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volume 14 issue 6 june
recoilmag.com
TIPS
A page from the Recoil handbook...
Guide to CELEBRATING FATHER’S DAY Here are some creative ways to celebrate the man who hung around the house occasionally as you were growing up: • Verbally resolve to do better and make your father proud, no matter how many times he’s heard it before and then walked away wondering if you even hear yourself sometimes.
• If your oldest son takes you skydiving, make sure you pack your own chute. Just saying: things get complicated whenever there’s an inheritance in play.
• Post a nice sentiment to your father on Facebook, even though he’ll never see it and only started the account to humor you, now has a terrible page which gives the impression that he has no friends, and fails to understand why that’s actually worse than not having a Facebook page at all.
• Sperm donors should already be used to not getting the recognition you deserve.
• Dads love to go fishing on their special day, but resist the urge to re-enact the Fredo Godfather scene with your dad because there’s no realistic way you’ll ever get that fat-ass over the gunwale without capsizing the boat. • First-year dads can expect to be showered with verbal reminders from the missus regarding your ineptness as a father, provider, lover and/or person. So it should feel just about like every other day since this whole baby thing happened. • Record an essay or song about your father. Refer to the work of Sam Kinison for inspiration. • Pull out the family videos. “Do you see how you were, Dad? No, seriously, do you see how you were being an asshole here? I don’t know how you cannot see how you were being an asshole here. And this is just one example, mind you.” • Show your appreciation for everything your dad taught you by refusing to pay his bail “for his own good.”
• Let’s go to those family videos again. “Here’s you being an asshole at Christmas, Dad. Seriously? How do you not remember doing something this shitty in front of the whole family?” • It can be a long car ride up to the penitentiary for a visit, but remember that this is the man who taught you how to do things like shotgun a beer, start a campfire going with a quart of gasoline and find the perfect place to bury dead hookers who’ve been rolling around in the trunk all weekend. It’s a shame they don’t make trunks that big anymore. • Try organizing an afternoon of activities that you dad loves, like, um... sitting? Watching things? Are there any interests that both you and your dad share? That kind of explains a lot, doesn’t it? • There’s no better way to tell your dad you love him than by not actually saying it at all, ever, under any circumstances. • Being a good father means doing a whole bunch of things that your dad probably didn’t do, but I wouldn’t even bring that shit up if I were you. Just try to get through lunch without killing each other.
CROSSWORD
IN THE ROUGH
crossword by kimberly frantz
ACROSS
THE SOLUTION FOR THIS PUZZLE CAN BE FOUND ON PAGE 6
1. Ecstasy (the drug not the emotion) 6. Main character in HBO’s True Detective 10. America’s first motorcycle 12. Metallica’s “To Live __ __ Die” 13. Southernmost peninsular state (abbrev.) 14. Andre Romelle Young aka Dr. ___ 15. Varicose ____ 16. Lie 18. Split 20. “Famous Five” children’s author ____ Blyton 22. ___ King Cole 23. Actress Winger 25. Birds’ abodes 29. Snake 31. ____ canal 32. Deeply thirsty 36. Of the ear 37. Largest bird native to Australia (archaic spelling) 38. Distinct period of time (for example, Mesozoic) 40. One of three parts of the psychic apparatus as defined by Freud
41. Apollo Group’s NASDAQ symbol 42. “The cattle are _____, the Baby awakes, but the little lord Jesus no crying He makes” are words that appear both in a popular Christmas carol and Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse 5 44. Young Adult science fiction series predicated on a right wing overthrow of the U.S. government, in which the U.S.A. is renamed the ____ 45. Tall and slim with long slender limbs
DOWN
1. Mildly angry 2. Shopping digitally = ordering ______ 3. In science, lethal dose may be abbreviated as __ 4. Top 5. Politicians seeking election (like the wonderful Sarah Howard, check her out on FB at Sarah Howard for State Senate) use ____ signs to promote candidacy 6. Rosie the ______ 7. ____ interface
8. BBC’s Top Gear test driver 9. Dial ____ 11. German “no” 17. Garment worn hanging from neck to prohibit food spillage 19. Mini___ (family vehicle) 21. Vlad the Impaler 24. Bruce Campbell’s character in Evil Dead 26. Nickname for Sault Ste. Marie, Mich., is The ___ 27. Carrying 28. Excessively conventional, hence dull 30. Remove outer layer 32. French for “skin” 33. Nigel Tufnel’s go to 11 (plural) 34. ___ _peedwagon 35. In Minecraft: a block obtainable through crafting and found in NPC Villages and Strongholds 39. Straight Outta Compton: debut studio album by American hip-hop group ___ 43. Out’s opposite