmouth fans, it can and will happen to you. TEACHING BIG JACK Dear Dannys, My grandfather was always eager to please so knowing that I worshiped Colin Bell, he told me that we were related. It was along the lines of my grandfather’s second cousin being married to Bell’s sister-in-law. Another story he told me involved my great Aunt Peggy.

While sitting in, to quote Regi Blinker, our ‘dirty student home’, my mate and I decided that we were sick of eating supermarket extra-value products (£1 for 20 burgers) and would write letters to various food producers. However, we received only one letter - from the good people at Campbell’s, who produce the high quality Fray Bentos oven pies. They enclosed vouchers to the value of, er, £3, so I would recommend that if anyone needs ‘any more pies’, they should write to Campbell’s immediately.

According to him, it was her who taught the young Charlton brothers how to play football.

Neil Warburton of Liverpool

There was even a hint that big Jack wasn’t solely responsible for developing the near-post flick-on.

CAUGHT SHORT

Richard Carr of Peterlee, County Durham

Dear Dannys,

ALL SOUNDS DUTCH Dear Baker and Kelly, My Dutch relatives were watching football on TV and they would laugh when certain players were mentioned. Here is a list of English footballers and their Dutch meaning: Stan Collymore - means nothing but just sounds funny Julian Joachim - Julian ‘fish bait’ Simon Grayson - Simon ‘the clown’ Jeff Kenna - Jeff ‘slang for farting’ Eddie Youds - means nothing but sounds funny Clive Mendonca - Clive ‘undertaker’ Carl Tiler - Carl ‘pubic hair’ Rory Delap - Rory ‘poor pint of beer’ Danny Cadamarteri - means nothing but just sounds funny David Wetherall - David ‘star gazer’ Muzzy Izzet - Muzzy ‘bed mattress’ Steve Guppy - steve ‘smoked fish’ Robert Ullathorne - means nothing just sounds funny Steve McManaman - means nothing just sounds funny Jamie Redknapp - Jamie ‘sore penis’ Denis Irwin - Denis ‘rodent’ Marlon Beresford - Marlon ‘town crier’ Alan Shearer - Alan ‘wooly jumper’ Scot Gemmill - Scot ‘drink-driver’ Andy Hinchcliffe - means nothing just sounds funny Matt Le Tissier - Matt ‘the cucumber seller’ Francis Benali - Francis ‘tea-time’ Ruel Fox - Ruel ‘strong cheese’ Rio Ferdinand - Rio ‘bad hairdresser’ Ben Thatcher - Ben ‘sleep-walker’ Ken Cunningham - means nothing just sounds funny

Jed, our goalkeeper at Carlton FC, has a bit of bother with his bladder and whenever we play he always takes along one of those portable urinals and puts it behind the goal in case he gets caught short during the game. Last Sunday, when play was at the far end, Jed took the opportunity to relieve himself in his handy portable pisspot. The last thing he expected was a David Beckham-style lob from all of 45 yards by the opposition’s centre half. We were then treated to the grotesque spectacle of Jed flapping at the ball with one hand while trying to control the gentleman’s travel toilet with the other. He did manage to save the shot - but endured a warm shower in the process. Max Hawleigh of Tysemhall, Notts STAN’S NOT MY MAN Dear Dannys, I do believe you will be pleased to know I have now started a second wall devoted to Aston Villa’s Stan Collymore. I trust you will have received the photographs of the first wall that I sent a month ago. Now I’ve sent you some more. It angers me that the tugboat is finding form and that he is forging a strong partnership with Dion Dublin. Manager John Gregory should punish him for all the bad things he has done and keep him in the reserves for the remainder of his five-year contract. John Keen of Newton Abbot PS I am going to Birmingham next month PPS Look out for my new website just after Christmas E-MAILS REFEREE ON ACID Dear Dannys,

Ronald Ho-a-Hing BALL’S TRAINING METHODS

After listening to your show last Saturday, you mentioned a great story about the impromptu game of footy between the acid-heads and vodka drinkers, and this reminded me of the cutting I had involving a referee on acid.

Ahoyhoy Fabio and Grooverider, A year last summer I was doing work experience at the Manchester Evening News and during my time there I uncovered the following details about former England midfielder and ginger-haired tugboat Alan Ball, who was then manager of Manchester City. During training sessions, Ball would sit on a Blackpool-style deckchair on the side of the pitch with a megaphone. Through said megaphone he would scream such encouraging words as ‘You’re tugboating crap’ and ‘You’re not as tugboating good as me’.

Unfortunately, I’m unable to source the exact copy, but the following was taken from ‘The Onion Bag’ magazine a few years ago: By the time Braddon Cross Swifts’ opening Devon & Exeter conference game in August 1969 was an hour old, more spectators were lining the touchline than anyone could remember. Monkseaton Argyle were the visitors, but what had attracted the Common’s sun-bathers, lovers and frisbee-throwers to the match was the antics of the referee, Kevin Duncan. He’d seemed no more than a little distracted towards the end of the


first half, and no-one thought much of it. But during the break, his linesmen exchanged anxious glances as he carefully arranged his orange quarters on the pitch, lay on his stomach a foot or so away and, with his chin on the turf, giggled hysterically, pointed and shouted: “Dancing Men! Dancing men! Look! Look! Little orange men that dance!” The linesmen eventually persuaded him to restart the game, though he was reluctant to part with the ball. He kept running his fingers over it, sniffing it and saying, “It’s soap, isn’t it? It’s a big bar of soap.” For the next 15 minutes, in between randomly blowing his whistle for seconds on end, he refused to run into the centre circle and physically stopped others from doing so, telling them to “Watch out for the big antelopes”. His linesmen eventually abandoned the game just after the hour, as he tore up and down the pitch, ripping his kit off, slapping his arms and legs, screaming: “Get them off me! They’re eating me!” At this point, two sheepish Swifts, the Trevarren brothers, helped him from the pitch, saying they knew what was wrong and that they’d look after him. They’d spiked his pre-match Tizer with acid and now they felt guilty. Duncan was fine by the next day and remembered little. The Trevarrens each got two years’ probation and a life ban from the Devon & Exeter Conference. I’m sure this is kosher, I haven’t the imagination to make up such a story. Steve Cooksley REF SENDS OFF BROTHER

The football club had to raise funds for the payment of referees, balls for training and matches. Darren, who was also the signatory on the club’s cheque book, had sole control of the finances. Darren was also a referee, which he often did instead of playing. He was paid for this role. Darren was also very keen on collecting fines for dirty boots. Everybody liked Darren - he was fun and very generous in the bar. The season finished and the college was very successful that year, reaching three cup finals and in total all three teams each played in the region of 60 matches. Darren graduated that year and disappeared shortly before the end of the term. The Student Union, when auditing the acounts, noticed that they had NO details of the college football club’s accounts and could not contact Darren to get them and the cheque book. Darren had disappeared to America. He was there for about five weeks when the Student Union found out his whereabouts. Darren had run out of cash and tried to use the football club cheque book to pay for hotel accommodation. The hotel tried to cash the cheque a few days after Darren had left and it was not valid. Darren, before he had gone to America, cleared the account of all its funds to pay for his holiday. The next season, Darren’s mate became captain of the club and after a few weeks into the season we uncovered the new non-student manager - Darren.

Dear Dannys, Mr. Baker asked for stories on a referee doing a game in which his brother was playing. I watched a game involving two brothers - one playing, one reffing. Both were aged over 35, which will become clearer later. When brother one committed a foul and proceeded to walk away, brother two called him over to book him. ”Give me your name,” asked the ref to his brother. “What?,” came the reply. ”Give me your name,” replied the ref. “Tugboat off,” was the response. ”If you don’t give me your name I am going to send you off,” said the ref. ”Tugboat off, you know my name,” replied the player. ”This is the last time I will ask you for your name,” stormed the ref. When his brother responded: “I am not telling you, you already tugboat know it,” the ref’s response was to show him a second yellow card and send him off.

As manager of the club, he organised a Christmas tour to Amsterdam and we all paid him our cash to go on this trip, which included money to pay for the hire of pitches in Holland. We duly coughed up and went on the trip but when we arrived Darren dreamt up a story that all matches were called off - and we lost our money. This story was wearing a bit thin and when the Student Union stepped in Darren quietly disappeared from the scene. The next week we heard Darren had taken over a local Sunday pub team. They had a brief period of prosperity, when suddenly Darren disappeared. This time, he had taken the Christmas club savings, the kits, balls and nets. Nobody heard from Darren for a few months but then a player from the college Ist XI, who had signed for a Thursday afternoon team, travelled to a nearby prison for a charity cup match. Amazingly, there was Darren reffing the match. The player made himself known to Darren and he realised that Darren must be an inmate which it turned out he was. It transpired that Darren had been convicted of fraud. He became just as popular on the ‘inside’ and was given the opportunity to ref matches and coach the prison team. But nobody has heard from Darren since... STRANGE FOOTBALL INJURIES Dear Dannys,

As the player stormed off the field, he roared to his brother: “I’m going to tell me ma on you.”

Seven years ago,our local sunday team F.C.Olympic of Draycott in Derbyshire, went on a tour to Breda in Holland.

Gareth O’Kane PLAYER WHO POCKETED SUBS

After a long crossing on the ferry, where as expected much alcohol was consumed, we eventually managed to round up all the players and put them on the bus for a two-hour journey to our hotel.

Paul Reeve is not the only person searching for ‘Darren’. Read on to find out why....

We arrived at our hotel at midday and, due to the previous night’s activities, the last thing we wanted to do was to play football.

Darren was a student at a P.E. specialist college in the Midlands. I was also a student at this College and we both played in the same football team. Darren was the treasurer of the college football teams and one of his jobs was to collect match fees (£2.50 per head) from the captains of each of the THREE teams. Every Wednesday evening, after the games, Darren met up with the captains and collected all subs before putting them into his wax jacket pocket.

But we only had one hour to get ready before we set off for our first match. We told the players to relax, and meet in reception at 1pm.

We assumed that this money was going to be used towards the payment of refs and pitches.

His todger got caught and as he tried to pull it out, he tore it. We all had a good look.

Unknown to most of the students, the Students Union organised the payment of transport, kit and pitches.

It looked like it had been shredded with a cheese grator and because he dare not go to the hospital, he bandaged it up.

Some of the players decided to go for a swim in the heated indoor pool of the hotel, but none had brought any swimming trunks with them so they went in naked. Our star striker, for some unknown reason, decided to put his todger in a suction hole under the water.


He was in agony. Alas to say he was out of the afternoon’s game, and we lost 3-1 to an Over-35s team. It could of all been so different if hed taken his trunks with him. Steve Hulse JUST DESSERTS

....he lay on the beach and people ran around yelling: “free Willy” ....when you get on top of him, your ears pop ....when he has sex, he has to give directions ....he goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says: “okay” ....when he wears a yellow raincoat, people shout “taxi” ....he had to go to Sea World to get baptised ....he has to iron his pants on the driveway ....he put on his lipstick with a paint-roller Adam

Dear Dannys, THE SHOW You were talking about referees sending players off before or after a game had started. This is a bit of a variation on the theme, but involves a ref stopping a player from playing 20 hours before kick-off! The story begins with my friend Dan, who had been seeing a girl (strangely called Joanne) for about two weeks. They were at our local one Friday night with me and the other lads in our football team. At about 9.30pm, a rather burly-looking bloke walked in with about three or four of his mates. Jo suddenly became very sheepish - this man was her fiancee and he walked over to our table and asked Jo what she was doing in the said public house. When she explained that she didn’t want to get married, he hit the roof and him and his mates began laying into Dan. We obviously aided Dan in his battle against this man, but Dan was, unfortunately, quite badly injured. We were duly all kicked out of the pub. The next day was Saturday and we were meant to be playing a cup tie. As we were putting up the goals, who should we see dressed in black with two yellow and red flags? It was Dan’s assailant from the previous evening! Needless to say, the ref (Mr. Ian Ascough) came in for quite a lot of stick during the game and ended up calling the AA after his tyres were let down and his windscreen smashed. John Hare ANY MORE.... Dear Fabio and Grooverider,

JO’S BEEN DUMPED YET GETS £5,000?, ONION BHAJI, TOWN TATTOO PLUS MORE Meatball soup wins the ball off onion bhaji and sprays a lovely ball out wide to chicken satay, who bursts forward and is confronted by vegetable thali. He skips past him with ease and presents sesame prawns with a chance to score the opening goal. But mixed starters thwarts him with a tremendous save. Confused? This was the result when Stuart from Worthing related the squad numbers on the back of Tottenham and Arsenal shirts to their relevant dish in two menus taken from a Chinese and Indian restaurant. Three Sunday league players are in hot demand - by Social Services. The trio did not want their team’s line-up to appear in a local newspaper as they were all claiming invalidity benefit, according to John from Milton Keynes. Those who were at Wembley to watch England tackle the Czechs included Emma, the Norwich-based Ipswich fan who was at her first international, some American tourists and Luke, who was only at the game because he was dishing up hamburgers at one of the stalls on Wembley Way. Emma is planning to get a tattoo of the Suffolk Punch, the animal on her fave club’s crest. Colin was distraught when Chelsea’s Dennis Wise and Steve Clarke failed to turn up at special event in a Slough pub. He was even more gutted to find out their replacement was Robert Fleck. The three seats next to Ian, a season ticket holder at Everton, have always remained empty until well after kick-off. The incumbents then arrive before disappearing at half-time never to return. Lee rang up with a similar tale. Two seats at Tottenham (in block 26 row 6) were always vacant for home games - but for that afternoon’s match against Nott’m Forest they were filled. Joanne has been dumped by beau #1. But she’s not too bothered, having pocketed £5,000 from the sale of some saucy photographs of a football club boss. And she’s planning a trip to the continent after being invited by beau #2 to join him as he speaks to another club.

I would like to bring to your attention a number of ‘any more pies’ we have been working on .... PICTURES Bart Simpson, any more lines Spiders webs, any more flies Jimmy Hill, any more flag bow-ties Spiders, any more eyes Tiger Woods, any more drives Bill Clinton, any more lies Cats, any more lives Kenny Dalglish, any more crap buys Drugs, any more highs Joanne, any more rides Bordeaux, any more wines Michael Owen, any more dives Motorways, any more signs Grim Reapers, any more scythes Monica Seles, any more knives 70s Discos, any more jives Jamie Camble, Brett Allen and Daniel Bolderston LARRY LLOYD’S SO FAT.... ....when his beeper goes off, people thought he was backing up ....we’re in him right now ....people jog around him for exercise ....he went to the movies and sat next to everyone ....he has been declared a natural habitat for condors ....you have to roll over twice to get off him ....he was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed him for the new world

KILLED WHILE PLAYING FOOTBALL Dave Murphy from Hull sent this picture from a newspaper which clearly shows that football is bad for your health. Helmer Pacho Herrera’s body lies in a hospital morgue after he was killed while playing football. A well-dressed man embraced the drug-trafficker - and then shot him six times in the head. If you have any unusual pictures of footballers, send them to bakerandkelly@football365.co.uk.


SIR BOBBY’S HAIR-RAISING OUTFIT

(Izzy) was tackled by a huge fella and one of the bones in his lower leg snapped. At this point everyone, bar two, ran to Izzy to see what they could do. I was sent to phone for an ambulance, but when I turned around I saw Mike and Paul punching the tugboat out of each other. When the ambulance finally came, Izzy was close to unconsciousness and Mike and Paul needed hospital treatment too. The duo have consequently been banned from playing university football for life, which has given me the chance to get in the team! Steve of Hertforshire EASY TO GET IN Dear Dannys, The easiest ground to get into is QPR’s. In 1985, their stadium was used to stage the boxing title match between Irishman Barry McGuigan and Eusebio Pedroza.

Mark Ravenscroft spotted this advert for a book about North American Indians. This is one of the “spectacularly illustrated photographs” in the publication. And doesn’t he look just like Sir Bobby Charlton. DANNYS SHOW US THEIR POUCHES

Three friends and I were unable to get in as the fight was a total sell-out so we walked up Bloemfontein Road and each picked up a heavy duty electricity cable from an excavation from the side of the road before heading back. We headed for a large door and the leading man said to a harassed steward: “Hurry up mate. We’re from the TV company and we’re late.” “In you go,” came the reply. And so we entered the stadium, dropped the cables on the floor and went off to find a seat. Lance YOU’RE SO FAT Dear Dannys, I tuned into your hilarious show by accident. But I’ve already grasped the format - humiliation and gossip while trying to avoid the libel laws. I’ve got a new category - the world’s cruellest crowd. In the 83/84 season, I was studying in Leeds and madly in love with a fellow student who was gorgeous. I would do anything for him and my ultimate sacrifice was going to a Leeds United home game. Looking back, I can see that my hunk took me to Elland Road as a sign of his affection. Personally, I’d rather stick needles in my eyes than watch football. In the pre-Woolfie days, the most awful marching band ever provided match entertainment at Elland Road. These people were “performing” for the love of it - true amateurs. And the crowd was showing its appreciation by booing in a very disorganised way. Suddenly, 30,000 fans turned on a girl my father would describe as “sturdy” and sung: “You’re so fat it’s unbelievable”. This child had to walk around the touchline playing her triangle while listening to this.

Richard Morgan sent us this picture of the two Dannys wearing nothing more than a pair of tight white underpants.

Bridget Jones SO SLEEPY IN MIDFIELD

_____________________________________________________________ Dear Dannys, 01 DECEMBER 1998

I’ve matched squad numbers with album track lists:

PITCH BATTLE

SPURS (One Head, Two Arms, Two Legs - Dawn Of The Replicants)

Hello Danny and Danny,

1) WALKER (Cocaine On The Catwalk) 2) CARR (Candlefire) 3) TRAMMEZZANI (Ten Sea Birds) 4) BERTI (Lisa Box) 5) CALDERWOOD (Return Of Board Game) 6) NIELSEN (Windy Miller) 7) FOX (Radars) 8) SAIB (So Sleepy) 9) ANDERTON (Let Them Eat Coal) 10) FERDINAND (Sgt. Crowley) 11) ARMSTRONG (Hogwash Farm) 12) EDINBURGH (Sleepy Spiders) 13) BAARDSEN (Float On A Raft) 14) GINOLA (Mary Louise) 15) VEGA (Fatal Firework)

Seven weeks into the first term, the number of injuries in the university teams were beginning to build up and the 5th XI were desperately short of players. So I volunteered my services and was told I would go straight into the team. But on the day it turned out we had 13 players and I was picked as sub and, as is tradition, forced to run up and down the line as an assistant referee. On arrival I’d noticed that two of our players were hurling insults at each other in the changing room. When I asked what was going on, I was told that in a pub on the previous Wednesday, after a glorious victory, player one (Mike) had slept with the girlfriend of player two (Paul). The game started and both players, who were at right wing and left back carried on with their bickering. The team went 1-0 and then 2-0 down. The second goal greeted with cries of “you’re all crap, especially you Mike” from Paul. I was still running the line at this point, and was really enjoying the whole spectacle. Deep into the second half, one of our better players


MANCHESTER UNITED (Pet Sounds - The Beach Boys) Richard Bond of Manchester 1) SCHMEICHEL (Wouldn’t It Be Nice) 2) NEVILLE G (You Still Believe In Me) 3) IRWIN (That’s Not Me) 4) MAY (Don’t Talk) 5) JOHNSEN (I’m Waiting For The Day) 6) STAM (Let’s Go Away For A While) 7) BECKHAM (Sloop John B) 8) BUTT (God Only Knows) 10) SHERINGHAM (Here Today) 11) GIGGS (I Just Wasn’t Made For These Times) 12) NEVILLE P (Pet Sounds) 13) CURTIS (Caroline No) 14) CRUYFF (Unreleased Backgrounds) 15) BLOMQVIST (Hang On To Your Ego) 16) KEANE (Trombone Dixie) Stuart Aspinall of Wigan SPURS SKIPPERED BY £3M WILLY OP CLAIM Dear Dannys, I’ve matched headlines from the Sun and the Guardian with squad numbers of players in the recent Spurs v Nott’m Forest match: SPURS 13) BAARDSEN (Is This the Saddest Man In Showbiz?) 2) CARR (VB-Day) 23) CAMPBELL (£3m Willy Op Claim) 17) SCALES (Worst Mum In The World) 12) EDINBURGH (Tortoise Lords It At 186) 9) ANDERTON (Knife Nut Kills Carer At Hostel) 5) CALDERWOOD (Grievous Bodily Armful) 6) NIELSEN (Are Mobiles Scrambling Our Brains?) 14) GINOLA (The New Renault Kangoo, The Van That Can) 11) ARMSTRONG (Everyone’s Ken Now) 18) IVERSEN (Party Man Shot Dead In Street) NOTT’M FOREST 1) BEASANT (Case Of Ownership To Go Before US Judges) 5) CHETTLE (£3m Claim Over Penis Operation) 6) HJELDE (Test Case On Jail Condoms) 3) ROGERS (Ruined Church Was Snatched From Satan) 7) STONE (Hospital Inquiry Into Death Of Boy Who Was Sent Home) 15) ARMSTRONG (Atoll Do Nicely For Just £2,000) 8) GEMMIL (Every Seat, Every Flight, For Midweek Travel in January 1999) 4) QUASHIE (Currie Flays Troy Record Over ‘Classic Case For Compensation’) 11) BART WILLIAMS (A Rose By Any Other Name May Be A Whale) 14) FREEDMAN (Rail Strikes Against EU Policy Bring Traffic Chaos) 40) VAN HOOIJDONK (Theatre Seating And General Information)

NOT IN SAFE HANDS Dear Danny and Danny, Three short anecdotes that involve Sunday football, drink, drugs and murder. Some 25 years ago I was playing in the Blackpool and Fylde Sunday Alliance for a team called St. Anne’s Ex-Serviceman’s Club. We had an occasional 2nd XI keeper who was a heavy drinker and smoker and he always looked like he had a hangover. In one game, as we all ran out of the penalty box playing for offside, there he was on all fours throwing up last night’s intake of beer and curry by the goalpost. We had a right half who was a bit of a classy player. But he also enjoyed staying out late and would regularly turn up stoned for football. The stimulant was clearly performance enhancing as he always started the game well. But he looked visibly tired in the second half. The 1st XI had a goalkeeper and his boss used to pick him up for games. One Sunday morning, the manager turned up at the pick-up point to find a substantial police presence. A friendly copper explained that the custodian was “helping with enquiries”. It transpired that he and his wife had not been getting on too well and they’d both spent the night socialising at DIFFERENT venues. His wife returned home with another bloke and, after a heated discussion, it was agreed that the stranger could stay - as long as he slept on the sofa. Our keeper woke up in the middle of the night and found his wife missing from the marital bed. He did not have to travel too far to find her as she was, er, enjoying the company of the new house guest. The keeper retreated to the kitchen and grabbed a carving knife before chasing the stranger down the street. He inflicted fatal injuries while trying to cut off this man’s todger. Our keeper was charged with murder and was convicted of manslaughter. I don’t remember the result of the game that day. Name withheld SNOW STORM Nyum, nyum, nyum, You asked for stories involving fans influencing games. During the winter of the 90/91 season, Birmingham were playing at Exeter on a snow-covered pitch. The hosts were awarded a penalty in front of the open, snow-covered terrace where the Blues supporters stood. As the Exeter player stepped forward to take the spot-kick, he was bombarded with 1,000 snowballs. This put him off, he missed the penalty and Birmingham went on to win the match 2-0. Dean Lucas

Michael Stone I STILL HATE STAN OLD GITS CONVENTION Dear Fabio and Grooverider, Dear Dannys, Be afraid. Be very afraid. Masters League Football launched its first tournament in Manchester recently and, despite being an articulate fellow, I can find no words to describe the events that took place on a very bizarre grey-carpet pitch under very bright lights.

I am writing to you with joy in my heart. Stan is on his way out. He got sent off against my beloved Liverpool. I bought every newspaper under the sun in order to obtain clippings for my second Collymore wall.

Stuart Hall had to abandon his trademark crowd-pleasing patter through sheer embarrassment. The Flight Of The Valkeries echoed around a vastly empty auditorium as ex-pros dressed in vintage football strips acknowledged a smattering of polite applause that was emitted from a very embarrassed audience. My party left after an hour and three quarters, unable to face the torture of the full four hours.

After his successful revenge mission on Steve Harkness (one of my favourite players), he looks to be in much trouble.

The best game we saw was, er, Brookside v Coronation Street that featured only three recognisable actors from BOTH casts combined.

I have sent Mr Collymore a letter and I have written to his boss John Gregory, demanding he take strong action on this tugboat.

Tickets to this event were £10 with “special” tickets available at £15. Programmes were priced at £4. And the tournament heads for London on March 24, 1999. The FA (to give ex-pros the chance to earn after their careers have ended) backs it. The plan is to establish a regular league, designed to appeal to ice hockey and basketball fans. Publicising the event, former Manchester United star Ray Wilkins said: “I can see it being a big success.”

I will keep you informed of my plans. I should be up running on the Internet by the end of the week.

When I say trouble, I not only mean with the FA but also with me. He also assaulted Michael Owen, but this I didn’t mind so much as Owen is largely overrated and paid too much money.

John Keen (founder and leader of the Anti Stanley Collymore Society (ASCS)


E-MAILS

Dorma’, while a video showed Lineker’s goal in the 1990 World Cup.

ARE YOU BLIND REF?

Naturally, we took the tugboat out of the tugboat for weeks after this show of big-headedness which even left the other teachers openmouthed.

Dear Dannys, I spent the 80s at Wolverhampton Grammar School which was then a half-reputable independent school with dillusions of grandeur. Football matches were arranged against the major public schools (Eton, Harrow and some of their feeder prep schools) to maintain this air of self appointed elitism, and so it was quite relieving that during the second year our team manager was a socialist member of staff who looked like Eric Morecambe. His name was Tony Holdford, and whereas our opponents’ coaches would normally be done-out in the standard public school games teacher attire (one-hundred-wash faded navy-blue cotton tracksuit), it was not uncommon for Mr Holdford to grace the field to referee dressed in jeans, trainers and his Port Vale home shirt. Naturally eyebrows were continually raised from the opposition’s staff and parents. However, his sartorial statement did lead to us not taking him too seriously in other respects. A lad called Stoj was forever ribbing him one way or the other but on one occasion just as we were about to kick-off, Mr Holdford asked for the match ball as he was refereeing. Stoj had the ball in his hands, walked until he was about five yards away from Mr H and performed a kind of goal keeper’s kick straight into Mr Holdford’s face. He went down like the proverbial sack, his brown plastic Eric Morecambe style glasses broken perfectly into two pieces shattering the right side lens. He got up enraged, dusted himself down berating Stoj in front of 21 laughing teenagers and proceeded to referee the match just wearing one half of his glasses.

Martin Brown OUCH MY POUCH! Dear Dans, This rather sad tale concerns a boy I went to primary school with and the somewhat unusual injury he obtained via the goalposts on the school pitch. One afternoon after school, he was climbing on the goalposts. At this point he lost his balance. Rather than falling the seven feet or so on to the ground below, a fate far worse awaited him. The hook by which the nets were attached to the posts broke his fall, and he was left attached to it by his Brian Jacks. The emergency services were called to unattach him. Instead of a double-barrelled pistol, he now has a single shooter. CraigyBoy IN AGREEMENT Dear Mr Kelly, I agree with Danny B. Some rain sticks and some rain soaks. Mark Southon MISSING SEAT

Richy Hughes of Wolves Dear Dannys, CANARY CAPERS Dear Dannys,

I have a twist on the category of phantom seats - seats which are filled but don’t exist. At the Arsenal v Lens clash at Wembley, seat 208 in row 32 of block 115 did not exist.

In season 84/85, during Norwich’s heroic Milk Cup winning run which included beating Ipswich in the semi-finals - so stick that on your bonfire and smoke it Emma - the Canaries were drawn away to Grimsby.

My friends and I had to squeeze up to compensate for the missing seat.

Norfolk County Council duly arranged a coach to go to this game and, despite heavy snow fall in North East England, the game went ahead. Norwich won 1-0, despite Chris Woods being subjected to an avalanche of snow balls from the good citizens of Cleethorpes, so spirits were high and much cold refreshment was taken by all and sundry. On the way home the inevitable happened and the coach stopped for a toilet break. A few miles down the road it was noticed that someone was missing so the coach turned round and returned to where the passenger had been left. All that could be found was a set of footprints in the snow.

IN A JAM

In the meantime, the missing passenger (Paul), had hitched a lift and managed to get to the outskirts of Norwich before the coach. But he needed to get back to the coach to pick up items such as his coat, keys and money.

Rick Baker

Dear Dannys, A new category - I never saw the end of the match. In the 60s, my father took me to see Sunderland in the then First Division. But ten to 15 minutes before the end of EVERY game he would announce: “better get going to beat the traffic, it’s a big one this week”. Invariably, as we left the ground, there would always be a roar as a goal was scored. In one game against West Ham we missed four goals - and we never beat the traffic. Barry Fox

Paul was dropped off near a pedestrian crossing and decided that he’d stop the traffic when he saw the coach coming down the road. But after stopping the WRONG coach three or four times, he was questioned by a policeman. While explaining to the copper his actions, Paul’s coach went by. This left him with a seven-mile hike home. Peter Kean-Cockburn of Norfolk County Council LINEKER OBSESSION Dear F & G, I thought I’d tell you about the new headteacher we had at Waseley Hills High School, Birmingham in 1993 - Mr D.C. Thurbon. Being new to the job, he was eager to impress us cynical older kids, so when he was forced to take an assembly (while the other teachers had a fag) he had some big plans. The assembly started, and he immediately gave us a recollection of the days when, as a PE teacher at a school in Leicester, he coached the then young Gary Lineker. Then, after the usual moralising, he wrapped up his ‘presentation’ by cranking up the record player to play ‘Nessum

BUG EYED Dear Dannys, A recent PC magazine cover disk had some free software going under the name of VoicePad. It’s one of those voice recognition things that translates your speech into typed text. It’s rubbish. Or maybe it has trouble with my accent. Anyway, having said “hello” into the microphone and exhausted my vocabulary of swear words, I found myself giving the names of footballers and team. Below is selection of the computer’s interpretations: Paul Gascoigne - goal asking Peter Schmeichel - pizza focal David Beckham - aided income Michael Owen - mogul going Eric Cantona - earth consumer Dion Dublin - film dumping Ronaldo - revolving Nicky Butt - making bucks Paul Merson - old mason


Jamie Redknapp - gain enough Bobby Charlton - faulty seldom Paulo Wanchope - follow wonderful Paul Ince - whole eighths

PICTURES BE AFRAID, COLLYMORE

Clubs Manchester United - largest 19 Derby County - down continue Arsenal - possible Tottenham Hotspur - thumb pasta Millwall - normal Charlton Athletic - seldom offensive Leicester City - crisp sickening Wimbledon - wounded West Ham United - was from 19th Aston Villa - asking vanilla Blackburn Rovers - vacuum rose Swindon Town - swimming from Bristol City - wasteful sickening

John Keen is the self-proclaimed founder and leader of the Anti Stanley Collymore Society. This picture is on one of two walls he has covered with anti-Collymore items.

Managers Terry Venables - cherry removes Alex Ferguson - addicts nation Glenn Hoddle - men focal Gianluca Vialli - seventh beyond George Graham - truth gram Kevin Keegan - canon keeping Arsene Wenger - awesome menu Gerard Houllier - job beauty Roy Evans - relief evidence

This is what John Keen, the founder and leader of the Anti Stanley Collymore Society, uses as his letterhead. DANNY KELLY’S SECRET REVEALED

Simon Moffatt of Swindon THE SHOW CHEERS GAZZA, JO’S BEAU SCORES, NORTHAMPTON PIG, NAKED FOOTBALL PLUS MORE Daniella has Gazza to thank for saving her relationship. The Middlesboro ace bumped into a distraught Daniella at Darlington train station. She had just had an argument with her boyfriend and the pair decided to split up. Down in the dumps, Daniella was left alone on the platform without any money. But enter our hero who cheered her up and got her on the train. Daniella’s boyfriend was waiting for her when she got and she explained who she’d met at Darlington. The boyfriend was now distraught - he’s a mad Boro fan. Jo is back at it - with beau #1 in a mystery location on the continent. “I did lots of shopping,” said Jo. But her affair is on the rocks.... beau #1 was annoyed that Jo kept ringing beau #3 who said there was a surprise waiting for Jo when she returned home.

Chris Hughes sent us this from the pages of The Guardian Weekend magazine. It’s not Danny Kelly but feature writer Susannah Barron. GAY ADVERT

Danny from Portsmouth sent us this advert from the Portsmouth News. _____________________________________________________________

beau #3 now has JOANNE sprawled across one of his, er, butt cheeks. Jo predicts there will soon be a beau #4. She remembered with fondness a three-in-a-bed-romp with beau #1 and #2.

07 DECEMBER 1998

A naked beau #1 jumped out of bed and decided to re-create a goal he scored at Wembley, while beau #2 did the crowd noises. Chelsea’s Casiraghi is the player Jo most fancies.

ARSENAL’S PORN STARS

An orange drink in a cardboard carton was taken off Rhys at the Everton turnstiles - but his mate got in with fireworks.

I have compared the Arsenal squad numbers to Maxim magazine’s catalogue of extreme pornography:

A big white stick was taken off Mike at Mansfield - but this was his blind stick.

1) David Seaman: Old And Young Do It Grandpa 2) Lee Dixon: Old And Young - Grandmother’s Day Out 3) Nigel Winterburn: Chessy Moore - Big Melon Pleasure 4) Patrick Vieira: Lesbian Sado Games 5) Steve Bould: Traiment De Choc 6) Tony Adams: Freak Scene 7) Nelson Vivas: Home Made - Belgian Master 8) Fredrik Ljungberg: Home Made - Pain, Humiliation, Worse 9) Nicholas Anelka: Home Made - Painful Afternoon 10) Dennis Bergkamp: Home Made - Fat Slave 11) Marc Overmars: Toy Teeny - Playground Girls 12) Christopher Wreh: Toy Teeny - Try Again 13) Martin Keown: Spanking Punishment - Don’t Hit My Feet 14) Ray Parlour: Joy Collection - Doctor My Ass Hurts

Pete spotted Tony Dorigo’s surname attached to the back of his Derby shirt with flesh-coloured plasters in a recent Premiership match. Peter Fox’s management style is very poor, judging by the information Rick divulged. Whenever City were the odd-goal up at home with around 20 minutes to go, Fox would tell all the ball boys to come off the pitch in a bid to try and kill time. Brian and his mates played football in the nude after getting tanked up before Newmarket races. They never made the race course, and ended up kicking a ball about on a green patch in the middle of a road. Mark managed to get a pig’s head into Northampton’s ground.

LETTERS

Dear Dannys,

Andy Jobbs of Crewkerne


FAT BOY, FAT BOY, FAT BOY Dear Danny and Danny, At Portsmouth during the mid-1980s, there would be a kids’ penalty shoot-out every half-time between six children from the visiting supporters and six children from Pompey, all aged about eight- or nineyears-old. For some reason, the Pompey children were the same six every single game, and the child wearing the number six shirt was incredibly overweight. Being number six, he was forever destined to take the final penalty. As the children were all very young and the goals were full size, all the spot-kicks would be scored until the final penalty from said No.6. The packed (pre-demolition) Fratton End would then start a continuous roar of “fat boy, fat boy, fat boy”, and poor number six would, without fail, send his kick wide. As Pompey’s season improved and promotion beckoned, so the attendance rose and this chant would grow louder and louder and our large friend’s fortnightly show would screw further and further wide.

18) Lampard - Mutant ‘X’ 29) Berkovic - Spider Girl 9) Kitson - Wolverine 10) Hartson - Spiderman Gary Oliver WHERE’S THE COMMENTARY? Ahoy-hoy Fabio and Grooverider,

KEOWN IS PSYCHO

A colleague recently recalled her first ever trip to a football match. Her only reference point to games was the TV. At the stadium, she settled down with her knitting but a few minutes after kick-off she was all confused. In an attempt to clear up her confusion, she turned to a friend and said: “When is the commentary going to start?” She was under the impression that there was commentary over the tannoy at every match, and that TV cameras observe all this and relay it to viewers at home. But her mate said the faux-par would remain strictly between the two of them. In the pub after the match, a few drinks had been taken and there was a lull in the conversation. At this point, the confidante exclaims: “You’ll never guess what she thought!”

Dear Fab and Groove,

Rob Wheatley of Coventry

I have translated England’s 1998 World Cup squad into the American Film Institute’s top 100 of all time:

CHELSEA’S DIARY

Peter Hack of Havant

1) Seaman - Citizen Kane 2) Campbell - Casablanca 3) Le Saux - The Godfather 4) Ince - Gone With The Wind 5) Adams - Lawrence Of Arabia 6) Southgate - Wizard Of Oz 7) Beckham - The Graduate 8) Batty - On The Waterfront 9) Shearer - Schindler’s List 10) Sheringham - Singin’ In The Rain 11) McManaman - It’s A Wonderful Life 12) Neville G - Sunset Boulevard 13) Martyn - Bridge Over The River Kwai 14) Anderton - Some Lime It Hot 15) Merson - Star Wars 16) Scholes - All About Eve 17) Lee - The African Queen 18) Keown - Psycho 19) Ferdinand L - Chinatown 20) Owen - One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest 21) Ferdinand R - The Grapes Of Wrath 22) Flowers - 2001: A Space Odyssey from Adam Kirk FOOTBALL EPITAPHS Dear men in bibs, I had a nightmare in which I rambled through a football graveyard. These are the epitaphs that I saw: Barry Davies - “This Was He” Ruud Gullit - “Sexy Maggots Also” Kenny Dalglish - “Dead. ‘If You Say So’” Ron Atkinson - “Non Existing For Fun” Trevor Brooking - “Perhaps Here Lies The Body If Trevor Brooking. Probably he’ll be a little bit disappointed that he’s dead” Glenn from Scotland

Ahoy-hoy Dannys, Caught by the squad number craze, I’ve paired the Chelsea team with extracts from my 1981 diary, when I was ten. I gave each player a random piece of text from a day that matched his squad number. 1) De Goey - The school disco was on but I didn’t want to go. We also had a book sale at school. I didn’t buy anything because I had no money. They were old books anyway. 17) Ferrer - We had a bring and buy sale. I bought a Celebrity Squares game and now I wish I hadn’t. I missed football training because I had a bad headache. I watched Top of the Pops and Tomorrow’s World. 5) Leboeuf - We had to copy a picture out of our singing together pamphlets. We watched 7B’s girls do a play that they made themselves. Now all the boys in our class are doing a play on themselves. The girls are doing one as well. 6) Desailly - I made my own sandwiches. 14) Le Saux - I got pushed in the mud and ended up filthy. I listened to Elton’s tape in the evening. And at school I wrote about my favourite things like the smell of freshly mown grass and making a heap of grass and jumping into it. It was a typical day at school. 7) Goldbaek - We went to Guildford. I got a pair of yellow and blue Nike trainers, tube socks, soldiers and a book called The Book Of Heroic Failures. 16) Di Matteo - We weren’t allowed to play with balls in the playground because of the mud. We had drama, maths, handwriting and something else. I watched Circus Championships and everyone else packed to leave for the Isle of Wight, because we are going there tomorrow. 8) Poyet - Keith came. We played Atari and went to the woods to find golf balls, by the way we went on our bicycles there. I stayed up and watched Holiday on the Buses in mum’s room. 11) Wise - In the morning I played against White Bush. We won 7-3. I played for the U12s. I scored two goals. At 2pm, I went to Jason’s party. We had a football match and played a hide and find game. We also played 40/40 in the dark. I gave him Subbuteo Man City team.

HAMMMERS COMIC CAPERS Dear Dannys, I’m a fan of West Ham and American comics. Every month a top 100 chart is produced of the best-selling comics. Here is the Hammers team with shirt numbers corresponding to chart position: 12) Hislop - The Avengers 3) Dicks - Fathom 4) Potts - Battlechasers 15) Ferdinand - Captain America 19) Pearce - Iron Man 11) Lomas - Justice League Of America 17) Lazaridis - Witch Blade

3) Babayaro - I watched Swap Shop in my dressing gown and played with my sponge ball. Chris and I did some recordings of drumming that we did ourselves. I also wrote a beat on paper and we played that. I would have run in the County Championships but I was too young. 15) Zola - I went to West Humble to play a match, a cup match in fact against South Park. I was sub but Ian got hurt in the ribs after the first 15 minutes so I played the rest of the game. We lost 8-0 but an improvement on 1-12. I watched Holiday. 19) Flo - I had a football match at school. We lost 5-1 to 8E. I scored our goal. It was a curler across the goal. The match finished five mins early for the rain was pelting down.


9) Vialli - I watched Superstars and at school we saw the rest of Mr Blunder. I did the front cover of my poetry anthology and a few poems. I did a plain page just inside the cover saying ‘what you are about to see is a poetry anthology written, created and selected by me’.

Peter Ormerod of Brighton

Simon Beardsau of Dorking

Hail Rider-of-the-Grooves and Poncho,

SHAKESPEARE’S INSULTS

When I was 16, I was told that I would be going to work in Manchester City’s ticket office for my work experience. Great I thought, I’ll be working at what was then a Premiership club. Wrong - and here’s why:

SLAVE LABOUR

Achtung Fabio und GrooveRider, I own a book called Shakespeare’s Insults, which contains a list of passages of verbal abuse from, er, Shakespeare’s plays. I also know the squad numbers from England’s 1998 World Cup squad. I decided to compare the two, by taking the relevant squad number and multiplying it by ten to give a page number in the book. Having done this, I took an insult from the page I had been referred to. And these are the results: 1) David Seaman - Irksome bawling scold 2) Sol Campbell - O ill-dispersing wind of misery 3) Graeme Le Saux - He has no pace, but runs where he will 4) David Batty - A crooked-pated old cuckoldy ram, out of all reasonable match 5) Gareth Southgate - Your abilities are too infant-like for doing much alone 6) Tony Adams - His celestial breath was sulphurous to smell 7) David Beckham - I know you all, and will awhile uphold the unhoyk’d humour of your idleness 8) Paul Ince - So, so, thou common dog, didst thou disgorge thy glutton bosom 9) Alan Shearer - Puffi’thy teeth, most recreant coward base! 10) Teddy Sheringham - Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat 11) Darren Anderton - Thy mother took to her blameful bed some stern untutor’d churl 12) Gary Neville - He hath into monstrous habits put the graces that once were his 13) Tim Flowers - You rash, inconsiderate, fiery voluntaries, with ladies’ faces and fierce dragons’ spleens! 14) Martin Keown - I will praise an eel with the praise. 15) Ay in the catalogue ye go for men; as hounds, and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs, shoughs, water-rugs, and demi-wolves are clept all by the name of dogs 16) Paul Scholes - How much low peasantry! 17) Steve McManaman - With thy brawls thou hast disturb’d out sport 18) Les Ferdinand - His gift is in devising impossible slanders 19) Rob Lee - Mere prattle without practice 20) Michael Owen - Thy food is such as hath been belch’d on by infected lungs 21) Rio Ferdinand - The world, tis full of thy foul wrongs 22) Nigel Martyn - My care should be to comb your noddle with a three legg’d stool Richard Moon from Peterborough MAN UNITED’S S-PLAN Sirs, Did anyone notice the similarity of Manchester United’s strategy last season and the Schlieffen Plan? Win the league by March (hammerswing encircling Paris, knocking out France in six weeks). Then, concentrate on the European Cup (transfer of forces to face the Russian army). Angus Wittgenstein

Monday: Sorting out season ticket applications, which involved just filing these loose pieces of paper and putting elastic bands round the different piles of the applications...9 til 5. Tuesday: Sorting out season ticket applications,which involved just filing these loose pieces of paper and putting elastic bands round the different piles of the applications...9 til 5. Wednesday: Sorting out season ticket applications,which involved just filing these loose pieces of paper and putting elastic bands round the different piles of the applications...9 til 5. Thursday and Friday: “Tugboat off mum if you think that I’m tugboating going back there!” P.S. While these were not the best three days of my teenage life, I like to think that I in some small way I helped the Blue tugboats get relegated the following season. This was punishment for making me, a United fan, have to undergo what was unpaid slave labour. Name withheld ANELKA’S BITCH Dear Dannys, This is the Arsenal squad matched up to tonight’s (December 5) list of E-mail communications to the web forum called Bianca’s Sexual Feedback, part of Bianca’s Smut Shack site. 1) Seaman - ‘my first experience’ by Handyman 2) Dixon - ‘mid-morning cum’ by Donna 3) Winterburn - ‘love hairy women’ by Tom 4) Vieira -’wish I could get more of my cock in my mouth’ by Horny Guy 5) Bould - ‘can I look?’ by Sweetie 6) Adams - ‘anyone got naked pics of Jennifer Aniston?’ by John 7) Vivas - ‘I need to pee’ by Rob 8) Ljungberg - ‘I stole my friends wife’s panties from her hamper’ by Horny Guy 9) Anelka - ‘I’ll be your bitch’ by Sidney 10) Bergkamp - ‘let me watch’ by Justin 11) Overmars - ‘sooooo wet’ by Female 12) Wreh - ‘I wanna be your slave’ by Carol Ann 13) Manninger - ‘velvety’ by Satin Sheets 14) Keown - ‘shopping fantasy’ by Lone Ranger 15) Parlour - ‘any ladies want to?’ by Stallion 16) Hughes - ‘strap-ons’ by Beginner 17) Petit - ‘G-Spot’ by Beginner 18) Grimandi - ‘cock and ball torture pics’ by Bikerboy 19) Garde - ‘swapping pics’ by Guy4Girls 20) Upson - ‘is anyone horny here?’ by Quackers 21) Morte - ‘any horny ladies want to get off?’ by Joe 22) Grondin - ‘venus butterfly’ by Emily 23) Mendez - ‘masturbation’ by Theresa 24) Lukic - ‘I’m looking for Maxhardcore pix’ by JJ 26) Cabellero - ‘easing in’ by Getting warmer Clive Colledge

E-MAILS ONCE A MASTER....

POETRY CORNER

Bonjour messrs Baker and Kelly,

Dear Dans,

Your “once a master, always a master” thing has got me thinking... I wonder what the marketing genie behind the Champions’ League would make of the following:

Following your recent surge into the world of football poems, I’ve written ones about Paul Gascoigne and Rob Jones. JUST ME (Paul Gascoigne)

Elastoplast - once a plaster, always a plaster A Hindu during Ramadan once a faster, always a faster Someone who mends broken arms - once a caster, always a caster Bob Marley - once a rasta, always a rasta Italian food - once a pasta, always a pasta Lady Grinning Soul (Bowie song, of course) - once a Canasta, always a Canasta Things people hang from - once a rafter, always a rafter

I’m a professional footballer, Lying in a bed, Thinking of all those nasty things, All going through my head.


I know I should not be lying here, It’s because of Wembley, Thinking of that stupid tackle, Instead of all that glee. Now when I do get out of here, I’ll be working on this knee, Getting fit left, right and centre, Just thinking of Italy. Now what is in my mind right now, No-one will ever know, But when I’m given that big, big chance, It will be a one man show. Now Mel and Len both work for me, Both working day and night, One’s an accountant, ones a lawyer, Making sure I’m alright. Now please don’t worry about a thing, I know i’m getting thinner, But at the back of my mind, There’ll only be one winner.

TURF WAR Dear Danny and Danny, The following appeared in the Daily Record (a Scottish tabloid) under the headline ‘SFA lays English grass at the new Hampden’. It shows that the Scots’ hatred for all things English is still alive and kicking. ‘SFA chiefs have imported ENGLISH turf to cover the new Hampden Park. In the ultimate snub to the Tartan Army, Scotland’s soccer bosses began laying the Yorkshire-grown turf yesterday. The new extra-thin playing surface is being placed on top of a revolutionary base for football pitches made of peat, sand, gravel and netting. Of all the ingredients being used for the new £500,000 playing surface, only the gravel is Scottish - it comes from Carstairs. The same technique was used at Manchester United’s Old Trafford pitch - and the surface began cutting up badly because the layer of turf is so thin. Hampden manager Tom Onions said yesterday: “The quantity and type of turf we required are only available in Yorkshire.” The new Hampden will be ready by April next year, in time for the 1999 Scottish Cup Final. Last night, Mr Onions insisted the pitch will stand the test better than the surface at Old Trafford. He added: “They began playing on it six weeks after it was completed. But we will give this one four months to bed in before it is used.” The old Hampden turf was ripped up and sold at a pound a square two months ago.

DON’T GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS (Rob Jones) Cold winter nights training at Crewe, Even when I had the flu, To be a pro, this I had to do, It would be hard work I knew, But I wanted to make it to the top, And play in front of the Spion Kop.

The Daily Record nipped in first to grab the famous centre spot and ten other legendary chunks - including the square where Kenny Dalglish kicked the ball through Ray Clemence’s legs for Scotland against England in 1976 - to give away to our readers.’ I have to point out that I am Scottish and that I bought 36 bits of turf for the frount garden.

So the moral of this tale, Never think you will fail, Your dream will come true, Whatever it is you want to do.

Allan Price

So when the going gets tough, Never give up, ‘Cos a Graeme Souness could turn up for you, Just out of the blue, And make your dreams come true.

Choose United. Choose seven failed attempts at the European Cup. Choose to be knocked out of Europe nine times in ten seasons. Choose to be the European laughing stock. Choose to waste countless millions. Choose to support a team from a city you’ve never been to. Choose whining. Choose to wear tugboat grey shirts then blame them when Southampton stuff you. Choose to release Cantona because he’s the only one who recognises how crap Cole is. Choose cheating. Choose not to condemn your player after he has just been convicted of murder. Choose to spend your career in the reserves because the money’s good. Choose a psychopathic Irishman for your captain and call him a gifted visionary. Choose to waste £7m on Cole. Choose the arrogance to field your reserve team and then bleat about the consequences. Choose a racist albino with pink eyes and a red nose as your keeper. Choose not to be liked by anyone and pretend not to care. Choose your own referee and assistants - except in Europe. Choose a Scandinavian paperboy as your top scorer. Choose to have the biggest squad in British football and then complain about injuries. Choose your club before country. Choose Wales before England. Choose Paddy Roach. Choose to be arse-licked by the media and then accuse them of anti-United bias. Choose to forget 1975 to 1989 ever existed. Choose to change the team you support every ten years. Choose to shield your players from TV interviews until they can read and write. Choose Remi Moses. Choose to change your kit six times a season. Choose selfdeception and delusions of grandeur. Choose the highlight of your club’s history as an air disaster. Choose your best ever player as an incoherent, wife-beating, alcoholic Irishman. Choose to poach your “impressive youth policy” from other clubs. Choose to sign a world class centre forward beginning with SH and pretend not to care when you get Sheringham instead of Shearer. Choose to go for the treble then end up with tugboat all. Choose embarrassment. Choose United.

David Bailey TORY ADMAN LEADS GUNNERS Dear Dans, I ran the Arsenal squad through spell checkers on both Microsoft and Lotus. Here’s what I got: dad season (Seaman) leek Dijon (Dixon) martians known (Keown) tory adman (Adams) nile windburn (Winterburn) stove boiled (Bould) gives griming (Grimandi) mother upset (Upson) nelson visa (Vivas) divide grenadine (Grondin) rag parlous (Parlour) partake Vienna (Vieira) many pets (Petit) marry overbears (overmars) steep hushes (Hughes) remit garden (Garde) alert mender (Mendez) michelle black (Black) denims breakup (Bergkamp) uncles ankle (Anelka) chorister wren (Wreh) lugs bra maritime (Boa Morte) Ian Pile

TRAINSPOTTING

Anonymous PERSONAL AROUSER ON THE BENCH Dear Dannys, I’ve matched the England World Cup squad to items from Big Daddy’s Gay Toys catalogue: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

David Seaman (emperor) Sol Campbell (inflatable emperor with suction cup) Graeme LeSaux (super duper double dong) Paul Ince (super jumbo jack) Tony Adams (super duper dong) Gareth Southgate (super duper dong 13) David Beckham (ten inch jelly royale - veined)


8 David Batty (16 inch jelly royale - jr.double dong) 9 Alan Shearer (five inch jelly royale - butt plug) 10 Teddy Sheringham (pink jelly quartz - penis) 11 Steve Mc Manaman (extra large humungous butt plug) 12 Gary Neville (ejaculating butt plug) 13 Nigel Martyn (seven inch Raquel slimline multi-speed vibes) 14 Darren Anderton (six-and-a-half-inch Raquel superslim Multi-speed vibes) 15 Paul Merson (fist of Adonis) 16 Paul Scholes (foreplay massage mitt with oil) 17 Robert Lee (six inch pearlesence multi-speed vibes) 18 Martin Keown (seven inch glow in the dark vibe) 19 Les Ferdinand (stubbies) 20 Michael Owen (pocket exotic multi-speed anal T-vibe) 21 Rio Ferdinand (the facilitator) 22 Tim Flowers (personal arouser)

PICTURES PARAFIN PETE REVEALED!

Al Needham THE SHOW BEAU NO 4 NEEDS HELP, COLOUR BLIND, PACT WITH THE DEVIL, MISERABLE GITS PLUS MORE

Kubla McCann sent us this picture of Manchester United fan Peter Sullivan, more commonly known by his monicker Parafin Pete.

Psycho Chris gets up Bill’s nose. He doesn’t stop swearing in the family enclosure at Highbury. Alex was surprised to see the referee showing the red card in an Andover League match - to his linesman.

Kubla has known Parafin, who is a living legend at Old Trafford and hitch-hikes to most games, since the 60s when he had long hair.

Ipswich Town’s James Scowcroft bagged a hat-trick in a recent league match at Crewe and then had to fork out £35 for the match ball, according to Paul. Mark is annoyed with the Nott’m Forest fans who keep peeing - in the wash basins. Jerry is no longer the Leeds jinx. He saw them lose in ALL the games that he attended but he finally broke that hoodoo on Saturday as the Elland Road side beat West Ham. Beau #3 stayed the night before a match with Jo. He left at 12.15pm but being the nice lad that he is, left Jo a message. Jo, being the nice girl she is, decided to read it out on air. “Dear Jo, Please use any influence you have with the Dans to get me on the TV. Please emphasise (spelt with two fs) I’m very witty,” it read. Beau #3 gets angry when watching footballers advertising products on TV, according to Jo. And in particular he doesn’t like David Ginola. He threw a cushion at the TV when the Spurs ace was advertising hair products. Jo met beau #4, after announcing that she was interested in another player. He introduced himself by asking: “Am I beau #4?”

”Anyone claiming to be a Red who has not heard of the caked crusader is probably a club class, gangster’s accountant who lives in Bramhall, has kids called Tarquin and Pandora, wears a replica shirt and never saw how tugboat George Graham was in a United kit”, says Kubla. Parafin once slept in an Aberdeen graveyard for four days while United played in a four-team tournament. And on one pre-season trip to Ireland, Pete found himself absolutely skint. He went up to a familiar face and asked if he could have a fiver. Only it was Ron Atkinson and he got an autograph instead. COOKING IN THE NUDE

Mark is also not happy at Arsenal. A fan thinks it’s funny to keep shouting, sit down and stand up - every few minutes. Michael compiled a team of miserable-looking players. His side featured Nev Southall, Stuart Pearce, Hristo Stoichkov, Sir Bobby Charlton, Joey Beauchamp and Nicholas Anelka. And he nominated Sir Alf Ramsay as the manager. Cooling Off Ian thinks 5-a-side outfit Justin’s Gems have made a pact with the devil. Last season they were crap. Now they top the league. Players from three different teams have suffered injuries while playing against them. One broke his finger and another broke his leg. But when another player suffered a heart attack during a game, Ian began to think something was not right. His team plays them soon. Former Nott’m Forest player Lars Bohinen had to be substituted during a game - because he is colour blind, said Mark. When the orange ball came on, Lars came off.

This picture of a naturist cooking appeared in the The Newcastle Chronicle. It has got nothing to do with football but who cares? “You have to admire the man if only for his over-loaded electric wall socket with mirror attachment,” says sender Kevin Irving of Blakelaw. CONSUMER TERRORISM

Keith doesn’t like Murray Jones, the forward with what must be the worst strike-rate in history. Brentford signed Jones and he never scored for them. He’s now a coach at Crystal Palace, according to Lee. Michael attended the Partick v Arbroath Scottish Cup tie. Partick won but had three players sent off. His team held on by playing a formation of 7-0-1. Gordon is a keen advocator of shirts v skins but he would be, he’s a colour blind football commentator. Stuart Aspinall of Wigan has begun a one-man crusade to spread the word about Baker & Kelly. And we like him. Adverts such as this one have been appearing in stores all over Manchester. Stuart has already successfully targeted Waterstones and Virgin and will keep us posted on his progress. _____________________________________________________________


14 DECEMBER 1998

Ray in action in his prime in the 1970s. Ray brought in his prized (and the only) copy of the 1970 League Cup Final against Manchester City.

LETTERS HEDGEHOG FOOTBALL Dear Dannys, I’ve enclosed the following cutting from a local Welsh newspaper (November 20).....

He took the time to forward it to the bit where his hopeful punt into the penalty box was headed in by Jeff Astle from 12 yards out past a flapping Joe Corrigan. He left the video, after making us watch it several times, in the hands of the PR who promptly lost it and it never got into the monthly video either. I suspect that the PR girl has taped EastEnders and The Home Front over Ray’s prized possession. Has anyone got a replacement copy?

A man has been fined £75 for playing footbaall with a hedgehog. Neil Woodyatt, 20, was prosecuted for causing unnecessary suffering to the wild mammal after being spotted by police. He and a friend were seen by police passing the hedgehog back and forth like a football.

Peter Lowe LONELY GREEK BLOKE

The hedgehog was still alive and showed no signs of injury. Woodyatt was arrested but his accomplice fled and has never been traced.

Dear Danny and Danny,

Prosecutor Paul Bevan told magistrates two police saw the pair kicking the hedgehog outside the Park Hotel in Tredegar, South Wales. The two police officers placed the hedgehog into a hedgerow and could see no sign of injuries.

I have recently exiled myself to the remote Greek island of Siphinos where I now live alone in a small room, with just a Walkman and ONE tape of your show - recorded the day of the World Cup Final - for company I play it so many times I know all the words.

Dave Lewis, defending, blamed Woodyatt’s actions on too much alcohol.

As an avid listener to your weekly football banter, I am now suffering major withdrawal symptoms. I am badly in need of a recent episode. I cannot pick up any radio stations out here.

”He wouldn’t have done it if he was sober,” he said. ”It was curled up in the road and they thought it was dead. It was only a minute or so of them actually kicking the hedgehog. ”A hedgehog has got pretty good protection with all its spines.” Woodyatt, of Waunlwyd, Tredegar, pleaded guilty. He was fined £75 and ordered to pay £35 costs by Tredegar magistrates.

The island is surrounded by mountains and, strangely enough, water. By day I’m lifting rocks or picking olives. It’s a good experience for a while but terribly quiet - and the social life revolves around the local cafe, which is frequented by fishermen.

CYRIL THE SWAN

They talk about, er, fish and my attempts to find out how Ipswich Town are greeted with polite indifference. An update on the young filly who has been seeing a manager would be of interest. The island has very few nubile maidens and my attraction towards the goat in the field opposite is purely on a flirtation level. She’s let herself go and doesn’t shave her legs anymore. Mind you, she’s got lovely yellow teeth and a smile to die for.

Dear Dannys,

Martin Reynolds

Here’s some more information about Swansea’s mascot - Cyril the Swan. This is his first season and he made his debut in the match against Exeter. Although this was before he took to gyrocopting, he nevertheless made a spectacular entrance.

PS I had a trial for Ipswich in 1969

Half an hour before kick-off, the tannoy alerted the crowd to a nine-foot swan being lowered by winch from one of the floodlights. Cyril engaged in a frenzy of waving and flapping despite what looked like a less than controlled descent.

Hi Dannys,

Welsh Football Correspondent

The spectacle was then slightly spoiled as he had been lowered into the away fans end - luckily it wasn’t the Cardiff match. And he had to stand around and take his share of tugboat references from the Exeter supporters for the five minutes or so it took for someone to find a key to let him out.

GOAL FEAST

In the early 1970s, you may remember Brian Clough taking over as manager of Brighton. We drew 0-0 away to Walton & Hersham in the FA Cup before losing the replay 0-4 at home. This, however, was only a warm up for that Saturday’s match with Bristol Rovers - which we lost 2-8 at home. It’s still a long way from the two successive Saturdays in 1965 when we put nine past Southend and ten past Wisbech in the FA Cup. Mr Gull of Hove

Nick COLOURBLIND BEES FOOTBALL EPITAPHS Dear Danny and Danny, James Alexander Gordon - Grim Reaper 1 Me 0 Kenneth Wolstenhome - They Think It’s All Over....It Is Now David Coleman - What Happens Next? Percy Thrower - Now I’m Mulch Freddie Trueman - In My Day People Didn’t Die Glenn Hoddle - At This Moment In External Nothingness, I’m In A NotExisting Situation Murray Walker - “I’m Alive” Maggie Thatcher - The Lady’s Not For Breathing Anne Robinson - This Coffin Is A Potential Death-Trap

Regarding the vision of bees. It is quite true that bees can see into the ultraviolet, and it is also true that quite what a bee sees when doing so is pretty much unimaginable. However, bees have a corresponding loss of sensitivity at the red end of the spectrum. As a consequence of this, any bee watching a Merseyside derby would see one team in bright blue and the other in a very dull blue. Mark Haworth of Didsbury

Joe Davola of Rotherham DAGENHAM ON TOUR OLD TAPE CONFUSION APPEAL Dear Dannys, Dear Dannys, I work for a large PLC which, until recently, was on an aggressive acquisition trail. One of the companies bought had a famous ex-pre footballer working for them - Ray Wilson of West Brom.

On the subject of signs of small clubs in remote areas, I went to an English pub with a soccer theme in Milan, Italy. There, among the numerous Spurs shirts and Liverpool penants proudly hung a Dagenham & Redbridge scarf.

The PR department thought it would be a good idea to show a clip of

Matt of Hove


READ MY STONE Dear Mr Fabio and Mr GrooveRider, I’ve got some more epitaphs: Kevin Keegan - Would Love It, Just Love It, If He Was Still Alive Dion Dublin - Took Four Hours To Get The Coffin Lid Down Bob Wilson - Won’t Be Back After The Break Neil Thomson of Doncaster MORE FOOTBALL EPITAPHS Jurgen Klinsmann - Dead, For Sure Glenn Hoddle - There Are No Easy Deaths In International Football Steve Sedgley - (Grave Empty Due To Voodoo Doll) Graham Taylor - Did I Not Like That Phil Neal (grave next to Taylor’s) - Yeah, Did I Not Like That Trevor Steele - The Skeleton Footballer Couldn’t Go The Party In The Graveyard. Why? Because he had no-body to go with. Chris Evans - (Nothing Because Danny Baker Hasn’t Written Anything For Him) Darren Anderton - Look At My £3,000 Headstone

sheet of his clipboard with a flourish and brandished an A4-sized yellow card. He said that he was sending me to the sin-bin to cool off. I protested vehemently in the time-honoured fashion and refused to go. I was surprised to see him trot off and restart play. So I carried on. This was to be my undoing. Hackles now well and truly up, I spotted my nemesis making a run down the wing. The red mist descended and I charged after him with thoughts only of revenge on my mind. As I caught up with him the substitutes and well-wishers on the touchline shouted “don’t do a sliding tackle, don’t do a sliding tackle!” But by now the red mist had reached my ears and I heard only the words “do a sliding tackle, do a sliding tackle!” So I did. After a season of playing on my feet, it was sheer bliss. It didn’t last long. Unknown to me, the rules now stated that a sliding tackle in your own half meant an automatic penalty was awarded to the other team. I had to watch as the same player placed the ball on a penalty spot all of six yards from the goal-line and, needless to say, converted it thus ending our season. I was not very popular. Still, you learn a new thing every day, eh? Joe STRIKER KIDNAPPED Dear Dannys,

Craig Macleay of Warrington

A few years ago I played for a Sunday league side and we had quite a small band of supporters.

EVEN MORE FOOTBALL EPITAPHS

One match, our regular centre forward never showed up as his wife had kicked him out the night before and he had more important matters to attend too. His replacement had a less than fruitful first-half and our fans were calling for him to be subbed.

Joanne - Here Lies Joanne, Once Again Surrounded By Wood David Mellor - Dance Here Andy Jobbs of Crewkerne E-MAILS

But the manager stuck with him after the break. This did not go down well with our more discerning supporters, who sent on a Ford Sierra and three able-bodied men who forced the hand of the boss by kidnapping the hapless striker and positioning him five miles down the M8 in nothing more than his kit.

AN AMERICAN TAIL Dear Dannys,

This proved the turning point as we turned a 1-0 deficit into a 5-1 victory.

Three years ago I was studying at the University of Massachusetts in the United States. The college ran a soccer league each year and a bunch of ex-pats and myself decided to put together a team with the intention of showing the uppity yanks how to play the beautiful game. We called ourselves Move-over Rovers and our tactics were based around solid British grit, German efficiency and Italian flair, plus a smattering of Scandinavian tobacco chewing to really put the wind up our opponents. We were the prototype of the modern Premiership side - we even had a crap American goalkeeper.

Brian Mitchell of Glasgow

In fact, the only thing that was missing was a local barmaid to shag the back four (nyum nyum. Things began to go pear-shaped before the season started. Our German midfield star demonstrated his homeland’s famed efficiency did not extend to its rubber industry - he had to fly home after finding out his girlfriend was pregnant. Things got odder when the referee turned up to the first game with a clipboard to which he seemed unnaturally attached - he held on to it for the entire game. All the same, we still fancied ourselves - for about five minutes. This was the point at which the British contingent, myself included, realised that our health and fitness was somewhat inferior to that of the average American student. It was also the point at which one of our players conceded the first free kick - for a sliding tackle that missed its target by a good yard. It turned out that failing to stay on your feet was a punishable offence whether a foul was committed or not. Apparently this was so that nobody would get injured and sue the college for negligence. It also nullified our most potent weapon (fear).

I didn’t want to disturb him as he was intently studying several photocopies of various football reports.

Despite these burdens, we didn’t do all that badly, and before the final game of the regular season we were still in with a chance of reaching the play-offs. Whoever won this match would go through. By now we had gained a reputation as being a difficult side to beat, mainly as we kept up the European tradition of being gratuitously rude and abusive to the officials at every possible opportunity. The word ‘officials’ is the key here. Soon realising that one man was not enough for the job, our games often finished with two referees, the second usually arriving midway through after a match on an adjoining pitch had finished. For this crucial tie, they went even better. The contest began with three referees - each with his own clipboard. After a classic encounter, we finished normal time tied at 3-3. The Americans, not understanding the concept of the draw, sudden-death extra time followed. About five minutes from the end, with no further addition to the score, I got involved in a very mature episode of handbags with one of the opposition. Calling me aside, one of the referees peeled back the top

SECOND-CLASS GARTH Dear F & G, I was priviliged to share a carriage on the 9am London St Pancras to Nottingham service with Mr. Garth Crooks of the BBC.

However, the shocking thing was that he was travelling in standard class with the common people, rather than first class as you may expect from a top BBC pundit. I was going to follow him once we got to Nottingham but it was raining and I had a lecture to go to. Dino PANTS AT SCORING Dear Fabio and GrooveRider, On the subject of players who have gone a long time without scoring, I have a very sad tale to tell. I have only ever played football for my school’s B team. I played at right back or in central defence and was ever-present over the seven seasons I spent at Highams Park School in London. In the first year, I scored two own goals in a year we finished as champions. In one match, we beat local rivals Aveling Park B 19-1 and in that game I scored my only goal of the season in the right net. I proceeded to run the full-length of the pitch with my arms in the air and cheering - after all it was my first goal of the season. I then had six barren seasons for our team, not scoring a single goal for or against any of the teams we played. Since there is little prospect of me playing any more organised games, I claim to be the only player to have ever played an entire career and finished with a negative goal difference. Ian Beach


STRIKER’S EMBARASSMENT

DANGEROUS PITCH

Dear Danny and Danny,

Dear Danny and Danny,

A player in my Sunday league side was clean through on goal late on in a very close game. As he sped towards goal it became apparent that the elastic in his shorts had snapped. As the goalie approached him, the shorts began to slowly slide down his legs and he was frantically pulling them back up at every stride whilst trying to retain his composure. This was proving increasingly difficult, until as he pulled his leg back to shoot, his shorts fell down to his ankles - revealing a brown pair of pants.

You were talking about the most dangerous places to play football. When turning out for a particularly unsuccessful youth team on the Isle of Wight, we had to play on a pitch which was spitting distance from the most dangerous criminals and terrorists in Britain.

He was left on the floor while the ball trickled through to the keeper. The game had to be stopped for five minutes due to mass hysteria, and to rub salt in the wound we had no spare shorts so the player in question had to complete the game in his Y-fronts.

To make matters worse, the pitch cut up with just a dash of rain and wiped out any markings. The referee for the home team resembled someone who had just gained day-release from Parkhurst.

Nathan Kosky of Hendon WEIRDEST PLACE TO PLAY FOOTBALL Dear Dans, I used to watch my brother’s team play in the Weetabix Youth League in Northants (the manager of the month got 24 of them as part of the sponsorship deal).

The prisoners of Parkhurst were just metres away and separated from us - a group of 11 and 12-year olds - by a large wall. We were still slightly worried as three murderers had recently escaped.

He took particular pleasure in booking the youngsters for untucked shirts. It could have been worse though. Another prison close by contained sex offenders. In fact, the Isle of Wight must be the worst place to play football. No pitches we ever played on got close to resembling being flat. And our home ground was on a steep hill. Another dangerous ground that springs to mind was one which had a concrete cricket wicket on one of the wings. Luke

They always lost but this particular Sunday they were playing away against the next worst team in the league, a game they could win. When we got to their ground, the referee was refusing the game to go ahead because the pitch was covered in pot holes and he considered it dangerous. It looked as though they were being denied the chance to keep their 100 per cent record. This was, however, until one of the parents of a player from the other side said that he had a pitch in his back garden. You can imagine the bemused look on some of our faces. But we travelled about a mile on to one of Wellingborough’s council estates. We arrived at this man’s house and to our amazement there was a full size football pitch in his back garden. For the record, we lost 3-1.

NOT ALWIGHT One of my friends, whose dad is an occasional translator for visiting Italian teams, trod accidentally on Dwight Yorke’s foot with one of his size 14 feet in Miss Moneypenny’s in Birmingham. This was pre-season, about three years ago, and Dwight had to miss the first match of the season. Ian Mills OLD VIDEOS

Jeff Jarrett of Manchester Dear Dans, BLUE INCIDENT During the replay of the 1977 League Cup Final between Everton and Aston Villa (played at Old Trafford), the toilets at the Stretford End which held the Everton fans were painted Royal Blue. Two men with overalls, ladders, paint and brushes did a very professional job.

I am the proud owner of an old Granada E60 video from 1982. The instructions on it state that only one side of the video cassette can be used. You’re also told which way to put it in (ooo’er missus). The video showd Huddersfield beating Millwall 5-1. We were in the old Third Division and it only got shown because there were no other matches on due to bad weather. I am prepared to part with it for hard cash - or a steering wheel for the PlayStation.

Steve Kirkwood Peter Beck I SENT HIM OFF MIGHTY AYR UNITED Dear Dannys, Hello Danny and Danny, I got a player sent off. The man in question was Oxford United’s John Durnin. It was November 1992 and Brentford were playing The U’s at Griffin Park. The game was a bit bad-tempered and Brentford took a first-minute lead through a hotly-disputed penalty. The hosts were renowned for their offside tactics and mid-way through the first half, after yet another offside trap had been sprung, Mr Durnin mouthed “tugboat off” to the linesman. I was standing right behind the linesman at this point and I though it quite funny to tell the linesman: “He just swore at you”. After a short pause the linesman starts flagging furiously to attract the referee’s attention. A discussion takes place between the two Mr Durnin is called to the referee and promptly shown the red card. Brentford won 1-0.

Your category of finding signs of small teams in odd foreign locations brings to mind the story that appeared in the Scotsman newspaper a few weeks. It was about prisoners of war in an internal conflict in the Sahara desert (Western Morocco). Some of these guys had been kept in primitive conditions for up to eight years. They showed a picture of these conditions; the walls were decorated with Pirelli calendars and so on, but highlighted among them was a picture of the 1988 Ayr United team under the headline “Famous British Football Teams” No explanation was given for this, and it was not mentioned in the text of the story. Kenny McLeod HIGH-SCORING DRAWS

Paul Harrison Dear Dannys, Back in the days when BBC and ITV had all the footy on TV, BSkyB could only show stuff like the Zenith Data Systems Cup. It wasn’t even on the Sports channel - they used to clear the Sky Channel for the night.


This made the meeting of Tranmere and Newcastle something of an event. Huge build up, Tranmere’s glorious history touted over endless ads in the days leading up to the game, Richard Keys even shaved his wrist line in preparation. Ossie Ardiles was the boss of Newcastle at the time, before they brought in Kevin Keegan to sort out their defence. I joined the game after half-time and saw three goals, the last being an equaliser late on to make it 3-3 and force extra time. The next 30 minutes passed quickly. I can’t remember who the commentator was but luckily it wasn’t Motty. He’d have told us the last time a team won 43 in extra time. The match finished 6-6 - live on TV. Ossie got sacked soon after. Sean Blessitt HEAR ROCHDALE FANS SING

Halifax in 1970 - but that includes the half-time interval. John, a City fan, travelled to the match with his dad in thick fog and didn’t get to the game until 3.35pm. City were 2-0 by now. The players came out for the second half and the fog began to get thicker. “We better get home son before the fog gets worse,” said his father. They left - and City went on to score another two goals. Oxford fan Graham saw his side lose 7-1 at home to Birmingham on Saturday. So was Paul, who recorded the sound of the crowd as the amusingly named Dean Windass bagged the home side’s late consolation. Dave told the tale of a linesman who got sent off for fighting with players as Bovingdon tackled Wormley. “I’m not a cheat so shut your gob,” the lino fumed in the first-half after being verbally abused by a supporter. Mid-way through the second period, a foul was committed. Dave took his eye off the action for a split second and when he turned back to the game he witnessed an eight-man melee. At the centre of it was the lino, who wasn’t even wearing proper kit. The ref then called him over and gave him his marching orders.

Dear Dannys, We are Rochdale fans who travel the length and breadth of the country to watch our great club, and always listen to your show. A few weeks ago you mentioned the mighty Dale had only two songs. One fan has introduced a new Web site - the DIAZ (Dale Independant Audio Zone) - where you can sample the atmosphere in Rochdale’s home terraces. A selection of chants from various home games have been. You can check it out at http://www.zeninter.net/home/page/stash/audiozone.html Warren Brierley THE SHOW NO MORE JO?, FOOTBALL WHORES, ARRIVING LATE, JOHN WARK’S SCRAPBOOKS PLUS MORE Jo’s Twister Game, I Hate McGivern, Robert Plant, Lino Sent Off, Fog, Old Videos Gavin was PAID to watch a football match. It cost his mate £50 to persuade Gavin not to watch his beloved Watford and go and see Stoke instead. The match ended 0-0 and there was a goal feast in the Hornets game. Michael is not a fan of Mick McGivern, the man who was handed the managerial reins at Ipswich following the decision of John Lyall to move upstairs. Under Lyall, the mighty Town were the last team to be beaten in the first season of the Premiership, reached the quarter-finals of the FA Cup and League Cup and got as high as fourth in the league. Enter McGivern, and Town are dumped out of both competitions and end the season fourth from bottom. Sue’s decision to give her husband £5 if he LEFT a match changed the course of the game. Sheffield United were trailing 1-0 at home to Oxford. Then Sue decided to wave the cash in front of him. He took it, left Bramall Lane and the Blades won. Darren’s mate didn’t want to go to a Wolves game - until he heard he’d be introduced to Robert Plant, the lead singer of Led Zeppelin. Darren, who was once mistakenly identified as a soccer thug when his face appeared on the cover of a newspaper during riots in the World Cup in France, was true to his word and introduced his mate to the rock legend after the game.

Spencer got to an Anglo Italian clash between Cesana and Birmingham four minutes from time. Fog was again to blame for a late arrival. Spencer travelled to Italy and was on his way to the stadium but then decided to turn back as the fog got thicker. He phoned home to inform his family and was told the match had started. He then drove all the way to Cesana and was in time to catch the final few minutes. Chris is a journalist and was in the Manchester City press box on Saturday when it was attacked by thugs. The hack from the Evening Post in Bristol said: “Someone asked for the guy from the Daily Mirror. Then all hell broke loose.” John Wark, the former Liverpool and Ipswich player, keeps a scrapbook of cuttings relating to, er, John Wark. He’s actually got some 25 books, according to Duncan. Dave is the proud owner of a Betamax video featuring Scottish football highlights from 1982. Simon saw just 30 seconds of Manchester United’s game with Aston Villa last season after buying a “dodgy” ticket. He bought the ticket from a tout as the match kicked off. He got to his seat and the stewards realised his ticket wasn’t authentic and the police arrested him. He spent the night in a cell. Duncan Ferguson does not like healthy bits of material, says Brian. The Newcastle player doesn’t like an extra bit of material at the top of his sock that needs to be folded over. Simon managed to blag his way into the players’ bar at Manchester United for six months. He made a copy of the green entrance card by, er, getting a piece of green card and stamping it with the date of the match. His scam was uncovered when the doorman noticed that the number of people inside had shot up from 50 to 250. Vincent informs us that the highest ever scoring draw recorded is 6-6. Queen of the South and Falkirk (47/8), Motherwell and Dumbarton (63/4) and Charlton and Middlesbrough (60/1) all shared 12 goals. Steven has watched his video of the 1985 League Cup Final between Norwich and Sunderland just twice. It was recorded on VHS. PICTURES CARTOON BAKER

Jo’s been dumped - by beau #4 after a night of passion. It all happened at beau #3’s flat - and he waited as Jo and beau #4 played hide the sausage. The love action followed a game of Twister. “We had a few drinks and one thing led to another,” said Jo, who didn’t sound too happy. But Jo has revealed that she’s had enough of the team those two beaus - and two others plus a manager - are from. She’s moving on. Other Premiership sides beware. The boss in question told his wife about Jo last week. He recently paid Jo £5,000 to receive some saucy photos of himself with the temptress. Jo refuses to sleep with Darren Anderton, Michael Owen and George Graham. But she would add David Ginola to her list - and one of the two Dannys. Dave arrived at Millwall with 15 minutes of the game against Wigan left. He was abused by a group of vicious-looking five-year-olds. He was charged FULL admission price to witness the final quarter. John managed catch 20 minutes of Manchester City’s match with

This picture appears on page 25 of ‘The Wizard of Oz’ (Ladybird Books), sender Gerard Killouran of London informs us. Nice shoes Mr Baker!


FOOTBALLERS WITH TOO MUCH FACIAL HAIR

newspaper, Cyril reveals that his favourite pop star is Eagle Eye Cherry, he enjoys watching Magpie and is trying to get Swansea to use Swan Lake when the team runs out on Saturdays. _____________________________________________________________ 19 DECEMBER 1998 ROKER CHUNDER Dear Fab and Groove, Having just heard your call from that bloke who used to work in McDonalds’s and was sick on a footballer, let me put my effort forward. I was sick on a professional player WHILE he was playing.

Wolfman This is why footballers should not grow facial hair. It may have been the fashion in the late 70s and early 80s but, er, not any more. Videoton’s Peter Disztl clearly modelled himself on a werewolf. HODDLE’S SCORING PROBLEM

I was about 12 years old and it was just after the Gulf war had ended in April 1991. I’d gone to see my team Sunderland play QPR at Roker Park with my uncle and my cousin. I hadn’t been feeling well all day but my uncle was a sergeant major in the army at the time and he wouldn’t listen to my pleas to leave me at home and give my ticket to someone else. He replied: “Listen son, if I can fight the Iraqis while I’ve got dysentery, then you can watch QPR with a bad stomach.” And so, my fate was sealed. To make things worse, we stopped off at a greasy spoon café before the match where my uncle tucked into a huge fry-up which made me feel even worse. We got to the game and we managed to get right at the front of the Roker End, next to the travelling QPR fans. Halfway through the second half, Marco Gabbiadini got the ball in the area and put it in the back of the net. The crowd erupted and so did my stomach. Unfortunately for him, Gabbas came running to where I was standing to celebrate. I couldn’t hold it any longer and, while he was standing in front of me like Jesus Christ, I painted his red and white shirt a nice shade of yellow - right down the front. To make things worse, the goal was disallowed and we lost 1-0. I will never forget the incredible black look that Gabbas gave me as he realised exactly what had happened. He went off to change his shirt and when he came back on, every time he got the ball the QPR fans greeted him with a sarcastic hurling noise that the whole ground could hear. It totally put him off his game and he was eventually substituted. That day is right up there with walking in on my girlfriend with my best mate as one of the worst days of my life. Jim Stewart of Sunderland

There are some things that even the healing hands of Eileen Drewery cannot treat.

LEEDS SLAG Dear Dannys,

This was sent in anonymously. The picture of Hoddle appeared in a tabloid newspaper above an advert for a male impotence cure. FERGIE’S DOUBLE LIFE

Manchester United boss Alex Ferguson clearly leads a double life, judging by this advert from a local newspaper sent in by Daniel Rawdin of North Lincs. This version of Fergie is the mortgage arranger at the Scunthorpe branch of Halifax Property Services.

I’ve married the players of Leeds United to the lines of an argument outside my house on New Year’s Eve: 1 “You’re just a slag, Debbie” - NIGEL MARTYN 2 “Why can’t you just enjoy yourself, Steve” - IAN HARTE 3 “Every time, you make a bee-line for Gary Hobson” - MARTIN HIDEN 4 “Slag!” - ROBERT MOLENAAR 5 “You’re just a slag, Debbie” - JONATHAN WOODGATE Being Sick Over 6 “You’ve done it this time Steve, tugboat off!” - ALFIE INGE HAALAND 7 “You know I love you, Steve” - HARRY KEWELL 8 “Tugboating slag!” - DAVID HOPKIN 9 “Are you going to make me walk home by myself?” - JIMMY FLOYD HASSLEBAINK 10 “Slag, slut!” - LEE BOWYER 11 “Get off me, you tart!” - DAVID WETHERALL Mick McSorley of Leeds

SWANSEA’S FEATHERED FRIEND TOP BOSS COLLECTS PORN Dear Danny and Danny,

This picture of Swansea’s mascot - Cyril The Swan - appeared in the local Evening Post. He’s been given the bird by away fans, but he’s a big hit with home supporters. In an exclusive interview with the

I work in a large computer store and it’s my job to fix the computers that people bring in for me. Recently, I received a computer with a software problem. I looked at the sheet with the information about the PC and it had the name of a big club’s manager on it. I’m a big fan of this club so, being particularly curious, I decided to have a look in his hard drive to see what I could find. Perhaps there might be some information on new signings or gossip from the dressing room. First thing I looked at was his E-mail programme. You may be pleased to know that he subscribes to your Football 365 service. This man also has an extensive collection of hardcore pornography - I’m talking literally hundreds of pictures. However, all this was to pale into insignificance when I went to shut down the computer. As you may or may not know,


it’s possible to have a sound file play on exit. His was home-made. He had recorded himself on his computer, doing an interview with HIMSELF about his career! One of the questions from himself to himself was how he felt when he got the job with this club. His answer was: “I was obviously delighted. This club’s a sleeping giant and I think we could be in the Premiership within the next four years.” I know this all sounds too far fetched to be real, but trust me real it is. I expected this man to turn up at our store with a giant smirk on his face, saying: “Ha, ha. Got you there, that was a good one wasn’t it?” But he didn’t. Mike HILLIER’S GRASS Dear Danny K, With reference to recent comments you made about ex-Arsenal midfielder David Hillier, can I suggest a new category - I helped convict a professional footballer. A few years ago, Hillier was convicted, with two others, of stealing a man’s briefcase from a bus stop at a long-stay car park at Gatwick Airport. I was working that night in the car parks at the airport and, after being interviewed by the Police, I gave sufficient information to them to start their inquiries and point them in the right direction. To cut a long story short, Hillier pleaded guilty to theft and was given a suspended sentence. I took great satisfaction in reading of his conviction in the Gatwick News. The story picks up a few years later. Hillier is now at Portsmouth and Grimsby (my club) are their hosts. I travel 300 miles for my moment of glory. After ten minutes, Town have a corner and Hillier is stood in the six-yard box. This was my cue to rush from the back of the stand and lean over the fence and, in a low and deep voice, slag him off. The banter went as follows: “Hillier, you tugboating thieving tugboat. It was me that shopped you. You know what I’m talking about. Bus stop four. Gatwick Airport. It was me that grassed you up.” This went on for several minutes until I was ushered back to my seat by a steward. I don’t know whether he heard me or not but I just want him to know if ever he’s in Gatwick Airport again, I’ll be watching. Freddie The Fish

”It’s also useful to check back on how many chances I’ve had, and what percentage I’m taking. I set myself targets for each season. I always aim high because you have to stretch yourself and be ambitious. ”Last season I was aiming for 30 goals. I ended up four short, but I have still raised my sights for this year. Every term I’ve had in the West Ham team I have improved on my goals total, and I hope to continue the sequence this year. ”Another target for me is to raise my career average to one goal every two matches. I managed that last year, but overall I’m below it, and I must score better than one in two to level things up.” Tony’s goalscoring feats, and the general improvement in his all-round game, brought him the PFA ‘Young Player’ award, and the Fiat Young Player of the Year prize, which included a car. That meant more cuttings and photos for his bulging scrapbooks. Typical of his match comments might be the away game last season at Watford, won 2-0 by the Hammers - ‘Good performance overall on a heavy pitch. Scored a goal early on and clinched it in the last minute. I had a fair game, hit the bar from close range and scored the first goal in the 14th minute. Mark Ward made a run, Alan Devonshire took over, crossed a low ball from the right into the box. I turned a defender and hit the ball right-footed inside the far post’. Tony may be very meticulous about his record books, and dedicated to the art of scoring goals, but at the end of the day he recognises that football is a team game, and getting results as a side is what matters. He is determined not to become too selfish about his scoring. ”The team is more important than individuals, and as long as we are getting the right results overall, it doesn’t really matter who scores the goals,” says Tony. C. Chapman PART MOOM Guten tag Herr Kelly, A tribute to Mr Baker’s faux pas when he identified one of Leicester’s strikers as Cony Tottee. I discovered that when the initial letters of certain Premiership players are swapped, the consequences are equally droll as Danny’s initial inaccuracy. Here’s my Premiership XI:

COTTEE’S SCRAPBOOK Dear Dans, With regards to your category - footballers who have scrapbooks on their careers. The following appeared in a football magazine: When it comes to goalscoring Tony Cottee has everything figured out. The West Ham United striker has the facts and figures on every goal he’s ever scored, dating back to his schoolboy days. Last season 26 goals in 52 first team matches took his West Ham tally to 74 goals in 158 games, every one of them fully documented with pictures and diagrams in his scrapbook. His main record book devotes two pages to every first-team match. Included is the West Ham line-up, the result, details of scorers, attendance and notes on ground conditions. There is a summing-up of the game itself and a few notes on Tony’s own performance. Each goal he scores is described in detail along with a diagram and any photographs he can trace. Rounding off all the facts and figures are running totals for the season on his goals and how they are scored right foot, left foot and headers. There’s also a running total of the number of chances he’s had all season, again broken down into how they came to him. Last term, for example, Tony reckoned he had well over 100 scoring chances, and put around one in five of them in the back of the net. ”When I’m working things out, I’m always harsh on myself. I include half chances, blocked shots and things like that in my total of goalscoring opportunities,” says Tony. ”I’d certainly like to improve on my ratio of goals from chances. Ideally, I should be aiming for around a one-in-three success rate. ”People may think it’s silly to keep all these records, but I enjoy doing it, and in future years it will be good to look back at all the great days.

1) Part Moom (Derby) 2) Men Konkou (Southampton) 3) Furtis Cleming (Middlesbrough) 4) Dikos Nabizas (Newcastle) 5) Sobbie Ravage (Leicester) 6) Jim Wonk (Sheff Wed) 7) Fule Rox (Tottenham) 8) Wennis Dise (Chelsea) 9) Bicky Nutt (Man United) 10) Maul Person (Aston Villa) 11) Tatt Le Missier (Southampton) The manager of this team would, of course, be former Nottingham Forest and Manchester City chief Crank Flark. And the whole operation would be presided over by Minister for Sport, Bony Tanks. Jamie of Hartlepool PLAYING WITH DEATH Dear Dans, I think that you’ve finished with this category but I will, nevertheless, tell you my story. It’s about playing in a game with an injury. Almost a year ago, I had just broken into the White Swan Saturday side in the Rotherham League. I wanted to impress so I ran my socks off up front and was running the Mexboro defence ragged, having a goal disallowed and creating many chances. Just before half-time, I had a terrible pain in the chest and arms but continued not wanting to lose my big chance. After the break, it was almost unbearable but still I continued. My performance, by now, was suffering badly and I was, to my relief, replaced. I somehow made my way back to the dressing room, got changed and began to worry as I was in agony. My chest was painful and my arms became heavy. I scrambled to my car and drove the seven miles to Rotherham General Hospital, stopping numerous times to overcome dizziness and breathlessness. On arrival, I entered the accident and emergency after discarding my car with the engine still


running - and collapsed. I woke up some hours later in the coronary care unit to be informed that I had suffered a heart attack, and that I had been moments away from making the Dead XI. One year on, and I’m waiting for a heart bypass and still have the mud on my boots from the pitch that was nearly my last. Jason Holmes EPITAPHS Dear Dans,

got tanked up. About half an hour before kick-off, we left to go to the ground. On our way we entered a newsagents and, being slightly drunk, my mate decided to buy a couple of porno magazine for his perusal at home later that night. He concealed the mags in his jacket. When we got to the ground, we decided to go into the family enclosure. Twenty minutes into the game, the Swans score. While we are jumping up and down, the mags fall from his jacket to the floor and, much to my embarrassment, in full view of all the mums, dads and kids. My mate tried to gather them up while I quickly decide that now is the time to go to the toilet and leave him to face the music. When I come back, my mate is at the back of the stand looking very sheepish. He never went back to the family stand has will never buy a porno mag again.

More epitaphs: Roger Russell SIR ALF RAMSAY - ‘AI Em Dade’ ALAN SHEARER - ‘You Might Say That I’m Dead, But I’m Not Interested In Media Speculation’ JOANNE - ‘You Know, I’ve Always Been Attracted To Scythe-Carrying Skeletons’ JEFF ASTLE - ‘Any More Life?’ KEN BATES - ‘It’ll Cost You £35 To Stand There’ DAVID MELLOR - ‘£35 To Stand On Ken Bates’ Grave. That’s Another Fabulous Bargain From The People’s Chairman’ LIONEL BLAIR - ‘One Word, One Syllable. Sounds Like Bread’ JUDITH CHALMERS - ‘The View And The Nightlife Aren’t Anything To Write Home About, But It’s An Ideal Place For The Older Person’ Joe Davola of Rotherham

EPITAPHS Dear F & G, Some epitaphs: Kenny Dalglish - “I Wouldn’t Say That I’m Dead. That’s Just You Saying I’m Dead” Alan Hansen - “The Standard Of The Pallbearing Was Just Not Up To Scratch” Brian Moore - “And Here We Are At My Wedding” Nicolas Anelka - “Well, I Prefer It To London” Bob Marley - “That Damned Danny Baker” Danny Baker - “That Damned Foot-Long Sausage Sandwich”

E-MAILS Rupert Ritzig SPREADING THE NEWS Dear Dans,

COSTCUTTING

Further to your correspondent a few weeks ago who spreads the word about your show, I recently deposited a note publicising the programme in the chairman’s toilet of Leeds United. Being a member of the medical profession, I am from time to time invited to attend meetings at prestigious venues. And one such invite landed on my desk for a seminar at Elland Road.

Dear Dannys,

When I left to relieve myself, I wandered into the toilet and realised this was an opportunity too good to miss. On to a torn piece of toilet paper I wrote:

Steve Laughnan

Man City have apparently come up with an innovative idea for costcutting. They have told the St John’s Ambulance service to sling it and if anyone now croaks it at a game they will be tended to by the able and, no doubt, fully-qualified stewards.

VALE FAN TAPED BAKER AND KELLY, TALK RADIO (SATURDAYS 11.30am to 1pm, 5.30pm to 7pm). THEY’VE BEEN TOLD THINGS BY JOANNE Unfortunately, I didn’t have a camera with me but I did have some sticky tape so I taped the message on the underside of the toilet seat

Ahoy Fab & Groove, I seem to remember you asking for entries for the most pointless football video ever. If not, then can I start it off? May I be as bold to submit from my pathetic collection Port Vale v Grimsby (91/2).

Anonymous BATTERED Ahoy Dannys, I’ve two chip shop stories for you. Shortly after George Graham took over at Arsenal, we met him in a Hove chip shop prior to a Brighton v Forest League Cup tie. He explained that Arsenal were playing Forest next week and that he’d come down to do some scouting. As I remember it, he had cod and chips while I settled for fishcake and chips. Despite me giving him the benefit of my advice on all matters football, not once has he given me credit for all those cups and leagues that Arsenal won in the next few years.

Being a Vale fan exiled in Bedford, I don’t get to see the boys as much as I’d like. So during a particularly sad period of my life, video was the only way to get my Vale fix. Vale had already been relegated while Grimsby were playing for nothing. But it gets worse, much worse. Not many people would waste £13 on a video of your team losing 1-0 at home to Grimsby but my brother and I wanted to see if the camera had picked us up. We took part in a a pitch invasion at the end of game. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find ourselves in the 500 or so Vale fans in front of the main stand. Therefore, the enjoyment value of the video lasted exactly as long as it took to fast forward it to the final whistle. The tape has been gathering dust for six years. James Parton of Bedford

Following another Albion home game, we went to the chip shop (not the same one) and we stood in the queue behind an ecclesiastical looking gentleman. This chap placed an order for 64 cod and chips. The shop owner, obviously wishing to cash in, cooked all 64 portions while we waited. Can anyone top that?

OUT OF LUCK

Mark Pritchard

Birmingham City v Wolves - Tickets sent to the wrong address. Wolves win 4-0 and Darren Roberts scores a hat-trick on his debut

PORNO MAGS

Derby v Wolves - Couldn’t get a lift from Exeter at the last minute. Steve Bull scores a hat-trick and Wolves win 4-0

Dear Fabio and GrooveRider, Games I’ve had tickets for and not gone to:

Dear Dannys, Four years ago, my mate and I went to see Swansea play at home against Shrewsbury. Before the match, we went to the local pub and

Coventry v Blackburn - Fell out with girlfriend. Got off with another girl. Coventry win 5-0


And the 2 games I’ve been seconds from going to but pulled out at the last minute: Wolves v Newcastle - Wolves win 6-2 Bristol City v Wolves - Wolves win 6-1 My first ever football game ended with Coventry losing 6-1 at home to Liverpool. My first ever Wolves game saw us thrash Barnsley 5-0 at home. We’ve not been the same since.

8 Butt - Rod Price 11 Giggs - Jesse Barr 10 Sheringham - Junk Yard Dog 20 Solskjaer - Stevie Ray Aidan Mooney GOALS, GOALS, GOALS Dear Dannys,

Alex Amsel LIVERPOOL HIT LIST Hello Fabio & Grooverider, Due to the increasing loss of form, there now follows a new Liverpool top ten list to be played at Anfield: 1) ‘Embarrassment’: MADNESS 2) ‘Send In The Clowns’: KRUSTY THE CLOWN 3) ‘Misery’: THE BEATLES 4) ‘The Torture Never Stops’: FRANK ZAPPA 5) ‘Look At All Those Idiots’: SIMPSONS SING THE BLUES 6) ‘A Different Kind Of Tension’: THE BUZZCOCKS 7) ‘Fool’s Paradise’: BUDDY HOLLY 8) ‘A Cryin’ Shame’: CLEO LAINE 9) ‘A Heart Of Glass’: THIS MORTAL COIL 10) ‘Half Laughing, Half Crying’: MEL TILLIS I can’t wait to hear some of these tunes replace ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ on my next visit to Anfield.

One of your topics is high scoring games which reminds me of a match between Aberdeen and Greenock Morton in the League Cup a couple of seasons ago. The score line was 3-3 after 90 minutes. We were 2-0 up after an hour and looked home and dry. Unfortunately, Morton thought otherwise and proceeded to score three goals in the last fifteen minutes. But luckily for us, Billy Dodds scored a penalty in stoppage time to complete his hat trick and take the tie into extra time. We scored towards the end of the first period and then bagged another three in the second period making the final score 7-3 after. Amazingly, ONE player scored all four extra time goals. It was none other than Dean Windass, the player described on your show as “a bit tubby”. This must be some sort of record. While on the subject of high scoring encounters, back in 1992 Aberdeen beat Partick Thistle 7-0, then Hearts 6-2 in the next game and Airdrie 7-0 later in the season. Power The Internet Surfer KILLER KILCLINE Hello Dannys,

Mark of Streatham MORE EPITAPHS Dear Dannys, A list of epitaphs: Alan Ball - “Have You Seen My World Cup Winners Coffin?” Terry Venables - “Please Post Any Envelopes In the Letterbox Provided” Alex Ferguson - “No More Injury Time Left” David Howells - “Now I’m Really Doing The Gardening” John Motson - “And Did You Know I Died In The year 2025. Amazing” Pierre Van Hooijdonk - “And I Thought Forest Was Hell!”

My chum Martyn recently regaled you with a story about Brian “Killer” Kilcline and his wicked ways. Martyn and I both worked on a football chat show for Tyne Tees TV on which Kilcline was a guest. In the hospitality suite of a hotel after the show, Kilcline told us about his Gothic-sounding wife’s collection of human-sized Victorian mannequins, which for some reason had their heads removed and were stored beneath her bed. What Martyn didn’t tell you was that Kilcline offered the following as a conversational gambit during the evening: “Do you know the best way to kill a man? Get a nine-inch Victorian hatpin and plunge it into the pupil of one of his eyes. It leaves no trace.” Ian Bevitt

Nathan Kosky

THE SHOW

GINOLA IS DR.DEATH

TV GETS AXED, GRAHAM KELLY SPEAKS OUT, REF RUINED MY RELATIONSHIP, WHY I LOVE FOOTBALL PLUS MORE

Dear Danny and Danny, I’ve matched up the squad numbers from the recent Tottenham v Manchester United game to the top 500 professional wrestlers of 1992, according to ProWrestling Illustrated magazine. The Spurs players are matched to numbers from one onwards, and United’s from number 201 onwards: SPURS 1 Walker - Sting 2 Carr - ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage 32 Young - Flyin’ Brian Pillman 23 Campbell - Big Boss Man 22 Sinton - The Million Dollar Man 7 Fox - Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler 9 Anderton - The Ultimate Warrior 6 Nielsen - Ricky ‘The Dragon’ Steamboat 14 Ginola - ‘Dr. Death’ Steve Williams 10 Ferdinand - Steve Austin 11 Armstrong - Hulk Hogan

Dave’s ex-wife was fed up having to watch football on TV so she decided to get some revenge by setting fire to the curtains. That didn’t seem to have the desired effect so she went and got an axe and smashed the TV. Dave divorced her the following year. Christian loves football because it got him a job. He managed to get through to the interview stage for a job by “embellishing” his CV. But because he knew nothing about the company, he had to think fast in the chief executive’s office. He saw some pictures of Millwall players and decided to bring that up in the conversation. He was still in the room an hour later. The chief executive turned out to be Millwall director Peter Mead. Dave is a fan of Irish side Bangor. The Irish FA decided to change the format of the league by relegating four teams over TWO seasons. The sides with the worst record over the two terms would go down. Bangor had a good first year and finished seventh. But they followed that up with a disastrous season. They had to LOSE their last game so that the opposition could claim enough points to relegate another side instead of Bangor.

MAN UNITED

Sarah loves football because it impresses blokes and “it’s a pulling thing”.

1 Schmeichel - Dan Kroffat 2 Gary Neville - Ron “The Bruise Brother” Harris 6 Stam - Tugboat Taylor (once a tugboat, always a tugboat) 5 Johnsen Mitsuharu Misawa 12 Phil Neville - Black Bart 7 Beckham - TasManiac 16 Keane - Mondo Kleen

Jo spent yesterday night with beau #3. She’s going to Barcelona for Christmas. beau #3 is her favourite but “it’s just a sex thing,” according to Jo. She got back with beau #2 this week. He bought her some sexy underwear for a Christmas present. “I didn’t wear the items but I slept with him anyway,” said Jo. Jo is on the trail of beau #5, who she met on Saturday. She claimed to have pulled him by wearing a short skirt. “He asked me if I was beau #3’s girlfriend,” said Jo. He gave her his phone


number. Beau #3 got Jo a nice little gift - a brand-new car.

SIX CRUSHED BY GIANT JOSS STICKS

James’ girlfriend complained he was a football anorak so he took her to France to patch up their relationship. Up the Eiffel Tower they went, hand in hand and gazing into each other’s eyes like two lovesick prepubescents. But halfway up, James stopped. He saw a football match down below and swore blind that the referee had failed to spot a blatant offside. “That’s it,” stormed his lover, and off she went. Broadcaster Paul Ross described his first football commentary job. He was sent to cover Exeter v Bristol Rovers. It was injury time when they went over live to him - and suddenly a goal went in. “They cut me off,” moaned Paul, who’d been lost for words when he went live as he’d failed to spot the important goalmouth action. “I got an official letter of reprimand for exposing the Express and Echo to ridicule,” he stormed. Jane is a florist and used to do bouquets for the Dalglish family. Her colleague is an Evertonian. One day Jane was busy and her work partner had to complete the Dalglish order. The flowers were sent out as ordered - with a small bonus. The colleague had made an arrangement that read: “Die Liverpool, Die”. Former Football Association chief executive Graham Kelly was forced to ring in after hearing an argument between the two Dannys about whether there was a gulf in class between the top sides in the football league. But before joining the debate, Graham said he felt “wonderful”, “free” and “liberated”, following his much-publicised exit from the FA. He claimed football wasn’t much different in the “good old days” and the Matthews final “felt like it went on for five hours”. “Players cancel each other out nowadays,” said Kelly. And he labelled Mr Baker, who suggested that, unlike today, top teams in the past really were strides ahead of other sides, an “incurable romantic”. Danny B thought Graham was ringing from Wales where “he’d gone with the £3m he’d nicked”. That was the information Danny said he’d received via a phone call from the Times newspaper, and he’d based the contents of his column on the information from that phone call! Graham was involved in a game that saw his side reduced to ten men and go a goal down WITHOUT his team touching the ball. His side kicked off and one of the players thought it would be a laugh to score an own goal. He walloped the ball into the back of the net after dribbling towards his own goal. The referee sent him off for his ungentlemanly conduct.

This clipping was sent in by Jason Dean of Larkhall. He tells us that he’s between girlfriends at the moment but has the “jaunty” Joanne to see him through those cold, dark nights. “Like many, I have been mulling over the Jo conundrum until this week I believe out heroine let slip that golden nugget that unfortunately could be her Golgotha,” Jason writes. You could not be more wrong with your Beau selections! NORWICH NEED A SCOUT

This advert appeared in the sports pages of the Daily Express. Applications should be sent to: Bruce Rioch, First Team Manager, Norwich City F.C., Carrow Road, Norwich, NR1 1JE. _____________________________________________________________ 04 JANUARY 1999 LETTERS DIRTY PLAY

Barry will never forget his visit to the Dell in 1978. There was rioting. He remembers seeing a troublemaker being ejected out of the stands but his artificial leg got left behind. “He was helped out of the ground by two coppers. A WPC walked behind them, holding his fake leg,” he said. Tino did the first ever radio commentary on Escalardo, a horse racing board game. Each member of the Baker & Kelly team picked a horse and off they went. Danny B’s horse - Longshot - won by a (plastic) neck. David described his Subbuteo set-up. Instead of normal football spectators, he used army figures. “This meant that there were snipers in the crowd,” he said. PICTURES FEELING A BIT OFF COLOUR

This highly-amusing picture of Mansfield keeper Ian Bowling appeared in the Sheffield edition of The Green’ Un. Bowling is colour blind and was not too happy when his team’s match against Barnet was chosen as the first game to use the new fluoresecent football. He’d got away with his secret until now - but he needn’t have bothered worried as Mansfield thrashed the Bees 5-0. “It took me all these years just to get used to the pink ball,” he’s quoted as saying. Ball manufacturers Mitre were so impressed with Bowling’s display that they’ve approached his agent to set up a glove deal.

Dear Danny and Danny, I was a university student in the early 1990s. Rather then mixing with other students and going to grotty pubs, my mate and I used to visit the more trendy venues in the town. Our long, shiny, dark hair and tight fitting dresses meant we were never subject to the sort of verbal abuse that other students receive. We sought male company which would fit our typical lifestyles - good looks, designer suits and the willingness to buy a woman a drink and show her a good time were more the vogue in the bars and clubs we preferred to the student union. One Saturday, we were in the hippest café/bar and looking for love. We noticed a group of confident, well-dressed blokes at the bar enjoying the attention or several young women but also a number of young men. On closer inspection, I recognised several members of this group as being players from the local football team (a Premiership club). I singled out my target and got his attention by deliberately, but subtly, bumping into him on my way to the bar. To steady myself, I put out my hand and took a firm grip of the outside of his solid thigh. It had the desired effect. He introduced himself by saying his name and who he played for. I knew who it was. We moved on with this group to a nightclub and at the end of the night the footballer asked me for my number. A couple of days later, I was surprised when he rang and so began a brief, but passionate, affair. One night we went for a romantic meal. He paid (of course) and then suggested we returned to a room he’d booked in a local hotel. In the room, there was champagne in the cooler. He quickly relieved me of my dress. We frolicked on the bed. At this point in out playfulness, I think I must have accidentally scratched him or caught him with one of my long nails. Whereas previously he’d been passionate, this time was different. He went mad. He yelled at me and then slapped me. I let out a scream and he hit me again. I got up grabbed my dress and ran out of the door. I would dearly like to hope that this episode cost him severely, be way of cash settlements, to informally compensate any upset hotel staff. This was my first and last romantic liaison with a footballer. I never heard or saw the woman-beating tugboat again. There’s no happy ending, but I’ve taken considerable pleasure from seeing the tugboat’s career wane ever since this incident. Suzie


HAMMER BLOW Dear Dannys, A crowd of us used to travel from Essex to watch Chelsea in the 78/9 season. One lad known as Hop-a-long Mick used to come with us. At the age of ten, Hop-a-long had an unfortunate accident involving an Eastern National Bus, which left him with an artificial limb from the left knee down. The game this story relates to took place around February. We were involved in a relegation battle and we had a real four-pointer at home to Birmingham. We took our places in the Shed and hoped and prayed for a rare victory. The game was crap and with about ten minutes left the score was 1-1. Then a 20-yearder from Ray Wilkins flew into the net and the Shed erupted. After everyone had calmed down, I saw Hop-a-long sitting down on the terrace. At first glance I thought he couldn’t bear to watch the last five minutes but it turned out that in the excitement someone had trod on his left heel and his foot had snapped off. At the end of the game, two of us carried Hop-a-long, and one lad followed behind holding the shoe attached to the artificial foot. We made our way to Fulham Broadway station where the ticket inspector asked: “Tickets please.” “It’s alright, mate,” we replied. “His foots fallen off.” And we held up the artificial limb as if this was a perfectly feasible excuse for bunking the fare. We all piled on a packed train and asked if Hop-a-long could have a seat. A tattooed Neanderthal, who had muscled his way to the nearest seat, growled: “Why the tugboat should he have a seat?” We held up the limb and said: “His foots come off.” The Neanderthal turned a strange colour before standing up and forcing his way down the carriage to where he could stick his head out of the window in the connecting doors. Hop-along got his seat and spent the rest of the journey hoping we wouldn’t run into an angry gang of West Ham fans when we had to change trains at Mile End. We were relegated that season. Tony Best of Chelmsford TERRIBLE TOMMO

A third ball appeared. As we approached half time, Greyfriars took the lead. One of our midfielders got angry and hoofed the ball majestically into the Soar. Two Greyfriars players gave him a severe beating and were given their marching orders. (seven against seven). Just before half time, the player who’d gone after the first ball returned. He would not go after the third ball so the captain went after it. At half time, four of our absent players appeared. They quickly changed and the second half got under way. The opposition’s skipper had, by this time, returned (eleven against eight). With superior numbers and greater skill, we took the lead. Their captain later went off with hypothermia (eleven against seven). The final score was 4-1 in our favour. We never did find out what happened to the player who went after the second ball. Niles Holroyde of Leicester SEXY DONS Dear Dans, I’ve matched squad numbers of Wimbledon’s starting XI against Coventry (December 5) to exotic love making positions in Anne Hooper’s ‘Kama Sutra’: 1 Neil Sullivan - Yawning Position 2 Kenny Cunningham - Variant Yawning Position (the deepest penetration, giving intense pleasure to both partners) 4 Chris Perry - Wife Of Indra Position (achievable only by the loosest of limb) 5 Dean Blackwell - Side-By-Side Clasping Position 6 Ben Thatcher - Clasping Position 16 Michael Hughes - The Crab’s Position (highly pleasurable) 8 Robbie Earle - The Twining Position 9 Efan Ekoku - The Mare’s Position 11 Marcus Gayle - The Half-Pressed Position 12 Neil Ardley - The Splitting Of A Bamboo (a stimulating cycle of movements for both partners) 20 Jason Euell - The Pair Of Tongs (penetration is deep)

Dear Danny and Danny, Aled Thomas of Cheltenham I’ve heard mentioned in a previous programme a friend of mine. He is Neil Thompson, the former Ipswich, Barnsley, Scarborough and York player. He was the pro footballer who used to sell nappies for a living when he was a semi-pro at Scarborough. Tommo was able to give up his day job when he signed for Ipswich. Following on from the feature on your show about sides letting in seven or eight goals, Neil’s exploits at the Theatre of Dreams (or nightmares) warrant a mention. Living near Manchester, I have been able to see him play twice at Old Trafford. In the season Ipswich were relegated from the Premiership, Andy Cole bagged five and Ipswich lost 9-0. Neil then moved to Barnsley, helped them gain promotion to the Premiership and appeared again at Old Trafford -this time the score was only 7-0. He is a defender but was entirely blameless in the two games. Simon Ashton AMAZING FOOTBALL MATCH Dear Dannys, In January 1984, Greyfriars - a team from the local social security office - played Leicester City Planners in the Leicester Sunday Municipal League. It was a bitterly cold morning and a heavy dusting of snow covered the ground. Several members of my team, clearly feeling that play would be impossible, decided not to turn up. But seven players did turn up. Two other games due to take place at the same time were postponed but our match was given the go-ahead by the referee, despite no discernible pitch markings and no orange ball. The game kicked off with us adopting a 4-1-1 formation against 11 men. After 20 minutes, there was an incident that turned the match on its head. A perfectly-executed slide tackle by our left back, the sort you can only do in frozen conditions, sent the match ball - with the help of a blustery, cold east wind - skittering over the ground for about 60 yards and it disappeared down an embankment into the river Soar. Being the home team and therefore providers of the ball, Greyfriars had a vested interest in retrieving it (balls cost £30 each). We acknowledged that the last touch was ours but pointed out that if we sent a player after it, the match would have to be abandoned as the league operated a minimum requirement of at least seven players. The Greyfriars captain stepped in to settle matters and selected his most ineffective player to fetch the ball. We worked out later that the ball was at least a quarter of a mile downstream by now. The match resumed with a second match ball - it was now seven against ten. A powerfully driven cross was then blocked by one of our players and the second ball went the same way as the first. A second Greyfriars player drew the short straw and departed downstream. The first player had still not returned (seven against nine).

HARSH DECISION DAD Dear Fabio and GrooverRider, A mate of mine, who is a referee, blows his whistle to people in his everyday life and has been doing so for the past 12 years. The first time he produced the red cars was a joke. He had been officiating a night match and had arranged to meet us for a drink. He came straight from the match and so had all his kit and equipment in a bag in his car. Unknown to us, he had brought his cards into the nightclub with him and at some point, he started chatting up a girl. They were getting in quite well. We saw him take out a pen and a piece of paper and heard him ask for her name and phone number. But then he reached into his pocket and showed the girl a red card, pointing to the exit as he did this - he ended up pulling her. He is now a happily married man (not to her) and has two young sons. I occasionally go to his home and am surprised by the way he controls his children. If they’re too noisy, he blows his referee’s whistle. If they continue to misbehave, he then shows them a yellow card. He even has a rulebook attached to the wall. It states that if they continue to misbehave and receive a second caution in a day, he will reduce their pocket money for the week - the total amount being decided by him depending on the seriousness of the incident. If one day they receive an automatic red card, they are either sent to their room or have luxuries, such as snacks or computer time, taken away. Both are taken away if they get sent off twice in a day, and they receive no pocket money for one or two weeks. I’m playing in a game refereed by this person in a few weeks. I imagine my excellent disciplinary record will soon be tarnished. Nicky Barnes WALSALL WOLFMAN Dear Dans, I’m a Walsall fan and we have a Wolfman who goes to home and away games. He is a strange looking young man who insists on collecting empty cups from the floor. He has a shocking mop of brown, almost ginger hair and canine-type features. When the Walsall fans cry ‘Woolfie’, he comes to life. He produces a wolf mask and a pair of hairy gloves, which have claws, from his Tesco bag and puts them on. At away games, he also wears a policeman’s helmet and at Wrexham earlier this season, he wore a World War II army uniform. Adam Blackwood of Willenhall


E-MAILS ALL FIRED UP

later you’ll get buried’ GLEN HODDLE: ‘You were right then, Eileen’ MICK CHANNON: ‘You’ve got to get bodies in the box’

Dear Dans,

Alistair Coleman of Reading

I work for a major international oil company. A few years ago I was with a team in Azerbaijan shooting seismic - an oil exploration technique the details of which need not trouble us here. For protection against being kidnapped, a local 18-year-old conscript soldier had been assigned to our group. One day we were playing a match against another bunch of ex-pats, while our armed guard amused himself by getting whacked out of his mind. I’d like to say he got drunk on fermented yak’s milk, but in fact it was expensive malt whisky which my company had distributed among the locals to grease the wheels of industry and cement international relations. Towards the end of a hitherto uncontroversial contest, a penalty was awarded to my team. A big driller called Hep lumbered forward to take it. As Hep swung his mighty boot at the ball, it vanished and Hep’s foot wafted ineffectively at thin air. A split second later a sharp crack from the sideline solved the mystery. Our bored - and now out of his box - guard had taken a pot shot with his rifle at the stationary ball and hit it. When I went to examine the ball, which was of an all-rubber basketballtype configuration, I found that the shot must have just clipped the top of it. It had split vertically down its seams into four equal-sized pieces, which had fallen to earth encircling the penalty spot like the petals of a giant orange lotus blossom. Peace man.

STEALING THE MATCHBALL Dear Dannys, You were asking about footballs from matches that had fallen into private hands. My mate, Del, presented me with the ball used to kick-off Welling United’s pre-season friendly against west Ham in 1988. Del lived across the road from Welling’s ground and thought he’d go along to the match. The game had started when he left home. As he crossed the road to the ground, the ball came over the stadium wall. Del picked it up and slipped it indoors. When he came out a few seconds later, half a dozen lads were running aimlessly in all directions, looking under cars and generally scratching their heads. No-one can remember the final score, although Welling probably lost. After our Sunday team had been kicking our new ball around in one or two games, you couldn’t really tell it apart from any of the other balls in the bag. Nothing to do with football, but a new category - shops that sell contrasting items. In 1997, my milkman delivered milk, butter, bread and fireworks! Dave Gilbert

Alec Banks

THE SHOW

NEW BALL GAME

SPURS PYJAMAS, PLAYER SELLS PROGRAMMES, MISTER MEN XI, NEWSPAPERS ON FIRE, CONCUSSION PLUS MORE

Ahoy-hoy, Fab and Groove, I have a home-made soccer game to add to your compendium. Following Danny B’s tale of playing with a ball cock and a coffee table in a game based on football, I have to tell you about a game my brother and I invented at Christmas a few years ago. The main component of this game was a Christmas tree bauble - we used one covered in red thread. When the novelty of opening presents had worn off, the bauble became the centre of a game we called ‘puck-a-duck’. One doorway and the edge of the dining room rug became goals, which had to be defended. Puck-a-duck is played on hands and knees, in the same style as Danny’s game from the 1970s , but with two players and with the added spice of watching the red thread unravel. Hours of fun were had, particularly when the cat became a third player - attracted by the shiny yards of thread and the puck flying at supersonic speeds. Richard Davies PETIT DEBUT Dear Dannys, Did you see Arsenal star Emmanuel Petit’s acting debut? It was on Carlton’s ‘The Bill’ during the festive season. At the end of one scene, the plaster cast on a hit-and-run victim was shown. The writing in black felt tip, allegedly penned by Petit, read: “MANU PETIT”. Is this a tongue in cheek comment about United’s side boasting small men, or is it a plea from the French man to play for the greatest club in the land? Bill Jones FLOGGED TO DEATH Dear Dan and Dan,

Gillian wanted advice to “impress her husband”. She didn’t support a team and wanted to know what the best side to follow was. “He’s made an effort to follow my netball so I should get into football,” she said. The letters on the back of netball shirts were a turn on, according to Danny B. Steve White sold his own testimonial programmes outside Swindon Town FC, said Steven. The Robins striker had a match against Bristol City to celebrate his time at the club. The following game Steve went to buy a matchday magazine and, to his surprise, found White selling programmes from HIS match. Alan reckons Gillian should follow Brentford as “they are going places”. He reckons they have a great manager and three great coaches. John took five newspapers with him on a train on his way to a match at Preston. When he arrived at Deepdale, a steward asked him to open the contents of his bag. When the official saw the five newspapers, he wouldn’t let John in the ground. Apparently, during a previous home game, a fan had set fire to a bundle of newspapers and thrown them in the air. His advice to John was to put them in a dustbin and collect them after the game. Mark refused to agree with the two Dannys that there was nothing worthy to talk about on FA Cup third round day. Dave Bassett, the Forest boss, wouldn’t stop leaping off the bench during his side’s match against Portsmouth, shouting and encouraging his team. Forest lost 1-0, a result that could see Bassett’s exit from the club. But he never faced the music after the game, deciding not to turn up for the press conference. The reason? He’d caught the flu. An odd place spotted by Geoff that had football graffiti was on a statue of Lenin in Bulgaria. The words ‘Charlton Athletic FC’ were etched in the plinth. Peter was sick on former Wimbledon and Crystal Palace defender Eric Young, a player who knew his sister and brother but not him. Peter had been drinking and went to the loo in a pub. When Young popped his head in, Peter was sick all over him.

At the risk of flogging this one to, here are some more football epitaphs: ALAN HANSEN: ‘Och, he’ll be very disappointed with the standard of medical care’ DAVID BECKHAM: ‘In a posh box - Again’ TEDDY SHERINGHAM: ‘Transferred to Hades United to win medals’ DARREN ANDERTON: ‘See, I told you I was injured’ IAN WRIGHT: ‘And the next guest on my chat show is the man who ends worlds, the ultimate Omega, the one certainty in life. Welcome the Grim Reaper himself - it’s Death’ ALEX FERGUSON: ‘By my watch I’ve got at least another six minutes’ PAUL MERSON: ‘If you spend all week at an undertaker’s, sooner or

John pointed out that Tony Adams, the injury prone Arsenal skipper, hasn’t played in any of his side’s Christmas fixtures for years. He spotted him at Centre Parks during the festive season, relaxing with his wife in his own chalet. Steven suffered concussion during a game of football, and then decided to leap like a salmon in his own penalty area when the opposition took a corner - and catch the ball with his hands. The outfield player didn’t know what he was doing but thought, as he was wearing gloves (on a cold day), he must have been the custodian. His team mates never forgave him and during an end-of-season tour, there


was a big fight, with Steven at the centre of it. He ended up in hospital the next day after again suffering concussion.

CONSUMER TERRORISM PART TWO

Lawrence came up with a Mister Men XI, featuring Mr Tickle in goal and a central defensive pairing of Mr Jelly and Mr Slow. Mr Greedy and Mr Tall provided a lethal strike force up front. The midfield consisted of Mr Lazy, Mr impossible, his record signing, Mr Bump and Mr Clever, who had been the target of the boo-boys at the club. Graham spotted a mural of Arsenal - in Mauritius. It featured paintings of all the players plus George Graham. Steve came up with the list of Superman’s Superpets. He named Krypto (dog), Comet (horse), Streaky (cat) and Beppo (monkey). Jonathan was not happy with his mum at Christmas. She’d decided to buy the Rotherham fan a pair of Spurs pyjamas “because they were cheap”. It was either that or Little Pony pyjamas, according to his mum. “I’d have preferred the pony ones,” moaned Jonathan. But Barry, who works for Pukka Pies, sponsors of Rotherham striker Lee Glover, came to Jonathan’s rescue. He very kindly offered to sort out a bag of Rotherham goodies for him. PICTURES ANTI-COLLYMORE CAMPAIGN

Stuart Aspinall has continued his one-man crusade to spread the word about the Baker and Kelly show. Stuart walks into High Street outlets with home made adverts, such as the one above, and plants them in all sorts of peculiar places - in the covers of LPs, toys and on walls. But his latest mission went pear shaped. After making last-minute adjustments to his plan in the toilet at work - a period he calls “the zone” - he heads off to HMV in Manchester where he makes a successful “hit”, depositing a note in an Elmo Williams CD. He then headed for the toy department of John Lewis and inserted another advert in a Matchbox Service Station. The final note was placed in a Lucky Ducks game, which didn’t prove too lucky for Stuart. The act done, he was approached by a member of staff and asked to leave the building. Stuart headed back to the comfort of the toilet “fuming at the nerve of that corporate tugboat”. “He may have won this time, but they shall be feeling the wrath of my vengeance in the near future,” said Stuart. I bet they’re scared. MAKE YOUR OWN KEN BATES

John Keen, the self-confessed founder and leader of the Anti-Stanley Collymore Society (ASCS) has just started work on a new Internet devoted to his hatred of the Villa striker. And he now has a second bedroom wall covered with anti-Collymore pictures and news cuttings. “I noticed that he took a recent Saturday off when Villa drew with Nottingham Forest, the tugboat isn’t as hard as he looks,” said Keen, of Newton Abbot. “The tone in his voice is a bit camp too.” WHY MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME

Here’s Baker and Kelly’s step-by-step guide to turning your garden gnome into Chelsea’s outspoken chairman Ken Bates: Add a white beard and moustache and, er, that’s it. _____________________________________________________________ 11 JANUARY 1999 LETTERS WORLD’S MOST SUPERSTITIOUS PLAYER Dear Mr Baker and Mr Kelly, This is taken from The Topical Times Football Book 1976:

Paris is the city where romance never dies, unless your name happens to be James. James was having problems with his girlfriend and decided to take her to Paris to try and patch up their relationship. Things seemed to be going well. The couple had played hide the sausage, and the trip seemed to work wonders. But our James is a football anorak, and what should have been a pleasant day out visiting all the famous sites turned into a nightmare. James and his girlfriend were heading up the Eiffel Tower when he spotted a football match down below. He had to stop. His girlfriend mumbled something but James was already firmly fixed on the action. Things came to a head when James spotted a blatant off-side that the referee missed and stormed: “That was clearly on-side ref.” “That’s it,” stormed his lover, and off she went. James never saw her again. The picture above, sent in by Margaret of Orpington, shows the football pitch definitely exists. It was taken three years ago “from a lady who only watches football when Great Britain is in the World Cup”.

On the day he played his first game for Partick Thistle’s league team, goalkeeper Alan Rough got a gift from a fan. He was making for the players’ entrance when an old gentleman stepped forward, wished him every success, and slipped a key ring with a thistle motif into Alan’s hand. “There and then I decided this was to be my lucky charm,” says Alan - and so started on the road to becoming football’s most superstitious player. “As the years went on, I picked up more and more talismen and superstitious gimmicks. Now I go in fear of missing out some part of my match-day routine. Let me tell you how a ‘normal’ Saturday goes for me nowadays. The performance begins early. I must not shave on home matches, for a start. Then, before I leave home, I check to see I’m fully stocked with charms. “There’s the key ring, of course. And an old tennis ball and a miniature football boot I found in my goal-net one afternoon. Also a small, star-shaped medal. I wouldn’t leave without them. “One in the team dressing-room, phase two begins. I head straight for my peg - number 13, naturally - and lay out my gear. Underneath my ‘keeper’s sweater I wear an old-style Partick Thistle No.11 jersey. “Before the team goes out on to the field, I must bounce the ball off the tunnel wall three times. Yes, just for luck. “Even then I’m not finished. As I approach my goal, I kick the ball into the empty net. If I miss, I feel terrible for the rest of the afternoon. “Throughout a game I have one further ritual to carry out. In my cap I keep a few handkerchiefs. Because I believe it’s lucky for me to blow my nose as


often as possible during a match. “You can see I have a lot on my plate each week. Of course, the routine doesn’t always work. I’d be the greatest goalkeeper in the business if it did. “But I’m so superstitious now I don’t think I could play without first going through these preparations. And nothing discourages me, not even a seven-goal hammering. I remember one thinking it would be lucky to wear two odd gloves against Celtic at Parkhead. One was black, the other white. At half-time, as we were already three down, I decided the experience had been a flop. “I got out an old straight yellow pair. And, would you believe it, I lost FOUR goals in the second half!” Wayne Hubbard of Norwich HATS OFF TO ALAN Part one in a series of hilarious football incidents that probably won’t ever be repeated. This week, we focus on the world’s most superstitious footballer, former Scotland goalkeeper Alan Rough. In an article written by Alan Fraser in October 17’s Daily Mail, the former Partick Thistle and Hibernian shot stopper relives a viciously funny incident while representing his country in a match against Wales in 1985 that will leave you bereft of ribs: ”......in truth we were mucking about, as substitutes do at half-time. Actually, the Welsh Dragoon Guards were playing and we were trying to knock their hats off with a ball”.

E-MAILS CHRISTMAS WITH TONY ADAMS Dear Dannys, This article recently appeared in our local paper, the Newmarket Journal. It follows up a story on your show about Tony Adams being at Center Parcs over Christmas: YOUNG FANS GET TO PLAY BALL WITH SOCCER HERO Football fans in Mildenhall kicked off the New year with a surprise appearance from one of their football heroes. On New Years Day, four upper school boys were wandering past their school field when they noticed two men in training. One of the boys, an Arsenal fan, noticed that the men included Tony Adams, the Arsenal and England defender. He rushed over to confirm he was not dreaming and because he was wearing an Arsenal shirt, he and his friends were offered a game, which lasted nearly an hour. The Arsenal captain had been staying at Center Parcs for part of the Christmas break with the team fitness trainer, Tony Colbert, a former pupil of Mildenhall Upper School, whose parents live in Chestnut Close, Mildenhall. Before he went to see his parents Mr Colbert, 35, took a trip down memory lane to visit his old school and do some training with Adams. So Tony Adams would rather play on our school field over Christmas than at Highbury. Pamela Craig

G.S. Burgoyne of West Sussex SIX INCHER DANGEROUS ACTS Dear Dannys, On the subject of dangerous acts performed in one’s childhood, something that my friends and I did in our early teens was to stretch two pence pieces. You may be wondering how 13-year-old boys can stretch coins of the realm. Two words: British Rail. Close to our neighbourhood at the time was a railway line, and of course there is always a gap in the fence enabling members of the public to take short cuts. We used to fix one pence and two pence coins to the track with Blu-Tac - necessary as the vibrations of the track caused by the approaching train meant that the coin dropped off. As the train went over the coin it was gradually flattened and stretched, completely obliterating Her Majesty’s visage. The longer the train, the further the coin was stretched. We used to compete against each other to see whose coin was stretched the most. Call me irresponsible if you want, but we never tried it with anything thicker than two pence for fear of derailing the train. Mike Hobson of Melton Mowbray

Dannys, Two games that kept me happy at school: You may remember artificial sodium chloride molecules from the school’s science lab made from many polystyrene balls. One of the atoms removed from the model made the ball we used in a game called ‘molecular soccer’. There was a spare bit of corridor outside the music room at Wade Deacon Grammar School in Widnes with a superb playing surface. And, since it was at the end of the corridor, there was no through traffic. It enjoyed solid double doors between it and the rest of the school - an ideal stadium for good tournaments, especially when there was no music master. The problem came when, after a year, our sodium chloride was reduced to very few atoms. Did you ever play rugby with a six inch ruler? This was the ultimate in cheap games, and involved using a table and a ruler. No coins were involved. The players at either end of the table had to push the ruler back and fro, attempting to make the ruler stop partly hanging over the opposite edge. That scored you ‘a try’. To score ‘a conversion’, the other person had to make posts - forefinger and thumbs from both hands inverted - and the try scorer then had to hit the ruler over the crossbar. This, in my book, was much better than any coin game.

MOSHI, MOSHI

John Whitfield of Chorleywood

Dear F and G, The Japanese answer the phone with the words “moshi, moshi”, which are ONLY used when picking up the phone and at no other time.

MY FIRST TIME

Ian Gardner of Northampton HANDS OFF MY SISTER Dear Danny and Danny, I’ve been a long time listener of the show and, due to the fact that recently virtually all calls have involved sex, I feel I must contribute this story. One of my best mates was a member of his club’s successful youth team and played for England at his age group. The night his team won a big competition, I was invited to join the squad in a boozer five minute’s walk from the club’s famous ground. After many cold drinks had been consumed, I invited my friend, along with a more famous member of the team who has gone on to bigger and better things, to come back to my house as my parents were away. This player now scores regularly, but not as many times as he did with my younger SISTER that night. As I was drooling in a semi-coherent state downstairs, he’d managed to take a wrong turn and ended up disturbing her late night’s GCSE revision. I only found out about that the next day when I saw him sprawled naked across her floor with several reminders of the night’s events scattered around him. Being bigger than the tugboat, I ejected him from my house but not before I had emptied the contents of my bladder on his designer-label shirt. Ryan

Dear Dannys, Do you remember the first goal you ever scored playing football? I was aged about 4 or 5, and, er, playing football. Being that young, I didn’t get the ball much, but on that afternoon Robert Parkin squared the ball and I tucked it away past Patrick Gamble. James Bell was picking daisy chains again. David Hamilton GINOLIO Dear Dannys, An interesting game you can play with the name of foreign footballers is to translate them into their English sounding equivalent. For example, Jimmy Hill lookalike, Croatia’s Davor Suker, can be more easily pronounced as Dave Sugar. And France’s World Cup winning coach, Aimes Jacquet, is more easily described as Love the Jacket. Adding completely irrelevant letters to the surnames of players often helps to describe them better. Those annoying Neville brothers at Manchester United, as an example, should be referred to as the Snivells. Finally, asking your wife to name foreign footballers can also produce some interesting names. Mine refers to David Ginola as Ginolio (possibly his Brazilian cousin), and Gianluca Vialli as Tony Bungalees. Nigel Goddard


NOEL’S INSPIRATION Dannys, Your first radio endurance test brought up how different people in different countries answer the telephone. Mr Noel Gallagher, of top rockers Oasis, said on Radio One that he got the inspiration for the title of the group’s second album from when a kid in the United States answered the phone by saying: “What’s the story? Morning Glory”. Paul Fallon

implications of “Birds of a Feather”. Although I will be the first to agree that this represents some of Solzhenitsyn’s more accessible work, I feel unable to tolerate this drop in Talking Radio’s otherwise average standards. Therefore, if the content of your nascent program is not of a standard to which I have come to accept, I will be forced to take the following step: I am in possession of full knowledge of the location of the chip shop in Coventry frequented by Steve Ogrizovic, and occasionally Jimmy Krankie, and will begin creating dodgy pictures involving either of your good selves and the aforementioned, and place them around the shop in poster form. Carlton Palmerdadze of Somerset

MANURE’S OFF THE SHOW Hello Dans, I’ve been playing park football for 17 years and I’ve come across at least one ref a season who hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing. I was booked by one while playing in goal - for not connecting with an indirect free kick. From 30 yards out, the kick went straight into the back of the net. Despite my dying swan impressions, the referee gave a goal. Upon protestations that it was an indirect free kick, the ref asked me if I had touched the ball before it crossed the line. Me thinking ‘indirect - do not touch’, I said that no contact was made. The man in black promptly called me a liar, booked me for ungentlemanly conduct, and awarded a goal. Needless to say, tempers flared and in the ensuing 18-man brawl we had two players sent off. They had a further two booked. The game ended 2-2 and, as normal, we all had a drink in the bar afterwards and talked about the tuboating ref. Unfortunately, in the return league fixture, we had another almighty scrap which saw two more players sent off one from each team. Billy Menmuir (pronounced Men-m-your) Please pronounce this correctly as I have suffered all my life with people pronouncing it manure. Say manure over the air and I will make it my personal quest to end both your lives. NO RELIEF Ahoy Fab & Groove, I have a sending off before a game has even started. It happened a few weeks ago. A local park side had just put the nets up and were all out on the pitch waiting to kick-off. The referee was idling in the centre and the player manager of the home side took this opportunity to relieve himself behind the goal. He returned and gave a team talk. In the middle of this, the referee called him over and sent him off for peeing in a public place. After calling the ref all the names under the sun, he went home so the game was played with a different ref. On the subject of naff boots, I had a pair of Winfield Cheetahs when I was 10. The redeeming feature of these boots was that they had 19 studs on each boot, moulded of course. At the time we thought that this made them dead good. Paul SUNDERLAND’S FLAMING FISH MAN Dear Hubris & Hubris, In the fine tradition of your lists, I bring you the Sunderland players that faced Lincoln in this season’s FA Cup as the episode titles of fantasycomedy animation series, Slayers. The titles had to be translated by Software Sculptors, who released the series in America. 1. Thomas Sorensen - LINA’S FURIOUS DRAGON SLAVE 2. Chris Makin - MUMMY-MEN AREN’T MY TYPE 3. Martin Scott - RED AND WHITE AND SUSPICIOUS ALL OVER 4. Kevin Ball - MY MAGIC DOESN’T WORK 5. Andy Melville - NOONSA THE FLAMING FISH MAN 6. Paul Butler - REZO’S THE REAL ENEMY 7. Darren Williams - GIVE UP! BUT JUST BEFORE WE DO, THE SURE-KILL SWORD 8. Lee Clark - HELP! SHABANIGDO IS REBORN 9. Niall Quinn - IMPACT! THE EVE OF THE GREAT LIFE OR DEATH STRUGGLE 10. Danny Dichio - JACKPOT! THE GREAT LIFE OR DEATH GAMBLE 11. Mickey Gray - KNOCKOUT! THE SEYRUUN FAMILY FEUD Phil Halliwell

DANGEROUS ANIMALS, CADDYS, NOT 1999, JO’S ANTICS IN SPAIN, NOSE BLEED PLUS MORE The most dangerous animal in a zoo is not a polar bear, the suggestion given by Liz. “They’re meant to be really dangerous and grumpy,” she said. In a survey, some 1,000 zoo-keepers had been questioned for the answer, according to Danny B. And neither was it Wayne’s offering - a fully-grown male chimp. Wayne, it transpired, was an expert on animals - exotic ones that no-one else could hold of. He used to buy and sell them but didn’t know what he was getting from Africa until he opened the brown sack they were in! Peter responded to Danny B’s search for owners of tea caddys. He was the “proud” owner of one, the same colour as a caddy recently sold at auction house Sotherby’s for £400. Aidee had information on polar bears, following Liz’s call. “If there’s nothing else to eat on the planet except polar bears,” he said, “don’t eat their livers”. They contain such a high level of vitamin A that you’ll die if you do. Danny B was right in thinking it wasn’t 1999 in all parts of the world. Neil lived in Saudi Arabia some years ago - around 1492. David thought the most dangerous animal in a zoo was a penguin. Jim saw the Grateful Dead in Finsbury Park and they “were brilliant”. It was a four-hour concert and he admitted to being “as high as a kite”. The two Dannys said they had never dabbled with illegal substances. Danny B wanted to know how people answered the phone in different countries. In the Canary Islands, Vivien explained, you’re greeted with “digame” (dee-gay-may). Jo, who has slept with lots of Premiership footballers, had just returned from a Christmas vacation in Barcelona with her girlfriends. Unfortunately, one of her soccer flames, beau #1, turned up. “The girls were not happy,” Jo said, “as it was meant to be just us and no boys.” beau #1, who is trying to find a new club, got Jo to ring up teams in Spain acting as his agent in a bid to get them interested in him. She lied about his international appearances when ringing Barcelona, who weren’t interested. But Majorca were, and asked for further details on him. The £5,000 given to Jo from one of her other beaus to get rid of some saucy letters and pictures of the pair of them had “almost” been spent. One of John’s pet snakes lost some teeth when it decided to attack him. He usually feeds his snakes by dropping a dead rat into their tankers with pliers. He couldn’t find them on this occasion so decided to use his hand. “Just as I dropped the rat, the snake grabbed my hand,” said John. “Then I heard a crack. It had crushed some of its teeth which had stuck to my hand. I had to pull them out one by one.” Kev came up with the answer to the most dangerous animal in a zoo - a panda - but only after a clue from Danny B, who said that Mo in The Simpsons used to keep some of these at the back of his bar. Jim was also bitten by an animal - a dead one. He was at the fish counter of a supermarket and couldn’t help but stick his hand in a fish which, amazingly, snapped its mouth shut. Jim then “shook him off”. Danny B wanted to know about stupid things you used to do when you were younger. Steve used to get out of school in an unusual way - by tieing a knot in a handkerchief, sticking it up his nose and pulling it out fast, thus causing a nose bleed.

DANNY’S THREATENED _____________________________________________________________ Leibe Messers Fab und Groove, On tuning in at 11.30am on January 2, I was appalled to find that I was confronted with mindless waffle of a significantly lower standard than that to which I am used to - a discussion of the cultural and social


PICTURES WHAT CHRISTIAN GROSS IS DOING NOW

Have you ever wondered where former Tottenham supremo Christian Gross ended up? Okay, but still read on. This picture appeared in the January 2 edition of the Daily Mail. It’s not Gross, but Gloucester coach Richard Hill, who just happens to bear an uncanny resemblence to him. And so can you - just put on a miserable face and wear a black woolly hat.

success, inevitably, was to be our downfall. Being 14-year-old kids, we didn’t have a firing range to test on like the army did. So we used the school field. After one particularly excitable device had veered off course and set fire to a hedge (casualty of war, I’m afraid), we were chased home by a hate mob who had witnessed the whole affair from the adjacent youth club. In our confusion, we ran through the wrong hole in the fence into our neighbour’s garden, and it was quite a relief that the little squirt took the rap for the whole affair and not us. But had we learnt our lesson? Oh no! Up the local chalk pits we went the following weekend with a satchel of the things determined to make a noise. Dressing in combat gear didn’t help our cause: there was this blue flashing light, and the plod eventually rumbled our little game of world domination. Being the cowards that we were, we laid the blame squarely on one of our number who had got cold feet and had run off home to watch Saturday Superstore. That whizz is now a well-known research scientist, and at least one of our gang has used the experience gained in this little episode to forge a career in Her Majesty’s armed forces. Alistair Coleman of Reading

WHY FOOTBALLERS SHOULD STOP CLEARING THEIR NOSES DURING A GAME

DODGY ALBUM TITLES Guten tag Cony Tottie and Stanley Flaps etc., The following is a list of album titles by Ladysmith Black Mambazo. I have included the actual album titles which I’ve taken from Rolling Stone’s album guide. While they may sound excellent in their original form, the titles lose something in translation:

”This might tickle your fancy,” writes G.S. Burgoyne of West Sussex, who sent us this picture of Arsenal’s Dennis Bergkamp. Look closely, and you can spot the rather unfortunate printing error.

ULWANDLE OLUNCGWELE (Aunt Henry’s Eggless Raisinful War Cake) UMTHOMBO WAMANZI (Patchwork Guilt) INDUKU ZETHU (Global Warning) INALA (Radio Photon Machine) SHAKA ZULU (Sex And Narnia) Peter Ormerod of Brighton

DANNY KELLY’S OTHER JOB NOT VERY POPULAR Dear Dannys, I’d like to start up a new category - the least popular line of football merchandise ever. Regular listeners to the show will know that the two Dannys are also known as Fabio and GrooveRider. “I see that one of you is moonlighting in the New Beehive pub,” writes Jonathan Finan of Bradford. “However, you seem to be confusing a form of Latin-American music with an eggbased dessert.” Fabio would like to point out that Cuban relief, as advertised in the slice of the flyer pictured, is nothing like the French sort.

E-MAILS

I’m an exiled fan of Cheltenham Town, studying in Coventry. A mate of mine came round the other night and, at the time, I was wearing my replica shirt. He had never seen me in it before and was deeply surprised that a Conference team actually sold replica gear. He was even more shocked when I told him there was a shop at our ground selling shirts and plenty of other stuff besides. He asked what else the club shop sold. I couldn’t tell him off the top of my head as I’ve only ever bought a shirt and a scarf, so I had a look at a recent match programme which contained a list of merchandise. There followed a deeply uninspiring menu of the usual lighter, pen and baseball cap fare. However, at the bottom were limited edition centenary plates and limited edition centenary vans - you can bet they’re a bloody limited edition, the club centenary was in 1992.

BOMB CONFESSION

Tim Stamp of the University of Warwick

_____________________________________________________________ 18 JANUARY 1999

Dear Fab ‘n’ Groovy, ANIMAL NOISES Your calls on dangerous acts carried out as a teenager has made me decide that enough water has passed under the bridge to make my confession. Foolhardy child that I was, I was a teenage bomb maker and at the top of my powers I could construct powerful devices. It all started so innocently with long afternoons under my bed ignoring those public safety films about the dangers of playing with matches. Soon there was a whole gang of us diligently scraping the heads of matches and watching with abject terror as they all went up in about a quarter of a second, usually depriving one of our number of their eyebrows. It would have stayed at this innocent level had my mate not got involved. He was a whizz at science, and filled our heads with ideas of rockets, bombs, and certain combinations of garden chemicals and innocent kitchen ingredients which I won’t go into right now as you’d get into trouble if I did. He would turn up after school with something he’d knocked up in his shed, we’d pack it full of the right substances, light the fuse and dive for cover. At the peak of our art, we had rockets that could travel a good quarter of a mile, and what the bomb disposal people would call viable devices - that would leave a sizeable crater. It was gratifying to see that some of the innovations we brought about subsequently turned up in the Iraqi Super Gun a few years ago. This

Dear Mr Fabio and Mr Grooverider, Some noises animals would make in Finland: Cat - Miau miau Dog - Hau hau Chicken- Kot kot Cow - Ammuu Vids TONY GUBBA AS FRANK BOUGH Dear Dannys, Some friends and I managed to get tickets for last summer’s World Cup outside a night club in Leicester Square, and we were staying in a villa in a small town outside Montpellier. On our first night, we decided it


would be best to eat some food before consuming a vast amount of alcohol and watching someone play Cameroon. So we went to an obscure restaurant. We had to wait ages for our food and this forced us to miss the game but the owner apologised by giving us a free round of beer. On one of the other tables was a face we recognised but could not place. Eventually, one of our number recognises it to be that of BBC’s third best football commentator, Tony Gubba, so we all started giggling like school girls. Being a student, and not one to waste such an opportunity to gain an anecdote, something had to be done. The plan was hatched that I should go over and pretend I thought he was Frank Bough. Each of my mates bet me 50 French francs I wouldn’t do it - so over I went. He duly signed as Frank Bough, and I went back to the table to collect my winnings. He then sent us over a bucket of beers (doubtless on BBC’s expenses), and told us he was there to cover the Paraguay v Bulgaria game the next day. We told him we were going and he invited us to the BBC hospitality tent. We offered him our spare ticket for the England v Romania clash but he declined. Tony reminded us not to smash the place up as we left the restaurant. I doubt the existence of the BBC hospitality tent. John Shipman HIMALAYAN RABBIT IN DEFENCE Dear Dans,

your very own Ninja throwing star. And all for the price of four penny sweets. Dean Jones ANDY GRAY’S TODGER Dear Danny and Danny, This refers to two topics discussed on your show some time ago: seeing footballers in the nude and going to the houses of footballers. When I was younger, I went to Aston Villa’s training ground to get autographs. The then Villa coach, Ron Wylie, invited me into the changing room to get autographs - so I went in. Having got most of the signatures, I was told to go and get Andy Gray’s autograph. He was standing in front of the mirror without a stitch on, combing his by now thinning hair. Andy turned round to sign my book (remember I am only about waste height to a footballer at this stage in my life) and the thought of that moment will, unfortunately, live with me forever more. The second tale involves the European Cup. My uncle lived close to, and knew, former Villa keeper Nigel Spink during a period when they won the European Cup. Knowing I was going round to visit, he went to Nigel’s house to ask if we could come and see the Cup (all players had a chance to keep it at home for a few days before it is returned to the trophy cabinet). What Nigel actually did was to carry the European Cup down the road and into my uncle’s house for a photo which I still have.

Members of the England team as questions in my biology exam: Benjamin Wood 1) Seaman - structure of liver cell 2) Campbell - structure of lipid molecule 3) Le Saux - type of cell division 4) Ince - tick if starch 5) Adams - genotypes of the himalayan rabbit 6) Southgate - causes metylene to lose its blue colour 7) Beckham - name the enzyme 8) Batty - affecting enzyme activity 9) Shearer - digestion of carbohydrates 10) Owen - used to kill weeds 11) Scholes - function of phloem in a plant Robert Atkins HONEST GEORGE Dear Dannys, A snippet which might amuse Mr Kelly. I recently read Dava Sobel’s book ‘Longitude’, about the struggle to find an accurate method of measuring longitude, thus allowing safe navigation at sea. It appears that in the mid-18th century, the Royal clockmaker was called ‘Honest’ George Graham - presumably to avoid confusion in the very unlikely event of any dishonest George Grahams appearing. Peter Cullen ONE-ARMED PLAYER Mr Kelly, A few years ago, Wigan Athletic let out the use of their pitch to a poor professional Rugby League team called, at one time, Blackpool Borough. Then, as they moved from Blackpool to Wigan, they became Wigan. They played in the lowest division and were pretty bad. But they managed to excel themselves, as one of the players only had ONE arm. This was bad enough in football, but arms in rugby are even more important. How could he tackle properly? How could he hold the ball in one arm and fend defenders of with another? How could he do long passes out wide with only one arm? Unfortunately, I don’t know the answers to these as I never once went to see them play. But I do remember that he existed, and I remember that they were rubbish and quickly went out of existence. This was just as well, as they had just lined up the signing of a full-back who had shorter legs than Hank Hill’s Dad. Phil Hewitt MORE TRAIN GAMES Dans, Further to the letter you received about train games. Take two of the stretched coins and lay them across the track in a cross shape, one on top of the other. Then, by filing down the resultant shape, you can make

MAN UNITED HATER Dannys, The following appeared in the January 13 edition of the Yorkshire Evening Post: A York soccer fan’s crusade against Manchester United has been shown the legal red card by the Premiership giants. Simon Topliss, from York, pictured with some of the anti-Manchester United merchandise which his firm is now being prevented from selling Shareholder Simon Topliss is angry after pressure from the Premiership club’s lawyers forced Better Dead Then Red, an Internet-based company who sell antiMan Utd merchandise, to temporarily cease trading. The company used to sell merchandise, such as car-stickers reading “Sit Down If You Hate Man U,” on the Internet from the site: www.mufc.com. The Red Devils’ traditional logo was changed by the company to read Scumchester United and the devil insignia changed to a pig. But the website was shut down on Monday, after the company received a letter from solicitors acting on behalf of Manchester United threatening legal proceedings over alleged breach of copyright. Simon Topliss, of Lawrence Street, York, who is a shareholder in the company and an avid Leeds Utd supporter, said today: “It’s ridiculous. I can’t believe Manchester United have taken action against us. We’re having a bit of fun and now the mighty Man U have come and squashed us.” The Evening Press is now in possession of copies of letters sent to Better Dead Than Red from James Chapman & Co, Manchester United’s lawyers. One letter states: “It has come to our attention that certain merchandise is being offered for sale on the Internet which bears markings similar to that of the Manchester United club badge. “Our clients require that all such material be withdrawn from sale and that the use of the website be discontinued immediately. John Boocock, a director of Better Dead Then Red, said “We have complied with the lawyer’s request to cease trading, and are currently reviewing our position.” Nick Marshall of Chapman & Co commented “This company’s existence came to the attention of the club, and as with any commercial organisation we are seeking to protect our trademarks. It is nothing personal against this company.” Dan Rutstein


LETTERS

(Reo Speedwagon)

RICHARD KEYS

‘Real To Real Cacophony’ (Simple Minds) v ‘Pronounced Lehnerd Skinnerd’ (Lynrd Skynrd)

Dear Dans, ‘Flux And Mutability’ (David Sylvian) v ‘Shabooh Shoobah’ (INXS) I am sure you aware of Richard Keys’ habit of referring to himself in the third person. For example, he couldn’t walk into the Sky Sports canteen and ask: “Could I have a bacon sandwich please?”, but rather: “Could Richard Keys have a bacon sandwich please?” Imagine, then, if Mr Keys had been a song-writer....in the following examples, the words ‘I’, ‘I’m’ and ‘I’ve’ have been replaced by the words ‘Richard Keys’: 1) ‘The Dean and RICHARD KEYS’ (10cc) 2) ‘RICHARD KEYS am the Walrus’ (The Beatles) 3) ‘RICHARD KEYS been around the world but RICHARD KEYS, RICHARD KEYS, RICHARD KEYS, RICHARD KEYS can’t find my baby’ (Lisa Stansfield) 4) ‘Do ya think RICHARD KEYS sexy?’ (Rod Stewart) 5) ‘RICHARD KEYS talk to the trees’ (Clint Eastwood) 6) ‘RICHARD KEYS love to love but RICHARD KEYS baby just loves to dance’ (Tina Charles) 7) ‘RICHARD KEYS am an apeman’ (The Kinks) 8) ‘D. RICHARD KEYS. S. C. O.’ (Ottowan) 9) ‘RICHARD KEYS, RICHARD KEYS, RICHARD KEYS’ (‘Me Myself I’ by Joan Armatrading) 10) ‘J’RICHARD KEYS TAIME’ (Jane Birkin & Serge Gainsbourg)

‘Extra Texture’ (George Harrison) v ‘My Head, My Bed, My Red Guitar’ (Tommy James) ‘Album’ (P.I.L) v ‘Wotupski’ (Jellybean) ‘Free Peace Sweet’ (Dodgy) v ‘Journey Through The Secret Life Of Plants’ (Stevie Wonder) ‘Release Of An Oath: The Kol Nidre’ (Eletric Prunes) v ‘Def, Dumb And Blonde’ (Debbie Harry) ‘Neville-ization’ (The Neville Brothers) v ‘Knnillssonn’ (Nilsson) ‘Liquid Acrobat As Regards The Air’ (Incredible String Band) v ‘Third Reich ‘N’ Roll’ (The Residents) ‘Sheep Farming In Barnet’ (Toyah) v ‘What’s Bin Did And What’s Bin Hid’ (Donovan) ‘Three Hearts In The Happy Ending Machine’ (Daryl Hall) v ‘Slide It In’ (Whitesnake) ‘Angst In My Pants’ (Sparks) v ‘YUI Orta’ (Ian Hunter)

And on TV/cinema: 1) Withnail & RICHARD KEYS 2) RICHARD KEYS, Claudius 3) Honey, RICHARD KEYS shrunk the kids

‘Black And Dekker’ (Desmond Dekker) v ‘John Mayall Plays John Mayall’ (John Mayall) ‘A Party Political Broadcast On Behalf Of The Emotional Party’ (Ian McNabb) v ‘HIStory’ (Michael Jackson)

Mick McSorley of Leeds ‘The Fung’ (Gary Numan) v ‘Hollywood Be Thy Name’ (Dr.John) BIRMINGHAM WOUND ME UP

Lee of Birmingham

Dear Danny, FILM TITLES The following article appeared in the October 29, 1998 edition of the Evening Mail: Football-mad Birmingham City fan James Davies couldn’t wait for his new Blues watch to arrive in the post. James, aged 14, from Kingstanding, picked up the phone straight away when he was sent an advert for a wristwatch in his favourite team’s colours. The timepiece, he was told, was worth £60 and would arrive on his doormat within 28 days. All he had to do was pay for premium-rate £1-a-minute phone call to order it. But after waiting more than four months, his watch finally arrived - bearing the red colours of the Liverpool team and not the blue and white of his beloved City. His father, Dave, said today: “The whole thing is a joke. I let James use the phone to order the watch and he said he would pay me for it by doing odd jobs around the house during his summer holidays. “The phone call cost £18 but the watch they have sent him is not even is not even the one he asked for. The fact that it took so long to arrive only adds insult to injury.” James was one of thousands of supporters who were contacted by Chester-based Rexan Crown LTD about the offer. Rexan Crown boss Nick Cracknell said: “We say the watches are worth £60 because that is what they sell for in shops around the country. We send out around 10,000 watches a week and we obviously made a mistake and we will now put it right.” Mr Davies has said that James will not be allowed to return to the club’s St Andrews home games until he gets a full apology from the club over the mix-up. A spokesman for Birmingham City was not available for comment.

Dear F & G, There are literally hundreds and hundreds of films that have their titles spoken during the course of the film. Here are just a few that I can remember: THE 39 STEPS - some spy to Robert Donat: “What do you know about the 39 steps?” THE BIG RED ONE - Robert Carradine about his platoon: “We were the best of the best. We were so good, we were regarded as the number one. The big red one.” BLADERUNNER - several times mentioned: “The name’s Deckard. I’m a BladeRunner.” CAPE FEAR - Juliette Lewis narration: “I used to think that the only thing to fear there was leaving Cape Fear. I was wrong.” THE DEAD ZONE - Christopher Walken to his psychiatrist: “It’s a big, black nothing....a dead zone.” DO THE RIGHT THING - Da Mayor: “Mookie, always do the right thing.” THE FRENCH CONNECTION - Roy Schneider to Gene Hackman: “So, what are you saying? This Frog 1 - he’s the French connection?”

Craig Hochkins of Birmingham FULL METAL JACKET - Vincent D’Onofrio to Matthew Modine: “Rifle locked and loaded! Full....metal....jacket!” REVISED FA CUP DRAW Dear Dannys, When the draw was made for the FA Cup fourth round, I decided to make a note of each team’s number. I then compiled a list of 32 (the number of teams in the draw) grim album titles and linked the draw numbers to their corresponding position on my song list (with titles in alphabetical order of artist). So the revised draw is as follows: ‘Child Is Father To The Man’ (Blood Sweat And Tears) v ‘Abnominog’ (Uriah Heep) ‘Tennis’ (Chris Rea) v ‘You Can Tune A Piano But You Can’t Tuna Fish’

THE GODFATHER - Some poor minion to Marlon Brando: “Thank you, Godfather.” HOME ALONE - Joe Pesci to Daniel Stern: “No, he’s home alone.” JAWS - Robert Shaw to Roy Schneider: “The jaws on this thing, it’ll swallow a man whole.” LETHAL WEAPON - Danny Glover to his wife about Mel Gibson: They say he’s some kind of nut, you know....a lethal weapon.” AFTER HOURS - Dick Miller to Rosanna Arquette: “Yeah, it’s on the house. The rules change when it’s after hours.


THE PHILADELPHIA STORY - David Selznik to James Stewart: “What shall we call it? I’ve got it! The Philadelphia Story!”

Joanne: Hvala ali sam dosla suh deckom - Thanks, but I’m with my boyfriend

ROPE - James Stewart to Farley Granger: “You killed him! And with this rope.”

Ossie Ardiles: Molim vas nemojte tako brzo govoriti - Please don’t speak so fast

THE SHINING - Scatman Crothers to the kid: “My grandma knew all about it. She called it the shining.”

Dennis Wise: Taksi! - Taxi! Kenny Dalglish: Ja castim - I’ll get this round

STAR TREK-FIRST CONTACT - James Cromwell to Star Trek crew: “So you people are all astronauts....on some kind of star trek?”

John Wark: Mozete li mi dati sitnije? - Can you give me something smaller?

Rob James of Sunderland Robert Maxwell: Hoces li se okupati? - Are you coming for a swim? PRISON LIFE

Graham Kelly: Cini mi se da je pogresno zbrojeno - I think the figures are wrong

Dear Danny and Danny, Phil Hewitt Picture the scene. It’s 8.45am on a Saturday morning and I’m attempting to talk to my mate while trying to avoid waking up all of wing B - and then getting my head kicked in. My friend’s cell is underneath mine so, to get his attention, I have to stick my head out of the window and shout his name - but this wakes up E wing. The only way we can talk is when he empties out his toilet. We then shout through the pipes - but this ends up waking everyone up as each toilet starts to make a humming noise from the vibrations coming through the water. So why am I risking my life in this way? Just to tell someone else to tune in to your show. Is this a blinding advert for you, or what? I was trying to tell this bloke who presented it. He recognised Baker’s name from his Daz adverts and Kelly’s from the Under the Moon show on TV. That got me thinking. What the hell was that tugboat who looked like Richard O’Brien doing on the show? You’d have Will Carling on and he’d say: “Well dear, in the scrum, do you rub each other’s gonads to psyche yourselves up?” Where is he now? Do you know what I need desperately? A bloody cigar. Smoking Golden Virginia at any time of the day just doesn’t do it for me. Tim Wickham in prison REMEMBER ROMEO ZONDERVAN? Dear Mr Kelly, I stumbled across a Serb-Croat book that I bought off a mate a few years ago for £1. I only ever learned two phrases: ‘Svinja’ (pronounced svinn-ya), meaning tugboat, and ‘nema vise vetse papira’, which translated means there’s no toilet paper left. However, after a number of years and after many political and geographical changes in the countries, I have finally found a use for the book. I have used it for a number of categories in your brand new show by looking up telephone phrases, selecting a number of phrases that it suggests and linking them to footballers/celebrities: Romeo Zondervan: Prtljaga mi nije Stigla - My luggage has not arrived Dean Saunders: Trazim neku pristojnu, jeftinu tepih - I’m looking for a good, cheap carpet George Michael: Molim gdje je Muski? - Where are the Gents please? Coventry on the last day of the season: Stici cemo kasno - We will be arriving late

THE SHOW GILLIAN’S ANGRY, BOXING (NOT SO) CLEVER, LEAVING EARLY?, ITEMS IN FOOD, NAFF GIFT PLUS MORE Gillian, who rang up a few weeks ago asking the two Dannys for help, wasn’t in a very good mood. Her original call was about trying to impress her husband by getting into football, as he’d shown a keen interest in her netball. Gillian wanted to find a football team to support and she chose, after advice from Baker and Kelly, Watford. The reason for her unhappiness - the Hornets drew 0-0 in the match she attended and QPR, the other team she could have chosen, drew 2-2 with Division One leaders Sunderland in a cracker of a game. “The Watford players couldn’t have scored with Jo,” she said. Danny B wanted to find the person who’d lasted the shortest time in a job. Enter Peter, who in the 1960s lasted ten glorious minutes in a factory. “I started work at 8am one Monday morning,” he recounted. “I was handed my uniform but they couldn’t find any shoes to fit me.” He was given £20, “an awful lot of money in those days”, and told to go to the town centre and buy a pair. So Peter left the factory - and never came back. He pocketed the cash. But Mark’s mate, who works as an entertainer, has to be the recordholder. “He would decide whether he wanted to work when he got to the gig,” explained Mark. “He would get to a kids’ party,” he said, “and if the kids looked mean, he would drive off.” Jonathan started the day as an employee of Pizza Hut. He’d left by lunchtime. “When I started work I was shown how to make a pizza,” he said. “When I’d made it, I sat down to eat it. But then I decided this wasn’t for me so I walked out.” Terry started work in a florist on a day that ended in disaster. He was handed the keys to a van and asked to make a few deliveries. Terry was very superstitious as a lad. “I never used to walk on cracks on the pavement and I had to tap every fence post I walked past,” he said. But as he grew older, new superstitions arose. “When I was driving, I decided to close my eyes every time the sun shone through the gaps in between the houses.” And so he did, until his van smashed into some rocks by the side of the road. “The gap between two houses was so great that my eyes were shut for quite some time,” he added.

Michael Owen: Kazna! - Penalty

Danny B wanted to hear from people who’d found unusual items in food. Martin’s a lucky man who cashed in on someone’s misfortune. He bought a pizza from a restaurant (in the 1970s) and found an unusual topping - a diamond ring. This put Martin in a tricky situation. What should he do - take the ring to a local police station, or ring up the pizza parlour to tell them what he’d found? “I sold it for £360 and it helped to buy me a house,” Martin said.

Harry Redknapp/Fergus McCann when signing next foreigner: Dajte mi racun, molim vas? - Could I have a receipt please?

Colin’s not had much luck with pies. He found a fag butt in one and an ant’s nest in another!

Larry Lloyd: Molim vas jelovnik - Can I see the menu?

George has solved the mystery of where his company’s recently retired foreman used to go. He had to attend weekly meetings called by the foreman, who would disappear after the meetings. “But I found out to where,” said George. “I took a lift up to the top floor of the building and I found a bed, a table and a radio. I’ll be using that from now on.”

Danny Kelly: Mljac! Mljac! - nyum, nyum Joey Beauchamp: Zelimo sutra otici a vratiti se prekosutra - I want to leave tomorrow, and come back the day after

Jeff Astle: Li vise pita? - Any more pie? Trevor Steeles: Da li znate....? - Did you hear about....? And the last things footballers/celebrities would look up in the book: Dennis Bergkamp: U koliko je sati slijedeci let? - What time is the next flight?

Andy told the two Dannys about a naff Christmas present that he’d received. His brother gave it to him, and he’d decided to take it with him to New York. What was it? A talking picture of Manchester United ace Ryan Giggs, who said: “What a great way to say hello to a very special person - you.” Pass the bucket.


Danny B wanted to hear about ‘common’ people who’d got in the ring with boxers. According to Terry, Tony Delamonte bashed one opponent before turning turned to the crowd at ringside and asking: “Does anyone else want to know?” There was, and he punched his lights out as well.

FREE LAGER

David said there were still places you could visit to try and win £50 by lasting three rounds with an ex-professional boxer. Finally, Danny K gave out the results of games in the Premiership three hours before they’d kicked-off. His predictions follow with the actual result in brackets: Chelsea 3 Coventry 0 (2-1); Derby 1 Blackburn 1 (1-0); Leeds 2 Middlesbrough 1 (2-0); Leicester 1 Man United 1 (2-6); Liverpool 4 Southampton 1 (7-1); Nott’m Forest 1 Arsenal 2 (0-1); Spurs 2 Wimbledon 1 (0-0); WHU 1 Sheff Wed 1 (0-4) PICTURES LONELY FOOTBALLER

”I went to a Squeeze gig recently,” admits Phil Burden of Tetbury. “When I got back to the car, I found this flyer under the windscreen wiper.” As Phil rightfully points out, the establishment above is obviously looking for “high-class clientele”. _____________________________________________________________ FOOTBALL 365 BREAKING NEWS - THURSDAY 21 JANUARY 1999 BAKER AND KELLY LEAVE TALK RADIO: THE TRUTH Danny Baker and Danny Kelly, whose website is hosted by Football365, have confirmed their departure from Talk Radio. The pair, whose Saturday phone-ins had been a huge ratings success for the station, had recently been moved to an 8am slot by new Talk Radio chief executive Kelvin McKenzie, the former Sun editor, who is thought to favour a more ‘straight’ approach to the station’s football output.

”Thought you may be interested in this,” writes Phill of Northampton. The Baker and Kelly team have yet to come up with the “professional footballer” who decided to use the back pages of a top-shelf magazines to find his “adventurous playmate”. Any suggestions? Send them to bakerandkelly@football365.co.uk

Danny Kelly told Football365: “It became obvious that the show was not what Kelvin McKenzie wanted and so a situation was engineered to manoeuvre us out. I think it’s a terrible shame because Baker And Kelly was the best interactive show of its kind in the UK.” Baker and Kelly, whose partnership began on Radio 5 before moves to Radio 1 and then to Talk, are already in negotiations with other stations and Danny Kelly predicted: “Talk Radio’s loss will be someone else’s gain. But these things happen in the media.”

FAN LOSES A LIMB Kelly also described press reports which claimed that Baker had “begged for another chance” as “about as likely as Ronaldo joining Gillingham”. FOOTBALL 365 - FRIDAY 22 JANUARY 1999 IT’S NOT GOOD TO TALK

This picture, sent in by Emma Crowhurst, appeared in the Reading Post and was taken at Elm Park during a League Cup tie between Reading and Southampton in the 1978/9 season. A teenage fan was one of about 30 fans pulled out of the Town End terraces when scuffles broke out. As he was being frogmarched off by police, his artificial leg dropped off!

DANNY BAKER and Danny Kelly, the broadcasters whose website is hosted by Football365, have confirmed their departure from Talk Radio. The pair, whose Saturday football phone-ins have been a huge ratings success for the station, had recently been moved from their traditional lunchtime and post-match Saturday slots to an earlier, 8am start by the station’s new chief executive Kelvin McKenzie. The former Sun editor was thought to have favoured a straighter approach to the station’s footy output, but Kelly says that the split has been more due to an unfortunate misunderstanding than any major falling out: “I think Kelvin thought we were being defiant in our two early morning shows once he’d moved our slot. He wanted four hours of straight football talk and we started things off by playing a bit of pop music to get things going before moving on to football. Instead of talking it through with us, though, Kelvin decided to bomb us out. I heard the news from the show’s producer earlier in the week.” Far from being downhearted about McKenzie’s decision, though, Kelly is adamant that the show will return elsewhere: “Danny and I are taking a very positive view of the whole thing. We were making the best football show on radio and, as much as we enjoyed working at Talk Radio, we reckon it’s their loss. Let’s just say that the BBC were sorry to lose Baker and Kelly to Talk Radio in the first place. These things happen in the media and people move on, but don’t worry, we’ll be back.” And what will Baker and Kelly be doing now that they’ve got a wee bit more time on their hands? “Drinking, I expect,” laughed Kelly. _____________________________________________________________


TWO DANNIES ARE BACK ON RADIO Baker And Kelly Return On Virgin From Noon This Saturday FOOTBALL365 founder Danny Kelly is to renew his radio partnership with Danny Baker this weekend. The Two Dannies can be heard on Virgin Radio (1215 AM nationwide/105.8 FM in London and the SouthEast) between noon and 2pm for the next two Saturdays. It’s almost exactly a year since Baker and Kelly last appeared on the radio together and a jubilant Kelly told F365: “I believe the new show will be a bit of a laugh and that people should listen if they want to.” He continued: “Following our sacking from Talk Radio and our previous dismissals from Radio One, Radio 5 Live, Greater London Radio and Radio Lollipop - which broadcasts exclusively to hospitals in the Norwich region - we have been reduced to calling in favours from Chris Evans. Now, like Chris Sutton and Vanessa Feltz, we like to believe we’re back in the shop window.”


Baker & Kelly United 98-99 season